Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You remember the way you felt around him. You felt like an empress and the entire world was your empire. Suguru had been your best friend from childhood. You were from the same quaint village. Your families had known each other for generations. You would chase each other around the village, hiding in the woods until the elders came out using their techniques to find you two.

Whispers went around since you were a child that the two of you would be perfect marriage partners. Both of you had considerable lineages and powerful bloodline techniques. As you grew up and matured, your friendship and bond with him only deepened. That was, until you both transferred to Jujutsu high freshman year and met Satoru Gojo. At first you distrusted the snowy haired crystal eyed boy who fought neck and neck with your bestie Suguru.

For awhile you clung to Suguru while adjusting to life in Tokyo. Things were so different here, and fast paced. Luckily there was another girl, Shoko Leiri who helped you adjust. The four of you made a team, and your skills significantly balanced out the four. You could fight and support- you were the in between while Suguru and Satoru faced the front lines.

Shoko quickly became your best friend, the first girl who you felt comfortable around. She was relaxed and wasn’t afraid to speak her mind or tell you what she really thought. If something bothered her, she would make it known. You loved that there were no barriers or shadows to hide behind. She was kind of a troublemaker- your parents always warned you about women who smoked; but isn’t it funny they don’t say the same things about men? You learned alot that first year, about how modern women are in modern society. You realized looking back- how small and backwards things were in that tiny village out in the hills.

“Hey, y/n, where’s Suguru?” Shoko asked as you walked into class. You looked behind you, expecting him to be there, but he wasn’t. You shrugged, looking surprised. You both peered out into the hallway and saw Suguru and Satoru butting heads literally, looking like they were a second away from an explosion. You rush forward and put yourself in between them, shoving them backwards. Satoru’s hand reached out and snagged your wrist and pulled you into his arms, a dark laugh escaping his lean chest. He pulled you flush against him, almost like he was holding you hostage. A feral snarl ripped from Suguru’s chest, making your mouth fall open as you immediately went towards him- but Satoru’s hands, which were getting kind of nosy on your body- kept you back.

“Gojo!” You squeaked, pushing his hands off you, feeling a little uncomfortable he grabbed you like that in front of Suguru.
“Look what happened when I touched her,” Satoru sneered with a smug grin. You turn and give Satoru a questionable face before turning to Suguru, almost rushing into his arms. His hands fluttered around you, pulling you closer to him but not fully into his arms.

“Leave her alone,” Suguru spat, his deep baritone voice dripping with venom. You shudder softly in his arms. You were still in highschool, what the hell was this possessiveness?

“What the hell is going on?” you ask, the words falling out of your mouth and making heads turn towards you. Suguru’s expression softened and he hugged you gently against him, caressing the back of your head tenderly, as if you were the most precious person in his world.

“Satoru is just jealous,” Suguru said softly, a soft smile on his perfect lips.

“Of what?” Shoko asked, nosing in. Satoru sighed and groaned loudly, hearing more footsteps coming down the hall.
“Nothing!” Satoru insisted, rolling his eyes.
“Satoru you can’t have all the attention,” Shoko teased, kind of getting the vibe of the situation.
“Exactly!” Suguru laughed, kissing the top of your head.
“Suguru?” you whisper, gripping his shirt and looking up at him. He looked down at you, his mouth forming a soft ‘o’ as he realized you were concerned.
“Yes?”
“Suguru, why are you acting like this?” You knew why, but you never had discussed it- used words out loud in real life. The unspoken bond and love you shared your entire lives felt palpable in the thick air as he held you close to his body.
“I love you, y/n. You’re mine, aren’t you? We’ve always been special.” he said it so easily, as if it was so simple and easy for him. You nearly melted into his arms, reaching up and caressing his face, cupping his jaw as you stood on your tip toes and kissed him. His arms wrapped tightly around you and he lifted you into his arms, kissing you in the hallway.

“Break it up, children!” Yaga’s voice rung out and you both jumped as you rushed into the classroom and pretended as if gravity hadn’t been altered for that moment.

–

Years went by and you two became intimate- very intimate. You practically moved in with each other as soon as you turned 18. Soon you were both working for the school, helping sorcerer society. Satoru always flirted with you, but you never paid him any attention. Soon Satoru was barely even in japan. He was always overseas working special contracts. You stayed in a team with Suguru, and you witnessed his slow decline as you both ended up having to cull countless curses. You were asked to do horrible things. You did them together, but you always retained hope it was for the better of things. Finally one day, you came home, but Suguru wasn’t there. All that was left was a letter, short and simple.

“I can’t do it anymore, y/n. I’m gonna go off the radar for awhile. I can’t take you with me. I won’t take you with me. I’m not going to drown you alongside me. I love you. Stay safe, take care of yourself.
Yours, Forever, Suguru.”

You collapsed onto the floor, the letter smeared with your tears. You slammed the doors open, rummaging around his things he left behind. He left literally everything he cared about. He didn’t take anything with him. Nothing. He just removed himself.

You didn’t leave your apartment for weeks, you didn’t eat, bathe, you just sort of broke- eventually Shoko and Yaga broke into your apartment and peeled you off your bed and forced you into a hospital. You slowly recovered physically but mentally you were empty. You told the doctors and everyone what they wanted to hear, so they would let you go. When you were finally released, you went back to your apartment and everything had been cleaned out. The only things that were left were your own things, or things your family obviously supplied. Everything with any trace of Suguru was gone. It was like he never existed in this space with you. It suddenly was just yours.

The organic home where you spent nights together, meals together, cooking together, wrapped in each other’s embrace, creating names for your future children- imagining life together, growing old together. It was gone.

They fried your brain until there wasn’t anything left. You couldn’t remember exactly what was said, or when things happened. But you had the blurry ghost of emotion left in certain places. You let your fingertips trail the kitchen counter- remembering the cutting board he had made himself from a rare piece of wood. It was gone. The same stove he almost blew up the apartment with sat in it’s same dreary place. Nothing major had changed physically but suddenly you didn’t feel as if it were a home anymore.

They really put a lot of effort to make you feel comfortable. They changed your bed, your couch, shower curtains, rugs- soft things were different. Even the curtains. They put effort into making the space a neutral place- they even asked if you’d rather live somewhere else- but you couldn’t just accept that. For some reason, that was too much? Maybe it would be because if he ever came looking for you, you’d be in the same place he left you?

Fuck, you thought. The electroconvulsive therapy did wonders on helping ease trauma and memories- but knowing the severe lack of Suguru still left a pit of emptiness inside your soul. You felt ashamed you put so much of your happiness into another person. It felt as if you had been scooped out and dumped onto the blistering hot pavement. Suddenly you were alone, viscerally afraid and empty- unable to process the innate fear within you. You were stuck- physically and mentally. You felt pathetic.

A knock at your door startled you from your numb recollection. You opened it, half hoping Suguru would have heard about your plight and come to sweep you away. But it’s was only Satoru. You tried not to let your disappointment become evident on your face but probably failed. Satoru was standing there with a flurry of emotions on his face, but sorrow and empathy was one you could recognize.

“Y/n?” he asked, your name sounding like grating glass on another man’s tongue. You tilt your head, looking up at him.

“Yes?” the words come from your throat, but you feel nothing. You didn’t even feel like you opened your mouth to speak.

“Can I come in?” he asked, offering you a basket filled with snacks and lavender scented items. You grab the basket and turn around, placing it on the counter and looking back at him. He let himself in and closed the door. His expression shifted to extreme concern.

“Y/n? What did they do to you? You’re definitely not okay- you seem out of it in a bad way, like catatonic? Do you need anything?” he asked so many questions. You sigh, waiting for him to stop talking. Your eyes burned and your head hurt when you thought about things too much- or listened too much, or spoke too much. You had the capacity of a toddler right now. No big words.

“Thank you Satoru, I’m okay. I’m just working through the process-”

“No really, I-I’m sorry I’m not him, but I wanted to come and tell you I’m sorry,” Satoru said quickly, the words falling out of his mouth like a broken dam. Your eyes widened at the mere mention of “him”. No one else even mentioned him around her anymore. Satoru noticed your reaction and bit his lip, furrowing his brows.

“I’m so sorry,” he gushed, tears pricking his eyes. He rushed forward and hugged you tightly. Your hands went up to his chest and pushed him back slightly- your breath had caught in your throat and you felt your heart speeding at physical contact. It felt wrong to touch anyone, especially a man who wasn’t Suguru. You tried not to have a full on panic attack but your temples started to sweat and your cheeks turned red.

“It’s fine, they helped me alot,” you lie, only grateful the shock treatment helped erase so many memories. But you were still aware of the fact they were there- now you could feel the absence. You couldn’t tell what was worse. Not feeling things, feeling the abyss, or the knowledge of a deficit. All of it sucked.

“I heard they used electro shock treatment on you,” he said, looking down at you, patting your shoulders as if to remind himself you were okay- standing right in front of him.

