Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Fuck, it all burns.

A whimper, a little mumble. Red-faced, shy.

His thighs burn, sliced like minced meat…

But he was still silent. He never said stop, he just stared blankly and flinched.

Akito slashes the blade across again, slamming a hand over his mouth to muffle his scream.

She must have thought it was funny. For someone as loud and passionate as Akito to be reduced to an awkward, fidgety silence. She was only a kid, after all, she couldn’t know better.

His thighs feel numb, almost like jelly. Hell, he’s basically cut his own skin into cubes. The blood is spilling everywhere.

She didn’t know better. 

Another slice across, but this time, he can’t hold back the whine.

Hands pressed onto him. In his shirt. The waistband of his pants. He slapped her hand away when she touched skin. She laughed at his flustered expression.

He feels like throwing up. He might throw up. But he can’t stop himself from slicing again, harder this time, with a little moan of pain. How is he gonna explain himself at practice?

She was only a kid. A little girl. Something was probably wrong at home. They were only eight years old. Elementary schoolers. And she was a girl.

He’s shivering, mumbling softly to himself as he drags the blade along mindless. He can feel it; hands on him. One up his shirt, one by his crotch, just poking, playfully. He still jerks back, whining and shaking his head. Stop, please… 

That was all he had to say, wasn’t it? He should’ve just told her to stop. He never said anything, only pushed her away or froze up. One time, he tried to do the same thing back to her.

She didn’t care. It was clearly a game to her.

Akito is going to puke all over the floor. 

He did that too. He bears just as much guilt. She didn’t ask for that either. He never told her to stop. If he acted back, he probably liked it. Right?

The ghosts of hands are rubbing him more, and he swears it’s real, that he’s being touched and stroked, but all he’s doing is jerking around on the floor, sobbing, whining and moaning—It’s from the pain, right? Please… It’s the pain. He’s disgusting. So fucking disgusting.

It wasn’t even that bad. She touched him. Sometimes she said weird things about him out loud while their classmates laughed. It’s not like she was having sex with him.

She was only a kid.

He chokes up and pukes all over the bathroom floor, Dry heaving. His body only continued to twitch around, trying to get away from the hands. The hands caressing his chest up his shirt, the hands tugging around his waistband, the hand over his crotch, the hand tracing his inner thigh slowly, the hand on his ass, and the hand stroking his hair.

His body has nothing left to puke. It’s all just bile, but he keeps coughing it up. 

“S..stop…please…” He mumbles out loud, interrupted by another jerk forward as he spat out more bile. It’s vomit, blood and tears all over the ground. What the hell is he even doing?

The hands don’t stop, they only continue to trace along his body. It’s always gentle, never violent.

It was always gentle, never violent. She never forced it, she just put her hand there. She thought it was funny to pretend to spank him, but even then, she just patted him. All their classmates thought it was funny.

Akito is dry heaving, gagging, whining and sobbing. The hands won’t go away. It’s so gentle, so unassuming, not painful, almost pleasurable, and he is filthy and disgusting for this. For his mind making up this weird erotic fantasy based on something he swore he didn't want. The hands are holding him gently, patting him on the shoulders, the back, the ass a bit more firmly. 

Stop.

Please no more.

Stop it. Stop.

I’m sorry I did it back.

I don’t want it, please back off.

You’re being too gentle.

It feels too nice, please stop.

Please just hit me instead.

”What the hell are you on about?” A frustrated voice sounds. It’s his sister, Ena. But she’s probably not actually there, he reminds himself, he’s constantly hallucinating her. Hallucinating everyone.

The hands are still on him, even when he begged them to stop. He doesn’t understand. The problem was that he never said stop, wasn’t it? So why won’t they stop now that he is? He jerks forward with a low whine, slicing his knee with the razor by accident. He can’t hold back the pained gasp.

”Akito..? What the fuck are you doing in there?!” Ena bangs on the door. Is she actually there? He hopes not. There’d be nothing worse than having his own sister catch him in this weird aroused state. That’s what this is, right?

But he can’t stop his body from jerking around, twitching to get away from the hands, he can’t stop himself from moaning or whining.

”…I sure as hell hope you aren’t doing what I think you’re doing in there! That’s fucking disgusting, you have your room for a reason!” Ena bangs on the door harder, before beginning to walk away. Akito sees the door shake. She’s really there. She caught him.

No… Please…

I just want it to stop…

I said to stop, please stop now… 

It’s too gentle, please… Please, no more, stop…

Please get away, please get off, I’m sorry I didn’t say stop sooner—

“Akito?” 

Why is Ena back at the door? Is this a hallucination?

”Who are you apologizing to… Who’s in there with you..?” Her voice is getting louder. More pissed.

I just want it to stop.

He moans softly, trying to twitch away from the hands that never leave his skin, that keep petting him like an animal, that keep touching him like a lover. 

There’s a loud bang on the door, and Akito can only sob harder to himself. Disgusting, Disgusting, Disgusting…

The footsteps storm off. Akito whines more, dropping the blade into the pile of vomit accidentally. He sobs harder, his one release gone. Now all he can feel and focus on is the hands that are feeling him, defiling him, loving him gently, carefully, harmlessly, painlessly. 

No more gentle. No more careful. No more soft, no more kind, no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more

The lock clicked open with a satisfying pop. Ena thanked her hairpins for their duty. Now, she was going to have to brace herself with her little pocket knife in hand to attack whoever the hell was in here assaulting her brother. She pushed the door open with an aggravated yell, but—

—Akito was sobbing, twitching around, hips rolling, eyes watering… Alone. Alone, on the ground, whining and moaning softly, sadly, in a pile of blood and vomit. His legs looked massacred, like they were more slashes than skin.

Ena almost threw up too. 

“Nngh…Mmngh, plea…se…” He shook, whining and twitching. 

What the fuck did she just walk into..?!

Quickly, she snapped back to reality and grabbed his wrists, stopping him from scratching his brutalized thighs. The room smelled like acid, copper, flesh and yesterday’s dinner.

Akito continued thrashing around, now even more wildly, his eyes flying open, wide. 

“No..! No, noo… Not again, not—“ He heaved, but all that came out was saliva with a residue of bile from his tongue.

”Relax! It’s me, your sister!” Ena shouted back, keeping his wrists far away from him.

”Plea…please stop touching— Nee-san, make it stop! Please, make her stop!” Akito sobbed desperately, thrashing.

Ena’s heart stopped. Nee-san? When had Akito ever called her that? Maybe like once when they were kids.

Very, very little kids.

The urge to vomit came back, but she swallowed back her bile.

”Hey, it’s okay, Akito, Nee-san is here. Nobody’s touching you, okay? Just me holding your wrists.” Ena tried to speak softly, but the panic seeped into her voice.

”No, no, no, no, I feel it, nee-san, they’re all over—“ He jerked harshly to the side with a gentle moan. 

“Hey, Akito, it’s okay, it’s just me, okay? I’m only holding you gently, I promise.” She couldn’t help but feel bad for all the times she had not treated him gently, that she had scratched through his skin and thrown things at him. 

“No..! Please!” His face went white as a sheet, almost blue. Ena was shocked by his sudden outburst as he went back to desperately pulling his wrists away, hyperventilating.

But she remembered what she had heard.

”I-It’s too gentle…Please… plea…please, no more, please…” A weak version of her brother’s voice sounded from behind the door. Ena’s face paled. Someone was in there with him, and he wanted them out.

And Ena’s face once again paled. Shit. Worst thing to say, probably.

”Shit, no, not gently, my bad! I’ve got your wrists, and uh, I’m holding them really roughly! Okay?! So uh, get back with me, Akito!” What a pathetic attempt, she thought to herself.

Yet oddly, the thrashing slowed significantly at her words.

”It’s all in- My head, it’s splitting apart..!” He sobbed, shaking and thrashing. Ena was in a state of frenzy. He would bleed out, or get an infection, or something horrible, and the only way to prevent it would be to force Akito still.

She just wanted to hold him and tell him she was there for him, there with him.

But Instead, she pushed him into the shower and slammed it shut. He yelped, and then weakly tapped on the glass, sobbing, thrashing around more intensely.

Ena felt damn guilty. Still, she quickly wiped the vomit-blood pile off the floor  and put a wet cloth there to remind herself to deep clean it later, washed her hands, and then refocused onto her half-passed-out little brother.

He wasn’t doing any better.

”Nee-san, please..! Please, help me, make her stop, stop stop stop! Please, I’m sorry..!” He shouted, banging on the glass rather half-heartedly. Ena pulled off her sweater and socks, then her shirt. With her sports bra and shorts, she opened the glass and slid into the shower with Akito. She had to get rid of all of her clunky clothing if she was going to get soaked. She just hoped the sight of her doing so wouldn’t give her frenzied brother a scare. 

He was still twitching, jerking around, crying and whining. It was terrifying. Terrifying how it wouldn’t stop. Ena turned on the shower, and he shrieked at the cold of it as the temperature adjusted. Ena winced. before allowing herself to also be doused in water. She grabbed a washcloth and the disinfectant she kept in the shower for similar reasons to Akito’s predicament, and she began carefully cleaning his thighs, pinning him in place. 

