Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

the skibidi harbingers

12:43 AM

[ 7 people are online! ]

Dottore: guys

new

new megan

new megan thee stallion

Signora: I KNOWWWW BRU IVE LISTENED TO IT ALR

Arlecchino: bruh no u aint it just dropped 43 mins ago

fake fan

Signora: im going to kill u 😜

Sandrone: NEED ME A BADDIE LIKE MEGAN THEE STALLION

please

Dottore: what im not good enoygh anymore

Sandrone: r u megan thee stallion?

no i dont think so

Childe: PLEASE BREAK UP OH MY GOD U TWO R SO FUCJING ANNOYING

oops

that was scara i swear 😓

Capitano: scaras first good take

please break up

yall r 2 forces that shouldve NEVER come together

Signora: “star vs the forces of evil” head ass

Capitano: fucks thats supposed to mean

Signora: was tryna say u look like that flying unicorn head

Capitano: i fuckin hate u and ur blonde hair

Arlecchino: bro hates recessive genes 💀

Sandrone: bros geneist 💀

Pantalone: like from my hero?

Signora: oh baby..

cap u didnt tell me ur bf was dyslexic too..

Pantalone: i’m not???

is that not his name????

Capitano: no its jeanist

his whole thing is jeans

lone please dont tell me ur serious

Pantalone: ok

i’m cutting everyones funding for that.

Dottore: WHAT WHYYY

BRO WHAT DID I DOOOOO

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

BRUH I NEED THAT MONEY

Childe: bro me too

Pantalone: what to spend it on my cousin?

use your own fucking money.

Childe: 😓

Sandrone: boom roasted

Pantalone: shut the fuck up.

Dottore: HEY MAN THATS NOT COOL!!!

how would u feel if i told cap to shit himself?

Pantalone: ?????

how does this correlate???

Arlecchino: oooo big fancy pantzy word

fuck u

Signora: bro know how to spell chofer 💀

Capitano: leave him alone bruh

hes doing laps around the room

Dottore: omg??

do i need to up his meds??

Pantalone: no.

i’m doing just fine.

cap is lying.

Capitano: im not

hes literally doing laps around my room

Signora: wait

megans new song moody girl = pantalone????

im onto something 

Dottore: yoo…

i see it

Arlecchino: lowkey

let nora cook

Pantalone: i’m not moody.

Childe: u r the moodiest person ive ever met

Capitano: bb i dont wanna be mean but ur pretty moody

but its ok because ur hot

Signora: no

dont excuse him because of that

Pantalone: i’m not moody at all.

why would you all say that?

Sandrone: skib

idi

Signora: panta ur moody but its ok ill let it slide

Pantalone: i’m not moody! >:(

i’m going to start crying.

Dottore: please dont

thats gross

Capitano: LEAVE HIM ALONEEE

im sorry mi amor

Signora: ewuh keep that shit outta here brotha

nyasty

Arlecchino: i think its cute

Dottore: oh so u actually have a heart?

Arlecchino: kill yourself.

Sandrone: STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Childe: hello daddies! hello! hello! ehehe! hello daddies! hello daddies! hello! hello! ehehe! hello daddies! hello daddies! hello! hello! ehehe! hello daddies! hello daddies! hello! hello! ehehe! hello daddies!

Arlecchino: im killing childe and then myself

Childe: WHAT DID I DO

IM JUST A SILLY BILLY LEAVE ME ALONE

Capitano: alot

the years without u were much more productive than the ones that uve been here

Childe: bro thats because u guys dont let me do shit

Pantalone: you’re 23.

Childe: AND???

UR 26????

ARLES 28???

HELLO??

Sandrone: hi 👋🏻

Dottore: i love you vro ❤️

Sandrone: lets have hot esex vro ❤️

Dottore: vro…ill grab the strap ❤️

Childe: whatbthe fuck.

Capitano: arles mature

pantalones diciplined

and ur just

ginger

and 23

Signora: yea

and pantas hot

and so is arle

while ur ginger

and 23

Childe: what

ok pause this

why the fuck r we ignoring sandy and ttore

Capitano: bro ts is normal

i have to listen to this everyday

its even worse when binas here

u actually never know what shes going to say 

Arlecchino: literally

like i could be talking abt a spider or sometjing and she would connect it to a fucking train

i dont get it

Dottore: the artistic mind never ceases to amaze me

Sandrone: pantalone has an autistic mind thats for sure

Pantalone: LEAVE ME ALONE.

Signora: op

hes talking in all caps thats not good

Capitano: he said hes going to get drunk

Childe: why

Capitano: idk

Dottore: i didnt know panta was chill like that

Pantalone: i’m cutting your funding.

[ Pantalone has gone offline! ]

Dottore: NOOOOOO

BITCH COME BACKKKKKKK

Signora: hes gone

rip

Arlecchino: just like ttores funding

Signora: good one

Arlecchino: ikr

Childe: ok this feels very sexually tense

Sandrone: damn right

im harder than a rock right now!!!

Capitano: oh

yea thats my final straw

if yall dont see sandy tmrw i killed her

Sandrone: just say u hate yhe lgbtq and move on

Capitano: im literally datibg a man

Childe: yea me too

Dottore: im dating sandrone

i love my partner

Sandrone: skibidi toilemt?

Dottore: she has such a way with words ❤️☺️

Arlecchino: ew

cap get panta back online he needs to see ts

Capitano: hes in his blanket cocoon and hes not coming out

Dottore: good

i dont wanna deal with him anyway

Sandrone: i hate gay people

so complex

Signora: hes gay, bipolar, and ocd give him a break

Arlecchino: literally pick a struggle

cant have em all!

Capitano: dios mio..

Childe: what dat mean

Signora: he just said hes going to fuck pantalone!!!!!!!!

Capitano: IM GPING TO HANG U MYSELF ROSA.

Signora: erm..

no

Dottore: queen!

Arlecchino: ok im going to come over

Dottore: to whos chamber

Sandrone: not mine

im getting freaky 👅

Dottore: withoyt me 😕

vro i thought we had something special..

Sandrone: HAHA

no

fuck u and ur blue hairy chocolate starfish

Signora: oh

ttore u dont get a brazillian wax down there??

Dottore: no why would i

sandy likes it hairy

Sandrone: i have never said that once in our relationship 

Dottore: she likes to braid my ass hairs while she pegs me sometimes ☺️

Childe: OH MY GOD????

someone save us

please

Capitano: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY ROOM ARLE

Arlecchino: lemme in

i got snacks

[ Pantalone is now online! ]

Pantalone: you can come in arle.

[ Pantalone is now offline! ]

[ Columbina is now online! ]

Columbina: hey guys 😞

Capitano: GET UR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND AWAY FROM MY ROOM BRO

Dottore: hi bina

i missed u

Signora: he didnt

hes lying

he was actually just tellung us that sandy braids his ass hairs when she pegs him

Dottore: 😕

Columbina: oh!

how cute

also cap she just wants to baby pantalone

theyre like siblings

Arlecchino: we arent like siblings at all.

Capitano: no u 2 literally r siblings

Signora: yea u act more like siblings than me and cap

and we're actually blood related

Capitano: ew dont tell them that

Columbina: awwwh

i keep forgetting u guys r siblings

Sandrone: and ur both big as hell

how big was ur mommys tumtum??

Dottore: is ur mom hot

Signora: oh

cap u can take ttore ill take sandy

Dottore: in what way

like sex?

Capitano: IM NOT GOING NEAR THAT FUCJING FREAK BRO

Childe: i would let u fuck me any day

Signora: oh my god????

Capitano: is this harrassment

Columbina: yea…

childe let the freak out

Childe: sorry that wasnt me 😓

i love my bf i swear

Capitano: pantalone said he was going to shove his revolver up ur asshole and play snezhnayan roulette

Arlecchino: childes cooked

Signora: more like about to be on fire

Capitano: or have a bullet up his asshole

Dottore: OOOO KINKYYYYY

Sandrone: oh

ur too freaky for me…

Columbina: u guys actually match eachothers freak

its like if kevin gates and tek knight met and started dating

Childe: oh my god???

Signora: their freak is incomprehensible

this is why theyre perfect for each other!

Dottore: come over and kiss me on my hot mouth.. im feeling romantical 👅👅

Sandrone: HE PUTS HIS TONGUE DOWN HIS SEGMENTS THROATS WHEN HES BORED/HORNY!!!!!

Columbina: oh..

Capitano: see what i mean

Arlecchino: i need a drink

Chapter Text

the skibidi harbingers
3:24 pm
[ 9 people are online! ]

Scaramouche: on everything her majesty built who the FUCK ate the last donut.

Signora: i know a certain fatass… @capitano

Capitano: BRUH I AINT DO SHIT

Dottore: HAHAHAHA FATTY

Columbina: ur one to talk..

Dottore: 😞

Arlecchino: clocked his tea
i personally think pierro ate it

Scaramouche: he would

Sandrone: what if pantalone ated it

Capitano: oh so ur a comedian now

Dottore: HAHAHHAHAH
i get it
because the joke is he forgets to eat
HAHAHHAHA

Signora: ttore ur acting like ur any better at remembering to eat..
at least panta remembers to shower…

Dottore: 😞

Columbina: clocked his teaaa

Arlecchino: ok lets not make fun of lone

Scaramouche: no it’s fine

Sandrone: i hate that stupid white streak in his hair

Capitano: bruh hating on him while im still online is crazy..

Dottore: go tickle his chocolate starfish

Sandrone: at least his is probably shaved
unlike urs
ur bussy hairy

Dottore: VRO LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE 💔💔💔

Scaramouche: you look like your bussy hairy i cant even lie

Sandrone: the hairier the better 😈😈

Dottore: vro…❤️

Capitano: que carajo.

Childe: what dat mean

Signora: hes balls deep in hot sauce and having panta lick it up

Dottore: type shit

Childe: can i have a lick 😞

Capitano: BRO GO AWAY
I SAID WHAT THE FUCK
NOTHING ABOUT BALLS OR HOT SAUCE

Signora: 😛
i love being trilingual
like whaddayamean u dont know what caps saying

Childe: not everyone has the luxury of growing up
in a multilingual/multicultural household 😒

Signora: ok raise ur hand if u had at one a point a multilingual/multicultural household
🖐🏾

Capitano: 🖐🏾

Dottore: 🖐🏽

Pantalone: 🖐🏼

Sandrone: do orphanages count

Signora: yea

Sandrone: 🖐🏻

Arlecchino: 🖐🏿

Childe: fuck all of u actually
AM I RIGHT SCARA AND BINA

Scaramouche: you are quite literally from snezhnaya..

Columbina: u tha whitest mf here 🤣🤣

Childe: 😞
just tell me to kms and call it a night

Arlecchino: KILL YOURSELF WHITEBOY

Capitano: dearest sister
wheres giovanni

Signora: with rostam
why

Pantalone: i want to see my baby.

Signora: i literally gave birth to him???

Pantalone: please. :(

Columbina: he put a face now u gotta

Arlecchino: lone just come to the hearth
its literally an orphanage

Sandrone: @capitano just get him pregnant alr

Capitano: ??????
WHAT THE FUCK

Dottore: yea he clearly wants a baby and u can give him that!
ill even cook u guys something that will make him able to get pregnant…😈

Capitano: r yall fr..

Pantalone: i don’t want a baby.

Capitano: literally

Signora: oh so u dont wanna give me a niece/nephew yet.

Capitano: no we actually dont!

Childe: ill have ur babies
either one of yalls actually

Pantalone: ajax tartaglia childe III.

Childe: IM SORRY DONG KILL ME PLEASE

Sandrone: hehe
dong

Dottore: dong
hehe
he

Scaramouche: oh my god you guys literally have a hivemind

Columbina: i live for the sandttore hivemind
like i could study it

Pantalone: TARTAGLIA I AM GOING TO HANG YOU OUTSIDE OF THE PALACE.

Childe: BRO PLEASE I SAID I DIDNT KNOW
BAIS LYING BRUH PLEASE

Signora: omg dramamaaaaa
what happened

Pantalone: BAIZHU JUST TOLD ME THAT ME AND CHILDE ARE COMING TO LIYUE NEXT WEEK?

Capitano: dios mio
childe why would u do that

Childe: I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA

Arlecchino: this is like ur worst idea yet

Sandrone: how is this bad

Arlecchino: check ur dms

Sandrone: HUMMINAH HUH??????
actually that explains a lot

Dottore: oh shit
childe ur cooked

Capitano: ill go with u panta

Pantalone: no i don't want to go.

Childe: PLEASE
I TOLD BAI U WOULD PLEASE GO

Dottore: just stay at ur private estate or whatever

Pantalone: no.
i am not going back there.

Signora: type shit
ill take his place

Childe: ANYTHING BUT THAT PLEASE

Dottore: ill go

Childe: nevermind thats actually worse than nora

Capitano: imma beat ts outta u fool

Pantalone: please do.

Arlecchino: if ur going to liyue at least u can see ur brother again

Pantalone: no.
i don’t like him.

Capitano: hes 16 and stupid u dont need to like him

Childe: WHAT U HAVE A BROTHER?????

Pantalone: yes?
how is this new information?

Childe: IDK
is ur brother cool af??

Pantalone: no.
he is obsessed with books.
and some ancient clan.
he is far too much of an idiot to be considered a nerd though.
did i mention he cuts his own hair?

Capitano: his hair isnt THAT bad

Arlecchino: no it is
those bangs look like he sneezed mid cut

Pantalone: he must have gotten all of my fathers bad genes.

Sandrone: what abt ur moms genes

Pantalone: we don't have the same mom?

Childe: ?????

Pantalone: again, i thought my family life was common knowledge.
his mother was my stepmother.

Sandrone: oh
sooo ur mom like pussy or nah

Capitano: yk who his mom married right

Sandrone: no i actually dont

Childe: yea who

Capitano: his mom is married to varka

Dottore: WHAG?????

Pantalone: is this not in public records?

Signora: no it is

Pantalone: oh, good.
still, i do not want to go to liyue.

Childe: whyyyyyyy

Dottore: his uncles a fucking freak thats why

Sandrone: and not the good kind

Capitano: there is no good kind of freak.

Childe: PLEASE LONE I TOLD BAI
ILL LITERALLY PAY U

Pantalone: with my own money?
no i’m ok.

Columbina: CLOCKED HIS TEAAAAAAA

Signora: what is it with u and ur tea today

Columbina: its fun to type
try it

Signora: ok but someone needs to insult someone else first

Capitano: ttore looks like someones evil my hero oc thats related to shiggy

Dottore: WHAT?????

Signora: CLOCKED HIS TEA
oh ur right that is fun

Scaramouche: wait let me try

Arlecchino: childe looks like a fucked up human version of nick wilde

Scaramouche: CLOCKED HIS TEA!!
omg youre actually so right that is fun

Childe: I DONT FUCKING LOOK LIKE NICK WILDE STOP SAYING THAT
IVE HAD 6 KIDS FROM THE HEARTH CALL ME “MR WILDE” ARLE PLEASE

Arlecchino: again sounds like a u prob

Pantalone: do you need therapy for all those problems?

Columbina: oh hes on a roll today

Childe: I DONT NEED THERAPY

Pantalone: it sounds like you do.

