Work Text:
Major Francis Monogram was deep in thought. At least that’s what appeared to be going on. He was staring out the window of his office, brow furrowed. Carl wasn’t sure if he wanted to interrupt whatever was going on and risk Monogram’s wrath, but on the other hand, if there was a problem, it was probably going to be Carl’s job to fix it. Scratch that, it would be Carl’s job to fix it. And the more information he had, the better.
Carl took a deep breath and stepped through the doorway, “Sir? Is something wrong?”
“It’s Agent P,” Monogram said, his gaze not wavering from the parking lot outside.
“Um, what about Agent P? Is he okay? Is Doofenshmirtz up to something?”
“Not precisely, Carl.”
“Sir, maybe I can help. We definitely don’t want some sort of issue with Agent P. I mean, he’s our top agent; he does good work.”
“Yes, of course. In fact, that is exactly what I have been considering.”
“Sir?”
“Carl, have you noticed that Agent P has seemed…less than enthused to come to work lately?”
“Now that you mention it, sir, I guess I have.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Well, sir, there could be several factors at play,” Carl adjusted his glasses as he gathered his thoughts. He didn’t want Monogram to take this the wrong way. “He hasn’t had time off in weeks, we pay him next to nothing, and I could be entirely wrong here, but it’s possible that he doesn’t feel appreciated by you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Monogram scoffed, finally turning to face Carl. “Obviously, Agent P hasn’t been excited to come to work because he’s tired of his lair entrances.”
“Sir, I don’t think-”
“Carl, stop being so negative. What are we not paying you for?”
“Sorry, sir.”
“I should hope so. Now, Agent P needs a new lair entrance. Start working on that, Carl. It needs to be big. It needs to be more than an entrance; it has to be a ride. I’ve got it. I’m thinking singing animatronic animals. Doesn’t that sound like a thrill?”
Carl decided to speak up, “Sir, with the amount of money that would require, we could give Agent P a substantial bonus check. Don’t you think he’d prefer-”
“What do you know, Carl? You’re just an intern. An unpaid one at that. You know nothing about working with the agents.”
Carl bit back an angry response to that. He did almost all the work around the agency! He knew what Agent P would and wouldn’t appreciate, and he was pretty sure the agent couldn’t care less about lair entrances. He was so certain that he decided to take one more chance, whatever the consequences might be.
“Maybe we should investigate both options. We could do something like a focus group? Just to make sure we have a good idea about what Agent P would prefer?” Carl held his breath, hoping he hadn’t overstepped whatever Monogram’s breaking point was today.
“I suppose that wouldn’t be too costly. Especially if you take care of it. But who would you suggest to be a part of this focus group?” Carl breathed out in relief. It felt nice to be listened to. Or at least kind of listened to.
“Well, maybe if we asked other agents whether they’d prefer a new lair entrance or a bonus, we could get a representative sample…”
Monogram waved his hand in the air as if to brush the suggestion away, “We couldn’t do that! The agents are all so different. I mean, what do a platypus and tortoise have in common?”
Was this a trick question? Carl wasn’t sure what response Monogram was expecting.
“Um, they’re both animals, sir.”
Monogram snorted out a laugh, “Agent T is a hundred and twenty years old. Agent P is barely six.”
“Well, ages aside, I really think…”
“No, Carl, I know exactly what we’ll do. We’ll ask other six-year-olds what they think.”
“Like Agent D, sir?”
“No, I’m not going to waste our agents’ time with some silly focus group idea you had. My wife happens to have a six-year-old niece. I’m sure she and her friends could answer your question. It certainly is simple enough.”
Carl pinched the bridge of his nose, “Sir, with all due respect, is that really a good idea? I mean, if you think about maturity, a first grader is hardly on the same level as our most talented agent.”
“No, Carl, my mind is made up. You’re lucky I’m letting you hold this focus group in the first place. I expect you to complete it and use the results to put the winning plan into action.”
“So, just to be clear, you want me to ask a bunch of literal children whether they would prefer singing animals or a piece of paper with numbers on it and use their responses to make a decision that affects Agent P, who is an adult?” Carl tried to keep his voice from dripping sarcasm. He was moderately successful, thanks to years of practice dealing with his superior.
“Exactly. Now, don’t take all day about it. I want this done, Carl.” Monogram turned around, so apparently, this meeting was over.
“Yes, sir.”
Carl walked back into the hallway and sighed. That could have gone better. He might as well start finding animatronic animals now to save time later. Poor Agent P. He did so much for the agency, and this was how Monogram thanked him? Carl had no idea how the Major’s mind worked. Working under him was quite the ride - animatronic animals not required.