Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Perrin Flynn-Fletcher awoke to a beautiful Saturday by a redheaded boy chucking a pillow at his face. "Wake up, Uncle Perry!" He shouted with a glowing smile on his face. "Today's my birthday!" Perry smiled groggily as he ran a hand through his teal hair. Of course he knew it was his nephew's birthday, and he also knew that Phineas would come barreling into his room the second the clock hit 7:00. Mentally patting himself on the back for calling this one, he reached under his pillow and fished around for a small box. Phineas was looking at him, practicality bursting with excitement, while his brother Ferb was watching from the doorframe with a small smile on his face. Turning his head around to mysteriously smile and waggle his eyebrows at Phineas, he yanked the gift out of his hiding place and held it up in the air. 

Your gift , he signed with one hand.

Phineas' eyes were as big as plates. "Thank you Uncle Perry! Now let me open it! Let me open it!" Perry dropped the gift into the hands of his nephew's. All yours , he signed. 

It was as if he threw the gift to the piranhas. 

Phineas immediately dug into the shiny red wrapping paper, with Ferb shifting closer to watch. Two watches shone from the depths of the wrapping paper. Phineas held one up quizzically. "A watch?" Perry shook his head with a smile on his face. Not just watch , he signed. Give one to Ferb and press the button, he signed while motioning to Ferb and then the small button on the side of each watch. The boy obeyed, and soon both boys were holding the blank-faced watches with looks of anticipation. Go ahead, Perry motioned with a grin. The boys glanced at each other for a second, and then clicked the small buttons on the screen. Immediately, the watches' screens turned on to display a view of the boy holding the opposite watch. Phineas gasped while Ferb raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Communicator watches!" Phineas shouted as held his up to get a better view. "Ferb, I can see you! Can you see me?" Ferb gave him a thumbs-up and waved from the tiny screen. "So cool!" Phineas squealed as he strapped his onto his wrist. "Thank you, Uncle Perry!" Perry held his hands out for a hug, and both of his nephews rushed in to wrap their arms around him. Happy birthday, Phineas . He signed.

After the boys were done playing with their new watches, they were herded downstairs by their mom, Linda, to eat. "Thanks for the gift, Perry," she said after the boys were gone. "I think you made his day." Perry smiled once more, and got up off his bed to give her a hug. 'He deserves it.' He signed. 'They're amazing kids.' Linda brushed the hair from Perry's face with a smile, until she froze. "What's this?" She asked, tracing her fingers along a scar on his forhead. "What happened here?" Perry felt his stomach get bubbly as he tried to think up if a sufficient lie to tell. 'Well... I was looking for something under the kitchen cupboard, but I banged my head on the counter top on the way up.' He signed with a sheepish smile. "Oh, you poor dear," Linda said with the air of a grandmother with her grandkids. 'It's fine' Perry signed hurriedly. 'I'm fine'. "Well, thank goodness for that! Lawrence is making lingonberry acones, so come down for breakfast soon!" She smiled one last time at him before descending down the stairs. Perry watched her go before letting out a small sigh. He hated to lie to his family. That scar wasn't from the kitchen cabinet, although that had happened before. It was from his latest fight with Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Perry was a secret agent. The best secret agent. And he regularly had to go fight his nemesis and thwart his zany inators. Nobody could know, because if his family knew, he would have to be relocated. Living without his family and his boys was unbearable for Perry, so he constantly had to keep up appearances as a boring contractor.

Although, his suspicious amount of scars and bruises probably should have raised a red flag. And his collection of gadgets and electronics. And the brown fedora he always wore to work. Oh well. Perry sighed contentedly. It's better that they haven't noticed. 

As he started to trod down the stairs, his wrist communicator, similar to the ones he just gave the boys, started to beep. "Good morning, Agent P." A monotonous voice announced through the tiny speaker. The voice came from Major Monogram, Perry's boss and the head of the spy organization, O.W.C.A. The man took in Perry's disheveled hair, teal tank top and grey sweatpants. "Still haven't changed? Am I interrupting something?" Perry let out a small sigh. My nephew's birthday. He signed. Monogram's singular brow went up. "Oh- well in that case, after the festivities are over you can report to your lair. Uh- I would tell you to tell him happy birthday from me, but he can't know I exist, and frankly, that sentence is kind of a tongue-twister. Anyway, Dr. Doofenshmirtz is at it again, but he can wait just a bit. Have fun, Agent P." The screen went blank with a fizzle. Perry smiled. Scones, here I come, he thought as he walked into the kitchen.

