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Eddie wasn't sure what he was.
He was a myriad of things: a father, a partner, a firefighter and now… something else.
God had left him in Eden with an apple tree and expected him not to take a bite and he just wasn't strong enough. He'd never been strong enough.
He lay in bed, tangled up in the sheets like they could suffocate him. His heart was racing and there was a faint sensation in the back of his throat, the kind you get before you vomit. And the worst part was he was in the best place he could possibly be.
He was home. Christopher was down the hall. Buck was here.
L.A. was home to him. It had been for a very long time. He loved his family, he needed his family but he had a life that he'd built for himself that he wasn't ready to let go of. That he didn't want to let go of. Ever.
He was staring at the ceiling, eyes tracing over every little bump and where the paint was starting to peel off right by the wall. He needed to get that redone. He needed to get a lot of things redone in the house.
It was quiet. The early morning sun was streaming through the gap in the curtains, basking the room in a beautiful glow. Eddie was warm and he was loved and he felt worse than he'd ever felt.
What the hell was wrong with him?
He couldn't bear to look to his side. He kept his eyes firmly fixed on the ceiling. He couldn't bear to see the proof of his sins because he had sinned.
He'd sinned greatly. He'd taken that bite of the apple and it was delicious and rosy and it was going to kill him. He was going to hell.
His breath started to become shaky. He couldn't go to hell. He couldn't deal with burning in flames for eternity but more than that he couldn't deal with God's scorn. He needed God to love him. He needed to be worthy of God's love.
Eddie thought of Father Brian. Of denying himself joy. But this wasn't denying himself joy because he thought he didn't deserve it — it wasn't — it was denying himself because it wasn't what God wanted for him. He knew that.
There was a glimpse of movement to the side of him, another warm body in the sheets. Eddie was starting to hyperventilate now. He couldn't do this. He couldn't betray God like this.
"Eddie?"
Eddie tore off the sheets and ran to the bathroom to throw up in the toilet. At least it stopped his hyperventilating. He retched again, curled up over the toilet and crying. God hated him. God loathed him.
"Dad?" Chris's worried voice came from the doorway. Eddie moved to answer him but he was throwing up again.
"It's alright, Chris," he heard Buck say. "Why don't you have cereal for breakfast today?"
"What about Dad?" Chris said. He sounded so young and afraid. Eddie wiped his eyes but the tears kept coming. He needed to pull himself together for his son. He couldn't be like this. He wasn't like this.
He was a soldier for fuck's sake. He was supposed to be brave, faithful, following orders and yet he'd disobeyed one of the most important ones. Two if you count scaring his son.
"I've got him," Buck said. "Go eat."
Eddie felt Chris's hesitation but he listened to Buck and his footsteps could be heard going to the kitchen.
The bathroom door closed and Buck sat on the edge of the bathtub, rubbing Eddie's back as he gagged and vomited again.
He couldn't bear to look at Buck. He knew what he'd see. It wasn't about the pity because he knew that would be minimal, overshadowed with concern. It wasn't even about the care that would always make him feel unworthy. No, it was the fact that he'd look at Buck and he'd see the night before.
He'd see eyes wide with ecstasy and hands curled tight and quiet puffs of air and soft murmurs, loving murmurs. He'd see every moment of happiness and devotion and he'd break.
"Eds," Buck said. "Are you okay?"
"Do I look okay?" Eddie laughed bitterly. His hands were gripping the toilet seat so tight that his knuckles were white.
"No," Buck said bluntly. "Is this about… what happened?"
Eddie wanted to tell him the truth. They'd promised not to lie to each other. They'd promised to be true and frank for their sakes and for Chris's. But then he thought of the hurt in Buck's eyes, of every bit of his fear of abandonment coming true and he couldn't do it.
"No," he lied. "No, it's not about that, Buck."
"Something you ate?" Buck asked. "Did I not cook the chicken well enough?"
He sounded so guilty and Eddie couldn't take it.
"No," he said again. "It's just a stomach bug. You should go to Maddie's. I don't want to get you sick."
"If you think I'm leaving you like this, you're insane," Buck said. "I'll get Chris ready for school and call in sick for you."
"You don't have to do that," Eddie said, feeling bile rising up to his mouth. He spat it out.
"Tough, I'm doing it," Buck said and got out his phone, calling Bobby. "Hey, Bobby. Eddie's not feeling well so he won't be able to make it in and I have to stay here to look after him."