Capitano: hun ur beating his dead body

Pantalone: good.

Signora: reasonable crash out

Sandrone: more like freak out 👅
who wanna have a freak off

Dottore: ME ME ME
OH PICK ME PLEASE

Scaramouche: 😕

Sandrone: ITS SETTLED
ME VS SCARA 😈

Scaramouche: LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS

Dottore: 😞
😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞
😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞
😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞

Capitano: shut the fuck up
pinche boludo

Signora: HAHAHHAHAHA
PINCHE ESTÚPIDO

Columbina: oye leave him aloneee 😭😭

Childe: WHY DO U ALL SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE????

Columbina: because we r all from the same place dipshit

Pantalone: childe you are quite stupid.

Sandrone: bro might be doopid

Signora: might is an understatement today 😭

Columbina: i think the colder it is the smarter he gets
and its not snowing today so maybe its a dumb day

Capitano: how the fuck do u come up with ts

Pantalone: i understand her perfectly.

Dottore: lone wanna smoke some pot with me :3

Signora: do NAWT take his pot that shit is def laced

Pantalone: i don't like the smell.
can you make a tea??

Capitano: i can
i can do it

Arlecchino: omg is cap jelly?

Columbina: OMG?????

Capitano: im not jealous
wtf makes u think that i am

Signora: shhhhh shhhh no one will know
just admit it

Capitano: ????
what the fuck r all yappin about

Dottore: listen here jelly belly

Columbina: thats actually insane

Capitano: i can feel the way u glide on my dick just hop off alr

Arlecchino: tea clocked

Pantalone: i am playing minecraft.

Sandrone: minecraft while high is funny af

Capitano: r u on my pc????
how tf did u guess my password

Pantalone: it was bronnynumber1

Capitano: u aint gotta tell them.

Signora: OH MY GOD?????

Columbina: JAJAJJAA
U FUCKING LOSER

Dottore: caps a brony confirmed

Capitano: ill just kms its fine

Columbina: ts was like the betrayal of julius caesar

Arlecchino: lowkey

Scaramouche: it's nothing to be embarrassed about cap

Capitano: IVE NEVER FUCKING WATCHED MY LITTLE PONY????
ITS BRONNY LIKE BRONNY JAMES???

Pantalone: can we watch my little pony?

Columbina: awwwwh
capitano if u fumble this istg.

Dottore: WATCH BROS JUST NOT GONNA ANSWER

Sandrone: hes probably hard

Scaramouche: ??????
why do you type the things you type

Sandrone: for the shock factor
DUH

Capitano: we can watch my little pony
ONLY if u eat the dinner i made for us

Pantalone: what did you make?

Capitano: homemade pizza

Pantalone: can i have one of those donuts things you made?

Capitano: its picarones
and yes but after u eat some pizza

Signora: ok we get it ur in love

Capitano: stfu

Sandrone: ttore y cant u cook

Dottore: im banned from the kitchen
remember

Columbina: i remember
last time he was in the kitchen the entire west wing of the palace was in flames!

Sandrone: oh i remember now

Scaramouche: WHAT THAT WAS WHY WE HAD TO FUCKING EVACUATE????

Arlecchino: dawg what were u cooking..

Dottore: i was tryna heat up leftovers 😕

Arlecchino: in the oven????

Dottore: yea isnt that where leftovers r supposed to be heated up

Sandrone: we have a microwave just use that

Dottore: i did
i was using them both at the same time

Signora: dawg stay out of the kitchen..

Dottore: 😞

Sandrone: @capitano if u dont glaze him like a donut

Capitano: BRUH LEAVE ME ALONE

Signora: glaze him like a donut is crazy work
but ik yall already done that

Capitano: NO TE METAS EN MI VIDA ÍNTIMA

Pantalone: ?

Columbina: he said he was going to churn ur insides!

Pantalone: ????

Capitano: BRO UR MAKING ME FUMBLE

Columbina: oops!
silly me!

Arlecchino: they can never make me hate u bina

Columbina: ooooo
ur getting the strap tonight!

Signora: ?????????
¿QUÈÈÈÈ?

Sandrone: i knew u had the freak in u 🥲

Dottore: that shit was beautiful
chills
literal chills

Scaramouche: can you two kill yourselves

Capitano: thats what i been sayingg
like please

Chapter Text

the skibidi harbingers

8:00 am

[ 2 people are online! ]

Pierro: Good morning Rooster.

Pulcinella: Good morning, Jester! I do hope you slept well!

Pierro: Where are the other 9 harbingers?

You wouldn't happen to know how to get them all online, would you?

Pulcinella: Aha! I do! The Marionette showed me this one time!

@Everyone

Pierro: How many times do I need to send that to get them all online?

Pulcinella: Quite a few; I believe The Marionette sent about 30 or 40 to get everyone online.

Pierro: Very well.

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

@Everyone

[ 9 people are now online! ]

Signora: WHO THE ACTUAL FUCK TAUGHT HIM THAT.

Pulcinella: Oho! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed!

It was I who taught the Director how to do that!

Although, it was the Marionette who taught me how to do it first.

Signora: SANDRONE.

PINCHE PENDEJA

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I WILL KILL U

[ The Tsaritsa is now online! ]

Sandrone: MOOOOOOOOOMMMM

SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO KILL ME 😖😖😖😖

The Tsaritsa: deserved tbh

now wheres my baby 🥺🥺🥺

Capitano: pantalone is asleep i logged into his phone and made him online in the gc

Arlecchino: oh wow 

arent u the star of the show

Capitano: kill urself

The Tsaritsa: HEY.

i expected that from scaramouche or arle

not you.

Pierro: Capitano can do as he pleases.

Capitano: mf please…

Columbina: who the fuck blasting megan thee stallion 

it is 8:03 in the morning and u tryna get turnt???

Dottore: bruh thats my hype playlist dont hate

Columbina: why the fuck u blasting broke his heart at 8:03 am.

Sandrone: certified freak song 👅

Scaramouche: i am going to kill myself.

Arlecchino: i mean do what u gotta do i aint gonna stop u

Signora: PLEASE DO IT

PLEASE

Sandrone: am i out of the dog house yet 😞

Signora: no

Sandrone: 😞

Pierro: Capitano.

Capitano: what

Pierro: Please wake Pantalone up. He will miss the meeting otherwise.

Capitano: i mean sure but ur gonna have to deal with his attitude 

Pierro: I will straighten that out if needed.

Arlecchino: ohhh but ur not going to wake up childe

Pierro: I suppose I just assumed since he was online that he was already awake.

Childe: dhhey 

Columbina: 😭😭

he is NAWT awake.

Pantalone: i hate perrio

Capitano: i told yall

The Tsaritsa: awwwweeee my babyyyy

Columbina: her majesty babying panta is so cutie pie

Sandrone: she does the same thing with arle

Capitano: she do

Pantalone: can i go bcak to seelp now???

Sandrone: whats with the typing

Capitano: he doesnt have his glasses on

and he said he would rather kill himself than put his glasses on

Pantalone: no

The Tsaritsa: WHAT.

I AM COMING OVER IMMEDIATELY.

Signora: holy shart

pierro im so happy u grew out of that phase

Pierro: I only checked for your safety. 

Who knows what creeps are in the palace.

Dottore: if u change creeps to freaks theres very many in this palace

😈

Sandrone: vro👅

Scaramouche: it is too damn early for either of your bullshit

Childe: can we get yhis overwith oleade

Pierro: Once everyone is awake and settled, we will begin.

Capitano: ????

everyones awake

Pierro: Not Pantalone.

Pantalone: kys

Dottore: ????

WHO TAUGHT HIM ABBREVIATIONS?????

Signora: BEAT HIS ASS LONIE

Pierro: Must you all encourage him?

The Tsaritsa: pierro

kill yourself

Arlecchino: lol

Pantalone: hi

Arlecchino: hi

do u have ur glases on yet

Capitano: no im reading his text messages to him

Signora: mf u google translate or sumn

Capitano: ????

tú babosa

Signora: TÚ MAMAGUEBO

IMMA FUCKIN END U

Pierro: Now, now, calm down.

Sandrone: bro thinks hes the peacemaker 🤣🤣

Columbina: fuck

sandy beat me to it

Scaramouche: shut the fuck up oh my god

Dottore: if i was in the boys and i was a supe i think my power would be tongue growth

Arlecchino: why do u think the way u do

Sandrone: dont be mean

he has autism

Dottore: STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT I LITERALLY DONT

Sandrone: yea sure

Columbina: what ever floats ur boat

Childe: i need a pacemaker i think

Scaramouche: ?????

like the thing for your heart???

Childe: yea

foul legacy be doing shit to me bruh

Columbina: ok well tell her to stop?

shes just a girl

Dottore: literally

Capitano: FOUL LEGACY IS FEMALE?????

Childe: yea..

u didnt know

wow

The Tsaritsa: and she ugly as shit 🤣🤣

stay mad ho

Childe: 😞

Columbina: LMFAO 

her majesty eats every time

Sandrone: I LOVE MY MOMMY!!!!

Pantalone: i figured out how to voice to speak

Capitano: im cryinf

Pantalone: STOP LAUGHING AT ME

Signora: id be crying if i looked like that too 

Capitano: ok hoe

imma send ur hubby on a 6 month mission 🤣🤣

act stupid again

try me 

Signora: yea well

um

imma pay one of ttores clones to change ur dick piercings into spikes

Pantalone: ew thats gross stop laughing thats not funny

Dottore: he doesnt know how to stop the voice thing im crying

Sandrone: why is cap laughing at that

is he freaky? 👅

Signora: dawg he freaky asf

dont let him fool u

i hear him and lonie goin at it sometimes and oh BROTHER

Capitano: oh so u really want ur husband to go on that 6 monther huh

Signora: BRO STOP

VANNI NEEDS HIM FOR DEVELOPMENT 

Pantalone: wheres the blanket i just think she wants his dick and is just using giovanni as an excuse can you stop laughing at me cap its not funny im being dead serious

Columbina: LMFAO 

CAP TURN HIS PHONE AWFF

Capitano: ts too funny

Signora: oh so thats what u really think huh..

acting like ur no different u come and complain to me abt how u miss getting ur little asshole filled with caps hot and steamy loads when hes on his missions

Dottore: OH MY GOD??????

The Tsaritsa: oh sweet celestia

Columbina: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Capitano: WHAT??????

HE SAID WHAT

Sandrone: hold ur horses freakbob

Pantalone: i didnt say any of that to you

i was talking to arlecchino its not my fault that you just so happen to walk into my office without knocking which i believe is a common curtesy

Arlecchino: can confirm

Scaramouche: what the FUCK do you two talk about????

Pantalone: none of your business you purple haired pussy cat you look like that purple grape guy from my hero academia 

Columbina: ate him uppp

The Tsaritsa: THATS MY BOY WOOOOOOHOOOOO

Pierro: Must you encourage him?

The Tsaritsa: yes??

u dont so i might as well

Arlecchino: i fear eating people up with insults runs in this family

Sandrone: 😈

Arlecchino: ok maybe not sandy but lonie scara and i all eat

Sandrone: 😞

Capitano: fucking loser

Signora: u r fucking a loser i dont wanna hear abt it

Capitano: HES NOT A LOSER

dios mio 

acting like rostams all that

that mf stupid as hell

Signora: HE IS SMART IN HIS OWN WAY LEAVE HIM ALONE

Columbina: literal definition of “he makes me laugh”

Dottore: LMFAOO

but calling lonie a loser is insane

hes like the hotter male version of asa mitaka from chainsaw man

Pantalone: that is not a compliment you literally called me a nervous worry wart without saying it which i am not by the way stop fucking laughing at me im going to chop your dick off and feed it to oh shit this thing is still on WAIT STOP DONT HIT THE

Capitano: 😇

Dottore: FEED IT TO ME PLEASE

Signora: oh my god

Sandrone: I WANT A BITE PLEASE

JUST ONE

Pierro: You are all degenerates I fear.

Childe: WAIT I WANNA BITE TOO

Capitano: im not letting any of u near my fucking room again.

Sandrone: hey big dog what was the purpose of waking us up again?

Pierro: I had prepared a meeting, but I formally am giving up.

We will have the meeting in person tomorrow at 7 AM sharp.

Childe: NOOOOO PLEASE

IM SORRY WHAT DID I DOOOO

Pierro: Nothing.

It is not your doing.

Pantalone: im not waking up at 5:30 in the fucking morning to get ready for some meeting that will ruin my economics you are fucking funny pierro

Pierro: Must you use such foul language? My, your mother would be ashamed to hear you speak to me that way.

Pantalone: im going to kill this motherfucker cap

Capitano: go for it

The Tsaritsa: the meeting will be at noon

idk why pierro said 7

Pierro: Did we not agree on 7 AM?

The Tsaritsa: no???

when did we agree on that

Pierro: This morning?

The Tsaritsa: motherfucker it is 8:08 in the fucking morning

u literally woke me up by hitting me in the face with that stupid fucking sleep hat that u refuse to go to bed without 

we didnt agree on shit this morning

Signora: FUCK IT GUESS WE BOTH AINT SHIT

Pierro: I already apologized, I truly do not see why you are still upset.

The Tsaritsa: yep thats it ur getting the icey strap tonight.

[ The Tsaritsa has gone offline! ]

Childe: SHE SAID HUHHHHHHHH

Arlecchino: fork in the kitchen

Pantalone: sandy owes me mora now

Dottore: YALL HAD BETS ON TS?????

Sandrone: duhh

idk why i bet against it 

Scaramouche: like arle said

fork in the kitchen

Pierro: Pretend that didn't happen.

Pantalone: no im going to hold onto that for a while oh and by the way caps laughing at you right now

[ Pantalone has gone offline! ]

Signora: LOLLLLL

like mother like son fr

Capitano: YOY GET FUCJING PEGGED BY THE TSARTITSA IM FUCJING CRYING

Pierro: I do not.

Dottore: u got evidence to back that claim up pipi???

Pierro: Of course I do, I have my own condoms that I use during intercourse.

Sandrone: oh so u rawdog the dildo

do u take it like a goodboy

Columbina: pierro does get assfucked by her majesty i thought this was common knowledge 

Pierro: …

How long have you known of this.

Columbina: a few decades now

why?

Capitano: NO FUCKING WAYY

LMFAOO

Dottore: hey man i take it up the ass too on the down low

Pierro: Do not bring me to your level.

Childe: i also take it in the ass sometimes

baizhu makes these plant plugs :3

Pierro: This has gone downhill far too quickly.

I have only one option now.

[ 11 members of the chat have been muted for 24 hours! ]

Pierro: That should do it.

Sandrone2: hey king

Pierro: FUCK OFF

Chapter Text

the skibidi harbingers

6:38 PM

[ 4 people are online! ]

Columbina: woooooimbouttamakeanameformyselfyea

Arlecchino: help she hasnt stopped

do NAWT take her to the movies

Scaramouche: retweet

how are you just now figuring this out

shes worse than lone when it comes to talking

Columbina: kill urself boyfucker

Sandrone: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Scaramouche: what did i do

i spoke facts and truth

Sandrone: ok firecracker

Columbina: LMFAOOO

i was gonna say stormfront 

u lucky sandy beat me to it

Scaramouche: i hate you and your stupid hairbows

you think your coquette? no youre a cockrat fuck off

Sandrone: zont zew it

Arlecchino: scara…

ur the cocksucker here

Scaramouche: FUCK OFF

Columbina: or fuck on

cuz last i saw u were still speaking to a certain sumeran..

