Chapter Text
Loo Loo Land (Pt. 2)
Seeing Loo Loo, Stolas excitedly pointed his daughter towards the mascot expecting excitement from her. Octavia simply said she had a question and Loo Loo opened the door for her with the dumbest “A-hyuk” laugh in Hell. Octavia smugly asked if the park was a shameless spin-off of Lucifer's Lu Lu World, and Loo Loo denied it after an awkward pause. Octavia plainly noted that the whole place “reeks of insecure corporate shame”, causing her father to nervously chuckle. Suggesting they go check out the rides, he grabbed Octavia’s hand and pulled her away, but not without her staring at Loo Loo the whole time. Now speaking out of character, Loo Loo commented about how creepy Octavia was to I.M.P., and Blitzø gave an offhand remark about her dad diddling people's holes. Loo Loo wondered what that meant and Moxxie confrontationally warned him to stand clear and that he knew he was a pervert under the costume. Once Moxxie and Millie walked away as well, Loo Loo dejectedly agreed with Moxxie’s ‘pervert’ accusation.
A lot of the demons with reasonable criticisms against Loo Loo Land, most notably Charlie, Blitzø, Asmodeus, and Octavia herself, chuckled and clapped when they watched the Goetian princess plainly call out Loo Loo Land for what it really was.
Mammon on the hand, ignored the 'spin-off' comment just as he ignored all the cease-and-desist orders. The Sin of Greed knew perfectly well that a lot of eyes were going to be on him because of how widely Enigma's broadcasts reached, but that's fine. Sure, Lucifer was finally forced back out into the light and he was the only actual credible threat to Loo Loo Land's existence, but he has way bigger problems to deal with right now than infringements upon Lu Lu World.
On the positive side, the wide media coverage will definitely mean a net boost when it comes to attracting new souls to visit Loo Loo Land, even if some regulars might now be turned off by the detail that Loo Loo's a pervert.
As far as Mammon saw it so far, Loo Loo Land's gonna be fine.
Chatter rose up quickly in Jack’s bar at the recent scene.
“Damn, so whoever owns Loo Loo Land has ripped off another park owned by Lucifer?" Jack asked in amazement. “Copying the Devil definitely takes some serious balls.”
“There was a name on the front sign. ‘Mammon’, I think it was. It doesn’t ring any bells to me, though.” One of the patrons pointed out.
“Actually, I think I recognize it!” A student declared, the same student who brought in demon-related resources and records last time. She scrambled through her scattered pages until finding what she was searching for. “Yep, right here! Mammon is has multiple descriptions in these texts, including ‘The Grand Treasurer of Hell’, ‘The Golden Demon’, or even “The Prince of Greed’.
“So what does that insulate? He definitely sounds famous and influential, so is Mammon another member of the Goetia?” Jack inquired.
“Bigger than the Goetia, I believe! These words makes a lot of direct references and implied connections to other big names like Satan and Lucifer, so I imagine Mammon might actually be on their same level!” The student hypothesized.
“Really…?”
“Shit… Is that why Loo Loo Land is able to exist? Because Mammon's some legit and equal competitor to Lucifer?”
“Does that mean there’s more than one major ruler or king of Hell? Oh, balls…”
On a normal day, more people would have commented on a theme park (one which admits children) mascot secretly being a pervert, but considering that Stolas was taking a prominent spotlight in the transmission so far, that thought has hardly entered most people’s thoughts.
Most of them could only hope that the wholesome wonderful-singer Stolas who loves his daughter was a better reflection of his true self than the Stolas that was being dangerously horny for Blitzø.
Jogging a moderate distance and pausing to catch their breaths, Moxxie inquired with Millie about her really liking Loo Loo Land. She explained that her parents would bring her and her siblings there in times when they had some money to spend. Their attention was then brought to a nearby gift shop, as a park worker wheeled a pile of money inside. Moxxie commented on the criminal prices, using a novelty cup costing twenty-nine souls as an example.
Fizzarolli let out a guilty sigh at this. “Props to her and her family for being able to enjoy and actually make something out of that shithole, even if in my opinion it’s still a complete waste of cash, hard-earned or not.”
“It’s fucking insane how a place like Loo Loo Land is able to make so much despite common sense suggesting it would do the opposite.” Asmodeus grumbled. “Mammon really has his entire Ring wrapped into his spiderweb of an economy. They’ll buy their own stolen and compromised IDs for ten times its value as long as he is the one selling it to them.”
“You say ‘common sense’ as if it means anything in Hell.” Fizzarolli joked. “I'm even starting to doubt Heaven has it either. How have they not done anything about Enigma yet? You think they'd have contingencies for something like that.”
Ozzie chucked humorously at that. "I've known those had no common sense the moment they appointed Adam and began the Exterminations."
Anybody familiar with the inner workings of for-profit entertainment parks, whether it be the Loo Loo Land employees themselves, human ones, or winner ones now residing in Heaven, nodded their heads in recognition of Moxxie’s comments on souvenir prices.
“Oh, yeah. Theme park merch and prizes are always overpriced. You’d actually save money if you just search up and order online whatever the parks try to offer.” Said a small retail manager.
“Apparently that doesn’t seem to faze Millie however. What do you think her family does for a living which lets them splurge on Loo Loo Land and like it?” Asked one of the retailer’s accountants.
“This might be very stereotypical, but her accent and excitement over Loo Loo Land suggests an upbringing in the fields.” The retailer answered. “Lu Lu World sounds like one of those high-end pricey parks that aren’t too economic for more rural families while Loo Loo Land is actually in their price range even if the quality sucks. So my assumptions are that Millie and her family could be farmers or ranchers who'd still see some value in Loo Loo Land while urban and middle-class families would never touch it.”
“Interesting. I guess my family out in the country don’t have much to worry about if they end up in Hell. If Hell needs farmers, then they’ll be willing to provide.” The accountant pondered.
While the imp couple looked at the merch, Blitzø popped in nearby, loaded up with one of the novelty cups and a souvenir beer cap, because of course he did. He nudged Moxxie teasingly, encouraging him to just vibe with his wife. While Stolas was in the background showing a souvenir shirt to a frowning Octavia, Blitzø proposed to his employees that he would take the current watch while they could have some fun, giving a wink. Squealing in happiness, Millie immediately capitalized on this and carried her husband away towards her favorite ride. When Moxxie asked which ride, the scene cut to ‘The Lawsuit’, which contained among other things a ninety-degree downward drop with enough G-force for the carriages and rider to catch fire. Moxxie yelped “Oh, crumbs!” in terror as he was carried inside.
“Huh. Surprised you two didn’t immediately go somewhere to boink.” Blitzø said casually.
Moxxie was, unsurprisingly, now used to hearing his boss discussing his and Millie’s sex lives. “Sir, you know perfectly well that Millie and I are ‘active’ enough, considering that you never shut up about watching us do ‘it’.”
“I’m just saying, I would only wink at you two like that if I was thinking about you two fucking.” His boss shrugged.
While Blitzø and Moxxie continued their bickering, Millie clapped in excitement for the nostalgia and seeing herself happily spending time with her husband. Loona rolled her eyes, glad that her on-screen self didn’t go with them and be personally exposed to more of her coworkers' stupid antics.
Even if the average Joe wasn’t excited for an extreme ride such as The Lawsuit, seeing Millie (at the very least) and Moxxie have fun gave them a nice break from lamenting over Octavia’s situation and the sad quality and state of Loo Loo Land. Anybody with a healthy aversion to risk or who gets motion sickness easily gaped at The Lawsuit, and knew full well in advance that Moxxie probably would not be able to handle it well.
On the other end of the spectrum, people who loved extreme sports and experiences hungrily looked at the roller coaster and the park in general as an enticing challenge or entry on their bucket list. Even thrill-seekers on Earth and in Heaven had their interest peaked on visiting the Hell-based park, even if was likely impossible for any of them to see the Greed Ring.
But still, what else could a questionably-maintained theme park have to offer that legal and regulated tourist locations didn’t? How many other people could brag about having ridden a straight-fall roller coaster on fire?!
The imp couple’s turn on the ride was completely skipped. The aftermath showed Moxxie purging his belly into a trash can while Millie rested her hand on his back in concern. A large wyvern-like creature also leaned its head close to the imps curiously from the petting zoo in the background. Meanwhile, Blitzø did as he said he would and continuously escorted Stolas (now holding a balloon) and Octavia as they passed by the many demon and anti-angel themed games and food stands. Rifle always equipped and loaded, the imp’s stealth was extremely questionable, especially as he slid straight through ‘HOT & COLD DRUNKS’ while the two patrons and bartender there stared at the interloper in annoyance.