"Buck, you can call Tia Pepa and get her to look after me," Eddie said. "You shouldn't miss work."
He dared a glance at Buck, who bit his lip (Eddie remembered seeing that before, it being used to stifle noises of pleasure) and nodded. Eddie had to look away again.
"Scratch that," Buck said. "Tia Pepa's going to look after him. I'll be in. Okay, thanks, Bobby."
Buck hung up and dialled Tia Pepa's number.
"Hey," he said. "No, everything's okay. Eddie's sick and I have to go to work. Can you come over? Thanks. No, thank you. We'll see you soon. Bye. Bye, bye, bye."
Buck ended the phone call. He was still rubbing Eddie's back.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Better," Eddie said.
"Bullshit."
Eddie huffed a laugh. "Thanks for being so great about this."
"Of course. That's what I'm here for."
"What, to play nurse?"
"To look after you," Buck corrected. "It's an honour."
Eddie swallowed. Hard.
"You need to drive Chris to school," he deflected. "His bag's packed. I got him to do it last night. He needs to be there in half an hour."
"I'll check if he's eating breakfast. You okay on your own?"
"Yeah."
Buck patted his back, got up and left.
Eddie sat up, wiping his mouth with some toilet paper. He leaned against the wall, pressing his palms to his forehead. Fuck.
He knew God was watching him, knew that He knew what was going on in Eddie's head right now. He also knew what Eddie was going to do next. He knew Eddie's fate. Eddie was powerless to stop it.
All Eddie could think of was Buck, how he'd worshipped him in a way that he should never have done. It was unholy. He was unclean.
He sniffed, letting out a small sob. What if this ruined Chris too? His behaviour could damn his son to an eternity of suffering. He couldn't do that to him. He was ruining everything. He always ruined everything.
"Chris and I are going to head off," Buck said, poking his head around the door. Eddie quickly and discreetly wiped his eyes and smiled weakly at Buck.
"Be safe," he said.
"I can wait until Tia Pepa gets here," Buck suggested, a furrow in his brow that betrayed his worry.
"Chris shouldn't be late," Eddie dismissed him. "I'll be fine."
"Okay," Buck said reluctantly. "I'll see you soon."
Eddie nodded and Buck left. He heard the front door open and close and finally allowed himself to break down.
—
Tia Pepa arrived about fifteen minutes later. She came into the bathroom and sighed when she saw him.
"Oh, Eddito," she said. "What happened?"
Eddie looked up and around the room, his eyes blotchy and red. At least he hadn't destroyed anything this time.
"I made a mistake, Tia," he said. "I fucked up."
Tia Pepa came over, offering him her hands. He took them and got to his feet. She lead him backwards to the couch and sat down, letting him sit beside her and rest his head on her shoulder.
She wrapped an arm around him, holding him close.
"Talk to me," she said.
Eddie shook his head. "I can't. I can't tell you. I can't say it."
"Eddie, there is nothing you could say that will make me love you any less," Tia Pepa promised. "You're my pride and joy."
Eddie could feel his heart going faster than it had ever gone before. He felt dizzy with it, like he was going to collapse at any second.
"I…" he started but he couldn't finish it.
Tia Pepa waited patiently.
"I… I…" His chest started to heave. "I s…"
He grimaced and shook his head again. He was a coward. He couldn't do it. He wouldn't do it.
"I love you," Tia Pepa said. "It's going to be okay."
Eddie closed his eyes, screwing them up. "Tia, I slept with Buck."
The silence that followed was overwhelming. Eddie opened his eyes and saw Tia Pepa looking at him with her mouth slightly open and her eyebrows raised.
"Oh," she said. "And do you or he regret it?"
"It's not about that," Eddie said. "I sinned."
Something in Tia Pepa's expression smoothed over and she gathered him closer.
"Oh, carino," she said. "God forgives you. God will always forgive you."
Eddie nodded, letting out a hiccuping breath and hugged her tightly. He felt like a little boy trying to burrow into his mother's chest.
"We will figure this out," she said, stroking her hand up and down his arm. "We must pray and God will give us a sign."
"Can we do it now?" Eddie asked. He felt vulnerable and exposed in a way he hadn't been for a very long time. He was vulnerable when Bobby died, vulnerable when Buck was in his coma, vulnerable when Shannon asked for a divorce and so many times before that but it never felt like this.
