Chapter Text
January is when it ends.
A week into the new year he opens the cupboard in the early morning light, shivering a little in his faded Karasuno sweatshirt with Daichi’s words from the party lingering in his mind. They’ve been in his head, floating around in the murky corners, ever since then. Waking or sleeping they hover around him like flitting fluttery little gnats buzzing at him.
You should be happy. You deserve to be happy.
Koushi frowns. Of course he does. Everyone deserves to be happy. So why the hell is he so damn fixated on those words? It’s not like they’re profound words of wisdom that he should get cross-stitched on a pillow or anything.
He reaches for a mug as he heats up water for some tea and freezes with his hand hovering between two choices: the large blue one with white stripes along the rim he bought at the cafe he and Asahi went to over the summer and one of the off-white ones Daichi left behind.
With whoever you choose to be happy with.
His hand starts to shake as he remembers all those days he spent curled up and alone. All the times over the last year he felt like he was the missing piece to a matched set that no one wanted. All the tears and broken sobs and raspy throats he got because he just couldn’t get past it.
All the time he spent without his best friend, or any of his friends, because he couldn’t move forward.
And now…
Koushi is done with it. It’s over.
He never needed Daichi’s permission to move on with his life and be happy. But something about the words and the fond tone of his voice and the way he had given Koushi that soft smile makes him feel like whatever happens will be okay.
His fingers curl around smooth ceramic and he takes a moment to remember when they got the off-white mugs. He and Daichi had been so happy, finally able to move in together and pick out dishes and mugs and glasses and pots and pans of their very own. They had spent the day unpacking and washing their new stuff, laughing and nudging each other out of the way with their hips. He smiles when he remembers Daichi pouting when Koushi splashed soapy water at him.
Then Koushi swipes his fingers forward and watches as the mug falls out of the cupboard, hits the edge of the counter, and shatters on the floor. Off-white chunks flying in all directions as he stares down. His eyes drift across the mess on the floor and back up to the other mug; no longer a part of a matched set and sitting there amongst his other colorful mugs.
He’s not part of a set, hasn’t been for a year. He’s not the off-white reminder of what he and Daichi had anymore either. He’s blue sky days at the cafe with Asahi, polka dotted starry nights at the bar with Noya, dark purple evening thunderclouds on the couch with Ryuu, pastel early morning shopping trips with Chikara. He’s a rainbow of colors and experiences that make up who he is now.
He pulls the second off-white mug from the cupboard and rolls it in his hands. The ceramic is smooth and cool under his fingers and he remembers a year ago watching Daichi pulling one of these mugs out and setting it on the counter and having that little whisper in the back of his mind that something wasn’t quite right between them.
It’s kind of selfish of me but that’s my birthday wish and New Year’s wish this year.
Koushi calmly smashes the other mug on the floor.
No one rushes in to check on him. No worried voice calls out from the other room to ask if he’s alright.
For you to be happy and to be able to move on.
He is, though. He’s alright.
Koushi cuts his fingers a few times cleaning up the ceramic and naturally Asahi fusses over him when he sees him later that day.
“It’s really nothing,” Koushi says with a smile as Asahi grabs his wrists and inspects the bandages on them. “Some old mugs of mine got broken and I had to clean up the mess.” Asahi’s fingers tighten on his wrist for a moment and Koushi can feel his pulse rabbiting. He can feel Asahi’s eyes on him so he looks up and meets Asahi’s gaze with a smile. He knows that Asahi knows what mugs he has and what he considers his “old mugs” and some of the memories and meanings behind them. “I’m okay,” he assures Asahi. “Really.”
After a minute Asahi sighs and smiles at him, thumb rubbing against Koushi’s wrist. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
Daichi’s teasing See something you like pops into Koushi’s head as Asahi drops his wrist and turns to head inside the restaurant where they were meeting Kiyoko for her belated birthday dinner. He sticks his head back outside with a concerned frown when Koushi doesn’t immediately follow.
Koushi does not entirely understand the reason his face flushes when he spots the frown.
Or maybe he does and he’s just not ready for that yet.
February is when he wakes up alone.
After a year of waking up alone save for a handful of fuzzy mornings with Ryuu and Noya and occasionally Asahi, Koushi is used to it. He’s used to the cool spread of sheets beside him and the emptiness of his bed. Used to one toothbrush on his sink and one kind of shampoo on the edge of the tub. Used to his favorite foods in the cupboards and his sweatshirts tossed on the couch.
He still has moments, pangs of sadness that slip over him when he doesn’t quite expect it, but he can hear Daichi’s favorite song on the radio without wanting to break down and cry and he can come across Daichi’s preferred brand of soup without his hands shaking.
“First loves aren’t easy to get over,” Asahi says, stretching out on Koushi’s couch, “believe me I understand that.”
Even though he’s used to it and he’s in such a better place compared to a year ago Koushi’s glad he’s not alone right now. It’s hard to see all the Valentine’s Day stuff up, see all the couples laughing softly with their hands tangled together as they stroll along the red and pink storefronts and not feel a little bitter about it.
“Thanks for this, Asahi.” Koushi gives him a smile and tries to say how thankful he is it. How glad he is to have not just a friend here with him but one who knows what he’s going through, who has experience with this kind of break up and getting on with life sort of thing. He’s pretty sure that if he tried to express it in words they would clog his throat and choke him.
“Of course.” Asahi shrugs as best as he can against the couch cushions. “I don’t really make plans for today anymore anyway. Plus it’s much more enjoyable to be here with you than the alternative.”
“What’s that? Being alone?” Koushi teases. “That’s not exactly saying much.”
“No. Getting drug along and playing wingman for Noya at the bar. Again.” Koushi’s not sure what kind of face he makes at that but Asahi laughs and drags a hand across his face and through his hair. “I know. I know. Playing wingman for your ex-boyfriend seems like an odd thing.”
“‘Odd’ is putting it lightly.” Koushi settles himself on the end of the couch between Asahi’s shins and rests his cheek on the blanket bundled in his lap. “How can you even do that? I mean I know you two haven’t been together for years now but how is it so easy for you two?”
