Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He thought they would understand. I mean they were his family. "It might be hard now. Then I'll be back with my family, and everything will be okay again." He finds himself replaying those words in his head. Every. Single. Night. He wants to laugh at how wrong he was. They weren't a family. Maybe they never were. Maybe he was just blind by the want of it all. The want to be loved. For the first time in his life. But maybe it was never real. Maybe he never mattered to them, the way they mattered to him. And deep inside, it killed him.

It's been 3 weeks exactly since he's been back with the 118. Almost a month. And things were somehow worse than they were when he first got back. Everyone looked through him. The thing he hated most in this world. They didn't yell or scream at him. They did the tell him how bad he messed up. They just treated him like a ghost. Like he was just another person on shift that they never talked to. They never waited for him to eat anymore. Nor was he invited. But as time went on, he stopped being hungry. He felt more weak. Not wanting Bobby to pick up on it, and make him do probie work for even longer, he worked himself even harder. Pushing down the weakness. "Now is not the time to go weak Buckley." He would tell himself. He would promise himself. He wouldn't go weak. So he pushes himself harder than before. Not that anyone noticed. They never noticed him anymore.

After a long 24 hour shift, he walked through the door to his loft, and he finally allowed himself to give into the tiredness. He allowed his eyes to droop, the drowsiness to come back to his mind. He made it half way up the stairs before he realized it was more than just being tired and weak. His fingers went numb, his mind went blank. He tried to reach for his phone to call somebody. Before he realized, he didn't have anyone to call. No one who would care enough to come check on him, after the long shift they just had. So he let his arms drop by his side, and let fate take it's course. His vision deteriorating, from the outskirts of his eyes. Finally giving into the darkness.

He can feel before he could see or hear. He could feel the hard ground his back laid on. He could feel the pain in the back of his head. The pain in his left arm, aching and probably bruised. Slowly peeling his eyes open, his vision coming soon after. Blinking away the dark edges, he lays silently for a few moments. Letting the ringing in his ears, ease up before moving his head to look around. He was at the bottom of his stairs. Taking a few seconds to figure out be must have fallen down them. Which would explain the aching in his head and arm. Sighing, he slowly sits up, bringing a hand to the back of his head, he feels the liquid. He's felt it before, numours times. Still he can't help but feel annoyed. He makes note to see his doctor the next day to make sure it's nothing too serious. But for now, he makes his way to the couch. Not wanting to risk falling down the stairs again.

The next day he wakes up at 8:00am, wanting to get it done and over with. He calls her right away to make the appointment, then starts to get ready. He takes a shower, wincing at the stinging. He sees the dry blood, wash down the drain sighing in relief. Not having an appetite yet again, he skips breakfast, grabbing his keys and heading out the door before he can convince himself it's a good idea. He knows he probably shouldn't drive, but he can't bring himself to care.

Now he sits in the room, waiting for Dr. Lyra to come back. They did a CT scan for some reason. But Buck didn't think too much of it, thinking they just wanted to be cautious. But when she came back into the room, he could tell something was wrong.

"Hello again, Buck." Buck didn't let her finish, knowing she was just gonna best around the bush about it.

"What is it?"

"What do you mean?" Buck scoffs.

"I know that look. That's the look people get when they have to tell me yet another thing is wrong with me, so what is it?" Dr. Lyra sighs. She always hated giving news like this to patients.

"We did a CT scan as you know. And we found something that we originally thought was a blood clot in your brain." Buck nodded waiting for her to continue. He had a feeling he knew where this was going.

"I'm sorry Buck. We found cancerous tumors in the temporal and occipital lobe in your brain." Buck closes his eyes and turns away. In a way he feels like he's known for a while. But he never thought it was serious. It's like, you know when your brain tries to trick you into thinking you have cancer, or internal bleeding or something, but you never actually believe it. You just convince yourself you're being paranoid.

Taking a deep breath, Buck focuses back on Dr. Lyra.

"Okay. So wha-what does that mean? Where do we go from here? I mean there are treatments for it right? Like chemotherapy?"

"Well, we'll need to do more tests, to determine how bad it is. There might be more that didn't show up on the CT scan. Once we do that, we can decide which chemotherapy to distribute, or if that's even an option." This was all very overwhelming for Buck. He wants to call Maddie. She'll probably retain more of this information than he can.

"Chemotherapy might not be an option?"

"We'll have to see how far it's progressed before we can make any decisions. Our best hope is that we caught it in time." Buck let's them take his blood, as they order other tests. He never realized just how many tests they had to do for cancer. When their done he takes his phone and calls Maddie. He doesn't want to tell anyone else yet. But he needs someone who's not mad at him to support him. On the 4th ring she answers.

"Hey! What's up?" Maddie's voice on the other line is quiet, leaving Buck confused.

"Maddie? Are you okay, you're really quiet?"

"Um, Yea no I'm good, I'm just with Chim right now. Why, was there something you needed?" Buck realizes why she was acting strange. She didn't want Chim to know he was on the other line.

"Uh.... No. No I'm good. Have fun." He hangs up before she can respond. He sighs and leans his head back against his pillow they had gotten for him. He guesses it's a good thing he just had a 24 hour shift, cause that means he has the next 48 hours off. He feels himself start to drift, figuring it would be a while till he got the results, he decides to get some rest. He had a feeling it was gonna be a long day.

A few hours pass when the doctor comes back to the room. He had just woken up a few minutes prior, but was feeling a bit better than when he came in to the hospital.

"Have a nice nap?" Buck can only offer a half ass smile before responding.

"Yea. Sorry I was tired. Hope that was okay." Dr. Lyra smiles back softly.

"Of course it is." She hesitates before speaking again, which makes Buck nervous.

"Is there anyone we can call? This can be a difficult time for anyone. It might be nice to have some support." Buck is already shaking his head. He's already decided he doesn't want anyone else to know. He didn't want the reason they forgave him to be because he was dying. He wanted them to get past it on their own terms.

"No I... I already decided I didn't want to tell anyone. I wouldnt want to put them out. I know I can be kind of exhausting." Buck chuckles a little, although Dr. Lyra didn't find it amusing.

"I'm sure they wouldn't think that. Their your friends. They'd just want you to be okay." Buck agrees, only so she would stop talking about it. He's already made up his mind. She should know how stubborn Buck was, from all the physical therapy he endured for 6 months.

"I'll think about it. What did the tests say? How bad is it? Are you here to tell me I only have a few months to live?" Buck's pathetic attemt as a smile didn't go over her head. She smiles and shakes her head.

"We didn't find any other cancerous cells. From what we can tell, your only stage two. There's a good chance, with some chemotherapy, and rest, you can make a full recovery. If the chemo works, you could be up and firefighting within a year." Bucks smile drops.

"There's a chance it won't work?"

" Well there's always a chance it doesn't work. Let's just take it one step at a time. We can start treatment in about a week. That'll give us time to plan everything out. Do you have any questions?" Buck thinks for a moment. He knows a little bit about the brain, but he doesn't know how it'll affect him.

"Will there be things I won't be able to do? How much will this really affect me? I mean the brain, tha-that's a pretty essential part of the body."

"Well, the cancer in your temporal lobe will affect your speech, memory, maybe even your hearing and behavioral habits. And the occipital lobe will affect your vision. The Chemo and medication we'll have you on, can also make you very weak and tired. You'll be nauseous, loss of appetite, weight loss as well." She pauses, noticing how overwhelmed Buck was getting. Fidgeting with the ring on his pinky.

"What about my hair? Will I lose that too?"

"Some people do. Others don't. We'll start off with 3 months of chemotherapy treatment. And we'll take it from there. I can also print out some papers for you, that'll have a bit more detail."

Over the next 2 days, Buck has been planning. Making sure everything is ready for when he gets really sick. He disassembled his bed and brought it downstairs. He had a feeling he'd be too weak to crawl his way upstairs every night when he was done work. He brought his dresser full of clothes downstairs as well, then moved his couch upstairs. Rearranging around his whole loft, even making a bunch of different soups and freezing them for when he was nauseous. He didn't mind doing all those things, it kept his mind busy. Plus he'd rather do it now before he was too weak and couldn't. He doesn't look forward to telling Bobby he wouldn't be able to work anymore. He knows he still has a few months before then. He just hopes the chemo does its job and he won't have to have that conversation.

The next day at work was the same as the last. A bit weak, but nothing he couldn't handle. He didn't feel too sick yet, which was weird. Knowing he had cancer but not feeling any different from before. He looks to Eddie. Feeling a sense of nostalgia. He shouldn't look at Eddie and feel that. Not yet anyway. It was way too soon to be feeling nostalgic. He shouldn't miss him. He was right in front him, yet it's the furthest he's ever felt. Everything is just out of place. Eddie used to be Bucks best friend. Now he's barley a co-worker. They don't even do chores together anymore. Realistically, Buck knows it doesn't take two people to clean a window. But he liked having Eddie so close. Even the air around him used to bring so much comfort. But now all he feels is this cold wind. The ghost of who Eddie used to be when he was with Buck. He hates himself even more now. All he wanted was his family. But his stupid abandonment issues got in the way again, and convinced him that if he didn't have firefighting, he didn't have anyone. It made so much sense at the time. He only got this family because he was a firefighter. Before he was alone. Living out of his car, with no one to have his back. It was supposed to be different now. Buck really shouldn't be surprised he screwed it up again. He always fucks everything up. He just didn't think I'd be this soon.

At the end of the day he tries to talk to Eddie. Lately everyone looked through him. Like he was a ghost. He felt invisible. He just wanted someone to notice him even if it was just to yell at him. They were in the locker room, everyone else had left, and it was just them. Buck sensed Eddie was about to leave so he spoke up.

"Eddie wait." The other didn't flinch, almost expecting Buck to say something. Instead he closes his locker and makes his way to the door. Not a single word leaving his lips.

"Eddie please. Just talk to me." Sighing Eddie put his bag down, and turned back to Buck.

"What would you like me to say Buck?"

"Anything. Punch, kick, yell at me for all I care. Just say something." Eddie rolls his eyes, going to pick up his bag from the ground.

"I did yell at you. It did nothing." Before Eddie could leave, Buck grabbed the bag from his shoulder and stepped back.

"I'm not letting you leave until you talk to me." Eddie steps forward, annoyed at Bucks antics. But Buck takes a step back, not allowing Eddie to reach him.

"Give me my bag Buck."

"Not until you talk to me." Getting more frustrated, Eddie tries to take a step forward, cornering Buck against the lockers.

"Just give it back."

"Talk to me. Just tell me what I need to do to fix this." Finally Eddie has enough, pushing Buck up against the lockers by his shoulders. Buck holds his breath. Waiting for Eddie to speak.

"You can't fix this Buck. You screwed up. You chose to sue the department, to sue us. Now you get to live with that decision for the rest of your life. So stop complaining, and suck it up." Eddie roughly grabs his bag back and walks out. Bobby catches his eye, assuming he probably overheard the whole thing, Buck sighs and slams his head and against the metal. He doesn't know why he thought that would make him feel better. But he knows Eddie wasn't wrong. He wants to explain why he did it, but he doesn't know how. Grabbing his own bag he walks out, avoiding everyone's gaze as he leaves the station he once thought of as a home.

Chapter Text

It's been a week since Buck got diagnosed. Making no progress with anyone. He kinda feels like Hen wants to talk to him, but something's holding her back. He's starting his first round of chemo tomorrow. He wishes someone was there with him. He considers telling Maddie, but he quickly shuts that idea down. He knows she'll fuss over him. So he otps for suffering in silence. I mean he's gone nearly his entire life suffering in silence. What's a few more months. And if the chemo works, he might not have to tell anyone. After another few hours of tossing and turning, he decides to get ready for his appointment. He takes an apple for the road, the first thing he's been able to keep down for days.

Arriving at his appointment, he sits in the waiting room. His thoughts consuming him again. He misses Eddie, and Bobby. He misses his family. He saw Bobby as the father he always wish he had but never did. His birth father -as Buck liked to call him- never cared. Constantly blaming him for things he was too young to understand. Going 26 years hoping and praying he'd finally find people who not only loved him, and saw him instead of a ghost, but understood how important all those things were to him. He thought he'd finally found them. He wants to laugh at how stupid it all seems now. How dramatic he's being. His mind telling him he'd never find people who understood him, cause he was always being unreasonable. Telling him it was selfish to want things for himself, like a family. Eddie's words echoing in his mind. "Cause you're exhausting. We all have our own problems, but you don't hear us complaining." Before he can have a full blown panic attack, Dr. Lyra comes into the room, gently placing a hand on his shoulder, shaking him out of his thoughts.

"We're ready for you." Buck looks up, trying to calm his breathing before anyone noticed the oncoming attack. He smiles softly, and stands up, following her out the door.

He sat still, as they poked and prodded him. Finally leaving him alone. Or so he thought.

"Hey. First time?" He quickly looked over, coming face to face with another guy. Light blonde hair, with heterochromia eyes. One light blue, the other forest green. He couldn't help but notice how unusual his appearance was. He doesn't think he could find someone who looked even slightly like him.

"Uh hi? And yea. First time." The guy smiled. He seemed friendly enough.

"How long have you had cancer?" Buck raises his eyebrows at the invasive question.

"You ask that to everyone you meet or?" The guy chuckles, and shakes his head. Somehow it makes Buck's shoulders ease up.

"Only to make conversation." Buck smiles back, and looks towards his feet. He pauses for a moment before answering.

"A week. Though it feels like longer." The guy nods his head in understanding.

"It probably has been." Buck looks over in question. The guy notices and speaks up.

"You may have been diagnosed a week ago, but you've probably had it for longer. What stage are you?" Buck thinks back, before answering.

"Stage two." The guy nods again, thinking. Like he was trying to figure out math. Buck figures the guy is around the same, by the way he looks. He hasn't lost his hair. So Buck thinks there must be hope for that.

"You've probably had it for around a month or two. What kind you got?" Buck feels his breath stop. A month or two? He's been sick for that long? He remembers Dr. Lyra telling him the cancer can affect his behavior. Could that be why he filed the law-suit? Before he can think too much about it the guy is clearing his throat.

"Uh sorry. It's brain cancer. One in my temporal lobe, and another in my occipital lobe. What about you?"

"Leukemia. I've had it for about 3 months. But I got diagnosed about 3 weeks ago. I'm Jamie by the way." Buck frowns. He's had it for 3 months and he's still sick?

"I'm Buck." They spend the next hour talking. Mainly about Bucks predicament with everyone at the 118. Usually he wouldn't spoil his whole life to a stranger, but he figured he's kinda in the run for making new friends.

"Wait hold on. So you got crushed by a firetruck? Worked your ass off for 6 months to get back to work, only to have a pulmonary embolism, nearly died again, then got stuck in a tsunami with your best friend's son, proved you could still do your job even on blood thinners, and your captain still wouldn't let you back to work? And to top it all off. Cancer." Buck hadn't realised how much had happened. I mean yea he knew, but he didn't realize until how much it was until it was said out loud.

"Pretty much. Then I went a filed a stupid law-suit to get back to work. To get back to the only family I ever had, and now they all hate me, which I guess is understandable." Jamie looks towards Buck dumbfounded.

"Understandable? If I was in your position I would have done the same thing." Buck shakes his head in disbelief.

"No you wouldn't have-"

"Yes I would. I'm serious!" Jamie laughs we the Buck. It feels good to laugh.

"I mean if everything that happened to you happened to me, I would do more than sue. They don't really seem like family." Bucks smile fell. He never really saw a version of this story where they came out as the bad guys.

"It's uh complicated. Besides what would you know? If you know so much about what a family is supposed to be like, where are they now?" Buck didn't mean to come off so aggressive. Immediately regretting his words he goes to apologize.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I don't know why it came out like that." Jamie shakes his head with a smile.

"Nah it's alright. My uh. My mother died from cancer when I was 8. My father blamed me for it, and left when I was younger. My aunt raised me, I just uh, haven't told her yet. I don't want her to think she'll lose me the same way she lost her sister. She wouldn't survive this." Buck nods his head, feeling guilty for his previous words.

"I'm sorry about your mom. I haven't told anyone either. Not even my sister. She basically raised me. Until she left and I got stuck with my parents, though I don't really blame her for that. She had good reasons. I just don't want her to worry you know? She does that a lot. Besides she'll probably tell everyone and make them feel guilty for ignoring me."

"Would that be such a bad thing? You'd finally have your family back." Buck would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it. I mean that's why he did the whole law-suit. To get back to his family.

"I don't want them back like that. I want them to forgive me on their own terms. Not because they think I'm gonna die, and they don't want to have any regrets." Jamie nods in understanding.

"I get that. Just don't wait too long. You know you'll have to tell them eventually." Buck puts on his facade, shrugging his shoulders jokingly.

"Not necessarily. I mean I could just quit without telling them why. And I could say the same thing for you. You should tell your aunt." Jamie thinks for a moment before smiling. Like an idea came to him in a lightbulb.

"How about this. By our next appointment, I'll tell my aunt if you tell you sister." Buck meets his eyes, the chaos matching the color.

"Okay deal."

"You have to swear, or it doesn't count." Buck tilts his head in confusion, before shrugging his shoulders.

"Okay, deal bitch." Jamie busts out laughing, leaning over his knees, mouth wide open as he tries to catch his breath.

"I meant you need to swear that you'll actually tell her, not physically swear." Buck blushes, realizing his mistake.

"Oh. Right. I swear I'll tell her." Jamie wipes the tears from his eyes as Buck tries not to die from embarrassment.

"Ah, you and me are gonna get along great." Buck finds himself smiling and shaking his head, before the nurse comes in to tell Jamie his time is up. Leaving Buck alone for the next 15 minutes.

On the way back to his loft, Buck had thought a lot about what Jamie said. Ever since he won the law-suit, he always thought he was the bad guy in this situation. Even though it made sense at the time. Once he gets back home, he spends the next 17 minutes staring at his phone. Finger hovering over Maddie's name. He knows he swore he'd tell her. He doesn't know why he's finding it so hard. He guesses it's not exactly easy to tell the person who's taken care of you your entire life, that your dying and there's nothing she can do to fix it. Maddie likes to fix things just as much as Buck. He quickly figured out it was a Buckley thing. Before he can change his mind, he clicks on her contact and brings the phone up to his ear, holding his breath as he waits to hear her voice. He kind of hopes she doesn't answer so he can just blame it on that, but that hope quickly dies out as her calming voice rings through the phone.

"Hey Buck!" It's a few seconds before he responds, forgetting he was holding his breath.

"Uh hey Maddie!" Immediately she can tell something was wrong. Call it older sister magic if you will.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" It catches Buck off guard, not expecting her to notice so soon. Before he can stop himself, he blurts out the same old excuse he always does, out of habit.

"Uh, yea. Yea I'm good. I was just uh, calling to see if you.... Wanted to have lunch with me tomorrow?" Buck silently curses himself. Why did he have to say lunch? He knows he won't be able to keep anything down, but theres no going back now. He figures he can tell her then, and it'll give him a bit of time to come up with how he's gonna tell her.

"Yea sure! Are you sure you're okay?" Buck considers just telling her right then and there, before he shakes his head.

"Yea, I'm good. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you." He hangs before she can respond. He knows she doesn't believe him. He wouldn't even believe him after that phone call. He spends the rest of the day overthinking. Pacing around his livingroom, that was now more like a bedroom. Before getting bored and decided to pace around his kitchen instead. Trying to keep something other than an apple down, to no avail. His head started to hurt after a while, so he decides to lay down, and try to get some sleep.

He got a solid 3 hours, broken up into pieces of panic, tears, and more panic. That's usually how he spent most of his nights lately. He finds himself missing the nights he didn't wake up in a panic thinking he died.

The next day wasn't any easier. The headache from all the thinking he did the night before didn't make it any better. He takes the medicine he was prescribed for the cancer, and then downs 3 advil, hoping that would get rid of the headache. Finally deciding it was early enough to leave, he grabs his keys and wallet and heads out, not bothering to eat anything, knowing he wouldn't be able to keep it down.

Arriving at the cafe he finds Maddie already there. He almost considers turning around and leaving. He probably would have if Maddie hadn't noticed him. Waving him over, he smiles softly, watching as she raised from her chair to give him a hug.

"I was surprised to get your call yesterday. I've barely heard from you for like a week." Buck knows he should feel guilty, but he can't seem to get there. He thinks it's probably the cancer.

"Uh yea sorry. I've kinda had a lot on my mind." Maddie nods, as they sit down. She figured it was about the law-suit. She knows how hard it's been for him. Trying her best to be there, without taking sides.

"The law-suit right? I know it's been tough. But I'm here if you wanna talk." Maddie reaches over and grabs Buck's hand. Gently holding on, as a way to tell Buck she really meant it.

"Yea I know. It's just, kinda weird you know. I mean you and Chimney are dating. I don't want to make you feel like you have to chose sides." Maddie shakes her head. She feels awful that he feels alone.

"You're not, I promise. Yes, me and Chimney are dating. But you are my brother. That comes first. Always." Buck smiles. He feels like he could actually tell her. It wouldn't be so bad, having a nurse, through all of this.

"So you don't think I was being unreasonable right?" Maddie hesitates, before speaking up, leaving Buck confused.

"No." Buck tilts his head to the side, taking his hand out of hers.

"What was that?"

"What?" Buck scoffs, leaning back in his chair, getting defensive. He doesn't know if it was the cancer or just him.

"You hesitated. You think I was wrong don't you? That I was just being 'Buck' about it." Maddie sighs, trying to take his hand back, but he pushes her away and rolls his eyes.

"It's not that I think you were being dramatic. It's just...." Buck narrows his eyebrows towards his sister, now reconsidering telling her at all.

"Just what?" Maddie pauses, she doesn't want her brother to feel worse about the whole thing, or make him think that she won't be there for him.

"You tend to kind of.... Overreact?" Buck stands up from his chair in anger. Not caring if it was the cancer or just him letting anger get the best of him.

"Overreacting?" Maddie stands up to, frantic, trying to take back her words.

"Not overreacting, that was the wrong word, but just.... Sometimes you can be a bit reckless, and do things without thinking. But that's not a bad thing! It's just something to work on." Buck doesn't believe what he's hearing. He can't believe he even thought of telling her.

"I can't believe this Maddie. You're siding with them?" Buck begins to walk backwards, wanting to get away from Maddie before he says something he can't take back.

"I'm not siding with anyone-"

"Bulshit!" Maddie gasps in shock. It's not often she hears her brother get angry enough to swear. Especially not at her.