"Of course," Tia Pepa said. She held him tighter and bowed her head. Eddie closed his eyes and listened to her pray.
"Dear Lord, in this time of uncertainty, we hold tight to those we cherish the most. Please forgive us for our sins and welcome our loves with a whole heart. Grant us the wisdom and the courage to right our wrongs and find ourselves. Thank you for the love and joy you have given us. Amen."
"Amen," Eddie echoed.
He opened his eyes as if a sign would appear right then and there but there was nothing. He exhaled slowly.
"Let me bring you some soup," Tia Pepa said. "Food doesn't solve everything but it certainly doesn't cause any problems."
Eddie smiled and she kissed him on the head and went to go make some soup. His phone buzzed and he glanced at the text Buck had sent him.
Buck: Hope you're feeling better. I'll make your favourite for tea tonight.
Eddie should have felt elated. He normally would. Today, all he could feel was dread at the prospect of facing Buck, of being with him. What if Buck had already told the 118 about what had happened?
No, Buck wouldn't do that. He was unfailingly fair and kind. Everything was going to be fine. No one had to know except him and Tia Pepa and Buck.
—
Here was the thing. Tia Pepa had stayed with him all day and gone only to pick Chris up from school and bring him back home when she then left them because she had a bingo class that evening and that was all great. It was fine. She didn't even mention what had happened, what Eddie had confessed.
But, after all that, Eddie still felt the burning need to tell someone else.
He spent the rest of the evening holed up in his bedroom pretending that he was still too ill to hang out with Buck and Chris. Buck brought him his food in bed and slept on the couch. They didn't talk much.
The next day, Eddie announced he was leaving for a couple of hours. Buck looked put out by it.
"Where are you going?"
"Just out for a drive," Eddie lied. "Might do some shopping. I need to clear my head a bit. I'm still feeling ill."
"Okay," Buck said, still looking worried. "Drive safe, yeah?"
"Always," Eddie said, kissing Chris's head and leaving.
He drove in a circle for about fifteen minutes before he started to head to church. It was open, what with it only being nine in the morning,
He avoided the looks of the other people in the street, convinced that everyone knew exactly who he was and was judging him. He knew in the back of his mind that it was ridiculous but it felt so real.
He thought of stepping into the confessional box but couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead, he looked across the church, met Father Brian's eye and gestured to the pew beside him.
Father Brian walked over and sat down. Eddie sat beside him.
"You look troubled," Father Brian said. Eddie looked around. The church was empty.
"I sinned," he said quietly.
"Is this about your son?" Father Brian asked.
"No, not about him. He's actually come back from El Paso. He's living with me again."
Father Brian looked proud. "I'm happy for you."
"Thank you, Father."
"So what is this sin?"
Eddie sucked in a breath. "I have this friend. He's my best friend. He helps me look after Chris and he's been there for me for seven years through thick and thin and I can't help but… I had sex with him."
Father Brian nodded. "And?"
"And?" Eddie spluttered. "That's one of the biggest sins you can commit! Man shall not lie with man!"
Father Brian shook his head. "The original scripture said man shall not lie with boy. And the Bible is a lot of things, Eddie. It's a way of life, it's a guidance, it's a gift from God but it's also a book written by a bunch of straight, cisgender, white men thousands and thousands of years ago. We don't know what biases of their own affected what they wrote. Plenty of people believe in God but don't agree with certain bits of the Bible and that's okay. God doesn't judge based on that. God judges on the way you live your life."
"But He doesn't want me to live my life like this," Eddie said.
"Your friend — is he going to hell for being gay?"
"What?" Eddie said.
"I assume your friend is part of the LGBT+ community. Is he going to hell? Better yet, does he deserve to?"
Eddie shook his head. "That's not the point."
"It's very much the point because I see it one of two ways. Either he deserves to and you have your answer or he doesn't and you have a different one. God's rules aren't for you specifically. They're for all of us. Does He or does He not condemn your friend?"
Eddie thought of Buck and everything about him. He thought of his sense of humour and his honesty and his determination and his devotion. He thought of every moment that they'd spent together, every moment that they'd spent with Chris.
If he truly thought Buck was condemned, he'd never have let him around Chris, not for a second.
"No," he said. "He can't."
"Then why would He condemn you?"
