Archive of Our Own ^beta

Eddie and Chris were back. 

They were back and everything was right with the world.

~

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked, Carla sighed. “I’ll be with this patient for the next two months. I’m sorry but I can’t stay with Chris.” Carla has been assigned a terminal patient going through end of life care. If it was anything else Eddie would complain but having someone like Carla see them off isn’t something he’d want to take away from a person. 

Buck and Chris started setting the table and Buck shot him a curious look. Eddie nodded in a way that means ‘later’.

“Well nothing we can do about it.” Eddie sighed, “We’ll figure it out.” He added.

“Oh, I already requested someone to take over while I'm gone.” She chuckled. “Buck was so excited you two were coming home he called me right after you told him.” The fondness in her voice mirrored what he’d felt. Eddie figured out he liked men. The realization that he only liked men made his head spin. He was back to speaking with Frank and he was finally getting a chance to work on himself. Soon enough he’d tell Buck everything and hopefully not mess everything up.

Eddie let out a relieved sign, his whole body relaxing. Chris didn’t need to be watched as much as before but Eddie and Buck couldn’t leave him alone in their 24s and 48s.

“The temp is trained with everything I am, and they’ve already been given your schedules.” The smugness of being 10 steps ahead of everyone bled through the phone. She’s so earned it. “You don’t understand how much of a lifesaver you are. I love you!” 

“I love you boys too.” She ended the call with a good luck and a goodbye. 

Tomorrow was Monday and Carla said the new guy was going to get there early to meet with them. 

Eddie would be on shift the rest of the day. He was insanely lucky it was Buck me day off and he’d offered to answer any questions. The rest of the evening went off without anything else happening. He’d finally felt like everything was falling right into place.

Buck woke up early and baked fresh muffins, extra incase the temp was also hungry. He was wearing his fourth favorite apron and the curly hair made him look so at home and domestic. Eddie—post realization—tried not to touch Buck more than he usually did. Which led to him realizing they touched a lot; which led to him over analyzing the last seven years of his life. But it was hard to keep his hands to himself when the other man looked like that.

A hand on Bucks waist and a smile tugged on the blondes lips. Eddie leaned in and Buck, guessing what he wanted, Held up the fruit Buck was cutting. Eddie took a bit and watched as Buck’s eyes flicked to his lips. He wanted to relish his effect on the other man when there was a knock at the door.

Making his way to the front door passing and ruffling a tired Chris’s hair he opened to see a man. He looked around Ravi’s age and smiled. “Hi,” The other man started. “You must be Mr. Diaz,” He let out a nervous chuckle. Eddie must’ve looked formal in his uniform because the guy gave a him nervous once over.

“Call me Eddie,” He held out his hand and the guy took it. “Mikey,” he said, shaking.

Eddie motioned him in and Mikey obliged. Chris had gone back into the bathroom after his father messed up his hair and was just now coming out. “Chris, this is Mikey— He’ll be watching you while Buck and I are at work.” Chris was even more upset that Carla couldn’t come back right away. So he did the teenager thing and nodded before B-lining it to breakfast.

“He’s usually a lot more polite than that.” Eddie nearly groaned. Mikey only laughed, “I have a niece around his age. I get it.” When they reached the kitchen Eddie saw Buck and he wanted to cover the man with a sheet. He couldn’t explain why someone else seeing him in this state was so genuinely aggravating. Chris was chowing down, inhaling more than eating.

“Mikey, this is Buck. Buck Mikey.” Eddie looked at the time and he needed to head out if he didn’t want to be late.

“Hi! It’s so nice to meet you.” Buck was holding a tray of muffins. Eddie grabbed one maneuvering around the bigger man to grab his duffle. After a second of silence he turned to see a pink-faced, glossy eyed Mikey.

Absolutely not.

“I-it’s, uh.” He cleared his throat and finally behaved like a professional. “It’s nice to meet you too. Also I'd love one but I'm a celiac.” Buck nodded and smiled brightly.

“I have some gutted free apple strudels.”

“When did you bake that?” Eddie asked. Impressed with the level of his partners friends’ morning accomplishments. “And why?”

“It’s Josh's birthday— he’s ceilliac. Maddie wanted to but she wasn’t feeling well. Called me last night.” Mikey’s blush reappeared as he gingerly took a pastry off the tray. Buck looked at the time and motioned to the muffins. “Take those with you as bribery. At the pace you're going you’re gonna be late.” Buck teased. 