Phineas was sitting on one of the barstools, swinging his legs and chatting to his brother through his new wrist communicator even though Ferb was sitting next to him, about a foot away. Candace, however, was slumped over the kitchen table. Perry grabbed a warm scone off of a heaping plate before ambling over and tapping her on the shoulder. He raised his hand to his forehead in a salute-like motion, signing  Hello, before pulling up a chair beside her to sign What's wrong? "Oh, Uncle Perry, it's HORRIBLE!" She wailed as she grabbed the older man by the collar and shook him. "Every year I have the same problem. Phineas and Ferb are geniuses! They can build whatever they want, so I'm super stumped on what to get THEM!" She waved her hands wildly above her head. "I mean, the can get anything they want! Anything I get them isn't going to be special enough!" Perry gave the redhead a melechony look before patting her on the back and signing, They can't build quality time with you. Immidietly, Candace perked up. "That's it!" She exclaimed, shaking him my the collar once more. "That's perfect! Thank you, Uncle Perry!" She hugged him quickly before bounding off into her room. Perry only shook his head with a grin. Her emotions change so fast, I'm surprised she doesn't get whiplash. He thought as he picked up the neglected scone. 

As he nibbled on the last bite of scone, his watch beeped again. Shifting his eyes to the boys and their parents, he quickly dashed into the bathroom just in time for Major Monogram's face to appear again on the tiny screen. "Uh, Agent P? Sorry to interrupt, but we have a situation. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is minutes away from powering up his inator, and me and Carl think that it might actually work this time. We need you to pop by real quick, and put a stop to it. Oh, and since we're really cutting it close here, no need to change. You'll be back in no time. Anyway, good luck, Agent P." Agent P gave a snappy salute before his boss' image fizzled away. Ducking out of the bathroom, Perry found Linda, cleaning up the scone crumbs and gathering up the plates. He tapped her on the shoulder, signing a quick Work thing. Be back in 20. Sorry! Linda nodded and patted him on the back to say no worries. 

He rushed over to the garage, listening to the fading voice of Linda explaining to his nephews that he got a call from work and would be back in less than a half hour. Wincing at Phineas' deflated sigh echoing down the hall, he grabbed his keys from his sweatpants pocket (yes, he slept with his keys- they allow instant access to his motorcycle and can be used as tiny knives in a heartbeat) and opened the garage door. Perry quickly thrust his keys into the keyhole, and cranked the ignition with a newfound determination. He was not going to miss his boy's birthday. He would deal with Dr. D's little project quickly, and return in time for cake. Should he be mad at his nemesis for interrupting Phineas' birthday? Yes, yes he should. Was he? No. No he wasn't. And the reason why is painfully obvious to Perry, although he prefers not to mention it. Although it may come to light sooner than he thinks. 

Because, after all, that's the reason why you're reading this, aren't you?

Chapter Text

When Perry arrived at the ginormous purple building with DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INC. written in big letters, he parked his motorbike along the side of the wall and shot a grappling hook to a balcony about fifty feet up. It was surely a sight to behold- a short man in sweatpants and a tank top grappling up the side of a building in the early morning. That’s why Perry always grappled up the back of the building- to avoid the stares and cameras from civilians. He landed on the balcony with a solid thud , purposefully announcing his presence. Perry’s instincts kicked in, and he scanned the surroundings for possible traps. It’s a bit unsettling when I haven’t been caught first-thing, he mused as he took a cautious step forwards. He almost felt relieved when a rope flung down from the ceiling to wrap him up and suspend his body a few feet from the air. He squirmed a bit in his trap to test it’s durability. This will be easy , he thought. It’s not even steel coil. Just regular old rope! My scissors will do just fine with this. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of echoey footsteps coming from the depths of the lair. Preoccupied with the sensation of all of the blood rushing to his head and his sweatpants falling up around his calves because of hanging upside down, he barely noticed the contraption his nemesis was wheeling out into the light of the lab. His nemesis- Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, who was really no threat at all to the Tri-State Area and owner of possibly the most tragic backstories ever. Perry was a bit confused as to why he, the top agent at O.W.C.A. (not to brag) had been assigned this moron. 

They had fallen into a routine throughout the past three seasons-er, three years, and Perry was sure he could thwart him in his sleep. Although now, with the time crunch of a birthday party hanging over his head, he found himself glancing impatiently at his watch as his nemesis took his sweet time walking over to him. This scheme better not have a musical number. Just then, a scratchy voice cut out of his thoughts. “Ah, Perry the Platypus! How completely unexpected!” A middle aged man with shaggy brown hair and a pristine white lab coat stepped out into the light. “And by that, I mean-“ Dr. Doofenshmirtz had noticed the agent’s pajamas, and Perry felt himself crimsoning as he remembered he had a tank top on. How unprofessional. “Uh.. um…” His nemesis started to stammer, clearly put off by his attire as well. “W-were you in a rush to get here or something?” he asked as he put his hands in his pockets, staring so intently at Perry’s face that Perry could tell he was trying not to look elsewhere. Perry wriggled his hands out of the rope so he could sign, MM said it wouldn't take long. Doofenshmirtz just shrugged. “Well, it won’t! Behold, the Amnesia-inator! My brother Rodger is attending a banquet celebrating being nominated Mr. Danville, two years in a row, and will be receiving an award . My evil plan is to take my balloon high above the Tri-State Area, and blast my brother so he completely forgets that he’s the mayor! Imagine the confusion when he refuses to take the award because he thinks it’s a mistake! Then, I’ll just waltz right in through the confusion and take over!” Perry’s eyes shot to his watch before he could stop himself.

