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Carl remembers having a conversation with his mom once. Don't ever smoke, okay, baby? and he, like any good son, promised her he would never. He promised as she took puffs from her own cigarette, having just gotten back her regular ass job because she needed to pay the bills while his dad worked his own unpaid job. His family was known for this thing. They were proud unpaid interns, with a track record in loyalty. That's what unpaid work meant to them- above all, they are a family of unwavering loyalists.
Carl supposes that was his first act of proper disloyalty.
He lied to her, even if he didn't know he was lying.
Reflecting on it, he takes a few puffs on the outskirts of the OWCA building.
If Carl tries hard enough, he can pretend that is all on his mind.
The whole...Second Dimension fiasco was far from over. Sure, the fighting and the action and all the cool stuff was done but for Carl? He had a ton of work to do. The whole identity-reveal mess was over, so luckily no reassignment paperwork for him. But his job now was going over evidence extracted from Second Dimensions Doofenshmirtz's place and what Second Dimension OWCA gave them
It's boring. It's paperwork. With a purpose- see what went wrong, what was so different that allowed that Doofenshmirtz to take over- and use it to ensure their Doofenshmirtz will never be able to do such a thing.
Most of it was boring. Doofenshmirtz's still a hoarder there and there's not nearly as much funny stuff as he was hoping for. Whatever.
1:00 A.M. hits and he's at home videos. 3:00 A.M. hits and he's reached "home videos" about Second Dimension Doofenshmirtz's takeover.
Things...change at this milestone. It goes from videos of his family and practicing lines for his dictatorship to...well. Carl doesn't know what to say.
He was expecting propaganda films. He wasn't expecting near-god snuff films. What the fuck is wrong with this guy?
Carl sees a plethora of torturing the OWCA agents. Even Perry. He expected that, once he realized these were films of punishing dissidents. Fortunately, he's got clearance to skip through the videos, just see the basics, then hand it off to someone much, much higher up.
Then, he sees it.
He feels the bile coming up his throat, hopes, hopes he's actually fallen asleep at his desk and entered a nightmare.
He hasn't. And Carl is seeing this Doofenshmirtz dismantling (because what else could you call it?) a very alive, fleshy Perry the Platypus and turning him into what they saw. What they met. Platyborg.
Fuck.
Carl thinks he can smell his own vomit coming up and rushes to the trashcan in the room, throwing up uncontrollably.
The torture is one thing- scars, bruises, cuts, blood. He's seen very similar things just by working in OWCA. But he just saw Perry's fucking spleen.
So, he takes a smoke break. Sue him.
The bar he ran to after his smoke break is lonesome. He's come with some fake I.D. he got when he was 15 that he beyond memorized until it felt like his eyes bled.
Don't think about eyes bleeding. Don't think about the melon scooper. Dear god, don't think about Perry.
"I.D. number?" Carl stared at the bartender.
"Who remembers that?" The bartender had laughed.
"It's a trick question, only someone with a fake would memorize their I.D. number." Well, he's not wrong. "Whatcha need?"
"What's the strongest you got?"
"We got some 151 proofs." Carl sneers. Okay, playing the tough guy is sooo not Carl's thing.
"Definitely not that." He laughs. "Rum and coke?" The bartender smiles and nods.
It's a quick moment in between the request and Carl slamming it down his throat.
...There's not really a burn. He gets rum and coke for a reason. "Got any brandy?" The bartender nods and hands him a class.
He isn't sure where he got brandy from. It's stronger than he's used to. It's Perry's favorite.
Carl grips on the glass and properly downs it. Now that burns.
This is going on OWCA's tab.
Despite common thought, Major Francis Monogram comes in at 5:00 A.M. exactly. He is not a slacker. He's a goddamn army man, he wakes when the sun does, and works until his body begs for reprieve.
He expects the same of his employees. Agents and office workers included.
Interns included.