"Evan!" He takes a breath. Staring at her for a few moments. Neither of them say anything else, for a while minute. Although it feels like longer.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to lash out and say something reckless. I guess I was just being good ol' Buck." Not giving her a chance to say anything else, Buck walks back to the jeep that was once his sister's, and drives away.

Chapter Text

The next day at work was rough. He could feel the exhaustion weigh him down. He could feel the bags under his eyes, dig deeper into his skin. Replaying all the words he said to Maddie. Feeling guilty, but not enough to call her to apologize. He feels more guilty that he he's probably gonna have to break his promise to Jamie.

Working through the ache, and stares he got all day, just wishing the day would be over. He doesn't try to talk to anyone today, which everyone found weird. But they didn't care enough to do something about it. Hen felt guilty, but she still felt mad. Anytime she felt like she could move on and forgive him, he'd look at her and the thought would go right out her head. Anger replacing it.

Bobby didn't know what to feel. Anger? Disappointment? He didn't know if he was disappointed in himself or Buck. Not ready to have that conversation yet, he focuses on just ignoring it. Feeling he would talk when he was ready. Don't get him wrong, he missed Buck. More than he thought he would. But he couldn't bring himself to forgive him quite yet. Thinking he had more time, what was a little while longer right?

Eddie, wasn't just angry. He was filled with rage. Every inch of his body covered in it. He could feel it seeping into his veins anytime he looked at Buck. He was angry at Buck for the law-suit. Angry at him for not only putting him through that, but Christopher as well. He was only 8. He didn't understand why Buck never came around anymore. Why his dad never talked about him. Anytime he brought him up, Eddie would quickly shut it down. Claiming Buck was just busy. But Chris could tell it was more.

And after what Maddie told Chim about her fight with Buck he was furious. He didn't think he could get any angrier. But yelling at Maddie like that? Chim had wondered what had gotten into Buck for him to act out like that. Quickly figuring out, he didn't care. He just wanted to yell and scream at him for taking his drama out on Maddie. So after a day of ignoring Buck, he finally couldn't keep it in anymore. They were eating dinner together, well Buck wasn't. While everyone else sat at the table, he sat further away on the couch at the end of the room.

"You seem pretty quiet there Buck. Got nothing to say now?" Buck looks up startled. He's not the only one. The rest of the 118 looking at him in confusion.

"What?" Buck turns around to look at Chimney, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Well you just seemed to have so much to say to Maddie yesterday, I thought you'd have a bit more drama you'd like to pile on everyone else. Seems to kinda be your thing lately." Buck sighs and turns back around. Not wanting to deal with this today.

"I shouldn't be surprised she told you." Hen glances between the two, confused at the altercation.

"What's going on? What am I missing here?" Chim smiles smugly, looking towards the back of Buck's head.

"Why don't you tell em Buck? You seem to have a natural talent of making everything about you." Buck closes his eyes in frustration, letting out a sigh before standing up and heading for the stairs.

"Oh now you guys wanna know what goes on in my life? You decided you wanted no part of that. You can't have it both ways." Before he could make it down the stairs, Chims voice pipes up, making Buck freeze.

"We chose to ignore you for good reason Buck. Or did you just forget about what you did? Maddie came to you, to comfort you, out of the goodness in her heart, and you decided to go all Buck on her and fuck it up like you always do." Everyone holds their breath. Buck freezing at the top of the stairs. He hated when they said that. They knew it too. The way they said his name. Like he was a disease. Guess now he kind of was. Turning back around in anger, taking quick strides to come face to face with the person he once called a friend. The person he thought of as a brother.

"Oh yea, her telling me it was all my fault, and that I was dramatic for wanting a family, the-the only family I ever had was 'being there for me out of the goodness in her heart.' Saying my name like it was a disease, like she was disgusted to even have the word come out of her mouth. That-that was being there for me? How about the- the time she left me to fend for myself with my abusive ashole parents who never gave a crap about me. She was probably there for me too right? Or no I know, it was the second time she left me, promising me she would come with me, and we could have a life together. Just us against the world, like she always said, an- and then leaving me, again, not speaking so much as one word to me for 3 years, leaving me homeless, and alone, then come back one day and pretend like everythings okay. That was probably her being there for me right? Out of the goodness in her heart?" The words left him breathless. Heaving, trying to grasp onto the little air he had left. Leaving him light headed. Everyone had stood up, crowding around them, watching them with uneasy eyes. Ready to jump in if they had to.

"Don't you dare say that about her, you know why she couldn't stay-"

"Yea I know!" The tears in his eyes made it harder to swallow the lump in his throat. Everyone was shook. Not knowing what to say. Buck takes a deep breath, not willing himself to pass out in front of them, before calmly speaking again.

"I know how hard it was for her. But just because she had it rough, doesn't mean I had it any easier. I was alone. The most alone I had ever felt. Until now. Until I got a taste of what happiness was like, to have people who I thought had my back for the first time in my life. Only for it to get ripped away. You guys have families, and children and people you get to go home to everyday. I- I don't have anything. This job and you guys were all I had. And then I lost it. And I'm sorry I hurt you guys. But I hated who I was before I was a firefighter. That guy was, pathetic, and alone, and I didn't want to feel like that again. So I faught to come back to the only people who I thought would understand, how important all that was to me. To the people I thought would understand how much I needed this job. But then you shut me out. Didn't let me explain myself, just turned on me when I needed you guys the most." Buck takes another breath, wiping the tear that managed to slip through his glossy eye.

"You don't want me in your life then fine. I'm switching to B team. So after this shift you won't have to deal with me going all 'Buck'. I know how much you guys hate that." No one else said anything. So Buck took that as his cue to leave. Charging down the stairs, and making his way into the workout room. Putting on some boxing gloves, and started punching till his hands went numb. By then they had another call to get to.

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Buck had been on B team for nearly a week. People still gave him dirty stares, but it didn't hurt as much as it did when it came from the others. He wasn't that close with anyone on the B team, so it made the dirty looks a little more bearable. It was now time for his next Chemo appointment. Waiting in the waiting room, he sits anxiously. Only now just realizing he didn't tell Maddie or anyone about his cancer. He was holding onto the hope that Jamie forgot. He couldn't handle another person being disappointed in him. When he got called back, Jamie was already there, just like last time. Which means he'll probably be done 15 minutes before Buck as well.

"Hey how was your week?" Buck couldn't help but notice Jamie also seemed anxious, looking around he noticed he was alone, just like last week.

"Exhausting." He narrows his eyebrows before he came to the conclusion.

"You didn't tell your aunt did you?" Jamie dropped his shoulders in defeat, before looking around and realizing Buck didn't tell Maddie either.

"Well it doesn't look like you told your sister!" Buck huffs, getting defensive. Not like he usually would, but in a joking manner.

"I asked you first!" Jamie sighs, before giving in.

"Okay I didn't. I'm sorry! I was going to. But when I saw how she looked at me I couldn't do it, and ended up saying 'I have hemorrhoids' instead. Then we ended up walking around the the drug store for an hour looking for special cream." Buck stares blankly at him before he bursts out laughing. Making him completely forget about the week he had.

"Oh my god. That's the best thing I've heard ever." Jamie nearly whines, and if there wasn't a bunch of tubes coming out of him, he'd smack Buck across the head.

"Shut up! It's not that funny!" That just makes Buck laugh even harder. Sending him into another fit of hysterics.

"You're kidding right? You told your aunt you had Hemorrhoids' instead of cancer. That's the best shit ever! Now I kinda wish you did have hemorrhoids'." Jamie rolls his eyes before smirking.

"No you don't. Because if I had Hemorrhoids' then I wouldn't be sitting in this chair. And if I wasn't sitting in this chair, you wouldn't have met me. And without me you'd be a pathetic 29 year old with a brain tumor and no friends." Buck stops laughing, and turns to Jamie in disbelief.

"Well then I guess it's a good thing you have cancer then." Jamie smiles before shrugging his shoulders mischievously.

"Yea so I guess that makes you a pathetic 29 year old with a brain tumor and one friend." Usually Buck would be offended. And if it came out of anyone else he probably would be. But instead he just laughs it off, and shakes his head.

"I answered your question, so now it's my turn. What happened with your sister?" Buck sighs and looks away, suddenly finding the painting of the blue tulip on the wall interesting.

"I invited her to lunch with me. And everything just sort of blew up." Jamie tilts his head, listening like he actually was invested in what Buck had to say.

"What do you mean? Did she say something? Did you tell her and for some reason she got mad?" Buck smiles just enough for you to call it that, before shaking his head.

"No no, nothing like that. I never actually got to that part. We were kind of talking about the law-suit first, and then she told me she thought I was being dramatic, and going all 'Buck'." Jamie furrows his eyebrows, bringing his head back like he couldn't wrap his head around the words.

"What does that even mean?" Buck rolls his eyes before looking towards his only friend at the moment.

"I don't even know anymore. All I know is they say it a lot, when I'm about to do something stupid. Chim brought it up at the firehouse a few days ago."

"That's your sister's boyfriend right?"

"Yea. Maddie told him that I flipped out on her, and then he flipped out on me to defend her or whatever. And it all got messy. I ended up yelling at him and then leaving. I switched to B team so I didn't have to deal with them anymore. I mean I still get people looking at me like I don't belong there, but it's less hurtful coming from people I barely know, and have no interest in." Jamie sits back in his seat and shakes his head.

"Wow. That's a lot. I thought he was supposed to be your friend? He kinda sounds like a loser, I mean what kind of name is Chimney anyway? Man his parents must hate him." Buck snorts in surprise, not expecting him to go all out like that. If felt weird. Usually when someone was mean to anyone from the 118 he wouldn't hesitate to defend them. But he finds himself not wanting to anymore. Like he's given up on them.

"It's uh complicated. And Chimney isn't his actual. It's a nickname. His real name is Howard. Or Howie for short." Jamie looks to Buck in confusion.

"Why is his nickname Chimney?" Buck smiles and shakes his head.

"I can't tell you. I've been sworn to secrecy." Jamie pouts, not giving up.

"Awe come on! He betrayed you it's the least you could do!" Buck smiles and shakes his head once again.

"Technically I betrayed him first." Jamie rolls his eyes, this time carefully reaching out, and smacking Buck on the arm. Buck looks over in shock.

"Hey!"

"How many times do I need to tell you, you didn't betray anyone for you to believe it? You only did what you did to get back to them, not that they deserve it. But I'm glad you switched teams, you need to branch out more. There's this group I go to, for people who have cancer. I go everyday after chemo, you should come!" Buck considers before shaking his head. He's not too excited about coming to terms with the fact that he has cancer. He's never even said it out, and he plans to push it off for as long as he can.

"I-i don't think so. The whole group thingy isn't really my thing." But Jamie persists.

"You have to accept it eventually. Besides you don't even have to say anything. It could just be comforting to know others are in the same boat as you. And it would be nice to hang out with you when we're both not hooked up with all these tubes. That way I would be able to smack you across the head when you make fun of me." Buck snorts, though he's still on the fence. He knows it'll probably be good for him, but he's still scared for some reason.

"I don't know." Jamie's smile softens before he gets another mischievous look in his eyes.

"How bout this. If you come to my pathetic cancer group with me. I will go by your firehouse, to make your team jealous. Somehow I have a feeling they won't like the idea of you having other friends. Especially that Eddie guy. I bet he'll get the most jealous." Shakes his head in disbelief, looking towards his friend with a smile.

"And what makes you think that's what I want?"

"Because, I think you low-key want them to see you with other people so that they'll think you've moved on. And then maybe they'll think they don't have all the time in the world to forgive you like they thought, and would like to get a headstart on things." Buck pretends to not have a clue what Jamie was talking about. Placing a hand on his chest, and scoffs.

"Well, what if I'm not ready to move on?"

"Well you know that, and I know that, but they don't have to know that. We'll just make them think you've moved on." On some level Buck doesn't believe someone would do that for him. Lately he kinda feels anything good that happens, is either temporary, or his mind playing tricks on him so that he doesn't fall further into his depression.

"And why would you do that for me? You don't even like them." Jamie shrugs and smiles.

"I may not know why you would wanna go back to them after everything they've done. But I know it's important to you, so that's all that matters." Buck mocks disappointment.

"I can't say no after you go and say something like that. Asshole." Jamie smiles excitedly and sits up in his seat, tapping Bucks shoulder repeatedly.

"So you'll come?" Buck smiles, not being able to stay upset with him for too long. Even though he was never really upset. The facade came down real quick.

"Only if you promise me, we'll do something together that's not cancer related." Jamie smirks, before replying.

"Deal bitch."

Chapter Text

Buck and Jamie spent the rest of the hour chatting. Sharing childhood trauma like it was a game of badminton. Going back and forth to see who had it worse.

"I'm telling you! It's true! I walked in, keep in mind I was only 9 at the time, a year after my mother died of cancer by the way." Buck rolls his eyes at the guys antics, to make it seem more traumatic.

"I walked in my room, to see my dad piling the little bit of clothes I had, onto my bed which was only a mattress on the ground, he had destroyed my entire room. Didn't take a moron to realize he was drunk off his ass. I could smell the liquor from outside the house. Anyways I ask him why he was ripping apart my room, and he looks me dead in the eye and goes. "I'm looking for your mother, I know she's in here somewhere. She wouldn't have up and left for no reason." Then I had to remind him that she died of cancer a year prior." Buck blinks in shock. Okay so he will admit that was pretty fucked up.

"Okay that was pretty fucked up. But not as fucked up as this. So I was around 13 at the time, and yes I know you were younger than me don't even make that face." Buck could see the look Jamie gave him out of the corner of his eyes. Quickly shutting him down.

"Anyways. I was about 13, my sister had just left, and my parents blamed me. Keep in mind, this kind of stuff happened daily for years, until I left home at the age of 23. So one day I got home from school, I had a test that I failed. Maddie usually helped me with stuff like that cause she was really smart, but obviously she couldn't, so that left me to try and do it alone. I could retain the information pretty well, it was just putting it out on paper that got me stuck for some reason. But I'm getting sidetracked. So I came home, they asked me about it, I had to tell them I failed and things got messy to say the least. They acted cool about at first, then my dad asked me to grab him a mug for him and make him some tea. My dad hates tea, so that was a dead give away that he was gonna do something. I was shaking so bad I accidentally dropped the mug and it broke. I started panicking, mumbling apologizes anything to help the situation, although I knew nothing would. Again he kept his calm exterior, he told me to grab the broom to clean it up." Jamie sighs in bordem.

"The only traumatic thing about that story, is that test you failed." Buck rolls his eyes, waving his hands as a way to tell him he wasn't done.

"Hang on there's more. So I go to grab the broom, and my dad steps in front of me. Reaching over, so close I could smell the toothpaste on his breath. He grabbed another mug and smashed it on the ground in front of me. Then he grabbed another and another, till the whole ground was covered in glass, and broken shards. He steps over it with shoes, but I was barefoot. He tells me to just "grab the broom Evan." But in order for me to reach the broom I'd have to walk on the glass." Jamie's eyes widened, now invested in the story.

"Did you do it?" Buck smiled and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.

"I didn't have a choice. I walked 3 feet barefoot, across broken shards of glass. At this point my feet are bloody, and I could tell I wouldn't be able to walk on them for much longer. But I grab the broom and go to walk back, but my feet are so bloody, I can't even see my feet. I began to feel weak eventually dropping to my knees, which were now covered in blood as well as my hands from trying to stop the fall." Jamie is now sitting sideways completely facing Buck, one hand on the arm of if the chair, his hand tucked beneath his chin.

"You made that seem really gory." Buck chuckles, thinking he's totally got Jamie hooked on his fucked up childhood.

"Yea well it kinda was."

"Okay well what happened next?"

"My father got mad, stood in front of my face, screaming at me that I was pathetic, and couldn't do anything right. Told me the reason my sister left was cause she didn't want to take care of my pathetic ass anymore. Eventually he grabbed me by the cuff of my shirt and pulled me to my feet, dragging me across the glass to get to my room, locked me in there for the rest of the day and night. Went to bed without dinner that night, which was kind of a relief. He woke me up at 6 in the morning the next day when he was on his way out to work and told me to clean the mess." Jamie gapes at Buck in disbelief.

"You're quite the story teller. But still not as fucked up as mine." Buck scoffs and shakes his head, turning sideways the same way Jamie was, carefully not to pull any tubes out, and leaving forward.

"Oh come on, mine was so much worse. At least your dad had the courtesy to leave, or at least gave you the chance to leave. I had to deal with that shit for like 20 years." Jamie shakes his head and smiles. They were well aware at how crazy they sounded. But if you can't bond over shared trauma what's the point in having friends?

"Well why didn't you leave? You could have gone with your sister." Buck rolls his eyes. So naive. He thought.

"She left with her husband at the time who was really abusive. She actually didn't even talk to me the entire time she was gone. She never picked up the phone anytime I tried to call her. But I was stubborn and never gave up. My parents wouldn't have let me anyways. They were desperate to keep me within arm's reach of them. Scared I was gonna do something reckless and get myself killed." Jamie furrows his eyes in confusion.

"Wait so if your parents didn't want you around, why wouldn't they let you leave? And why did they think you were gonna get yourself killed?" Buck sighs, his head starting to hurt suddenly. It was fun to talk about it for a while when he could joke about it, but he found if he talked about what happened to him for too long it would drain him.

"I'll tell you that another time. All I know is that when I asked my mom about it she said, she was using me, thought if I got hurt bad enough Maddie would come home. Which probably would have worked if she actually answered the phone." Jamie didn't ask anymore questions, sensing it was getting overwhelming for Buck. Jamie's time was almost up, so they decided to exchange phone numbers. Jamie would wait out in his car, while Buck finished up his appointment. Then he would follow Jamie behind to the cancer group.

Eventually Bucks appointment came to an end and he met up with Jamie at the centre the group would be held. After getting seated Buck noticed the table of soup, it was the only thing on it. Buck doesn't remember the last time he ate, his stomach now craving the liquid food. Buck remembers making all that soup cause he read it was really easy for people with cancer to keep down.

"You can grab some soup if you'd like! It's free reign for anyone who wants it." Bucks nods his head and walks over hesitantly, feeling kind of awkward eating food that wasn't his. Once he got the soup he did a test run. Taking a small sip, and waited a few seconds. Feeling no nausea, he took a bigger bite. Once he was in the clear he sat back down right as it started.

"Hi everyone, for those who are new. My name is Lisa, and I run this group. I'm a cancer survivor. I have been cancer free for 4 years on Sunday." Applauses echoed throughout the room. Eventually everyone around the room started introducing themselves. A few saying pass as they only wanted to listen during the session.

"My name is Millie, I'm 24 and I've had cancer for 8 months." Buck felt his eyes widen. 8 months? That sounds like hell. He doesn't want to do this for another 8 months.

"My mom has been really supportive, but I can tell it's getting really hard for her. To see me in pain like this. The only thing I can do is hope and pray I get better." Buck listens to everyone intently. Feeling a bit better about this whole cancer thing. Some of the people didn't have anyone they could talk to about it. Almost making Buck feel guilty about not telling everyone else. There are people out there who are completely alone in this, wishing they had at least one person to confide to about this, and here Buck was. He had a bunch of people he could tell, but chose not to.

"Hi, my name is Macy. I'm 22 and I've had cancer for almost 5 months. I don't really have anyone I can tell. Me and my siblings kind of lost touch after our parents died. My therapist thought it might be a good idea to come here. Said it might help me feel less alone." Buck felt himself tearing up. He didn't think he could feel so sad for a bunch of people he didn't even know, yet here he was. Listening to people tell their stories about their battle with cancer. Eventually it came to Jamie's turn.

"Hi I'm Jamie. I'm 28 and I've had cancer for almost 4 months now. My mother died of the same cancer I have when I was 8. My dad left not too long after that. So my aunt picked me up, and took me under her wing. I haven't told her yet, she just thinks I'm going to hang out with friends, which wouldn't be a total lie." Jamie smirks and looks towards Buck. He just smiles shyly and waves.

"I've been putting it off for a while, I guess cause I'm just terrified. I don't want to see the look in her eyes when I tell her I have the same disease that killed her sister." Lisa nodded in understanding.

"It can be really hard to tell family members, or anyone you know about stuff like this. It's not exactly easy to tell someone you love that your dying and they can't do anything about it. But you'll feel much better when you have support systems in your life. I didn't tell anyone about my cancer for almost 5 months after I got diagnosed. Trust me, it'll be worse if you put it off." Jamie nods, thinking about it. Which made it Buck's turn. Everyone looked towards him. His original plan was to just pass on his turn. The idea of telling a bunch of strangers something so personal, left him uneasy. But after hearing everyone else talk about their battle with it, he found it a little easier to get the words out. So for the first time since he was diagnosed, he says the words out loud.

"Hi, I'm Buck. I'm 29 and I've had cancer for about 2 months I think, although I've only known for almost a month." There it was. The words were out. And Buck felt like he could breathe a little louder. Jamie looked at him with pride, glad he was gonna talk.

"I uh. I've never actually said it out loud before. Guess it's been kinda hard to accept it more than I'd like to admit." Buck still felt kind of awkward, so Lisa gave him the push he needed.

"Trust me, anyone with cancer has been where you are. Have you told anyone about your diagnosis?" Buck sighs fiddling with the ring on his pinky. He looks towards the wall on his right. Another picture of a blue tulip sitting on the wall, which he thought was weird.

"Not exactly. The only family I really had growing up was my sister. But then she left, and we didn't speak for like 3 years. She's only been in my life again for about a year. I did have another family. I'm uh, a-a firefighter. I work with the 118. They were like my family. Well I thought. It's kind of confusing. Long story short, I was out on a call one day, and the firetruck I was in blew up, and landed on top of my leg. Almost lost it completely. Almost died. Worked for 6 months through hours and hours of physical therapy to get my job back, had a pulmonary embolism instead, almost died again, got put on blood thinners, my captain still wouldn't give me my job back, even though I had already been cleared, so I quit, then I got stuck in a tsunami with my best friend's 8 year old son, nearly died again, saved a bunch of people during the tsunami, proving I could still do my job even on blood thinners, but he still wouldn't let me back so I decided to sue them and the department, so I could get back to the only family I ever had, then they got mad at me, and stopped talking to me all together, won the law-suit, got back to work but then they were still pissed, got diagnosed with cancer, but I haven't been able to tell them, cause anytime I try to talk to them it ends in a big fight, with one or both of us yelling." By the time Buck was done, he was clinging to the air around him like his life depended on it. Feeling light headed having said all of that in nearly one breath. Everyone looked at him like he was crazy. Not that he could blame them. Once he felt like he could breathe enough, he nodded his awkwardly, wishing he just said pass.

