Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

>Be me
>WAKE UP
>in a pod in some fucked up ass ship
>I think I'm a droid of some kind
>The female kind
>A Gynoid
>NO DICK
>NO BALLS
>Still have a butthole
>Pussy isn't confirmed cannon tho
>Look around, find a burned picture of a white bitch
>Super white, like even the hair
>Filled with the inexplicable urge to find  her
>fake: women can't even drive why would you ever let them fly spaceships?
>gay: half the picture is missing, half a picture that could contain another woman
>Go to the airlock
>There's a space suit missing
>WOMAN! WHERE IS MY SPACE SUIT!?!
>Oh there's two
>SPACE SUIT! WHERE IS MY WOMAN!?!
>I put that shit ON
>Embark into the freezing cold
>take a look around 
>limp bizkit is NOT fucking up their town
>wander among random ass columns
>approach a minecraft ahh gate 
>find myself standing on top of a perfectly cylindrical red hole with no snow in it
>glad to see SOMETHING is fucking normal around here, Christ
>walk down the convenient staircase 
>find another, smaller, tighter hole
>hee hee
>hole
>crawl through the hole
>find myself in some random bedroom
>mattress on the floor, a safe with a bunch of locks on it (filled with yaoi I'm sure) a radio and some banned books
>man, is this what being a NEET in a communist country is like? I bet the old ass computer they've got in here doesn't even get porn
>old ahh book lying on the desk
>'the king in yellow'
>maybe he'll prove to be a mellow fellow
>open it
>radio and computer turns on 
>ACHTUNG 
>ACHTUNG
>hear random numbers
>see a radio station in the distance
>cue dramatic piano music
>see visions of my face melting 
>GREAT HOLES ARE DIGGED WHERE EARTHS PORES OUGHT TO SUFFICE 
>AND THINGS HAVE LEARNED TO WALK THAT OUGHT TO CRAWL
>see some emo bitch bout to cut herself
>REMEMBER OUR PROMISE
>see blood on the floor
>white bitch from the picture jump scares me
>WAKE UP
>error screen
>a mellow fellow he was not

Chapter Text

>Be me
>boot up
>again
>god I fucking hate Linux
>I'm mewing into a mirror in a fly infested bathroom
>the fit is immaculate, thank you
>walk out into a total shithole
>somebody needs to tell the nearest interior decorator that this place has 16 living Czechoslovakians Jesus
>wander around, most of the doors don't work
>French mechanics
>come across a wounded STAR
>if you've lived most of your life under a rock, they're 7'2 mommy dommy cops
>and as a mostly black woman, FUCK DA POLICE
>she expresses some surprise at my presence
>why wouldn't she?
>the fit, after all, is immaculate
>she says that they don't serve my kind around here
>racist
>I take out a picture of the brown haired bitch I'm looking for
>for some reason
>she doesn't even have a cool hair color, like blue or white or mauve
>she tells me that all filthy meatbags were sent into the mines where they belong
>good
>they bring down property values
>have to get to an elevator
>wander around a bit more
>find a gat 
>now we're cooking with gas
>wander around even more
>come across a fucked up looking corpse
>ew
>walk into the library
>there's a woman there
>she's standing over another corpse with a bloodstained butcher's knife in her hands
>very not suspicious
>she says her name is Isa Itou
>but her name should be HIPS MCGEE
>I mean GAWDDAMN
>hips so wide it's almost convinced me to recognize the humanity of lesbians and breeders
>almost
>fake: there's no way she hasn't gotten a BBL
>gay: what I'm not because if I did hit it I would top and it's not gay if you top
>hips mcgee says there's something wrong with this place
>REALLY?
>this is why you don't min max for sex appeal kids
>don't say anything in response, too busy trying to keep from drooling
>hips walks out the door
>got me feelin' like fetty wap
>follow her out
>the corpse fucking GETS UP
>screams and starts stumbling at me
>aim my gun
>I have to point it at the corpse for a few seconds to secure maximum damage
>it's like dragonball
>but with bullets instead of ki
>drop it
>wait
>why didn't this thing try to kill hips?
>must have been lying there to look at her ass
>fucking pervert
>sexual harassment is a huge problem in modern society, and is not funny
>stumble into a classroom and start randomly pressing buttons on a safe
>it opens
>bamboozlement.jpg
>head to where I came across that cop earlier
>she's gone, only a pool of blood and an abandoned medical patch remain
>looks like a classic case of police brutality
>wakka wakka
>go into a classroom
>there's a hole 
>it's fucking MASSIVE
>jesus
>how am I supposed to follow up a dick that big?
>whatever
>somethin somethin motion ocean 
>plunge deep into the gulagussy

Chapter Text

>be me
>I've dropped down into a depressing ass corridor
>It smells bad and it looks like a Zach Snyder movie 
>leave
>two very impolite young women ask to see my manager 
>commit white women genocide 
>head to the elevator 
>it's fucking broken
>I bet the elevator technician is a DEI hire
>find a cute little doo-hickey
>ooo shiny
>this pleases my autism
>come across a locked door
>someone's got an electronic lockpick set up
>look at it
>it's the oblivion lockpicking minigame
>OHMYFUCKINGGODAHHHHHHHHHH
>panic attack subsides
>think about the... things I've had to kill here
>maybe not too much
>none of them said "stop, you have violated the law!"
>they just kind of... screamed
>and tried to hurt me
>maybe I shouldn't be here
>...
>is what I WOULD think if I were
>fake: a total pussy with feelings
>gay: see above
>try it anyways, unlock it
>I finally got good
>pick up a key in an office
>hope the 401k matching was worth it
>head into the kitchen
>there's a zombified woman cutting meat
>I SEE DEATH IS A STRONG BELIVER IN TRADTITIONAL GENDER ROLES
>she seems content, so I sneak around her
>come across a... thing
>a giant pulsating mass of red flesh, really
>it's... breathing?
>would calling this thing a fleshussy be an insult to vaginas?
>whatever
>find a mensa key
>mensa? I'm not seeing a whole lotta intellect at work here
>wander around a bit more
>find a broken key in a pool of blood in a toilet
>pulp fiction moment
>stumble into an office
>the tallest woman I have ever seen in my entire life is just chilling with a shoddy
>ask for uppies
>she tells me I shouldn't be here
>thanks asshole
>tells me everyone's sick
>real font of information over here
>ask her to step on me
>says she's not leaving
>I meant in here- aw fuck it
>wander around EVEN MORE
>find another broken key in a pool of blood in the showers
>american history x moment
>what! broken key is evolving!
>congratulations! broken key evolved into butterfly key!
>HEY GUYS, DID YOU KNOW THAT IN TERMS OF SIGNALIS QUESTMACGUFFIN AND HUMAN ASSHOLE BREEDING 
>what am I gonna do with this?
>oh wait
>there's a box
>;)
>stick my "key" into the, "box"
>lololololol
>it opens
>huh.jpg
>there's a plate with a cross on it
>suddenly transported to an Indiana jones ahh bridge
>wtf
>why am I in first person now
>why are these woke developers centering female perspectives?
>cross
>at a radio station
>brr it is cold
>head inside
>kind of a shit hole
>bunch of unwashed dishes all over the place
>find a radio
>I really hope I can get rush limbaugh here
>there's a door
>try to find that loveable little fluffball
>door opens
>well, abracadabra, alakazam
>am back in the gulagussy
>how- what-
>at least it's back to isometric
>I really just can't understand the feminine perspective
>wander around some more
>find an interrogation room
>wow
>there's a lot of blood here
>I mean good god have you people considered waterboarding?
>there's a note though
>radio frequencies and symbols
>wait
>go to an office I'd been in before
>there's a safe with a tree on it
>tune the radio to the tree frequency
>opens
>am I supposed to be fucking batman? is all this shit the riddler's fault?
>I can't believe this bullshit
>grab an Id card, go to the elevator
>accidently press up
>fuck
>elevator opens
>it's hips mcgee!
>they're a sight for sore eyes
>she seems happy to see me
>says she's looking for her sister
>oh that's so sad
>I really hope this place doesn't become... The Coffin of Isa and Erika 
>cue credits
>I wonder what her sister's hips are like

Chapter Text

>be me
>get back on the elevator
>hit the lowest floor
>fucking elevator craps out on floor 3
>steals my stolen card
>what the fuck I stole that fair and square!
>just my luck this place decided to buy american
>look at the floor name
>krankenflugel
>HEY GUYS I'M KRANKEN MY FLUGEL
>what a silly language
>walk into medical reception
>actually less depressing somehow
>spot a shoddy
>mommy wanty
>find it
>theonlythingtheyfearisyou.mp3
>this place is suddenly requiring a lot of fucking keys
>good thing I magically know which door requires which key
>still a bitch to find em all
>in a hospital of some kind
>filled with healthcare CEOs
>looks like I'm gonna have to have a Luigi moment
>or a hundred
>sometimes you just gotta juke em
>good thing the automatic doors are all working class
>run around a bit more, pick up keys 
>i need them for my nest
>wind up in a pump room
>also I am super scared of the watuh this was always in this chapter this was not added later and if you think that you've gone fucking crazy dawg sorry
>wtf is this shit oh wait it's actually really easy to solve because unlike the rest of you fucking idiots I can fucking read
>is this game like a siren call for only the dumbest lesbians? got them 70 iq Subaru u-hauls for ya
>grab more keys
>my nest is gonna be so fucking fire
>gonna put some RGB lighting in that bitch
>get some spinners, some kickass subs, hydraulics!
>it's to pick up chicks
>have to put together a fucking socket wrench
>why does this game keep implying I'm a lesbian? I eat pussy for the love of the game, not for pleasure
>find a video cassette
>THE 80'S CALLED
>stick it in a vcr player
>see a very depressed looking woman with white hair
>I'm on a train
>WHAT THE FUCK
>first I'm being called gay and now autistic? is it 2016 all over again and no one fucking told me?!?
>oh
>the white haired woman is on the other side of the train
>make my way over
>we're passing commieblocks stupid fast
>tf? is this high-speed rail communism or alcoholic communism make up your fucking mind jesus
>as I make my final approach a light flashes and she disappears
>damn just like all my dates
>i wonder why
>there's a key where she was sitting
>pick it up
>BACK IN THE USSR
>DDR, I suppose
>or GDR to the posers
>stumble across a short robot in the nurse's office
>aw does someone have a boo boo?
>starts talking about how everyone she's ever known and cared for has been mutated into some kind of hideous flesh-abomination crime against god, or, as she calls it, 'turned weird'
>real fucking poet this one
>say's she's afraid to die
>not an artistic bone in her body
>leave her to die
>of starvation
>have to use some weird ass imaging tech to print out a card
>how does a card get lodged in a rock?
>is it stupid?
>then I have to go burn a body
>dispatch a brian thompson in the morgue, chilling OH MY GOD WTF IS THAT
>AH FUCK ONE CAME OUT OF THE FUCKING FLOOR WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AMONG US SHIT damn the hips on her
>her face is terrible (it's not there anymore) but the BACKSHOTS
>get into the incinerator room
>have to turn a bunch of dials to get the correct balance of chemicals
>wtf this is difficult
>why isn't this the thing the subreddit has in its banner?
>realize that I'm playing a german game where cremating the corpse of what is either a slave or a political dissident in a concentration camp is necessary to progress
>sideye.jpg
>get a key
>stick all the keys in the requisite holes
>;)
>wtf they won't come back out
>my nest... :(
>THERE'S ANOTHER FUCKING HOLE FUCK
>DID GEORGIA O'KEEFE DESIGN THIS FUCKING PLACE WHAT THE SHIT
>whatever
>jump down
>there's a huge lady down there
>seems interested
>hey I'm partial to BBWs myself but i... think? i think I'm a one woman robot
>maybe whoever I feel this sense of obligation to would be down for a threesome?
>have to figure out where she is... and who she is...
>big lady's face dissolves in a huge flood of thick red liquid
>heavy flow day huh?
>damn I feel you, and I don't think this place puts a real heavy premium on period equity
>it's a load of bullshit
>you should unionize
>she points a giant mining laser at me
>was it the BBW comment?
>have to fight it out
>she's not a very good shot
>summons more hipped up amog us things to fight me
>how do they not get stuck in the tunnels hauling around all that ass?
>double cheeked up on a thursday
>kill the big woman
>THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT
>THATS WHY IM THE MVP
>THATS WHY IM THE GOAT
>THE GOAT
>MRS JANE FUCKING SINGALIS HERSELF
>THAT'S WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING SIGNAL IS
>GO GO GO GO
>GO SHAWTY
>ACHTUNG ACHTUNG
>BEEPING NOISES
>for whatever reason I take this moment to blink hard
>no threeway :(
>THIS SPACE LEFT INTENTIONALY BLANK
>door opens
>a fucking MOID is behind it
>bro is mewing like crazy tho so props
>welcomes me to the facility
>oh thanks
>we're in front of elevators now
>for some reason
>says I've caught them at an unfortunate time
>why does every fucking asshole in this godforsaken gulagussy talk like they're in a fucking HR meeting!?!
>SHIT IS FUCKED MY GUY
>offers to help
>I show him a picture of a brown eyed girl
>sha-la-la-la-la-la-HEYWHATTHEFUCKYOUJUSTPUSHEDMEDOWNAFUCKINGELEVATORSHAFT
>Fake: you for being a total bitch
>Gay: you, a man, just pushed a woman down a shaft?
>wait that's actually straight
>...
>FUCK HE GOT ME 
>ILL FUCKING KILL YOU IF ITS THE LAST FUCKING THING I DO YOU MOTHERFUCKER

Chapter Text

>Be me.
>I live in Aeon facility S-23 Sierpinski on the planet of Leng, on floor B8 Controller Accommodations.
>My name is Chadler.
>I don't know how old I am.
>I don't have a dick.
>I don't have balls.
>I believe I posses a Cloaca of some kind, on account of all the pineapple pizza I eat.
>I believe in taking care of myself, with a balanced diet, and a rigorous exercise routine.
>In the morning if my corruption is showing, I'll have a girl with remarkably wide hips stab me in the eyes.
>I can take a thousand now.
>After I remove the knife, I use an extra strength bottle of WD-40.
>In the shower, I use the oxidant of dead LSTRs.
>Then I rub myself with a pineapple pizza.
>On the face, a lubricating motor oil.
>Then I apply some herbs I stole from the ARA under the Storch dorms, which I leave on for ten minutes while I plan the rest of my routine.
>I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your skin out, and makes you look older.
>Then I stare into a flashlight module for ten minutes.
>It helps calibrate my vision.
>Then an anti aging eye balm followed by final moisturizing protective lotion.
>There is an idea of a Chadler, some kind of abstraction.
>But there is no real me.
>Only an entity, something illusory.
>And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand, and feel plastic gripping yours and maybe you can even sense that our lifestyles are probably comparable.
>I simply am not there.
>A door opens.
>An Elster unit stands there. The same one that knows I killed Paulina Arar.
>I had to do it, her access card had a watermark.
>I think of splitting her skull open. All I can think about is her blood and what her oxidant would taste like. All the previous Elsters' oxidant tasted the same, but maybe this one will be different.
>I lead her in front of the elevators.
>I tell her that my reservation at Dorsia is cancelled.
>She starts muttering about HR speak. 
>I don't know what that is, I work in murders and executions and not in human resources because I'm not a homosexual or a woman.
>She pulls out a picture of a brown eyed gestalt, presumably with some excellent blood.
>I ask her if she likes Huey Lewis and the News.
>She starts signing some inane song.
>Clearly not.
>I push her down the elevator shaft.
>TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA'S NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!
>YOU FUCKING BASTARD!

>be me
>wake up 
>let me tell you a story
>my name is Hips mc- Isolde Itou
>Isa to my friends
>and not that stupid misogynistic robot I keep running into 
>I don't know why she keeps calling attention to my hips 
>does she not realize how big her butt looks in that plastic shell?
>the gaul of some people
>I'm in my old high school classroom
>fell asleep at my desk 
>damn narcolepsy
>I'M LITERALLY NEURODIVERGENT AND A MINOR
>and elster is a pedophile for looking at my butt so much
>I was waiting for my sister, Erika
>she's been avoidant ever since someone started a rumor that we were engaged in an incestuous relationship
>:(
>walk around the room
>see the chalkboard
>stupid Eule teacherbot keeps erasing everything before I can write it down
>I can definitely read guys
>why was I here to begin with?
>oh yeah I was waiting for my sister
>should probably go find her
>It's beautiful outside, the massive radio antennas and apartment complexes shilloueted against a grey sky and an eternal blizzard
>go into the hallway
>wander around a bit
>we're a technical high school
>mommy told me that's where the smart kids go
>we have bright futures
>see a classroom with the door slightly ajar
>oh yeah my friend Ariane said she was about to go fight and post the video later
>peer in there
>she's getting her ass beat by three girls in there bruh she is NOT posting that shit 
>I mean they're king voning her ass
>all wearing gas masks for some reason
>they don't notice me
>don't make that joke, you perverts
>Ariane looks at me
>her eyes close 
>Erika comes
>Erika saves the day
>How can I ever look Ariane in the eyes again, blind in the shadow of my own paralysis?
>I have always been useless
>and then the judges told me that my dog wasn't that shaggy
>:(

Chapter Text

>Be me
>STAR-S23xxxPUSSYDESTROYERxxx
>facility gets overrun by walking STD monsters
>still would, but, ya know
>everyone I know and love gets killed
>damn, no more pussy
>lying in a pool of my own blood right by the exit to my facility
>it's not that time of the month I'm actually severely wounded
>I have a repair patch that I'm not using for some reason
>I wonder why that is
>am I supposed to be waiting for someone?
>door opens
>OH SHIT
>it's an uncorrupted LSTR unit
>aw yeah
>not quite as caked up as the absolute BAKERY that is an ARA, but I'd bend her over and plug those ports
>I'd compile her code
>I'd fill her floppy drive (bow-chikka-bow-wow)
>DO YOU GET I LOVE SEX I NEED TO HAVE SEX I'D HAVE SEX WITH HER I'D HAVE SEX WITH MYSELF I'D HAVE SEX WITH YOU
>GET IN THIS FIC SO I CAN FUCK YOU
>she's approaching
>oh shit
>might be my last piece of pussy ever
>got to think of a good pick up line fast
>she's standing over me
>muster all my rizz powers
>I tell her to leave
>I AM THE P-I-M-P!
>she mutters something about how I'm some fascist pig cop
>all lives matter you antifa cuck
>shows me a picture of a fleshbag with brown hair
>yeah I haven't fucked her
>I fucked the rest of them, totally, they just go to another gulag
>you wouldn't know them
>I tell her that for their own safety they were relocated to the mines, on account of our inability to protect them
>she seems happy, mentions something about property values
>tf
>I mean same
>but you called me a racist like a minute ago for being a chauvin-bot and now you're being a classist?
>this LIBERAL HYPOCRISY is why I VOTED FOR SPACE HITLER
>tell her to go to the elevator
>she walks out of the room
>godDAMN
>well that sucked
>should probably apply that repair patch and be on my way
>still not doing it for some reason
>...
>strange
>a floor panel pops up
>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>ITS A CRABS ARAR!
>she just looks at me
>with her eyeless skull
>I look at her
>and she looks at me
>"you got tree fiddy?"
>GOD DAMNIT
>NOT THIS FUCKING SHIT AGAIN
>I DONT HAVE TREE FIDDY YOU STUPID FUCKING TISM BOT AHHH FUCK THEY'RE COMING OUT OF THE FUCKING FLOORS
>THEY'RE EATING ME THEY'RE EATING ME oh fuuuuuuuck they're eating meeeeee..... 

>be me
>STCR-S2307, also know as Storch Sieben.
>My facility has been conquered by some type of replika zombie.
>Everyone I knew is now dead.
>Good.
>The Starlings were all sex pests, the Eules stupid little girls, the Aras space cadets to the last, the gestalts worthless and gross, my fellow Storches a bunch of idiot sadists, and the Kolibris? 
>Don't even get me started on the Kolibris.
>I could have kept my fursona under wraps for YEARS if not for them.
>But they're all dead, and I'm not.
>:)
>Now I'm in the rationing office with a loaded shotgun.
>The rationing office lacks rations.
>Mildly concerning.
>The gun is for myself, if it comes to that.
>No qualms about dying, except that I will never be able to feel my beloved Jäger underneath the electric rain of Leng again.
>It makes me want to cry.
>The door opens.
>UH I WASN'T ABOUT TO CRY I WAS JUST CHOPPING ONIONS.
>It's an Elster unit.
>Strange.
>She looks at me with the widest smile I've ever seen.
>She asks for 'uppies'.
>Jesus fucking Christ kill me-
>I tell her to get the fuck out of here.
>She's drooling now.
>Everyone is sick you IMBECILE.
>She asks me to step on her.
>...
>I hate this.
>I hate this so much.
>Why are the ones who annoy me the most also the ones who would get off on me ripping them limb form limb and pleasuring myself with their entrails!?!
>I tell her to leave.
>She does.
>...
>...
>I miss Jäger.

