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Chapter Text

Tommy blinked.

Tommy wasn’t usually a man of many words. He wasn’t usually asked much. He was usually the helicopter guy, the pilot. He wasn’t asked for advice. He wasn’t asking for anything from anyone.

Yet here he was.

Stepping out of his air ambulance after several patients were ushered or helped out to find a redheaded reporter shoving a microphone straight into his face. The woman groaned, pulling the microphone away from him. She turned back to her cameraman, gesturing as she said, “Take it from the top, we’re not going to have this man staring into the void as I ask questions.”

Tommy furrowed his brow.

“I do need to refuel so I can get back out there,” explained Tommy, as he turned his attention to Lucy and Melton who were seemingly hiding in the helicopter, “How did you even get permission to film on top of a hospital rooftop?”

The earthquake wasn’t a full-on disaster, but it was large enough to hit certain areas badly. Tommy knew there were more people who were on those trails that could be in bad spots after that earthquake. There were going to be calls left and right after an event like this, and Tommy would rather be prepared for the next call than play sacrificial lamb to the television gods.

“I have my ways,” said the redhead as she checked her hair.

She glanced over at Tommy and… proceeded to make Tommy’s own hair a little more presentable.

“You’re kind of cute,” she continued as she straightened up his uniform, “Got that whole chiseled jaw, cleft, body builder mystique to you.”

“I have a boyfriend,” said Tommy bluntly.

“I don’t date firefighters anymore,” shrugged the redhead, “Are we just saying random things about ourselves or will you let me conduct this interview?”

Tommy understood why Melton and Lucy were hiding. Tommy, a firefighter and pilot by trade, a six-foot-two man thick with muscle and tone, did not know how to escape this intense five-foot-four woman.

The redhead slapped Tommy on the chest as she said, “Don’t be so tense. Just speak from the heart and you’ll do fine. I’d like it if you could give me some information too, but if not, I do like a chase.”

She smiled in a way that should feel sweet but seemed to be asking Tommy to make this difficult. Tommy felt like a rabbit cornered by a fox.

She slapped Tommy’s hands.

“If you don’t know what to do with them, just put them in your pocket,” she whispered, and Tommy wasn’t sure if that was altruistic help or don’t look like an idiot while I interview you help, but Tommy would take the advice.

Tommy put his hands in his pockets as the cameraman counted them down.

“Hello, my name is Taylor Kelly for News Eight, your eyes on the ground,” said the woman – Taylor – straight at the camera, “After a magnitude five-point-four earthquake, the Hiking Club of the Girls Academic Leadership Academy: Dr. Michelle King School for STEM had been tossed off Inspiration Point onto a dangerous and unstable side of Echo Mountain. It was only due to the valor and bravery of great firefighters – and pilots like yourself – that every single one of those eighteen girls and their two teachers was able to be safely lifted out of a precarious and deadly situation. What is your name, sir, and what did you see out there?”

Tommy.

Could do this.

It should be a quick interview, right?

Hopefully, Lucy and Melton were filling the tank as he spoke to the reporter.

“I’m, uh, T – Tommy Kinard. I piloted one of the air ambulances,” said Tommy, feeling suddenly very hot and sweaty, “And, I, uh. I don’t want to say too much. Situations like this – victims of accidents should have a level of privacy, especially when many of them are minors. But I will say that all eighteen students and their two teachers did make it to hospitals, all of them. If you are a parent of one of these children, the school will contact you about their possible locations. We had to split them into two separate hospitals due to room on air ambulances, landing pads, and time. But all of them got to the hospitals alive.”

That felt good to at least give those parents. Tommy would imagine that most parents would feel distraught if their child were to be in such a situation. All he wanted to do was give them that good news, even if some of the kids did sustain some terrible injuries.

At least all of them made it to hospitals.

It would be up to the doctors now.

And maybe it was Tommy’s earnestness in wanting to tell those parents that their children were fine, but Taylor seemed to be taken off guard; for a moment, that feeling of a fish being hunted down by a shark gave way to a woman doing her job, perhaps – not expecting Tommy’s sincerity?

“Yeah. That’s – that’s good,” said Taylor, a little softer than she might have wanted to say her words, judging by how she looked a little frozen.

“Taylor, you have an important job. It’s good that you’re getting the word out,” Tommy started as he glanced over to see that Lucy and Melton were gesturing for Tommy to get back in; playing charades as if to tell him they refueled, “But there are other people who need help out there. People with families that need to know that they too were able to make it off the mountains that pepper our horizon. And I won’t say I’m the only one who can do this job, but I am needed out there. I apologize if that means cutting this a little shorter than you anticipated. But I do appreciate you highlighting the good in this situation – that those children made it off that mountainside.”

“Yes. That is good,” said Taylor, a little thrown by Tommy possibly – had Tommy taken control of this interview?

Tommy didn’t have much time to think about that. Tommy patted Taylor’s shoulder.

“Keep up the good work, Taylor Kelly,” Tommy said, his parting words before he got back onto the air ambulance, “Disasters like this – not everyone makes it. But hearing hopeful stories like this can help people hold on.”

Tommy left the interview behind him as he closed the air ambulance door, ready to focus on his job.

“That was – that was smooth,” whispered Melton as they all clamored into the front, buckling up.

“What? No, it wasn’t. I almost had a panic attack out there,” said Tommy, only relaxing when his hands held the controls of the air ambulance.

Tommy knew how to fly an air ambulance.

At least he could do that well.

Tommy breathed a sigh of relief as he swiftly brought them off the ground.

“What are you even talking about?” hissed Lucy as she ducked in her seat as if to hide from Taylor Kelly until they were far away from the hospital, “You went toe to toe with Taylor Kelly and came out on top. I can’t believe she let you off this easy – you know, she dated Buck before you.”

Tommy didn’t know what that had to do with anything.

“Oh, right,” said Tommy, thinking back to a few offhanded remarks Evan made about past lovers, “Evan talked about dating a reporter before me. And she wasn’t the last person Evan dated. The last person he dated before me was a death doula.”

“Why are you not terrified that she’s going to edit that in a way that would put you in a bad light?” asked Melton.

Tommy.

Hadn’t thought about that.

“Why would she do that?” asked Tommy, bewildered.

“Because she used to date Buck,” Lucy pointed out.

“Because she’s known for trying to push the most excitable angle to further her career,” Melton added.

Tommy frowned.

“I don’t see how it would be in her best interest to make me look bad,” said Tommy, hearing the chatter on the radio for their next destination, “She seemed – reasonable enough. I’m not even sure how she can give me a villain cut with what I gave her.”

Not that Tommy really remembered what he said.

But he was pretty sure it would be a hard feat.

“Let’s hope so,” said Lucy as she harnessed up, preparing for their next extraction.

*****

When Tommy finally brought the air ambulance back to Harbor Station, Tommy felt the exhaustion hitting him like a freight train. Even Lucy and Melton seemed too tired to even talk as they all fumbled their way out of the air ambulance, wobbling straight over to their lockers.

It had been a rough shift, filled with evacuations and rescues. Not everyone they answered they saved. It was going to be one of those shifts that stuck with Tommy for a long, long while.

Tommy yawned, pulling out his phone to see if anyone texted. He glanced down, his eyes widening as he saw the amount of individual texts he was getting.

MADDIE: Tommy are you okay?????????

HEN: Tommy, you did not just give an interview to TAYLOR KELLY did you?

MARISOL: Tommy you were on the news????

KAREN: Tommy, you weren’t just on On the Ground with Taylor Kelly, were you?

EDDIE: Tommy did you meet Taylor Kelly

HEN: You really do not want to give Taylor Kelly any ammo

MADDIE: Josh just sent me a clip of the news with you and Taylor Kelly

CHIMNEY: Tommy, you were on the news?

HEN: She will use it if given the opportunity

KAREN: I’m pretty sure I just saw you on it

MADDIE: Also, I think you went viral on TikTok

CHIMNEY: My babysitter – the kid from next door – she says there are several videos of you going around on TikTok

HEN: Trust me

CHRISTOPHER: My abuelita had the news on

MARISOL: Not that you can’t be on the news

MADDIE: I think you got off easy, but be careful with her, she really hurt Buck

CHIMNEY: She says most of them are ‘Thirst Traps’?

CHRISTOPHER: Was it weird to get interviewed by Buck’s ex?

KAREN: Surprised Taylor didn’t drag you into the ground tbh

CHRISTOPHER: She was always kind of intense whenever I saw her

EDDIE: Please tell me you didn’t let her interview you

MADDIE: Also, remember to tell me when you’re free so you, Evan, Chim, and I can have some dinner together, okay?

CHIMNEY: I’m not really sure what that means, but I think it’s a good thing?

CHRISTOPHER: Was she intense?

MARSOL: But dang

EDDIE: You know, you might tell her things are off the record, but she’ll use it if she wants to

CHIMNEY: Damn, just saw one of the TikToks

MARISOL: Didn’t expect you to be on On the Ground with Kelly Taylor

CHIMNEY: I think I get what a thirst trap means

And all those different conversations overlapping was overwhelming. Tommy barely knew if he could untangle them, let alone take any of them in. But through all the noise and chaos, he saw Evan’s texts.

EVAN: Hey

EVAN: Saw that Tay interviewed you

EVAN: I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen someone trip her up because of genuine honesty haha

EVAN: Today was probably rough, though

EVAN: I’ll pick you up, okay?

Tommy smiled at that. And Tommy texted Evan back.

TOMMY: It was rough

TOMMY: Thank you, I’d love for you to pick me up

Tommy heard the telltale ding of a cell phone… right outside the locker room. Tommy looked to the door, seeing Evan waiting there with a bouquet of flowers. Tommy’s smile grew wider.

“Sorry. Did I miss you as I was getting in?” asked Tommy, and he wasn’t sure how he had already changed, but he was glad that he could do that on autopilot.

Tommy glanced from side to side.

Gone were Lucy and Melton.

Only Tommy stood in the locker room before Evan joined him.

“You actually walked right past me,” laughed Evan, “But that’s okay. I knew I’d catch your attention soon enough.”

Evan handed Tommy his flowers. This vibrant, almost too loud bouquet that felt more like summer than spring. Tommy didn’t care. He loved it all the same.

He loved any flowers Evan gave him.

“I get it,” Tommy said to the flowers.

“Get what?” asked Evan curiously.

“Taylor Kelly. She’s just – all confidence. I see why you liked her.”

“Yeah, she was – she was confident. And driven. And maybe if we didn’t ruin a lot of trust with one another, we might have worked,” said Evan with a shrug, “But I don’t know. I’m happy with where my life took me from there.”

Tommy kissed Evan.

A little messily.

Losing his balance as he stumbled into Evan. Evan kissed away any apologies on Tommy’s lips, helping Tommy back to his feet.

“Yeah, I made the right call to pick you up,” said Evan as they began to walk hand in hand out of the locker room, “Your place or mine?”

And Tommy knew it was a bad plan.

Evan lived far away.

Tommy would have to wake up early the day after the next if he hung out at Evan’s place on his day off.

But Tommy wanted this.

He wanted to be with Evan. In his open loft. Somewhere Evan called home.

“Take me home,” mumbled Tommy.

“Always,” whispered Evan, bringing Tommy to his Jeep.

Evan opened the door for Tommy. He fussed as Tommy put his seatbelt on.

“I can get the seatbelt on by myself. It’s okay. I’m good. Thank you. I appreciate the care.”

Tommy glanced up at Evan, staring deeply into those eyes. Evan conceded, closing the door and walking around to buckle up on the driver’s side. Tommy relaxed as the car turned on. He could feel the heaviness of his eyelids.

“Sleep,” Evan whispered, the morning sun harsh as Evan pulled out from his parking spot, “You’re good. I’ve got you. Sleep.”

And Evan – Evan put on something that sounded good to sleep to. Was it – “Solsbury Hill” by Peter Gabriel?

Tommy felt himself drifting off to the light strumming of guitar, to Peter Gabriel crooning, “Grab your things, I’ve come to take you home.”

*****

Tommy yawned, stretching as he woke to the sound of cooking; to the smells of something sweet.

Warm.

Evan’s side of the bed was still warm.

“Evan?” croaked Tommy in a morning voice as he sat up in bed.

“Downstairs,” called Evan, “You like French Toast, right?”

Tommy laughed.

“Are there people who don’t?”

It was… the afternoon. So, Tommy had gotten a little sleep. He had remembered only vaguely how he got there; Evan gently nudging him awake and helping him out of the car, into an elevator, down the hall, into his apartment, and up the loft steps; something about needing a new place if he was going to have to help Tommy up his loft stairs after every hard shift.

Either that or a new workout routine.

They had crawled into bed and Tommy had been, once again, out like a light, if only for a few hours.

Tommy put on the shirt and jeans he had stripped off himself before crawling in earlier that day, joining Evan downstairs. Tommy heard muffled noises from Evan’s phone.

“Sorry, just looking at the news clip,” said Evan as he gestured at his phone, “It got way more traction than I thought it would. Do you want to – ?”

“See it? No,” yawned Tommy as he sat at Evan’s kitchen island, “I’m good.”

“You… don’t want to see it?”

Tommy shrugged.

“It can’t be that big of a deal.”

“You’re a big deal.”

Tommy.

Tommy couldn’t say he wasn’t anymore. He couldn’t say he was some guy. Because there, there was that worried look on Evan’s face. And it reminded Tommy that he needed to stop devaluing himself.

“I can be a big deal,” said Tommy, “I know that. But I was caught off guard. I’m really not sure if I gave her that good of answers. I barely remember what I said.”

Tommy didn’t want to watch himself fail to measure up on local news.

Tommy would much rather watch Evan in his adorable apron cooking French toast for their lunch. There was a seriousness to Evan’s cooking; a focus that Tommy really didn’t have himself. Evan poured his affection and tryhard effort into that French toast and Tommy could smell the results of that.

Evan cared so much.

About so many things.

And it hurt sometimes that it felt like, sometimes, Evan cared more about Tommy than Tommy himself. Tommy needed to step up. Because if Evan realized that, it would break Evan’s heart. And Tommy never wanted to break Evan’s heart.

Tommy needed to care about himself as much as Evan cared about him.

Evan placed the newly made French toast down onto a plate, washing his hands as he glanced Tommy’s way.

“I’m not going to tell you to watch it, but it’s – it’s out there. If you ever feel like watching it.”

“Maybe when the hype dies down,” said Tommy thoughtfully, “I heard there were thirst traps, whatever that is.”

“Thirst traps?” asked Evan, instantly straightening his back.

Evan turned off the stove, his eyes glued to his phone as he went on a typing spree.

Evan.

Just.

Stared.

And Tommy was pretty sure there were some small noises coming from the phone, maybe music turned extremely low. Evan was watching something. Probably the thirst traps.

“You know, I’m actually a little impressed that so many of these were made so quickly,” said Evan, his voice a little higher than usual, “Just, uh. Wow. You might want to private your Instagram, they’ve taken a few of your workout videos too.”

Tommy grimaced.

“Is that legal?” asked Tommy, confused as he went back upstairs to get his phone and make his Instagram private.

“Not sure. And surprisingly, not a lot of hate coming my way.”

“You would get hate from people posting thirst traps of me?”

That made Tommy much more concerned about this.

“Maybe – people can be dicks online. But no, when people noticed we were boyfriends, they just got. Um. Well, they got really weird about me too, apparently. Don’t worry, already privated my account. I think you have the right idea, let’s not be on the internet and see if this blows over.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” said Tommy as he pointed to the French toast, “Now, are we eating that or not?”

“Oh? Right. Yes. Lunch,” said Evan, placing the French Toast in front of Tommy before getting his own plate, “I will say, I find it hilarious that somehow Tay’s interview went so right that all this happened. I don’t think she realized she made you into the internet hottie of the day.”

“She did say that have ‘that whole chiseled jaw, cleft, body builder mystique to’ me.”

Evan puffed his chest, pleased to hear the assessment.

“You bet your ass you do. All the people I date are hot.”

Tommy laughed.

“Glad to be part of a very beautiful club, then.”

Evan leaned over the kitchen island and kissed Tommy; he tasted of maple syrup, powdered sugar, and French toast. Tommy savored it.

“Not as happy as I am to be dating you.”

Which was so much to say. Tommy didn’t know how to respond to that. How to react. He felt flustered as he went to cram his mouth with French toast.

Evan couldn’t just go around saying stuff like that. Yet here he was, smiling at the results of his words. There was a confidence in how he wiped off a little powdered sugar that must have been on the corner of Tommy’s lips with his thumb, licking the powdered sugar off his thumb.

Tommy swallowed hard.

“They should be making thirst traps of you,” mumbled Tommy, because whatever they were, they had to be close to what Evan just did.

“Oh don’t worry,” said Evan with a wink, “They weirdly already did.”

Right.

They found out about Evan.

Wait.

How many people knew they were dating now?

Tommy.

Tommy wasn’t going to worry about that. Evan didn’t seem all that worried. Maybe it would all be okay. This was all going to end quickly, if Tommy knew the attention span of the internet. There was always another spectacle around the corner to focus on. They would be fine. The way Evan was acting, Tommy felt like he could believe that.

So, Tommy focused on the good things in this moment.

French toast.

Adorable boyfriend.

An entire day off with his adorable boyfriend.

Yeah.

Tommy would be okay.

Chapter Text

Tommy stepped off the firetruck, and it was as if all the eyes at the Runyon Canyon’s Fun Run were on him. He and the rest of his coworkers were there on a call – a woman had collapsed and stumbled off the trail into the cactus-ridden canyon.

“Hi, uh,” said a guy, walking away from his friends, “You’re Fire Bae, right? Could I take a picture with you?”

Tommy froze for a second.

He felt like a frog, cut open and dissected on a tray for all to see. This had to be the fifth person this shift trying to get a photo with him. At least this one was actually asking. There had been several people who had taken photos, some with flash which felt dangerous since Tommy kind of needed his sight for his job.

Tommy shook his head.

“I’m sorry. I’m at work,” said Tommy, trying not to pay attention to the reaction of the guy.

Many people seemed okay to accept his “No” but some seemed strangely entitled to their photo with Tommy, hell, Tommy’s time. Tommy did his best not to look at anyone in the crowd as Tommy, Melton, and Lucy made their way to the scene. They all glanced down to where the woman was; stuck on cacti like a pin cushion.

“How far down does that look?” asked Lucy curiously as she and Melton began to secure a line for Tommy.

Tommy quickly got into the harness, prepping for his steep descent down as he eyeballed how far the woman was.

“A hundred feet? Maybe?” guessed Tommy as he latched himself to the line and grabbed the spine board, “I’ll be back up soon enough.”

Tommy closed his eyes.

He took a deep breath.

Cleared his mind.

Thought nothing about the audience that was watching him now, that he knew was watching him now. And he was careful; walked and climbed through shifting sand, around the random snake, and dodged cacti left and right. Tommy made his way down the steep incline toward where that poor woman fell. Because sure, Tommy was uncomfortable with all of this, but he would be damned if it impacted his work.

No matter how much Tommy felt as if he was going to crawl out of his own skin if he heard another snap of a photo his way, that woman down there needed him more than he needed to hide in some corner alone.

She was thoroughly lodged in the succulents she fell into; long spines went entirely through parts of her arms and legs. She was bleeding, the sand under her damp with the blood.

But she was breathing.

It was good she was breathing.

“Hello, ma’am,” Tommy said, but there was no response.

Not that Tommy expected one.

“Daddy!”

Tommy tried not to flinch. He glanced up at the sound despite knowing full well that it wasn’t going to help anything. He saw a group of people above taking video of him. Who did that when someone was clearly in distress?

“Hey!” Tommy yelled, calmly but firmly.

The people filming jumped. The person holding the phone dropped it, swearing as his phone fell into the canyon.

“Please don’t do that,” Tommy continued, “I don’t consent to being filmed. Also, this woman is unconscious and bleeding out. It’s very tasteless of you to film her in this state.”

Tommy kind of hoped they felt a little ashamed.

But then again.

Tommy didn’t care right now. He cared more about removing this woman from the cacti without pulling out the spines.

So, Tommy focused on that. He did his job.

Taking his time to make sure this woman was okay for transport.

*****

“Holy shit,” said Lucy as she scrolled through her phone, “You have a Vox article about you.”

Tommy blinked.

“Me?” asked Tommy confused.

“No, Melton – yes, you,” said Lucy as she shoved her phone Tommy’s way, “People are playing armchair detective about you, Taylor, and Buck.”

The Fire Bae Timeline: What You Need to Know About Tommy Kinard, Evan “Buck” Buckley, and Taylor Kelly Martin

Tommy’s blood ran cold.

“How do they know when I moved to Los Angeles?” asked Tommy, horrified.

Tommy hadn’t told anyone that. It had been by mere chance, really. It was just the place he landed when he decided to get his GED and join the military. He rarely talked about his military days. And scrolling through the timeline he –

He exed out of the Vox article, handing the phone back to Lucy.

“They shouldn’t speculate about why I was discharged.”

Tommy should have been in the army for six years. That was the contract. Six years of Tommy’s life for pilot training. For the ability to choose whatever airline he wanted to work at after.

That had been the plan.

To fly away from all the mess that was his life as a kid and to go to better places.

All he got was trauma.

All he got was being discharged early for “engaging in homosexual conduct”. Because Tommy had been an idiot. And trusted someone he shouldn’t. And was thrown under the bus. His presence created “an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability”.

Tommy didn’t have the connections the other man had.

Halfway through his six years, Tommy was discharged.

And it fucked him up a bit that they had hit the nail on the head on the why, but it fucked him up a little worse that they were guessing how he had been hit with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

“I’m not a celebrity, I’m just – I’m just a person,” said Tommy as he put his head in his hands, “I need to figure out how to ask the people running the article to take that all out, that doesn’t even have anything to do with anything.”

“The people on Twitter – sorry – X – and TikTok all seemed to be really hating on Taylor Kelly too,” said Lucy, wincing at whatever she was looking at, “They’re all making these theories about how she was trying to make you look bad to get back with Buck or something and how you totally knew that and were setting her up to fail in that interview.”

And okay.

Tommy couldn’t control a lot about what was happening.

But he could at least clear up his own perspective, and maybe ask people to end this madness. Tommy pulled out his phone and… made a video to share. A couple of days back, some other firefighter online – Firefox – had reached out saying that she could help Tommy with any of this if it got too out of hand.

Tommy went into Firefox’s Instagram DMs, hoping she was still up to help.

TOMMY: Hi. It’s Tommy. I’m sorry if this is weird, but I’m going to be making a video addressing what’s happening. Would it be okay if you post it? I don’t want to make my Instagram public or make a TikTok account.

MARJAN: Tommy!! Thanks for reaching back out. Of course. Send it over, and I’ll post it on my account. I have a wide audience, so maybe that will help get what you want to say about all of this out there. I’m sorry this has turned into a circus. I’ve been there

TOMMY: I’m sorry you’ve gone through something like this too. It’s not right

MARJAN: Yeah. The internet can be a great place, but sometimes, it really sucks

With the request out of the way, Tommy took a deep breath and… started to record.

“Hi. My name is Tommy Kinard, but for some reason, everyone keeps calling me Fire Bae?” Tommy said, still confused as to why people were calling him that, “I understand that people are reading my body language and my tone from the interview, and I wanted to clear a few things up. That day was a hard, long shift. I honestly did not even recognize Taylor Kelly as Evan’s ex until my shift ended because my mind wasn’t on that. My mind was on my job. And my job was hard that day. It was saving people in precarious locations on mountains. I have no ill will to Taylor. Evan doesn’t either. Please, stop harassing me on the street. Stop being cruel to Taylor online. And if the people at Vox are listening, could you please take down your article? It’s very unnecessary because there is no story. It was just two grown adults both trying to do their jobs. Nothing more. Nothing less. I hope that clears things up.”

Tommy sent the video to Marjan. Hopefully, this would help.

This would stop whatever was happening.

*****

Tommy wouldn’t say he usually felt weird meeting the ex of a boyfriend. Sometimes, that just happened. That was life. Tommy took things as they came, and for the most part, that turned out pretty okay for Tommy.

Tommy wasn’t sure if he was particularly excited, though, when he saw Taylor Kelly stomping her way just as Tommy’s firetruck pulled back into Harbor Station.

“That can’t be good,” said Melton, stating the obvious.

“I think I’m just going to hang out in the firetruck for a while,” said Lucy, clearly hiding from Taylor.

“Are you really that scared of Buck’s ex?” asked Melton curiously.

“Have you seen how she betrays friends for a good story? How’s she going to treat a woman who kissed her ex while they were still dating?” hissed Lucy, “I’m staying in the fucking truck.”

“I think she’s here for me, if that helps,” said Tommy as Taylor Kelly stared right at him, “I’ll, um. I’ll go talk to her.”

Tommy could do this.

He was a civil man.

Taylor Kelly was a professional.

They could be normal adults about all of this. At least, Tommy hoped that as he walked out of his firetruck, meeting Taylor Kelly outside.

“I apologize for how people are treating you online,” Tommy started upfront, “It isn’t right. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Taylor looked – confused by Tommy’s statement. She looked angry, but confused as to where to direct her anger.

“What are these mind games?” asked Taylor, exasperated, “What are you playing at? How did you even get Firefox to post your video – she’s got followers in the millions.”

Tommy.

Took a minute to process those words.

Tried to understand that mindset.

“Marjan reached out to me, firefighter to firefighter. She actually knows Evan – Evan had accidentally flirted with her friend TK during a wildfire in Texas? But she had offered to help, and I just wanted to clear up any doubts,” explained Tommy as best as he could, “I really didn’t know you were Evan’s ex, I wasn’t thinking about anything other than the earthquake. I was thinking about how many more people were going to die in the mountains if I didn’t get back out there.”

Taylor opened her mouth.

She closed it.

She screamed into her hands.

“I must look like such an asshole,” said Taylor, “Are you seriously like this?”

Tommy frowned.

“Like what?” asked Tommy, not sure what she meant.

She gestured at Tommy’s everything.

“You know – just – nice.”

“Did you think I was being insincere when I asked people not to attack you? Because I’ll post another video, I don’t think you should take the brunt of this for no reason.”

There was a hardness to Taylor Kelly; a layer of armor that she held in place. Tommy could understand wanting that. Having that ability to keep yourself safe. But having those walls up could make things worse too.

She took Tommy in and… her shoulders slouched.

“You actually mean that, don’t you?” asked Taylor.

There was a mix of abject curiosity and surreal realization in her eyes. As if seeing a dodo bird walking around, alive.

“Not everyone wants to hurt you,” said Tommy, “Sometimes, people can be good. They aren’t always. People can be monstrous. I know that too well. But I try to do good when I can.”

Whatever fight that was inside her and brought her to Tommy all but dissipated. She laughed.

“Fuck me. Buck really found a great guy,” said Taylor, “This is going to sound really shitty, but I’m still wrapping my mind around the fact that Buck’s dating a guy. I didn’t even realize – I didn’t see that at all. Some investigative reporter I am.”

Okay.

Well.

It wasn’t new for people to make someone’s sexuality about them. Tommy would rather her say this to him than Evan.

“He thought checking out the asses of hot guys was straight behavior, so it’s not like he knew back then,” Tommy said, making Taylor snort, “Thank you for telling me that and not Evan.”

If Tommy could shield Evan from any negative reactions to him coming out, even ones like this that would only chip away a touch at his confidence of being out, well, Tommy would do that for Evan. He could take anyone working through their feelings so that when they actually saw Evan, they wouldn’t do it in front of him.

Tommy could do that for Evan.

“Evan. I didn’t know anyone called him that.”

Tommy shrugged.

“It’s all I know him as. He introduced himself to me as Evan.”

“You really are different. I – I don’t know how. This just feels…” Taylor said as she gestured between the two of them, “I came here to yell at you. For bad reasons. Because I didn’t know who else to yell at. And I get that it’s wrong that I was doing that, but it felt like the only thing I could do. I’m – I’m sorry about that.”

“You didn’t really yell at me. So, I don’t think you need to apologize,” said Tommy, letting Taylor off easy.

It had been a rough few days for Tommy, and his attention had been supposedly “positive”. Tommy didn’t want to know what sort of negative attention Taylor was getting from all of this.

Taylor smiled at Tommy. Not that fake reporter smile in front of the cameras, but something more genuine.

“I hate this. Buck and I have the same type when it comes to guys.”

“I’m not sure if I’m that much like Evan.”

Tommy didn’t feel as handsome. He felt lumbering; he felt too big. He felt much too soft-spoken for his looks; much too dry-witted too. He felt like he took up all this space with nothing to show for it, and all he could do was try to prove that he was worth much of anything.

Tommy liked himself. Much more than he had in the past.

But when he thought of other people casting judgment on him, all Tommy could see were flaws.

“You’re confident. You’re caring. You’re an absolute beefcake,” said Taylor, which made Tommy laugh, “Most of all, you’re just… sweet. That’s the worst thing about this – I hate that you’re sweet.”

“I could try being a dick,” Tommy suggested, “I used to be very good at that when I was in the closet.”

“Smooth too. Buck’s lucky to have you.”

Tommy frowned.

“I’m not sure if he is. Not with the attention we’re getting right now.”

Tommy felt like he was pulling Evan down. It felt like all he was doing was getting Evan into a position where weird strangers were randomly taking photos of them or trying to cyberstalk them. It wasn’t right. Evan didn’t deserve that.

“No, this is – the internet’s fault, but I do have a little power to deal with some of this. Let me help. I’m already getting Vox to take down the article they did. Hopefully, I can get some friends to help me calm this down on my end.”

“I’m sorry again for all of this. You were only doing your job.”

“That’s all I’m ever doing,” she said, walking away from Tommy.

And Tommy wasn’t sure if what Taylor was going to do was going to help. But he really hoped so. Tommy felt the buzzing of his phone. He went to check it, seeing texts from Evan.

EVAN: Can we meet up later?

EVAN: Just had a terrible day at work

TOMMY: Of course

TOMMY: I’ll pick you up from work

Tommy sighed, putting his phone away. He really hoped that it wasn’t because of any more of this harassment they had been getting. Tommy walked back to the station, heading up to the kitchen where Melton and Lucy leaned on the counter eating power bars.

“Hey, would you two be able to cover for me for the last hour of the shift?” asked Tommy, “I really need to be there when Evan gets off work.”

“What? Of course,” said Lucy through a bite of her power bar, “You probably should have taken today off with all the attention you’re getting from random people.”

“We’ve got this covered. You go meet up with your boyfriend,” agreed Melton, “The captain had given you permission to take the day off, remember?”

Tommy did know that. But it still felt wrong to abandon his work, even when he was getting all this unwanted attention. Because it wasn’t about Tommy at the end of the day; it was about what Tommy could do for people in precarious positions.

Still.

Maybe it was okay that he was taking off early.

“Thank you,” said Tommy, making a beeline to the locker room.

*****

Tommy pulled up the 118, wondering if this was the right move.

Evan had gotten him flowers a lot.

It would be okay for Tommy to get Evan some too, right?

Or would that be too much? Would that be wrong for the situation? Did Evan even like flowers? Maybe Tommy should have asked. On a whim, he had run into a flower shop on the way and had asked for help making a bouquet. He probably should have just picked something up at the grocery store, but he had already walked into that shop and the young woman helping him had been so kind. She had made this elaborate bouquet for him and gave Tommy a small discount.

It was a giant bouquet, filled with orange ranunculus, white tulips, pink peonies, peach Juliet roses, and silver dollar eucalyptus, from what the young woman who made it described the bouquet as. It was a little unwieldy, and probably much too extravagant, but it was what Tommy got for Evan.

So, here Tommy was, walking into the 118 with flowers.

Tommy felt the eyes on him again in the firehouse, and that – that made Tommy more self-conscious than the strangers out on a call. Because some of the people here had worked with him before he left. Some of them hadn’t even known Tommy was gay.

And Tommy could hear the whispers.

Despite it being a better environment, not all of them were in Bobby’s circle of found family. Some of them were once part of Gerrard’s boy’s club. And Tommy could feel that in the low utterings as he took all of that in stride and made his way to the locker room.

Tommy knocked on the door as he peaked in and saw – Evan.

Midway through putting on his shirt.

Staring agape at Tommy as if he could finally relax now.

“Tommy?” asked Evan, and there, Tommy could hear the relief.

“Thank you, Buck, for answering my question about if you’d be up for doing pickup basketball again,” said Eddie dryly.

“Eddie, I’m pretty sure there was one reason he went last time,” said Chimney as he patted Eddie on the back, “Trust me. I was the basketball beard – Hey, Tommy.”

Tommy waved at Eddie and Chimney, who were already dressed.

“Hi. I’m here to pick up Evan,” said Tommy, and he wondered if the flowers were too much.

“You brought me flowers?” asked Evan, leaning onto his locker, his eyes transfixed on the bouquet.

“You get flowers for me all the time,” said Tommy, “Of course I’d get some for you.”

“And that’s our cue to leave,” said Chimney, walking out of the room with Eddie, “Always good to see you, Tommy.”

“You too,” said Tommy.

“See you at the pickup basketball game this week,” said Eddie, clapping Tommy’s shoulder before leaving Tommy and Evan alone.

Tommy walked over to Evan, leaning on the lockers too.

“You okay?” asked Tommy.

“Better with you here,” said Evan before he rushed Tommy, throwing Tommy into a surprise kiss.

And there was some desperation in there, or perhaps just impatience. Definitely relief. And something so close to love.

Could it be love?

Tommy laughed as he looked down at the bouquet.

“I’m so sorry,” said Evan as he looked at the crumpled bouquet, “I wrecked them.”

“Evan, you can do whatever you want with the flowers. They were a gift for you,” said Tommy, smiling down at the squashed bouquet before Evan pulled him back in for another whirlwind of a kiss.

*****

Tommy needed to give Evan his couch. There was something a little stiff and uncomfortable to the couch Evan had at the moment, and it wasn’t as if Tommy hosted people nearly as often as Evan did. Evan would make greater use of Tommy’s couch.

Tommy shifted, laying on the couch with Evan sprawled on top of him.

They didn’t quite completely fit on Evan’s couch; their legs dangled off. But they fit enough to where they could both relax there together; Evan’s arms wrapped around Tommy. Tommy rubbed Evan’s back. Evan’s head rested on his chest, the man exhausted.

“All night, we were out there searching for that baby,” Evan mumbled into Tommy’s shirt, “We would have stayed longer, but after hours of searching, we were called to help another person in distress in the area. The police were still out there when we left.”

Tommy couldn’t imagine it.

The thought of finding a car wreck with an empty baby seat. Knowing that baby was still out there. He didn’t want to imagine how the mother, now in the hospital, was feeling right now.

Tommy didn’t interrupt.

He didn’t give any thoughts.

He simply listened as Evan had told the entire harrowing tale.

“I feel like such a failure. How did we not find that baby?’ whispered Evan.

Tommy wouldn’t listen to that, though.

“You’re not a failure. You did everything you could.”

Evan let out a shaky exhale, his eyes misty.

“It doesn’t feel like I did.”

Ding.

Evan wiped his eyes before he reached down to his phone to look at a text.

“It’s Maddie,” Evan said.

He adjusted his position on Tommy; not quite sitting up, still firmly on top of Tommy, but in a better position to text back.

“She went to the hospital to check on the mother from the call,” mumbled Evan.

Tommy frowned.

Evan must have seen the frown because he added, “I know, she’s probably too close to this call. What happened to her with Doug… I was the one who found her in the woods. Bleeding out. I found her after she was forced to…”

Tommy held Evan tighter.

“I think you both might be a little too close to this,” murmured Tommy, because Tommy would always be honest with Evan, “But I understand why you want to help because of that.”

“I saw that driver, that woman covered in burns, and all I could think was, ‘That could have been Maddie,’” said Evan through a sob, “‘One wrong move and that could have been Maddie.’ Which I know isn’t fair and I know that the situation probably wasn’t the same, but I found myself in those woods in the snow again seeing my sister walk up to me with a stab wound. That went through my head and I can’t stop thinking about it. She didn’t have Jee back then and I feel terrible thinking that I was happy she didn’t have Jee back then. Because if Doug had hurt and almost killed Maddie that way, almost killed Chimney, what would he have done to Jee?”

Tommy couldn’t understand what they all went through. He was very sure Evan would never want Tommy to understand. Tommy didn’t want Evan stuck in that moment of time, thrown back into that trauma.

“I think we should visit Maddie, Chimney, and Jee tomorrow,” Tommy suggested as he pulled out his phone and started to text Howie, “Just – morning coffee. I’ll bring donuts. Or bagels. Or something. So you can see them. Know they’re all okay.”

TOMMY: Hey, would it be okay if Evan and I visited you all in the morning?

TOMMY: I’ll bring coffee and donuts

“You sure? I don’t want you to stay over if you have anything you’re doing tomorrow,” said Evan, “We’d have to wake up early and get there early since Chim and I have a shift.”

CHIMNEY: Yeah, I think that would be a good idea

CHIMNEY: Maddie needs support right now

CHIMNEY: I’m guessing your Buckley needs support too?

Tommy kissed the top of Evan’s head softly.

“Evan, I’m not going anywhere,” said Tommy, “I’m staying here tonight.”

TOMMY: He does. I’m sure you get what this is all dredging up

CHIMNEY: I was there, so yeah

CHIMNEY: We’ll see you two tomorrow

“Shit. I was supposed to make lasagna for our next date night,” mumbled Evan into Tommy’s shirt, now damp with tears.

“Don’t worry about that right now,” whispered Tommy, “We’ll have it another day.”

Tommy settled Evan in a better position, and Tommy could feel every shaky breath; every gasp of a sob. Tommy held Evan and hoped that someone would find that baby soon.

Chapter Text

“Oh,” said Howie as he watched Jee-Yun flip herself off Tommy over and over again, “So, that’s why she keeps asking me to do that.”