In Hell, viewers looked upon more of I.M.P.’s goofy antics as just as laughable as what they saw hours ago. Imps like the ones Blitzø attempted to sneak past or the various Loo Loo Land workers and other patrons seen on screen felt discomfort or uneasiness at being caught near this whole situation, and thought about avoiding Loo Loo Land for a bit. Stolas tried to hype up his daughter a bit, but she had an expression and pose identical to her future self for most of the viewing so far.
In Heaven, many angels questioned the state of the theme park and the aggressive and antagonistic content of the various food and games. However, after already being exposed to plenty of Hell’s and Earth’s realities, plenty of angels with more pessimism inside them weren’t surprised anymore. Who were they to judge Hell’s naming and theming choices for their entertainment?
It was Earth, the most in-the-dark and naïve of the realms, that had the most general and consistent interest in everything going on. For example…
“Is that a giant scaled creature with wings resembling common ‘mythological’ depictions of dragons?!” Dr. Cellar said in a sentence too scientific, long, and convoluted to properly fit with how shocked he sounded.
Concerning everybody already him, the professor viciously dug through his notes on other Hell creatures resembling popular monster concepts, such as hellhounds, which he noted as a possible explanation for werewolf myths and stories.
“It all makes sense! Most of our myths, our ghost stories, our folk tale monsters, they’re probably based on sightings and descriptions of creatures native to Hell! This opens up so many possible theories about Hell’s, Earth’s, and Heaven’s mutual interactions throughout history!” The scientist blabbered.
Prof. McMann decided to make an offhand remark to the people of his department, who were just as concerned about Cellar’s unending energy as he was.
“If Hell has any full-on zoos, libraries, or it's own Wikipedia, I hope Cellar never sees them. He’s already made a dozen different theories and is trying to patent them as 'Cellar Theory #1' and '#2' and so on.”
As the Goetias passed in front of the shooting game ‘Stop that Soul’, a band of devious imps watched them from behind cover with weapons, bags, and ropes ready. They quickly got out of sight as Blitzø looked in their direction.
Anybody who wasn’t treating the threat of the nobles getting kidnapped seriously enough were quite surprised that threats against them actually existed. Others were more frustrated that they didn’t seem to be getting addressed enough.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Stolas!” Stella said in a chastising manner. “Why would you be so cheap or short-sighted as to not have your legions clear the park of ruffians before going there with our daughter?!”
Before Stolas could answer, Octavia beat him to it. “Probably to try and stick to what he said about the trip being ‘just the two of us’. Yet he still decided to invite the entire company of the red dickhead he likes anyway.”
“Such fucking insanity…” Stella muttered, pretty much precluding any of Stolas’s attempts to speak. Secretly though, Stella's brother at his own home was starting to wonder if going to events without guards and escorts was a common thing her husband did, and whether that could be…exploited.
Security and military personnel across the world now had concerns about Stolas’s and Octavia’s safety fresh in their minds as the first tangible threats to their lives appeared on screen.
“Oh, fucking ‘ell. I guess there are reasons to fret.” Commented an off-duty Grenadier Guard as he watched from a local pub.
“One assassin-turned-bodyguard for a prince and his daughter? In the seediest theme park I've ever seen?” A nearby American tourist said rhetorically. “Blitzø has a lot of weight to pull, I must say.”
“Let’s see if he can fight as well as he can sling his insults. We didn’t even get to see him shoot Martha last time, so I want to know how his marksmanship really is.” The Grenadier Guard said in anticipation. “Are you a tourist, by the way?”
“Yeah, my uncle is in the Secret Service. Blitzø’s situation would be his biggest nightmare.” The American said. “There are singers and rappers with more bodyguards than Stolas has settled for.”
Stolas couldn’t help but brush Blitzø’s horn with his finger, saying how thrilling it was to see him at work. Blitzø told him to save it since he was working, and Octavia commented that the two boys needed to get a room. Blitzø lightly defended himself saying he wasn’t a ‘day-hooker’, earning a look from a passing imp mother. Huffing at this, Blitzø again repeated what he said and flipped the passerby off.
Stolas somehow managed to make more and more people get progressively fed up with his behavior. Those with dangerous and serious professions hated that he was actively flirting with and distracting his only nearby bodyguard, who himself was even trying to stay focused on his job. Others who wanted the best for Octavia couldn’t even begin to try and rationalize her father’s decision to bring her and Blitzø anywhere in the same vicinity.
Even in Hell, the rest of the Goetia family was legitimately starting to have more respect for Blitzø’s work ethic than then did for Stolas’s unprofessionalism. Was it so hard for him to focus only on his daughter for one measly little day trip?!
“I must say, if he wasn’t an imp, then even our assassin ‘friend’ could possibly substitute Stolas’s position adequately enough.” Andrealphus commented to himself. Though of course he wasn’t actually serious about wanting Stolas’s title to be held by anyone other than himself, especially not Blitzø.
A couple of humans who opted not to give Stolas their current attention noticed yet another weird thing Blitzø said.
“Wait, why did…?” A party-goer and clubber started to say before cutting herself off.
“What is it?” Her friend asked her.
Now having a smirk on her face, the woman giggled before answering. “Why did Blitzø feel like clarifying that he wasn’t a ‘day-hooker’, and not just a hooker in general? Do we think he has partaken in some certain activities during nighttime or something?”
“Uh… I think he was saying he's not gonna fuck Stolas in broad daylight. ...But then again, the way he worded it, it sounds like Blitzø has a longer history of 'bodies' than we've seen.”
They honestly weren’t sure whether to be humored or confused by what Blitzø could have been insinuating. In the end though, they still preferred his brand of weirdness as opposed to Stolas’s. This was the case for many humans and angels; at Stolas’s current expense, Blitzø was actually growing on most people.
Stolas suddenly gasped and excitedly pointed at a ‘circus’ tent a distance away, its entrance lined primarily with Robo Fizz posters and ads. Just outside, the same imp mother who passed by Blitzø was struggling to drag her son inside. Stolas reminisced about how his daughter used to cry tears of joy at the tent’s show while Octavia with evident panic in her voice went “Oh, no…” The scene cut to another flashback where Octavia, still a child, was in the tent and getting pushed up to the stage by the surrounding crowd of imp children. On stage was the park’s Robo Fizz flanked by his band of terrifying animatronics collectively called ‘Fizzarolli ‘N Friends’. Robo Fizz leaned down towards Octavia, revealing his distorted laugh, sharp teeth, and sinister-looking mannerisms.
As if he was copying a meme, Mammon pointed at Robo Fizz in recognition from his comfy seat. “Hey! If it ain’t my biggest Robo Fizz moneymaker himself! You've really grown, haven't you?! Even the Goetia can’t get enough of you!”
He was probably one of the few living beings genuinely happy to see that specific Robo Fizz. Not even the original Fizzarolli was as enthused.
“That is about the only way people should feel when they think about Loo Loo Land, especially the Robo Fizz.” Muttered Fizz, agreeing with Octavia’s dread and negative feelings related to Robo Fizz and her previous visits.
“Those poor kids are gonna grow up thinking that cheap and robotic performances are all you actually do, or that you’re actually as creepy and ‘friendly to strangers’ as your clones are.” Ozzie mumbled.
“And why did he fucking call that shitty tent a ‘circus’?! It’s not a circus! It's just a cheap stage covered by a striped piece of cloth! I would know, considering I grew up in an actual circus!” Fizz rambled, insulted that the Loo Loo Land ‘circus’ would dare try to identify itself as similar to the true authentic deal. One of many advantages of living with Ozzie was that he could privately speak his mind there, something that would not fly in public or near Mammon.
Meanwhile, viewers elsewhere were really starting to understand Octavia’s sentiment against the park, especially as Robo Fizz and his band of friends came into view. Those with fears of animatronics, clowns, jesters, or just grotesque mimicries of humanoid creatures in general freaked the fuck out.
They felt even worse knowing that she actually had to see those monstrosities as a little girl. Maybe all demons needed a bit of therapy after all, even the rich ones and non-eccentric ones.
