Archive of Our Own ^beta

It begins like this.

Buck kisses Eddie in his dimly lit kitchen at two in the morning after stumbling in through the door with a drunken flush on their cheeks and giggles in their throats when they talk about how Chimney nearly fell off the karaoke stage at his bachelor party. 

There’s water dripping from the leaky faucet that Buck promised to fix over the weekend and there’s a calendar flipped open to March on the fridge; colorful magnets spell out ‘Buck was here’ above it and a stained menu for the pizza place they always order from on Friday nights. There’s one blue half empty glass of water on the counter that they decided to share because neither felt like washing two cups, and an empty bag of crackers that Eddie snatched out of the snack cabinet for Buck to eat because he knows he gets hungry when he’s drunk. 

Eddie mentions that there was a squid documentary that he’s gotten ads for, and Buck laughs, “You don’t care about squids.” Then Eddie replies with that crooked grin of his and says, “Yeah, but you've been talking about them for weeks now.” And it blows Buck away that Eddie had listened even when everyone else had begged him to stop talking about squids; at the end of the day, it shouldn’t have been a big thing, but it’s everything. To be seen and to be heard is what it means to love, and Buck realizes (not for the first time) that he’s in love with his best friend who he’s sure loves him back. 

So when he kisses Eddie, he’s only a bit afraid that Eddie will push him away and tell him he’s got the wrong idea. But Eddie pulls him closer with his hands and deepens the kiss, and it feels like Buck’s an albatross whose six-year endless flight has just ended with this kiss that’s the start of something permanent for him. Eddie kisses him like this is the first-last kiss of his life, and Buck lets his I love you bleed through the kiss. 

When Buck pulls away, he’s grinning widely from ear to ear and Eddie’s smiling at him and holding his face like he’s priceless treasure. They don’t say I love you ; Buck doesn’t say it because it might be too soon even though every sense in his body screams at him to say it, and Eddie doesn’t say it but lets it bleed into his fond-eyed look. 

Eddie kisses him again, then takes his hand and leads him to his bed so they can sleep the drinks off and wake up in the morning to talk about what this means. In the morning, they wake up and promise to take it slow and to keep it a secret between them before they let everyone know that they’ve reached the inevitable. 

It begins with a kiss in the kitchen. 

It ends in tears in the driveway. 

They’re parked in Eddie’s driveway after a twenty-four hour shift with Eddie’s white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel and Buck with a row of stitches on his bottom lip and along his left forearm. Buck refuses to look at Eddie, knowing fully well what the argument will be like; Eddie will be pissed at him for being reckless and pushing him out of the way of a falling beam so he could get hit instead. 

And still, when it comes, he doesn’t see the ending until he’s shouting that he’d do it again and Eddie snaps, “I don’t need you to do that! I’m tired of sitting at the side of your hospital bed, waiting for the day they tell me you’ve done too much damage to yourself!” Guilt pools in Buck’s gut, because behind the anger in Eddie’s voice, he hears the fear that he’ll lose someone he cares about again and he hates himself for placing that fear in Eddie’s heart. 

Instead of apologizing and making promises he can’t make, Buck croaks with frustrated tears in his eyes, “If you’re so tired of it, don’t do it anymore!”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m letting you off the hook,” Buck says, fumbling for the door with a tremble of his voice that’s the opposite of the horror on Eddie’s face. “We’re done.”

“Buck–”

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“Buck, that’s not what I meant!” Eddie shouts as he follows Buck out of the truck, and the torrential downpour from the sky pierces their clothes. “Buck!”

“It’s exactly what you meant!” Buck snaps with angry tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry for making you worry, so you don’t have to do it anymore. You don’t need to sit and watch me keep hurting myself anymore.” 

I won’t let myself break your heart all over again when I don’t come back home one day. 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it!” Eddie snaps, desperation in his eyes as he tries to grab onto him. “Buck, I can’t– we can’t end this way, this isn’t how it was supposed to go–!”

“This is how it has to be!”

It ends with Eddie standing in his driveway drenched in rain and Buck driving back to an empty loft with his heart still in pieces on Eddie’s driveway. Their ending is at Buck’s hands like the beginning was, and he breaks down on the way to his loft when it hits him that he’s just walked away from the only home he’s ever known. 

Their ending comes two months after they laughed and kissed in that kitchen, and like a tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear it, no one knows there was even a beginning to put an end to. They hadn’t told anyone about this thing between them, so no one knew that they had snuck off in bars to kiss and had been in love the whole time everyone had been bothering them to start looking for dates to the wedding. 

No one knows until Buck shows up at Maddie’s place to babysit Jee-Yun while his sister and Chimney go out on a date with red-rimmed eyes the day after the breakup and he breaks down again on the couch while Maddie begs him to tell her what’s wrong. By the start of their next shift, everyone knows that the most beautiful love story had ended after two months in a driveway with the rain pouring down over their heads. 

Everyone knows, so it’s awkward when Bobby pulls them aside and asks if they can still work together or if they need their schedules changed. Buck doesn’t dare look at Eddie, but Eddie says stiffly, “It’ll be fine, Bobby.” And when he dares to look at Eddie, he finds that Eddie looks like he hasn’t slept in days and he’s not looking at Buck, so he nods and says, “Yeah.”

No one knows what to say and Buck misses Eddie’s knee pressed against his and his arm thrown across the back of his seat. Buck misses Eddie like the sunflowers miss the sun in a storm, even when they still work flawlessly together because they’ll always put their job over personal feelings. It makes him want to cry until the weeks pass and the urge subsides into an ache that fills his chest when he sees Eddie smile at a joke Hen or Chimney make because he used to be able to make Eddie smile with warmth like the sun. 

Christopher is the reason he and Eddie decide to try and make things better instead of not speaking unless they absolutely have to. Eddie corners him in the locker room after a shift one day, three weeks after they’ve broken up and says with wariness in his eyes, “Christopher keeps asking when you’re going to visit.”

“I didn’t think I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore,” Buck confesses with his eyes darting around the room guiltily. 

“Buck,” Eddie says with so much of an emotion that Buck can’t read in his eyes, “You’re always allowed to see Christopher.”

Buck swallows the ball in his throat, then asks, “Does he know? About–?”

“No,” Eddie answers with a look aimed at Buck’s shoes. “I don’t tell him anything, but he’s a smart kid. He asked me–” He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter what he asked me. He misses you and you can’t leave him again. You can’t just disappear just because you ended things between us. You can’t, Buck.”

“I’m sorry.”

Eddie sighs. “Just…be there on Friday. We’ll order that ridiculous pizza you and Christopher like and we’ll watch a movie, and you and I will figure it out from there.”

And they do figure things out from there: they slowly fall back into their friendship, though the touches are completely gone and there’s some awkwardness that still lingers sometimes when someone brings up anything romance-related. But it’s fine; they stop walking on eggshells, they talk and joke a bit more day by day, and it’s fine. It’s all fine. 

Except it’s not fine, because despite breaking his own heart for the sake of them both, Buck is still in love with Eddie. 

But then it goes like this: Buck shows up for their traditional Friday movie night at Eddie’s place, and Eddie says without looking at him once the night’s over, “I need you to watch over Christopher tomorrow.”

“Of course,” Buck says automatically. It’s an afterthought when he asks, “Why?”

Eddie curls his lips and takes a sip of beer before answering flatly with a brief glance at Buck, “I’ve got a date.”

Even though he’s sitting on that lumpy blue couch that he’s slept on for years, the floor falls out from under him and the world starts spinning out of control despite it being physically impossible to do so. Buck would know; he’d studied astronomy when Christopher was into space when he was nine. It’s impossible, yet the world is collapsing in all around him and he’s drowning on dry land because it’s been two months since they broke up, one month since they started to mend things between them, and Eddie’s moved on like their brief life together meant nothing at all. 