Tommy never would say that he knew what children wanted, but he was finding that making himself Jee-Yun’s very own personal jungle gym delighted the little girl.

“She’s very good at flipping,” Tommy offered as Jee-Yun giggled and fled to the donuts she realized Tommy had placed on the counter.

“Thank you for bringing Buck over,” said Chimney quietly, the two of them glancing over to the laughing Buckleys in the other room with their coffees.

Tommy hadn’t had a lot of opportunities to see Maddie and Evan together, mostly due to all of them having busy schedules more than anything else, but it was good to see the two siblings together. Tommy could see their connection; the strong bond of two people who had gone through too much together as kids and came out kind and caring despite it all.

“Yesterday was…” Tommy said, not particularly liking thinking back on how upset Evan had been, “He needed to see you all in one room, I think.”

Tommy shrugged as he made his way to the donuts and grabbed one. He yawned before taking a bite into one with strawberry icing. Tommy glanced to see Chimney looking… exhausted. Absolutely tired.

“How are you holding up?” asked Tommy.

“Me? I’m – ” Chimney started, before glancing Tommy’s way and thinking better, “Not particularly great. A lot of things are being dredged up because of that call. I – I was out for most of what happened. I couldn’t be there for Maddie when Doug… But I was there when he attacked. I remember the knife. Bleeding out and thinking I was going to die. I remember waking up and seeing what Doug had done to her, the surface damage. The haunted look in her eyes…”

Chimney took a long sip of coffee.

“She’s the one who remembers most of what happened. She thought I died. She thought she was going to die. Doug almost killed her. It’s a lot to feel again.”

Tommy nodded. He didn’t really have the words. He wasn’t part of this tragedy. It wasn’t his nightmare. He could listen. He could place a hand on Howie’s arm and give him a comforting touch; a connection to now, maybe.

“So, why Buck?”

Tommy laughed.

“What?” asked Tommy, caught off guard.

“You’ve got all the guys in the world, and you’re choosing that dork?” asked Chimney as he gestured to Evan behind them, a little offending in that playful way friends could be, “If you wanted me to set you up with someone, I’m actually a fantastic matchmaker. Ask Hen.”

That was how Hen met Karen? Tommy really needed to ask Karen more questions the next time he saw her.

“I like how earnest he is. He puts all of himself into everything he does,” said Tommy, and he couldn’t help but smile thinking about Evan, “I like that he’s an enormous dork, I think enormous dorks are actually underrated. I like the adorable birthmark he has over his eye and how he smiles at me. I don’t know. He makes me smile. I like making him smile.”

Tommy probably said too much; maybe he sounded too sentimental. Tommy nervously glanced over Chimney’s way, though, and only saw the man happy for him.

“Good. I’m glad Buck making a fool of himself on that basketball court was actually worth it in the end,” said Chimney, “I can’t believe I hadn’t seen that sooner. I’m usually much better at catching when someone has a crush.”

“To be fair, I have a lot of experience hiding a crush,” said Tommy before he finished off his donut.

Not to say that Tommy felt particularly good at hiding the fact that he liked men, but if there was something Tommy was good at, it was realizing how he felt about a guy and pushing that feeling down until it was nonexistent. If Tommy could do anything well, it was that.

“But seriously, I’m glad you two found each other. You seem – I don’t know – more relaxed than I’ve ever seen you.”

Tommy sighed.

“It – it wasn’t you, but you know. When we hung out more. The environment we were in, I – ”

Tommy wiped his face.

“ – you know what it was like,” Tommy continued, “And even when I felt safer, I didn’t feel safe. And that’s – that’s unfair of me to say when you and Hen got so much of the brunt of it. I’m sorry that I was so closed off back then.”

Chimney nodded, finishing off his coffee.

“Tommy, none of us were safe there. I’m glad we’re all in better places now.”

“With better people?” Tommy asked as he turned his gaze to Evan and Maddie talking with each other.

“Definitely better people,” said Chimney softly, “It’s hard to resist a Buckley, I guess.”

“It kind of is.”

Chimney looked at his phone.

“Okay, Buck! Time to go!”

Evan quickly hugged his sister before he pulled Jee into a big, swinging her around with tiny legs kicking, small voice squealing joyfully hug. He rushed over after setting Jee-Yun back down, meeting Tommy and Chimney in the kitchen.

This was Evan’s family. It was his sister Maddie, his niece Jee-Yun, and his brother-in-law Chimney.

And suddenly, sharply, dread crept in.

Tommy saw how out of place he was here.

He was just, what?

The boyfriend of a few months?

Why was Tommy even here?

They were all being too polite. They didn’t want to tell Tommy he didn’t belong. That he was making this less personal. That he wasn’t supposed to be there for these intimate moments of family.

Because he wasn’t family.

Tommy needed to remember he wasn’t family.

“I’ll – I’ll head home,” said Tommy, practically announced it as he felt that anxious, itchy feeling of other under his skin.

“What? No. Stay – I barely got to talk to you. Stay,” said Maddie as Jee rushed over and silently demanded more flips.

And.

And Tommy didn’t know what to do.

He let Jee flip off him a few more times. And conceded to Maddie’s request.

“Okay,” said Tommy simply, like maybe this was okay, that it wasn’t Tommy taking up unwanted time and space, “I have the day off. I can stay a while longer.”

“I’ll text you,” said Evan, kissing Tommy’s cheek before he grabbed his duffle.

“Come on, let’s go!” called Chimney, already out the door.

“Coming!” yelled Evan, rushing out to catch up with Chimney.

“So,” said Maddie as she walked over to the kitchen and picked up one of the chocolate iced donuts, “I heard you’re internet famous at the moment. What’s that like?”

“I don’t recommend it,” said Tommy, “But I did have a few interesting run-ins with Taylor Kelly, so that was an experience.”

Maddie snorted.

“I bet. That girl is – industrious,” Maddie said carefully.

“None of us are perfect,” said Tommy as he ruminated on the two chance encounters he had with the woman, “She wasn’t terrible. She’s a bit intense, but I… I get the appeal, even if she’s not my type.”

“I heard there were thirst traps?”

Tommy laughed.

“I never watched them, but Evan says a lot of them are surprisingly well-edited.”

“Yeah, I think Josh said that too.”

“Josh?”

“I need to introduce you to Josh. He’s great. If you’re hanging out around here more, you’re going to meet him eventually. He’s my best friend at work.”

“Hanging out here more?”

Tommy hadn’t meant to say it out loud. He wished he could have taken it back. Maddie furrowed her brow, her hand reaching out to Tommy’s as she said, “Oh, honey. You’re good for my brother. And my brother’s good for you. You’re definitely sticking around.”

Tommy didn’t know what to do with that.

He wasn’t sure if he was ever going to get used to people wanting him around like this. It felt surreal. It felt like he was going to wake up at any moment alone in his closet of a bedroom in that apartment he hated.

But it was clear.

Despite every part of Tommy screaming at him that this couldn’t be real, it was.

Tommy felt the warm roll of tears before he realized what was happening, what he was doing.

“Shi – shoot. Sorry,” said Tommy as he reminded himself there was a kid running around near them, wiping away the tears, “I don’t know why I’m crying.”

Tommy didn’t know how much Maddie knew about him. But there she was, pulling him into a hug. No questions, no words, just two arms holding him. Tommy hugged her back, not sure if he had messed this up.

Then he felt Jee-Yun join the hug.

And there were more tears running down Tommy’s face despite himself. Because he wasn’t used to this. This warm, settled feeling.

Home.

Was this what home was supposed to feel like? Was this what he had been chasing ever since he was a child in that sterile, white-carpeted house? Tommy didn’t know. But maybe this was it. He would like to think this might be that gossamer idea finally in his grasp, even if it was precariously so.

And maybe there was a new voice growing in his head. A small, soft voice.

You’re not messing this up.

Stop thinking that you’re messing this up.

Tommy wanted to believe that voice.

*****

Tommy stared wearily at the slow cooker, not sure if the smells he was getting from it were actually good.

He should have taken up Maddie’s offer and come back over to her place for dinner. He honestly should have. But he had stayed a few hours after Chim and Evan had left and he really didn’t want to bother her too much. There was probably a limit to how much people could take of him, no matter how much Evan seemed to just want to hang out with Tommy.

So, Tommy came home.

Even though it didn’t feel much like home anymore.

Though, had it ever felt like home before?

Tommy’s apartment had always been just that – an apartment. A place to sleep and hang out when he wasn’t at work, though, Tommy would say he had more of a habit of escaping to his garage than his actual apartment.

Maybe it was because Tommy had grown up in a place that was a facsimile of a home, but Tommy wasn’t sure if he even knew how to make a home. He picked a lot of the furniture out of practicality or it was on the side of the road and looked sturdy. He genuinely hated the closed layout of the apartment, especially how his room was set up.

He hadn’t really cared much about this before.

Possibly because Tommy hadn’t cared much about how he had treated himself.

But every time he found himself coming home to this place rather than Evan’s, it just felt worse. It felt like he was once again in a coffin of his own design. He was stuck in a sterile place because that was all he knew how to make.

And that was worrying.

Was Tommy happy to be at Evan’s place because Evan was there or was it because he just hated his own apartment so much?

Tommy closed his eyes and tried to think about Evan’s loft. He tried to imagine it without Evan – would he be okay with that place if it didn’t have Evan? And… and Tommy wouldn’t be.

There was an emptiness there too.

A strange, more industrial soullessness to the makeup of it which wasn’t Tommy’s style. Not that Tommy really knew what his “aesthetic” was, but it definitely wasn’t an industrial chic loft.

And yet, despite that, Tommy loved that place all the same. And maybe before he might have liked it for how open it was, but really it was Evan.

It had always been because Evan was there.

And how was Tommy supposed to recover from that? How was Tommy supposed to learn that the only thing that really made home a home was Evan Buckley when Tommy didn’t know if he could really be with Evan Buckley forever?

What was Tommy supposed to do with himself if this didn’t work out?

Which was why he couldn’t overstay his welcome at the Buckley-Han residence. He couldn’t oversaturate himself. He couldn’t be too clingy. He couldn’t make them not want him around. And sometimes, that would mean being stuck in this apartment that made Tommy feel absolutely numb.

Tommy heard his phone ding. He checked it, finding messages from Instagram.

Huh.

Tommy opened his phone to see that Marjan was checking up on him.

MARJAN: Hey, I saw that your video was doing great and wanted to see if you’ve been getting less harassment

MARJAN: How are you doing?

MARJAN: Also, I think that Taylor Kelly woman put out a video in a similar vein to yours, so good that you’re both on the same page

Tommy had been so worried about Evan and his trauma with the kidnapped baby that he hadn’t really been focusing on his own problems. But thinking back to getting the donuts and coffee before heading out to Howie and Maddie’s place… there didn’t seem to be a lot of people taking photos of him and Evan. And maybe that had been because it was extremely early, but he didn’t notice a lot of people noticing who he was on the drive home either.

Huh.

TOMMY: I think it did something

TOMMY: Things seem to be calming down, at least

MARJAN: That’s good! Tell me if you need any more help. I know this social media stuff can be really intimidating and I can give you a crash course. Honestly, you’d probably do well as a workout influencer

Tommy laughed, more out of panic at the idea than anything. No way in hell was Tommy ever going to try to get internet famous on purpose. This couldn’t be what his life was going to be, he wasn’t built for this.

TOMMY: I think I’ve had enough of internet fame, but thank you. I’ll reach out if I need any more help

MARJAN: Cool! And hit me up if you’re ever in Austin. Maybe not with your boyfriend, though, he was kind of weird to me last time I saw him tbh Also, TK says hi and he finds it kind of hilarious that the only three people he knows that your boy Evan hit on have been TKs

Tommy laughed. Tommy knew for a fact that not all the people Evan had hit on had been TKs, but… it was a little funny that three of them were.

TOMMY: Okay, that is a little weird haha Also, what did he do to you????

MARJAN: He just totally noticed me as Firefox and got a little stare-y

TOMMY: I don’t think you have to worry about that anymore

MARJAN: What? He’s just going to be staring at you now?

TOMMY: I’d like to think so

MARJAN: Yeah, definitely hit me up if you’re ever in Austin. You seem fun

TOMMY: Haha thanks!

Tommy closed the app, thinking about what made him feel at home. He found himself beginning to text Evan.

TOMMY: Hope you’re having a good day at work

TOMMY: I miss you

Which felt like Tommy was maybe overstepping. That was a little needy. No one liked needy. What was Tommy thinking?

Instantly, he got texts back.

EVAN: Miss you too

EVAN: Not a lot going on, but we’re getting called in to an accident

EVAN: I’ll talk to you later, okay?

Tommy smiled at that.

TOMMY: I’d love that

TOMMY: Good luck with the accident

Tommy turned off the slow cooker, giving up on whatever mess lay inside it. He sat down on his couch, probably the only good thing in his apartment, ordering himself some dinner.

*****

Marisol had a 1968 Mercedez-Benz California Coupé. It was all rounded corners, powder blue, roof all the way off it, and personality. It had to have been passed down to her by someone, Tommy just knew it. The miles on the car were through the roof and many of the parts inside were either specialty pieces ordered just for the car or practical compromises to maintain a reasonable cost of upkeep.

“You take really good care of this,” said Tommy; not surprised, simply a comment.

“I better. It was my abuela’s. I love this baby,” said Marisol as she tinkered with her car.

Much like Tommy’s own car, it wasn’t really built for family in mind. It was a two-person car, built compact and sporty; aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but not one she could use to pick up both Eddie and Christopher for a day out.

It made Tommy think about his own car.

Did he really want a car where only one other person could fit? Despite his own sentimentality toward his car, more and more, it felt like a problem that he would have to address sooner rather than later.

He liked the idea of being able to pick up Evan and Jee-Yun, or Evan and Christopher, or Evan and Eddie. He wanted to be able to have more people with him.

“You ever think about getting another car?” Tommy found himself asking without much thought.

Maybe he was asking himself more than Marisol.

Marisol laughed.

“No. I love this car. It fucking rocks,” said Marisol as she gestured at her admittedly cool ride, “Why? Are you thinking about it?”

Maybe Tommy was being weird; too forward; something. Maybe he was overthinking this. If Marisol, someone who had been dating a man with a child for at least a year, wasn’t thinking about changing up her ride, it would be weird for Tommy to think about that, right?

Still, Tommy found himself answering her question honestly.

“I – I want to be able to drive more people, I think. I don’t want to borrow Evan or Eddie’s car if I’m going out with more than Evan to some place or going on a road trip or something. I want – ”

People in his life?

The room for those people?

A life?

“ – I want more.”

Tommy felt uncomfortable with that confession. That was the kind of truth that would push people away. Marisol looked up from her car, smiling; this soft and kind smile.

“You can want more, Tommy,” she affirmed.

Tommy… allowed himself to smile at that. He wasn’t sure if he could respond to that verbally, but he nodded.

Tommy’s phone buzzed in his pocket.

“Speaking of wanting more,” said Tommy as he gazed down at Evan’s name on his phone, “I think I need to take this.”

“Hey. Don’t worry. Answer your boyfriend,” said Marisol as she wiped the grease off her hands, “I’m just about done here, anyway. I’ll be out of your hair by the time you’re done with the call. Thanks for letting me use your tools.”

“You’re welcome any time,” said Tommy as he walked out of his garage, answering the call, “This is Tommy.”

“Tommy.”

And it was a whisper. A soft sigh from Evan’s lips.

“Hey,” Evan continued, “Sorry I didn’t call sooner. I went right to bed after I came home.”

“It’s really not a problem, Evan,” said Tommy as he saw Marisol back out of his garage and drive off, “I don’t expect you to call me every day.”

“But I would like to.”

And that made Tommy’s brain stutter. It made Tommy lean on the side of his apartment complex, doing his best to comprehend that beautiful surprise punch to the gut.

Evan wanted to call him every day?

Tommy didn’t know if he could believe that. But Evan was telling him so, and he had to believe Evan, right? Could Tommy do that?

“You can call me whenever you’d like.”

Maybe that was a little too much. But Tommy could hear the smile in Evan’s voice as he said, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Tommy closed his eyes, listening to the background noise on the call. Evan was – he was cooking. That made Tommy’s mouth water, he hadn’t had a bad dinner with Evan yet. The man had put in the effort to learn how to cook and it really showed.

“Cooking?”

“Practicing,” said Evan as Tommy heard an oven door close, “Christopher’s coming over tonight and I wanted him to be my taste tester for something.”

“Christopher’s coming over? What does Eddie have tonight?”

Tommy couldn’t think of anything in particular Eddie would have tonight. After a lot of time with the man, Tommy had a general sense of the man’s schedule. Which was weird to realize, but maybe that happened sometimes when you became good friends with someone.

“Yeah. I think he has a date with Marisol tonight. It was a last-minute call.”

Huh.

Marisol hadn’t said anything about a date. Though, it wasn’t as if Marisol had to tell Tommy every single thing she was doing tonight. Still, it was weird to think that she had driven all the way down to Tommy’s side of Los Angeles only to have to speed home in traffic to try to get cleaned up in time for a date.

Maybe it was a surprise date?

Eddie really needed to get his act together with Marisol. Either that or have an honest conversation about how this wasn’t working.

“I hope the taste testing goes well.”

Evan laughed nervously.

“Me too.”

“How was work?”

“I found the baby kidnapper!”

Tommy ran into the stairs rather than walked up the stairs to his apartment.

“You what?”

“I mean, it was all Chim too – the guy was in that car crash we were responding to. You should have seen me tackle that asshole. Just like you showed me.”

Tommy laughed. A bit because he could imagine how excited Evan might have been after the fact. Partly because that was a little terrifying to hear; that Evan went toe to toe with a child kidnapper who almost killed a woman.

“I’m glad you could help. And – and I don’t mean this patronizingly or to tell you what to do. And I know that this is our job sometimes, that there’s a lot of danger that comes with our job. And you sound okay. And I’m glad you are, and it’s good that you helped. This has nothing to do with whether or not I think you can do your job or should do something like that if you need to. But – but be careful when you tackle dangerous people, please.”

That was probably annoying to say. Maybe Tommy crossed a line. But all he heard was the hitch of breath on the other end of the line.

A quiet, “Oh. Fuck. Yeah, no, I’ll be careful.”

Tommy hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath until he heard those words.

“Good,” said Tommy, a little lightheaded as he walked up to his apartment, “Thank you.”

“Of course.”

Like it was only natural for Evan to reassure Tommy.

“There was genuinely something wrong with that man. You know, he tried to walk away from the accident with the baby again? Without even letting us treat her? He threw the baby at us. The baby was in a car seat, but still, who does that? Who the fuck throws a baby?” continued Evan, his rage at the entire situation boiling over into his shaky voice, “That baby was lucky Chimney was ready to catch her. I just – I tunnel-visioned and before I knew it, I was tackling the man to the ground. He even had a woman in the back. In his trunk. Who does that?”

“Monsters,” said Tommy, “Monsters who can’t concede that they’re the problem.”

“I’m just glad that he’s caught now. Hopefully, he’ll pay for what he did. Or, if I’m being more realistic, some of what he did. Because the system is broken.”

That made Tommy wonder how much research Evan had done about Maddie’s situation before when she was trapped with Doug.

“Sorry. I called you to hear your voice and now all I’m doing is complaining.”

“What? Evan. I’m your boyfriend. I’m here for fun Evan and complaining over injustices Evan. I l – like both.”

Love.

Tommy had almost said love.

Evan didn’t seem to catch that, though as he let out a sigh.

“Thank you. I, uh. I don’t get to complain to a lot of people without them…”

Dismissing Evan?

“Anyway, thank you. And – ”

Tommy laughed as he heard the fire alarm go off.

“Shit.”

Tommy heard Evan place the phone down, rushing over to his oven. Tommy closed his eyes, seeing Evan in his kitchen with his apron on, looking down at a dish gone awry.

“Welp,” said Evan disappointedly, “I think I might need to order in tonight.”

Tommy snorted.

“So, even Evan Buckley can get a meal wrong?”

“I get a lot of meals wrong, you just don’t see it,” laughed Evan, “Behind the scenes magic. Maybe – maybe I can save this. Talk to you tomorrow?”

Tommy smiled.

“Yeah. Talk to you tomorrow,” Tommy said as Evan hung up.

Tommy looked around at his empty apartment, wondering if he should have asked if he could be there too. If he could hang out with Evan and Chris tonight. But that would probably be a weird ask. And Tommy didn’t want to push Evan away because he wanted to spend all his time with the man.

So, Tommy stayed in his sad apartment alone.

Chapter Text

“Tommy!” called Captain Mehta, waving from the other side of the court just as Tommy and Eddie arrived.

Tommy liked that he did basketball on the regular now. It was a nice addition to his life. There were people he knew there who said hi to him now. Captain Mehta was one of those people now, especially after how he helped during the wedding.

“Captain!” said Tommy, straightening up as he waved hello, “How are you doing? How’s the wife?”

“I keep telling you, it’s Jeshan on the court,” said Mehta as he went in for a hug, “Parminder is doing well. She sends her love. I keep telling you, she wants you and your boy to join us for dinner.”

“Again, not his boy,” said Eddie helpfully as Mehta nodded.

“I remember. You’re the friend,” said Mehta waving Eddie off, “How’s Evan?”

Tommy smiled softly, pulling out his phone.

“He’s helping out with his niece Jee today,” explained Tommy as he showed Mehta the photos of Evan and Jee-Yun at his loft, “He’s so good with her.”

Mehta smiled at the photos before handing the phone back.

“You know what Parminder would say about those?” asked Mehta as he leaned in close, “Husband material.”

Tommy laughed.

“I don’t know what Evan wants. I’m not pushing anything,” said Tommy softly, “Relationships are step by step.”

Mehta smiled.

“You’ll know when you know,” said Mehta as he began his trek back to his own friends, “I’ll stop bothering you and go back to the old men posse over there, but remember – we’re hoping to see you two at dinner soon.”

“Tell me again how you’re good friends with Captain Mehta?” asked Eddie, about as confused as the last time he saw Mehta.

Though, Eddie had been a little all over the place lately.

“Wedding. He helped me pull my romcom get to the wedding late moment. It was really kind of him,” Tommy explained again to Eddie, “Speaking of romance, how was your date?”

Eddie.

Froze.

“My what?” asked Eddie, and… why did Eddie look nervous?

That was weird.

“Evan said that you had a date last night. You dropped Christopher off at his place,” said Tommy, wondering if he wasn’t supposed to know about the date for some reason, “How was the date?”

Eddie relaxed. Which also felt extremely weird.

“Yeah, uh. It was good,” said Eddie as he dribbled their basketball, setting up his shot, “What, did you visit Buck last night or something? Buck didn’t say anything about that when I picked Chris up.”

Something about this discussion felt off. Why did that sound almost defensive? Maybe if Tommy had hung out, Tommy would understand, but he thought Eddie would know by now that Tommy was always upfront whenever he visited Evan when Chris was hanging out. Either Tommy or Evan always made sure it was okay for Tommy to be there. Tommy didn’t particularly like the implied accusation that he would be irresponsible when it came to Christopher.

And Eddie didn’t usually miss his first shot. It wasn’t as if Eddie got all his shots, but that was also strange.

“He called me before you dropped Christopher off,” said Tommy as he collected the basketball, “What’s up with you?”

Tommy set up his shot, getting the ball in the basket in one go. Eddie scoffed as he walked to pick up the ball. Eddie wiped his face with his hand, looking a little tired.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said it like that. Marisol is great. She’s good. I don’t think it helped that I had a shift that went over because we got a call right at the tail end of it and – and Chris’ school is the type of school that you need to be invited back to, it’s never a guarantee. And I believe in Christopher, I do. His grades have been great. It’s really stressful to have to wait for a letter in the mail, though, you know? And Abuela’s been having health problems, so… a lot of stuff is on my mind right now. But that doesn’t excuse how I said that, I’m sorry.”

Tommy walked over, giving Eddie a hug. He could hear the bounce of the basketball as Eddie dropped it, hugging Tommy back. Because what else could Tommy really do? He wasn’t in charge of the school. He wasn’t a doctor. He wasn’t anyone who could help Eddie with the big things.

But he could be there, at least.

“You know you don’t have to do this all on your own, right? Evan, me – we’re here for you if you need help.”

Eddie laughed sharply.

“Oh, I probably need more help than you think.”

“That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be there for you.”

If Tommy knew anything, Evan was always going to be there for his best friend. The Diazes were the world to Evan, another family that had brought him into the fold when his own family was so broken. And in a way, Tommy was maybe, possibly, like that too.

Tommy felt that way, at least.

Even if he wasn’t family family, even if he wasn’t as close as Evan, he really cared about Eddie and Christopher.

And there was this strange moment. This vulnerable, open look on Eddie’s face as if he was contemplating a truth; a broken thought that he would never usually say. Tommy only knew that look because he knew what it was like to be there.

Trapped with your own thoughts.

Feeling isolated.

But Tommy wasn’t the one.

He wasn’t the one Eddie was going to reach out to. Tommy could see it in Eddie’s hesitation. He could see it in the way Eddie closed up before slapping on a smile.

And that hurt a bit.

But Tommy wasn’t owed Eddie’s secrets. Eddie deserved to tell them to whoever he wanted to. And Tommy could be okay with that. Of course he was okay with that.

“I appreciate that,” Eddie said honestly as he went to grab their ball again, “But I really want to not think about everything and play some basketball.”

Eddie set up his shot. He swore as the ball bounced off the basket.

“Yeah. We can just play basketball.”

“I really am sorry about how I was acting earlier. It wasn’t you, it’s – I’m going through something. I shouldn’t have made you feel like that.”

“You’re good. We’re good.”

It wasn’t good. It kind of sucked. But people needed grace sometimes. Lord knew that Tommy needed grace in the past.

Eddie smiled, relieved.

“Thanks.”

“Thank me by warming up better so we can kick some ass on the court,” Tommy said, making Eddie laugh.

“Okay, okay. I’ll be better.”

Tommy went to pick up the basketball, hoping Eddie would talk to someone about what was going on with him.

*****

Tommy could hear something from outside. Someone – was someone playing music outside of the locker room?

“Who’s blasting hyperpop?” asked Melton, frowning.

“Hyper what?” asked Lucy, genuinely confused.

“360?” offered Melton.

Tommy and Lucy… both shook their heads.

“Charlie XCX?” Melton added.

“Didn’t she do that Boom Clap song?” Tommy said, remembering that playing in grocery stores.

“I need new friends,” Melton groaned as he grabbed his duffle.

“Aw, we’re friends?” asked Lucy, the three of them heading out of the locker room and walking outside to figure out where the music was coming from.

Parked right next to the firehouse at Harbor Station was the coupé, Marisol’s coupé. She was the one blasting the music. She turned toward Tommy way more dramatically than Tommy expected as she announced, “Get in, loser. We’re going day drinking.”

Tommy.

Hadn’t been expecting that as the reason for her being there either.

“It’s seven in the morning,” said Tommy.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” said Marisol with a shrug, “What? Do you have anything better to do?”

Tommy didn’t actually have much to do that day. And he had a good amount of sleep during his shift, surprisingly so.

“Day drinking. Day drinking. Day drinking. Day drinking,” Marisol started to chant quietly, then grew louder as Lucy and Melton joined her in the chanting.

“Fine, fine. Fuck it. Sure,” said Tommy as Lucy, Melton, and Marisol cheered.

“You have fun. Drink enough for the both of us,” said Lucy, slapping Tommy’s back as she headed to her car.

“What? Only me?” asked Tommy.

“She only has one seat in her car,” shrugged Melton, “And I told my boyfriend I’d do the grocery shopping this morning.”

“Let’s go, go, go – we’ll head to my place,” said Marisol giddily.

Tommy walked around to the other side of the car, stopping at the trunk to put his duffle in there. Tommy hopped into shotgun, buckling up as the song on the playlist changed.

“Oh, I love this one, I love it,” said Marisol, pulling out of Harbor station as she sang at the top of her lungs, “¿Por qué no supiste entender a mi corizón? Lo que había en él! ¿Por qué no tuviste el valor de ver quién soy? ¿Por qué no escuchas lo que está tan cerca de ti? Sólo el ruido de afuera y yo; Que estoy a un lado desaparezco para ti!”

Tommy probably could have let Marisol drive him all the way to her house without a word between them; just Marisol belting out songs to the wind. But he really couldn’t do that.

He needed to know what was up.

“Marisol, not that I don’t like hanging out with you, but is there a reason why we’re about to be day drinking?” asked Tommy curiously.

Not that Tommy wasn’t opposed to hanging out with Marisol, but they weren’t usually heading to Marisol’s house to day drink, even if it was a Friday morning.

Marisol slowed at a stop light, tapping her fingers to the beat of the song. She seemed unsure of how to react to that, her smile trained on her face.

“What? It’s the weekend. I’m not working today. You’re off. Why not?”

The light turned green and her car sped up a little too quickly, a kick to it that felt a little nervous.

“Sometimes you just need to blow off steam, you know?” Marisol continued, “Sometimes, you just need to hang out with a friend and drink and complain about your week. People do that all the time.”

Tommy supposed that sounded like something people would do. It wasn’t like he was usually part of those collective complaining sessions. He had been at the 118. For a while, it was him, Hen, Howie, and Sal hanging out at the bar once a week, complaining about one of the eight captains they had gone through between Gerrard and Nash.

Tommy had liked that.

He liked that community.

He liked being part of something.

He didn’t have that at the 217. Not that he didn’t like where he worked. People didn’t hang out outside of work. They were work friends, not friend friends. And Tommy was okay with that. He understood boundaries.

But he missed what he had with Hen, Chim, and Sal a lot.

“Makes sense. Sorry, I didn’t mean it as a slight or anything. I was curious,” said Tommy, feeling the wind on his face as Marisol surgically weaved through traffic, “I didn’t know that we were drinking buddies.”

“You might be surprised to hear that I don’t have a lot of friends,” Marisol said a little too honestly, a little too raw, “And, well. I like hanging out with you.”

“I don’t have a lot of friends either. So, I’m glad to be one of yours.”

Marisol cackled.

“Tommy, you’ve got so many friends.”

“I really don’t.”

Tommy seriously didn’t.

“Whatever. Keep telling yourself that,” said Marisol with a roll of her eyes, “Maybe you’ll keep hanging out with me if you do.”

That hurt. Tommy didn’t like that Marisol saw herself like that.

“Friends, no friends, I’d still be day drinking with you. I was kind of peer pressured into it, remember?”

Marisol snorted, her smile more genuine.

“True, true,” she said, the song changing to something energized, more chaotic, electronic, a pump-up song ridiculous in nature that Marisol couldn’t help but grin wildly at, “Fuck yes, I love this song – ”

She bobbed her head to the beat.

“Hey, you little piss baby; You think you’re so fucking cool? Huh? You think you’re so fucking tough? You talk a lotta big game for someone with such a small truck; Aw look at those arms; Your arms look so fucking cure, they look like lil’ cigarettes; I bet I could smoke you, I could roast you; And then you’d love it and you’d text me ‘I love you’; and then I’d fucking ghost you!”

Tommy laughed, surprised at the lyrics as they drove off to Marisol’s house.

*****

Marisol’s house was a nice place. A one-story home in a nice area a little away from the city proper; kind of far from where Eddie and Christopher lived. It was a newly renovated place with a lot of love put into it. Tommy could see why Marisol was hesitant to leave it.

Though, maybe part of Tommy’s love for the place came from how drunk he was right now. Marisol kept insisting on shot after shot after shot, laughing the whole way through until she began complaining.

Complaining about Eddie.

“You know my – my parents. They owned a discoteca for a little while,” said Marisol as she paced her living room, “I bet Eddie doesn’t know that.”

“Have you told Eddie that?” asked Tommy, and the room was spinning, the whole world was spinning, and he needed to sit down.

Lay down.

Yeah.

Tommy was just going to lie down on the floor right now.

“Maybe if he ever asked me questions about myself, he’d know. They had some of the best Tejana singers play there – they had Selena. Selena! Selena ate Micky D’s backstage at their discoteca,” Marisol exclaimed before taking another shot of tequila, “I bet Eddie doesn’t even know who Selena is.”

“I don’t know who Selena is.”

“You’re perfect. Shut up. Don’t say that.”

“Everyone has flaws, Marisol.”

“At least you own yours.”

Tommy wasn’t sure about that.

“I don’t know if I do,” Tommy whispered as he stared up at the ceiling, “This seriously used to be a popcorn ceiling? You did really well cleaning it up.”

“Thank you!” Marisol said, joining Tommy on the ground, “I’m very good at home renovation. I keep telling Eddie I can help him out with some things at his house – improve it for Christopher – and he’s always like ‘I can handle my house on my own, Marisol’. It’s so annoying.”

Tommy turned to Marisol, about to speak – when she handed him another shot.

Tommy shouldn’t take another shot.

Tommy drank the shot in one go as Marisol cheered him on.

“That’s terrible tequila,” Tommy reiterated.

“Cheapest I could find,” Marisol said proudly.

“Why are you dating a man you’re complaining about like this?”

Tommy was serious. He couldn’t fathom dating someone he was actively drinking about like this. It didn’t feel like a great idea, especially for his liver.

“What? You don’t complain about Buck ever?” asked Marisol, pouring herself another shot.

Tommy tried to put his hand on the shot glass, maybe slow Marisol down a bit. His hand missed by a mile and Marisol downed the drink.

“Not until I’m drunk.”

Because sure, everyone had flaws. There were things he could complain about when it came to Evan. He didn’t like the way Evan sometimes clicked his pens a million times when he was thinking. Sometimes, Evan’s octopus arms whacked him in the head at night because Evan moved a lot in his sleep.

But there was nothing that would make Tommy want to drink away his feelings about Evan.

“This is normal,” Marisol said, straight-faced.

“I’m guessing Eddie didn’t watch Jigsaw with you?”

“Is that the Saw prequel?”

Tommy shook his head, pouring himself his own shot and downing it. The straights really weren’t okay.

“Never mind.”

“Motherfucking Selena!” Marisol yelled at the ceiling.

Should Tommy be feeling this way about Evan? All he wanted was to see Evan.

“I’m pathetic,” Tommy confessed, “I want to be with him all the time. It’s sad. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.”

Tommy felt Marisol shake him, the world spinning worse.

“What? No. You’re not. I wish I wanted to be around Eddie all the time. That’s so sweet.”

“It’s clingy.”

“It’s adorable.”

“Why don’t you want to be around Eddie all the time?” asked Tommy blinking at the spinning world, “Seriously, why are you with this man you don’t want to spend every day with? I feel like Nick and Honey visiting George and Martha for dinner every time I’m in a room with you and Eddie now. Well. I’m probably Honey. Evan knew Eddie first.”

“I don’t know what you’re referencing, babe.”

Tommy groaned.

“I feel like I’ve brought up Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? to both of you and this is what I hear – Evan would know it. He’d get what I’m talking about,” grumbled Tommy as he reached for his phone, “Gonna call him up.”

“Whatever, man. Call your boy. You don’t even know who Selena is.”

“Okay, touché,” Tommy conceded as he fumbled his phone password once before he finally unlocked it.

Marisol smiled smugly before she got up. She took another shot as she wobbled over to her surround sound system, typing up a storm on her phone as a song played throughout the living room.

“This. This is Selena,” said Marisol excitedly, humming along.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Tommy as he pressed Evan’s number and listened to the ringing.

Would Evan answer?

Tommy couldn’t remember if it was Evan’s day off too. Tommy wouldn’t blame Evan for not answering. Tommy wasn’t top priority. His question wasn’t top priority. Tommy shouldn’t ever be anyone’s top priority.

But still, miraculously, Tommy heard on the other side of the line, “Hello? Tommy?”

“Evan,” Tommy gushed, gushed.

It was always so good to hear his voice.

“Are you at a party in the middle of the day?”

“Oh, no. Uh, Marisol wanted to day drink, so I said yes,” Tommy explained, “You get what I say when I say Nick and Honey visiting George and Martha, right?”

“Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? Virginia Woolf? Virginia Woolf? Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? Ha ha ha ha – I know,” said Evan, not really putting much effort into the rendition of the big bad wolf melody of it, and maybe there was some worry there, “Are you okay?”

“Maybe. In a sense. I feel like I’m always ‘okay’, but you know, that’s more to make people feel better than myself. Hate being a problem for people.”

“You’re not a problem for people!” yelled Marisol drunkenly, stumbling back down to hug Tommy, “I can’t believe you’re so down on yourself, you’re always so confident.”

“She’s, uh. Drunk. We’re drunk. Real drunk. Sorry.”

“Does Evan know who Selena is? Ask him.”

“I’m not asking Evan that – sorry I called.”

“What? No. Call me. Of course you can call me,” said Evan, which was too polite, too kind, too much to offer, really.

“Oh,” Tommy laughed, “Oh, no. I – I can’t do that. I’d scare you off.”

“What?”

“Can’t call you every time I want to hear your voice. Can’t see you every time I have the urge to. It would be too much. I would be too much,” said Tommy as he listed off little silent rules out loud, “I won’t do that. I can’t pressure this. I don’t want you uncomfortable because of me. I can’t fuck this up. I love you too much. Just because I want more doesn’t mean you want more. I’m okay with this – I’m so okay with anything you can give me.”

There was a long silence.

Tommy didn’t know if he said something wrong.

He was about to apologize, but Evan interrupted him.

“I’m picking you up.”

“Picking me up when? Now?” asked Tommy, “I was kind of planning on sleeping on Marisol’s couch tonight.”

“Yes! Stay. Stay, Tommy,” said Marisol excitedly, “Haven’t had a sleepover since high school.”

“Never actually had a sleepover before.”

“All the more reason to stay.”

“No, I’m coming to pick you up. I want to talk with you in person.”

“Oh,” said Tommy, a little surprised by that, “Uh. Okay. You really don’t have to pick me up, Evan. I’ll be fine.”