Doofenshmirtz noticed, and crossed his arms. “I can see you’re in a bit of a hurry, so why don’t we just put a pin in this, and you can do what you need to. I can wait, the banquet’s not until five.” Perry gave a sheepish shrug through the bonds, then signed an enthusiastic Thank you! before he began to wriggle through the bonds. Doofenshmirtz paused, before shaking his head and heading over to where his nemesis was tied up. He better not try to help me, Perry thought, as he continued to wriggle in the rope. He’ll probably end up freeing me and I’ll fall on my head. He tensed up as he felt Doof’s hands start to untie him. “I’m not really good with knots...” Doofenshmirtz started to ramble as he fumbled with the rope. He rambles when he’s nervous, Perry thought with a fond smile starting to edge up his face, but quickly fixed it to a serious frown. Why do I know that? Doofenshmirtz had just finished unraveling the rope, and Perry’s eyes widened as plummeted head-first towards the floor. I knew this would happen! Doofenshmirtz let out a shout, and grabbed onto his nemesis by the legs before he hit the ground, with his head just a few inches from the ground. An impromptu handstand. How lovely. “Oh! S-sorry, I didn’t realize that you would, you know, fall on your head…” Perry crimsoned again. My face is red. Why is my face red? Perry bent his arms and eased himself down and onto his feet. His nemesis stepped back and brushed his hands off nervously. “There you go!” Now, go do what you need to do, and then just come back when you’re done. But be here before five, I still need to trap you!” Embarrassed to the max, Perry tipped his hat as a yes , then ran to the balcony. Careening off the balcony with a stylish backflip, he pulled a loop on his jacket and his parachute puffed out. Floating down to the sidewalk, he inwardly cursed himself for his earlier behavior. I’ve never been more unprofessional in my life. Plus, my face burst into flames. Ugh.. 

Perry had never felt so relieved to see his motorbike parked next to the sidewalk.

    Perry’s ride home was going smoothly, until he looked at his mirrors and  spotted a peculiar car behind him. The car was a swanky Range Rover, and the driver was wearing a black suit and sunglasses. Perry was immediately on his guard. Could just be a rich guy, but I’m not going to take my chances. I guess I’m taking the long way home. He tapped his watch, and his boss’s face appeared on the screen. “Oh, hello Agent P-“ he was cut off when Perry turned his wrist slightly to display the situation behind him. “Huh, suspicious. We’ll get the license number from some nearby traffic cameras, and run the plate to see what we find. In the meantime, don’t return home. Keep driving, and see if they follow you. Also, try not to show you’re on to them.” Perry gave a quick thumbs up, before cranking the handlebar to make his bike roar. If I’m just some random guy with a bike, then I better act like one. He stomped on the gas the minute the light turned green, and started to turn corners on a whim. Left, right, left, left, right… This is a waste of good gas. But, he felt something in his stomach squirm when he noticed that the car was still right behind him.

Perry might be the best secret agent in the field, but sometimes he forgets it. Not out of humbleness, but the fact that, let’s face it, Doofenshmirtz is not a very challenging nemesis. And, beside the random undercover missions the agency assigns him, that’s really all the challenge he gets. The wild shootouts and dangerous car chases from his past had faded away into the depths of his memory, but were starting to flash though his head as Perry’s heartbeat started to quicken. He flicked his wrist, and his watch’s interface displayed that it was almost four thirty. I should be helping prepare Phineas’s birthday cake right now, not trying to get rid of a couple of stalkers. He turned yet another corner, and his heart sank when he saw it was a one way street. Oh no. There goes my cover. He quickly considered his options. There’s an apartment building up there, I could park my cycle and hide somewhere inside to act like I live there… but then I might be putting civilians at risk. I could turn around, but then I’ll be right up against that car. What am I going to do? His eyes scanned the ally one more time, and he spotted a small bar. Not the most noble place to hide, but if I have to fight, I can always blame it on two many beers. He sighed, parked his bike, helmet still on. No way do I want to take it off now, with that stupid car less than a yard away. Wincing at the sound of car doors opening and closing behind him, he walked into the bar with the eerie sound of two sets of footsteps behind him.