“Yeah, it helped me forget. That’s not what it’s meant for- it’s meant to just take away the suicidal ideation or extreme depressive feelings that medicine can’t fix. My memory is damaged now, and I’m kind of slow right now- mentally. I’m on alot of meds, and I’m doing therapy three times a week. But they keep telling me I’ll be fine. It just takes time.”

“So they had to hard reset you?” he tried joking, and you actually smile a little- because it really was kinda like that.

“Yeah, basically,” you laugh, a tiny grin forming on your lips.

He smiled, looking down at you, a new sheen of color on his face. He looked relieved.

“I’m sorry about all of this,” he said, looking around, taking a big gulp.

“It’s fine, Satoru- we all lost someone.” It was hard to admit, since you were planning on marrying and starting a family with Suguru- but everyone suffered a loss. Satoru lost his best friend, Shoko lost a friend, Yaga lost his student. All of you were suffering. It wasn’t fair you got the primary spot of mourning for him when everyone else was probably just as mortified and heartbroken as you were.

“Yeah- but”
“Stop it, don’t back track,”
“I’m sorry,”
“Me too,”
“Yeah…”
“How’s shoko? Haven’t seen her since she helped me to the hospital..” you trail off towards the end. You were in such a state of misery when she found you- you were worried if she even wanted to be friends anymore after all this.
“She’s good, burying herself in her work, as usual,”
“I can’t wait to get back to work,” you say gently.
“It might be awhile though, huh?” he asked, looking down.
“Yeah.”

—

Months passed, you did your therapies and took your meds and slowly - you rekindled your friendships with your schoolmates, family, made new friends. You adopted a dog, who helped give you something to go home to. Satoru and you grew closer, but you were always hesitant with him. He was so eager to jump into deep emotions or entanglements. But you felt wrong allowing him to address you certain ways. Those terms and gestures were meant for someone else.

Soon, months evolved into years and your pain eased, just as they said it would. It still was a wound, it might heal but the flesh would always be weak. And you were going through the process of accepting this new version of reality. Emotional trauma isn’t something that can be healed completely or all at once. You went through phases where you were angry, hated Suguru- wanted to hunt him down and kill him. But then it eased to just nothingness- numbness. You worked through the trauma, abandonment- you still couldn’t sleep right at night, still had nightmares- but you figured these would just be there forever. You blossomed again, as best as you could- living in a new phase of your life.

—-

You were standing with Satoru, smiling as you talked. You liked the way the sun caught his hair and eyes and he seemed to glow in the sunshine. He smiled alot, and was very funny. He was always kind these days, since he started teaching. He’s arrogant flippant attitude from teen hood was gone. He was thoughtful now, and compassionate- considerate even. He sometimes would linger here and there, waiting on you- his hands lingering on your shoulder, or his thumb rubbing your knuckles when he would help you up. He started coming over more. You cooked for him and he cooked for you. You two had your own traditions you’d do now when you found something new, or cool to show each other. Slowly you felt yourself feeling soft and fuzzy towards Satoru.

One day you were browsing the market, looking for fresh produce when someone with an unknown aura came behind you and whispered for you to follow without incident. They had cursed energy flowing from them like needles. You obeyed, never knowing if it was real or a joke. It was a young school aged girl, she looked familiar. Like one of the little girls from the village. She led you down a few streets and then into a building that looked sort of like some sort of church. She looked around, narrowing her eyes at everything. You were brought into a dark room, and you braced herself but the girl met another girl and they led you down to a lighter room with big windows. Inside was a tall, wide, dark haired man. You felt your innards tighten as you looked up at him. It had to be him.

“Suguru?” you whispered, looking up at him. You clutched your bag to your tightly, feeling as if you were about to pass out or die.

“My love,” his voice was deep, dark, and full of agony. He turned, facing her, his face taut with pain.

“Suguru?” you whisper again, taking a step back.

“I’ve been looking for you,” he said hoarsely, clearing his throat.

“I thought you didn’t want me,” you whisper, eyes wide, staring hard into the floor- too scared to look up at his face.

“That was a lie,”

“Why did you lie,” your tone shifted the slightest bit accusatory.

“I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t want to drag you into trouble-”

“Suguru-” you begin, tears streaming down your face. You clenched your fists at your sides and grit your jaw until you feel your face is going to break. You couldn’t do this; you had worked so hard to feel okay again. He didn’t have the right to take that from you. You turned to leave, wiping the snot and tears from your face with the back of your sleeve.

“I found out they did terrible things to you,” he said, suddenly in front of you- his presence dominating yours. You feel yourself go limp as he gently pulls you into his arms. His priest robes flowing around you as he envelopes you.

You stiffen, parts of you wanting to flee and parts of you gushing towards him- needing him.
“Leave me alone, Suguru,” you say softly, shaking your head and pushing against his massive chest with your small, soft hands. He was so much bulkier than Satoru, such a large man.

His hand traced the curve of your back, leaving tingles shooting up and down your spine. You bit your lips into a fine line and pushed against him.

“You really want to go back to Satoru?” He asked, his voice dripping with resentment.

“I don’t want to be with anyone- ever again.” You answer, truthfully- a dark laugh escaping your lips and you bury your face into your hands.

“I’m so sorry, y/n,” Suguru said softly, caressing your head, running his large thick fingers through your hair. Your skin shivers and tingles from his touch. Your body reacted so easily and naturally to him- it was maddening how good it felt. You were terrified. If he had told you those years ago he wanted to go rogue for whatever reason- you would have jumped ship with him, no hesitation. But he abandoned you instead.

“You know I would have followed you with no hesitation?” You ask, your voice venomous as you pushed against him again.

“I know..” he answers softly, his arms loosening on you slightly.

“Why did you abandon me?” You ask, glaring up at him with a psychotic glare, your eyes pin pointing onto his- assessing his perfect face for any sign of deception. His lips pulled into a frown and his brows furrowed. He had deep dark bags under his eyes and he looked like he had aged longer than he had been gone. He sighed, gazing down into your eyes, his hands reaching up and cupping your face gently.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” he admits, looking down ashamed, “but I see I actually did the opposite- I’m so sorry y/n.”

His dark brown eyes gazed down at you with pleasing intensity, his hands trembled gently as he stared down at you- and the hollowed out woman you had become. You were skinny now, your skin pallid and pale, hair thinner and frail, eyes dim. You were a ghost of the past- living and breathing, trying to survive without him. It was so obvious how poorly you were doing, he was taking it all in now- realizing the depths of the misery he caused.

You didn’t know what to say to him. You wanted to jump back into his arms and forget anything had actually happened and go back to wherever he was- forever. But a big part of you also didn’t. You didn’t trust him like that anymore. And you had been working hard to feel human again:

“I’ve got to go,’Suguru,” you say softly, pulling away. He didn’t want to let you go- you could feel the tension in his arms:

“Why did you leave? What are you doing now?” You ask last second, curious to what took him away in the first place.

He looked down at you with a sad expression, “I realized how shit the world and humans are- and I want to cull all the non sorcerers so that there is better control of curses, and I think the world would be a better place fo be,” he said, shrugging softly: you almost laugh at him; but don’t. This was exactly what you had been talking to him about before he vanished. How the world was fucked regardless- humanity was doomed by its own nature. The jobs they were doing was almost pointless- because once one thing is corrected, three more problems fill its place. Constant bullshit. You sighed and shook your head, feeling utterly speechless that he went to pursue that without you; especially since you had been the one to say it out loud first. This is bullshit and fucking ridiculous. You really had nothing to say- he knew it too.

He let you go, and you walked home in silence. Did any of that really actually just fucking happen?

—

The next few months you had gotten a few letters through weird ways from Suguru. He wanted to talk, to meet, to see you. Since he brought you to him that time he hadn’t been able to keep himself steady.

You felt the bloody bitter tinge of irony in your mouth as you chewed the inside of your cheek while you did everyday things now. You stopped hanging out with Satoru as much because you really didn’t feel like talking to anyone anymore. He understood, because he is a really good persons and friend- but you felt guilty you didn’t also tell him you met with Suguru: you figured Suguru would want to remain anonymous and hidden.

You felt Satoru’s puppy dog eyes watch you from across meetings and classrooms. You felt the intense gaze of him from afar, he never tried to hide his feelings. You felt bad, but you couldn’t tell anyone the truth- not even shoko.

You started teaching, and helping Shoko around her practice. You picked up odd jobs too- bullshit jobs that you didn’t really care about or want to do- you didn’t even need the money you just couldn’t keep still because you were so scared of letting everyone down by running back to him. He was all you thought about, day and night. It’s almost like you revisit that church and that room in that moment with him everytime you stopped to think or sleep. Your memory was so fragile from day to day - mundane things, you couldn’t remember what you ate for breakfast an hour ago- but you can remember the wrinkles in his face and the yearning in his eyes as he spoke to you. You remembered the tiny hairs on your lip twitching and tingling as his breath swept across your lips and you breathed in his scent. His body heat next to yours, while you felt so empty and void- he was so vibrant and warm. Every part of him fit into every broken piece of you- even though he’s the reason you’re so shattered.