Tommy was always fine. He never had to lean on anyone before.

“I’ll see you soon.”

“See you,” said Tommy as Evan disconnected the call.

Marisol booed.

“I wanted you to myself tonight,” huffed Marisol, “He can have you whenever.”

“I don’t know. I feel like I might be getting dumped.”

Because why else would Evan be picking him up? Wanting to talk to Tommy in person? Why else other than to dump Tommy?

Tommy winced.

“Fuck, did I tell him I love him?” groaned Tommy, feeling like an absolute fool.

Tommy had been so careful. Why had he let that slip?

“It was cute. You were cute. I can’t see him dumping you because you love him,” said Marisol, “The dude is all abandonment issues. I bet he’s picking you up to jump your bones or something. Ugh. Wish Eddie did that.”

“You know, I’m Eddie’s friend too, right?”

Marisol shushed Tommy.

“Not in my house you’re not.”

Tommy snickered.

“You two had a good date recently, though,” offered Tommy.

Because Eddie did seem happy at the basketball game.

“I don’t know. The last one was a little weird at the end.”

“Weird?”

“Yeah. Kind of. There was this moment when he, Christopher, and I were walking. We had just had ice cream and… I don’t know. He saw someone in a shop or something. It shook him up. Really made him unfocused for the rest of the date. He’s been so spacey since then. I’m worried whoever it was – I don’t know. Maybe it was someone from the military that he knew. Maybe someone from El Paso. Something’s been wrong ever since.”

Christopher?

Did Tommy mishear that?

But before he could ask, Tommy heard Marisol’s doorbell ring. Tommy sat up, but Marisol tried to drag Tommy back down to the ground.

“No. Maybe if we don’t answer, he’ll go away.”

Tommy raised an eyebrow.

“If we don’t answer, he’ll probably call 9-1-1 and break the door open to see if we’re okay,” said Tommy as he peeled Marisol off and got to his feet, “It was nice knowing you. Maybe we can see each other outside of all of this once he dumps me.”

“He’s not going to – why do you think he’s going to dump you?” asked Marisol as she scrambled to open the door first.

There.

There was Evan.

Dressed in workout clothes. Drenched in sweat. Looking a little frazzled, or maybe panicked. He was so beautiful like this. If Tommy was going to be dumped, he supposed being dumped by a sweaty hot guy wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

“Don’t dump him,” said Marisol, the words a little like slush in her mouth, “I need friends.”

Okay, now Evan looked actually panicked.

“What? No, I – I’m not going to – Tommy, that’s not why I’m here.”

Tommy relaxed.

“Oh,” said Tommy, “Well, that’s good.”

“That’s – come on, Tommy. I’m taking you home,” said Evan as he grabbed Tommy’s hand and pulled him through Marisol’s front door, “Have a good afternoon, Marisol.”

Marisol booed.

But Tommy wasn’t thinking about that.

He was thinking about how gently Evan held his hand as they walked to Evan’s Jeep. The way Evan helped him into the shotgun seat, making sure Tommy was comfortable. He was thinking about Evan never really letting go of Tommy unless it was absolutely necessary to do so.

Tommy couldn’t help but watch Evan, amazed at this man who would do this for him. Who would treat him like he needed this help. Like Tommy hadn’t pulled himself up all on his own every time before this.

People didn’t look at a big man like Tommy and think he needed to be cared for like this. Even as Evan drove, he had pulled Tommy’s hand over to the stick shift and laced their fingers together, moving the shift with Tommy’s hand under his.

Tommy couldn’t conceive why Evan would act this way.

“I’m sorry you drove all this way for me.”

“Stop that, stop – ” Evan started, pulling them over into a parking lot before turning to face Tommy, “Of course I’d want to drive all the way to Canoga Park for you.”

“Of course?” echoed Tommy as he furrowed his brow.

“Of course,” said Evan, sounding utterly exhausted as he let go of Tommy’s hand and held Tommy’s face, “Tommy, I want to call you all the time. I want to see you all the time. I’m too much too.”

Tommy couldn’t breathe.

He wasn’t sure if this was real.

It felt real.

“You do?” asked Tommy, stunned, “You are?”

Evan laughed.

Tired.

And a little exasperated.

Evan kissed Tommy. It was long and needy and Tommy forgot where he was for a moment. Tommy gazed hazily at Evan, at his adorable smile.

“I’m the one who’s been chasing you this entire time, Tommy,” said Evan, a little annoyed, “I’m the one in love with you. Why the hell would you think I wouldn’t want any of that?”

Tommy.

Was an idiot.

Tommy was an idiot.

Tommy laughed.

“I don’t know,” said Tommy honestly, “I don’t expect anyone to love me back.”

“There was a party about that. You should know better by now,” said Evan as he wiped away a tear from the corner of Tommy’s eyes.

“It’s a process,” murmured Tommy.

Because it was. Tommy wasn’t sure how long it would take to believe that. To know that people did actually want him around now after a lifetime of people’s abject indifference.

“I’ll be here every day to remind you,” said Evan as he kissed Tommy on the forehead, “Now. Let’s get home. Maybe sober you up a bit. Why were you day drinking, anyway?”

The car pulled out of the parking lot, and Tommy smiled when he realized they were going home to Evan’s loft.

“Wasn’t my idea. Marisol wanted to day drink,” said Tommy with a shrug, “I just went along with her.”

“Just. Call me next time so I know I need to pick you up later,” mumbled Evan, “Give me time to get dressed.”

“I don’t know. I kind of love it when you’re all sweaty. It’s hot.”

“Oh, this is hot to you?”

“You in workout clothes is hot. Why do you think I did that Looney Tunes gulp when you joined us at the pickup game.”

“I didn’t see that.”

“I was embarrassing. I’m glad you didn’t notice.”

“We need to work out together more.”

“Oh, definitely. Maybe not today, though.”

Evan laughed.

“No, we’re just going to keep you hydrated and watch movies.”

Tommy loved that idea.

“Can we watch Love, Actually?”

“Of course,” said Evan, like he would always be willing to watch Tommy’s favorite movie out of season.

Tommy couldn’t help but grin.

“Of course,” Tommy said back, utterly infatuated with this man.

Chapter Text

Soft.

It was a soft bed.

Tommy knew this bed. It wasn’t his but was it – Evan’s?

Yes.

Tommy could feel Evan next to him. A long, muscular body not quite as tall as Tommy’s; his limbs sprawled over Tommy as if to weigh him down; to keep Tommy in place. Evan’s face pressed into Tommy’s shoulder, practically nuzzling Tommy in his sleep.

And that was nice for a moment.

Well.

Until his brain caught up with him being awake.

Tommy wouldn’t say that he woke up with hangovers often. He wasn’t usually placed in a position where he would get one, if Tommy was being honest. He had never been much of a partier when he was a kid. He hadn’t gone out for beers with the boys much when he was in the military. He only went out with the boy’s club of the firehouse when they felt guilty enough to invite him and Tommy was too starved for any semblance of friendship to say no. He liked going out with Hen, Chim, and Sal, but they never drank more than a pitcher of beer among the four of them.

Tommy could list off the times he had a hangover on one hand, this one included.

Tommy wasn’t sure if his head had ever hurt this much in his life, and Tommy had played football.

“Fuck,” breathed Tommy, wincing as he touched his head.

Evan grumbled, pulling himself closer to Tommy as he whispered, “Hey. No. Back to sleep.”

Tommy blearily opened his eyes, noticing how dark the room was.

Early morning?

Middle of the night?

Wait.

Tommy had work today.

“Work.”

His voice was rougher than usual, even when he just woke up. He tried to sit up, but Evan only shushed him, pulling him back down onto the bed. Evan yawned, cuddling close, and Tommy found himself unable to fight Evan’s want to keep him in bed. The headache wasn’t helping Tommy’s will to stand up either.

“Called in for you. No work tomorrow. Or I guess today – I can’t believe you haven’t taken any time off in two years. I’ve gotten hurt at least once a year for the past five years.”

Tommy would usually argue that he could still go to work, even in this state. But, the bed was warm. Evan was snuggling him. Tommy’s head ached. Tommy couldn’t find it in him to fight this.

So, he let himself relax back into bed.

Felt the smile on his shoulder.

“I never really had a reason to take a day off,” Tommy said honestly.

A little too honestly, the way Evan clung even tighter to him.

“Going to have more reasons now,” mumbled Evan, and Tommy could feel the words; how Evan’s lips moved on his shoulder.

“What? Like the raging headache I have?”

Evan snickered into Tommy’s neck.

“Maybe today, yes. But I don’t know. Holidays… hooky days… There are other reasons out there.”

Tommy hadn’t even thought of that. The idea of sleeping in with Evan just because. To take a weekend, or even a week off to go somewhere. Maybe somewhere close, like a trip to San Francisco. Perhaps Vegas, Tommy had some acquaintances there. He knew a gal in wine country too. Maybe somewhere far off like Spain or New Zealand. Maybe a small, cozy staycation, just them.

Tommy had that option now.

How bizarre.

How utterly exhilarating and surreal.

Tommy could have that with Evan. And Evan, if Tommy was lucky enough, would agree to do something like that with him.

“I would love that,” breathed Tommy, “Going somewhere with you.”

“Me too, Tommy,” yawned Evan into his skin, “But maybe sleep first, then think about that later?”

Tommy wasn’t going to argue with that logic.

Tommy curled up closer to Evan, settling into a new position as he closed his eyes. Tommy let himself drift asleep, tangled in Evan.

*****

“Wait? So, yesterday’s a little spotty for you?” asked Evan as he cleared his throat.

Tommy stretched as he found his way to Evan’s counter.

“Yeah. It’s weird. I’ve never really had a blackout before – not that this is a blackout, it’s just spotty, but I haven’t drunk so much that I’ve had spotty memory.”

Tommy could notice a nervousness to Evan; he was antsy. Tommy could see the way that Evan needed to keep his anxious hands moving, doing something; pour water into the coffee maker; turn it on; tap his fingers as he looked between Tommy and the coffee maker.

“What do you, uh. What do you remember?” asked Evan curiously.

Tommy rubbed the temples of his head. Evan sprang into action, making some sort of hangover cure, probably; a gross concoction that definitely had a raw egg in it. He slid the mystery drink Tommy’s way hopefully.

Tommy, against his better judgment, drank the hangover cure.

It tasted about as bad as it looked.

“I remember, uh. I remember starting to drink,” said Tommy as he tried to build a framework of yesterday, “I think a few drinks in, there was a particularly bad choice where Marisol had gotten me to take a shot of Everclear with a chaser of whipped cream. That was when things started to get a little fuzzy.”

Just thinking about the Everclear made Tommy a little nauseous. He was definitely not drinking that again.

“Then – bits and pieces from there,” continued Tommy, sliding the empty glass back toward Evan, “Marisol was talking about a singer – Selena. I know you picked me up. We ordered pizza, watched a few movies. Things get a little clearer around the end of Love, Actually. Definitely remember all of 10 Things I Hate About You. The whole day isn’t spotty, but a good chunk of that afternoon is spotty.”

Evan’s face was strangely neutral.

Tommy wasn’t sure to make of that.

But whatever Evan was thinking about passed as he turned his attention fully to the coffee pot.

“That sucks. I’m sorry.”

Evan poured their cups of coffee, glancing Tommy’s way as if – waiting for more from Tommy. Maybe Tommy had said something weird. Done something strange. He hoped he hadn’t. It didn’t seem detrimental to his relationship, since Evan brought him back to the apartment and was still talking to him.

That was good, at least.

“Yeah. I’m not going to let Marisol convince me to do that again any time soon.”

“Why had she invited you to day drink, anyway?”

“Oh. Um. Eddie problems. I’m pretty sure I’ve told you this before, but the straights are not okay. They really aren’t. Could you imagine being in a relationship where you drank yourself spotty complaining about your guy? I could never. I’ve been in a lot of shitty situations, and I’ve had a lot of bad partners, but those partners also tended not to last. Mostly because I don’t entertain assholes.”

Tommy might not have always thought highly of himself, but he could at least say that – he wouldn’t stay in a relationship he didn’t like.

“So, you wouldn’t date someone you didn’t like?”

And there was a smile there.

And hidden question there not quite asked.

“Evan, I called off that date when you made a fool of yourself. You’re amazing, and I’m happy we tried again, but I wouldn’t be hanging out with you, sleeping in your bed, if you didn’t spark joy.”

Evan snorted.

“Who are you? Marie Kondo?”

“I wish. She seems to know what she’s doing.”

Evan leaned on his island counter, handing Tommy his coffee

“So… we have the whole day. What do you want to do?”

Tommy took a long sip of his coffee, contemplating what he wanted to do with this unexpected free day.

“I remember Eddie saying something about how you’ve been wanting to go go-karting.”

It had been ages ago. During some conversation before watching a fight. Some small, brief aside about Evan wanting to go go-karting. Tommy wasn’t sure why he had remembered that. It was such a brief footnote, but it clung to Tommy in his memories.

Evan perked up a bit.

“He told you about that?”

“I don’t know why he did. I don’t remember the context, but – would you still like to go go-karting? Some place out in the desert. I heard it’s supposed to be a blast.”

Evan ducked his head, hiding his wider smile behind his mug.

Was that blush?

Was Evan blushing?

“I’d love to,” Evan mumbled quietly into his coffee.

Tommy reached out a hand; placed it on top of Evan’s. They sat there in comfortable silence, drinking their coffee.

*****

At the edge of the Mojave desert, on a long stretch of driving filled with roadside attractions, sat the Fun Time Go-Kart Track and Arcade. It was a large swath of desert land surrounded by a neatly landscaped succulent garden. It had billboards down for miles on each side. It had a giant, twenty-foot-tall statue of a tyrannosaurus rex holding up its sign.

“So, they are real,” said Tommy, a little stunned as they both got out of Evan’s Jeep.

“What are real?” asked Evan curiously.

“Kitschy roadside attractions,” said Tommy with a grin, “Always wanted to go to one of these.”

Tommy had dreamed of going to a place like this.

He didn’t have a family who did road trips, or vacations together for that matter. He had only seen families go to places like this in movies and television and maybe eavesdropping on conversations as a kid.

He wasn’t sure if these places were real or some sort of front.

But now he knew.

They were real.

“I used to go to tourist traps all the time,” said Evan thoughtfully.

“You did?”

“Yeah. When I was traveling around. Before I settled in Los Angeles. Souvenir City, Bishop Castle, the Hammer Museum, the Winchester Mystery House, Leaning Tower of Niles, the World’s Largest Ball of Yarn, the Beer Can House, Dinosaur World and Land, the Enchanted Highway, several alligator zoos – I went to every weird attraction I saw. Alone. I, uh. I kind of wish I did some of that trip with someone else. Mostly just sent funny postcards from all the attractions to Maddie.”

“We should get a postcard for her from here, right?”

Evan smiled.

“Yeah. I – I think she’d like that.”

Without thinking, Tommy also offered, “And, if you – if you want to revisit any of those places, I’d go with you.”

It felt like it would be okay to put that out there. Evan had said he wished he hadn’t been there alone. And maybe, maybe it was okay that Tommy said it; brought that up. The way Evan lit up, the way he smiled.

Fuck.

The way Evan shyly stared at the ground, fiddling with his shirt as he mumbled, “I’d really love that, Tommy.”

Evan stuck out his hand; an ask in its own right.

How could Tommy refuse that?

Tommy took Evan’s hand. It felt like second nature – no, it felt like Tommy was always supposed to be reaching out for that hand; holding it. Tommy would never say that people were made for each other; relationships were built, not destined.

But Evan’s hand felt so perfect in Tommy’s.

Tommy hoped Evan felt the same.

Evan was staring down at their hands. He smiled giddily at it, as if he was still reeling over the fact that they could do this. That they were like this. That they could have this out in the open.

Tommy could understand that feeling far too well.

And this wasn’t the first time Tommy had held hands with a boyfriend outside.

This wasn’t the first time Tommy held hands with Evan outside.

But Tommy felt his heart squeeze at the sight of their hands; the feeling of seeing Evan’s wonderment. Tommy shouldn’t feel this emotional about holding hands, but he really was. He was so lost in this mere touch.

“Didn’t really expect go-karting to get so sentimental,” laughed Evan.

“I have a way of making things very romantic.”

Evan looked back up; locked eyes with Tommy; wanting and hopefully and somehow devastated all at once.

“You, uh. You kind of do.”

There were nerves in Evan’s voice; not tension, just – unexpected feelings taking him off guard too.

Tommy leaned in.

He closed the distance.

Soft lips on his own.

A slight touch of them, but still a kiss.

Tommy could feel Evan chasing his lips as Tommy finished the kiss. He saw the – lovesick – it was a lovesick look in Evan’s eyes as Tommy opened his own. Tommy couldn’t help but smile at that.

“What were we doing again?” asked Evan.

“Go-karts?”

“Right. Uh. Right. Go-karting. Let’s go go-karting,” said Evan, pulling Tommy past the giant tyrannosaurus rex statue and into the tourist trap before them.

*****

There was a freedom to something like go-karting.

Much like driving.

Much like flying.

There was a sense that Tommy, and only Tommy, could control the situation; move the vehicle however Tommy wanted it to move.

Tommy had heard about street racing. Back where he had lived as a child, he had thought about going to those races in back streets and country roads. Tommy had the precision. He had the dexterity. He had the ability.

Tommy hadn’t thought about that in a while.

That strange little dream he had tampered down when he was a teenager. Because Tommy had to be perfect back then. He couldn’t have a chink in the armor. He couldn’t do anything that would allow anyone to have dirt on him.

So, he never saw the races.

He never participated.

But go-karting?

He saw his talent there, crushing everyone in his path.

And okay, maybe Tommy should have gone a little easier on the people in the races, maybe even Evan, but it was hard to hold back when he felt so free out there; when it felt so good to let loose for a change.

“Wow, you are genuinely good at that,” said Evan, a little dazed and surprised.

Evan didn’t seem like a sore loser about it.

He seemed… to be staring at Tommy a lot? Maybe because Evan had boasted about his go-karting prowess only to be utterly defeated by Tommy.

There was an energy to Evan.

Like if Tommy made the right move right now, they might be finding themselves in the unisex bathroom of the Fun Time Go-Kart Track and Arcade. Probably not the best idea. But very tempting, nonetheless.

Despite the waves of want coming off Tommy’s boyfriend, Tommy instead opted for eating some probably subpar hotdog and fries from the food court at the tourist trap.

“You know, NASCAR was built on moonshine,” said Tommy as he picked up his hotdog, because sometimes, Tommy knew facts.

Tommy took a large bite of the hotdog and, god, there was something so good about a really terrible hotdog sometimes. There was a greasy, messy, probably horrible for Tommy decadence to eating a two-inch-thick hotdog with all the toppings.

Tommy glanced over at Evan and saw Evan just… staring at Tommy.

Eating his hotdog.

Tommy raised an eyebrow.

Evan sprang to life again, blinking quite a bit as he shifted in his seat and picked up a fry from his basket.

“Uh, really?” asked Evan, glancing between Tommy’s mouth and Tommy’s hotdog.

Huh.

“Yeah, moonshine drivers would vamp up their cars to beat the police that would try to arrest them. The first races were to earn respect more than anything; they were trying to prove that they’re family had the fastest getaway car. It evolved into NASCAR. Formula One and so many other races were built by rich men, but NASCAR was built on the elbow grease of punks trying to make a living selling illegal liquor with juiced-up cars. They’re very queer-friendly too.”

“I didn’t know that,” breathed Evan, his eyes still on Tommy’s lips, “Uh – any of that. I don’t really know much about cars? I’ve been good taking care of the Jeep on my own, but more because I had to learn than anything.”

“I can teach you. About cars.”

Tommy took another bite of his hotdog.

Evan dropped the fry in his hand.

Huh.

“I feel like if you keep teaching me things, we’re going to be in our eighties before I master anything.”

“If I can keep your attention that long, I’d love to.”

“Trust me, it won’t be hard to keep my attention. Not if it’s you.”

Tommy chuckled.

Tommy wasn’t sure if that was true. Evan felt like the kind of guy who could get anyone’s attention if he wanted to. Could Evan promise Tommy another month, another year, a decade? Tommy felt like it might be too soon for him to really offer that; commit to that.

Still.

It was a nice thought.

And despite Tommy’s genuine fear of giving into what had to be rose-colored glasses, he couldn’t help but want to believe what Evan just told him.

“If you say so,” said Tommy as he offered a fry to Evan.

Instead of Evan taking the fry, he leaned over and took a bite.

Oh.

Okay, Tommy saw why Evan was a little captivated by Tommy eating his hotdog.

“I’ll say it,” said Evan as he brushed some mustard off of the corner of Tommy’s mouth, licking the mustard off his thumb, “Until you believe it.”

Tommy didn’t know what to say to that.

So, Tommy kept eating his food, glancing over at Evan’s pleased smile every once and a while.

*****

It wasn’t quite sunset yet. No, the sun was still very much above the horizon. But it was close enough to that edge where the sky was transformed; a rainbow of oranges, pinks, reds, and purples that grew in vibrance with every passing moment.

They drove through the scenic Mojave Desert, the road ambling on before them as Tommy let Evan’s words wash over him.

Evan was a man filled with thoughts, opinions, and facts. And Tommy could listen to Evan forever. He really could. It was adorable how excited Evan got when he was allowed his soliloquy.

Tommy knew people didn’t let Evan talk often.

Tommy never got that.

Could they not see how handsome the man got when he gave a three-hour talk on the creation of the fajita?

Or, in this case, the history of firefighting in the United States?

“In sixteen-forty-eight, huh?” asked Tommy curiously.

“Yeah, sixteen-forty-eight. Peter Stuyvesant, governor of New Amsterdam at that time, appointed four fire wardens. Still, a lot of firefighting back then came about from bucket brigades, you know – people who volunteered on their own. Rattle Watch. Though, sixteen-seventy-eight was when the first fire engine company formed. That was headed by its first foreman, Thomas Atkins. But I suppose, the first formation of something closer to what we have today is the Union Fire Company that Benjamin Franklin created in Philadelphia around seventeen-thirty-six.”

Evan was beaming; he was practically lit up like the sun, getting to talk about this.

“Really?”

Who would withhold this joy from Evan? How could someone?

“But even then, none of those were public departments. Only private companies and volunteers chosen by communities dealt with fires until after the Civil War. Or maybe – around the time of the Civil War. Did you know Molly Williams was the first female firefighter in the United States? Well, the first recorded one. I’m sure there were women before. She became a firefighter officially in eighteen-eighteen.”

Who saw Evan act like this and thought it was annoying?

“I didn’t know that.”

Who wouldn’t want to watch Evan like this forever?

“Yeah, there was this giant blizzard where she was. And she joined the men fighting this fire in those dangerous conditions. But really, the first fully operated by career firefighters fire department didn’t happen until eighteen-fifty-three. Cincinnati. Though, it’s not like a lot of firehouses have ever been completely filled with full-time firefighters. Back in twenty-fifteen, they did a poll, and only thirty percent of people who fought fires weren’t volunteers – ”

Evan’s phone began ringing. Evan glanced over to Tommy, a silent ask, and Tommy checked Evan’s phone.

“Eddie’s calling.”

“Answer it. The call should connect to the car.”

Tommy answered the call and saw the phone link with the car.

“Buck! Hey, man,” Eddie said.

“Hey, Eddie,” said Evan, “With Tommy right now.”

“Hi, Eddie,” Tommy added, announcing his presence.

“Oh. Am I interrupting something?” asked Eddie, and Tommy wondered if that was a clue that Eddie was asking for a favor.

Evan glanced over to Tommy. Another silent question. Do we want to talk to Eddie?

Tommy shrugged.

He was never against talking to Eddie, but he was okay if Evan wasn’t in the mood.

“Nothing specifically,” said Evan, “What’s up?”

“Well, I was going to see if you were up for hanging out with Christopher for a bit while I go out on a date, but I’m sure Christopher would be happy to have you both around,” said Eddie hopefully.

There was a sense that Evan rarely said no to taking care of Christopher, if ever. It wasn’t an ask – it was an assumption that Evan would do it.

And on the one hand, Tommy understood why. Evan was close to Eddie and Christopher, very close. They were family. No one could say otherwise. Evan would do anything for that kid if he had the opportunity to do so, and Tommy got why. Christopher was an amazing kid.

But on the other hand, it felt strange that it was always an assumption. There wasn’t a consideration to Evan’s schedule. If Eddie asked Evan to jump for Eddie’s family, Evan would ask how high.

That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Again, Tommy loved that kid too, as well as Eddie.

But it didn’t feel particularly thoughtful to not make sure that Evan did have the time. And maybe that was selfish of Tommy to think about, but Tommy wished that Evan was taken into consideration too.

“Uh. When exactly do you need us to take care of Christopher?” asked Evan as he and Tommy both looked at the estimated time on the Jeep’s GPS.

Over an hour out of town because they went a scenic route.

“Well, when can you get here?” asked Eddie, a little confused.

Like Evan had never asked that before.

And, okay, Tommy felt a little bad about that. He didn’t like that he was the reason Evan wasn’t able to help out as quickly as Evan wanted to.

“If I take a few shortcuts… maybe an hour?” said Evan apologetically, “We went go-karting at that place I told you about and then sort of went on a drive as I talked Tommy’s ear off.”

“You didn’t talk my ear off, you told me about firefighting history. That was interesting. You’re interesting,” said Tommy softly.

“You don’t have to say that,” said Evan, “I know I can be a little… I talk too much, I get it.”

“Evan. I like when you talk.”

“This is really cute, but – does that mean you really can’t get here for another hour?” asked Eddie, not sounding miffed, but a little surprised.

“If we knew beforehand, we would have started driving back sooner on a quicker route,” Tommy said, because he knew Evan wouldn’t say that.

Evan took a deep breath before changing their route back to town to the quickest way to Eddie’s house from where they were. Tommy gave Evan’s shoulder a little rub as Evan took a right on the next turn.

“Fair. That’s fair,” sighed Eddie, “I think I can make that work.”

“What is it? Last minute date with Marisol?” asked Evan with a smile.

“Something like that, yeah,” said Eddie.

“Oh. Wait. Do you know who Selena is?” asked Tommy, remembering what Marisol had told him the day before.

“What? Like the singer?” asked Eddie, a little confused that the subject was brought up, “Yeah. I do. Who doesn’t know who Selena is? Tommy. Don’t tell me you don’t know Selena. Pobrecito, ¿por qué?”

“Selena? Like Gomez?” asked Evan, “She’s really good in Only Murders in the Building. Oh, and she’s bi in that – I looked up bi characters in television recently.”

Evan looked so proud of himself. Tommy didn’t know how to tell him he was talking parallel to them.

“You’re both uncultured and should be embarrassed,” said Eddie firmly.

“Hey,” said Evan, a little hurt as he caught that stray bullet.

“Ask Marisol about Selena,” said Tommy, really hoping that Eddie would take the tip, “She has a good story about Selena.”

“She’s got a story about Selena?” Eddie echoed, positively surprised, “How? Was she even alive when Selena was?”

The straights weren’t okay. And nothing seemed to help whenever Tommy tried to do something for them. But he could at least keep trying, for both Eddie and Marisol’s sakes.

“Eddie, you’ve been dating her for a year, not me,” said Tommy, a little exasperated.

“And I just learned she was once a nun,” said Eddie, and, okay, fair, neither of them were good at communication, “Well. An almost nun – you know what I mean.”

“I can’t help you anymore with this. Take what you will from that information,” said Tommy, because he felt like he did his friend part at this point.

“I’ll, uh. Keep that information in mind,” said Eddie, sounding distracted, “I’ll see you two in an hour.”

Eddie hung up as Evan went as fast as the speed limit allowed.

“Does he ask you to take care of Chris a lot?” asked Tommy curiously.

Evan shrugged.

“Not usually as often as he has recently. I’m sorry that this is cutting the date short.”

“Evan. This was an amazing date already. And I love hanging out with Christopher.”

“You love it, huh?”

And there was this knowing smile there.

Tommy wasn’t sure what that was about.

“He’s a great kid. I’m always going to be okay with taking care of him. I wish Eddie was a little timelier in asking for your help, but I’ll never say no to helping him out with Chris.”

Evan pulled over.

Tommy was going to ask why, but then Evan was kissing him speechless.

“I’ve never had a partner who said something like that.”

“Who doesn’t like Christopher?” Tommy asked, confused.

Possibly wanting names.

“No, I – I don’t think I’ve ever been comfortable bringing them around when I hang out with Chris. None of them ever seemed to get why I helped so much.”

“Why wouldn’t you? They’re family to you.”

Evan pulled Tommy back in for another crushing kiss; needy and excitable and maybe a little hands.

“I kind of want to do more to you. Like. A lot more to you. But getting to Eddie’s house is time-sensitive.”

“We’ll just put a pin in it. Save this for later. After taking care of Chris.”

Evan groaned but he pried himself off Tommy and turned his focus back to the road.

“Is it weird that you saying all of that is really sexy? God, why is you caring such a turn-on?”

Huh.

Tommy kind of loved that Evan reacted like that.

He really liked that Evan reacted like that.

But as Evan said, this wasn’t an opportune time for doing anything more than those two kisses.

“We can unpack that some other time. Don’t want to distract you while you’re driving.”

They would have time after hanging out with Christopher.

Chapter Text

Tommy wasn’t particularly great at video games. Tommy would blame it on the fact that he never had any friends with videogames that he was comfortable enough to go to their houses before; that his parents had never been the types to buy anything for Tommy other than the bare minimum to keep up appearances; that Tommy hadn’t had a lot of pocket change until he was well into his twenties.

Tommy hadn’t even thought about making video games a habit until Christopher.

But here Tommy was.

Getting his ass kicked by a newly-minted teenager.

“You are terrible at this,” said Christopher, winning once again.

“I never said I was good at these.”

“Maybe you need to get good, Tommy.”

Christopher was becoming smug; maybe almost impossible levels of smug. Tommy knew that at some point, he would have to stop Christopher before he became a monster, but Tommy really didn’t have the skills to do so.

Maybe Evan could play later?

Tommy felt like Evan probably could be a challenge to Chris.

“I’ll work on that,” said Tommy as he set himself up for more failure, “Another round?”

“Sure, but – ” Christopher started, looking from Tommy to the sounds of cooking in the kitchen before he whispered, “How’s it going?”

Tommy couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

“Oh? With Evan?”

“Buck seems so happy. But you know, it’s good to check on everyone. And I haven’t seen you much since the party Dad threw for you.”

Tommy frowned. Because Christopher was right. He hadn’t seen Christopher all that much since the Fuck You You’re Loved Party. Not that it had been a particularly long time, but Tommy still felt like he should explain himself.

“I’m so sorry about that. I’ve been…”

A little depressed despite my currently happy relationship?

Grabbing extra shifts here and there because Tommy felt suddenly alone when he was on his own?

Having trouble finding out what the perfect balance was supposed to be when it came to actually being a part of the lives of his new friends and boyfriend?

Unsure if he could even offer himself as a babysitter if Eddie didn’t ask?

Not sure how he fit into anything anymore?

“… I should have been better keeping up with you. I’m really sorry.”

“That’s fine. I don’t know how busy you are. I like seeing you when you can visit,” Christopher assured, and it felt a little worse that the teenager was being more mature about this than Tommy felt like he was being, “I’d like to see you more, but I get it. Anyone who comes back is honestly okay in my book. I just wanted to make sure you like being with Buck too.”

Tommy needed to see Christopher more.

He was going to make it a point to see Christopher more.

Tommy leaned closer as if to tell a secret. Christopher mirrored that, grinning; probably ready to hear about the success of his parent trapping.

How much should Tommy tell Christopher?

“I’m – I’m not used to stuff like this,” Tommy said, because he felt like being honest with Christopher would be, like for most of these new people and old people back in his life, probably the best policy; he was at that party, after all, “People caring about me. Friends. Loved ones. You’re a lucky kid, Chris. I, uh. Wasn’t very lucky. I won’t get into that. I’m not going to bore you with my life story. And I won’t say much about other people I’ve dated either, that would also be boring. But Evan? I don’t know. I’ve never had a relationship like this before. So, thank you for your part in setting us up. For your check, I am very good, especially with Evan in my life. And you. And your father. And Marisol. My life is better with all of you in it.”

Christopher looked pleased with that.

“I like you in my life too.”

Oh.

Tommy wasn’t sure if anyone had ever told him that.

Tommy took a deep breath, trying not to react too much to that realization. It helped when he heard a silent swear before he smelled something burning in the kitchen.

“You’re a good kid, Chris,” said Tommy, scruffing Christopher’s hair before he stood up, “I’m going to check on what that was.”

“This is going to be the third time Buck’s burnt that lasagna.”

Lasagna?

Tommy walked into the kitchen to find Evan staring at a burnt tray of something. He almost looked defeated by the dish.

“Is this really the third time you’ve tried to make my lasagna?” asked Tommy.

Evan jumped.

He looked adorable in Eddie’s apron. Though, Tommy supposed Evan looked adorable whatever he wore. He also looked as if he was caught at the scene of a crime. Maybe he was – whatever that was was a food crime. Which was strange, because Evan was genuinely good at cooking.

“Fourth time, actually,” confessed Evan, looking a little embarrassed, “The second time I tried to make this, it was both under and overcooked. I’m not actually sure what I’m doing wrong.”

Tommy inspected the mess which was his own lasagna recipe and Tommy wasn’t even sure what happened.

“I did tell you I didn’t have an exact recipe.”

“I know. But I want to make it for you. I don’t know why I can’t get this right.”

Tommy put his arm around Evan. Evan sighed, resting his head on Tommy’s shoulder.

“I’ll show you how to make it.”

“What?” asked Evan, glancing up at Tommy, “You don’t have to do that.”

“Oh, no. Not now – we can have a separate date for that,” said Tommy, thinking about what they could do before he pulled out his phone, “I actually have a different way I feel I can impress you and Christopher, though… let me check with Eddie if it would be okay.”

TOMMY: Hey, so

TOMMY: The dinner Evan made didn’t turn out right

TOMMY: I’d like to take Evan and Christopher somewhere

“What? You need to ask him if it’s okay?” asked Evan curiously.

TOMMY: Would it be okay if I take them on a quick helicopter ride?

TOMMY: There’s this woman in wine country who feeds me for free at her restaurant

TOMMY: Not that I’m going to let Chris drink, no. Just a nice place to eat

“Is it a helicopter thing?” asked Evan excitedly, “Are you going to take us somewhere on a helicopter?”

EDDIE: What??? You’re going to do a helicopter field trip without me??? Dang!

EDDIE: Yeah, totally! Y’all have fun!! Tell me about it when you get back

EDDIE: Wish I was going haha

“I am now,” said Tommy grinning as he pulled Evan along with him to the living room, “Hey, Chris. Would you like to go on a helicopter ride to get some dinner?”

Christopher’s eyes widened.

“Helicopter ride?”

*****

Tommy wouldn’t say that he always knew how to impress people. He didn’t always believe people when they said he was smooth. But Tommy knew at least that he could be cool in a helicopter. He could show people a good time when he flew them.

He could see as much in Evan and Christopher’s giddy expressions throughout the entire quick helicopter trip from Harbor Station to Napa Valley, to wine country, where Tommy landed the helicopter in a field next to a restaurant not quite well-known but rather known to those in the know, from how the chef described it.

It was a scenic locale; stretches of grapevines as far as the eye could see, with a few rustic buildings envisioned like French villas.

This was Vignoble.

Not necessarily an old vineyard by any standard, but they had already won a few awards for their wines and food.

And there, waiting for Tommy, was a woman Tommy saw about once a year. There was the chef of Vignoble, Sean Moran. She was a tall woman, about the same height as Tommy himself, with a harsh bob, the arms of a baker, and a welcoming grin. She waved at them as Tommy gracefully landed his helicopter.

“How do you even know this chef?” Evan asked as they all began to unbuckle and get out of the helicopter.

“Who cares? Tommy said she won a James Beard award,” said Christopher, who seemed to have his priorities straight.

“I help sometimes with CalFire. I mean, I haven’t in a while, but I used to do a month of CalFire when I started firefighting,” explained Tommy as he waved at Sean, “Met her during a fire. She’s great.”

“Tommy!” yelled Sean, running over to give him a bear hug, “Long time no see. I was surprised to hear from you, but hey. I always have a table for you.”

Sean turned to Evan and Christopher, beaming.

“You two must be Evan and Christopher! Tommy’s special guests. Lemme guess – boyfriend and boyfriend’s son?” Sean continued, pointing at Tommy's guests.

“Ah. Close. I’m the boyfriend, yes, but this is my best friend’s son. We were taking care of him while my friend was on a date when disaster hit in the kitchen. My fault, unfortunately,” Evan said before Sean pulled him into a big hug.

“Good to meet you,” said Sean before hugging Christopher too, “And you as well. Has Tommy told you both how I met him?”

“No,” said Evan, “What’s the story?”

“You really don’t have to,” said Tommy, “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It sounds more like a big deal when you say it’s not one,” said Christopher, “What’s the story?”

“So, you see, I was up near the Redwoods. Hiking. And rock-climbing. I hike. I climb. I’m an outdoorsy girl. I like it out in the wilds. I wasn’t thinking about danger. You usually don’t when you’re out there,” explained Sean as they all began the short trek to the closest villa where the restaurant was housed, “I’m going to this gorgeous view alone because my girlfriend had dumped me and I needed to be emotional and alone. I decided this was going to be the year. The year I climbed up this one cliff. So, I fall off a cliff.”

“You fell off a cliff?” echoed Christopher.

“Yeah. Be careful on hikes, kid,” said Sean, “You see, the first bad thing that happened was an earthquake. Not a big one, but enough of one that I was shaken off the cliff I was climbing up. So, I’m dangling there, my leg tangled and mangled in my ropes. And then the next bad sign happens.”

“Another bad sign?” exclaimed Christopher.