It was awful. They both hated it. Ena felt gross, pinning Akito back as he was panicking. She knew she was doing what was right. It’s about what will help him live, she reminded herself. The water was getting a bit hot for Ena’s taste. She hissed at the water scalding her skin. But Akito’s thrashing was slowing. She let it be hot just long enough for him to completely stop moving. Then she shut the water right off.

The only motion he made was slow, slow blinking and the rise and fall of his chest. Ena quickly dried herself off with a towel before wrapping it around him and picking him up off the floor. It was quite the effort for Ena, who wasn’t particularly strong, but Akito was fairly light. As soon as he was in a dry spot, she grabbed bandages and cream and wrapped his thighs and arms carefully. there was less in his arms, but enough to be noticable.

She averted her eyes when she removed his now drenched shirt and undershirt, replacing them with some random soft pyjama top she found in his drawer. He was completely out of it, barely even conscious, just shivering slightly. 

But he wasn’t asleep.

”…Akito?” Ena voiced carefully. He blinked, then averted his eyes. 

“…Don’t look at me…” His voice was small and raspy. He brought his knees closer to him shakily and wrapped his arms around them, pawing at his sleeves.

”Ah, so you’re back.” She huffed, leaning back on the guest bed she had dragged him onto. She was exhausted, mentally and physically.

Akito said nothing. Somehow, the silence was both comfortable and awkward at the same time.

”Mind telling me what the hell that was about?” Ena finally tried. 

Akito tucked his face into his arms. “Mmn…” His response was but a small, disgruntled sound.

Ena let the silence continue for a few more beats. “What’s her name?” She finally asked, turning to Akito.

He blinked a few times. “…Hah?”

”Her, you know. The one you kept mentioning.” 

His face went red. He looked away. “…What’s it to you, anyway?” He grumbled. Normally, Ena would respond back with anger or annoyance, but it only made her more protective this time.

“Well I’m gonna need a name for the girl who’s about to catch my fists. In her face, I mean.”

Akito’s face lightened ever so slightly as a small sound came from his throat, muffled into his sweater. 

He was laughing. Giggling, to be more specific.

Ena couldn’t help but smile back. If he laughed, she had at least done something right.

Chapter Text

Ena had been weird around Akito all morning, Shinei had noticed. She looked at him even after he averted his own eyes, her hands would linger on his shoulders just a bit longer than they should’ve, she’d look him up and down as if searching for something.

To be perfectly frank, he was disgusted. It was incredibly abnormal, especially given their known sibling dynamic, and he couldn’t help but fear the worst. Had one of them hurt the other? Or even worse… He’d like to think his kids weren’t that fucked up, mind you, so he held his thoughts and held his tongue.

But some things would never change; primarily that whenever the family had breakfast all together, it would end in some kind of fight, and before long, the room was filled with the familiar sounds of arguing.

“Listen, I’ve tried the gentle parenting approach –”

“ Don’t say that fucking word.” Ena growled, suddenly slamming her fist on the table. The fuck was up with her?

“What, parenting ?” He scoffed, but when he looked a bit closer, while Ena looked rather pissed off, Akito also looked annoyed, but also red in the face.

“Oh shut up..! I can handle a stupid word!” He hissed. Ena flipped around crossing her arms.

“Well forgive me for worrying–”

“Enough!” Shinei’s voice raised and deepened, stopping both Ena and Akito in their tracks. “You’ll tell me what’s going on between you two, now .”

“‘Fuck do you mean?” Akito grumbled, eye twitching.

“Ena, you’ve been looking at your brother like he’s a fucking candy bar all morning, and now this?” Shinei shouted, pinching his nose bridge. “What the hell is going on for you to be acting so strange, and what the hell does it have to do with a word ? Parenting? …Gentle ?!” 

Ena and Akito both paled, glancing at each other, and Shinei wanted to puke. No way in hell. 

“What are you even implying ?!” Ena yelled, eye twitching. “What, you think I’m fucking my brother ?! Just because you’re a fucking freak doesn’t mean we are too!”

“You knew immediately what I was implying!” Shinei yelled back, “I’m not a freak , I’d like to believe just as much that this isn’t what it looks like!”

Shinei turned to look at his son, who’s face was practically turning green, his hand clamped over his mouth. 

“ M’ gonna be sick..– ” Akito kicked his chair away, immediately locking himself in the bathroom.

“ Goddamn it! ” Ena slammed fist on the table, shaking it and knocking over a glass which shattered into pieces. 

“ Ena ! Behave your–”

“ Shut the fuck up ! You’re so gross to even think of something like that! Just look at what you did to him! What if he fucking hurts himself in there–”

“–Your brother isn’t you , Ena, he’s not going to–”

“--You don’t know shit about him, or me, or us! You know nothing about our lives, our relationship, our health, our lives, nothing !” Tears ran down Ena’s cheeks. “You don’t get to act like a concerned parent, you only butt into our lives to make horrible assumptions because of your own fucked up head!”

“ Ena !” Shinei called in anger, but she stormed away from the broken glass, instead going to knock on the bathroom door. Part of Shinei wanted to go after her, to grab her and tug her back and scold her for how she was speaking to her father , the man of the household, but the other part of him knew he’d only make it worse. The second part won.

“Akito? Hey, you’re not doing anything bad in there, right?” Ena asked frantically.

“...No, I’m… I’m fine–” Akito’s voice is muffled by the door and cut off by a gag. “ –Why the hell would he say that? E-even think that, I–”

“Yeah, I’m on the same page there…” Ena grumbled, sliding down against the door. “You really aren’t doing anything there, right?”

“Jeez, do I sound like I’m doing anything?” He had a point, Ena supposed–The previous night, he was sounding much worse.

“Kay, whatever, can I come in then?”

“ Eugh , hell no! After what he just said?!” Akito gagged again, and Ena winced.

“Ugh, don’t even entertain him, Akito, that’s gross.” Ena replied, mumbling.

“Sorry, I just–” Akito sighed, slumping against the door. “I feel fucking gross. Just hearing that, it makes me feel guilty– Even though I swear I don’t– You… You know–” 

“Breathe, dude.” Ena sighed. “I get what you mean. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said it like that, you’re not gross… It’s just him.” 

They were mumbling—Out of earshot of Shinei, who simply sat back down at the table, pinching his nose bridge and leaning down. How the hell did this family end up like this? All he wanted was to prepare those kids for reality. Where had he gone wrong?

Meanwhile, Akito opened the door, leaving with Ena. He winced at the broken glass on the floor. 

“I’ll–” Clean that up, was what he was going to say before the interruption came.

“ –Come with me to watch that movie? Exactly what I knew you’d say,” Ena grabbed onto her brother’s frail wrist. She glared at her father, scowling as she spoke, “I think you’ll like it, it’s all about familial love and how a brother cares for his sister.”

“When the hell did I agree–” 

But Ena had already begun dragging him up the stairs with her.

Maybe Shinei really was the creep here. He sighed, standing up and walking over the glass, snatching up a pack of cigarettes and his lighter before exiting the house. He seriously needed a smoke to handle everything before Anzu was home.

“So is the movie actually any good–”

“I made it up.” Ena replied, scoffing. 

“Oh. Boo, I almost let myself get excited, too.” Akito rolled his eyes, standing around idly. Ena ushered him onto her bed, throwing a pillow and spare blanket at him with a pout.

“You’re so annoying… How come I had to get you as a little brother?”

“Yeah, sometimes I wonder how come I had to end up with me as… Well, me.” Akito mumbled back.

Ena snapped her head over, narrowing her eyes. “Don’t say that. It’s only funny when I say it.”

“Hypocrite.”

The two fell into a sort of silence as Akito hugged the pillow close to himself, shaking out his sleeves as much as he could to cover up his hands. It was a cute habit, if Ena was being honest. Perhaps once in a blue moon, her little brother was cute.

“Ena..?” He mumbled.

“Huh? Yeah?”

“Uh… Thanks for getting me out of that.” He barely mumbled, muffling his voice into the pillow. “Yesterday and today, I mean.”

Ena laughed slightly. “Whatever. I mean, that’s what I’m supposed to do as your big sister, right?”

“...Mm, maybe.” He nodded. “I don’t know. What siblings do, I mean… I tried to just do what Toya said he did for Tsukasa-kun.”

Oh? “Is that so? What were you doing for me?” Ena replied, perhaps a bit arrogantly.

“...I dunno, I guess I just… Tried to listen and check in on you, and did what you wanted, like get cheesecake or do your chores.” He mumbled, tightening his arms. “When you took your anger out on me, you didn’t take it out on yourself, so…”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I–” Akito opened his eyes, turning to look at Ena, eyebrows furrowed. “–What..?”

Normally, Ena would back down by now and deny she said what she did.

But hey, if their dad was good at one thing, it was making them closer by becoming the ultimate source of evil.

“I’m sorry. For treating you like that.” She glanced aside, breath shaky. “Shit, I mean, I’m the older one out of us two, and I’m the one throwing shit around and hurting you, I even make you do my chores–”

“Nah, don’t worry, I’m fine doing your–”

“–You keep making me more and more guilty!” Ena groaned, burying her face in her pillow. “And don’t you dare say sorry! Even if you do it sarcastically, I’ll still feel bad!”

Akito stays silent, having both of his two options cut off by her words.