The drive back home was quiet and contemplative. Eddie weighed up his options in each hand before he drove up the driveway and turned the car off. He sat in it for a while, long enough that Buck must have spotted him because he came out and sat in the passenger's seat.
"Are you okay?" Buck asked.
Eddie didn't answer. He looked at Buck and he saw every good thing that had ever happened to him interwoven with the man. He saw joy and he took it.
—
Eddie woke up feeling a strange sense of deja vu. It was a sunny day and the birds were tweeting and the paint was still peeling off the wall and there was a warm body beside him.
He turned and looked down at Buck's sleeping face, forehead smoothed of wrinkles and a small smile on his lips. He was beautiful. He looked holy.
"Buck," Eddie said, gently shaking him. Buck started to stir. He blinked blearily and looked up at Eddie. The second he saw him his lips started to curve upwards.
"Eddie," he mumbled. "You're here."
Eddie rolled his eyes fondly. "Yes, I'm here."
"You're not throwing up this time! Was worried I'd done something wrong."
"No," Eddie rushed to assure him. "You are perfect. I just had some things to work through. Things that I'm still working through. But it's not your fault."
Buck's smile softened. "I'm glad."
He reached out for Eddie's waist, pulling their bodies closer together.
Eddie closed the distance between them, kissing Buck tenderly. Buck rolled on top of Eddie, keeping the kiss chaste and sweet.
He pulled back to bump their noses together.
"Morning, handsome."
Eddie shoved him off playfully and Buck collapsed onto the bed in a fit of giggles.
There was a knock on the door and Eddie froze, every bit of fear that he thought he'd gotten rid of rising to the surface in an instant.
"Hey," Buck said, resting a hand on Eddie's shoulder. "It's just Chris."
Eddie tried to smile. "Yeah, I know."
Chris opened the door and Eddie felt faint as his son's eyes swept over them both but then Chris was shrugging and saying, "Can we have waffles for breakfast?"
"Sure thing, bud," Buck said, getting up and pulling a hoodie on. "You coming, Eds?"
"Yeah," Eddie said, tension starting to ease out of him. "Yeah, I'm coming."
Breakfast was quiet for the first few minutes. Buck made waffles and Chris wolfed them down at an alarming pace. When Chris had finished his waffles, the question came.
"Are you two dating?" Chris asked casually. Eddie choked on his waffle. His fingers started to tremble.
Buck glanced at him and then back to Chris.
"Um… We haven't talked about it."
"You should," Chris said. "Start dating, that is. It would be good for everyone."
Eddie tried to slow down his breathing and hid his hands under the table.
"And you'd be okay with that?" he asked.
Chris snorted. "Buck's family. I love him, you love him, obviously very differently. Plus I'd get to finally call Buck my dad instead of spending ages trying to explain what he is to me to people."
Eddie loved his son so, so much. He sniffed, trying to hold back tears.
"Thanks," he said.
Chris rolled his eyes. "Don't go all soppy on me now."
Buck, who had looked frozen like a deer in the headlights throughout the conversation, rested a hand lightly on Eddie's shoulder and jerked his head towards the corridor. Eddie nodded and got up.
"Chris, we're just going to have a talk, okay?" he said. Chris waved his hand dismissively and took a sip of his milk.
"Go be gross," he said.
Even though Eddie knew he was only joking, he felt a pang in his chest at the word, like it was gross, like it was unnatural. Buck must have sensed something because he shot Eddie a questioning look. Eddie shook his head minutely.
They stepped into Eddie's bedroom, shutting the door behind them and Buck sat down on the bed while Eddie stood in front of him. Buck wasn't looking at him. Eddie's heart dropped.
"I—" he started to say at the same time as Buck started to say, "Should we—"
They both stopped and Eddie gestured for Buck to go first.
"Should we start dating?" Buck asked, staring at the floor and twisting his hands in his lap.
Eddie had a horrible feeling in his gut. "Do you want to?"
Buck's head snapped up, his eyes meeting Eddie's.
"Of course I do!" he said. "I just didn't know if you wanted to. After we… you know… well, you didn't exactly say anything."
"I said something this morning."
"You said you had things to work through."
Eddie bit his lip. "I'm not going to lie to you. This is hard for me and it's probably not going to get easier for a while but I want this. I want it so badly that it scares me."
Buck shook his head, looking away again. "I don't want to scare you."
Eddie knelt down on both knees in front of Buck, grasping Buck's hands in his and forcing their eyes to latch onto each other.