You did feel shame, guilt, and remorse for these conflicting feelings. Why would or should you feel anything for the man who left without a word? You battled this question daily, by the hour and sometimes by the minute. Especially on the days you didn’t manage to shove something into your schedule and you were reduced to sobbing in your bathtub, rocking yourself back and forth with the music playing so loud no one could hear your muffled howls.

–

You had just finished sobbing, showered and tried to do skin care but settled for just toner and moisturizer. You wrapped your heavy hair in a towel and tried to get online and busy yourself with stupid things on blog sites- things that didn’t mean anything. A knock at your door sounded almost like a joke at first, but it came again and you growled- thinking who the fuck would come uninvited? A tiny part of you hoped it was him.

You flung open the door to be disappointed to see Satoru’s gleaming white hair in the evening sun. You frowned, a bad habit you developed on the rare days you didn’t go outside and interact with others.
“Satoru? What is it?” you ask, looking up at him with a disgruntled expression. He was just staring down at you, mouth open eyes wide as you glared at him. You took a step back and realized you were glaring at him, cursing aloud and wringing your hands at your sides.

“Shit, sorry, Toru- I’m sorry I’m not mad at you, I promise. I really just wasn’t expecting anyone-” you feel your brows pull upwards and your grimace deepen as he just smiled down at you, like you didn’t just hurt his feelings. Something burned inside of you- in that moment, something that had deeply rooted itself into your core since the beginning. You loathed the person you had become- loathed the fact that other’s put so much energy and affection into you, only for it to be wasted- just because you couldn’t get over a single man who discarded you so easily. How was that man able to make you into this?

Cold, unfeeling, miserable, devoid of - anything. You were so numb, you stood there watching everything unfold as if by divine intervention. Satoru bowed his head softly, barely noticeable- and he spoke.

“Was I not who you expected?” he asked, his voice twisting with cold hurt. You felt the knife twisting inside of you and you took another step back like you got slapped in the face.

“No? Toru- no.”

“I know you still love him, but you always look so disappointed when it’s just me,” his voice crumpled and his head hung. You had never felt so low in your entire life. He was your friend, he was kind, he was gentle, he had been there since you fell apart- you knew he liked you, but you hadn’t even- fuck! Ever since Suguru showed himself I haven’t been right. I must have led him along. Fuck fuck fuck- I didn’t meant to hurt him- he didn’t deserve it. Your thoughts ran wild as you slammed face first into the horrible conclusion.

“Fuck, Satoru- I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say-” you blurt out, putting your hands on your temples, feeling like you were watching a car accident in action. He smiled sadly and looked down at you, tears edging his soft, snow white lashes.

“I’m not mad at you, y/n, I understand,” he said- but you didn’t believe him. How could he?

You stood there rubbing your head and face, your eyes just continued to burn no matter how much you slept or how well you ate or drank enough water. You couldn’t shake the grimy grit that formed in your eyelids, in the creases of your fingertips, under your nails, under your skin- you never felt clean or right or good- you couldn’t do this anymore.

“I’m sorry, Satoru Gojo- I never intended on hurting you,” you say it with such severe conviction and seriousness he actually does a double take and looks down at you seriously.

“Y/n?” he almost yelled, narrowing his eyes and looking down at you as if you were going to fall apart on site.
“Are you okay? Why did you say it like that?” he asked, crossing the boundary and stepping into your home, his touch gentle as feathers as he steered you back inside as you began to shake. He closed the door and locked it- relieving a tiny acre of your anxiety. He turned to you in the blink of an eye, his hands on your shoulders.

“I’m so sorry y/n, I didn’t know that would upset you- I’m sorry” he said softly, leading you to your couch. You couldn’t form thoughts anymore, you bit into your cheeks until you could taste the familiar sting of your own blood in your mouth. You swallowed hard, trying hard to just listen to your own breaths and heartbeat. It’s okay its okay its okay- you chanted to yourself in your head. His voice startled you again, which startled him- and he suddenly looked very uncomfortable.

“I-I can leave, you know- I really didn’t mean to hurt you, y/n. I-I would never want to make you feel that way- I I love you, I want to help you, but I don’t know how-” he sounded so far away and sad- and you gripped your hair and tugged on it just a bit before rubbing your head rocking back and forth as the emotions assaulted you like torrential rain. You spent so long hurting over him and here you were making someone else feel the same way- all because you were trapped in a prison of remembering the man who came before. You felt disgusted with yourself.

“I’m sorry, Toru,” you say, your eyes wide, tears pouring from them without control. Your face began to run wildly and soon you were sobbing into his shirt- dirtying it beyond description. He never even mentioned anything else- he just kept asking how he could help, what did you need, did he need to leave? NO, no please don’t leave- i don’t want to be alone.

“Please stay, Toru,” you plead, clinging to him like a drowning puppy. He looked down at you, a flicker of hope in his eyes. But was it wrong? Could you even love again? You looked up at him, not knowing what you needed- he picked you up in his lean arms- he was still so strong. He lifted you to your bedroom, asked for permission before everything- you allowed him, you felt safe with him, he bathed you, sitting by the tub while he helped you cleanse yourself. He even remembered your favorite lotion and helped you do your skin care before wrapping you in a clean cotton towel and tucking you into bed. He didn’t try to sleep in the same bed as you, he tucked you in and held your hand as you fell into a restless sleep.

When you woke up, you were hyperventilating- thrashing from a wild nightmare. They had all become so normal they blended into the background and became general horror- a sense of dread and confounding terror so general you could jump at the sound of your own voice. You were silent now, loud noises tore your brain into pieces. You opened your eyes to see Satoru asleep in a armchair in your room. He was fully clothed with the blanket from the living room draped over him so lightly. Your heart ached to see him there- so noble and knightly. He was so kind, too kind. You didn’t deserve it- not when you felt like you could just fly back into his arms, and help him devour the world.

What the fuck am I going to do?

—

Chapter Text

You blinked, remembering Satoru was sleeping in front of you. He looked peaceful, but it was obvious he wasn’t getting enough sleep. He looked like an angel, even with dark circles under his eyes. You couldn’t help but feel grateful to have someone like him around- despite the fact you didn’t feel as if you could just jump into his arms and forget your sadness. You wander a bit closer to him, your fingers tracing over the velvety arm of the couch he was curled up in. You brought your fingers over his shoulders, feeling how warm he felt- radiating there like the sun itself. But did you deserve it?

Maybe I do, I deserve to be happy again.

You bite your lip and lean forward, nudging Satoru’s shoulder gently. He inhaled sharply, jumping ever so slightly but his expression melted into a goofy lopsided smile as he looked up at you,

“Y/n, goodmorning!” he said sweetly, reaching with his hand and squeezing your hand gently. You find yourself able to smile, feeling a deep scab fall off your heart and reveal something that had been neglected for far far too long.

– Turning Point Ending 1 - Choosing Satoru

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Toru,” you say, meaning every word. He smiled and stretched, standing and taking you into his arms. He hugged you gently, not too close- but you wrapped your arms around his torso and hugged him tightly. He nuzzled his cheek on the top of your head and he squeezed your shoulders as you embraced tightly. You buried your face into his sweatshirt, breathing in his scent- it was different than Suguru’s but it made you feel clean. Something new, something that wouldn’t hurt you so much.

You stood there for a few minutes, listening to his heart beat and slow even breaths. He had such a calm heart beat- it never changed. Yours was eternally changed by the trauma and medicines- you sometimes felt your heart skip beats or have palpitations where it’d beat fast even if you weren’t having an active panic attack. They told you it could be permanent, but if you found peace maybe you could return to normal- you craved it. You just wanted to be okay again.

So you took the leap, and you looked up at Satoru, speaking completely honestly.

“Toru, I hung back because I met Suguru again, and since then I’ve been suffering,” you shuddered at your admission and you felt him stiffen around you.

“You met up with him? Why? He’s a criminal, y/n,” Satoru said softly, concern laced in his voice as he stroked the back of your head.

“I didn’t purposefully meet up with him, he used one of his cronies to lead me to where he is- he didn’t have much to say, but since then I can’t stop thinking about him. But all I’m doing is hurting. I don’t want to hurt anymore-”

“Then don’t think about him, focus on something else, that’s why we’re here for you,” he reminded you.

You smile and hug him tightly again, “I know, and I love you guys- I don’t think I could leave my family.”

“You mean you thought about going off with him?” he asked, his voice deepening as he realized how serious this was.

“I won’t lie, it has crossed my mind- but I feel that would be betraying myself, since he left so easily. I don’t feel like he deserve me right now.”

“But he could win it back?” Satoru asked, pulling away and tilting your chin up to look into his face, his eyes looking troubled. You sigh, shaking your head.

“I really don’t know- I’m trying to be honest,” you say, the words coming out a little harder as you worry about being put on constant surveillance again.