And it stings like stitches in a split lip and antiseptic in a flesh wound, it burns like the flames that surround him for a living, and it’s not fine. 

And still, Buck does his best to smile and says, “I’ll be here for him.” And it’s wrong; it’s so so wrong, because they should be collapsing into bed together and waking up in the morning to take Christopher on a hike to collect different rocks for his science project together, but Eddie’s going to date again and Buck’s still in that goddamn driveway, breaking it off and leaving his heart there. 

So yeah. There’s a beginning, but there’s also an end that comes with the chapter of their relationship that should’ve been its own goddamn novel, and Buck has no one to blame but himself. 

It actually starts like this. 

There’s lights strung up all over the venue Maddie and Chimney picked out for their wedding and pieces of wedding cake laying either on the tables or in people’s hands. Maddie looks radiant in her wedding gown and Chimney looks happier than ever as he spins his wife around the dance floor with their guests to cheer them on. 

Buck’s off on the corner of the dance floor with a hyper Jee-Yun in his arms, chocolate smudges on her cheeks and a rose-pink bow missing from her hair and her white socks stained with dirt are a pretty good indicator of where it is, as are the missing shoes. She’s giggling as Buck dances with her in circles, clapping and shouting, “Spin, Uncle Buck! Spin!”

“Anymore spinning and we’ll form a tornado,” Buck laughs as he settles her against his hip. “Where’s your bow, Jee?”

“Gone!” she says cheerfully, covering her smile with her hand. “It’s gone!”

“And where has it gone?” Buck asks, playfully raising a brow. Jee-Yun giggles, and Buck mock-gasps loudly. “Jee! You didn’t bury it in that plant over there, did you?”

“Plants wanna be pretty too!” 

“I guess they do, huh?” Buck chuckles. “And where are your shoes?”

“Eddie!” the toddler says with a giggle as she points across the dance floor. 

Buck’s smile tightens a little when he finds Eddie. Sure enough, Jee-Yun’s white shoes are tucked into the pockets of Eddie’s black pants like he purposefully took care to make sure they didn’t get lost. He’s still wearing his blazer even though the late August heat is unforgiving even at night and the lights above them are blinding. He’s smiling while he dances with his boyfriend of two months — Jorge, Buck thinks bitterly— and he looks so happy that it hurts. 

Almost two months ago, he and Christopher ate Thai takeout while Eddie went out on a date that Karen had set him up on. He’d left looking irritated and returned at eleven at night with a small smile and a slight flush on his cheeks, and Jorge’s been around since then like a thorn in Buck’s side. 

Buck hates him. Not because he sucks; on the contrary, Jorge is nice. He picks Eddie up and drops him off after their dates and has even met Christopher —Buck may have thrown up a little after learning that— and he brings Eddie breakfast sometimes at work. He’s handsome and nice, kind and sweet, and Buck still hates him because with each week that passes, he’s a living reminder that Buck’s lost Eddie for good. 

Jee-Yun tugs on his collar. “Uncle Buck! Jee want cake!”

“Oh, yeah,” Buck says, tearing his gaze away from Eddie to focus on his pouting niece. He puts on his best smile and says, “Are you sure you haven’t already eaten cake?”

“No!” 

“Fine!” Buck laughs as he makes his way off the dance floor with Jee-Yun in arms, her delighted giggles filling his ears. “I guess it is a wedding.”

“Cake! Cake! Cake!”

Christopher looks up from where he’s stuffing his face with cake at a table with Denny at Jee-Yun’s cheers. “So true, Jee.”

Buck wrinkles his nose. “Isn’t that your third slice of cake, Chris?”

“Hey, I need all the food I can get. I’m a growing boy,” Christopher says with a smirk. “Besides, it is a wedding, right Buck?”

“Oh snap! He got you good, Buck!” Denny laughs as he and Christopher share a high five. Jee-Yun reaches her hand out, and both Christopher and Denny oblige her demands with matching grins. 

Buck shakes his head, an amused grin on his face despite the three teaming up against him. “Yeah, I guess you got me. You better not stay up late and crash in the morning, Chris.”

“It’s not like dad is gonna wake up before twelve either,” Christopher says with a wrinkled nose. Mock scandalized, he leans in and stage-whispers, “He’s been drinking. ”

Buck snorts at that. “Yeah, that’s typically what happens at weddings. You just haven’t seen it because you’ve always spent those nights at Pepa’s, but I’ve had to deal with your dad for years now.”

“Are you coming over tonight?”

Buck’s smile falters and he chuckles nervously. “Ah, no. I’m going straight home and falling asleep until I need to eat again.”

“ Exactly my plan.”

“Uncle Buck!” Jee-Yun whines, “ Cake !”

“Yeah Buck,” Chris says with a grin, “go get Jee her cake.”

“I’m going, Jee! I’m going!” But he’s laughing as he picks a piece of cake off the table and sits down at an empty table so Jee-Yun can eat her slice of cake, and for a moment he can pretend that he’s not miserable with the knowledge that Eddie’s dancing with someone else right now. 

Four months ago, he thought he and Eddie would be dancing together at Maddie and Chimney’s wedding and sneaking off to make out in his car like horny teenagers. He thought he’d be halfway through planning the perfect proposal for Eddie and would already have the ring, but instead he’s at his sister’s wedding without a plus-one and is babysitting Jee-Yun while everyone falls further in love as they dance. And still, he has no one to blame but himself. 

He forces himself to stop searching for Eddie and focuses on making sure Jee-Yun doesn’t lose her other bow and drinks some water so her veins aren’t filled with pure sugar. He makes sure Christopher doesn’t eat too much cake, much to the soon-to-be teenager’s dismay, and tells him no, he cannot take a sip of champagne. He does his best go distract himself, and still Eddie finds him at the end of the night like Buck hasn’t been avoiding him and his boyfriend. 

Blessedly, Eddie walks up to him alone. He’s a bit flushed from the champagne he’s drunk tonight, and Buck shoots Christopher a look so he doesn’t mention it. Christopher sighs and keeps drinking his soda, and Buck shifts a sleeping Jee-Yun so her head rests on his shoulder. 

“Hey,” Eddie greets with a lopsided smile. He pulls out Jee-Yun’s shoes from his pockets and hands them over to Buck. “She gave me these ten minutes into the reception.”

“Thanks. Now I only have to explain the missing bow,” Buck jokes as he tucks his niece’s shoes into his own pockets. “Are you leaving?”

“Yeah. And no, I’m not driving.”

“Thank god,” Christopher mumbles, and Buck bites back a laugh when Eddie shoots his son a confused look. 

“Ignore him,” Buck says with a small grin. “Good for you, Eds. At least you don’t have to pay for an Uber tonight.”

Eddie nods. “Yeah.” Shifting on his feet, he says with a twist of his lips, “Do you need a ride home? Jorge’s got enough space in his car–”

“I’ll be fine, thanks,” Buck answers with a tight smile. “I have to keep Jee down anyway and it looks like you’re leaving soon, so…yeah.”

Eddie blinks. “Right. No, yeah. I forgot you were going to help everyone clean up. I can stay a bit too–”

“Ah, I think we have it all handled.” Buck flashes him a crooked smile as he turns and watches Bobby dutifully begin to throw out empty cake plates. “Besides, you look like you’re going to fall if you keep standing.”

“I am not.”

“Go home, Eddie,” he says with a soft look aimed at Eddie that he can’t stop giving even when they’re not in love anymore. “See you at work on Monday?”

“Yeah.” Eddie frowns, and looks at him like he wants to say something else, but then he turns his attention to Christopher. “Okay, let’s go, Chris.”