"Being with Shannon was scary. Having Chris was scary. Joining the 118 was scary. Every good thing in my life has been scary. Why would that put me off?"
Buck chuckled a little wetly. "I just don't see why I'd be worth the effort."
"Buck," Eddie implored. "You are worth everything, almost as much as Christopher. I have some issues, yes, especially around Catholic guilt. I've got heaps of it, but a wise man told me that the rules don't apply to just me and that to believe certain things about myself is to believe things about you that I could never dare to think of. I will work through this. I want to be with you."
Buck leaned forward and kissed him and Eddie kissed back with fervour.
"So are we doing this?" Eddie asked, barely parting from Buck.
"Yeah," Buck said. "We're doing this."
—
"Are you alright?" Buck asked. Eddie's leg was bouncing under the table as they sat in the restaurant. It was their first date and Eddie had wanted to take Buck out for the evening and do something flashy.
He'd wanted this. He'd planned this. He'd driven Buck here for fuck's sake.
And yet he was almost having a nervous breakdown because he couldn't stop thinking that everyone here was judging them.
"I'm okay," Eddie said, pushing his salmon around on the plate.
"Really? You keep looking around," Buck said. "You know there's nothing wrong with this, right? We're not doing anything wrong."
Eddie inhaled. "I know that here." He pointed to his head. "But I can't just undo decades of my parents and Sunday church in an instant."
"I know you can't," Buck said, as patient and gentle as ever. "I just want you to have a good time."
Eddie's leg stopped bouncing. He went to reach across the table but couldn't. Coward.
"I am having a good time," Eddie said. "I'm with you."
Buck nodded but he didn't seem convinced.
"Come on," Eddie said. "Let's get out of here."
Buck frowned. "You want to end the date?"
Eddie shook his head. "No. I just have somewhere better in mind."
They paid the bill and left. Eddie drove them to a secluded area near the park. It was a hill with a large willow tree and a small pond just on the edges of town. There was no one there at this time of night. When Eddie first found it, it was when he and Shannon were still married and he'd dreamt of bringing her there. He had a different dream now.
"It's beautiful here," Buck said as they got out of the car and he looked around. Eddie smiled at the look of pure awe on Buck's face. He loved that look. He loved Buck.
Eddie got out a blanket from the back of the car and set it down for them to sit on underneath the willow tree.
Buck sat, looking slightly bemused, and Eddie sat down beside him.
"Why'd you bring me here?" Buck asked.
"Because out here, with no one around, I can be myself," Eddie replied. "I know I'm not doing right by you."
"Eddie—"
"No, I know. You deserve someone unashamed. And I'm not ashamed, not of you, but I am ashamed of myself. For a lot of things. For wanting and I… want. I want so badly."
Buck reached out, taking Eddie's hand in his. Eddie flinched at the touch but didn't pull away, curling his fingers between Buck's instead. He could feel his heart going at a million miles per minute but he wasn't going to back down. He wasn't going to give up on this, on Buck.
"I want too," Buck said.
Eddie huffed. "Yeah, but you're allowed to. I'm not."
Buck scowled. "Says who? I was never allowed to want as a kid. The only person who gave me permission to want was myself. But, if it helps you to have someone else give you permission then I grant you your wish, Aladdin."
"If only it was that simple."
"What if it could be?" Buck asked, leaning backwards until he was lying down half on the grass and staring up at the night sky.
"When pigs fly," Eddie said and he squeezed Buck's hand. "I'll get there. I promise."
"And I'll be there when you do."
Eddie didn't know what he'd ever done to deserve someone like Buck.
—
The next few weeks were the best of Eddie's life. Buck practically moved in, spending ninety nine percent of his time at Eddie's house with him and Chris and, on occasion, with just him, which was Eddie's current favourite way to spend time.
The problem that was presenting itself was that Buck was a horrible liar. Eddie couldn't judge. He was equally as terrible. And what happens when two terrible liars who can't keep their hands off each other try to hide a relationship? Someone finds out.
"We shouldn't be doing this," Buck said as Eddie dragged him into the storage cupboard and pressed him up against the closed door.
"Yeah, probably," Eddie said, kissing Buck. It wasn't a heavy, rushed thing. It was sweet and slow. Buck leaned in, cupping Eddie's face, and then pushed him away.
"We definitely shouldn't be doing this," Buck said, laughing softly but he accepted another kiss.