“Yeah – fire. There’s fire everywhere when I come to. The earthquake hit a campsite, and boom, a fire spread nearby and now it’s all around the cliff I’m on. I’m dangling from my broken, messed up, zigzagging leg. I’m upside down, so I don’t have a lot of time before I pass out. I don’t even remember if I managed to call 9-1-1 on my phone, but someone must have because there was my savior – ”

Sean pointed at Tommy.

“Not a savior,” said Tommy, “Doing my job.”

“He hung out of a helicopter by a rope and cut me out of my rock-climbing mess. When he got me up to the helicopter, it was his quick thinking that saved my leg,” said Sean, slapping her left leg which had a bit of a limp to it when she walked, “Wouldn’t have this without him. Even the doctors had to concede what he did gave them the time to save it. I would have died on that cliff without him.”

“Someone else would have saved you if it wasn’t me,” Tommy told her again.

“But it was still you. So, he eats free wherever I work. Forever,” said Sean, “There was actually news coverage on it. There was a documentarian who was nearby. Shot fantastic footage of the rescue.”

“F – Footage?” said Evan very casually as he pulled out his phone, “And if I were to look up this video of Tommy, it would be under… ?”

“You don’t need to tell him that,” said Tommy, because it was seriously just his job.

“No, you need to tell us what it’s called,” insisted Christopher.

“Last time I checked, it’s called ‘Acrobatic Helicopter Rescue for Rock-Climber on Cliff’. But it’s also part of a documentary called ‘The Forests of Fire’,” Sean happily told them as Evan immediately looked it up.

Tommy wasn’t going to watch himself save someone, but Evan, Sean, and Christopher sure were. Tommy didn’t listen to the video, but he could hear the reactions from the trio.

“Still gets me every time,” said Sean as she took a deep breath, “It was wild.”

“You do rescues like this all the time?” asked Evan, seeming impressed despite the fact that he was also a firefighter.

“I mostly pilot at the moment, but I’m trained to do rescues like that from helicopters,” explained Tommy, “Because that’s the job.”

“Yeah, but all your job stories sound like this,” said Christopher as Sean ushered Evan, Tommy, and Christopher into the Vignoble restaurant.

“Hey. Sometimes I’m just saving cats from trees,” countered Tommy, “I like saving cats too.”

It was empty.

Tommy hadn’t expected the restaurant to be empty.

“Is the restaurant closed tonight?” asked Tommy with a frown.

“Yeah, today’s the day off, but,” Sean started as she brought them through the French-style restaurant into the kitchen where she had set up a table on her own, “For Tommy Kinard here? You get to sit at the chef’s table.”

“So. Cool,” whispered Christopher to Tommy before walking over to his seat.

Sean classily helped him into his chair, along with Evan and even Tommy.

“You really didn’t have to open the restaurant just for us. I would have figured something out if I knew you weren’t open,” said Tommy, “I’m sorry I’m making you go through so much trouble.”

Sean turned to Evan as she said, “Your boyfriend sucks at taking gratitude when it comes his way, do you know that yet?”

Evan laughed.

“I’m starting to,” said Evan.

“Thank you for doing this all for me,” said Tommy, a little self-conscious about it.

“It’s not like you ask me to do this often,” said Sean with a shrug, “He comes here maybe once a year alone. When was the last time you brought someone else with you? Oh – that friend you had. Sal. Rough guy. Kind of an asshole. I like this one more, he’s cute. Reminds me of my husband. Beefy.”

Fuck.

Tommy forgot about that.

Evan raised an eyebrow, probably remembering Sal from that chance encounter.

“Who’s Sal?” asked Christopher, probably trying to be a good wingman and making sure Tommy wasn’t harboring any feelings.

“He was a friend. Closest thing I had to a best friend before your father, which – which wasn’t saying much. I had a really low bar back then,” explained Tommy, “To be honest, I had a crush on him for a bit, but you know. I grew as a person. Realized I deserved better. Outgrew the crush. Outgrew it long ago. I like where I’m at. I’m like who I’m with.”

Which was true. All true. And Evan, at least, seemed okay with that. From the look on Evan’s face, that might have confirmed a few things about that chance encounter they had with Sal. Evan placed his hand on Tommy’s, giving it a squeeze.

Tommy smiled at that.

“Good,” said Christopher, happy with that answer, “I like who you’re with too.”

Tommy laughed.

“Thanks for the Christopher stamp of approval,” said Tommy.

“It’s one of the best stamps of approval you can get,” said Evan with the biggest smile Tommy had ever seen.

“Good,” said Sean, reminding them all of her presence as something sizzled behind them in a pan, “Hopefully, I get your approval for this meal too, Christopher. It’s going to be off the menu, but Tommy gave all of your dietary restrictions, so we should be good.”

“I’m sure it will be amazing,” said Evan, still holding Tommy’s hand.

*****

There were lights on in Eddie’s house as Evan pulled his Jeep into the driveway. Good. Eddie must be back home from his date. Tommy could hear Christopher yawning in the backseat.

“Sorry it took so long to get back home,” yawned Tommy, the yawning contagious because Evan followed suit.

It wasn’t a particularly long flight back, but it had been a pretty long dinner due to Sean adding dish after dish for them. And while the flight wasn’t long long, it was still long enough to be an inconvenience, especially when they had to drive all the way from Harbor Station back to Eddie’s home.

“What are you even talking about? That was great! Your friend was such a good chef,” said Christopher as they all got out of the car.

Tommy wasn’t sure if he would consider Sean and himself friends. But they knew each other well enough. She was good people. He was happy she still put up with him asking for the random free meal every now and then.

“It was a wonderful dinner,” said Evan, looping his arm around Tommy’s as they walked up to the front door with Christopher, “I can’t believe you flew us to Napa and back.”

“He flew my dad to a fight in Los Vegas. I can believe it,” Christopher pointed out as he walked into his home, “Dad! We’re back!”

Tommy and Evan stepped inside too, finding a sleepy Eddie walking in from the kitchen.

“Chris! Was it a good dinner?” asked Eddie as he hugged his son.

“Yeah, it was delicious,” said Christopher.

Eddie turned his attention to Tommy and Evan.

“Thank you for taking him. That was very sweet of you,” said Eddie.

“It was nothing,” shrugged Tommy, because it really wasn’t a big deal.

“It wasn’t nothing,” said Evan, rolling his eyes, “My guy’s modest. She was a James Beard recipient who cooked us a personalized meal.”

“Wish I could have been there,” sighed Eddie, scratching the back of his head, “Should have been there.”

“And what? Missed your date with Marisol?” asked Tommy, a little confused by that.

Evan and Tommy were only taking care of Christopher that night because Eddie had a date. It felt a little weird that Eddie was being so hot and cold about all of this.

Though.

It was late.

Maybe Tommy was just being sensitive.

“No, I – I liked my date,” conceded Eddie, “It just wasn’t a personalized meal with a James Beard recipient cooking it.”

“Not a lot of meals are that,” Evan pointed out.

Eddie laughed.

“True, true. Well, you two have a good night,” said Eddie.

“Night!” said Christopher, already making his way to his bedroom.

Tommy and Evan left Eddie’s house, heading back to Evan’s Jeep.

“Is it just me or – was Eddie a little weird?” asked Evan, frowning as they both buckled up.

Oh.

So, it wasn’t just Tommy.

“I wouldn’t say I’m an expert on all things Eddie, but you know, you’ve been friends with him for forever. And I trust your judgment. I think if you think something’s up with him, there’s something up with him,” said Tommy as they pulled out of Eddie’s driveway, heading to Evan’s loft, “I would like to agree with you. I was getting some strange vibes from him. But I’m not sure if I’m the best person to ask because I’ve only known you all for, what? Three months now? Four?”

Evan smiled; this goofy, lovable smile.

That didn’t feel right for the discussion at hand.

“What?”

“I just remembered.”

“Remembered what?”

“We’ve got about three months until I ask you about how you’re feeling about your apartment.”

“What?”

Tommy had forgotten that completely. That Evan had said they would talk about moving in around the six-month mark. Had it really almost been three months?

“Evan,” Tommy said, shyly looking away to the passing streets.

“What? I can’t be excited about that?”

“But – serious discussion about Eddie.”

“We can talk about Eddie some other time, let me have a moment remembering this.”

“You’re getting too excited about that.”

“Why?”

Tommy wanted to say that he didn’t know if it would happen. That he didn’t know if they would last for six months. But the way Evan smiled at the idea; he practically blossomed in newfound happiness.

“Fine. Okay. Live in that for a while,” said Tommy as he felt his face heat up.

Fuck.

When was the last time a guy made him blush this much? How embarrassing. Evan didn’t seem to mind, though. He seemed over the moon to see Tommy like this.

“I’m going to get you to believe in happiness, you know that?” said Evan as he pulled into his loft’s parking garage, “That the world’s not going to crumble at any moment.”

“I don’t – ” Tommy started before Evan gave him a quick look, “Yeah. No. I know. Baby steps, though. Be patient with me.”

“Oh, I plan on being patient. You were patient with me, after all. I’m here for the long haul, Thomas,” said Evan as he parked in his spot, “Now, I think we talked even earlier about maybe unpacking how sexy it is that you care about the people I love? Maybe unpacking that in a sexy way together?”

Tommy laughed.

“You’re incorrigible. We’re not even in your place yet!”

“Incorrigible. Also horny. Kind of sexy when a guy helicopters you to a fancy dinner?” said Evan as they both got out of the car, “I really have no clue how Eddie kept it in his pants when you flew him to a match in Vegas.”

Evan grabbed Tommy’s hand, pulling him along like some horny golden retriever.

“I think it helped that he has a girlfriend.”

“Oh, what? You think you’d be falling into bed with him if he didn’t have one?” asked Evan.

“I thought you were the jealous type,” said Tommy as they got into the elevator.

“Oh, no, I am. But Eddie’s a nester. Unless he broke up with Marisol, I can’t see him jumping anyone’s bones, no matter how smooth you are with your oh, it’s no big deal that I’m a beefy, humble helicopter pilot who has a lot of random cool friends who always want to do favors for me. Look at how this one makes me a seven-course meal from scratch. This one got me front-row tickets to a fight. Please, ignore the muscles I so lovingly worked on, I’m just a simple firefighter who saves lives in midair.”

Tommy smiled as they got to Evan’s door.

“I mean. If he was a single. He’s cute. He’s a single dad with a great kid. He likes cars and Muay Thai – ” Tommy started to tease before –

Evan’s lips smashed into Tommy’s. And Tommy couldn’t think. He was swimming in the need of it; the look at me; the singularity of that kiss. Tommy gasped for air the moment Evan finally ended the kiss, trying to remember what they were talking about.

Where he was again.

“Okay, I’m not above it all. Stop talking about Eddie.”

Tommy laugh.

“Okay,” said Tommy, going back for another kiss.

Deepening it as they fell into something much more.

Chapter Text

Evan stared down giddily at his mail, drinking his morning coffee.

“What?” asked Tommy curiously, cooking eggs on Evan’s stove.

“I can’t believe we’re getting awards for stealing a helicopter,” said Evan, way too excited for the ceremony.

Or.

Maybe Evan hadn’t been celebrated a lot.

Tommy should be much kinder about it. He should give the ceremony the benefit of the doubt. But Tommy had been to his own fair share of ceremonies where people barely tolerated his presence – academic and athletic awards as a kid and teenager, mostly.

Awards made Tommy nervous.

He was going to have to get dressed in some suffocating suit; look nice and play nice with whoever would be there to hand out the awards. And Tommy – Tommy knew the top brass knew about him now.

He knew there were confirmed rumors.

And while Harbor Station and the 118 were safe havens, Tommy knew for a fact most of the other captains weren’t like that; they weren’t as kind as Nash. Tommy had done this song and dance as a kid, hearing those thinly veiled remarks volleyed at him.

Tommy didn’t want that sort of attention.

He barely wanted attention at all, usually.

But he was beginning to crave it a bit now that Evan was in his life. It was hard for him to think of life without getting a million texts from Evan or Eddie or sometimes Christopher or Marisol now. He liked that about his life. Tommy was barely used to the fact that he liked that bare amount of attention.

Tommy wasn’t looking forward to the medal ceremony.

“They’re parading us now that they know we’re good PR,” said Tommy despite himself.

“We did the right thing,” Evan pointed out smugly.

“That doesn’t usually give you a pat on the back, Evan,” said Tommy, because he knew that lesson deep in his soul.

You could never expect a reward for good deeds. You had to do them because they were the right thing to do, yes. But you did good consequences be damned. They were lucky the consequences were positive this time around.

“People usually give me pats on the back,” said Evan.

Tommy didn’t want to take that from Evan. He didn’t want Evan to feel like it was weird to feel like that. Hell, Tommy didn’t know if how he was feeling was an outlier. So, he simply nodded and went on to fry the next egg.

Evan slipped in right behind Tommy; his chin was on Tommy’s shoulder; his fingers played with the drawstring of the sweatpants he had borrowed from Evan.

“My parents were going to try and come for the ceremony, but…”

Tommy could feel Evan shrug behind him; could hear the disappointment in Evan’s voice.

“But Maddie will be there!” Evan continued excitedly, before adding, “Wait – will I get to meet any of your family?”

Evan lit up at the idea.

It hurt.

“I’m so excited to see who comes for you,” Evan continued as he pulled the toast out of the toaster, “Do your parents live nearby? Or - I know you don’t have the best relationship. Maybe some friends?”

How was Tommy going to tell Evan this?

Hi, I was a bit of a loner before the 118 came back into my life and none of my friends other than the ones who will already be there are good enough friends that I would invite them to this ceremony?

“I’m not inviting anyone,” said Tommy quietly, sliding the last fried egg onto a plate.

“What?”

Evan looked sad. He looked sad as he held a plate of toast for them. Tommy didn’t know what else to say.

“No one from Harbor Station?” asked Evan.

“I won’t be inviting anyone from Harbor Station, no.”

“You’re not… inviting anyone?” Evan asked, and it didn’t sound like it was sinking in yet.

No one was coming for Tommy. It was embarrassing to admit. But it was better to admit it now than wait for the last moment and throw Evan off.

“I… I don’t have anyone.”

Evan placed the plate of toast on his counter. He combed his fingers through his hair.

“What do you mean?”

“To invite - I don’t. Evan, I don’t have people.”

Tommy’s voice cracked. Which was even more embarrassing. Evan was finding out how much of a loser Tommy really was and hearing Tommy’s voice crack.

Great.

There was a long, terrifying, thick pause.

Before.

“I’ll be there,” said Evan softly.

“What?”

Evan walked over to Tommy. He took Tommy’s hand in his; held it like it was the dearest thing in the world. He kissed the top of it lightly, like Tommy was precious.

And that wasn’t the reaction Tommy expected.

Not at all.

But maybe Tommy should be open to the idea of Evan acting this way. Evan had proved time and time again that he would rather comfort Tommy than push him away. Tommy should trust that.

Trust Evan.

“I’ll be there,” Evan murmured as he began massaging Tommy’s hand, “When you get that award, look my way. I’ll be your family there.”

Tommy frowned.

“Wouldn’t you go first? Buckley.”

Evan smiled.

“I’ll make sure I’m not first. Look at me when you’re up there. I’m you’re plus one. I’ll always be your plus one. Of course I will.”

Tommy couldn’t say a word to that. He didn’t have the words to truly show how much he appreciated Evan; how much he loved this man in that moment.

So, Tommy pulled Evan into a hug. A long, tight hug. Evan hugged him back as they stood there in comfortable silence. Tommy hoped Evan understood what the hug meant. He was pretty sure Evan did, with how tightly Evan was hugging him back.

*****

Maddie smiled at Tommy as she took a sip of her water.

“So,” asked Maddie curiously, “What makes Tommy tick?”

Tommy blinked.

He had gotten to Maddie and Howie’s house first. He had asked if Evan wanted to carpool, but Evan said he would meet Tommy over there – he was dropping Jee-Yun off at the Lees for Chimney and Maddie.

Which left Tommy alone with Maddie and Howie.

That wasn’t a bad thing. He liked them both. But he didn’t have a lot of one-on-two time with them. Or rather, one-on-one time at the moment, since Howie was still finishing getting dressed for karaoke trivia night.

“Uh. What exactly do you want to know about me?” asked Tommy, not sure how to answer that question.

“I don’t know – what do you like? Where are you from? Did you always want to be a firefighter?” asked Maddie, “Chim said your favorite movie is Love, Actually. Is that true?”

Tommy.

Could try to answer some of those questions, at the very least. It was hard for Tommy to talk about himself, but he could try.

“Yeah, uh. Love, Actually is my favorite film. I – I didn’t grow up in a particularly kind home, and romcoms were a bit of an escape from that. A world where unconditional love existed. I wanted that – so I fell in love with those movies.”

Tommy couldn’t make this all about his sad childhood. He had to give her more so that it wasn’t just about that.

“I also fly during my days off.”

“You fly during your days off?”

“All the time. I’m actually teaching Evan how to. That’s been really fun. And I’m a pretty competent Muay Thai fighter. I have a ring set up in my garage. I’m good with cars too.”

“Seriously? Because my car’s been making this one weird noise,” Maddie said as she proceeded to make the strangest noise Tommy had ever heard.

“I’ll look at it tomorrow for you,” offered Tommy.

“Aw. Thank you. That would be really nice,” said Maddie, all smiles as she added, “And – you and Chim met at the 118, right?”

Oh.

Yeah, that was going to come up at some point, wasn’t it?

“Yeah. We did,” said Howie, entering the room fresh from a shower in a button-up and jeans, “Under a brutal regime.”

Tommy exchanged a look with Chimney, a knowing look.

“Don’t remind me,” Tommy said as he rubbed his face, “Really not my proudest days.”

“No. They weren’t. You sucked for a while back then. But you’ve proven that’s not you for the past, what? Almost two decades?” said Chimney as he sat down in the living room with Tommy and Maddie, “Besides, I know they weren’t great to you either. I remember the jokes.”

Tommy’s blood ran ice cold.

Tommy didn’t know people noticed.

Or maybe he had. He just hadn’t wanted to think about the fact that people noticed the specific jokes thrown at him.

“You remember those?” asked Tommy quietly.

Tense.

Which wasn’t right, he knew Chimney wouldn’t approve of the humor. He knew that back then. But it was the thought of going back to those moments… it was a lot.

“You don’t remember how they treated me?” asked Chimney, raising an eyebrow before he drank some of his wife’s water.

“Absolutely I do. How could I not? I know, but…” Tommy started, because, of course he noticed.

Tommy remembered how he had treated Howie too. He had grown since then, but he knew he had done wrong. He knew that entire station had been horrible to Chimney.

So.

Chimney probably noticed Tommy’s pain if Tommy noticed Chimney’s.

“I notice when someone’s treated wrong too, Tommy. You never said it. But, yeah. Hen and I actually were pretty sure you were gay, especially after that ‘single is easier’ line you pulled at the bar that one time,” explained Chimney, “We never brought it up because we wanted you to feel comfortable enough to bring it up yourself.”

Tommy hadn’t known that.

He didn’t know.

He knew people had suspicions, but he had thought nothing had really made him truly stand out until he came out at Harbor Station.

“When had you noticed?” asked Tommy.

“I think I started catching onto the pattern around the Twilight joke,” said Chimney bitterly, because it wasn’t a great memory for him either, Tommy supposed, “Team Jacob.”

“What the fuck,” blurted Maddie.

“I know,” Chimney agreed.

“They were worse to Howie. I just got snide, homophobic remarks that could pass as ‘jokes’,” Tommy emphasized, because they really were worse to Howie, “Gerrard encouraged it.”

Maddie turned to her husband. She reached out to him, holding his hand. And Tommy could tell that this wasn’t the first time Maddie and Chimney had talked about this. But it certainly wasn’t something they brought up often.

“Howard…” whispered Maddie, a quiet check on him.

Chimney smiled at Maddie. He was so gone on her. Tommy could see it. If anyone deserved happiness, it was Chimney, and Tommy was so happy Chimney found that happiness.

“Hey,” said Chimney assuredly, “I’m not there anymore. You aren’t either, Tommy. We survived that place.”

Tommy nodded.

“We really did,” said Tommy, letting out a shaky exhale, “You know, I saw Gerrard one time - he tripped while walking up the stairs, and ever since I just – it’s terrible – ”

“No, it’s not,” said Chimney, clearly liking where Tommy was going.

“Back then, I would often imagine him never getting his footing again,” admitted Tommy, “And tumbling to his death.”

Tommy had a lot of daydreams about that at the 118.

He wasn’t proud of them.

But they had helped him stay sane.

“Dark. I like it,” said Chimney encouragingly, “I always thought it was going to be all the shitty burgers he made you make. The ones he would aggressively criticize despite ordering you to make them.”

Tommy grimaced at that.

“Oh, I remember those,” said Tommy, haunted by the thought of them now, “A lot of limp wrist jokes when I flipped those burgers. Got surprisingly creative.”

Tiny, little jabs. Not enough to really get Gerrard in trouble. Enough to scoff off as jokes. Nothing Tommy felt he could actually complain about until Tommy got the courage to do so for Hen. But he found himself suddenly self-conscious about his hands now.

“Thought he’d choke or have a heart attack,” said Chimney, “I kind of fantasized about it.”

“The man needed a salad,” said Tommy, which made Chimney laugh.

“No, he didn’t,” Chimney countered, “Let him get to that heart attack faster.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was how he died,” agreed Tommy.

“He made me go on these errand runs – ” Chimney started and Tommy nodded.

“Yeah, for his personal shit. Nothing to do with work,” said Tommy, because he vividly remembered being humiliated before doing those, “Right before you joined was when I was his favorite. The man had blood pressure off the charts, if his meds said anything about it.”

Chimney blinked.

In the distance, Tommy could hear a door open; front door, probably.

Evan.

“Hey! Dropped Jee off at the Lees,” called Evan as he wandered into the living room and instantly noticed the tone.

He paused.

Looked from Chimney to Tommy, and Tommy should have focused on Evan, but he found himself stuck on Chimney’s look of surprise.

“I didn’t know you were the special one before me,” said Chimney slowly, “Why didn’t you tell me you were the punching bag?”

“The what?” said Evan, and that was when Tommy looked Evan’s way.

Evan.

Evan was holding a bouquet of flowers. It was a loud bouquet, all colors that almost felt blinding to look at. It felt a little out of place with Evan’s posture now. Without a clue as to what was going on, Evan looked as if he was ready to square up with whoever had made Tommy and Chimney punching bags.

Tommy had never had anyone want to protect him before.

Tommy swallowed, a little lightheaded at the thought of that. It was wrong to want that, surely. Evan punching the lights out of Gerrard? That would get him into so much trouble. Tommy couldn’t let that happen. But the thought of it?

Fuck.

“Captain Gerrard. He chooses a guy to be his punching bag – I was that guy when I first started out,” explained Chimney, “Never allowed out on calls. Always stuck at the firehouse. All I was good for was cleaning, getting food, errand runs, and whatever racist joke Gerrard thought was appropriate to tell.”

“It wasn’t right. You, Hen – it wasn’t right how he treated you both,” Tommy agreed, “He was terrible to others before you and that wasn’t right either. He was terrible to me. But he was nasty and downright cruel at times to you both.”

“Punching bags,” breathed Evan, “Chimney, Hen, and Tommy… all of you were his personal punching bags.”

“Yeah. He always picked someone for that,” said Tommy, “But like I said, Chimney and Hen got way more flack. If Vincent Gerrard was anything, he was truly a racist and sexist bastard.”

"He really fucking was," said Chimney, seething; probably thinking back to some horrible memory with the guy.

Evan seemed to only remember he was carrying flowers when Tommy heard the crunch of stems snapping. Evan frowned, glancing down at the bouquet.

Evan walked over and handed Tommy the flowers with a quick kiss on the cheek. Silent as he simmered on this knowledge.

Softness.

Even in such a heavy discussion, Evan offered Tommy softness. And Tommy wasn’t sure if he deserved that. But Evan gave it to him anyway.

“I’m sorry you two and Hen had to go through that,” said Evan as he sat on the arm of the couch next to Tommy.

“That place wasn’t good for anyone,” said Chimney, “That man was a petty, sad, power-hungry nightmare tyrant who liked to always be in control and have his station in perpetual fear with only a handful of boys at the top he liked.”

“Which I became a part of after I was a punching bag,” Tommy said.

“And even then, they still constantly made homophobic jibes at you, so did that really protect you?” asked Chimney honestly.

Tommy’s shoulders sank.

“It really didn’t,” said Tommy, a little mortified, “I thought it did, but it really didn’t in the end.”

“Exactly! Reign of fucking terror. Pitting everyone against each other. Bringing out the worst in all of us,” grumbled Chimney.

“It didn’t in you,” Tommy pointed out, “It didn’t in Hen. Especially not Hen. She was the reason that place got better.”

Hen had brought actual hope. Not that people hadn’t wanted to do something about Gerrard before, surely, but it was Hen who sparked the fire of transferring that man out of everyone’s lives.

“Well, there are always exceptions to the rule,” shrugged Chimney.

Something clicked for Evan. Wide-eyed, filled with rage and horror equally, Evan said, “The factory fire. You were still a punching bag then, weren’t you? Did he not try to save you because…?”

Evan couldn’t finish his thought.

Tommy knew what the thought was.

“The factory fire?” Maddie said, utterly confused.

“Yeah, Tommy’s got this gnarly scar from a factory fire, but I wasn’t there when he got it,” said Chimney, looking between Evan and Tommy, “Are you telling me they had all left him to die in there?”

“Yes,” said Evan before Tommy could say anything.

“I think it has more to do with Gerrard’s inability to care about anyone than who I was,” said Tommy.

Though.

Tommy didn’t think it helped that he was who he was.

“While I’d love to give Gerrard more credit for how horrific he was, and he is owed a lot of credit for being a smart, slimy son of a bitch, I do have to agree with Tommy. It was probably because of his poor leadership skills more so than some vendetta or animosity,” agreed Chimney reluctantly, “You almost died twice at the 118, then?”

“Yeah. I guess I did,” said Tommy, because he hadn’t really thought about it, “You know, Sal was the punching bag before me.”

“Sal?” said Evan, and it was as if Evan was making a mental note of that.

“I’m not sure who was before him. But the kind of system Gerrard made really impacted how people acted,” said Tommy, “I don’t think Sal would be the man that he was back then without that sense of dread of becoming the punching bag again.”

Maybe that was part of the reason Tommy hadn’t been so angry about how Sal had treated him. The way Sal put Tommy down to prop himself into the boy’s club whenever he felt threatened – it was survival. It was all survival when they were under Vincent Gerrard.

“Sal was really the punching bag before you?” asked Chimney, surprised, “I wouldn’t have thought.”

“He was actually the first person nice to me at the 118,” explained Tommy with a smile, “He got injured on the job around the time I started and hung out with me when I was stuck at the station. Helped me clean the firehouse.”

Tommy remembered that. How Sal had hobbled into the firehouse with the cast on his foot. How he had smiled at Tommy and said, I’m getting antsy stuck at home. Hand me a sponge.

Tommy hadn’t expected the kindness.

There had been a lot of quiet, private moments like that with Sal. None that Sal would probably admit to. But they had happened. Tommy knew that, at least.

“He was – he wasn’t a great friend,” continued Tommy, “But he was my first friend there when I had none.”

“Yeah. He was pretty shitty when I started, but the guy got better once Gerrard left, that’s for sure,” Chimney said, “Gerrard really was the worst. What a fucking dick.”

Tommy nodded, sighing.

“The medal ceremony is happening soon,” said Maddie, definitely trying to change the subject, “Are you excited?”

Was Tommy excited?

“I just did what I thought was right,” Tommy said.

Evan groaned.

“He’s just going to be like that, don’t try him,” said Evan, “He wouldn’t accept recognition if it bit him in the ass.”

“Don’t be like that,” said Maddie, “You’re a hero - own it.”

“Yeah, hero. Own it. We did good,” said Chimney, grinning.

And they were all so kind. And Tommy really wasn’t worth this effort. But if they wanted this, if they believed in Tommy, Tommy could at least try to believe too, he supposed.

“Okay,” mumbled Tommy, “I’m a hero.”

“See? Nice, right?” asked Maddie.

“He knows it’s nice, Maddie,” said Chimney, “Tommy’s just humble.”

“You all did most of the work. I just – ” Tommy started, but was quickly interrupted.

“Flew a helicopter through a hurricane and landed on a capsized cruise ship,” Maddie and Chimney said verbatim.

Tommy looked at them, confused.

“Buck has said it,” explained Maddie.

“A about a million times - you know I was there, right?” asked Chimney to a now tomato red Evan, “You know I helped in that rescue? I actually had a better view of Tommy.”

Tommy laughed.

“I know, it’s just – he’s cool, okay?” grumbled Evan, “My boyfriend’s cool.”

“Sorry about that,” said Tommy, a little overwhelmed to learn Evan had been talking about him like that.

“Why? Someone should brag about it. Why not your boyfriend?” said Maddie as she stood up and elbowed Tommy, “Now, are we heading to karaoke trivia or what?”

*****

There was something genuinely pleasant about hanging out with Maddie and Chimney. Maybe it helped that their relationship felt stable and loving. They felt healthy and it made Tommy wonder how it took this long for he and Evan to actually invite the two on a double date.

Or rather.

It should be a triple date, if Marisol and Eddie got here.

But, for now, this was a bit of a breath of fresh air. Maybe this was what it felt like to have a double date with two people who actually were on the same page with one another. Some straights were doing fine.

“Okay! Got the drinks!” said Evan giddily, bringing a tray over because of course Marcy gave Evan a tray, “Wine for Chimney and Maddie, the secret beer Marcy keeps special for Tommy, and… okay, I got another mar-sing-i. It was good last time.”

Maddie snorted at the ridiculous drink.

“Maybe I should get that,” said Maddie.

“I recommend it,” said Evan with a shrug before carrying off the tray back to the bar.

“They are very good. I’d get one too, but they get me these specialty beers and I kind of like beer more,” said Tommy with a shrug.

“No. We’ll do a round of them after this. It’ll be fun,” said Maddie excitedly as the crowd cheered, clapping whoever was on stage’s performance.

“Speaking of a next round,” said Chimney as he stood up and offered his hand to his wife, “I believe we’re up next on the karaoke docket.”

Maddie smiled, taking Chimney’s hand as they made their way to the stage. Evan joined Tommy back at the table, all smiles. Tommy got it. They finally got to sit next to each other at Mar-Singy’s. Evan’s smile only grew wider as “Islands in the Stream” by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton began to play.

“You know, I always dreamed of this,” said Evan.

“Your sister and brother-in-law singing a pretty decent rendition of ‘Islands in the Stream’?” asked Tommy.

Evan laughed.

“No, uh… Happiness. Maddie. Me. Both happy. It always felt like a pipe dream. Maddie was stuck with Doug for so long. I kept falling for the wrong people. When Maddie fell for Chimney, I was – I mean, I don’t know if I was ecstatic. I wasn’t mad, I was just caught off guard. I was definitely relieved, though. I thought, There. One of us finally found it. And there were – there were times where I thought, hell. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe it’s enough that one of us found it.”

Evan reached out for Tommy’s hand.

“Then I found you,” continued Evan, “And my whole world shattered. So much of what I thought of myself expanded into so much more. There were past moments where I thought – Huh. No. I was definitely flirting with that guy. But more importantly, you actually took this hope I had, this tiny hope that I could have happiness too, and made it into a reality. I’m so happy with you. You have no idea. I sigh with happiness every time I think about you. You’ve made a longshot dream come true for me.”

Happiness.

Tommy had so much trouble wrapping his mind around those words, that speech. But he believed every word.

“I never even dreamed of happiness. But with you… you make me feel like I’m allowed to be happy. That this can be my life.”

Evan laughed.

“It is your life.”

“I never want this to end.”

Tommy never thought he would say those words to anyone ever. He never thought he would be brave enough to say them out loud. And all he could think now was how Evan melted at those words.

As if Evan’s speech wasn’t the better one of the two.

“Tommy!”

Tommy turned, a little unprepared to see Marisol weaving through the crowd to get to the table with a drink in hand.

“Tommy! Evan! Good to see you both,” said Marisol as she hugged them, “Has Eddie showed up yet?”

Evan frowned.

“He didn’t come with you?” asked Evan.

Marisol shook her head.

“He said there was some event he was doing – I’m not sure what it was, but he said that it might run late,” explained Marisol as she sat down with her extravagant and somehow the size of her head tequila sunrise, “I kind of assumed he was doing something with one of you two, but I guess not.”

Huh.

That was weird.

But it wasn’t as if Evan and Tommy were Eddie’s only friends.

“I’m – I’m sure he’ll be here soon,” said Tommy, not quite sure if that was true.

He hoped it was.

“Me too. I feel like I’ve been seeing him less and less lately,” explained Marisol as she leaned on Tommy, drinking her cocktail, “And when we’re with each other, he feels so far away. I try not to show it whenever I’m with Christopher but – I don’t know, I’m worried.”

Tommy didn’t have words that could help. He put an arm around Marisol and rubbed her shoulder as she kept drinking her drink.

“I – I can try texting him. If you think that would help,” said Evan as he pulled out his phone.

Marisol gave a big vague shrug. Evan took that as a, “Yes,” as he started texting at the speed of light.

“I just want one night where we get to be cute. We get to go up there and sing an adorable song like Maddie and Chimney and then we win trivia night and, I don’t know, make out in my car or whatever before heading home,” confessed Marisol, and Tommy kind of wondered if the tequila sunrise was her first drink of the night or if she had a few shots at the bar, “Is that too much to ask?”

“It might be, since Tommy and I are going to crush the competition,” said Evan proudly, “We’ve been practicing.”

Marisol raised an eyebrow at Tommy.

“Practicing?” asked Marisol, as if asking Tommy, blink twice if Buck has been overworking you.

Tommy honestly liked practicing with Evan. Maybe it helped that they tended to find a lot of creative ways to reward each other with each right answer. And sure, they never got distracted enough to stop going through the entirety of Evan’s theorized possibly trivia questions, but there was nothing wrong with waiting for some gratification at the end of it all.

“There’s joy in practice,” said Tommy maybe a little too casually, “Who doesn’t like a little practice?”

Evan winked.

Tommy winked back.

They kept winking at each other until the burst out laughing.

“Worst,” groaned Marisol, “You both are the worst to be around. It’s gross how cute you are sometimes.”

“Hey. Rude,” said Tommy.

“Sorry. But I don’t need to know about your kinky trivia practice,” laughed Marisol.

“I mean. Okay. So maybe,” said Evan teasingly.

Tommy gave Evan a slight shove.

“Evan,” said Tommy, “You’re going to make her think we’re sex freaks.”

“Nothing wrong with being a little freaky,” Evan said, grinning.

“You’re no help. No help at all,” said Tommy as he heard the cheers of the crowd.

Chimney and Maddie bowed, soaking up the praise on stage. Tommy heard a ding, only to find Marisol staring horrified at her phone screen.

“What?” asked Tommy.

“I’m up next,” whispered Marisol, “Sing with me.”

It sounded more like a desperate plea than an ask.

“What?” asked Tommy, confused.

“I thought Eddie would be here by now,” hissed Marisol as she showed the text telling her it was her turn for karaoke, “Sing the song with me, please.”

Tommy couldn’t let her go up alone. He wasn’t going to. They were friends. They got day drunk together once. Tommy was going to help Marisol out.

“Okay,” said Tommy, standing up.

“Okay?” asked Marisol, relieved and excited.

“Okay,” said Tommy, nodding.

“Wait, where are you going?” asked Evan, who completely missed the conversation.

“Singing with Marisol,” said Tommy with a shrug, “I’ll be back soon.”

Marisol pulled Tommy to the stage, where Nora stood, raising an eyebrow.

“She’s my friend,” Tommy explained.

“You know the people who work here?” asked Marisol excitedly.

“Kind of,” said Nora as she set up the karaoke for two again, “Was expecting his boyfriend up here if he was coming.”

“No reason I can’t support a friend,” said Tommy thoughtfully.

“Hell yeah, we’re friends,” said Marisol, beaming.

“Take your shirt off!” yelled that someone who always seemed to yell that at Tommy.

“Which one of us?” yelled Marisol back, confused.

“I’m not very particular!” yelled that someone back.

“Yeah, I’m going with a general no for that,” said Marisol, “You?”

“I’m good. Keeping my shirt on!” Tommy called out to the crowd.

“Good for you, babe! Setting healthy boundaries!” yelled Evan, because of course he was adding to this chaos.

“I can appreciate a healthy boundary!” yelled that someone once more.

“Does this happen to people a lot up here?” asked Marisol curiously to Nora.

“Oh. Mostly just Tommy. It’s a whole thing now,” said Nora, waving it off, “You both should be ready to go.”

Tommy hadn’t even asked what song Marisol had chosen for herself and Eddie. He didn’t even have time to ask before the beat of the song came on, the name of the song plastered on the screen before the lyrics rolled up – “Heart to Break” by Kim Petras.

“Any time that you like; Gonna give you my heart to break,” Marisol sang, “Angel eyes, tell me lies; Gonna give you my heart to break.”

“One look are you, I’m powerless; I feel my body saying, ‘yes’; Where’s my self-control? Ah,” Tommy sang back, finding his eyes drifting to where Evan might be in the crowd, “And when you touch me, I’m a fool; This game I know I’m gonna lose; Makes me want you more!”

And Tommy got into the song, smiling and singing with Marisol, even dancing a bit. And Tommy wouldn’t say he was the best at karaoke; he wouldn’t say that he was the partner Marisol wanted up there – she wanted Eddie. But Tommy liked to think that he did a good job cheering Marisol up.

He hoped so.

She looked a little happier when the song ended, the crowd cheering them as they walked back to their table.

“That was fun. We need to sing together more often,” said Marisol, all smiles now.