“I shouldn’t have treated you like that… Bickering’s one thing, but I’ve seen the scratches all over you, and I know you’ve tried to reach out to me. I’m sorry, Akito.”

“It’s… It’s fine.” Akito mumbled back.

“I want to make sure you’re hearing me, Akito.” Ena repeated. “I don’t want to sweep this under the rug again.”

“...I hear you.”

“And?”

“Y..You’re apologizing to me.”

“For?”

“...Um…” Akito trailed off again. “I don’t–”

“Just say it.” Ena snapped her fingers. “Say what you heard, Akito.”

“For… Being a bad older sister…” He whispered, sinking further into the pillow and blanket on Ena’s bed, afraid of answering wrong.

“Do you think I was a bad older sister?” Ena asked after a moment.

“Um, no?” He squeaked. Way too stressful.

“Tsk. Well, I don’t think even you know the answer yourself.” She mumbled. “Well, yeah. You heard me right. I am apologizing to you for being a bad older sister.”

“Okay, then I’m sorry for being a shitty younger brother.” Akito piped in, popping back up with relief.

“Oh, please! You’re fine. You didn’t do jack.” Ena waved off. 

“But I–”

“Sometimes said things that were contextually kinda rude without knowing the context?” Ena rolled her eyes. “I don’t give a shit. Man, I hope I’m not the reason you’re like this. So… Quick to blame yourself, I mean. If so, then I’m worse than I thought.”

Akito didn’t really have an answer. How could he know? Neither of them knew anything, really.

“Sorry, I guess I sprung a lot on you at once.” Ena mumbled. “I’ll get you cheesecake later.”

“ You’ll get me cheesecake?”

“Jeez, I’m capable of being nice!” Ena bickered back, but with a fond smile on her face.

“You learn something new every day…” Akito smiled back.

Chapter Text

Shinonome was off, Kohane had noticed. And usually, she was the last to notice such things. But, after becoming closer and closer with Aoyagi, Kohane had begun to notice the same things he did. She remembered Aoyagi explaining with great worry how Shinonome was acting strange, and how he normally acted, and now it was hard to ignore such mannerisms herself.

She glanced at Aoyagi, then at An. Neither of them looked concerned. She bit her lip. An would notice before her, she thought, and for Aoyagi to not notice anything… There must not be anything wrong, right?

Yet still, she was unable to shake the feeling, unable to convince herself. So, she stayed closer to him during practice, handing him water constantly, making excuses for the team to sit down and take breaks. An was giving Kohane weird looks, so was Shinonome himself. She didn’t let that deter her–Confidence, she assured herself. They were friends, so Kohane would help him, whether Shinonome wanted it or not.

Kohane had made a mental list of things weird about Shinonome Akito, courtesy Aoyagi’s prior ramblings.

For one, his movements were sluggish. Aoyagi had explained it before–Shinonome’s movements were very, very precise, practiced. He wasn’t smooth or graceful, but methodic and skilled. Kohane actually admired that greatly; she herself was only beginning to find grace in her movements, and Akito made it look good. But on this day, his movements were smooth, though not graceful–He wasn’t moving methodically, but strained and almost pained.

So Kohane kept giving him more water, asking to sit down while acting exhausted.

“Kohane, are you doing okay?” An asked, concerned after Kohane had started breathing heavily and asking for a break the third time.

“Mmhm, yeah… Sorry everyone, I had a hard time sleeping last night…” Kohane chuckled, gripping her water bottle. Watching all those shows at Pheonix Wonderland was really paying off, she thought.

“Ah… Make sure you go to bed on time today, Azusawa.” Aoyagi smiled softly.

Shinonome didn’t say anything at all.

The next thing Kohane noticed was his peculiar reactions to things—He would zone out completely, staring off at nothing, and then flinch violently when he was brought back to. Aoyagi would glance over with a worried look. At least Kohane didn’t feel delusional anymore.

So, whenever she saw him zoning off, she’d mention his name out loud. Sometimes, it was very hard to fit it into conversation.

“Right! So I wanted to practice harder–” Kohane’s eyes trailed off to her redhead friend who was staring off into space. “–Shinonome-kun!”

An looked at her weirdly, Shinonome blinked and turned to her.

“Uh… Like Shinonome-kun does. Practice hard.” She awkwardly finished. 

An laughed.

The final thing Kohane noticed was his sudden aversion to touch. Shinonome was always a very physical person—Ruffling Kohane’s hair, punching An’s shoulder, bumping into Aoyagi… You name it. But now, everytime someone would get close to touching, his eyes would widen and he would flinch backwards, even if it was barely noticeable. So, Kohane did her best to not touch him at all, keeping a distance.

It all seemed to be working okay, that was until An pulled her aside from the others to talk.

“Kohane, you’ve been acting weird today,” An frowned, holding her wrist gently.

“H-Have I? Sorry!” She mumbled, flustered.

“No need to be sorry, you’re so cute!” An blinked after a moment, “Right! On topic. You’re being weird around Akito. Did… Something happen between you two?”

Oh dear. “No! Not at all!” Kohane quickly assured, shaking her hands in a strong motion of denial. “Really, it’s nothing like that…”

“Ah…” An stopped for a moment, a sad look flashing on her face for a moment before her excitement took over again. She took Kohane’s other wrist, grinning. “You like him!”

…Huh?

“What?!” Kohane squeaked, flushing bright red.

“You can admit it, my adorable partner!” An beamed. “Though I’m not sure what you see there, I’ll support you and kick the shit out of him if he hurts you, you’ve got my word!”

Oh no. Oh no, no no no .

“ Wait , I don’t–”

“ Ahh , this makes so much sense! You’ve been so shy around him all day!” An giggled, twirling around. “You’ve been too nervous to even touch him, and you keep staring at him~ You’re so cute! Akito is way too lucky!” An pinched Kohane’s cheeks lovingly, grinning.

This. was. Horrible. Kohane’s crush was currently dancing around, excited by the false idea that Kohane was in love with… Their other friend.

“An-chan, you’ve really got it all wrong!” Kohane mumbled, face red. 

“Right, right, I’m getting ahead of myself~” She hummed teasingly. “Let’s hear your explanation, Kohane!”

“Okay, but don’t make a huge deal out of this…” Kohane mumbled.

“ Ohoho ..~ I won’t… In front of him, at least.” 

Well, that was good enough, Kohane supposed.

“I’m worried about Shinonome-kun…” Kohane mumbled, glancing away. “He’s been weird all day, I think Aoyagi-kun is noticing too.”

An stopped, blinking. The humor and fun left her face.

“Really? How so?”

“I… Well…” Kohane muttered. “I’ve been hanging out with Aoyagi-kun a lot recently, and he talked about Shinonome-kun a lot.”

“Oh trust me, I know.”

“R-Right… So I started noticing things too… He’s been moving really… Sluggish..? All day today, like he’s really tired—I slept fine last night, I was just pretending to be tired to give him a break.”

An’s lips curved into a little ‘o’ shape, but she remained silent to prompt Kohane to continue.

“Also, he’s been really skittish… Like, jumpy. He keeps flinching and spacing out, so I’ve been trying to get his attention to keep him with us… But I see how you thought I sounded weird…” Kohane blushed, fiddling with her hands.

“You noticed too?” Aoyagi’s voice rang out from behind her. Kohane jumped slightly, spinning around.

“Um, yeah… I couldn’t tell if you did…”

“...It took me longer than it should have.” Aoyagi mumbled shyly. Kohane couldn’t help but smile.

“Right, yeah… I kinda noticed too,” An started, glancing to the side, “but Kohane was acting even weirder, so I figured it was something between them.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Aoyagi nodded, turning around.

“I hope that goes well…” An sighed, “And sorry for assuming you were into him—I’m so glad you’re not.”

That part was hardly relevant , Kohane thought.

Kohane and An had returned to the group, hopes high. It’s probably nothing, An tried to convince herself. It didn’t really work.

Akito bowed ever so slightly to the two of them.

“Sorry for acting weird. That’s my bad. Just tired.” 

“...You’re acting even weirder !” An shouted in horror. 

“Wh– The hell does that mean?! Can a guy not be apologetic anymore?!”

“That’s more like it.”

Kohane and Toya zoned out of the bickering, looking at each other instead. They both still found the nervousness on eachother’s faces. It assured both of them.

So the practice went on. And on. And on —

Until Akito crashed to the ground, clutching his thigh.

“ Shinonome-kun! ” Kohane shouted, rushing to his side. Toya and An quickly did the same.

“Akito?!” Toya’s voice was panicked, higher than usual. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“Mmn–” Akito tilted his head forward, shaking it intensely. “I’m fine– Ah, god, I’m fine…”

He didn’t look fine, thought Kohane. Toya voiced this concern for her. “No you’re not, what’s going on?”

“Shit, fuck, not here, not again–” He gasped, clutching hard. Instinctively, Toya took his wrists, only for Akito to suddenly pull away with immense strength. “— Don’t touch me! ”

Toya backed off immediately, a dejected look on his face.

“ Fuck — Toya, I’m sorry, I didn’t–” He gasped lightly.

“Akito, what’s going on? You’ve got to talk to us.” An didn’t touch him, but dropped on her knees in front of him. 