Scaramouche: BRO PLEASE WHAT DO YOU WANT

Arlecchino: wait

u ACTUALLY have a relationship????

Sandrone: holy shit thats hard to believe

Scaramouche: sandrone you can NOT be speaking.

youre quite literally the definition of a femcel.

Sandrone: 😞

Scaramouche: and so what if i do have a relationship? it cant be that hard to believe

Arlecchino: 😬

u have no idea how hard it is to believe that u r ACTUALLY being liked by someone

Scaramouche: kys

Columbina: HEY 👿

Sandrone: hi 👋🏻 

Scaramouche: SHUT THE FUCK UP I CAN HEAR THOSE FUCJING SPIDER LEGS COMING UP THE STAIRS IM NOT LETTING UOU IN SANDRONE.

[ Pantalone is now online! ]

Pantalone: bina i ate those brownies in the butterfly fridge. i’m just letting you know.

Columbina: oh no

theyll kick in shortly

Pantalone: what?

columbina.

Arlecchino: oh

@capitano

[ Capitano is now online! ]

Capitano: what cabrón

Columbina: i need u for a trip sit

Capitano: ????

im not fucking tripsitting u

u have arle for that not me

Sandrone: no no

its for someone else

Pantalone: what the fuck did you put in the brownies? also what is a “tripsit”?

Scaramouche: youll see very shortly

Capitano: oh

OH

baby what exactly did u eat from the fridge

also which fridge

Pantalone: i had some brownies from that fridge with the purple butterflies on it. why?

Capitano: HOW MANY DID U EAT???

Pantalone: ????

like 5. i really don't think it's this big of a problem.

Columbina: oh that trips going to be bad..

Scaramouche: womp womp

Capitano: im coming dw

[ Capitano is now offline! ]

Columbina: such a dutiful man!

u really trained him well lonie

Pantalone: should i be worried?

what exactly did i eat?

Arlecchino: u ate binas shroom brownies

Pantalone: ??

what is that?

Scaramouche: did you eat anything before the brownies

Pantalone: not since breakfast. seriously what is going on.

Sandrone: u r about to experience the birth of teyvat

Pantalone: ???

oh caps here!

bye!

Scaramouche: hes actually so fucked

Columbina: i know 😞

but not as fucked as ur asshole

when were u going to tell us u were still getting buttfucked by sethos

Scaramouche: ?????

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT???

Sandrone: 1 2 skip a few ahh texts

Columbina: that one time u brought him to the palace and u guys were really loud

[ The Tsaritsa is now online! ]

The Tsaritsa: can confirm 

[ The Tsaritsa is now offline! ]

Scaramouche: shes actually my fucking opp.

Arlecchino: thats the mf with the bug eyes right

yikes…

Sandrone: retweet

Scaramouche: FYM BUG EYES???

HE DOESNT HAVE BUG EYES WHAT??

Columbina: yikes struck a nerve there huh

Scaramouche: why are you guys being mean to him

its not his fault he looks like that

Sandrone: SO U AGREE HES GOT BUGEYES???

Scaramouche: 😞

he makes me laugh.

Columbina: LMFAO DAWG..

Pantalone: hhhhlp

[ Capitano is now online! ]

Capitano: that shit kicked in too quickly

Arlecchino: and ur just letting him have his phone???

twin take that shit awayy

Capitano: hes harmless

Columbina: has he never done shrooms before???

Capitano: why the fuck would he do shrooms bina.

Scaramouche: literally

the worst hes done is weed and he threw up after that one

Columbina: 😞

Pantalone: b

Arlecchino: bina this is ur fault

Columbina: HOW IS THIS MY FAULT HE ATE THEM NOT ME????

Capitano: where did the letter go that was on the butterfly fridge saying it had edibles

Sandrone: oh

ttore took that shit

Columbina: ????

WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE DO THAT????

Sandrone: idk hes freaky

Scaramouche: an elderly blind man could tell you that.

Capitano: hes tripping balls 

he said that he can see khanrieah

Arlecchino: ooooouu hes fucked uppp

do i need to come over

Capitano: FFFFFFFFFFFFUCK no

Columbina: more for me

😈

Arlecchino: ?????

Sandrone: i think bina has ulterior motives

Scaramouche: nooo what makes you say that

youre supposed to be one of the smarter harbingers USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN

Columbina: our smartest members!!!

number 1 dottore

number 2 sandrone

number 3 pantalone

and hes tripping balls rigjt mow!

Capitano: imma trip u down the fucking stairs leave him alone.

Arlecchino: chill bruh hes all urs

Pantalone: b

Columbina: awww look hes speaking

Pantalone: bug

Columbina: ?

Capitano: ignore 

Columbina: omg cap guess what

Capitano: what

on EVERYONES soul if u say chicken butt imma beat yo ass

Columbina: chicken butt!

oh

please no

but seriously i have news

SCARAMOUCHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!!!!!

Capitano: how the fuck????

thats a joke right

Scaramouche: KILL YOURSELF????

Capitano: no but seriously how tf u pull that off??

ur actually the most unlikable mf here

the ONLY 4 people that fw u r bina sandy ttore and childe and that really says something

Columbina: 😞

why am i catching strays

Capitano: deserved 

Scaramouche: ok binas not THAT bad

the other three are fucking terrible 

i do NOT know how i attracted those fiends

Capitano: still

i actually cant believe it without photo evidence of what this man looks like

Sandrone: check dms

Capitano: TWIN THIS DUDE GOT THAT LEAD PAINT STARE

LMAOOO 

u really said “he makes me laugh” and fuckin RAN with ts

dios mio he looks worse and dumber than rostam

Scaramouche: NOT EVERYONE CAN DATE A FUCKING OFFICE SIREN.

Sandrone: awwww u think lonies an office siren how cute

Scaramouche: KILL YOURSELF SANDRONE I WONT SAY IT AGAIN

Sandrone: 🙂‍↔️

Arlecchino: bina i miss u

😽 

Columbina: i missu moreeeee 😽😽😽😽

Scaramouche: you both make me sick.

Arlecchino: fuck any relationship with u is probably toxic anyways

Scaramouche: ohhhh you are one to talk!!!

Sandrone: munches on popcorn

Capitano: stfu im watching ts

Pantalone: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrn

Sandrone: ???

Capitano: dont question him

Arlecchino: scara mad cuz hes got that fuckass haircut

like damn id be mad too

Scaramouche: ok rattails who actually gaf?

Arlecchino: ok ripoff 

Scaramouche: no parents?

Arlecchino: no motherly love?

no mommy to cry to?

Scaramouche: LISTEN HERE SHITHEAD

Arlecchino: oh i struck a nerve huh

Scaramouche: not really 

cant care if shes a puppet with a bitchy attitude 

Arlecchino: sounds QUITE a bit like a purple haired harbinger

have u ever thought of the fact that u look like a project sekai character

Sandrone: this gets brought up every argument istg

Capitano: and it works everytime

Scaramouche: SHE LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE FUCKING ASTUSHI FROM BSD I DONT WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT FROM HER

Arlecchino: I DONG FUCKING LOOK LIKE THAT TWINK

Sandrone: hehehe

dong

Capitano: on everything i want sandy to die

Columbina: retweet

Sandrone: U TOO????

😞

Pantalone: mm

Capitano: mm

Scaramouche: wtf

Columbina: shhhh theyre communicating

Arlecchino: hes gone

rip

Sandrone: like how im going to RIP my pants when i fart 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Scaramouche: GET OUTTTTTT

Capitano: retweet because what yhe fuck was that

on EVERYONES soul but mine sandy will NOT make it through the night

Pantalone: 🪲

Chapter Text

the SINISTER six (theres only 5 of us 😒)

1:24 am

[ 5 people are online! ]

no balls: KILL URSELF???? HELLO WHY THE FUCK WOULD U DO THAT????

orang: I DIDNT DO SHIT LEAVE ME ALONEEEE

THAT ISNT MY FAULT

no balls: whh the FUCK r my segments yapping

afro caseoh: they just like u fr

u ALWAYS yapping 

and about what?

nada

megan thee stallion: cleared i fear

coquette dom: i fear he ate 😞

megan thee stallion: no wonder hes a fatass!!!

afro caseoh: BITCH????

orang: DONT ENCOURAGE HIM

afro caseoh: suck my hairy nutsack i want u to kill urself SO fucking bad rn

no balls: GLADLY

coquette dom: ok

what did u expect from that cap.

afro caseoh: oooo hes jelly im actively making out with my boyfriend

no balls: yea well im going down on my partner rn

megan thee stallion: goodness gracious leave the chat POR FAVORRRRRR

DO US ALL A FAVOR AND LOG OFFFFF

coquette dom: LMFAOO

orang: YEA WELL

my bf is in liyue idk where i was going with that one 😞

megan thee stallion: 😕

naw cuz why do i lowkey feel bad

its ok childe

coquette dom: LOL DONT FEEL BAD FOR HIS SORRY ASS HE COULDNT PULL PANTALONE SO HE WENT FOR HIS COUSIN

orang: WHAT????

YEA LONES ATTRACTIVE BUT HES WAY OUTTA MY LEAGUE

LET ALONE CAPS

afro caseoh: WHY THE FUCK AM I CATCHING STRAYS BRUH????

U MAD I ACTUALLY PULLED HIM AND U AINT

no balls: 🙁

hes far too fine for his own good..

coquette dom: no literally

and i say this as a lesbian woman i would impregnate him so fast

megan thee stallion: no but lowkey

same

orang: OK SEE IM NOT THE ONLY ONE

afro caseoh: imma start barking at yall

LEAVE MY MANS ALONE

HES MINE BACK OFF

no balls: id pay money to see u bark at people

afro caseoh: ill do it for free if yall dont leave him alone

coquette dom: DAMN im hard

megan thee stallion: flickin the bean rn

orang: goodness gracious..

afro caseoh: rosa.

megan thee stallion: what

afro caseoh: why the FUCK is giovanni at my door.

megan thee stallion: that slippery mf.

orang: THATS UR KID HELLO????

megan thee stallion: idk

he can stay the night at urs

afro caseoh: pinche pendeja

I WAS TRYNA GET LAID TPNIGHT 

coquette dom: free cock block!

megan thee stallion: frfr

orang: no literally

qiqi is the biggest cockblocker istg

no balls: see

thats why u dont date a man with kids

because u will always get cock blocked

coquette dom: bruh the hearth kids r the biggest mf cockblockers too

like BRO LEMME PEG MY GF LEAVE US ALONE

U DONT NEED UR FATHER BUT I DO

afro caseoh: ok rosa

megan thee stallion: WHAT IS IT HUNAHPU.

afro caseoh: STOP TELLING HIM PANTALONE IS EXPECTING A BABY.

coquette dom: goodness

no balls: i can make that a reality…😈

orang: retweet

afro caseoh: VANNIS LITERALLY TOUCHING HIS STOMACH AND ASKING HIM WHEN HES DUE

coquette dom: LMFAOO STAWPPP

THATS ACTUALLY SO FUNNY 

no balls: i fear it is quite funny

orang: im going to start asking him when hes due too

afro caseoh: u guys r the worst

megan thee stallion: 🙂‍↔️

afro caseoh: UR THE WORST ONE HERE.

megan thee stallion: ACTING LIKE UR ANY BETTER

afro caseoh: LISTEN HERE CABRONA

megan thee stallion: OOOOO BIG WORDS FOR THE LITTLE MAN HUH

U FORGET WHOS OLDER RIGHT

I SHOULDA EATEN U IN THE FUCKING WOMB

afro caseoh: IM LITERALLY WATCHING UR KID FOR FREE WHILE U PROBABLY HAVE SEX 

megan thee stallion: WOMP FUCKING WOMP

no balls: caps all hawk and no tuah 🤣🤣🤣

orang: oh..

coquette dom: omg sandy????

no balls: hey queer

coquette dom: i missed u

afro caseoh: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CHAT SANDRONE.

no balls: imma touch u first.

😈

orang: HELP???

no balls: im definitely touching childe

oh

guys

no guys

guys wait

guys

guys please

megan thee stallion: im saving that cuz it just looks like ttore saying that

afro caseoh: ooo

ho u evilll

coquette dom: LOL

megan thee stallion: ik ik praise me

orang: ok lets not get too far ahead of ourselves

no balls: 😈

afro caseoh: i cant tell if its ttore or sandy

coquette dom: still sandy

u can tell because shes only speaking emoji

afro caseoh: oh

megan thee stallion: i miss vanni 🙁

afro caseoh: come get him

aint nobody stopping u

nvm

pantalone might

megan thee stallion: if u dont adopt a baby…

no balls: LUTERALLY

GUVE HIM A CHILD OR SOMTHING THEN U ACTUALLY HAVE CLAIM TO HIM

afro caseoh: CLAIM OVER HIM?????

WHAT THIS ISNT CENTURIES AGO HELLO????

coquette dom: welcome back ttore

no balls: 😞

what gave it away

coquette dom: the whole pantalone child thing is UR weird obsession not sandys

hers is trying to turn childe into a puppet

orang: STILL????

I THOUGHT SHE GOT OVER THAT

megan thee stallion: no

she REALLY wants to make u a puppet

like bad

afro caseoh: id sleep with one eye open

megan thee stallion: u only sleep with one eye open to look for food u fucking fatass

afro caseoh: WHAT IS UR PROBLEM????

megan thee stallion: U R MY PROBLEM

and been my problem since ur birth

coquette dom: average older sister experience 

afro caseoh: SHES OLDER BY LIKE THREE YEARS???

coquette dom: shes still older

u literally said it in ur sentence

afro caseoh: imma kill u

orang: wait

how many bio siblings do u guys have??

megan thee stallion: 2 others

but ones dead so technically just 1

afro caseoh: hes kinda lame ngl

coquette dom: ohhhh right

isnt it that one archon guy from natlan?

xbalanque?

megan thee stallion: RIGHT ON THE MONEYYYY

idk how tf he gave up the archon throne

like twin u the strongest out here 😒

orang: WAIT BACK UP

UR RELATED TO A FUCKING ARCHON???

afro caseoh: i shouldve been the next one

megan thee stallion: just cuz ur related to him doesnt mean u were guaranteed the spot as pyro archon

yea ur strong as shit and could probably kill all of the archons but that doesnt mean shit unless ur noticed by celestia

afro caseoh: lo que

[ afro caseoh is now offline! ]

coquette dom: sigh

orang: ?

what happened????

megan thee stallion: too much

coquette dom: a story for another time

orang: but im interested now

megan thee stallion: womp fuckung womp

no balls: OH NOOOO

TENSION

coquette dom: sandy its not working 😞

orang: okk

hmm

hiw do we fix this

megan thee stallion: idfk

we dont

let it fester

maybe itll come out as something good

no balls: arlecchino pregnant when

coquette dom: 🙁

what is ur weird obsession with making our coworkers pregnant

no balls: 😞

megan thee stallion: ttore wants a baby to experiment on

wait

u literally have sucrose

go get her???

no balls: oh shiy ur right

forgot abt her

orang: HOW THE FUCK DO U FORGET ABOUT UR OWN KID???

no balls: idfk 😞

megan thee stallion: i forget about vanni sometimes 😞

coquette dom: yall can NOT be the new parents

orang: literally

like if my parents ever forgot about my siblings my babushka would beat their asses

megan thee stallion: u forget about qiqi all the time

orang: THAT WAS TWICE I FORGOT TO GET HER A GIFT AND I BOUGJT HER COCONUT MILK ANYWAYS SO IT WAS FINE.

coquette dom: 😬

baizhu beat ur ass huh..

orang: 😞

he did indeed

and then i was chewed out by changsheng the entire night

lets just say i did NOT get laid that night

no balls: SIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHH

man i wish i had a baddie office/doctor siren like baizhu or pantalone 😕

coquette dom: u literally have sandy

the epitome of humor

no balls: do NOT encourage her.

megan thee stallion: i miss vanni 🙁

his little chubby cheeks r too cute

coquette dom: go fetch ur kid from ur brothers room

megan thee stallion: i might actually do that

maybe ill bring fire water

😈

im getting that niece one way or another

[ megan thee stallion is now offline! ]

no balls: WAIT WHAT

NIECE???