Eddie snapped to attention and plopped an embarrassing kiss on Chris’s forehead. As he passed Buck he realized he didn’t want to leave. The thought of Buck—technically single, attractive, perfect, Buck alone with someone that was obviously into him made Eddie’s skin crawl. Like a lightbulb he remembered how this must look from an outsider point of view. Eddie grabbed the mufflins and pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of Bucks lips. Close enough to his cheek he could use it as an excuse if need be. Buck looks momentarily stunned but it quickly turned into the softest most pleased expression he’d seen on Buck. It took every bit of energy to not book the tickets to their honeymoon on the spot. 

“I love you bye!” He calls back.

He was going to hell.

Eddie spent the whole shift in his head, thinking about the morning, about Buck, about Mikey. He couldn’t shake the way his hackles raised when he saw Mikey looking at Buck—like that. He wasn’t jealous, but he couldn’t deny that his skin crawled at the thought of someone else touching Buck. The idea of someone else being close to him like that made Eddie want to claw his skin off. He’d facetimes Buck between every call and texted him whenever someone wasn’t dying directly in front of him.

It wasn’t rational, but when he was away from Buck, the thoughts just piled up in his head, stacking higher and higher. Eddie knew it was irrational to feel threatened by Mikey, but he couldn't stop it. 

Looking back to the morning he doesn’t think he overreacted. Honestly he might have under reacted. Mikey was around 5 '9 with Curly brown and green eyes. He wasn’t Eddie's type: ie Buck, so he didn’t take note of the man at all. But from an objective standpoint he could see the appeal. He was on the leaner side and had cheekbones up the wazoo. He was very pretty and Buck has never had a definite type so being wary was smart. 

He wasn’t ready to come out, but that wasn’t what made him panic. He was afraid that maybe Buck wouldn’t wait for him. Maybe, while Eddie was busy figuring himself out, Buck would find someone else. He was also afraid maybe Buck saw through his weird claiming attempt and they’re now naked on their bed. They’d bought a new one after Buck told him about Tommy. That plus, Eddie said the entire room needed to be redecorated.

~

“Why?” Buck asked. 

“Oh do you want to be reminded of Tommy?” Eddie asked, sounding more upset than was warranted.

“No. But I'm not.” He argued. 

“Either we change the room or we’re sleeping in the living room.” Eddie and Buck spent the rest of the day going over paint samples, curtains, and other things.

~

Eddie could see it now; once Buck clarifies he and Eddie aren’t together— Mikey would go for it.

Maybe he could get rid of Mikey. It wasn’t like they really needed him. They could last two months without an aid. He knew he was going slightly insane when he’d opened a subreddit about people who’ve been left for the nannies. He’s going insane. He’s not ready to come out, he wanted to take his time getting to know that part of himself more before he shared it with anyone. He wanted Buck to know he was sure about his sexuality and not just using him, ‘As a first.’ or whatever that old dinosaur said. 

Buck and he weren’t in a relationship but maybe he could get Buck to feel content enough to not look for someone else.

Buck was doing the dishes when Eddie’s arms slid around his waist, and the world seemed to slow. It didn’t matter that Buck’s heart was racing in the same way Eddie’s was. It didn’t matter that they’d never spoken about it. Eddie needed to feel him. Needed it like he needed air.

“I keep waking up with you gone,” Eddie murmured, his voice thick with something Buck couldn’t place. He was never this possessive, never this... needy.

But he didn’t let go. He just held on tighter, and Buck’s breath hitched in his throat. Buck had been about to tell his best friend that breakfast was the most important meal of the day but Eddie was taking advantage of the flowy crop top Buck used as a sleeping shirt and his fingers were trailing up and down his stomach. Buck is now remembering that Eddie went to bed shitless, he’s trying his best not to focus on that. Monks in the mountains practice decades long celibacy. 

Eddie was testing his limits, pushing the boundaries in a way Buck hadn’t expected. Every time Eddie’s lips brushed against his neck, it was a question. Every time his fingers traced the curve of Buck’s stomach, it was a plea. He’s just not sure who’s pleading.

“You wanted to make us breakfast.” Eddie sighs and manages to snuggle in closer to Buck.

 Those monks didn’t have this bastard breathing on their neck. Every time Eddie moved his lips it felt like a kiss was being placed on his neck. He had to bite his lips in a struggle not to make a noise as Eddie melted into him, making it obvious he wasn’t planning on letting go. Buck was fully zoned out in a lustful haze when he heard the doorbell ring.

Eddie’s grip doesn’t falter and he groans. It takes a second to release him and shuffle away to the bedroom. 

