Chapter Text
Direct Messages between Peter the Panda and Perry the Platypus
Perry: Hey, Peter? How aggressive are pandas usually?
Peter: What are you asking me for?
Perry: I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.
Peter: Oh, right. Pandas. Sorry. What did you need?
Perry: Are you okay?
Peter: Don’t worry about it. Just tell me what’s going on.
Perry: Really?
Peter: Yeah, I’m focused now.
Perry: There’s some pandas running through Danville. The reason why is unimportant, but I’m pretty sure they’re all fairly confused about why they aren’t in China anymore. Do I have to be concerned about them hurting anyone, or can I focus on helping Dr. D with what he’s working on?
Peter: Okay. Pandas can fight each other, but in most cases, they’ll want to avoid humans.
Perry: Cool. Thanks.
Peter: Yep. Bye.
Direct Messages between Peter the Panda and Perry the Platypus
Perry: Well, the good news is that all the pandas are safely back in China, no one was hurt, and there was only minimal property damage.
Peter: That’s nice.
Perry: Do you want me to tell you what happened now?
Peter: You can.
Perry: Well, I don’t want to if you aren’t interested. Should I leave you alone?
Peter: No. I don’t want that.
Perry: All right. What do you want?
Peter: Tell me about what happened at school.
Perry: All right. Dr. D was explaining the way his chicken-replace-inator works. Apparently, it deals with a lot of biological concepts. Anyway, someone asked if it only worked with chickens, and then requested a panda-replace-inator. It got stuck in willy-nilly furthest panda fire mode, and I’m sure you can connect the dots from there.
Perry: Once we got the panda-replace-inator under control, Dr. D and I had to find a way to get the things that the pandas had replaced back from China. Then we rounded the pandas up and Dr. D teleported them back home.
Perry: I guess it isn’t an exceptionally interesting story. At least not compared to most of my interactions with Dr. D.
Perry: Peter? Are you there?
Peter: Sorry, Perry. I’m just really tired right now.
Perry: What happened? Did you have to take a night shift?
Peter: No. I made bad choices. Not that it really matters.
Perry: Is everything all right, Peter?
Peter: No. I have a headache, and I have to go to work in some amount of time.
Perry: Some amount of time?
Peter: Thirty minutes ago.
Perry: Shouldn’t you go then?
Peter: Probably.
Perry: I’m sorry. I’m trying to be a good friend, but I’m so confused.
Peter: I told you already. Don’t worry about it.
Perry: Why are you skipping your mission?
Peter: The simple answer is that it’s a stupid mission that doesn’t even need to be done.
Perry: Why does it exist then?
Peter: Because I haven’t had anything to do for a week and my boss decided to assign me something.
Perry: Is Mystery taking a break?
Peter: Sure.
Perry: Well, what kind of mission is it anyway?
Peter: I’m supposed to go to areas of Seattle where our camera coverage is more spotty and try to go around undetected. It’s basically a check on our security.
Perry: Actually, that sounds kind of fun.
Peter: Do you have any idea how big Seattle is? There’s no way I’ll make any sizable dent in this project, and my boss doesn’t expect me to. It’s pure busy-work.
Perry: Okay, but won’t you get in trouble if you don’t show up at all?
Peter: Maybe.
Perry: Peter, can you just tell me what’s really going on right now?
Peter: I don’t know, Perry.
Perry: Why not?
Peter: Because I don’t have any right to complain about this. I deserve it.
Perry: I’m sure that’s not true. What do you think you deserve?
Peter: Mystery doesn’t want to be my nemesis anymore.
Perry: What? Peter, you don’t deserve that at all! What happened?
Peter: He found someone else he liked better.
Perry: Who?
Peter: I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter, does it? All that matters is that I don’t have a nemesis anymore.
Perry: Peter, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.
Peter: Why?
Perry: What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I be sorry that something horrible happened to my friend?
Peter: That’s just it. This is horrible. Some new, exciting agent came in and stole my nemesis from me. It feels like my entire life has been upended.
Perry: I know it does.
Peter: How are you not seeing this? I’m the reason you know how this feels! What I’m experiencing is exactly what I did to you! I don’t want you to be on my side. You shouldn’t be. This is just karma or something.
Perry: Peter, I forgave you for trying to take Dr. D. You know that. You don’t deserve this.
Peter: Neither did you.
Perry: No, but it wasn’t all on you, either. Honestly, it was mostly Dr. D.
Peter: I still did a lot.
Perry: This isn’t a worthwhile discussion, Peter. What can I do to help? Do you want to talk about it more, brainstorm ideas for how to make this better, distract yourself?
Peter: How could this possibly be made better?
Perry: That depends on what happened. Admittedly, that option kind of requires talking about it anyway.
Peter: There’s not much to talk about. It had been a few days since I’d last been called in to fight Mystery, so I went to make sure he was okay. It turns out that he was fine, and he told me he was fighting somebody else now. That’s about it.
Perry: Peter, that’s awful.
Peter: Sure. Actually, I don’t know if this is helping.
Perry: All right. What do you want me to do?
Peter: Leave me alone?
Perry: Do you truly want that?
Peter: I’m asking for it, aren’t I?
Perry: What exactly do you plan to do if I leave you alone?
Peter: I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.
Perry: Well, I’m assuming you’re not going to work today, then.
Peter: Nope.
Perry: So you want me to leave you alone so you can be upset by yourself?
Peter: Maybe.
Perry: I highly doubt that’s going to make anything better.
Peter: What do you suggest I do? Because I don’t see any way for this to get better. It took ages to get to the point I was with Mystery, and now he’s decided to throw me away like we were nothing.
Perry: That doesn’t mean you have to be alone.
Peter: Perry, there’s no one in Seattle who would do me any good right now.
Perry: Just because I’m not in Seattle doesn’t mean I don’t exist.
Peter: You have work. Monogram’s not going to be happy if you skip to hang out with me. I’m not exactly being a model agent right now, remember?
Perry: You could come to work with me.
Peter: You’re suggesting I come listen in to a high school class with you? No thanks. I think I prefer it in my apartment, thank you.
Perry: Peter, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.
Peter: I don’t care.
Perry: Fine. You’re an adult. I can’t make you do anything. However, I know how upset you are, and I really think it would help if you found something to do that isn’t just being miserable.
Peter: Sure. Thanks for your input. I’ll make my own decisions, thank you.
Perry: All right. Let me know if you think of anything you’d like me to do.