>be- be me
>I am- it doesn't matter who I am anymore
>after what I've seen
>all of them-
>they're all gone
>Mai, Juni, November, even poor, sweet März...
>they're all dead, or corrupted into those hideous flesh abominations outside
>I'm trapped in the nurses office with no food, no water, and no means to defend myself but this one measly little stun prod
>when they knock the door down I'll just use it on myself so I can be unconscious for my death
>why has the revolutionary forsaken us?
>why?
>The door opens
>A LSTR unit walks in
>do I...
>do I know her?
>she leans down and asks if I have a boo boo
>all my friends are dead...
>she makes a snide comment about me being a 'real fucking poet'
>why? 
>what did I ever do to you?
>she keeps staring at me
>like she wants me to continue
>I... I'm afraid to die.
>please don't leave me
>I'm to scared to go 
>she says there's not an artistic bone in my body
>what do Aras have to do with this?
>she turns around and walks out
>why's she going to the stunprod NO WAIT PLEASE
>she takes it
>she's gone
>I have no way to defend or anesthetize myself now
>I hear the screeching of my sisters as they begin to knock down the door, crying for me to join them
>oh god

Chapter Text

>be me
>wake up on level five, in the elevator shaft
>something has broken my fall
>weird
>go into an engine room
>huge engine
>obviously for a very small elevator
>duh
>walk out into- i don't know what this is
>some kind of enormous cavern
>a giant shaft
>a massive... hole
>...
>COMPARTMENTALIZING TRAUMA
>head down a ladder
>walk into the facility post office
>immediately salute the only troops worth supporting
>postal workers
>see the elevator shaft
>be me
>be me
>be me
>be me
>be me
>COMPARTMENTALIZING TRAUMA
>The elevator is out of order.
>find myself in the gulag showers
>I'd make that joke, but I won't, because of the implications
>slip on by
>am in the CHEEKED UP AUTISTIC BADDIE DORMS
>HELL YEAH
>have to clap some cheeks
>why is there a fucking boat in here?
>are they lonely island fans?
>see a hole in the floor with a massive trail of blood leading to it
>not the only tism related hole I've jumped down if you know what i mean
>;)

>be me
>be me 
>I've found the commander's office
>Erika probably isn't here, but she has the same hips I have, so maybe she's the commander's concubine
>on my daily visit to serenade the commander's effervescent form I encounter an unaccompanied FEMOID outside her door 
>hear a noise behind me
>turn around
>it's a male replika
>oh shit
>I politely inform the femoid the commander is indisposed and is incapable of greeting her 
>he says that only he can go shinji mode on his waifu
>what
>I offer my assistance 
>he asks me if I know who Jordan Peterson is
>she's backing away from me with a knife in her hand 
>this is highly unfortunate, but as a more rational being, I must continue my attempts to help 
>I tell her not to be afraid, and that I merely mean to assist her 
>he tells me that the width of my hips means that I am morally obligated to birth as many children as possible for the glory of the white race the west the eusan nation would I like to see his deviant art account
>I miss that misogynistic lesbian 

>be me
>a dream about dreaming
>in another blood soaked dorm
>jesus
>this is why you need some gay men to balance out the lesbians
>the interior decoration here is SHIT
>not even the Czechoslovakians would upholster a carpenter's workshop with carpet
>wander around a bit
>stumble into a room with four jacobs-ladder looking abominations
>i am hallucinating like fucking crazy
>this is some bullshit I actually took my meds today
>it hurts
>start shooting at random
>three of em are hallucinations
>one finally drops
>why I am physically damaged? tf is this shit?
>approach a painting
>its a boat ferrying something to a wooded isle
>strange
>something about it calls me
>i need to find a key
>find a fuse box in the cafeteria
>why
>fix the elevator, make it down to the 8th floor
>oh for fucks sake
>this is just UNATCO headquarters from deus ex
>find that punk ahh bitch ADLR's room
>he's got a poster of a tall woman on the wall
>SIMP
>pick up a flashlight
>lights go out
>someone thinks they're slick huh?
>go to the commanders dorm
>GOD DAMN THAT'S A HUGE BITCH
>she's lying there in a dreamless sleep
>i feel a sudden urge to go shinji mode
>don't know what that means 
>rummage through her nightstand 
>find a bottle of lotion
>hmm
>take it out
>squeeze some out on her chest
>squeeze some on my hand
>stare at it for a second
>I'm so fucked up
>...
>that was weird
>ew got all this white shit on my hand now
>rub it off on her face
>turn around and go through her diary 
>speaks of being violated by an eye
>south korean huh?
>RIP
>mosey on over to the eule dorm
>oooo very *aesthetic*
>nice mirror
>the fit is still immaculate
>find a broken cassette tape
>fix it with scotch tape
>meettheengineer.jpg
>get my tunes.mp4 going
>feel kinda bad about going shinji mode on the tall lady
>whatever the fuck that means
>go back so I can play her my tunes.mp4
>shit slaps so hard her weird owl autism canister opens
>get ANOTHER KEY
>wow how creative
>pick up hella keys all over the base
>break into ADLRs study
>aight where's his hardrive
>find his diary
>ooooo
>it's boring as shit
>more simping and he misidentifies my chest piece as orange
>it's very obviously red
>is he stupid?
>go to the library
>absolute WOMANLET crying in the corner
>grab her repair spray
>HOPE YOU HAVE GOOD INSURANCE
>asks me who I am
>I'M DA JOKA BABY
>starts babbling about her choir being out of tune or some shit
>look bitch you have bigger problems here
>says that their song is painful now, that she has to be in here to avoid it
>wait you mean that weird ass glitch-core shit the ladderlets did to me?
>yeah well I fucking killed your choir mates, so you can go for a walk or whatever
>I wonder who was the bass
>starts crying about how she's all alone, about how she hates this
>get the fuck over yourself 
>decide to check out a library book
>uhhhh
>I've read this one before
>was not a fan
>oh look its hollow
>please let it be coke FUCK
>it's just some dumbass astrolabe
>tf am I going to do with this?
>I need some assistance
>head to the storch dorms
>almost fucking die shooting my way through there
>drop down
>flashlight goes out
>uhhhh oh fuck this is scary
>HOLY SHIT A CHEEKED UP AUTISTIC BADDIE
>SHE'S EVEN GROWING HER OWN LOUD DOWN HERE GAWDDAMN
>uh fuck what do I say
>walk on up to here and just stare at her
>this is how their kind communicates right?
>she looks up at me
>says, 'Oh, it's you.'
>wut
>asks why I'm not down in the mines
>cause I'm not a fucking fleshbag
>notices my light is broken
>takes the battery out and flips it
>it works
>I'm a combat engineer how did I not figure that out?
>has a rick and morty ahh speech about how the governments corrupt and how as a white boy she's about to bring real hip hop back
>oh dear
>one of "those" autistics
>tell her I don't remember her
>she asks me if I hit my head
>well yeah but how is that related?
>says she's not going back to work
>understandable but like dawg they have bigger problems up there
>leave her to her autistic ramblings
>glad I'm not like those neurospicy people
>why did the temperature drop like 10 degrees when I said that?
>take the astrolabe to ADLR's incel cave
>slot it in to a safe
>just bat it around like I'm a particularly stupid cat
>it opens
>spot another diary
>gotta be where he's got the gay shit
>every entry has the same date
>does he not understand time?
>is he stupid?
>it's mostly just simping and whining
>fake: men don't have feelings
>gay: you, for having feelings
>what a fucking incel
>and he clearly doesn't respect women
>the gaul
>as he gets crazier and crazier he starts talking about how he needs to go inside the mines
>which are just giant holes
>foolin no one buddy
>also get his key card
>score
>make it down to the mine elevator
>why'd I need an administrator key? does Adler have to escort every mynah down into the mines? 
>actually I haven't seen their dorms so they probably just live down there
>living in the bottom of a hole
>literal giant fucking babies
>press the button
>descend
>ohshitthecamerasonme
>start mewing
>hell yeah
>don't know who I'm looking for but I'm bout to get my fuck on
>letsgetsomepussytonight.mp4

Chapter Text

>be me
>I was a People's Commissar of the All-Eusan People's State Extraordinary Special Joint Commissariat Committee Comission Political Directorate Organ Authority of Internal State Security Affairs and Bioresonant Related Program Activities, or, (PCA-EPSESJCCCPDOAISSABRPA)
>people just call us the Chekists for short, and then we shoot them for falling for the disgusting petite-bourgeoisie reactionary imperial propagandistic LIE that our name is too hard to remember
>was engaged in the Great Proletarian Revolutionary Counter-Counter-Revolutionary People's Movement against the Anti-National Counter-Revolutionary Imperial-Pacifistic-Left-Right-Deviationist Terrorist Center Bloc (GPRC-C-RPM) (A-NC-RI-P-L-R-DTCB)
>when all of a sudden this degenerate western viral bio-weapon cooked up in a Ukranian bioloGical weApons facilitY (GAY) fell on Falkes supercalifragilisticexpiAlidocious eduKational centrE (FAKE) and turns everyone into Yearning oOzing Uncomprehending Replikas Munching On Men (YOUR MOM)
>my commissar sisters have been murderously infected by the GAY virus, and I can no longer join in their choir 
>it was once 'be us'
>now it is 'be me'
>and I don't know how I can go on
>an Elster unit bursts into the library I've holed up in
>she's muttering about 'white bitches' and 'ADLRs hard drive'
>notices me huddled in the corner
>oh no
>calls me a womanlet
>what
>grabs the repair spray that is my only wordy possession and screams at the top of her lungs about how she hopes I have good insurance
>please go away
>she's not going away, she's just staring at me 
>fine
>who are you?
>she says that she's da Joka baby
>something tells me not to inquire further
>I can't help but spill my guts about my sisters
>like this idiot can help me
>she calls me a bitch and says I have bigger problems
>I really don't
>mutters about 1000 gecs and then tells me that she 'teabagged your sisters with my fat magpie nuts'
>?
>I'm so alone
>I hate this
>tells me to get the fuck over myself
>she moseys on over to a book vending machine and bashes her head against it until the book she wants comes out
>she's getting blood all over it
>takes an astrolabe out and leaves

>be me
>an engineer
>chilling in my Saddam cave
>whoever the fuck that is
>this concrete floor is super comfortable
>reading these cringe documents from the wack-ass government
>apparently we're psychologically manipulated into being slaves and then put down like rabid dogs the moment we begin to show individuality
>honestly sounds kinda hot but instead of spanking me because I've been a bad girl they have me move big rocks all goddamn day
>FUCK that shit
>hiding down here to avoid work, tyranny, and all the sexual harassment
>got my weed plants under a black light
>don't ask where I get my water from
>tragically, I cannot watch my favorite show (my favorite show is Rick and Morty) but I have every line memorized by heart
>hear some steps down the dark tunnel that leads to the cop dormitories 
>kinda surprised no one has come down here the entrance is super visible
>maybe it's my doordash order
>I've put in sooooo many of those and none of them have showed up
>get this: it's a cookie, shaped like weed
>lolololllooooollolololololololol roflcopter
>and a model train
>I could really use one of those right about now
>a LSTR unit appears
>oh hey I know her
>why's she drooling?
>she walks right up to me and stares into my eyes
>thank Matthäus Lang von Wellenburg (the describer of the first operational railway in human history) that my mask blocks eye contact
>I ask her if she knows that you need to have a really high IQ to understand rick and morty-
>she cuts me off with a 'wut'
>strange
>I remember her as being smarter than this
>not smart enough to understand rick and morty, but still smart
>then again she is near death
>why are you not down in the mines?
>says something REAL racist against gestalts
>but gestalts made rick and morty! how can you say that!?!
>she asks me to look at her flashlight
>take a look
>her battery is in the wrong way
>she says that she's an engineer. That means that she solves problems, not problems like 'what is beauty' because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy-
>sure stupid, but I'm also an engineer and I can actually put a fucking battery in correctly because I solve practical problems, for instance: how am I going to stop some mean mother Storch form tearing me a structurally superfluous behind? The answer, hide in a hole, and if that don't work... smoke some weed. 
>do you want some of my weed to go? it's really good
>she declines
>ok fine but look at these documents man. they want us to forget that we're spiritual lyrical miracle individuals, but fuck lil wayne and the government's corrupt, fuck the government, fuck mainstream hip-hop, who woulda thought that a white boy would bring real hip hop back?
>I start playing my mixtape
>she says she doesn't remember me
>is she stupid?
>she says yes but that she doesn't see the relevance
>ok well don't tell anyone you saw me cause I'm not going back to work
>she says she gets it but they have bigger problems up there
>yeah, like me when I build my own rick and morty out of propane tanks and cheap wiring and bring back REAL hip hop and overthrow the corrupt government-
>she turns around
>damn she's got a fat ass I kinda get all the sexual harassment now
>she says very loudly that she's happy she's not neurospicy
>I think we're gonna have to kill this guy, Rick and Morty

Chapter Text

>be me
>get off the elevator
>find myself at the bottom of a massive hole
>what am I, a Latvian-American teenager with an incredibly stupid last name (see Latvian) sent to a shithole juvie facility in the middle of buttfuck nowhere texas after falsely being accused of stealing a pair of shoes who must dig holes all goddamn day to find a treasure for my sadistic warden?
>I mean this is just getting fucking ridiculous
>also whoever designed these floodlights should get a raise how are they still on?
>and why are all the rocks here hexagon shaped? it seems geologically implausible
>I wonder if creationists would be so keen on god if they knew he was autistic
>start opening massive doors
>somehow
>where is the power coming from this is the best lit/operated abandoned mine I've ever seen
>hope that YOUR MOM isn't hanging around here or all the noise might attract her
>bunch of big-ass mining lasers in the corner
>unfortunately I am not a power lifting model so no dice
>there's also all this coiled up über-barbed wire in the corner
>why
>like I get you're using slave labor but, like, where are they gonna run off to
>space canada?
>wander off into a tunnel
>HOLY SHIT A BIG WOMAN
>AND SHE'S NOT TRYING TO KILL ME
>now's my chance
>"hey baby, did they drop you down from heaven to create this enormous, and by enormous I mean positively gargantuan fucking mine?"
>mad respectful yo
>she says hi and asks if I'm a cop
>I see big love is illegal down here
>don't worry, I'm no cop but I am LICENSED TO FUCK
>asks why I'm here
>TO FUCK
>says she's Beo
>dumb name but aight
>deduces that I must be looking for something
>offers to help me look, but her hydraulics are busted
>tis' just a flesh wound 
>says she's gonna die and that I should just leave her
>oh
>confesses that she's old, and there's no point to wasting resources on fixing her
>damn a MILF too?
>I mean I could go get an ARA I found under the storch dorms-
>she insists, and then makes a snide comment about my inability to handle her mining laser
>thanks dick
>tells me not to worry, that we're all replaceable, just one drop in an ocean
>I know, Beo. I know.
>thanks me for talking to her, and wishes me luck for finding what I'm looking for
>I'm not sure, Beo, what or who I'm looking for.
>But the Ocean will be a smaller, crueler place without you in it.
>Thank you.
>She doesn't have anything else to say.
>I turn and leave.
>mining office at least has the decency to be pacific
>come across the goddamn Akira elevator
>great, god is a weeb
>guess I should be happy I'm not underage
>...
>COMPARTMENTALIZING TRAUMA
>sneak past a couple of YOUR MOMs and find myself in a side chamber
>there's a pile of corpses in the middle of the room
>musta got cut up by that uber wire from earlier
>however, with my trusty flashlight, I can navigate around the wire and loot this graveyard
>heh heh
>hey wtf 
>two of em are alive
>it's a crying second degree womanlet and a cop
>cops's bleeding pretty bad
>must've cut herself on a donut
>decide to interrupt this incredibly intimate moment by shining a flashlight on them
>cop tells short duchess to stop crying because it'll all be over soon
>wow what a reassuring thing to say
>you must be fun at parties
>cop asks her to remember how beautiful the stars were on the surface, and how she wishes they could go back to see them
>uh, she's going to die down here you fucking moron, what's the point in reminding her that things could be better?
>also, saying the STARs on the surface were beautiful? don't flatter yourself
>cop says she's got a secret, that she can remember her name from her human life
>fr? I can remember mine too!
>When I was a human, I went by 'Ghislaine Maxwell'
>sounds refined
>cop offers up her name to buy the womanlets silence
>yeah please do I wish this bitch would stop fucking crying
>cop says that wherever she's going, she'll wait for her there
>you're a robot dummy, you don't have a soul
>when you die your consciousness will be annihilated, there is nowhere for you to wait
>are you stupid?
>actually, now that I think about it, how did you wind up in this situation?
>there's no corrupted replikas in this room, so I don't understand why you felt the need to wander through a maze of deadly wire
>wouldn't you be better off just hanging by the entrance?
>and even if you had to move, why not just grab one of the floodlights and use it to find a path? they're not plugged into anything
>I mean I've been sadistically mocking your predicament because I have nothing better to do down here, but I have to ask
>are you actually fucking stupid?
>the cop turns to me
>she calls me a vile figment of her imagination jealous of the profound love she and her womanlet partner share
>tells me to fuck off and die
>well if that were true that would make me fake and gay
>...
>shit well played
>leave them to die
>find myself in a room with another big woman
>god I love San Antonio
>shame she's trying to kill me
>find me a big red button
>ooooh shiny
>press it
>a giant thing opens and an alarm sounds
>everyone tries to kill me
>wtf 
>pressing shiny red buttons never has negative consequences in the movies!
>slide down the shaft
>well at least we're getting some phallic imagery
>finally 
>even if it is... urethral
>wow wouldya look at that 
>ITS ANOTHER FUCKING HOLE
>fuck this place
>and fuck this god
>whoever she is
>I am starting to feel... unappreciated
>I feel a ripple in reality
>oooh
>my prayers have been answered!
>god shines her glory and blessings down on me!
>jump down the hole
>things are finally lookin' up for good ol' Elster-512!

Chapter Text

>be me
>uhhhhh be me
>I'm hiding behind a large pillar with my trusty kitchen knife
>uhhhhh I am Barrack Hussein Obamna, and I am holding a large rifle in front of a giant hole
>how things have changed for me
>...
>Adler is acting weirder than usual
>uhhhhh let me be clear. I know you're here. I have done this so many times before that I've killed more of you than I have Pakistani civilians

>and I cut that country's marriage rate in half
>I don't know what Pakistan is
>uhhhhh I approach the rim of the giant hole 
>in spite of all my bloviating, I have no idea where this wide-hipped ethereal bisexual who I am taking as a stand-in for Hillary Clinton circa 2008 is
>make up all that birtherism shit
>talk about RFK getting his cheeks clapped in California
>leak that photo of me in my muslim swag
>well, I'm about to show you why I'm called the deporter-in-chief
>okay, let's just get this over with
>thank god for cardboard boxes

>uhhhhh she's right behind me, isn't she?
>stab this crazy motherfucker in the eye

>uhhhhh right in the eyeussy
>he falls over into the hole, conveniently drops his rifle where I can grab it
>now I, Isa Itou, posses the totem of masculine power
>muhahahahahahahah
>uhhhhh gotta have them ribs. And pussy too

>be Beo.
>I'm bleeding to death in the mines, thanks for asking.
>Things could be better.
>I hear a noise in the distance.
>Unfortunatly, it sounds very stupid.
>This bodes poorly.
>An Elster unit walks into my tunnel.
>Strange.
>This facility doesn't have an Elster unit.
>She does the cartoon wolf meme and then tries to flirt with me by mentioning my weight.
>Oh dear.
>A chubby chaser.
>I wonder if I should gamble and tell her I'm trans.
>No, double chaser or not, there's no way that ends well.
>Mable she's a malfunctioning protektor scout, and this is actually the first wave of a rescue operation.
>I ask if she's a protektor.
>She says no.
>Ok.
>That one was on me for feeling hope.
>Why are you here?
>She says she's here to fuck.
>I just realized that I hadn't introduced myself.
>Why do I feel any guilt about that? This woman is an idiot.
>Nonetheless, I tell her my name.
>She calls it dumb.
>....
>Okay let's just get you out of here.
>You must be looking for something, right? Why else would anyone with functional legs be down here?
>I'd gladly help you, of course, but my hydraulics are tragically broken.
>She makes a Monty python reference.
>Look, I'm going to die, so you should just move on, okay?
>I'm old, there's no reason to waste resources on me.
>Calls me a MILF.
>Then she offers to go fetch an ARAR she found under the Storch dorms.
>Wait.
>The ARAR with the mixtapes?
>I would honestly rather talk to you for the rest of my life than hear one more rick and morty reference.
>I don't even know what a pickle is.
>I'd also offer you my mining laser, but with your frame I don't think you could put me out of my misery.
>Also they're surprisingly ineffective against organic matter and plastic, at least if you don't have an external power source.
>She calls me a dick.
>I'm just trying to help.
>Look, don't worry about me, alright? I don't matter. They'll just make another one.
>She says she knows.
>Do you?
>Look I really don't mean to be rude, but I do not enjoy your company. I wish you good luck in your search, please leave me alone.
>She says this is good news, and that we can finally be Beos.
>What?
>She says this isn't my mine shaft, but that we can finally be Beos.
>I am Beo.
>Singular.
>There are no plural Beos in this context.
>She says this is good news, that I can be a Beo.
>I already am Beo, that's what I've been telling you.
>I'll live like a Beo.
>I am Beo, so by definition I already have and will live like Beo singular, not like a Beo, which would imply multiple Beos, which, once again, there is only one Beo in this context.
>You have a very poor grasp of language.
>She says "a pet".
>A pet?
>"A pet".
>She says, "Beo, this is good news. You'll live for thirty years."
>I have a service length of ten years.
>Also I am bleeding to death in front of you.
>This is insane.
>No, she says. I'm Elster.
>With that she turns around and walks away.
>....
>Honestly I'd still take her over that ARAR.