😈

IM COMING TOO

[ no balls is now offline! ]

coquette dom: sighs

orang: ok what is their obsession witj pantalone having a baby

coquette dom: for nora its because she wants a niece/nephew

ttores just..

yk

ttore

orang: oh

no i get it

coquette dom: anyways imma go peg my fiance now

bye! 😘 

[ coquette dom is now offline! ]

orang: what the fuck

Chapter Text

the skibidi harbingers

2:17 pm

[ 6 people are now online! ]

Arlecchino: whos scream of anguish was that

Dottore: mine

SANDY WONT GIVE ME THE FUCKINg MEAT IN LETS COOK TOGETHER

Sandrone: I NEED IT MORE

UR JOB IS TO MAKE SALADS WHY DO U NEED MEAT

Pantalone: @TARTAGLIA GET ONLINE RIGHT NOW.

Childe: WHATTTT

oh

oh no

Arlecchino: what happened this time

Pantalone: he broke up with baizhu.

Childe: omfg

i told u we were going on a break because of his family

oh

minus u i guess

Pantalone: ?

Arlecchino: wait what

tf happened

Childe: ok so

i went to liyue recently right

i went to meet bais family

bro tell me why his uncle told me to break up with him or he was gonna kill qiqi

Pantalone: i am going to kill that old fucker.

[ Pantalone has gone offline! ]

Scaramouche: theres too many old people he wants to kill

Arlecchino: no i know

anyways childe why did u agree

ur a fucking harbinger

Childe: no heres the thing

their uncle is the grand marshal of liyue

🙁

i didnt wanna risk it so i just told bai i needed a break for a bit and i would text him later

and then i texted him what happened and he kinda flipped out and told pantalone

Arlecchino: @columbina

[ Columbina is now online! ]

Columbina: hey bbg

Arlecchino: do u know how to put hits out on people

Columbina: ?

yes

who am i putting a hit out on

Scaramouche: the grand marshal of liyue

Columbina: oh the freaky uncle

whatd he do now

Childe: he told me he was going to kill qiqi if i didnt break up with baizhu and now we r on a break 🙁

Columbina: oh

hmmmmm

idk just send pantalone

Arlecchino: hes probably being held down by cap atm

Dottore: tell him to release that beast iykyk 😈

Sandrone: RELEASE THE BEAST IN ME 🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺

Dottore: wow my alpha is so sugoii 🤤

Sandrone: no problem kitten 😈 mommy will protect u always

Scaramouche: LET ME OUTTTTT

PLEASE

LET ME LEAVE

PLEASE GOD

[ The Tsaritsa is now online! ]

The Tsaritsa: suffer

sighhhhhh

im bored guys

Columbina: childe and baizhu r on a break now!

The Tsaritsa: HOW TF U FUMBLE THE BAG????

HE LITERALLY PERSUED U FIRST HOW TF DID U MANAGE TO FUMBLE

Childe: I DIDNT

THEIR UNCLE IS WEIRD OK

Sandrone: i just wanna be part of ur SYMPHONY💜

Dottore: STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT 

STG SHE PLAYS THE FUCKING SONG ON HER SOUND BOARD EVERYTIME I SAY I NEED A FOOD ITEM

Scaramouche: ?

oh

are you still playing that game

Sandrone: yert

this game is sm fun idk why hes not having fun

The Tsaritsa: maybe its because hes lame

Sandrone: i was literally thinking that

its like were locked in 😛

The Tsaritsa: how do i lock out

Arlecchino: u cant

but u can kill her

Sandrone: NOOOOOOOO PLEASE WHAT DID I DO

The Tsaritsa: id never kill sandy shes too intriguing

like very studyable

Columbina: retweet

Sandrone: WHY R U GUYS SI MEAN

Scaramouche: no but ur actually very studyable

Arlecchino: no she is

Sandrone: LEAVE ME ALONE

Dottore: GIVE ME THE FUCKING MEAT OH MY GOD

Sandrone: I NEED IT TO DO MINE FUCK OFF

The Tsaritsa: this is how u know their relationship is strong af

cuz if pierro ever yelled at me that he needs meat more id be sure to let him know im moving onto ladies

Childe: real

Columbina: did u guys know that pierro had a crush on pantalone 😛

Childe: HUHHHHHH

Scaramouche: BROTHER EWWWWUUUUAAAAAHHHHH

The Tsaritsa: can confirm sadly 😞

Arlecchino: also can confirm

Childe: do NOT let cap know

hes going to tweak out

The Tsaritsa: he will

which is why we keep this between us

Dottore: HE HAD A CRUSH ON WHOOOOOO

GOODNESS ME

THATS A FUCJIN AGE GAP 

Arlecchino: ok welcome to the party fatass

Dottore: 😞

im sorry im still PLAYING THIS STUPID FUCJING GAME

SANDRONE IM GOING TO BEAT THE FUCJ OUT OF U

Sandrone: what i DO💜

Columbina: can i go to ellie and mason HOUSE💜

Scaramouche: mama a girl behind YOU💜

The Tsaritsa: what the fuck is going on

Arlecchino: idfk

Childe: can we not skip over the pantalone pierro thing

im intrigued

The Tsaritsa: tbh if u dont have a thing for pantalone ur either a mega lesbian or old af or related to him

but like pierros old af so he should stay in his own lane yk

Columbina: pierros freaky ass needed a youngblood

Arlecchino: thats fucjing crazy

Columbina: can we have lex

Arlecchino: no

Columbina: 😞

its fine ill just kms

Scaramouche: no pussy?

Columbina: aint ur bf in sumeru

i dont wanna fucking hear it mr worldwide

Sandrone: ROASTED AND TOASTED AM I RIGHT BINA

Columbina: damn straight.

Arlecchino: ok who is screaming

Dottore: that wasnt me

this time at least

[ Signora is now online! ]

Signora: WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT GIOVANNI CURSE WORDS.

Arlecchino: fork in the kitchen

Signora: MY KID JUST CALLED ME A CUNT WHO TAUGHT HIM THAT

The Tsaritsa: LMAO

can we make bets

my bet goes to scara

Scaramouche: ok old lady.

The Tsaritsa: imma beat tf outta ur disrespect ass

Arlecchino: beat that haircut off of him while ur at it

Scaramouche: YOU ARE ONE TO TALK.

Signora: guys

im deadass who taught him this

Columbina: oh probably me

sorry!

Signora: ?????

WHY

Columbina: we were reading together and he said cunt instead of count and i didnt correct him

Arlecchino: oh

bina stop reading to the hearth tots

Columbina: ?

Arlecchino: they say cunt instead of count

Columbina: silly me!

but i never really read to them anyways

Arlecchino: oh

whos teaching my kids curse words

Signora: me mf

Arlecchino: can u stop

one called childes hair a fuckass bob

he dont even got a bob???

Childe: 🙁

Signora: LMFAO R U FR

Arlecchino: im deadass

another called pantalone a bitch for taking away her toy when she hit someone

he cried

privately but still

Signora: serves him right

Dottore: FR

The Tsaritsa: ok imma beat tf outta yall too

Arlecchino: signora another one called u a cunt

Signora: WHAT

THE WHOLE HEARTH FINNA BE GONE U BEST BE JOKING

Scaramouche: yeowch

struck a nerve there huh

Dottore: no one calls nora a bitch besides me

Signora: shut the fuck up u wear a dog collar

Dottore: WHAT DID I DO

Sandrone: ttore 

pssst

can i have the meat

Dottore: NO BRUH I NEED THAT SHIT

Signora: ???????

yall fuckin or something

Dottore: ew no

we r playing cooking together

its horrible

Sandrone: this is sm fun

Columbina: hey dot

Dottore: what

Columbina: sucrose is dating the student of one of the hexenzirkel members

Dottore: WHAT

WHAT THE FUCK U SRS OR JOKING

Arlecchino: yukes

Columbina: im srs

i have footage of them holding hands

Dottore: .

im going to mondstadt

The Tsaritsa: no the fuck ur not

Dottore: PLEASE I NEED TO STOP MY KID BEFORE ONE OF THEM BITCHES KILLS HER

Sandrone: mama there a girl behind YOU💜

Scaramouche: nows not the time

Sandrone: 😞

i dont see why this is a problem dot

Dottore: IVE COMMITTED MASS ATROCITIES THAT THE HEXENZIRKEL DID NOT FUCK WITH

Columbina: ykw this sounds like

a u problem

Signora: retweet cuz idgaf

Arlecchino: ttore just be happy for her

Dottore: shes in mortal danger

The Tsaritsa: thats an average wlw relationship fym

Arlecchino: LITERALLY

Columbina: literally

i mean she couldve done worse

Dottore: WHO WOULD BE WORSE

Columbina: a fontainian.

Sandrone: whats wrong with that

Dottore: no no she has a point

Sandrone: ??????

Childe: i just lost my DAAAAAAHHAAAAHAAAWG

Columbina: real

Arlecchino: what

what is it with people screaming today goodness

Signora: that was cap

Childe: r u sure

that sounded like a little girls scream

Signora: lone probably bit his arm or something

Arlecchino: oh

Signora: yea hes been tryna escape caps grasp for the past 20mins to go kill some old dude

Columbina: still???

damn

Childe: he is NOT getting to liyue in a day

Dottore: do NOT fucking underestimate that heathen.

Sandrone: hes ripped one of my spiderlegs off because i wouldnt let him leave my lab 😞

Scaramouche: ok but thats literally on you

The Tsaritsa: who the fuck keeps screaming

Signora: cap again

[ Capitano is now online! ]

Capitano: HE BIT ME TWICE.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YALL DO

Dottore: he has rabies

Sandrone: i wonder who gave him that

Dottore: 😈

Capitano: my boyfriend doesnt have rabies.

Childe: dont let him out

Capitano: im not

but why

Childe: ok so

his uncle kinda told me to break up with baizhu or he was going to kill qiqi and now me n bai r on a break 

Capitano: oh

OH

ok yea hes not going out

Signora: this mf feral or something

Capitano: worry about ur kid calling u a cunt

Columbina: clocked her tea goodness me

Arlecchino: the children yearn for pancakes

Capitano: ????

 thats like 100 kids to cook for

Arlecchino: 54 and u must

Capitano: i hate u so fucking much

i cant leave pantalones going to escape if i dont watch him

The Tsaritsa: thats actually very true

hes more slippery than giovanni

Signora: no one is as slippery as that little mf

Arlecchino: where do u think he learn that shit from

Signora: oh u right

Dottore: have u guys ever had sex together

even better a threesome with bina

The Tsaritsa: oh

Scaramouche: what does that mean

..

Columbina: 😈

Dottore: R U FUCKING SERIOUS????

Signora: 😛

Arlecchino: 😗

Childe: WHY HAS EVERYONE HAD SEX TOGETHER BUT ME

Signora: aint nobody wanna touch that

Childe: 😞

Dottore: heheheh…😈

Childe: no i dont want to test ur fucking dildos

Dottore: 😞

Sandrone: 😈

Childe: no i dont want to try ur sex robots

seriously what do u guys take me for

Scaramouche: a virgin

The Tsaritsa: oh he clocked yo ass

Childe: 😞

Capitano: HOL UP REWIND

YALL DID HUH????

Signora: eachother?

hello is this hard for ur little brain to grasp

Capitano: oh u asked for this

Signora: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

Capitano: marceloq

Signora: TELL IT TO LEAVE ME ALONE

Columbina: WHERES MY BABY BOYYYY

Capitano: he doesnt fw u move on

Arlecchino: what the fuck is marceloq

Capitano: my saurian

he roams the palace

Sandrone: hes chill

and he doesnt give a ####

Dottore: y did u sensor urself

Sandrone: bro doesnt know about this chill new character

his whole thing is that hes chill and doesnt give a ####

Scaramouche: its too niche

Sandrone: FUCK

Dottore: ??????

Columbina: its bad when ttores confused

Signora: THAT FUCKING THING BIT ME

Capitano: he only bites when necessary u probably scared him

Signora: WHY DOES VANNI FW IT

Arlecchino: because vanni isnt screaming at the top of his lungs because a saurian is hanging out

Capitano: yert

oh

FUCK I LOOKED AWAY FOR ONE SECOND AND HES FUCJING GONE

The Tsaritsa: fuck

Scaramouche: fuck

Dottore: whoever hes going for is cooked

Capitano: nvm i found him

he tripped and fell in kitty litter and now hes crying

Columbina: how does that happen 😓

Capitano: idfk

i guess its bathtime

Signora: what are u five

Capitano: imma kick ur ass

Signora: not before i bury urs

Capitano: kys

[ Capitano is now offline! ]

The Tsaritsa: awww marceloq found his way to me

hes such a cutiepie

Signora: he bites

The Tsaritsa: nooo this cutie would never

Arlecchino: is he really THAT cute?

Scaramouche: he is

i mean

no hes the ugliest thing i have ever laid my eyes upon

Childe: OMG U DO HAVE A HEART!!!!!

Scaramouche: kys

Sandrone: smells like saurian for dinner 😈

Dottore: heheheh…😈

Chapter Text

the skibidi harbingers

3:32 pm

[ 12 people are online! ]

Signora: THE FUCK U MEAN IM GOING TO MONDSTADT????

Pierro: I know it is not ideal.

Signora: MOTHERFUCKER CHANGE IT THEM UR THE DAMN DIRECTOR???????

The Tsaritsa: eats popcorn

Capitano: lmfao

Pulcinella: Why, I would love some popped corn right now! Would you care to share with little old me?

The Tsaritsa: no

starve

Pulcinella: 😢

Signora: IM NOT GOING TO FUCJING MONDSTATD CAN I SWITCH WITH SOMEONE

The Tsaritsa: yes

Sandrone: erm

Signora: i want to switch with sandy

Sandrone: HAH

ur funny

Signora: fresh air would do u some good

that bob of urs is about as stiff as a fucking plank

Childe: whats so bad abt mond

Capitano: no se

Signora: NOW U KNOW GOOD AND WELL WHY THAT OLACE IS MY PERSONAL HELL CAP.

