Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Athena Grant Nash is sure of a lot of things. The sky is blue. The grass in green. She’s a police sergeant, a mother, a wife, a friend. She works crazy hours at a job she was born to do, fights for her family with everything she has in her body and loves her husband more than she thought was capable. She was raised on principle, always doing what's right even if it makes her a target.

Had you asked her a week ago, she would have said that she could deal with any situation she encountered. If you asked her today, she would say that she had never prepared for this. Which leads to this question, how does one prepare for death of your oldest child?

The call came in at 9:30am.

“Any available unit, please respond for a wellness check at 460 S Spring St. Caller reports that he is concerned about one of his tenants. He hasn’t seen him in at least a week and thinks something happened to him. I'm working with him now to get information on the resident.” The voice of a dispatcher rings through her radio, a sense of familiarity to it but not a name she can place.

“727-L-30, responding.” Something clicks in her head as she hears the address, a sense of familiarity falling over her as she pulls out of the parking lot that she has been sitting in waiting for something to come through. Sparing a glance down at her halfway finished coffee, she sighs. Three hours into her shift and she hasn’t had a single call, nor has she seen anyone breaking the law. Like the city of LA decided to behave for once this morning. Now Athena isn’t a particularly superstitious person, but she’ll be damned to jinx herself by even thinking slow day. A wellness check is better than sitting in her cruiser twiddling her thumbs.

Wellness checks normally go one of two ways. The first being that the person has changed their schedule and not told anybody, which happens a lot more often than one would think. They get a new job or different hours and suddenly they aren’t where they’re normally supposed to be, and people start to take notice. The second is when someone has passed away. This is normally older people whose neighbors haven’t seen them in a while and call to have someone check in on them only to discover that they passed in their homes alone.

Weaving her way through LA traffic, Athena hopes it’s the first way. Unease settles in her gut as she recognizes the surroundings. The address listed sounds familiar, and the streets she’s driving on are too familiar for her liking. Shaking it off as being tired from the dinner party that Bobby had hosted last night and one too many glasses of wine. The party had gone late, well past 11 and instead of going straight to bed, her and Bobby has stayed up late cleaning so they could relax tonight when they got home.

Athena parks her patrol car in front of the apartment building and suddenly she knows why the address was familiar. This is Buck’s building. Her heart clenches thinking of the youngest member of the 118. She hasn’t seen the boy in almost 4 months when he dropped the bomb that he was suing Bobby for keeping him from work. Now Athena isn’t stupid, she knows that he never meant any harm towards Bobby or the 118. She also knows that Bobby is lying to her when she asks how Buck is doing now that he's back. Something is going on, and she fully plans on confronting Bobby tonight, asking why the firefighter hasn’t been to any of their get-togethers since he started working again and why no one talks about him or changes the subject if his name is brought up. Why a certain Diaz will clench his jaw and mutter under his breath while his eyes look for his son, making sure he didn't hear Bucks name.

It isn’t until Athena walks through the doors that her heart drops into her stomach. Something isn’t right. Her brain is screaming at her, telling her to turn around, call Bobby, have another unit come out instead. She shoves it aside as she sees in the lobby is a short man on the phone, a ring of keys in his hand jingling as he paces a hole in the carpet.

“Sir, my name is Sergeant Athena Grant, I was called for a wellness check on one of your residents.” It’s not a question.

“Officer, thank God you’re here. I’m Gary, the building manager. I’m the one who called 911. I have this tenant who is normally a really go lucky guy,” Athena’s stomach lurches. “He’s always saying hello to everyone and helping everyone in the building out. A few months ago, he just stopped. He would walk with his head down and quietly come and go. He’s like a ghost. I know he’s a firefighter and that he got injured last year but I don’t know what’s going on. This morning, I was talking with his neighbor, and she said that she hasn’t seen him all week. I went up and tried to get him to answer the door, but he won’t do it. Somethings wrong so I called in a wellness check on the guy.”

“What is the tenants name?” The unease coursing through her body turns into full blown dread as he soon as he opens his mouth.

“Evan Buckley. He’s in apartment 403.”

Athena feels the color leave her face and she has to force herself breathe as she hears the name. Taking the key that the building manger wrangled off his keychain, she takes off at a near sprint. Frantically pressing the button for the elevator, Athena reaches for her phone. Just as the elevator doors open, the phone in her hand rings. Bobby the screen flashes. Fear washes through her body. Swiping to ignore his call, Athena searches through her contacts before pressing on Bucks contact. Step-Buck, a joke that May and Harry started one day after one of Bucks grueling days at physical therapy where he crashed on their couch and Athena may or may not have fussed over him like a mother hen. She can still remember the sheepish look the boy had given when they started calling him that during dinner, bowing his head with a pink blush high on his cheeks.