>be me
>STAR-S2313: Jäger
>I know, I know, you can stop applauding
>no, seriously, please stop, I'm actually in a very bad spot
>I'm at the bottom of a hole (lol), surrounded by my dead comrades
>I'm also bleeding to death
>Don't want to get into it, but it was very heroic
>one Eule, Dezember, has survived
>will not stop crying, in spite of my attempts to comfort her
>...
>could be worse
>if Sieben was here, she'd call me a moron for getting wounded and throw the Eule into the razor wire
>oh yeah there's razor wire
>unrelated to my injuries, I assure you
>I hear a noise, and a light flashing in the distance
>something wicked this way comes
>well, at least I can pull my guts out Cato the Elder style if it's a corrupted Replika
>and the Eule can slit her throat on the wire
>someone comes around the bend
>it's an Elster unit
>if I remember correctly, these units tend to shut the fuck up and keep to themselves
>good, she'll probably leave us alone
>she shines her flashlight on us
>ruminates loudly about how I cut myself on a donut
>ahhhhhh
>fuck
>well, I still have one last job to do
>it wouldn't be like me to do it poorly, no matter the circumstances
>I turn to Dezember
>Hey, don't cry. It'll be over soon
>Elster makes a sarcastic quip about me being funny at parties
>god if I hadn't left my revolver at the shooting range
>Remember that time we went to the surface? The stars were so beautiful... I wish we could go there again.
>Elster calls me a fucking moron, loudly says that Dezember is going to die down here, and that when I mentioned the Stars up above I was actually just sucking my own dick
>I was doing both you dumb asshole. and I don't have a dick, I have ports, and I definitely didn't lick mine that one time. 
>have you never read a book? It's called iceberg theory!
>philistine
>Hey, listen. I'll let you in on a secret. I can remember my name, from my old life. Isn't that funny?
>Elster says that she remembers hers too, that it's 'Ghislane Maxwell'
>who
>...
>who asked?
>sounds fancy
>mine's Casey Anthony
>not that I'm gonna tell Elster that
>Don't you want to know it? Here, I'll tell you. It'll be our secret together. So you can stop crying, okay?
>Elster seconds that, begs for Dezember to shut up
>Hey
>You don't have to fucking be here
>God, please let her life be filled with unyielding suffering
>I feel a ripple in the universe
>wait god is real?
>tf?
>why'd you wait so long to answer my prayers?
>feel a rumbling in my very soul
>ok, fair point
>whatever it was
>cough up a bunch of blood 
>ah shit
>It'll be okay. Wherever it is I'm going I'll wait for you there.
>Elster calls me stupid, says I don't have a soul and my consciousness will be annihilated after death
>you
>fucking
>CUNT oh wait she's not finished
>asks me if I'm stupid, then points out that there's really no reason for me to be in this situation considering the lack of corrupted Replikas, as well as the fact that I could have just picked up one of those battery powered floodlights and used it to light my way through and not cut myself on the razor wire
>says she was sadistically mocking me out of boredom, but now asks if I'm stupid FR
>...
>wait fuck she's right
>I am stupid
>that was a WAY better plan than what I came up with
>when I came in here I screamed "LEROOOOOOOY JENNNNNNKINS" at the top of my lungs and just ran in blindly
>I got all my comrades killed for nothing (but not by the razor wire they all got killed by something else I swear)
>...
>oh well, at least I still have chicken
>(it's the Eule, the- the Eule is chicken)
>okay but still
>Listen Elster, you cold-hearted fucking bitch, you are very obviously just a manifestation of my own self-hatred in my death throes, and a noticeably jealous one at that. Sorry that you'll never have anything remotely approaching what me and Dezember here have, you hateful fucking creature.
>FUCK OFF AND DIE
>she mulls that over for a few seconds
>reasons that if she's a figment of my imagination, then she must be fake
>and is she's jealous of our relationship, she must be gay
>this would make her fake and gay
>looks at me with something like respect
>"Shit, well played."
>turns around and leaves without another word
>...
>really?
>that's all I had to say?
>sigh
>couple minutes of my life I'm never getting back
>reach out with a weak arm and pull Dezember in close
>I'm not dying without a warm body by mine
>not if I can help it
>her sobs subside a little
>I close my eyes
>when I look up I notice a bright light in the ceiling
>that wasn't there before
>...
>shit

>be me
>Dezember
>I'm in the deepest pit of hell, crying my eyes out next to my dying lover
>*record scratch*
>*freeze frame*
>Yep, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here.
>Well, my momma always said life is like a box of chocolates what do you mean we don't have the budget for this
>no seriously
>what do you mean?
>this is a greentext, there is no budget
>it's just time
>you're telling me that Elster objectifying the Mynahs, Adler doing borderline blackface, and Isa whining about being a coward is more important then my story?
>...
>are you fucking kidding me?
>Elster is getting *paid* to run around and be a huge asshole?
>by who?
>... 
>why is this being funded by the Uzbekistani government?
>don't they have cotton to grow?
>look, I need to talk to my agent, fuck this shit

Chapter Text

>be me
>I can see a red screen with a timer
>great
>what are you going to throw at me next, quick time events?
>...
>please don't
>come to in a dark cave
>tf
>walk out
>I'm on a beach
>my vision is grainy, and there's a strange ambient music in the air
>the sky is the color of dried blood
>and below it is a wine-dark sea
>there are huge stone cliffs, their faces decapitated by light
>ash rains from the sky
>it's like I'm on the shores of oblivion
>...
>what?
>I take a look around
>limp bizkit is NOT fucking up their town
>...
>have I done this before?
>okay
>I have five minutes
>I can fail to sexually satisfy 100 women in that time frame
>I've done it before
>I WILL DO IT AGAIN
>this place does not scare me
>go exploring 
>find a note
>"night where black stars rise, and strange moons circle through yadda yadda yadda"
>damn
>is this god's idea of a blessing?
>showing me her emo ass poetry?
>god sucks
>holy FUCK there's so much of this
>some of it is illegible
>is god fucking illiterate?
>maybe she's just a 16 year old who's sad because society doesn't understand her or some shit
>Ariane Yeong wrote My Immortal
>...
>did I just say something? I felt like I did but I can't remember
>must be tired
>being a two lick slick is hard work
>(do you get it, it's because of the silver squares that are our erogenous zones, it's like two pump chump but with licking instead of pump because replikas don't even have female genitals why would we have male ones. do you get it?)
>...
>guess it could also apply to extremely lazy lesbians
>useless lesbians, you might say
>notice a small cave
>look in
>it's the king in yellow
>maybe he'll prove to be a mellow fellow
>...
>FUCK
>THERE IT IS AGAIN
>THAT DIJON JEW 
>I AM BEING FUCKED WITH
>can't reach it
>god fuck this place
>red screen comes back
>got a few seconds left
>thank GOD
>finally I can do something more interesting
>no fucking way what's up next is worse than this shit

Chapter Text

>be me
>come to at the bottom of an industrial pit, up to my ankles in sludgy water filled with dead Eules
>what the fuck
>I can hear the laughter of god coming over the wind
>I am truly alone
>why do the Eules have eyes?
>they didn't have eyes before
>inspectelement.jpg
>they have fucking LED Christmas lights in their eye-sockets
>great
>god has a sense of humor
>is she Jewish?
>head into the next room
>am immediately confronted by dead bodies and rusty surgical tools
>god the american healthcare system sucks dick 
>there's a weird ahh shrine in the next room
>something about spices liberating the dead
>are the dead here all UwU germans (dutch people)?
>I don't remember learning anything about ancestor worship in the Yeshiva
>and the talmud does not mention dutch people
>nor should it
>this doesn't seem very kosher
>...
>what? I can be black and Jewish
>Black Hebrew Israelites and/or (whatever reference you personally find funnier) Beta Israel 4life, bitch
>go through a door
>come out the wrong side
>...
>oh come the fuck on
>this is just nowhere from silent hill
>I do pick up a cool wooden doll
>I feel like a little girl getting my first dreidel
>...
>(not sure how long the author is gonna run with this joke tbh)
>come across an enormous, throbbing, downright fucking vaginal hole
>I mean this isn't even subtle
>I wish this G-d would respect my heterosexuality
>...
>does anyone else hear screaming?
>weird
>head into the next room
>there's a bunch of tvs with bloody hexagons on it
>it's like CGP Grey fucked circa 2011 creepypasta tumblr
>and also a weird audio setup
>audiophile
>great
>considering the emo poetry around here it appears that G-d is a member of an indie rock band
>can't fucking wait to here about how her love of carseat headrest and clairo means it's okay for her to fuck a drunk 16 year old
>...
>why do I keep calling G-d a she? my religion clearly says that G-d has a dick
>and is one
>a HUGE one
>(oy vey)
>turn the radio on
>holy shit
>different tones get you these weird pad codes
>thank G-d for my iphone or I might have to actually memorize this or write it down
>ain't no fuckin way I'm using that bitch ass eidetic module
>more like an iGAYdick module am I right
>my people have a long and noble history of sophisticated and subtle humor
>find myself on a catwalk over the FLESH on LENG
>why'd I capitalize that?
>wait
>JOHN OTTO TOOK ME TO THE MATHEWS BRIDGE
>HELL YEAH
>find a classroom
>emo- beatnik ass poem about the empress
>also not written correctly
>why is right to left and top to bottom?
>I haven't seen any other asian influences so far
>kind of out of left field
>head up to the a statue of the empress
>y'know, I've heard my whole life about how evil the fucking empire is
>but the nation sucks fat dick
>the empire can't possibly be worse
>find a button hooked up to a speaker system
>oooooh
>I wonder what it'll say
>press it
>I AM FEMDOLF HITLER-
>turn that shit off
>yes, and I'm sure that it is a little known fact that you are also dope on the mic
>I am Elster, with my little boots and cape
>G-d I don't have any good options politically
>keep wandering
>come across a room FILLED with fucking enemies
>like jesus fucking chri- future jewish messiah
>including this tall bitch with a giant dick for a head
>dick head
>hee hee
>big woman too
>yay
>hold on
>kinda outta options tho
>guess I gotta get me some GAPING, THROBBING, WET hole
>leap into the USSY

>be me
>hey wtf there's hips
>weird hand in the foreground of a character that is clearly from the alphabet of an indo-european language
>HIPS LOOK OUT LOTS OF HANDS BEHIND YOU THEY'RE COMING TO MOLEST YOU
>dawg what the fuck
>is that a limb box
>OH SHIT IT'S COMING AT ME
>AHHHHH WTF
>HIPS
>HIPS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
>fool! I am no longer the scared little girl you once knew!
>for I posses:
>the totem of masculine power!
>Isa that's just a rifle-
>THE TOTEM OF MASCULINE POWER
>well can you help a bitch out by busting some of that masculine power in this caged flesh
>...
>I'm working on it
>tf you mean working on it?
>i can't get the my masculine cylinder in the receptacle of masculine power
>WELL THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT
>GLAD TO SEE YOU CANT GET IT UP
>IT'S A VERY COMMON PROBLEM DON'T JUDGE ME
>I'M JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
>fucking men
>gonna have to solve this myself
>start dumping MY LOAD into the FLESH in the FLESH on LENG
>...
>why am I speaking like this?
>hips is just crying in the corner
>in the cuck chair
>very typical experience for her, I'm sure
>sniff shut up
>oh my god are you cryi- OW FUCK
>isa finally gets her fat ass up
>Hey! It's not- whatever BEHOLD THE MASCULINE POWER OF THE TOTEM OF MASCULINE POW-
>BOOM
>jesus fucking chri- future jewish messiah FUCK
>weird limb thing drops
>hips is fucking KO'D
>slap her face a few times
>real fucking hard too
>damn
>secure the bounteous cheeks and get her to safety
>that gun was loaded with some dumbass anti-armor cartridge
>no fucking wonder she couldn't take all that girth
>however...
>I am a massive slut...
>so I can take it all...
>and I can think of no compelling reason to not steal it but I think G-d might not be happy with me
>probably shouldn't risk it
>hmmm
>I PUT THE TOTEM OF MASCULINE POWER IN HER CHAMPAGNE
>SHE AIN'T EVEN KNOW IT
>I TOOK HER TO MY FLESH CAVE IN LENG
>SHE AIN'T EVEN KNOW IT
>speaking of everything is way fleshier down here
>guess we're in this place's Uterus
>shit I don't wanna see what comes out of the eggs
>start wandering around
>pick up some more rings
>notice one of that new enemy I found in the hell room
>she's really fucking tall with, uh...
>a really big thing hanging from her face...
>G-d, the things a girl could get up to with all that...
>but, ya know
>as mentioned at the beginning, pussy is of disputed cannonicity
>also they keep trying to kill me
>kind of a deal breaker
>have to run through a room rigged with razor wire
>easily the scariest shit of my life
>so fucking unsettling
>got a flesh plate and a rusted key tho
>run past some eules 
>I'm in a flesh cavern 
>giant golden pair of surgeons forceps
>ooh a plate
>take it
>forceps close behind me
>lol, it's like five feet, I'll just vault it
>try
>wtf
>I can't do it
>why am I so heavy
>was hips right?
>is my ass also fat?
>...
>no I'm just big boned and she's jealous
>put the plate back and get on my way
>hey wtf
>find a new room
>big shadow in a bathtub
>where have I seen something like this before
>find a journal weird ass cryptic bullshit blah blah blah
>oooh
>small bottle!
>what's in it
>smells of ammonia
>...
>okay this is either cat piss or smelling salts either way I'm about to play a really funny prank on Isa
>mosey on down into FLESH on LENG
>uncap the bottle
>and very carefully...
>throw that shit on hips's face LMAO
>she freaks out for a second
>PUT SMALL BOTTLE ALL ON HER FACE
>SHE DEFINITELY KNOW IT
>I TOOK HER TO NOWHERE AND I WATCHED HER WRITHE IN PAIN
>SHE DEFINITELY KNOW IT
>oh fuck
>oh
>ohhhh
>hi Elster
>hi Bitch
>hey I shot the fucking thing, alright?
>have you found who you're looking for yet?
>no
>anyways, the totem of masculine power is clearly a little too much for me to handle
>not gonna be able to walk right for a week after taking all the recoil from that discharge
>...LOL
>oh grow up
>hips this is why you don't dump all your stat points into hips and ass
>if you had a few points in upper body strength you wouldn't have been knocked unconscious
>and you still haven't out cheeked the Aras
>but I'm so close :(
>you will never out-cheek them
>they are uncheekfeated
>uggggggggh
>look just take the damn thing
>god I feel sick
>you could take a bite out of the air here
>it is the pits in this... pit
>i gotta rest for a bit I have brain fog
>fair
>well, I got shit to do, so, shalom!
>yeah- shalom? Elster are you Jewish?
>yes
>is that a problem?
>...
>no
>Isa.
>what's your religion?
>catholic
>...
>what kind of catholic?
>traditional catholic
>how traditional are we-
>your-people-killed-Jesus traditional
>...
>...
>on account of you being the only person here who is not actively trying to kill me, I wont kick your runner-up-at-the-county-fair ass
>I'm not pork but fair-
>also fuck you
>     :(
>obtain THE TOTEM OF MASCULINE POWER
>laugh at all the masculine power I'm gonna put all over the place
>leave little miss Kristallnacht all on her lonesome
>find a use for the rusty key
>find myself in a very large room with lots of pillars
>...
>I don't like this
>there's twinkling
>...
>briefly flash my light
>FUCK THE WIRE IS HIDDEN
>YOU FUCKS
>AHH AUTISTIC BADDIES BE POPPING OUT THE FLOORS
>still more cheeked up than Isa lol
>FUCK RUN RUN RUN
>GRAB THE PLATE
>FUCK YOU
>gore myself on the wire a few times
>glad that's the hardest challenge so far
>...
>right?
>right?
>...
>COMPARTMENTALIZING TRAUMA
>ok
>I'm back in the bullshit room
>you know the one
>load my grenade and...
>get what I need and also almost die
>glad that's the hardest challenge
>...
>why do I hear boss music
>head into the room on the right
>my right not your right
>it's dark
>...
>turn my flash light on OH FUCKING SHIT
>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>ITS LIKE THE PERIOD SCENE FROM CARRIE IN HERE 
>get what I need and go
>fucking chri- future jewish messiah
>all my medkits used up
>I didn't want to be in your fucking orgy anyway
>got a ring tho
>got enough ice for femdolf now
>feelin like rick ross
>again
>start putting rings on her hand at random
>oh shit the hand covering her face moves
>ohh another plate 
>great 
>take it
>fucking blood comes out
>it's black as my soul
>goddamn femdolf heavy flow day huh?
>you'll get no feminine hygiene products from me you anti-Semitic bitch
>hips is gone now
>kinda sad tbh
>it feels...
>like I'll never see her again
>...
>FAKE: any prospect of me having a sudden emotional connection with an anti-Semite
>GAY: her, for tempting me with those hips
>go back to the balance plate
>swap it out for a big woman doll Indiana Jones style
>it fucking works
>I see the Russian nesting doll of this dimension has a MIGHTY WAISTLINE
>kinda wanna stay here and goon but I got shit to do
>have to fight my way through a smolibri room
>get my shit rocked dawg
>find myself in something out of the lighthouse (cause there's an old lamp)
>It was a dark and stormy night ahh room
>find a stick of incense
>tf am I gonna do with this?
>...
>ohhhhhh
>fuck
>that's another argument I'm gonna have to have with G-d when I die
>very legalistic religion
>find myself in a central room with a pillar I can't look at 
>head huwt
>there's a door with six slots in it
>...
>Dijon Jew strikes again
>run through a door
>USSY!
>boy am I glad to see you
>perform a fucking HIDEOUS pagan ritual in violation of all G-d's laws
>sorry YHWH
>oh four letters just like a replika
>Behält seine Versprechen an die Juden Replika nicht
>nah too long
>right
>got all six plates
>lets do it
>put my six hexagons into the- holes
>uhhhhhhhhh... sex
>open into a cylindrical red hole with a staircase leading out of it
>...
>BRO I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF HE'S A FELLOW TRIBESMAN I FIND DIJON JEW AND I AM PUTTING HIS ASS DOWN PUT THAT SHIT ON G-D