“Satoru- I want to try giving you a chance,” you say suddenly, looking up at him, tears in your eyes.
“You’re the safest man I know, I trust you. But I’m not sure how ready I am- or if I’m ready at all- I don’t know if I could give you what you deserve.”

His eyes widen and look down at you with surprise, his fingers twitching on you, pulling you flush against him as if you could disappear into thin air. He clung to you, as if you were a ghost. You buried your face in his soft shirt and let the tears pour down your face as you felt the conflicting tempest swirling within you.

You’d never know if you never tried.

—

You spent the next few weeks casually dating Satoru, pushing him out of your mind as much as you could. You held Satoru’s hand in public, feeling him next to you made you feel safe and free. You always felt paranoid though, especially in public. You were worried people from the shadows were watching, damning you to eternal hellfire for betraying the one you once devoted yourself to.

He was so gentle, brushing his fingertips across your skin, featherlight- waiting for your permission to allow him into your space. He was always welcome, you found. Once you allowed him to touch you, to hug you, hold your hand, it seemed you couldn’t get enough of it. You had been touch starved for so long, you craved his attention.

He spent easy evenings with you in your apartment. Sometimes you would go to his, but you felt safer in your own- he easily obliged. He would cook for you, sing with you and dance like a fool in your kitchen. Your home was filled with laughter again. Easy conversation flowed between you, always with a laugh in between.

“So what do you think Shoko is going to do when she has to admit to her friend that she’s in love with her?” You asked, biting your lips as you two discussed the burning topic of Shoko and her “best friend” who she was clearly madly in love with.

“I don’t know, maybe she’ll end up like me if you didn’t want me? Alone, yearning?” he thought aloud, narrowing his eyes as the food he was cooking in the pan sizzled softly. He nudged it with chopsticks and flipped the meat over. He licked his lips, looking over at you from over his shoulder.

“It’s almost done!”

“Oooh!” You moaned as you tip toed over to him and looked into the pan. The panko tempura looked perfect- and you swallowed as you felt the hollow in your tummy growling. Without thinking you wrapped your arms around him from behind as he cooked, breathing in his scent and sighing in contentment.

“I love you, Y/n,” he said, his deep baritone buzzing deeply in his chest.

You squeeze him gently with your arms and smile, “I love you too, Toru,” you reply. You move and look up at him. He’s just gaping down at you like you told him the solution to world peace or the key to the universe. His astonishment melted into joy and he flashed you a wolfy grin and turned the stove off and swept you into his arms. You laughed as he twirled you around, littering your cheeks with kisses.

“You have no idea how long I waited to hear that, sweetheart,” he said, nuzzling you tightly as he wrapped you in his arms. You lay your head against his chest and listen to his breathing and heart, remembering the comfort of having someone to love like this. You bite your lips, feeling the guilt of leaving the past behind- but this was too real, too much to shove away. You weren’t gonna fight it anymore.

–

The first time Satoru kissed you, it made you see stars. He had kissed you hundreds of times before, but the kiss before you two began dancing under the covers were something else. His touch was reverent, sacred as he worshiped every inch of your soft skin.
His lips were soft, his strong arms held you against him and he caressed your hair as if it were made from stardust. He was so delicate with you, and you knew how he fought- so for him to display such gentleness and care made your toes curl with affection.

You closed your eyes and leaned into him, feeling his heat spreading into your cold stone. His hands migrated to your sides, grasping here and there. Your hands explored him too, reaching under his shirt- feeling the perfect contours of his sculpted musculature. Soon kisses turned to soft gasps and nips as your clothes shed off you like magic. Next it was just you two, naked in the bed, your bodies hot and covered in a sheen of sweat as you stroked and touched one another. He was always gentle, until you begged for more. Arching your back and biting your lips as he went down on you, making your cry out- screaming his name. He sucked and licked, the soft squelching of his fingers inside of you making you squirm and quiver until you found yourself peaking in his mouth and hands.

“Aah! Toru!” you cry out, grabbing his hair by your fists and riding his face through your waves of orgasm. He looked up once you were done and he smiled a wolfish smile, coming up over you, pressing his hard tip dripping with precum to your slick folds.

“Is it okay?” he asked, biting his lips as he pressed against you- but he never did anything without making sure you were okay. You nodded, whispering his name- arching back and closing your eyes as he pushed forward, sliding into you. Your cunt devoured his thick length to the hilt, sucking him in- begging to be fucked.

“Fuck me hard,” you whine, bucking your hips and wrapping your legs around him. He leaned down and kissed you softly, looking down at you- his eyes worshipping every ounce of you before he positioned himself and began to piston into you. His pelvis slammed into yours, and your bodies made the dirtiest noises and fwaps as he worked into your tight gummy walls. You were so filthy wet for him- he slipped in and out so easily, but the friction his long, thick cock created inside of you made you come multiple times before he began to peak. You screamed his name, clawing down his back as he began to drip with sweat as he concentrated into fucking you perfectly.

“Toru come in me, p’lease, I need it,” you whimper, your legs quivering from the overstimulation from coming so many times.

“Nng, y/n you sure?” he asked, his voice thick with emotion as he grinded methodically into you.

“I need it,” you beg, closing your eyes as you feel the coils in your gut begin to tighten again.

“Toru, come w’me,” you plead as your claws dig into his skin and you whisper his name like it was a dsperate prayer.

“Aghh, fuck, y/n, I’m gonna cum in you, you’re all mine, gonna fill you up,” he grunted as he leaned back, his face race and sweating as he pounded relentlessly until both of you came undone at the same moment.

“Ahh! Toru,” you moaned, gripping him possessively as you felt yourself fall apart and his stiff cock spewing thick ropes of cum deep inside you- filling you to your core. He collapsed beside you, pulling you into his arms and biting your neck.

“You’re mine, y/n,” he murmured, his cock twitching inside of you before he pulled out, pressing himself against your soft ass.

“I love you, Toru,” you say, reaching up and caressing his face, wiping away his damp hair away from his crystalline eyes. He smiled and held you close, cradling you as if you were the most delicate thing in the universe.

“I love you, y/n, always have, always will,” he promised. You nuzzled into him, feeling a completeness that you hadn’t felt in ages- something that was just yours. Something you wouldn’t allow to fall out of your hands again.

—

You walked to work together, holding hands and sharing coffee. He would always get something hot and bitter and you got cold and sweet. You always shared because you always wanted both. He would wake up before you some days and make breakfast, whistling softly as you crawled out of bed with fuzzy eyes. His smile, his love- reserved only for you, took you by full force everyday you spent together. Soon he’s moving the rest of his stuff into your place- things quickly become crowded.

Soon, you’re both picking an apartment to move into, something you will share. You are both looking forward to a bigger space, but more importantly you two had started to discuss the future. What did you both want? Were you okay being just boyfriend and girlfriend? Or would you want more? Of course you wanted more, despite the guilt behind it- but none of that mattered anymore. Satoru had been your world for so long now, it was almost like the past was just a bad dream. Satoru knew you loved the idea of being a wife and being married. You talked about a fine home, something where you could grow forever in- and he was happy to share his dreams with you. He imagined one day being a dad, you being his wife and mother. The fact that a man was sharing this with you- that you were his ideal dream- sent your heart into pieces. After a lifetime of never feeling good enough, here was someone that saw you in complete from the start. He didn’t play around. Soon after that midnight conversation cradling in each other’s nakedness beneath your quilts- he met you by surprise, in front of your friends with a shining ring and a question that set your life into motion.

“Will you marry me, y/n?” he asked. You nodded, tears pouring from your eyes as you smiled and laughed as he slipped the beautiful ring on your finger and lifted you into his arms hugging you so tight you could barely breathe. You wrapped him in your arms and kissed him over and over until he reminded you there were others around.

From that day planning began, and with it came lots of people talking.

Everyone is excited: he’s asked you to marry him! What an honor, to marry into the Gojo family- that was all the other families were thinking of. But your friends and family were glad you found someone to be with, seeing as not too long ago you were hopelessly lost. Everyone was thrilled you made it out of that dark place, and even more excited at whose hand you were holding at the end of it. Your parents adored Satoru. He played with your baby cousins and siblings easily, all the other women adored him. The men respected him, he was able to provide- no one was troubled or worried at all. This couldn’t be more perfect.

The wedding was going to be the biggest event in recent years- everyone from everywhere was being invited. You let everyone have their fun with all the festivities- but the only thing you were concerned with was being Satoru’s wife at the end of the day.

Your wedding dress was on, fitting perfectly. It was snug and tight where it needed to be, and flowed elsewhere. You were the picture of ephemeral elegance. You stared at yourself in the mirror- almost shocked to blink and look at yourself- you were glowing. You still had that half dead version of yourself in your mind everytime you looked into the mirror. Sometimes you resembled her- other times you don’t even understand how you managed to stay alive during those years. Still, here you were- magnificent on your most important day of your life so far. You twirled in the mirror, your dress swishing softly in the dim light. You loved your dress, it made you feel like a goddess.

