Chapter Text
To say the crowd went wild is an understatement. Thalen’s confession sparked feral cheering from both women and men alike in the audience. I hear a low whistle from behind me as Finnick watches on. “Now that’s a smart kid.”
Caesar mimics their outrage on his face, eating up the cheers for a moment before gesturing for them to quiet down.
“You’re supposed to marry this girl?” Caesar asks sympathetically. Thalen nods, putting on a small smile. The crowd screams again as Caesar reaches his hand out and puts it on Thalen’s knee. “Then we have to get you back to her, don’t we Panem?” A cheer roars out in response as Thalen’s time ends and he leaves the stage, quickly speeding past me in a beeline for the elevator. I don’t even notice the District 8 girl head onto the stage as I turn to find him.
I watch his head weave and bob through the room and disappear. I’m not the only one watching - Finnick has also cast an eye over his shoulder.
“There’s nothing these people eat up more than a beautiful young man in love,” he whispers. His voice has taken on a pained edge, holding both a cry and a warning behind it. “The more heartbroken, the better.” He shakes his head then walks away from the stage and back to his tributes.
I shove through the rest of the crowd from the remaining districts and ride the elevator to the top floor. The doors open and I see Blight and Thalen straight ahead of me. Blight is murmuring something as Thalen’s shoulders shake with sobs. The moment feels too private to be a part of, something that is not my place to see. I try to close the elevator doors immediately to head back down, but they ding open, alerting both of the men to my presence.
At the sight of me, Thalen turns on his heel and walks away, quickly using the sleeve of his horrible suit to wipe at his eyes. Blight gives me a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Well done, Johanna. Get some rest tonight. You’re going to need it.” I nod, and he pads softly down the hallway and disappears into his room.
I turn back to where Thalen disappeared, and see the door to the balcony is slightly ajar. Quietly, I walk over and step through the door. He is leaning against the railing, staring out over the bright lights of the Capitol. I take a few hesitant steps to stand beside him, hearing him sniffle over the sound of the wind.
The silence is broken by Thalen, who puts a hand up to rub his eyes. “What are you doing out here Mason? Did you just want to see me cry?”
I open my mouth, then close it, because I don’t have an answer to this question. Why did I come out here? He and I aren’t friends. We are the opposite and have been our whole lives. Tomorrow we might be in situations where we have to kill each other. And yet here I am, standing next to the person who did nothing but terrorize me back home, not because I want to see him cry, but because I don’t want him to be alone while he does.
Even my best memories are reminders that I am worthless.
“I want to give you a memory where you feel like you mean something. That these moments out here make you feel less alone.” He doesn’t respond, only sniffles again and rubs his eyes. I don’t look over at him, knowing he would hate to be watched in this condition. “Who is she?”
He chuckles dryly and shakes his head. “Come on Mason.”
I throw my hands up. “What do you have to lose, Thalen? I’m going to be dead, it’s not like I can do anything about it anyway. At least feed my curiosity.”
He takes a deep breath, gripping the railing until his knuckles turn white. I wait for a moment then finally let my eyes wander to look at him. To my surprise, his stare directly back into mine.
“Did you ever wonder why I hated you?”
I shrug. “I figured it was because I was better than you and it made you mad.”
He rolls his eyes, but then his face settles into a sad smile. “When you grow up the way my family did, with more money than everyone else, you want that to stay in the family. To marry people who will help keep your family in power, because if you lose your power you are at risk of becoming like everyone else, underfed and overworked. That’s how I was raised, with this idea that everyone I was around needed to be good enough for my family.
“You knew all the kids I hung out with, kids of merchants or factory managers. Everyone who amassed any kind of power in the district. And they were all horrible people. But there was one friend who was better than the rest, who actually saw me for who I am.” He pauses the story here, anxiously wringing his hands. I try to picture all his friends' faces from when we were younger, but I can’t imagine any of those people caring for anyone beyond themselves.
And then I recall a memory, so faint I can barely bring back the details.
I’m standing at the edge of a field, watching all of the other kids from school run around and chase each other. Even though I was 10 and likely too old for games, I still wanted to be included. My body hugged itself, feeling sad that nobody had wanted to play with me. I’m about to go sit down and hide somewhere when I feel a tap of something light bouncing off my shoulder. I turned around, but no one was there.