Capitano: no se 😒

Childe: she can swap with me

Signora: OMG REALLY?????

Childe: yea sure

ive never been outside of liyue or here

Dottore: FUCK IM GOING GO MONDSTADT TOO THEN RIFHT

Pierro: No?

What would make you believe that?

Dottore: SUCROSE IS DATIBG A STUDENT OF THE HEXENZIRKEL I NEED TO SAVE HER

Columbina: weve been over this

shes just in a wlw relationship 😓

Dottore: U DONT UNDERSTAND

Arlecchino: average fathers experience to hearing the horrors of a wlw break up

The Tsaritsa: real

i remember mine to this day 💔

Pantalone: why am i being sent back to liyue?

Scaramouche: because pierro doesnt like u

Pantalone: i know that but is there a different reason he can use?

Pierro: I have no “liking” to any of our coworkers, Pantalone. The branch of the bank is in Liyue, and it is your responsibility, is it not?

Pantalone: it is, but i’ve been sent there the past four missions. i still have an interior economy to run.

Capitano: he can come with me 😄

Pierro: No, he is far too much of a distraction to you.

The Tsaritsa: oh so ur calling him a distraction cuz hes a pretty boy?

i mean u do get distracted by him pretty easily

Columbina: OH MY GOD

Arlecchino: oh no

Capitano: que carajo

Signora: what that mean

The Tsaritsa: it MEANS that mr director over here has rubbed a few out to pantalone

Pierro: I have not.

Pantalone: i sure hope you haven’t. that’s really gross.

Childe: EWWWWWUUUUUAAAAAHHHHH WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK

Scaramouche: we literally told you about this last time

Columbina: mf dont break the forth wall goddamn

Capitano: YOU ALL KNEW ABT THIS AND DIDNT THINK TO TELL ME??????

Signora: if it makes u feel any better i didnt know

Capitano: kys

pierro its on fucking sight

Pierro: For what reason? I have not done anything wrong.

Sandrone: munches popcorn

Dottore: steals popcorn

munches popcorn

Pantalone: can i stay in sneznhaya this time please?

The Tsaritsa: awwww ofc u can

what the fuck was that crash.

Signora: THE GIRLS R FIGHTING 

Dottore: DAMN CAP HAS A FATTY HELLO????

Scaramouche: i think u should stop them

Dottore: FUCK NO

i mean i could stop them another way 😈

Sandrone: i want u so bad

Dottore: 😈

Scaramouche: you have dms use them.

Sandrone: imma put my robo pounder 12009000 in ur boypussy and turn it to 11 😈

Columbina: in whos

chat this is crucial

Scaramouche: LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS I DONG WANT TO BE AN EXPERIMENT

Dottore: I WILL STEP UP

ill sacrifice.

Sandrone: 😈🐺

Signora: WHY R THERE SO MANY FREAKS IN THIS FUCKING PALACE OH MY GOD

Pantalone: you’re one to talk.

Arlecchino: clocked her tea

DAMN CAP IS BEATING HIS ASS BRUH

Columbina: ts going viral on worldstar

Dottore: cap should be our new director

The Tsaritsa: UR FUNNY

no

Dottore: why

The Tsaritsa: its simple

while cap has a strategic mind

its used on the battlefield instead of diplomatically

Signora: so if i was strong af i would be the director

The Tsaritsa: yerp

Pantalone: can someone tell them to stop? i just want my afternoon tea without the clanking of metal.

Columbina: DAWG THEY FIGHTING OVER U HELLO?????

Pantalone: ?

i only love one man, and i can tell you with confidence that it is not pierro.

Scaramouche: say it louder for the people in the back

Dottore: did i hear unplanned pregnancy? oh boy oh boy oh boy!!!!

Pantalone: no.

Dottore: PLEASE

Scaramouche: bro youre acting like the baby would be yours

Dottore: ID BE THE HONORARY UNCLE

Pantalone: according to who?

Sandrone: ur mom

Dottore: according to cap

Signora: loud incorrect buzzer

Columbina: lol

anyways

maybe we should plan for 2 unexpected pregnancies

Signora: ?

WHO THE FUCK IS PREGANANT?????

Columbina: no one

yet 😈

Arlecchino: IM NOT GETTING PREGNANT LEAVE ME ALONE

Dottore: @scaramouche

Scaramouche: IM NOT GETTING PREGNANT EITHER FUCK OFF

Dottore: someone please 

Childe: ?

whatd i miss

Dottore: PLEASE GET PREGNANT

Childe: ???????

Capitano: ok im back

i hope u fuckers were all entertained

Pantalone: come, i have pasteries.

Scaramouche: i was very entertained

Capitano: ok why r we talking abt unexpected pregnancies

Dottore: PPPPLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE

JUST GET HIM PREGNANT PLEASE

Capitano: kill urself

Signora: awwwww is baby mad

Capitano: im leaving

Pantalone: what to where?

Capitano: bed

Pantalone: no come have tea with me.

Capitano: coffee

Dottore: bed to caffeine pipeline

Capitano: stfu

Columbina: bed to mpreg pipeline

Capitano: OH MY GOD SHUT UP

Signora: pregnant when

Columbina: do u think cap would carry the baby or pantalone

Signora: thats a hard one

ill say cap

Dottore: NO WAY 

ITS PANTALONE

Columbina: ok im getting arle pregnant so we can have twins from different parengs

Arlecchino: omfg

Childe: WHAT IS UR OBSESSIONS WITH PREGNANCIES?????

Signora: 😈

Sandrone: because it would be funny

Capitano: it was funny when nora was pregnant

Signora: WHAT

Capitano: u heard me bitch

Dottore: she was more bitchy than normal

Signora: I HAD A 12 POUND BABY IN MY UTERUS WHAT DID U GUYS WANT FROM ME????

Sandrone: IT IS I

ROBBY RADISH

AND I HAVE HIJACKED THE FATUI HARBINGERS!

Childe: what the fuck is going on

Dottore: who wanna be my big bootied latina/latino

@signora @capitano

hey @signora @capitano 👋🏽

@signora @capitano

@signora @capitano

@signora @capitano

@signora @capitano

Columbina: ur forgetting me.

Dottore: oh..

hate to inform u but u dont have an ass

like that shit inverted

Arlecchino: acting like sandrone anybetter.

Dottore: she has personality 

Capitano: really said personality and ran with it huh..

Dottore: LEAVE ME ALONE NOT EVERYONE CAN BAG THE GROUP OFFICE SIREN

Capitano: and what about it

stay mad ho

Sandrone: robby radish has lost the context to the plot

Columbina: FYM MY ASS IS INVERTED?????

Dottore: 😓

didnt wanna be the one to tell u

Pantalone: @childe come to the gardens.

Childe: ok

The Tsaritsa: what could they POSSIBLY be plotting

Columbina: IMMA BEAT UR FUCKING ASS DOTTORE

Dottore: UR MAD I DIDNT LIE AND SAY U HAVE A FATTY

Signora: omg another fight

2 in a day

Capitano: go away

Signora: WHATD I DO

Capitano: too much

im tired

im hungry

Signora: fatass

Scaramouche: cap youre welcome to join us in the gardens

we are having tea and pastries

Capitano: whos there

Scaramouche: me childe lone and arle

Capitano: UGH FUCK THAT HOE  BRO

Signora: ?????

WHO R U TALKIN ABOUT

Capitano: arleccjino the knave

Arlecchino: what i do 💜

Capitano: too much

Pantalone: :(

why can't you two get along?

Capitano: SHES FUCKING STRANGE

Columbina: yk that one meme where its like the two ladies cry yelling at the cat

thats what this is rn

Sandrone: i see the vision

Capitano: imma take ur sight away next if u dont stfu

Signora: whag is ur problem today

Capitano: maybe finding out that some ancient fucker rubbed a few out to my lover kinda rubbed me the wrong way idk tho just a speculation

Dottore: ill rub another one out for u brotha 🤞🏽🤞🏽

Capitano: OH MY GOD

YOUR MAJESTY PLEASE

The Tsaritsa: ttore can be the punching bag idgaf

Capitano: THANK GOD

Dottore: PLEASE I HAVE 2 PEOPLE AFTER ME

wait

😏

Signora: his freaky ass bro

Sandrone: d1 freak

Dottore: THEY JUMPIN ME HELP

HELP ME

THEY BEHDHKQMXHRUEMD

Sandrone: i think hes dead

Columbina: we crushed his phone :3

caps stomping on his defeated body

The Tsaritsa: good

Pierro: Goodness, he did the same to me.

Arlecchino: mf we all watched him throw ur ass around like a ragdoll

Capitano: ttore went down easier than expected

oh

ur back for seconds i see

Sandrone: LET HIM GET UPPPPPP

Pantalone: @capitano i miss you.

Capitano: 😓

what do u need papi

Signora: ?????

PAPI????

Capitano: what

i cant call him names now 😒

Signora: MF USE A DIFFERENT ONE

Pantalone: when we cuddle he likes to use that one.

Columbina: awwwwwhhhh

u guys r so cute together

it makes me sick.

Capitano: what did u need lone

Pantalone: you?

Signora: twin if u fumble this istg

Capitano: sadly its not what u think it means

Columbina: no no i get it

my gf texts ominously too

Signora: come to think of it scara does the same shit

and sandy too

Pierro: Her Majesty types the same as well.

I never know when She will beat me next.

Capitano: this the only time i advocate for domestic abuse in a relationship

Columbina: another insane statement made by the first harbinger

u can NOT say this shit cap

Signora: LMAFO THATS FUCKIN WILD

Capitano: mf deserves it idgaf

The Tsaritsa: ahem

i dont beat my lover

😇

Capitano: sure wtvr

just hide the bruises aint nobody finna know

Columbina: CAP U CANT SAY TS AT ALL OH MY GOD

PIERRO WHAT DID U DO??????

Pierro: I am not admitting guilt.

The Tsaritsa: PLEASE ITS FOR UR OWN SAKE ATP

Pierro: I will never admit to something I did not do.

Capitano: yet ur wife says u did so i feel like the GOD OF LOVE knows when u fucking masturbate.

Signora: goodness hes on a roll

wait

your majesty

The Tsaritsa: yes i know when ALL OF U have any form of intimacy

Signora: 😞

ok but who the freakiest couple

The Tsaritsa: who u think

Sandrone: cap and pants

The Tsaritsa: no

surprisingly

arle and bina r like fucking rabbits bro

CONSTANTLY

Columbina: :3

but u said surprisingly so they fuck alot?????

The Tsaritsa: not really

its alot of cuddles i guess

Capitano: DONT AIR OUT OUR BUSINESS GODDAMN

Signora: mf u get no play 🤣🤣🤣

Sandrone: AND HE DOGS ON ME???

U GUYS ARENT EVEN FUCKING HALF THE TIME 😡😡😡😡😡😡

Columbina: LMFAO

i thought it was going to be rostam and nora

The Tsaritsa: a close second.

its a miracle shes not pregnant again

Capitano: how many pregnancy scares u had @signora

Signora: mf.

Columbina: HHAHAHAHHAHAHA

please get pregnant.

Signora: ?????

one giovanni is enough

Capitano: rostams stupid gene was passed down

Signora: why u beefing with a 4 year old.

Capitano: just a fact

Columbina: good god cap just log off 😭😭

Sandrone: its for everyone elses sake

Capitano: kys

im going to have tea and pastries with my boyfriend

[ Capitano is now offline! ]

Pulcinella: Oh! Did someone say tea and pastries? I would love some right about now!

The Tsaritsa: this fatass bro

Columbina: LEAVE HIM ALONE.

Pulcinella: I believe the word Signora uses is “Bitch”.

Signora: WHAT

PLEASE I ENVER CALLED HER MAJESTY A BITCH

The Tsaritsa: now we ALL know thats a lie

Signora: 😞

ok maybe like twice

Sandrone: u called her a bitch like 6 times in a sentence last week

Signora: narc.

Chapter Text

dottore haters

2:45 PM

[ 5 people are online! ]

mafuyu ahh: KILL YOURSELF EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY 

skibidi toilet enjoyer: what i DO💜

mafuyu ahh: FYM WHAT DID YOU DO

mom: now now mouche use ur words

atsushi wannabe: its always something with mr boykisser

mafuyu ahh: ME????

ok im airing the palace out

mom: please dont

boykisser: please don't do that, it is already cold in here.

mom: oh

yea sure well go with that version

mafuyu ahh: im killing sandrone.

skibidi toilet enjoyer: 🤣🤣🤣

atsushi wannabe: bitch u laugh like mr krabs aint nobody wanna hear that

mom: do i need to get the get along shirt for u three

i will if i need to

atsushi wannabe: WHAT WHY ME???

mom: u literally just told sandy that she sounds like mr krabs when she laughs

atsushi wannabe: and what abt it

u know im right

mom: BE NICE GD.

mafuyu ahh: she didnt deny it

skibidi toilet enjoyer: 😞

i dont laugj like mr krabs

boykisser: you do.

atsushi wannabe: SEE

ITS NOT JUST ME

boykisser: when do you go back to fontaine? i want to go too.

atsushi wannabe: idk like a week

mom: omg gangs all together

u should ALL go to fontaine

mafuyu ahh: ?

why

mom: bonding

mafuyu ahh: no

ill just go to sumeru

atsushi wannabe: walk his happy ass straight to the twinky arms of sethos

mafuyu ahh: BRO BE QUIET.

boykisser: i can’t wait to see wriothesley and navia i’m so excited!

atsushi wannabe: i keep forgetting ur friends with people EVERYWHERE

like good god

mafuyu ahh: thats freaky

skibidi toilet enjoyer: u hawk GYAT tuah be kidding me!

mom: ok im banning u from the internet

skibidi toilet enjoyer: WHAT WHY

wait who does lone know

atsushi wannabe: EVERYONE.

boykisser: ok i can tell you who i know:

i know lisa because our moms are friends.

i know kaveh because my mom and his dad were friends.

i know rosaria because she is technically my step-sister. and i know kaeya and diluc because my mom was friends with their dad. oh, and kaeya is dating rosaria.

i know navia because our dads were friends.

i know ayato because our dads were friends.

who else?

oh

i met wriothesley when we were 4 and i got lost in fontaine. we dated for 4 years i think?

hmmm.

mafuyu ahh: YOU DATED THE DUKE OF MEROPIDE??????

boykisser: yes? but that was a while ago.

i think 12 years ago was when we first started dating.

atsushi wannabe: u really have a fucking type omfg

mom: literally

tall dark and handsome

minus tall for wriothesley ig

mafuyu ahh: i cant believe it

skibidi toilet enjoyer: can we nerf pantalone please

hes too bad

he gets too much play

he literally gets the best men

like

nerf him

mom: real

mafuyu ahh: AND HE DOES IT UNINTENTIONALLY 

LIKE????

the duke of meropide was so bad bro

when i first went to fontaine i thought i was going to go insane

atsushi wannabe: hes literally not even all that

mom: quiet lesbian

atsushi wannabe: 😒

skibidi toilet enjoyer: chat u dont understand

wriothesley got that ass so fat that the backshots would be heard around teyvat

mafuyu ahh: literally

but we all know pantalone was on the receiving end

mom: LMFAO

wait..

