Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"You sure about this? What if we, I dunno, get caught?" Todo stuttered, fiddling with the revolver in his hand.

"Man, shut yo ass up-" Mickey snapped back, angrily stuffing the goods into a Disney themed bag.

A figure with pink hair walked towards them. "Aight, I got the stuff... or well, most of it. I couldn't really fit much into this bag..." Itadori trailed off as he glanced at Todo. "What's up with you?" he questioned. 

"Huh? Oh, it's just... I-" Todo started, before getting cut off.

"He's just being a scaredy cat." Mickey grumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Ok? So... should we go now?" Itadori asked, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

As if on cue, the faint wail of sirens gradually got louder, police no doubt arriving to the scene.

"Shit-" Mickey took off like a bullet, the bag of valuables in one gloved hand and a Colt .95 in the other. "We gotta go! NOW!" the mouse ordered, his voice a mix of panic and annoyance.

"Ha!" "See? I knew we were gonna get caught!" Todo exclaimed, triumphantly slinging his bag over his shoulder and crossing his arms as he smugly looked at Mickey.

"Oh my days... now is not the time, Todo." Itadori scolded, grabbing his upper arm and running after Mickey.

"Hey sistwors!! >w< Owo!! Konnichi-wassup?!?" A fat ass James Charles suddenly came into the police's view, blocking the trio from the cops.

"What the actual fuck?" Mickey blurted out as the obese man came into view.

"Yeah, no, I'm not dealing with this today." Itadori mumbled, turning around to look at Todo. "Uh, Todo, where'd you go?"

Mickey also turned around just to see Todo's figure running off at the speed of light.

"Well, that's one way to make him run." The pink-haired man muttered to himself as he ran after Todo.

Now, because James Charles was just so skibidi, like the zesty, fruity, alpha wolf he was, Gayzers (gay lazers) shout out of his crust musty toenails and rainbow eyeballs, incinerating the police instantly with the sheer zestiness of the Gayzers. Of course, this horrified poor Todo further and when the two eventually caught up to the mortified man, they saw him hugging his knees in a dark corner. He was rocking back and forth, his breath coming in short, ragged gasps and his gaze wild, petrified.

"Todo? You good? Uh... what happened?" Mickey questioned hesitantly, taking a few tentative steps towards the large man. Meanwhile, Itadori mentally facepalmed. He walked towards the man and held his hand out. Todo took hold of Yuji's hand and stood up, shaking slightly.

"Seriously, Todo? I thought you were over this," Itadori said, disappointment and confusion evident in his voice. Todo scoffed.

"Well, excuse me for being traumatised. I was unaware of the fact I could turn my emotions off at will," the large man mumbled sarcastically, obviously trying to look strong, although his uncontrollable shaking gave his feelings away.

"Right... so, anyone wanna explain what that was about?" Mickey asked slowly, glancing between the two men in search of an answer.

"I-It's the gays... I'm scared of the gays... They're just so fast..." Todo confessed, a hand coming to grasp at his hair.

Itadori couldn't help but butt in at the traumatised man's words. "But Todo... you... you are ga-"

"HEY SISTWORRSZZ!! >W<"

Right as Todo was talking about his fears, they appeared right in front of him. James Charles hit the griddy, sending the already unstable anime character into a fear-filled frenzy.

"Aaaaahh...!" Todo ran a hand over his face, his eyes darting around frantically in search of an exit. Itadori sighed, trying to stop Todo's inevitable break down. Come on, man, Don't be silly. James can't hurt you, he can't do anything to you," he said calmly, as air of irritation surrounding his voice. However, his words of assurance didn't seem to reach the distressed man, who was currently pacing back and forth. Tension built up in the atmosphere until the large man stopped dead in his tracks and looked up, a crazed look in his deep black eyes. This person - whoever he was - was nothing like the level-headed man Itadori had known all his life.

"Can't hurt me? You say that, but he can!- HE WILL!" he barked, his eyes boring into the other man with an accusatory light.

"Aight... Okay, Todo." Itadori stated, taking a step towards Todo. "Shut the fuck up," he demanded bluntly, eyebrows furrowed as he stared back at the large man, unamused. Just as Itadori was about to open his mouth, Mickey interrupted.

"Yo, guys...? We forgot about me?" Mickey questioned sarcastically, an obvious air of annoyance and confusion.

Chapter Text

"And me!!! owo! My sigma beta gamma rizzing gooner Mickey kitten!!" James Charles exclaimed, having had crept up behind the mouse. "How could you forget good ol' alpha me?!" Owo??"

"Boy... shut the fuck up." Mickey demanded, turning towards James Charles to throw a glare at him. "You ain't needed here, rainbow boy. Get lost," he demanded bluntly, turning back to the two men.