Asahi sighs and moves his legs as Koushi wriggles until they’re both comfortable.
“I told you. It’s not easy. Not exactly. I mean there’s a part of me that will always love Noya. No matter what. And part of that has me wanting to keep him to myself. But most of it is wanting him to be happy, you know? And us together romantically wasn’t doing that. Do I get a little jealous sometimes? Yeah. Does it suck to see him flirting with some random person at a bar once in awhile? Yeah. But he’s having fun and he’s happy and if nothing else being there with him lets both of us feel a little better that he’s not gonna go home with some random dangerous person and wind up in a dumpster somewhere or something.” Koushi tries to imagine watching Daichi flirting with someone at a bar, watching him laugh and lean in close and charm a stranger. “In the end he’s still one of my closest friends and I just want him to be happy.”
“Daichi told me at the party he wants me to be happy.” Asahi squeezes him gently with his legs to show he’s listening. “Said he wants me to be able to move on and be happy. Then he kissed my forehead.” The little thought that’s been pecking at the back of his mind since that moment suddenly becomes clear and he laughs - a little bitterly but he knows Asahi won’t judge him for it - at the sudden realization of his loss. The sudden settling of thoughts that he hadn’t been able to pin down until just now makes his stomach drop. “He kissed my forehead and I didn’t feel anything. It was like Ryuu or Noya kissing my forehead. I wasn’t upset or happy. I didn’t feel mad or confused or have my heart speed up. I didn’t-” Koushi chokes a little on his breath and wipes almost angrily at his eyes. He can feel Asahi watching him, patiently waiting for him to say whatever he needs to say. “I didn’t feel anything about it, Asahi. What… what does that mean?”
“It means you’ll be okay, Suga. You’re moving forward.” Koushi snorts and gives Asahi a teary-eyed stare. “Or at least you’ll be fine when you’re ready to start.”
“And how will I know when that is?”
The words are a whisper half buried in his blanket but Asahi answers anyway.
“Knowing you? You’ll be halfway there before you even realize it.”
Koushi shakes his head and drops his cheek to his blanket again, watching Asahi watch him.
“When did you stop overthinking everything and get to so calm?”
March, Koushi decides, is pretty much the asshole month of his life.
The entire first week he spends in a hazy daze that reminds him too much of the previous year. Only this time it’s thanks to whatever strain of hell-flu is making its rounds at work. He wakes up sweaty and tangled in sheets more often than he sleeps and his dreams are the kind of nightmares that can only happen thanks to the fever wrecking him. The second week is spent catching up on the sleep and work hours he missed the first week.
He’s staring blearily at his kitchen counter, drinking orange juice from a bright red mug because he hasn’t had the energy to wash dishes for a week, when his phone buzzes with a text message.
I got tickets for that basketball game this Friday. You want to come with?
It takes a moment for Koushi to register what Asahi’s text means. Partially because he’s still a little groggy from being sick for a week and partially because he and Asahi never went to basketball games. Asahi and Daichi used to go a lot but basketball was never really one of Koushi’s interests.
Aren’t you asking the wrong person Asahi? Isn’t this more something you’d be inviting Daichi to?
A few months ago saying that, even in text form, would have hurt more. Would have made his eyes water as he stood in the shower and rinsed the shampoo from his hair imagining Daichi out having fun while Koushi is miserable. And it does send a pang of sadness through him but it doesn’t knock him to his knees. It simply makes him sigh a little as he dries his hair and wonder at what they might have been able to have if they had ever managed to make it out of their high school romance level of whatever they had between them.
I could invite him but I’m asking you because I was hoping you’d like to go with me.
Koushi types out a response and sends it before he really even thinks about it and tosses his phone next to him on the couch. Then he scrambles for it and pulls the conversation back up when what he just sent registers in his mind.
That sounds like you’re asking me on date Azumane Asahi.
It’s teasing and dumb and the sort of thing you send as a flirty joke to a friend but a tiny part of him wonders if it’s too much. He remembers Asahi blushing and flustered every time someone made jokes like that to him back in high school and the last thing Koushi wants is to make one of his oldest friends truly uncomfortable. Before he can panic and do something dumb like hide his phone - and himself - away Asahi’s response pops up and Koushi’s stomach takes a weird twirling dive.
That would probably be because I am Sugawara Koushi.
Wait. Koushi worries his lower lip between his teeth. Seriously?
Wait. Seriously?
Koushi can picture Asahi rubbing at his jaw and scratching at the back of his neck a little nervously as he figures out what to say next. His phone buzzes as he imagines the blush rising across Asahi’s cheeks and the back of his neck and then it buzzes a second time as he reaches for it.
Yes seriously.
Sugawara Koushi would you go out on a date with me Friday?
Friday afternoon is here before Koushi realizes it and he trudges back from work with a swarm of butterflies in stomach that seem to keep escaping and beating at the inside of his ribs and he shuts the door of his apartment and pauses when it finally sinks in.
He’s going on a date with Asahi in a couple hours and he’s nervous about it. Like stupidly nervous.
His heart keeps speeding up as he takes a shower and dries himself off. His hands feel clammy while he digs through his dresser and closet and tires to decide what to wear. He keeps biting at his lower lip and worrying it between his teeth while he searches through his cupboards for a box of crackers or bag of candy to munch on while he waits for the minutes to creep by.
He’s a little embarrassed to admit to himself just how long he spent picking out an outfit that was just right. It was just Asahi and they were just going to a basketball game but Koushi had spent ten minutes debating between different pairs of jeans and nearly half an hour deciding between a long sleeved t-shirt or a regular t-shirt and jacket.
He’s not even entirely sure why he’s nervous. Sure he hasn’t had a ton of experience dating different people but he and Daichi had dated for years. Plus it’s not like he’s going out with a stranger. It’s just Asahi. They’ve technically gone out together to places plenty of times so really this isn’t that much different. There’s no reason to be nervous.
He manages to convince himself of that until he spots Asahi waiting for him outside the center the game is being played in. Asahi with his stupid hair pulled back in a ridiculously casual bun all relaxed and leaning against the wall in a long sleeved shirt that makes him unfairly attractive looking as he checks something on his phone and Koushi can feel that swarm of butterflies beating relentlessly at his ribs, bouncing off his lungs and fluttering into his stomach. Asahi glances up and smiles when he spots Koushi.