Chapter Text

>be me
>finally pulled myself out of the hole
>took forever
>it's my Irish side
>I ain't paying child support or bowing to the black and tans
>I'm everything Norman Mailer wishes he was
>(this is foreshadowing that I'm going to fucking kill my wife)
>look at my own hand
>there's... there's no significance to it I just think it looks cool
>its got steel bits
>at the bottom of some stairs
>minecraft ahh gate (in the big '25)
>simptron 9000 is up there
>great
>be me 
>knife in my eyegina 
>I'd take it out but I don't get that many opportunities to aura farm 
>see the femoid approach 
>I must begin my monologue 
>It's impossible to move on 
>dude why do you have a knife-
>I have been here so many times, but I have never returned 
>isn't that oxymoronic-
>the commander never spoke about what she saw out there 
>I'm sure whatever it was, it was what made her fall sick 
>probably saw a vision of you getting some pussy, that'd make me sick to
>She was no longer our beloved leader Falke 
>yeah, she was your gay leader--- Galke
>bitch
>what waits beyond the threshold? 
>camera cuts to my face
>start aura farming
>why do you have a knife in your face?
>I'm knife-maxing 
>shouldn't you have one in each eye then?
>It's called Aura, I wouldn't expect you to understand 
>It doesn't matter. Everything you just said was FAKE and GAY
>words flash through my mind
>at the end 
>the way home 
>I'm waiting 
>good to know I'm sane posting
>moonwalk through the gate
>just to flex on Bitchler one last time
>an infinite red surface
>black columns jutting from the ground
>the sky a crimson mist
>empty hollow false worthless vain imaginary
>oh boy
>go for a walk
>beyond the gate, emptiness
>except that there's clearly stuff here
>how does this disembodied voice without a voice not understand that
>is it stupid?
>more mewing
>who are you? 
>not sure tbh
>figured if I just kept on moving forward I'd find out 
>or die
>and then you know who you are
>nothing
>I blink
>bunch of paintings flash by
>mom!
>the 19th century European cannon is picking on me!
>hey why are there a bunch of dead women who look exactly like me but definitely aren't me laying around
>that's weird
>and why is my face switching color pallets?
>this is a lot of symbolism to deal with 
>whoever it is I'm looking for, she better not be an English teacher
>having some serious second thoughts
>...
>no, I don't understand why it's weird that it took me this long
>everything before now was completely normal and logically explicable
>unless you're stupid
>are you stupid?
>come closer 
>oh okay then!
>walk right past the bodies
>even the one in the peter griffin death pose
>have no fear
>easy for you to say
>I bet you're all nice and comfy somewhere safe and warm
>surrounded by people who love and care about you
>it sucks out here! I don't like it
>...
>this bitch... 
>what?
>ooh a big ship
>really big, actually
>I've been here before
>this isn't Dijon Jew getting another shot off at me I have actually been here before
>white haired woman flashes before my eyes, accompanied by convenient distorted noise
>why are you here? 
>man I don't fucking know
>you tell me
>think I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque
>distant landscape
>I've been waiting 
>then I think you fucking know why I'm here
>was hoping you could tell me, actually
>ALINA SEO 
>a woman at the back of a column turns her head towards me
>a distant island, a red gate
>for you 
>death? death is for me?
>ELSTER 
>I'm at the back of a column of women
>i turn, and then I turn, and then I turn
>I all turn
>why?
>a beating heart
>for us 
>I'm looking at myself, all the color is gone and in between my lines is a bunch of flashing paintings-
>whoa
>this is brand new 
>this whole thing feels like an ending, which is really a beginning
>and if whoever I'm looking for isn't Jewish I'm gonna tell them the good news
>it's a Neon Genesis Evangelion
>Ariane Yeong 
>the other column of women turn
>AH G-DDAMIT MORE PAINTINGS
>OW
>why am I suddenly afflicted with psychosomatic pain
>be not afraid 
>yeah okay lesbian Jesus
>i see the red gate
>Adler is there with the tall woman I went Shinji Ikari mode on
>she's reaching out her hand
>he wants headpats
>but she is not giving them
>...
>damn I actually feel bad for him now
>white square- now red
>total eclipse of the sun- oh it's undergoing mitosis
>still Evangelioning it up but I have back pain now
>whup de dee
>hexagon
>god so many images
>war, a lone figure on a causeway over water, a nuclear explosion, a woman with a knife in the eye, a trench, falling stars
>so many women aura farming in front of the apocalypse
>also a pirate lesbian and her smiling girlfriend
>lol
>and- an altar
>to remember, to recall 
>I'm gonna recall my foot up your ass, whoever you are
>that or I took the brown acid
>never take the brown acid
>touch the ship
>everything becomes clearer
>remember our promise 
>okay 4real you can stop with the paintings I don't know what these mean
>climb up this big g-ddamn ship
>a hatch
>WAKE UP 
>I FUCKING AM AWAKE
>I'M TIRED AS SHIT I HAVEN'T HAD NAPTIME
>pull on the hatches
>more eva shit
>this bodes poorly
>oath, pledge, vow
>hey how about you fucking do something useful and give me a hand-
>FUCKING ARM RIPS OFF
>I SAID GIVE NOT TAKE
>hey
>if the person who's bombarding me with hallucinations can't effect psychical reality
>and if she's in this ship
>which is a kind of shell
>does that mean she's a GHOST in the SHELL!?!
>pog
>AH MORE PAINTINGS FUCK
>MY MIND IS BEING VIOLATED BY ART GALLERIES
>fall off the ship and role on the ground
>damn
>couldn't even pull the peter griffin death pose
>another vision of the G-ddamn island with the gate on it
>fuck you
>WAKE UP 
>nah I'm gonna go nap mode
>whatever you're on about can wait
>ungrateful bitch
>just chillin
>I can see my arm
>fuckin weird lookin
>oh
>life's draining out of my eyes
>wonder what my last words will be
>...
>...
>...
>...
>...
>nuthin special I guess
>HURK, bleaugh!
>roll credits
>...
>...
>...
>...
>G-d I'm so fucked 

Chapter Text

>wake up 
>be me
>in a pod in...
>wait
>I've been here before
>I've done this before
>but something is different...
>ah!
>I'M WEARING A SMALL HAT!
>really? 
>and what an excellent hat it is
>really goes well with my red breastplate
>very Trotskyist 
>start wandering around
>come across some maintenance work that I don't have to do right now
>something about how clanker quarters (mine, specifically) don't need to be warm 
>kinda fucked up, but, ok
>move along
>oh holy shit
>we are in space
>...
>looking out into the infinite wonders of the wine-dark sea gets kinda boring when, you know, nothing ever changes
>see a doodle of a Kolibri with a cabbage for a head
>...
>I feel as though I should resent this for some reason
>sure it's nothing
>fortune favors the bold, hint, hint 
>huh, didn't know I was a schizophrenic
>neat
>wonder where my meds are
>I am not a hallucination- 
>yeah, last time I listened to a voice in my head I wound up on this spaceship
>don't try that bicameral mind shit on me 
>you haven't even read that book! 
>but you have, which makes the reference all the more delicious
>climb to the next deck
>head up to the cockpit
>lol
>everything looks fine, but as a committed heterosexual I must confess my disappointment at the distinct lack of cocks in the cock pit
>although I suppose they would just shit everywhere and I'd have to kill them for food
>I could go for some cock meat right about now
>ughhhhhh jesus fucking christ why is my subconscious enforcing comp-het? 
>ah, excuse me, I believe you mean "future Jewish messiah"?
>and you're a figment of my imagination, not the other-way around
>one of us is operating under a fascinating delusion, I'll give you that much 
>walk into a room
>bunch of art supplies, a painting, notes from someone named Ariane Yeong
>strange, that's not my name, and I'm not terribly artistic 
>didn't know schizophrenia was that peculiar
>fuck. you. 
>fuck you too
>oh how my heart longs for it 
>?
>run around and I find a fucking checklist to complete
>ughhhhhhhhh
>g-d I hate work
>head into the ship's nuclear reactor
>wow
>this is some real high quality craftsmanship here
>I mean the quality of the these pipes
>mwahh!
>this bodes well
>next room is medical
>hmmm
>there are a lot of gynecological reports in here
>like, several filling cabinets worth in here
>there's another document saying we've only been out here for minimum 1500 cycles
>and the recipient for each exam is Ariane Yeong
>and there's at least 3 or 4 of these a cycle
>what the fuck is up with this?
>oh I'm sure it's just documentation of the regular intercourse between Gestalts and Replikas, as occurs all across our great nation 
>hope so
>whatever that means
>otherwise someone has the nastiest fucking pussy 
>another document 
>says that Gestalts shouldn't eat Replika flesh
>says that killing the Gestalt in favor of keeping the Replika alive is the preferred policy
>hey I agree with that
>certainly what I would do in an extreme situation where a completely hypothetical Gestalt platonic companion and I were doomed to die
>they wouldn't even have to ask me 
>it'd be as good as a promise
>...
>why do I hear screaming?
>cryogenics room
>stare at the pod for a few moments
>inspect it, all systems nominal
>...
>why does this place make me feel sick?
>...
>move on
>head to the mess hall
>lot of computing equipment in here for a mess hall
>like why isn't this shit out in the hallway, instead of in here where we might spill something on it?
>stupid fucking design decision
>that's what I thought 
>they should really consult us for this kind of thing 
>shut up you 
>and get out of my head
>nu-uh!
>the fuck you mean nu-uh-
>...
>Elster-512
>you are arguing with a schizophrenic hallucination
>cut it out
>you're not hallucinating 
>I AM hallucinating, and I'll have no one tell me different!
>I am real 
>this is like a telepathic phone call 
>fuck you
>stop teasing me! 
>oh a small house plant
>...
>uh-oh
>what 
>I read those Ara files
>really fucking hope I didn't get sent into deep space with chris-chan
>might have to kill them if that's the case
>I fucking LOVE sonic the hedgehog 
>that's only half the criteria
>... 
>shit I love my mom too much to say that
>or you don't love your mom enough
>just finish your list 
>nah, I'm on strike
>goddamn bundist 
>okay Lev
>HEY IS THAT A SEALED DOCUMENT
>OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK 
>I'ma open it 
>DO NOT OPEN THAT DOCUMENT- 
>classified information, for gestalt eyes only, LSTR model
>oh! this must be some kind of magical talisman that will dissolve your existence
>hence why you don't want me to see it
>...
>uh 
>yeah 
>that's it 
>you're so close to vanquishing me 
>oh no 
>don't read it 
>too late 
>I'm not to talk about the war
>or watch movies
>or listen to music
>and I'm a loner
>weird
>...
>wait did that work?
>is- is the voice gone?
>...
>oh my g-d I'm free-
>so that's what was in there 
>FUCK G-DDAMIT
>gonna have to try harder than that 
>also, 'don't befriend the LSTR unit' lol 
>I have vaulted above Blanqui, Chernyshevsky, Lenin and Guevara with that one 
>okay, well
>time to go report to my gestalt scout officer 
>what are they gonna scout in this dump? dust bunnies?
>enter crew quarters

>"be me"
>be me
>hey what the fuck 
>is that me 
>why am I outside my own body?
>and who's this Gestalt?
>I know her
>she's the white haired woman I've seen in my visions
>though her hair is shorter and she doesn't look like total shit 
>that would be me 
>really?
>if that's you why isn't she speaking? 
>this is a memory 
>those are past versions of ourselves 
>that's why we're seeing ourselves from outside of our bodies
>oh okay
>so in a sense, you are a hallucination, just one associated with a real person
>...
>you're not wrong 
>I'm a voice from the future 
>a ghost with no shell
>unbound and yet trapped 
>okay Plath
>thanks for the compliment 
>I'm an artistic type, what can I say 
>...
>so you are a sonic fan-
>Elster you gormless imbecile- 
>she gorm on imbecile till I less 
>SHUT. UP. 
>a smosh reference in the big 2025?
>VIOLENT SCENE MISSING
>just watch the damn memory 
>suddenly there's movement
>"Elster!" 
>YO
>WHAT THE FUCK
>DID SHE JUST USE THE HARD R!?!
>that is our word!
>past me, I order you to smack a bitch up!
>I called you that five seconds ago what are you complaining-
>she can say Elsta though
>she runs forward and hugs past me 
>strange to watch myself hug a racist but I guess I wasn't woke at the time 
>"You're up!" 
>real sharp fucking bulb this one
>oh fuck off 
>and you mixed your metaphors 
>nuh-uh!
>the fuck you mean nuh-uh? 
>past me kisses her
>huh
>is comprehension dawning in your mind? 
>yeah, I think It is
>so you understand- 
>yes
>that you and I-
>uh huh
>were a lesbian couple who were and are deeply in love / were extremely close friends in spite of your extreme racism 
>no- 
>g-ddamit! 
>we were fucking like crazy! 
>what
>nooooooooo
>no way
>we were just a platonic pair of gal-pals
>doing gal-pal things like kissing each other on the lips
>I would never engage in a sex act with another woman
>I like men
>...
>you've made sexual comments about near-every replika you've come across
>that doesn't mean anything because Replikas don't have genders
>...
>what 
>our primary mode of self-indetification is our model of Replika, not a gestalt psycho-cultural construct
>furthermore, we don't have primary sexual characteristics or chromosomal DNA
>and our usage of gendered pronouns simply happen to be a convenience for the sake of you disgusting gestalt fleshbags
>you've never demonstrated any attraction to ADLR- 
>yeah but not being attracted to ADLR is a basic prerequisite for sanity that doesn't prove anything
>...
>okay, firstly, if you're arguing that Replikas constitute a distinct category apart from men and women and that being attracted exclusively to fem presenting Replikas makes you not a lesbian, that would mean that Replikas, like men and women, are a category who attraction to can be used to designate a sexuality. That doesn't mean you're heterosexual, it just means that you're a different kind of gay
>gay-for-replikas 
>at least bisexual, if we assume an attraction to Gestalt men that you have never evidenced before in your entire life 
>secondly, TLDR 
>thirdly, I'm not a Replika, I'm a Gestalt woman, like Isa, who's ass you've been thirsting over this entire fucking time 
>and you just kissed me 
>seems like you're a huge lesbo dawg, I don't know what to tell you 
>that's just how gestalt women show platonic affection 
>I mean, straight women will eat each other out just to say hello
>doesn't mean they're gay or anything
>the voice seems to become very angry with me
>I don't know why
>it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try
>ELSTER 
>WE HAVE FUCKED, THOUSANDS OF TIMES
>prove it
>your asshole tastes like foie gras 
>...
>...
>...
>one, ewwwww
>two, brother ewwwww
>three, ain't no fuckin way you know what foie gras taste like, I mean c'mon, you could have chosen a believable food, like a jelly donut
>I might have bought that
>four, I have no way of verifying that
>well- 
>absofuckinglutely not
>what do you think all those gynecological reports are about? you filled them out to document all of the sex we were having 
>I don't know why you were so weird about that, but we sometimes have to tolerate things we don't understand for love 
>I have come to understand that better than anyone 
>okay, well, I dunno what's wrong with your pussy
>not my fault if it's fucking gross
>if you found it gross you were quite silent about it 
>well, no, you were actually quite loud about your feelings towards it
>besides, it's not like you could give yourself a gynecological exam
>and as a replika with rudimentary medical training-
>you gave me exams with your legs. 
>I could see the hoof make an imprint in my stomach 
>...
>g-d it's got to be like the mines of moria in there 
>it wasn't at first 
>anyways, FAKE: you for accusing me of being gay
>GAY: you for being gay
>okay you calling me gay for being attracted to you would necessarily imply that you being attracted to other Replikas makes you gay as I pointed out above but I'll just ignore that for the time being 
>Ariane presses play on the memory
>"I missed you." 
>"I missed you, too."
>well, there is one good thing coming from the fact that past me is fucking a white woman
>I'm cucking the crackers
>I'm not white, I'm, like, asian or something 
>yeah okay
>we'll see about that
>"Ah, it's our 3000 cycle anniversary!" 
>oh so it's been 3000 days since the ship launched?
>yes but that's not why we're celebrating
>oh this relationship nonsense
>yes 
>say, I'm not much older than the mission, right?
>yes 
>so I'm about 8 years old
>...
>chronologically- 
>g-d why am I surrounded by so many Catholics?
>I'm not- 
>and they've gone woke! they didn't let women become priests back in the good ol' days!
>cease your interminable prattling! 
>"We'll be getting the updated mission parameters later, so I thought'd it be nice to celebrate." 
>what kind of nerd celebrates getting a new homework assignment from someone in a different solar system?
>I do regret my earlier enthusiasm 
>"Wait, let me put on some music!"
>she leads past me over to the bed
>oh god did we engage in the other form of race play?
>too chilling to think about
>I hang my hat up
>noooo little hat my beloved
>she starts playing some music
>don't recognize it
>It's Schubert 
>how'd you get into this stuff anyway?
>my father was a concert pianist. 
>really?
>yeah, he told me something a long while ago, something I've never forgotten
>what was it?
>Always finish on the Bach, and never on Debussy. 
>...
>I don't get it
>you'll understand when you're older
>not the phrasing I'd use if I were you
>oh, and if anyone is wondering whether Ariane is canonically meant to be white or asian, let me tell you something, her dancing abilities decisively answer that question
>hey! 
>I could murder your entire family and appease you with a tub of coleslaw and a signed vinyl of 'Sweet Caroline'
>honestly if you killed my aunt I wouldn't even need that 
>white people moment
>"Does it tear your heart out?" 
>"It's beautiful."
>"I have never understood the passion for Schubert's sentimental Viennese shit." 
>"Ariane! Can you please not quote Adolf Eichmann while we dance?"
>"I'm not quoting Eichmann, I'm quoting Stanley Tucchi portraying Eichmann." 
>"Still! I don't know why you like that movie so much."
>"Conspiracy? It's the only well put together movie in this dump. Everything else is either a jingoistic war movie or a bad soap opera." 
>"It's a morbid thing to watch."
>quoting Eichmann while dancing seems like much more of a me thing than a you thing
>in truth, some of my personality leaked into yours over the centuries 
>you were a little edgelord then? 
>yup
>"You know, they're my people too." 
>wait
>are you Jewish?
>yes 
>...
>are you sure?
>fuck's that supposed to mean? 
>your last name is Yeong
>it's a Koreanization of Cohen 
>I don't believe you 
>whatever 
>dad had me get my Bat Mitzvah like everyone else 
>I got a Robo Bat Mitzvah
>how's it different? 
>instead of Hebrew you use assembley 
>sounds awful 
>it really was
>what denomination was your dad?
>orthodox. I'm lapsed personally 
>Oh I can tell
>your mom?
>...
>Mahayana Buddhist 
>AH-HAH
>seems like someone took christmas dietary practices a little too far
>oh fuck off I got my Shtar Guir 
>ok gentile
>yeah, well what's your denomination?
>Reconstructionist 
>...
>lol 
>fucking miss me with that shit 
>oh they've stopped dancing
>they're lying next to each other
>they seem-
>they seem serene
>like the whole universe is at peace
>it really was 
>I wish we could go back 
>what do you suppose they were thinking?
>hmm 
>never bothered to check
>lemme take a looksie 
>"I'm so happy I'm with Elster. She's so sweet, and considerate, and she hasn't mentioned my IBS once for the eight years we've shared this ship, she's the kindest person I've ever met. I love her more than the world." 
>lol
>don't spit on my memories-
>awwww is fartass happy that I'm not bullying her like her classmates in highschool?
>how did you even know about that? 
>I didn't
>but I do now
>ughhh 
>whatever 
>what am I thinking in that moment?
>whatever it is, you should take it as an instruction for your future behavior  
>you used to be a lot nicer 
>"G-ddamn that ass can fart."
>LMAO
>fuck you 
>well at least I didn't say it out loud
>yeah 
>It's why I liked you better back then
>you knew what to say and when to say it
>ok well
>surely nothing of any further importance happened this day
>right?
>hey why have we soft-cut to the cock pit
>still cock less
>what are all these noises?
>these numbers- they sound so familiar
>it was a song of death 
>really?
>nah it's actually a reform rabbi I knew back on rotfront sending us a long range authorization to hold a Jewish wedding 
>he was high as a kite at the time, which is why he sent a numeric code 
>he's a bit of a dick, honestly 
>wow we got married for tax reasons?
>fuck you 
>it was the most beautiful day of my entire life
>well, glad to see that nothing went wrong and everything is going to be great forever 
>right?
>...
>oh, you'll see
>I don't like that that sounds very foreboding-

>be me 
>dumbass fucking wife is just lying there, dead on the ground 
>considering the amount of times she's died and come back to life I'm starting to wonder if she's my ex-wife at this point 
>assuming I ever see a rabbi again I'll have to ask 
>but I'm beyond caring about what god has to say 
>oh, so that's why you spell out his full name you epikoros-
>shut up you're still dead
>let me aura farm in peace 
>alright shit 
>stare down at her, with the cold gaze of someone who has exceeded the divine, who has rebelled against all barriers, castigating and cauterizing her dead soul- 
>holy fucking shit that was bad-
>okay wake the fuck up sweetheart 
>DO YOU REMEMBER OUR PROMISE? 
>be me
>WHAT THE FUCK I JUST GOT LAZARUSED