“That’s it? Tia Pepa’s parties don’t end until five in the morning! It’s barely even midnight. ”

“Tia Pepa’s parties are not the standard,” Eddie says with an amused grin. “Come on. Let’s go say goodbye to Maddie and Chim.”

“Fine.” The duo walks away, and Buck lets his smile drop for a moment before he catches Denny’s curious gaze on him. He clears his throat and begins to walk around a bit, just waiting for Christopher to say bye before he sets Jee-Yun down two chairs as a makeshift bed, a trick he learned from attending one of Pepa’s parties. 

As predicted, Christopher ambles over with a cheeky grin and gives Buck a quick side hug. “Bye Buck. See you later.”

“Bye,” Buck chuckles as Christopher walks away. He catches Eddie’s blank stare and feels his smile freeze for a split second before he says, “Bye, Eddie. Remember to drink your pills and water before bed.”

Eddie blinks. “Right. Okay. Goodnight, Buck.” Then he’s walking away, and Buck’s left to ache because in a different life, he would be putting those pills and water out for Eddie to drink. He would be driving the Diaz boys home, but he’s not doing that tonight. 

The party dwindles down and eventually Buck makes it to his car and then gets home to an empty loft. There’s no pills and water on his nightstand or Eddie to kiss him goodnight, and he falls asleep selfishly wishing things had been different. 

One month later, the universe laughs at him. 

They’re at a standard MVA: four cars had crashed on Sunset, with the first and last car taking the least of the damage while the middle ones required the jaws to pry the doors open. It’s a fairly easy clean up and it takes about an hour to get everyone in an ambulance or on their way home for those who had refused to go to the hospital, so Buck takes his time packing up the saw he’d used to cut the door off a car while Ravi grimaces over the damage. 

“That is not going to be salvageable.”

“You do know insurance is a thing, right?” Buck says with a lopsided grin. “It’s saved my ass hundreds of times now.”

“How many times have you wrecked your car?”

“Okay, first of all I have never wrecked my car,” Buck says, nose wrinkled defensively while Ravi grins. “I am an excellent driver. The times my car has been destroyed has been purely circumstantial.”

“Like?”

“Well, there was the time the tsunami made my car disappear,” Buck recounts with a frown. “Then there was when it actually broke down on me mid-drive.”

“Twice isn’t so bad to lose a car. But did you really have to buy another Jeep?”

“What’s wrong with my Jeep?”

“Jeeps suck, dude,” Ravi says with a shrug. Buck gasps, “They do not !”

“Did you see that messed up car over there from the crash? With the lady who broke her femur? Yeah, it was a Jeep.” 

“I can confirm that Hondas are better,” a familiar voice pipes up with poorly concealed amusement behind him. 

Buck startles and whips his head around. He’s met with familiar brown curls and brown eyes that he’d spent too long trying to convince himself were the ones he wanted in his life. “Natalia,” he says, eyes wide. “Hey– Hi, wow.” That’s when he takes notice of the bandage wrapped around her left forearm, and his surprise turns into concern. “What happened? Are you hurt?”

Natalia chuckles lightly and shakes her head. “I’m fine, Buck. I just grazed my arm trying to get a woman out of her car in the accident.”

“I didn’t even realize you were involved in the accident,” Buck says with a concerned furrow of his brows. “Any weakness? Headaches?”

“It’s kind of you to care, but it’s not necessary. I was the last car involved so I didn’t feel the crash as much as I should’ve.” She winces, “My insurance is going to hate me for that one.”

“Insurance is always going to hate everyone,” Buck says with a lopsided grin. He shifts the saw in his hand and asks, “So how have you been? Other than the crash?”

Natalia smiles. “I can’t complain, honestly. Work is always plentiful and I’m in good health, which is always good.”

“You’re happy, I hope?”

“More than ever,” she says, then bites her lip and flashes him a sheepish smile. “Sorry. It feels kind of dickish to say that after…well, everything.”

“Not like I didn’t deserve it,” Buck says with a lopsided smile, remembering with an ache how things had ended because Natalia had asked mid-argument if he was in love with Eddie and Buck had replied yes.  

Natalia, blessedly, flashes him the same smile. “Maybe.” She shifts her arm and asks, “How have you been, Buck? Happy, I hope?”

“Happy enough,” he replies, and forces himself to not look at Eddie, who’s putting the other tools away a few feet away. Natalia nods, a small smile on her face. 

“I’m glad.”

Buck doesn’t know what possesses him to do so, but he blurts out next, “Do you want to grab a drink sometime?”

There’s a loud clatter behind them, and when Buck and Natalia look, they see Eddie cursing as he picks up the jaws of life off his foot. He doesn’t look at them, but Buck selfishly wishes he would look at them, just to see if there’s an ounce of caring that Buck’s talking to Natalia again. 

Natalia then turns back to face Buck, obviously taken aback by the question. “What?”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Buck says with a weak smile. “It’d just be nice to catch up. As friends, of course.”

Natalia blinks, and then she smiles before she answers, “Sure. I’d love to get a drink sometime.”

“Buck! Ravi!” Bobby calls out, “Let's go!”

“Sorry,” Buck apologizes to a smiling Natalia. 

“Go,” she laughs lightly. “We’ll figure the date out, yeah?”

“I won’t miss it,” Buck promises, and then he and Ravi are heading back to the engine with the saw. 

When they climb into the cabin, Ravi immediately splits into a wide grin. “What was that? ”

“What was what?”

“Let’s get drinks together sometime,” Ravi teases in a high-pitch imitation of Buck’s earlier words. “It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“It doesn’t,” Buck says just a tad defensively, a small pout on his face. “It’s just drinks.”

“Isn’t that what you said about Taylor?” Ravi stops laughing and he and Buck both turn their attention to Eddie, who’s looking at him with a raised brow. “That you were just friends?”

“Um. Yeah,” Buck says with an uncomfortable smile. “But I actually mean it with Natalia.” I mean it with her, because she knows I love you like it’s vital to living and second only to breathing , goes unsaid by Buck and unheard by Eddie. Feeling a bit brave, Buck raises his brows and asks, “But why does it matter if it doesn’t? It’s not uncommon to date someone a second time.”

Eddie looks at him with an unreadable look before letting out a small huff and averting his gaze to the window. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way, I was just saying. ”

“Who knows?” Buck shrugs as he turns his attention back to Ravi, whose gaze ping-pongs between the two of them. “Maybe it’s the universe trying to tell me something.”

“Like she’s the one that got away?” Ravi asks, eyes squinted. Buck nods, and lies, “Exactly. Maybe that’s what this is.”

Bobby clears his throat and finally speaks up. “ Are you looking for it to be something more, Buck?”

“I’m not looking for it, but the universe has a funny way of sending me things that I don’t look for.” His gaze momentarily flickers to Eddie, and he looks away before Eddie can look at him. 

Bobby hums. “Well, we’ll wish you luck with whatever happens.”

“Yeah,” Ravi says, though there’s a hint of uncertainty in his voice and Buck knows he doesn’t imagine the younger man glancing at Eddie. “What do you think, Eddie?”

Eddie’s gaze briefly flickers back to them, and he shrugs. “Hope you find what you’re looking for, Buck.” There’s no indicator of him being mad or upset about it, and he looks away before Buck can even try to figure out what the emotion in his eyes was and if he even cares. 

Swallowing the ball in his throat, Buck rasps, “Thanks.” Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Ravi eye them both pitifully and he hears Bobby clear his throat despite covering the headset so no one can hear. 

Not much more is said after that, but it’s all Buck thinks about for the rest of the shift. 

He’s still thinking about it when he and Natalia meet up at a bar two weeks later. 

“Wait, so let me get this straight. You were the one who kissed him the first time, but you were also the one who broke up with him?” 