"If that was the short story, imagine how long the long version would be." He heard someone say, looking over realizing it was Macy.

"Well... Um, that's a lot. Usually I'd say no matter what you feel, someone else has probably felt it too, you know to make them feel less alone, but.... Well I'm not quite sure that applies here. So let me ask you a question." Buck nods his head, trying to avoid everyone else's gaze.

"If they you got the chance to tell them without it turning into an argument, would you do it?" Buck already knows the answer to that.

"Probably not to be honest. I just don't want to tell them cause I know they'll feel guilty, and forgive me or something stupid like that." Lisa's confusion is clear to Buck and he's well aware of how ridiculous that sounds.

"I thought that's what you wanted?"

"Yea of course I want them to forgive me. I'd give anything for things to go back to the way they were before the stupid law-suit. But I want them to forgive me on their terms, because they want to, not because they feel guilty, and think they have to so that if I die they don't have any regrets. It's just all very overwhelming. I wasn't even gonna talk to today, but I guess I just can't help, but make things about me." Jamie wants to punch out whoever made him think that. If it was a group of people he's pretty sure a bunch of the people here would more than likely be willing to help out as well.

"You think your being selfish if you talk about your cancer?" Buck shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.

"Well aren't I? I mean yea I have cancer but so do a lot of people."

"Just because a lot of people have cancer, doesn't mean yours is any less important. That's why we have these groups, so people can talk about it without feeling shame or guilt. That's the whole point of this, so if you feel like you wanna talk about it then you do that. Speaking from experience, if you keep something like this inside, it'll only destroy you." After that everyone goes around the circle sharing their experiences. Eventually it comes to an end, some people staying a bit after to get some more food. Buck figures he should probably have another bowl, the hunger finally setting in. Not realizing how hungry he was until he had that first bowl. While he's getting a second bowl, he felt someone tap on his shoulder, catching his and Jamie's attention who was right next to him.

"Hi, I'm Mason, I know you don't really know me, but I remember you saying you were a firefighter right?" Buck looks confused for a moment wondering why the guy was bringing it up, but nods his head politely anyways.

"Uh yea, with the 118." Mason smiles and hugs him. Buck stumbles back in shock, turning his head to look at Jamie, dumbfounded at the gesture. He just shrugs his shoulders, just as flabbergasted as Buck was. Finally stepping back realizing how weird it must of been for Buck.

"Sorry, that was probably really random for you it's just.... I think you saved my sister during the tsunami. She said she was alone and drowning before someone saved her, a firefighter from the 118, they were stuck up on this ladder truck for hours, that was you right?" Buck was shocked. He doesn't remember much that day, he saved a lot of people it was hard to picture who he was talking about. They mainly showed up in his nightmares, but by the time he wakes up the images are gone.

"Uh, yea I think so. I don't really remember anyone individually, there were a lot of people on that truck."

"She had dark long hair, with freckles, about 5'3?" Buck tries to remember, thinking for a few moments before nodding his head. The first girl he saved. He had tied the hose to the tree so the current wouldn't pull her past him.

"Yea, I remember. She was the first one I saved." The guy known as Mason had to hold himself back from hugging Buck again.

"I just wanted to say thank you! You saved her life that day. I don't know what I would do without her." Before Buck has a chance to respond Mason walks away. Shaking Buck out of his thoughts, Jamie puts a hand on his shoulder, standing in his front veiw.

"Still feeling useless?" Buck smiles and shakes his head, playfully shoving Jamie's hand off his shoulder, and turning away. For the first time in months, Buck didn't feel useless. Almost glad he was in the tsunami.

Chapter Text

Buck and Jamie had made a plan. Since the B team wasn't allowed to leave until the A team got there, they were eventually gonna cross paths. So they had decided that Jamie was gonna come by the firehouse to pick Buck up. Leaving the A team to run into Jamie. Buck was kind of nervous if he's being honest with himself. He hadn't really spoken to anyone since the fight he has with Chimney. Hen had thought about reaching out, but decided against it.

Jamie came by before the end of shift. Buck was just finishing cleaning the rig when he walked in.

"Hey man!" Buck turned around and smiled, greeting his friend. Everyone turned to look confusion clear on their faces, but Buck didn't pay attention to them. Putting the rag down, he met Jamie half way to give him a hug.

"Hey! Glad you could make it! Let me give you a little tour. We're probably not gonna get another call since shift ends in a few minutes. The others will be here soon and then we can head out." Just as Buck finished the tour, the kitchen being the last place he showed him, the rest of the 118 started showing up. First it was Bobby. Freezing in the middle of the kitchen as he stared at the two. He raises his eyebrows at Buck, walking around him to start a pot of coffee.

"Who's your friend?" Buck shrugs nonchalantly as Jamie tried to hide his smile.

"Just someone I met recently, not that it's any of your business." Bobby scoffs before turning around and narrowing his eyebrows towards the pair.

"This is my firehouse. I think it is very much my business who comes and goes." Buck takes a step closer towards his captain, not backing down.

"Well I just figured you didn't care about what goes on in my life anymore. Unless you do?" Before Bobby could respond, Eddie walks up the stairs, coming to a complete stop in front of Jamie, before looking past him to see Buck. He nods his head towards Jamie as he speaks.

"Who's this?" Buck walks up behind Jamie and puts his hand on his shoulder, smiling in a passive aggressive way that Eddie definitely didn't miss.

"This is Jamie. I met him a few weeks ago." Eddie rolls his eyes, and walks past them, eyes lingering on Jamie for longer than necessary.

"Oh you have friends now? We'll see how long that lasts, before you screw up again." And before Buck can stop himself, he spits out words he wishes Jamie won't hate him for.

"Who said he was just my friend?" He feels Jamie tense for a moment, before he feels Jamie's hand slip into his, looking over to smile at him. Buck looks back to Eddie to see him freeze for just a moment. Lingering his gaze on Jamie before speaking up again.

"So you guys are like, dating?" By this time Hen and Chim had made it up the stairs, confused at who this random person was in their kitchen.

"That doesn't really concern you. Besides he was just here to pick me up. We're going out so we thought it was easier for him to just pick me up from here. Now if you'll excuse us, we'll be going." Leaving the rest speechless, they both walk out of the station. Once they get in the car, Buck breaks the silence.

"Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I hadn't really planned to say that, it just sort of came out." Jamie just waves a hand and smiles.

"It's fine I didn't mind. It was so worth it to see the look on his face. Just out of curiosity though. Why did you say that?" Jamie starts the car, and makes his way out of the parking lot.

"I don't know I guess I just I wanted to make him jealous." Jamie nods his head, taking a left turn out into the road. Buck wasn't lying they really did have a plan to hang out afterwards.

"Right, because you love him." If Buck had water in his mouth he'd would have spit it out.

"What? I- I don't love Eddie. I was making everyone jealous. That was the plan right?" The blonde snorts, not believing a word Buck was saying.

"Right you told them we were dating so you could make your captain jealous?" Buck scoffs, yet nothing else came out. He didn't really know what he was saying until he said it. Looking out the window as they pass the same grocery store, they all faught in just over month ago.

"Shut up." Jamie just smiles, but doesn't say anything else. Buck can't help but enjoy the silence, as his head had started to hurt again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been two weeks since Jamie had first came to the firehouse. He had come everytime Buck had a shift. At first it was just to make everyone jealous. Especially Eddie. It had worked better than Buck thought it would. Anytime they crossed paths, Buck would catch Eddie staring daggers at Jamie. Jamie said he didn't mind. He even thought it was funny. But eventually Buck brought him around cause he liked his company. Driving Buck back to his loft at the end of the day. They became closer as time went on.

More rounds of chemo not only made Buck look more sick, but it made him feel more sick. Barely being able to keep down soup anymore. He felt more weak. He could tell everyone at the station noticed his lack of energy. Not being able to do as much physical work as he used to. Still he didn't say a word to anyone. He kept at it with the group, accompanying Jamie everytime he went. It surprised Buck at how much it actually helped him.

Someone from the A team had gotten sick which means Buck had to take a shift with them when he was done chemo on Friday. That phone call with Bobby being less than pleasant. He knew it was probably a bad idea to go to work, right after being injected with poison, but he didn't have a choice. Jamie didn't like it much either.

"That's a horrible idea." Buck rolls his eyes. Hearing the same thing over and over for the past 20 minutes.

"I don't really have much of a choice." Jamie waves his hands in the air, using them to communicate. Something Buck noticed he did a lot.

"Yes you do. You could tell them you have cancer, and that you won't be able to make it." Buck shakes his head, tired of having this same conversation.

"You know I can't do that."

"Why not? You've put it off long enough. I told my aunt a week ago, and you still haven't told anyone. Remember the promise?" That was true. Jamie had told his aunt, immediately calling Buck afterwards to tell him. She was crushed obviously, but promised she'd be there for him every step of the way.

"Yea well you've been sick longer than me. I still got a another month before I'm caught up with you." Jamie sighs in annoyance. He really underestimated how stubborn Buck was.

"Buck, I understand that it'll be hard. But I really think it could be good for you-" Buck slams his hands down on the arms of the chair angrily, before raising his voice.

"I said no Jamie so just drop it." Buck had been lashing out a lot lately. He hated that he was losing control. Before Buck could apologize Jamie stops him.

"I know you're about to apologize, but don't. You don't need to be sorry for having cancer." Buck takes a deep breath, trying not to let the words get to him. He really didn't deserve Jamie. Well he did. But Buck could never think that. Instead he focuses on the blue tulip painting on the wall next to him. It somehow calms him. After a few moments he questions it.

"Why the tulip?" Jamie looks over startled, not expecting Buck to talk again. He looks over to where Buck is looking and smiles softly.

"They have it at the group as well." Buck continues.

"The vibrant color helps calm the mind. Kind of a party trick for people with cancer or anxiety even. It's also kind of a way to tell if your getting better or not." Buck's eyebrows furrow down. He takes a glance at Jamie before looking back at the flower.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's common for people with cancer to have memory problems. Especially brain cancer. You start to lose sense of words and objects. If you can trick your mind into thinking of tulips all the time, you'll know when you're getting closer to the end, cause then you won't remember why it was so important. Some people even forget what it is." This brings Buck a sense of comfort yet fear. Could he really forget something as simple as a tulip?

"Once you forget the meaning, you know your near the end. Not much can bring you back from that." Buck hopes that won't happen. He hopes the chemo works and that he'll be back to doing what he loves in no time.

The rest of the session is quiet. Wasting away the hour, eyes glued to the blue tulip. Jamie was done 15 minutes before Buck was as usual. They say goodbye before Buck is alone once again. Well not completely alone, there's still other patients in the room, he just never bothered talking to them. Once he's done he walks to his car. Everything was fine. One minute his car was in front of him and the next, his vision flickered. Dimming around the edges of his sight. He stops moving, grabbing into the car for support. His head feeling like it was swelled up against his skull. He gasps out, not from the lack of air, but from the pain. It hit him like a bullet train. He didn't see it coming. After about a minute, his head eased up. Feeling like it was back to its normal size. His vision cleared up as well. Finally being able to see his car in front of him. He could see the black ring that sat around his pinky again.

Quickly getting in his car, he took a breather. Buck hadn't really had any other symptoms of the cancer, besides the weakness, nausea, and being light headed. He tries to calm his breathing. The picture of the blue tulip coming to his mind. Helping to slow his heart rate. He pictured the vibrant blue, the way the green coloured in the stem perfectly. The brown soil, soaking up the beauty. The color seemed familiar. Buck quickly figured out who it reminded him of. Those brown eyes looking into his. The same brown eyes he wished were here with him now. The brown eyes that belonged to the most important person in his life besides Maddie. The person who said he would always have his back. The person who told him that he, out of all the people in the world was the one he trusted the most. His brown eyes. Though they weren't really his. Not anymore. Finally letting the overwhelming pain of missing Eddie flood through him. Sobs fill his chest, as he no longer holds back. He doesn't try to wipe them anymore. He lets them fall, knowing he would probably never look at those brown eyes the same. Finally after a long 5 minutes of crying, he screams. Hitting his hands against the steering wheel, before going completely numb. His mind shutting down, as he stares forward. Knowing he would never look at that blue tulip the same.

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When he gets back to his loft, he texts Jamie to let him know he made it home. Slightly cursing himself as he realizes he has work in an hour and a half. Quickly reheating some soup, he's only able to keep half of it down, which wasn't the greatest but he's not going to complain. He changes out of his cancer clothes as he likes to call them before heading for the door, stopping at the convenient store on the way to pick up an energy drink. He's gonna need some if he's gonna make it through today's shift. As he's looking at the drinks, he hears someone call his name. He looks up startled, to see Karen smiling at him.

"Oh uh. Hey Karen." She notices Buck looking around, figuring he was probably looking to see if Hen was around.

"Hen's not here. She's at work."

"Yea I know, I'm actually on my way there now." Karen looks shocked. She's well aware that him and the 118 haven't exactly been on speaking terms.

"Your back on the A shift with them?"

"Only for today. They needed someone to fill in. But I needed some energy if I'm make it though the whole shift. Hence the energy drink." He holds it up to show it to Karen. She nods, though her eyes held something else.

"How are you doing? You look exhausted."

"Yea no I'm good. I just uh, haven't been sleeping that well. But it's fine. I'll manage." There's a few awkward seconds where no one speaks anything, before Karen breaks the silence.

"Well, I know you don't really talk with anyone else from the 118 that much anymore, but I'm here if you wanna talk." She places a comforting hand on his shoulder before she walks past him. Only making it a few steps before Buck blurts out what he's been keeping from everyone else for a month.

"I have cancer."

Chapter Text

Buck holds his breath as Karen freezes. He closes his eyes, almost wishing he took it back. But when she comes to stand back in front of him he feels a hand on his shoulder, causing him to slowly peel his eyes open. There's no judgement. She didn't look mad or upset. And for a moment she didn't say anything. Neither did he. It's become unbearable for Buck. He needs her to say something.

"Okay the silence is killing me can you just-" he cuts himself off as arms are thrown around him. After a moment he hesitantly hugged her back. This is the first time someone's hugged him like that in months, he has to will the tears that welled up in his eyes to to away.

"I figured something was up, I just didn't expect it to be that." Buck could hear the crack in her voice. He kinda wish Jamie told him telling someone you had cancer would be so emotional.

"Don't cry. If you cry then I'll cry." They both laugh it off, and finally after a few minutes of hugging, and probably looking crazy to onlookers, they pull back from the hug.

"If I would have known you'd act like this I would have told you sooner." Karen laughs and wipes the few tears that had managed to slip through.

"Have you told anyone else?"

"No. The only other person who knows is Jamie, he's a friend I made at my first chemo appointment. And the people at the cancer group I go to." Karen looks surprised. The Buck she's seeing now isn't the same Buck she knew all those months ago.

"I mean I heard about Jamie, Hen wasn't too pleased to find out you moved on so fast. But you're going to a group for cancer patients?" Buck smiles and nods his head slightly.

"Yea, Jamie convinced me to go one day after one of our chemo appointments, and I just kept on going. I was supposed to go today after I was done but I got called in to work so I couldn't go." Karen raises a hand to slap Buck on the arm. He steps back in shock.

"Um okay, that hurt." Karen just rolls her eyes.

"Why did you pick up a shift right after chemo appointment?" Buck shrugs, all of the sudden timid at the idea of Karen being upset with him.

"Because if I didn't go in, then they'd know something was wrong. I mean the whole point of the law-suit was so I could work again."

"You can not catch a break can you? I just want you to be careful. What if something happens while your on the job. You can't keep this from them forever." Buck sighs, and turns his head to the side, twisting the same black ring around his finger, anytime he's anxious.

"I know it's dangerous. But I'm kinda hoping the Chemo will cure me and I won't have to tell them at all." Karen narrows her eyebrows, not impressed by Buck's ability to avoid very serious situations.

"And here I thought you were finally being healthy by going to groups, but your still running away." Buck shakes his head, getting more overwhelmed as the seconds go on.

"I'm not running from anything."

"Okay, then why haven't you told anyone else?" Buck sighs, not wanting to have the same conversation over and over again.

"Because they need to forgive me on their own terms, not because I'm dying."

"That's not the real reason and you know it." Buck crosses his arms over his chest, starting to get defensive. He doesn't want to say something stupid and lash out like he's been doing lately.

"Yes it is." Karen softens her gaze, placing a hand on Bucks shoulder once again, before speaking calmly.

"You wanna know what I think?" Buck didn't say anything, so she took that as a sign to continue.

"I think you don't want to tell them cause you think they'll forgive you, and you don't want that cause you don't think you deserve to be forgiven. And not only that. But you wouldn't be able to forgive them either." Buck stays silent. Deep down he knew she was right. No matter how many strangers told him, he did the right thing. He still couldn't forgive himself for what he did. For ruining one of the only good things in his life. For fucking everything up like he always does. He wasn't ready to admit that either. So he opted for the more known choice. Avoiding it completely.

"I have to go. I'm gonna be late for work. Just please don't tell anyone yet." Karen nods her head, squeezing his shoulder before letting her arm drop to her side.

"Okay. But I meant what I said. You have my number. Call me if you want to talk. Hen rambles a lot, being a paramedic and all, and I pick some of it up." It gets Buck to chuckle just a little bit. Saying he'd call her if he needed her, he pays for his drink and leaves.

Walking into the station knowing he was gonna have to work with his old family was more unsettling than he would like to admit. He tried to push it down on the way over. Telling himself he was just being dramatic. He finds himself missing the time when it wasn't awkward being around them.

Buck gets out of his car, steadying his balance once he's out. Letting the dizziness wash away before walking the rest of the way in. He walks into the locker room, praying Bobby gave everyone a heads up before he got there. He guesses he had since no one looks surprised when he walks into the room. More annoyed than anything. No one says a word as Buck makes his way to his locker, that unfortunately was right next to Eddie. He slightly curses himself for being so close to him before everything went down. Eddie looks around, keeping his face neutral, before speaking up.

"No Jackson today?" Buck looks over startled, before rolling his eyes at the wrong name.

"You know that's not his name."

"Right sorry, Jordan right?" Before Buck can say anymore Bobby walks in the room, his gaze hardening significantly as his eyes lay on Buck.

"Alright let's get to it. The rig won't wash itself. No slacking today. There's supposed to be a big storm later tonight, so prepare yourselves now." The captain walks out before anyone can say anything else.

The storm progressed as the day went on. The winds so bad, Buck doesn't think he's ever had to deal with so many car accidents in one day. By the time dinner rolls around, the 118 are sat at the table. Minus Buck of course. He wonders if anything will ever get back to normal. Then he thinks back to his meeting with Karen. He knows she was right. If he tells them, he'll know they'll feel guilty and forgive him. But he doesn't want them to forgive him, one, because he doesn't think he deserves it. And two, because he can't bring himself to forgive them, for his they've treated him these past few months. Which would just make him feel worse cause he knows the guilt will eat them alive. He kind of hopes the cancer is wors le by then so he won't care about that. Shaking him out of this thoughts, he hears a voice he hasn't heard in over a month.

"Hey Buck." He turns around from his position on the couch to see Maddie facing him, with a timid smile. He's been avoiding her since their fight. She tried to give him space at first, but for the last few weeks she's been trying to get in contact with him. He never answers though. Think of it as payback for all the times he called her when he was living out of his car, and she went radio silent.

"What are you doing here Maddie?" He turns back around, not being able to look at her any longer.

"I've been trying to call you for weeks." Maddie says quietly. Buck doesn't falter though. In a way he's kinda greatful for his cancer in moments like these. If it wasn't for that, Buck would have given in weeks ago.

"Did I ever answer you?" Maddie takes a step forward, going to stand in front of her brother, almost tearing up at how different he looked from the last time she saw him. He lost so much weight. His skin was pale, and the bags under his eyes could be seen miles away.

"Uh. No?"

"Was that not a big enough hint that I didn't want to talk to you then?" Maddie sighs at her brother's passive aggressive tone.

"I was just worried."

"Why? Scared I was gonna go all 'Buck' again and do something stupid and reckless? Don't worry I didn't. I'm fine." It's Maddie's turn to scoff this time.

"Are you? I mean look at you, your skinny and pale, it looks like you haven't eaten for days. What's going on with you?" Buck stands up going to walk away. Not bothering to answer. He doesn't look at anyone as he walks by the table towards the stairs.

"Come on Buck, just talk to me." Buck recalls him saying the same thing to Eddie all those weeks ago. It didn't end well, and he had a feeling that if Maddie didn't stop pushing, this wouldn't either.

"I don't know what you want me to say Maddie. You want me to forgive you? Comfort you and tell you that I'm sorry for ignoring you for a month? I can't do that. Maybe the old Buck would but not this version. Think of it as Buck 3.0. This version of me doesn't take anyone's bullshit." Maddie gasps, and Chimney stands up, going to stand beside his girlfriend.

"What's your problem man? What makes you think you can talk to her like that?" Buck steps forward, annoyed that Chimney has to involve himself in every conversation he has with his sister.

"This is a family matter Howard so you can back off." The shock washes off Chims face real quick at his real name, before getting up in Bucks face. The others standing up real quick, monitoring the two just in case things got physical.

"I'm Maddie's girlfriend which makes her business my business." Buck scoffs and shakes his head at his former friends words.

"This isn't just her business, it's mine too, which you made pretty clear months ago, you wanted nothing to do with. So sit down, and stop meddling in my life. I don't need you in it, and don't I want you in it." Chimney takes another step closer, the two close enough to throw a punch, if one fit pissed off enough.

"That's rich coming from you. What happened to a few weeks ago, when you claimed you filed the law-suit to get back to us. You clearly wanted me in your life then. What? Did you just change your whole personality in 3 weeks?" Buck pauses. Almost blurting out the secret he had told Karen earlier this morning.

"Maybe I have? Not that you would know, cause you weren't even there!"

"God you really are a piece of work Evan." Buck feels the words echo through his ears. The more times he heard it, the further away it got. The feeling of his brain swelling up surfaced again, the edges of his vision starting to darken. The lighting flickered, and it took him a moment to realize it was just his sight going in and out. He could faintly hear someone ask him if he was okay. He figures it was probably Maddie. Her being the only one who cared. He could feel blood drip from his nose onto his shoe, the echo slowly morphing into his father's voice, right before everything went dark.

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"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I can fix it I swear!" Evan rushed out. Paranoid his dad would hurt him again like last time.

"For a fourteen year old, you do sure screw everything up." Evan looked to his bike that was in pieces on the ground in their driveway. He crashed it into the back of his parents car as they were backing out of the driveway. It was an accident. But his dad didn't see it that way. Nor did his mother.