“Psst, up here!” A voice whispered. I looked up, and a small girl was sitting in the tree above me, another pinecone poised to drop on my shoulder. Her black hair coiled in tight curls around her face, and her eyes were shiny with mischief. She hopped out of the tree and dropped down next to me, a grin on her face. “I’m Livia, but you can call me Livie,” she chirped. I smiled widely at her, my grin displaying a few missing teeth.
“I’m Johanna, but you can call me Jo.”
That’s where that memory normally ends for me, because that was the best part. But today, I remember more.
“Hey Livie, I found another big pine-” the voice of the young boy trailed off as he rounded the corner to see Livia beaming while standing next to me. “Who’s this?”
“This is Jo! Jo, this is Thalen, he’s my neighbor.”
Thalen's eyes narrowed at me. “I’m not allowed to play with town trash,” he growled, taking a step towards me. I stumbled backwards, but Livia jumped between us.
“Be nice, Thalen,” she chided. He met her eyes and softened, acquiescing to her pleas. She smiled again and ran off, both of us jumping into action to follow her.
I meet his eyes, as if he can see the memory playing through my head. “Livia?”
He closes his eyes at her name. “She was my best friend and suddenly she’s hanging out with this new girl. The kind of person my father always said to never be around because if the Capitol didn’t like them, neither should we. She’s not around anymore because she preferred spending time with you.” He spits this out, his voice venomous. I tense and prepare to leave if he strikes out, like he would have at any point over the past years. Instead, his body collapses in on itself.
“I was in love with her even then, I think. I didn’t even know what love was, but I knew it was her. And then when I turned sixteen, my dad told me that he and the mayor had an arrangement that Livia and I would be married when we were past reaping age, to preserve the standing of our families. And of course I was happy to marry the girl of my dreams. She finally started spending time with me again, and it felt like things were back to normal between us. I thought that maybe, maybe she might love me too. Because I still believed in stupid things like love. A world full of reapings and arenas and I still believed in love.” His voice cracks, tears streaming down his face.
“And then one day, she shows up and is completely unresponsive to me. She won’t say anything, her eyes all red like she’s been crying. I pleaded for her to tell me what was wrong, but she just said over and over that I didn’t want to know. And maybe I should have listened, but I kept pressing until she finally exploded at me. She told me what happened and what her father did. That she was in love with you.
“And finally it all made sense. She was never in love with me. She only ever had eyes for you. Even if she was forced to marry me, I would never, ever live up to you.”
We are both statues, looking into each other’s eyes, standing face to face with the person we have spent our whole life hating.
“I…” I begin, but trail off as I realize I don’t have anything to say. He shakes his head, his face pinching as he tries to stop the tears.
“You don’t have to say anything. I blamed you for my own failings, for blindly believing you weren’t worth my time and that cost me her friendship. She didn’t owe me that.”
Something still sticks in my mind. “You said you are still going to marry. On the stage.”
He shrugs. “I was. After everything that happened with you and her, her father was even more adamant about it. I guess…I don’t know Mason. But you have to realize she could never have you.”
The blow stings, and I scoff at him. “Rich, coming from someone who wanted to trap her in a marriage she didn’t want. She was my only friend for years, Thalen, and you still were selfish enough to want her for yourself.” The tension sits between us, the hatred that we had for all those years peeking its head out, waiting for its chance to explode like it has time and time again.
But this time, he sighs and releases the tension from his shoulders, letting them droop. “It doesn’t matter now, does it?” We stare out in contemplative silence at the city below, the lights shining bright as the celebrations continue on.
“I suppose it doesn’t.”
He steps back from the railing and turns to meet my gaze. I see years of hatred and malice towards me ebbing away, until I’m staring into the eyes of someone I don’t know anymore. “Good luck in there, Jo.”
He disappears inside, leaving me to shudder at the first, and likely last, time he used my nickname.