They kissed for a while with gently roaming hands and quiet murmurs. However, not quiet enough.
"What are you doing in— Oh. My. God."
Eddie and Buck jumped apart and were left staring into the face of Chimney.
"Oh my God," Chimney said again. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. What the fuck?"
The walls were closing in. Eddie was pushing himself against the back wall in an effort to get away from Buck, who was holding up his hands placatingly towards Chimney.
"You can't tell anyone," Buck was saying. "You have to promise, Chim."
"How can I possibly promise that?" Chimney complained. "I'm so bad at keeping secrets."
"Well, you're going to have to be good at it for once," Buck said firmly. "For Eddie's sake."
Chimney looked at Eddie over Buck's shoulder and he must have been able to read the pure, unadulterated fear in Eddie's face, in his whole body, because he nodded.
"Okay," he said. "I'll keep it to myself."
"Thanks," Buck said.
"I'll just… leave," Chimney said, slowly backing out of the cupboard and closing the door.
Buck turned to face Eddie, reaching out towards him.
"Breathe with me," Buck said. "That's it, honey."
Eddie tried to focus on Buck's big, exaggerated breaths. Buck kept his gaze, eyes concerned and not expecting anything.
Eddie started to breathe again.
"Good job," Buck said, rubbing Eddie's shoulders. Eddie nodded.
"I'm okay," he said. "I just wasn't expecting…"
"I know," Buck said. "It's okay. He won't tell."
"How do you know?"
"Because Maddie will kill him if he does."
—
Telling Maddie was something Eddie knew Buck had wanted to do the whole time. It had been a little over two months now and Chimney had been quiet for the five weeks that he knew about it.
Eddie could tell Buck was growing weary of the sneaking around. It had been fun at first but now it was weighing on them both.
They had to say something to Maddie and then they had to tell the 118. Hiding it just wasn't an option anymore, even if the thought of telling people made him feel sick to his stomach.
"I think we should tell Maddie," he said in what he hoped was a casual manner one evening when they were sat in bed. Eddie was flicking through a book and Buck had one earbud in and was listening to a podcast on air embolisms. It took a few seconds for Buck to process what had been said and then for him to frantically reach for his phone and turn off his podcast.
"What?" he said.
"I think we should—"
"No, I heard you. I just… Are you sure?" Buck asked, turning to face Eddie. Eddie took one of Buck's hands in his and held tight to it, taking in a deep breath.
"I'm sure. She deserves to know. And, maybe soon, we could tell the rest of the 118."
Buck was, for once, almost speechless. "Eddie, this seems like a complete one eighty from where you were two months ago."
"I know," Eddie said, "but I've been doing a lot of work with Frank and I think it's time. I want people to know how happy I am with you. That I belong to you."
Buck chuckled. "Eds, you don't belong to me. You're your own person."
"I'm yours," Eddie said. "Wholeheartedly and willingly. Yours and Chris's, just like you're ours."
Buck looked close to tears. "You swear it?"
"I swear it."
Buck flung himself forward to hug Eddie, gripping onto him like a monkey.
"I've never had anyone to keep before," Buck said, sniffling. "They always belonged to something else whether it was work or another person or travel."
"Chris and I are forever," Eddie said and he meant it. "We're not going anywhere."
The next morning Buck was supposed to be babysitting Jee-Yun anyway so they all headed over there.
"I hope you don't mind but I brought reinforcements," Buck said as Maddie opened the door. Eddie waved.
"Hi, Aunt Maddie," Chris said. That was new. Chris had never referred to her like that before. It softened her and she beamed at him.
"Hey, Chris," she said. "I don't mind at all. Jee will be thrilled."
They headed into the kitchen and Chimney came in with Jee-Yun on his hip talking to him mostly coherently about something to do with her princesses. Chimney stopped dead when he saw all of them.
"Hey," he said, sounding nervous. "I didn't know you'd all be coming."
Eddie gathered up all his courage. "There's actually a secret agenda to it."
"Oh?" Maddie said as Chimney set Jee-Yun down and she ran over to hug Buck, who swung her up in the air.
Eddie was so in love with him and it was only amplified by ten thousand when he saw him being an uncle. It brought out a side in Buck that was special. It was like when he was with Chris, only he spoiled Jee-Yun even more than he did Chris. He couldn't spoil Chris as much as a co-parent.