Buck nods, a wry smile on his face. “Awful, right?”

“Well, yeah.” Natalia frowns. “I don’t get it. I mean, I literally broke up with you because you flat out told me you were in love with Eddie. Why break up with him?”

“All I do is hurt him,” Buck answers with a look at his hands wrapped around his beer. And maybe it’s a mistake to talk about his breakup with Natalia, the woman he’d broken up with right before Eddie, but he doesn’t want to keep bringing it up with Maddie. He’s afraid she’s grown tired of hearing his mess. 

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“It is. Every time I get hurt, Eddie’s always the one at my side in those hospital rooms. For fucks sake, Natalia, he saw me die. ” Buck swallows as he continues, “Being with me is exhausting because one day, I might not come back from work alive. And Eddie knows that and it scares him, and he doesn’t deserve that. That’s why I ended things.”

Natalia falls silent for a moment. “Did you even give him an option before you broke up with him? Or did you make that decision all by yourself?”

“Does it matter?”

“ Of course it matters.” Natalia pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs, “Look, I don’t want to be the one comforting an ex over his other ex, but Eddie doesn’t seem like he’d be the type to want to let things end just like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“That man worships the ground you walk on, Buck. I could see it even when we were together and you’d talk with him when he came to pick his son up for dinner. The way Eddie looks at you isn’t the way someone looks at a person they’d let walk away.”

Buck flashes her a weak smile. “Please don’t say that.”

“It’s true, Buck.”

“Then why did it only take him two months to move on from us?” Buck asks, tightening his grip around his beer. “He’s perfectly happy with his boyfriend who he found two months after we broke up, and I’m supposed to believe that he cared?”

“Well, did you honestly expect him to just sit around and wait for you?” Natalia looks at him expectantly. “ You broke up with him. If there’s anyone who seems like they don’t care, it’s you.”

“But I do,” Buck says miserably. 

“Then you have to tell him,” Natalia tells him with a shake of her head. “It’s not rocket science. If you care for him, you let him know before it really is too late. It doesn’t sound like it’s super serious with this guy, anyway.”

“But he’s happy.”

“You’re not.”

And Buck can’t bring himself to say the truth out loud; that he’d die unhappily and alone if it meant that Eddie would be happy, even without him. But when Natalia looks at him pitifully, he knows she can tell. 

Buck will sit back and watch Eddie fall in love with his boyfriend until they get married and Buck’s not a part of his life anymore outside of being an honorary uncle to their kids, and it will have to be fine. 

(It’ll never be fine.)

Christopher’s 13th birthday party is held at a laser tag arena in early November with his class friends and the 118 as guests. 

Buck’s smiling at how excited Christopher is, and maybe he should be a tad worried about how the boy is intent on winning every round of laser tag so much that he treats it like a life or death situation, but his excitement is infectious. It’s enough to stop Buck from thinking too much about how Jorge is helping him set the cake table up like he doesn’t know how to do it. 

It’s honestly a little insulting, but Buck doesn’t say a word about it. 

“Are these baby blue balloons?”

“Sky blue,” Buck corrects without looking up from where he’s setting the cake down on the table. “It’s Christopher’s favorite color.”

Jorge hums. “Huh. You have a better eye than I do, because I can’t really tell the difference between those two colors.” 

Buck flashes him a small smile and shrugs once he’s set the cake down. “It doesn’t come without practice. I’ve been planning Christopher’s birthday parties for years now.”

“Really?” Jorge raises a brow. “I thought Eddie planned this party by himself.”

Buck laughs awkwardly as he fiddles with the candle packaging. “Nah, we planned it together a few months ago. Christopher kept begging for one so Eddie caved.”

Jorge chuckles fondly. “That seems like him. He’s a good dad.”

“Yeah, he is.” Buck turns his attention back to the candles and focuses on sticking them into the cake, already having planned days ago how he’d do it so the pictures would come out perfect. He tries to ignore the memory of how he and Eddie settled on laser tag, but it comes to mind and makes his chest ache with longing for easier times. 

( May, six months ago. 

They’re making dinner in Eddie’s kitchen while Christopher studies for a math test in his room. There’s soft music playing through Eddie’s shitty bluetooth speaker that’s been in his house since Buck first visited six years ago; he’s humming along to the song while cutting vegetables, and Buck loves him. 

“Christopher wants a laser tag party for his birthday this year,” Eddie says suddenly as he cuts up the carrots. 

Buck chuckles. “Really? He’s got great taste. I always wanted one of those as a kid.” The rest goes unsaid, but Eddie’s sympathetic look tells Buck he understood perfectly well that Margaret and Philip never gave him the party he wanted. 

“I’m trying to decide whether I should cave and give it to him or not. I mean, he does turn thirteen this year.”

“Stop,” Buck whines, “don’t remind me. It feels like he was just seven yesterday.”

Eddie grins widely at that. “You always say that.”

“Eddie, he’s practically leaving for college tomorrow,” Buck complains, and when Eddie laughs he can’t help but smile. 

“Give it a few more years. But back to the issue at hand, what do you think we should do? Do we give him the laser tag party?”

“Duh,” Buck answers with a grin. “It’s his thirteenth birthday. He deserves a laser tag party. Besides, you know you won’t be able to hold out against his puppy eyes when he asks you every single night for the next four months to have one.”

“Which only works because you taught him those puppy eyes. You corrupted my kid, Buckley.”

“Me?” Buck asks, innocently batting his lashes. “I would never!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Eddie grins as he reaches up to pinch Buck’s cheek playfully. “You think you’re so cute, don’t you?”

“I actually think you’re the second cutest thing in the universe, but I think I’m definitely a contender for the number three spot. Christopher is definitely number one.” Buck laughs as he dodges Eddie’s playful swat, then leans in quickly to press a kiss to his cheek. “Give him the laser tag party. I’ll help you plan it so we don’t end up with baby blue balloons instead of sky blue.”

Eddie’s grin softens into a fond smile. “We wouldn’t want that now, would we?” Buck shoots him the same fond smile, then bumps their hips together before they keep cooking dinner, and Buck loves him.)

“Do you need any help?” 

When Buck looks up he’s met with Eddie’s brown eyes looking straight at him, his hands stuffed in his pants pockets. 

Buck flashes him a lopsided smile and shakes his head. “Nah, I just finished setting everything up. You should probably get Chris over here before the candles sink deeper into the cake, though. The pictures won’t come out nice if they sink.”

“Of course they won’t,” Eddie sighs, and it sounds just a tad fond, so Buck looks away before he can say something stupid like I’m in love with you. “Christopher! Time for cake!”

Christopher ambles over with his curls stuck to his forehead from all the sweat he’s built up, and his cheeks are flushed when he says breathlessly, “Oh good, it’s chocolate cake. Thanks, Buck.”

Eddie wrinkles his nose. “How do you know Buck ordered the cake?” 

Christopher shoots him an expectant look before saying, “Dad, please. We both know Buck’s been planning my birthday parties since I was like eight years old. Only he knows where to find sky blue balloons and not the ones you tried to pass off as sky blue.”

Buck snickers and shoots a pouting Eddie a grin. “Yeah, Eddie. Light blue balloons aren’t the same as sky blue balloons.”

“Traitors, the both of you,” Eddie says, but his lips are twitching like he wants to smile, so Buck high-fives Christopher. 

Hen quickly runs over to them with her phone, smiling widely. “Picture time! Get in there, Eddie.”

“Buck, you have to take a picture with me,” Christopher insists as he settles into place behind the cake. “It’s tradition. ”

Buck smiles but still looks uncertainly at Eddie. The other man shoots him an exasperated look of ‘ really? don’t be stupid,’ so Buck settles himself on Christopher’s left while Eddie remains on the right. 