“Hey this is Buck! I can’t come to the phone right now and by that, I mean I’m staring at the screen waiting for the call to end so I can text you what you want. Bye!” His voice rings through her ears and knocks her out of the fond memory playing in her head. Swearing, she presses his contact again, staring at the picture on her screen of Buck holding both May and Harry over his shoulders. All of them are laughing, eyes squinted shut and May’s mouth open in a scream. The picture had been taken during one of the 118s dinner parties before the lawsuit. Hen had taken the picture and sent it to her that night, saying something like “Aww all three of your kids in one picture.” The doors open right as his voice rang through the speakers.

Looking back, as soon as she steps out of the elevator, she knows. Something in her knows that behind door 403, she is going to find Buck. If she had listened to her heart, she would have turned around, called for backup and then called Bobby. That’s if she would have listened to the mother side of her brain.

Instead, Sergeant Athena Grant stands in front of apartment 403, praying that somehow this is all a big misunderstanding, and that Buck will open the door and smile, and everything will be okay. Pressing on Bucks contact again, Athena knocks on the door.

“LAPD. Anyone home?” Radio silence. She tries again. “LAPD. Open up.” Faintly, Athena hears a phone ring through the door. With shaking hands, she inserts the key into the door.

Swinging the door open she wishes that she never responded to the call. She wishes that she never came into work and that she stayed in bed like Bobby asked her to do. The once cluttered apartment is completely bare. Boxes line the far wall, plastic wrap around the furniture too big to disassemble and pack away. Athena feels her heart shatter more as she takes in the space. The boxes are labeled and neatly stacked. Every cell in her body tells her to turn around, to not be the one to do this. The logical side of her knows that whatever she is about to find, she doesn’t want to see.

“Buck baby its Athena. I’m worried about you. Are you home?” Silence. She wipes her hand over her face, tears already falling as she sweeps through the first floor. She looks in every closet and cabinet only to be met with nothing. After clearing the first floor, she shakily makes her way up to the loft. “Buck are you up here?” If she thought the first floor was bare, the loft is absolutely empty. The open space feels huge without the king-sized bed taking up all the space. The closet door is open, a few hoodies and shirts hanging up, but other than that there’s nothing.

Opening the bathroom door was the worst decision she ever made. She should have called for someone else and waited for them to get there, make them confirm what she knows.

“Dispatch this is 727-L-30, I’m going to need a RA unit.” She doesn’t elaborate further as her hand falls away from the radio.

Laying in the bathtub is Evan Buckley. Her sweet Evan Buckley, her Step-Buck. His body is partly submerged in the red water, arm hanging over the side. Athena screams.

She’s not sure how or when she moved but she finds herself sitting on the rim of the tub, Buck’s head cradled to her chest, his stiff hand resting on her lap where she wedged herself against the wall. His body is cold, eyes open but unblinking. The normal bright blue eyes are a dull grey as they stare lifeless in front of him. Brushing his hair off his forehead, Athena places a kiss on top of his head. She starts humming, some off the wall tune that she would do whenever she held a sick baby or crying spouse. Gently rocking him as if he was just asleep and she was comforting him.

Athena Grant Nash has never been silent. If you ask her parents, they’ll say from day one she was meant to be loud and bold. She was born to be heard. If you ask her friends, they’ll say that Athena has always spoke her mind, that she speaks the truth no matter the consequence. If you asked her husband, he would say that she is the most outspoken and witty woman he’s ever met and that she always knows what to say.

Now, Athena is silent. Her entire body is numb, either from sitting in the same position for too long or the grief seeping through her veins. Distantly she can hear her radio, dispatch asking questions, but she can’t make out any words. All she can do is stare down at the motionless boy in the tub. Tears streak down her face as she cradles his head to her chest, dropping into his unruly curls. At 10am, her heart screams as she sits silently.

Athena Grant Nash prides herself in protecting her family. Her children call her overbearing, her ex-husband and husband team up and call her a momma bear, always wearing a smirk when saying the words. It’s a known fact that Athena loves her family and would do anything to protect them. She failed her family.

She doesn’t know how long she sits there, time stopping as she runs her fingers through his hair. She doesn’t hear the front door open, or the voices of her husband and his team calling out in confusion, not does she hear the pounding footsteps coming up the stairs.