The world tilts a little funny for a moment as Koushi comes to the sudden realization that he can’t remember the last time he was this giddy nervous excited over the prospect of just going out to something. He can’t remember the last time seeing Daichi waiting for him and smiling at him when he showed up made his stomach jump in excitement. He can’t remember how long it had been since the sight of Daichi had left him breathless and made his fingers shake a little with the urge to reach out and touch. Sometime back in high school probably. Back when they stole kisses in the clubroom and shared heated looks in the gym. Back when thoughts of the future and forever never seemed to need to extend past their mid-twenties.
Koushi scrunches his nose at the roar of the crowd. It’s not that the noise bothers him, sure it’s different in the stands than it was on the court back in high school, but he’s having trouble figuring out what all is happening and each time the stands around him erupt in a cheer of excitement he feels more and more like he’s completely lost. It’s not that it’s boring or anything either. It’s just that he probably only ever went to one or two basketball games in high school and he doesn’t have much more than the general gist of the rules and strategies and the flow of the game that everyone around him seems to be picking up on.
Asahi leans away after finishing explaining some to Koushi for the third time in ten minutes and grabs his bottle of water, offering it to Koushi when he notices Koushi watching him. Koushi shakes his head and sighs.
"You'd probably have more fun if Daichi was here so you wouldn't have to explain everything."
Asahi’s eyes widen a little and then they go soft and fond.
"No.” He laughs and Koushi wonders when that laugh started making his fingers feel jittery and his breath catch in his throat. “I'm having plenty of fun right now.” His smile is stupid and ridiculous and it warms Koushi, sending a flush along his cheeks and settling a warm ember in his chest.
It’s the last week of March, nearly a week since he and Asahi went on their date, and Koushi can still feel the way Asahi’s fingers felt when he slid them between Koushi’s and leaned in close to explain something at the game. What he explained Koushi can’t even remember, couldn’t have repeated it even a minute later, because the way Asahi’s fingers pressed against the back of Koushi’s hand, the way Asahi’s cheeks had flushed nervously and his palm felt damp even though his fingers were steady and strong, the way Asahi had smiled at Koushi when Koushi curled his fingers against Asahi’s hand had pretty much shorted out Koushi’s brain.
But now he can’t get away from that niggling thread of guilt hooked in his mind that they overstepped some boundary. That after being with Daichi for so long going out with Asahi now was wrong somehow. A betrayal of their friendship or something. He’s not sure how considering they were all friends when he and Daichi started dating in high school but he just can’t shake those cold slimy fingers of guilt trailing down his spine. So he picks up his phone and sends a text.
I went on a date with Asahi.
His phone rings less than three minutes later as he’s digging out a box of crackers and a glance at the screen shows him that it’s exactly who he expects it to be.
Daichi (≧ロ≦)
“One: I am going to need more details. Two: put the crackers away so I can understand you. Three: I thought you weren’t thinking about him in the way I was implying?”
Koushi frowns and munches loudly on a couple crackers out of spite before shutting the box and setting it aside for the moment.
"One: I don’t kiss and tell. Two: shut up. Three: aren't you upset or weirded out that I went on a date with basically our closest high school friend other than each other?"
“You kissed him?”
“No,” Suga hisses. “I meant it as in I’m not giving details not that we-” Daichi’s laughter filters in and Koushi growls when he realizes Daichi is teasing him. “Oh my god I hate you so much right now.”
“No you don’t,” Daichi replies. “A year ago you hated me. Now? Now you need me to reassure you that I was telling the truth on my birthday.”
Koushi opens his mouth to say something about how he never hated Daichi but in the end he doesn’t say anything. Because for a little while he had. He had hated how easily he had crushed Koushi’s heart and left him to pick up the pieces.
“Suga?” Daichi’s voice is soft and careful and part of Koushi wants to rear back and growl at him at how cautious he sounds. But Daichi is still one of his oldest friends and the part of Koushi that just wants to keep moving forward is almost desperate to have that back.
“Yeah?” He asks instead of snapping at Daichi.
"Did he ask you out?"
"Yes."
"Did you want to go out with him?"
Koushi thinks back to the way his fingers had hovered over his phone as he reread Asahi’s messages a dozen times before finally saying yes. The way his stomach had coiled in excitement as the day drew closer. The nervous way he had dug through his clothes to find just the right outfit.
"Yeah,” he admits.
"Did you have fun?"
"Yes."
"Then I'm fine with it." That hook of guilt is still in his mind, wriggling and tugging against his thoughts, and it’s like Daichi knows it because he keeps talking. “I meant what I said, Koushi.” Hearing his given name snaps his attention and Koushi stills as he listens to Daichi, trying to pick up on even the smallest hint of a lie in his words. “I want you to be happy. I want you to be able to move on and keep living your life. I want you to go and have fun. Go on dates. Fall in love again someday. Just because we wound up not being for forever doesn’t mean you can’t try again.”
“Even if it’s with Asahi?”
“As you so pointedly told me at Noya’s birthday, you are perfectly capable of making your own choices. If that choice is Asahi then it’s Asahi. I can’t promise it won’t feel awkward the first few times we all see each other, if you would want to hang out at all, but I can promise that if you’re happy then that’s what matters.”
Koushi feels tears burning at the corner of his eyes and he takes a shaky breath as Daichi’s words sink in and snap the hook of guilt from his mind.
“When did you get to be such an adult?”
Daichi’s laugh makes Koushi’s heart beat heavy in his chest with a thud of nostalgia. It makes him feel like he did the last time he visited his parents and wandered through the neighborhood; a strange feeling of the loss of time mixed with the knowledge that it will always be a part of him no matter where he goes and who he becomes in the process.
“I think we both grew up more in the last year than we did in the other nine years since high school.”
April has him on edge.
He wakes up feeling like he’s on the edge of a gaping canyon that he can’t see the bottom of and he can’t seem to shake that feeling of waiting. Waiting for disaster to strike.