He slid onto the counter, taking his helmet off and resting it on his lap under the table, ignoring the quizzical looks of regulars and the flirtatious waves of ladies sitting a few stools next to him. from the corner of his eye, he could see the two guys pathetically trying to blend in but painfully sticking out in their suits and sunglasses. One of them took their sunglasses off in vain, and Perry smirked as he aimed his watch to his face and took a photo. Rookie mistake , he thought as he sent the photo to Carl. To not look suspicious, he slapped the counter to get the waitress’s attention. Pointing to the tap and holding his index finger in a “1”, the waitress nodded and got out a glass. He wasn’t a fan of alcohol, but he had beefed up his system during his training. Now, it was basically impossible for him to get drunk. Now, that training was coming in handy as his cup was filled with frothy beer. I can’t be tipsy while I fight, but one won’t hurt. The two guys were now sitting at a table, and the man who was still wearing his sunglasses took them off and slid them into his pocket. Perry aimed his watch at his face, and snapped another photo. He shook his head slightly as he sent the photo to Carl. These guys must be rookies. The waitress set the beer down next to Perry, tucked something under the glass, and retreated with a wink. This better not be- Perry opened the note to see a phone number hastily scrawled in pencil. He caught the waitress’s eye, who gave him a flirty smile as she leaned against the bar table. Great . Giving an awkward smile, he tucked the paper into his vest pocket reserved for this sort of thing. Sometimes Linda would grab his vest and give it a wash, but would discover the ever-growing stash of phone numbers from desperate girls (and sometimes guys) and would appear in his room with a quizzical look. I need to clear this out sometime. While Perry was preoccupied, the two men had sneaked closer to him and were now staring intently. His heartbeat increased as he nonchalantly  sipped his beer, trying not to make a face at the tang it left on his tounge. If you wanna do something, do it now.  

It was like they read his mind.

Chapter Text

(TW: violence, blood)

“You Agent P?” One muttered in a gruff voice as the other slid subtly behind him. Perry just shrugged and tried to turn back to his beer. The guy nodded to his partner, and Perry felt handcuffs click around his wrists. I can’t beat them up yet- I’ll just have to pretend that I’m getting arrested. The two guys hooked their arms around his and dragged him towards the window. He caught the concerned eyes of the waitress, and gave a sheepish two-finger salute. Bet she wishes she could take back her phone number now.

The door slammed shut behind them, and the two men dragged Perry to an alleyway beside the bar. They pushed him to the floor, and one held up a blurry photo of Perry in his uniform, walking towards a small door hidden in an alleyway. Perry recognized the photo from a few days ago, when he was assigned to destroy an invention from some underground organization. While he was there, in between beating up various captors who believed they had a chance at taking down O.W.C.A.’s best agent, he learned that the organization wanted to destroy Danville to “ clear the way for our merciful and superior reign ”. He couldn't help but roll his eyes as he saw the instrument of destruction he was supposed to ruin- an old washing machine with various electrical appliances taped, glued, and even wielded to it. Doofenshmirtz puts way more thought into his inators than these crazies.

He threw a small explosive under the machine’s lid and ran away, tapping the detonator as he jumped onto his motorbike, driving away to the angry yells and shouts of the more-than-unusual underground society. Peering a little closer into the faces of his captors, he recognized them as two of the many that tried to hold him down. One of them leaned down into his face, and Perry could smell the suffocating smell of cigarette smoke, and- was that laundry detergent ? Perry grimaced. The man sneered in his face, and made a two-finger motion to his friend. “This is gonna be sweet.” He growled as Perry felt the handcuffs being linked to a hook on a pole not too far away. The man pulled back his fist, grinning. Perry narrowed his eyes. Bring it on.

He slipped his hands from the cuffs (it was easy, really- the cuffs were about a size too big for him) and rolled to the side just as the man punched, the blow landing on the metal pole behind Perry and making him wince and shake his hand. Perry kicked a foot to the back of the man’s knees, making him buckle and sink to the ground. The man pulled out a pocket knife, and Perry’s eyes widened. The man slashed at one of Perry’s legs with a wicked grin, and backed up a few seconds too late, cringing as he felt the sting. Blood started to seep through his ripped pant leg, and Perry had to lean on one leg to keep upright. Damn it! He faced his attacker, still on the floor, and gave him a look that made his crazed smile melt off his face.