Little Octavia quickly broke down into tears as Robo Fizz cackled at the crowd. Near the tent’s entrance, a younger Blitzø was dressed as a clown, complete with a fake red nose, leaning on a food cart, scowling at Robo Fizz. The broadcast cut back to the ‘present’, where both Blitzø and Octavia simultaneously said “I hate that fucking clown.”
Blitzø’s previous place of employment undoubtedly took everyone by surprise, though plenty of those who held similar jobs could easily relate, guessing correctly that Loo Loo Land’s wages weren’t particularly impressive. Some viewers now figured that more potentially lucrative income was probably one of the motivations for the founding of I.M.P.
However, anybody who personally knew Blitzø had significantly more shocked reactions to learning that he once worked at Loo Loo Land.
“You worked there?!” Loona, Moxxie, and Millie yelled at the same time, forcing their boss to cover his ears.
“He worked there?!” Fizz exclaimed in surprise.
“Blitzo worked there?” Verosika addressed her posse, who were just as clueless as she was.
“Blitzy worked at Loo Loo Land?” Stolas said both surprise and delight. “While Via used to go there?! It’s like it’s fate!”
Both Stella and Octavia gave him more looks for that. It's like he forgot all the episode's implied criticisms against him for that moment.
“Ugh. Fucking Enigma’s so fucking dead-” Blitzø groaned. “Yes, you nosey assholes. I had a few stints there, some seasonal jobs back before any of us met. And I have nothing else to say about that other than that I was younger, poor and dumb as shit back then, and you wouldn’t catch me dead working there today.”
“I guess we’re just a bit confused is all.” Millie clarified. “We see all yer memorabilia ‘bout your days in the circus, but instead we see you sellin’ balloons at Loo Loo Land? Somethin’ just ain’t matching up.”
“You don’t even want to talk about whatever you did in the past either, so we really have little to go on to understand any of this.” Moxxie said in tandem.
“And I’m still not talking about any of that shit today. You’d have to hold Loona hostage to get that information out of me.” Blitzø said firmly.
“Enigma probably doesn’t. He seems to know everything about everyone already.” Loona said with exhaustion and acceptance that most of their secrets might not remain secret for long. She was both nervous about having her past shown universally, but equally as curious as anyone about her adoptive father's past.
Internally, Loona's remark made Blitzø a bit panicky, as he realized that there was no reason to believe Enigma was incapable of showing any past event, no matter how sensitive or private. And holy fuck did Blitzø have a sensitive and private past. The imp was now hoping that maybe someone else like Stolas would be holding Enigma’s main attention for as much as possible. Blitzø always wanted to be the star of the show, but not this show!
Panning nearby, Stolas was getting roped, tied up, bound, bagged, and pickpocketed by the local ruffians while Octavia and Blitzø weren’t watching. With absolutely no concern in his voice, the prince said he needed his bodyguard. Reacting, Blitzø took a shot at one of the imps that was about to attack Stolas with a pitchfork, dropping them and causing the rest to scatter away from Stolas.
Two humans, one who works as a bouncer for a club and the other having actual experience in bodyguarding, sighed at this.
“That prince is actually off his rocker. People are literally trying to kidnap him and he’s treating it like a game and a paid experience.” The bouncer commented in disapproval.
“If I was in Blitzø’s situation, maybe I’d let Stolas get roughed up a tiny bit. Just so he’ll hopefully learn that having people wanting to kill him is not a laughing matter.” The bodyguard pondered.
“Well Blitzø still has to protect him since he’s getting paid. …Or at least I hope he’s getting paid.” The bouncer stated. “I.M.P. better actually get their money’s worth for actually accepting this job.”
Entering the big top which was sparsely populated only with imp children, Octavia found and took a seat. Meanwhile, Blitzø literally carried Stolas and plopped him down next to his daughter, the prince’s head still stuck in the sack now stained by the shot kidnapper’s blood. With their bodyguard walking off and Stolas making no effort to uncover himself, Octavia removed the sack from her father’s head herself. In front of them, Robo Fizz emerged from the curtains as he, the spotlights, and some conveniently placed neon signs introduced him. As his voice occasionally glitched and his limbs sometimes sparked, he briefly explained that he was shipped from “Big Ozzie’s factory” to bring them a show celebrating Loo Loo Land (spelled with Os to avoid lawsuits) before telling his band to hit it.
While Robo Fizz generally received a positive reception from most of Greed, especially Mammon, pretty much every other Sin and anybody who liked Lu Lu World rolled their eyes at the robot’s attempts to fortify the park’s blatant infringement. Even Charlie couldn’t help but make a pouty face of disapproval.
For the real Fizz and Ozzie though, the Robo Fizz just sparked more conversation between them.
“Our business dealings with Mammon isn’t very normal, is it?” Fizz wondered. “Both of you are my bosses of sorts. You produce robots that Mammon uses as representations of his entertainment brand, which is based on me and my face. One of those robots represents his cheap copy Lu Lu World which by all means should not exist if poor Lucifer wasn’t depressed or something.”
“You’re the one who agreed to having them created in the first place, and the one who so 'generously' ensured him a majority cut in the contracts.” Ozzie said in annoyance. “I keep telling you, you’re giving Mammon more than he deserves from you.”
“And I keep telling you that he gave me this life in the first place and he deserves all I can give back to him.” Fizz said stubbornly.
“With his maintenance and upkeep habits?” Ozzie snarked. “Look at that Robo Fizz, all sparkling and stuttering. Nobody’s been maintaining that poor guy. His processors must be overloaded. He could snap at any moment. If it weren't for me, your needs would be neglected too!”
"No they wouldn't! Mammon cares about me more than anything!" Fizz protested.
"Ugh... Let's just agree to disagree on that..." Ozzie sighed.
“My God! That is more than just a simple animatronic! That is a completely independent and mobile robot!” A human software engineer exclaimed.
“That shit is advanced too!” Gaped a nearby mechanical engineer. “Its movements are so life-like, and its limbs are so dexterous and controlled! I need to see the blueprints! What does such an amazing creation look like on the inside?!”
A nearby HR assistant intern, who happened to be an expert lip reader, was also a bit intimidated by Robo Fizz. “Even the mouth movements are accurate to what he’s saying. Eugh... If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume that thing is truly alive.”
All over Earth, engineers, robotics company represntatives, and technological enthusiasts ranging from garage inventors to military researchers stared at the Robo Fizz with either wonder or horror. Those in wonder imagined the possibilities and benefits of technological sharing (or espionage if push comes to shove) between Hell and Earth. Those in horror were concerned that Earth may actually be behind Hell both in arcane and technological matters, meaning that the former realm would have less to bring to the table in any kind of diplomatic talks. They doubted Hell would just be willing to give away examples of their technology to their mortal neighbors.
With a snap of the clone's fingers, the stage lights ignited, the curtains fully parted, and the animatronic band (including Big Woobly with a guitar) began playing as Robo Fizz started singing his Loo Loo Land tribute song. Dancing and singing, Robo Fizz gestured closely at various audience members including Stolas and Octavia before Blitzø threatened him away with his rifle. The grotesque animatronics played their mostly bluegrass-themed instruments as Robo Fizz embraced a group of imp children before flinging them all over the place.
♫ Loo Loo Land, Loo Loo Land! ♫
♫ Everybody sing along with the Loo Loo band ♫
♫ Ev'ry boy, ev'ry girl, ev'ry woman, ev'ry man loves Loo Loo Laaand! ♫
♫ Loo Loo Land, Loo Loo Land! ♫
♫ Everything is beautiful at Loo Loo Land ♫
♫ Ugly children holdin' hands in Loo Loo Laaand! ♫
“He really hasn't changed that song since I last worked there?” Blitzø asked incredulously. “That toy slut is just as uncreative as I remember it.”
“Something tells me not every boy, girl, woman, and man loves Loo Loo Land.” Moxxie pointed out, thinking of himself, Blitzø, and Octavia in particular.
“That artificial asshole is really calling the kids ugly and the park beautiful?” Loona said with a raised eyebrow. “I’ve only seen pictures of Lu Lu World, and I can tell you that compared to that place, Loo Loo Land is the ugly sibling.”
In Hell, only Mammon, his most diehard fans, and the clueless naïve little kids who liked Robo Fizz were really into the theme song. Every other demon as well as all of Heaven and Earth mostly saw it as the cash-grab performance it was, even if it was still catchy.