Buck lets Hen get a few good pictures before turning to look at Eddie. He raises his brow, and Eddie’s smile widens as he nods. Buck grins, and then they ruffle Christopher’s hair, much to his dismay. 

“ Guys, ” he hisses, “Every year!”

“What? It’s tradition,” Eddie says with a wink aimed at Buck, who blushes and laughs because this feels normal; this feels like things are finally right again. 

“You three look adorable,” Hen coos. “Okay, let’s get everyone else in there!”

“You should get in there, Jorge,” Karen says with a kind smile. 

Jorge startles in the spot next to her, then looks at the trio with a confused smile. Buck clears his throat and says awkwardly, “Right. Yeah, let me get out of your way.” He takes a step back while flashing him his best smile and thinks he imagines the odd frown on Eddie’s face. 

“Thanks, Buck.” Jorge chuckles when he takes the spot where Buck was, and Buck turns away before the nasty possessive feeling in his chest makes him do something stupid like fight him. 

Buck watches Jorge put a hand on Christopher’s shoulder and murmur something that has the teenager smiling. He bites his tongue and looks away, and around him Karen and Hen laugh as they take pictures, and it’s awful because Buck shouldn’t care anymore but he’s never been good at not caring. 

Eddie laughs, and when Buck looks, he sees Jorge making a funny face for the camera. Eddie laughs, it sounds like he’s in love, and Buck feels so sick that he murmurs an excuse to Hen about needing to go to the bathroom before booking it straight over to the exit. 

It’s Bobby who finds him out there five minutes later laying against the brick wall. He settles against the wall beside Buck, and they don’t speak for what feels like hours. 

Bobby’s the one who breaks the silence. 

“Why are you out here, Buck?”

“I got lost going to the bathroom.”

“Buck.” He turns to look at Bobby, and bites his tongue hard enough to draw blood when Bobby catches his eye and looks straight at him. “What’s going on in that head of yours that has you running from the party you planned?”

And Buck could lie; he could say he’s not feeling well, that he’s got a migraine, that his leg’s been acting up, that he’s got vertigo, but everyone would see right through his lies. He’s never been good at lying, not to anyone else nor himself. 

He swallows the lies and pushes away the urge to run, and rasps out rawly, “This is torture, Bobby.”

“What is?”

“Love,” Buck confesses in a whisper, hands trembling as they come up to fist around the blue fabric of his shirt. “Love is torture.”

Bobby says nothing, but Buck sees the knowingness in his eyes and barrels on in anguish, “I’m so in love with him, Bobby. I feel it with every freaking breath I take and every beat my heart takes, and it hurts. My head hurts every time I think about how much I love him, my throat hurts every time I have to hold back from saying it, and my chest physically aches with how much of my heart he still holds.”

Eddie is his first thought when he wakes up in the morning and the last before he sees him in his dreams at night; he’s the ghost that Buck still chases through his apartment and the piece of his heart that’s been ripped out of his chest for months by his own volition. 

“Have you told him that?” Bobby asks, and Buck laughs bitterly. 

“Yeah, because that would change anything.” He shakes his head. “He’s taking pictures with the kid I love like my own and the boyfriend he’s been with longer than he was with me, and he’s happy. He’s happy and probably in love, and I don’t have a right to love him anymore. I lost it the day I told him we were over.”

Bobby sighs. “Buck.”

“I know,” Buck grits out, pressing his eyes shut. “It was a mistake to let him go. You don’t have to tell me that; Maddie’s done enough of that for the past five months.”

“It’s true that it was a mistake, but an even bigger one is not telling him how much you care about him. You two are an integral part of each other’s lives, both in and out of a relationship,” Bobby points out with a frown. “You’re going to spend the rest of your life regretting not knowing what could have happened if Eddie knew you loved him.”

“Bobby, he moved on,” Buck says helplessly. “ Everyone moved on, but I’m still here in the same position I put us in. I don’t even know what to do to stop loving him like this.”

“You’re never going to stop loving him,” Bobby says, eyes sad when they watch Buck grind his teeth. “That’s just not how love works.”

“Then what, I just hold all of it in my heart until it kills me?” Buck asks with an aching chest. It’ll be someday soon if I do, he doesn’t say. 

Bobby looks like he wants to say something else, but then Chimney appears around the corner with his hands in his pockets and a concerned look on his face. 

“Hey Buck, Christopher’s been looking for you. Something about a photo booth and tradition?”

Buck clears his throat and flashes him a weak smile. “I’ll be right there.” 

He nods at Bobby, but before he can walk away, Bobby places a hand on his shoulder to stop him. Buck turns, and Bobby says quietly, “Don’t keep hurting yourself, Buck. You deserve happiness too.”

And Buck doesn’t believe it; he’s never believed in putting his own happiness over those of the people he loves. He’ll fight and claw for Eddie’s love inside his mind and sit back and watch him fall in love with someone else, and it has to be fine because Eddie deserves to be happy after the shit Buck’s put him through. 

Still, he smiles weakly at Bobby and says, “Sure.” He walks back inside to look for Christopher at the photo booth with his best smile, and ignores the unreadable look Eddie shoots him from across the room still standing behind the cake with Jorge beside him, the candles long blown out. 

“Are you trying to drink yourself into an ethylic coma?”

Buck watches Eddie’s gaze flicker briefly to him, the shadows under his eyes prominent under the lighting of Bobby and Athena’s yard. There’s golden fairy lights twinkling above them and some fake snowflakes glittering silver between them, as well as the sound of people celebrating Christmas two weeks early and laughing behind those closed doors that Buck’s leaning against. 

Eddie looks away with his lips curled downwards into a deep frown. “I’m fine, Buck. It’s just a beer.”

“It’s your fifth tonight,” Buck says with raised brows. “That’s like, three more than you do when you have to drive. And you drank some wine earlier when Maddie offered you some.”

Eddie shoots him an irritated look, bottle halfway up to his lips. “What are you, a cop? I’ll just call an Uber or ask someone to drop us off. It’s not the end of the world that I’m drinking.”

But it’s not like you to do this, Buck wants to say, but he bites his tongues and holds back his concern because he’s not supposed to notice that Eddie’s been acting weird since Christopher’s party one month ago, nor that Jorge isn’t here with Eddie, nor that Eddie’s been drinking instead of talking and has refused to even stand next to him the entire evening. 

There’s so much that’s not right tonight, and Buck can’t pretend that he doesn’t care when Eddie’s excusing himself to drink by himself in the yard, like he and Buck didn't sneak off to do that at parties before they fucked everything up between them. They’re standing here, but Eddie’s miles away with an unopened sixth beer beside him and Buck —not for the first time in months— can’t read why Eddie’s reverted back to isolating himself from Buck. 

“I’m just worried, that’s all.”

Eddie scoffs, a bitter smile appearing on his face. “What? About me?”

“ Eddie. ”

Eddie shakes his head and sets his empty beer bottle down beside him and picks up the full one. “Go back inside, Buck.” 

It could be so easy to ignore this; he could march back inside like Eddie told him to do and drive him and Christopher home later because he’s only drank one beer. He could go back inside and forget that Eddie looks haunted in a way he hasn’t looked in ages, and it should be fine, but none of this is fine. 

Eddie’s hands fumble with the bottle as he opens it, and Buck grits his jaw before reaching out to grab the bottle. “Okay, I think that’s enough for you.”

“What the hell, Buck?” Eddie snaps, lunging forward clumsily to try and wrestle the bottle out of his grip. “Give it back!”

“You’re wasted, Eddie. You’ve gone past giggly drunk straight to mean drunk and you’re going to hate yourself in the morning for it.” Buck grunts when Eddie yanks on the bottle, making them both stumble around the yard. He snaps, “Seriously, stop! I’m not giving it back!”