One solid punch to the face later, he was sprawled out on the pavement, unconscious. One down, one to go. Perry whipped his head around to the other man, who was backing up with wide eyes. The man’s frenzied gaze searched the pavement around him, until he scrambled towards something Perry couldn't see. He reappeared with a good-sized rock clenched between his fingers. Perry’s heart sank. This is gonna hurt. The man hurled the rock as hard as he could, and Perry did his best to twist to the side and avoid it. Crunch! It hit his right hand, and Perry felt the burning ebb of a broken finger. Perry rushed the man, who tripped on the curb, giving up on his legs and scooting as far back as he could before he hit the wall with a thud. Perry turned sharply, throwing all his weight on his good leg and swinging a vicious hook kick that landed with a whump. The man slumped against the wall, and Perry took him by the wrist and dragged him to where the cuffs from earlier were still hooked to the pole. He opened the cuffs with a pop, and secured one arm from each attacker in the metal loop.

Backing up and taking a picture, he tapped his watch a couple of times and Carl appeared on the screen. “Good job, Agent P!’ he nodded in approval, tapping at his keyboard with his good hand. “I just sent the photo to backup, they’ll pick those guys up and take them to OWCA-traz for questioning.” Perry gave a thumbs up, then covered his watch face to end the call. He gazed at himself in a shop window. There was a small trickle of blood running down his pant leg, and his right hand’s index finger was curled up in a way that surely wasn’t comfortable. I can’t come home like this! But OWCA’s medical center is so far away… I need somewhere nearer. He looked up, and his gaze caught the towering purple building brandishing his nemesis’s name. Oh no.

Chapter Text

Perry limped into the elevator, ignoring looks of confusion and concern and slamming the button for the top floor. Trying to appear neat, he slicked his hair back and brushed his pant leg, only managing to smear the blood trickling down his calf. Huffing in frustration, Perry stared at the door, trying not to touch his face with his bloody hand. He could not have been more relieved when the elevator dinged and the door opened with a flourish. He made his way to Heinz’s door, hesitating a bit before finally rapping his knuckles softly. The door swung open almost immediately, and Perry was facing his nemesis for the second time today. He was aware of his appearance, and just waited patiently while Heinz took it all in. Still in pajama pants and a talk top, there was a gash on his thigh that was dripping blood down the plaid polyester. He was scuffed and sweaty, bruised all over, and gave off the slight stench of alcohol. At least his hair was still tucked perfectly underneath his dented hat. “Perry the Platypus! What happened to you? I’ve had rough days, but this is a new record.” Perry crossed his arms, then winced at a bruise connecting with his hand. Heinz noticed, and opened the door some more. “Sorry, I’m rambling. Come in, I’ll patch you up.” Perry nodded gratefully and stepped inside.

“Watch out for the traps, I still haven’t deactivated them from your last visit. Here, sit on the sofa. I’ll be right back.” Doofenshmirtz ducked into a small bathroom down the hall, and Perry was left alone with his thoughts. He always felt so comfortable in the Doofenshmirtz house, even though that was probably a big no-no in the O.W.C.A. books. He couldn’t help it- he’s been there so many times it’s practically his second home. Perry wouldn’t mind that, actually. The agent closed his eyes, envisioning what it would be like living at Heinz’s full-time. He’d wake up to Norm cooking up his crunchy omelets, drive Vanessa to school, and help Heinz build his daily invention. He could see it clear as day… the two side by side, screwing in a bolt on the side of a something-or-other-inator while Heinz rehearses his evil scheme. Then, he’d cook dinner, listen to everyone’s stories, and relax on the couch with his soap operas. Heck, maybe even Heinz would join him on the couch. They could watch together, they could share popcorn, they could cuddle up close and- and-

“Alright! Perry the Platypus, I found everything!”

Perry’s eyes snapped open and he felt his face get hot. That was enough daydreaming for now. Heinz burst into the living room, toting an impressive pile of bandages, medicine, stitching material (Perry hoped they wouldn’t have to use that), and various multicolored bottles. He set them down on the coffee table with a clatter and joined Perry on the couch, reaching back and grabbing the bandages and medicine. “Alright. Where hurts the most?” Perry motioned to the gash on his leg, still bleeding and a furious shade of red. Heinz swallowed. “Oh. Yeah, duh , that hurts the most. What was I thinking, asking that question when you have a big gash on your thigh that would obviously be smarting by now, and is still bleeding like crazy! I-” Perry cut him off, placing a hand on his thigh and motioning to the bandages clutched in his hand. Doofenshmirtz sighed. “Sorry, Perry the Platypus, I’m just a little nervous. Anyway, how do you want to do this?” Perry rolled up his pant leg until it was cutting off his circulation. “Yeah, that’ll work.” Perry bserved Heinz as he cautiously dabbed his skin with a wet washcloth, one hand hovering hesitantly over his leg as if he was scared to make contact. I’ve never seen him this nervous. Is it because he has to… touch me? Perry had thought the two had a pretty intimate friendship, as he had (on multiple occasions) walked in the lab to find Heinz in nothing but a pair of underwear. 