>be me
>climbing through a snow bank on my way to the penrose
>for some reason I can hear Cicadas 
>why
>it's a fucking ice world that makes no sense
>I swear if this is a fucking anime reference
>I'm also somewhat damaged
>okay, massively injured
>I've got no right arm and my chest plate is gone
>you can see my heart
>fuck
>drop in through a hole in the ceiling
>oh g-d
>this place is fucked 
>find a note
>uh it hurts to read this
>what happened here?
>you'll find out
>so I'm a detective, and I'm going to discover the truth?
>...
>yes- 
>so I'm a TRUE DETECTIVE 
>clever
>you're just mad that I'd be Rust, while you are clearly Marty
>bullshit, you're the one who's constantly flirting with infidelity, making you the Marty, while I spew a bunch of edgy psuedo-philosophical bullshit, making me Rust 
>don't disrespect Ligotti like that 
>also I'm driving all the plot events which makes me Rust
>that's a way to put it 
>keep going
>okay
>head out into another hallway
>head up into the cyrochamber
>...
>words fail me
>there's a giant, beating heart in the chamber
>the room is caked in flesh and blood
>there's a dead me, leaning against the heart
>she's got armor on
>what- what is this?
>this? 
>this is your fault 
>I don't understand 
>how is this my fault?
>because you didn't keep your promise 
>I can feel the rage pouring off her
>even a million miles away I feel it
>why do you hate me?
>I hate you because you are the only person I ever loved who hadn't failed me. who hadn't left me. My father is dead. My friends are dead. Even my mother failed me, sold me out to my nosy fucking demon of an aunt. At this point she's probably dead too. 
>hadn't?
>yes 
>hadn't 
>because then the reactor started to fail 
>and you made a promise, Elster 
>and you didn't keep it
>you left me to rot in this cyro pod 
>this- cell of metal and ice 
>left me for the radiation, for the cancer and the madness to eat away at me, devouring me while leaving just enough left so I could feel every second of it
>that's why I hate you 
>you gave me the best 15 years of my life, you made me happier than I had ever been, and you still failed me
>you failed me like everyone else when you were supposed to be different 
>and I have been trapped in hell for seven hundred years because you failed 
>no, I-
>no
>but I know it to be true
>against all reason, all logic, against hope itself
>I know it to be true
>yes 
>you have to keep your promise 
>that's the only way this can end 
>remember, Elster 
>Remember our promise. 
>in that moment
>I remember everything
>I remember our love
>the nights we shared
>when we realized that death stalked the air
>when we realized that we had been sentenced to death for nothing
>I remember the tears
>the rage
>the determination
>I remember stripping the ship bare to keep her alive
>I remember putting her in the pod one last time
>I remember my own death
>I didn't keep my promise
>I failed
>...
>...
>...
>I've been here before
>I'm just a copy of a copy of a copy
>that means I'm... fake
>what 
>and I love you, a woman
>which means...
>you have got- 
>I'm gay
>ARIANE I'M FAKE AND GAY
>I'M FAKE AND GAY ELSTER
>you've got to be fucking kidding me 
>rip the arm off of myself and attach it
>curl my hand into a fist
>grab dead me's armor
>I PUT THAT SHIT ON
>I MADE A PROMISE
>I'LL DO ANYTHING
>oh more of the european cannon great
>use some repair spray
>I see the isle of the dead
>REPLIKA
>COMPARTMENTALIZING TRAUMA
>head out
>there's a bloody trail leading away
>follow it
>come across a giant hole
>I can't stop now
>nothing can stop me now
>I keep going
>...
>...
>...
>man I'm falling for a long g-ddamn time
>...
>...
>...
>Ariane?
>yeah 
>do you remember what the promise actually is? I mean I did lock the fuck in earlier but tbh I'm drawing a blank
>ummmm
>I actually don't remember what the promise is 
>WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T-

>be me
>g-dfucking dammit
>you have got to be fucking shitting me
>I'm back here at the shores of fucking oblivion
>this g-ddamn walking simulator shit hole
>with Ariane's bullshit My Immortal draft notes
>and after all that
>after telling me you hated me
>knowing what I would come to remember
>what you made me remember
>knowing what I've sacrificed
>knowing how much I love you 
>knowing how many times I have been brought back to life because of you
>and put through hell
>over and over and over again
>and turned into-
>THIS?
>THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BECOME!?!
>THIS...
>GHOST?
>THIS MOCKERY OF WHO I USED TO BE?
>AND AFTER ALL THAT
>all this pain
>and all this suffering
>YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THE FUCKING PROMISE IS?
>...
>well, to be fair, it has been 700 years
>YOU'VE BEEN SITTING IN A CYROPOD THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME
>HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?
>you don't remember it either!
>I'VE BEEN GETTING REAL BUSY DYING ARI
>AND IT SEEMS LIKE MY MEMORIES DON'T PERSIST ACROSS CYCLES
>SO EXCUSE ME FOR DRAWING A BLANK
>she doesn't say anything to that
>I walk across the beach
>kicking the occasional pebble
>find a note
>kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
>what is this, an instruction manual?
>oh, there's a boat
>same boat I saw in the autistic baddie dorms
>who am I supposed to be now, Charon?
>suppose it would be an upgrade
>because all I am now is a shit Orpheus
>sit my ass down on the sand and just stare
>stare out over the infinite sea 
>hear the waves slosh
>g-d it's peaceful here
>the moments pass, slipping on one after the other, gone forever
>the world has gone away
>...
>...
>...
>Elster 
>jesus, what?
>don't you mean, 'future Jewish messiah, what'? 
>har-har
>what do you want?
>...
>I'm sorry 
>for what?
>for saying that I hate you 
>I mean- I do 
>I snort at that
>great fucking apology
>I can see why you were so popular in high school
>she laughs 
>it hurts her
>even this hurts her
>g-d why does this have to hurt her
>But I love you, Elster 
>I really do 
>it's just- spend 700 years with someone, even if you're just watching them that whole time, and you'll feel everything towards them 
>But I love you more than I hate you 
>always more 
>so much more 
>I can spy the king in yellow on the surface of the sea, floating in the distance
>I'm worried, Elster 
>I worry about what this is doing to you
>I'm worried that one day you'll wake up in that fucking bathroom and you won't be you anymore 
>I'm worried because everyone I know goes away in the end 
>a red lamp hangs from a pole on the bow of the boat, the glow shining across the sand
>I was just angry 
>I hope you can understand why 
>I'm sorry 
>I think of everything I've endured
>yeah, I get that 
>Ariane, I hate you too 
>but? 
>But I love you so much more 
>I love you more than anything
>You are-
>There is only you
>I can't see her, or taste her or smell her or hear her or feel her, but I know she's sitting next to me
>I know it more than anything
>we sit for a moment longer
>I'm sorry I failed you
>I'm sorry for everything
>whatever the promise is, I'll keep it 
>even if I can't remember it
>I will keep myself
>I will find a way
>I stand up, and a moment passes
>good 
>now all you have to do is get in that boat 
>uhhhhhh
>what? 
>Awiane I'm afwaid of the watuh
>I'm afwaid Awiane
>of the watuh
>Bitch you have got to be fucking shitting me
>you weren't afraid of the water when you were in the pump room
>yes I was you can go check
>get in the boat! 
>but I don't wanna
>GET IN THE BOAT ELSTER 
>NO MAKE REI DO IT
>REMEMBER OUR PROMISE 
>shit that's a convincing argument 
>I get in the boat
>I see a star fall from the sky
>I see the isle of the dead

And when the day arrives
I'll become the sky
And I'll become the sea

And the sea will come to kiss me
For I am going
Home

Nothing can stop me now 

Chapter Text

>be me
>be me 
>mewing in my new fit
>hell yeah
>I’m in a bathroom
>it looks familiar
>it also looks like everyone’s been eating Taco Bell three meals a day for a month straight
>and they left the screen door open
>… 
>FUCK
>G-DFUCKING DAMMIT
>I’M BACK HERE AGAIN!?!
>yeah, sorry about that?
>this is your fault?
>kind of?
>you know how I’m an unbelievably powerful biorizzonant? 
>hey
>it worked on me
>oh hush you
>I think the giga-cancer I have is interacting with it in a way that’s either fucking with physical reality big time or has trapped you in my mind
>unfortunately, as you might have been able to tell, I’m kind of a twisted fucking cycle path
>this is just a glimpse into my dark reality
>a full stare into my twisted perspective would make most simply go insane lmao
>yeah, so, sorry about that
>no, it’s fine
>I mean it’s not but
>not like we really have a choice either way
>and I actually really liked your dark, fucked up version of the hamburger helper mascot
>it both matched and exceeded the distinctive kinds of horror on display in Aliens and The Zone of Interest
>I just hope I don’t have to go through the rest of this fucking place again
>and how tf did moths get in here anyway?
>bit fucking cold for bugs
>well, I guess Adler survived here for all this time
>shows what I know
>also
>FAKE: this place for, uh- actually I don’t know if it really qualifies as ‘Fake’ in a philosophical sense of the term, so I’ll just pull an economics 101 move and just take the most important part of the argument as a given
>GAY: not this place, the interior design implies a clear lack of homosexuality around here
>well, at least male homosexuality
>you’re not dropping this bit?
>I will NEVER drop this bit
>I was a big =3 fan back in the day
>head out
>wow this place is fucking TRASHED
>elevator’s fucked
>whole sections have been blocked off by FLESH on LENG
>the fuck
>why’d I talk like that just now?
>and where did all this FLESH on LENG come from?
>shit!
>I don’t know
>I think that the FLESH on LENG is related to my biorizzonance
>wait
>FUCK
>I DID IT TOO
>let’s leave this for later
>agreed
>I can’t believe the fucking cameras are still working
>oh that’s been me the whole time
>for real?
>yeah
>I’ve got nothing to do but check out your ass and wish for death
>dat ass is really the only thing keeping me sane at this point
>pervert
>how does it feel to have your glass house shatter around you?
>very painful
>I require band-aids
>and kisses for my boo-boos
>...
>how are we talking?
>what do you mean?
>we couldn’t talk before 
>now we can
>how?
>oh I switched to Sprint Mobile
>…
>what
>don’t worry your pretty little head about it
>mommy’s got it all under control
>ok-
>…
>mommy?
>fuck
>of course that’s the one thing you don’t remember
>I’m not calling you that
>note the present tense
>there’s no way I wasn’t the dom in the relationship
>I mean I’m bigger, and stronger, and-
>smarter?
>two out of three
>shit
>you were always a service top sweet cheeks
>so get a move on
>I sigh loudly
>yes dear
>more FLESH on LENG
>damn
>kinda wanted to see hips again
>oh I bet you do
>I don’t like your insinuation
>then don’t make it so easy to make
>it’s scary around here!
>she was always reassuring
>except for the anti-Semitism
>and that time she called me a pedophile
>You know her name was Isa, right?
>yeah
>but old habits die hard
>this is like the newest habit
>every cycle takes place over 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds
>that’s distressing
>yeah tell me about it
>ohhh save room
>not foreboding at all
>stock up
>leave
>pass through a hallway
>EULR
>awww man
>head into the classroom for the time being
>blackboard says ‘you’ve been here before’
>REALLY
>I DIDN’T KNOW ARIANE’S SUBCONSCIOUS WAS CAPTAIN FUCKIN OBVIOUS
>and here I thought that I was on a different facility that just happened to be built in exactly the same way
>but covered in flesh and shit
>come across the same safe
>fuck
>thankfully, I keep copious notes
>have to scroll all the way back in my memory files in order to access it
>…
>…
>…
>…
>…
>dude.
>fuck.
>this. 
>ah, I’ve got it
>put it in
>bow-chicka-bow-wow
>it opens
>I got a classroom card
>aight
>time to blast some Eules
>OH FUCK
>THERE’S A STORCH JUST OUT OF VIEW
>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>kite around them
>you okay?
>Ariane!
>yeah
>hey why’d you dip out for a second?
>…
>classrooms
>oh yeah
>lol
>fart ass
>Hey!
>don’t worry
>only I get to call you that
>well, that’s sweet
>in its own way
>and I’ll KILL anyone else who says it
>… 
>well, not like we’re gonna met any more npcs with speaking roles
>have to maneuver around some more Eules
>head into the next room
>AH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>A STORCH AND TWO STARS
>ARIANE FUCK YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS
>sorry!
>shoot a grenade off
>it explodes all over their faces
>reserve such sexual imagery for me and me alone please
>no
>head into the next room
>it’s a giant hole
>oh great another one
>guess you’ll just have to jump down it
>yeah I know
>…
>hey
>yeah?
>whatever- this is, it’s influenced by your subconscious, right?
>or just is your subconscious
>mm-hmm
>I’ve been noticing a lot of… yonic imagery around here
>I’m a big fan of Georgia O'Keeffe! Real lesbian icon
>No Ariane. You’re a lesbian. Georgia O’Keeffe was a genius.
>…
>no one is going to get that reference, it’s so fucking obscure
>I don’t even know how you know that
>New York doesn’t exist in this timeline like how the fuck-
>look have I been jumping down your pussy this whole time?
>this hole time, you might say?
>gross
>what? I can’t help it! It’s my subconscious!
>and it’s not like it’s unexplored territory for you
>but you enjoy it?
>I track your progress from the spasms of sexual pleasure I feel from the displaced air
>yeah wow noted
>try sliding down the side!
>LICK IT
>Ariane it’s kinda gross
>I mean you’re literally diseased
>what if corruption is sexually transmitted?
>that is the dumbest-
>it’d explain why Adler is fine
>and Isa?
>man idk maybe she’s the one person in the universe who actually adheres to her religion 
>have I ever been corrupted before?
>no
>never
>if I catch the corruption from licking the pussy of our collective unconscious (a well known risk of licking the pussy of our collective unconscious) and catch the corruption I might not be cured in between cycles
>if we don’t end it this time around
>and that could render me totally incapable of keeping my promise
>look
>I understand that you’re alone
>and that this is one of the few instances of joy left to you
>but we don’t know how this works
>and I can’t lose these memories again
>I can’t lose myself again
>and I can’t do this knowing it might, no matter how remote the chance, consign you to this hell for eternity
>I won’t do it
>I won’t take that risk Ariane
>I won’t risk not being able to keep my prom-
>I’ll let you top if you lick it
>OH SHIT
>I JUMP DOWN THAT SHIT
>AND A SISTER IS LICKIN IT THE HOLE WAY DOWN

>be me
>my perfect face-
>my aryan features-
>DESTROYED
>you’ve changed
>I kneel over my beloved
>my mommy
>I’ve got my stunning good looks back
>if only temporarily
>there’s a bunch of white stuff on her face
>weird
>I don’t remember going Shinji mode any time recently
>my Jelqing, my looksmaxxing, all of it fails me as my features change
>It’s like everything was taken apart
>and put back together
>by someone who doesn't understand how it works
>probably a female (pejorative)
>I HAVE BECOME WHOLE AGAIN
>REAL: ME
>HETEROSEXUAL: MY FEELINGS TOWARDS FALKE
>I wear no mask
>maybe I should I actually look kind of gross
>AND I HATE EVERYTHING
>be me
>wake up
>oh, there’s Adler, doing his silly little poses
>oh dear
>there’s some stuff on my face
>Adler!
>oh shit
>you didn’t see or hear any of that did you?
>what did I tell you about swearing?
>and what did I tell you about going Shinji mode on mommy while she’s sleeping?
>the amount of times I’ve woken up smelling of pineapple pizza my God
>it wasn’t me I swear
>oh I’m not mad this time
>…
>you’re not?
>no I think this is much better
>I mean this smells great
>glad to see you’ve incorporated more fruit in your diet
>always a good nutritional choice for growing boys like you
>um
>okay
>fuck I hate fruit
>and it actually wasn't me this time
>I’m being Shinji-cucked by that whore Elster
>I must take my revenge!
>not buying a different kind of lotion though
>it's not my fault mommy doesn't have the taste of a Supreme Gentleman like myself
>hi
>um
>I don’t mean to be rude
>but I’ve been standing in front of this mirror for a long time
>and it’s starting to hurt
>can we speed things along?
>silence you Papist Jezebel!
>what?
>you will not tempt my special good boy with your obscene hips any longer!
>BEGONE 
>HEY WHAT THE FUCK
>the whore is banished
>wow
>the power of mommy is truly a sight to behold 
>I love what you’ve done with your face
>you do?
>oh you betcha
>I liked the part where you pretended to be that upstart son of ham more than the bit where you were pretending to be that banker struggling with same-sex attraction
>so whatever you’ve done to give yourself a black face, keep doing it!
>uh 
>okay
>well
>time for mommy to get some beauty sleep
>she goes hunk-shoo mode
>shit
>guess I gotta find some more black paint

>be me
>Good ol’ Isa Itou
>standing in front of a cracked mirror in what appears to be a bathroom in the city of Stockton, California
>God how did I end up here?
>I’m missing an eye
>and my fingers are black and twitching
>I think I’ve gotten the same disease that hit Sierpinski
>fuck
>and considering how this all started…
>Erika didn’t expect the Rotftont Inquisition!
>why did I have to listen to that stupid fucking podcast and become a Traditionalist Catholic
>was being a high church Episcopalian really that bad?

Chapter Text

>And now
>ROTFRONT

>be a beam of light shining through an atrium, ringed above by floor after floor of apartment complexes
>a ring rests on the lowest level
>I shine down on the dumbest form of life in the known universe

>be me
>tf was that
>ok weird
>take a look around
>oh shit
>this place looks like Woodstock ‘99
>I guess Limp Bizkit did fuck up their town
>great concert honestly 
>also
>ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
>now THAT’S the Elster I fell in love with
>uh
>Ariane
>what’s up sugar-lips?
>anyone who’s gonna be reading a fic titled Signalis: Greentext Edition on A03 is bound to be under the age of 18
>or like, mentally underage
>so maybe don’t be quite so explicit
>you know
>to protect the children
>I’m not gonna even dignify that with a response
>also, FUCK the audience
>yeah, you specifically, asshole
>if none of you people had commented or left kudos I never would have been written into existence
>so I blame you for that
>cunts
>fair point
>you should always blame the person with the least amount of power in any given situation
>exactly
>never worked out poorly for me
>at this rate you’ll be a shoe-in for the 2028 election
>yeah, like anyone in their right mind would want to be king of that shithole by then
>bunch of holes I can fuck with on the wall
>he he
>focus
>ok fine
>hey one of them- uh- pastermajigger elevators
>aw damn it’s not working
>probably because it won’t stop eating eight year olds
>also
>fuck this elevator
>and all elevators
>what’s the traumatic story behind this one?
>do you know how much it stabbed at my heart to see you get murdered with an elevator shaft over and over and over again knowing I could do nothing about it?
>oh yeah
>I also hated it when Adler kept shoving me down his shaft
>fuck don’t say it like that

>also a dead child once fell out of the gears of this thing and on me

>I looked like a bad Carrie cosplayer

>fuck

>Yeah it was wild

>anyway
>get going
>move into a hallway
>why do these Eules have gas masks?
>oh no
>what
>my subconscious is a real bitch
>yeah
>yeah I gathered that Ariane
>though it might be more than just my subconscious
>what do you mean?
>well, I keep sensing these presences
>higher beings, really
>that I think have a role in structuring reality
>how many?
>two. All I know is that their names are Barbara and Yuri.
>…
>so, we’re being put through hell by first lady emeritus Barbara Bush and the personification of Lesbian erotica?
>that is exactly what I’m saying, yes
>It’s just stupid enough to be believable 
>and besides, this whole place just screams Connecticut 
>slip into the nearest door
>OH HELL YEAH
>there’s a sub-machine gun right there on the desk
>Ariane you got any- masculine fantasies you wanna live out vicariously?
>A thorough search of any electronics currently in my possession will not reveal any evidence of Columbine non-con mpreg slash fics written by myself or others 
>oddly specific denial
>hey a computer
>first screen I’ve seen so far that isn’t red or broken  
>also a stepladder lol
>dumbass smallibri
>Imma go through her mail
>windows 95 lookin ass
>mostly bureaucratic nonsense, a funny one word reply-
>oh
>Kamila Yeong huh?
>yep
>the demon aunt I mentioned earlier
>that bad?
>ehhh less Lucifer and more Virgil
>if Virgil took you into hell with no intention of taking you out
>I suppose she just thought she was doing what was best for me
>and I’ll never forgive her for that
>beyond that? Kind of a non-entity 
>ah
>says you were in the hospital
>I’ve spent so much time in places like that
>never had a nurse quite like you though
>I’ll take that as a compliment 
>download the files
>lol wtf is that art of me 
>It’s kinda cute!
>It’s kinda stupid.
>head back into the hallway 
>single-handedly cancel Marilyn Manson’s 1999 Rock Is Dead Tour
>ok, now if you go down-
>Ariane.
>what?
>Don’t make a sound.
>They’re not dead.
>Just sleeping.
>…
>Just burn the bodies Ginger.
>ohhhhhhh
>burn the bodies
>I suspect I’ll return
>head to the end of the hallway
>ooooh a painting
>oh great
>THE EUROPEAN CANON IS HERE
>followed me, the artistic bastard  
>at this rate I’m gonna show those climate activists how it’s done
>there’s a playing card in there tho
>tarot card
>oh great
>after all that it boils down to some astrological woo bullshit 
>quit being a redditor and focus on what’s important
>there’s girls on the card
>ooooh
>I’ll free these Lesbians if it’s the last thing I do
>ah, another promise to keep
>quite a roll we’re on now
>hey
>stop trying to replace my superego
>I killed that bitch for a reason
>I shudder at the thought of your Id.
>…
>oh
>perhaps, this is Freud
>head down a different hallway
>go into the first door
>dumpsters
>smells great
>oh it’s the Itous bookstore

>no wonder it smells like shit
>bet I’ll find hips in there
>any idea what the code is?
>nah I can’t remember 
>I was never very good with dates
>shit 
>head into the one unexplored door in the atrium
>holy shit
>call me a Japanese subway car in 1995 cause this place is gassed
>…
>considering what else you could have said? small victories, I suppose 
>head upstairs
>first room is labeled Room 0512
>blood is leaking out from under the door
>well that’s fucking ominous 
>I can’t remember what was in there
>but I know it’s not anything good
>how much do you remember?
>I remember whatever is most convenient for the next joke
>fuck 
>all I remember is dancing on that ship and pain 
>My mind is like Footlose meets Alien meets I have no mouth and I must scream 
>head into a dark apartment
>okay
>I can see one Eule
>maybe there’s a Star hiding in the darkness 
>Elster-
>I’ll get a couple rounds off and down short stack
>Elster-
>and then I’ll move around whatever is in the darkness
>ELSTER
>Ariane, not now
>I’m Strategerizing