⤱⤱⤱
My stomach churns as I lay in bed, from both the conversation and the nerves about the arena. My exhaustion eventually wins out, but my sleep is anything but peaceful. My nightmares drift between visions of Livia and my family and Thalen all in the arena, staring up at me with glazed eyes as they bleed out. Finnick saying the Capital loves broken boys in love. Thalen’s eyes as he calls me Jo. Lush’s face twisting into a smirk as he throws a spear right through my chest.
I wake up with a gasp, and the early morning light is just beginning to filter in through the windows. Goosebumps line my arm, and I put a hand up to my forehead to wipe the sweat away. I slowly climb out of bed to check the hallway, and bump into Blight just as he is coming to grab me.
“Come eat, Johanna.” I follow him, and the display of food in front of me is nauseating. I force myself to eat anyway, choking down some yogurt and pastries. The morning speeds by, a whirlwind of people flitting about and zipping me into my outfit for the arena.
It’s a dark brown zip up, the fabric fairly thick and warm but not too much that it would be difficult to dry. The outside is a slippery shell, likely water resistant. I look in the mirror before I leave; I look like I could be right back in Seven, hiding among the trees.
The floor is empty by the time I have to go. Blight is meeting us at the arena, and Thalen is nowhere to be seen, likely already to the loading area. I sigh, take a look around the floor, and exit down the elevator for the last time.
I’m sheparded immediately by Peacekeepers to a hovercraft, where I am strapped in and unable to get out (so nobody throws themself off, most likely). All of the tributes avoid meeting each other’s eyes, and I look down the row to see Thalen, head bowed and eyes closed. Peacekeepers inject us with a tracker, a sharp pain shooting into my arm.
From where I am, I can just barely peek out the side of the hovercraft and over the city. The skyline, its mountains and lakes, fades behind us as we venture out into the open plains, where shells of past arenas lay dormant. Museums, where Capitol citizens can reenact the brutal highlights of the victors. Will my death be just another replay for them to imitate?
My stomach lurches as we quickly drop, the walls darkening as we descend to a landing pad deep underground. Peacekeepers unload us, each of us disappearing into a room quickly to avoid others seeing our locations.
The room is stark white empty, apart from the cylinder tube with the starting pedestal and a timer countdown on a screen in the corner. I consider getting to it and smashing it, using the shards to bleed myself out and not have to die a gruesome death.
But I can’t. I have to try, for my family. I have to make them proud.
The timer ticks down the minutes, and I pace around the room, taking deep breaths to avoid throwing up the food I ate earlier. I’m so deep in my head that I don’t notice the door clicking open.
“Johanna,” Blight says, pulling me out of my stupor. His eyes are dark-rimmed, and I’m struck in this moment by how old he looks. He’s not that much older than me but he looks like he’s lived a lifetime after watching us kids die year after year.
He steps over to me, and we do what we do best: silence. He wraps me into a warm hug, and I start to tremble with fear as he gently pats my back.
“I’m going to die in there,” I squeak out breathlessly, my eyes wide with panic as the reality of the situation hits me.
He shakes his head, trying his best to reassure me. “If anyone can do this, it’s you. They aren’t gunning for you. Just do what you do best. You’re Johanna Mason, after all. Feistiest girl in Seven.” He holds both my hands, giving them a squeeze. “I have to go to Thalen now, but I wanted to give this back to you. It was approved for the arena.”
He pulls my necklace out of his pocket, the thin gold chain glinting as he pulls it around my neck. The wolf hangs in front of my heart, and I reach my hand up to rub my fingers against it. A little piece of Livia just for me.
Before he goes, he gives me one last hug. The timer has two minutes left, and I watch the seconds tick down. I’m glad that I am the one that will leave this room alone, and not Thalen. It’s fitting for me to leave this world by myself, with Livia’s love close to my chest. I tuck the necklace beneath my top, and as the timer indicates 30 seconds, I step into the tube.
I close my eyes and hum the tune my family would always sing at nighttime when I was younger.
All we need is each other
The trees and the bees
A world of wonder
For you and me
We will be with you
Through thick and thin
Side-by-side together
Though evil may be comin'
Sleep my darlings, knowing we are near
To watch you this night
And when the axe finally falls
We will hold each other tight
The cylinder slides closed, and I keep humming the tune with tears welling in my eyes as the pedestal begins to rise.