“Huh. That’s funny.” Olivia mumbled as she listened closely to Robo Fizz’s singing voice. “His voice reminds me of Beetlejuice, specifically the one from the Broadway musical.”
“I thought he sounded a bit like Sir Pentious for a second, but…maybe not. I think Pentious’s voice was actually more different than I remember it…” Tonya said in similar thoughtfulness.
“I guess we’d have to listen to his voice more, if he even shows up again after what happened to him and his blimp.” Olivia replied.
“Yeah, that might not happen. Pentious didn’t seem that important anyways.” Tonya suggested. “After all, what could he do that would be so important and groundbreaking?”
Still going, Robo Fizz hugged Big Woobly and twisted the animatronic’s neck even more off-angle than it already was. He then slapped the two-headed bear animatronic so hard it spewed oil into an audience member trying to listen to music on his phone. Robo Fizz also took the time to douse a pile of cease-and-desist orders in gas and ignite it. Also, sitting on a piano in a very familiar pose, making very familiar movements, and singing very familiar lyrics, Robo Fizz fully exemplified Greed’s tradition of copying others. A short clip was afforded to Octavia and her very disgusted and bored expression.
♫ Everybody's friendly, ♫
♫ And nobody is mean ♫
♫ No copyright infringement's ever seeen ♫
♫ I have a dream... ♫
♫ (He has a dream) ♫
♫ I'm here to tell... ♫
♫ (He's here to tell) ♫
♫ About a magical, fantastic place called Loo Loo Laaaaand! ♫
A few of the Hotel crew went wide-eyed as they noticed Robo Fizz’s clear adoption of a bit of Charlie’s previous song. Charlie obviously knew it because…she sang it. Vaggie knew it similarly because she saw its original performance in person not to mention Enigma's broadcast replaying it to her.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Charlie! Look at that!” The former Exorcist said in outrage.
“Wow. He acted on that fast.” Charlie commented with a finger on her chin, more impressed than angry, fully expecting this kind of thing from Mammon.
“How bothersome. Perhaps you ought to present a warning to the park not to do that.” Alastor asked boredly, though that’s not to say he wasn’t somewhat interested in the matter. As a radio host, he has experience with third-party usage of others' music, though in the other way around. Radio stations are expected to organize their music based on their audience and mixtures of what was popular and available. The Radio Demon however didn't give a shit about that and only played music he liked, regardless of complaints from demon artists brave enough to voice that they didn't want their works to be associated with him.
“No, I don't. Mammon’s cool since he actually has my permission to use that.” Charlie replied to Alastor's suggestion, surprising everyone in the room.
“Your permission?! Since when?!” Vaggie asked in confusion. “That 666 News broadcast was less than a week ago!”
“He sent me a text like…three hours after my fight with Killjoy. I said yes since he’s always been a good uncle to me and because he actually asked. He doesn’t usually ask anyone, even my dad, for permission on this kind of stuff, but I guess I'm a different story.” Charlie explained. “Besides, he only wanted those few lines, not the whole song anyways.”
As if prompted, Charlie’s phone got multiple messages from Bee, Ozzie, and others inquiring about what was revealed in the broadcast, and she quickly went to work assuring them that there was nothing to worry about, and that for once, Mammon had full permission to his specific usage of someone else’s work.
“My boss often has issues with piracy of his films.” Angel commented offhandedly. “He’s so stingy about centralizing distribution that a fourth of Pentagram is ‘freely’ distributin’ all his shit for him.”
“I…may have had a hand in that sometimes.” Cherri admitted. “Stealing physical copies and giving them for free, telling people about the best pirating sites even Vox can’t shut down, as long as it made that moth bastard lose money.”
“Ha! Sucks for him! Knowin' how shit he is with numbers, he probably doesn't know how much he's losing!” Angel said triumphantly.
Angels and humans everywhere else were getting more and more stunned at the sheer audacity and long history of Loo Loo Land’s offenses.
“Oh, this place is a damn menace, casually collecting cease-and-desist orders like they’re Pokémon.” A law professor said, catching Prof. McMann’s close ear.
“It seems like Loo Loo Land and whoever owns it are basically the opposite of entities like Nintendo. Instead of doling out cease-and-desists like nobody’s business, they attract and receive them instead.” McMann commented humorously.
“This Mammon character has to have some damn good lawyers or just total control over Hell’s courts if he’s even able to keep Lucifer and his daughter at bay.” The law professor said in amazement. “Or maybe other people copy Lucifer’s shit all the time, and he doesn’t care enough about a theme park of all things.”
Back outside, Moxxie and Millie were browsing game booths when one of the carnies called for their attention. Millie pulled her husband closer and they saw it was a target shooting game. The carnie invited them to step up and win a ‘thing’, and with sparkles in her eyes, Millie pointed at a purple plushie with pink overalls, a beak, and imp horns, calling it a ‘thing’, and it being literally labeled as a ‘THiNG?’. Moxxie asked his wife if she liked the ‘thing’ and she aggressively said yes, saying that she wanted the ‘thing’ even if she didn't know what the ‘thing’ was. Smugly, Moxxie said “Finally, something I can handle.”
While Stolas tended to chafe most of the viewers the wrong way, Millie’s bubbliness and self enjoyment was genuinely endearing to them in contrast, even if they didn’t want to admit that a demon's behavior could make them so happy.
“You know, even if there was no fucking involved, still I’m glad you two could enjoy yourselves in exchange for my suffering.” Blitzø said, both satisfied and pessimistic about it.
“No problem, Blitzø!” Millie said cheerily.
Moxxie thought about the answer he would give for a bit. While he himself clearly wouldn’t enjoy Loo Loo Land much personally, he was happy as long as his wife was happy. Also, he had to give his boss props for actually taking the bodyguarding burden and leaving him and Millie alone, true to his word.
“All thanks to your generosity, sir.” He relented.
Moxxie didn’t notice, but Blitzø was honestly touched, giving a small, nearly unnoticeable smile. The two imps weren’t the best at displaying their mutual appreciation, but they still cared for what they provided each other with.
On Earth, quite a few groaned and attempted to ignore Moxxie's pun.
Meanwhile in a plushie and merch company boardroom, a small group of their executives all looked at the ‘thing’ in interest.
“Anyone have an idea what that ‘thing’ is?”
“Nope. Heck, not even the demons know what the ‘thing’ is.”
“So here’s the thing, if this ‘thing’ doesn’t have a real identity, then does that mean-”
“That this ‘thing’ is easy pickings for us to copy?”
“Yeah! Let’s do it! The ‘thing’ is as cute and easily marketable as many other things we’ve seen in Hell!”
As was their calling, human toy and merch businesses all over the world began designing, prototyping, and already even producing ‘things’ to sell. If anything, 'things' now seemed poised to spread to all corners of Earth's toy market.
...Though perhaps not as fast as Loona did when she took over Earth's internet.
Crimson’s participating enforcers, originally dismissive and apathetic towards Stolas's shenanigans and the imps' jaunt through the park, got a little bit antsy when Moxxie started getting confident about attempting one of the games.
“Wait! What is he doing?!” Cleo yelled in horror.
“Moxxie… No… No… Don’t fall for this… Please…” Quint begged, pressing his temples hard enough to them to ache.
“Everything in Greed is rigged! How did Crimson forget to teach him that in all these years?!” Marcella demanded.
Needless to say, the sharks were not excited to witness what was likely going to be a very painful experience for them as veteran Greed residents.
Moxxie handed some money over for a game, and the carnie provided a cork-firing pistol with his tail. Taking the pistol, Moxxie confidently bulls-eyed the suggestive target without even looking. As Millie clapped for her husband and he made a show of blowing smoke off the gun, the carnie heckled him for his first ‘strike’. Moxxie insisted that he hit the target and the carnie emphasized that the target didn’t go down, so no prize. Moxxie growled, provided more money, and fired again with the same result. He slapped the pistol, not catching on to the fact that the game was designed to be unwinnable. The carnie mocked Moxxie and pretended to cry, pissing Moxxie off further and influencing him to buy another attempt.
Blitzø and Loona couldn’t help but laugh a bit at Moxxie’s innocence and cluelessness to how Greed worked.
“What is so funny, you two?” Moxxie hissed, being roughly as riled up as his future self.
“Hahahahah! You’ve lived in Hell all your life, fatty! How do you not know this shit?!” Loona howled.