"Yeah," Eddie said. He could feel everyone's eyes on him and it was making him sweat but he appreciated that they let him take his time and come out with it on his own. "Buck's… I'm dating him. We're dating."
The guilt that was there two months ago at the very thought of it was much lighter now, more of an echo, and the faces that surrounded him were filled with warmth and joy.
"That's great!" Maddie exclaimed, bringing him in for a hug. "That's just amazing news. I knew you'd both figure it out."
"Thank God!" Chimney said. "I was worried I'd have to keep that in forever."
Maddie released Eddie and turned to her husband. "You knew? So that's what you've been hiding!"
"What did you think it was?" Chimney asked.
"I don't know. I thought you'd eaten the last marshmallow or something but I'm so happy it's this. Do the 118 know?"
"Not yet," Buck said as Maddie pulled him in for a hug too. "We're planning on telling them soon though."
Eddie grinned as their families celebrated and congratulated each other. It was so much better than he'd hoped and that niggling voice in the back of his head was slowly quietening down.
—
They told the 118 casually whilst they were on shift. It wasn't even an announcement. Instead, they walked into the station one day holding hands and, while they got a few looks and raised eyebrows, not one of them said anything about it.
The only person left that Eddie really wanted to know was his abuela, but he was terrified of telling her.
Next to Tia Pepa and Chris and Buck, she was one of the most important people in his life and he knew she was older now and might not get it. She was also still pretty heavily Catholic, although she had been divorced before, and Eddie was unbelievably stressed about how the interaction would go.
"She loves me. It'll be fine," Buck reassured him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
Eddie shifted on his feet and knocked on his abuela's door. Chris was first to greet her with a big hug and she hugged Eddie next and then Buck.
Eddie knew his abuela loved Buck. Abuela adored him just like Tia Pepa did. It didn't make it any less nerve-wracking.
"Edmundo, you look as pale as a ghost," Abuela commented. "Come inside, come inside."
They all went inside and sat down in the living room with Buck insisting on being the one who made the tea.
Abuela sat in her armchair and Chris and Eddie sat on the sofa adjacent to it as Chris discussed school and friends with her. Eddie loved his kid beyond belief and it was proven why by the way Chris artfully distracted Abuela because he knew of Eddie's nervousness.
Buck came in with the tea and set it down on the coffee table, squeezing in on the sofa beside Eddie, their thighs pressing together.
"Thank you, Buck," Abuela said, taking a sip of her tea. Eddie was always surprised at how she could drink scolding hot tea without even blinking.
"My pleasure," Buck said, grinning. "Um, Abuela, we actually had something we needed to tell you."
Abuela's eyes widened. "No one's pregnant, are they?"
"No!" Eddie rushed to reassure her. "No one's pregnant!"
Chris not so subtly snorted. Abuela seemed to relax, although she still looked suspicious.
"Do you need money? Because I have—"
"No, no," Eddie cut her off. "We have things under control. It's… It's good news."
"Ah, well I could use some of that," Abuela said, smiling. "We all could."
Something Eddie marvelled at was that, every time he said it, it got easier. He didn't even stutter before he said, "Buck's my boyfriend."
There was a couple beats of silence before Abuela said, "Oh. So that makes you…"
"I'm not sure," Eddie said. "I loved Shannon. I still love her. Always will. But I love Buck too and I need you to know that."
Abuela nodded.
"Are you okay?" Chris asked her.
"Yes, yes, I'm fine," Abuela said. "Just surprised. I didn't know you were like that, Eddie."
"Like what?" Eddie said, frowning.
"No, I didn't mean it like that," Abuela said. "Please don't think I'm not happy for you. I am. I'm just old and I don't always phrase things right. I love you all no matter what."
Eddie let his breath whoosh out of him.
"We love you too," Chris said, standing up to go over and hug her. She hugged him back, closing her eyes and smiling. When they parted, she beckoned Eddie over and hugged him too and then rested her eyes on Buck.
"Come here, Evancito," she said. Buck, who'd previously looked like he might throw up with worry, relaxed, grinning and hugging her.
"You take good care of him," Abuela said to Eddie.
"Isn't Buck supposed to be getting the shovel talk?"
Abuela huffed. "Buck would do no harm to a fly."
Buck smiled, the picture of innocence. "Exactly, Eddie."
Eddie rolled his eyes but he couldn't help smiling. Everything was as it should be.