“God, no– I can’t do this, not in front of you guys—” Akito’s voice was laced with panic. “ —This isn’t supposed to… To happen! Usually it’s only like, once a month! ”

“Are you ill?! Akito, come on, talk to us!”

“My thigh is killing me…” Akito groaned, shaking his head. Everyone could tell it was more than just that.

“Shit, someone call–” Akito cut himself off, shaking his head, “–No, not her, I can’t burden her again, fuck –”

“Who, Akito? Your sister?” Kohane tried to speak calmly, but she was evidently panicking.

“N-No, no no no no no, don’t– Don’t call Ena, I’ve been enough trouble!” He shook his head rapidly, and that's when it happened—He jerked forward painfully with a low whine.

“ Woah , the hell–” An cut herself off, watching him painfully stop himself from twitching, trying to stop shaking.

“Akito, what’s going on? What are you feeling?” Toya reached out his hand, sitting on the ground in front of him. “An, call Ena-san with my phone.”

“No, please don’t–”

An grabbed Toya’s phone and unlocked it with ease while Akito continued muttering curses. Kohane and Toya saw it— Tears forming in his eyes.

“ Shit ! Please, no!” He hissed, but he sounded more desperate and afraid than angry. It hurt more, somehow.

“Akito, you’re in trouble, we have to–”

“No, no… I can’t, not in front of you! Please !” And they didn’t even know who Akito was begging at this point. It didn’t feel directed.

“She won’t pick up—It keeps going to voicemail!” An panicked, handing Toya his phone. 

“Oh, shit, I’ll text her…” Huh. Toya doesn’t really cuss often.

“Get– Get away from me !” Akito yelled. “All of you! Fuck off! Please!” Despite his rude words, none of them moved a muscle away from him.

“We aren’t leaving you alone like this, idiot!” An shouted back.

Akito—Face pale, suddenly slides his hands between his legs, gripping the ground tightly and rocking back and forth, his thighs twitching against his arms.

Wait, what’s—

A pathetic, whiny moan drew from his lips, followed by a tear rolling down his cheek.

“What’s he–”

“ Go ! Fuck, fuck ! Please, just go!” Akito sobbed, his thighs twitching against his arm in a rubbing motion. “Stop, no! I don’t want you to see this!”

…While to most, he might seem aroused…

Knowing his behavior, all three of them knew something was seriously, gravely wrong.

“Akito, what are you feeling?” Kohane asked softly, trying to get closer. She had her suspicions. Even if they were ones the others didn’t understand. “You two, go away.”

Toya and An’s eyes both widened, because Kohane never spoke like that. So that was also the reason they stepped away, giving the two some space.

“Akito?” Kohane whispered again.

“You’re– Kohane, right? Why’re you calling me my given name—” He choked slightly, shaking his head and twitching around. “F…Fuck… Ah, not that I mind– Ah !”

“Doesn’t matter,” Kohane shook her head. “Where do you feel it?” 

“F-Feel, mmn… Feel what..?” He tried, rubbing his thighs against his arm, face bright red, humiliated.

“The hands.” 

Akito’s face paled.

There’s no way she knew. No way for her to know. So why—

“They’re all over me,” It came out faster than it should have, too fast for him to catch it and stop himself, “ Fuck , Kohane… All over me…” 

“It’s gonna be okay, I promise,” Kohane mumbled. Shit, yeah, that’ll surely help, she thought sarcastically. “Can you tell me how many?”

“Mm, no, don’t do this Kohane–” He gasped, jerking back and rolling his hips. “No! Fuck, no..!”

“It’s okay, Akito, just focus on answering me, okay?”

For some reason, he didn’t have it in him to hold it back anymore.

“Kohane– I can’t, I can’t do this, I want it to stop but it feels good, please–” Tears spilled over his cheeks.

“I know, that doesn’t mean you want it, Akito. I don’t blame you. You’ve got this, okay?”

“...O-Okay…Mmn..” He whined softly, leaning forward. “Okay– There’s– There’s one there… A-And—” 

Unexpectedly, he lunged forward, wrapping his arms around Kohane.

“Fuck! Fuck, Kohane I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay, I don’t mind..!” Kohane rushed to reply. This was so, so much worse than she thought.

“No, it’s not okay— I’m having a fucking hard-on against you—” He sobbed, clutching her.

“I don’t care, Akito, I know you aren’t trying to…” Kohane whispered, wrapping her arms around him in turn.

“Oh, god– I… Okay… O-Okay…” He shook his head, twitching back and forth. “Um, there’s a lot– A lot of hands… Like, at least 5 of em’...” He mumbled.

“And there’s only one of me, and I’m only hugging you,” Kohane whispered back. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I–I know, I know it’s just you, but–” He moaned softly, trying to muffle it in her sweater. “They won’t get off of me, fuck… And now I’m doing the same to you—”

“You aren’t assaulting me, Akito.” Kohane spoke calmly. 

“I–” He cut himself off, biting his tongue with a small whine. 

“It happened to me too, Akito. I… I didn’t know what to do, because it was a girl my age.” Kohane spoke gently. “The hands… It might take a while, but they leave eventually, I promise . Just imagine yourself twisting them away.”

“I– Oh, god , I’m so sorry—”

“No, don’t feel sorry for me, it’s just as bad for you, okay?” She assured gently. Akito couldn’t stop the sob from escaping. Kohane was nice. Too nice. Akito hates things that are too nice, too gentle.

But Akito doesn’t hate Kohane.

“Koha…ne…” He mumbled, leaning against her. “You’re being too… Too good.”

“No such thing.” She huffed with a renewed sense of confidence. Akito giggled. “You don’t have to try so hard to stop the movements, Akito. I understand you, it doesn’t hurt me.”

Akito shook his head against Kohane’s shoulder.

“...You know, Toya’s always talking about you.” She started. Make conversation, Kohane remembered. That helped her. “Like… Always, always. Whenever we hang out. he mentions a habit he finds cute or something…”

“He–” Akito stopped, shaking his head with a little moan. “ Nghh… I–”

“Yeah, he does. He once won a ginger cat plush from a crane machine. He named it Aki.” Kohane continued, rubbing his back gently. “He keeps Aki with his other plushies now, he told me. His dad hates them, but he can’t do anything about Toya having a few plushies on his bed.”

Kohane really wasn’t used to using given names, but anything to make Akito more aware.

“M..Mhm..?”

“Mhm. “ She smiled.

“An— Ah, fuck… An is always talking about you, too…” Akito mumbled back.

“Is she really?” Kohane felt her face heat up immediately. 

“Mmf.. Haah… ” He whined. “Y-Yeah. Constantly. She doesn’t shut up about— About you.”

“Do you think An-chan likes me?” Horrible time to ask, but Akito seemed distracted be the conversation, so maybe it was worth it? “Like… Like likes me?

“Do you like like An?” he rasped gently.

“Mmhm.” Kohane agreed, face red. She had never voiced that out loud before.

“That’s— That’s good, she really likes you, Kohane…”

Was that why her face had that flash of sadness earlier?

“I think Toya really likes you,” Kohane added.

“Mm.” Akito paused. “Kohane, you…”

“I’m not afraid of ghosts.” Kohane whispered with a smile. “I’ll protect everyone from them, honest.”

“. ..Thank you. ” Akito’s voice cracked. “They’re— They’re going away, you’re scaring them off, thank you–”

“You’re welcome, you got this. You had this from the start.” Kohane spoke softly as usual, her gentle voice ringing in the park. It was dark and late from all the practice. 

“Mm… ‘Hane..?” 

“Yeah?” Cute nickname.

“Stop with… With calling me Shinonome. We’re close, right?”

“Ah– Yeah, we are…” She agreed.

“So Akito’s fine.”

“O-okay. Akito.” She tested again, as if she hadn’t been testing it this whole conversation. “Will you call me if you’re in trouble?”

“...Maybe…” Akito mumbled. “I dunno. I’ll try.”

That was enough for her. 

“Wanna go to Weekend Garage?”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

Chapter Text

Shinonome Akito was doing well.

Really, they meant it—Kohane had heard him say it only happened once a month, and for the next few months, that was true.

Two times out of the three, he had called her deliriously, one of which he hung up about 4 separate times before finally just letting the call stay. He was guilty all the while—For stressing Kohane out, mostly, burdening her with his own mental issues—But Kohane always seemed so relieved to hear him call, and she had been so disappointed when he didn’t.

According to Shinonome Akito, this was a lose-lose situation. 

According to Azusawa Kohane, this was a win. And surely Shinonome Ena agreed.

She had thanked Kohane profusely—Much to Akito’s embarrassment—For bringing her brother home safe, apologizing for her dead cellphone. Kohane had felt hope in her spark. She had overheard certain things, or heard from Toya’s concerned mumblings, that Akito had a troublesome relationship with his older sister.

But Azusawa Kohane definitely noticed that Shinonome Ena and Shinonome Akito were closer than ever.

It felt kinda cool, being in this little inner-circle—Where Ena and Akito would invite her over to hang out when they did, almost like a third sibling. Kohane was studious and proper, so the Shinonome’s parents approved of her presence, seeing her with her Miyajou uniform. 

Kohane was so glad—So glad she could help someone where others failed to help her, so glad she could watch him grow past the fears and nightmares, and so glad to become such an intimate part of someone’s life.