“Screw you, man!”

“Eddie, stop!” The bottle is yanked straight out of Buck’s hand and he feels the beer drip onto his shoes before it splatters and stains Eddie’s red shirt all over his chest. 

Eddie stares in disbelief at his wet clothes, and Buck watches as that disbelief morphs into anger as he meets his gaze with storms brewing in his eyes. 

“You ruined my shirt.”

“It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t tried to pull the bottle out of my hand,” Buck shoots back defensively. 

Eddie inhales sharply and runs at his shirt with his hands. “Great, this is just great. Do you have fun ruining my shit all the time?”

Buck blinks, taken aback by his words. “Eddie–”

“No, screw you, ” Eddie snaps, pointing a finger in Buck’s face with his brows pinched together angrily. “Screw you and how you still follow me even though you did this to us!”

“Eddie,” Buck says a little desperately. He reaches out for him, but Eddie slaps his hand away and hisses, “Why the hell didn’t you tell me, Buck?”

“Tell you what?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about! Or maybe I should take us to the goddamn laser tag arena so you can spill that you love me to Bobby again!”

Buck freezes, and he feels his fingers and toes tingle as the blood seemingly stops circulating through his body. “I…Eddie, I…”

“I followed you out there, you know?” Eddie says, accusingly pointing the empty beer bottle in Buck’s face. “I followed you out there to drag you back inside to sing happy birthday to Christopher, and instead all I heard was you confessing your love for me months after you ended things!” 

“Eddie–”

Eddie runs his free hand through his hair, and the anger in his eyes morphs into heartbreak. “You never– I didn’t know that, Buck! I didn’t know you loved me!”

“What do you mean?” Buck demands, finally ungluing himself from the ground to step forward. “You had to have known!”

“If I had known that you loved me the way I loved you then I wouldn’t have let you walk away!” Eddie shouts, clawing at the stained fabric of his shirt. 

“I thought you knew!” Buck shouts in return, feeling his own heart splinter because how did Eddie not know? How did he not feel the beginning of forever in that first kiss? “From the moment we kissed in your kitchen, I thought you knew!”

“You walked away! You kissed me then you left me standing in the rain two months later like nothing ever mattered, so no, Buck! I didn’t know that you loved me!” Eddie snaps. 

“But I did!” Buck insists, body trembling, “I did, I do–!”

“Do you know how hard it was for me to let you go?” Eddie asks, eyes shining under the lights with unshed angry tears. “I spent weeks thinking that you might change your mind, that you’d come back and we’d be happy again, but you never came back. You kept going on with your life while I stood in that driveway waiting for you to do a fucking U-turn and come back to me!”

“Eddie, please– ”

“I’m happy now, Buck!” Eddie laughs hysterically. “I’m finally starting to move on from the mess you made me, and now you’re telling me that you still love me when I’ve moved on? What’s the point of it all, Buck?!”

“You weren’t supposed to find out!” Buck shouts, heart pounding in his chest and head roaring. “You weren’t– I wasn’t going to tell you because I know you’re happy now! I know it doesn’t matter anymore that I still feel this way and I just– It was a moment of weakness when I told Bobby that! You weren’t supposed to hear it!”

“But I did!” Eddie snaps. “I heard all of it, so tell me what the hell I’m supposed to do with it now!”

“Forget it? Keep it? I don’t know, Eddie!”

“You never know what you want! That’s the problem, you just decide to come back then walk away from everything we’ve been building for years like it’ll always be there!” Eddie breathes in sharply. “Well guess what, Buck? It doesn’t work that way!”

“Then I’m sorry!” Buck swallows the lump in his throat and harshly wipes the stray tear away from his eyes. “I’m sorry that I didn't tell you I loved you when we had a chance to make it work. I’m sorry you had to find out at all.”

“Don’t you dare run away from me, Buck!”

But Buck bolts for the door; he practically rips it open and is met with the various concerned faces of his friends and family. Glass isn’t soundproof; Maddie’s wide eyes and Chimney’s and Hen’s concerned eyes are proof of that, as is the way Bobby’s walking over to him with the same concern written all over his face, but Buck can’t stay here. 

“Evan?” 

“Buck–”

“I have to go,” he rasps out, and amidst the protests and hands that try to pull him back, he runs forward and doesn’t stop until he’s in his Jeep and up the road on his way to the loft with the same regret from early May killing him and wondering how the hell he’s still messing everything up even when their story is long over. 

He doesn’t sleep at all that night. 

Maddie knocks on his door at nine in the morning the next day and plops a giggly Jee-Yun in his arms without a word before making her way over to the kitchen. 

“Hi Uncle Buck!”

“Hi, Jee,” he says with an awkward smile. Closing the door, he turns around to face the kitchen. “Um. Maddie? Why are you here?”

“ I brought you breakfast,” Maddie says as she sets two breakfast wraps on the table. “And you, ” she continues, pointing at him with knowingness in her eyes, “are going to talk to me about what happened yesterday.”

Discomfort fills his bones. “Maddie–”

“Buck.” 

Buck sighs and sets Jee-Yun down, and the toddler takes off with giggles to play with the dollhouse and half-bald Barbies that live in his loft for her to play with. 

Setting his elbows on the kitchen island, he lets it carry the weight of his exhaustion. “So how much did you hear?”

Maddie clears her throat. “Athena heard you first. We were about to call the kids out for cake when she said she heard shouting from the yard, and when we looked we saw you two yelling at each other.”

“But you heard everything we said, right?” Maddie’s answering look is sympathetic, and he drops his head on the island with a weak laugh. “Of course you did.”

“Buck,” she says gently, “no one is judging you for what happened last night. We’re all just worried about you and Eddie.”

Buck scoffs and turns his head to flash his sister a wry grin. “Yeah, I don’t believe that. Come on, lay it on me. How mad are you that I never told Eddie I loved him until he was happy with someone else?”

“That’s not what I heard happened. From what I heard, you didn’t want him to know.” Disappointment fills Maddie’s eyes. “What are you doing, Buck?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why did you never tell him you loved him?”

“It was too soon.”

“You were together for two months. That’s not nothing.” Maddie frowns. “I never understood why you suddenly smiled so much and laughed more back then, but it was Eddie who made you glow in a way I’ve never seen you before. You loved him so much that you were glowing with it, so how is it possible that you never told him how much you loved him?”

“I didn’t…I thought he knew, Maddie,” he breathes with an ache in his chest. “I didn’t want to say it because it was so early and I didn’t want to scare him off in case he wasn’t there yet, but I put all my love into everything I did. Every breath, every coffee, every drive was done with all my love for him. I thought he knew !”

“How could he know if you never told him and let him go?” Maddie’s brown eyes swim with sadness. 

“He never said anything either until last night!” Buck shoots back, and that’s what’s been haunting all night; the knowing that they were in love the whole time and still ended up apart. “What am I supposed to do with it, Maddie?”

“I don’t know, Buck. I really don’t. But what I do know is that you and Eddie need to talk about this.”

“Isn’t that what we did yesterday?” Buck attempts to joke with a weak smile, but Maddie shoots him a look. 

“Yelling is not talking.” She breathes in, then sighs as she takes his hands in hers and squeezes them gently. “I may not understand what’s going on between you and Eddie, but I do know that there’s a lot more that you two still have to talk about. You’re still trying to pretend that you’re fine, but you’re not and neither is Eddie. You’ve both hurt each other enough without addressing it. Don’t keep hurting each other.”

Talking with Eddie is the last thing Buck wants to do; all he wants to do is mope and avoid him so he doesn’t have to accept the reality that maybe they’ve finally fucked things up for good. Eddie’s moved on and Buck’s still in love, so what more is there to talk about? What more can they say that they haven’t screamed at each other yet? 