Because he’s happy with Asahi.
They go out to movies and to dinner and to the bar a few times and while they had done it all countless times before it feels different now. There’s a sharper edge to everything and each of Asahi’s smiles and casual touches and glances in Koushi’s direction builds and builds and builds until he feels like he’s ready to snap.
It can’t be this simple can it?
A year ago he was barely dragging himself through life trying to get a handle on how he was going to have a future without Daichi beside him and now… now he’s laughing at the way Asahi’s face scrunches into some form of disbelief and slightly frightened wonder at whatever concoction Ryuu just slid in front of him - Ryuu is determined to cook Chikara a nice meal for their anniversary and has been invading Koushi’s kitchen almost every day for the last two weeks with attempts at various meals.
Koushi is laughing at Asahi’s face and when Asahi turns to give Koushi a pleading look when Ryuu turns away Koushi’s laughter dies out. Because he wants to kiss that dumb look off of Asahi’s face and feel Asahi’s scruffy beard against his skin. He wants to step up next to Asahi and slide his arms around Asahi’s neck and tug him down into a kiss and his brain is having trouble processing that he wants to kiss someone who isn’t Daichi and that it’s okay to want that.
“Suga?”
Ryuu looks over his shoulder at Asahi’s concerned tone and Koushi shakes his head with a soft laugh.
“Sorry just distracted. Also wondering what, ah, exactly Ryuu made here.”
“Hey now it’s not that bad!”
Asahi slips his hand into Koushi’s under the table and they share a smile that has Ryuu sputtering and muttering to himself about his ungrateful friends as he turns back to the stove.
“Ryuu you’ll be fine,” Koushi sighs. He’s spent the last forty minutes talking Ryuu through his dinner making plans, listening as Ryuu goes step by step and reminding him of little things like spices and remembering to grab oven mitts before taking anything out of the oven. “Even if something doesn’t turn out Chikara will love it.”
“Ugh I know,” Ryuu whines. Koushi can picture him scrubbing at his head in frustration and worry. “I just. This is a big deal to me.” He mutters out a curse and Koushi sighs again.
“Did you touch the pan?”
“Maybe.” Ryuu’s voice is muffled, like he’s sucking on an almost burnt finger. “Okay I need something to distract me for a little bit. So.”
“So?”
“You and Asahi?”
Koushi can feel the blush flooding his cheeks and he buries his head in his elbow. “Can we pick a different distraction?”
“Nope.” Ryuu sounds far too gleeful. “Chika will be here in less than a half hour and I need something to distract me enough to keep me calm. And you haven’t said more than a dozen words about whatever is going on between the two of you and I need details.” He pauses a moment. “If you want to share that is. You know I won’t pressure you.”
“There really aren’t any details Ryuu. We’ve gone on a few dates. Held hands a bit. Cuddled on the couch. It’s nothing grossly spectacular.”
Ryuu hums. “Are you happy with ‘nothing grossly spectacular’?”
“Other than the fact I’m slowly crawling into ‘I want to kiss his stupid face’ territory yeah.” Koushi flops onto his back and stares at the ceiling, tracing patterns that aren’t there with his eyes as Ryuu laughs at him. “It just, I dunno, feels weird to have these thoughts about someone who isn’t Daichi you know?”
“Not from personal experience, seeing as how I never had thoughts like that about Daichi, but yeah I can get what you’re saying.” Ryuu hums again and then clears his throat. “Hey, Suga. How are you?”
“Huh? What do you mean? Everything’s fine now.”
“Yeah. But I don’t mean how are you and Daichi or you and Asahi. You know. Just. You . How are you Suga?”
“I,” Koushi pauses as Ryuu’s meaning sinks in. How is he as an individual. Not part of a relationship. Not half of a set. Just himself. Sugawara Koushi. “I’m a lot better. Hard to believe it’s been almost a year and a half. I feel… I feel more like myself than I can remember feeling for a long time.”
“That’s good!” Ryuu hisses and Koushi can hear someone talking in the background, most likely Chikara. “Shit I gotta go. Have fun, Suga. Go on more dates and kiss our giant glass hearted ace if you want to. I’m sure he’ll be more than okay with it.”
“Thank you, Ryuu.”
“Anytime.”
That feeling like he’s on the edge of a slowly crumbling canyon is still there and he lets his mind drift. He wasn’t lying at all. He really is happy now. A year ago he never would have imagined that he could be happy ever again and he still has moments where he stops in the middle of something and wonders where he might be now if he and Daichi had talked sooner. If they had both admitted the dark thoughts lingering in their minds.
Because now he can admit to himself that he had his doubts those last few months too. That he had tiny pinpricks of thoughts about how their relationship felt stagnant. Like they had never really gotten past high school and any time Koushi had tried to think about the future, their future, he had drawn a depressing blank. He could never see them moving out of the apartment. Could never see them getting a house or moving to another city. Couldn’t see them traveling anywhere. Couldn’t see vacations or a home slowly filling with trinkets and mementos of their later years.
Even the last couple years together, now that he thinks about it, were filled with memories and mementos not of what they did then but of what they had back in high school. No recent movie tickets or vacation photos. No trinkets from parties or frames filled with recent memories. Everything was from their first year or two out of high school at the latest. They were stuck in the past with what they used to have together.
Now Koushi looks around and sees himself in the present. He sees pictures from Noya’s birthday party tucked into picture frames, tickets and menus from places he and Asahi have gone scattered on shelves, a ridiculous glass jar he found at a store one day that he thought looked neat that’s now filled with random little trinkets like stones and marbles and paper clips and whatever else he finds that he doesn’t really have a place for.
He’s not stuck anymore.
And honestly, that’s frightening.
His world comes crashing down in May.
The urge to kiss Asahi's stupid face isn't going away anytime soon, it seems, and Koushi has resigned himself to spending way too much time wondering what it would be like to tug Asahi down by his ridiculous bun and kiss him silly. It pops into his head when he’s at work. It sneaks in when he’s doing his dishes. It lays waiting for him to drop his guard when he gets ready for bed.