“You look perfect,” a deep voice uttered from the window, which hadn’t been open a moment ago. You clench your fists and look over to see Suguru standing by the open window, appraising you with his eyes as if you were a fine object. Your mouth hung open and you took several steps back until you bumped into the vanity behind you. He moved forward a few feet before stopping. His eyes were dark and shielded, his expression looking stiff.

“What do you want?” You managed to croak out, clenching the table behind you as you felt paralyzed by fear.

“I wanted to see you, before you seal the deal with Gojo,” he admitted, shrugging softly. He walked forward, brushing his thumb against your cheek as he moved a strand of your hair to the side. He cupped your face gently in his hands- which were rough now. He looked thinner, the dark shadows under his eyes had grown, and he had lines in his face that hadn’t been there before.

“Please leave,” you whisper, turning away from his touch- feeling everything inside of you freeze in his presence.

“Do you really want me to leave?” he asked, coming forward again and pulling you to him from the curve of your waist.

“Yes,” you answer, pushing against him.

“Why didn’t you come with me?” he asked, leaning in- you could smell him, he smelled of strong cigarettes and something bitter.

“You didn’t bother to take me in the first place,” you retort, anger flashing in you. You had suffered for him, you waited in agony to find him- you wanted to go with him- you would have watched the world burn with him if he hadn’t abandoned you.

“I’m sorry for that,” he says, his voice softening, you feel a tiny piece of you inside flip around for his deep voice, his touch igniting the old fires in your guts.

“Please leave, Suguru,” you say, pushing him away again- but he wouldn’t budge.

“I can’t,” he admitted, laughing coldly. You turn and looked at him, your expression angry and confused. What the fuck was he talking about? But when you turned, he was closer than you thought and his mouth slammed into yours, making you nearly scream but he held you tight and silenced you.

“Of everyone, you chose him,” Suguru growled, his voice dark and dangerous. You felt your insides stiffen and freeze again.

“Fuck you,” you whisper, barring your teeth and growling back at him, pushing him back. He looked down at you with an amused expression. He pulled you back towards him, grabbing you again. You try to scream but you cant and his hands are all over you. Someone else comes through the window and Suguru glances back with a wicked smile, almost deranged.

“Got her,” he affirms before placing his hand on your head and suddenly everything is dark and quiet and you go limp.

Chapter Text

You blinked, remembering Satoru was sleeping in front of you. He looked peaceful, but it was obvious he wasn’t getting enough sleep. He looked like an angel, even with dark circles under his eyes. You couldn’t help but feel grateful to have someone like him around- despite the fact you didn’t feel as if you could just jump into his arms and forget your sadness. You wander a bit closer to him, your fingers tracing over the velvety arm of the couch he was curled up in. You brought your fingers over his shoulders, feeling how warm he felt- radiating there like the sun itself. But did you deserve it?

Maybe I do, I deserve to be happy again.

You bite your lip and lean forward, nudging Satoru’s shoulder gently. He inhaled sharply, jumping ever so slightly but his expression melted into a goofy lopsided smile as he looked up at you,

“Y/n, goodmorning!” he said sweetly, reaching with his hand and squeezing your hand gently. You find yourself able to smile, feeling a deep scab fall off your heart and reveal something that had been neglected for far far too long. You inhaled sharply and smiled, but it felt wrong. He was the wrong shade- he was too light.

“Good morning, Satoru,” you say gently, standing back as he stood and dusted himself off. He beamed at you and it almost hurt how quickly you felt yourself dive back into your shell.

All of this was for nothing.

You felt so disgusting and selfish- you fell apart and allowed Satoru to keep you from being checked into the hospital. He deserved something after all this? You wanted to give him everything he deserved. He was a good man, someone who deserved the white picket fence and kids- the wife and the party, all of it. He was the good kind of man, but not for you. What did you deserve? All you could do was tell him how thankful you were for his presence.

You avoided the topic of what happened all day until he finally excused himself, walking down the hallway with his tail between his legs. You didn’t have the heart to talk about anything after thanking him for showing up last night.

You felt sickened by your callous disregard for him- but you made your mind up. You couldn’t do it without the other half of the equation. You waited for him to disappear and you looked down at your phone, your hands. Everything in the apartment wasn’t even yours, really. Everything that had been yours was gutted out, along with the person who was meant to be there, picking you off the floor. You felt disappointed for the version of yourself everyone else wanted you to be. But now you could see clearly- that was never who you were.

Back when you transferred to Tokyo, and met Satoru- he was into you. But you never understood why, there was no logical reason for him to be so interested- especially since you came with Suguru. Satoru was inserting himself somewhere he didn’t belong. But then suddenly when Suguru didn’t fit the mold anymore- everyone expected you to follow suit and fall for Satoru? No one ever asked you what you thought about Satoru, or why you even talked to him. They also didn’t ask what you thought about Suguru going rogue. No one ever expected that it was you who planted the seed of dissent into his mind from the beginning? Maybe the one they should have been worried about saving the whole time was Suguru. Not you. You spent so many years reeling the perceived abandonment of Suguru, but him finding and bringing you to him after all this time- admitting things you always wanted to believe- that he didn’t leave just to leave. You stared at the ceiling from your bed for quite awhile until the sun shifted to darkness in the sky and everything had a quiet aura of stillness. Your phone rang a few times, it was Satoru- just checking up on you. You texted him back as if everything were normal, feeling raw as you allowed yourself to feel the disgust that had been under the surface the entire time- he was trying to replace Suguru.

Of course it made sense that once Suguru was deemed unfit to be with- Satoru would swiftly take his place? They were the only two considerable equals. But why was Satoru so keen on you in the first place? Was it just because he was jealous? He always wanted what he couldn’t have. You didn’t want to start hating him right away- you didn’t want to allow yourself to become so polarized so quickly off of little to no information.
Maybe he had reasons. But honestly, it didn’t matter.

You turned your cell phone off and left it on the table. You grabbed a bag and went to the trunk you kept in the bottom of your closet. Your most important relics were in it- the first picture you shared with Suguru, your keepsakes. You kept those and some favorite clothes. You kept the letters your mother wrote to you while you were locked away- the letters that reminded you this love you shared with a man wasn’t the only type of love that existed as fiercely.

Your mother and father were devoted to you- heart and soul. They were too good for this world, too good for you. Suguru had always loved them, admired them- for being so forgiving and kind. They spoke openly, they had no secrets- they laughed often and they spent their evenings together watching movies or reading together. Your home you spent your childhood in was happy and loud- but as you moved to bigger places, you fell away from that. You can’t remember the last time your mom and dad tucked you into bed and cut the light off for you. That was so long ago. You realized you had grown so old you had an equal amount of time being devoted to your parents as much as you did with him.

Then that had to be the answer- you needed to go to him. You burned everything from your childhood, watching the papers crumple to ashes the the plastics curl and sizzle in the fire. You felt a numb coat of contentment sink onto your shoulders as you decided what was actually best for you. It was him, it was always him- not this version of you that they erased him from your existence. It was cruel, wrong- and a blatant lie.

You destroyed everything that meant anything- kept everything else pristine. You wanted it to be clear what you decided. You left everything perfect- taking your tiny sack filled with your new relics and wandered into the alleys. You walked several miles, wanding towards that odd church-like building you remembered being led to. When you were finally standing outside of it, the sun was barely visible in the sky- dawn cresting the horizon. You glance up at the clear skies, everything moving almost in slow motion. When you bring your eyes back to the building, he was standing there- dressed like a priest. His expression was flacid except for the tiniest curve in his lips. His eyes danced with dark passion- delighted to see you, almost as if he were expecting you.

You didn’t need anything else. You walked to him without saying a word- your hand extended for his. He took several large steps forward, rushing into you, grabbing your hand possessively and yanking you to his chest. He clung to you like a dying man, as if you were his salvation. You wrapped your arms around his neck and clung to him just as well- he was your gospel, after all. He picked you up and carried you inside without a word, and ever since then- you started helping him to destroy the world.
. . .

A few days went by, and people began looking for you. Suguru kept an eye on things so that you didn’t have to. He only told you what you might need to know. Your parents were freaking out, Shoko and Satoru were out looking for you. You bit your lips, feeling guilt rack your bones- but they didn’t know what was good for you. No one could decide what was good for you anymore except you and Suguru.

Falling back in with him was just as easy and natural as breathing. He had been sleeping in a priestly confine until you showed up and he presented an entire suite, filled with clothes exactly your size and anything you could ever need from a home. He even remembered all your favorite books, movies, and entertainments aside from the internet that would keep you busy. He had prepared a life for you this entire time, even if you didn’t want to partake in dismantling society. The thoughtfulness almost made you sick from how long you spent thinking he hated you, left you without a thought.

You were all he had been thinking of for the past several years.

Your first night in your new home, he presented you with a ring- made of solid obsidian and enriched with invisible runes- you gazed at it and smiled.