“It – it was,” said Tommy, surprised that he felt the same, “We should.”

Tommy felt much more pride than when he went up there on his own when he saw Maddie, Chimney, and Evan cheering them as they sat down.

“You two were great up there,” said Maddie as she extended a hand, “I don’t think we’ve officially met. I’m Maddie. Buck’s sister.”

“Yes! I was going to meet you at the wedding, but, uh. I had a last-minute work thing and couldn’t go,” explained Marisol, and Tommy wasn’t sure if that was true.

Tommy was pretty sure Eddie said he asked her not to come.

“It’s wonderful to meet you now,” said Chimney as – as Evan’s phone buzzed.

Evan looked down at his phone.

“Oh. I guess. We’re going back to back to back,” said Evan as he stood up.

“What?” asked Maddie, clearly entertained by this, “Buck, what are you doing?”

“Are you about to serenade Tommy?” asked Chimney as he drank his wine.

Even in the dimly lit bar, Tommy could see Evan’s blush.

“Yeah, yeah, make fun. This is going to be good, though. I swear,” said Evan.

As Evan passed Tommy, Tommy felt the graze of Evan’s hand on his back; reassuring and familiar. Tommy smiled as Evan found his way up to the stage and chatted to Nora for a moment.

“Hey! It’s the boyfriend!” called that random someone from the crowd, “Take your shirt off!”

“Nope,” laughed Evan nervously, “My sister is here and that would be weird.”

“There’s a sister now?” called that random someone.

“And a husband!” said Chimney, before clarifying, “To the sister.”

“Cool! More hot guy lore!” yelled the random someone back.

“Anyway,” said Evan into the microphone, getting things back on track, “I almost sang ‘Love in This Club’, but Nora told me a flat no – a hard no to that request. So, plan B.”

Tommy didn’t know how Evan found Tommy so quickly in the crowd, but Evan was staring straight at Tommy. Their eyes were locked as Tommy heard something familiar; the smooth R&B tones of “Talk” by Khalid.

“Can we just talk? Can we just talk?” crooned Evan straight at Tommy, deep and dulcet and captivating, “Talk about where we’re goin’; Before we get lost, lend me your thoughts; Can’t get what we want without knowin’; I’ve never felt like this before; I apologize if I’m movin’ too far; Can we just talk? Can we just talk? Figure out where we’re goin’. Yeah, started off right; I can see it in your eyes; I can tell that you're wantin' more; What's been on your mind? There's no reason we should hide; Tell me somethin' I ain't heard before…”

Tommy couldn’t look away. He couldn’t breathe. All he could do was watch Evan watch him; listen to Evan serenade him.

That wasn’t something Tommy got.

People didn’t do that for Tommy. But Evan did so much that others didn’t do. The singing, the flowers – Evan was almost unreal.

How was Evan a real person?

The crowd, as it always did, cheered, but Tommy couldn’t focus on that. Not with how Evan was smiling at him.

Was making a beeline to him.

Pulled Tommy into a kiss like that.

And they weren’t much for PDA with friends or the public at large, but the kiss was quick and sweet from Evan’s cocktail and a little overwhelming like most kisses Evan started.

This relationship was going to break Tommy.

“I don’t know what to do with what I’m feeling right now,” said Tommy, maybe a little too honestly.

“Eh, we’ll figure that out later,” said Evan with the smuggest grin Tommy had ever seen.

“Hey. Not to interrupt, but since Eddie’s not here, we need to shake the teams up a bit,” said Marisol as she grabbed one of the sheets for the teams, “Looks like Team Marommy rides again!”

“No. Please. We’re doing this with Evan too,” said Tommy, not wanting to put Marisol down, but he really wanted to do trivia with his boyfriend.

Marisol looked between Tommy and Evan, as if to figure out if it was worth it to stay on the team. She seemed to concede to the rule as she shrugged and said, “Okay, Maromuck it is.”

Evan choked on his drink.

“That’s a terrible name,” said Evan earnestly.

“Too late,” said Marisol, holding out the paper with the name on it, “It’s on the paper now.”

“Wait,” said Maddie as she stood up and pointed at Evan, “No fair. You can’t have Buck. You’ll win if you have Buck.”

“We tied last time,” said Marisol.

“Definitely a reason why you can’t team up with Buck, then,” said Chimney.

“I’m playing with my boyfriend,” said Tommy, but no one at the table besides maybe Evan really seemed to care about Tommy’s input at this point.

“Yeah, he is,” said Evan, annoyed, “This will not be another night where my carefully laid plan is stampeded by the whims of the other people at the table who didn’t think this through. Also, fight for Tommy. He’s smart too.”

“I mean – I guess I am,” said Tommy as he shrunk a bit at the new attention on him.

“Wait. What is this? Why does this feel like a wild card?” asked Chimney reluctantly.

“Should we be fighting over Tommy or is this you overhyping your boyfriend?” asked Maddie curiously.

“Uh. Regular amounts of hype,” said Evan proudly, “He’s a great study buddy. He even got my color-coded notecard system.”

“I was, uh. In line to be valedictorian before I dropped out of high school,” said Tommy a little self-consciously, “So, I get study systems.”

Chimney, Maddie, and Marisol stared at Tommy for a long moment.

“What?” asked Maddie.

“How didn’t I know that you were a valedictorian?” asked Chimney, confused.

“You dropped out of high school?” asked Marisol like she never expected it.

“I wasn’t valedictorian, I would have been. Uh. Most likely,” Tommy corrected, “And. Yeah. I dropped out. I do have a GED. I don’t think any of this matters much now, I’m thirty-nine.”

Tommy shrugged.

He didn’t want to talk about it.

He didn’t even know why he brought it up.

“I swear,” said Chimney, astounded, “I know more about you from the last few months you’ve dated Buck than the years I spent working with you.”

Tommy didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. It was probably a sad thing.

“I’m sorry about that,” apologized Tommy.

“No, I get it,” said Chimney as he gave Evan a playful punch to the arm, “You needed someone to help you open up.”

Tommy smiled at Evan. Evan smiled back.

“Yeah,” said Tommy as he held hands with his boyfriend, “I guess I did.”

“Okay,” said Maddie as she gestured for Marisol to come to their side, “We’ll take Marisol, then. You two have fun being a team.”

Tommy couldn’t help but keep holding Evan’s hand throughout the rest of the trivia night. Tommy never wanted to let go of Evan.

Chapter Text

“A rodeo clown?” said Tommy, confused.

“Yeah,” Evan said as he placed the lasagna supplies on his counter, “A rodeo clown.”

“How? Why?”

Evan laughed.

He looked so cute; in his apron; the way he took out each ingredient one at a time from the grocery bags and began to organize them on his kitchen island.

“Why?” Evan echoed.

“Why a rodeo clown?” Tommy specified.

“I’ve heard clowning is an honest profession.”

Tommy threw a dishtowel at Evan.

“What’s a rodeo clown doing in Los Angeles?” asked Tommy, not sure how this became the call Evan was on.

“Indie film, apparently,” said Evan as he pulled out a few beers from the fridge, “The director said I would look great in front of a camera.”

“You are very handsome.”

That was a blush.

Evan was blushing.

“Shut up,” mumbled Evan as Evan gestured at the oven.

“What?” asked Tommy as he inspected Evan’s oven, “You haven’t been asked to be part of the calendar yet or something?”

“You know, Chimney was on that once.”

Tommy grinned as he watched Evan take out that fancy bartender ring that doubled as a beer bottle opener and put it on.

“Oh, I know. He sent me one in the mail. I was on there at one point.”

Evan cracked open the beers in a way that felt more like it was a surprise that he opened those beers up than any intentional action.

“You – you were what?” asked Evan, doing his best but failing to sound casual.

Tommy posed, showing off some muscles.

“Mr. November,” Tommy said with a wink, “The twenty-nineteen calendar.”

Evan.

Just.

Looked from Tommy’s muscles to his lips. Evan swallowed hard.

“They had me pose shirtless in the turnouts,” added Tommy, helping Evan paint that picture.

“Fuck,” breathed Evan, “I gotta get that twenty-nineteen calendar.”

“I have it somewhere at my apartment,” said Tommy, and okay, maybe he was looking deeply into Evan’s eyes as he spoke, “I’ll find it for you.”

Evan swallowed hard again.

“Cool,” said Evan, his voice a touch higher, “That would be great.”

Tommy snickered before he remembered what he was supposed to actually be doing and preheated the oven to three-twenty-five degrees Fahrenheit. Tommy glanced over at Evan.

“Are you really making a note for this?” asked Tommy as he watched Evan type on his phone.

“I want to know how to make it right,” Evan insisted.

“Cooking can be a science, but it’s also an art. You have to loosen up and just let the lasagna make itself.”

“That literally makes no sense, Tommy,” said Evan, dead serious.

“Just saying,” said Tommy with a shrug, “I never quite make it the same every time. But people love it.”

“What? Because your special ingredient is love?” asked Evan, “No special ingredient is love. It’s chemistry. It’s always chemistry. I mean, usually, it’s an actual ingredient, but it’s how the ingredient mixes into the overall chemical reaction of the dish.”

Tommy laughed.

“That’s surprisingly cynical of you.”

“Well, you’re being a little more whimsical than you usually are. Freestyling a meal?”

“What can I say? Sometimes, I believe in the magic of muscle memory and taste,” said Tommy as he took in the ingredients they had on hand and grabbed a few spices from Evan’s rack, “So, how did you save the rodeo clown?”

“Oh. Yeah. I just took one of the ropes they were using on set and roped the calf that was keeping the clown in the barrel. Then, Hen and Eddie were able to pull him out and check on his leg.”

Tommy stopped what he was doing.

“You what?”

“Roped the calf? I made a lasso and just – ” Evan explained, mimicking creating a lasso and roping a calf.

This.

Did not answer the underlying question that Tommy hadn’t really asked. So, Tommy decided to be more straightforward in his approach.

“How do you know how to do that?”

“I did a few local rodeo competitions back when I worked on a dude ranch. I didn’t tell you about that?”

Evan. In a cowboy getup. Roping calves. Tommy didn’t know this was something he wanted to see. He needed photos. He wondered if Maddie had photos. Or maybe Evan had some up on Instagram?

“You worked on a dude ranch?” Tommy asked, making sure he heard that right.

Evan nodded.

“I worked on a dude ranch,” said Evan.

“And you thought you were straight?”

Evan laughed.

“I mean – there were –  ” Evan started to say, but then Tommy saw it; Evan’s memory of the ranch flashing before his eyes, “Okay. So, you might have a point. Thinking back on it, I’m pretty sure I might have flirted with half of my coworkers. I might have sort of made out with one? But that was a dare and we were all hammered, I don’t know if it counted that much. Though. He really did have the most grabbable ass. Wow. I’m not sure why I didn’t notice then, because the guy kept buying me beers and taking me out to bars and I never made out with him again. Did look at his butt a lot, though. Like I said, very grabbable.”

That.

Was a lot to unpack.

But it was good that Evan recognized that.

“Life can be weird that way,” said Tommy as he went back to lasagna prep, “You don’t know when you’re really going to start living your life until you realize you’re happy with yourself. And even then, it’s not like you can get that time back – you just do the best you can with the time you have now that you’re more comfortable with yourself and know yourself better, you know?”

“Would you change anything about your life? If you could?” asked Evan as he rested his chin on Tommy’s shoulder; wrapped his arms around Tommy’s waist loosely.

Tommy thought about it.

Would he change anything about his life?

“There’s a lot of my life that I probably could point to, say I would change. And it’s not that I’m happy that those things happened to me. I don’t like what my life used to be. But I like what my life is now. What happened in the past – it wasn’t okay. I would never say that the terrible things that happened in my life made me stronger or that I’m grateful for them, because I’m not; I’m not stronger because of them, I’m strong despite them. I’m not grateful for pain and I never will be. But it’s part of me – it brought me here. And this? Here? In your kitchen making my ridiculous lasagna recipe? This is okay. More than okay.”

Tommy could feel Evan’s smile pressed in the crook of his neck.

“More than okay?” asked Evan into Tommy’s skin.

Tommy leaned his head onto Evan’s.

“Much more than okay,” Tommy affirmed as Evan lazily kissed the crook of Tommy’s neck, “I thought you were taking intense notes on what you needed to do to make the lasagna.”

“I just remembered that I can ask you to show me at any time,” said Evan, “So, maybe I take a few notes now, a few notes some other time. Recharge when I want to.”

“So, that’s recharging for you?”

“Yeah. The shift was tiring, what can I say?” said Evan with a yawn, “Also, Bobby called in for a personal day, which was a little weird.”

“He did?” asked Tommy curiously, “I don’t think he ever did that when I was at the 118.”

“Yeah, he usually doesn’t do that,” said Evan, a little worry in his voice, “It’s probably nothing. Athena would call me if it was something important.”

“You’re that close to him, huh?”

“He’s kind of like my dad? And I know, I have a dad, but my parents are – Bobby is a much better parent to me than either of my parents ever were.”

Evan felt tense. Like he was waiting for Tommy to tell him that was weird or he was being ungrateful for having parents or something.

“Good,” said Tommy and he could feel Evan exhale all that fear away, “You deserve an actual parent who cares about you. I know. I’m probably overstepping, but your parents didn’t talk to you at all when I was there after the wedding. Maybe they did when I fell asleep, but they didn’t introduce themselves when I was awake. Bobby was the one who made small talk with you and told you to wipe the soot off. And I’m sorry if this really is overstepping, but I feel like that says something about your parents and that says something about Bobby.”

Tommy remembered that.

He was starting to crash in the chair; not asleep yet, but it was getting to the point he was having trouble keeping his eyes open. And Bobby and his wife Athena had walked over. They had greeted Tommy, but Tommy was sure they could tell he wasn’t going to be a huge conversationalist at that moment, so they let him nod in and out of that conversation. Evan had thanked Bobby again for officiating. Bobby had teased Evan about the soot as Athena offered a napkin dipped in her water for help.

They were nice.

They cared.

Tommy was happy Evan had that.

“I didn’t know you remembered that,” said Evan.

Tommy glanced Evan’s way and saw the marvel in Evan’s eyes; like Tommy kept surprising him with kindness.

“If Bobby Nash is anything, he’s good people. And I’m glad he’s your people.”

Tommy was happy that he had put his knife down moments before, because Evan had turned Tommy around, kissing Tommy into his kitchen island. And they might have just forgotten about making lasagna entirely that night, if not for the fact that Evan got a few texts.

Evan groaned, checking his phone to… only to deflate.

“Oh. Marisol wants to know why you’re not answering your texts.”

Tommy frowned.

“I told her I was hanging out with you tonight.”

“She only texts me when it’s about you.”

And Evan – Evan fidgeted. Uncomfortable and his confidence taking a bit of a hit. Tommy didn’t like that.

“I’m going to talk to her about that,” said Tommy.

“What? No. You don’t have to do that.”

“Evan, I don’t like when people make my boyfriend look like this. I’m talking to her. I don’t like how she’s treating you.”

“You – you really will?”

Like Tommy wouldn’t go to bat for Evan.

“Scheduling a meet-up right now,” said Tommy, quickly texting Marisol.

TOMMY: Can I meet up with you tomorrow? Want to talk with you about something

MARISOL: Yeah let’s do it!!

“Done,” said Tommy as he put his phone away.

And, okay, so Tommy might have turned off the oven because they were definitely going to make lasagna another night now.

*****

The Huntington Library, Art Museum, and Botanical Gardens was a lavish, sprawling dedication to art, knowledge, and nature. Tommy had always loved it. When he wasn’t out, when he felt so alone but at least found stability in Los Angeles, Tommy found himself walking amongst the flora, wandering the gardens that felt almost like they were ripped from a fairytale. Like, maybe if Tommy was lucky enough, he would bump into Mr. Right and stumble into romance there.

It was funny to think that he had found the person he loved near a plane hangar before a rogue mission that should have gotten them all killed.

Tommy supposed that was another way to start a rom-com.

“Tommy!” yelled Marisol, waving as she rushed over to him, “I’m so glad I found you! You don’t even know what Eddie said this morning. I don’t know what is happening with him. He’s been acting so weird lately.”

Oh.

Okay, so she really did just start on her own problems instead of asking Tommy what he wanted to talk to her about.

Okay.

Tommy took a deep breath before he told Marisol calmly, “I’m not saying we can’t talk about Eddie at some point, but you know I asked you here to talk about something? That I wanted to talk to you about something?”

“Oh. Yeah, right. Sorry, I forgot. I just saw you and – ” Marisol said, making a few jumbled sounds before adding, “Words. And the Eddie thing really happened this morning, so it was on my mind and you were here so I was going to tell you.”

Tommy needed to figure out a way to say this firmly, but kindly. Because he liked Marisol. He liked hanging out with her. But this was a pattern.

“I’m not you’re gay best friend. You know that, right?”

Marisol.

Tripped.

She caught herself, she didn’t fall, but Tommy’s words definitely took her by surprise.

“What?” said Marisol, “You’re just a friend. Who happens to be gay. And you know, I’m cool with that – I’m cool with that, really. I was cool with gay people as a nun in training. That sounds terrible. I don’t mean to treat you like that if I am.”

Marisol fiddled with her dress.

“You wanted to talk about something,” Marisol added, giving Tommy her full attention now, “I’m – I’m sorry I’ve been making it all about me. I’ve got a lot of stuff happening, but that doesn’t mean our friendship should just be me venting.”

“I don’t think it is, but – yeah, no. I need time too, sometimes,” said Tommy honestly.

Tommy wasn’t used to asking for that; space for himself. He wasn’t used to wanting it. He was mostly used to people keeping their distance or maybe just professing things to him since it was easier to say something to a stranger.

He wasn’t used to wanting to say his own piece.

To wanting to put himself first in a friendship sometimes.

But he really needed that too. It was strange to realize that.

“Yeah. No. Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you weren’t allowed to talk about your own stuff too,” said Marisol as she hugged Tommy, “You are. We’re friends. That’s a two-way street and I – I don’t know why I’m so bad at this. I’m so sorry that I am. I want to be there for you too.”

Tommy didn’t even know he was holding his breath until he exhaled. He hadn’t known. He hadn’t known that hearing that was important.

“Oh,” said Tommy, not sure why he was surprised that a friend wanted to be a friend to him, “Thank you.”

Tommy’s phone buzzed.

Tommy checked it, smiling as he saw a text from Evan.

EVAN: Hey, just wanted to say I miss you

“Is that Buck?” asked Marisol, “Isn’t he supposed to be at work right now? That guy never leaves you alone. He’s so obsessed with you.”

Tommy.

Texted back quickly before he put his phone away.

TOMMY: Miss you too

Tommy turned to Marisol.

“I need you to stop that,” said Tommy, because that was really what he wanted to talk to Marisol about.

“Stop what?” asked Marisol with a bit of a nervous laugh.

“Putting down my boyfriend.”

“What? I’m not – I’m not doing that.”

She wasn’t exactly looking Tommy in the eye. Tommy placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at Tommy, ready for something.

Harsh words? Cutting ties?

That wasn’t what Tommy was going to do, though.

“I think you’re a lot like him,” said Tommy.

Which.

Completely threw Marisol for a loop. She laughed, surprised at her own outburst. She placed her hand on her mouth, taking a moment to recover.

“Like Buck?” Marisol said dubiously.

Tommy nodded.

“You want people to like you,” said Tommy as he thought back to that week or so between Evan asking for the tour and Evan hurting Eddie at the pickup basketball game, “And when you feel like someone else is doing better than you at getting people to like them, you don’t always think when those insecurities bubble up.”

Marisol chewed on her lip, taking a moment to process that. She seemed annoyed to even admit it when she replied, “… I guess you might be right. About that. He just – he fits. In a way that I don’t. He fits so easily. With you. With Eddie. With Christopher. I had to work to get Chris to like me. I had to – I had to learn everything about that video game he likes and research that movie he wanted to go to so I could keep up with it. And you’d think it would be easier with Eddie, we have things in common, but I feel like every time I put myself out there with him, it only pushes him away. I have to try so hard to fit, and what? Buck comes in and he’s just loved. Automatically. Unconditionally. He knows what to say. He knows how to act. I can’t even give you the time of day to talk about yourself. Every time I see him, all I think is he fits, I don’t. And it’s not fair of me to think, but that’s what’s happening.”

“Love shouldn’t be that hard, Marisol,” Tommy said.

Not that Tommy knew what love should be like. But he felt like it was supposed to be easy. It was supposed to be fitting. It surprisingly felt easy with Evan.

“I feel like we at least work,” offered Tommy, “This friendship doesn’t feel hard to me.”

Marisol nodded.

“No, it does. It’s easy being friends with you. It was – it was a relief when I first met you that it felt like I didn’t have to try so hard around you,” agreed Marisol, “And, I don’t know. It’s horrible of me, I know it’s horrible, but then I see Buck there and it’s easy for him too, and I just – I think great, so it’s easy for him too. Which is shitty, I know, and I’m sorry about that.”

“Hey. It’s good that you’re acknowledging it,” said Tommy, “And I’m not asking you to be friends with Evan if that’s not something you want, but I really need you to be kinder to him.”

Marisol groaned into her hands.

“I’m sorry. It’s not his fault I’m so insecure. I’ll apologize to him,” said Marisol, “Next time I see him I will. Fuck. I think my relationship with Eddie’s been impacting how I’ve been treating people too, which – I know. I know that’s not great. Like, did you know Buck is Christopher’s guardian if Eddie dies?”

Huh.

Tommy didn’t know that.

“I didn’t.”

“And I know Eddie made it that way a while back, before he knew me, but I’ve been dating him for over a year and he’s never brought up Christopher’s guardianship with me,” said Marisol, “I’m ready for that. I would be there for that kid if something happened to Eddie. I’d be there for Chris now. Fuck, I’m making this all about me again.”

“No, it’s okay. This is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, so I’m glad we’re working out some of these problems,” said Tommy, “And – I understand what it’s like to not feel like you fit somewhere. To feel like you’re always trying and it’s never enough.”

Marisol smiled at Tommy, misty-eyed.

“It’s funny. I always thought I was more like you than Buck.”

Tommy blinked.

“You think so?”

“We’re both lonely people brought into warm homes. We’re both holding on as tight as we think we’re allowed to.”

Tommy couldn’t argue with that.

He felt deeply seen and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

Tommy wrapped an arm around Marisol, pulling her close.

“What are you saying? That we’re a couple of losers who somehow stumbled into great families?”

“Yeah, I’m kind of saying that… Tommy?”

“Yes, Marisol?”

“How’s everything going? Tell me about your life right now.”

Tommy smiled softly.

“So, I just learned Evan worked at a dude ranch once.”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah, I was surprised too. But also not?”

“Wait. So, were you thinking about him in a cowboy getup?”

“Okay, yes. My mind did instantly go there.”

“I’m telling you, guys dressed as cowboys somehow get hotter. I don’t make the rules.”

“God. I think you’re right. That’s shallow of me, right? I shouldn’t be thinking about that.”

“Thomas, he’s your boyfriend. Be as shallow as you want with him.”

They laughed, continuing through the gardens together.

*****

“Oh! I forgot to say – I got the strangest call from Marisol today,” said Evan, brushing his teeth with his electric toothbrush as he walked out of his bathroom.

Evan was only in boxer briefs.

Just.

Boxer briefs.

Snug on his body.

Tommy set Heated Rivalry by Rachel Reid aside, placing a bookmark for later before giving Evan his undivided attention.

“Really?” asked Tommy, a little surprised.

The timer on the electric toothbrush ended as Evan quickly went back into the bathroom. He walked out, smiling as he crawled into bed.

“Yeah, she, uh. She apologized for how cold she’s been acting with me?” said Evan, a little confused himself, “I don’t know, we kind of had a good heart-to-heart. It was nice. I didn’t expect it. I kind of thought she hated me.”

“I’m glad you two got things sorted, then,” said Tommy as he settled in bed too.

“It was – it was the talk you had with her, wasn’t it? That made her reach out?”

Tommy shrugged.

“I can’t make people do things. I hope what I said helped.”

Tommy thought back to that talk.

And.

Remembered something.

“Hey, Evan?” Tommy asked.

“Yeah? What?” yawned Evan.

“I’m not sure if I’m supposed to know this, but – are you really Christopher’s guardian? If something happens to Eddie?”

Evan’s eyes widened. And Tommy could tell Evan knew who told Tommy. Evan rubbed his face.

“I was going to tell you eventually. I wasn’t hiding it or anything.”

Tommy reached out to Evan; placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey. No. I wasn’t thinking that at all. That’s a big thing to tell someone. I’m sorry I found out from someone other than you.”

“This isn’t some new thing. I’ve been in the will for years at this point. And it’s not a responsibility I shrug off. It’s something that, if I have to act on it, I will. And I will probably put Christopher first over everything if it really came to that too, so…” Evan explained, hesitant as he asked, “Is that – is that going to be a problem?”

There.

Fear.

And worry.

Like this could make or break them. Like this would have broken any other relationship Evan had in the past. Tommy moved his hand; cupped Evan’s cheek.

“No,” Tommy said softly, “It’s not a problem, Evan. If I had a kid, I would make sure my parents never got their hands on that kid. I’d make sure someone I trusted raised that kid if I couldn’t be there. You’re his family. I get why he’d choose you. And yeah, god forbid something horrible happened, I would want you to put Christopher first. Of course I would.”

Tommy saw the tears welling up in Evan’s eyes. He wiped one away with his thumb as Evan whispered, “I don’t think I’ve been with someone who would be okay with that.”

“Well. You’re with me now. And I’m okay with it.”

Evan placed his hand over Tommy’s. He held it as he let out a choked-out sob.

“I don’t know why I’m getting so emotional about this,” said Evan, wiping his eyes with the other hand, “I’m sorry. This is embarrassing.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not embarrassing. It’s a big deal. It’s okay.”

Tommy pulled Evan close. He held Evan, just held him; rubbed his back as they lay in bed like that.

Until.

Ding.

“Fuck – let me just see what that is,” said Evan, sounding exhausted in that way a good cry would make you.

He checked his phone to find…

“Huh.”

“What?”

“Bobby was in the desert – he went to the hospital for dehydration or something. Athena says he’s okay, but he might take another day or two off work.”

“But he is okay, right?”

“Yes, uh. He’s fine. Weird. Why was he in the desert?”

“Good question,” said Evan as he settled back onto the bed, tangling himself back up with Tommy, “I’ll try to ask Athena more questions tomorrow about it.”

“I’ll bring something over for them. Ask for you,” said Tommy.

“What? No. you don’t have to.”

“It’s fine. What’s an impress someone lasagna for if not to bring it over to score points with your surrogate dad?”

Evan laughed.

“Okay, fine. If you insist. But tell them I say hi, okay?”

“I will,” said Tommy, closing his eyes as they went to sleep.

Chapter Text

This was probably a bad idea.

Tommy tended to find himself in situations like this often now; standing at someone’s front door with a lasagna, hoping that he wasn’t intruding.

He had never been to the Nash-Grant home before. It was a sleek, unique home in the neighborhood. This home was built by the person who owned it, it wasn’t a cookie-cutter place. Tommy had remembered Evan talking about how Athena’s ex-husband had been an architect, but this house really proved that. It was a home that felt as if it were built inspired by a dream.

It almost hurt to look at.

A house.

Tommy kind of wanted a house.

He wanted a backyard. He wanted bedrooms. He wanted space. He wanted so much space that he would have to fill it with people.

Tommy hadn’t wanted that before.

But it felt almost pitiable thinking back on what he was okay with only months before; an apartment that was claustrophobic, but good enough; an empty social life; some banter with coworkers.

Tommy wanted more.

Tommy didn’t know if he could have more, but it felt almost in his grasp. That was such a tempting, insidious thing – the hope of it all. Because, surely, whatever this feeling was would be crushed by reality like any other wishes Tommy chanced to run after before.

But it was still there.

That want.

The idea of more.

Tommy wouldn’t say that it would be soon. He wouldn’t dare to think that he could say those wants out loud, lest they be torn from him prematurely.

But he felt oddly comfortable enough for once in his life to possibly dream bigger.

Dream of something like this.

But Tommy wasn’t at the Nash-Grant home for dreams. No, he was there to give his heartfelt well wishes and, maybe selfishly so, impress whoever opened the door.

Tommy rang the doorbell, waiting nervously for someone to answer.

He hoped he hadn’t come at a bad time.

It wasn’t Bobby Nash who opened the door.

Nor Athena.

No, it was – Tommy knew this. Evan gushed about Bobby all the time, he knew Bobby facts.

“May?” asked Tommy, then thought that it might be weird to just know her name, “I’m uh – ”

“Tommy,” she said, “I’ve seen Buck’s Instagram.”

Huh.

How many photos did Buck have of him on Instagram? It wasn’t as if Tommy really checked. Maybe he should at some point.

“I heard about Bobby, and I know Athena said not to worry about him, but Evan was. I thought I’d come over with, uh. Some of my lasagna. Just a get well soon lasagna, I guess.”

Tommy did not feel smooth at all. He felt awkward as May assessed him. She shrugged, grabbing the lasagna from Tommy.

“Come on in,” said May as she gestured for Tommy to follow her into the gorgeous home, “Bobby and Mom are out on a walk right now. But I’ll put this in the fridge.”

“Oh!” said Tommy, as he pulled a neatly folded sheet of paper out of his pocket, “I actually have heating instructions. I’ll leave it on the table.”

Tommy did as he said, leaving the note neatly there. May walked back from the fridge, glancing down at the note.

“Wow, your handwriting looks like a calligraphy font,” said May, a little stunned, “It’s like those history documentaries where they show old letters.”

“Yeah. Uh. A lot of muscle memory.”

Tommy wasn’t going to say he cursived too close to the sun for his parents’ approval and only got immaculate handwriting out of it.

“So… you’re dating Buck?”

May’s face was neutral; a true poker face if Tommy ever saw one.

“Uh, yes. I am.”

She smiled.

“Bobby says you’re good people.”

Tommy.

Hadn’t expected that.

He wasn’t really thinking about how Bobby felt about him. He wanted to make a good reintroduction of himself to Bobby. He had wanted to prove he was better than he was, that his move to Harbor Station was the move he needed to make even if Nash was a great captain.

Tommy had come there expecting an uphill battle, really.

He hadn’t expected Bobby to already approve.

Tommy didn’t anticipate that. He rarely felt like good people. Hard to feel that when he wasn’t raised by good people, didn’t have good people surrounding him for most of his life.

But Tommy simply said, “Oh. That was kind of him.”

May snickered.

“He told us the chicken story.”

Tommy laughed.

“Great,” said Tommy as he remembered that particularly embarrassing moment of his life, “Fantastic that your entire family knows that one.”

“It’s a good story. I liked it. And don’t worry. We haven’t told Buck yet. Though, I bet when he brings you over for dinner here, Bobby will.”

Tommy felt his heart skip a beat.

Or maybe that was a heart attack.

Was Tommy having a heart attack?

“Here?”

There was no way Tommy was at the meet the parents stage.

Well.

He already did that with Maddie.

But still.

Tommy hadn’t prepared himself for May to say that.

“Yeah, Buck’s like Bobby’s son. Mom brought two kids into the marriage. Bobby brought one.”

It was nice to know that Bobby’s family felt the same as Evan did. It was good that they had all accepted him into their family, even if it was unofficial. Suddenly, Tommy felt much more nervous about the lasagna, though.

“I left the instructions to heat this up properly, right?” Tommy asked, a little panicked.

May rolled her eyes as she held up the instructions.

“Yes. We got your letter from the American Revolution frontline, Tommy. We’re good here,” said May as Tommy’s phone began buzzing, “I’m pretty sure Buck’s texting. You should check on that.”

Tommy pulled it out to see that it was Evan texting.

EVAN: You dropped lasagna off for real???

EVAN: Aww, that’s so sweet

EVAN: You really didn’t have to

“Sorcery,” whispered Tommy.

TOMMY: I said I would. It was really no problem

TOMMY: Heading to work, see you after!

“I texted Evan earlier when you were a space cadet on the lawn to make sure it was you,” said May as she pulled out her phone and showed Tommy gawking at her family’s home.

Tommy.

Blushed way too much at that.

Had he really spaced out long enough for her to take those pictures? Well, he must have. Tommy glanced down and saw the time.

“Right. Uh,” said Tommy as he made his way to the front door, “I got to head to work. But you have a good day, May.”

May extended her hand. Tommy shook it.

“It was nice to meet you, Tommy,” said May, “Don’t break Buck’s heart, okay?”

“Wouldn’t dare to,” said Tommy, which seemed to make May smile again.

“Yeah. I see how you’re smooth now,” said May.

Tommy lost whatever smoothness he had, though, as he tripped his way out of the house before heading over to his El Camino.

*****

Tommy’s job was weird sometimes.

He felt bad as he saw the legs of the women dangling from the ceiling of the apartment.

“Well, this place isn’t up to code,” Tommy commented.

“You’re telling me,” said the woman who had called the 9-1-1, “Mary, how are you doing?”

“Still halfway through the floor,” yelled the woman currently stuck in the ceiling.

“Yeah, we might need to get into your apartment to help you,” said Lucy, “Is your door unlocked?”

“Yeah, it actually is,” said the dangling legs, “Please come up.”

“Right. Tommy, you stay down here – you might need to catch her. Lucy and I will go up,” said Melton as Lucy and Melton strode out of the room, leaving Tommy with the woman who called for help.

“Happen to you often?” asked Tommy casually.

Both the woman in the apartment – Ellen, Tommy remembered it was Ellen – and Mary laughed.

“Oh yeah, every other week,” said Ellen sarcastically, “Patching up ceiling left and right. See this often?”

Tommy crossed his arms, thinking about the last few weeks of calls.

“Not particularly, no. But it’s not surprising,” explained Tommy as he heard Lucy and Melton enter the apartment above with muffled greetings, “Landlords cutting corners isn’t exactly a new thing. The problems just crop up in strange ways sometimes.”

“I’m definitely moving,” said Ellen as she pointed at Mary’s legs, “That’s not going to be me. Doing anything later? Could be nice to have company apartment shopping.”

Tommy had heard a lot of pickup lines in his day, but he hadn’t heard that line before.

“I’d help, but I kind of need to meet up with my boyfriend. He wanted me to show him RuPaul’s Drag Race or Dragula because he kept forgetting to ask me about them again and he remembered when I left his loft this morning, and – ”

Tommy heard a ding from his phone. He pulled it out to find a text from Evan.

EVAN: Did you know that the first chainsaws were invented in 18^th century Scotland to help with childbirth?

“Speak of the devil, there he is,” said Tommy as he showed Ellen the text, “He collects fun facts like Pokémon.”

“Yeah. Chainsaws for childbirth. Fun fact,” said Ellen as she may have taken a step back.

TOMMY: Used the chainsaw, huh?

EVAN: The chainsaw has a fascinating history!

“Tommy! Get ready to grab her!” called Melton from above.

Tommy put his phone away, readying for the woman to fall.

“Yeah, got her!” called Tommy.

Tommy waited behind her, listening to Melton and Lucy slowly but surely widen the hole around Mary until – there. Mary screamed as she fell straight into Tommy’s arms. She gazed up at Tommy, stunned.

“Hi,” said Mary, her eyes going everywhere on Tommy, “Want to get a drink with me?”

“He’s got a chainsaw boyfriend,” Ellen said.

“That’s out of context,” Tommy explained as he saw Mary’s face react to Ellen’s comment, “He was just telling me about the history of chainsaws. He’s not hanging out in the woods, waiting to be the next B-movie horror mascot.”

“Got it. Boyfriend. No drinks, then,” said Mary, sounding a little more clear-headed.

Melton and Lucy rushed back into the room with the spineboard.

“Yeah. Sorry about that. Definitely no drinks,” said Tommy as he helped Mary onto the spine board.

“I swear, you’re getting asked out even more now that you’ve got a boyfriend,” said Melton.

“He’s radiating that – ugh – happiness vibe. He’s pulling these people in with the high of the three-month honeymoon period,” said Lucy.

“True. I did get hit on more during that time,” said Melton.

“We’re actually in our fourth month,” said Tommy, and wow, Tommy hadn’t actually thought about that.

Month Four.

Evan would point out that he had two months before he could ask Tommy to move in. Why was that the first thing Tommy thought about when he realized they had been dating for four months?

“Well, I guess this is when things will become more make or break,” said Lucy as all three of them left the apartment with Mary, “You know – when the skeletons get pulled out. When the bad habits start to show.”

“It was around month four when Anderson showed he was a lying prick,” said Mary, “Anderson seemed so great before that.”

There wasn’t anything in Evan’s closet.

Tommy was pretty sure they got through all of those skeletons surprisingly sooner rather than later. And it was hard to imagine that anything was going to beat “Parents had me to use me for parts for my dying brother they never told me about until I was almost thirty”.

Tommy had skeletons, though.

Tommy hadn’t talked fully about his life before Los Angeles.

Hadn’t talked about his time in the military.

Hadn’t even said where he was from.

Evan didn’t ask. Maybe Evan noticed how private Tommy was; maybe he could sense Tommy didn’t want to talk about it.

“Evan’s not the ticking time bomb that’s going to destroy our relationship,” said Tommy as they got into the elevator, “If anyone is going to fuck it all up, it’s going to be me.”

“Cynical as always,” said Melton.

“Yeah. I was having fun with you. Now, it’s just sad,” said Lucy, frowning, “Don’t think about it. I was just teasing you.”

“Yeah, you seem like a good guy,” said Mary as they walked her through the apartment complex lobby and out to the ambulance, “You and chainsaw boyfriend are going to be just fine.”

“Chainsaw boyfriend?” asked Melton, way too excited about that.

“No. It’s nothing,” said Tommy, hating that he showed Ellen his private text now.

Tommy should never gush about his boyfriend’s texts to strangers. Good things had consequences.

“No, it’s something. I’m texting Evan about it,” said Lucy, mischief in her smile.