"You're so stupid Evan. How could you not see us backing out? You must need glasses cause how could you be so blind." Evan cradles his hand, the pain starting to spread to his arm.

"I-I'm sorry. I'll fix it!"

"You can't fix this! This is all your fault. You can't even do the one thing you were brought on this earth to do, and now we have to live with the price of an idiot for a son. God you really are a piece of work Evan."

Evan hadn't thought too much of it. Frantically trying to convince his parents he could fix it, only to get punished again. They locked him in his room with no dinner that night, and forced him to write out 'It's all my fault. I deserve this" over and over and over again on 10 different pieces of paper, with his injured hand. Front and back. It took almost all night to finish. His dad knocked on the door the next morning, yelling through the wood.

"Evan get up!" Evan sat in silence. Fear consuming him, as he tried to calm his breathing.

"Buck!" Evan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Buck? He hadn't heard that name before.

"Buck open your eyes!" He could feel pressure on his cheek, reaching up to touch it, before blackness took over once again.

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Just like before, he could feel before he could hear or see. After a few seconds he blinks his eyes open, coming face to face, with a really worried Bobby. Panic set in as he realized what happened. Quickly trying to stand up, but having hands all around him stop his movements.

"Woah Woah Woah, hold on. Don't try to stand up yet. You just passed out." Buck looks around to see everyone crowded around him. Maddie and Hen looked worried. Chim, looked confused. And Eddie. Buck couldn't tell what was going through his head. Keeping his expression neutral, but not taking his eyes off Buck.

"Has this happened before?" It was Hen's voice that Buck heard first, suddenly feeling really uncomfortable with all of them looking at him.

"I'm awake now. You don't need to pretend you care." Hen rolled her eyes at Bucks stubbornness.

"Your nose was bleeding Buck. We should get you to the hospital to get checked out." Buck pushed everyone's hands off of him in an instant, standing up in a haze. Quickly balancing himself before speaking up.

"I don't need to go to the hospital, I'm fine. See? Look I'm standing." Before anyone else could intervene, Buck looks to Maddie.

"Thanks for stopping by, but you should go."

"What? No Buck-" He doesn't let her finish, walking towards the stairs, and carefully walks down to the main level. It was way colder down there, the chaotic winds picking up by the second. The rest of the 118 followed him down, trying their best to keep up.

"Buck will you just stop for a minute. We need to talk about this." Buck stops in front of the entrance, her car clear in sight.

"Not right now we don't, I'm at work. Look I'll walk you to your car. Have a good nig-" Buck doesn't have time to finish his sentence, as he's cut off by a loud noise. He turns around to see that a tree had fallen on Maddie's car. Her car alarm going off, as they all stared into the storm. The heavy rain, moving inside to where they all stood.

"Sorry Buck, but it looks like no one is going anywhere. I just got a call, we're going off line until the storm passes, cause it's about to get way worse." Before anyone could question, they all heard alarms going off in the distant. It sounded like the alarm that went off during the tsunami. Buck sighs and closes his eyes, turning to face Bobby.

"That sounds serious. It's not just a storm is it?" Bobby shakes his head, looking out into the open, as funnel clouds started to form.

"No it's not. It's a hurricane."

Chapter Text

Everyone was moving fast, Bobby had shut down the firehouse, closing the front doors. Right before it closed all the way a tree branch flew from underneath, heading straight for Buck. Before he could react he heard someone yell his name. Telling him to look out. Next thing he knew, someone was tackling him to the ground, stealing the air from his lungs for a moment, at the sudden impact. He hadn't realised he shut his eyes until he opened them, looking up to meet Eddie's face. Before he could say anything though, Eddie was pulling him to his feet.

"You good?" Buck didn't have time to respond, didn't even look away from him as the windows shattered from above, leaving Bobby barking orders.

"Everybody to the bunk room! Take cover, and watch out for the glass!" Bobby yells over the wind, surprisingly still being able to hear it. They run towards the bunk room, dodging out of the way of flying glass, only getting scratched a few times before they made it safely. Buck sat down next to Eddie, out of breath from the running. After he takes a moment to breathe, he looks around the room. The whole 118, jammed in the medium sized room. After everyone had gotten in the room, some of the people grabbed the beds, and moved them up against one wall, taking the sheets off of the beds and tossing them to the other people to put over their heads so they didn't get covered in glass.

Half an hour into storm

Everyone was calmer now, no longer too concerned the storm outside was going to affect them. It was silent for the most part. But Buck's mind was anything but silent. So many thoughts ran through his head. 'Why did Eddie push me out of the way?' 'Didn't he hate me?' He doesn't want to risk a glance at Eddie, scared he'd be looking at him too. He just keeps replaying it over and over in his head. Rewinding every movement, every touch, the concern on Eddie's face when they caught each other's gaze. He remembers the breath he held. And when he finally let it go. He could feel Eddie's own breath against his neck. He hadn't been that close to Eddie in months. He found himself craving his touch. He tried so hard to push the feeling of missing Eddie so far down he'd never be able to find it again, just because he was angry. But now, after what happened, he found himself right back where he started all those months ago.

He misses Eddie. More than he'd like to admit. He misses Eddie's laugh, his smile, his brown eyes that reminded him of the blue tulip in the chemo room. He misses his voice. Not the voice when Eddie was, angry or disappointed in him. But the light airy voice, whenever Buck spit out another random fact that no one really had any use for. He misses the way Eddie would stare at him when he was telling him a story, listening intently like he was actually interested in what he had to say. He misses the random jokes Eddie used to make, that he most definitely learned from Christopher. God did he miss Christopher too. He hasn't seen the kid in months. He thought about going over there so many times just to see Chris, but he figured Eddie probably wouldn't like him showing up unannounced. But boy did he want to.

1 hour into the storm

It takes a other half an hour for Buck to finally sneak a glance at Eddie. His face was focused. Buck had seen that look many times. It's the look he always got when he was in his head. Looking away from Eddie, Buck fiddles with the ring on his pinky. The wind still loud, it must have clouded his judgement. That's the only reason he can come up with, for actually speaking up.

"Why did you do it?" His voice was quiet over the wind. If Eddie wasn't next to him he wouldn't be able to hear. Eddie looks over startled. Before he puts up the same walls Buck hates with every viber in his body.

"What do you mean?" Buck sighs at his stubbornness. Thought he'd be a hypocrite if he said it annoyed him.

"You know what I mean Eddie." His voice is soft, but dry. He feels Eddie shift uncomfortably beside him. It's a while before Eddie speaks. Buck almost thought he wasn't gonna say anything at all.

"I don't hate you Buck." His voice equally as soft. Like he was scared the others would hear and all hell would break loose.

"Just because I'm mad at you right now, doesn't mean I want you to get trampled to death by a tree." Buck snorts. This is the most normal it's been between him and anyone from the 118 in a long time.

"Technically it was only the branch. So not as pathetic." It's another few minutes before Buck speaks up again.

"It's nice to not feel awkward around you." Eddie doesn't quite know what to say to that. But before he can even think of a response, Buck continues.

"But we both know it won't last." Eddie turns his head to face Buck, his nose almost touching his cheek. He feels conflicted. He misses Buck more than anything, but anytime he thinks about forgiving him, that longing feeling turns into anger. He just can't seem to let go of the rage.

"Why not?" Buck looks over, holding his breath, just like he did earlier as he wasn't expecting Eddie to already be looking. Buck swallows down the words he really wanted to say, before he looks away.

"Because. The only reason either of us has spoken a single word is because we all might die in here. But once this is all over, we'll realize how dramatic we're being, and we'll go back to being mad at each other. And only speaking work terms." Eddie knows he's right. Buck is always right. Eddie wants to fight back. He wants to tell Buck that after this is all over he'll realize how stupid he's been for ignoring him. How wrong he was for all the words he said. But Eddie often wore anger with pride. So as Buck had done before, he swallows the words he really wanted to say. Turning his head to look forward once again.

"Yea you're probably right."

3 hours into the storm

Three hours in the power goes out. The wind is still loud and clear, but it's getting colder. The broken windows allowing all the wind and cold air to enter the bunk room. Buck felt more weak as the time went on. The cold air wasn't helping. He's pretty sure it made it worse. He could feel his heart rate slow down. But he forced himself to think of the blue tulip. Trying to trick himself into believing that if he still remembered the blue tulip, he'd be okay.

Buck and Eddie haven't spoken since their last conversation. They didn't look at each other. To an outsider they probably looked like strangers. Which is how Buck often felt around the 118. But unfortunately Buck didn't have the luxury to forget everything they'd been through. Unfortunately like actual strangers, they still had all the memories. Which made it 10 times worse.

Chim had looked over a few times. Seemingly looking for a fight. The next time he glanced over Bucks eyes were closed. But before he had a chance to worry he might be dead, he saw his chest move up and down, an indicator that he was just sleeping. He turned to look at Maddie who was right next to him.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Maddie just leans her head on her boyfriend's shoulder and sighs.

"I'm worried about Buck."

"Why? He was being rude to you."

"Didn't you see him pass out for no reason just a few hours ago? His nose was bleeding as well. That doesn't just happen for no reason." Chimney understands, but he can't bring himself to care that much.

"He said he didn't want to go to the hospital, so there's nothing you can do. You can't force him." They both look over to see Buck waking up. He rubs the sleep away from his eyes. Leave it to Buck to fall asleep during a hurricane. Although the cancer probably helped with that.

5 hours into the storm

Buck kept nodding off, but everytime he closed his eyes he would see the same thing. The same memory he saw earlier when he passed out. The more the thought about it the more he wondered what his mom meant when she said he couldn't do the one thing he was brought on this earth to do. For the next half hour, that was all he could think. He wonders if Maddie would know what it meant. Probably not, he thinks. She wasn't even there when their mother said it. He looks over to Maddie, to see her looking at him. Before he could really think about it and change his mind, he starts to crawl over to Maddie. Passing by Eddie, Hen and Bobby. Maddie sat next to Bobby while Chim sat on the end.

"Move over Chim, this doesn't concern you." The man scoffs, but Buck doesn't have the patience to hear him right now.

"I don't have the patience to hear you exhale right now Chim just move over."

"It's okay Hun just do what he says." With one last glare at Buck Chimney moves over, leaving Buck to sit in between them.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Buck waves her off. He didn't come over here to chit chat.

"I'm fine. Listen I have a question." Maddie nods her head, telling him to continue.

"When I passed out before the whole, hurricane mess." Buck waves his hands in the air as a way to imitate the natural disaster they were currently in.

"I saw this memory. It was after you left, and the actual memory doesn't really matter, but mom said something that I just can't seem to get out of my head." Maddie furrows her eyebrows in confusion. Though anxiety follows soon after, as she realizes what this might be about.

"What did she say?" Buck takes a deep breath before answering.

"She said 'You can't even do the one thing you were brought on this earth to do' and it's been stuck in my head ever since. I never really thought about it at the time, but the more I think about it, the more confused I get. Do you know what she meant by that?" Maddie closes her eyes and looks away. She knew the day would come where she would have to tell him. But that didn't make it any easier.

"You need to tell him Maddie." Chim spoke up from beside Buck leaving him confused.

"Tell me what?" Maddie tries to take Bucks hand in hers, but he rips it away. Not standing down until she tells him the truth.

"We...... We had a brother. His name was Daniel." Buck feels the color drain from his face as the truth comes out.

"What? That- that doesn't even make any sense. If we had a brother, mom and dad would have told me. Or-or at least you would have." Maddie sighs, the tears in her eyes drying almost immediately from the wind.

"Buck, please don't make me feel even more guilty than I already do." This makes Buck break. Rage consumes his entire body as soon as the words leave her mouth.

"No I'm going to. How could you not tell me I had a brother Maddie?" This caught the attention of others. His voice yelling over the wind, not even caring if the others heard him.

"I'm sorry Buck-"

"Oh you're sorry? That fixes everything then. It's almost like you didn't lie to me my entire life. I- I mean you had so many chances to tell me and you didn't. Why Maddie?" Finally Maddie gets defensive as well, no longer cowering, but sitting up straight against the wall.

"Because I didn't want you to feel bad for failing." Buck feels that all he does lately is lose his breath. Because here he is again, trying to figure out where it ran off to.

"What? What's that supposed to mean?" Maddie sighs, though it goes unheard against the wind.

"Daniel died. He had leukemia. He needed a bone marrow transplant, but mom and dad weren't a match.... And neither was I." Buck didn't think he could lose anymore color from his body, but he stands corrected. Now it explains how he got cancer. Clearly it runs in the family. Everything moved so much slower now. It was like Bucks words were trying to catch up to his brain.

"He- he had cancer? And Mom and Dad.... They-they had me to save him.... But obviously he's not here which means it didn't work. I failed." Everyone else didn't hear the last thing Buck said. All they knew was that Buck had a brother who died. After a few moments of silence, with Buck running around in his head trying to make sense of it all, he starts to move. Trying to go back to where he was sitting before.

"Buck, her parents name her keep it a secret. It wasn't her fault-" But Buck cuts him off, not even close to ready to hear the excuses. Nothing could excuse this.

"Don't even get me started on you Chim. What? She didn't have the courtesy to tell her own brother, but she had no problem telling her boyfriend." Maddie feels horrible, but that won't make up for all the years she lied to him. He doesn't think she can ever make up for it.

"Evan please don't go." She tries to reach out to grab his arm, but he pushes her off roughly.

"Don't touch me Maddie, just-just don't do anything." He leaves without another word.

6 hours into the storm

It's back to being awkward. The lights came on a few minutes ago, which Buck hated cause now they could see the tears that silently fell from his eyes. He was getting really sick and tired of everyone stabbing him in the back.

But eventually the wind let up, and the rain slowed down. Bobby got the call for them to go back online. Buck felt like he could barely move. So as everyone slowly started to move around, and get back to work, Buck sat silently. Not allowing himself to even think about going back to work. No matter how many voices asked if he was okay could bring him out of the state he was in. Not Hen's voice, not Bobby's. Not even Eddie's. Eventually they left him alone with his thoughts. They had all heard the bomb Maddie had dropped. It was so loud you could hear it over a freaking hurricane. So they let him be.

1 hour after the storm

Everyone had called their families to let them know they were okay. And the fact alone that Hen didn't come running in asking about his cancer, made Buck assume that Karen stuck to her promise and didn't tell Hen. Buck finally got his arms to move, which was enough to be able to call Jamie. Reaching for his pocket, he grabs his phone, pressing on Jamie's contact before bringing it up to his ear.

"Buck? Is this you?"

"Yea it's me." Bucks voice was numb, and empty. He didn't even try to hide it.

"Thank God. I tried texting you after it was over but you didn't answer. I got scared, and thought you were out on call when it hit. I was a bit worried you wouldn't make it back in time to take your medication." Buck can't even bring himself to smile at Jamie's concern. At least someone was concerned though.

"Sorry. I've had a rough day."

"Yea I can hear it in your voice. I'm gonna help my aunt clean up the house, it got a bit rough during the hurricane. But tomorrow we could go down to the cafe like usual? You can tell me how your somehow horrible life got even worse." Buck nods his head. Trying to get any part of him to feel something. Trying to feel at least a little bit sad that his relationship with his sister was probably never going to be the same again. But he didn't feel sad. He didn't feel anything. He couldn't even bring himself to worry if that was the cancer or just him.

"Sounds like a plan."

Chapter Text

"So, you had a brother?" Buck and Jamie sit at the cafe they go to every Saturday. Cold coffee sat in front of them. Buck had just finished explaining everything to Jamie, still not sure if he even believed it himself. I mean what kind of sister hides something like that for 29 years of their brother's life?

"Yup." Buck taps the ring on his pinky against his coffee mug, as he tries to get the words out.

"But he died?" Buck nods his head numbly.

"Uh huh."

"From the same disease you currently have?"

"That's right." Jamie waits a few more seconds before speaking up again, trying desperately to wrap his head around it.

"And your sister lied to you about it for your entire life?" Buck sighs in frustration.

"There's no need for a recap, I just told you." Jamie raises his hands in defense.

"I know, I know, it's just. Insane. Absolutely. Positively. Insane." He puts on a British accent for effect, that normally Buck would tease him about, but he can't even bring himself to do that.

"Yeah, I know." Another few seconds goes by in silence. The only noise you could hear was the ring against the mug and Jamie's fingers tapping repeatedly on the table.

"Okay you win. Your trauma is way more fucked up than mine." Buck snorts. Like that wasn't already obvious.

"I'm serious. The trauma just keeps going. Like, whenever I think you've reached your limit, you find out about your dead brother who died from the same disease you're currently battling."

"Okay." Buck gets up from the table, about to walk away, before Jamie frantically apologizes and grabs onto his arm, not wanting him to leave.

"Okay okay I'm sorry. We can talk about something else if you'd like! Remember the hemorrhoids?!" This makes Buck pause, and for a moment a tiny smile slipped on his face, before it was gone. He sighs and falls back into his seat, taking a sip of the coffee that had been sitting in the same place for an hour.

"So, what else happened while you guys were stuck? I mean that must have been pretty awkward." His voice slippingup an octave in the end. To say he was invested was an understatement.

"Nothing much." Buck shrugs. Although, besides his dead brother, someone else had also taken up his mind. His talk with Eddie was his second most replayed hurricane moment in his head.

"Come on, you were trapped with the people who stabbed you in the back, time and time again, in a freaking hurricane, for six hours and you're telling me nothing else happened? I don't believe it." Buck hesitates, looking up from where he'd been staring to look at Jamie. His eyebrows were raised, calling his bullshit.

"Well.... Something else may have happened." Jamie screeches, banging on the table in excitement.

"I knew it! Tell me!" Buck sighs, but tells him anyway.

"Well, me and Eddie finally had a conversation that didn't end or start with anyone screaming and storming off. Not that we really had a place to storm off to."

"Okay.... And?" Jamie leans forward on his seat. His hands rested on his cheeks as he waited for Buck to continue.

"And, he said he didn't hate me. He actually sort of saved my life." This time Jamie smacks Buck on the arm. Buck backs up in shock.

"Okay, ow. Why are you always hitting me?"

"You almost died, and you didn't tell me? Screw your dead brother, why didn't you start with that?" Buck just rolls his eyes, at least one of them feels like they can joke about it.

"I don't know. I forgot? Besides, you missed the point. There was this tree branch that had blown in right before we could close the doors all the way. It was coming straight for me-"

"Of course that's how you almost died. You know I shouldn't even be surprised with your luck. Your life is way more interesting than any reality tv show." Buck goes to brush it off, before getting distracted.

"You watch reality tv?" Jamie shrugs sheepishly.

"I like to keep my mind busy. Don't knock it till you try it." Buck considers for a moment before shaking his head.

"We're getting sidetracked here."

"Well you wanted to know." And for the millionth time that day, Buck rolls his eyes.

"Anyways, it was headed straight for me, and Eddie pushed me out of the way. It was the closest we'd ever been in months. Almost made me forget we were in a hurricane."

"And? What happened next?" Buck sighs thinking back. His brown eyes almost unnoticeable in the dark. But in Buck's mind, he could see them perfectly.

"He asked if I was okay, then we all rushed to the bunk room. We talked, and decided that no matter how nice we were to each other in that room, it could never stay that way. No matter how much we want it to." Jamie pouts. Like that wasn't the ending he was hoping for.

"What? Why not? He told you he didn't hate you, and he saved your life."

"Why are you rooting for us? I thought you hated them?" Jamie shrugs.

"I don't know. I like to switch things up sometimes. Besides, he was probably so hurt by what you did because he loves you." Buck furrows his eyebrows. Love? No way.

"He doesn't love me. He's mad ‘cause I ruined our friendship. Besides, nothing that happened during the hurricane was gonna change anything. You ever notice the only time he's ever been nice to me in months is when he thought we were all gonna die? That's why it can't go back to the way it was. Because no matter what happened yesterday, he can't forgive me. And I can't forgive him. That's just the way it is now." Before Jamie can reply, Buck stands up and walks away, planning to head home. He only makes it a few steps before Jamie is yelling back to him.

"You're really gonna make a dying man pay for your coffee?" And Buck can hear the smug in his voice, as he turns to look around, noticing people were looking at them weird. Cursing, Buck walks back to the table, placing the correct amount of money down and walking away, leaving Jamie's laughter in the distance.

He gets in his car, trying to clear his mind from yesterday's activities. On the way, he can feel his head get increasingly worse. 15 minutes into the drive it gets so bad, he has to pull his car over to wait for it to pass. Trying desperately to blink away the black dots and dizziness. He gets out of the car, and sits down on the grass beside the road, feeling the wet stems from the rain the day before. He just needs to remember the blue tulip, and he'll be okay. It's enough to convince him he's not dying this second, and after a few minutes his head eases up, and his vision goes back to normal. Though the dizziness and nausea sticks with him the rest of the way home.

He lets Jamie know he's home, when he sees a text from Karen.

'Hey Buck. Hen told me what happened yesterday. Just wanted to check in to see how you were doing.'

Buck doesn't understand why she doesn't hate him like everyone else, but he's not going to complain. He thinks of what to say back. He knows she won't believe him if he tells her he's fine.

'I'm hanging in there I guess. Just shocked. And tired.' he answers back. It's vague, but it's enough to have Karen calling him back almost immediately. He answers hesitantly.

"Hey Karen." He lays down on his bed, which is still in the middle of his living room, silently thanking his past self for moving it downstairs.

"Hey Buck. I just figured calling was easier than texting. I figured after the day you had yesterday, you wouldn't have that much energy." Buck is thankful for Karen. She was right, as much as it annoyed him how easy it was for him to get wiped out now. Before he knows it, he's saying yes to Karen's suggestion of coming over. He figured he could use the company, and it would be good to have someone around just in case he had another episode. He was glad to know that his common sense hadn't slipped away from him yet. Not that he had much to begin with.

Half an hour later he and Karen are sitting at the kitchen table, while she heats up some soup for them. He warned her that he might not be able to keep much down, but she didn't mind.

"So, how are you really?" Was the start of the conversation. He didn't really know how to answer that. Honestly it just kinda felt like everything in his life was falling apart.

"I don't know. I guess I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around the whole thing. I'm pissed at Maddie for lying to me. If I'd known about Daniel, maybe I would have caught the cancer symptoms sooner." Karen smiles sympathetically.

"I'm not going to say I understand. Cause I don't. But most people don't catch it until at least stage two. Stage one doesn't show that many symptoms. And the ones that do show, are easy to pass off as just exhaustion." Buck feels defeated. For the past month and a half, he's been overthinking every little detail that happened right before his diagnosis. It would explain the behavior. But then again, Bucks always been the one to rush into things without thinking, so to everyone else, it seemed normal. Not that it made it hurt less.