“Will you marry me, y/n?” he asked, kneeling down in front of you. You smile, offer your hand to him, “Of course, my love,” you answer. He smiles and slides the cool ring onto your finger.

“I made it so it will protect you- and signify you’re mine,” he says, flashing his own hand with a very similar ring on his finger. You purse your lips and smile, looking at him thoughtfully.
“What does it do?”

“First of all, if someone is going to try to manipulate you- you won’t be able to hear them. Second, I’ll be able to find you no matter what, as long as your wearing it,” he said, pulling you into his arms, gently grazing the soft flesh of your neck. You tremble, his mouth and hands paint your skin with blissful kisses and touches until your hot and pink. He takes one look at you and sweeps you into his arms in a flourish, kicking open the door to your bedchamber.

“My wife,” he moans softly as he throws you on the bed, not far behind you. Your hands reach each other before your bodies do and your immediately both trying to take each other’s clothes off as quickly as you can. You were married- just like that. You didn't need any bullshit wedding or bullshit party, or to tell anyone anything at all. Fuck them, fuck everyone else- the only two people that mattered were you two.

His lips land bruising kisses all over your throat and neck, down to your collar bones and breasts. He blesses every part of you with his mouth and soon your quivering, begging for him to just fuck you. He loved to worship you, making you have multiple orgasms before he even began to pleasure himself. Of course there were days you did the same to him- but it never got old. You two were drawn to each other like moths to a flame, yet you never burnt out- you only burned brighter.

His thick, hard cock pressed against your tight folds- slick with anticipation and precum, he pressed himself, moaning huskily as he finally allowed himself his own pleasures. You moaned softly, wrapping your thick thighs around him- crying out and moaning deeply as you make him slide deeper into your warm core. He trembles softly as he leans down to kiss you, cupping your face and uttering the most devout praises to you-

“My goddess, all mine, my wife, my world,” his voice was soft and overwhelmingly reverent. He was absolutely incapacitated by you sometimes- overwhelmed by his unwavering devotion. You both had never experienced anything like this, obsession-compulsive-possessive insanity that drove you two in circles around one another- like yin/yang you two balanced each other as easy as night and day.

“My husband, my king” you cooed back to him, arching your back and pulling him closer- digging your claws into his hot flesh.

“Mmmn- ah!’ he cried out as your nails dug into his skin, pulling him closer.

“You’re mine,” you moan as he positions himself in a more dominant position and begins to piston his hips in and out- fucking you at a steady, solid rhythm.

“N’yer mine,” he replied, his eyes widening as his pace quickens and his fingers pull you closer, digging into your soft, pretty flesh. You wanted him to leave marks, show the entire world who you belonged to.

“Mmmn!” you cry out, as he begins to wade deeper into your belly, his cock hitting the perfect spot- making the coils within you tighten to near insanity before you sputter helplessly, “Gonna cum!”

“Come f’me~” his deep voice rumbles from his chest as he glares down at you possessively as your body tightens and begins to tremble as you ride the waves of your pleasure on his fat cock, squeezing and squirting delicious juices all over him. He leaned back, moaning in pleasure as he felt every movement you made, his own pleasure beginning to arrive as he fucked you harder, closer- biting his lip in concentration as he fucked you until you came again and again until he finally came with you- screaming out your name, his eyes eating you alive while you both writhed together in mad harmony.

He collapsed beside you on the bed, drawing you into his possessive embrace. He couldn’t sleep unless you were pressed against him- and you discovered his muscular arms were the most comfortable place to dream from. Perched in heavens grasp, nothing could take from you what you already held close to your heart.

.
.
.

“My parents,” you said one evening, looking at Suguru while the candlelight burned beside you as you dined together.

“Hm?” he asked, his deep baritone calming even the tiniest anxiety within you.

“I’m going to make them disappear, they are hurting too much, I can’t bear it.”

“Do you want me to-”

“No, I’ll do it. My technique is absolute and painless.”

“As you wish, my love,” he said, looking somber. He loved them too, it was not easy. But he had already murdered his own- more than that. He was killing innocents too. Anyone who didn’t matter. But to you, no one mattered. No one but him. You told him you wanted to eliminate the entire human race, but he tended to disagree- but you didn’t care. As long as you could be with him when everything was said and done. You didn’t care who was left to tend the Earth.

.
.
.

You walked back to your mom and dad’s house. You had watched people come and go numerous times before you approached. When you walked up, everyone got really quiet and no one said anything as you strode up your parents’ steps and into their home. Inside they were arguing and crying with others- Satoru and Shoko were there. When you walked into the room, everyone stopped and just looked at you. Your mother sobbed and ran to you- but you held your hand up and she disappeared, your father too- just like that- they were gone. You moved to turn around and leave- but someone grabbed your arm and yanked you back. It hurt, you realized, your arm hurt. You pulled back and glared at whoever just touched you. It was Satoru, his face filled with rage- his pupils pinpointed at you. You smiled, pushing him away. He was screaming at you, but you didn’t even hear him. Shoko came forward too and you frowned, seeing the confusion and pain in her eyes- you blinked and suddenly she was gone too. Satoru stopped mid sentence and stared at the spot where Shoko once stood. You looked down at your hands, not realizing you did it- you didn’t like when you weren’t in full control. That was annoying.

His hands were on you again and you stared up into his blue pools of rage as his fingers dug into your flesh.

“Let go of me,” you said, your words filling the space and suddenly he was silent, standing with his fists clenched as you stepped backwards from him and everyone else who was in the house disappeared as well. You only left Satoru, because he was intended for Suguru to handle himself. You would never take away that from him.

You walked home and felt a piece of your chest feel lighter as you realized the only other people you did care about were gone- peacefully, easily, no pain. No one else on the Earth mattered, except for Suguru. You smiled when you got home and found him reading at his study, suddenly able to hear his voice when you couldn’t even hear your mother’s voice earlier that day.

Is this madness?

Is he all that matters?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Chapter Text

You woke up in a dark, dark place- it was cold and there was a dim light somewhere- but you couldn’t see it. You were tied up, face down against a cold slab- stone. You blinked, grit and a deep sore ache behind your lids- fuck. You tried to move, but couldn’t- a dark husky voice was right beside you- and the air stirred around you as they moved closer.
“Awake princess?” the voice teased, it was a male- but it wasn’t Suguru. It emanated horrible cursed energy, and its voice alone sounded cruel. You didn’t make a sound or response but they grabbed you by your restraints and lifted you up- you wanted to be quiet but you couldn’t help but cry out in agony as your stiff muscles burned as they lifted you from such a horrible dependent position- lifting you easily, your body weight straining your joints- threatening to break your arms. They finally sat you up and you nearly collapsed from the strain placed on your body- your eyes fluttering as you felt as if you were either going to vomit or pass out- but a hand on your shoulder stabilized you and brought you back to reality. A mismatched face smiled at you, grey hair spurting jaggedly from their scalp- a person- or a curse who looked both male and female- they must have been watching your reaction because they laughed a cruel, cold laugh,
“I’m Mahito-” he said, “you sure are pretty,” he cooed softly, leaning up and wiping the crusts off your face from being unconscious on the floor. You flinched from the gesture, stupified by the curse and his utterly human appearance. So this is what Suguru had been up to? You wonder, looking past the curse named Mahito- where the fuck were you?

“We’re safe, no worries- little dove,” Mahito smiled, but there was no warmth in the expression. His eyes were cold, unfeeling- dead. You tilted your head back to him, feeling something stir within you- something you hadn’t felt so keenly in a long time.
“Mahito?” you squeak, your voice rough and throat aching from thirst.
“Master Geto had me look after you while you were out,” he said, reaching over and feeding you a rag soaked in cold water- it was rudimentary and filthy- you didn’t trust this creature at all. Still, you eagerly drank- the cool liquid burning pleasantly as it rolled down your throat.

“Are you still in love with Satoru Gojo?” Mahito asked, after you had drunk your fill. Your brows furrowed and you leaned back, confusion rippled through you- is that really what this was about? Seriously? 

“What?” you manage, coughing softly, clearing your throat.

“You should just forget him- and everyone else-” Mahito said with a cheerful smile, “we’ll be your friends now, we’re all you’ll ever need,” he cooed softly. 

“Where is Suguru?” you asked, craning your head to look around.

“He’s just been waiting for you to ask for him,” Mahito said with a flourishing bow as he stood up in one swift movement, walking out of the room. Moments later Suguru walked in, looking grim. He came in and untied you, hauling you onto your feet and grabbing your hand and dragging you into a more comfortable room. You tripped over yourself a few times and he grunted frustratedly, turning around and picking you up and sweeping you off your feet, delivering you quickly to a soft surface. You gape as you stare up at him once he’s stood back, crossing his arms and scowling down at you.


“What the fuck, Suguru?” you choke out, feeling frightened at the least by all of this. You looked down at yourself and saw you had been undressed- placed in plain black robes- you looked like some sort of initiate or something. 