Ena and Akito’s bickering often seemed a bit too intense, and when they had Kohane over, she felt the need to try to stop them. She grew used to it in time, as they diffused pretty fast.

Kohane was happy. Akito was happy. Ena was happy.

Shinei seemed satisfied enough.

Vivid BAD SQUAD was happy—And they had an event, too. Not a huge gig, but also not one to scoff at; there would be a few hundred seats there after all. And the tickets sold fast . Their hard work was paying off.

So, as a group does, they met backstage an hour before they were ready to headline for the event. And everyone was looking good.

”Kohane! You’re so cute..!” An grinned, pulling Kohane’s cheeks.

”A-An-chan! Stop!” Kohane mumbled halfheartedly, holding onto An’s wrists.

Akito scoffed fondly, looking at the two and then to Toya, who he bumped shoulders with. “You ready?”

”We’ve got plenty of time to spare,” Toya smiled, “But yes, of course I am, partner.” 

Toya found himself looking at Akito for perhaps a few seconds longer than what was normal. There was something about him—Something lighter, since that day he panicked. Since he got close with Kohane. That sparkle in his eyes had become stronger, his sharp edges had softened. Toya admired it greatly—Both Akito and Kohane, who continued to surprise him every day.

”Hey, Toya. Lost in thought again?” An chirped, patting him on the back. Toya flinched forward, before sighing softly with a slight smile.

”Yeah. I was…” No point denying the obvious.

”You seem a bit antsy—But don’t worry. We’ve been practicing for this, we’ve got this. Show the world what we’re made of, yeah?” An gave a confident, encouraging close-eyed smile. 

Toya smiled back, nodding with an approving hum. Of course, Toya admired An too; He had never met someone so good at encouraging others in the moment, someone so good at taking the heat of the moment to their advantage, or someone so loudly supportive.

If you asked Aoyagi Toya, he would say that he had been blessed with the best team—No, best friends he could ever dream of.

Toya was snapped out of his thoughts when Akito suddenly fell forwards into Toya. He quickly grabbed Akito’s waist to stabilize him.

“Oh my god! I’m– I’m so sorry!” A short girl bowed repetitively. She was wearing glasses and had a cup of coffee that was now mostly on Akito instead of in the mug.

“Ugh… Seriously…” Akito hissed lightly, turning his torso. “It’s alright. I brought spare clothes anyway.” And on went the perfect mask. “Be careful where you’re going, okay?”

”Y-yes! Sorry !” The girl bowed repetitively before rushing off. As soon as she was out of sight Akito sighed, eye twitching slightly. If it weren’t so inconvenient, Toya would’ve laughed at his expression.

“I’ll be back… Lemme get changed.” Akito rubbed the back of his neck with a sigh.

“Okay, just shoot a text if you need something…” Toya replied with a nod.

And a while went by. And by the time that 6 minutes had passed with no sign of Akito, Toya immediately booked it to the washroom. Perhaps he was counting down a little bit to the acceptable time, and maybe he almost went after only 3 minutes before realizing that was outright ridiculous. And yes, Akito might need longer, but it’s better safe than sorry, right?

Right.

“I’m going to the washroom. Akito went to get changed and he’s still not back.” Toya spoke gently to An and Kohane.

“How long has he been gone?” Kohane’s eyes widened—Right, Kohane and Akito had grown very close in a very short amount of time. Her worry likely rivaled even Toya’s. 

“A bit over five minutes.” Toya replied. “It’s not a big deal… But I just need to be sure.” 

Kohane’s shoulders dropped with relief. “Okay, good idea.” An put her hand on Kohane’s shoulder reassuringly.

“We’ll warm up a bit while you’re off so we can get a final practice in together.” An smiled with a nod. Toya smiled back, leaving to find the restrooms in the establishment.

It didn’t take long, since the place was rather small and the backstage bathroom was nearby. It was a kind with several stalls in one as well as the standard urinals. Toya pushed the door open and stepped in. He didn’t want to embarrass Akito by immediately calling for him, so he just observed.

It was silent.

Toya’s heart rate picked up. He heard it, a muffle of a sound, slightly ragged breathing being cut off.

“Akito?” Toya called out.

Please. Let him be in here.

A voice picked up. “No… I-I’m getting… Changed… Go away, Toya.”

Go away?

…

Toya knew better than to be insulted. Something was wrong here.

There was the whisper of another voice, and Toya felt his blood run cold. 

“You scared of this guy?”

The voice was entirely unfamiliar. 

The stall door was unlocked, and Toya didn’t have it in him to consider if approaching was a good idea, he just went and approached, grabbing the door to keep it open and staring into the stall. Please don’t let it just be some guy taking a shit.

In hindsight, Toya actually would’ve preferred it if it was some guy taking a shit. 

Akito was backed up against the wall, with some guy’s leg slotted between his thighs, holding him up as his arms were pinned back. He was mostly redressed, only missing  his sweater and jacket, but even so… And he had this haunted look on his face, staring at Toya with massive, bland eyes. Completely void of power or passion, but so, so wide and innocent. Terrifying.

“You want a turn with this firecracker or what?” 

Toya didn’t even register as his fist hit the man in the jaw. Or how he tackled him to the ground, got punched in the eye, and kicked the shit out of him. When Toya came back to, he was already far away from those restrooms, down some random street dragging Akito along by the arm. 

He stopped as soon as his vision unblurred.

“ ...My head… ” Toya mumbled lightly, stopping in his tracks. He loosened his grip on Akito’s arm, eyes widening slightly. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t…” 

He trailed off, looking at Akito’s expression, his expression that spelt nothing but guilt. Toya couldn’t understand why. He had a lot of questions, but that one was the most nagging in his mind.

He let go of Akito’s arm, taking the sweaters and the jacket from the once fiery boy and helping him put them on. Poor thing must’ve been cold as Toya dragged him down the block. Then, he gently sat Akito down with him. facing him and letting Akito lean against him instead of a hard wall. 

“Akito…” Toya mumbled, unsure of what to say. Are you okay? Obviously not. What happened? Toya basically saw. I’ve got you? That’s weak assurance. Nothing felt right to say, nothing at all, yet somehow, what escaped his mouth was the last thing he wanted, but a question nagging in his mind. “Why didn’t you fight back?”

What an awful thing to say. Toya knew it was as soon as it escaped his lips, a question he tried to push down because he knew it was truly a despicable thing to say in such a situation.

Yet Akito stared back at him with more clarity than before. “I…” He looked less lost in his head, but more confused than ever. “I don’t… I don’t know. ” It came out as a whisper. “I don’t know why. I just– I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t do anything all of a sudden and I just– I just went limp, like I wasn’t in control of my body anymore…”

Toya knew he’d hate himself for what he was going to say, but the dam had already opened. “Then why did you tell me to go away and that you were just changing? If you couldn’t speak, why did you verbally push me away?”

“I…” Akito’s mouth ran dry. Fuck, again with that loose tongue, Toya. He just had to dig himself in deeper. “I don’t…” Akito looked up at Toya and lifted his hands slowly. “Can I– Can I touch you..?”

In a state of delirium and yet he still has a better sense of consent than whoever that grown man was. It left an extremely bitter, almost toxic taste in Toya’s mouth. “Yes.”

Akito reached up shakily, placing his hands on Toya’s shoulders. The grip was light, barely even there, almost ghostly.

“Do you think… Do you think I wanted it?” And if Akito had said these words with a defensive tone, an angry tone, a mocking tone or an infuriating one, this response would have satisfied Toya immensely. Standing his ground, because Toya’s words were definitely inappropriate. 

But Akito’s tone was none of that. It was just… Lost. Like he needed Toya to answer it for him. And that scared Toya more than he wanted to admit.

“I don’t think so.” Toya rushed, “But I want you to explain it to me. Please. I’m scared. ” Such a crybaby, Toya thought, feeling the tears welling in his eyes. Akito’s the one who can be scared right now.

“I’m sorry, Toya– Shit , are you crying…?” More of that clarity returned to Akito’s face. “Hey… Hey, I– I didn’t… Fuck, I just didn’t want you to see me like that…”

…Huh?

“He probably didn’t want you to see him like this.” Kotaro had said.

The context was so different, yet the situation felt so the same.

“I was… It was like–I was saying how I couldn’t move or do anything at all… I felt like– Like I was some kind of doll being played with, and I was just waiting for it to be over, but then– Then you came, and– And it was you, Toya, and you always– You always give me th-the motivation to– To speak up, or whatever, or…” Akito’s hands glided off of Toya’s shoulders and latched onto his own hair. “And all I could think was, was that fuck, I made it so– So far, and I can’t— I can’t let you of all people see me just letting– Letting myself be used like that… Not only is it just–Just humiliating in g-general, but– I wasn’t even trying to stop, I was even listening to instructions –”

“Akito.” Toya whispered firmly. Akito stopped, eyes wide and empty once more, reliving a nightmare. “That’s enough, you–”

“Please, let me finish explaining, I was– I just, I couldn’t– I know it’s stupid, I know I shouldn’t have lost–”

“Akito, seriously!” Toya raised his voice, only to immediately wrap Akito in his arms. Akito flinched back, but settled fast. “It’s okay, I’m not mad. How could I be mad? You didn’t do anything wrong to begin with.”