"I guess. I just keep thinking... My doctor said the cancer could affect my behavior. But then Jamie said that I probably had cancer for a while before I got diagnosed, since I was already stage two. What if that's the reason I did the whole law-suit? Was it just because I was sick in the brain and didn't have control over what I was doing?" Karen has trouble finding the words to say next. She knows there's nothing she can really say to help Buck.

"Well, you can sit and wonder about it, but the truth is you'll never know for sure. It's in the past though. Nothing you say can undo it. And I know no one else thinks that way yet. But if you give them time, they'll come around." Buck sighs, because in a way she's right. But he also knows that even if they all miraculously forgave him, and he forgave them, nothing would be like it was before.

"That's the thing. I don't know how much time I have left. And even if we all forgave each other it will never be like it was."

"Probably not. But if you guys can overcome this. You'll come out stronger than before." It's a while before either speaks up again, instead eating their soup in silence.

"You know, Hen has been thinking about calling you for over a month now. She's really worried about you, especially after what happened yesterday." Buck's gaze hardens.

"If she was really worried, she would have called by now, instead of just thinking about it."

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Three weeks go by, and Buck is back in the chair getting injected with poison. He's been diagnosed with cancer for almost 2 and a half months. He's only had one other shift with Eddie and the others, but neither of them spoke unless it was about the job. Keeping it strictly professional. They hadn't spoken about what happened during the hurricane. Buck didn't mind though. The more time went on, Buck found himself missing them less and less. No doubt about it that had something to do with the cancer. But he'd been getting sicker. And he didn't know if that was because the chemo was working, or because the chemo wasn't. The other day he had tried to drive to work, and started panicking when the car wouldn't drive. After about 15 minutes he realized it was because he’d forgotten to put the key in the ignition. Buck had decided that was enough driving. Opting to take Ubers everywhere he went. No one questioned it. Not that he minded.

Jamie had been getting more sick as well.

His energy was drained more with each day. He didn't joke around as much as he used to. He never made fun of Buck about his traumatic life, no more competitions on who had it worse. Buck had tried to feel sad about it, but he couldn't. He didn't have the energy to express it anymore. Instead, he cried on the inside. Everyday, he felt a new piece of him break, and he was finding it harder and harder to care. So they sat silently. Only speaking up every 10 minutes to drown out the ringing in their ears.

Buck didn't take his eyes off the blue tulip once. If it had a soul, Buck would be staring into it. His eyes run along the vibrant blue petals, down to the forest green stem. Eyes bouncing off of the reflection in the leaves, finally he trails down to see the soil. Beauty buried deep within it. It still reminded him of Eddie. But this time no tears leaked from his eyes. He didn't get this soul crushing feeling like his world was ending. His face didn't change at all looking at it. All he could feel was the emptiness that nested in him. It didn't even bother to hug his heart like a blanket. The emptiness left him cold.

He tried to get that feeling back. The feeling he got when he looked at it the first time. As much as it hurt, at least he felt something. Now when he looks at it, he still thinks of Eddie. But he doesn't miss him. No matter how hard he tried to. He just didn't feel it. He didn't feel anything.

"What are you doing?" Jamie's voice broke his thoughts. He didn't look over, eyes still trained on the flower. Reminding himself he wasn't dead yet.

"Using the flower to calm my mind." Buck replies, voice void of any emotion.

"Why would you do that?" This gets Bucks attention, and for the first time in weeks he feels something. Anxiety? Fear? No. This was worse. For the first time since he got there, he peeled his eyes away from the painting, slowly looking towards Jamie.

"Jamie? Do you know what kind of flower that is?" Buck holds his breath. Almost not wanting to know the answer.

"Uh, I don't know. A blue one?" Buck closes his eyes, and looks away. Jamie's words echoing in his head from a month back.

'Once you forget the meaning, you know you're near the end. Not much can bring you back from that.'

Chapter Text

Buck should have seen this coming. Of course he'd have to lose someone else. Sometimes it feels like the universe is mocking him. Punishing him for something he did in a different life. Torturing him for information, and Buck wanted to give them the answers, he just didn't know what it was. Though Jamie isn't dead yet, Buck wouldn't put it past whatever god is up there to take him away from him too. People like Jamie are too kind for this cruel world. But in the end, you can't stop the inevitable. You can plead, and beg and cry, but it's up to whoever is in control to see if they take pity on you or not.

If Buck is being honest. He's scared. Not only because he might lose Jamie, but because, his memory is obviously getting worse. What if Jamie forgets the 118 doesn't know about his cancer and he blurts it out? So for both those reasons, he decides to do what he thinks is best for him. He starts to push Jamie away. Avoiding his calls. Only talking to him at chemo appointments, using the same excuse that he was busy with work. He just can't lose anyone else. So he does what he has to.

Jamie picks up on it though and it confuses him. He starts to overthink. Wondering if he did something wrong. Buck had been acting weird since their last chemo appointment, and after another week of being ignored, he decided to say something. Next Friday, they were both sitting in side by side, Jamie trying to make conversation, but Buck only giving short answers.

"What's going on with you Buck? You've been ignoring me for like a week. If there was something I did wrong, just tell me what it is so I can fix it." Jamie pleads.

"I can't tell you." Jamie furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

"Why?"

"Because it'll hurt you if I do. It's just better that you don't know." This makes Jamie even more upset.

"You're not making any sense Buck, just tell me what I did wrong, and I'll fix it. I miss my friend." Buck keeps his gaze away, knowing that if he looks at Jamie he'll break.

"This isn't something you can fix." Buck persists, but Jamie doesn't let it go.

"How do you know that? I might surprise you." Buck shakes his head, trying to keep his emotions under control. Almost wishing he could go back to feeling numb.

"Trust me, you can't."

"Well how will I know that if you don't tell me?" Buck can feel the anger in his chest build up.

"Just drop it." Jamie turns his body to face Buck, not giving up. He was going to find out the truth, end of the story.

"Not until you tell me. I can fix it, I know I can." Finally Buck breaks, slamming his hands down against the arm rest, something he's becoming pretty familiar with doing.

"You can't fix cancer Jamie!" Jamie slowly backs up. His face morphing into something Buck doesn't know quite how to read.

"What?" His voice is soft. Wavering just a bit. Buck sighs, lowering his voice to speak calmly once again.

"You're dying Jamie." Jamie nods his head confused.

"Yeah, I know. Don't you remember how we met?" Buck shakes his head, trying to get Jamie to understand.

"I knew you were dying. I just didn't think you actually would. But your memory is fading. And you're growing weaker by the second. And-" Buck pauses, finally looking towards Jamie, only to see the tears falling from his mismatched eyes. Buck always loved the fact that they were different. It was one of the first things he noticed about Jamie.

"Jamie.... You're my friend. Probably my best friend. The only way I've made it this far, and kept coming to my appointments was because you were here. I mean you were there for me when no one else was. When I didn't even think I deserved to have anyone. But you showed me I was just punishing myself. You helped me realize that just because I didn't have the 118, that didn't mean I deserved to be alone. And I appreciate everything you've done for me.....But I can't watch you die. Because you also taught me that it was okay to put myself first. And-" Buck pauses, not meaning to say the rest of what he was thinking. He could see Jamie break more and more, as he spoke.

"And what?" Buck couldn't bring himself to cry. That didn't stop Jamie though. He didn't even bother to wipe his tears. Buck hesitates, before speaking up.

"I don't want you to forget that the 118 don't know about me yet and accidentally tell them." Jamie narrows his eyebrows in disbelief.

"Seriously? You know that's not my fault." Buck looks away, not saying anything else. He knew he'd just make it worse like he always does. Jamie scoffs and turns back around. Neither of them say anything until the end of the appointment. Right before Jamie leaves he looks over to Buck.

"You know, if you want to push me away because I'm dying, and you don't want to get hurt, then fine. But the more people you push away. The more alone you'll be. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself." He walks out, and Buck doesn't even dare to respond.

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Another week goes by and Jamie and Buck haven't spoken a word. Buck just got home from his chemo appointment and it was the first time him and Jamie hadn't talked since they met. Not even looking each other in the eyes. Buck was getting worse as the days went on. Pieces of his memory slipping from his brain without him even noticing. Although his co workers had noticed, not that they cared enough to tell him. But everyday they found Buck had forgotten to do certain things, he used to be able to do with his eyes closed. Forgetting where things went, or completely forgetting the object in general. He knew he wouldn't be able to work much longer, but would push himself until he couldn't anymore. Someone on the A team had a dentist appointment on Wednesday, which left Buck to cover for him. He knew he wouldn't be able to hide it from them, and he had a feeling that the truth would come out soon.

It was now 3pm and Karen had come over to help take care of Buck. She's been really helpful lately, as he hadn't been able to do as much himself. Right now he was lying in bed, not sleeping but not exactly awake either. Karen was making him a sandwich. Buck was sick of soup. He swore if he ever beat cancer he'd never eat soup again. Once Karen was done, she put the sandwich on the plate and brought it to Buck in bed. She sat down next to, to help him sit up.

"I have no idea, how your going to work on Wednesday. And it's with Hen and the others. You know you won't be able to hide it from them when you look like this?" Buck sighs, having heard this conversation over and over in his head.

"Yeah I know. I'll tell them soon. Just not yet." Sensing that Buck didn't want to talk about it, she changes the subject.

"How's Jamie doing? Haven't heard you talk about him in a while." Buck should have expected that question.

"We aren't really friends anymore." This shocks Karen. Last time she heard they were hanging out everyday.

"Oh? What happened?" Buck finishes swallowing his bite before answering.

"He's dying." Confused, Karen pushes.

"I thought that was obvious."

"It's just... I knew he was dying, but I didn't realize how fast. I don't want to watch him, slowly lose himself. And what if he forgets my cancer is a secret, and tells everyone." Karen tilts her head to the side in question.

"So you don't want to be his friend because you're scared he might spill your secret, since he has a disease he can't control?" Buck cringes. It sounds horrible when you say it out loud.

"Well when you put it that way, it makes me sound like a terrible person." Buck puts the half eaten sandwich on his plate and pushes it away.

"You're not a terrible person Buck. I get it, but put yourself in his shoes. You're dying and the only friend you have leaves, because he's scared you might accidentally reveal his secret." Buck doesn't say anything else. He didn't realize how bad it sounded. He immediately feels guilty. Hating his cancer even more now.

"Besides, does he even come by the firehouse anymore?" Buck puts his hands in his head.

"Not really. God I'm such a horrible person. I stopped being friends with someone because they have cancer." Karen quickly puts her arms around Buck, feeling sorry he had to go through all of this.

"It's not your fault Buck. Just talk to Jamie. I'm sure he'll understand." Buck nods his head, trying to calm himself down. Jamie was usually really understanding. He just hope he didn't screw up too bad. After a few minutes, they break the hug, and for the first time in a week, he texts Jamie. They decide to meet up tomorrow at the cafe they went to every Saturday. Buck feels somewhat at ease that Jamie didn't immediately tell him to fuck off.

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The next day Buck gets ready to meet Jamie. He takes all his medication, and manages to eat half a sandwich, before throwing it back up. He didn't know if it was the cancer or the nerves. Either way, Buck called an Uber for himself, still not being able to drive. When he arrived Jamie was already there waiting for him. He takes a deep breath before sitting down across from the man he hasn't spoken to in a week.

"Hey." It's Jamie who speaks up first. And for some dumb reason, it makes Buck think there might be a chance he can still fix things between them.

"Hey." Was all Buck said. A few minutes goes by before he has the courage to say the rest.

"I'm so sorry Jamie. I was being really stupid, and an ass, I shouldn't have pushed you away just cause I was scared. And I don't want you to think I don't trust you, cause it's really not your fault, and I know I don't deserve it it but-" Jamie cuts off Buck with a smile.

"Buck, you're rambling."

"Right sorry. Basically, I just wanted to tell you I was wrong for what I said and did. And I hope you can forgive me." Jamie's smile is warm, and comforting. Somehow easing Buck's anxiety just a little bit.

"How do I know you're not just going to change your mind again? If it helps I won't come by the station anymore." And before Buck can stop himself, he says something really stupid.

"You don't have to do that cause..... They already know." Jamie's eyes widen in surprise. Buck curses himself in his head for lying again. He just can't stand another person to be mad at him.

"Oh my god really? When? How did they react?"

"Um, I told them.... Yesterday. Yeah, they were a bit upset at first but eventually came around, and apologized for how they treated me."

"Wow that's crazy. Did you forgive them?" Buck doesn't know what to say. If they apologized would he forgive them?

"Uh, I just, told them I needed more time." Buck feels guilty for lying, but theres nothing he can do about it now. They talk for a little bit before Jamie has to go, leaving Buck alone in his thoughts.

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It's Wednesday and Buck has just walked into the station. He hasn't seen anyone since the hurricane, so to say it was awkward was an understatement. He walks into the locker room to see Eddie changing into his uniform. They don't share words, just nodding their heads to acknowledge the other. A few minutes goes by before he feels eyes on him. He looks over half expecting it to be Eddie, only to be surprised by Chim standing at the door, glaring daggers at him. Buck shifts uncomfortably, head going back to the locker, trying to ignore him.

"Got nothing to say to me now Buckley?" Buck curses, and sighs. He closes his locker once he was done, well aware of Eddie's eyes that now lay on him.

"Not today Chim." Chimney laughs.

"Oh so it's Chim now?" Buck tries to walk past him but Chimney holds his arm out, blocking his path.

"I'm not in the mood today, just back off." Before Chimney could respond they get interrupted.

"That's enough you two." They turn to see Bobby standing in the entrance.

"You can yell at each other all you want after this shift is over. Right now I need your attention." The others enter the room as Bobby gives a rundown of how the rest of shift will go. Chimney gives Buck snide remarks that he usually ignores, but by the time their shift was done, he about had it from him.

"What the hell's your problem man? I'm just trying do my job, which is hard enough without your annoying ass voice constantly in my ears." Their in front of the truck, after getting done with their last call of the day. Everyone is standing around watching the interaction. Knowing it wouldn't end well.

"You're my problem man. Do you have any idea how much you hurt Maddie?" Buck scoffs, somehow finding the energy to yell back. He knows it probably wasn't the smartest idea, but he can't find it in himself to care right now.

"How much I hurt her? She lied to me Chimney. For 29 years, she knew I had a brother and didn't tell me. She talks and talks about always being there for me, and how it was us against the world, but turns out she's just a liar. She doesn't even know half the shit our parents did to me after she left. I told her it got worse and you wanna know something? She didn't care." Chimney takes a step closer, closing Buck in against the firetruck.

"She was being abused! Or did you forget about that part?"

"Well so was I!" Buck hadn't told anyone about his past after Maddie left. They knew bits and pieces before and after. But he always left out the middle.

"You have no idea how bad it got after Maddie left. They used to tell me, I was the reason she abandoned them. Because she didn't want to take care of my pathetic ass anymore. And you know what? For the longest time I believed them. They thought if they hurt me enough, Maddie would suddenly remember she had a brother and come running home. She never did though. No instead she chose to protect her abusive ass of a husband instead of me. Her own brother. But I'm just supposed to be okay with it, because she was hurting. But it's bullshit. They had me walking on fucking glass, until I passed out from blood loss, but no it's oh poor Maddie, when I went through the exact same shit. But no one seems to care how bad it was for me." His vision had started to flicker throughout the rant. The more he spoke the harder it was to cling to his breath. He felt the same pressure in his head, but this time it was on overdrive. He felt himself gasping for breath, clutching his chest as the pain started to spread.

"Buck?" He couldn't tell who it was. As he looked up, he came to the conclusion that he could barely hear anything. The voices grew further and further away until eventually they went away completely. As did his vision. He didn't realize Jamie had walked into the station.

"Oh my god Buck? Are you okay?" Eddie looks over from where he was holding onto Buck, to see Jamie run over, a tin of cookies in his hands. Hen quickly comes over and stop him from coming any closer.

"You need to stay back, so we can figure out how to treat him." Jamie looks at Hen in confusion.

"Aren't you a paramedic?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Well how do you normally treat cancer patients?" Everyone froze. Eddie almost letting his grip on Buck to falter. Everyone is praying they heard him wrong. After a few moments, Bobby eventually speaks up.

"What did you just say?"

Chapter Text

     An hour later, the 118 are sitting in the waiting room of the hospital. Bobby had called Maddie when they got there, not telling her about the new found information just yet. He figured it was probably best to tell her in person. Jamie sat in the corner a little bit away from everyone else. All he could think about was Buck. And how he lied to him. Eddie sat a few seats from him also in thought. Guilt, shame, and horrified came up a lot. He glanced over at Jamie, also feeling bad for the guy. He picked up on something's, like the fact that Buck lied to Jamie. So swallowing his pride, he got up and walked over to Jamie, taking the seat next to him. Jamie looked up startled, eyes relaxing when he realized it was just Eddie.

     "I'm sorry he lied to you." Was all Eddie could think of saying. Jamie just nodded but didn't say anything else for a while. Just as Eddie was about to get up, Jamie speaks up.

     "He talked about you a lot." That made Eddie freeze. Sitting back down to take the words in. Eddie was shocked to stay the least.

    "He did?" Jamie nodded. Keeping his eyes trained on the wall in front of him.

    "Every Saturday we would go down the cafe at around noon. The conversations were usually pretty random at first. But somehow it would always drift to you." Eddie didn't know how to respond. Even after all he did to Buck, all the hurtful words, and glares, his mind still found it's way back to Eddie.

    "What did he say? I'm guessing he didn't have many good things to say about me. Not that I really blame him." Jamie chuckled softly. He couldn't be more wrong from the truth.

    "He said he misses you a lot. And that he misses your son Chris. He told me he wished he could have told you about the cancer. But he didn't want that to be the reason you forgave him. Cause then it wouldn't be forgiveness. It would be pity. He said that he was angry for how you treated him. But mostly just sad. You were the one person he thought would never leave. But no matter how angry, or how sad he was about it. He never once spoke bad about you." Every word was like a punch to the gut. He couldn't even imagine what Buck was feeling during all of this. The guilt felt like it was eating him alive. He couldn't escape it.

    "I was horrible to him. I said he was exhausting, and selfish, and the worst part about it was that I didn't even believe it. I don't know why I said it. He's probably the least selfish person I know. I could have backed down, and apologized so many times, but my pride and anger got in the way and I just- do you think he'll ever forgive me?" Jamie honestly didn't know the answer to that question. Maybe if it was a few months ago. Buck probably would have. But now he wasn't so sure.

    "Honestly, I don't know. A few months ago I would have said %100. But these past few weeks have been the hardest for him. With everything with his dead brother, and Maddie and Chimney, I think he's just tired of everyone turning on him. People who were supposed to be on his side, and you all just kicked him out of your lives like he was nothing. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear right now. But I wouldn't be surprised if he never forgave you." Of course this crushed Eddie, but he couldn't even blame him. If he was Buck, he probably wouldn't forgive him either.

    A few minutes later Maddie comes rushing through the doors. Chimney stands up and waves her over. Everyone watches as they hug, then Chim guides her over to the chair next to him.

    "Guys what happened? Bobby wouldn't tell me over the phone." Eddie can't even look at Maddie as she walks over. As much as he's mad at himself, he's also pissed at Maddie and Chimney. He remembers what Buck said before he passed out. Everything that Maddie did to him. How she left him to go live with Doug while he was being used and abused by his parents. And how Chimney supported that. It angered Eddie. Thought he couldn't get too mad, because he hadn't said anything either. Bobby decides since it happened at work, he should be the one to tell Maddie.

    "It was at the end of shift. Things kind of got... Heated between him and Chimney. Next thing we know Buck was gasping for breath, grabbing his chest and head. We also believe his vision went out as well as his hearing." Maddie gasps, holding a hand over her mouth.

    "How do you know he lost his vision and hearing?" Bobby looks between the rest of the 118, taking a deep breath before answering.

    "I'm sorry Maddie, but.... Buck has cancer. A brain tumor in his temporal and occipital lobe. He had a lot of the symptoms before he passed out." Maddie felt the color leave her face. Cancer? Another one of her brother's had cancer? She shakes her head in disbelief.

    "No. No you're wrong. He-he can't have cancer. Tell the doctors to run more tests."

    "He's had it for almost 3 months." This time it was Jamie who speaks up. Everyone turned their head to face him.

    "What? No that's not possible-"

    "Well he's had multiple rounds of chemo that suggest other wise." Jamie's voice is sharp, and short. Eyes staring into Maddie's soul. He's planning to make her feel gut wrenching guilt for as long as he has left.

    "You don't know Buck as well as I do okay? If he had cancer he would have told us." Jamie scoffs and looks away.

    "Really? Then how come I knew about the abuse and you didn't? How come out of all of you guys, I was the only one who wasn't a dick to him for 3 months. I was the only one he felt like he could talk to because the people who were supposed to be the only family he ever had, couldn't let go pride to be a decent human being for two seconds."

    By the end of his speech he was standing up facing everyone else. Eddie's face was cold and distant. Not angry cause of what Jamie said. But angry at himself cause he was right. Hen's face held an overwhelming amount of guilt. It felt like someone tore her heart open and placed a thousand pounds inside, sewed it up and told her to act like she wasn't drowning in it. Bobby's face was unrecognizable. To the 118 maybe. But to himself, he's well aware of the familiar ache in his chest. It was the same ache he had when his wife and children died. He felt like a failure. And Chimney. He just couldn't let go. He knew he was in the wrong, but he didn't want to admit it. So instead he got defensive. Coming up with any excuse he could find, to defend his actions.

    "We didn't know he had cancer!" Jamie shook his head in disbelief.

    "Oh because if you did you wouldn't have been an asshole? You would have realized you were being a horrible friend and apologized? That doesn't make it better. What he did may have hurt you. But he wasn't in the wrong. He did what he did to get his job back, so he could go back to his family. And you all turned your backs on him. So now you get to live with that for the rest of your lives." At this point Maddie was crying. She felt horrible that her little brother was going through all of his. She felt sick to her stomach even just thinking about it.

   "I don't understand why you aren't mad at him, he lied to you to." Chimney's voice held anger with a side of despair.

    "Yeah. Yeah he lied. But you know what? I'm gonna chose to forgive him anyway. Because he's human, and human's make mistakes. Something I thought they were supposed to teach you in kindergarten." Jamie doesn't let anyone say anything else. He could see the security guard getting closer the louder he yelled. So he took and deep breath and walked outside to get some air.

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    It had been another hour since they all arrived. Jamie was back inside but kept his distance from the others. Hen decided to call Karen, to let her know she probably wouldn't be making it home tonight. She takes the phone call outside though. Figuring they've annoyed enough people today.