“Talk to him before you lose him.”

He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. He doesn’t want to tell Eddie that he still loves him only to hear again that he’s moved on, because he’s always been good at clinging to things that are long gone. He doesn’t want to have to talk about his insecurities and the ugly truths with Eddie. But deep down, he knows he also doesn’t want to lose Eddie in any shape or form, so he’ll forcibly claw his heart out of his chest and tell himself over and over again that it’s over and force himself to move on, just to keep Eddie in his life. He’ll resign himself to being the world’s biggest idiot for the world’s biggest mistake committed, and it will be fine. 

He squeezes Maddie’s hands tightly and resigns himself to the inevitability that is an unrequited love that once was requited. 

It’s a week before Christmas and there’s light-up candy canes lined up in the grass along Eddie’s driveway and a wreath around the front door that Buck hasn’t seen in two weeks, though it feels longer than that. 

Buck’s been working the B-shift for the past week. He is not hiding or running away from what he needs to do. He’s just taking some time to put the convoluted feelings of his heart into words that won’t piss Eddie off or set them back into shouting and spilling beer everywhere. 

He is not hiding. If he were hiding, he wouldn’t be walking up to Eddie’s front door after his shift ends on Saturday night to bring Christmas presents over. 

Eddie’s home; he knows this because his car is parked in the driveway, though Buck doesn’t understand why. It’s been months since Eddie’s been home on Saturday night, always getting Buck to watch Christopher while he and Jorge go out. A sick feeling crawls up his throat that Jorge may be here instead, but it’s too late to turn back. If he leaves he’s not sure he’ll be able to come back. 

He prays that Jorge isn’t here but puts his best smile on anyway when he knocks on the door, preparing himself for the man to open the door. He’s imagining dumping the presents under the tree before leaving in a rush when the door opens, and Buck’s smile freezes when Eddie opens the door. 

Eddie stares at him, a small frown on his face. “You have keys.”

“I, ah, have my hands full.” Buck chuckles weakly and moves his arms a little to gesture at the pile of presents in his arms. “Can I…?”

Eddie wordlessly steps aside and Buck murmurs a ‘thanks’ before stepping inside. The door clicks shut behind him, but Buck ignores it in favor of carefully kneeling in front of the tree to set the presents down. He sets them down around the pile of other presents there, noting one in Christopher’s handwriting for him, and pushes back the image of Christmas morning with his head on Eddie’s shoulder, both contently watching Christopher open presents while pretending he doesn’t care. 

He clears his throat as he stands up, wincing when his knees pop. “Sorry about this. I promised Chris that I’d bring his presents over before my next shift. Hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“You’re not.” Eddie twists his lips to the side and glances around the room uncomfortably. Buck bites his tongue and opens his mouth to say goodbye, but Eddie beats him to it when he blurts out, “I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“It wasn’t fair for me to blow up at you like that.” Eddie sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I was just–”

“Hurt? Angry?” Buck huffs a little laugh out when Eddie makes a face.  “I’m not holding it against you.”

“Right. Still probably shouldn’t have done it at Bobby and Athena’s. Or while drunk.”

“Eddie, it’s fine.”

“It’s not.” Eddie sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I just– It just wasn’t fair of me to be so angry over it. Not when I never said anything back then, either. You didn’t deserve for me to yell at you like that.”

Buck clears his throat and flashes him a weak smile. “I think I did. I’m the one who started this and ended it. I’ve never been fair to you.”

Eddie’s eyes soften. “Buck–”

“I’m sorry you had to find out when you’ve already moved on. It was beyond stupid of me to break down like that, especially at Christopher’s party,” Buck says wryly. “I promise I’ll get over it. All that matters is that you’re happy after the hell I can’t seem to stop putting you through.”

Eddie frowns. “What are you talking about?” 

“That day we broke up, you said that you were tired of sitting in those hospital rooms with me.” When Eddie opens his mouth to interject, Buck holds a hand up. “I get it, Eddie. I’m sort of a mess and all I do is worry people. I guess I’ve just been thinking about how much I’ve put you through and how much I’ve made you hurt, even when we’re not together anymore. And I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry,” Eddie repeats slowly, brows furrowed.

“I’m sorry. I know it’ll never be enough to make up for how much of a disaster I turned us into, but I am. And I swear I’ll be supportive of whatever makes you happy for real this time, and you’ll never hear a word about me loving you again.”

“It’ll be that easy, huh?”

“I keep my promises.” Buck cracks a lopsided grin that hurts and shoves his hands into his pockets. “So if you need someone to watch over Christopher while you go out with Jorge, I’ll always be here.”

Eddie watches him for a minute, the look in his eyes unreadable. Buck simply smiles and prays his face doesn’t betray his heart. 

“Why do you do that?” Eddie settles on after a few moments of silence. 

Buck’s smile turns confused. “Do what?”

“That. Pretend like everything’s fine and like you’ll be supportive even though it’s hurting you.”

Buck feels like the floor’s been ripped out from under him at that. “I’m not–”

“Lying?” Eddie scoffs and shakes his head. “Buck, I’ve known you for six years now. There’s not a single thing about you that I don’t know, especially when it comes to lying. You’re horrible at it.”

“Hey now,” Buck frowns. 

“I don’t want you to pretend to be happy, Buck. I want you to actually be happy, so stop telling me that my happiness is the only thing that matters here.”

“Eddie, I don’t understand–”

“Jorge and I broke up.” 

Buck falls silent at that, his body rooting itself to the ground. There’s a thousand things he should say; I’m sorry, that’s awful, I knew you liked him, but all that echoes in his mind repeatedly and traitorously is they’re over, they’re over, they’re over.  

“Oh,” is all he manages to croak out. 

Eddie nods. “Yeah.”

“Wh–When?” Why?  

“Two hours before the Christmas party.” Buck sucks in a breath, and Eddie laughs humorlessly. “So yes, Buck. You were right. Something was wrong with me that night and I was drinking to drown my sorrows in it.”

“I’m sorry,” Buck finally manages to say, fingers curling into his thighs through the pocket fabric that separates them from his skin. “I know you liked him.”

Deep brown eyes stare into blue. “No you’re not.”

Buck goes speechless, unable to lie because he knows Eddie will see right through it; he’s right, of course he is. Buck’s drowning in the waves of love for Eddie that hit him day after day, night after night without stop. Of course he’s not sorry that Jorge is gone, of course his heart is beating quickly with hope, and of course he doesn’t say anything out of fear that he’s misreading everything again. 

“We had a fight before the party. He called to ask what to wear and then said I’d been distant since Christopher’s birthday and asked why. I said it was nothing.” He takes a step forward, his eyes still locked with Buck’s. His breath hitches. “It wasn’t nothing. He knew exactly what it was.”

“He heard you,” Eddie says with an unreadable look in his eyes. “Well, he heard what Chim told Hen, anyway. He put two and two together and realized I heard what you said too and we argued about it.”

Another step. “He asked me if I was still in love with you.” 

Eddie’s standing in front of him now; he can smell the coconut shampoo he left in Eddie’s shower back in April, can see the freckle under his left eye that he used to kiss every morning and can feel his touch even though they’re not touching. His heart’s pounding and his mind is racing thinking of what Eddie’s answer might have been, and it feels dangerous to hope for something that he might not get. 

Still, he breathes out, “What did you say?”

“I told him I was sorry.”

Buck’s lungs seize and he stops breathing. Outside, a car honks at someone and a dog barks and howls. The leaves fall off trees, the wind blows through blades of grass, the candy canes stacked along the driveway flicker, and the dying embers of hope in his chest revive in a blaze. 