"Well, how about I get lost with you?~" James flirted, oblivious to the mental breakdown happening just beside them. "They forgot about you, but I could never get you out of my mind.~" Mickey stood there, speechless, his face slowly turning red.

"Uh... no. No, no, no. I ain't dealing with love birds as well." Itadori grumbled, pushing the two out of the room, clearly unimpressed with the way his day was going.

"Ah, b-wait. Hey, I wasn't blushing. And we aren't love birds." Mickey stuttered as the pink-haired man dragged him out of the room. The door slammed in Mickey's face, who stood there for a minute in disbelief before turning around to see the smug look on James's face.

"Well? Care to explain the red on your face if it isn't blush?" the taller man teased, taking a step closer to Mickey. The mouse opened his mouth to speak but the words died in his throat. For every step forward, Mickey took a step back until his back was pressed against the door the pair had just entered through and he could feel the heat of the man's breath upon his face. Two hands on either side of his head, pinning Mickey against the door as James leaned closer, his lips brushing against the smaller one's ear.

"So... Mickey. What should we do now? Hm?" the obese man questioned, his voice low as he traced a finger along Mickey's jawline. His warm breath hit the side of Mickey's face as he spoke, sending shivers down his spine. The mouse opened his mouth to speak once more, but no words came out.

"Hm? What was that?" James asked, an eyebrow raised and his eyes fluttering shut as he leaned closer. His hand, now tenderly cupping Mickey's cheek, tilted the mouse's head up at him, his thumb rubbing over his lips.

"Y'know... You're cute when you're flustered, Mickey~"

"J-Just shut up, will you...?" 

Emboldened by the response he had received, James held both of Mickey's hands together with one of his own, his grip firm but not playfully so.

"Make me."

"What the fuck? You high or something?" Mickey questioned frantically, panic evident in his voice as he struggled to get out of his grip.

"Hauehueioaueiobeuaheaucheaiauiehaheeuha- Ye." James admitted. Here were two men so close to each other with no heterosexual explanation, and a man trying to comfort someone else going crazy in the room behind them. "M-Mickey-chan... I-I... I love you, Mickey-chan...!" the taller man stammered, posing like a kawaii desu anime girl. Mickey's hand, free from the other man's grasp, suddenly rose to cover his eyes as they became an unusual shape.

"Huh? Mickey... Why are you covering those beautiful eyes of yours?" James asked softly as he gently removed Mickey's hand from his eyes. "Awwwww... You're in love..."

"N-No, I'm not...!" he denied, even when his eyes were revealed to have turned into hearts Tom and Jerry style. Lovingly, James cupped the smaller man's face in his hands, his rainbow eyes almost hypnotic to Mickey. Speechless, he couldn't do anything as James leaned closer and closer. But then, the door to their right was flung open to reveal...

"Mickey?!? Are you... cheating on me??!"

"D-Donald?? Listen, I-I can explain-"

"NO!! I-I... *sob* I thought you LOVED ME!!"

"What? No, this isn't what it looks like," Mickey stammered, pushing James off of him with a newfound strength. "Look, I'm sorry, love, but-"

"No, stop. And don't call me 'love'," Donald spat, tears spilling down his face. Meanwhile, James stood to the side with a smirk plastered on his face, his arms folded as he leaned against the wall.

"I knew something was off the moment you became more distant! You were always ignoring me, Mickey! Always pushing me away for what? This twink?!" Donald's vision was blurry with tears as he pulled out a shotgun, aiming it at James.

"No! Donald, have you gone insane?" Mickey shouted, standing in front of James.

Donald scoffed at the action. "Already protective over your new boyfriend?" he questioned, jealousy evident in his voice.

"Huh? What? No! He's not my boyfriend! I'm just... protecting him out of the goodness in my heart." Mickey added hastily, not moving from his protective stance in front of the rainbow-eyed man.

"Sure..." James whispered into Mickey's ear. That smirk on his face turned into a large grin as he leaned back against the wall, clearly amused. However, his grin fell as quickly as it came when a deep, booming oink shook the very walls around him and heavy footsteps drew closer by the second. "Oh shi-"

Chapter Text

"DARLING!! GUESS WHO'S BACK FROM JAIL?!?" an anthropomorphic pig clad in a blue shirt and somehow larger than the zest fest bellowed, marching into the room and nearly flattening Donald as he barged past him.

"Wh- Is that Daddy Pig?!"  Mickey started, taking a step back in alarm.

"My little James-y wames- omega bottom! I missed you!!" the pig cooed, embracing James from behind. The latter tried to get out of the former's hold but ultimately failed, eventually going still in his arms.

"I have super sigma news! You're pregananant, James!" Daddy Pig exclaimed with joy.

"Uh... What the fuck is going on?" Mickey grumbled.

"Get off of me! You stupid pig!" James pushed the large pig away from him in annoyance.

"Aw, don't be like that, darling," he sighed, seeing his lover willingly walk away.

