Chapter Text
“Lampy, how long have I been like this?” Kasper sniffles. “I’m not sure but I know you’ll get better soon.” I know I’m lying to him, but anything to keep his spirits up. The sounds of subway trains passing echo through the tunnels. “Do you think the people on the train will see us?” Kasper glances at me with a worried expression on his face. “No, we’re hidden enough so that no one will find us, but I understand your worry Kas.” He glances at me, tilting his head to the side. “Who is Kas? I don’t remember that name.” That is what I worry about, he’s losing his memory day after day, with no cure of this “illness” that infects him. “Just an old friend, you remind me of him.” Kas chuckles. “Your friend must miss you Lampy.” I glance down at the dust covered floor. “Yeah, maybe he does…”
Hours go by, sounds of trains passing, chattering and other outside noises are the only thing keeping me sane and entertained. Kasper has fallen asleep, it’s best not to bother him. I should write something, that’s what I do during these times, it’s peaceful.
December ▉, ▉▉▉▉ “Will we see the sun, will we ever escape from this repeating loop? Will I see home, will I see peoples faces other than my own? I wish to sleep forever, cold snow covered in crimson, freezing over, warm insides, I will finally be at peace, yet I can’t leave, not like this. I have to keep going, for him, for everyone I’ve ever known, for those who hurt, for those who cry, I’m so sorry for the mistakes I’ve made. Endless loop, no exit. I will see the sun.”
I don’t write often anymore, only when it’s quiet. I shoot a quick glance at Kasper, he’s still sleeping, holding a blanket close to his chest. I smile a bit, he looks so cozy and peaceful, I’m glad he’s able to stay positive in this stressful situation. I mean everyday it feels like he’s getting worse and worse, and I can’t do anything but watch, watch as he forgets and becomes weak. I feel so upset at myself, why couldn’t it be me, I deserve his suffering, he’s too pure for this, too positive. I want to feel the decay and rot, I want it all to end. Kasper sniffles and shivers a bit. I wrap a sweater around him, hoping to keep him warm. I bury my head in my arms, stupid illness, they always take the positive ones, the peaceful ones, the ones who still have life in them.
I left Kasper alone to rest, he needs it. I left the small room that me and him were hiding in. I needed to walk around for a bit, but I didn’t want to leave the floor. So walking around isn’t really a thing I could do, so I sat on one of the benches near the subway train rails. The air is cold, but I like it. A train stops, allowing whoever was on it to get off, I’m still shocked about how the trains are still operating. A person with curly short hair walked off, they had something in their hands. They noticed me. “Oh hello! Are you waiting to catch a train?” They asked, I could feel their positive radiating from them. “No, I’m just relaxing out here.” I looked at the ground. “Oh I see, I’m looking for Pest, do you know him?” They asked. “A bit yeah, but I haven’t seen him around here.” I replied. I haven’t seen many people. “Alright, well it was nice to see you, bye-bye!” They walked on the elevator and it left before I said anything. You meet odd people on the elevator but I guess a few of them are alright.
I stood in front of the elevator for a bit, I didn’t get on it, I just watched it, open then close, empty each time. I sighed a bit, it's been lonely, I have Kasper of course but I miss seeing other people. I always wonder how they're doing. Of course I could just leave, but I don't want Kasper to be all alone. I don't know what could happen next, it's been so long since I've been in the elevator.