    "Hey Hun. Listen, I'm probably not gonna make it home tonight." Immediately Karen thought something was wrong with Hen.

    "Why? What's wrong are you okay?"

    "Yeah, no I'm fine it's not me... It's Buck." Karen has a feeling she knows what this is about.

    "What happened to Buck?" Hen sighs, having trouble getting the words out.

    "He passed out today at work.... Karen he has cancer." Hen can feel the tears in her eyes. Trying to push them down. She promised herself she wouldn't cry until she knew Buck was okay.

    "He told you?" This makes Hen freeze, hoping she misheard her.

    "What do you mean 'he told me'? You knew?" Karen holds her breath for a moment. She knew He would be mad, but it didn't change anything. She still would have respected Bucks wishes and kept it a secret.

    "Yea I know. He told me the day of the Hurricane. I ran into him at the store before his shift. I've been helping him out with the things he hasn't been able to do." Hen can't believe what she's hearing.

    "You knew for that long and didn't tell anyone? How could you do that? If you told us, we could have helped him before it got this bad."

    "Are you really trying to blame me right now? Why don't you ask yourself why he didn't feel like he could tell you himself. I don't even blame him, cause if you treated me the way you treated him, I wouldn't of told you either. Text me with updates but other than that just- just leave me alone for a little bit." She ends the can before Hen could respond.

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    Eddie thinks back to the conversation he had with Buck while they were locked in the bunk room during the hurricane. For a little while he remembered what it was like to have a best friend. He really didn't deserve Buck. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. But he wants to be. He knows things will never go back to the way things were. But maybe. Just maybe, they could go back to being at least friends. Eddie just misses Buck's presence. He misses his random facts, and his laugh. He misses seeing Buck and Christopher together. He wishes he allowed Buck to be there to help him out with his nightmares of the tsunami. He realizes Buck must of had them too. But unlike Christopher, Buck had to go through it alone. Not even having the company of Jamie at the time. He hates himself even more now.

    Bobby doesn't know how he can move on from this. If Buck dies, he would never forgive himself. There are no words in the vocabulary to describe what he's feeling right now. Unbearable guilt? Failure? The feeling of a thousand knifes ramming into his gut? None of those are strong enough to describe the feeling. He tries to remember the last conversation he had with Buck that didn't involve harsh glares or meaningless words. He remembers he invited Buck over for dinner. Buck was so excited to go back to work. To go back to what he loved, with the people he loved. But Bobby took that away from him. He took away his worth. His life. He took away a piece of Buck, he doesn't know if he can give back. He may be able to glue all the little pieces of who Buck used to be back together. But they won't fit the same. Cause he doesn't remember the order in which he took them from.

    Maddie still refused to believe Buck even had cancer. It feels like Daniel all over again. Maybe that's why she left. Because even though she doesn't want to, a little part of her still resents Buck for not being able to save Daniel. Everytime she looked at Buck, it reminds her of the brother she lost. And it was too painful. So instead she left. She packed a bag, and ran away from her problems. Talking to Buck less and less, using the excuse that she was just trying to protect him, when the truth was, she was just trying to protect herself. And she hates herself for it. She hated that she felt that way. Because of those feelings, she wasn't there for her brother when their parents were abusing him. She wasn't there for him, when he filed the lawsuit. Instead telling him that he was being reckless and just 'good ol' Buck' She wasn't there for him when he was dying. And as much as she hates to admit it. If he wasn't dying she probably wouldn't have talked to him again. She wouldn't be here, praying for him to forgive her.

    Hen was at herself for many reasons. The first one that came to mind was that, she had thought about calling Buck so many times. So many nights she stayed up, looking at his contact on her phone, or ranting to Karen about him, but she never gave in. Even when her mind was screaming at her to pick up the damn phone and call him. But just liked Eddie, she couldn't let go of her pride. She always thought of herself as someone who marched to the beat of her own drum, never just followed what others thought, always having her own opinion, but when she had the chance to let go, to actually be a good friend and stand with Buck even when she thought he was right, she didn't. She followed what everyone else was feeling. That's something she'll forever regret.

    Chimney was ashamed to say the least. He knew he shouldn't have said all those things. And he was ashamed to admit that at the time, he really thought he meant it. He just wanted to do right by Maddie. He was so angry by what Buck did he couldn't see that he was also hurting. That he was dying. And he should have. He should have noticed. He should have forced him to go to the hospital that day he passed out. The day of the hurricane. He can't even bring himself to think about that right now. He hates himself for the words he said that day. But some part of him believes he needs to be by Maddie's side, even if that means he can't be on Buck's side.

    Jamie still sat in the waiting room. Even though he was hurt that Buck lied to him, he wouldn't let himself leave. He knows Buck will feel guilty, as he should. But that's what makes Jamie so willing to forgive him. Guilt is good. Because that means he felt bad enough to regret it. He also knows how terrifying it is to have to tell your people something like that. It's not easy to tell someone you're dying. I mean it took Jamie 3 months to tell his aunt he had cancer. So even though Buck lied to him, and maybe hasn't been the greatest friend, he's chosing to stay. Sitting in the waiting room for as long as it takes. Because as much as Buck needs Jamie. Jamie needs Buck just as much.

Chapter Text

It's not until 5 hours in that Dr. Lyra walks into the waiting room.

"Family of Evan Buckley." Everyone stands up as she walks over to them.

"I'm Maddie. I'm his sister. Is he okay?" Maddie asks worriedly.

"He's stable and resting now. We did more tests, and discovered the chemo isn't working as well as we hoped. Unfortunately we found another tumor in his temporal lobe." Eddie purses his lips and shakes his head, something he does when he's trying to keep his emotions in check.

"Is he-" Hen couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence. Bobby puts a hand on her shoulder and continues for her.

"What happenes now? I mean, is he going to be okay? Will he... Not make it?" Dr. Lyra smiles sympathetically.

"We're going to start a more aggressive treatment, we will keep him here till next Friday, then we can start the new round of chemo, after that he can go home, but he will need to have someone stay with him for the time being." They all look between each other, figuring out they could decide that later when Buck wakes up. They doubt he'll even want to see anyone anyways.

"Can we see him?" Jamie speaks up for the first time since she walked over. She smiles and nods her head.

"We'll start off with two people at a time, and then you guys can switch off." After she leaves, no one speaks for a moment. Glancing between one another, to see who will speak up first.

"Well, who wants to join me first?" Maddie is the first one to speak up. This makes Jamie perk his head up.

"You? Why should you get to go in?" Maddie looks towards Jamie in confusion.

"Because I'm his sister?" Jamie scoffs and shakes his head.

"Barely. I don't think Buck wants to see any of you right now. I think you guys should wait until he wakes up. Then he can decide if he wants to see you." Maddie goes to speak up, but Eddie cuts her off.

"He's right. It should be Bucks decision. We'll wait here. You can go in first. Just at least keep us updated?" Jamie found respect for Eddie. He knew he messed up, and is actually taking accountability for it. Unlike Chimney. Eddie decides what to do based on what he thinks Buck would want, even though he wants nothing more than to charge into Bucks room just to be able to hear him breathe.

"Of course." Before Jamie can leave, Chim speaks up.

"Why does he get to go? We've known him longer." This time Bobby speaks up, having enough of Chimney's remarks.

"Because he's the only one Buck isn't pissed off at, so sit down and shut up." Shocked at Bobby's outburst, Chimney slowly sits back down.

When Jamie enters the room he sees Buck hooked up to a bunch of machines. Slowly, he takes a chair to pull it up next to the bed, beside Buck, then sits down. For the first few minutes he doesn't say anything. He stays silent as he tries to figure out what to say. Eventually he finds the words.

"Hey Buck. It's Jamie. You might be mad at me, but I told everyone you had cancer. To be fair, you told me they already knew so that's not really my fault, and I expect a full apology when you wake up." He wishes Buck were awake to hear him tease him. It doesn't have the same effect when he's dead to the world. He takes a while before he can find something else to say.

"They're really worried about you. I still don't think you should forgive them. At least not all of them. I talked to Eddie. Well he came up to me first. He was surprised to know you didn't hate him after everything that happened. Maybe you could forgive him, after a while of dragging out the guilt. Chimney on the other hand.... Let's just say if you don't kick his ass when you get better, I will." Jamie looks over Bucks face, the bags under his eyes, the way his cheeks sunk in just a little bit. After a few seconds Bucks eyes flicker open, squinting at the bright light.

"I'd love to see that." Jamie breaks out into a smile, leaning closer towards Buck so he could see him better.

"Did you get all of that? Cause I don't wanna have to repeat it." Buck smiles a little bit, before he falters.

"Jamie.... I'm really sorry I lied. I just.... I didn't want another person to be disappointed in me. I know I screw up a lot of things, for some reason I just never seem to learn from my mistakes." Jamie smiles. He's not going to tell him it's okay, because it's not. But he's not one for holding grudges either.

"Apology accepted." Buck furrows his eyebrows, and shakes his head.

"You're not supposed to forgive me, your supposed to yell at me, call me a pathetic liar or something like that." Jamie snorts and rolls his eyes.

"Well, you are a pathetic liar.... But a lot of people are pathetic liars, you're not special." Buck smiles. He's not used to people forgiving him so easily. And he's definitely not used to people excepting his flaws. He could get used to it.

"So, where is everyone?"

"In the waiting room. I didn't know who you wanted to see, so I told them to wait out there." Buck's eyebrows furrow in disbelief.

"And they were okay with that?" Jamie laughs.

"Well, Eddie was. Chimney on the other hand.... Not so much." Buck falters just a bit. Honestly as much as he didn't want them to forgive him just cause he was sick, he still wished Chim took pity on him a little bit.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised." Jamie waits a few moments before speaking up carefully.

"Do you... wanna see anyone?" Buck thinks, his first response was, absolutely not. But he wouldn't be able to sleep until he cleared things up with one specific person.

"Yeah. Can you get Eddie? You can send everyone else home. I don't want to see them right now." Jamie nods and heads for the door. He runs his hands along the crease in the wall, liking the way the texture feels against his fingers. Once he gets to the waiting room, everyone spots him immediately. Almost like they were already watching the entrance. Once he gets there he stands in front of Eddie, just a hint of a smile on his face.

"He wants to see you." Eddie looks surprised. He was half expecting Buck to send everyone away if he's being completely honest with himself.

"What about the rest of us?" Jamie turns his head towards Maddie, shaking his head.

"He doesn't want to see anyone else. He said you guys can go home." He watches everyone's face drop, any trace of hope leaving their features. When Jamie walks away, Eddie stands up, quickly following behind. Once they get to his room, Jamie steps aside.

"I'll let you two talk." He makes his way back to the waiting room, while Eddie stands outside the door. He takes a few deep breaths before opening the door. Buck instantly looks up. He doesn't smile. He doesn't talk. But Eddie can tell how tired he looks. Now that he takes a closer look, he can see how skinny he's gotten. Eddie takes the seat Jamie was sitting in previously, before he speaks up.

"Buck I'm so sorry I-" Buck shakes his head, interrupting Eddie's sentence.

"Wait, just before you do that. I need to say something." Eddie nods his head silently, as he waits for Buck to continue.

"I know the lawsuit hurt you. I know how hurt Chris must have been when I stopped coming by. And maybe I could have gotten a better lawyer but.... I don't regret what I did. I've been on the fence about this for months, and maybe it was the cancer that made me do it. Or maybe it just gave me the courage to. But even after all I know now. All the words you said, everytime you ignored me, or called me exhausting, or selfish, I would still do it all over again. No matter how bad it hurt." Eddie is silent. Thinking over everything Buck said.

"I just wanted you to know that before you try and apologize. You know, just in case your don't want to anymore." Eddie nods. He doesn't speak for a while trying to find the words to say.

"I understand. I'm still sorry for everything I did and said. To be honest I don't even think I was that mad about the lawsuit. I was just mad at the world. And mad at Shannon. And I took it out on you. I think I just kinda lost it, when we couldn't see each other. Not that that's an excuse. But I shouldn't have gotten mad at you. I know how much this job means to you. And I know how much it killed you not being able to see Chris. I mean you love that kid just as much as I do. Maybe when you're feeling better, I could bring him by?" Buck wants to see Chris more than anything. But he doesn't want Eddie to think that he'll forgive him just because of it.

"Eddie, I miss Chris so much. I would give anything to see him. I'm not going to lie it's been really hard not being able to see him for so long and I don't know what you've been telling but, I don't want you to use him as a way for me to forgive you." Eddie shakes his head and leans forward in his seat.

"No that's not why I suggested it. I know it's gonna take a lot more than that for you to forgive me. And I wouldn't even blame you if you never did, I just.... I know how much you miss him. Thought it might make you feel better." Buck stares at Eddie for a moment, making sure he wasn't lying, before finally nodding his head.

"Then I would love to see Chris."

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The next day Buck decided he needed to have a conversation with everyone. He spent his entire morning coming up with what he wanted to say. He decided Hen would be the easiest to talk to, so he called her first. She showed up right before lunch was served. The moment she saw him, she had to swallow the lump in her throat. She can't believe she hadn't noticed he was so sick. Maybe she had bug she was trying to convince herself he said fine so she wouldn't have to talk to him. She took a seat beside his bed, right as the nurse came in with his food. He forgot how much he hated hospital food, until he looked at the plate of mashed potatoes, although he thought it looked more like potato soup.

"Hi Buck." Buck didn't reply. Just nodded his head slightly. This was going to be harder than he thought it would.

"Karen probably told you she already knew right?" Hen nods her head. She was a bit mad at first, but she can't really blame him for not wanting to tell anyone, with how they all treated him.

"Yeah, she did. We had a small fight, but we talked it over last night and made up. I'm just- I'm sorry we made you feel like you couldn't tell us. I thought about calling you so many times-"

"Then why didn't you? Why didn't you say anything when Chim said those things to me? Or when Eddie told me I was exhausting? Or even when Maddie told me about Daniel. You can say you wanted to call me all you want. But it doesn't matter, because you didn't." Hen doesn't blame him for being angry. She hoped he would yell at her, and said he hated her for what she did. Cause that's what she believes she deserves.

"I know. I just figured you didn't want to talk to me anymore. And you weren't totally alone. You had Jamie. I thought he would be a better friend than I ever could."

"You didn't even try to be a good friend. And yeah, I had Jamie. He was the only one who was there for me. He's been amazing, but I wanted my family too. After the first two months I gave up. I stopped chasing you guys when you clearly didn't want me there. And as much as it hurt me to leave you guys behind, I needed to move on for my mental health. It was killing me everytime I had even had to look at you guys. And it may have taken me 3 months to realize it, but I deserve better than that." Hen nodded, tears finally pooled at the bottom of her cheeks. She wipes them away, trying to push back the fact that Buck won't even look at her.

"I know... And I wish I could take it back." Buck rolled his eyes.

"Because I'm sick."

"No. It just made me realize how big of a jerk I was being. It was never supposed to go this far." Buck laughs bitterly.

"Yeah but it did." Hen doesn't know what else to say. So she doesn't. She knew nothing she said would change how he felt. So she sits in silence and waits for Buck to talk again.

"I might be able to forgive you. But not right now. Not for a while. I just... I need space." Hen nods her head in understanding.

"I just wanted to make sure you knew how sorry I was. And if you can never forgive me. I'll understand." She goes home after that. Leaving Buck to his thoughts. 

Chapter Text

Buck takes a while to collect himself. Trying to keep down the food on his plate before, running to the bathroom connected to his room to throw up. He can hear Jamie calling him from the other room, but didn't have enough to call back. 

   "Buck?" He's assuming he followed the sound to his heaving, because he appeared in the doorway a few seconds later. 

   "Awe, Buck." He could feel Jamie rubbing his back, and if his hair was long enough Buck would bet he would be pulling it out of his face. A few moments later Buck finally stopped, and rested his forehead on the edge of the toilet. 

   "I'm sick of this stupid illness. I just want it to be over." Buck let's the tears fall from his eyes in frustration. He can partly hear Jamie's voice saying he knows the feeling, but he shakes his head. There has to be a reason he ended up with this disease. This sickness. 

   "I don't understand. Why is this happening to me? Did I somehow upset whatever god is up there that he had to curse me with this-this horrible disease? Or was I just a terrible person in a past life and this version of me is paying the price. Or maybe I'm getting my karma for the lawsuit-" Jamie cuts Buck off before he can ramble anymore. 

   "Buck. You can't possibly think that someone up there is picking you out in a world full of humans because of one thing you did. I understand okay. I've been where you are. I've thought the same things, but listen to me when I tell you that some times, these things just happen. It's not anyone's fault. Some times bad things happen to good people. And even if someone did pick you out, they did it because they know you can get through it. They have faith that even after everything you've been through, you can come out the other side." Buck doesn't have the energy to fight back, so he just nods his head as tears pool at the bottom of his cheeks. 

   "Thanks Jamie. I really don't deserve you." Jamie just pulls him in a hug, hoping it might make all the thoughts and doubts leave Buck. 

   "Yes you do. You just don't believe. I'm just gonna choose to blame the cancer instead of calling you an idiot." Buck snorts and hugs Jamie tighter. 

After a while, they migrated back to the room. Buck laid down on the bed and Jamie lying down next to him. 

   "I need to call Bobby. I need to talk to him." He can feel Jamie's eyes on him, but he forces himself to look forward. 

   "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Buck sighs. He know he doesn't have to call him. He doesn't have to call anyone, to explain. But he really just wants to get this over with. He has enough to deal with as it is. 

  "I just need to get through these conversations, and then I can breathe again. I know I don't owe them anything, but I just need a break from everything." Jamie nods his head in understanding while Buck grabs his phone to call Bobby. When Buck says that he's almost there Jamie gives them space. 

When Bobby walks in the room, Buck can't stand to look at him for more than 3 seconds. Instead, turning his head to face the wall.

"Hey. I was surprised to get your call. I didn't think you'd want to see me." Buck responds, his voice flatter than Bobby had ever heard it before.

"I didn't really wanna see you. But I figured we should probably talk." Bobby felt more hope leave as the seconds went on. He sits down beside the bed, trying not to let it show that he was upset Buck wouldn't even look at him.

"I think I should start first." Buck starts and turns his head a little, so he's not completely facing the wall, but he's not looking at Bobby either.

"I don't know what I'm more mad at. How you treated me before the lawsuit or after. I worked so hard to come back to work after my leg. I know you know that because you were there with me, every step of the way. Which makes your actions afterwards even more confusing. I proved to you I was healthy enough to come back to work. That I could still do my job even while on blood thinners. But then I found out that you were the reason I couldn't come back. It was unfair how you treated me. If it were anyone else I know you would have let them do their job so why not me?" Bobby sighs. He knew the reason.

"I was just scared. You almost died, and it was my fault. I know you said you were okay to come back, I just didn't know if it was true. I didn't want you to risk coming back if you really weren't ready. I did the same thing when my.... When my wife and kids died. I went back to work way sooner than I should have. I just didn't want you to.... To end up like me." It makes sense to Buck now. But at the same time it infuriates him.

"I'm not you Bobby. You may have taught me how to tie a tie, and how to bake, and how to live but I'm not your kid. You didn't get to make that decision for me. You took my choice away. Being a firefighter was the only thing I've ever done that I was actually good at. I mattered then."

"You matter even if you aren't a firefighter." Buck shakes his head. Not believing a word he was saying.

"No I don't. I clearly didn't matter enough for Maddie to stick around. I didn't matter to my parents. Without my job I'm nothing. At least that's what it felt like. Because of you. I had every right to sue you and the department. Everyone always likes to say that I'm the one who always acts out, but you were the one who acted out Bobby. You were so scared I'd end up like you, you took away the only thing that made me feel important." Bobby didn't realize how much being a firefighter mattered to Buck. Nor did he ever ask.

"I was just trying to protect you-"

"That's bullshit! You weren't trying to protect me. You were trying to protect you. Do you know how much it hurts me to know that you didn't trust me. You really think I would lie about something like that, and put innocent lives in danger? You used to trust me. Well I thought you did. Which sucks more than you know. I used to look up to you.... Now I can't even look at you." Buck is getting really sick and tired of everyone crying, like they're not the ones who are in the wrong.

"Just go." Bobby shakes his head, not wanting to leave.

"Buck please just-"

"Get out. I don't want to see you, just please.... Please leave." Buck turns away to lie on his side, facing away from Bobby. Tears spilling from his eyes, staining the pillow, his head rested on. Bobby sighs, desperately trying not to tip over the edge of a breakdown.

"I'm sorry Buck." With that he gets up and walks out. Bucks muffled sobs slowly fading away from his ears. When he gets to the lobby he sees Jamie waiting there. He walks up to him, figuring Buck probably needed a friend.

"You should go see him." Jamie looked up, facing Bobby's teary eyes.

"Is he okay?" Bobby shakes his head.

"I think he just needs a friend. And right now you're all he's got." Bobby walks out the doors before Jamie can respond. When Jamie gets to Buck's room, he sees Buck's tear stained cheeks. His chest rising and falling evenly, figuring the crying probably tired him out.

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It's around 7pm now, Buck has been awake for about an hour and a half, Jamie still sitting by his side. He knew he still had to talk to Maddie, but he didn't really feel like crying again just yet. He already made a decision about Maddie and Chimney. He almost wants to just call them and tell them over the phone. He decided it was better to do it in person, not that either of them deserved it. But he needed to tell them to their face. So finally, he takes out his phone to text Maddie. Asking her to come to the hospital with Chimney. He doesn't answer her questions about why. He just waits for them to show up. When they finally do, Jamie gives them space, waiting out in the waiting room until he is done.

"Hey Buck. How are you feeling?" It was Maddie who spoke up first. Chim stood silently behind her, no longer glaring at Buck. Honestly Buck couldn't really tell what he was thinking.

"I'm fine. We need to talk though. And I don't want to argue or yell, I just need you guys to listen to me." Buck's voice was scratchy. Probably from all the crying. Maddie nods her head as Chim stays silent behind her. Buck figures he got the memo when he doesn't make another snide comment.

"Maddie. You're my sister. And I know you took care of me a lot before you left. And for that I always thought I owed you. I would always make up excuses when people would ask why you left. Tell them, it was for your job, or your husband. I always told them I was proud of you, for going after something you really loved. And for getting out of that crappy excuse for a town. But I've been thinking a lot about it since you told me about Daniel, and I need you to be honest with me." Maddie nods her head. He knows what he's going to ask. She's been avoiding having this conversation even with herself. Too ashamed to admit the truth.