Akito gasped slightly, slowly wrapping his arms around Toya’s shoulders, clenching the fabric of his coat on his back. “But…”

“No, I’m sorry, Akito. I shouldn’t have said any of that, you know I have that problem where it just… Comes out, and I lose control of my words… I never meant to sound accusatory, I was just worried–So worried about you, just about you, never at you, never angry… I’m sorry.”

Akito had no response other than a muffled mumble that Toya could not make out at all.

“Akito..?” Toya mumbled back, rubbing circles into his back carefully.

“M’ sorry… Sorry , ‘Oya– ” A faint whimper drew from Akito’s lips, muffled into Toya’s chest. Ah, he’s crying. 

“I told you, there’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“You-You got hurt because of me, h-how can I–” Forgive myself. Toya knew his partner well enough to how that sentence ended, but…

Hurt ? Carefully, Toya removed one hand from Akito’s back and brought it to his face. Ow , tender around the eye. And like that, he could only then taste the faint copper in his mouth. He swiped his hand beneath his nose, staring at the red smear.

Holy shit.

“But I won, right?”

“ Wh –” Akito glanced up, shocked out of his panic. “ Yes , you won, but that’s hardly–”

“Then if this is how I look, imagine the other guy.” Toya smiled.

Akito gave him an unimpressed look. “I don’t have to imagine, I saw it.” Right. Akito didn’t forget things like him. “...And quit smiling like that with blood smeared all over your face , you look creepy as hell…” 

Actually, Toya didn’t just look creepy. Akito would now have one image permanently tattooed into his brain; Toya on top of some creep with bruised knuckles, a split lip, a black eye, and a dark, dark look on his face as he wiped some blood from his nose which was spilling out even more red. Of course, the man beneath him looked far worse off, and Akito remembered one thing; Before getting up, a glint of satisfaction sparking in Toya’s eyes. His lips curled upwards for just a second before resetting, but that one second alone was enough to print onto Akito’s brain forever. Smirking, covered in some of his own blood but mostly someone else’s , with a distant, satisfied look.

It probably should’ve been terrifying, and it definitely was to a degree, but in all honesty…

Shit, that was really fucking attractive . And of course , Toya had been completely dissociated for all of it.

“Should I frown, then..?” Toya’s smile didn’t drop, it only got more gentle. Still creepy, Akito shivered.

“We still have a live show, don’t we? You’ve gotta clean up.” Akito sighed shakily. He made no move to let go of Toya nonetheless.

“Are you sure you’re okay, though? We can cancel. It’s more important that–”

“ Normally , I’d say that you’re right.” Akito mumbled faintly. “Or, well, I’d believe it at least… But… I think I’m calm now.”

“...Okay, just take it easy, though.”

“ Okay .”

Chapter Text

After much of Akito’s insistence, Toya had agreed that what happened was between the two of them. Even though they got a lot of questions about Toya’s injuries.

It was good that way; Akito knew to some degree he could tell Kohane, but she would likely never leave him alone again had he told her. She was already getting oddly protective over him, which Akito found quite embarrassing, having the girl defend him on basically every front and try to make things easier for him, like a mother bird or something. But he knew Kohane only meant the best.

But really, for Akito who had been living in a stand-still for several years, a lot had happened far too quickly, and he was struggling to handle it all. Hell, to handle even half of it. Akito had been running around the streets alone since he was, what, eleven? Maybe twelve? Point is, he’s been in plenty of odd situations being out late at night in Shibuya as a kid. His parents never cared where he was, hell , they rarely even noticed he was gone. His father only took note when it was convenient to blame him for something. 

So maybe that’s what had made everything so bad—he just hadn’t noticed it happening, hadn’t noticed it getting bad. Being so young and wandering alone at night near bars, he’s dealt with plenty of drunk women and sometimes even men harassing him or touching him. He mostly ignored it, waiting for it to pass or running off, but it was all piling up on him for years in a sense, causing those breakdowns to occur more and more often with more and more repercussions. 

He wouldn’t take back a thing, though. Being on the streets late, singing until his lungs felt like they had collapsed, weaving through drunken people and listening to live music; it was exhilarating. It made him feel alive, when most days he just felt like a corpse pretending to be alive. The risks of it all, the opportunities, the danger and the good—All of it was addicting, all of it was Akito’s fuel. Even knowing he would scold anyone else for thinking that way, he couldn’t help that feeling. He’d just have to scold himself more, too.

So, no more sneaking off at night alone. He’d only go out at night if a friend or his teammates were out with him. And no more overexertion in practices; he was sure to break that rule, though.

Simple boundaries save lives, right?

If only that made the pain stop.

The ever dull feeling that your brain has gone to mush, that you cannot taste a thing, can’t move, feel and can barely see past the blurry geometry. Feeling like a rotting corpse, barely conscious, barely aware of your own existence…

What could Akito possibly do to fill the void now?

What could he ever do, other than drag the blade across his thigh and watch the crimson bead up in the mark he drew? Other than retrace the old scars to create the beautiful painting of red? Exhilarating, letting the blood rush to his head and make him gasp back to life again.

It just felt too nice. Too warm. Too comfortable.

He loved it. He hated that he loved it.

”Hey… Akito?” Ena knocked on his door a couple times.

”Come in.” The voice that replied was a bit dull, a bit unenthusiastic. 

Ena pushed the door open, peering inside to see her younger brother curled up on his bed wearing shorts and a turtleneck. As always, he was pawing at the sleeves of it. His thighs were fully wrapped in bandages, slightly bloody.

”Jeez, again..?” Ena frowned, shutting the door behind her. “You didn’t see any white, right?”

”I d’nno… It was too red for me to tell.” He mumbled back, averting his eyes. Ena wanted to ask him to stop, to demand him to stop, to make him stop—Yet, from her, it’d only be hypocritical.

”Tell me if you start feeling really faint.” Ena sighed, approaching his bed and sitting down beside him. “…And you know, you can ask me for help…”

”Mmn.”

”You could at least pretend to be appreciative.” Ena rolled her eyes. “Well… If you aren’t gonna stop, maybe at least move to your arms? I don’t think your legs have much blood left at this point.”

Shit advice, but if it helps him live, who cares .

”…Dad would see.” Akito mumbled back. “Everyone would. ’Don’t wanna be known for that.”

”No winning with you, huh…” Ena sighed.

” Nope .” Akito paused, wrapping his arms around his legs before turning to face Ena. “…Was there something you wanted, or did you just have a suspicion that I was fucking myself up again?”

”Is it bad to say both?” Ena stared back, unimpressed. “Really, though. I wanted to ask about the paintings in the closet.”

Ena watched as the color immediately drained from Akito’s face, leaving a shell in his place. 

“…You mean dad’s?” He mumbled, eyes a bit too wide for his tone. “I don’t know shit about painting… Couldn’t tell you.”

”Those weren’t dad’s and you know it, jackass.” Ena narrowed her eyes. “They weren’t in his style, they were more amateur, but they had his technique. And they were signed S.A., which, in case you were unaware, are your initials.”

Akito grimaced, and turned away. “It’s nothing. It was just something stupid I tried.” 

“Something stupid you tried that many times?” Ena raised an eyebrow. “So you also want to be an artist, or what? I get that it’s like, a family thing, but—“

”—But my brush strokes are amateur, I lack the talent and it’s too late for me to build the skill. I should stay in my own lane and stop taking everything from you.” Akito finished with a bitter expression. “I know. I’m not trying to be a painter, so you can can your insults.”

”Jeez, I wasn’t gonna say that…” Well , maybe she really wanted to say a chunk of that, but it’d be untrue anyway. “I was gonna say you’re good at it, or whatever.”

” …Sorry ?” Akito blinked a few times, making Ena laugh from his dumbfounded expression.

”I said it’s good for your skill level. Like, you might be lacking skill, but you’ve got talent, which I would’ve killed for.” She rolled her eyes, but she kept her fond smile regardless.

”I think you’re talented.” Akito replied immediately.

”Yeah, you’re just being nice…”

Really, Akito didn’t know if Ena was talented; she was Ena . Everything she did, she did perfectly in his eyes. She was the example for him, who he should live up to , and he always admired everything she did, even when he didn’t show it. But then she got violent about it, and he realized he couldn’t handle trying to keep up with her. 

But things were different now, weren’t they?

“Mmh… Thanks, I still don’t really wanna paint though… Dad was just telling me to, he was…” Akito didn’t finish the sentence, biting his tongue. Shit, said too much.

”Dad wanted you to paint?” Ena whistled. “Guess you really are talented. It’s gotta mean something for me to be able to spot talent too, right?” 

Ena was only pretending to be fine, Akito could tell.

”I like drawing, and painting, but…” Akito mumbled, “I don’t… When I do that, I don’t feel any passion . I want to make music, that’s… That’s what I want.”

”Mm. You can always just draw as a side-hobby, you know. People can be multi-talented, or multi-skilled or whatever.”

”I wish I could sing like you…” Akito sighed, leaning back.

Ena blinked, looking down at her little brother who she had been arguing with daily only weeks before. How was it that they weren’t getting along for so long? They were so the same—Painfully so, but comfortingly so at the same time.

Maybe that was what scared Ena away. She never really liked herself.

“I’ve only heard you sing a few times, but I think you’re good.” Ena replied softly after a long moment.

