Work Text:
Dread, a feeling Shane was well accustomed to. He couldn't recall the last time he didn't feel this way, the familiar sinking of his stomach akin to a knot, contorting into nauseating shapes, his desperate shaking breaths covering the sounds of his racing heart. With trembling hands he pressed the lip of the bottle up to his mouth, athirst for an escape. For a fleeting moment, as the burning, almost comforting sensation crept down his throat a sense of relief washed over him, swiftly stifled by the recollection of today's previous events. Marnie, the disappointment evident in her worn face, trying desperately to hide her concern from Jas. And Jas, her tearful eyes as she ran away from his room, her muffled sobs heard through the walls, and the dread, this dreadful burden he knew he was imposing on his family, especially Jas. He swore to protect her and he'd failed. Just like always.
He'd been out in the forest for some time now, a lousy attempt to drown out this feelings by drinking everything he could get his hands on, typical of him on particularly rough nights. It was raining heavily, the raindrops soaking through his worn down Joja hoodie. he thought back to earlier "a plan...?'' he muttered to himself bitterly, he regretted what he said earlier Infront of Jas but it still holds true, he didn't have a plan, and he'd always hoped he wouldn't be around long enough to need one. Removing his now saturated hoodie, he looked down at his old faded tunnelers jersey, its short sleeves revealing the raised white lines scattered across his body. His past forever etched onto him, just additional evidence in his mind of his fucked up life.
Gripping the neck of the bottle, he hastily chugged the rest of his drink, choking back tears "my life... it's a pathetic joke.." he mumbled to himself whilst gabbing another. He looked around to see the empty bottles and cans from the night surrounding him, "why do I even try?" He sobbed, unable to hold back the tears streaming down his face. "I'm just a p... piece of soiled garbage flittering in the wind..." He looked down over the cliffs, the ground below littered with trash, it was as if it was taunting him, a sign that his life was truly garbage. He'd been coming here a lot, contemplating this moment, a chance to finally take control of his life, a way out of this but he was too scared, too anxious. Just like always. "All I do is work, sleep, and drink ...t...to dull the feelings of self hatred. Why should I even go on??? Tell me... t... tell me why I shouldn't roll off this cliff right now..." He slurs to nobody in particular, his words desperate and pleading, like a prayer with no one to answer.
He drunkenly crawled closer to the cliff edge, until he was mere steps away from falling, he'd never gotten this close before. Using his remaining strength he stood up, his knees buckling as he began to feel the dread set in once more, Marnie will be okay with Lewis by her side, its not like he contributed much anyway, and Jas will always have Marnie, someone who can actually take care of her. He wasn't needed. They didn't need him. No one did. As the remaining drinks poured down his throat, he tossed the last bottles off the cliff, shattering on impact. He gained the confidence to stumble another step forward, sending rocks tumbling down the cliff face. He took a final shaky deep breath, his lip quivering as he closed his eyes and stumbled forward over the edge, plunging into freefall.
Seconds felt like eternity as his body plummeted towards the ground, the drag of the frigid air biting at his skin. the feeling of weightlessness engulfed him and that familiar sinking in his stomach retuned, Yet It felt nostalgic now, almost freeing. as the impact of the harsh ground rapidly approached, the reality of what he'd done hit him like a ton of bricks.
He was dying.
Shane was dying and for the first time in what felt like forever, he didn't want to.