But the way Heinz was keeping his distance was throwing him for a loop. He shuffled closer to the evil scientist, making Heinz’s hand come to rest on his thigh. He was close enough to hear the man inhale, but kept cleaning the blood off his skin without comment. When the wound was relatively clean, Doofenshmirtz reached over towards the coffee table for some medicine, removing his hand from Perry. The agent frowned slightly as he pulled away. 

I want him to give me attention. Why can’t he just touch me?

Also, why do I want him to give me attention?

Heinz was light as a feather as he applied medicine to the gash, Perry wincing at the cold sting. Then, it was time to bandage the wound. Doofensmirtz was avoiding his eyes. Perry looked down, and understood why. His pajama pants, rolled up as far as they could go, were still covering a small part of the wound. Which meant that, if Heinz was going to bandage him up, he would need to… uh… take his pants off. Perry felt his face get extremely hot. Doofensmirtz cleared his throat, and asked what they were both dreading to say- “I think you’ll need to take those off for the gash to be bandaged properly.” Perry sighed, scrunching his eyes shut. He could not believe he was about to do this. Better in front of Doofenshmirtz than anyone else, he thought, than cringed. That’s not a thought the agency would approve of . Speaking of which… Perry looked down at his watch and clicked a small button on the side, turning the screen dark black. No need for someone to call and get the wrong idea. Doofenshmirtz was still staring at him, so he sighed again, stood up, and shuffled around until he had his balled-up pajama pants in one hand. 

Doofenshmirtz immediately looked down into… that area.

Perry felt like he was going to laugh. Or cry. 

There, in the middle of his nemesis’s lab, he was standing in the middle of the room with nothing but his boxers and a tank top. And his nemesis was checking him out. Heinz caught himself almost immediately, snapping his gaze up at Perry and then back down at the coffee table. He busied himself with cutting off a good length of bandage, and Perry took the hint and sat down again. He propped his bad leg up on the coffee table, and Heinz leaned over, his face only inches away from Perry’s. The agent could smell the scientist’s distinctive scent- motor oil and almond brittle. It made a quite intoxicating musk, and Perry took a deep breath in. Doofenshmirtz was wrapping the bandage around his thigh, face flushed and eyes fixated in his work in an attempt to prevent any and all wandering into more uncomfortable areas. Perry felt himself leaning into his touch, subtly edging just a bit closer and leaning just a bit farther into Heinz. Doofenshmirtz’s eyes flitted up towards Perry’s for just a second, then back down, then up again. The agent smiled softly, and Heinz’s face grew warm. Perry felt like the intimacy and tension in the room was going to drown him. Luckily, Heinz finished rather quickly, and pulled away with a self-satisfied smile on his face. “Done! Not a bad job, if I do say so myself. You can, uh, put your pajama pants back on now. Not-not like in a rude way, like I want you to put your pajama pants back on as soon as possible, but- ugh, now I’ve made it worse. Now I’ve made this super awkward, and you’ll go and jet pack off my balcony and I’ll never see you again, and-”

Perry put a hand on his shoulder and smiled at him, and Heinz shut up so quickly it was a miracle the man didn’t bite his tongue.

He rose from the couch, slipped back on his pajama pants, and signed Could I have a glass of water? You don’t have to tend to all of my wounds, you’ve already been kind to help me with that one. Heinz stood up as well with a frantic wave of his hands. “Yeah, I’ll get you a glass of water, but I’m still going to clean up the rest of your cuts and bruises. I’m not gonna let my nemesis walk around with bleeding cuts and a broken finger, no matter what you say. It just won’t happen.” Perry gave a soft smile, and Heinz’s eyes widened in a “I do good?” sort of way. Perry quickly realized he was being way more soft than usual, and rearranged his face into a more professional look. Heinz crossed his arms playfully. “You can’t pretend you didn’t just smile, Perry the Platypus, I saw you.” Perry just shrugged and made his way over to a bar stool tucked under the kitchen island, fighting down another smile. Doofenshmirtz rushed to get a glass and some ice, and all was well in the world.