26-12

14

+4

18

boykisser: oh joy! i love math!

mom: from the ages of 14-18

atsushi wannabe: what r u insinuating 

skibidi toilet enjoyer: freakass

mom: pantalone did u and wriothesley have sex

mafuyu ahh: you cant just ask that

mom: IM A CONCERNED MOTHER OKAY???

atsushi wannabe: he literally gets pounded by a dragon and ur worried about the mf duke of meropide 

boykisser: we did have sex a few times, why? i don’t think its a big problem.

like arle said, i think you’re worrying about the wrong man.

mom: omfg..

HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE?????

mafuyu ahh: i think we all have..

mom: HUH?????

u best be joking

im finna beat ALL ur fucking asses

boykisser: :(

but it was true love at the time!

mom: NO BUTS NO NUTS NO COCONUTS.

mafuyu ahh: …

im literally like 300 years old

skibidi toilet enjoyer: and im like 250

mom: UR STILL MY BABIES

no sex in the palace

i WILL know.

mafuyu ahh: ok im going to sumeru

bye!

mom: wait no come back

skibidi toilet enjoyer: im going to sumeru too

mom: what why

boykisser: me and arle are going to fontaine!

atsushi wannabe: damn straight 

mom: :(

u guys r going to make me cry

im going to go get praise from the others

the skibidi harbingers

2:56pm

[ 9 people are online! ]

The Tsaritsa: U GUYS WONT LEAVE ME TOO RIGHT????

Signora: ????

what r u waffling abt

Arlecchino: shes buggin idk

The Tsaritsa: U ALL SAID U WERE GOING TO DIFFERENT COUNTRIES WITHOUT ME

Scaramouche: bitch u will literally melt if u leave sneznhaya

Dottore: wyd rn

cuz im archin my bacl HARD

Scaramouche: it was a mistake joining this chat

Columbina: i think ttores prepping for something

Dottore: yea for someone to slip it in my tight little asshole

The Tsaritsa: oh

[ Dottore has been muted for 2 hours! ]

Columbina: THANK U FUNALLY

HES BEEN TALKING ABT WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SLIP THE TIP IN FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS.

Scaramouche: up and horny for no reason

Childe: hes always like that

[ Dottore 2 is now online! ]

Dottore 2: @signora u lay eggs or nah

Signora: oh

The Tsaritsa: oh

we tweaking today huh

Columbina: DOT PLEASE

PLEASE IM BEGGING U

Dottore 2: @pantalone cap laid his eggs in u yet or nah

Pantalone: :(

i don't want to have the ability to read anymore.

Arlecchino: ho is u coo?

Dottore 2: @columbina lay ur eggs in her

Columbina: OMFG WHO PUT HIM ON EGGPREG BRUH

Sandrone: not me

check mouches fanfic history tho

Scaramouche: I AM NOT INTO FUCJING EGGPREG BRO

Childe: …

r u sure

Columbina: oh boy childe has something to share with the class!

Scaramouche: on everyones souls if he says he saw me read an eggpreg fic im airing out the palace

Pantalone: i’ve already told you, it's too cold to air out the palace.

Columbina: oh

yea well go with that

Childe: MOUCHE WE LITERALLY POPCORN READ A FIC OF UR CHOOSING AND IT WAS EGGPREG

Scaramouche: IT WAS FOR THE BIT PLEASE

Columbina: anything for the bit

Sandrone: commit to the bit chat

ok but was it funny

Childe: he didnt let me read the tags i was terrified

i didnt know what i was getting into

The Tsaritsa: mouche u a freak bro

Scaramouche: PLEASE IT WAS FOR THE BIT

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME

Dottore 2: loud false buzzer

Scaramouche: ill just kms its fine.

Arlecchino: WOOP WOOP

Columbina: no hesitation

Signora: shes too real for that

i want this pjsk ripoff GONE.

Childe: noooo scara please dont kys ur too sexy

Scaramouche: ok im definitely killing myself now

Capitano: FUCKING FINALLY GOOD GOD

ok back to lurking

Pantalone: no wait

:(

Signora: hes gone

Arlecchino: 🤣

serves him right hes a hoe

Dottore 2: @scaramouche what fics u read

Sandrone: omg

im hacking his account rn

Scaramouche: WHAT OLEASE DONT

PLEAZE

PLEASE

Sandrone: …

mouche this is bad

Scaramouche: I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK

Columbina: omfg scara what r u reading that has sandrone out of all people stunned

Sandrone: 56 eggpreg fics saved.

Childe: WHAT

Sandrone: this is insanity

its more than a bit atp

its a lifestyle

Columbina: FIFTY SIX????

Scaramouche: 😞

if it makes it better i read them with sethos

Signora: YALL FREAKY AS FUCK HELLO????

Sandrone: mandatory group eggpreg fic reading at 3pm

Scaramouche: ok whos in

cuz i am

Columbina: me

i am

Arlecchino: oh

Columbina: if u keep this up ur going to be the star of the next eggpreg fic.

Arlecchino: ???????

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????

Columbina: 😈

Sandrone: shes going to get u prEGGnant!

get it

get it

get it

because ur going to have her eggs

geg it

get ut

Signora: SHUT THE FUCK UP

im in for the group reading btw

i think pantalone should come too

Pantalone: ?

why?

Signora: so u know what ur getting into when cap decides to impregnate u

Pantalone: ???????

Capitano: ok im beating ur ass later

Columbina: whos ass this is crucial

Sandrone: mine 😈

Scaramouche: you need to be killed

Dottore 2: im joining the eggpreg fic reading

Capitano: omfg

i hate this gc

Columbina: BACK IN MY HOUSE IVE GOT A CALIFORNIA KING

OKAY

MAYBE ITS A TWIN BED

WITH SOME ROOMMATES

DONT WORRY WERE COOL

I HEARD U LIKED MAGIC

I GOTTA WAND AND A RABBIT

SO BABY LETS GET FREAKY AND KINKY LETS MAKE THIS BED GET SQUEAKY!!!

Arlecchino: u literally do have a california king

Columbina: come here bae

come sit next to me

come and take ur draws off

DAMN U ON THE EDGE OF THE BED

U BOUTTA FALL OFF

Arlecchino: 😞

Scaramouche: psssst

i think she wants to have sex

Arlecchino: omg noo what makes u say that

good GOD go read ur fucking eggpreg fics

Scaramouche: 😞

i thought this was a no judgement zone

Sandrone: HAH no

The Tsaritsa: u KNOW its bad when sandy is judging u

Scaramouche: why am i being crucified its for the bit

Sandrone: THIS SHIT IS NOT FOR A BIT ANYMORE

Childe: u committed too hard

Scaramouche: 😞

Pantalone: why do you want to have eggs in you? you're not even dating a man that can produce eggs?

Scaramouche: ITS FOR THE BIT

Signora: ts is not a bit anymore

Dottore 2: dont u produce eggs

Signora: omfg

all females produce eggs ur a fucking doctor i think u should know this

Dottore 2: no i mean like dragon eggs

Signora: MOTHERFUCKER I CARRIED A BABY FOR NINE AND A HALF MONTHS DO U FUCKING THINK I PRODUCE DRAGON EGGS?????

Scaramouche: i wish sethos was a dragon 😞

Sandrone: u r down fucking bad bro

Columbina: i dont think its a bit anymore

Scaramouche: please im too committed

ahem

i scaramouche, sixth of the fatui harbingers, do not enjoy oviposition or eggpreg fanfictions

Dottore 2: loud false buzzer

Signora: eggpreg is real

Columbina: dont get him too excited now

Scaramouche: im going to ignore those last three messages.

Sandrone: wait

r we still on for the eggpreg fanfic reading at 3pm

Signora: fuck yea

Columbina: HELL YEA BROTHAAAAA

Scaramouche: yes

Childe: YESSSSSSS

Signora: im kidnapping pantalone rn

Capitano: go ahead

Signora: i will

Capitano: no seriously go ahead

thats ur battle now

Signora: ?

Capitano: 😈

Pantalone: HELP ME SHE IS AT MY DOOR

HELP

[ Pantalone is now offline! ]

Signora: threw him over my shoulder and now hes kicking and screaming like a toddler

Dottore 2: i need more weed

a perc perhaps

Capitano: i have weed

Columbina: yall not coming to the mandatory eggpreg fanfic reading

Capitano: no

id rather get high with dottore

Dottore 2: a broly boost and a rhinopill too

and a honeypack

Capitano: mf

this aint no 2 man

Dottore 2: says who

Scaramouche: quiet heathens we are popcorn reading eggpreg fanfics

Capitano: dot come to my chambers

Dottore 2: kay

[ Capitano & Dottore 2 are now offline! ]

Arlecchino: 😒

i hate men

The Tsaritsa: real

do u wanna have tea with me

Arlecchino: yea 

please

The Tsaritsa: 😇

Chapter Text

the skibidi harbingers

4:12 am

[ 3 people are online! ]

Sandrone: fit to lowkey go munting with a BAWHP!!!

thrifted nutty ahh draws

Columbina: IF U SAY FIT TO GO MUNTING WITH A BOP ONE MORE FUCKING TIME IMMA KILL U

Sandrone: damn who shit on ur clit 😒

Scaramouche: who what on her what??????

Columbina: i hope the gravedigger gets ur ass sandy.

Sandrone: jokes on u i dont have one

Scaramouche: what did ttore take that from you too

Sandrone: 🙁

u dont have an ass either

fuck that neither does bina

Columbina: PINCHE PENDEJA WHAT DID U JUST SAY?????

Scaramouche: she said you have no ass

Sandrone: and what about it

Columbina: im going to hang ur dead emptied carcass on top of zapolyarny palace.

Sandrone: aha

not before u become a puppet

Scaramouche: ladies ladies 

Columbina: QUIET GAYBOY AINT NOBODY GAF.

Scaramouche: 😕

sandrone are you really gonna let her speak to me like that

Sandrone: yea

idgaf

go kill urself or something

Columbina: arch ur back some more mouche im tryna see sumn

Scaramouche: HELP??????

 WHY ARE YOU SO FREAKY PAST 6PM????

Columbina: 😒

the gf is in fontaine i have to do what i have to

Sandrone: real

that one gif of sonic licking his lips and rubbing his hands is how i feel when i see some twink ass

Columbina: retweet

Scaramouche: glad my ass can bring people together despite differences 

Columbina: sending him to a CUNTry with a civil war

get it

Sandrone: get it

CUNTry

Scaramouche: omfg

glad youre not trying to kill eachother anymore

Sandrone: fit to lowkey go give my partner an alabama hot pocket!!!

thrifted nutty draws

Columbina: wtf is an alabama hot pocket

Sandrone: look it up

and then hit pictures

Columbina: …

WHY THE FUCJ DO U KNOW WHAT THAG IS????

Scaramouche: sandy you NEED your internet privileges taken

Columbina: IVE BEEN SAYING THAT BRUH AINT NOBODY LISTENS TO ME

Sandrone: me when hawk gyat tuah be kidding me

talk tuah podcast

don pollo

Scaramouche: what are you saying

Columbina: shes stimming

Sandrone: i am not.

Columbina: what do u call it then

Sandrone: blabbering

Scaramouche: speaking of blabbering

why the fuck are we up

Columbina: monster high binge watch remember

Sandrone: I FUCKING LOVE ROBECCA STEAM

Columbina: WE KNOW NOW QUIET

Sandrone: 😞

shes literally me

Columbina: my fav is draculaura

Scaramouche: ofc she is.

Columbina: WHATS THAG SUPPOSED TO MEAN???

Scaramouche: fork in the kitchen

Columbina: YEA WELL WHOS UR FAV

Scaramouche: spectra

Columbina: damn shes good too

im sorry im basic 😞

Scaramouche: good.

Columbina: bitch

i take it back

i dont like spectra anymore just because u like her.

Sandrone: this is like that one pic of the baby wolf like cowering while its parents fight

thats how i feel rn

Scaramouche: how do you think of this shit

Sandrone: it pays to be on the inside

Columbina: what the actual fuck does that mean

Sandrone: u know what it means…

[ Capitano is now online! ]

Capitano: why the fuck r u guys up

Scaramouche: monster high binge

what about you

Columbina: yeaaaa

what abt u

Capitano: i miss my boyfriend 😕

Sandrone: average cap L

Capitano: u r literally dating dottore i dont wanna hear shit from u

Columbina: i miss my gf too cap 😞

but shes probably cuddling with the hearth kids rn

Capitano: lones probably drunk

Sandrone: do u have no faith in him

Scaramouche: i mean hes made it 26 years

Capitano: yall know how he gets with his friends

and apparently most of them r in fontaine atm 😒

Columbina: omfg dont even try to hide ur jealousy gd.

Capitano: im not jealous its just a fact

Scaramouche: hes 26

hes supposed to be at the club not a harbinger

Columbina: retweet hard

Sandrone: mister imma lay mh dragon eggs in my bf capitano 

Capitano: what yhe fucj did u just type

Sandrone: u have eyes

wait

how do u eggpreg pantalone 

do u have 2 penis?

peni?

is that plural for penis

Scaramouche: eggpreg or mpreg

Capitano: omfg

whag is it with u all and wanting him to be pregnant

Columbina: ok u cant lie hed be fine as hell pregnant

Sandrone: and big as hell too if its ur kid

Capitano: FUCJS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???

Scaramouche: babies from natlan are naturally bigger than other babies

also

youre literally a fucking dragon

Capitano: and

Sandrone: is he oregnant rn

Capitano: no

Scaramouche: ok but would it be eggpreg

Capitano: im not answering that

Columbina: so yes

Capitano: omfg

can we ban pregnancy related topics

please

Sandrone: wait..

cap r u pregnant

Capitano: NO???

Columbina: wait

r u both pregnant

Capitano: FOR THE LAST TIME NEITHER OF US IS PREGNANT

Scaramouche: ok but if one of you were who would it be

Capitano: pantalone 

Sandrone: ZERO HESITATION IS INSANE

Columbina: ok so when will he be pregnant

Capitano: when we mutually decide we want kids

Scaramouche: wait so do u lay eggs

Capitano: IM NOT EXPLAINING DRAGON ANATOMY AT 4 IN GHE FUCKING MORNING.

Columbina: i can

Sandrone: i can also

Capitano: u literally asked if i had 2 dicks

Sandrone: when

Capitano: like 2 mins ago

Sandrone: did i ask

Capitano: ok

Scaramouche: wtf was that

[ Dottore is now online! ]

Dottore: WHY THE FUCK IS CAP IN MY ROOM

Sandrone: 😕

Capitano: im killing the segments

Columbina: IT WAS ONE JOKE

d1 crashout goodness gracious 

Dottore: WHY ME BRUH I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING YET

Capitano: ur partner did the when did i ask joke who do u think she learned it from

Dottore: 😕

cmon man..

lock in

Capitano: im locking in

on killing ur segments

Sandrone: good i dont like them anyways

ok maybe like 1 but the rest can go

Scaramouche: which one

Sandrone: the little segment

hes too cute but even more evil

Columbina: ik which one u mean

Dottore: WHY ISBTHAT ONE EVERYONES FAV???

so what hes cute hes literally king vons reincarnate

Capitano: king vons reincarnate is actually insane

this was YOU when YOU were 6 ttore

Dottore: i was a fucking fiend bro idfk how my parents put up with me

Scaramouche: and this fuckers smart as hell

like why is a 6 year old helping pulcinella run a fucking city hello?????