Thoughts of Asahi are everywhere and Koushi feels ridiculous for it. This is worse than his blushing high school crush on Daichi. Worse than just imagining holding hands walking home and sharing kisses in the club room. Worse than some vague fantasies of a happily ever after future. Because this is him wondering what it’s like to wake up in bed curled around Asahi and imagining coming home from work to Asahi stretched out on the couch. This is him wondering what Asahi might look like in a few more years and if he’d get streaks of grey in his hair and if he would have that almost too long wrapped up in a bun hair when he was an old man.
This is Koushi actually seeing himself growing old with Asahi in stages. Not just the single idyllic picture of him and Daichi side by side in comfortable chairs in their 70s, but the slow shift out of their twenties and into their thirties and beyond. This is him wondering if Asahi wants a house of his own someday and picturing them looking for one, imagining what kind of spaces they could create together.
This is him waking up late one morning with the sun shining in his window and lighting up his bedroom, and the sweatshirt he borrowed from Asahi a month ago and kept forgetting to return to him, and realizing that he was maybe kind of a little bit in love with Asahi.
That thought follows him through the day and it’s still hovering around in his head when his coworker, Yoshikawa, props himself against the counter next to Koushi near the end of their shift and gives him a sunny smile.
“Suga,” he singsongs and Koushi smiles fondly.
“Kiyo.” Yoshikawa studies him for a moment as Koushi cleans up the counter for something to do. “As much as I appreciate being admired by you,” Koushi grins at him and then wipes around him, “was there something you needed?”
“You’re happy.” Koushi blinks a few times, hand stilling on the countertop, fingers tightening in the towel. “I mean. I know last year you were having some, uh, personal things going on and a few months ago you seemed better but still kind of out of things. But now you seem genuinely happy.” Yoshikawa tilts his head and sighs at what Koushi is sure is a shocked expression on his face. “You’re easy for me to read, Suga. Mostly because we’re a lot alike. But don’t worry no one else ever suspected anything. And I just, well, I just wanted you to know that you seem happier now and I’m glad to see it. So whatever you’re doing, or whoever,” he laughs when Koushi chokes on his breath. “Hey no judgement here,” he adds with an exaggerated wink, “just, for whatever it’s worth, I just wanted you to know that I think you should keep doing whatever it is you’re doing.”
Yoshikawa’s words follow him, lining up with his lingering thoughts of Asahi and amplifying them. Taking those fleeting moments of worry about his feelings and how others might perceive the fact that he went from being with one of his high school friends to a different friend in the same circle and all of that and simply putting a lid on them and tossing them out. Because if he was happy - happy and not hurting anyone and not pushing anything on anyone - then why shouldn’t he just let himself be happy? Why shouldn’t he just take these feelings for Asahi and run with them and see where they lead? The worst that could happen is that he gets his heart broken again, right?
He laughs as he brushes a few flower petals from his shoulders from the walk home. Who would have thought he’d make it to a point where he would see having his heart broken, again, would be the worst thing possible?
But the idea still lingers. Why shouldn’t he just let go and kiss that smile off of Asahi’s face? If he was lucky he’d manage to kiss a whole new smile into its place. That particular thought chases him, nips at the heels of Yoshikawa’s words, and tumbles around in Koushi’s mind as he changes into comfortable clothes and debates what to make himself for dinner. It’s still rolling around when a knock sounds at his door and he feels his stomach jumble in butterflies and knots when he answers it and waves Asahi inside. It’s there as he motions Asahi to lean down so he can pluck the flower petals from his hair with a laugh and then he pauses.
Instead of gently plucking the petals from Asahi’s hair, Koushi’s fingers seem to take on a life of their own and tangle in those dark strands instead. He pulls Asahi down and squeezes his eyes shut as their mouths collide. Asahi lets out a startled noise and Koushi can feel Asahi’s hands fluttering in the air and for a moment he’s worried that he screwed it all up. That Asahi doesn’t feel the same, or doesn’t want this, and that he’s about to lose his other best friend for months and months and months.
Then Asahi’s hands settle on his hips and his head tilts to the side and what was a clash of mouths and almost uncomfortable press of teeth behind lips and noses squished together is suddenly so much more. It’s warm and secure. But it’s not soft the way Koushi had imagined Asahi would be - and oh had he been imagining it a lot lately - not cautious and worried. Asahi pulls him close and digs his fingers into Koushi’s hips, unafraid of marring his skin it seems. He catches Koushi’s lower lip between his teeth for a moment, nips at the soft flesh before soothing over it with his own lips. Koushi’s fingers tighten in Asahi’s hair and Asahi lets out a soft grunt against Koushi’s lips that sends little shocks of awareness through him. He’s suddenly very conscious of the fact that they’re barely inside his apartment and he’s barefoot wearing an old pair of gym shorts and a faded shirt and Asahi is dressed in his work clothes with his shoes still on. He’s also very aware of the fact that Asahi’s mouth tastes like cherry candies and his lips taste like chapstick and his fingers feel like hot brands through his thin shorts and Koushi just wants Asahi to pull him even closer.
Instead Asahi pulls his head up to pull away and Koushi follows it up onto his toes, following the heady sensation of Asahi’s lips against his own and tugging at Asahi’s hair. Koushi would be a little embarrassed at the whine he lets out when Asahi pulls away again after a brief press of lips but the way it makes Asahi’s fingers tighten on his hips and makes Asahi’s breath come out in a broken huff soothes any embarrassment.
“Suga.” The fact that he’s the reason for the rough grate of Asahi’s voice, that he’s the reason for the flush on Asahi’s cheeks and the way his fingers keep flexing against Koushi’s hips like he’s trying hard not to drag him closer makes Koushi’s heart race. He did this. He brought Asahi to this edge that he seems to barely be holding on to with a kiss. A long kiss that still has Koushi breathing heavily but a single kiss nonetheless.
“Asahi.” He doesn’t try to hide the breathiness of his own voice, the need that is hovering just under the surface and he’s rewarded for it when Asahi’s eyes widen ever so slightly and those fingers dig into his hips yet again. He never would have thought that the feel of someone’s fingers digging into his hips over layers of clothing could make him feel so powerful and so weak at the same time.