"Uh, ever so sorry. But we're in the middle of something, if you didn't know." Donald scoffed, glancing at the pig in disgust.

"Yes, actually. Someone was about to murder me, so kindly fuck off." James mumbled sarcastically, standing behind Mickey and putting his hands on the mouse's shoulders as he too glared at the pig in disgust.

"B-But...! What about the triplets?? They'll need a loving femboy to care for them!! Think of the quadruplets, James! Our quintuplets!!" Tears streamed down Daddy Pig's face as he opened a floorboard and pulled out a machine gun.

"Nah, I've had enough." Mickey muttered bitterly, obviously annoyed by today's events. He walked towards one of the doors but was stopped abruptly by Donald, who grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, stopping him from leaving.

"Oi, where do you think you're going? Your friends are... having a moment. You can't just leave them!" Donald whispered harshly in the mouse's ear as he watched the other two with wide eyes.

"Ok, firstly, they aren't my 'friends' and secondly I have other things to worry about." The mouse removed Donald's hands from his neck and walked to one of the mane doors in the room. Forgetting which one led to the exit, Mickey gently opened one of the doors, which revealed not to be the exit but instead...

Shadow the Hedgehog, Bowser, Mafuyu Asahina, Kirby and Nagito Komaeda all turned their heads towards the door, noticing Mickey's nervous expression. It was understandable, seeing how the five were all sat around a table, Mafuyu placing a single bullet in a revolver and spinning the chamber. Russian Roulette, a classic.

"Mickey! Wanna join?" Kirby offered, pulling out a chair and patting it invitingly.

"U-Uh, n-no thanks... I'd rather not die now," the mouse replied, taking a step back.

"Don't worry, the bullets won't actually kill ya." Bowser reassured.

"They won't?" Mafuyu reluctantly pulled the trigger, her spirits broken now that she knew the bullets wouldn't do any real damage. 

"Sorry, uh- maybe another time- but would you happen to know where the exit is?" Mickey tentatively asked, his eyes following the gun.

"Oh, sure. It's this one." Bowser replied, gesturing to a door behind him.

"Thanks." Mickey replied with a small smile, almost skipping towards the door.

"Oh, and Mickey?" The small mouse stopped, his door on the handle. "You have a bullet wound. It looks rather bad. Did you get shot?"

"Wha...?" Mickey looked down at his stomach in horror. Blood gushed out of the large, gaping hole in his stomach.

"Oh, I held the gun backwards again..." The purple-haired girl muttered, tossing the gun to Shadow who stared at the bleeding mouse in horror.

"He- He's dying! We gotta help him-"

A bang echoed through the room as another bullet penetrated Mickey's skull, all eyes turning to Kirby who held the weapon.

"... The gun was backwards." The pink blob admitted, holding his/her/their/its hands up in surrender.

"Do none of you know how to hold a gun right?" Bowser questioned, disappointment evident in his tone as he glanced between Mafuyu and Kirby.

"Never mind them, the mouse is dying!" Shadow exclaimed, standing up and looking at the mouse in panic. 

Bowser huffed. "Well you don't seem to be in much of a hurry to help," he grumbled, crossing his arms and slouching in his chair.

When Todo finally calmed down from his breakdown over Chames Jarles, he was mortified to see Mickey Mouse bleeding out profusely in a doorway, Daddy Pig and James Charles passionately making out in a corner and Mafuyu Asahina playing Buckshot Roulette with Nagito Komaeda. 

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?!?"

Chapter Text

"Huh? Oh..." Bowser glanced around the room before turning back to the two men. "Nothing much. Why do you ask?"

"Wha- What do you mean "why do I ask"? ah- you- LOOK!" Todo exclaimed furiously, gesturing wildly with his arms.

"Ay! Bigman? Calm down, will ya? I, myself am trying not to panic. ... Or vomit," Shadow grumbled, glancing at the gay man and the pig in disgust. They were still at it, hands tangled in hair and teeth nipping at skin. The thermonuclear hedgehog threw up on Kirby at the sight of Daddy Pig and James Charles. 

"Eww..." Kirby stood up from his seat and looked at Shadow in disgust.

"He he... sorry," Shadow apologised sheepishly, running a hand through his hair. 

"Sorry my arse." The pink thing grumbled, trying to clean himself with a tissue. Todo's eyes rolled back as he fell back onto the floor.

Itadori sighed. "Just a normal day for me. Just a normal. Fucking. Day," he mumbled to himself, leaning down and getting Todo by the shoulders, muttering to himself as he dragged the large man through the door.

"Gosh they're fast- HANDS UP!" a policeman barked, aiming his gun at Shadow.

"W-What did I do?? I'm not the one who shot- HOLY SHIT, MAFUYU!" Mafuyu had picked up an entire pool table and swung it at the cop's head, killing him instantly.