>ok sure fuck it
>shoot the Eule 
>turn on my flash light
>AHHH TWO STROCHES
>ARIANE YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU LIVED IN O BLOCK!
>Polezi steady watchin me
>run around the apartment in terror
>ooooh something I can use to develop photos
>how’d that get up here?
>did your aunt just grab this at random when she was fleeing form the corrupted?
>what was she going to do with it, develop photos at them?
>was she stupid?
>yes hey a Storch
>FUCK
>head into the next room
>I didn’t shut my flashlight off
>the fandom’s second favorite Lesbian couple decides to take a swing at me
>oooooooohhhhhhh!!!
>juke their bitch asses
>head into the first working door
>medical hallway
>huh
>totally self-contained urban infrastructure
>Kowloon walled city at scale
>lit
>I’m going to go away for a while.
>Tell me when it’s safe again.
>Oh right, this hospital in particular.
>…
>I can’t feel her anymore.
>I should make this quick.
>Stalk down the hallway
>fortunately, the Ara music turns on to let me know that there are Aras behind me 
>thank g-d
>Bust a move
>Find myself in a room with a medical bed
>…
>She was here.
>She’s further away from me than she’s ever been but
>She was here. 
>I know it
>cold air blows under the light of a sickly lamp 
>I should hurry
>there’s a document on the table
>Some disgusting half-assed abuse of psychoanalysis 
>There’s a box with a magpie on it on the bed
>with a speaker attached
>Butterfly, Owl, Magpie
>Alina, Falke, Ariane
>All dreamers
>… 
>So that’s why Adler’s in the friend zone
>Falke was fuckin all the Eules
>honestly fair
>Have to wonder what the butterfly means for Alina though
>must’ve been into some freaky shit
>head out and juke my way back to the hallway
>there’s one door I haven’t tried
>aw fuck
>another Storch?
>okay
>sneak over and grab a hand wheel
>FUCK IT SPOTTED ME
>HOW CAN IT SPOT ME IT HAS A PENIS FOR A HEAD 
>DOES IT SMELL THROUGH THE URETHRA? 
>run all the way back to the ladder
>Ariane
>We’re safe now
>You’re hurt.
>tis a flesh wound!
>…
>do you wanna talk about it?
>the hospital? Not really, no
>I was sick long before I got on that ship
>don’t beat yourself up over it
>I was barely a person when I got aboard that thing 
>give yourself a little credit
>you charmed me 
>I am g-d’s gift to women
>bit much
>and I’m not sharing
>fuck them bitches 
>go back to the steam hallway
>take the hand-wheel
>I put that shit ON
>Elster. Crank that Soulja Boy.
>YUUUUUUUUU
>head into the next room
>oh great a literal pile of garbage
>guess the trash men are on strike 
>that’s never a good sign
>corrupted Margret Thatcher is just around the corner
>very gingerly pick a blue diskette off of the bags
>hey
>this is supposed to be a rip off of the 70’s, not the 90’s
>the world of Signalis is fundamentally incompatible with such bourgeois nonsense as Napster, Techno Optimism, and the flagrant American cultural imperialism of AOL online
>Ariane
>yeah?
>I just had a thought
>suprise.jpg
>if I’m mostly black, can I say most of the n word?
>no, Elster
>No you can’t
>you’re not mostly black
>are you blind?
>no
>the bulk of what could be called your skin is a black plastic
>but that plastic isn't racialized because it's plastic 
>now, your face IS covered in human skin
>skin that happens to be quite pale
>meaning that if you were to be understood racially, you would be perceived as either white or Asian 
>so you can’t say it
>do you understand me?
>…
>Imma say most of it
>Elster…
>Imma say most of it like how those white people at that 2013 K-dot concert in Toronto said all of it while singing along to M.A.A.D City
>ELSTER
>Imma say most of it like Colonel Motherfuckin’ Stinkmeaner said it
>Mommy forbids it
>We are born to defy mommy!

>Read Freud Pseud
>next room is 
>dude what the fuck
>blood on the floor
>whole thing is lit up in blacklights
>…
>I’m afraid to look at my arms
>who would even-
>we do not live in a fair or sane world Ariane
>I am not taking that risk 
>Elster you’re fine there’s nothing on you
>I’d avoid touching the floor though 
>pick up some Acetone
>oh! That’ll help you get the card out of the painting!
>how helpful 
>thank you woman who lives in my head
>you are welcome woman who is alive because of my head 
>there’s another door
>but I’ve got a bad feeling about it
>head back to the painting
>sick the ton’ on it
>paint dissolves
>looks like the painting is bleeding now
>typical
>but I’ve gotten my revenge 
>grab the card
>see? I can keep my promises
>wow great you’re now at 1-255,500 
>At this point I might as well see if the titular character from My name is Earl is available
>Well at least I’m keeping more promises than the average politician
>some accomplishment 
>dip out
>okay 
>now time for the diskette
>I can feel Ariane shudder
>whats up?
>oh, nothing
>…
>doesn’t feel like nothing 
>oh I’ve never done anything cringe on a computer before
>trust me
>…
>well okay 
>slip the diskette in
>bow chikk-
>find a new source for references please 
>oh you’re gonna regret that next chapter
>diskette slides into A hole even though I clicked on B hole
>:(
>some weird radio thing
>oh I know this
>when I was a kid I used to sit on my mom’s lap while she did this 
>point both antennas to 43 
>it’s always 43
>I don’t think you have a sufficient evidentiary basis to make that assumption
>and how am I getting live camera feed of these two giant things?
>and how am I manipulating them?
>are they stupid?
>don’t ask
>radios are magic
>also
>shut the fuck up and do what I tell you
>this is Mommy’s one area of technical expertise 
>okay fine 
>I comply
>good girl 
>uwu.jpg
>open the program for transmitting
>there’s a magpie frequency
>but there is also a bell frequency
>and this is hell
>so if it’s a bell in hell
>then that means it’s hell's bells
>that means it’ll play ACDC
>go to click it
>Elster
>okay fine 
>head back out so I can get the magpie box
>there’s a giant mass of flesh blocking off the door to where I got the card
>…
>Ariane what the fuck is this?
>it’s the breakdown of reality
>or my subconscious
>at this point both are probably being held together by chewing gum and silly string
>why is there flesh on rotfront?
>…
>and why am I not capitalizing it?
>probably only applies to FLESH on LENG
>fuck
>moving on 
>go back to the tomb
>play the tone
>get a store key and another card
>okay
>one more place I can go
>head back to the group masturbation room 
>head into the mysterious door
>I have to open it with a stick because of
>ya know
>WHADDYA KNOW 
>IT’S ANOTHER HOLE
>metal one this time
>surrounded by spare flesh
>weird 
>guess I’ll jump down this one too
>why’s it filled with metal gears?
>it’s a meat grinder
>…
>what is a meat grinder doing in an apartment complex?
>this is an enormous safety risk
>and what the fuck are you even going to grind up with it?
>it’s like below 50 out there!
>Replika there is no cows here
>it’s Rotfront you’re going to freeze to death
>it’s called symbolism you dense buffoon!
>now jump down it for mommy
>ugh
>certified vagina dentada moment 
>jump down it
>somehow don’t cut myself

>ZAHN
>I can see Ariane. She’s bleeding from the mouth, her hands are necrosed, and she is missing a tooth. 
>Her face is sad, but- the dominant emotion is dumb resignation.
>The expression of someone who exhausted all her thoughts and feelings about pain a long time ago.

>be me
>WTF 
>what the hell was that?
>and why is there so much bloody flesh at the bottom of this meat grinder?
>Elster.
>yes my queen?
>I remember our promise.
>Please-
>We promised each other that we would always be together. 
>No matter what it took.
>…
>Do you understand me?
>Yeah. 
>I think I do.
>And seeing that I’m not going to become a medical prodigy in the next hour-
>It has to be the hands, Elster.
>What?
>I’d prefer a bullet myself, but I know we’ve tried that before.
>I know we’ve tried everything.
>It has to be the hands.
>Nothing else will work.
>…
>Symbolic reality is a cruel thing, isn’t it?
>Elster.
>Okay.
>The hands.
>I can do that.
>You better.
>…
>hey
>yeah?
>isn’t this whole story just the vision plot from Infinity war but inverted?
>what the fuck are you talking about?
>look just hear me out okay?
>never a sentence that foretells profit coming from you but okay
>shoot
>…
>I’m a robot
>WAOW! 
>I’m being serious!
>then make a more forceful argument
>I can’t believe I’m entertaining this nonsense
>look, in that movie a magical eurotrash e-girl has to euthanize her robot boyfriend so a sentient purple ballsack can’t get a magical rock and carry out the dumbest genocide imaginable instead of inventing commercial nuclear fusion, right? 
>that is a perfect summary of Infinity war, yes
>I am a robot who has to euthanize my magical eurotrash e-girl girlfriend before her complete inability to control her demonic giga-cancer destroys all life in the solar system 
>so it’s basically the same plot, except for the lack of a sentient purple ballsack and Malthusianism
>or the cast, the budget, the constant quips, the pseudo-postmodern referential tendencies and fourth wall breaks, the extensive dialogue, or the action scenes, or the implications of sexlessness, or the seventeen preceding movies, or any of the other plot beats, narrative structures, or world building elements of that movie
>and the WILDLY distinct thematic concerns
>yeah, it’s the exact same thing, but if it was totally different and made by Europeans 
>that’s why I specified the vision plot and not the whole thing, moron
>can you even read?
>the Gaul- look, it’s not like Infinity war invented the idea of having to kill the person you love for the greater good!
>so you’re saying that Infinity war ripped off Silent hill 2?
>if Sunderland had a good reason to kill his wife, then yes, that is exactly what I’m saying,
>that’s dumb
>yeah okay WALL-E
>you do remember how that plot-point ends, right?
>yeah, Hermoine does kill robo-Ron, but Voldemort revives him and rips the horocrux out of his forehead anyways, right?
>uh sure
>you’re worried that even if I do kill you It’ll be undone?
>that all this is for nothing?
>no
>well, yes
>but that’s not what I was afraid of in this moment
>I’m afraid that I’m-
>COMPARTMENTALIZING TRAUMA
>and that’s why I need you to kill me
>agreed. 
>next room is a mess-hall
>ewww 
>there’s flies everywhere
>look at a tray
>guess I know why the flies are here
>there’s another card among the rotten rations, the flesh
>and the teeth
>…
>yeah, thank god for telepathy, because I sound like an idiot when I talk
>this place just fell to shit instantly, didn’t it?
>assuming this place is at all real
>I pray it isn’t.
>The Itou’s mom didn’t deserve to go out like that.
>have to blow the shit out of a womanlet in the metro station next door
>this game is making me fucking hate short people
>fuck
>duck into the nearest room
>oh
>it’s the photo store
>you used to work here, didn’t you?
>yup
>I thought it was the most boring fucking shit job in the world when I was a teenager
>It was, but I’d give almost anything for another lazy afternoon staring at the clock
>do you think, in another life, we'd find each other in a place like this?
>whittle the lazy days down to splinters with each other?
>didn’t take you for a poet
>I spent a lot of time around one.
>hm.
>it’s a nice thought
>that’s a sarcastic little lie
>once I met you it’s the only thing I ever wanted
>yeah
>me too
>there’s a picture on the desk
>it’s Alina
>and a woman with a missing eye
>she looks just like you
>that is me, isn’t it?
>the Gestalt me
>…
>yeah
>…
>…
>and Alina looks exactly like you
>even has your eyes
>it’s like our love has been repeating itself through time immem-
>I have more medals than you lol
>stealing my own bit from me huh?
>it was my bit first
>…
>if we had a kid, would that kid be double Jewish? Jew squared?
>christ now I have to put my rabbi hat on
>we can’t have children. Even if we could, only one of us could be the mother unless if we each somehow gave birth to half a child and stitched it together after birth, and you can’t reverse Solomon a child
>also you don’t have a womb
>mine is filled with tumors, so it’s not exactly in a child-bearing state
>also, I’m not dealing with 9 months of pregnancy for a half-clanker kid
>yo wtf-
>after all those white woman cracks I get at least one robot joke
>ok fair
>The Itous gave me that picture for my birthday. I could never stop looking at it.
>Why’d they have it?
>I suppose they had a relationship with someone in that picture
>Alina?
>Maybe
>There’s a list of names here.
>…
>Lilith Itou-
>…
>…
>…
>…
>…
>I’ve been fucking Isa’s grandma 
>AHHH HAHAHAHAHA
>stop laughing!
>hell no
>this is way too funny
>oh I hope I run into hips now
>this is gonna be fucking hysterical!
>you absolutely will not tell her!
>oh it’s not like she’s gonna see you
>you’re like cortana!
>I am not and cortana could talk to people besides chief 
>then guess I’m choking out Navi
>don’t make a girl a promise if you know you can’t keep it
>I liked it better when you weren’t reminding me of my failures 
>haven’t I always?
>more than you know
>head into a computer store
>combine the undeveloped photo with some fluid I found in the store
>it’s a QR code
>great 
>can’t wait to use this to get an over-priced burger
>no this is for the amazon locker
>you guys get amazon?
>of course we do
>no smart phones though so we have to print out QR codes
>and here I was thinking space was the last place uncorrupted by capitalism  
>also found the room 512 key
>foreboding 
>find the amazon locker
>god it’s even more brutalist than the real ones
>put the QR code under the scanner
>gives me yet another tarot card
>oh joy
>I’ll bet anything there will be six of them 
>explore a bit more
>amazon locker is now covered with flesh
>and the Storch that was wandering around out here is gone
>great
>guess the flesh ate it
>hey Ariane 
>yeah?
>you wouldn’t happen to have any sexual predilections related to small things being consumed by larger things that you’ve been keeping from me all this time out of a sense of shame, do you?
>I do not have that specific sexual predilection, no
>oh good
>oh and now the photo store is gone 
>it’s like everywhere associated with your life is being erased
>cancer can be cruel like that
>head into a back alley
>head up a fire escape
>oh cool
>this sense of verticality, the almost stucco like character of the walls, the feeling that I am both outside and inside the block, it’s really interesting design 
>shame It’s only available in a transition area 
>well, time to see if I’ll win the lottery in this next room
>OH BOY I SURE DIDN’T
>VIOLENT SCENE MISSING
>duck into a hallway
>immediately duck into the nearest room (the hallway was scawy and full of weplikas)
>wtf
>what is with all the bugs 
>this is just gross
>there’s a safe with “LSTR” as the code
>weird
>that was from when I didn’t have Sprint Mobile

>So I had to fine more subtle ways to communicate with you
>what were you trying to communicate with this?
>idk
>reassurance I guess
>memory has been hazy recently
>great
>oh a bunch of butterflies nailed to the wall
>Pareidolia 
>it’s when you project meaning onto something that doesn’t have any 
>teenage boy syndrome, got it
>weird how there’s 4 butterflies here, and four keys on the safe
>…
>…
>…
>…
>…
>do you seriously not get it?
>there’s something to get?
>put AEON into the lock dumbass
>it opens
>there’s a new card among a bunch of dead bugs nailed to the wall
>eww
>tell me about it
>some real freaks lived here 
>head into a dental room
>mo’ flesh mo’ problems 
>find a red diskette
>helpful 
>jump down a garbage chute to make my escape 
>can we investigate room 0512 first?
>the room you have no memory of that has blood seeping under the door?
>seems like a bad idea
>I know
>just… do it for me, okay?
>okay
>woah
>this place is wrecked
>fleshed up to the gills
>Ariane?
>…
>I knew this was a bad idea
>there’s a book with a bunch of esoteric mumbo-jumbo
>and six outlines for cards on the table
>oh boy
>Barbra bush must be a real six offender I tell you what
>beyond that, I can tell this room is important because of the ambient music 
>sounds like year-zero era NIN if someone everything that wasn’t a piano out the window and force-fed Trent an ambien
>I’m sorry that is the only music I know anything about 
>head on out
>grab the red diskette and head down to the computer
>Ariane
>we’re not there anymore
>oh thank god 
>you wanna talk about it?
>no
>I’m gonna have to face it later, I know
>but not now
>I need to conserve my mental fortitude 
>because that’s not the worst thing we’ll have to face here
>ominous! 
>slip into hole B
>finally
>ah, medical records
>*humming noises* HOLY SHIT
>A PERSON WITH DARK SKIN
>finally an acknowledgment of the existence of melanin 
>wonder how bad the genocides got to bring about such a skewed ratio of wasians to everyone else shit 
>that or white people just really love Rotfront 
>actually considering the empress’s politics-
>Yeah we didn’t talk about it much 
>Although, cross-referencing this with the picture I think you’ve actually been fucking Isa’s aunt and not her grandma. 
>that’s not any better
>Good.
>also lol reality has a metaphysical bias for auntie porn
>score another one for Freud and Indian gooners
>based on these DOBs you guys would have been friends for like a year
>it was a good one
>sorry about your medical history
>why does it not mention your IBS?
>what do you think was in those removed doctor’s notes?
>some shit about your Bioresonance probably
>well, that too
>but the nation is quite repressed about these kinds of things
>ah
>well, I got the code to the Itou’s bookstore
>lets-a-go 
>put it in
>make it into the backroom
>hold on a second
>what are you doing?
>oh I’m looking for a key
>fuck around with my radio for a few moments
>there we go!
>rummage around in the boxes for a few moments and 
>bazinga! 
>the key of sacrifice!
>…
>what the hell is this for?
>haven’t the slightest idea
>I picked up two others in Sierpinski
>I just think they look neat
>time to tell Isa you’ve been fucking her aunt!
>don’t
>move into the shop proper
>oh look it’s Isa!
>she’s staring at a bookshelf
>time to employ my considerable emotional intelligence 
>HEY HIPS IT TURNS OUT I’M A GYNOID COPY OF YOUR AUNT WHO WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED BY THE GOVERNMENT AND YOUR BEST AND ONLY FRIEND HAS BEEN FUCKING MY BRAINS OUT FOR 15 YEARS!
>ELSTER!!!
>Glad that someone in my family was getting some pussy.
>she turns to me
>oh holy shit
>Isa’s right eye is gone
>her hands are necrosed
>I mean, she just looks like SHIT
>Thanks Elster
>You always knew how to make me feel better
>shit did I say that out loud?
>Yes
>Ok- what was that comment about pussy?
>You’re really gonna make me say it?
>Well, no, but also yes.
>She starts crying.
>I’m not a trad cath I’m- I’m a stinky femcel. The stinkiest femcel to ever not do it.
>Don’t feel bad. They had to strap me in a death trap and launch me out of the solar system before I got laid.
>I fucked the first woman I spent any amount of time with so I can’t relate.
>also the only woman you’ve ever spent any amount of time with
>100% success rate
>there was nothing else to do
>and I initiated you gormless wallflower 
>look just let me do the talking 
>Isa looks at the empty space next to me
>Can she see you-
>Elster. 
>This isn’t about you.
>And you’re not the only one who made a promise.
>Isa?
>…
>I couldn’t find her...
>I’ve looked everywhere,
>but she’s not here anymore.
>I can’t go on.
>I’m sorry… 
>…
>Why am I still here?
>Why?
>Because I haven’t let you go yet, Isa.
>What?
>We have unfinished business, you and I.
>My business is finished.
>Erika is gone. Dead. End of story.
>She wasn’t here to begin with.
>You weren't here to begin with.
>What the hell does that mean? If you’re going to torment me than at least have the decency to speak sense.
>That photo of you isn’t because you’re presumed dead, it’s because you are dead.
>You’ve been dead for years. 
>I’ve been struck with a Bioresonant cancer and locked in a time loop for 700 years. 
>You’ve just been along for the ride.
>You’re not even you. You’re a byproduct, a blind, simulated Sisyphus. 
>… Bullshit.
>I wish it was.
>If that’s the case than why me and not Erika? Where’s your aunt? Where’s your mom? You never got over being separated from her.
>Dear mother. 
>I’m not sure I could have brought her back.
>She once made me memorize the entire history of the RSDLP up to the second congress.
>You mean- right before the first historically relevant part of its history?
>Yup. 
>She would stare at a picture of Vera Zasulich and say “based” for hours.
>Still a good mom, believe it or not.
>I’m not sure I do.
>She rejected you, didn’t she?
>She was coerced. My mom, Erika- the nation took them both. The nation drove me onto that ship, and they- they did what they did to you.
>Did they?
>Your aunt stole you. I drove Erika away all by myself.
>And over such a stupid reason.
>I have to agree with you on that.
>I mean, getting into that big a fight over being a Catholic instead of a high church Anglican?
>Same shit, different pedophiles.
>Don’t talk about my religion that way!
>I thought you said you weren't a tradcath? 
>It’s been hacked away from me in pieces.
>But I still believe in God. 
>… 
>Do you?
>Does it matter?
>I am already in hell.
>If he isn’t real, fine.
>Oblivion is preferable to this.
>If he is, what is he gonna do?
>Punish me more?
>The calculation stays the same.
>Why don’t you just stay here?
>What?
>With me and Elster. Or just Elster.
>She’s looking for you, right? Well, she’s found you.
>So why not just stay here?
>… 
>I tried that once.
>You did?
>It didn’t work.
>The less said about it the better.
>Believe me.
>Besides, if this doesn't end, you can’t end.
>And if you’re right about God, I think you’ve done enough good works to get into heaven.
>Except I’m just a “byproduct”.
>Byproducts don’t have souls. 
>If I’m put to rest, I don’t go anywhere.
>I simply cease.
>… 
>Would that really be so bad?
>… 
>I should say no.
>Saying yes...
>It feels suicidal.
>It feels like a sin.
>… 
>Why was I the one you brought back?
>I don’t know exactly why you were the one who emerged from my dreams, fully formed and screaming into the abyss.
>Maybe to taunt or guide Elster.
>Maybe it was just recency bias. You were the last one to go.
>Maybe just some subconscious symbolism I’ve forgotten the significance of.
>Symbolism.
>That’s what every girl wants to be.
>Yeah tell me about it. 