He watches Asahi studying him. Watches the way Asahi searches his face, searches his eyes, for something. It suddenly occurs to him that he wants to do this for a long time. He wants to watch Asahi. Wants to take him places and see the expressions on his face.
He doesn’t just want some generic cookie cutter future with Asahi that’s blurred at the edges and tiny snippets of them with grey hair and wrinkles. He wants to have a life with Asahi.
June brings him peace.
For the first time in a long while.
He’s sitting at a table with his parents, laughing at some story about a cousin of his that his father has just finished telling, and everything feels right. Right in a way it hasn’t for a long time. He blinks down at his plate for a moment and looks up to see his mother smiling at him. It’s that knowing smile, like she can see everything going on in his head and then some, and then she reaches over and pats his arm.
“Are you sure there isn’t someplace else you’d rather be on your birthday, dear?”
An innocent question. Perfectly fitting seeing as how he’s turning twenty-nine and he’s at lunch with his parents. But he can sense that subtle probing under her words. That hint that she knows he’s seeing someone, is happy with someone, but hasn’t mentioned it yet.
He gives her a smile and shakes his head. For all that he would love to be wrapped up in Asahi’s arms on the couch today Asahi couldn’t get off work and Koushi understood that. He was an adult too and they both had their own lives that they had to deal with.
“A bunch of us are getting together this weekend and I have been informed I will not be leaving Noya’s apartment sober. I may not even be allowed to leave his apartment.” His mother huffs at him and shakes her head fondly. “I have also been informed by Daichi that he is confiscating my phone so I can’t call my parents at two in the morning this time and scare them half to death.”
He sees the way his parents’ eyes flicker towards each other. This is the first time he’s mentioned Daichi to either of them in almost a year. The first time he’s brought him up in a casual conversation with his parents and it doesn’t feel like his heart is about to burst. He wonders if his parents are going to mention it. He knows they still speak to Daichi from time to time. Still check up on him because that’s just who they are, the kind of parents they are. But he also knows that they haven’t mentioned it out of respect for him and his feelings.
Just like he hasn’t mentioned that he’s started dating Asahi.
He licks his lips and decides to just get it out all at once.
“Although Asahi says he’s just not going to let me take my phone with at all when he picks me up for our date that night.”
He can see the words register with his parents and he holds his breath because despite how much he tries to pretend he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about his relationship with Asahi these are his parents and part of him will always crave their approval and want their blessing for his life.
“Asahi is a sweetheart. Are you sure he can handle the little imp that is my son?”
Koushi feels a wave of relief at his mother’s teasing words, quickly followed by a blush of embarrassment.
“Mother!”
“I remember him,” Koushi’s father pipes up and smiles at him. “He was always an awfully quiet and nervous kid. Always wondered how he managed to be friends with you two.”
“Okay, one, I was a good kid. And so was Daichi. Two, Asahi is quiet but he can hold his own. Three, I can’t believe this. My own parents subtly accusing me of being a problem child.”
“Ah,” his mother laughs, “yes but are you still a problem child?”
Koushi can feel his smile softening and his eyes going a little distant. But he can’t help it. Nor can he help the words that slip out.
“No. We grew up. We all did.”
His birthday party isn’t anything super memorable. There’s a lot of laughter and teasing and Ryuu gives him a bottle of raspberry vodka that makes them both burst out in giggles that no one else understands. It wasn’t even as strange feeling as he originally worried it would be when Daichi arrives and Koushi is curled against Asahi’s side on the couch with Asahi’s arm around his shoulder. Daichi had given him that stupidly fond look, complete with an eyebrow wiggle that was completely unnecessary, and that was it.
It was nice. Calm despite most of them being far too drunk to be functional and the fact that the entire group - including Daichi - had broken into a cheer that Koushi is surprised didn’t bring the neighbors knocking when Asahi pulled him into his lap and proceeded to kiss him senseless because Noya dared him to. He woke up the next morning with the expected hangover using Asahi as a pillow on the couch with Daichi curled up in the nearby chair and Noya grumbling on the floor about being kicked out of his own bed and how he was going to kill them if Ryuu and Chikara had gotten up to anything “funny” after they all crashed.
July settles over him like a damp blanket.
No matter how sure of himself and Asahi he had sounded to his parents at the end of the day he still had his doubts. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was the fact that they were all friends in school that sometimes sets him on edge and makes him worry or the fact that thanks to all the hints Noya has dropped over the last few months that even he isn’t dense enough to keep ignoring Koushi’s pretty sure Asahi has had a minor crush on him since high school. He still doesn’t know why he’s the only person, as far as he knows, in their group of friends that has ever been let inside Asahi’s apartment.
No matter how much he’s sure he cares for Asahi, how much he’s come to love him, something still makes him hesitate sometimes.
His fingers trace the marks on his shoulder from a few nights ago, starting to fade into an almost sickly yellow-brown as he presses at them, studying the shape of them in the mirror. Something still makes him hesitate, still makes him tense when Asahi gets too close. Not physically. He has no problems with how close he and Asahi get with their fingers and mouths and bodies, hell sometimes he finds himself wishing they would be even closer. But the way Asahi is under his skin and in his soul has him off balance. Like the world is spinning faster and faster and he keeps stumbling and rolling in the other direction.
It was never like this with Daichi. Not until the end anyway. It was always comforting to be with Daichi, like a familiar blanket wrapped around him, even in high school when they were all awkward blushes and sweaty hands and fumbling kisses. The world didn’t spin and whirl and the ground didn’t shift under his feet. It was steady and warm and safe. Being with Asahi throws everything into disarray and that scares him. It scares him even more that he likes it. He likes that off balance feeling he gets when Asahi looks at him with that small smile of his. He likes the way his stomach flutters when he slides to sit on Asahi’s lap. He likes feeling his heartbeat pulsing in his ears when Asahi takes his hand and pulls him along somewhere. He loves that he knows Asahi well enough to not really be embarrassed by the things they say and do but that he doesn’t know him well enough to know exactly what he’ll do in response to Koushi.