"Did you leave because of Daniel?" Maddie sighs, taking a quick glance back at Chimney before turning to face Buck again.

"I always told myself no. That I don't blame you for Daniel dying because you were a kid. And I know it wasn't your fault. I mean our parents only had you so you could save him, and I don't blame you for his death. It's just.... Everytime I see you.... I see him. You look like him. Especially when you were a kid. And every time I looked at you, it reminded me that Daniel was gone. And he was never coming back." Buck almost regrets asking. In a way he's known since she first told him he had a brother. It made a lot more sense why she left, and why his parents treated him the way they did.

"Everytime I asked you why they never looked at me the way they looked at you. Why they never told me they loved me, or when I would stay up at night, crying on your shoulder wondering what I did wrong to make them hate me so much.... You knew. You let me feel alone and unloved. That I didn't even deserve to be loved. But you didn't have the decency to tell me that it was because our parents blamed me for the death of the son they actually wanted. Why? How could you keep that from me?" Buck knew he said he didn't want to yell anymore, but he couldn't help the rage he felt.

"I'm so sorry Buck. Our parents made me keep it a secret, it wasn't my fault." Buck laughed through his tears, and it almost scared Maddie. He knew he probably looked insane, but he didn't care anymore.

"Yeah well last time I checked you've been an adult for 17 years. You could have told me, but no, I see why it would be more beneficial for you to tell your boyfriend you haven't even been dating for a year, instead of your brother you've known your entire life." Buck chuckles, wiping his tears.

"I feel ridiculous, crying over someone who doesn't even deserve to be cried over. You watched me hurt myself every single day, just to get their attention, and you said nothing. And you Chimney. You're almost just as bad as her. Not because you also knew and didn't tell me, but because even after I told you that I was being abused just like Maddie, you tried to make it seem like it was my fault. Because you only care about Maddie. Because you're so terrified to be alone, you cling to the first person who shows you any type of affection. Following their every move, defending them even when they're in the wrong. Because while everyone else at least had the decency to leave me alone, you kept at it. Told me I was crazy, for wanting to be with the only family I've ever had." Once again, Chim gets defensive, stepping up in front of Maddie.

"So I'm suddenly a horrible person for defending my girlfriend? At least I have someone who loves me. Everyone finally forgave you and you're just gonna push them away, then complain that you're alone, and have no family."

"Maybe because I've been told my entire life that I don't deserve it. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done with you and your bullshit. You too Maddie, I can't deal with you anymore, just get out." Chimney scoffs, while Maddie pleads.

"Buck, please don't do this. I said I was sorry." Buck turns his head to face away from Maddie and Chim.

"Sorry doesn't erase years of abuse. You, of all people, should know that." Maddie tries to catch Buck's gaze, but he doesn't falter. Head staring at the wall beside him.

"You're not even going to look at me?" Buck hesitates for a moment, willing the tears in his eyes to go away.

"I don't ever want to see either of you again." Chimney puts his hand on Maddie's shoulder, trying to pull her back.

"Come on Maddie. He clearly doesn't care about you. It's better this way." Chimney couldn't be more wrong. Of course Buck cares about Maddie. He loves her. That's why this hurts so much. But eventually Maddie lets Chim pull her away. Looking at Buck one last time before turning her back. It's only a few seconds later when she hears the machine beep faster, and louder. Quickly turning around, she sees Buck's eyes roll to the back of his head as his body seizes.

"Oh god." She runs out into the hall, Chim following shortly after, yelling for the doctor. After a few seconds, she hears the doctor call for a code blue, stopping Maddie from entering the room again as a bunch of other doctors crowd around Buck's bed. They shut the door soon after that, blocking Maddie's vision of her brother. After a few seconds, a nurse guides her to the waiting room. Promising she'd come and get her when they had more news. When Maddie walks over, Jamie instantly stands up, recognizing something was wrong.

"What happened, is Buck okay?" She slowly shakes her head.

"I don't know. He coded just as we were about to leave."

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Just like the night before, the entire 118 sat in the waiting room. It was silent. You could barely hear anyone breathing. Which made sense since everyone felt like they were holding their breath. Not wanting to let it go until they knew Buck was okay. They all sat in a line, directly beside each other.

First was Jamie. He felt terrified he might lose his best friend. He wasn't really that religious, but he constantly found himself praying for Buck. To whom he didn't even know. But regardless of the lack of knowledge, he still prayed. Hoping whoever was in control up there wouldn't take his friend away.

Beside him was Eddie. Pursed lips and a head full of guilt and desperation. If Eddie knew the last time he hugged Buck would be the last time, he would have clung to him for longer. He spent all these months, wallowing in self pity, pretending he was angry at Buck when really he was angry at himself. He wished it was easier to admit his feelings out loud. Buck always cared for people so loudly, and Eddie was always secretly jealous of that. Because if he had put his hatred of the world aside, he would still have his best friend. He wouldn't have wasted all those months wishing Buck was with him, because he would have been.

Beside Eddie was Hen and Karen. While Hen felt guilty, wishing she would have just picked up the phone and been there for her best friend, Karen felt like she hadn't been there enough. She knew realistically that there was nothing more she could have done for Buck. But there was still a voice in the back of her mind telling her she failed him. Hen tried to remember the last conversation she had with Buck before everything went to shit. Before she ignored him for months, but she can't seem to remember. Which makes the guilt eat at her even more.

Bobby and Athena were beside them. For months Athena had listened to Bobby lie to himself. Making up different excuses about the reason he was mad at Buck. Eventually having to call him out on his bullshit. But by the time he got his head out of his ass it was too late. Bobby thought it had been too long, and that apologizing would be useless. To be honest, Athena had called Buck a few times during those months. She never told Bobby, knowing how he would react. But she missed the boy. She even invited him over for dinner a few times when she knew Bobby was going to be out, but he always declined.

Then came Maddie and Chimney. Chim had tried to convince Maddie to go home with him, but she refused. She knows Buck told her to leave. But she tried to hold onto the hope that he didn't really mean it. That he was just angry and he'd get over it eventually. Chim refused to leave Maddie here alone. Even though he was still angry at Buck for hurting Maddie, he still wanted to be there for her.

It's a few hours later when Dr. Lyra walks over with a sour face. Everyone stands up, expecting the worst but hoping for the best.

"Buck is alive, but unfortunately suffered from a seizure that put him into a coma. We put him on life support, and we're gonna do everything we can. But eventually if he doesn't get any better we'll need to talk to his next of kin to discuss other options." Eddie feels his heart drop. He doesn't take his eyes away from the doctor though.

"Other options?" The doctor frowns, wishing she could have brought better news.

"If he doesn't get any better, taking him off life support would be the other option." This time Hen speaks up.

"Isn't there anything else you can do? Surgery? Something that could help him?" Dr. Lyra hesitates.

"Technically there's a surgery that might work. But because of where the tumors are placed, it would be a very difficult procedure. There's a %50 chance he could die on the table. And even if he does manage to pull through, we wouldn't be able to get all of it." Eddie closes his eyes, finally turning his head away. His heart felt like it was weighing him down. He just told Christopher this morning that he would be able to see Buck soon. He was so excited, since he hasn't seen him for months. It was the longest they've been apart since they met, and now there was a good chance Buck would die. He would never be able to see his Buck smile at him. Or help him build legos that looked like nothing. Buck would never be able to pick up his superman again. But before Eddie could have a full on meltdown, Maddie speaks up.

"Who's his next of Kin?" Maddie thought it would be her. I mean she was the only blood family Buck had who lived here. But she felt her heart drop when Dr. Lyra didn't say her name.

"Is there an Eddie Diaz here?”

Chapter Text

Eddie sits on the uncomfortable hospital chair, his back facing the door, as he watches the lights flicker slightly. Almost like it couldn't decide whether to be on or off. That's kinda how Eddie feels right now. If Buck doesn't get better, he has to make a decision. On or off. Alive or dead. If Eddie decides to be off. To pull the plug. Buck could move on. Maybe go to a place with people who could care for him, in a way that Eddie wanted to but never could. But if he doesn't. If he decides to be on. Where does that leave Buck? Slowly dying in pain for the foreseeable future. He wouldn't be alive or dead. He'd just be there. Then there's also the surgery. Just because it was risky doesn't mean it was off the table. Buck uses life and death like a jump rope almost everyday. Always lingering off the cliff, and most of the time it's for somebody else. He always makes it out alive. But this time is different. This time Buck is helpless. Lying in a comatose state with nothing to hold onto. Now that's Eddie's job. Dangling over the cliff desperately clinging onto Buck's arm, and Eddie has to decide whether or not to let go. No guide, no instructions. Only instinct.

Chimney had taken Maddie home. And Hen and Karen, had to leave as well. They promised Denny they'd be home with him tonight. That leaves Bobby, Athena, Jamie, and Eddie still at the hospital. Eddie didn't know where they were. He hasn't left Bucks side, since the doctor told them the news. He wanted to hold his hand. He wanted to make up for not being there for him for months. Buck would probably never know. But Eddie decided against it. When Eddie finally holds Buck's hand, he wants it to be because Buck wanted him to. Not like this. Eddie doesn't know why he has the urge to run his hands through Buck's hair. It was a lot more curly since he's been in the hospital. 

Eddie hadn't realized anyone entered the room until they sat down, on the other side of the bed. He looks up to see Bobby.

"Jamie said he was stepping out for a bit but that he'll be back later." Eddie just nods his head silently.

"You know the last conversation I had with Buck, before everything with the lawsuit happened?" Bobby's voice is quiet, a bit louder than a whisper. Like Bobby was pretending Buck was just sleeping and he didn't want to wake him. Eddie shakes his head at the question. Buck never talked about the push that got him to go through with the lawsuit.

"Me and Athena invited him over for dinner. He was so excited to get back to work. I watched him work so hard everyday for six months to get back. Even when he should have taken breaks he never did. He was so set on doing whatever it took to become a firefighter again. I never even asked why it was so important to him. He told me yesterday that it was because it was the only thing he's ever done that he was actually good at. He mattered when he was helping people. That's all he's ever tried to do, and I took that away from him. Even after he filed the lawsuit, and he came back to work, I could have asked him why. Maybe it would have changed what might have been his last month's. His last moments on earth, and he was miserable for almost all of it. And it was my fault." Eddie never took his gaze off of Buck. He felt like all he's been doing these past few days was trying not to cry. He knows he doesn't deserve to do it after how he treated Buck. Bobby wouldn't allow himself to cry either. The only time was when he had his conversation with Buck. But other than that, he's kept his tears locked away. Throwing them in a safe, and leaving it to drown at sea. He didn't deserve to cry.

"It wasn't just your fault. It was mine too. One of our last conversations was after the tsunami. Christopher told me everything Buck did for him, how they played games to keep him distracted from how hungry he was. Chris said he wanted to be like Buck when he was older, because even after nearly drowning to death in a tsunami, he never stopped helping people. Even when they got separated, all Chris wanted to know was that Buck was okay." Eddie closes his eyes, trying to stop the tears from leaking out. After everything Buck did for his son, Eddie repaid him by neglecting him for months.

"Buck told me he lost Chris when it was still light out, but by the time he was found it was well past dark. Which means Buck walked for hours to find Chris, even when he was injured, and bleeding out because of the stupid blood thinners. I have never been more grateful for Buck than I was at that moment. I told him that he was the person I trusted most in this world. Now I'm trying to remember when all that changed. When I stopped believing in him." Bobby didn't speak again, taking in Eddie's words. 

   Hours pass by before Bobby and Athena finally head home. Carla told Eddie she'd watch Christopher that night, so he didn't have to worry. Jamie had been gone for a while before he finally entered the room. When Eddie looked up, he saw an object in his hand. Eddie started thinking about when it was okay to bring your friends flowers, and it be totally platonic. Maybe he'll have to take notes. He watches as Jamie removes the red roses from the vase, setting them aside carefully, before replacing it with a blue tulip.

"I was taking a walk when I passed these in the flower shop. I always see you staring at the one in the picture, in the Chemo room as you like to call it. Figured it was your favorite flower." Jamie takes a seat on the other side of the bed. He quickly glances over at Eddie, before his eyes fall back to the comatose Buck.

"How are you doing?" Eddie perks his head up, confused at the question.

"What?" Eyes still trained on Buck, Jamie repeats the question.

"I asked how you were doing? What part of that question confuses you?" Eddie shakes his head, his gaze going back down to Buck.

"No it's just. I'm confused why you're asking it. Thought you would hate me." Jamie shrugs, reaching over to adjust the flower in the vase, before his eyes go back to Buck's figure.

"I don't hate you. I just don't like you. But for some reason even after everything you did, Buck still thought you were worth talking about. So I figured I should try to at least be civil." Eddie doesn't know how to respond to that. Anything he says will just make the guilt and self hatred attack him even more.

"Just a little confused. But otherwise fine."

"Still hung up on the question?" Eddie shakes his head and sighs.

"No about Buck. It made sense before why he made me his next of kin. I mean he didn't know if Maddie would actually stick around, and we were really close. But then the lawsuit happened and I basically forgot how to be a decent human being. I screwed up so badly that he should hate me. He found out about the cancer months ago. That was plenty of time to change it, to you even. You were his only friend for those months, but he didn't. I just don't know why." Jamie doesn't know why either to be honest. He doesn't know what's so special about Eddie Diaz. To be honest he's a little jealous.

"I don't think Buck could hate you, even if he wanted to. The reason he was so hurt is because he doesn't hate you. But he chose you for a reason. The same reason he never changed it even after what you did. He knew that even if you guys were still fighting, you'd make the right choice. Because you know him. And you know what he would want. Even if it's not the same thing you want." Eddie spends the rest of the night thinking about those words. It doesn't confuse him any less. How could Buck not hate him?

    "To be honest I'm kind of jealous of you." This confuses Eddie. What would Jamie have to be jealous about? 

   "Why? You'd really rather be in my place? I'd give anything to be in your place actually." 

   "I'm not jealous because of your place in his life. I'm jealous because of the way he speaks about you. You could do the worst thing in the world and he would praise you for it. You know how many times I had to hear about your silver star?" Eddie doesn't know whether to be happy Buck was taking about him, or embarrassed. 

   "He told you about that?" Eddie almost grimaces. 

   "Yea he did. But most of all, he talked about how good of a father you are." There it was. The enormous amount of guilt flooding through his body. He doesn't deserve Buck. Honestly he wouldn't blame Buck if he never forgave him. 

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A week passes and Buck is still in bed. Completely unaware of the rest of the world. He hasn't gotten any better. But it hasn't gotten worse. Eddie doesn't believe in signs or fate, but he's gonna hold onto the hope that the reason Buck is still hanging on is because he's fighting. Maddie and Chim have barely come by. But everyone else was there everyday. Bobby came by the day after his talk with Eddie, with rosary beads. They stayed glued to his hands for the rest of the week. He had convinced himself that's why Buck was still alive. Clinging onto any form of life he could.

Athena stuck by his side, making coffee runs for everyone every morning. Hen would come by when she wasn't working, and when Denny had school, Karen would come by to read to Buck. She let him borrow the Maze Runner books. She knew Buck hated reading despite actually liking the storyline. He claimed it would be easier to just watch the movies, but Karen had convinced him the books were better. She could tell he enjoyed it, despite him not wanting to admit it.

Eddie had thought about bringing Chris to see Buck, but he didn't want his son to see Buck like this. He couldn't bear to tell Chris that Buck was dying. That he might not come back this time. Everytime Eddie went home Chris would be waiting there. Always asking the same question. When he would be able to see Buck. Eddie always told him the same thing. 'Buck is resting, but you'll be able to see him soon.' Eddie hated lying to him. But he couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud. That Buck was dying. But he had no choice when Dr. Lyra came by and told him he should start thinking of a decision soon.

He asked about the surgery again. He knew the chance of Buck surviving were slim, but he didn't want to let Buck go. He knew it was selfish. But if he ever wanted to make it up to Buck, he had to be alive.

"Mr. Diaz, I want you to think about this a little bit. The surgery is really complicated. He has a %50 percent chance of dying before he even makes it off the table. And even if it does work, he'll still have to go through more months of chemo. He'll be in a lot of pain." Eddie sighs, shaking his head in frustration.

"So you really have no good ideas do you?" Dr. Lyra smiles sympathetically. She hates giving news like this. Even though she's done it a lot, it doesn't make it any easier.

"I'm sorry I can't offer you any better." She walks away, leaving Eddie standing helplessly in the hall. The light still flickering, just enough to annoy him. Just enough to remind him that Bucks life was now in his hands. 

Later that day he's home with Chris. He attempted to make them both pasta, but the noodles were so undercooked you could hear it crunch when you took a bite. Leaving Chris to say he wouldn't even feed that to a homeless dog. Sometimes Eddie forgets how much his son is like him until he says stuff like that. They end up ordering pizza, and watching Finding Nemo while they eat. Half way through the movie Chris speaks up.

"When can I see Buck?" Eddie sighs. He's heard his son ask him that everyday for a week. His response is always the same.

"Soon buddy, I promise." Chris sighs annoyed at the repetitive answer.

"You say that every time, and I never get any closer to seeing him." Chris angrily crosses his arms. It breaks Eddie's heart so much he finally decides to give in.

"The truth is Chris, is that Buck is really.... Sick." He chooses his words carefully. Cancer isn't exactly the easiest thing to explain to a child.

"He's still in the hospital resting. He looks really ill, I just don't want you to.... Have to see him like that." He says the words slowly, hoping that Chris understands.

"But Buck has seen me when I was sick. I got better in a few days. So does that mean I can see him in a few days then?" However hard Eddie imagined this would be, it was 10 times harder.

"Buck is.... Well he's a lot more sick than you were. He.... Might not make it. There's nothing much the doctors can do to help him." Chris frowns looking down. His little brain is trying to wrap around all the information.

"So he could die? Like mom?" Eddie knows it's physically impossible for your heart to shatter into a million pieces, but this was pretty damn close.

"Yea.... But the doctors are doing what they can to help him get better. If you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer them." Chris thinks, before looking up at his father with the most puppy dog eyes he's ever seen. Something he's sure he got from Buck.

"The doctors can't do anything to help?" Eddie sighs. He goes to say no, but he promised himself he wasn't going to lie to Chris anymore. No matter how hard it was for him to get the truth out.

"Well, there's a surgery they could do to help him. But it might not work. There's a 50 percent chance he won't make it through the surgery. And that's... That's a really big number." Eddie tries to explain it as best he can, without going into too much detail.

"But if there's a %50 chance he won't make it, doesn't that also mean there's a %50 chance he will?" Eddie smiles at the fact that Chris could always find positives even in negative situations. He almost envies it.

"When did you get to be so smart?" Chris smiles, that adorable toothy smile everyone loves.

"It was part of my homework Buck helped me with one time." Eddie smiles. Of course Buck would take time out of his day to help a child that wasn't even his with his homework.

"It's a bit more complicated than that buddy." Chris furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

"But you just said %50 was a big number. That means there's a big chance Buck can make it." Eddie smiles, and brings his head closer to Chris, which makes Chris smile even more.

"How did I get so lucky to have a kid like you?"

"You raised me, you should take some credit for how awesome I turned out." Eddie snorts and brings Chris into his arms. Even though he hasn't seen Buck for months, he still finds a way to sound exactly like him. A few seconds later Eddie's phone rings. He pulls apart from Chris, taking it out of his pocket, his heart dropping when he reads the name across the screen.

It was the hospital.

Chapter Text

Eddie had a hard time trying to wrap his head around the words. It doesn't feel real. When he got the call from the hospital, he immediately called Carla. She wasn't able to watch Christopher again, so Eddie had to take him to the hospital with him. So here they are, the 118 standing in the waiting room once again as Dr. Lyra explains.

"We found another way." Eddie almost doesn't believe it. He's waited a week to hear those words, and when he finally did, he didn't know if he could trust it.

"Another way? What does that mean? Is it another surgery?" Bobby's voice waivers slightly.

"It's the same surgery, but we can take a different approach. We can go in at a different angle. If we do it that way we could get more of the tumors. He wouldn't have to go through as much chemo, and his recovery would be faster." It sounds too good to be true. Eddie waits a few moments before speaking, not sure if he'll be able to trust his voice.

"Would it be less risky?"

"The surgery itself, is a little more risky. But if we succeed, there's a higher chance he'll survive after. The outcome and healing process would be better than the other surgery." Eddie can feel everyone's eyes on him, but he doesn't pay any of them attention.

"If you succeed. He could still die in surgery?" Dr. Lyra nods her head slightly.

"I know it's a big decision so take your time." When she walks away Eddie sits down in the chair and rubs his hands over his face. Hen speaks up after a moment.

"What are you going to decide?" Eddie shakes his head. He has no idea what to do. He's trying to think of what Buck would want, but the problem is, Buck has changed a lot since they were last friends. What if Eddie chooses to do the surgery and it works, but Buck hates him for making him go through more pain after.

"I have no idea. I just need time to think." Chimney scoffs.

"You don't have a lot of time Eddie. What if he dies because you took too long to make a decision?" Hen stands up to face Chimney, who was sitting in the chair next to her.

"What is your problem? Why do you keep trying to start fights with everyone?" Chimney stands up as well, everyone following shortly after.

"So suddenly I'm a horrible person for not wanting Buck to die? Besides Eddie, you shouldn't even be making the decision." Eddie narrows his eyebrows, taking a step forward so he's in front of Chimney.

"Is that so?" Chim takes a step forward as well.

"Yeah it is. It shouldn't be you it should be Maddie. She's his blood family so it should be her decision. He probably forgot to change it, I mean you guys barely spoke for months, how would you know what he wants?" Eddie shakes his head, taking a step back and turning away, just for a moment to collect himself. Everyone else stood silently, praying they wouldn't get kicked out of the hospital. A few moments later, Eddie turns back around to face chim, keeping a little more distance this time.

"I don't know. Your probably right. There's a very good possibility he forgot to change it. He might not of even remembered he put me down. But he did. He trusted me before. He trusted me to know what he would want. I already let him down once so I need time to think so I don't do it again." Eddie takes a deep breath before sitting back down in his chair. If he's being honest he forgot Chris was with him. He silently curses, feeling guilty for arguing with Chim in front of him.

"I'm sorry Chris, I didn't mean to yell in front of you." Chris smiles sympathetically.

"It's okay dad. You need to let out your feelings too." Eddie looks down at his son in amazement. He really is awesome.

"Thank you buddy." He pulls Chris into his side, resting his chin on top of his head. He closes his eyes for a moment, just wanting to be in the moment with his kid.

"I think you should leave Chimney." It was Bobby who spoke up this time after being quiet throughout the whole fight.