Buck opens the door and greets a blushing Mikey. The guy is clearly attracted to Buck but he’s been nothing but respectful and professional since they met. He was great with Chris and asked questions Buck didn’t even think of. He'd told Buck he’d be getting a long term placement next and Buck really hoped it worked out for him. He’d taken notes on things whenever they talked.

“Hey, Mikey. How’s your morning?”

“It’s good, how’s yours?” 

Buck tried not to flush at the question. “Great!” He stepped aside letting him in. Today Buck and Eddie had a 24 so he had a small bag with him. Buck told him to help himself and that everything was safe for him to eat. They talked til Chris got up and Buck hurried to get changed.

Getting dressed was made five times more difficult because Eddie kept touching him. 

First when Buck went to their room Eddie had just finished showering and was dressed only in a towel. Buck bit his tongue and was going to get his clothes from the dresser when the other man grabbed his bicep and pointed to the bed where he laid out their clothes. 

Squeezing Buck's arms he gave him a bright smile and started undressing. When they were dressed and in the kitchen Eddie kept holding onto his waist. Either maneuvering Buck or just holding him. 

Buck has never been so flustered in his goddamn life. 

The worst part of it is when they hugged Chris, told him to have a good day and drove to work together. It started out normal until Buck told one too many jokes and all of a sudden Eddie's hand was on his thigh. Thumb rubbing back and forth.

Buck is certain the only reason he didn’t park the car and fuck into the other man until he was crying of overstimulation was that they’d never go to work.

Eddie couldn’t help himself. He really tried to be normal about everything but Mikey was just the start. What if Buck finds someone right under Eddies nose. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t be like this—wouldn’t hover, wouldn’t second-guess every little thing. But the pull in his chest, the tightening in his stomach, was getting harder to ignore. He needed to know. Needed to make sure.

Buck had left his phone on the counter, screen facing up, forgotten in the midst of helping Chris finish up an assignment. The notifications were endless—work group chats, random texts from Maddie and Hen, a couple from Karen, and a few from various people in their lives. It should have been no big deal. Eddie told himself it wasn’t. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something—someone—was off .

He glanced at the door. Buck was still in the other room, trying to figure out if they needed a comma there or not. Eddie picked up the phone carefully, like it might explode at the slightest wrong move. It didn’t take long before Eddie was scrolling through text messages, searching for anything that might confirm the stupid, irrational thought gnawing at his brain: What if Buck was seeing someone else?

There were messages from Mikey, the new temp. Eddie had already felt his stomach churn when he saw the way Mikey looked at Buck—like he and Eddie weren’t committed to each other. Which, yes they weren't but Mikey didn't know that. The texts were mostly professional—about the job, updates on Chris’s schedule, nothing too alarming. But then Eddie came across a contact that made his heart seize up.

"Hey, pumpkin. Can’t wait for brunch."

It wasn’t anything bad , but Eddie couldn’t stop the rush of panic that flooded his system. Was this ‘Sonya’ person flirting with Buck? Eddie could practically hear the quiet, knowing laugh in his head: Of course, Buck wouldn’t even notice, would he?

He had to keep going. There had to be something else, right?

But then—

"Hey, Ed," came Buck’s voice from the hallway, and Eddie’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest. He quickly shoved the phone back down onto the counter, wiping his hands on his jeans like he’d been caught doing something illegal.

"Everything okay?" Buck asked, stepping into the kitchen, a concerned frown on his face.

Eddie forced a smile. "Yeah, just—just making sure the coffee machine’s still working for tomorrow."

"Uh-huh." Buck raised an eyebrow but didn’t seem to care too much. He was too busy pulling a bottle of water from the fridge to notice Eddie’s hands were still trembling. "You know, if you want to borrow my phone, it’s right there."

Eddie just nodded, trying to suppress the anxiety that kept bubbling up. He couldn’t look at Buck. Not right now. He wasn’t sure he could trust himself to not blurt out something ridiculous. Instead, he mumbled, "No, it’s fine."

—

The next day at the station, Eddie found himself struggling to focus, constantly glancing at his phone, wondering if Buck had texted ‘Sonya’ again. His mind couldn’t stop spinning in circles. It wasn’t like him to be like this. It wasn’t like him at all.

But the new awareness, this need to hide Buck away from the rest of the world and keep him as his own—was driving him crazy. Maybe it wasn’t the right time to talk about it. Maybe Buck wasn’t even thinking about him the way Eddie was thinking about him. Maybe Buck would meet someone else, someone who could give him what Eddie never had the courage to offer.

He was still lost in thought when he heard the familiar voices of Hen, Chimney, and Ravi approaching.

"Hey, Diaz," Chimney greeted with his usual grin. "You good? You seem off today."