“Oh hey Lampy, where did you go?” Kas rubs his eyes. “I was just sitting on a bench, are you doing alright?” I obviously knew he wasn’t any better. “Not really, my head feels like it’s going to explode…hehehe…” Kas chuckled then frowned, holding his head with one hand. I frowned too, there’s nothing I can do to help and I hate myself for that. “I feel cold, are you cold?” Kasper tilts his head at me. “Yeah, a bit. It’s been cold for a few days, that’s just how winter is.” I sighed. “Oh well, it’s warmer here than out there, right?” “yeah, I guess it is.” I smile a bit, I don’t like the cold much but the temperature in the small room was just right. “Who’s singing out there?” Sometimes I forget that there’s a jukebox near the elevator entrance. “Frank Sinatra…Have yourself a merry little Christmas is the song name.” I’m not a big fan of Christmas music but I enjoy the classics, the slow and melancholy feel of them. “Do you like this song?” Kasper asks, smiling. “Yeah, I like it.” I smile a bit. “It sounds sad a bit, like he’s singing for the last Christmas at the start.” Kas frowns a bit. “You have a point, I think that’s how a lot of music is like. I like it though.” Kasper laughs a bit. “You’re funny, that’s what I like about you. We got to keep each other company I guess.” I smile a bit. He’s got a point, without him I would have…been gone by now. "Do you like Christmas Lampy?" Kas lights up. "Not much anymore, with my parents fighting and the divorce happening around this time, Christmas has always felt a bit dreadful for me." I sigh. "Oh, yeah I forgot about your parents...I wonder if my old man is worried about me." Kasper frowns a bit. "Well it's getting late, I should get some rest..." Kasper said before drifting off to sleep. I chuckled a bit, out of all the people I would want to spend an "apocalyptic" future with, it would be him.
I went back to stare at the elevator. Opening and closing, then opening again. It loops over and over, coming back with no changes. Should I get on? Maybe someone could help Kasper...but I can't leave him all alone, he needs me, I need him. I stared some more. I took two steps, placing one foot on the edge of the elevator opening, then I quickly stepped back. Flashbacks flooded my mind. What if I can't return to this floor? What if something goes wrong? What if..."I'm alone again..." I said under my breath. Memories of that day flooded my mind.
I was young, my parents had just gotten divorced, I remember my dad holding my hand, his eyes were flooded with tears, we waited patiently on the elevator, a few people got on, then left. I was a bit shy, so I hid behind my dad. Then we arrived at a department store. Music played over speakers. I was in awe, I ran over to a little display. Red, yellow and blue coloured toys and other items scattered in a neat area. My dad smiled then quickly frowned. "I'm so sorry, I never wanted this to happen." He hugged me tightly, sobbing and told me he was sorry over and over. "Never stop shining kiddo." The last thing he said before leaving. I was scared and alone, I wanted to run after him but I chose not to. It was a scary world out there. I started having nightmares, waking in a panic. No one to comfort me, no one to care. Until I grew up and I was finally able to re-enter the elevator. I saw the same people I once saw when I was young. They were grown up too. I found myself on a floor, a grassy floor. "Hello?" I called out. "H-hello? Who's there?" Someone replied, peaking their head out into the tunnel. My eyes lit up, I felt peace for once. "Father?" I stood there in awe, tears fell to the ground. The figure stood there for a second, trying to figure out who was standing in front of him. "My...son" The figure finally spoke, his voice wobbled and cracked. He slowly walked over to me, wrapping his arms around me as he sobbed. "I'm so sorry." He said under his breath. I didn’t respond, I just wanted to be still and in the moment.
I wrapped my hands around my body, I imagined the embrace to be like that day. The day I was loved and the day where I finally had peace. Tears rolled slowly down the sides of my face, my breath was wobbly and cut off as each breath escaped my mouth. I want to go home. I curled into a ball on the ground, right in front of the elevator. I dug my nails into the sides of my arms, thoughts echoing through my mind, overlapping like static. The tears stuck to my face, freezing to my metallic shell. I let out small, pathetic weeps of sorrow. My heart pumped louder and louder, until I removed my finger nails from my arms. Small drips of oil came from the indents my nails had made. My arms felt cold, I felt cold. I went back to the room, walking quietly so I didn’t wake Kas up. I walked to a table that had a medkit on it. I sprayed disinfectant on my arms, I hate the feeling of being filthy. I placed bandages on my wounds, then I curled into a ball, and tried to sleep. I felt awful, I felt sick but not like Kasper. No this was a different kind of sickness… the type that makes you bed ridden for days, unable to move, paralyzed with doubt and sadness. Unable to form any thoughts that bring positivity, only drowning in negativity. I hate this, I hate everything happening. I want Kasper to be better, for his sickness to transfer to me.
One day we'll make it out of this, one day we'll finally grow wings and leave this hell hole loop behind.