“That gun and game are working perfectly by design, Mox! You know these shitty places have to make money somehow, right!?” Blitzø explained.
“Oh… So you’re saying…” Moxxie began, as Millie comforted him by embracing his back. “That I was being cheated.”
“Ding, ding, ding! But for real though, don’t play those fucking games. If you see something you like, just shoot the asshole guarding it.” Blitzø advised.
“Or maybe have one of us do it if you can’t handle the violence.” Loona jabbed.
Anybody in Hell and especially Greed who had any sense of financial prudence and disdain for getting scammed was becoming more and more concerned over seeing Moxxie go down a path from which he may never return, especially the shark demons who once personally witnessed him growing up.
“MOXXIE!! You’re throwing your whole wallet away! Stop it! Please!”
“If Crimson sees this, he’ll kill his son for being this stupid with money, and then he’ll kill us for failing to raise him so badly…”
“His wife’s going to think he’s a loser after this! Everyone’s going to think Moxxie Knolastname’s a loser! THEY’LL THINK ALL THE KNOLASTNAMES ARE LOSERS!!”
“We ought to burn that fucking theme park to the ground for this! I don’t care if Mammon himself owns it, he can build another ripoff amusement park if he wants one so bad!”
Many humans also started to realize Moxxie's folly. One casino dealer whistled in pain as he and everybody in the building was focused on the broadcast instead of their daily activities.
“Poor Moxxie’s fallin’ straight into their rabbit hole. At this rate, he’ll be destitute by the time they leave.” The dealer commented.
A naïve casino patron looked at the dealer weirdly. “Wait, so the game’s not broken, it’s just rigged?”
Every employee rolled their eyes at this.
“Of course it’s rigged, you fool!” The dealer answered. “Look at yourself! You’re in a damn casino! Ever heard of the term ‘house always wins’?! How do you think any of these places stay in business?! It’s the exact same thing with theme park games!”
“Oh. I thought I just had awful luck. No wonder I haven’t made my big break yet.” The patron said mostly to themselves.
“‘Big break’,” The dealer muttered. “These idiots all treat gambling as a viable way of making money, when it isn’t, instead of simple entertainment, which is all it needs to be…”
Back at Robo Fizz’s show, Stolas was excitedly clapping to the music while Octavia was bending back and banging her fist on the seat in torment.
♫ --body sing along with the Loo Loo band! Ev'ry boy, ev'ry girl, ev'ry woman, ev'ry man loves Loo Loo Laaaaaaand! ♫
With the end of that song, a small display of fireworks, one animatronic falling into pieces, and another maniacal cackle from Robo Fizz, Stolas was the only one aggressively clapping and labeling the show as delightful while his daughter did her best to make herself invisible. Behind the prince, an imp rose up to attack him with a kris dagger but he had his head blown off by Blitzø who was positioned atop the tent's top gallery. While the gunshot made everyone else scream and flee, Stolas flirtatiously complemented his bodyguard’s aim. This was the final straw for Octavia, who furiously fled away from her father.
“Something that should’ve been done long ago.” Stella commented. “Good on you, Octavia. You finally recognized that being in the mere vicinity of both that robotic clown and your father is hazardous to your well-being.”
Stolas normally would’ve wanted to bite back, but what stopped him was the detail that Octavia clearly needed his attention more than Stella needed his insults, and that the multiple close calls they witnessed in less than twenty minutes hardly helped his case as a ‘responsible’ parent and guardian to his daughter.
*Sigh*
Stolas silently leaned back in defeat as he let Stella have this win.
‘Perhaps bringing Via and Blitzy together is a no-no...’ He pondered for the very first time. ‘Letting those troublesome imps get so close to us probably didn’t inspire confidence from her either…’
At this point, watching Blitzø kill someone wasn't really fazing most viewers anymore, not when most of them were preoccupied with the Goetia.
“I understand what’s really going on here.” Pastor Terrance said in recognition, earning the attention of his colleagues and the chapel audience. “This entire debacle and every issue within is stemming from Prince Stolas’s desire for as much short-term happiness as possible.”
“...”
“Explain?” One of the visitors asked.
“More than anything, Stolas really wanted to get out of the house and away from his angry wife, to destress. His choices were to take his daughter to a place she grew out of, and invite Blitzø instead of using actual guards. Think about it: what major aspect does Octavia, Loo Loo Land, and Blitzø have in common?” Pastor Terrance asked.
Both Agnes and Henry began to understand exactly what he was getting at.
“They represent happy memories in Stolas’s life, which is the sole reason he attempted to bring them together in the first place, to make some happy memories for himself.” Henry realized.
“Shockingly though, Blitzø doing bodyguard work, Loo Loo Land, Stolas, and a teenage Octavia do not even remotely mix well with each other.” Agnes noted with a roll of her eyes. “When the prince has his attention on Blitzø, he’s ignoring and alienating his daughter. Meanwhile, Blitzø only came here for payment and not to spend time with Stolas. So what is Stolas actually gaining here other than instant gratification? Nothing!”
The mood in the chapel really began to sour against Stolas’s ineffective and poorly conceived method of ‘having a day’. Either the prince’s domestic situation was so stressful that it fatally impacted his ability to think logically and in the long-term, or he just sucked at understanding others’ feelings in general. Regardless, the best most viewers could hope for was a hard-learned lesson and for Stolas to do better in the future.
“His daughter and possibly even Blitzø are gonna be screaming at him after this, and you know what? That’s probably needed. Maybe if they’re angrier, Stolas will actually listen to them.” The former gangster in the chapel spat, his arms crossed.
The older woman seated next to him nodded. “There are mature and intelligent ways to take your mind off a troubled relationship. Making your kid and affair partner hang out together with you is not one of them.”
Nobody was surprised to see Octavia finally getting fed up. Imagining the whole thing from her perspective, they were surprised she didn’t crash out any earlier.
As Blitzø prepared to follow his noble clients out of the big top, Robo Fizz noticed him and called him out, laughing and asking if “the kiddies” were still running away from him. Since Robo Fizz said the imp’s name as it was spelled, Blitzø paused in his tracks, annoyed, and stated that the ‘o’ was now silent. Robo Fizz turned his “silent” comment back at him, using it to describe his audiences whenever he used to tell his lazy jokes at Loo Loo Land.
The earlier software engineer further freaked out seeing this.
“That thing is intelligent too?!” The engineer stared in further shock at Robo Fizz.
“M-maybe? Perhaps it’s just a machine possessed by a living soul or some other witchery.” The mechanical engineer suggested, though it hardly conveyed confidence.
“But if not, then that means the technological gap Hell has on us may be even more broad than we thought. And how many of these things are there?! If one is being used for entertainment of all things, then imagine the more industrial and practical applications they’re also being used for!” The software engineer said frantically.
“If robots are replacing comedians, then hopefully they’ll replace the fake and unfunny ones first.” Commented the nearby bored intern.
Debate naturally burned more strongly around the advanced capabilities of the Robo Fizz and both the positive and negative impact his technology could have if shared outside of Hell. Of course, none of those people knew that Robo Fizzies were hardly the backbones of Hell’s industries and labor forces that they theoretically could have been, and that a vast majority of them spend most of their existences giving their owners sexual favors.
“Hey Ver, what’s the fucking deal with your ex dropping the ‘o’ from his name?” Milky suddenly asked, as Verosika’s whole entourage looked at her.
“He was working at Loo Loo Land when we first met and he quit to work as my bodyguard later on. He then started demanding everyone to say his name without the ‘o’ after maybe a week in his new job.” Verosika started to explain.
The others nodded along.
“I’m guessing that since ‘Blitzo’ is like a good clown name for performing but since he was no longer working in any stage jobs, he figured he’d adopt a name that better reflected his bodyguard or assassination gigs?” Verosika suggested, not entirely certain of her ex’s thought processes herself. “He couldn’t be bothered to have it fully legally changed though.”
“‘Blitzo’ to ‘Blitz’. Absolute genius.” Kat mumbled sarcastically.
The personal roasting between Blitzø and Robo Fizz took many people by surprise, who all wondered what kind of hostile interactions the two had in the past. Loona, Moxxie, and Millie all looked at their boss expectantly, but received no answer from a silent and salty Blitzø.
If there were any viewers as shocked as I.M.P. was, then Asmodeus and Fizz himself were definitely among them.