Hen glanced over, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah, you look like you’re about to pass out any second. What’s up?"

Eddie quickly snapped out of it, flashing a half-smile and trying to ignore the way his stomach twisted. "Just tired, I guess. Haven’t been sleeping well lately."

"Uh-huh, sure," Ravi chimed in, clearly unconvinced. "Or maybe you’re just overthinking something."

Eddie froze. His thoughts must have been louder than he thought. "What? No—"

"Come on, man," Chimney smirked. "I know that look. It’s the same one you had back when you were still in that fighting ring."

Eddie’s heart skipped a beat. He hated that they could read him so easily. "I’m not obsessing over anything."

"Yeah, okay," Hen said, leaning in with a knowing smile. "You sure? Because you were definitely looking through Buck’s phone this morning."

Eddie’s stomach dropped. His pulse quickened, and for a second, his mind went blank. "I—I wasn’t," he stammered, his voice tightening.

"Oh, yeah, you totally were," Chimney teased, clearly not taking Eddie’s discomfort seriously. "We saw you."

"Hold on, what?" Ravi asked, a little more serious now. "You were looking through Buck’s phone?"

Eddie’s face flushed, and his brain scrambled for an excuse. "I wasn’t- It wasn’t- I just-"

"Jesus, man," Chimney laughed, nudging him playfully. "You’ve got to calm down. Buck doesn’t care."

Hen shook her head with a smirk. "Yeah, if anything, he probably wouldn’t even notice. He trusts you. He knows you’re not going to steal his passwords or anything." She paused, then added with a sly grin, "Unless, of course, you’re looking for something specific."

Eddie felt his face heat up, and he clenched his fists. "I wasn’t looking for anything," he muttered, trying to avoid their gaze. He'd only had a few seconds alone with Bucks phone before the other man came back looking for it. The worst part is he'd not learned anything else.

"Sure, sure," Hen said, his voice teasing but kind. "But, uh... maybe next time, just ask Buck about it? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t mind. He’s always up for a long talk?"

Eddie opened his mouth to respond, but Chimney cut him off with a sarcastic tone. "Let me guess, you're making sure someone isn’t texting him, huh?"

Eddie froze. His heartbeat drummed in his ears. "What? No, I—I just..." He couldn’t keep it in. The words spilled out before he could stop them. "I just don’t think Buck is telling me something."

"Whoa, whoa," Chimney cut him off, eyes wide. "Wait a minute. Are we talking about Buck here? The one you’re practically attached to at the hip? What could he be doing that you don’t know about?"

Eddie opened his mouth but couldn’t form a sentence. He was attached to Buck. In ways he hadn’t fully admitted even to himself. And now... now they were all staring at him, and his gut twisted with a mix of embarrassment and frustration.

"Come on, Eddie," Hen said, her voice softening, "If you’re this worked up, maybe it’s time to talk to him. I’m sure Buck’s willing to tell you about anything you ask him."

Eddie let out a slow breath. Maybe they were right. Maybe it was time to stop second-guessing and just tell Buck what had been eating at him for so long.

But for now, he was still terrified. Terrified that when he said it out loud, it would change everything. And he wasn’t sure he was ready for that.

Eddie isn’t the most tactical guy in the world. A quick hug here, a high-five there is all fine and good but he’d discovered something about himself in the last few weeks. 

He needs to touch Buck.

His skin feels itchy and clammy whenever the other man is more than a few feet away from him. He’d started the touching to make Buck want to stick around but all it’s done is make Eddie want to bury himself under Buck's skin. Which is why when he woke up on a late Saturday morning to Buck already dressed and about, it kind of pissed him off. What pissed him off even more was Buck was dressed to leave the house. 

“Where are you going?” Eddie asked when he wandered into the kitchen where pancakes were made and laid. Not minding that Eddie was immediately in his personal space or shirtless or pissed off, Buck gave him an excited smile; “Hanging out with a friend today.” He said and passed Eddie a coffee from the Hildy he’d accidentally reset. Eddie blinked and stared at the other man. Buck, finally getting the hint, elaborated; “It’s my friend Sonya! I’ve definitely told you about her.”

Sonya. He felt his back straighten and his eyes twitch. He should have fucking known. This was entirely his fault he’d been too relaxed in regards to his partner, he wasn’t being clear enough about what he wanted. He knew that he had to communicate with Buck but he kept letting his fears take hold of him. Now Buck was going on a date and with fucking Sonya and he was more terrified of Buck leaving him then anything else.  

Before he could stop himself he calmly placed the cup of coffee onto the counter and noticed Chris walk through the door and get himself food. “Morning.” he mumbled. 