”You’re just saying that…” Ah, they really were the same.

”Invite me to your live shows so I can hear you, then.” Ena huffed. “Or like, link me to your album if it’s out.”

Akito stared at her dumbly, before averting his eyes, eyebrows furrowing nervously. He mumbled something that Ena couldn’t hear, curling in on himself slightly more in an almost cat-like manner. 

“Speak up, Aki.” Woah , nickname. Ena hadn’t done that before.

”It’s too embarrassing…” He mumbled slightly louder, avoiding Ena’s gaze. “I won’t have any excuse for not sounding good, I don’t wanna know what you think, for my own sake…”

”I won’t hate it, Akito…” Ena sighed. Since when was his self-esteem so low ? As far as she had been aware, he was always boasting about his goal of beating that music festival he went to, talking with complete belief that he would do it. And he had , she heard.

”I just—“ A small sound came from Akito, whose  face was slightly red and eyes were slightly wet. The sound was a tiny whimper. He’s overwhelmed , Ena realized. He seemed only more and more stressed once he realized that he had made that sound.

”Want some cheesecake?” Ena interjected. Embarrassing her younger sibling was definitely a duty she had, but he was clearly beyond embarrassed and just plain distressed. Ena didn’t really understand how such simple reassurance could confuse Akito into genuine panic, but she wasn’t about to make it any worse.

“...Okay…” He mumbled back. Ena stood up and left the room, going to retrieve the cheesecake from the fridge.

He’d be okay.

Ena traced her finger along her own jagged scars once she was in the kitchen. Really, Ena had thought the attention she’d gain was addicting, the idea of having someone worried about her was all she needed. Now that thinking just felt wrong. There’s people actually struggling, people like her little brother.

…Or maybe they were both struggling, just for different reasons. Ena shouldn’t just blame herself, or she’d fall into the same rabbithole as him. She’d just have to do better to not worry him and her friends.

They’d be okay.

A hand pulled his chin back to stare forward again. Akito coughed slightly, choking on his own spit. A pair of hands pinned his arms back, while another pair grabbed his hips, steadying him onto their knee.

How the hell did he get here? 

Everything just felt like a blur until this point, like his memory was just cutting off, but there was no time to ponder on that when he was being manhandled. The man who was holding his hips—Akito recognized him as the man from the event in the bathroom—slid his hands further down, squeezing Akito’s ass a bit. He bit his tongue, holding back a curse.

“ Mmngh , stop—Ugh, stop , get off’a me…” Akito slurred. God, his vision was blurry, but he couldn’t zone out because those hands slid back onto his hips and directed him, rubbing Akito’s crotch along his thigh. 

This couldn’t be fucking happening. There was no way.

“You asked for this, didn’t you?” The voice chuckled back. Akito scowled. Of course he hadn’t.

…

He hadn’t, right ?

He couldn’t remember at all.

“You love to play the victim, eh?” A chuckle. The man bounced Akito on his thigh again, to which Akito released a raspy moan. He didn’t want to. “You’ve been begging for it, thinking about it non stop and touching yourself to it,” The man whispered, “And now I’ve finally agreed, but you want to blame me still? Is this a roleplay thing you’re into?”

…What ?

It came back all at once. He had been, hadn’t he? He was asking for it all along, and that was how he got here. Now, here he was, acting like some kind of victim despite wanting it. Fuck , he was such an asshole.

“ Mm ..” Akito whined, feeling himself melt into the man’s lap. The man laughed. 

“So are you gonna cooperate, now? Be good.” 

Good , be good, be good… “ Nnngh…G..good… ” Akito nodded shakily, unable to hide the guilty look in his eyes. The next thing he knew, he was pushed back against the floor being stripped down by a blurry face, listening to any instructions given to him. Lift your legs. Spread your thighs more. Now press them together. Good. Good Good good good good good good good good good good–

Who was holding his wrists the whole time, anyway?

He bit his lip, looking up to the hands holding his arms back behind him.

A young girl, probably around eight, looked back at him with a big, amused grin.

What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.

Akito woke up hot, drenched in sweat, tears in his eyes and his pants feeling disgustingly wet. It was that stupid nightmare again, it was always the same –It was always that man again, Akito realizing he wanted it, and then he’d let himself get used until he’d see that girl and wake up.

And every time, he woke up in a sweaty panic. But he also woke up with something sticky coating his thighs and underwear. 

Disgusting. So fucking disgusting. It wasn’t like he was getting off on a kid, after all, she was the reason he woke up… But even so, he was having a recurring wet dream of getting used by some random guy he saw in a bathroom. Why did he act like that in his dream? Akito would never fucking reply like that, so why was that happening. 

He clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle his sobbing. He swore he could feel the hands on him, but now, they weren’t just small hands; there were also large, rough hands too, hand all over his body, trying to pry his thighs away from eachother, dragging across his skin under his shirt, gently squeezing his ass,  tracing fingers across his legs… It was like they multiplied more and more, so many more hands on him now. He was getting better , he thought. It was all getting better. 

He reached down to feel the crotch of his pajamas, only to sob harder upon feeling the stickiness seeping through. He couldn’t fucking handle this. It was so bad, so, so bad, and all his fault, too . What a pathetic sack of shit he was, begging and fantasizing about things only to sob about them later, drowning in his own self guilt.

He wanted to grab the razorblade, but he left the pack in the bathroom, and even if it was on his bedside, he was too busy muffling his sobs. He couldn’t move now, he couldn’t do anything–

Kohane. He had to call Kohane. He promised her, and he’d only make things worse by breaking that promise… And if she was asleep, she wouldn’t pick up and then Akito wouldn’t need to feel guilty. 

He shakily grabbed his phone and inputted the password within several painstaking attempts, tapping the contacts app and inhaling deeply. He was shaking so hard he could hardly trust himself to press the right name, but he didn’t have the energy to care much. He hit call and flopped onto his side, keeping the phone to his ear. 

Riiiiing…

Would she pick up?

Riiiiiiiiiing…

She was probably asleep. Some part of Akito was actually quite relieved.

Riiiiiii—

Beep !

“ H -Hello..? Shinono —- Eh , A-Akito-kun..?” Kohane’s sleepy voice crackled through Akito’s phone. So soft and caring even over the phone in the middle of the night. Akito wanted to cry—Well, cry harder , that is.

Akito cradled the phone to his ear wordlessly, lips slightly parted for a long moment before he suddenly remembered that he was supposed to reply to her, especially given the fact that he was the one who called her . “Kohane…” His voice cracked a bit when it came out. He squeezed his eyes shut, just willing for it all to go away but the hands were still there and please Kohane please start talking so they’ll go away please —

“Akito-kun? What’s going on? A-Are you home?” Kohane suddenly sounded much more awake. How was she able to detect how he was feeling just off of how he said her name..? Kohane really was special.

“...Yeah…” Akito mumbled in reply, twisting uncomfortably as another hand reached out onto him. “...P…Please, keep talking…”

“R-right.” Kohane inhaled sharply, “Uhm… Remember that time we were at Weekend Garage, and you excused yourself to the bathroom but Aoyagi wasn’t paying attention and just started following you?”

Yeah. That was funny . “..Mm….” Akito tried to hum a response, but only felt himself hissing at the discomfort plaguing his body. Kohane’s talking, why isn’t it working? Why is he still feeling it?

“Y-Yeah, An-chan and I were really confused… Oh, that reminds me of when An-chan spilled her coffee all over your clothes and it took a week of her begging for you to forgive her…” 

“ Ah .” Akito did remember that. It was funny, in hindsight. “...She’s…lucky.” Lucky that he was feeling generous . He couldn’t finish the sentence, because it was just too much. They’re still grabbing, still stroking him and holding him down and pulling his hair and— “I feel better now. Thanks, Kohane.” His words came out strained, forced.

“A-Are you sure? Akito-kun, it’s really no bother —” 

Akito hung up.

There goes not feeling guilty . Like the idiot he was, he had to call her, worry her, and then hang up and push her away. He was awful at this, wasn’t he? He was being given so much support, so much love and care and yet he was still getting worse . He never struggled this much before. He was fine on his own. Sure , he cut himself and he had freak-outs and stuff, but it wasn’t so frequent, it didn’t plague his thoughts in his everyday life…

He wasn’t even really aware of his own movements as he clattered to the ground, slowly crawling his way over to the washroom and pulling the door shut behind him. He reached up, knocking several probably important items off of the sink as he swiped until his hand came in contact with the razor. He roughly tore it open and apart, picking the blade out of it and tossing the plastic prison aside. He needed this . He needed this bad , there were just too many hands, why were there more hands? As a particularly large hand began wrapping around Akito’s thigh, he aggressively slashed at it with the razor blade. It had only been two nights since Ena caught him, and here he was mutilating his body again like he didn’t even care. The skin tearing open on his thighs was painful and messy but it fought the hands away, they left, and Akito had learned to appreciate a bit of pain. It was addictive. The feeling was like a mild breeze to him, a person with a high pain tolerance, and it even scared away the dirty, disgusting hands that loved to touch him. He slashed again. And again. And again, but slowly this time, watching in morbid fascination as the skin split in the trail of the blade, first showing white until red bubbled to the surface, beading up and then running freely. Given how massacred his thighs already were, the cuts were easily reopening various others at the same time. It was a mess, it was bloody and it smelled like copper but it was a relief. He repeated the motions on his other leg, slashing open cuts of various sizes.