"OBJECTION!!" Phoenix Wright yelled, using his spike porcupine hair to fight Shadow like how two deer would fight using their antlers.

"Mafuyu. you're killing me!-" Nagito exclaimed weakly, struggling in the chokehold the purple-haired girl had put him in.

"Did someone say weed?"

"No, Silver, no one mentioned pot," a particular blue hedgehog sighed, pulling the other away from a lava pit.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Itadori grabbed a chair and sat down, leaving Todo's unconscious (but still alive) body by the door. Bowser sighed, both him and Itadori near their breaking points.

"Everyone STOP!" he exclaimed, standing up from his chair. Everyone immediately ceased their actions and turned their heads to Bowser in confusion and fear as he continued.

"What if the real bank robbery were the friends we made along the way? ... ... Why are y'all looking at me like that?"

Bowser's sheer cringe-ness made everyone instantly walk away from him, including Todo who had regained consciousness and carried Itadori bridal style into the sunset.

"W- Hey! The goods!" Mickey followed after the couple, not letting them get away with the things they had stolen. James and Daddy Pig were long gone, having their 'fun' somewhere else. Thankfully. Grumbles could be heard from everyone as they headed towards the door.

"Yeah, no, I'm not doing this." Mafuyu released Nagito and headed towards the door too.

"I don't get paid enough for this," Phoenix mumbled, ceasing his fight with Shadow to follow Mafuyu and Nagito out of the door.

And that left three: Bowser, Shadow and Kirby. Bowser turned to the two with a hopeful look on his face. Seeing that look on his face, Shadow searched for an excuse to leave.

"Right... well, ever so sorry, Bowser. But I gotta go and finish my fight against the Phoenix bloke," he hastily stated before running out of the door. Bowser turned towards Kirby.

"And that leaves two."

"Uh, actually, I gotta go watch a fight... Uh, see you!" Kirby ran out of the room as fast as his feet would allow him. Bowser sighed and followed after, deciding it best to just go home.

Chapter Text

In the house that they bought with money that was definitely real, James Charles was happily caring for his and Daddy Pig's octuplets, unaware of a blue cookie with a jester's hat aiming a sniper at him.

"Why do I have to shoot him?" Shadow Milk Cookie complained, loading a bullet into the gun. "Why not you, huh?"

"Right, 'cuz I'll be able to aim with my eagle eyes." Toph bit back sarcastically, lightly smacking the cookie's head. "Just fire already.

BANG

"Right... one shot will kill them all." Toph scoffed.

The cookie grumbled and aimed his sniper once more as a series of bangs was heard.

"Aight, I'm leaving." Toph stated, already walking away while the other followed, a sour look on his face.

James's funeral was nothing like you'd expect, if you could even call it that. The upbeat music blaring from speakers and the snack table made the entire thing feel more like a party, Mafuyu and Nagito now playing rounds of poker with Mafuyu's now iconic pool table.

"Todo, you really suck at organising funerals. I mean, the coffin's right there!" Silver exclaimed, ignoring the other two hedgehogs' blatant make out session behind him. Trying to, anyways.

"I think I did it quite well. Rainbow lights 'n' all really fit his zestiness. W- Don't act surprised, of course I hate the man! He scares me- scared me, anyways."

"Gosh, you sound like you were the one who killed him, Todo..." the grey hedgehog took a step back, clutching his cup tighter.

"What? No, I didn't kill James!" the man exclaimed, but was quickly met with stares from the other party members, some looking at him with fear, some with anger and others with disgust. Even the pair at the back stopped their game of poker, Mafuyu setting down her other pool table.

"You... You KILLED JAMES?!" she accused, standing up from her seat.

"No, i mean. I hate the guy but I'd never kill hi-"

"HE KILLED JAMES!! HOLY SHIT, THE MURDERER IS AT THE PARTY-" Mafuyu fled the room instantly, tears streaming down her face.

"No, I didn't! I-Itadori...! You gotta believe me! You believe me, don't you? Don't you?!?" Todo stepped towards his boyfriend, but froze as he heard the wail of sirens in the distance.

"Heh, reminds me of my own friend's wedding," Bok-Su mused to Vincent, crossing her arms and leaning against a wall. Before the latter could question her odd remark, the police had arrived, shouting orders and aiming their weapons at Todo.

It was all a blur of shouting and crying and shoving after that, there not being anything in particular Todo could remember. The ride to the station had him lost in his own thoughts: the way the people at the party had stared at him, the way his boyfriend had looked at him... It was like nothing he had ever seen before. So much... hatred. But just as the thoughts were beginning to swell and cloud his mind like a stubborn fog, a low, amused chuckle came from his left. And when Todo turned his head to see who could have been there, his blood ran cold at the very sight of the figure before his eyes.

"Hi, sisters~"