Francis takes a few breaths, calming himself, as he sees the 17...19...whatever age Carl is...year old throwing up in the trashcan next to his desk.
"What the hell is going on here?" Carl sniffs.
"Majorrr...." He slurs, spittle dripping down his mouth. "Sorry, sorry. I'm just sick. I'll be okay." Francis puts his hand on his hips. Francis is far from a stupid man. And by God, he knows a hangover when he sees one.
"Underage drinking? Really, Carl?" He expects better of the young man.
The other intern, who typically works with Private Eugenia Palindrome of rural Danville, looks up. "Who calls it underage drinking?" Francis narrows his eyes. "Anyways...here's the reports from our division's agents about the...robot invasion?"
"Yes." Francis snatches it from her hands. "Any other comments?"
"Agent C has some special comments they left in their report." Francis nods and looks back at Carl, who is straightening himself up.
He waits for the other intern to leave before berating him and giving him a piece of Monogram's mind. Carl seems to take a breath in, preparing himself for the onslaught.
"What the hell is this behavior? Carl, another intern just saw you hungover throwing up in the trash!"
"She didn't mind. Said it happens to the best of us." Francis raises his hand, ready to slap the boy before Carl speaks up. "You'd be throwing up too, if you saw what I saw."
"Huh-"
"You'd-you'd be drinking too if you saw Perry get gutted like he was a-a-a chicken! Or Thanksgiving turkey!" Carl sniffles. "I'll admit, I-I overdid it last night but it's not the alcohol that's making me throw up. It's seeing someone being fileted!" Francis takes a few moments.
What did the Academy teach him? What did the military teach him? What did all his training teach him?
Gather intel, do not get caught up on your peers emotions. If what they are saying is important, you need to know.
"Carl," He puts a firm hand on Carl's shoulder, "I need you to tell me what you saw. I thought you were skipping through those videos so you wouldn't see anything of that sort."
"It's a bit hard to skip when you're in shock." Carl laughs. "I saw that-that other Doofenshmirtz turning his Perry into Platyborg." Francis nods. Pats him on the shoulder.
"Go home, Carl."
A week later, Perry is called in.
"Ah, Agent P-" Carl looks over Monogram's shoulder and looks at Perry.
He feels something in his chest unfurl and the signature hot saliva hit his gums as he runs to regurgitate his breakfast. He doesn't, luckily, and just scoops water in his hands and drinks. God, he's dehydrated. Maybe everyone was right- these energy drinks aren't enough.
He wanders back in to Monogram sending Perry off. "I had to explain to Agent P why you're sick, you know."
"Okay." Monogram's stare isn't angry. He's not sure what it is. "I'm trying. It's just...God, doesn't it make you a little scared?"
"What?"
"Sending him off to Doofenshmirtz's. What if-what if he does the same thing?" Monogram pauses for a moment and it takes everything in Carl not to scream.
"Did I ever tell you what Doofenshmirtz and I talked about before the Amnesia-nator?" Carl shakes his head. "Now, keep in mind, I didn't start the conversation. He- as per usual- started blabbering. You wanna know what he was blabbering about? How awful the other Doofenshmirtz was. How slimey he was. How he couldn't imagine ruling over a Danville where he had to force Agent P by his side. When he took over this Tristate area, he'd give Agent P a pool to swim around in. He is semi-aquatic, after all." Carl blinks.
"He's evil, make no mistake, but our Heinz wouldn't hurt Agent P like that. Not if his life counted on it." Monogram grins. "That is his biggest flaw, he's soft. For his daughter, and his nemesis."
Don't ever smoke, okay, baby?
Carl takes a few puffs of his cigareete.
"Hey, man, you okay?" He looks to his side. Monty.
Carl blinks. "Sure." He smiles. "Hey, Monty? Don't ever smoke. It's not worth it."
Monty glares. "Can you just let me get a few puffs in before my dad catches me again?"
fin.