“Wow! That Robo Fizz has an attitude! I think working as the lead entertainer in Mammon’s shit park has done a number on him!” Ozzie exclaimed, knowing full well that his manufactured Robo Fizzies aren’t originally programmed to be so confrontational.
“He really seems to have it out for Blitzo even more than I do.” Fizz admitted. “Those insults are a bit much. Blitzo’s comedy doesn’t always hit his audiences, but he’s definitely not lazy.”
“What exactly is his comedy style like? If you were friends with him for so long, then I’m a bit surprised more of your talent hasn’t rubbed off on him.” Ozzie inquired, slightly teasingly.
“How do I put this? Blitzo’s not a good clown and doesn’t make good clown jokes per se, but he’s amazing at slapstick, dark humor, and cheering people up when everything else around us feels shitty.” Fizz explained, slightly nostalgic. “He does have comedic talent, just not the type of comedy Mammon would like.”
Ozzie didn’t respond to this but lightly sighed instead. Part of him wished that Fizz specialized in the same type of comedy Blitzø seemed to be good at, if only it meant that Mammon wouldn’t have been so keen to adopt the jester as his little cash cow.
Removing and discarding his aviators, Blitzø boasted that he makes more money killing than Robo Fizz does for “being a cheap-ass robo ripoff of an overrated sellout JESTER!”. Robo Fizz commented on Blitzø’s saltiness, and then said that people still love him whether he’s real or not. He then threateningly asked Blitzø in a low demonic voice if anybody loved him. Blitzø plainly answered no, but that he was really good with guns now. Clicking a fresh mag in his rifle, the imp prepared to make Robo Fizz dance.
Fizzarolli couldn’t help but flinch at Blitzø’s words, particularly the ones directed at him rather than just his mechanical counterpart, because they honestly stung.
He never wanted this. He never wanted to hold such a rivalry and feud against his former best friend. But it wasn’t his fault that Blitzø was so jealous that he went so far as to burn the circus down! The two may hate each other now, but Fizz could feel better knowing that he had the higher right to hold that hatred, and that he had never crossed a significant line like Blitzø did with that fire!
“Talk all you want, Blitzø… I don’t care about your opinion anymore.” Fizz muttered to himself in a manner that lacked conviction.
“I can’t blame him for railing so hard on your clone at the very least.” Ozzie yielded, both conceding some of his understanding of Blitzø and also trying to comfort Fizz. “They are just cheap rip-offs of you: someone that can never be truly copied into an artificial replica! As far as I can tell, the reason that guy’s insulting Loo Loo Land’s ‘mascot’ is more Mammon’s problem than yours!”
“No, Ozzie…” Fizz tiredly disagreed. “I’m sure it was exactly as personal as it sounded…”
Elsewhere, the rest of I.M.P. gave their boss concerned looks when his future self casually admitted that no one loved him. Stolas also raised an eyebrow at the imp’s comment, wondering if he was just joking or being sarcastic when it was so obvious he was into him! Verosika looked slightly dejected hearing the same comment, again wondering how things went so wrong after she said those three words. Did Blitzø legitimately not believe her? Did he not want it? Did he not trust her or himself with receiving or sharing love?
In the gas station, as in most places on Earth, viewers were attempting to dissect the relationship between Blitzø and Robo Fizz, as well as the origins of Robo Fizz himself with the limited information they had.
“So, correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like the robotic Fizzarolli is a machine version of an actual person? A jester?” One stranger asked.
“I’m thinkin’ that too.” Another stranger answered. “And I’m thinkin’ whoever Mammon is, that’s our culprit.”
“No, that doesn’t make sense.” Sgt. Xavier said doubtfully. “I think Mammon only owns Loo Loo Land and at least that robot, and that Fizzarolli is another person we haven’t met in the flesh.”
“Ah! Maybe the Fizz guy could be an alias or stage name for Big Ozzie! The one who owns the factory that makes them?” The previous stranger suggested.
“NO!!” The mysterious biker suddenly yelled as if she was personally insulted. “They’re three different people! Fizzarolli is the model, Ozzie manufactures the Robo Fizzies, and Mammon uses one in Loo Loo Land! That’s what we’re saying!”
“Well so-rry, missy! We can’t all be experts of Hell’s celebrities and big business tycoons!” The stranger grumbled as everyone returned their focus to the broadcast. All except for Xavier who was becoming unbreakably confident about a certain theory he had right now.
Blitzø opened fire at Robo Fizz, who evasively cartwheeled out of the way and up the stairs to the imp's position in mere seconds. Using his flexible limbs to coil around Blitzø like a dozen pythons, Robo Fizz spun and used that momentum to launch the imp through the top of the tent, earning an “Ohhhh, FUCK MEEEEEEE…!” from Blitzø. Outside, Wally Wackford was attempting to sell “inconvenient torches” from his cart when Blitzø fell on top of them, scattering the lit torches everywhere and setting fire to the big top. Soon, the whole building was engulfed, and some of the animatronics melted as they attempted to flee the tent. Robo Fizz also came outside on fire, which caused him to start going completely crazy and haywire.
“Oh… Holy shit…” Blitzø said in surprise as I.M.P. watched the situation instantly escalate to gunfire and real fires.
“Eh. Good riddance to Loo Loo Land. And that fucking Robo Fizz.” Their CEO said dismissively after a pause, probably because he had to remember that the burning Fizzarolli was a robot and not the actual one this time.
“I think Mammon might have some serious issues watching you destroy his property.” Moxxie piped up in concern.
“Which one? The Mammon in our universe or the future?” His boss asked.
“Ours. That’s why I’m concerned!” Moxxie answered.
“Why is that a fucking concern?! I know Mammon is an all-powerful Sin and has Godly lawyers, but being mad at me or suing me for destroying a Loo Loo Land in a different universe is ridiculous!” Blitzø protested.
“Yeah, he’s right. You worry too much, sweetie. They have bigger fish to fry right now.” Millie reassured her husband, who begrudgingly calmed down a bit. He still wasn’t sure if Mammon was rational enough to see things critically however.
“Also sir, how did you fire your rifle in full automatic? It’s a bolt-action.” Moxxie pointed out.
“…I have no idea.” Blitzø replied.
The big talk in Heaven and on Earth this time around was either around the unexpected fire or Robo Fizz’s mobility. Half the people questioned why there was an entire seller handing out torches at a theme park made of cheap flammable material, and rest of them simply grumbled ‘plot convenience’.
The other half were terrified at Robo Fizz’s speed and flexibility, and the more tactical and strategic thinkers among them imagined how dangerous a Robo Fizz would be with a gun, and/or organized into proper combat units.
In Hell, Mammon yelped like a girl as he watched the big top get set ablaze, and all the employees and guests in the broadcast (including Wally) watched with wide eyes and most of them decided that intentionally earning their pink slips was the way to go.
Most of the rest of Hell, including I.M.P., Octavia, Stella, Mammon’s competitors, the other Sins, and Fizz were all delighted to see it begin burning (even if Fizz cannot legally display that opinion in public).
Back with Moxxie and Millie, the carnie now held a whopping six hundred of Moxxie’s souls. Rolling one into a blunt and lighting it with a snap of his fingers, he commented how Moxxie’s refusal to give up was really starting to become sad as the shorter imp growled at him in anger. Wanting a try of her own, Millie then grabbed one of the cork guns and fired it, completely missing any of the targets. For sheer personal entertainment, the carnie pressed a hidden foot pedal and made one target fall down, congratulating Millie’s “lucky shot”. As Millie clapped for herself, Moxxie finally came to the conclusion that the carnie was a charlatan. The carnie told him to get lost and made a purring sound at Millie, which made her recoil in disgust. While this was happening, Robo Fizz (and later the fire) caught up to Blitzø in the background and threw him up into the air again. Coming back down, Blitzø crashed through the roof of the kiosk and crushed the carnie.
“Christ on a stick, Mox. And you dared to ask me to put the company’s finances in your hands.” Blitzø said in sheer disappointment at Moxxie’s monetary losses.
Moxxie spluttered to try and defend himself. “Well-! Okay look, I-”
“I don’t want to hear it. Just take everything at gunpoint when you’re in Greed. I know you don’t like being ‘that kind’ of person, but sometimes there are advantages to getting what you want through force and violence, alright?!” Blitzø grumbled.
Moxxie relented and silently nodded, not having a good argument since his on-screen self did the least intelligent thing he could’ve done, even if he didn’t know the carnie was scamming him.