What she does hear the startled gasp from her husband as he appears in the doorway. She hears the sobs rip out of him as his knees hit the hard floor. She hears the team running up behind Bobby and knows the second they understand what’s happening. A hand lands on her shoulder, and she flinches. Grabbing onto her boy tighter and pressing her face into his golden curls. Arms wrap around her, prying her away and suddenly she snaps back into focus. She looks up to see Bobby, the love of her life, on his knees behind her staring at Buck’s lifeless body. His eyes are screwed shut; mouth open but no noise leaves him as he clutches his stomach. Her eyes drift to see Hen holding her from falling over into the tub with Buck, her glasses fogged over and sobs heaving out of her as she tries to drag Athena away.

Athena doesn’t go easily; her entire body numb as Hen pulls her from the bathroom and away from Buck. Chimney is sitting on the floor, his head in his hands as he cries, shoulders slumped forward as loud sobs echo though the open loft. Eddie stands at the stop of the stairs, devastation written on his face. He’s taking in the empty loft, and as his eyes drift to Athena he crumbles. Surging forward, she wraps him in her arms and eases them to the ground. The man goes willingly, allowing himself to be wrapped in her arms. His body heaves with the force of his crying, physically jolting the both of them as he struggles for air.

She knows that she’s saying something, can feel her mouth moving but she doesn’t know what she’s saying. Her brain isn’t working, and time still feels funny. She closes her eyes, trying desperately to remove the last 30 minutes from her memory as she holds Eddie close. The familiar smell of her husband’s cologne wafts through the air as a weight settles around her. Hen must have gotten him out of the bathroom. Arms wrap around both her and Eddie, and she feels the shuttering breaths he’s letting out against her back.

Athena isn’t sure who called for an additional unit, but eventually they are interrupted by the 133, their eyes full of anguish as they move everyone downstairs, so they have room to work. Athena sits on the plastic covered couch, Eddie laid out across her lap like a child. She stares out the wide windows, looking at the city that she loves. Chimney must have called her, because when she looks back at the group, Maddie Buckley is sitting in Chimneys lap, staring up the stairs in shock.

Watching them leave with his body is somehow harder than finding him. She watches as they carry him down the stairs in a bag. It’s not until they are out the door that it hits her. Evan Buckley is dead. He killed himself in a bathtub. She found his body. He’s not coming back. Athena feels it sink in. She feels herself start to shake, feels Eddie shift to look at her, feels her husbands’ arms tighten around her. This time when she screams, she’s not alone.

She launches herself up, knocking Eddie to the side as she runs out the door. She’s not thinking as she reaches out and stops the paramedics carrying him and forces them away. She’s distantly aware of the fact that she’s still screaming, begging God to take her instead and to leave her son alone. She hits her knees as Captain Mehta grabs her. She fights against him, trying to get to Buck so they can’t take him away. She feels more hands grab her, dragging her back to into the apartment she never wants to see again. She curls up in a ball on the floor, screaming and crying and pleading. She doesn’t stop until eventually she passes out.

1 year later

“Buckaroo you are in so much trouble.” Athena says as she marches up to his tombstone. In her hand is an envelope, her name in purple ink written in Buck’s messy chicken scratch. “Imagine my surprise when I get home from work today and I see this in my mailbox.”

Inside the envelope is a letter. A letter dated for 1 year and 3 days ago. 3 days before the worst day of her life. 1 year ago today, Athena Grant Nash found her son, who wasn’t her son, but was, dead in a bathtub. 1 year ago, today Athena discovered that her husband and friends had pushed the boy away, leaving him to fend for himself with no one to go to. 1 year ago, today she learned how much they regretted it. Next week will be 1 year since he was finally laid to rest.

He had a firefighter’s funeral, something he made clear he wanted in the single letter he left on his kitchen counter. The firehouse was packed that day, cars lining the entire street as they came to mourn the loss of such a brilliant young man. His team learned of what he did during the tsunami when multiple people he saved that day showed up to pay their respect.

Sitting against his tombstone, Athena looks down at the letter. It’s slightly crumbled from the way she was holding it, protecting the letter against her chest as if someone would take it away. She couldn’t bring herself to open it after watching Bobby grab his and retreating to his office. She heard the shatter of glass from behind closed doors then watched as the doors opened and her husband fell into her arms. Once she got him settled, she grabbed her purse and ran. Ran straight to Buck.

“Baby whatever you put in these letters; I don’t think anyone was expecting it. I think you nearly killed Bobby when he saw your handwriting on that envelope.” Picking a blade of grass, she wonders if across LA, multiple people’s hearts are being ripped out.

She thinks of Hen and Karen, sitting and reading the letter they received. She wonders if Denny is there, or if they will even tell him about the letter. Denny took Buck’s passing personal, sheltering himself away from his family. It took him months to even look at his moms without crying and asking for Buck.