"What?"

"You should leave. Your only stressing everyone out more, and it someone yells one more time I'm pretty sure we'll all get kicked out, so go." Chimney scoffs, taking a step closer to Maddie, who was also silent.

"I'm not leaving, Maddie needs me. So if she's staying, I'm staying." Finally Maddie speaks up, her voice quiet and timid.

"I think we should both leave." Chim looks down to her in confusion.

"What? Don't let them make you feel like you have to go Maddie. He's your brother, you should be here." Maddie shakes her head, taking a step away from her boyfriend.

"No but he doesn't even want me here. You heard what he said in that room. He never wants to see me again. He'll be mad if he finds out I didn't leave after he asked me to." Chimney rolls his eyes.

"If he lives." Maddie grabs onto his shoulders, her hands firm.

"Please Chim. Let's just go. If he wants to see me when this is all over I'll be here in a heartbeat. But for now I should respect his wishes." Without giving him a chance to argue again, she takes her purse that was set on the chair, she starts to walk to the exit. Chim follows her reluctantly.

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An hour later everyone starts to head home. Eddie informed Dr. Lyra that he'll have an answer for her tomorrow. It was way past Christopher's bedtime, Eddie figured that out when he fell asleep on the car ride home. When they get there, Eddie takes Chris in his arms, carefully watching his head so he doesn't accidentally hit it on anything. He makes it all the way to his bed succesfully with no bumps or bruises. The next morning Eddie makes Chris some eggs, to which he accidentally scrambled, but if Chris asks it was intentional. While their eating Chris speaks up for the first time all morning.

"I want to make Buck a get well card." Eddie smiles, he still hasn't come up with an answer, despite staying up all night thinking about it.

"I think that's a great idea Chris." Chris smiles back, going back to his eggs to take a bite. He goes to say something else before Eddie gives him a look to finish chewing first. Once he's done then he speaks up.

"Can I come to the hospital today?" Eddie sighs, not wanting to tell his son no, but he hasn't made a decision yet.

"I haven't made a decision yet Chris." He tilts his head in confusion.

"You don't want him to have the surgery? But the doctor said it would help him become better." Eddie gets up from his chair across from Chris to sit beside him.

"The surgery is really risky. Even more so than the original plan. I just want to think everything through. Make sure I make the right decision." Chris nods his head in understanding.

"When we were on the firetruck in the tsunami, Buck kept telling me he was scared he would let you down. For some reason he thought it was his fault for taking me to the pier even though he had no way of knowing what was going to happen." Eddie listens to Chris talk. He's never talked too much about what happened that day, only a few times in the beginning, after it first happened. 

"I think Buck chose you for a reason. Him being scared of letting you down, didn't stop him from doing the right thing. He still saved me. And no matter what happened you never would have thought he let you down right?" Eddie smiles softly, shaking his head.

"No of course not."

"You're scared to let him down, but I think no matter what you chose, he wouldn't have regretted his decision in trusting you. Besides if you do nothing he'll die anyways." Eddie leans down to hug Chris, rubbing his back gently.

"How did you become so smart?" He feels Chris smile against his shoulder.

"I learned from the best." Eddie sighs in content, resting his chin on Chris' head.

"Thank you. I really needed to hear that." Chris pulls back with a cheeky smile.

"Not you. I was talking about Buck." Eddie puts a hand over his heart and gasps in shock.

"Rude. Now eat the rest of your eggs before they get cold." Eddie kisses the top of his son's head before going to sit back down across from him. Once their done, Eddie packs some things for Chris. He had a feeling they'd be at the hospital for a while, and he wanted to be prepared. Before he left he texted the group chat to tell everyone to meet him at the hospital. Thinking back, he probably should have explained why, because when he got to the hospital, his phone was blown up with panicked texts. By the time he reassures everyone that Buck is fine, they were walking through the doors. Seconds later Dr. Lyra spots them and walks over.

"Have you made a decision yet?" Eddie hesitates, looking towards Chris, after getting a reassuring smile he looks up towards the doctor.

"Yeah I have. I want you to do the surgery." Dr. Lyra nods and smiles.

"Okay, I'll book an OR and schedule him for surgery. We'll have someone come and update you every once in a while. I was just about to call Jamie, is he not here?" Eddie curses slightly, forgetting none of them have his number, so they couldn't contact him.

"Crap that's right. Uh we don't have his number, so we couldn't call him. Is something wrong?" Dr. Lyra shakes her head.

"No, we have great news actually. He's been at the top of the list for a bone marrow transplant for months and we finally got someone who's willing to donate." Before anyone could say anything, another doctor runs into the room.

"Dr. Lyra, Mr. Buckley's vitals are plummeting. Do we have an answer yet?" Everyone's panicked eyes shoot to the other doctor.

"Yes, we're doing the surgery, prep an OR immediately, I have to make a call and then I'll meet you there." The male doctor nods before running back through the doors. Dr. Lyra goes behind the receptionist desk and dials Jamie's phone number. Eddie watches anxiety, after a few moments, she curses, looking down at the phone before dialing again. Eddie walks up to her as she hangs up the phone.

"What's going on?" She looks up startled before speaking.

"Jamie isn't answering but I need to get a hold of him so I can get his consent to schedule him in for the transplant." Eddie thinks, before coming up with a solution.

"You have his address on file right?" She nods her head, and sighs.

"Yeah but I don't have time to go knocking at his door right now."

"You could give it to me and I'll go check in him." Dr. Lyra looks skeptical, before finally nodding. Something could be wrong and she doesn't have time to argue.

"Okay fine. Once you guys get back here, tell the front desk and she'll have someone schedule it." She gives Eddie the address before rushing through the doors. He walks back over to everyone else, to let them know what's going on.

"I'm going to get Jamie, but text me if they give you any updates." He waits for the okay before leaving. He types in the address on Google maps before taking off, only speeding a little bit before he finally makes it to Jamie's house. He walks up to the door before knocking loudly.

"Jamie open up it's Eddie!" He waits 5 seconds, after he doesn't get a response he knocks again.

"Jamie? Are you there?" He waits another few seconds. It's still silent which increases Eddie's worry.

"Jamie?" He speaks more softly, looking through the window beside the door to see if he could see anything inside. His eyes quickly scan over the living room, and he almost doesn't notice it. He looks back again, and feels his heart drop. There lies Jamie on the floor. Unmoving. That's all it takes for Eddie to kick down the door and rush over to him. He checks for a pulse, calling out his name repeatedly, trying to wake him up, but getting no response. He quickly pulls out his phone to call 911. Much to his luck, Maddie is on the other line. He stays professional though, not wasting time arguing when Jamie was nearly dead. His pulse was weak but there. After the paramedics shows up, they rushed him to the hospital, Eddie following close behind.

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An hour later, Eddie is back with the 118 in the waiting room. Buck and Jamie were still in surgery. Eddie assumes Jamie was alive still as no one had come out to tell them otherwise. Around 20 minutes later an older women, probably in her late 40's or early 50's walks through the door to the entrance. Eddie watches as she walks into the front desk, and he faintly hears her ask for Jamie. Quickly, Eddie walks over, slowing down when he got close.

"You're looking for Jamie?" The women turns around to face Eddie confused.

"Yeah, I'm Florence, and he's my nefew. Who are you?" There's no anger or judgement in her voice. Just curiousity.

"Um, I'm kind of a friend. He's friends with someone I'm friends with. His name is Buck, but he's in surgery right now. I went over to Jamie's house to tell him about the transplant, but he was unconscious so I called 911. Sorry I kinda knocked down your door." Before Eddie can think, he feels her arms wrap around him. He jumps in surprise, not expecting the physical touch.

"Thank you so much! Don't worry about the door, I won't charge you or anything. I'm just glad you were there. You saved his life!" They pull apart, and Eddie relaxes when he sees her warm smile.

"Would you like to sit with me and my friends?" Florence nods her head kindly before she follows Eddie to the seats where everyone else was waiting.

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Another hour goes by before another doctor comes out.

"Family of Jamie Lawrence?" His aunt stands up letting the doctor come to her.

"Hi I'm Dr. Pierce. We were able to get Jamie's vitals up before the transplant. He seems to have taken it well. He's resting now and will take several weeks to complete, but with the help of chemo, we are positive he will make a full recovery." Florence gasps in relief.

"Oh thank you so much! Can I see him?" Dr. Pierce smiles softly and nods his head. Before she can leave Eddie speaks up.

"I'm glad Jamie will be okay." She smiles sympathetically.

"Me too. And I hope your friend will be okay. I'll pray for him." Eddie nods his head, and finds himself praying for Buck too.

Chapter Text

Night creeps in through the window in Buck's hospital room. The moonlight glistening off his face. He lies still. Unmoving. His chest rising and falling softly. All that could be heard were the footsteps outside the closed door, and the beeping of the machine, letting Eddie know that Buck was still hanging on. Dangling off the cliff, Eddie refuses to let go of. Everything is quiet. Erie almost. Nothing to do but stare at the white walls. The longer you do the more closed in you feel. Almost like it's mocking you for having hope. Everyday people have to say goodbye to loved ones in this very hospital. Eddie silently prays he won't be one of them. So he sits beside Buck. Waiting for him to open his eyes, so that the walls can stop taunting him. He doesn't though. His eyes remain closed. Completely unaware of what was going on in the outside world.

He stares at Bucks hand. Wanting nothing more than to reach out and grab onto it. Tracing the dry skin, as he tries to remember why he ever let go. Why had he let things get so bad between them? Why did he let it go so far? Everytime he thinks of what he did, he gets sick to his stomach. The feeling of guilt, clinging to all 206 bones in his body. He welcomed it. He deserves to feel guilty. He deserves to be in just as much pain as Buck if not more. But he can't take his pain. He can't do anything besides stare at the hand he wishes he could grab.

Buck had gotten out of surgery a few hours ago. Eddie didn't know what Buck would look like, so to not traumatize his child even more, he sent him with Bobby and Athena. They were more than happy to watch Christopher for the night while Eddie stayed by Buck's beside, pathetically hopeful. They promised to bring him by in the morning, and that was good enough for Eddie. Feeling a little bit of weight lift off of him.

Jamie woke up a while ago. He's resting but pleased to know that he didn't have to worry so much about dying. Eddie hadn't gone to see him. He was scared if he left Buck, he would flatline again, and this time the doctors wouldn't be able to bring him back. Dr. Lyra had told Eddie Buck coded a few times during surgery. They almost stopped, not knowing if Buck's body could handle it. But he managed to pull through. They got nearly all of it, but they won't be able to tell if there was any permanent damage to the brain until after he wakes up. Eddie felt like all he had been doing for over a week was waiting. It was driving him crazy.

Nurses come and go. Checking vitals to make sure everything was good. Finally he got tired of waiting with no answers, so when the nurse came in again Eddie asks the question that's been killing him ever since he got out of surgery.

"Do you know when he'll wake up?" The nurse who was known as Tammy looked to Eddie for a moment before going back to her task.

"Unfortunately not. Sometimes it takes hours, but because of how weak his body is, it could take up to days." Days? Eddie didn't know how he was going to last days.

"But when he finally does wake up, he'll be mostly cancer free? She Dr. Lyra said he won't have to do Chemo for as long if it worked." The nurse doesn't really know much about the surgery. Her job was to just check his vitals and report back the the doctor if anything seemed unusual.

"Um, I don't really know too much about surgery, I'm just a nurse. I can get Dr. Lyra to answer your questions?" Eddie shakes his head. It was already so late at night. Or really early in the morning, depending on how you look at it. He'd just ask her the next morning, at a reasonable hour.

"No no, it's okay. I'll just ask her in the morning." Nurse Tammy nods her head kindly before walking to the door.

"Wait. I do have one more question." When she turns back around, Eddie takes that as his que to continue.

"If I talked to him. Would he be able to hear me?" She hears this question all the time. And the simple answer is. She doesn't know.

"Sometimes when coma patients wake up, they tell their loved ones they could hear them. Others, don't hear anything at all. We never know for sure until they wake up. But from my personal experience, I find patients wake up faster if they have someone talking to them. Even if he can't hear you. His subconscious is very well aware." Eddie watches as she leaves the room. He turns back to Buck, trying to figure out what to say. He finds himself opening and closing his mouth a few times, before deciding he was just gonna say what comes to mind.

"Hey Buck. It's Eddie...... I don't know if you can even hear me right now or if you even want me here..... But I'm not leaving." Eddie goes to take Bucks hand in his before he stops himself. Slowly retracting his hand before continuing.

"I know, you have no reason to believe me, so you'll just have to wait and see." Eddie pauses, thinking of what to say next before speaking up.

"Chris finally talked to me about what happened during the tsunami. He told me that you were worried you were gonna let me down. That you were gonna fail me. But you didn't Buck. You could never let me down. I was the one who let you down. When you needed someone on your side, I turned the other way. And I wish with everything in me that I could take it back.... But I can't. All I can do now is try and make it up to you. And I will try.... However long it takes." It's silent for a few moments before a voice interrupts his thoughts.

"He must be a pretty great friend. You two must be close?" Eddie jumps startled, turning around to see Florence, Jamie's aunt, walk through the door. He wasn't expecting to see her if he's being honest. He's not even that close to Jamie.

"Uh, yea. Well we-we were close. He was my best friend until I ruined everything." She comes to sit down on the chair across from Eddie, smiling down at Buck for a moment before looking up.

"You know, Jamie talks about him a lot." Eddie looks up in surprise. Then he starts feeling something he doesn't know quite how to place.

"He does?" She nods.

"Yeah. He said that Buck talked about you guys a lot, and that even though he thought you guys didn't deserve his forgiveness, he still wished you guys could be a family again." Eddie didn't really know what to say. Why would Jamie wish that?

"Why would he want that? I'm pretty sure he hates us all, he should want us to be as far away from Buck as possible."

"Buck was the first friend Jamie ever had that he felt actually understood him and he knew that Buck felt that way about you guys. Jamie has lost a lot, but he was willing to to lose Buck if it meant he could have his family back." Eddie shakes his head, eyes still roaming over every inch of Buck's face.

"Buck isn't one to leave people behind. He knows how that feels more than anyone. When this is all over and their both cancer free, I %100 know that Buck will still want to be friends with Jamie. He was there for him when all of us weren't. There's no way he's going to forget that." Florence smiles.

"You should tell Jamie that little speech. I'm sure he could use it." Eddie frowns and shakes his head.

"I didn't really give him a good first impression. I don't think Jamie would want to hear what I have to say. I was horrible to Buck." Florence shrugs nonchalantly.

"Maybe. But just because people do bad things sometimes doesn't make them bad people." Eddie scoffs. He didn't think anything could be more of a lie

"I think that's what makes people do bad things. People don't just switch up one day and decide to be a horrible person and abandon their best friend."

"Then why do you? You really think your a horrible person?" Eddie sighs. He doesn't even know anymore.

"Life is full of mistakes, that's what makes it interesting. But it's the guilt and the urge to make up for it that makes you good. As long as you have both, then no one can tell you your a bad person." He thinks over the words for a few minutes. He still feels like a horrible person, but not as much as before.

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It's been about two days, and so far everyone has come to see Buck, except for Maddie and Chim. They haven't shown up since Bobby kicked Chimney out. Eddie talked to Buck every chance he got. Telling him that he was going to be waiting for him when he woke up. It was that morning that Eddie finally brought Christopher by. Eddie let Chris take the chair while he stood behind him, hands laying on his shoulders lightly.

"Can he hear me?" Eddie remembers himself asking that question a few days prior. He wants to give his son as much hope as he could.

"Maybe. The only way you'll find out is if you talk to him. Then he can tell you himself when he wakes up." Christopher smiles, and looks back down to Buck.

"Hi Buck, it's Christopher in case you can't tell by my voice. I made you a card, you can see it when you wake up. I think you'll like it." Eddie watches his son fondly, but what he says next breaks his heart.

"I miss you. I wish I could have seen you more before, to take care of you, like you took care of me. Maybe you wouldn't have gotten this bad." Eddie closes his eyes, his grip tightening on Christopher just a little bit, as the guilt creeps back in. Christopher goes on to ramble about all he missed, and what happened in school, but Eddie makes a note to talk to Christopher after to let him know it wasn't his fault.

"Chris, I have to use the bathroom which is just down the hall, will you be okay here for a minute?" His son nods, before going back to telling his story about his class pet. Gary the goldfish. Before Eddie can make it out the door he hears Christopher gasp. He quickly turns around, to meet his gaze.

"Dad! Dad! He moved his hand." Eddie quickly walks over to Buck, his eyes furrow in confusion. He carefully watches Bucks hand, and sure enough a few seconds later he sees his hand move just a little bit. Then a few seconds later it moves even more. Quickly he presses the button on the wall to get the doctor. When he looks back towards Buck he sees his eyes flicker open, shutting his eyes quickly after from the bright light. But a few moments later he carefully opens his eyes, turning his head, and the first thing his eyes focus on his the blue tulip, sitting in the vase on the side table next to him. Letting him know he was still alive. Once his hearing comes adjusts, he can focus on the small voice trying to get his attention. Buck looks over, not recognizing who it was for a moment, before something in his mind flipped, and a smile creeps up on his face. He wishes he weren't so weak, otherwise he'd reach out and hug the little guy. His Superman.

"Christopher." His voice is weak and croaky from the lack of water, it hurt to say anything, but he didn't care. If it wasn't for the shadow casting over his bed, he wouldn't have noticed anyone else in the room. Buck turns his head away from the boy, to come face to face with Eddie. Relief carved into his features. Neither of them said anything. And neither of them got the chance. Dr. Lyra runs into the room, before she stops and smiles at the sight of a very awake Buck. Eddie didn't want to leave the room, but she didn't give him much of a choice, so he takes Christopher in his arms and walks to the waiting room.

Eddie texted in the group chat, telling everyone to come to the hospital immediately. And really he should have expected everyone to be panicked when they got there. He really needs to learn to put context when he tells them stuff like that.

"He's awake."

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Once the doctor gives them the okay, Eddie heads back to the room, leaving Christopher in the waiting room with everyone else. He needs to talk to Buck alone, but he told Hen to bring him to see Buck in about 10 minutes. He figures that's enough time for a semi serious conversation. Once he gets to the room, he hesitates. What if Buck was mad at him for staying. Or for saving his life. What if Buck just wanted to rest in peace and Eddie ruined that.

"Are you gonna come in or are you just gonna linger at the door?" Eddie breaks out of his thoughts, looking up to realize that the door wasn't closed. Feeling his cheeks flush, he walks in the room.

"Sorry I was just, thinking." Buck nods, and for a few minutes no one's says anything. Eddie hadn't really thought of what he was going to say. He thought winging it like he had the first night would be a good idea. He quickly figured out it was a lot easier to do that when the other person was unconscious.

"I heard you." Eddie looks up startled. Processing what he actually said, he started to feel nervous. He didn't actually think Buck could hear him.

"You uh you did?" Buck nods, looking up at Eddie for a moment before deciding the tulip next to him was more interesting. Well not more interesting, but less awkward.

"I heard you say you were gonna be here when I woke up." That was the very first time Eddie talked to Buck.

"Honestly I didn't actually expect you to be telling the truth." Eddie didn't blame him. If it were the other way around, he probably would have thought the same.

"I know you feel really guilty about what happened. I also heard your conversation with someone who I assume was Jamie's aunt, and I don't think your a horrible person Eddie. And I don't hate you. I just don't know if I can trust you." Eddie understands, even thought it hurts, he understands. And he doesn't want to force Buck to forgive him if he isn't ready.

"I understand. And if you can't ever forgive me, I won't blame you. Honestly I would probably be a lot harsher than you right now if it were the other way around. That's what makes you a better friend than me." Buck sighs.

"Stop comparing you to me. You messed up, I get it. And I'm not saying I won't ever forgive you. I just need time. I need to know that I can trust you. And not just you but everyone. And that will take a while." Eddie nods, having to hold himself back from holding Bucks hand.

"I know, but I will spend however long it takes trying to earn your trust back. I really miss my friend." Buck finally looks towards Eddie, willing himself not to tear up. Without looking away, Buck nods.

"Me too." A few months goes by, when they do nothing but stare at each other. That's interrupted by the voice of a little super hero.

"Buck!" Buck turns his head around as fast as he could, which killed his head but it was all worth it to see the smile on Christopher's face.

"Hey Superman." Chris smiles, and runs as fast as he could towards Buck. Buck sits up slowly much to Eddie's disagreement that he should stay laying down, and wraps his arms around the boy he hasn't seen in months. He can feel Christopher smiling against his shoulder, as he digs his face into his collar bone. Buck rests his own head in top of Chris' feeling tears collect in his eyes.

"I miss you too buddy." He feels Chris' smile grow bigger.

"You heard me?" Buck smiles and leans back to lay back down.

"Of course I did." He looks behind Chris to see Hen, standing there patiently. The rest of the 118 follow soon after.

"Glad to see you not dead." Hen breaks the ice as Buck looks around. He's not surprised that he doesn't spot Chim or Maddie. He's actually kinda glad they aren't here.

"Where's Jamie?"

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Jamie lays in bed, his aunt had gone to get him some water, and he was staring aimlessly out the window. His phone ringing interrupts his thoughts. He looks down, smiling at the name that comes across the screen. He answers it, already preparing what sarcastic comment he's gonna open with.

"Well it's about damn time. What took you so long?" He hears Buck snort on the other line.

"Sorry I was a little busy dying."

"So was I, that's no excuse."

"I got you a little something as a thank you." Jamie furrows his eyebrows, about to ask what it was before he gets cut off by a nurse walking in, carrying a blue tulip. Jamie smiles, finally remembering why it was so important.

"Is that your way of telling me you're glad I'm not dying anymore." It's silent on the other end for a moment before he hears Buck reply.

"Maybe."

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Chimney had gotten fired shortly after the surgery. He tried to find a job at the other stations, but he wasn't having any luck, leaving him and Maddie to leave California. Not that Buck cared. They stayed together for about a year after that before Maddie got sick of Chimney and left. Buck wouldn't let her stay with him, and she couldn't get her old job back, causing her to have to move back with her parents.

As for the rest of the 118 they slowly regained Bucks trust back. It took a while, and Buck isn't sure if he can ever fully trust them again, but he's done living in the past.

In a way Buck was kind of glad he got cancer. People say you change after you go through something like that and they were right. Buck is a completely different person.
Cancer changed Bucks life for the better. He got his family back because of it. He even gained a friend. In a way it brought them all closer.

The 118 have a lot to work out, and it's gonna take a long while, but eventually they'll become sort of a normal version of a family again. Not the same one they had before, but one that was just as important.