His hands went up and ran through his hair as he laughed sardonically, “I couldn’t let you marry him,” he sighed, “it could have been literally anyone else,” he growled, leaning forward and snatching your chin between his thumb and forefinger until you winced in pain. 

“So you only came for me because you were jealous of Satoru?!” You say, your voice shifting from slight indignance  to enraged screaming at the end. You were trembling in anger, your heart racing in your chest- feeling as if you were going to spontaneously combust at any given moment. Suguru smiled darkly at you, his laugh something awful- something you never imagined could emanate from the man that was once your everything. 

“You should have stayed in your place, my love,” Suguru said softly, “Now- I’m going to take everything from you all over again, but this time I don’t want you back- since you’ve proven to be an ungrateful, traiterous whore.’ 

Your eyes widen and your mouth falls into a soft o as you gape up at him.
“What are you talking about?” you demand, something creeping and cold settling inside your chest that branched outwards like creepy, tangly spiders’ legs. 

“Just come with me, my darling,” Suguru said lightly, pulling you off the soft surface and walking with you out to an alley- where Satoru stood with his arms crossed. Mahito had come out with you two and he strolled along side Suguru humming happily to himself. Something felt wrong.

When Satoru caught sight of you, he nearly leaped out of his skin- his delight and relief apparent in every part of his body.
“Baby!” he cried out, but when he moved forward, Mahito sprung forward and simply grabbed Satoru’s hand- a small tiny gesture- which was quickly flicked off. Satoru had turned his head sharply to glare at Mahito and something seemed to click in his body when Mahito jumped away. Satoru’s eyes flicked back up to you, but passed over you just as quickly as they had for the curse, falling and glaring at Suguru instead.

“Suguru?” he bellowed, his fists clenching at his sides. Suguru shoved you forward, your weakened legs tripped and you fell to the ground in front of Satoru. You moved to stand and saw Satoru wasn’t even looking at you- he was glaring at Suguru. You managed to scramble to your feet and rush towards Satoru, who’s eyes flicker on you but he didn’t care- as if you weren’t anyone to him. 

You rip around and glare at Suguru, “what did you do to him?” you snarl, your cursed technique ripping out in front of you- but Suguru expected it and jumped back easily.
“You thought you could just move on and “be happy” he laughed, as if this were hilarious.
“You could have-” he said, gesturing openly in the air, “But you had to go and choose him!” he shouted, jabbing his wicked claw at Satoru- who flinched visibly- as if he were trying to make sense of it all. Mahito giggled ferociously in the background, Suguru’s grin spreading like the fucking Cheshire cat.

“While you were ‘resting’” he mocked, emphasizing the word, “Mahito went ahead and had a couple ‘interactions’ briefly with your family, friends, anyone who might have been at the wedding-” he explained, he didn’t even have to say it out loud anymore- you knew what Mahito had done.

“No-” you whimpered, “no, no- suguru! No!” You wailed, your voice howling into the darkness as your hands shot upwards and tangled in your hair, ripping some of it out- no… He just laughed coldly, one solid hmph as you realized what he had done before he could even get to the punch line.

“Why would you do this?” you asked, too shocked for tears- everything inside of you had evaporated in the brute shock of it all.

“Why would I want you to go on without me- to be happy with him?” jabbing another finger at Satoru- who was just watching at this point, confusion and disgust all over his body. You glance back at Satoru- who used to look at you as if you were the sun and stars, all of it combined- everything to him- now he regarded you with a hesitant unsure gaze.

“You erased his memory- what did you do?” you beg, walking towards suguru with your hands in a pleading gesture. A flicker of approval flashed through Suguru’s raven eyes as you came forward, begging.

“Mahito can touch souls, and he took you out of his, memories and all- just look at him- he doesn’t even know who you are-” he laughed, flicking his eyes up at Satoru who’s expression was horrified. You spared a second to look back at him, seeing his utter shock- Suguru actually had the upper hand- he actually did it- he beat the strongest sorcerer. This whole time you had actually felt safe having chosen Satoru- knowing he was the strongest, and have proven time and time again to never falter or lose. You stared at him helplessly as Suguru snickered to himself, watching as Satoru seemed to have enough and warped away- making you fall to your knees as you collapsed in agony- sobbing profusely- again again again- you lost everything.

“I’ll take you back- y/n” suguru cooed softly, his breath tickling your ear. You wretched in response, vomiting on his shoes- he cursed, moving aside as you lurched over and fell unconscious. 

–

You woke and found yourself in your old apartment- the one from before- before you and Satoru moved into your shared apartment. All your fucking things were back- exactly the way they were before. Suguru had even put some of his things in- the way they were before- as if the past few years had never happened- and you were back to square one. You were fucking gutted- absolutely devastated. Emotions weren’t even existent at this point anymore- you were utterly incoherently numb. You tried multiple times to end things for yourself- but he had people everywhere- sometimes himself- watching. He wouldn’t let you go- he wouldn’t let you die- you belonged to him, and he was just waiting for you to give up- to take him back. He was fucking sick.

You knew Shiu had an assassin- the sorcerer killer- he was dubbed. But he was expensive, and only took the highest contract. So you waited, took months to type in separate chunks- so that the person watching her at all time didn’t connect the dots- realize what you were up to. You drafted the initial email, along with a lump sum, a deposit of sorts- to grab their attention- so they knew you were serious.

‘Greetings Mr. K-
I’m aware you are the agent for T.F. please accept this deposit in good faith- I want to put in a job on myself. I am being monitored, please be discreet. I just want to make sure someone finishes the job. I cannot do it by myself. I’ll be waiting for contact to discuss details and further payment. You will be paid in advance, I know you are the best of the best. Thanks,”

You forwarded an old email you had sent to a friend with your pictures, name, basic information- it almost looked like an accident - but you knew it was so vague but too close to be a coincidence- and they would do their own homework on you, you just waited for something a little out of the ordinary to happen and you could finally count your days. 

–

Months passed and you didn’t notice anything, and you actually started to feel the dread building up in you that perhaps you had been too vague. And you had wasted your money, time, and feelings. Until one day you brushed up against a monstrous man in the subway, sighing and glancing behind her only to notice a silver gash- a scar on his mouth. You shivered and looked away, feeling cold all over- but it wasn’t bad- it was good- so fucking good.

You turn around as subtly as you can and the moment the train trembles enough you lean into him, giving him cause to glance down at you and mutter apologies- which you mutter in return, your cheeks lighting up at the interaction. You glance up at him, your eyes searching his.

“What’s yer name?” he asked, grinning softly, seeing you gazing up at him.
“I’m y/n, you?” you asked, in an almost flirtatious tone. He smiled and seemed to relax, enjoying the banter.
“Toji Fushiguro,” he said, “do you have somewhere to be?” he asked, but you were sure he already knew the answer.
“No,” you affirm, smiling, you couldn’t contain your glee- you didn’t care how insane you seemed.
“Wanna hang out?” he asked, leaning forward, offering his hand, you took it and grinned, squeezing his hand as if he were your savior.
“Abso-fucking-lutely,” you whisper fiercely, making him laugh- his eyes tinkling.
“You seem a little too happy-” he admitted as you walked to your apartment, where you had used your technique to carve a room that was un-touched by sound devices or peeping tools. You had used your own technique to ensure the space was absolutely safe- but even if it wasn’t, fuck it.
“You have no idea how horrible this is,” you say as you lead him to the room you had sound proofed, “Listen, we don’t have time- they know this room is ‘safe’ for me- but they know you’re here, they know who you are most likely,” you said, sighing.

“I will pay you in advance, even if you don’t succeed- whatever, at least I can say I tried everything before I give in to the man who is terrorizing me-” you say, sighing,
“How much?” he asked, crossing his arms over his large chest.
“However much you want- I have been saving up money for awhile,” you admit, shrugging.
“Really?” he laughed, eyeing you disbelievingly.
“Yeah, here-” you say, giving him a huge wad of cash, “here are some stacks, take it as good will- money isn’t the issue,” you press into his hand, folding his thick fingers over it- “please listen to me, and promise me you can do the job,” you said, sighing.
“I am going to have a picnic by myself in this garden at this time,” you say, pointing to some images on your phone, “I’ll be wearing this, and I will be just reading and enjoying the day- I want you to snipe me- there are several good vantage points around this hill in the park- there will be people watching me- but I want you to shoot me as many times as you can- fucking finish me,” you demand, your voice deep and still-
His eyes widen and he sighs leaning forward, “fine- i’ll do it-” he sighed, suddenly looking slightly uncomfortable.
“So why do you want to die so badly?” he asked, sighing, eyeing you.
“I am being forced alive against my will- because my psychotic ex is a powerful sorcerer who ruined my life multiple times- and he is literally keeping me alive so that i finally cave and take him back-” you explain as simply as possible. Toji’s eyes widen and he laughs, but you aren’t phased- because it does sound absolutely fucking mental.