And that was all good fun.

But Tommy couldn’t help that feeling; the feeling he was going to mess this all up. Tommy could only hide from his past for so long, after all.

*****

Tommy and Eddie circled each other in Tommy’s Muay Thai ring, waiting for the other to make the first punch.

“I’m surprised Buck’s not here,” said Eddie, probably to distract Tommy from the high roundhouse kick Eddie just delivered.

“What, looking for another sprained ankle?” asked Tommy as he caught the kick to the body before striking quickly back with a kick to Eddie’s supporting leg.

Eddie toppled down to the ground with a groan.

“No, you’re just kind of attached to the hip lately,” he said on his back.

Tommy stood above Eddie, looking straight down.

“Oh, I’ll always make time for you, Edmundo.”

And, okay.

Maybe Tommy winked.

Eddie.

Laughed.

Then.

Fanned himself a bit, and yeah, maybe Tommy should stop teasing the guy.

“Damn, you’re insanely smooth. You know that?”

“So, people tell me,” said Tommy as he extended a hand to Eddie, “Plus, Evan’s definitely not ready for an actual spar.”

Tommy chuckled, thinking about the last time he and Evan had a Muay Thai session. Evan was probably the worst Muay Thai fighter Tommy had ever met. Tommy wasn’t sure if that was because Tommy wasn’t a good teacher or Evan kept getting distracted by Tommy or a little of both.

But wow.

They really hadn’t made a lot of progress in the few months they had started Muay Thai practices together.

“Aren’t you teaching Evan Muay Thai right now?” asked Eddie as Eddie reached out and took Tommy’s hand.

Tommy pulled Eddie up to his feet before getting out of the ring to grab his water bottle. Tommy took a long drink of water.

“I am. It’s a little, uh. Slow going.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow.

“Buck keeps interrupting things?”

Tommy was not going to think about all the things Evan did to keep interrupting the sessions.

“Muay Thai is a very tactile sport,” said Tommy, and that felt like a good compromise.

Eddie looked at Tommy. Tommy kept drinking his water.

“Okay, no, I don’t need to know any more details,” said Eddie, raising his hands, “But you two, uh. You two seem to be doing pretty well, huh?”

Were they?

Tommy liked where he was. He liked being with Evan. He was pretty sure Evan did too, but it felt like jinxing it if he allowed himself to believe that.

“I think so.”

“You think so?”

“I’d have to check with Evan, of course.”

“Oh, of course – no. You don’t. You should probably know how your own relationship is going. Be confident, you know?”

“I can be confident about a lot of things. Relationships aren’t exactly one of them.”

“You know what – simple solution,” said Eddie as he got out of the ring, heading over to his bag; he pulled out his phone and began to text something, “I’ll ask Buck.”

“What? No. You don’t have to do that.”

“Too late. Sent,” said Eddie.

Tommy froze.

He felt a sense of dread creeping into every corner of his being, because – what if Evan wasn’t happy with him? What if Tommy was actually the worst boyfriend in the world? What if he had been too clingy or overstepped too much? What if this was the moment that everyone kept talking about, the end of the honeymoon era of this relationship?

Ding.

Tommy jumped at that.

Eddie laughed a little bitterly, showing Tommy his phone.

“Well. Would you look at that?”

EDDIE: So? How’s it going with Tommy?

BUCK: Better than whatever’s happening with you and Marisol

Tommy laughed.

“Cruel,” said Eddie, “Your boyfriend is cruel.”

“He’s your best friend,” said Tommy as he handed Eddie back his phone, “You set yourself up for that, though.”

“You too?”

“Oh no, this isn’t the Tommy Gives Out Advice That’s Completely Ignored hour, this is the Tommy Gets to Spar with Someone Who Won’t Distract Him by Taking Off His Shirt hour.”

“You’re telling me I don’t distract you with my miraculous muscles?” asked Eddie as he flexed, “Keep in mind my ego has been bruised by Buck.”

 “A little. But not enough to throw a fight.”

“I hate you both.”

“Pretty sure you love us.”

“No. Hate. Infinite hate,” said Eddie as he got back in the ring, “Now are we finishing this or what?”

Tommy placed his water bottle down, taking up the challenge.

*****

Maddie opened the door, beaming.

“Tommy! Thanks for dropping by,” said Maddie as she ushered Tommy in, “We won’t hold you up for too long. Let me go get Buck’s jacket.”

Tommy had offered to get Evan’s jacket on the way to Evan’s loft when Evan had talked about leaving it at his sister’s place. Tommy didn’t mind. He liked their home.

It was a good home.

Kind.

And warm.

Cluttered in the way a happy home usually was.

“Tommy?” called Chimney from the kitchen.

“Yeah, it’s me,” said Tommy as he walked over to find Chimney washing dishes, “Just here to pick up Evan’s jacket.”

“Always good to see you,” aid Chimney, “Though, I guess we were going to see each other soon enough, with the ceremony coming up.”

Tommy frowned.

He knew it was coming up at the end of the week, but… he couldn’t find it in himself to be at ease with that. There was an apprehension that he couldn’t shake off.

“What’s up with you? Still being weird about the ceremony?” asked Chimney as he turned off the faucet, “Why are you so down about this?”

And.

It was paranoia.

Tommy knew it sounded paranoid.

But all the same, Tommy couldn’t help but say, “Captains.”

“What?”

“Any fire captain who would like to go to a medal of honor ceremony is allowed to be there. Allowed to sit on the stage. All of them.”

Tommy stared straight into Chimney’s eyes.

“All of them,” Tommy repeated.

The idea sat heavy on Tommy’s chest, like a sleep paralysis demon. It settled there ever since he had gotten his letter inviting him to the medal ceremony. He hated that this was where his mind went, but it always went there.

Worst possible scenario.

And Chimney seemed to understand after Tommy’s emphasis on all.

“You really think… ?” Chimney asked, and he probably hadn’t thought of it as an option.

No.

Chimney was normal.

He didn’t find himself spiraling whenever good things happened to him.

And Tommy didn’t want to speak the idea into reality, but he did whisper back, “Why wouldn’t he? The man is a petty bastard.”

Chimney took one, long deep breath. He thought about it. Because if anyone knew how petty Gerrard was, it was Chimney. Chimney seemed to come to some conclusion about what to do, though.

“Even if he is there, we’re still getting medals. And what’s a better victory than not caring if he’s there if he’s hypothetically there?”

Tommy wanted to believe that.

He wanted to believe that so badly.

He felt so selfish even feeling this way. He wasn’t the one who was treated the worst by the man. But every time he thought about Gerrard being there, watching him get that medal, he felt a panic attack coming on.

He felt himself shrink.

Grow into that small, terrified twenty-one-year-old who was perpetually taunted by a man way higher up on the firefighter food chain.

But he wanted to believe Chimney’s words.

“Yeah,” said Tommy, “Maybe.”

“He’s probably not going to be there,” said Chimney with a shrug, “Hopefully, he drops dead the day of. Nice cherry on top to a great day.”

Tommy snorted.

“Yeah, hopefully,” said Tommy.

“Got the jacket,” said Maddie as she joined them in the kitchen, “Jee’s been stealing Buck’s jackets and shoes to try to stop Uncle Buck from leaving. It’s cute, but she’s also gotten very good at hiding things.”

Tommy melted at that; Jee trying to get her uncle to stay longer. Tommy took the leather jacket from Maddie.

“I can relate. Things are always better with Evan around.”

“Speaking of which, we should probably let you get on back to him,” said Maddie as she gave Tommy a hug, “Always good to see you.”

“It is,” said Chimney as he gave Tommy a hug too, “Seriously. Stop being a downer. At least for Buck.”

Tommy sighed.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay, I’ll try,” said Tommy as he left with Evan’s jacket.

*****

“I’m home,” Tommy said without a thought as he opened the door to the loft and held out the twenty-nineteen Fireman’s Calendar and Evan’s jacket, “The jacket and calendar, as requested.”

Tommy could hear the middle of “The Promise” by When in Rome playing, the song crooning, “I’m sorry, but I’m thinking of the right words to say (I promise); I know they don’t sound the way I planned the to be (I promise you); But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me (I promise you); I promise, I promise you.”

Evan was in his apron, staring down two grilled chicken breasts as if he could tell if it was perfect just by eyes alone. He seemed satisfied enough with the chicken as he turned Tommy’s way, all smiles.

“Aw, I told you, you didn’t have to get them tonight if you didn’t want to,” said Evan as he walked over and pulled Tommy in for a hug, “Your place and Maddie’s place are on opposite sides of Los Angeles. Neither of you is all that close to me.”

“I know. But I wanted to. Besides. I like driving,” said Tommy as he set aside the items.

It really wasn’t that big of a deal.

He liked doing things for Evan.

“I still can’t believe you gave Bobby a lasagna,” said Evan as he walked back to the grilled chicken breasts and began chopping them, probably to place in the large salad he had already begun to construct for them both, “I got photos of it. Texts.”

“So? What’s the verdict?” asked Tommy curiously.

And then.

Suddenly nervously.

Because.

The man was basically Evan’s dad, what was Tommy thinking? Bringing a gourmet chef like Bobby Nash his freewheeling lasagna.

“He wants the recipe?” said Evan, a little stunned himself.

“What.”

“Yeah, he asked for it. And I said that you suck at giving recipes, so he might as well have you show him how to make it and he told me to set that up.”

“There’s no way he said that. Also, I can’t teach Bobby how to cook that’s – something’s wrong with the world if I’m teaching him something about cooking.”

“Relax. You impressed him. That’s a good thing,” said Evan as the song changed to something slower.

Evan moved close to Tommy, pulling him into a dance.

“Come on. Relax.”

A slow dance.

“Well. You do owe me a dance.”

Evan smiled.

“Yeah,” Evan said softly, “I do, don’t I?”

Tommy let out a shaky breath; allowed Evan to lead as they danced. Tommy let himself get lost in this; in the swaying of their bodies; in Evan’s eyes.

And maybe Tommy had been overthinking everything.

Maybe it was okay if Bobby wanted to show a gesture of acceptance by asking about the lasagna.

Maybe the medal ceremony would just be that – a celebration.

Maybe good things happened.

They had to sometimes, right?

Tommy wasn’t sure how else to explain Evan slow dancing with him if not for the idea that sometimes, good things just happened. Much like how bad things just happened.

And Tommy wondered if he should be looking for good things for a change.

“Thank you,” whispered Tommy.

“For what?” asked Evan.

“For being you.”

And they just kept slow dancing, even as the song changed; the both of them laughing at the fact that they were now slow dancing to “Scrubs” by TLC.

Chapter Text

Tommy felt antsy.

Like he was about to crawl out of his own skin.

Like he was going to burst into a million little ants that would skitter away.

Like he was barely solid.

Something about this, about this day, the ceremony – Tommy didn’t know. He just had this bad feeling. He knew it was illogical. He should be excited about this. He should be happy to be awarded at all.

But they were getting medals for being insubordinate. They were being awarded because this would make the chief look good. They weren’t being rewarded for genuine reasons by the city, they were rewarded for being useful pawns in a political game.

What happened when they weren’t useful anymore?

Tommy knew that song and dance. He understood what it was like to need to be useful in order to keep himself afloat. The majority of his life was a struggle to stay useful so that he couldn’t be thrown away. And this was just bringing all that back.

Tommy paced his apartment before grabbing his guitar and sitting down. His fingers played a few chords, aimlessly trying to find their way to a song until his fingers finally struck one.

“Bless my heart, bless my soul; Didn’t think I’d make it to twenty-two years old; There must be someone up above; Sayin’, ‘Come on, Thomas, you got to come on up! You’ve got to hold on; Hey, you’ve got to hold on’!” Tommy sang along with the melody; let himself try to live in “Hold On” by Alabama Shakes for a moment.

It wasn’t quite cathartic. Nothing felt cathartic or all that helpful. But at least it had been distracting until he heard his doorbell.

Tommy stopped playing.

He placed his guitar down neatly on its stand before adjusting his formal uniform and heading to his front door. He opened it to find Evan beaming, holding a bouquet; an explosion of soft oranges, deep reds, and bright yellows that dazzled Tommy for a moment.

“Hey, babe,” said Evan as he went in for a peck on the cheek before walking into the apartment, “I know you said I didn’t have to get you flowers. But you like flowers. Damn. We still haven’t gotten you a vase. You’re just at my place so much and I have a vase, so…”

“Yeah,” said Tommy as he sprang into action, looking for a jar that might double as a vase for now, “We really need to do that at some point. I keep forgetting.”

“Later. We’ve got time,” said Evan with a smile, gingerly moving the flowers into the water-filled jar, “It’s nice to know that we always have something else we need to do.”

“I kind of hope we never finish the list.”

And Evan looked so soft as he said, “Me neither… you know, I’ll be okay if we don’t go to the ceremony.”

Tommy needed to stop that right here and now. Just because Tommy was feeling a lot of things about the ceremony didn’t mean Evan shouldn’t be celebrated. Evan deserved every single award out there.

“No. We’re going. I want to see my boyfriend wearing a ridiculous medal.”

Evan laughed.

“Me too. We’re like award-winning boyfriends. Literally.”

Tommy snorted.

“Evan.”

“We’re being awarded for our meet-cute. How can you not love that?”

“I’m not sure if the city sees it like that.”

“They don’t need to. We know.”

Tommy couldn’t stop looking into Evan’s eyes; they were boundless joy. It made Tommy feel like it was okay. This was going to be okay. Tommy took Evan’s hand. Tommy could hold it here. He and Evan had decided to keep the PDA to a minimum at the professional work event, but Tommy could at least hold Evan’s hand as they walked back down to Evan’s Jeep.

“Oh! Tommy.”

Tommy turned to see an old woman walking out of one of the first-floor apartments – Wanda. She had lived there longer than Tommy had. They didn’t talk much; most of the neighbors at Tommy’s complex didn’t. But Tommy struck up a conversation every once and a while with her. Sometimes catsit for her.

“Hey, Wanda. This is my boyfriend, Evan,” said Tommy politely as Evan grinned and waved.

“Pleasure to meet you,” said Evan as he shook her hand.

“Oh, dear. Pleasure is mine,” said Wanda as she looked from Evan to Tommy, “You both look spiffy. Is it that award ceremony you’re going to?”

“You told your neighbor?” asked Evan excitedly.

“Yeah, I did – we are,” said Tommy as he noticed the bag Wanda was rolling, “Where are you going?”

“My niece, Jessica. Her baby’s premature. She and that boyfriend of hers need all the help they can get,” explained Wanda, “You know how Jessica is. And her boyfriend.”

“Do you?” asked Evan, amused.

Tommy nodded.

“I know, Wanda – Jessica works in tech. Well, Jessica and Adrian technically work in tech, but Adrian is an ‘ideas guy’ and he keeps coming up with these patents that go nowhere,” Tommy explained.

“Oh, if only you weren’t gay. I’d fucking set you up with my Jessica,” bemoaned Wanda in front of Tommy’s boyfriend, a boyfriend who seemed even more engrossed by this whole situation.

“Really?” asked Evan, encouraging this.

“At least Tommy’s not an absolute dingus,” sighed Wanda, “But love is love, I suppose. Jessica chose wrong, but I’ll be there for her. I’m heading over to San Jose to check on them. I was hoping I would catch you – would you be willing to catsit Flompers? I know it’s very last minute, I’ll understand if you can’t.”

“Do you usually catsit Flompers?” asked Evan, clearly invested now.

“Tommy’s a good boy. He usually does when I ask, but I know he might be busy now,” said Wanda as she waved her hand in Evan’s general direction, “Shacking up elsewhere, I assume. Don’t see you back here a lot.”

Which was true.

Tommy did come home, but he must be spending half his week at Evan’s place now.

“I’ll take care of Flompers,” said Tommy.

“Thank you,” said Wanda, “I appreciate it.”

She started to roll her luggage to her car before Evan ran up to her, taking the luggage from her.

“Here, let me,” said Evan as he helped Wanda bring the rolling bag to her car and load it into the back of Wanda’s old Mini Cooper.

“Oh. You’re a good egg too. Why couldn’t Jessica date someone like you?” asked Wanda, “Alas, you’re gay.”

“I’m actually bi, but uh – I’m taken already, so…” said Evan, pointing to Tommy.

“I don’t know what that means. But you’re cute, so it’s okay,” said Wanda as she patted Evan’s cheek, “See you next week, Tommy.”

Tommy and Evan waved as Wanda’s Mini Cooper pulled out of her parking spot in front of her garage and sped off definitely faster than the speed limit.

“Well. She was a character,” said Evan.

“She usually is,” admitted Tommy, “We should probably get to that award ceremony.”

“Let’s.”

Evan grinned as they both headed to his Jeep.

*****

Tommy hated when he was right.

Because.

There he was.

Vincent Gerrard.

Looking smug with all the other captains on stage.

Tommy didn’t bring it up with Hen or Chimney, they all saw him. They all knew. And Tommy was going to do his best not to think about it. Chimney was right; it was best to ignore him.

Tommy could do that.

He could ignore Vincent Gerrard.

“Hey.”

Tommy glanced to his side. Evan smiled at Tommy, elbowing him.

“Hey, yourself,” mumbled Tommy.

“Remember. Eyes on me when you get up there,” Evan whispered.

Tommy wanted to do more; he wanted to hold Evan’s hand; he wanted to kiss him. But it didn’t feel particularly professional to do that in formal uniform at the 118, no less. And maybe they would be okay if he did any of those things. But Tommy wasn’t going to push Evan to do so. There was a difference between holding hands in public off duty and holding hands at a work function, and Tommy wasn’t going to push Evan into anything he wasn’t ready for.

Tommy reached out his hand, though; his pinkie brushed Evan’s. Evan smiled as his pinkie held Tommy’s for a moment before letting go.

“I always have eyes on you, Evan,” murmured Tommy, only loud enough for Evan to hear.

Evan looked away bashfully before Tommy noticed that Chief Simpson was walking up to the podium. The room quieted down as he reached it, holding the attention of all in the room.

“I’m often asked,” Chief Simpson said into the podium mic, “What is it that makes us different? What separates firefighters from ordinary citizens? The answer is simple. We will go where others will not. Today, we honor those members of the LAFD who acted so courageously during the Oceanus Blue cruise ship disaster last March. Acting Captain, Henrietta Wilson…”

Chief Simpson gestured for Hen to come up.

Hen smiled at Howie before she stood up. She turned, waving at her family behind her. And there they all were – Karen, Denny, and Mara. They looked so proud of her. So giddy while clapping for her as she got to the stage; as they watched her get her medal, shake the hand of the chief, and walk to where she was told to stand before the ceremony began.

She deserved that medal.

Not because it looked good for Chief Simpson.

Because she actually did something. Hen would always do something if she knew someone needed her help, even if that meant hijacking a helicopter to find a cruise ship that had fallen off the map. She deserved more than a “You Made Me Look Good” medal, she deserved someone who would give her this honor and knew Hen did the right thing.

“Firefighter Howard Han.”

Howie grinned, turning to wink at his wife before stepping up to receive his reward. He deserved more than this too. He was probably one of the kindest people Tommy knew. He risked everything when he had sided with Hen; had decided to find a way to that cruise ship; had called Tommy to ask if he could help, and the gamble at least paid off.

“Firefighter Pilot, Thomas Kinard.”

Oh.

Right.

It was Tommy’s turn.

Tommy wasn’t sure, when all was said and done, if he deserved his own award as much as the others. Part of why he went was to help, but a huge part of why he came was because Chimney asked. Tommy wouldn’t be there if not for Chimney. Chimney was the first person who made Tommy feel like he was worth anything, no strings attached.

Chimney didn’t put on a face in front of the boy’s club; at least not enough to join it, really. Chimney just did good. When Tommy had passed out that one call inside that building, no one would have come in for Tommy. Tommy barely remembered, but he was pretty sure everyone else at the 118 was mocking them both when Chimney pulled him out of the building.

How could Tommy not risk his life for the man who risked his own for Tommy’s when no one else would?

How could Tommy not hear Chimney’s request and believe it had to be a good cause because Chimney always did the right thing?

And then there was another part of why he had come that had been genuinely selfish. He had wanted to be there for his old friends; he had wanted to feel like he was part of the 118 again, but in this new version of it; the place that became a family without him. Sure, saving the day was part of it, it felt right to go by Hen’s hunch, but he still had all those ulterior motives.

Evan elbowed him, mouthing a, “Eyes on me.”

Tommy snickered as he stood up. He walked up to the podium, avoiding looking at the captains. And as he got his medal and plaque and shook hands with Chief Simpson, he did turn his gaze back to Evan.

Evan sighed in this way Tommy was pretty sure he had only seen whenever Evan hadn’t known Tommy was looking; this contented sigh that made Tommy’s heart skip a beat.

And okay.

Sure.

Tommy was still feeling nerves, but it helped to focus on Evan. He even saw Maddie waving at him. He waved back awkwardly as he walked over to his place right behind Chimney. Tommy glanced down at his plaque and stifled a laugh.

“What?” whispered Hen.

“They put ‘Tommy’ on my plaque,” said Tommy, not sure how that happened.

“They messed it up on the plaque and got your government name right in the speech?” asked Chimney through his smiling teeth, “How’d that happen?”

“No clue,” snickered Tommy, “I kind of like it. It always sounds like someone’s mad at me if they call me Thomas.”

“Firefighter Evan Buckley.”

Evan stood up, all energy; ready to get this award. Tommy could see how excited Evan was; how much he was trying to keep himself calm and cool and collected as he walked up to receive his medal of valor. The way he gave a little nod to Captain Nash, and Nash gave one back to him; the way he grinned widely as he shook Chief Simpson’s hand and turned his gaze to Maddie, to Eddie and Christopher – his family out in the crowd.

Tommy felt the brush of Evan’s hand on his back as Evan walked behind Tommy to get to his position on stage. Tommy glanced Evan’s way, doing his best to keep his smile professional.

Evan just beamed with pride. For his friends; for Tommy; for himself.

And okay, Tommy might have slipped for a moment; let his face crinkle into a big, unbridled smile before he got himself under control.

“Firefighter Edmundo Diaz.”

Eddie stood up, giving a huge smile to Christopher and Marisol before getting his medal and plaque too.

Eddie had received an award before.

In the military.

Tommy could tell from how Eddie took all of this in stride. But Eddie also looked – happy? About this award. Maybe he felt proud of this award. Maybe there wasn’t the baggage that Tommy would presume a medal from the military would bring.

That was nice, at least. Tommy gave Eddie a fist bump before Eddie walked around both Tommy and Evan to get to his place.

“Without their singular tenacity and selflessness, and unmatched skill and teamwork, so many more lives would’ve been lost,” Chief Simpson continued on with his speech, “Firefighters, on behalf of the Los Angeles Fire Department, of the City of Los Angeles, we thank you.”

The crowd went wild. Tommy wasn’t sure if he liked crowds all that much. He felt a little overwhelmed with all those eyes on him. But he liked how vocal they were for every single one of the people on this stage other than himself. Tommy could live with a crowd if it meant everyone else got this recognition.

“But we’re not quite done. The quality of teamwork displayed here is a reflection not only of each individual’s dedication, but the leadership of Captain Robert Nash. Captain Nash, for your outstanding service and leadership, in and out of uniform, the Los Angeles Fire Department would like to honor you with this Medal of Valor,” said Chief Simpson as he gestured for Captain Nash to come over, “Captain?”

Captain Nash.

Didn’t stand up.

And Tommy could see it in Bobby’s face; he knew the feeling reeling around in Bobby’s mind.

Unworthiness.

Did Tommy look like that whenever he felt like that?

It was heartbreaking to think that Bobby didn’t think he deserved something like this.  Even when Tommy was still at the 118, Bobby did whatever he could to make it a better place; to inspire people to be better.

Of course he should get a medal too.

But Bobby took a beat as the chief held the medal awkwardly. Finally, Bobby stood up, and he looked lost even though the podium was only a few feet away. He didn’t look all that happy as Chief Simpson tried to place the medal over his head too.

“Oh, uh, how about if I just hang onto it?” asked Bobby, obviously uncomfortable, which made Tommy wonder if they had even asked if Nash wanted to be recognized like this.

Though.

This was all for good PR.

They were probably assuming everyone would want a medal if given the opportunity.

Chief Simpson didn’t look necessarily pleased with Bobby’s request. A tight smile strained on Simpson’s face as he merely handed the medal to Bobby, not getting the last moment of good PR he wanted.

If Tommy was Chief Simpson, he wouldn’t have left Bobby up on stage to try to force an impromptu speech out of him, but maybe that was more because Tommy understood how Bobby was feeling. It could have been sabotage, but no, Tommy bet it was Simpson thinking everyone would like to look nice on camera and give a rousing speech.

Bobby did not look like he had a rousing speech in him.

Evan, for his part, looked ecstatic for Bobby. Tommy could understand that. And Tommy prayed that whatever Bobby was about to say wouldn’t be as self-deprecating or self-destructive as Tommy would say if placed in the same position.

Bobby.

Cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Um…” Bobby started, and yeah, Chief Simpson had just placed this man up there to sink or swim in the limelight, “This isn’t the first time these people have pulled me out of the drink. In more ways than one. Not sure why I deserve a medal for it. In my opinion, you got it right the first five times.”

What did that even mean? It wasn’t as bad as Tommy anticipated, but it was still a bit of a strange speech. People applauded it anyway, because what else was there to do?

*****

“Hey,” said Tommy as he walked up to Hen and her family, awkwardly waving.

They seemed so happy, there in their little world together at their table. It felt almost wrong to interrupt. But Tommy did want to say hi to Karen and he did want to congratulate Hen again. So, he supposed it was okay.

“Tommy, hey,” said Karen as she stood up and hugged Tommy, “Congratulations on the Medal of Valor.”

“It was all your wife, really,” said Tommy as he gave Hen a hug as well, “I just flew a helicopter when asked. Congratulations on your medal too, Hen. You were acting captain at the time?”

“Yeah, I was,” said Hen, nodding, “I hadn’t told you?”

“I think we were a little busy with the weather. Finding the cruise ship,” said Tommy with a shrug, “That suits you, though. I always thought you’d be a great captain.”

Hen perked up.

“Really?” asked Hen.

“Please. Don’t feed the ego during a ceremony in her honor,” said Karen.

Tommy laughed.

“I am serious. You always were great at taking charge and leading people. You always have good instincts,” continued Tommy, “You’d be an amazing permanent captain somewhere if you ever decided to go that route.”

“Thank you,” said Hen, a little surprised, before they all remembered that maybe Tommy should introduce himself to their kids, “Denny, do you remember – ?”

“Tommy? Yeah,” said Denny, smiling as he stood up, “I remember him.”

Now it was Tommy’s turn to be surprised.

“You do?” asked Tommy curiously.

Denny was pretty young when Tommy left the 118. He wouldn’t have blamed Denny if Denny didn’t remember him.

“Yeah. You used to let me do flips off of you. You were cool,” said Denny excitedly.

Tommy grinned.

“What can I say? I’ve got muscles. Kids like acrobatics. It’s something I can do,” said Tommy, happy he made an impression.

“This is my sister, Mara,” said Denny as Mara stood up at Denny’s behest, “We’re adopting her soon.”

Tommy’s heart melted.

She was as adorable in person as she was in photos. He had heard a lot about the problems Mara went through before she met Hen and Karen. She seemed so happy.

Tommy bent down to her height and extended his hand.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Mara,” said Tommy.

She smiled, shaking it. Tommy made the handshake more exaggerated. Mara laughed despite herself.

“Did you really fly into a hurricane and land on a capsized ship?” asked Mara.

“Want to take a ride in the helicopter I used to do it?” asked Tommy, looking from Mara to Denny, “Both of you. If your moms are okay with that, of course. I don’t want to overstep. And obviously not today. But I’ve taken a lot of folks up in the air before.”

Denny and Mara turned their attention to Hen and Karen.

“We’ll see once we’re finished with all the adoption paperwork,” said Karen as she tampered down a smile because she definitely wanted to go up in the air too.

Karen was the good cop out of her and Hen, Tommy just knew it.

“Don’t you already have someone to offer helicopter flights to?” asked Hen, a little faux-exasperated.

“Yeah, I should probably go find him,” said Tommy as he scanned the crowd, “It was good seeing you all. And congratulations again.”

Tommy waved goodbye to the Wilson family, looking for where he should go next.

Chimney and Maddie were dancing. Tommy wasn’t going to interrupt their dancing.

Then, he saw Evan talking to Eddie, Marisol, and Christopher. Tommy found himself gravitating over to them.

They all, like everyone else, seemed to be in their own happy bubble. Tommy wondered what it meant that he was just there; flittering from happy family to happy family. And he stopped himself from thinking that he was some sort of scavenger for love; some vulture picking at whatever scraps were left on the edges of these families.

Because.

He needed to stop thinking that way.

He needed to for his own sake.

And he wasn’t sure if he completely believed that he wasn’t some love vulture, but he needed to fake it ‘til he made it, because he wanted to not be that. He wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, he had a place here too.

That he belonged.

“Tommy!” Christopher said, spotting Tommy first as he walked up.

And.

What did he do with his boyfriend in a professional setting like this? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t going to push it. He gave Evan a half hug; familiar, but with enough deniability to be friendly.

Evan just looked at Tommy like he hung the moon.

And Tommy hadn’t.

But all the same, he couldn’t stop staring at Evan after Evan, once again, breathed out a contented sigh.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” said Tommy, a little lost in Evan’s eyes.

“Tommy!” said Marisol excitedly, “I was just congratulating Eddie and Buck on the helicopter rescue – congratulations too. You all did something so brave.”

Things at the Diaz table felt calm.

A little too calm. And cheery.

Tommy wondered if it was just that paranoia creeping up again; that anxiety that something bad was bound to happen today, but it felt as if this was the calm before the storm. Or perhaps the eye of the hurricane before worse came rolling back.

He didn’t know what Eddie and Marisol were going to do.

They weren’t working.

They were happy at this moment, in public, at the medal ceremony.

But Tommy was very sure this was all going to end in catastrophe if they didn’t admit to each other that something wasn’t working and either worked to fix it or break this all off. And Tommy hated thinking that because he was friends with both of them, but maybe it was because he was friends with both of them that he wanted them to have healthier love lives.

Separate healthier love lives.

Tommy wasn’t going to comment on it, though.

This was a good day. Nothing wrong had happened so far. Tommy had to believe that this was all going to be fine.

“Thank you,” said Tommy, trying his best to believe he earned this because he really didn’t want to have a Bobby moment in front of all these people he loved and make everything feel a little awkward, “I, uh. I guess I did help them out.”

He did.

Tommy helped out.

He was a good pilot and he helped out, no matter the underlying motivations.

“Hey. You finally admitted it,” said Eddie smiling, “Good for you.”

Was it good for Tommy?

Tommy needed to stop asking himself what was good for him, he needed to start believing things were good.

“Yeah. Good for me,” said Tommy, and that came off way drier than Tommy meant it to; Tommy tried to turn it around, smiling at Christopher as he added, “You should have seen your father and Buck. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone that quick helping people out of a sinking ship.”

“I know they’re great,” said Christopher confidently, “I know you were great too. I’m really happy Dad met you then. He kind of needed another friend.”

“Hey,” said Evan, a little offended.

But it was.

It was nice.

To be wanted.

Tommy felt like he was wanted here. He didn’t know what to do with that. He didn’t know what to do with his hands.

“To be honest, I needed a friend too. So, it was good for both of us,” said Tommy as his eyes accidentally locked.

With Vincent Gerrard.

It wasn’t a coldness. No. There was something almost mocking behind the eyes; like Gerrard had been waiting patiently for the opportunity and that made whatever might happen today all the more sweeter for him.

Tommy tensed.

He knew he tensed.

He knew he flinched.

He knew he had done something in Gerrard’s favor, something that told Gerrard that yes, Tommy was still a weak link; he was still an easy target. Because Tommy?

Saw the man smirk.

Tommy flinched again when he felt Evan’s hand on his arm shake him a bit.

“ – ommy? … Tommy?” said Evan quietly, and Tommy knew Evan was keeping his voice level, but there was a little panic in his eyes.

There was a silent question – What was that?

No.

Tommy.

Tommy was trying to be hopeful today. Yet, all the same, he felt that sense of dread come back like a tsunami crashing him into debris.

Tommy needed a distraction.

The buffet.

“Hey, uh. Sorry. I – I’m getting a little hungry, so I’m going to get some food,” said Tommy, and he could tell by the weird looks he was getting that he must have missed a chunk of the conversation when he lost that staring contest to Gerrard, “I’ll be back in a second.”

Tommy detached himself from the happy family, only for – only for Evan to follow him.

“What?” said Evan, practically the sun incarnate with how much he was grinning and bouncing on his feet, “I’m hungry too.”

Tommy laughed.

“I’m not the food police. You can come if you want.”

“Oh, I plan on it.”

The two of them picked up plates, beginning their walk down the buffet line. Evan couldn’t stop smiling and looking at his medal.

“Man, isn’t it crazy?” asked Evan, “We thought we were gonna get fired. And instead, we all got medals.”

And Tommy didn’t mean to say it out loud, but it came out.

“Enjoy it while it lasts.”

Because that feeling was getting to him. All he could feel was Gerrard staring at him. Because Gerrard found what he wanted, he found someone who was going to break. He was circling Tommy like a shark, Tommy just knew it.

No.

That was paranoia.

That was anxiety.

Maybe Gerrard was happy enough making Tommy flinch. He’ll probably make fun of Tommy like some high school asshat at his firehouse tomorrow.

Yeah.

Maybe that was enough for Gerrard. Tommy was okay with being the sacrificial lamb if it meant he was the only one who got hit by psychic damage Vincent Gerrard was giving out today.

“That’s my motto,” Ravi agreed casually, either not reading Tommy’s doom and gloom or not caring about it.

Evan and Tommy watched Ravi pile food on his plate like it was going out of style.

“Hey, Ravi,” Evan pointed out, “You know you don’t have to eat everything at the buffet, right?”

Ravi stared Evan dead in the eyes.

“Why else would I be here on my day off?” Ravi said before he took a big bite of chicken.

Evan and Tommy.

Both chuckled.

And Tommy didn’t feel exactly great, but he did feel a little better after that.

“So, that’s him, huh?” asked Evan, “That’s your old Cap?”

Tommy reluctantly turned. Gerrard, of course, was talking to Chief Simpson. Tommy at least didn’t flinch when Gerrard glanced in their general direction.

“Yeah, that’s Gerrard.”

“The way you guys talk about him, I assumed he was dead.”

Oh.

Evan hadn’t been there for any of the I wish he was dead and death fantasies, had he? Tommy did feel a little bit more better when he saw Chimney walking their way.

“Only in our hearts,” said Chimney.

Tommy stifled a smile.

Because.

If only.

“Kinard.”

Tommy hadn’t heard that voice in almost fifteen years, but he felt back there; constantly waiting for the next loaded gesture or comment. Waiting to be proven right that no one wanted him there or would help him.

Tommy didn’t want to look up.

But he had to.

He had to at least face the guy.

“I thought you transferred out of here,” said Gerrard.

And this felt familiar.

It felt like Gerrard was setting Tommy up for it; some punchline at Tommy’s expense. Tommy didn’t know what to do about that. He barely knew what he was saying back.

“Five years ago,” Tommy was pretty sure he said, “I’ve been at Harbor Station ever since.”

Which wasn’t right. Tommy had been there for seven. Tommy wondered if that would be what Gerrard would hook into, but it seemed as though Gerrard hadn’t really cared much for the accuracy as long as Tommy got him to the right place for his joke.

“That’s right, I heard you got your wings,” said Gerrard as he made a little flapping wing gesture with his hands; raised an eyebrow.

Fairy.

Faggot, really.

But fairy.

Oh.

Oh, so Tommy was really back there again.

This was how it felt.

So strange.

So familiar.

Tommy had forgotten most of his life had felt like this. Except he didn’t have the armor he used to have. It felt bizarre to feel his shields creep back up.

It sucked.

Because he could see that Gerrard knew he had hurt him. Tommy wasn’t hiding it as well as he used to.

Fuck.

He was supposed to be ignoring this bastard.

“You know, it’s good to see you haven’t changed at all, Cap,” said Chimney as he stepped up.

Tommy followed suit as well as Evan. Because even if Tommy was having an emotional flashback to his time under the man, he was always going to back Chimney up.

“It’s good to see you didn’t forget your training, Han,” sneered Gerrard, “These floors are nice and shiny.”

“You taught me right,” said Chimney smoothly, “Whenever I see some filth, I think of you.”

Chimney walked past Gerrard like he was nothing. Because Gerrard was nothing. Just a sad, pitiful man who had spotted Tommy and expected some easy torture out of him, and possibly Howie.

Evan walked past Gerrard next, unnecessarily diagonal in a way that – that felt protective. And Tommy should have known his boyfriend would be protective. It was – it was new to think that someone would want to protect him.

Tommy wasn’t as strong as Chimney. Fuck, Tommy was a coward. He wasn’t as strong as Evan. Evan looked like he was ready to square up if Gerrard said anything more. But Tommy was finding some sea legs. He walked past Gerrard, keeping the man’s gaze. He didn’t flinch when he walked past his old captain.

Next time.

Next time, Tommy was going to be better. He had to be. Not just for his own sake, but for Evan’s sake; for Chimney and Hen’s sake. Tommy wasn’t going to be a coward anymore.

“I’ll say something next time,” said Tommy, locking eyes with Chimney.

“Yeah. You better. That guy deserves a piece of your mind too,” said Chimney as he took a sip of his wine, “Give a dry remark next time. You’re good at those.”

Tommy was so tired of giving in to sadness.

Giving into cowardice and fear and apprehension.

He was tired of all the horrible shit that kept pulling him down. This wasn’t a way to live. This wasn’t a way to be a friend. This wasn’t a way to be.