She thinks of Chimney, holding a pregnant Maddie close as they read their letters together. She knows that Maddie is blaming herself, for not knowing what her brother was going through and finally learning.

She dares a thought for Eddie, the poor boy who stayed with Athena and Bobby for six months following Buck’s death. She knows that Eddie got a letter, and knowing her Buck, Christopher did too. She knows that he told them he loved them and that he’s sorry. She knows that Eddie and Chris are on the way to her house, hoping that someone is home.

Tipping her head back, Athena looks at the sky. A brilliant blue shine above and the sun warms her face. A small smile appears on her lips as she thinks about how much Buck loved weather like this. Over the past year, Bobby and Athena finally talked about what they were scared to say before. Bobby admitted that he saw Buck as a son, and the reason he declined letting him back was out of his own selfish desires to keep the boy safe. Athena admitted that she always knew.

The team finally confessed why they were so angry about the lawsuit, and each of them have admitted that they took it too far. It took months in therapy before May was able to vocalize that she missed Buck, saying that she always thought of him as her big brother. Harry for the most part tried to be strong, supporting his family in the best way a 10-year-old can. He pretended that he didn’t cry at night, muffling his sobs in his pillow.

“I miss you baby.” It’s soft, the words getting lost in the wind. With gentle hands, Athena turns the letter over in her hands, its sealed with a sticker of some superhero, no doubt something laying around from when Chris would stay at his apartment. Taking a deep beath, she breaks the seal. As she slides the letter out of the envelope, dread, much like the feeling she felt opening that door consumes her.

Athena,

Hi. I’m not really sure how to start this but here we go, I guess. I’m leaving. This has to be a shock for you and I need you to know that it’s nothing you could have stopped me from doing. You have to know that this was my choice and my choice only. When I came back to the station, I really thought it would be better you know? I really thought that it could go back to the way it was. I’m sure by now you know that it didn’t. I don’t blame them, the 118. I know I’m a lot to put up with, I know I'm exhausting.

I’ve been trying to think of what to leave you with, something that you would be able to remember me by if you wanted too.

I’ve always seen you as a mom, well not always. When we first met, I did not like you. Like at all. But to be fair, I don’t think you liked me much either. After that call, do you remember? It was after I got fired for being stupid again and helped you stop that guy on the motorcycle. That was the turning point for us.

Athena, you helped me grow in so many ways, you allowed me into your home, delt with me after physical therapy and loved me like your own. You let me into your life, and your children's lives and didn't bat an eye, even after everything I had done. You treat me like I'm your own flesh and blood and for that I am thankful. I’m thankful that I met you and that you showed me what it's like to have a mother who cares. I know we talked about my parents briefly but I never went into depth with it. I never wanted to unpack all that. Never wanted to burden you with it.

I need you to know that I tried momma, I tried to hang on, I tried to get better. Ever since the firetruck I’ve been stuck, but if I’m being honest, I’ve been like this for a long time. I know you’ll probably hate me for it but I’m honestly okay with my choice to leave. I’m okay with the fact that it means losing me for you all to heal. I know that it’s my fault you’re hurting in the first place. Take care of them for me, okay? You’ve always been the strong one, the one that can help everyone so I need you to do it one more time okay?

I’ve left my jeep to May; she should be needing it by now if she’s gotten over her fear of driving. I just know that she’s going to do something great. Make sure she knows that it's okay to be scared, just do it anyways.

Since I didn’t have another jeep laying around, I’ve left Harry some money. It’s not much but it should be enough for at least a decent down payment on a car for when he’s old enough. Put it in a CD or something, maybe the interest will help?

For you, I have a necklace. It was once my grandmothers, who gave it to me when she passed. She always said that it would have been my moms, if my mom wasn’t such a “snooty bitch.” It seems only fair for me to give it to you, since you’ve been more of a mother to me than my own ever was.

I love you Athena, I’m sorry I never told you in person. I thought so many times to go to your house, beg for your forgiveness. I don't deserve it.

Don’t mourn me Thena, I’m going to be okay. I know it's for the best.

Bye momma.

Your Step-Buck.

Athena Grant Nash is sure of a lot of things in her life. She knows that the sun comes up in the morning and goes down at night. She knows it wasn’t for the best.

Chapter Text

Okay so this got a lot more attention a lot faster than I thought it would. I have two ideas, one being a rewrite a little less rushed with more detail and two being an alternate version with a happy ending. I want to give this story justice so I’m working on the rewrite right now and hopefully it’ll be up this week. Thank you so much for all the love, I really never expected it!