Dottore: LITERALLY

Columbina: brochacho that is literally u

Dottore: dont brochacho me brochacha

Columbina: dont brochacha me brochacho

Capitano: on everyones fucking soul if one of u says brochacho or brochacha this palace is gonna become jjk shibuya post sukuna rampage.

Sandrone: guys who am i from jjk

Capitano: momo

Sandrone: who tf is thay

Dottore: THAT LITTLE WITCH GIRL WITH THE BROOM????

NO FUCJING WAYYY

Columbina: 😞

put some respect on her name

Sandrone: 😕

cmon man..

Capitano: am i wrong

Scaramouche: no

who am i from jjk cap

Capitano: megumi

Scaramouche: 😄

Capitano: u aint lemme finish

u first of all got a fuckass haircut like megumi

secondly ur both suicidal

and last but not least ur both queer as fuck

Scaramouche: 🙁

and who are you from jjk cap

Capitano: idfk

Dottore: idk but the way nanami got me drooling the same way as cap does he migjt as well be nanami

Capitano: WHAT?????

Columbina: retweet

me and arle r like shoko and utahime :3

Sandrone: 😞

why cant i be someone cool

Capitano: ur lame as hell

Sandrone: im not

yk who u remind me of cap

Capitano: who do i remind u of sandrone

Sandrone: that one drive thru guy thats like “why yall put cheese on my cheeseburger”

yea thats u alright

Columbina: LMFAO

GIRL U BOUTTA DIE OMFG RUN

Sandrone: i can hear his thunderous steps

maybe if i can place a donut in the other direction he will get distracted

OH SHIT

delete my internet history if i die

[ Sandrone is now offline! ]

Columbina: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

another baddie lost 💔

ill deleter her history 😞

Dottore: @capitano can u not kill my lover

please

i need her for things

Capitano: shes not dead

just hanging upside down

Scaramouche: why are you crashing out its literally 4 in the morning

Capitano: she called me fat

Dottore: u r

but i like my men thick 😈

Capitano: 🙁

i miss pantalone

im going to kidnap him and bring him back to me

Columbina: retweet

but dont do that

hes in the club

Capitano: i know

but hes so bad

so fine

on EVERYONES soul if he doesnt come back in a week ill go get him myself

Scaramouche: youre going to single handedly start a war between fontaine and sneznhaya

Capitano: anything to get bae back

Columbina: they cant take us both

im going with

Dottore: do u think he and arle r in the club

Scaramouche: yes

Capitano: BRING HIM BACKKKKKK

i miss my man

Columbina: and i miss when u werent online

Capitano: damn bitch

hope ur luscious locs fall out

Columbina: UR ONE TO TALK.

Dottore: no but why everyone got beautiful hair in the harbingers

(not childe)

Scaramouche: maybe if he dyed it

Columbina: LEAVE MY BABY ALONE.

HE CANY CONTROL IT.

Scaramouche: lets hope if he and baizhu ever do mpreg that baby gets baizhus hair

Capitano: PRAYERS TO BAIZHU

Dottore: PRAYING FOR PREGNANCY

Capitano: that is NOT what im praying for.

Dottore: 😒

so everyones a fuckin critic now huh

Columbina: wait

baizhu pantalone moreg same time?

twin cousins

Capitano: WHAT YHE FUCK R U TALKING ABOUT????

[ Childe is now online! ]

Childe: whht

why r u guys up

why r we talking abt mpreg at 4 am

why r we talking about my bf bejng pregnant

Capitano: do u normally have this many questions when u first wake up

Childe: do u normally go on segment killing sprees at 4 am

do u normally hang sandrone from her feet at 4am

Capitano: tf????

Columbina: oooo he clocked u i fear

Scaramouche: clocked by childe of all people is insane

Dottore: 😕

gm ginger

Childe: gm

stop talking abt me and bais future kid being ginger

its not that bad

i mean look at teucer

hes happy

Scaramouche: he is full of anger

Columbina: hes destroyed countries

Capitano: ur brother is a war criminal

Dottore: that THING ate one of my segments

Childe: HES 7????

Columbina: no hes evil

hes evil and full of hatred and anger

Childe: 🙁

he just likes to play and draw

why r u grown adults being mean to him

Capitano: because

hes evil

Childe: so is giovanni

Capitano: giovanni is one step down from teucer

the second he learns to read hes going to be public enemy number 1

Scaramouche: real

if you and lone ever have a baby that thing is going to be our certain doom

Columbina: did u know theres a very small possibility that the baby will be ginger

Scaramouche: WHAT????

Capitano: 😒

my brother is ginger

Dottore: HAHHAHAHAHAHA U LOSER

Childe: PLEASE ginger baby

PLEASE

Capitano: my baby would be cuter and less evil than teucer

Childe: HES NOT EVIL

yk who lowkey is tho

qiqi

Capitano: real

shes nerfed because of her memory

Dottore: SHES NERFED😭

thats insane

Columbina: but qiqis the cutest pie ive ever seen

she could never

Childe: shes evil

her and changsheng together have me tweaking

Scaramouche: THAT FUCKASS SNAKE BRO

i hate her

Capitano: real

Dottore: yo tiddies out rn?

Capitano: kys

go save sandrone

finna lower her into lava

Columbina: ok bowser 😭

Childe: he lowkey looks like bowser

Capitano: WHAT

BOWSERS A TURTLE

Childe: so r u

fat slow and armored

Capitano: WHY IS CHILDE OF ALL PEOPLE MAKING FUN OF ME

🙁

i miss my bf

hed protect me

Columbina: LMFAO

no the FUCK he would not

Dottore: lone dgaf

trust me

Capitano: ok but at least hes a good boyfriend

just not on the internet

i send him shit and then he shows me the video and says why did i send him that

Dottore: hes autistic

Columbina: so r u

Dottore: 😕

im not

Childe: mhm

ok

im going back to bed

night

[ Childe is now offline! ]

Scaramouche: when did he get so sassy????

Columbina: WHO LEVELED HIS DAMN SKILL TREE

Dottore: bro unlocked charisma

Columbina: cap got clocked by childe 5 times

AND has the potential to have a ginger baby

[ Sandrone is now online! ]

Sandrone: AND rodwave is still dropping

oh thanks for lowering me dot

Dottore: no problem my snuggle gumble snicker pookie bear 😙

Capitano: GO HOME.

Chapter Text

the skibidi harbingers

5:03pm

[ 6 people are online! ]

Signora: EHHHHHHH WRONG ANSWER FOREHEAD

Childe: U DID NOT JUST CALL ME FOREHEAD

Signora: i did

and what abt it

am i wrong?

no

i couldve been talking to ttore too

Dottore: 😕

my forehead isnt thag big

Signora: look at the mirror and then tell that to my face.

Columbina: LMFAO GO HOMEEEEE

Signora: couldve been u too

what those bangs hiding?

that bigass forehead!

Columbina: my third eye

Childe: ok combustion man

Columbina: 😞

clocked by CHILDE of all people.

yall need to step up

do better

Arlecchino: i love u and ur third eye

Columbina: i want ur pussy so bad

Childe: 🙁

Signora: this is how the hearth kids r made

Dottore: can confirm 

Arlecchino: no u cant

Dottore: everytime u bring a new kid in its 9 months after u and bina have had sex

Arlecchino: how the FUCK did u manage to find that out

Columbina: sigh

i guess the secrets out

i am the father of all of the hearth kids

Arlecchino: no ur not

mf i am literally the father

Columbina: DONT MF ME

BAD GIRL

BAD BAF GIRL

Arlecchino: 😕

Dottore: U CANT HAVE CROCODILE WITHOUT MS ALL SUNDAYYYYYYYYYYY

Columbina: me n cap r like robin n crocodile frfr

Capitano: no the FUCK we r not

Dottore: hate to break it to u

but shes right

Signora: crocomom when

Columbina: retweet

Capitano: 😕

Signora: dont frown me bitch

Capitano: ill do what i want hoe

Signora: im going to cut ur dreads while ur asleep.

keep it up

Capitano: 😕

cmon man..

Dottore: LOCK IN CAP

LOCK IN CHILDE

we need to hop on r6 siege IMMEDIATELY 

Capitano: no the FUCK we do not

Dottore: PLEASE CAP

Childe: thats like the worst idea uve ever had

like ever

Arlecchino: r6 sucks ass when ur teammates r troglodytes (sandrone and dottore)

Columbina: LMFAO

thats why imma stick to roblox and minecraft

Dottore: pussy behavior 

Columbina: ur mad cuz im full of whimsy and joy

Dottore: no

im mad cuz u sold the fortnite game last night

Columbina: I DID NOT FUCKING SELL THE GAME THAT WAS SANDRONE.

Arlecchino: dont accuse my gf of heinous activities

when i get back from fontaine imma beat ur ass

Dottore: slip the tip right on in!

Capitano: 😕

cmon man lock in

Arlecchino: pantalone said hes going to kick neuvillette in his dragon asshole

Capitano: sounds like him

Signora: not an OUNCE of concern.

Capitano: that dragons too soft

Columbina: why is he going to kick neuvillette

Arlecchino: 2 reasons

1 apparently he and wriothesley have a curfew 

and 2 hes not getting his permit for the northland bank

Childe: WHAT WHY

BRO PLEASE I NEED MONEY

Arlecchino: idk

ask him urself

Childe: @PANTALONE

GET ONLINE

PLEASE

@PANTALONE

PLEASE

[ Pantalone is now online! ]

Pantalone: what heathen.

i’m plotting a murder.

Childe: WHY CANT U OPEN THE NORTHLAND BANK

Pantalone: oh

because the hydro archon won’t take my audience if arlecchino is there.

Capitano: and y u have a curfew

Pantalone: because that old fogey is afraid that i will burn fontaine to the ground!

Columbina: ohhhh i remember why u have a curfew now!

one time when lone was like 15 

when crucabena was alive

he somehow snuck into meropide AND he and wriothelsey snuck out of meropide

and then they almost got eaten by a sea monster!

Capitano: ?????

IS THIS TRUE????

Pantalone: what?

i’m not allowed to have fun anymore?

Capitano: BABY U BROKE INTO A PRISON.

Pantalone: to be fair i tricked the guards by acting like the grandchild of a dying prisoner.

and it wasn’t even my idea to sneak out, it was wriothesleys.

Capitano: 😕

Childe: wriothesley is so bad bro

Dottore: TELL ME ABT IT.

Arlecchino: i remember crucabena talking about that

she was mad that she had to go to meropide and have a meeting with the former duke and neuvillette

Pantalone: i still can't believe that neuvillette was the one that saved us. 

i mean i almost killed that sea monster thing, i didn't need any help.

Capitano: why were u off a perc when u were under 18

Pantalone: i was not.

Capitano: U LITERALLY HAVE A CURFEW IN FONTAINE.

AND U BROKE INTO THE FUCKING FORTRESS OF MEROPIDE AT 15.

dios mio.

Signora: better pray that ur kids dont end up with rebellious pantalone behavior

Pantalone: it wasn't rebellious. like i said before, it was just fun.

Dottore: ur definition of fun back then was breaking in and out of a prison and almost getting eaten by a sea monster????

Pantalone: oh, for the last time, we didn't almost get eaten by a sea monster! i would've killed it eventually.

Arlecchino: ur definitely something else

Columbina: gay?

Arlecchino: is this the average mlm relationship?

Capitano: basically

Pantalone: how do i petition a curfew?

Arlecchino: if neuvillette was the one that put it in place u basically cant

Pantalone: :(

but that’s no fair!

Capitano: what exactly is ur curfew

Pantalone: i can't be out after sunset without another harbinger. 

and arlecchino won't go out with me!

Arlecchino: i dont like going to fancy dinners u know that

Pantalone: but i do!

Signora: LMFAO

U CANT GO OUT AFTER 7???

Childe: 😕

man that sucks butt

Pantalone: tell me about it!

i have to hang out with the hearth kids now.

Arlecchino: theres nothing wrong with that

Pantalone: i could be watching an opera! or having dinner with my friends!

Columbina: or be at the club!

Pantalone: or be at the club!

Capitano: no clubbing

lowkey im kinda happy u have a curfew

Pantalone: what?

why?

Capitano: i mean at least ik ur not going to do anything world changing after sunset

Signora: HES TRYING TO SAY AT LEAST HE KNOWS UR SAFE AFTER SUNSET.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS JUST KISS ALREADY.

Arlecchino: real

Capitano: who knows maybe ill show up and we can go out after sunset

Pantalone: REALLY?!

Childe: oh hes excited

Arlecchino: why is lynnette lowkey beating lyneys ass rn

Pantalone: this happens like twice a day.

i like lynnette.

Arlecchino: shes literally the girl version of u

Pantalone: no!

Arlecchino: ok

[ Arlecchino has added Lynnette to the chat! ]

Lynnette: ?

what the fuck?

Columbina: MY FAVORITE DAUGHTER!!!!!!

Lynnette: ????????????????

what?

Signora: LMFAO

BINA IR SCARING HER

Arlecchino: hi lynnette

Lynnette: hello father.

what is this?

Dottore: ur mom

Childe: wouldnt it be ur dad

Dottore: kys ginger 

Lynnette: ?

Arlecchino: group chat

Lynnette: oh

 why am i here?

Capitano: omfg they text the same way.

Pantalone: we do not.

she copied me then.

Columbina: why u beefing with a 19 yr old 😕

Signora: literally

Arlecchino: he literally beefs with the hearth tots

Pantalone: i do not.

Arlecchino: u literally do

Pantalone: you're lying.

Capitano: 😕

why do i believe arle

Pantalone: just say you hate me.

Dottore: omfg so dramatic

Lynnette: wait father

isn’t that the ugly blue haired guy you said looks like an ostrich fetus?

Arlecchino: oh

Dottore: SHE SAID WHAT?????

Childe: i mean

i see it

Arlecchino: see im not wrong

Dottore: IMMA KICK UR ASS

Columbina: r u?

Dottore: no maam

Capitano: thats insane

u takin binas strap too huh

Dottore: SHES FUCKING SCARY CAP U DONT UNDERATAND.

Capitano: i do

i just dgaf

Columbina: im scared of dragons

Capitano: ik

Lynnette: dragons?

Arlecchino: yes

the captain is a dragon

like monsieur neuvillette

Lynnette: oh cool.

Childe: why is there no shock that neuvillette is a dragon

Lynnette: i mean, look at him.

humans don't tend to have pectoral fins and scales.

Dottore: whys this one sassy

Arlecchino: u wear a dog collar i dont wanna hear u talk.

Dottore: 😞

Pantalone: now that i think about it, you do wear a dog collar. is that a kink?

Capitano: baby u cant ask that

Lynnette: what

mr pantalone are you dating the first harbinger????

Pantalone: oh

maybe?

Capitano: FYM MAYBE

I SHOWED U MY 2 DICKS PLEASE RESPOND

Signora: admitting that in a gc is fucjing crazy

Dottore: U HAVE 2 DICKS????