He steps out of Asahi’s bathroom with Daichi and Asahi in his thoughts and a frown on his face and pads down the hall to the kitchen. A quick glance at the clock above Asahi’s tv shows him that Asahi should be back from work in less than an hour and then they’ll figure out what they’re doing for dinner.
He finds himself staring into Asahi’s cupboard, eyes glazing over as he remembers nights with Daichi. They’d usually have the same handful of meals throughout the week with leftovers the next few nights. Then they’d watch tv or goof off on their computers for a bit before showering and going to bed. Weekends would be going out with friends or watching movies all day. Grocery shopping was always the same days because they always had time then. Date nights, if they went out, were always Thursdays. Everything was so routine with them. Which wasn’t a bad thing, really, but looking back on it, it reminds Koushi so much of high school that he cringes. That simple comfortable routine. Seeing the same people five or six days a week, and sometimes every single day for weeks on end depending on what was happening. Making friends with people not because you truly enjoyed their company but because it was a way to get through classes. Having the same routine everyday - breakfast, practice, school, practice, home, shower, homework, bed, rinse and repeat - with the same people in their places - mostly Daichi beside him and Asahi getting drug along - made it easy.
It had been easy to fall into a routine with Daichi. To upgrade from friendship to more without thinking about it. When his thoughts had finally decided to make room for something other than volleyball and school, when he had finally decided to allow those urges to come to attention, who better to test the waters with than his best friend? The same one who seemed just as comfortable with Koushi as Koushi was with him.
Looking back now he can see that it was never really supposed to have lasted. Not like it did. It should have either fizzled out or grown deeper as they got older. Instead it leveled off not long after it started and basically fell into a rut. They almost never fought, rarely even disagreed much, at least not to the point where they actually brought it up with the other. Everything was about keeping the balance. They had been a perfect couple in high school, the team parents, the ones that everyone could count on for support and of course they loved each other, Koushi doesn’t think he could spend that much time with someone and not love them to some degree, but he’s finally realized something: just caring for someone, loving them, doesn’t make the foundation of a relationship. Even when it’s combined with respect and even if the sex is great. Part of him had always been waiting for, looking for, that little push of something else. That taste of being unsure even when you know the person. That tremble of nerves when your hands meet and that rush of a little more surges through the contact.
He’s loved Daichi a long time but now he wonders when he stopped being in love with Daichi.
Asahi finds him in the kitchen when he gets home, fingers trembling against the countertop as blinks away tears and his thoughts scramble to wrap themselves around the concept that maybe he and Daichi had never really been the perfect couple everyone else thought they were even back in high school.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Asahi pulls away from him enough to study his face for what seems like the tenth time in the last half hour and Koushi sighs.
“Why am I here?”
“Um, because we’re dating?”
“I know. But why are we here? In your apartment. Noya told me months ago, when we were planning your birthday party, that you haven’t let anyone in here since you moved in. Not even him. That you basically moved everything yourself so you could have a place that was completely yours.” He glances up when Asahi settles them back against the couch again. Koushi snuggles closer with another sigh. “But ever since that day outside the cafe last summer when I saw Daichi out of nowhere you’ve let me in time and time again. You took your sanctuary and gave to me. Why?”
“You needed someplace to go. Didn’t think you’d want to be bawling in public.” Koushi stiffens a little and then relaxes. That was something he’s noticed. The Asahi now didn’t just blush and fumble around his words when he was confronted with something somewhat uncomfortable. He didn’t bite back either but he did tend to let his tongue slip and he’d mumble and mutter snips and snaps that he would never have even dared voicing that tiny bit years ago.
“But why here? Why not just take me back to my place or something?”
“I figured you’d be better someplace without memories of Daichi hovering over you. That you’d be more comfortable without his presence. That maybe I could do something for you for once and make you feel better. And if that took me letting you into my space, my sanctuary, then I would happily do that for you.”
Asahi refuses to look at him, though he still has Koushi tucked against his side and his arm over Koushi’s shoulder. He looks calm though Koushi can feel the way his deep breaths are slightly ragged, like he can’t quite tamp down the frustration. Asahi is not one for confrontation, that will likely never change about him and it’s just another piece of him that Koushi has come to re-appreciate over the last year because it just means that when he does speak his mind like this, when he does make a point to talk about something, it’s important.
“Just me?”
“I don’t let just anyone into my space, Suga. You of all people should understand that.”
He does. Holy hell does he understand that instinct to keep people at arm’s length. To let everyone feel close but to rarely actually let anyone in. He’s not trying to be an ass about it. Not trying to push Asahi into a corner. But this feels like something he needs to hear, not just guess.
“Why?”
“Because I love you.” It’s not a confession whispered in the dark, words hidden in the hush of the air while their teammates are laughing and practicing just a few feet away. Asahi glances to him and Koushi can see his flushed cheeks and the set of his jaw. He doesn’t look scared or determined to make Koushi understand. “I’ve been in love with you a long time it seems and I’ve loved you even longer.”
Koushi knows. He’s known for a few months. But to hear Asahi actually say it… Koushi feels goosebumps rising along his arms.
“Since high school?” He lets out an amused huff at the surprised look on Asahi’s face. “Noya has hinted a few times that you’ve had feelings for me for a while.”
“Oh.” Asahi’s entire face is pink now but and he holds Koushi’s gaze for a minute before finally looking away. “Well. I have, in a way. Is that what you wanted to hear?” His words aren’t harsh but there’s a trace of bitterness in them, like he’s waiting for the bad news.
“Is it true?” He knows. He knows it’s true. But that part of him that’s still stuck back in that January day in Daichi’s sweatshirt with that off-white mug in his hand staring at Daichi’s back refuses to let him be. That part of him that doesn’t quite believe that this can be happening right now because in what world is he not with Daichi? In what world are Karasuno’s mom and dad not together?
“Why would I lie about being in love with you?”
“I don’t know,” Koushi whispers. “I’m still just, ugh. It’s just a lot sometimes. For the longest time being with Daichi is all I knew. Being with Daichi is all I really was. As dumb as that sounds. And now I’m with you and I just worry that… well I worry.”
“I don’t want you to be anything but yourself. Or do anything you don’t want. You know that.”