“Really?” he finally said, and you glared at him, pressing your lips into a fine line and he sighed, believing you.

“I see- well, your wish is my demand, princess,” he said, offering her a paper with some digits on it. 

“Want me to do it now?” you ask, gazing up at him and he nodded. You nod in return and pull your bank app up and put in a transfer to his- an instant one- millions sent in one click- more than enough. His phone buzzed and his eyes widened, shocked at the amount sent to him- almost as if he didn’t believe it was going to happen. Something shifted in his eyes when he looked from his phone to you, something that bordered on uncertainty.

“Are you sure?” he asked, biting his lip as he gazed down at you- you were beautiful- and to know you straight up just wanted to die made something inside the sorcerer killer shift- was it empathy? Was it shame? Was it just such a goddamned waste- why yes, it was. Who could have fucked her up this much? He sighed, pocketing his phone and frowning down at you. The disappointment in his eyes made you wince internally, but you couldn’t hide your elatement- finally!

“Yes,” you beg, pleading, reaching forward and clinging to him, his eyes widened at your insistence and he closed his eyes, crossing his arms. His frown deepened into a dark furrow on his face and he nodded.

“Fine, I will be there on that day- at that time,” he said, taking a breath, “and you will die,” he affirmed, looking down at you curtly before he moved, exiting your apartment as swiftly as he came- and you felt a soft assurance that sometime soon- very soon- this would all be over. 

You knew bringing the sorcerer assassin to your apartment would get the attention of your keepers- but they were so self absorbed, you knew they probably thought you were talking to him to eliminate them- not yourself. Maybe it had crossed their mind? But Toji was known for being the absolute best assassin- so hopefully they would be a little on edge- a little less coordinated or kept- to make things easier. 

The day finally came and you were sitting on your blanket in the park, dressed in one of your most beautiful gowns. Many people walking by stopped and glanced at your little set up on the quaint round hill in the park- giving you a perfect view of everything. The children playing by the river, the dogs chasing their balls and toys- other couples, families, picnicking under the perfect weather. The sun was shining bright, but it wasn’t too warm, spring was well on its way and the cherry blossoms were blooming, other trees as well- the air was aromatic and floral, springy and crisp. You couldn’t have chosen a better day, and you smiled as you sat there with your books and journals as you spent hours reading and relaxing, munching on your picnic you packed in a lovely wicker basket- you had it all- it was perfect.

The sun waded through the blue sky and soon began to harmonize with the horizon and adopt a warm golden glow- signalling the arrival of evening. You smile as you watch the families pack up and walk home, the animals brought off the green and slowly the park became less crowded. You noticed a white haired man pacing by the river, occasionally glancing up at you- Satoru- you couldn’t mistake it- he kept looking up at you, as if he were trying to remember something- but couldn’t. He was agitated and you tried to ignore him until he started to make his way towards you- looking around anxiously as he approached, but you felt your shadow appear too- Suguru was coming out of the woods, his hands in his pockets. You rolled your eyes, knowing they were going to fight, but you pretended as if you didn’t see or know them.

“Hey, I need to talk to you,” Satoru said to you once he was closer. You glance up at him, knowing Suguru was right there too.

“What do you want to talk to her about?” suguru asked, giving Satoru an expectant look.

“I know she was our friend- someone who was important to me,” he said, sounding uncertain.

“Oh really?” Suguru mocked, his tone dripping with condescension.

“Yeah, dick-” Satoru snapped, glaring at Suguru, “I think I loved her,” he said, his hands on his hips- glaring at his former best friend. Suguru laughed and shook his head, sucking his teeth.

“Tsk, Mahito you really let me down again,” he muttered out loud, cursing, “So you’re regaining some of your memories?” Suguru asked, therefore confirming Satoru’s inference. 

“Yeah, I am,” Satoru nodded, “You ruined our wedding day-” Satoru said, his eyes brightening and widening as it seemed he remembered bits and pieces. Your eyes widen and glance at Satoru, then to Suguru who clenched his fists until they turned white.

“I hate you,” Suguru growled ominously, bending forward to attack Satoru- who jumped back- then they were off, fighting across the park. You sat there, in your frills and shock- silent, this was all too much- it would be better off still if- BANG.

–

Hot imploding callous heat- surging red waves, soft cold grass- silence, your heartbeat fluttered your mind and body in silence- until you felt something grasp you- not your body - but your soul. And then you were standing beside Mahito, over your dying body. You glanced at him, and he smiled at you- Suguru and Satoru had paused to look behind them and saw you lying there- their fighting was turning into explosive, dangerous fighting. You hoped no one else would get hurt over this- and then everything actually vanished- mahito’s gutteral shriek as he was sniped from afar as well- Toji shot him exactly where his heart and soul was- and you were back in your body as your breathing turned shallow- fluid filling your lungs, finally.

–

You woke up ages later, in a strange room totally unfamiliar to you- you look down at yourself and see you’re covered in white cloth, your head feels lighter and you reach up and feel most of your hair had been shaved- and there were quite a few lumps and incisions healing on your scalp. You look down to your body and see yourself whole where you very much remember being shot apart- fuck. Your fucking technique- you were always paired with Suguru and Satoru- you were one of the best, your family had a very powerful technique- but you never manifested it- until you finally wanted to die. How fucking pathetic. At this point you find all of this incredibly funny. Like slap-stick comedy, holy mother fucking god.
You sigh and jump to your feet, finding yourself strong, despite being in what you assume was a fucking coma for who knows how long. You look around the room and see a door. You go through it and find yourself in a long hallway with a few doors here and there. It’s eerie feeling- something out of an office horror movie.

Fuck it, though- what else could happen? You keep walking and peeking into the rooms, seeing discovering they were doctors office type rooms. You reach the end of the hallway and find a common waiting area that looked practically abandoned. It must be the weekend or something- so you walk out, not finding anything or anyone. You found your way outside and discovered you were out in the rural country somewhere- very secluded. You sigh and wander barefoot down a country dirt road until you see the first sign of life- an old shack with a fireplace. It was smoking and you could hear the movement of someone inside. You peeked in and knocked on the door, announcing yourself. You were half expecting an old person- but inside was a younger woman, who looked nothing out of the ordinary. 

She half turned, her eyes widening when she saw you, “Hey there,” she said softly, turning slowly, “Are you okay?” she asked, smiling at you non-judgementally.
“I am,” you affirm, smiling softly, “I was in a really bad accident, and i woke up in the facility over there- but no one was working,” you explain, trying to sound as level headed and not-insane as possible. 

“You poor thing,” she said softly, “Hungry? Where do you live? Do you need help?” 

“I-” you begin, but find yourself at a loss for words, finding emotions trapping your voice, tears surging forward- overwhelmed by this absolute strangers kindness- why can’t i be like that?
“Yes please,” you finally manage after battling your tears. She smiles and gestures for you to join her in her cabin and she feeds you some rice porridge and ham- it’s the best fucking meal you’ve ever eaten in your life. 

“I’m Tsumiki,” the woman said, smiling at her. You tell her your name and where you’re from, and she lights up.
“Oh nice, I have a brother who lives in Tokyo, his name is Megumi,” she smiled.
“Fushiguro?” you asked, tilting your head. 

Her eyes widen and she nods, “yes! Do you know Gumi?” she asked, leaning forward excitedly. You smile, “Yeah, I was his teacher for some time,” you admit, smiling.
“Wait- are you y/n sensei?” she asked, and you nod, smiling.
“Wow, so what happened?” Tsumiki asks, looking at you feeling a greater amount of pity knowing you probably had some horrible sorcerer accident.
You sigh, not telling her about the assasination attempt by another Fushiguro family member, but you tell her of the awful back and forth between your two lovers- and how that ultimately nearly killed you. She sighed, her hands finding yours and squeezing softly as you told her the story, tears welling in her eyes.
“I see,” she said, shaking her head softly.
“I’m sorry you went through all of that,” she says, giving you a reassuring smile.
“But there has to be a reason you’re still alive,” she assures you, sounding actually confident in it. If only you could share the same conviction. 

“Thank you, Tsumiki,” you say softly, smiling into your bowl. 

Tsumiki is kind, and let you stay for a few days at her cabin for you to figure out what you were going to do. She hadn’t been to Tokyo in some time, so she didn’t know timelines or who knew what- but she did give you some normal clothes to wear. Your hair was growing fast, and when you looked in the mirror you were much thinner and frail than before- but you were more- yourself than you had felt in years. You debated on even going back at all- but something was still unfinished, though you didn’t know what. You decided after a few weeks in the wilderness to go back to Tokyo. Tsumiki cried and gave you a tight hug as you rode her bicycle down to the train station. She waved until she disappeared from sight- and you felt blessed having got to know such a kind, good soul. The fact that goodness still existed among people- despite your nihilistic beliefs- actually made you feel relieved to be proved wrong once in a while. You rode back to Tokyo with a minimum amount of money and walked to the government offices, to attempt to get your life back- if not, what would you do? Who would you become?