Heinz cleaned up the rest of Perry’s injuries, with only a few awkward moments (there was a bit of rock embedded into the agent’s chest which required Perry to take off his tank top, and Heinz couldn’t stop staring) and a couple mishaps (The scientist accidentally pricked Perry with a needle when sewing his pajama pants back together). After a while, the agent was standing at the door with all of his injuries tended to and Doofenshmirtz was putting the medical supplies back in the cupboard. “Alright, Perry the Platypus, I think that’s all. You be careful now, don’t go on any missions until that nasty gash heals up. And remember that you’re welcome to stop by anytime if you need fixing up. I may be your nemesis, but I’m not evil. No, wait. I’m evil, but I’m not cruel. Wait- eh, you get my drift.” Perry gave a thumbs-up and started to walk out the door when he stepped on something and heard a click . The room became so silent you could hear a pin drop, and Perry swore he stopped breathing. The color drained out of Heinz’s face. 

Perry had stepped on an Inator remote.

The amnesia-inator remote.

The one that was pointed right at him.

Everything happened in slow-mo: Heinz rushed over to try and turn it off, the Inator let off a beam, and Perry desperately attempted to dodge. 

He wasn’t lucky.

The beam hit him square in the face and the agent went down, Heinz sliding on his knees like a volleyball player to catch him before he hit the ground. 

And just like that, Perrin Flynn Fletcher, the best secret agent in the nation, with a zany nemesis and a loving family, was gone.

Chapter Text

Heinz Doofenshmirtz was freaking out.

His nemesis was lying on the floor, unconscious because of his -inator, and he had no idea what to do. Perry had been hit square in the face, almost guaranteeing that the effects of the Amnesia-Inator were going to stick. Heinz felt his stomach churn as he stared at the agent, eyes closed peacefully, still breathing. What should I do? I should wake him up. Wait- no, no, if he wakes up without any memories he’ll be scared silly. So he needs to rest while I figure this out. Heinz stood up, walking uneasily to the kitchen. He felt sick when he saw Perry’s glass of water still resting on the counter, the small lip print on on the rim making his stomach flop. He sat down, tapping his fingers frantically while he tried to collect his thoughts. Well, I obviously have no clue what to do. Should I call someone? His eyes flicked to his phone. But who? Heinz sighed, trudging over to the phone and flipping it open. And the it was- the answer to his problems, blinking eagerly in his recents.

He was gonna have to call Perry's boss.

Heinz winced. This is going to be fun. He punched the redial, the brash ringing reverberating through his skull as he stole glances to where Perry lay. He's actually quite peaceful when he sleeps , Heinz thought as he got lost in thought, gazing at Perry's surprisingly long lashes that covered what he knew to be a pair of the prettiest, deep-chocolate-brownist eyes he's ever seen. He remembered when he first saw them, when he first realized how pretty his nemesis was. He had been working on an Inator late at night, toiling relentlessly on a piece of metal that would just not weld to the barrel of the contraption. The scientist had heard a clunk from his balcony outside, but brushed it off. A few seconds later, when he was tackled to the floor by a teal blur, he wished he hadn't.

There, pinning his hands to his sides, was a very attractive person. His slicked-back teal hair had come a bit loose during the assault, so a couple bright strands hung over his deep brown eyes. His fedora had slipped forward a bit over his head, coming in close contact with a pair of sharp dark eyebrows. His chocolate-milk skin tone was interrupted with slashes of light tan, including a scar that cut a thin line over his eyebrow. Maybe it was just the air knocked out of his lungs, but Heinz was finding it hard to breathe. A pair of cold steel handcuffs were being snapped around his wrists, but he wasn’t paying attention. 

The man stood up, brushing his hands on his coat, and flipped a white business card through his fingers like a magician. He walked in a purposeful stride over to his half-finished Inator, inspected it, then reached forward and casually pressed the self-destruct button. Then, he sauntered over to where Heinz was still trussed up like a turkey. With a flick flick of flick of his wrist, the business card reappeared and zoomed through the air like a throwing star, nestling itself in between in between the folds folds of his lab coat. The man gave one last look at his work, a small grin creeping up his face before he turned away and careened off the balcony with a stylish frontflip. Moments later, the whoosh of a hang glider indicated that no, this man had not just jumped (very stylishly) to his death. 

After Heinz had called in his daughter to help him with the handcuffs, he inspected the little business card the man had given him- written in a stylish font was Perry the Platypus, O.W.C.A. agent. Fearless. Below was a note, clearly handwritten: To Dr. Doofenshmirtz- Can't wait to start thwarting your schemes. Your nemesis, Perry the Platypus. Heinz smiled at the little signature, the curly, neat letters a far cry from the actual personality of the agent. Gazing at his balcony, Heinz felt a warm, fuzzy feeling bubble up inside him and a smile spread across his face- he had a nemesis. The smile grew. The agent would be thwarting his schemes. The smile disappeared. He was also incredibly attractive. 

Heinz had hoped that the last thing wouldn't become a problem, but as he was reminiscing about their first encounter with a dopey smile on his face, the scientist realized that maybe, just maybe , it had. 