Fuck it.

Tommy was going to focus on what made him happy.

“Yeah,” said Tommy, “I’ll do that.”

“Are you good, Chim? That was…” said Evan, and Evan didn’t look like he knew what to make of Gerrard.

“Vincent Gerrard,” said Chimney, finishing up the rest of his wine, “I’m just happy I got a good line at him. Fuck that guy.”

“Right,” said Evan, “I’m not sure what I expected.”

“You think that’s bad, imagine working with that asshole on twenty-four-hour shifts for years on end,” scoffed Chimney, “You have no idea how good we have it with Bobby.”

“Still… it wasn’t good to see him again,” said Tommy, “Are you okay?”

Tommy and Chimney exchanged a look. A thoughtful look that only came with years of seeing what the other went through to some extent.

“Ask me again later,” said Chimney, “I don’t want to think about that creep for another second. He does not deserve the time of day.”

“Hey, uh. Can I steal Tommy for one second?” asked Evan, like he needed to ask.

Tommy and Howie glanced at each other.

“Sure. You have my permission?” said Howie.

“… We’ll meet back up in a bit,” said Tommy, not sure what was happening.

Tommy waved goodbye to Chimney as Evan pulled him outside where they were alone.

And.

Evan didn’t talk at first. He paced a bit. Maybe he was figuring out what to say. Tommy didn’t rush Evan. He ate his salad as he watched his boyfriend collect whatever thoughts he was trying to put into words.

Finally, Evan asked, “Those were the kind of ‘jokes’ he made about you?”

Tommy shrugged.

“Sometimes, they were lazier. But yeah, he’d usually set me up for something like that. It’s – it’s the past. I’m fine now.”

Evan looked at Tommy like he had grown a second head.

“It’s not really the past when he just did it.”

Tommy sighed.

“What are you going to do? Report him? For an incident that happened for maybe less than a minute? At a party where a majority of the top brass is going to side with him?”

Evan deflated.

Because.

He wasn’t sure either, it looked like.

There was pent-up panic in there; anger. Tommy knew the feeling a bit. Like being sideswiped. Despite a lifetime of looking for it, a lot of the time, homophobia tended to hit Tommy with a gut punch when he least expected it.

“I didn’t think people actually still did shit like that,” said Evan honestly.

Tommy wished Evan still thought that. Despite his own worries that someone would see them, Tommy placed a hand on Evan’s arm. Evan didn’t flinch. He didn’t back away, terrified at the consequences of someone interpreting the gesture correctly.

Evan leaned into it.

And Tommy really hoped Evan didn’t learn to stop leaning into a boyfriend’s touch in public like Tommy had; that Evan never had to.

“I hadn’t seen that man in almost fifteen years. Things like that happened to me before Gerrard. They happened to me after Gerrard. They will happen again. It’s not okay, but it happens.”

Tommy was a weak link, but he wasn’t the type of guy Gerrard really liked to see squirm. Tommy was probably too easy of prey – an appetizer to the main fucked up torture course.

“If you think what he did to me was bad, it wasn’t his worst. Not by a long shot. We really should check on Chimney again. And Hen. God, I hope Gerrard didn’t walk up to Hen and her family. He was usually too much of a coward to walk near Hen whenever Karen was there.”

Not that Chimney or Hen couldn’t take care of themselves, but it never hurt to have more people supporting you around you.

“Yeah, Hen wasn’t with us then. What if he does walk up to her and her family? We got to check on them. Power in numbers, right?” said Evan, gesturing for Tommy to come with him, “Gotta support Hen too.”

It was kind of cute seeing how protective Evan was being. It was a little terrifying too. It made Tommy worry about Evan. But it was good that Evan’s first reaction to all of this was to make sure everyone was okay. It was part of what Tommy liked about Evan.

Tommy followed Evan, feeling… hopeful.

Strangely hopeful.

That despite that shitty moment, things were going to be okay.

“Hey, for Mar-Singy’s later, I want to book us a song,” said Tommy as he pulled out his phone, “Would that be okay?”

Evan seemed pulled out of his uncharacteristically shaken mood from that question.

“What?”

“Mar-Singy’s. Would you like to sing a duet?”

“Oh,” said Evan, as if only remembering they were going there afterward now, “Yeah. I’m good with that. What song?”

Tommy smiled.

“Dunno. Something fun, probably. Marcy and Nora usually choose something for me. I’ll send them an idea of what I want and they pull through every time.”

Evan relaxed a bit. Tommy was glad Evan was relaxing again.

“I’ll trust our song choice to Marcy and Nora, then.”

“They’re great,” said Tommy, texting Marcy and Nora about the duet before putting his phone back in his pocket, “Today’s been great. Don’t let Gerrard ruin it for you.”

Evan.

Nodded.

“Yeah,” said Evan, not quite smiling, but getting back there, “It has been.”

They walked back inside, looking for Hen and her family.

*****

“Wow,” said Marcy as she looked at the crowd of people Tommy had brought in, “I need you to come more when the kitchen is open. I didn’t know you knew this many people.”

Mar-Singy’s, while mostly just a bar bar when karaoke trivia happened, was technically a restaurant until eight o’clock in the evening. So, as long as the kids didn’t sit at the bar, everyone was welcome; Bobby and Athena had left early before Evan and Tommy could invite them, but Maddie and Chimney were there; Eddie, Marisol, and Chris; Karen, Hen, Denny, and Mara; even Ravi.

It wasn’t the entire family at the 118, but it was most of them.

And Tommy.

Tommy was part of it.

He was.

He wasn’t used to thinking that, but he was doing his best to trust that.

“I think I’ve kind of been adopted into a found family?” Tommy said.

“Well. I’ve seen some of them around. The others seem like good folks,” said Marcy as she looked over the order Tommy brought her and started writing it all down in shorthand, “I’m proud of you.”

“Proud of me?”

“Yeah, you. Five months ago, you were alone. You came here alone for years. And then you brought that cute friend of yours. Then your boyfriend and that girl. You brought his sister and her husband. You’re not alone anymore. I’m glad you’ve got people in your corner that aren’t just Nora and me.”

Tommy laughed.

“Yeah, I guess – I guess you were in my corner.”

“I met you when you were this muscular,” said Marcy pinching her fingers together, “A little baby gay who didn’t know how to be comfortable here. And now you’re a fucking wall with a boyfriend with abs of steel and ten other people here to back you up.”

Tommy hadn’t counted.

Huh.

She was right.

“I’m not sure if I would have come out without you and Nora,” said Tommy honestly, “You aren’t the only factor, but having a place like this? That was kind to me when I was coming to terms with myself? I could never thank either of you enough.”

“Just have a good life, Tommy. That’s all we need from you.”

“And for me to pick up the tab.”

“Not tonight, kid. Celebrate. You’re a hero.”

Tommy smiled.

“Thank you,” said Tommy quietly.

“Now, go back to your friends. Have fun.”

Tommy nodded as he began to go through the sea of the afternoon crowd.

Until.

“Hey! Tommy!”

Tommy almost ran into a table.

“Sal?” blurted Tommy, not sure if he was hallucinating.

Was this Tommy’s mental break? Had trying to see the good in things been too much on Tommy’s mind?

Sal, for his part, looked a little uncomfortable. Even as a figment of Tommy’s imagination, Tommy supposed Sal would be awkward at a gay bar.

“Yeah, I. Uh. Bumped into Evan or Buck or whatever at the store again,” Sal explained, “Said something about this, since I was busy during the ceremony. Just wanted to congratulate you. You’re a good guy and you – you deserve this.”

Huh.

Was this real Sal?

Why hadn’t Evan told Tommy that he bumped into Sal?

“Thanks, man,” said Tommy.

Sal smiled. And it felt like those moments where Sal was one of the better people Tommy had known.

“Shit. I gotta go congratulate everyone else too,” said Sal, as he spotted the table, “But yeah. Fucking flying into a hurricane and landing on a capsized ship. What a badass thing to do.”

Tommy laughed.

“I know, right?” said Tommy, owning it as Sal made his way to the several tables the 118 had pushed together.

Tommy felt his phone buzz.

Oh.

Okay, it was time for the duet. Tommy scanned the crowd, finding Evan walking into the bar – he must have finally found parking. Tommy walked over to him, grabbing Evan’s hand.

“Hey. It’s our turn up on stage,” said Tommy.

Evan grinned, and his smile was dazzling; absolutely breathtaking.

The two of them swerve through the people, finding their way to the stage where Nora set up the mics.

“Looking dapper this afternoon,” said Nora thoughtfully, “Nice medal.”

“Thanks. I’m not sure if I’ll ever take mine off,” said Evan, looking down at his medal again giddily.

“Congratulations on the medals of valor!” called out that random someone from out in the crowd.

“What? No asking us to take our shirts off?” Evan called back, a little confused.

“No, you look hot in formal uniforms!” that random someone yelled, which wasn’t what Tommy was expecting, but it was a nice change of pace.

“What song did you choose?” asked Tommy curiously.

“Oh. You’ll see,” said Nora as she ushered them to the microphones.

Tommy and Evan looked at the karaoke screen.

“Any Way You Want It” by Journey.

Tommy and Evan grinned, both singing, "Any way you want it; That’s the way you need it; any way you want it!”

“He loves to laugh; He loves to sing; he does everything,” sang Tommy.

“He loves to move; He loves to move; He loves the loving things,” Evan sang back.

“Ooh, all night; All night; Oh, every night!”

“So hold tight; Hold tight; Ooh, baby, hold tight; Oh, he said – ”

“Any way you want it; That’s the way you need it; Any way you want it! He said, any way you want it; That’s the way you need it; Any way you want it!” they sang together and it – it was upbeat.

It was perfect.

And Tommy was lost in the fun; lost in Evan’s smile; lost in this feeling that maybe things might actually be okay for once. Maybe this could be his life. Friends. Loved ones. A boyfriend who could one day be even more than that.

Tommy wanted to believe.

He wanted this.

It was in his grasp.

And he may very well take it.

Chapter Text

Tommy couldn’t stop smiling.

It was a photo.

A photo of Evan in an apron pointing at the family lunch he had made for the 118.

EVAN: HE SAID MY WORK HERE IS DONE

EVAN: I MADE BOBBY PROUD

Tommy couldn’t help but melt at all of this. Tommy knew that cooking was a thing Evan loved. Evan was good at it. Evan would say offhandedly that Bobby had taught him most of what he knew, that he would have never been the cook he was without Bobby.

And Bobby had just approved of Evan in a way that Evan never expected.

Not that it was never coming.

Tommy knew that Bobby would tell something to Evan eventually, Evan was a great chef protégé. Evan deserved all the praise that could be given for his dishes. Tommy had eaten enough of Evan’s food to know that.

But Tommy could understand how special it was to be praised, especially by someone who you respect so much.

TOMMY: That’s amazing

EVAN: Going to make this for you at some point

EVAN: Want it tonight?

TOMMY: What? No. My place. I cook for you at my place

EVAN: So, what? Lasagna?

Tommy laughed.

TOMMY: Look, I know a few other dishes, okay? Let me cook for you

EVAN: If you need any pointers, I’ll be there

EVAN: Watching your butt

EVAN: As you cook

TOMMY: EVAN

TOMMY: You’re ridiculous

EVAN: No, I just like your butt

EVAN: Another call, gotta go!

EVAN: See you tomorrow!!

TOMMY: See you! And again, you really don’t need to hang out with me. It’s just catsitting

EVAN: Like I wouldn’t go to your place to watch you read a phonebook

EVAN: See you then

TOMMY: I’ll get the phonebook prepared just for you

Tommy chuckled, putting his phone away before he got onto the chopper.

“What the hell, you got a medal of valor?” yelled Lucy as she looked down at her phone, “Why didn’t you tell us?”

Tommy blinked as he prepped the helicopter for takeoff.

“Yeah,” said Melton as he angrily put his seatbelt on, “Why didn’t you tell us? Show me the pic, Luce.”

Lucy gave Melton the phone. Melton looked a gawk.

“There’s a whole series of photos about this,” said Melton, sounding betrayed, “Your boyfriend took so many photos of you both.”

“Evan does like a good selfie,” said Tommy with a shrug.

“That’s not – that’s not the point, though. Wow. This picture he took of your ass is… why did you let him post this?” said Lucy as she showed a zoomed-in ass shot while Tommy was in formal uniform with the caption Maybe the real medal is the butt attached to the boyfriend you met along the way, “Never mind. It’s not about the butt photo.”

“I didn’t even know he put that on there,” said Tommy, a little amused, “It’s a good shot of my ass.”

“It’s not about the artistically shot butt photo that he randomly filtered with Juno,” said Melton, “It’s about the fact that you didn’t even give us the option to support you at the award ceremony.”

“I didn’t think you would be interested,” said Tommy truthfully.

It wasn’t as if they really hung out outside of work besides the time Eddie threw that surprise party for Tommy. They didn’t really text outside of work either. It didn’t feel appropriate to ask them to come.

“Of course we’re interested. You think we went to that Fuck You You’re Loved Party because we wouldn’t want to go to an award ceremony for our pal Tommy?” asked Lucy as she strapped herself in for takeoff.

Oh.

Well.

Tommy should have probably asked, he supposed. He wasn’t used to this. Having people to invite to award ceremonies.

“I apologize. Next time I hijack a helicopter and somehow get rewarded for my insubordination, I’ll tell you both about the award ceremony,” said Tommy, “Never really had friends like that.”

“Well, now you do, Tommy,” said Melton, “Fucking tell us when important things are happening. So that we don’t learn about it through – oh, wow, actually several very well-lit shots of your ass.”

Okay.

New Tommy.

Trying to see the good in things. Trying to see the good things in life and people. Trying to open up more. Tommy could do this. He could tell important life things to his coworkers – his friends.

“I mean. If you really want to know something,” said Tommy as the helicopter lifted off, “Evan’s going to stay the night for the first time.”

“First time? Haven’t you two been attached at the hip?” asked Lucy, confused, “What does your apartment look like, anyway? You’ve been to mine before, why haven’t I seen yours?”

“I haven’t seen your apartment either,” said Melton suspiciously.

“I stay at Evan’s place, uh. Quite a bit,” Tommy explained, “He knows I don’t really like my apartment all that much. I think it was a bit of grace for me too. His apartment is nicer, so it’s usually a win-win. I’m just catsitting for a particularly needy cat my neighbor owns.”

“You catsit for your neighbor?” echoed Lucy.

“Why do you never tell us things?” asked Melton exasperatingly.

“You never ask, for one,” said Tommy, a little annoyed, “But also, it wasn’t as if much was happening in my life before I met Evan. It’s not like I really like my apartment enough to talk about it.”

Tommy wasn’t sure if he was nervous or excited about that. Evan had seen his apartment enough, but it wasn’t as if they spent much time in the apartment proper. They either went down to Tommy’s surprisingly nice garage or Evan was only there to pick Tommy up for something else.

“Wait. Are you nervous about this?” asked Melton, sounding… surprised?

“It’s claustrophobic in there,” grumbled Tommy.

“Shit, man. He’s not going to care. He’ll probably make a bunch of cute jokes or something and melt when he sees you take care of a very needy cat,” said Lucy, who was definitely stunned that she had to say this, “Tommy… every time someone mentions you to him, he practically becomes that heart eyes emoji.”

“We could inspect your place,” said Melton, and Tommy was suspicious of that smile.

“Yeah. Make sure it’s ready for your boyfriend,” said Lucy with a grin Tommy didn’t particularly like.

“No,” laughed Tommy nervously, “That’s not happening.”

*****

“Oh my god, are those flowers?” asked Lucy as she sped walk to the flowers still in their jar from the ceremony, “He keeps bringing you flowers, doesn’t he? What the fuck? Why are you this cute?”

“It’s in a jar. You weren’t even prepared,” said Melton, eyeing the flowers too, “You need to take pictures of stuff and show us all the embarrassingly sweet shit your boyfriend does for you.”

Telling people things was a mistake. Tommy should have never told anyone anything. New Tommy was a bad idea that he should have never tried.

“Please don’t touch them. Some of those flowers are delicate,” said Tommy as he tried his best to usher these so-called friends of his away from the gorgeous bouquet Tommy was taking very good care of, “I don’t even know why I let you two come. I should be getting ready for Evan.”

Tommy’s place felt like an absolute mess. He hadn’t checked if his already-made bed wasn’t without wrinkles. He hadn’t used the scented candles yet. He hadn’t vacuumed yet. He hadn’t even dusted.

“What are you even talking about? This place looks spotless,” said Lucy, “A little too spotless, honestly – what the fuck? you’re this clean here too? I just thought you were anal at the station.”

“Even your DVDs are organized,” said Melton, “Would your brain explode if I moved one out of place?”

“Please don’t,” said Tommy, trying not to sound panicked as Melton teasingly reached out for 27 Dresses.

Tommy really didn’t need to worry about the organization of his things. He hadn’t expected these two to make it somehow worse.

“You really need to lighten up. It’s not like people are going to yell at you for barely any dust or something,” said Lucy with a shrug, “If there is any dust in this apartment.”

“It’s the only way I know how to keep a home,” Tommy said, confused by this, “What, do you not have a carefully laid out schedule for cleaning, especially when important people visit? I’m embarrassed you’re seeing my place like this.”

“How?” Lucy and Melton asked at the same time.

Tommy.

Tommy didn’t know why he decided to have friends.

“Just – Just make yourself comfortable on the couch. Unless you want water or maybe some fizzy water? Or maybe a beer, I do have beer,” said Tommy as he tried to think what he had for them, “I might still have some crackers. Maybe I can make a spread – but I do need to finish up cleaning first.”

“God, no wonder I heard that you liked Clipboard Buck, what is happening to you right now?” asked Lucy as she walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed a seltzer, “It’s like you’re Host-u-lon 3000 or something.”

“You know, part of having friends is that you don’t always have to be extremely stressed out when we just drop by,” said Melton as he sat down on the couch, “Wow, this is – why is your couch so comfortable?”

“Because I’m good at choosing practical furniture,” said Tommy plainly.

“Fuck you, help me by a couch next time I need one,” said Melton as a loud grumble could be heard from the corner.

“Wait… is that… is that even a cat?” asked Lucy, looking more impressed than horrified.

Flompers was half the size of a wild javelina and felt as heavy as a full-sized one; she looked like a cross between an American Bobtail, an Exotic Shorthair, and a Persian Cat – meaning, she looked like an absolute mess despite constant brushing; all patchwork colors and wavy, long hair and scrunched up face and yellow bugged out crossed-eyes.

Tommy fucking loved this weird cat.

“She’s the best cat,” said Tommy, “She just has problems.”

Flompers browred at the new people. She was always social. Despite the short legs she had, she did her best to wobble over to each new person and sniff at them politely before rubbing once against their legs.

Now that she had expended all of her energy, she wiggled toward Tommy and flopped in front of him. He picked up the heavy little beast, cuddling her close as she made purrs that sounded more like a boat revving.

Tommy heard a click of a phone camera. He looked up, confused.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sending this to Buck,” said Lucy, texting already.

“What?” asked Tommy, trying not to panic, “But I haven’t cleaned yet.”

“The guy would love you if you lived in a sea of dirty socks.”

Love?

Love.

Tommy felt like he was forgetting something.

“Don’t make fun of me, please,” laughed Tommy nervously as he made a beeline to the farthest corner of his living room and placed Flompers in the giant cat bed Tommy pulled out whenever he watched Flompers.

She proceeded to flop over laying like a ragdoll on the cat bed. She kept boat purring, content on her bed.

Lucy and Melton exchanged looks.

“If you think that Buck’s not in love with you at this point, you’re in more denial than I expected,” said Melton.

“You’re going to lose the bet,” said Lucy, grinning at Melton.

Was that a funny thing or a bad thing? Were they friendly making fun of Tommy or was this at Tommy’s expense?

“What bet?” asked Tommy neutrally, “There’s a bet?”

Melton and Lucy seemed to notice Tommy’s apprehension.

“Oh. Okay. That sounded bad – it’s not bad. It’s cute. It’s ‘haha those two dorks are so in love, when will they realize it? When will they say it?’ It’s endearing. It’s not a joke,” said Lucy.

“More of an ‘awww, you’re so gross it’s cute’, sort of thing,” agreed Melton, “I already know I lost. I thought it would happen during that day drinking day you had with Marisol.”

Huh.

That.

There was something there. Tommy wasn’t sure, but there was something itching at the back of his brain right now.

“Okay. I believe you. But I do really need to get ready for Evan,” said Tommy as he looked at the time, “It was very nice to see you all inside my apartment and outside of work, but I need you two to start heading out.”

Melton and Lucy groaned, but they respected Tommy’s wishes.

“You’re no fun. We’re staying longer next time,” Melton said as Tommy opened the door.

“Send us texts about how the first sleepover here goes,” said Lucy as she and Melton left Tommy’s apartment, “I want a pic of Buck holding that monstrosity of a cat.”

Tommy should do it.

He was trying to be better about these things.

He could be the kind of guy who gushed about his boyfriend.

“Will do,” Tommy said, because Tommy could be that kind of guy.

And then.

He was alone.

Tommy sighed. Tommy wasn’t as interested in being alone these days, but it was nicer to get some things done alone. Tommy heard the ding of his phone. He pulled it out and smiled.

EVAN: THAT’S WHAT FLOMPERS LOOKS LIKE?

EVAN: IS SHE EVEN A CAT??????

EVAN: I CAN’T WAIT TO HUG HER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Tommy snorted.

TOMMY: Well, you will later

TOMMY: See you

EVAN: See you later!!

Tommy giggled as Evan sent the most incomprehensible series of emojis Tommy had ever seen. He wasn’t even sure what it all meant, but it looked about right.

He really did love Evan.

Would it be too soon to say so?

Tommy wasn’t going to focus on that now, though. No, Tommy was going to clean his place and prepare for Evan to come over tonight.

*****

Tommy Kinard learned how to make a roast when he was twelve years old and desperate to get his parents to sit down for a family meal. No one questioned that he was buying his own five-pound chuck. No one questioned him carrying heavy bags of veggies and meat all the way home, supplies he paid for on his own dime from his semi-illegal paperboy route.

Tommy had gone to the library beforehand, found a copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking, and had written down the recipe for a pot roast – a Boeuf a La Mode.

Which was probably a red flag to begin with.

No child should look at a four-page, possibly over twenty-four-hour recipe that called for red wine and think “Right, this will fix the parents”. Tommy wasn’t even sure if his parents had even noticed that he stole a bottle of wine from them.

At least they didn’t get actively mad about that.

He spent two days making that recipe, only for no one to care. No one wanted to eat it besides Tommy. Not that it was the best Boeuf a La Mode, but hey, it was pretty good for a twelve-year-old kid.

Tommy had much more experience cooking the dish now. And he was happy he would be making it for someone who actually cared.

Tommy turned the braising beef, proud as he slid it back into the oven.

This could be okay.

Maybe New Tommy, looking at the world glass half-full was a good thing. Maybe it was going to be okay that Evan was staying at his sad apartment. Maybe it was going to be great, even. It could be great.

Tommy.

Was going to try to believe this was all going to be okay. Tommy smiled when he felt his phone buzz. He looked at the messages and… frowned.

EVAN: Hey

EVAN: I’m really sorry about this. I kind of found out something potentially terrible

EVAN: Not terrible for me. Or. No one’s hurt. Not yet, I don’t think. It’s not medical, at least. Though. Maybe it might be? I’d say I’m hallucinating but I’m holding brownies so

EVAN: That makes no sense

EVAN: I’m sorry. I’m going to be late. Like, an hour or so late, depending on traffic. But I’m going to be there

EVAN: Just need to check on something first

Tommy didn’t know what to make of these texts. But Evan sounded stressed. Helplessly, Tommy started texting back.

TOMMY: It’s okay, Evan

TOMMY: We’re good

TOMMY: Everything’s okay

TOMMY: I can keep dinner simmering until you get here

TOMMY: Do you want me to call you?

EVAN: No, it’s okay

EVAN: I’d rather talk to you once I have a better idea about what just happened

EVAN: I’d say I wish you were here, but I don’t think I want you to see what I saw

EVAN: I miss you

EVAN: Wish I didn’t have to check on this right now

EVAN: But I do

TOMMY: Okay. Do what you have to do. I’ll be here when you’re done

EVAN: You’re really too considerate

TOMMY: No, something’s happening. Something important. I understand

EVAN: Going to kiss you so much when I get to your place

TOMMY: Looking forward to it

Tommy put down his phone, adjusting his work on the pot roast.

*****

Tommy yawned as he heard a knock at the door. Tommy stretched and smiled as Flompers stretched along with Tommy. He walked to his door, opening it up to find Evan with the largest bouquet yet.

Just.

Absurdly enormous.

Tommy laughed.

“I know, but I just had a really tough talk with Eddie and I was thinking about you and how it sucked that I had to make you wait because I had to have this messed up conversation with Eddie. And I love Eddie, you know I do, and I’ll always have messed up talks with him when he needs me to have them with him because that’s just who we are to each other, we’re family. And I’d hope and I know he would do the same for me, which is a good thing in the long run, but I just – I hate that I had to have that talk with him. That talk sucked. I will always have that talk with him, but it sucked. It was an emotionally exhausting talk, more so for Eddie than me. I’m really worried about him. He’s not good. We might need to check on him tomorrow or something. But I have to trust that he’ll do the right thing, you know? Gotta trust him. And I wanted to do something nice, so I got these,” said Evan, rambling, “Because you deserve nice things and I love giving you nice things. It makes you happy. It makes me happy. It’s a net positive.”

There was a lot to unpack there. But Tommy was going to focus on the flowers. Because they were sweet.

Tommy took the flowers, smiling softly at them.

“We'll definitely check on Eddie tomorrow. Do you need a hug, Evan?” asked Tommy.

Before Tommy could put the flowers down, Evan practically threw himself at Tommy. His arms wrapped around Tommy tightly and – was Evan breathing in Tommy’s shirt? Tommy didn’t ask. Tommy hugged Evan back.

Because Evan needed it.

He needed this moment.

And Tommy could give Evan that.

Tommy could feel the tension leave Evan.

“You want some dinner?” whispered Tommy, “I made a pot roast. Or, as Julia Child would call it, a Boeuf a La Mode.”

Tommy had tried to do the voice. It was about as good of an impression as his mouth static.

“A – a what?” asked Evan, sounding exhausted but laughing a bit.

Tommy brought Evan to the couch instead of the table.

“Stay. I’ll get you a plate,” said Tommy softly.

Evan smiled, but it was weak. What had shaken Evan so much? Tommy didn’t need to know. Not now. Not ever, if Evan needed that. Tommy could get his boyfriend some amazing red wine braised beef, though.

Tommy brought two plates of the pot roast over to the coffee table, placing a plate in front of Evan. Tommy sat cross-legged on his rug in front of his plate.

Evan looked longingly at the food. He looked almost emotional.

“You made me a ridiculously complicated Julia Child recipe?” asked Evan, emotional.

“Oh this? I’ve been making it since I was twelve,” Tommy said, staring straight into Evan’s eyes.

Evan laughed.

“I can’t tell if you’re being serious or dry,” said Evan as he began to try the pot roast, “Oh my god, this is really good – please don’t tell me that you’ve been making this since you were twelve, because I don’t know what it means for a twelve-year-old with your parents to try to make fancy French pot roast.”

“It means I’m a try-hard,” said Tommy with a shrug.

“No – no questions about what I just had to do?” asked Evan, a little nervous.

A little antsy.

“Evan. You don’t need to tell me what happened,” said Tommy as he placed a hand on Evan’s.

Evan smiled down at Tommy’s hand on his.

“Bobby approves.”

“Approves of what?”

“Me. Us. You. He, uh. He said you were good people. Said you were good for me.”

Tommy.

Hadn’t expected that.

He knew May had said something similar, but it was still a surprise to hear it.

“Am I good for you?” continued Evan seriously, “My life can get so complicated. I have all this baggage. I basically co-parent my best friend’s kid whenever Christopher needs that from me. I have so many people I care about who get into really weird trouble all the time. I came two hours late and you made this for me.”

Evan was wracked with nerves; insecurities. Tommy didn’t get it. He really didn’t. Who made Evan this insecure about himself?

Tommy moved close to Evan. He took Evan’s face in his hands. Evan seemed dazed; hypnotized as he stared from Tommy’s eyes to his lips. Tommy kissed Evan; soft and slow; tasted the Boeuf a La Mode.

“Evan, there isn’t a world where you’re not good for me,” Tommy told Evan, firmly but kindly, “I’m not saying we won’t have our problems, but you in a general sense, are very good for me. I would not be making you Boeuf a La Mode if I didn’t think so, trust me. The recipe recommends six to twenty-four hours of marinating and I did the full day. Well, a little more than a day because you know – traffic. But still. Also, a lot of your friends are my friends too. And part of why I like you is because you care about your family. So, that's not a burden I'm not willing to shoulder. It's not even a burden. And you know, if it is stressful, I'm here to lean on.”

“Oh,” said Evan, still gazing down at Tommy’s lips, “Good.”

“What? Want to make out?” asked Tommy with a smile.

“Yeah, but. Food first. We should have food first,” said Evan, peeling his eyes reluctantly off Tommy’s lips, “You made this for us. We should eat it.”

Tommy gave Evan a small kiss on the forehead, ruffling Evan’s hair before getting back to his own food. Evan giggled; maybe a little tired to the point where it came back around, he was getting hyper; maybe just giddy over the kiss or eating some food.

Flompers made one of her weird, loud mreowers, wobbling out of her cat bed. Evan jumped at the sound, swearing before he spotted Flompers somehow gracefully hopping onto the couch.

“Flompers?” gushed Evan as he opened his arms; the cat wibbled over, purring up a storm as she flopped herself into Evan’s lap, “Oh, she’s so soft. She’s gigantic. She’s so fluffy. I love her.”

Evan snuggled her tightly. Flompers, bless her, let it happen.

“Oh, I needed this. I needed this weird, fucked up cat. I needed this food. I needed you. Which is weird, because I actually, for the most part, had a really good day. But this is so nice. I’m so glad you’re letting me sleep over tonight.”

I love you.

“There’s a town,” Tommy blurted.

Evan glanced over at Tommy – a silent, Go on. I’m listening. I don’t know where this is going, but I’m listening.

“There’s a town. Well, there are a lot of towns, but there’s a particular town between Death Valley and the Sequoia National Forest. It probably has, I don’t know, twenty-thousand, maybe thirty-thousand people. Epicenter of a lot of earthquakes. I won’t take you there. I don’t want to go back. But that’s where I’m from.”

Because.

If Tommy was going to trust anyone, he was going to trust Evan.

I love you.

“You are the first person I’ve told that,” Tommy sighed shakily.

Tommy wasn’t sure how he ran so far from that place only to end up maybe three hours away from some of the most dysfunctionally dismal, unhappy people he had ever cared to know, but he was. It was strange to think about.

But at least he found Evan here.

That was worth living three hours away from that place.

“No one else?” asked Evan softly, “Ever?”

“Only you.”

It was there.

On the tip of Tommy’s tongue.

I love you.

Soon.

Tommy would say it soon. He was pretty sure Evan understood, though.

“Only me,” said Evan, smiling as he dug into his food.

*****

“You think we should get a cat?” asked Evan as he perused Tommy’s shirts and stole one.

“What?”

Evan took off his button-down with quick efficiency before immediately putting Tommy’s Bat Out of Hell Meatloaf shirt. It was a little big on Evan, but he seemed amused by that.

“I kind of get the whole boyfriend shirt hype. All your clothes feel so comfortable.”

Tommy shrugged.

“I’m good at laundry.”

“Of course you are,” said Evan as he took off his pants to reveal tight boxer briefs, “But think about it. A cat? Like Flompers? Huh?”

Evan pointed to the cat taking up a good chunk of the middle of Tommy’s bed right now.

“Or maybe a dog? I like dogs more. Do you like dogs?” asked Evan excitedly, “Are you a dog or cat person?”

“Huh. Probably dog. Always wanted a dog,” said Tommy as he fluffed the pillows.

“See? Good idea,” said Evan, “I’m telling you. We should get a dog.”

“Evan,” said Tommy as he pulled his own Henley off and grabbed a random white long-sleeve, “Do we really have the time to take care of an animal with our schedules?”

Taking care of Flompers was one thing; she was mostly okay on her own, if given food and water. Flompers was a temporary responsibility. Could he and Evan get a dog? How would that even work?

“I don’t know. There are dog walkers. And – and I bet our stations would let us bring a dog in,” said Evan as he crawled into Tommy’s bed before his eyes widened, “What the hell, you have this nice of a mattress?”

“It’s practical to be comfortable,” said Tommy, not sure why everyone got so surprised.

Tommy was an adult. He enjoyed comfortable things. Of course he was just buying things that felt comfy.

“Yeah, this is going to be mine in two months,” said Evan happily as he settled into Tommy’s bed, “Only two more months.”

Tommy laughed, taking his own jeans off before searching for some pajama pants.

“You’re really that confident that I’m moving in with you, huh?” asked Tommy, amused.

“We could always find a place together. I’m not that attached to living in the loft. I feel like we’d need more room eventually, anyway,” said Evan with a shrug, “But again – two more months until that discussion.”

Tommy pulled out pajama pants with a little sheep pattern. Evan snorted.

“What?” asked Tommy as he put them on, “I get cold easily. I like sheep.”

“I know, babe. C’m’ere. I’ll warm you up.”

Tommy turned off the light. He crawled into bed and let Evan arrange them however he pleased, which usually meant Evan practically entangling himself with Tommy. This felt like a giant feat, since somehow Evan did it without moving Flompers out of her favorite sleeping spot – the middle of Tommy’s bed.

“… Where would the dog even live?” asked Tommy, because now that Evan said it, the thought was rattling in Tommy’s brain too, “What would we do? Joint custody? A few days at your place? A few days at mine?”

“Until you move in or we move somewhere together, yeah,” said Evan fondly, sighing at the thought.

“You’re serious about this,” yawned Tommy.

“We’ll think about it later. Put a pin in it until we’re not in a four-month relationship. Maybe when we’re in a six-month relationship?”

Evan just kept smiling at Tommy.

Tommy couldn’t help it.

He kissed Evan.

A little peck on the lips.

“You’re very persistent,” whispered Tommy.

“I kind of want to raise a dog,” murmured Evan, “Hopefully with you.”

“Stop,” Tommy laughed, and Evan was nuzzling his shoulder, his neck; getting even more comfortable.

“Never,” mumbled Evan into Tommy’s skin as he held Tommy close.

Chapter Text

Tommy Kinard woke up with the weight of both Evan Buckley and Flompers the cat atop him. Tommy wouldn’t say that he had ever found himself in quite a position. It was like two weighted blankets had been draped lazily over him.

Tommy.

Kind of liked it.

“What?” mumbled Evan into Tommy’s chest.

“I feel like I should get a weighted blanket,” said Tommy honestly, and he was pretty sure that made no sense out of his head.

Evan snorted.

He peaked up at Tommy, grinning.

“Want to go shopping today?” asked Evan.

Tommy smiled at Evan.

They had the day to do whatever they wanted. Tommy used to spend his days avoiding any idea of free time, but now he found himself waking up as late as noon sometimes, somehow not worried about how he filled his days.

Possibly because he had Evan now.

Days didn’t feel like the continuous motion he had to fill lest darker thoughts took hold. No, Tommy didn’t feel like that anymore.

Huh.

“I don’t know, maybe,” said Tommy, surprised at how cavalier he had gotten with time recently, “I can always schedule another session with the chopper if you want. Or Maybe a hike?”

When was the last time Tommy went on a hike?

“Hike,” said Evan, grinning, “I want to see what you wear on a hike.”

“Well, I am known to wear the random tight tank top.”

“Yes, that. Wear that.”

Tommy laughed.

“I’m not saying no to requests. Should we head over to your place first, then? Do you have workout clothes that aren’t dirty from work on hand?” asked Tommy curiously.

“Oh, no. I don’t. But you have clothes, so… ?” said Evan as he gazed up with those gorgeous blue eyes.

Fuck.

“Yeah. Yeah, wear my clothes,” said Tommy, feeling almost hypnotized into the answer.

Evan's smile widened. He gave Tommy a casual peck on the cheek, patting Tommy’s chest as he got up. It seemed like an adventure; a scavenger hunt to figure out how Tommy set up his clothes and find something just right.

“Everything’s so organized. And you fold your underwear?” said Evan, a little surprised as he took out a pair then, glanced over at Tommy and – quickly refolded it back.

“Yeah. Old habits,” said Tommy, shrugging.

He had enough traumatic talk downs as a kid for the organization to be second nature to him at this point. And Tommy didn’t know if that was exactly healthy, but at least he knew where everything was.

Evan seemed oddly thoughtful after that. Not that he wasn’t always thoughtful, but there was a carefulness in the look that he gave Tommy; in how he sifted through Tommy’s clothes. Tommy wondered if Evan could tell. If he wanted to ask more. If he wanted to wait for Tommy to say something more.

Tommy wasn’t going to think about that.

He didn’t really want to analyze how his childhood trauma bubbled up in weird ways before he had his morning coffee.

“Oh. My. God.”

Evan excitedly pulled out Tommy’s Dolly Parton tank top.

“Who doesn’t like Dolly Parton?” asked Tommy, ready for a barrage of jokes.

“No, I love it. This is amazing. I didn’t know she had tank tops.”

Evan quickly flung the Meatloaf shirt off, pulling on the Dolly Parton tank. Evan glanced at the Meatloaf shirt.

“It’s okay. I’m okay with some mess.”

Tommy was New Tommy. He could be okay with that. Because Evan wasn’t going to ream him for his place being a little messy.

Tommy felt – he felt safe thinking that.

Huh.

Tommy wasn’t sure how many people actually made him feel safe; comfortable enough not to think about certain things he used to do to protect himself.