“Morning,” Eddie and Buck answered in unison. “Buck, follow me I think I broke our drawer.” Eddie lied and made his way back to their room. 

He heard Buck’s footsteps follow behind him with a confused, “Okay?” It made sense given that usually Eddie was incharge of household repairs. Eddie held the door open for Buck who walked up to the drawers; “Which one is–” 

He started to ask but stopped when he heard the click of a closing door and he turned when the lock made a similar sound.

“Eds–” Was all he’d managed to get out. Eddie’s lips were on his, his fingers lacing through Buck's fingers as Buck felt his own rap around the other man’s waist. He couldn’t pull away with how close Eddie was holding him and holy shit, he didn’t want to. 

They were at it for so long there was heaving breaths between long kisses. Eddie releases his slightly painful grip making the bigger man whine in protest. “Take it off,” Eddie demanded as he clawed at Buck’s jacket. Without even a moment of hesitation Buck obeyed and felt his cock strain at the attention Eddie was giving him as he undressed.

Eddie was getting impatient and once Buck’s pants were down his thigh he pushed the bigger man down on his bed. 

Climbing onto Buck lab, Eddie straddled the other man while kissing down his neck. “Are we going to— mmh— talk about—” Eddie bit down on his shoulder, “If your still talking i’m not doing my job right.” Eddie whispered. “Because it is my job.”

He grinded down onto Bucks rock hard dick, smiling as the blonde bites his lips to keep the volume down. One of Eddies had snakes around his neck and tightened his grip until Buck was looking at him. “No one else gets to touch you. Hell, baby if I had my way you’d be chained to this bed for the rest of our lives.”

Buck was nearly incoherent, only taking shallow breaths and Eddie continued pressure wasn’t helping him keep quiet. “Do you understand?”

“Ye— ah —yes!” Buck was nodding emphatically. 

“Good. I’m going to need you to cancel that date for me.” Eddie nipped at his ear but it was like the room popped back into reality. Buck couldn’t help it, and Eddie looked back to him when his shoulders started shaking.

“What’s so funny?”Eddie asked, voice tight. “Wait!” Buck said in between sharp laughs, “You think– I’m dating— Sonya?” 

The laughter was getting louder and Eddie felt his irritation turn into confusion. “I– I saw the texts.” 

That only seemed to egg the other man on, “Eddie! Stop talking, my sides hurt!” Buck was clutching his sides as he laid down on his bed huffing in air. “Buck. This isn’t funny.” Eddie was going through a rollercoaster of emotions and he knew himself well enough that anger was the last stop. Buck seemed to finally be getting a hold of himself, both hands flying to grab onto Eddie's thighs as the unamused man tried to get off him. “Eddie, baby, wait.” Buck giggled, not letting him stand.

Eddie glowered down at Buck who was smiling like he’d just won the fucking lottery. “When you left for texas I befriended Sonya–” He started and tightened his grip when Eddie squirmed. 

“She and I started a little book club and talk about them during brunch.”

“That sounds like a date.” Eddie said defensively.

“I might be inclined to agree that it's a little suspicious, but given that she’s over eighty and I look identical to her grandson. I don’t think I'm her type.”

Only silence could possibly follow that statement. Buck's smile grew wider, the redded Eddie went into dawning horror. “Oh my god,” Eddie leaned into Buck, hiding the embarrassment in his shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry.” His muffled voice whined. One hand remained on Eddie’s thigh as the other ran up and down his back in a soothing motion. 

“I’m going to call Sonya and tell her I can’t make it, I think we should talk.” Buck hums.

“Do we have to?”

“Do you love me?”

Eddie lifted his head to look at Buck, it was obvious he knew. Even more obvious he knew he knew. “So much it hurts,” He adjusted himself in a way that managed to get them closer to each other.

“Then yes,” Buck smiled.

Eddie waited for a couple seconds; “Are you not going to say it back?”

Buck barked out another laugh and wrapped both arms around Eddie's waist. “I love you some much, Eddie. Everything about you is fucking ethereal, sometimes I wake up terrified that you were too god to be true and I’d have to keep living without you and Chris in my life. I would do anything you ask of me because making you smile brings me more pride than any other accomplishment.”

Eddie just sat there, he couldn’t move. Fuck he wasn’t sure if he was breathing. Buck waited patiently as Eddie gathered what he wanted to say; “Fucking show off.” 

Buck looked like he was going to add something so Eddie was the only thing that managed to shut him up. Once their lips met again he knew he wasn’t going to be talking for a while.