…He had tried his shoulders a few times before, but he always felt too self-conscious while trying to hide them… But it was clear that the thigh’s wouldn’t be enough. It didn’t matter anymore, he’d find a way to hide them, the hands just needed to be gone. He made two harsh aggressive slices, one for each wrist to force the hands to let go, then began working his way down his forearm from his shoulder. Repeat on the other side. He was really feeling lightheaded now, blood spilling all over the bathroom’s tiled floor, all over his clothing and all over the various furniture in the bathroom. Akito realized with mildly dazed horror that he was going to die tonight. There’s no coming back from this, is there? He had slashed his wrists, for fuck’s sake! Why wasn’t he thinking straight?!

With a pathetic, moaned sob, the razor clattered onto the bloodied, tiled floor and Akito buried his face in his hands, smearing the red all over his clean skin. On his knees, on the floor of the bathroom bleeding out because he couldn’t handle actions of the past even with so many people working to help him. He was such a fool. Such an idiot, and they’d still only blame themselves for it even though he really hadn’t meant to kill himself. He couldn’t even leave anything behind because he really, really didn’t mean for this to happen, it just got out of hand—

“ Akito! Open the door! Someone !” The voice that rang through Akito’s ear was high-pitched and sweet but very, very aggressive. Akito clamped a hand over his mouth, muffling a harsh sob. Everything was swaying, even if he was willing to let her find him, it’s not like he physically could make it down the stairs. “ Someone! Let me in! Let me in, Ena-san !”

There was some creaking from Ena’s room, and then a sudden crash as if something was knocked over.

Ena pushed open her window with an aggressive nudge, sticking her head out of it and staring into the pool of dark that was their neighbourhood street as her eyes focused in on the city street lights, and then on the panicked girl screaming at the top of her lungs by their doorstep.

…Azusawa ..?!

“Azusawa?!” Ena shouted, blinking away her exhaustion the best she could, “W…What’s going on..?!”  

“ Ena-san! Let me in! Please, please !” Kohane’s voice was raw from screaming. Ena’s eyes widened, and after a short moment of mild contemplation, she wordlessly took off down the stairs as fast as her legs could take her, almost tumbling to the bottom by accident. She practically threw the door open, finally seeing Kohane up close; the girl had heavy eye bags and eyes blown wide with panic. Her skin was far too pale, and she was shaking far too much. 

“Azusawa-chan, are you—” Ena was about to rush to try to help her, but as soon as Kohane noticed the open door, she dashed inside—practically pushing Ena to the side—and ran up the stairs. “ Hey ! What the hell’s going on?!” Ena was quick on her feet, chasing after Kohane who was barging into Akito’s empty room.

“Where is he?” Kohane mumbled,  glancing around frantically.

“I don’t know, I thought he was—” Ena paused, grabbing Kohane’s wrist. “—Do you smell that?”

Kohane’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment as she inhaled through her nose, but her face dropped as realization dawned upon her. Metal. Copper. Blood . “ Bathroom . Pick the lock.”

Ena nodded, dropping Kohane’s wrist and dashing for her room. She knocked a couple things off her dresser, grabbed the first two bobbypins that entered her line of sight and made a full 180 turn, running to catch up with Kohane who was banging on the bathroom door—

“Akito! Let me in !” Kohane yelled, slamming her fist down on the door.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I d-didn’t— I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry, this wasn’t—”

“ Stop talking and let me in !” 

Ena placed a hand on Kohane’s shoulder. Kohane paused, crumbling to her knees with a shaky breath. Ena didn’t know what was going on, for fucks sake she was only woken up by Kohane screaming on her doorstep , all she knew that her little brother was locked in the bathroom with the smell of blood and her brother’s friend—practically her sister-in-law or something—was screaming and crying to try to get to him.

That would have to be enough, apparently, because someone had to be in clear mind and for once in her life, Ena felt like it would be her. She’d protect them both . With that thought in mind, she grabbed the two pins, twisted one of them down and jammed it into the keyhole, applying some pressure diagonally. She straightened out the other pin with her teeth and jammed it in below, applying pressure to each pin in the lock, snapping the one’s with tension into place until the door clicked open—

“ —Don’t come in, please ! C- Call the ambulance if you want, but don’t look !” Akito’s voice was breathy and scratchy, often barely intelligible per word. Filled with pain and panic.

“Kohane, call 119 and stay out there, okay?” Ena pushed her phone into Kohane’s hands.

“B-But—” Kohane was about to refuse, but hearing more incohesive muttering and sobbing from Akito, she simply nodded her head and began the call. 

Ena, on the other hand, had to push the door open and step inside. She was immediately hit with the potent smell of blood, as well as the red staining the room. Having still just woken up, it took her a moment to focus in on her pale little brother curled up on the floor, shaking intensely and staring at her with enough fear you would think she was an armed killer. Not to mention, his skin… Sure, he was white as a sheet, but more than that he was stained red from fresh blood smeared all over him like a snuff film, the source of it being gaping gashes lining all the way down his thighs, his hips, waist, arms and a defined, deep slash on each wrist. 

There was probably more blood outside of his body than inside. Ena heaved over by the sink, spitting out bile. Suck it up, Ena, you’ve got to keep him alive! It was funny, really, because she remembers considering taking her own life, locking herself in her room and refusing to leave while her little brother would pound on the door, yell at her and beg her to stop. She never went through with it, but she had to realize…

Who exactly did he learn it from? It was a sickening concept; that her brother took inspiration from her own… Shortcomings, to put it lightly. But Ena never really considered Akito as all that admiring of her. He was snarky and distant most of the time, really. 

While said intense act of psychological warfare was taking place in the battle ground that was Ena’s mind, she still had to act fast. She quickly turned away from the sink and grabbed as many towels as she could and began tightly wrapping Akito with them limb by limb. All the while he was continuously screaming and telling her to not touch him, which Ena quickly attributed to one of his episodes. 

As if this whole mess wasn’t enough of a shitshow, the front door swung open perhaps a bit too hard.

“ Why the hell are there cops driving over here ?!” 

…Oh. Their dad came home. He was staying at a hotel in another city for an art conference of some kind, and it had totally slipped Ena’s mind that he was coming home tonight.

Akito’s eyes widened considerably, and suddenly he was quiet as a mouse, completely limp. “Akito?!” Ena shouted, desperately looking for a pulse, which she found quickly. He was still breathing. Good . Thank god…  

Ena heard Kohane spring to her feet and run down the stairs, and then panicked conversation echoing through the house. Unfortunately, despite Kohane’s efforts, she was evidently not able to hold him back and marched up the stairs, throwing the door open—

“What the hell have you done?!” Shinei shouted, eyes wide as he gazed over the bathroom covered in crimson. “Ena, explain this shit !” 

“It wasn’t me , asshole!” Ena cried back, tightening her hold around Akito’s towel-wrapped wrists. “He did this himself!” She felt a little bad about completely outing him like that, but the hospital was bound to do that anyway.

“ M’sorry ….” Akito’s voice was weak and fragile, pain drawing out of each syllable. “Di’n’t… Mean…”

“You save your energy,” Ena’s tone dropped to a much more gentle voice as she looked back to her little brother’s wide, terrified eyes, “It’s gonna be okay. I’ll handle this.”

Shinei’s voice, however, only grew louder as he ran over and kneeled down in front of his son. “What the hell were you thinking ?!” 

“Mmn’sorry, so-s..sorryyy…” Akito’s voice was only getting weaker by the second, losing the panicked edge and falling into a soft plea. “I…I—”

“ —Exactly, you weren’t ! Anyone with a single goddamn thought in their head would know better than to do this shit!” Shinei roared. Ena glared at him, gritting her teeth.

“You’re only making this worse —” Ena paused. Akito wasn’t looking at her or Shinei anymore, he was staring at the ground, eyes dull with tears rolling down his cheeks. His mouth was moving like he was trying to speak, but not a sound came out.

…Luckily, Kohane was actively  leading the paramedics over, who quickly took over the scene by wrapping his body and carrying him off to the ambulance. Ena watched in horror the whole time as they wrangled her little brother—wrangled was being generous. For someone as averse to touch as Akito, it was terrifying just how pliant he was in that moment. Another medic was scolding Shinei who was insisting on something or other that Ena tuned out because to be quite frank she could not give less of a fuck what he had to say about this. 

The whole night, morning and day was a blur. She was interrogated, as was her father and Kohane, but she barely remembered anything that happened… Like, at all. One moment she was at home, then she was in a room, then in a hospital and then home again with no idea what had happened.

“Ena.” Shinei snapped Ena out of her thoughts, bringing her a plate of food. A rare occurrence, usually Akito would end up cooking. “Your brother… They said he’s in stable condition. We can visit soon… But I plan on sending him to a hospital.”

Ena blinked, “He’s at a hospital already, though..?” She paused for a moment, before gasping, “No, you don’t mean..? Dad, rethink this, seriously, it’ll only—”

“Your brother needs psychological help.” Shinei shook his head, “It’s for his safety. He should be at a mental facility.”

Ena’s heart dropped for a second time.