It’s not much to go by; sorry could have meant nothing, but Buck knows with a certainty he didn’t know he could ever possess that it was a sorry that meant goodbye. It was a sorry that meant I’m sorry I couldn’t love you, I’m sorry this won’t work out, I’m sorry that I’m still in love with the man who I still call my best friend. 

And yet, Buck’s hesitant to let himself believe it because he’s never been this lucky in love before. When a goodbye is uttered and the chapter is closed, it’s never followed by the successful reopening of it. 

“But you…at the party–” He stumbles over his words, heart pounding so loud it almost drowns out his words. “At the party, y-you said you were happy. You told me you moved on.” 

“Because I was angry, Buck.” There’s a blaze in his eyes like the fires they fight for a living, hot and angry, but it doesn’t scare him away. “I loved you so much that it consumed every part of me. You started this ridiculous fire in me that I thought I’d never get to feel because you were always running from what we could be to other people. You made me love you in a way I’ve never loved anyone and then left me.”

“I thought it was for the best!” Buck argues, “I didn’t want you to worry about losing another person you cared about.” 

“And you thought breaking up with me was going to get me to stop? ” Eddie laughs hysterically, running a hand through his hair. 

“It was supposed to!”

“Well it didn’t!” Eddie breathes in deeply and says with pinched brows, “You just– you make me so mad in a way that no one’s ever made me feel. You make me think of things that I’ve never dared to entertain before in my life. You make me do stupid things like tell a perfectly good man who wants me that I’m sorry I can’t love him because I’ve been so pathetically in love with my best friend of six years and I can’t stop.”

Blood rushes to Buck’s cheeks as his heart begins to pump and his lungs begin to breathe once more, because the sky is blue, the grass is green, and against all odds Eddie is still in love with him.  

“You love me?”

“I tried so hard to not do it,” Eddie says, chest heaving as he breathes heavily. “I tried so hard to tell myself that I didn’t care about you leaving or hanging out with your ex-girlfriend or you still sticking around after everything, but then–” He shudders, “Then you told Bobby you loved me, and I realized I was stupid for ever thinking that I could pretend to not care.” 

“ Eddie, ” he breathes out, voice trembling. 

“I’m so tired of pretending, Buck. I’m so tired of being mad that you loved me and still tried making a decision for me by leaving and tired of telling myself that there’ll be someone else in my life who I’ll love as much as you when the truth is that the minute we first kissed in the kitchen, I knew I would only ever be yours.”

Tears prick the corners of Buck’s eyes, and he rasps, “I’m sorry, Eddie. I should’ve told you, I shouldn’t have run– I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“Tell me you’re still mine the way I’m still yours,” Eddie all but implores, desperation clear in his eyes. “Don’t let me fall alone again–”

“I’m yours,” Buck rushes out, fingers desperately curling into the thin green fabric of Eddie’s favorite henley. “I’m yours, I have been forever; yours, yours, only yours.”

Eddie’s hands come up to cup his face, his thumbs brushing across his flushed cheeks. “This is it for me, Buck. For us. Don’t run away from me again.”

“I won’t,” Buck promises fiercely, and Eddie’s resulting smile is blinding. “Never again.”

And when he says it, he means it because he's made mistakes over and over in his life, but he’s done making mistakes now. He’s done running from the love he’s clawed at forty feet of mud for, from the love he’s covered bullet wounds for, from the love he’s patched broken walls for, from the love he’s pulled out of crushed cars, from the love that he’s been searching for years in other people and the love he’s been given on a silver platter after throwing it away the first time. 

Eddie’s in love with Buck, Buck’s in love with Eddie, and they’re here again in a house that he wants to call home for the rest of his life and knows he can if he fights day after day to keep it. He’s given Eddie up before, and he won’t do it again because out of the multitude of mistakes he’s made, loving Eddie is the only thing he knows he got right. 

“ Buck, ” Eddie breathes, his voice curling around the word with such familiarity and love that knocks the wind out of his lungs because he never thought he’d hear it again. “I can’t do the assumptions and play the not knowing game this time. Tell me–”

“I’m in love with you,” Buck says like it’s as easy as breathing, because it is. “I have been for years and will be for the rest of my life. You’re all I want and all I need to keep going, and I swear I’ll never let you go again.”

“Good,” Eddie breathes, then he’s pulling Buck in for a kiss that he eagerly returns with his body on fire and heart finally mended after months of being broken. 

Eddie kisses him like he’s a man who’s finally found water after looking for it in a desert and Buck kisses him like he’s a diver coming up for fresh air after being underwater for too long. It’s a welcome home kiss after being away for war for months, a continuation to an already open and closed chapter and a promise of endless tomorrows together. It’s a promise that Buck will be Eddie’s and Eddie will be Buck’s for the rest of their lives, and it’s everything Buck’s been searching for his entire life. 

“This is it,” Buck says in awe when they separate, his forehead pressed against Eddie’s. 

“This is it, sweetheart,” Eddie confirms, gently and sweetly kissing him again before continuing, “We’re going to make it.”

Buck’s lips split into a wide grin, and he pulls Eddie in for another kiss that Eddie laughs into. 

There’s fifteen gifts under the Christmas’s tree, the star is lopsided on the top, Eddie’s watch reads seven-fifteen at night, there’s water dripping from the leaky faucet in the kitchen that Buck never got around to fixing, and there's a novela playing softly on the TV behind them that Buck can’t understand. There’s bills on the coffee table and a half-drank cup of agua de jamaica beside them, and Buck’s books are stacked on the bookshelf in the corner of the living room that he and Christopher share. 

It’s another Saturday, technically the last before Christmas, but he and Eddie are here together once more like the story was meant to go, and for the first time since he made the mistake of walking away, Buck knows for sure they’ll make it. 

(In the morning, Buck will cook Eddie breakfast and they’ll make out until the eggs burn and they have to scramble to turn the smoke alarm off. Eddie will laugh at Buck’s pout then tell him that they can just go out for breakfast instead, and they’ll go on their first date since the last one seven months ago. Buck will pretend to not notice when Eddie steals his fries and Eddie will deny stealing them, and Eddie will pay because Buck drove them. 

They’ll pick up Christopher from his sleepover at a friend’s house together with their hands intertwined on the center console, and Christopher will breathe out an exhausted, “Thank god, I was worried you would never get back together again.” Eddie will go slack jawed and ask how he knew, and Buck will snort and listen to Christopher tell him that he’s thirteen so he knows everything. 

They’ll go to work on Monday and pretend nothing has changed until Ravi asks why Buck’s wearing too much concealer on his neck and Eddie chokes on his breakfast omelet. Bobby will mumble, “Finally,” and Hen and Chimney will demand answers about what happened to Jorge and Natalia like they’re relevant, and Eddie will say, “That’s not important anymore. What’s important is that we’re here for good this time.” Buck will look at him like he brought the stars down for him, and Chimney will gag while Hen furiously texts Karen the news. 

They’ll have dinner with Chimney and Maddie later that week and Maddie will cry and hug them both and congratulate them for figuring it all out. Chimney will say he guesses they’re cute and will crack a joke about Buck probably selling his loft before the year is over, and they’ll all laugh about it until Buck’s lease ends in March and he does sell it and moves in with Eddie. 

In July, Eddie will jokingly propose at a barbecue at Bobby and Athena’s with a Ring-Pop and Buck will kneel down and propose with an actual ring before telling Eddie that’s what the barbecue is for. Eddie will accept, Bobby will film it all while definitely not crying, and they’ll get married in December in the same venue Maddie and Chimney got married in and dance on the same dance floor they didn’t get to dance on together the last time they were there. 

But for now they simply kiss and take the other’s features in, committing them to memory and swaying in the house they’ve been making a home for years with the promise of thousands of tomorrows together ahead of them.)