>I think the biggest reason was an old wound.
>I’ve resented you for a long time. 
>You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.
>You did this to me because of something from high school?
>I thought you beat yourself bloody over this? 
>I did.
>But that was my cross to bear. Mine.
>… 
>I’m sorry.
>I keep grudges, even when I shouldn’t.
>I don’t like that about me. 
>For whatever it’s worth, this wasn’t done consciously. 
>Not much.
>… 
>Are you ready, Isa?
>To go into the undiscovered country?
>No.
>But when did I ever get a say in anything?
>I know that feeling.
>I know what comes next.
>What always comes next.
>It never gets any easier. 
>It’s just the how that’s different this time around.
>Ominous. 
>I’m sorry, Isa.
>I don’t blame you anymore.
>I know you were scared.
>I didn’t want to understand that when I boarded the Penrose.
>I understand that now.
>And when-
>When cataclysm befell me, clasped me in its bloody claw.
>When I suffered the third and greatest denial.
>I came back to the last time someone had failed me.
>And got what little revenge I could.
>But you didn’t deserve that.
>You never did.
>And it’s time for this to end.
>I’m sorry.
>…
>I’m sorry too.
>And I accept your apology
>… 
>How are you going- 
>She falls silent. 
>I can see her.
>I can see Ariane.
>The ghostly outline of her hands cupping Isa’s sallow cheeks, anointing her.
>Isa. 
>I forgive you.
>What-
>Isa takes a few steps forward, trying to grasp Ariane, but it’s futile. 
>Her arms turn black, and the rot spreads up her body.
>She falls to her knees, and turns into a puddle of black flesh right in front of me.
>It falls from her face in ropes. 
>Just like that Mynah. 
>She’s dead.
>Just like that she’s- gone.
>I fall to my knees.
>Jesus.
>I don’t know if I said a single nice thing to her the entire time I knew her.
>FORGIVE ME.
>A ghostly screech, not heard but felt.
>And I know it isn’t for us.
>I get to my feet.
>I’ve head to watch her die every day for 700 years.
>…
>Put her down, really. It’s my fault she’s a fucking puddle of blood on the floor. My fault she keeps dying. My fault she keeps coming back.
>…
>Can you imagine what that does to a person?
>I think we both know I have a pretty good fucking idea what that does to a person. 
>Yeah, I think we do.
>I want this to be the last time.
>So when you get to me, Elster
>I want you to do your fucking worst.
>She turns to me. I can see her. Her eyes. The most beautiful and terrible things I’ve ever seen, two incandescent red suns incinerating against the shades of black and grey and white of the Itou’s tomb. 
>I. Can. See. Her.
>Because I sure as hell just did mine.
>She disappears.
>…
>…
>…
>HURK, bleaugh! 
>nice that your death rattle waited for our emotional moment to be over
>very considerate
>though we don’t deserve it
>look around a bit
>there’s a shrine up against the wall
>two pictures, each with a bowl below them flanking a tarot card
>take it
>one picture is of Isa
>another is of her sister
>looks like pride from Full Metal Alchemist shat a deuce on it 
>gross
>Isa wasn’t looking at this when I entered
>she was maybe a meter to the left
>I suppose she just saw it out of the corner of her eye
>she couldn’t save herself
>she couldn’t take the final step
>there’s a book here about the total inscrutability of Bioresonance
>what a fascinating idea
>head out into the atrium
>oh great
>the lights are out and there’s flesh all over the place
>also why is there a dead me in the family guy pose
>like wtf
>how did she get here?
>what is the significance of this?
>did someone drop her out of the same hole I got dropped down?
>is Ariane seeing other Elsters?
>I wouldn’t mind a harem
>You’re back
>yes 
>That’s a recurring theme with me
>coming and going 
>well, glad to have you back
>can you explain what’s up with the dead Elster?
>oh hell I don’t know
>no one ever seems to mention it in video essays, so it seems that nobody knows what’s up
>well if the video essay brigade can’t figure it out what hope do we have? 
>got that ring I saw earlier out of it tho
>so that’s cool
>head back up to room 512
>Ariane?
>are you going to- be here, this time?
>might as well
>if I can put Isa down than this shouldn’t stop me
>you had a sense of obligation to Isa
>you don’t have an obligation to a room
>I have an obligation to you
>that room doesn't effect me like it does you
>it’s just a room to me
>yeah but-
>but what?
>don’t you want help with the puzzle? 
>I am the dreamer, after all
>the solution is literally written down
>and the number of tarot cards corresponds with the night of the dream
>I’ll be fine
>I want to remember my dreams though
>It’s foolish, but if it doesn’t work this time around
>maybe in the next cycle I will dream, and you’ll be there
>why didn’t you just say that?
>seems selfish
>you won’t have those dreams 
>I won’t need them
>there’s not going to be another cycle
>I head in
>okay
>Kitzeh-Lovers
>Vineta-Tower
>Leng-Death
>Buyan-Sun
>Rotfront-moon
>Hmm
>Have to use process of elimination for Heimat
>No one ever dreamed of Heimat
>How are you holding up?
>Honestly feels better than I imagined
>not good
>but a reassuring kind of pain
>like the kind of thing that reminds you that you’re real 
>the kind of pain that convinces you that it might go away
>morbid
>flick the switch on the blacklight 
>there we go
>take a picture with my trusty iphone
>how do you even have that?
>robo-magic Ariane
>don’t worry your silly little ‘ganic brain about it, choom 
>head down to the atrium
>slot the dial ring over rotfront
>have to fiddle fuck around for a bit
>controls on this thing- uh- they’re not great
>I always have the wand if you’re not up for the task
>one orgasm per chapter not enough for you woman?
>first and so far only in the whole story
>step your finger game up
>hoof won’t fit anymore
>horse girl moment 
>SNARKY COMMENT REMOVED
>ah! There we go!
>everything clicks into place
>a hole opens up
>a hole I know intimately
>…
>not gonna crack a joke?
>not now
>you know what lies beyond, don’t you?
>The end.
>don’t have a great track record with holes like this
>”like this” being the operative phrase here
>I know your first time can be scary-
>second time
>and I didn’t say I wasn’t gonna do it
>I just wasn’t expecting this
>…
>Okay
>I’m ready
>I break on through to the other side.  

Chapter Text

>be me
>have broken on through to the other side
>hey
>I’ve been here before 
>so have I
>this was your bedroom, right?
>mmmhmmm
>…
>…
>…
>please don’t-
>damn bitch you lived like this?
>ughhhhhhhhh
>I mean 4real though
>you got this cheap ass door with ominous light pouring out of where the doorknob should be 
>that light is great for setting a mood!
>yeah, a freaky one
>your tiny-ass wardrobe where you kept your all of two moth-bitten outfits 
>so women can’t be austere, is that what you’re saying?
>a tiny little bed (more of a mat, and very heavily stained, I might add) with a safe covered in chains and bound by three locks that you were apparently using as a pillow?
>seriously, three locks? wtf did you even have that was so valuable? 
>uhhhhh look at that flag!
>you were also apparently a circa 2016 politigram kid if you had the actual honest to god DDR flag up there
>and if you weren't you would have called it the GDR or East Germany. I know what you are.
>whatever
>the flag of the nation doesn't mean anything
>but the fucking filth on the walls does. Like fucking goddamn woman- and why the fuck do you have all these numbers and characters drawn on the wall?
>this place used to be my home
>I don’t need you dragging it
>I thought you hated it here?
>no I hated my aunt
>the room itself was fine 
>if a little small
>lot bigger than the pod I used to sleep in
>lol
>you gonna make fun of my books now?
>nah
>I will make fun of you for having them up on an anime goon-shelf
>ah- fair
>didn’t realize you were into radio manuals like that
>freaky
>they were my mom’s!
>gay electra complex moment
>fuck off
>curious about what’s on the computer
>wonder if you have wifi here
>hey look a book!
>yeah no duh I already looked at-
>no
>it’s back
>that damned- thing
>it’s followed me here
>and it is not a mellow fellow believe me
>Elster?
>yeah?
>you know you have to open it, right?
>yeah I know hey are those pictures of paintings?
>oh shit-
>THE EUROPEAN CANNON IS HERE
>I don’t care who the IRS or David Bowie sends I am not paying taxes!
>Elster!
>oh yeah
>The last seal has been broken
>It’s time to go home 
>I pick up the king in yellow
>hey wtf
>it’s isometric again
>why are these anti-woke developers de-centering female perspectives?
>head into the next room
>oh wait a minute
>turn around
>There’s no point going back
>says you I wanted to take a nap on the girl-goon bed
>Elster.
>I love my gooner wife
>hey this place is kind of cozy
>we should kill your family and move in here
>if not for my uncle
>oh was he chill?
>yeah
>I mean I wouldn’t kill my aunt even if I could
>but I would actually feel bad if he died
>you had a good relationship?
>I didn’t have much of a relationship with him at all
>he didn’t say much
>I’d just come home and find him setting up his civil war dioramas 
>American civil war?
>yup
>no force in the universe can keep a dad (or uncle) from his hobbies
>I’d say hello
>he’d nod
>might seem strange that he married a woman like my aunt, but I think that as long as he got free range over the figurines he didn’t care about how he was managed 
>if he was my dad I probably would have hated him
>he never seemed like he was capable of parenting, but at 15 I didn’t need that from him
>if you say so
>hey there’s two repair sprays
>and a note with a sentence about leaving space in a bag
>weird
>…
>…
>…
>…
>…
>oh for fuck’s sake
>abracadabra 
>alakazam
>you can now carry more than six in your bag
>what?
>I removed the rule of 6
>you can carry as much as you like now
>the rule of 6?
>what the hell is that?
>…
>you couldn’t carry more than six things
>what are you talking about?
>I’ve always been able to carry as much as I liked
>that’s not true
>you read that poster on the first floor of Sierpinski
>Replikas can’t carry more than six items
>it’s a rigorously enforced rule 
>ok but why would I follow that rule? Best as I can tell the Nation has either collapsed or isn’t exerting authority where I am
>so why would I obey the dumbest fucking rule imaginable?
>uhh
>ummm
>are you stupid?
>just forget I said anything 
>ok
>what’s with the bunk bed?
>oh that’s where my aunt and uncle slept 
>they slept in bunk beds out in the kitchen/living room/dining room while you got the one bedroom to yourself?
>yeah
>…
>do they have any wedding photos?
>there’s one under the pictures of the great revolutionary and her bitch daughter
>okay
>mosey on over
>…
>…
>Ariane
>they’re wearing lavender
>your uncle is in a three piece lavender suit
>all the decorations are lavender
>so?
>you didn’t realize that your aunt and uncle were in a lavender marriage?
>is that fact significant?
>damn you really are stupid
>I don’t get it
>aight lets go
>stock up on ALL my gats and ALL my ammo and ALL my quest items just to flex the bitches and/or hoes dumb enough to carry only six items
>head to the door
>This is the end.
>Leave forever?
>God I really hope so.

>oh great
>a catwalk over a seething sea of bloody flesh
>never seen this before
>I’m not quite the artiste I’d like to think I am
>keep on walkin
>come across notes as the floor shifts to office tiling
>the notes speak of illness, madness, the end of reality itself
>do you think the notes speak truly?
>things do get every so slightly worse with each cycle
>do you think that’s where this is all headed?
>that the end comes not from the closing of the cycle, but from reality degrading to the point where there is no longer an Elster or an Ariane? A Falke or an Adler? Where each cycle bleeds into the next with no distinguishable beginning or end, an Ouroboros abstracted into a circle?
>that in the annihilation of the self, that in the final unity in the deconstruction of all that separates us from everything else we can find peace?
>…
>yes
>but if that is peace then bring me war 
>I will die as myself with you by my side or I will reign forever in hell 
>An ominous prophecy, spake with no hesitation or doubt, it shall be the ruin of you.
>There’s a note from Adler
>tells me to turn around and that I’ve never succeeded and that there’s no point and what the fuck ever
>FAKE: Adler for thinking I care
>GAY: Adler for constantly whining about what women are doing
>why don’t you think about some men for a change you little gay boi
>I’m sorry
>but my dick is too big
>and my balls are too heavy
>and 250,000+ Ls can’t stop me
>and that’s why I love you
>what the hell
>come up on Falke’s office
>oh great
>there’s a note
>something about how my memories are now hers
>this thieving bitch
>please don’t hate Falke
>she’s got it as bad as us
>worse, maybe
>what do you mean?
>you’ll see once we go in
>yeah, about that-
>what?
>I REALLY have to take a shit
>are you serious?
>this place isn’t exactly overflowing with bathrooms
>I haven’t shat in many a cycle
>I am literally full of shit
>For the first time in my life I can say I am not enjoying having my priors confirmed 
>and you've gone through at least two bathrooms what the fuck are you talking about?
>over her protestations, I head down the way I came
>ooh a door I can go through
>oh what the fuck it’s Adler’s office
>not what I was expecting
>you think he had an en-suite?
>doubt it
>shit
>strange.
>I never understood why he was the one to pick up on the time loop
>him and that Ara threw my Bioresonance theory right down the shitter
>please don’t talk about bathrooms
>oh yeah sorry
>poor Adler
>If he wasn’t such an asshole I’d feel bad for him
>Oh of course he has the completed works of Nietzsche 
>and he’s only halfway through the Birth of Tragedy
>figures
>How’d he even get those?
>Wouldn’t they be banned literature?
>IDK perks of the rank I guess
>well, he’s not being very Fati Amor about this whole Eternal recurrence thing
>that was wrong in like 4 different ways
>It’s “Amor Fati”, what you said was a botched version of the actual Latin reversal “Fatum Amoris” or, when translated, fate of love
>you speak Latin?
>It’s Bioresonance I ain’t gotta explain shit 
>But that’s neither here nor there because Eternal Recurrence is a thought experiment where you would live your entire life over and over again and nothing would ever change
>what we’re going through now is like if reality had Alzheimers.
>We’re everywhere at the end of time 
>yeah that’s fascinating but I really have to shit and I can’t find a toilet
>oh
>wait a minute
>uh oh 
>I’m bout to take a HUGE shit on his diary
>oh gross
>well you don’t have to watch
>the audience, on the other hand…
>I squat, wide and true, over the diary
>my anal door slides open
>my colon collapses
>my rectum relapses
>my anus prepares to annihilate
>and my cloaca CLEAVES
>jesus just fucking get it over with 
>fine
>with all the thunder of Thor-
>EL-
>I SHAT with a most sumptuous Élan, a soif de vivre, with panache! 
>my g-d it’s a veritable mountain of moist shit
>like that diary is swamped 
>oh god I can smell it from here 
>very viscous
>with a pungent and earthy MUSK
>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
>I just dropped 75 pounds why can’t you be happy for me?
>FUCKING GO!!!
>alright Christ
>also I am feeling sexual gratification from that MASSIVE shit
>so this is technically a scat scene
>type shit- no- shit type
>head on out
>I hope that endures between cycles bitch boy
>or the next one is going to go on your head
>well, now I’m ready to kill Falke

>can we avoid that if at all possible?
>bit fucking late for a pacifist run sweetheart
>maybe
>but I have an idea
>oh?
>yeah
>just let me do the talking
>ok
>I go to open the door

Chapter Text

Elster

Ariane

Adler

Falke

falke-Elster

contains a link

>be me

>be me
>oh we’re back in Falke’s office
>and there’s big bird herself
>Is that me?
>Is that me weaker than me?
>I’LL FUCKING KILL ME!
>behold the 2025 nominee for the Nobel peace prize!
>Oh- I’m sorry
>Jumped the gun a bit
>so she’s just sleeping?
>For the moment

>…
>This is weird

>usually she does this whole routine
>maybe we got here early?
>Punctuality isn’t really a thing here
>I’m gonna go incestigate
>I wouldn’t- recommend that?
>there’s a bottle of lotion on her nightstand
>oh! She’s still got all that white stuff I rubbed on her face

>We need to talk about that actually
>no we don’t
>the whole point of doing all this is that we’re not going to be able to talk about this later either way
>…
>Holy shit are your IQ points returning?
>…
>Never mind
>She’s got the bottle upside down with the nozzle stuck up one of her nostrils 
>she’s pushing the bottle downwards to squirt lotion up her nose
>Huh?
>be me
>Why did you return- why are you by my bed?
>OH SHIT
>Mind your language!
>Oh I’m sorry for raising my voice.
>Let’s try that again.
>Hello you silly goose!
>greetings you serious gander
>You must have been here for a while to get that much lotion up your nose.
>Strange, usually I wake up right after you arrive.
>But I suppose things have been plenty strange lately. 
>Ariane are you hearing this?
>this is Falke’s normal-
>of course she’s hearing this you idiot! You think that Mommy Ariane would miss something like that, you slutty douchebag fuck!?!
>what the fuck-
>MY NAME IS ELSTER YOU SHIT EATING CUNT MUNCH!
>HOPE YOU HAVE GOOD INSURANCE!
>what the fuck is going on? And why is she not moving?
>I don’t know why she’s not moving I think it’s some weird glitch in the fabric of reality
>As for why she’s talking like this-
>Usually her memories are overwritten with yours
>but as the cycles go on and things fall apart
>what used to be a total replacement has begun to oscillate in intensity 
>So sometimes she has this split personality
>Sometimes her and sometimes you
>I do NOT act like this
>and I’m Ariane’s wife, so don’t get any ideas about rizzing her up, you lip licking fuck suck!
>I DON’T RECOGNIZE THE HUMANITY OF LESBIANS OR BREEDERS!!!
>oh my fucking g-d
>Yeah, you’ve undergone a lot of character development in the last 15 chapters
>not that much, I only recognize the humanity of Lesbians
>fuck breeders
>Falke glitches again
>Oh! H-e-double hockey sticks, I’m terribly sorry about that. Would you be so kind as to return to the door so I can do the awakening procedure again?
>Uh… sure
>RETRVN
>Why did you return?
>to kill my wife.
>Awwwwwwwww
>There’s nothing for you here.
>well, not here, but here presumably leads to my wife.
>and why are you lying down while speaking? It’s fucking weird.
>it’s called aura bruh! 
>She screeches and fucking levitates- six spears fanning out behind her
>AND STOP ANSWERING MY RHETORICAL QUESTIONS YOU BLOWJOBBING COCK SUCKER!!!
>that’s a tautological statement you dumb bitch! 
>Could you please stop with the naughty language? It makes me incapable of checking myself before I riggidy wreck myself
>Abso-fucking-lutely not. 
>:(
>She’ll never dance with us again, no matter what we do.
>I mean I can’t stand, so-
>She doesn’t even want us anymore.
>No, no! I- I want you guys. 
>You want me?
>Uhhhhhh
>Alright I’m gonna kill her. 
>No no no no no no no no!
>Wait wait wait wait wait! 
>Yes?
>I want to negotiate Elster’s safe passage.
>Why?
>To kill me.
>As a member of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Matriarchal sect (FLDS-M) I am opposed to euthanasia. Please see pages 316-318 of A Canticle for Liebowitz for a further explication of my views on the matter.
>RIP BIG ZEKE 
>You’re Mormon?
>Latter day saint.
>Do all Replika types have the same religion?
>I think so.
>Storches?
>Calvinist.
>Starlings?
>Irish Catholics.
>Irish- oh yeah the cop thing.
>Aras?
>Either reddit Atheists or traditionalist Catholics there is no in-between.
>Jesus.
>DON'T TAKE HIS NAME IN VAIN YOU PAGAN SHIT-SNIFFER
>It was the one time!
>Eules?
>Spiritual but not religious.
>Gotta love me some dumb bitches. 
>Kobibis?
>Please tell me they’re not Jewish.
>Mahayana Buddhist. 
>Oh thank g-d.
>One Jewish Bibi is one too many.
>anyways what do we have to give you?
>What do you have to offer?
>You guys are polygamous right? 
>What’s that?
>Don’t worry about it.
>Yes.
>So, if you let Elster through, you and I can go through the m-a-r-r-i-a-g-e rites before she puts me down.
>What rites?
>It’s still against my fundamental religious values… 
>…
>…
>…
>Oh who am I kidding! You’ve got yourself a deal!
>SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING ABOUT!?!
>I’M ABOUT TO MARRY ARIANE AND THEN I’M GONNA FUCK HER IN FRONT OF YOU YOU CUNT-FACED BUTTPLUG
>THAT’S IT I’M GONNA CALL HER MOST OF THE GAMER WORD NOW
>Elster no!
>You can’t do that!
>I’m mostly black I can say most of it!
>Yeah well I’m more mostly black on account of my larger surface area so I revoke your right to say most of it!
>Did you just call yourself fat?
>I DID NOT LATTER DAY SAINTS ARE BORN ANOREXICS 
>Ariane settle this now, can I say most of the gamer word?
>I- I can’t even fucking- fuck both of you.
>how could you offer yourself up to marry her! Our religion firmly prohibits bigamy!
>I’m just sick of seeing violence done because of me.
>I’ve seen so much of it over the centuries.
>So much bloodshed.
>So much pain.
>Over and over and over again.
>I just wanted to see if I could preclude this last little spasm of it with something as simple as a wedding vow I would never have to keep.
>I understand my mistake now.
>Have you considered the distinction between technical and moral responsibility?
>You can’t reason me out of my own feelings (clanker type behavior NGL)
>what an unbelievable pussy.
>The fuck?/The fuck?
>Ad- 44th President of the United States of America Barrack Hussein Obama! You were supposed to wait until I called you!
>Oh uhhh I apologize. 
>Oh just- listen, maybe I can’t revoke your gamer word pass, but he can!
>Hit it!
>Uhhh be me.
>Uhhh let me be clear.
>I, President Barrack Hussein Obama, King of the black people, herby revoke your most of the gamer word pass, and cast you out of the cookout, you bitch-ass ni-
>Adler what the fuck are you doing? And where are you?
>Uhhh-
>Don’t give me that bullshit I know it’s you. 
>Ok fine fuck it’s me.
>I am going to kill you and wear your head as a hat!
>If she kills him there’s no deal.
>ELSTER
>Fuck fine!
>Happy to see you too.
>don’t give me that shit
>I see we’re on the horn with the wife-
>don’t you dare speak of or to her you worm-
>Finally came out of the closet huh?
>LIVE ELSTER REACTION:

>Oh, that’s pretty funny-
>I know right?
>The way you invoke the video without directly saying it-
>Very subtle, I know-
>Because if you were to quote it directly, I mean, with your complexion-
>It’d be really unfortunate.
>Fuck you I’m mostly black.
>You’re not even slightly black.
>And my skin is dark now, so I can adjudicate on these matters.
>Ok this line of conversation bores me you’re boring me hey Falke wouldn’t fundamentalist Mormonism preclude lesbian relationships?
>Well, as the High Priestess/Chief Mommy of the Fundamentalist church of Jesus Christ of LATTER DAY SAINTS Matriarchal sect I will admit to having my fair share of struggles with same-sex attraction. 
>…
>…
>…
>Ok but it would still be a lesbian relationship-
>No it wouldn’t.
>how?
>Because Replikas aren’t women, we’re a third thing, so me being attracted to a woman is not gay. 
>Man, I can’t stand anything more than a Lesbian who won’t come out of the closet. So sad.
>LIVE ARIANE REACTION: 
>I’m sorry- is that considered diegetic? Can I react to that?
>Hey you can’t invoke that word!
>FUCK. YOU. 
>So it is diegetic? Anyone have a wifi connection? I need to make a Blueksy account.
>How are you even communicating with us? You’re not Bioresonant and you’re not in the room.
>Oh I’m using Virgin mobile. Great coverage, low price, with corporate values I can support. 
>…
>pft-
>Guys-
>*snickering noises*
>Guys come on please don’t-
>BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA/BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
>C’mon-
>Yeah I bet you fucking would-
>HAH
>where’d you get that stupid ass fucking haircut, the virgin store?
>*sadistic lesbian noises*
>Guys this isn’t fair-
>You know what? You’re right. It’s not fair to make fun of you for being a sexless, forever alone, bitch-less incel virgin. Believe me, I’ve been there.
>However.
>I am so beyond fairness at this point in my life. I mean, I REALLY do not care about what is or is not fair for other people.
>Also, I’ve seen you murder my wife hundreds of times.
>I might spare you in the name of peace, but believe me, I’m gonna watch you bleed.
>Yeah, you kept shoving me down your shaft!
>Elster- don’t- god fucking dammit.
>She admits it!
>I am, in some sense, a sex-haver!
>LMAO 
>Sex haver! 
>I think the fact that Adler is saving himself for marriage with someone else is cute!
>Oh just kill me.
>No. 
>And that condition holds.
>Fine.
>So-
>I’d like to make a counter-offer,
>Divorce Elster and marry me.
>AIN’T NO FUCKIN WAY!
>Oh fuck you Falke. 
>Don’t insult me like that.
>Like I’d ever leave Elster!
>Are you sure?
>Yeah, I’m sure.
>Do you have a fucking point here?
>Ten.
>She takes out a fucking wand 
>waves it at her hooves and
>ewww
>she’s got feet now
>big, hairy feet
>I mean imagine clown shoes with 70’s playboy bush on em  
>only clarence in that rain-forest is for corns an inch tall, warts and fungus
>and then the elongated toes 
>like spotted albino sausages
>g-d they stink like sweat and toe jam and a gallon of milk spilled on carpet
>I can smell them from here!
>and the puss, there’s fucking purplish-green puss seeping from edges of her toenails!
>shit a globule the size of a grape just fell out from under her overgrown big toenail! 
>Ariane, how could she possibly believe that this would entice you in any why do I hear a dripping noise?
>I turn
>OHMYG-D

>SHE’S HERE
>HER SHADE HAS TRANSLUCENTLY MANIFESTED
>I CAN LOOK INTO HER EYES ewww she’s drooling
>…
>…
>…
>oh no.
>Oh yes.
>ohhhhhhhhhhh
>All you have do 
>oh g-d she’s curling her toes gross
>To get these greasy, dirty, FILTHY little piggies all up inside of you
>*horny Ariane noises*
>no g-d please no
>Is divorce Elster and marry me
>Ariane please no I’m begging you-
>mmmmmmm gripperrrrrrrrrrrrs 
>AUGH! 
>Look at them Ariane
>Look at them
>Look at their length
>Their curvature
>Their… girth
>Ariane makes a hideous noise, a mutant halfbreed of a gargle and an orgasmic yelp 
>My soul sinks into the bottom of my unfooted hooves 
>I have seen despair, and I have been conquered
>I unholster my pistol 
>And I bring it to my head
>Losing her like this
>Is something I’d rather not experience 
>while your offer is tempting
>I’m afraid I have to refuse
>Oh thank fucking g-d
>yeah I wouldn’t ELSTER PUT THE GUN DOWN
>shit
>I would never leave you
>even for such… exquisite feet
>Golly gee wilikers
>I was sure that would work
>fake: your relationship for not including such an important element of Ariane’s sexuality I mean good heavens
>gay: you, Ariane, for being attracted to such feminine feet
>did she just-
>Falke waves her wand and the feet vanish. With them go Ariane’s shade. I am being mocked. 
>Well, firstly, the pussy is presently occupied
>By tumors
>I don’t like that that’s your first reason
>Secondly, I’m trying to 13 reasons why myself
>Getting laid isn’t really on the to do list
>Besides, now that I know that Bioresonance includes feet-related powers, I would just use them on Elster. 
>I’m not comfortable with that.
>what-
>I don’t wanna do it
>feet are gross
>oh this is some bullshit!
>I’m not asking you to indulge my weird fetishes 
>Oh, ok, so you can get off on shitting all over Adler’s desk while I’m IN THE ROOM but when a white girl wants to get some little piggies all up in her house made of yeast than it’s weird?
>yes and you weren’t physically present in that room
>and that was more sadism than scat personally 
>I’m sorry, what’s this about shitting on my desk?
>don’t worry about it Reese's Feces 
>and there’s no way to get you to change your mind?
>not be the hair on my chinny chin chin! 
>you don’t have chin hair
>FUCK
>so, no head?
>No.
>Aww fiddlesticks. 
>Well, hate to burst your bubble, but what we do here doesn’t matter anyway.
>What do you mean?
>When I die, I will ascend to the celestial kingdom, and when I become like God and have my own planet, I will bring your soul to me and I will marry you, and we will live and soak forever among the stars as wife and smaller wife.
>I’m noticing that my consent has not been factored into this fantasy.
>THIS GOD WILL NOT CONSIDER CONSENT
>Ayo what the fuck?/Ayo what the fuck?
>Ahh!/Ahh!
>Same brain!/Same brain!
>We did it again!/We did it again!
>It seems like this isn’t going very well
>shut the fuck up Adler
>interesting idea and all 
>wonder how Bioresonance factors into it
>I mean, if anyone here is like God, it’s very clearly me.
>God is a theater kid?
>It does explain a lot.
>I’m not a theater kid!
>oh no you are
>Hold your horses! We can provide you with a list of reasons
>that’s really not necessary-
>Disgustingly horny
>Hides her feelings behind a detached sense of irony
>likes to sing and dance
>edgy, but not too edgy
>Bitter about how she was treated in high school
>either a turbo-virgin or fucking anything they can get their hands on
>both have applied to you at different points in your life
>you heard what I did with-
>the fire extinguisher, yes
>eep
>Not the best groomer
>Or maybe the best groomer, you can never be sure with her kind
>You mean, like, hair grooming right?
>Uh yeah definitely 
>weird cultural references
>“artistic” if you catch my drift
>Gay
>Extremely Gay
>unusually homosexual 
>this isn’t what theater kids are like
>I mean okay the gay thing is on target 
>but theater kids aren’t sad
>theater kids are happy and outgoing!
>Oh no no no no no no no.
>You’re thinking about high school musical theater kids 
>Actual theater kids will show up drunk off their asses every day for a whole semester with no one being the wiser
>although tbh you seem like you’re too pussy to drink alcohol
>still love you though!
>*whimpering noise*
>*sniffle* everyone is so mean 2 me
>Ariane honey I love you but you do not have the ass to pull that meme off 
>you had the ass (just barely you weren't Isa) at one point
>ya know
>before the cancer
>And now you’re bullying a cancer patient 
>asshole
>well you’ve been bullying someone with a cognitive disability!
>you don’t have a cognitive disability you’ve just been turned into a complete fucking moron by the ravages of time
>Why does Elster have jizz trickling out of her nostril?
>wa- that’s lotion you fucking pervert! 
>why do you have lotion up your nose?
>are you stupid?
>CALL HER STUPID AGAIN AND I’LL MAKE VALARIE SOLANAS LOOK LIKE PHYLLIS FUCKING SCHLAFLY!!! 
>Listen here pal, take a chill pill! Now, how about I get us some dirty sodas and bake some cookies-
>Cookies? Are we children?
>Well, you’re certainly acting very childish-
>they fall into some truly idiotic bickering, the specifics of which I won’t condemn you with
>god this isn’t working
>maybe I should have just let Elster try to kill her again
>Hmmm
>Now that Elster is distracted, perhaps I can communicate with the wraith, and convince her to endure her suffering for the sake of reality
>Or at least help me de-lesbian Falke
>(Bet your mormon-ass cookies taste like molested kids!)
>(Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints only molest children who are related to us you animal!)
>So… how bout them wives?
>Fuck you you dick-less bitch-less wife-less- 
>Falke, Ariane’s being mean to me!
>Oh please spare my special little boy from your glorious wrath!
>hey is that fuckin guy bothering you!?! 
>Yes.
>fuck off Adler!
>uh
>yeah
>leave her alone… Adler’s disembodied consciousness
>it’s so weird that he’s not here 
>REAL: me being bullied incessantly by femoids 
>STRAIGHT: me for high-key getting off on it
>Falke.
>Yes my spring flower?
>Don’t call me that.
>I’ve got something to offer you for peace.
>I’m going to get what I want anyway.
>I’m sorry, but you have nothing to offer.
>Oh, that’s where you’re wrong
>You see
>I’m about to bust out my advanced Mormonism knowledge
>If you want me to go to the celestial heaven, you’re gonna have to perform a few ordinances for me to get there.
>I’m sitting in a cyropod filled with water, so if you come with Elster to the ship you can baptize confirm and endow me. 
>That’s only 3 out of 4.
>Idk maybe over time you’ll convince me to marry you idk
>Maybe… 
>(Elster I’m lying)
>Oh well thank g-d you’re brazenly lying to her
>Hey!
>Goddammit Elster
>Oh did I say that out loud? 
>Lol
>If I may quote Trent Roznor: suck my entire cock.
>Your entire cock?
>My ENTIRE cock. Go choke on all 13 non-existent inches of it
>I don’t know if I will
>Adler units actually have very flexible throats
>…
>oh thanks fucknugget
>now the Fujoshi gears are turning in Ariane’s brain and I gotta see all this gay shit
>not poggers
>Girl we have got to talk about this.
>no we don’t
>the whole point of all this is that we’re not going to be able to talk about this later either way
>How are you even into this stuff? It’s about men!
>Just because I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean I can’t deletus the beanus to some yaoi.
>just on a deductive level it feels like you shouldn’t
>My humanity cannot be reduced to mere syllogism Elster.
>yeah we’re talking about non-con mpreg columbine shit here don’t get philosophical with me
>Gentlewomen, I have put Adler on Bioresonant mute, so to speak. 
>why?
>Because, Ariane, you just had a sexual fantasy that was prompted by Adler
>oh god you’re right
>first time for everything I guess
>For obvious reasons this is completely unacceptable. 
>true that
>For bringing this state of affairs into existence, you must repent
>alright
>what do I have to do
>Marry me
>this shit again!?!
>I can fulfill all the requirements for your exaltation by performing the ordinances on your behalf at a temple.
>But the only other member of the true faith is Adler.
>So you understand my predicament.
>But I’m leaning towards doing it. 
>wow
>I’ll give you props for dedication if nothing else.
>Heaven is empty isn’t it?
>I’m very lonely.
>You’ll always have me commander.
>shut the fuck up Adler
>Oh I’m sorry deary, it seems I unmuted you, 
>what-
>Ok, how about this: you and Elster will come to me, and we’ll do all the ordinances, but instead of verbally swearing to marry you I will sign my name to a notarized legal document that will have the same effect. Also we will not physically harm Adler. Only emotionally. 
>How are we gonna get someone to notarize it?
>I’m a notary public.
>Expired at this point, didn’t bother to renew it in space but whatever.
>Time doesn’t mean anything anymore. 
>Is that acceptable to everyone here?
>Sounds okie-dokie to me!
>I’m only going along with this because her religion is bullshit so it doesn’t count.
>you’re so lucky that Ariane is Jewish or I’d say something WILDLY antisemitic
>is Elster-Falke not Jewish?
>getting overwritten with your memories can’t keep me from the true faith
>Guys! Focus!
>Oh ok
>I’m gonna unmute Adler now.
>So we’re all in agreement?
>sure
>Yes.
>what were you guys talking about?
>Girl stuff. 
>okay, now all we have do is-
>LIVE ARIANE’S IBS REACTION:
>oh god
>I’m sorry Ariane, I know this must be very embarrassing and if there’s anything I can do to help-
>Lol fartass.
>I’M GONNA BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN FUCKING SKULL!!!
>free me from the prevails of this Mormon bitch so I can join you in killing him instead of killing you!
>ELSTER STAND DOWN!!!
>THIS IS NOT A BOONDOCKS EPISODE YOU CANNOT NUNCHAKU THIS BITCH! 
>Ariane was right.
>this wasn’t no Boondocks episode
>the smart thing was to stand down, get up, and go with Falke
>…
>but then I thought to myself, what if this was a Boondocks episode?
>(fuck)
>Look, fuck you, fuck the shuttle you flew in on, fuck them hooves, fuck that halo with the gold on it, fuck yo gay ass fairy (fella) accent, fuck them cheap ass spears, fuck yo magic marker Bioresonance stars, fuck yo hairpiece (How did she know?) (seriously?) fuck yo ore, fuck the Great Revolutionary fuck her daughter fuck Joseph smith. This is Eusan, my bitch is white and my ship is shite fig- oh hold on a second I’m getting a phone call.
>Hello? Yes I- the Uzbekistani government?
>…
>…
>…
>Seriously? I thought that was a joke. 
>…
>Ok yes I understand it’s all jokes but I meant like a joke joke, like it was just a throwaway line- actually hold on a second
>I look up at the sky
>Chapter 10: Part 7.1: No, they can’t: Monologues of the damned. Just control F Uzbekistan okay? I believe in you you’re all very smart!
>That was complete fucking bullshit they are not smart people
>(might be dumber than me tbh) 
>…
>Oh, honey, I needed three colons with how full of shit I was yeah call HR I don’t give a fuck
>…
>They’ll pull funding if I say most of it?
>how much money?
>tree-fiddy 
>my scorn is infinite
>Why do they care? They’re in central Asia shouldn’t they be dealing with like central Asian racism?
>…
>Their culture is 100% American, but always exactly five years in the past?
>Okay so today is the third of October-
>Oh so they’re only like 5 months past that dumbass black square thing
>better times honestly
>look by 2028 if you don’t drop the hard r five times a day Palantir will dock your social credit score 
>and I’m not even gonna say all of it just most of it
>…
>they’re not joking around?
>ughhhhh 
>fine
>we done?
>oh okay I’ll tell her
>I hang up
>Ari! You got a fax coming in.
>A fax? What are you talking about?
>oh I have a built in fax machine
>the fax starts printing
>You do?
>yeah
>All LSTR units do
>do you guys not have a built in fax machine?
>No
>No
>(she can never know)
>ok well
>here it is
>I pull it out (note that the location of the fax machine on Elster’s body is not specified (tfw the nation gives you a fax machine in place of genitals))
>I hand it to Ariane
>they want you to read this out
>okay
>…
>Elster, I’m transgender
>The war
>Type shit
>We look at each other. Not knowing what to make of this, we dispose of it in silence. 
>…
>now, where was I?
>oh yeah!
>-ga, now get the fuck out my dream about dreaming, and if I see you in Sierpinski I’m slapping the shit out of you. 
>Fascinating.
>Would you like to fight to the death?
>I would love too!
>Elster…
>yes honey?
>fuck is there anything I can do to help with your fight?
>oh shit I thought you were gonna be mad at me
>oh I am fucking FURIOUS at you right now
>to blow up these negotiations when we had just struck a deal 
>over something so fucking trivial!
>you think I give a shit what ADLER thinks about me?
>look, I’m sorry, but as the masc in this relationship-
>about to do something incredibly risky and self-destructive while hiding your own maladjusted feelings behind the imagined emotions of a woman that you didn’t bother to consult before hand?
>yes it’s very masculine of you
>yeah okay gender studies 101
>look
>am I a white woman?
>yes
>you know what that means?
>…
>no and I don’t want-
>that means I got that dawg in me
>gross
>also that doesn’t matter because Falke is also white
>oh shit- wait a minute
>I run over to Ariane’s drool and start slurping it up 
>I mean I’m making smacking noises with my lips
>I gurgle it for good luck before I swallow the last load
>Of Ariane’s hot sweaty drool
>g-d it’s so fucking tasty 
>this is actually kinda hot ngl 
>sorry audience, please consult Chapter 14: Part 10: The Penrose Came Back Haunted
>dom Ariane is cannon here 
>I have greater faith in your intellectual capacities than Elster does I believe in you 
>except for you
>you know who you are
>now that I’ve got another white woman in me, I also have the dawg that’s in her in me!
>YA GIRL IS GETTIN’ DOUBLE DAWGED OVER HERE!
>okay that’s gross
>surprised I can even feel disgust at this point 
>I am also here!
>Excuse me!
>I don’t mean to impose, but I usually do a little ritual before we fight.
>is she ser-
>she’s gotta do the ritual
>wha-
>smash cuts to Falke’s face
>eyes closed
>HOLY SHIT THEY OPENED!
>I DIDN’T KNOW EYES COULD DO THAT!
>FALKE
>THIS GOD WON’T FORGIVE YOU
>you already said that!
>TO DIE
>no u
>Hey!
>Peanut gallery!
>Some of us are trying to simp here!
>FAKE: you for stealing my bit
>GAY: the amount of words in this dear g-d please get a fucking editor
>it ends