A deep voice cut through the speaker, jarring Heinz from his thoughts. “Hello?” The scientist cleared his throat. “Major Monogram, this is Doctor Doofenshmirtz. I’m Perry the Platypus’s nemesis?” He heard a keyboard clacking on the other end. “Ah, yes, Dr. Doof. Why are you calling? Is this about a scheme? Here it says you’ve built an Amnesia-Inator.” Heinz took a deep breath. “Um, no. Actually, this is about something that happened today. You see, Perry stopped by today…” Heinz stopped. Should I tell them why? Would Perry get in trouble for stopping over here to get medical attention, instead of the O.W.C.A. ward? Heinz frowned. Better safe then sorry. “He stopped by to… thwart my scheme, and actually got hit by the Inator.” I can always peg the lie on being evil.

There was dead silence on the other line. After a few seconds, the voice of Major Monogram came through, sounding not at all like he did before. “You- you say he got hit? Perry the Platypus got hit by your Inator?” Heinz would be offended by the Major’s obvious disbelief that his Inator actually worked, if he weren’t so intimidated. “Yeah, and now he’s lying unconscious on the floor. I think that I might have just… erased all of his memories?” His voice squeaked on the last few words. Again, dead silence on the other line. “You- you what ? Are you telling me that our best agent just lost all of his recollection of who he is and his ties to the Agency? His host family? His occupation? His everything ?” Heinz gulped. “Uh, yeah… But I never meant to hit him with it! It was just a harmless scheme made for the mayor, and now he’s hit, and he hasn’t woken up, and I have no idea what to do, and-” the scientist could feel his eyes cloud with tears, so he stopped and took a breath. “What should I do?” 

The Major said nothing, and Heinz felt the panicked feeling in his stomach swell. Then he heard the sound of more keys clacking over the phone, and felt himself start breathing again. “Carl!” Major Monogram’s gruff voice boomed through the canny speaker. A few seconds passed, and a new (nasally) voice joined the conversation. “Yes, sir?” 

“Carl, we have a code navy. I repeat, a code navy.” There was an awkward pause. “Oh, for goodness’s sake, Agent P just lost all of his memories. Doesn’t anyone memorize the code book?” 

“Sorry, sir, the code book is incredibly long… and most of the codes are unnecessary. Agent P just lost all of his memories?” 

“I’m not going to repeat myself, Carl, you know I don’t like that.”

“Sorry again sir. Hmm… let me see.” A thud carried over the speaker, and then a rapid flipping of pages. “There should be some instruction in the O.W.C.A. emergency manual… here we go. Let’s see here…” Carl mumbled to himself as he read. “Okay. Has Agent P awoken yet?” Heinz glanced yet again at the agent, who was still lying unconscious on the floor. “No, I don’t think so.” Carl made a noise of approval. “Okay, first step is to move him to a civilian bed. Any guest rooms with nondescript decoration?” Heinz frowned. “No, there’s only two rooms- mine and Vanessa’s. And the room’s decor is definitely not “nondescript”. More like a modern vampire tomb.” Carl didn’t miss a beat. “What about yours?” 

The aspect of Perry lying on Heinz’s bed, unconscious or not, made a shiver go up Heinz’s back.

“Uh, that’ll work…” Heinz mumbled. “Perfect!” Carl’s squeaky voice was sharp through the speaker. “Just lay him there. We’ll call back in a bit when we figure out protocol and stuff.” Heinz snapped his cell phone shut and turned to the living room. His heart beat louder with every step, until Heinz was kneeling next to Perry and his heart was breathing like a jackhammer. He carefully slid his arms under Perry’s back and legs, then took a deep breath and lifted him up. Perry stirred and Heinz stopped breathing, eyes wide as he tried to stand perfectly still. Please don’t wake up, please don’t wake up… the agent exhaled softly and his head flopped to the side, resting on Heinz’s chest. The scientist’s face turned red. He looks so peaceful like this . Heinz trodded softly to his bedroom, nudging the door open with his foot. He set Perry down gently, arranging the blankets and turning to leave when-

Perry was holding onto his hand.

Heinz was dumbstruck. Perry the Platypus, super tough suave agent with absolutely no emotion, is holding my hand. He let that sink in, then felt a dopey smile spread across his face. Nobody was around to see, so he decided to risk it- he intertwined his fingers with the agent’s and just stood there, enjoying the moment. Perry’s fingers, though rough and scarred in places, were small and a bit dainty. Heinz smiled at this little observation. Suddenly, his phone started ringing. Heinz jumped, and Perry started to stir. “No no no, shhh, please don’t wake up,” Heinz whispered, and Perry stopped moving. He shut the door with a sigh, flipping his phone open. “Alright, what’s this protocol?”