“Doesn’t it ever seem strange to you?” He’s not even sure what point he’s trying to make. Words just keep tumbling from his lips as Asahi stares at him, his suddenly unwavering gaze feeling like it’s burning Koushi. “That I went from one high school best friend to another? That the only other person I’ve ever dated is Daichi? Doesn’t that weird you out at all?”
"Sug- Koushi. Listen to me.” Asahi shifts them until Koushi is basically sitting in Asahi’s lap with Asahi’s hands resting on his hips. “People will talk. That’s just something they do. And someone will let it slip to someone that I’ve had feelings for you for a long time and that we were all friends in high school.” Koushi tenses. Those worries had whirled in his mind not that long ago. Not even worries about himself. He just doesn’t want Asahi to have to deal with that kind of gossip; he’s far too sweet and kindhearted to have to deal with it. “I'm not just taking Daichi's leftovers or something no matter what anyone tries to say."
The vehemence in Asahi's voice startles Koushi a little and he can only stare as Asahi runs a hand through his hair, hair that Koushi has grown used to seeing spread out on his pillows far faster than he ever thought he would, and sighs before settling his hand back on Koushi’s hips. He wonders what kind of things Asahi has already heard to have this kind of frustration in his voice. What kind of bullshit has Asahi already gone through? All because of Koushi.
"And I know that technically I am your second choice because you chose him but I know that you're not with me because I'm some consolation prize. You're not with me as a backup plan. You may never love me the way you love him, first loves are thing that are hard to move on from or replace I know.”
Asahi leans forward and presses their foreheads together and Koushi savors it. Savors this warmth and closeness because he has a feeling Asahi’s next words will have the kind of weight that could break them apart or pull him under for the rest of his life. Then Asahi kisses him, slides his fingers under Koushi’s shirt and digs into the soft skin of his sides like he’s reminding himself of what he has. That Koushi is really here and in his lap and kissing him back desperately. Desperate to block out the words that Asahi is trying to say and for a moment Koushi almost panics. Because this is exactly what he did to Daichi when Daichi would try to talk to him all those months and, wow was it really almost years, ago. It’s hard to pull away from that kiss and he whines a little at the loss of Asahi’s lips even though he’s the one to break the kiss and drop their foreheads back together.
“But you do love me ,” Asahi whispers fiercely and Koushi nods, “and I know that. And that's enough for me right now regardless of what anyone else might think or say."
Something’s caught in his throat as he blinks his eyes open, blinks against the tears trying to fall, and it might be his breath or his words or perhaps even his heart. It doesn’t matter much because when his mouth opens nothing even tries to come out but a choked sob.
Asahi doesn’t say anything else; just holds him close, lets him sob until he is hoarse and his head throbs in time with his aching heart. Aching with the loss of what he had and this promise of things to come and all the moments in between. When Koushi finally pulls his head away from the crook of Asahi's neck Asahi swipes stray tears from his damp cheeks and kisses him so gently that Koushi thinks he might start crying again.
It’s just a normal day in August when his world comes to a crashing halt.
And then picks right back up again like nothing even happened.
His hand hovers between two mugs in Asahi’s cupboard with a frown on his face. The one on the left looks oddly familiar, a large deep blue mug with grey stripes along the top, and the one on the right is some ridiculous looking thing he remembers Hinata giving Asahi as a graduation gift. Asahi glances up from his breakfast with an almost worried look which is expected since Koushi cut off mid sentence in his quest for a mug for some tea with his own breakfast.
“Something wrong?”
“No. I just- where did you get this mug?” He glances over his shoulder with his fingers resting on the cool ceramic and watches a blush crawl across Asahi’s cheeks. “Asahi?”
“It’s from the cafe you and I went to all the time last summer. I bought it before they closed for the winter.”
“Why?” The pink on Asahi’s face deepens to red and Koushi starts smiling almost involuntarily at the reaction. “You almost never drink coffee or tea.”
Asahi pushes a little food around on his plate for a moment before taking a steadying breath and meeting Koushi’s eyes. “Because it reminds me of you.
Koushi’s hand hesitates reaching out for his sky blue mug, scene playing in his head as he remembers the way Asahi’s face had turned even redder when Koushi had kissed him nearly senseless after that. It had been a couple weeks ago but he can’t even look at this mug now without remembering all the times he and Asahi had gone to the cafe and just trying to imagine Asahi going back on his own and asking to buy one of the mugs when he was always so adorably flustered simply ordering a drink makes him smile stupidly. But Asahi did it. Just to have something tangible to remind himself of Koushi.
He changes his mind and reaches for the polka dotted mug that Noya bought him, the midnight blue one with the logo for whatever bar Noya had been totally into dragging him to that month, and winces when he hears his mugs shift and tip over, the clattering sounds of ceramic scraping together making him nervous. Luckily nothing seems to be broken as he rearranges them and carefully stacks them a little more securely. His fingers brush something at the back of the cupboard and he frowns and he stretches a little further and pulls an off-white mug into view.
It had been a four pack set once upon a time, he remembers that now as he stares at the mug and cautiously lets all the off-white memories surface. Daichi had knocked the fourth one off the counter one morning when Koushi startled him and they had laughed as they lamented the loss of part of their precious set of mugs. This third one, the odd one out after that, must have gotten shoved into the back just out of sight and somehow Koushi missed it in his random sweeps of stuff to get rid over over the last year and a half.
He’s happy now, he realizes as he sets the mug back on the shelf and grabs the one from Noya. Really truly happy in a way he can admit now that he doesn’t think he had been with Daichi for a couple years.
It doesn’t hurt to remember Daichi. Well it does a little. But the hurt doesn’t have the impact it used to. It doesn’t send him to his knees in pain and anger. It actually feels a little like it does when he remembers Karasuno and volleyball. A pang of loss surrounded by a hell of a lot of fondness and when his eyes drift back up to that mug, that piece of who he used to be, he actually smiles a little.
“Morning Koushi.” Asahi shuffles past Koushi and leans heavily against the counter as he watches Koushi making himself tea.
“Good morning, love.” Koushi smiles and kisses Asahi’s cheek.