Millie meanwhile was silently concocting her plan to pay that carnie a ‘friendly’ visit for speaking like that to her.
When Blitzø interrupted the carnie in his tracks, most of the Greed Ring breathed a sigh of relief for Moxxie’s position, including Crimson’s men.
“Oh, thank Mammon, it’s over…” Giancarlo groaned.
“I thought that torture was never going to end…!” Bayou whimpered.
“We are not letting Crimson see any of this shit alongside us as long as we live.” Grumbled Quint. “If any of us are in the wrong place if he sees his son throwing away six hundred souls, we’ll lose a lot more than six hundred souls.”
None of the sharks minded that proposal, and they knew the rest who weren’t participating with them would also fully agree if they were with them.
Just like Millie, they were also considering a 'visit' to that particular game and carnie.
Millie and Moxxie stared at their boss in surprise and still in a daze, he suggested they go watch Stolas while he tackles unfinished business with Robo Fizz. At this point, most of the park was now ablaze in green fire, and Robo Fizz was approaching closer as the flames burned away his exterior and revealed his base robotic structure underneath. Moxxie and Millie fled with their prize, and Blitzø took a shot at Robo Fizz with his flintlock. Robo Fizz’s head spun around multiple times, absorbing the inertia from the bullet he caught with his teeth before spitting it out.
“...”
“...We are so fucked.” A Finnish farmer mumbled as he watched his modest TV set in his unassuming little home. He sent an unconfident look at his scoped rifle mounted over his mantle. It didn’t matter how much experience he had with shooting, he did not feel confident having a Robo Fizz as his enemy target.
Armed civilians and soldiers on Earth felt nervous as they grappled with one of the finest examples of Hell’s cutting edge technology. Many humans had seen too many movies speculating about mechanical aliens or robotic human creations taking over the world, and considering that Robo Fizz was fast, smart, seemingly fireproof, and capable of catching bullets with his teeth in a manner putting any so-called ‘magician’ to shame, God forbid Hell gets the idea to use them as troops in an invasion.
Mammon was going on a communications rampage, making phone calls and texts to every of his subordinates and subsidiaries to have them secure Loo Loo Land from actually burning down in the future. He was even trying to order those not directly involved in Loo Loo Land to get onboard.
“You heard me, fuckers!! Make and put those posters at every entrance!! I.M.P. and Stolas are now BANNED from Loo Loo Land!!” He demanded.
He quieted down for a moment as some chatter came from his conference call.
“Yes, Mr. fire chief!! You heard me earlier!! I want all your trucks staying near the park until they fucking run outta gas!! And one last thing to everyone!! Find that mustachioed cock who was selling torches and fucking FIRE HIM!!”
Meanwhile, Fizz flinched quite strongly when he got a close look at the fire burning Robo Fizz’s exterior face off. His spine felt chill to the bone and horrible memories zoomed through his mind.
“Aw, Froggie? What’s wrong?” Ozzie asked, though the Sin had a slight idea what was going on.
“Just some past trauma. No big deal.” Fizz simply answered as he fidgeted uncomfortably in his seat. Just like Blitzø, fire did not bring good memories for him.
Blitzø was impressed at Robo Fizz’s action, commenting “Oh, what a mouth!”, before going stiff as he realized how easily that could be taken out of context. Robo Fizz revved himself up into a wheel of death again and charged. Blitzø dodged out of the way and Robo Fizz rolled into the kiosk, blowing it up and causing more damage. Meanwhile in an as-of-yet unburned part of the park, Stolas pursued his daughter into a building called the ‘Fun House’, shaped like a ripoff Lucifer’s head. More imp muggers and kidnappers prowled behind him.
Both Asmodeus and Fizz snorted at Blitzø’s mouth comment, as well as perhaps everyone in the three realms with even a slight sense of humor.
“Well, that’s not entirely inaccurate! Robo Fizzies are really just sex bots when you think about it!” Fizz chuckled, happy for any kind of distraction from his past memories.
“Yeah! They’re just…sex…bots. …Ugh…” Ozzie slowed down as his mood soured. He hated being reminded of the fact that he literally manufactures sex robots and toys with his lover’s likeness for the greediest and least grateful bastard in Hell.
Meanwhile the population of demons who owned one or more Robo Fizzies of their own felt so fortunate that they had them while the other uncultured plebs below them were stuck with beta sex toys.
“Okay…” Charlie said as she stared at the Fun House in genuine disapproval. “Now that is actually unforgivable.”
“Guessin’ your pops didn’t approve of his face being put on a stupid fun house, huh?” Angel guessed.
“More than that, he looks awful!” Charlie said in distress. “His eyes aren’t green! He doesn't wear dark clothing and especially not dark hats! And his hair isn’t even remotely close to that shape!”
“But nothin’s ever gonna change, and the park is neva’ getting shut down, as you said so yourself.” Angel recapped.
“Well, actually my dad might have a chance against Mammon if he sued over that, since that’s his literal face and not another apple decoration from Lu Lu World. Maybe he could successfully sue for defamation or something.” Charlie speculated.
Stolas entered the building, and inside was a McDonalds PlayPlace-style environment but with a more spooky aesthetic and more moving parts, and probably less safety features too. An imp pounced on Stolas from behind and held on tight, moving his sleeve towards the prince’s face. Annoyed, Stolas crossed his arms and announced that he was supposed to be bodyguarded. The intruder was then shot in the head by Millie with a handgun as she and Moxxie stood at the entry. Still dissatisfied, Stolas wiped the blood off himself and inquired about Blitzø, who was his “knight in shining armor” and not the other two. Millie said he was busy and Moxxie added that he was being an “everything is now on fire” kind of fool as he handed Millie the ‘thing’ from the prize counter. Uninterested, Stolas walked away and moved on.
The whole human chapel shook their heads at this.
“...Well that just reinforces your point.” Agnes said to Terrance. “Prince Stolas was definitely trying to surround himself with people he likes.”
“And instead of being grateful to his bodyguards for possibly saving his life, he simply asks for the one he shared a bed with…” Pastor Terrance stated clearly, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
“What I don’t understand is that if he has magic powerful enough to wield his grimoire to its fullest potential, then why can’t he just afford the effort to remove those hostile thugs himself?” Father Henry asked.
“Because he’s playing the ‘damsel in distress’ solely for fun. And he wanted Blitzø to be coming to save him because apparently he enjoys that. Even with actual people actively trying to hurt him and possibly even his daughter, he’s still willing to pretend to be helpless.” Agnes muttered, the episode having long eroded her willingness to retain the most formal and clean speech she could. She was this close to dropping some serious curse words, damn it!
“Stolas better pray that he doesn’t actually find himself in a helpless situation one day.. The way things are going, we’re gonna get a ‘boy who cried wolf situation’, and imps won’t be the only ones having their blood spilt.” Terrance gave a dark prediction. Somewhere in the Wrath Ring, a certain imp cowboy assassin sneezed.
“Wow, honey.” Moxxie said in amazement at his wife’s shot. “Since when did you get so good at shooting? Especially after you missed that shot in the game?”
Millie shrugged her shoulders. “I guess when things are serious, I’m more in the shootin’ zone!”
“Wow, Stolas doesn’t realize how lucky he was that I.M.P.’s close combat specialist made that shot.” Blitzø commented. “No offense, Mills.”
“None taken!”
Dodging between a couple obstacles and going into another room, Stolas finally spotted Octavia curled up in an apple rail car, crying. Removing his Loo Loo Land hat, which had changed its face to reflect its wearer’s emotions, Stolas walked over and sat next to his daughter. He finally made the observation that Octavia wasn’t having fun, and she said she didn’t want to be here. He apologized and rationalized that he thought she loved it there, and she replied that when she was a kid her parents didn’t hate each other and her dad didn’t constantly “flirt with some weird red dickhead the entire time.”
Normally, Blitzø didn’t take any jabs, insults, or name-calling lying down. If he didn’t outright hurt the antagonizer, he’d at least send back an insult of his own. In fact, Moxxie, Millie, and Loona all looked at him expectedly for his response. To their surprise however, he simply nodded his head.
“That’s fair.” He admitted. “Stolas's daughter didn’t do anything wrong other than go along with what her horny dad wanted. She has every right not to like me. I'm not even proud of myself for fucking Stolas, to be honest.”