“I did a stint at Dollywood, did I tell you that?” asked Evan as he threw Tommy his tie-dye wolf shirt that Tommy had cut the sleeves off.

Tommy stood up, Flompers growring as she shifted on the bed. Tommy took off his long sleeve, putting on the tie-dye wolf shirt.

“You what?”

“Yeah. Not long. Maybe a month or so. I, uh. Might have done something inappropriate in the breakroom?” said Evan, smiling fondly as he found Tommy’s shorts, “Tanya Kirk didn’t seem to mind all that much, though. In fact, I’m pretty sure she loved what I did.”

Tommy laughed.

“Good for Tanya,” said Tommy as he caught the bike shorts Evan somehow found.

“What can I say?” said Evan as he put on basketball shorts, “I’m a very giving lover.”

“Oh, I know.”

“Oh, you do, now?”

“No, you’ve just slept in my bed because you’re such a great ally.”

Evan groaned into his hands.

“No.”

“Oh, no, I’m never letting that go,” snickered Tommy as Tommy took Evan in.

Evan grinned excitedly down at the clothes he was wearing.

He was just.

Stealing Tommy’s clothes.

Tommy could feel it. The man was probably going to stuff those clothes into his bag when he left tomorrow.

Tommy gave permission, but it wasn’t as if he expected Evan to be so into this. Most of Tommy’s boyfriends found his clothes to be either boring or tasteless – there was no in middle ground.

Tommy didn’t know why Evan would even choose this in the first place. Evan had better taste in clothes, Tommy was sure of that. They weren’t as nice as Evan’s clothes. And while they weren’t extremely off in terms of height, Tommy knew he was at least a size large than Evan when it came to shirts.

“We could always stop by your place if you want something actually yours,” Tommy offered.

Because dress up didn’t mean Evan had to walk around in weird or boring clothes.

“Shut up, I love this. Like you said – who doesn’t love Dolly?”

Evan.

Did look good in Tommy’s clothes.

“Would you, uh – like to have breakfast here? Or maybe a diner nearby? We can always pick something small up and have a picnic during the hike.”

“Let’s do…” Evan started to say before he glanced at his phone, “… A picnic. I have this feeling that it’s going to be a great day for a picnic.”

Tommy grinned.

“Because you looked at the weather on your phone?”

“Because I looked at the weather on my phone,” Evan admitted, both of them chuckling.

Then.

Evan seemed to remember something.

“Should I – should I check on Eddie before or after?” asked Evan.

Tommy sat down on his bed. Evan found his way around Tommy’s bed and sat next to him. Evan rested his head on Tommy’s shoulder with a sigh.

“We could drive over there with breakfast burritos. I know a place,” said Tommy thoughtfully, “Or we could go later, bring some pad thai or something. Do you think asking him now or giving him some space and asking him later would be better?”

Evan looked a little lost.

“I don’t know. And it’s – it’s really not my secret to say, so, I can’t really say it, but… I think it will take time for Eddie to work some of this out. Maybe space would be good. Give him the time to make things right.”

Tommy put his arm around Evan, giving him a small half-hug.

“You’ve got good instincts. I’m sure that’s the right thing to do,” said Tommy as he gave Evan a kiss on the forehead.

Evan smiled at Tommy.

“Yeah, uh. And it might be a little selfish, but I – I want a day where I just hang out with you.”

“It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes.”

Evan laughed a little too loudly.

“Depends on the situation.”

“Eh, I might be biased. I love being with you. But I think it’s okay to take a day to do what you want. If. What you want is to hang out with me.”

Evan snickered.

“Okay, you’ve sold me. I’ll let myself be selfish.”

Tommy wanted more of that.

He wanted Evan to be let himself be selfish.

*****

There was something relaxing about a drive. To take the steering wheel into your own hands and control where the wind took you. Just Tommy, his boyfriend, his 1979 teal El Camino, and Evan’s playlist playing softly under their conversation.

And as the light turned red and Tommy slowed to a stop, he couldn’t help but glance over to Evan only to find Evan looking his way, positively enraptured.

Or maybe he was just ready to tease Tommy again.

Could be either.

“Never?” asked Evan, smiling as he held up a hand and added a third finger down for the count, making the number thirteen, “Never ever?”

Tommy laughed.

“Never ever.”

“You need to raise your bar, kid,” said Evan, echoing something – hadn’t Tommy told Evan that?

It felt like ages ago.

Tommy snorted.

“No. Don’t turn those tables like that, you’re asking hyperspecific questions to me in this never have I ever,” said Tommy, “I’m sorry that I haven’t, in the dark of the night, had a one-night stand outside the back of a roadhouse. What do you even count as a roadhouse, Evan? How much do you even have to do for a one-night stand, here? Penetrative? Hands? Mouth? How long does a one-night stand have to last to be a one-night stand? I need parameters.”

Evan snickered.

“Okay, okay. So, maybe it was a quicky. It was a quicky with hands and mouths behind a place that looked like an old barn renovated to become a bar. And, you know, it took a little coordinating of positions and we had to make we didn’t lose her pants, but I like to pride myself in being a big eater.”

Tommy laughed.

“Outside? With her back on some wood wall?”

“It was warm. Texas is surprisingly warm at night, let me tell you. And I gave her my shirt as back padding, so, you know, it all worked out pretty well. I will say, Texas? Not as many cowboy bars as you’d expect. I think that was the closest thing I found to one.”

“Okay. Not some random barn turned bar, but it’s not like I haven’t taken anyone out of a bar and done some heavy petting or more in the alleyway.”

Evan’s curiosity.

Was peaked.

He raised the finger he had folded down, smiling at Tommy.

“Oh?” asked Evan nonchalantly.

The light turned green. Tommy began driving once more.

“Well, it’s not like I’m taking people out in the side alley every night or something, but you know, it happens. One of my firsts happened like that actually.”

“Huh. Most of mine happened in high school.”

Tommy laughed.

“No, uh. No, that wasn’t an option for me. That didn’t feel like an option, at least,” said Tommy, “I was maybe, what? Nineteen? Twenty? I think I was nineteen. I had snuck into a bar. And I caught the eye of someone, well, they were definitely older. It’s weird thinking about how much older now, actually…”

The guy had to have been at least thirties, maybe more.

But still.

“We got to talking. I didn’t know how to act. I wasn’t out out. I wasn’t jumpy in there, but I also didn’t really know how to act on anything. And let me tell you, he was probably one of the hottest men I’d ever met. So, I was just nodding to everything he was telling me, and before I knew it, I was making out with this guy – this guy – in an alleyway, thinking, Okay, this is happening. And I wasn’t really sure what to do with my hands, I’m fumbling, and the guy, he looks at me and says, ‘You kind of suck at this’.”

Evan laughed.

“Oh no,” said Evan.

Tommy could picture the man’s face. The way he smiled; the smile lines.

“Oh, yeah, I was horrified. I didn’t know what to say to that. And he said, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll give you pointers’. And I really did pick up a lot of good tips from him. Little twisty thing – all him.”

“Have to thank him for that,” laughed Evan.

“Yeah. Nice guy. Good with his hands. Not a lot of the guys I did things with at first were so kind, but he was.”

There had been a lot of bad experiences back then; bad first times, people who hadn’t taken Tommy’s pleasure into consideration, people who made assumptions about what Tommy wanted that never really clicked with Tommy. But Tommy got better at choosing at some point. And that had led him to Evan.

“Well, you’re stuck with me now. An absolutely considerate lover.”

Tommy laughed.

“Oh, I’m stuck with you, huh?”

“Chaining myself to you like an environmental protester to a tree.”

“I don’t mind being bound,” said Tommy, and he could see Evan’s eyebrow quirk up, giving Tommy some heady attention.

“Noted,” said Evan, and that sounded familiar too.

Tommy had said that at some point to Evan.

“Right,” said Tommy, chuckling as he pulled into parking lot of Roma Market, “You like sandwiches, right?”

Evan laughed.

“What kind of question is that? Who doesn’t like sandwiches?”

“Okay. Fair,” said Tommy as he stepped out of his car, “But have you had the best sandwich in LA?”

A specialty Italian deli, Roma Market was infamous for “the sandwich”, the best fucking sandwich Tommy ever had in his life. Made daily in the morning in limited amounts, it was perfection in butcher paper; it was a work of art; the life’s work of one man.

Tommy just hoped they made it before all the sandwiches were sold out.

“The best sandwich in LA is Uncle Paulie’s The Carmela,” said Evan as he listed off the ingredients on his hand, “Fresh mozzarella, sliced prosciutto, roasted red peppers, and oil and balsamic?”

Evan made a chef’s kiss gesture.

“Who could make better?” asked Evan before maybe – maybe giving Tommy a once over, “But you know, I’m always willing to have another sandwich. Big eater.”

Evan waggled his eyebrows.

“Maybe I’ll serve you something else later,” said Tommy putting a pin on that as Evan just kept smiling like he would be just fine going back into the car and doing something completely different instead of walking into the shop in front of them; tempting, but maybe not in the parking lot of Tommy’s favorite sandwich place, “Prepared to have your mind blown.”

“Oh, you’ve never disappointed on that front,” volleyed Evan back as he and Tommy walked into the deli, “I’d give you five stars but a star system is inherently flawed. And it’s much more fun to reciprocate my feelings about a good meal in other ways.”

“Oh, I know.”

Evan’s hand slid into Tommy’s back pocket fondly as Evan leaned on him, reminding Tommy that the biking shorts Evan found in his room actually had at least one pocket.

“Should we get anything else?” asked Evan, and Tommy could see Evan’s attention dart around to all the different foods and snacks the store offered, “I’m going to walk around and see if there’s anything else that would be good for this.”

Evan didn’t go in for a kiss.

But he did squeeze Tommy’s ass before leaving to wander the store.

Tommy snickered at the ground, trying to keep his focus on the task at hand instead of watching his boyfriend excitedly bounce around a new place. Tommy walked up to the counter, smiling at the old man there.

“Two sandwiches,” said Tommy.

There was no name to the sandwich. It was the sandwich.

The old man nodded, pulling two out and putting them in a plastic bag. Tommy paid for them, turning to see –

“Marisol?” asked Tommy, a little surprised.

She was there with Christopher and another kid who looked similar to her that was around Chris’ age – maybe a cousin or a nephew? A little brother?

“Tommy,” said Christopher as he looked around, “Wait, does that mean Buck is here too?”

“Hey. We’re not always with each other,” Tommy said, an absolute liar.

“Oh, really?” asked Christopher as he pointed out Evan wandering an aisle.

“So, yes, I’m here with Evan,” laughed Tommy.

“Didn’t expect to bump into you,” said Marisol as she hugged Tommy, “What brings you to Roma Market? The sandwich?”

“Yeah, the sandwich. Evan and I are going hiking today. Wanted to get supplies for a picnic,” Tommy explained as he held up the bag of sandwiches.

“Where are my manners – this is Fernando, my nephew,” said Marisol.

Tommy waved at the kid. Fernando did not care.

Okay.

Tommy could be okay with that.

“I’m taking these two on a whole afternoon and night of fun. We’re getting this late lunch, then we’re going to Vidiots for their showing of Vertigo,” explained Marisol, looking more excited than the kids, “Did you know neither of these boys had seen a Hitchcock before? Anyway, Fernando was talking this place up and I hadn’t been here in a while and Chris hadn’t tried the sandwich yet, so…”

Christopher, for his part, didn’t particularly look all that excited about this. Tommy wondered if this was yet another thing Marisol was trying to do to bond with him that was probably not clicking either. Christopher and Fernando didn’t seem all that excited to hang out with each other either; they seemed pretty indifferent to each other’s existence.

Huh.

Tommy nodded.

“Vertigo is a fantastic film,” Tommy offered, not sure what to do with the vibes of this trio before him, “I hope you all have a great time.”

“Hey, the lady I was talking about said they made great cannolis too. Not that you don’t already have a great  – ” Evan started, then noticed that Tommy was talking to Marisol, Christopher, and Marisol’s nephew, “Hi. How’s it going?”

“They’re going to a movie together,” Tommy informed Evan, who.

Looked.

Stressed out now.

Or at least, very stiff as he glanced from Christopher to Marisol.

“Yeah. It’s going to be great,” said Marisol, not noticing Evan’s reaction to them.

“Are you okay, Buck?” asked Christopher, catching Evan’s reaction.

“Oh. Yeah. Great,” said Evan, not super convincingly.

Marisol looked at her phone’s time.

“Speaking of that movie, we really need to get these sandwiches in time to eat them before. You two have a fun time on your hike and picnic,” said Marisol as she ushered the boys over to the counter.

“You guys too,” said Evan as he moved Tommy out of the deli quickly, “You guys too? I should have specified, they’re not going on a hike too.”

Tommy got into the car with Evan, the both of them putting the food they purchased behind them. Tommy pulled out of the parking lot, thinking about that interaction. Tommy glanced at Evan who looked a little frazzled.

“You okay?”

Evan sighed.

“It’s really not my place to say anything. So.”

Evan shrugged.

Tommy didn’t like that. He didn’t know what was going on, but he didn’t like Evan in this position; feeling like that.

“We can do something a little more fun than a hike,” said Tommy with a smirk, “If you want.”

Tommy stopped at a stop sign.

“But – shouldn’t we be doing things together,” said Evan, vaguely gesturing.

“We can do things,” said Tommy with a little wink.

Evan.

Took a moment to get there.

But he was grinning.

“You know what? Yeah. Actually, that would be fantastic. If – if you’re good with that. We did make a plan.”

Tommy laughed as he took a right on the next street and started heading back to his own place.

“Evan. I suggested it.”

Evan’s smile grew impossibly wider.

“Yeah, you did,” said Evan, with a fucking look.

“I need to drive us there without wrapping us around a telephone pole.”

“I’m sure you know your way around a pole.”

“Evan,” laughed Tommy, “Please.”

“Okay, okay,” said Evan as he pulled out his phone and continued the playlist from earlier, “But the embargo lifts the moment you park the car.”

They both snickered as they heard “WAP” start to play.

“You won’t see me complaining,” said Tommy, as he did his best to focus on getting back his apartment.

*****

Tommy wouldn’t say that he usually hung out around his apartment naked. But well, when in Rome.

When in Evan, Tommy’s brain countered.

Tommy snorted.

Not that Tommy was in Evan this time.

Or right now.

Or Evan in him.

At least, not at the moment, Evan wasn’t.

Though.

Maybe again soon.

“What?” asked Evan as he walked over to get water from the fridge.

“It – I don’t think it makes sense outside of my head,” said Tommy, giggling up at the ceiling, “I’m such a space cadet, I’m sorry.”

Evan took large gulps before refilling the water and walking over to Tommy.

“Hey. No,” said Evan as he handed Tommy the water, “I like that space cadet. I get weird pictures of him staring at Bobby’s house when he’s a space cadet.”

Tommy snickered.

“It was one time.”

“And it will be forever immortalized in my text chat with May and Harry.”

Tommy groaned into his hands.

“Harry was on that chat too?”

“Yup. We all talk about it fondly.”

Tommy drank from the glass. The water was much needed; refreshing and cool. Tommy really couldn’t think of a time when someone he was with actually got him water. Yet here Evan was, walking over to Tommy’s bathroom for – hand towels. Tommy could hear the water going.

“Ugh. I need to get up. I’m going to get all gross if I keep laying here,” mumbled Tommy, “Good thinking about remembering to put the towels down on the couch. I’m not sure if it would have survived.”

Evan came back into the living room with a wet cloth in hand. It was warm to the touch as Evan wiped Tommy down.

“I fucking love this couch. I’m not ruining it,” said Evan, “This is a keeper for when you move in.”

Tommy snickered.

But he wasn’t telling Evan no.

Because.

Maybe he would move in.

Maybe that would happen.

Maybe New Tommy could believe in that.

“You know, before you, I would usually do this myself,” said Tommy.

Tommy always had to know how to take care of himself before this. No one else had really offered. No one else had really thought about this for Tommy. It felt inevitable; Tommy was always supposed to deal with himself.

Tommy assumed that was just how it was.

How it would always be.

Evan leaned down, stealing a ferocious kiss.

“Fuck ‘em, I like taking care of you,” said Evan.

“I should help you out too,” Tommy started, but Evan stopped him.

“Nah. Next time. I already cleaned myself up when you were way more out of it,” said Evan, “And like I said, I like taking care of you.”

They were good about that. Relationships weren’t always fifty-fifty, after all. Sometimes one did a little more in the moment. Sometimes the other did more for a bit. It was all a balancing act. Never a game of sums, who did what when, tallying up notches, but an expression of love; of wanting to give more and be there, and being able to accept love too.

“This feels unfair. You’re the one who was stressed out.”

“I find this very relaxing, thank you. Gives me an excuse to rub your thighs and abs.”

Tommy snorted.

They both.

Froze when they heard someone knock at the door.

“Shit,” whispered Tommy, springing into action as he scrambled to get clothes back on, “Shit, Wanda texted earlier about picking Flompers up.”

Flompers, who seemed unperturbed by anything that had gone on earlier, was still snoring up a storm in her cat bed. The cat was truly either a trooper or gave zero fucks about the sex life of Tommy Kinard.

“Yeah, uh, probably should have set an alarm for that,” said Evan as he began putting clothes back on too.

Evan’s shirt was inside out and on backward.

Whatever.

That didn’t matter.

Tommy collected all of Flompers’ supplies, putting them back into the large bag Wanda had dropped them off in as Evan scooped Flompers up in a confused growr. They rushed to the door as Wanda knocked again.

Tommy opened his front door, trying to act normal.

“Hey, Wanda,” said Tommy, “Sorry for making you wait. We’ve got Flompers and her things right here – would you like us to bring them down to your apartment?”

Wanda looked from Tommy to Evan. She didn’t seem to care.

“That would be very helpful, dear,” said Wanda, gesturing for them to follow her, “Much more helpful than Adrian. That boy is a deadbeat.”

“Was Jessica at least doing well?” asked Tommy as he and his boyfriend followed Wanda down the stairs and placed both the bag and Flompers down in Wanda’s apartment.

“Oh, she’s an angel. The baby’s a sweetheart too. Who knew such a delightful girl could be stuck with such a bore?” sighed Wanda, “Thank you for taking care of Flompers, though.”

“It was really no problem at all,” said Evan as he gave Flompers one last scritchle; she purred up a revving boat storm.

“See? That’s what I’m saying – Jessica needs that,” complained Wanda as Evan beamed at the praise, “Whatever. Can’t control who people fall for. You two have a good evening.”

“Will do,” said Tommy as he and Evan walked back up to his apartment.

“I guess this will be the last night we’re hanging out at your place,” said Evan.

“Eh. I like your place better,” said Tommy with a smile.

“Hey. Two months before that conversation, remember?” asked Evan as Tommy laughed.

*****

“What? Wait, slow down.”

Tommy blinked, blearily staring at his ceiling as he – he noticed Evan not in bed. Tommy looked around the room. He saw Evan dressing himself in his own clothes hastily, bumping into the clothing racks as he did so.

“Okay – Okay, I’m going to be there, okay? I’m coming over right now,” said Evan as he locked eyes with Tommy.

Evan looked panicked; apologetic; a little heartbroken.

Tommy sat straight up.

“What happened?”

“It’s – it’s Christopher. He’s not coming out of his room or something. I kind of have a feeling why, but I – I don’t know,” said Evan as he finished buttoning his shirt, “I need to head over there. See if I can help.”

“Want me to drive you?” asked Tommy as he got out of bed, putting whatever clothes he could get his hands on onto himself.

“No, I – it’s going to be a mess. And I don’t know if Eddie wants more people coming over. Not that I wouldn’t want you there. Fuck. I would like you there. But…”

Tommy nodded.

Because he understood.

He wasn’t quite there yet. He wasn’t at that point. He wasn’t fully part of their family. And that wasn’t Tommy putting himself down, he just hadn’t been their long enough; hadn’t bonded enough with people.

That was okay.

Tommy could respect that.

“Let me – let me make you a coffee while you get all your things together,” said Tommy, making his way to the kitchen.

“You’re a lifesaver, thank you,” called Evan as he rushed over to Tommy’s bathroom to collect his toiletries.

Tommy made Evan’s coffee in a travel mug, wondering what else he could do.

If there was anything else.

Tommy grabbed an apple from his fruit bowl, washing it as Evan walked into the kitchen.

“For the road,” said Tommy as he handed Evan the apple and the mug.

Evan kissed him, fast and quick; still with morning breath.

“I’ll see you tonight,” said Evan as he headed toward the door, “I’ll make you dinner at my place, okay?”

“Text me when you get there,” said Tommy as the door closed, accidentally adding, “I love you.”

And.

Had Evan heard?

Tommy supposed he hadn’t; Evan wasn’t stumbling back into Tommy’s apartment, asking what Tommy just said.

Tommy sighed. He tried not to worry too much about Eddie and Christopher as he paced around, waiting for Evan's text.

Chapter Text

Tommy immediately went for his phone when he felt the ding.

EVAN: I’m at Eddie’s

EVAN: I’ll see you tonight, okay?

Could Tommy ask for an update? Would that be weird? Would that be asking too much? It had to be a family matter. Tommy could guess some possibilities, but he didn’t want to assume. He didn’t know what else to do but to text back something easy for Evan.

TOMMY: Of course

TOMMY: And it’s okay if it doesn’t work out either

TOMMY: We can meet up another time

And almost immediately, Evan texted back.

EVAN: I’d rather see you tonight

EVAN: But thank you

EVAN: I’ll update you soon

Tommy sighed as he plunked onto the couch.

Well.

At least Evan was there. Tommy wasn’t sure what Evan would be able to do to help Chris and Eddie. It felt as if Evan might be going into some impossible scenario, a real Kobayashi Maru. It felt like it would be unfair to place Evan in a situation like that.

No.

It wasn’t Tommy’s place to judge whatever was happening.

They were family. And sometimes, family asked a lot of a person. Tommy trusted Evan to know how much he could take, what he could do, what he was needed for. It was good that Evan was there. Evan was good with the kid. Tommy hoped it helped.

Tommy’s phone buzzed. Tommy jumped at it, thinking it might be Evan but – no.

It was Marisol.

Tommy felt bad that he was disappointed by that. Tommy felt ashamed that he was hoping Evan would want more support from him.

What was wrong with Tommy? Evan was dealing with an actual emergency.

MARISOL: My house

MARISOL: Day Drinking

Tommy frowned.

TOMMY: Why?

MARISOL: jsut

MARISOL: jus come

MARISOL: *JUST

Tommy had a bad feeling he knew why she wanted him there. That this had to do with what was happening with Eddie and Christopher. But Tommy was Marisol’s friend too, right? Even if it felt like all she did most of the time was use Tommy as a sounding board for her own problems with Eddie. But she was going through a lot, of course that would become the main topic of discussion.

TOMMY: I’ll be there soon

Tommy grabbed his car keys, ready to do something.

*****

“Tommy!” yelled Marisol as she opened the door.

“Suerte (Whenever, Wherever)” by Shakira blasted from behind her. Marisol was clearly already drunk.

“Marisol?” asked Tommy, a little worried.

“I know, I know. The tax fraud. Let me have this one song,” Marisol whined as she pulled Tommy into her house.

“I wasn’t thinking about that, but okay.”

Marisol shoved a shot into Tommy’s hand. Tommy probably shouldn’t drink that. He didn’t know what it was. Marisol looked so expectantly at Tommy.

Tommy didn’t take the shot. He set it aside on the coffee table in the living room.

“Boo.”

“Evan’s busy right now, I can’t just call him to pick me up.”

“Oh. Right. I bet he is.”

Tommy didn’t like that tone.

But Marisol was probably stressed out. Something definitely happened. Still, Tommy asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She rolled her eyes.

“Sorry. Right. Evan is untouchable.”

Tommy didn’t like that either.

“He hasn’t done anything to you,” said Tommy, and he thought they had already worked this out.

“Bet you’ll be okay with him siding with Eddie too, huh?”

Tommy wasn’t sure how to broach the conversation. Why he was even here. He had to ask. He needed to know what was happening. But he didn’t want to be terse or unkind about it.

Apparently, Tommy didn’t have to bring it up, because Marisol did.

“Eddie cheated on me with his doppelgänger ghost wife.”

Tommy.

Stared at her for a while.

Tommy walked a lap around Marisol’s coffee table.

He grabbed the shot glass from earlier.

He took the shot.

He stared at Marisol again.

He sat down on Marisol’s couch.

“What did you just say?” asked Tommy, not sure if he actually comprehended the sentence Marisol announced.

What came from Marisol’s mouth was a tale that sounded almost stranger than fiction. A story of dead wives, secret dates, the excuse of only “an emotional affair”, and Marisol and Christopher walking in to find Eddie in the act of some sort of “catharsis dead wife roleplay”.

Tommy wasn’t sure if he understood everything he just heard.

He wasn’t sure if he would believe it if not for the fact that the Diaz household was currently having an intense meltdown at the moment as well.

And then.

Tommy remembered.

“When we day drank last time – you said he was acting weird on your last date,” said Tommy, and Marisol nodded profusely, “My, uh. My memory’s a little spotty of that day, but Marisol. The last time I talked to him before we day drank, I talked to him about a date I thought he had with you. But that was a date when Evan had taken care of Christopher. It was in between that date you told me about and the Thursday pickup game.”

Marisol.

Glared at him.

“You knew about one of her dates and didn’t tell me?” asked Marisol angrily.

Tommy raised his hands.

“Hey. No. We were interrupted by Evan picking me up and I forgot about the revelation up until now. I didn’t know there were any dots to connect and I was very drunk.”

Marisol didn’t seem all that happy with that answer.

She rolled her eyes, but… nodded.

“Okay. Fine. Whatever. This is all so much. I’m not even sure if I understand. But now it’s over. It’s fucking over with Eddie, you know?”

Marisol sighed.

“Do you think girls are easier to date?” asked Marisol.

Tommy felt like, sometimes, straight people were like this. They were just – weird sometimes when they learned someone was queer. Then, they said shit like this to queer folk like that was normal.

And Tommy reminded himself that Marisol was his friend.

And that sometimes, it took people time to figure out how to act.

And Tommy was a patient man.

“I wouldn’t know,” Tommy responded dryly, “Most got bored after a while with me.”

“Aw, fuck that. You’re great,” Marisol said into another shot, “But maybe it’s better you’re dating Buck.”

“I’d like to think so. I actually like him, for one.”

The song turned to “Irreplaceable” by Beyoncé and – Marisol proceeded to cry.

Hard.

“What’s wrong?” asked Tommy, like that wasn’t obvious.

A soap opera just happened to Marisol.

“This was our song,” sobbed Marisol, ugly crying.

“What?”

Tommy couldn’t have heard that right.

“It was funny at the time. Like ‘Ha ha, I’m moving in, I’m moving out,’ it was cute,” said Marisol, and Tommy wasn’t sure if that was cute, “Now it feels like a red flag.”

“Yeah,” said Tommy, “You think?”

Marisol grabbed five tissues at once, wiping her entire face as she sat next to Tommy on her couch.

“Why do you get a fairy tale romcom and I don’t?” asked Marisol.

As if there were limited amounts of happiness out there and a slot could be taken from someone. And that felt like a weird thing to say to Tommy. But she was going through something, Tommy shouldn’t judge.

“I don’t think it’s a competition for romcom slots. I just – I don’t know what I did. I wouldn’t say it just happened. But it just worked with us. I guess. We didn’t have a perfect start or anything,” Tommy said and, well, Marisol might have scoffed at that, which felt a little off; Tommy was still haunted by his bad first date with Evan, “But we put in the effort. None of this means you can’t do better. You can have a better relationship with someone else. God knows I have had the worst luck with people all my life.”

“Can we stop talking about you and your relationship? I’m kind of going through something right now,” said Marisol.

Like.

She wasn’t the one who brought it up first.

“Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was making this about me,” said Tommy, because she might need to hear that more than Tommy needed to say that she brought it up first.

Tommy could give her grace.

“You know, I put all this pressure on myself to be what he wanted. And I assumed he did the same for me too. But you’re not really doing that when you’re having catharsis roleplay with your dead wife’s doppelgänger who you’re seeing behind my back, now, are you? What’s wrong with him, right?” asked Marisol, letting out something between a laugh and a sob, “The funny thing is that I feel like I failed him. That I did all this stuff to jump through all his hoops and I fell short. What’s wrong with me?”

Tommy didn’t know what to say.

Marisol slumped on his side, wiping her eyes with her several tissues.

“I put over a year into that relationship! That should have counted for something. I did everything right.”

Tommy frowned.

Tommy didn’t know if he should say anything. But Tommy couldn’t not say something.

“Marisol…” Tommy said, as he tried to be careful and kind with his words, “I know you put time into your relationship with Eddie, but you’re not owed anything for time.”

Marisol.

Straightened up.

She looked at Tommy cautiously; neutrally. Tommy felt the air grow thick with a tension that wasn’t there before.

Or maybe Tommy was overthinking this.

“What? Are you saying that because it’s been going so well for you and Buck? Get over yourself.”

That.

Felt harsh.

But Marisol was upset, Tommy should give her the benefit of the doubt.

“No. I just mean it’s not – it’s not an exchange. No one is entitled to anything.”

“He sure felt entitled to babysitting,” spat Marisol.

Okay.

Maybe Tommy wasn’t overthinking this. Tommy was feeling the tightrope and he didn’t know what would tip him off the edge.

“That’s not the point,” Tommy said gently, “Love isn’t something you earn. Or are rewarded with for being good enough. It’s gifted. You give what you can. They give what they can. Sometimes, people just can’t give enough or pour all themselves in and it’s just not reciprocated. I’m sorry it wasn’t.”

Marisol looked at Tommy reluctantly, before she sighed and took another shot of tequila.

“What the fuck just happened to me?” asked Marisol as she held her head in her hands.

Tommy didn’t know.

“There’s no excuse for what he did. It does sound like Eddie had a lot of problems that he needed to work out well before met you. He probably wasn’t ready for a relationship even before he met you,” Tommy offered.

Because it wasn’t Marisol’s fault this all happened. But Marisol didn’t seem to take Tommy’s words like that. Tommy’s words seemed to hit a landmine.

“What the fuck? What’s with that but? Why are you excusing him if there’s no excuse?”

Tommy was a little taken aback.

“I wasn’t making any excuses. And I didn’t say ‘but’.”

“You meant it, though.”

“Marisol – ”

Marisol shook her head angrily.

“I’m not going to be – be gaslit just because you want to defend a cheater.”

Now, Tommy was a little mad.

“I didn’t say that. I wasn’t defending a cheater,” Tommy said, no fire in the words but firm in his conviction.

Because Tommy didn’t condone cheating. Cheating was a particularly terrible thing to do to someone. It meant that you didn’t care how you hurt the person you were dating. It didn’t matter if your action hurt them. And if you cared about them so little, why not break up with them before choosing to be with someone else?

Marisol didn’t seem like she wanted to listen, though.

It felt like she was looking for any excuse to be mad at Tommy.

Marisol should be mad about all of this. And maybe Tommy wasn’t helping. Maybe he deserved some of this.

“Can’t you just be here for me?”

Tommy didn’t understand.

“I am here for you. I wouldn’t be at your house if I wasn’t here for you.”

Marisol stood up, shaking her head.

“You’re not,” said Marisol, “Are you here for – for Eddie? Did Evan put you up to this?”

“What?”

“You’re not here for me.”

“Why would I be here for anyone else? Why would I drive out an hour away for someone else? I know you’re angry, but I’m not – I’m not a punching bag.”

Tommy didn’t say it in any real cadence. He kind of felt almost too polite in how he said the words, but Marisol took it like a slap to the face; a detrimental accusation to her very being; like he was judging her. And he wasn’t trying to. But he wished she wasn’t acting like this.

She didn’t sigh.

She didn’t apologize.

She tensed. Her whole tone was defensive as she asked, “Can’t you just support me?”

“That’s what I’m doing,” reiterated Tommy calmly.

“You’re not. You’re empathizing with Eddie over me.”

“How?”

She didn’t seem to hear Tommy’s question. She simply paced, drowning in a pool of her own insecurities. Tommy wasn’t a therapist. He barely had friendship experience. He didn’t know how to stop whatever was happening.

This didn’t feel like how friends should treat each other.

“You were always better friends with him. I should have known no one was in my corner. You’re probably in love with him or something.”

Tommy.

Tommy gaped.

He took a moment before, stunned, Tommy said, “Marisol. Why would you say that?”

She laughed, bitter. As if she figured it out.

“Yeah. Should have known all those Muay Thai sessions with you were suspicious.”

Tommy shrank lower into the couch.

Had Marisol always thought this? Was she just saying it because she was mad? Did it matter either way?

Tommy wasn’t sure why he still thought he could talk her out of whatever thought she was going down. He hoped because they were, in fact, friends.

“Eddie and I are friends,” said Tommy quietly, “He’s straight. This has nothing to do with what happened. I’m not defending my friendship with your ex to you.”

“Weren’t you just friends with Buck?” said Marisol, a bit of a frantic gotcha which made Tommy feel a little nauseous, “And then you turned him – ”

Tommy could take a lot, but he didn’t have a lot of patience with Marisol knocking Evan again. Especially since they had an entire heart-to-heart about it.

Did she really listen? Or did she just say that to appease Tommy?

Didn’t matter.

Tommy interrupted her immediately, shutting whatever she was about to say down with a firm, “Evan is his own person. He would have figured himself out without me. I know you’re angry but Evan’s got nothing to do with how you’re feeling.”

“Are you sure he doesn’t? He’s pretty close to Eddie too. Why aren’t you insecure about that?” asked Marisol as if – as if projecting.

Fuck that.

“Men can have close friendships,” said Tommy, “And I don’t infantilize my boyfriend. He knows how he feels about the people around him. He knows how he feels about me. He knows how he feels about Eddie. Families don’t always look like the cookie cutter. I’d never feel insecure just because Evan’s family isn’t what people assume a family should be.”

Marisol shifted gears a bit, exasperated and – and a little entitled.

Maybe that was the problem.

“Shouldn’t we be in this together? Shouldn’t you be like, ‘Go girl, good for you breaking up with that bitch?’”

She always felt owed something. And that wasn’t to say she shouldn’t have things or be given things, but she had assumptions of what others should do for her; allow her to be; where they should fit in her life.

And Tommy told her before.

He wasn’t a gay best friend.

“Marisol, you know that’s not even how I talk.”

“Yeah, because you’re sneaky and hide it.”

What?

“No. Because I don’t talk like that.”

“But you are sassy.”

Tommy felt uncomfortable with all this. Had Marisol been thinking this the entire time? Or is this her rage pushed onto Tommy because he was there? Did it matter what her reason behind it was if she was still saying those sorts of things to Tommy?

“No, I’m – I’m dry. It’s different. We are friends, though. Please. I know a lot has happened, but this can’t possibly be helping you.”

Hurting me can’t possibly be helping you.

“Or – or maybe you have this twisted idea of friendship. Why am I always the wrong one, huh? Maybe you’re wrong sometimes. Maybe you’re wrong right now. Not like you had friends before Eddie. You were always down on me and him. I bet you were rooting for this – well, you got what you wanted. It didn’t work out.”

Tommy shrank even more.

“I wasn’t rooting for this. I didn’t want anything.”

Marisol laughed.

“No, you did. You wanted to be liked. You wanted a friend. Or maybe more. So desperate that you clung to easy prey?”

Tommy furrowed his brow.

“What?”

“Or maybe Evan was easier prey. He was always a little too desperate for love. It was embarrassing.”

Okay.

Tommy was actually mad now.

That was loaded. A lot of what she had said had felt loaded, but this particularly stung. Tommy didn’t know if Marisol got how loaded that was. Tommy wasn’t sure if he cared if she knew or not at this point.

Tommy stood up.

“You can be mad about what happened. You can be mad about Eddie. I’m not sure why, but, sure, you can be mad at me,” Tommy said, and Tommy wasn’t one to raise his voice, he didn’t like being scary or intimidating, but he could speak plainly, “You don’t get to take your anger out on Evan. You don’t get to talk badly about my boyfriend. Again. Why are you always so quick to jump there?”

Marisol didn’t look like she had a good answer.

“Out,” Marisol said finally, “Get out of my house. People reveling in my pain aren’t allowed in my home.”

Tommy took a breath.

He was patient.

He could be patient.

“Marisol.”

“Out, you – ”

Tommy flinched, waiting for what would come next. Marisol stopped herself. Whatever she was going to say left in her seething look. Tommy felt even more nauseous. He wasn’t sure if patience and words were going to help whatever was happening right now.

Marisol pointed at her door.

“Just. Out.”

Tommy.

Left.

At the door, Tommy gave her his final words.

“I’m sorry that happened to you. I really am. I hope you find someone better for you.”

And as Tommy closed her door, Tommy felt like this would be the last time he would see Marisol. Still, Tommy wondered – Had he deserved that?

The thought wriggled in his mind as he got to his El Camino.

He sat in his car for a moment, wondering where he went wrong.

Though.

Tommy was sure the conversation hadn’t started off well.

And as Tommy began to pull out of the driveway, Tommy felt… like he didn’t deserve that. As he started to drive away, he was pretty sure he didn’t deserve that.

Tommy wasn’t the perfect, echoing person she thought she would get in him. He never was. Or at least, he hadn’t been since he became more himself; allowed himself to be who he wanted to be. Tommy was always going to be, ironically, a straight shooter, even with his dry sense of humor. And maybe she had realized that. Maybe she didn’t want to admit that what she perceived of their friendship was different than reality. Maybe she needed someone to yell at and she was pissed Tommy really wasn’t the person she wanted him to be.

That sucked. It hurt to feel like he had a friend.

It hurt to know that the person he thought was a friend was still hurting, now alone.

And now he wasn’t even sure if he had a friend or he had someone who had this weird, idealized version of Tommy that he never was.

Yeah.

Tommy was pretty sure he was never going back there again.