Childe: U HAVE 2 DICKS??????

this is unfair

[ Sandrone is now online! ]

Sandrone: I TOLD U ALL

U ALL THOUGHT I WAS MAD

CRAZY EVEN

BUT I WAS RIGHT

Columbina: mf

i literally told u this

Capitano: why do u know everything

Columbina: the walls have eyes

Pantalone: please don't say that.

Arlecchino: u boutta send lone into a paranoia

Columbina: ahem

the walls DONT have eyes

100%

Sandrone: @capitano u send dick pics or what

Capitano: NO FUCK OFF

Lynnette: can i go back to beating lyneys ass?

he took the last muffin.

Arlecchino: no

Pantalone: yes

Lynnette: okay.

[ Lynnette is now offline! ]

Childe: PANTALONE U R SO FUCKING GREEDY.

Pantalone: ?

Signora: omfg

Dottore: so u take em both at once or nah @pantalone

Pantalone: what?

Capitano: STAY OUT OF OUR SEX LIFE

Arlecchino: there r some things that u never say in this gc

and its abt ur fucjing anatomy 

WHY THE FUCK WOULD U ADMIT TO HAVING 2 DICKS????

INFRONT OF ONE OF THE HEARTH KIDS TOO???

Capitano: locking in

Signora: u cant lock in the situation ur in is entirely ur fault

Capitano: locking in

Dottore: so

u CAN produce eggs

Capitano: ewugh

dont say that

Pantalone: i’m sneaking out.

he’ll never catch me.

Arlecchino: 😕

Dottore: do u have a rut cap

like do u NEED to lay ur eggs in someone (pantalone)

Sandrone: like do u knot

Capitano: 🙁

can we forget i said that i have 2 dicks

please

Sandrone: no

Dottore: no

Childe: no

how do they both fit in him

Columbina: in who

chat this is crucial

Childe: HOW HAVE I MEVER KNOWN THAT HE HAD 2 DICKS WOULDNT THERE BE A MASSIVE BULGE??

Columbina: oh ik this one

he has like a slit where they go

:3

Capitano: WHY DO U KNOW THIS

Dottore: whos the most breedable here

omg we should all make lists

Sandrone: great idea for team bonding!

Columbina: oooo im in

Childe: me too

Signora: me three

Capitano: 🙁

i dont have a choice do i

Signora: nope

Capitano: i hate being apart of this

Pantalone: i’ve escaped through the window and now i’m on the roof!

i’m going to go bug wriothesley and navia now!

Arlecchino: ok have fun

dont let neuvillette catch u

Pantalone: i won’t!

Capitano: what.

Pantalone: what?

i’m going to go to the club!

Signora: FOCUS ON UR LIST CAP

Capitano: I DONT WANNA FUCJING DO THIS SHIT

Dottore: womp womp

do it now

Columbina: ok im done

Capitano: how tf u finish so fast

Columbina: @arlecchino u like it

Arlecchino: not really 😕

Columbina: 😕

look man

Childe: DONE

that was easy

Sandrone: quiet im working

Columbina: LMFAO

MF U RESEARCHING????

Sandrone: it needs to be accurate

Dottore: ok so

oh

wrong chat

Arlecchino: r u guys fucking discussing this shit.

Dottore: yes

stfu

Childe: this is crazy

Signora: im done

cap u done

Capitano: sadly

Pantalone: i’m down from the roof now.

Capitano: good

Pantalone: maybe i should sneak into neuvillettes office and make my own permit!

Capitano: 😕

how tf have u made it to 26

Pantalone: hey!

that hurts coming from you.

Capitano: baby please

u literally just said u wanted to break into a federal building

Arlecchino: istg if u start a fucking war pantalone imma beat tf outta u

Pantalone: i just want my permit.

it’s not fair that i can't get it just because that stupid archon is afraid of you!

Sandrone: DONE

WHOS READY FOR THE REVEAL

Dottore: OK ON THE COUNT OF 3 EVERYONE SAY THEIR NUMBER 1 MOST BREEDABLE HARBINGER

1

2

3

GO

ok so number 1 on my list is pantalone BECAUSE he is very much human, and humans r perceptable to change which means that he can be bred, hes also a bottom

Columbina: my number 1 is arlecchino BECAUSE while she can be bred she can also breed me so its basically a buy 1 get 1 free typa deal

Sandrone: my numver 1 is pantalone because he is human and hes also being fucked by a dragon im just waiting for the eggpreg mpreg accidental pregnancy

Signora: i think that it would be between childe and pantalone as most breedable because theyre human

Childe: my number 1 is signora because shes already been pregnant

Capitano: pantalone

Arlecchino: why is the general consensus pantalone

Columbina: my number 2 is pantalone if it makes u feel better

Arlecchino: ik u alr showed me

Dottore: cap didnt even give an explanation 

Capitano: yall alr knew who i was finna choose

Signora: u alr bred him huh

pregnancy scare?

Capitano: probably have had more than u

Signora: type shit

Pantalone: i found a melusine!

oh

it’s sigewinne.

i’m fucked.

Arlecchino: START RUNNING NOW

Childe: whats so bad abt sigewinne

also whats a melusine

Arlecchino: sigewinne isnt allowed out at night without neuvillette

Childe: ok whats a melusine

Columbina: a cutie pie little aquatic creature found in fontaine

they can speak and hold jobs in the court of fontaine!

Pantalone: ok i’m in the fleuve cendre.

Capitano: the what fuck is that

Arlecchino: the sewers that r run by the spina di rosula

Pantalone: i found navia!

oh and clorinde.

Dottore: ok

childe why tf u say noras the most breedable

Childe: because shes alr been pregnant?

Dottore: THAT DONT MEAN SHIT

Childe: bro what

how

Sandrone: while signora has been pregnant she is too intimidating to be bred

like id be scared

Signora: thanks dude

Pantalone: :(

neuvillette actually followed me.

Arlecchino: 😕

u didnt run fast enough

Pantalone: he told me he was going to drag me back to the hearth.

Capitano: tell him if he does that imma beat his ass

Pantalone: ok

he said he's not afraid of a war.

Capitano: good

[ Capitano is now offline! ]

Sandrone: what was that crash

Signora: THIS MF WENT DRAGON FORM OUT THE WALL IM CRYING

[ The Tsaritsa is now online! ]

The Tsaritsa: istg if he starts a war between fontaine and snezhnaya because neuvillette touched his bfs arm imma go insane

Childe: do u think pantalone has taken it when caps in dragon form

Arlecchino: 😕

Sandrone: i do

Dottore: i also do

Pantalone: do what?

neuvillette said he was taking me to meropide for the night. :(

Arlecchino: WHAT

omfg

Pantalone: caps here!

how did he get here?

Signora: why r u not as phased as i thought u would be

Pantalone: ?

i’ve seen his dragon form before?

Dottore: have u taken his dragon form

Pantalone: taken his dragon form where?

Childe: 😕

Columbina: ok what did u think was gonna happen

Pantalone: they’re arguing now.

Arlecchino: 😕

the whole court finna be gone

The Tsaritsa: 😞

Columbina: 😞

y r dragons like this

at least noras somewhat calm

Signora: thanks twin

Pantalone: cap called him a pussy.

Arlecchino: ok im coming to pick u up now

Pantalone: ok

Signora: yall got that wavelength 

Columbina: the autism wave length

Dottore: real

SANDRONE COME BACJ HERE

Sandrone: no

Childe: ?

Dottore: SHE TOOK MY VBUCKS CARD

UGHHHH THIS BITCH BRO

GIVE IT BACK

Sandrone: i need it

Dottore: BUY UR OWN

Signora: sandy ill buy u more vbucks

ttores abt ti burn the damn palace down

Sandrone: but i want these

Childe: PLEASE SANDY

hes gone into a rage

Dottore: thats it

im throwing away ur naked gojo figure

Sandrone: WHAT

NO PLEASR

Columbina: her WHAT.

Dottore: her naked gojo figure

thats rigjt

d1 goon

Sandrone: u literally have the geto one i dont wanna hear it

Signora: fuck it guess we both aint shit?????

Childe: no literally

Arlecchino: theyre fighting

The Tsaritsa: FUCK

Arlecchino: whys cap lowkey beating his ass bru

Columbina: LMFAO

AINT NO WAY HE STRONGER THAN THE SOVEREIGN 

The Tsaritsa: ud be surprised.

Arlecchino: and pantalone ran off again

omfg

he needs one of those toddler backpack leashes

Childe: i used to have one 😞

and look at how i turned out

Signora: ginger and critterish

Childe: 😕

cmon man

Chapter Text

gang?

7:23 pm

[ 7 people are online! ]

blonde pyro archon: AAAAHHHCKKK WHAT IS THAT PIC LIS???????

purple alice: LMFAO U DONT LIKE IT???

its klee and razor in the mud

blonde pyro archon: y r they in the mud?

blue sexy bitch: Why do you ask so many questions?

blonde pyro archon: y r u so mean?

whorethesley: why they lookin at me like i put them in the mud @purple alice

purple alice: u did

barbie but pirate: you def did wrio

whorthesley: i didnt

help

HELP

WHY IS NEUVILLETTE FIGHTING SOMEONE

WAIT

WHY TF CAPITANO HERE BRUH????

😞

@monocolor come get ur man

monocolor: i can't.

arlecchino drug me away.

and then i ran away.

i am now near hotel debord.

whorethesley: why r u out to begin with

its past curfew

barbie but pirate: LOL I FORGET YOU BOTH HAVE CURFEWS

whorethesley: 😒

dont remind me

monocolor: i escaped out through the window.

and then i ran into sigewinne.

barbie but pirate: and then you came to the fleuve cendre

and then u ran away when neuvillette came down

monocolor: yes.

and now capitano is currently fighting neuvillette!

rosy bitch: how tf have u made it this far in life

monocolor: i could ask you the same thing.

you spend the majority of your time wandering around in dragonspine, so i don't want criticism from you.

whorethesley: clocked

purple alice: not even

mf was demolished 

barbie but pirate: OMFG LIQIN COME GET YOUR BOYFRIEND BEFORE HE BREAKS THROUGH THE FLEUVE CENDRE CEILING.

monocolor: i can't.

barbie but pirate: WHY????

monocolor: arlecchino found me. :(

whorethesley: 😕

lock in

barbie but pirate: wrio whats the crime for killing a dragon

whorethesley: idfk do i look like a judge to u?

blonde pyro archon: DRAGON?????

barbie but pirate: yea

2 are currently fighting RIGHT ABOVE THE FLEUVE CENDRE.

blonde pyro archon: TWO

LIKE 1 DRAGON AND ANOTHER ONE????

blue sexy bitch: Kaveh.

Can you get any stupider.

blonde pyro archon: LIQIN UR DATING A DRAGON?????

AND U TOO WRIOTHESLEY????

whorethesley: yea thats right

i pulled a dragon 😝

monocolor: oh

maybe?

whorethesley: FYM MAYBE????

monocolor: i don't know if he wants to call it dating.

or if he wants it out in the public.

purple alice: 😕

my poor baby

rosy bitch: mf

dont baby his ass

blue sexy bitch: I’m dating an oni. It can't be that different.

blonde pyro archon: WHAT IS IT WITH U PEOPLE AND DATING MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURES???

purple alice: bros mad he couldnt pull a dragon 💀

i love my blonde HUMAN gf

rosy bitch: do u?

do u rlly?

purple alice: well

blue sexy bitch: That’s kind of insane.

purple alice: LISTEN HERE.

monocolor: i think they’ve stopped fighting.

barbie but pirate: THANK FUCK

ONE MORE HIT AND A CRACK WOULDVE FORMED GODDAMN.

whorethesley: li where r u now

monocolor: being dragged by my arm toward the palais memoria, why?

whorethesley: ur bf is here

monocolor: where is here?

whorethesley: palais memoria

barbie but pirate: FUCK IM COMING TOO

I NEED MORA FOR THE FUCKING DAMAGES DONE

blonde pyro archon: ladies and gents

this is what we call a crash out

rosy bitch: its giving “good evening fellow hoodlums! i am here to buy four grams of fentanyl!”

purple alice: LMFAO ROSARIA

rosy bitch: just saying

if yall see kaveh in sunglasses and a hat and oddly posted up on the subway just say “good evening officer!”

blonde pyro archon: i hate u

i dont look like an undercover cop

please chat

blue sexy bitch: No

You do

It's bad too

Like how did you achieve that?

blonde pyro archon: NOT EVERYONE CAN BE A FUCKING OFFICE SIREN OKAY????

purple alice: ok

tell that to ayato, li, myself, and kaeya

rosy bitch: self proclaimed office siren is insane

kaeya aint no fuckin siren

mf is the bane of my existence 

[ blue situationship is now online! ]

blue situationship: i heard that through the grapevine

rosy bitch: good ill say it louder

YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY FUCKING EXISTENCE 

purple alice: average t4t relationship 

blue situationship: she pegs me when im bad 😒

blonde pyro archon: 😕

just stfu

rosy bitch: dont talk to him like that u whore

monocolor: hi kaeya.

blue situationship: hi li

hows fontaine

monocolor: shitty.

whorethesley: real

GEG ME OUT OF HERE

PLEASE

blonde pyro archon: i imagine that hes ripping his shirt off like a werewolf

purple alice: yo me too

why r we lowkey on the same wavelength

rosy bitch: im lowkey boutta sever that wavelength 

monocolor: damn u bitchy as FYUCK

rosy bitch: ????

HELLO?????

im tellimg ur mom li.

whorethesley: thats the captain

monocolor: hey

blonde pyro archon: 😕

no couples allowed besides rosaria and kaeya

purple alice: hes not in the gc

i swear u get blonder every day

monocolor: lock tf in

blue situationship: i lowkey fw this guy

rosy bitch: he called me a bitch???

blue situationship: and?

tf u want me to do abt that

monocolor: ok

which one is the step sister

rosy bitch: ME MOTHERFUCKER.

monocolor: oh

😇

purple alice: HELP

has li never introduced u 2????m

rosy bitch: no

only thing he told me was that he was dating someone from natlan

NOT THE FIRST FUCKING HARBINGER.

monocolor: u say that like its a bad thing

rosy bitch: it is

uve probably committed atrocities 

monocolor: ?????

mf thats not me

thats probably dottore

blue situationship: LMFAO

rosy just cuz theyre harbingers doesnt mean theyre bad people

i mean look at li

hes chill

rosy bitch: the former regrator was a child predator

the former knave used to sell her kids to the doctor for experimentation

barbie but pirate: but those are both FORMER

as in mfs are dead

monocolor: yea

nobody fwed the old regrator or crucabena for that matter

pinche pendeja

rosy bitch: the FUCK DID U JUST CALL ME????

purple alice: a fucking asshole

monocolor: omg??

he didnt tell me one of his friends spoke natlanian

purple alice: i picked it up in sumeru

because SOMEONES GRAY HAIRED BF wouldnt stop trying to talk to me in natlanian

ahem

@blonde pyro archon

blonde pyro archon: ITS NOT MY FAULT HES AUTISTIC LEAVE ME ALONE

blue situationship: wow

lisa

why tf did klee just appear out of thin air with a note saying shes staying the night at mine

purple alice: im having a date night

klee cant third wheel

blue situationship: what if im also having a date night

whorethesley: we all know ur date nights r by urself and at the bar

blonde pyro archon: oh geez

wrio hes gonna kill himself now