“Blitzø…” Moxxie said awe, as if he witnessed his crazy boss commit a miracle of God. “I never knew you were capable of…accountability.”
“Shut up, Moxxie. You’re gay.” Blitzø immediately spat back. “And I mean that as a simple insult.”
Beginning to grow more nervous and starting to see delays in his speech, Stolas stammered his apologies for everything that happened recently, and that it was a lot, and…he “should have listened.”
Billions of voices across the three neighboring worlds all rang out at once, from demons to angels, from the Sin to the average homeless human, from the gangster to the heavenly sister:
“YOU FUCKING THINK, STOLAS!!?”
Stolas felt a tsunami of discomfort wash over him, as if all of existence, being, and form decided to curse him simultaneously.
And you know what? They had a point. How could he have gone this long without listening to his own daughter's pleads for help?
Past her tears, Octavia said she wanted to go home, but that it didn’t even feel like home anymore because her father ruined it. Stolas now really started to stammer, first trying to address her mother, but retreating and trying to go back to himself, and finally admitting defeat and that he didn’t have the words. Conveying desperation, Octavia asked if her father was going to run off with Blitzø, where she couldn't find him, leaving her behind. Displaying full empathy and clarity this time, Stolas said he would never do that, embracing her and finally giving her enough comfort to form a smile. Stolas then suggested it was time to leave the place and admitted that Octavia was too old for it now.
Most viewers were now silent, as they tried to assess what Stolas was stammering about, as well as whether he was genuine in his promises to Octavia.
For example, Alex and Cassie wondered about Stolas and his own wife.
“...I want to know more about his wife. Clearly Stolas likes Blitzø enough that he’s willing to cheat on her, and he wants to spend more time with Blitzø in general over her, but how bad is she really?” Cassie pondered.
“She's definitely a loudmouth and a bit violent with plants, but if she’s been abusive to him before the affair, then I could at least slightly understand Stolas’s actions even if nothing can ever excuse them.” Alex said in agreement. “If their marriage was arranged like we guessed, then it is certainly possible…”
Elsewhere, in the chapel, the people there were more focused on the latter part of Stolas’s conversation with his daughter.
“...”
*Sigh* “I want to have faith in Stolas, I really do.” Father Henry said. “His love for his daughter is certainly genuine, considering that lullaby of his.”
“Yes, I suppose the real question is: is he capable of learning from his mistakes? Of doing better? Of closing that admittedly massive gap between his imagination and reality?” Agnes wondered.
“Blitzø will also likely be a major concern. Prince Stolas clearly wants both his daughter and him, but there may not be a world in which they are compatible.” Pastor Terrance stated, figuring that Enigma was showing Stolas being pulled between Blitzø and Octavia for a reason. “If he ever has to decisively choose between one or the other, I just hope he’s happy with his choice.”
Stolas started carrying his daughter towards the Fun House’s exit, while another hostile imp watched them from the ceiling. Said imp dropped to the ground behind Stolas, flicking their switchblade open. Pausing, Stolas suddenly turned his head around to face the imp with his eyes shining brightly. The imp, its clothes, and and its knife were immediately turned to stone and the statue was also knocked over by one of the Fun House’s pendulums.
“...Are you fucking kidding me?! I thought it was too good to be true that he can’t defend himself! Why the fuck did he even need to pay us to guard him again?!” Blitzø growled.
The others looked at him, confused as to how he didn’t get it.
“Blitzø. He wanted you to come because he likes you, and wanted to spend time with you.” Millie said simply. "Wasn't that obvious?"
Blitzø didn’t answer for a second.
“...”
“No, that’s not a good enough reason. Stolas just has a kink for getting rescued from getting kidnapped by a ‘bodyguard’ he fucked. Yeah, that’s all it is.” Blitzø said dismissively and defensively.
The rest of I.M.P. just gave each other knowing looks, wondering how long it would take for their boss to get it through his thick skull.
Seeing Stolas actually display an offensive use of his powers surprised and interested most viewers, especially Greek history and mythology geeks who wondered if there was any significant connection with petrifying-visioned monsters like Medusa.
Most others realized that they were perhaps quite fortunate a demon as powerful as Stolas behaved so passively. Compared to someone like Alastor who had a bit more of a testy demeanor and greater inclination towards violence, the viewers would still rather try to have a conversation with Stolas than the Radio Demon.
Another population of realists assumed however that not every member of Goetia would be like Stolas, and that most of them might be a lot more meaner and elitist than him, if not just flat out hostile to humans. Some would-be human diplomats to Hell were starting to reconsider their careers.
Back outside, Stolas calmly carried his daughter through the burning Loo Loo Land. In the background, Robo Fizz was again trying to charge at Blitzø while both he and Millie were trying to shoot back at him. All of a sudden, the massive winged creature from the petting zoo, with Moxxie on its back, came over and snatched up Robo Fizz before he could reach Blitzø. The creature tossed the robot up into the air and swallowed him whole.
Staring at the destroyed aftermath of his park, Mammon facepalmed and laid down on the ground as he started chugging down an emergency flask of Beelzejuice for stressful situations like this.
It was obvious, even to him, that the old Robo Fizz who had been in the park almost as long as it stood was partly responsible for destroying Loo Loo Land. Not only did he antagonize Blitzø to the point of attacking him, but Robo Fizz literally spread the fire further and even seemed to enjoy destroying shit around him as he went haywire.
The funny thing was that Mammon knew perfectly well these risks were real. Asmodeus has constantly tried to remind him to periodically reset his Robo Fizzies’ memories and replace their parts, something the Sin of Greed didn’t really do because he cared too much about reducing short-term costs.
Look how that turned out, hm? The only thing preventing Mammon from going berserk completely was the fact that the broadcast was a premeditation, not a recording.
‘Ozzie must be fucking enjoying the shit out of this…’ He thought to himself, quite accurately.
The folks at Jack’s bar looked in confusion at the scene behind Stolas and Octavia, and were further confused that the broadcast didn’t seem to want to elaborate on it.
“Wha-?! What the heck just happened back there?! Are we just going to ignore that?!” Cried out one of the patrons.
Jack shrugged, trying to act less surprised than he actually was. “Well I’m glad that robo-jester is hopefully scrap, but how is Moxxie of all people riding that dragon thing? He is that last I.M.P. member I’d expect to be doing that.”
“I guess they and their quest to free the dragon to fight Robo Fizz was just not important compared to Stolas admitting his rookie mistakes to his daughter, which is a shame.” The nearby student said, having closed the Hell-related books she brought in and instead now making pencil sketches of the creature from the petting zoo. “That thing’s beautiful, though. That whole background reminds me of the Golden Trio and the Ukrainian Ironbelly.”
Now standing outside the park’s gates, Stolas asked Octavia what she would like to do next. Octavia brought up Stylish Occult and that they sell “weird taxidermy”. Stolas reluctantly okayed this and Octavia chuckled, saying he was okay sometimes. Stolas thanked his daughter as the two nuzzled closer. Behind them, a big explosion came from Loo Loo Land followed by screams, and all three present I.M.P. members fell in front of the Goetia in crumpled smoking heaps. Moxxie grumbled to his boss about ruining another good thing, and Blitzø said it was worthwhile, since “that slutty toy clown had. It. Comin’!”, and both imps fell unconscious. Meanwhile, a stray quieve grabbed the unconscious Millie by her hair and started dragging her away as the episode ended.
For a couple silent seconds, the nobles in Stolas’s estate stared at another black screen as another timer of four hours occupied it.
*Sigh* “Via… I think we should have a talk.” Stolas said privately, breaking the silence.
“Agreed. Kitchen?” She asked.
“Kitchen.”
Stolas and Octavia left to the kitchen together, while their estate’s staff dispersed back to their duties. Stella remained seated as she suspiciously watched her husband and daughter leave.
This was interrupted however by their head butler carrying the rotary phone directly to her, a magical cloud with words emanating from the machine indicating that Andrealphus was calling.
Scoffing, Stella answered it. “What do you want, brother?”
“Would you like to come visit me, dear sister? I have some issues regarding your husband’s status I wish to discuss with you.” Andrealphus answered. “It seems that my expectations for his father to take action have been misplaced, so I have some other proposals to run by you.”
“Hmph. This better be worthwhile.” Stella grumbled as she stood up and walked off, snapping her fingers at some servants and ordering them to arrange her transportation. “Though I suppose I wouldn’t mind being free of Stolas's presence for a while.”