—
Of course things couldn't last forever. Now out to everyone important in their lives, Buck had moved in with Eddie and Chris and they'd officially reached the six month marker. To anyone else, it would have seemed crazily soon but for them it was perfect. Buck was practically living there anyway. All they did was make it official.
That wasn't the problem. In fact, domestic life was bliss. They'd wake up next to each other every morning, go grocery shopping together, pick Chris up from school together and go to sleep in each other's arms.
However, there were still people who didn't know. Buck had forgone the need to tell his parents. They knew he was bisexual and he said he would bring it up when they asked. Eddie, on the other hand, was definitely not out to his parents and they were regularly asking if he was dating anyone and he was getting sick of lying to them.
"You don't owe it to them," Buck said, stroking Eddie's hair with one hand and pausing the TV with the other. Chris was in bed and Eddie had just received a text from his mom asking about visiting. At least she asked nowadays. Before, she and his dad just showed up.
"I know," Eddie said, sighing, "but I think I owe it to me."
He sent her a message saying they were free to come at the weekend.
Friday was stressful to say the least. Eddie knew he had the support of the rest of his family. Tia Pepa and Abuela even offered to be there but Eddie turned them down. This was something he needed to do on his own.
"You ready for tomorrow?" Buck asked while Eddie was cooking, coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around him.
"Ready as I'll ever be," Eddie said. "It'll be okay."
Buck smiled into the crook of Eddie's neck.
"What?" Eddie said.
"Just loving how self assured you are. It's hot."
"Really?" Eddie said smugly, turning around in Buck's arms and kissing him. Things were starting to heat up a little when Chris poked his head around the corner and loudly said, "Ew!"
"Don't 'ew' our love," Buck said teasingly. "It's a beautiful thing."
"It's right in front of my dinner," Chris said. "You'll infect it with grossness."
"Just you wait until you bring someone here for dinner," Eddie said, leaning back against the counter. "I'll be on you like a hawk."
Chris just rolled his eyes.
They had a good dinner and slept relatively well and, when they woke up, Eddie got dressed and put on his game face.
The dreaded knock on the door came an hour earlier than agreed. Eddie wasn't surprised. He'd prepared for this.
He sent Chris to open the door and left Buck in the living room. He could hear excited shouts and muffled noises as he approached where his mom was hugging Chris and his dad was watching them with a look of pride.
"Hey," Eddie said as neither of them had noticed his presence.
"Eddie," his mom said, letting go of Chris and coming to hug him. "It's good to see you."
"Good to see you," his dad echoed, clapping him on the back. Helena stopped when she looked past Eddie into the living room.
"Oh," she said on seeing Buck. "I thought this was a family get together."
"It is," Chris said. Buck stood up, walked over and held out a hand for Eddie's parents to shake.
"Hi," he said. "Thanks for coming."
It obviously rattled Eddie's parents but they didn't comment and shook his hand politely.
The lunch was made by Buck in an attempt to show off his cooking skills and even Helena commented on how good it was.
"It really is delicious," she said. "Did your mother teach you how to cook?"
"No, it was mostly Connor," Buck said. "He's an old friend of mine. I also learnt a lot while I was in Peru."
"Peru?" Ramon said. "That's quite a life you've lived, Evan."
"Buck," Buck corrected politely. "That's what people call me."
"Buck," Ramon said. Eddie, for the first time in a while, felt that Ramon was actually making an effort. He seemed to want to get to know Buck. He and Helena did. Maybe this was actually going to go well.
After lunch, Buck started to clean up.
"No, no," Eddie said, stopping him. "You know the rules. Whoever cooks doesn't have to clean."
Buck held up his hands and let himself be dragged off by Chris to help show Ramon his latest video game.
Helena stuck around in the kitchen, helping Eddie clean up despite him trying to get her to not.
"Buck's nice," she said. "I haven't talked to him much before."
Eddie nodded, not meeting her eyes. "Yeah. Thanks for trying to get to know him. It means a lot."
"Eddie," his mom said and Eddie braced himself. "What is he… What is he doing here?"
"He's family," Eddie said.
Helena appeared genuinely confused. "But he's not. I know he's your friend but—"
"He's more than that, Mom," Eddie said. "He's our Buck."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means he's helped raise Chris since he was seven. It means he's there for me throughout everything. It means he's ours to keep."
Helena scoffed. "We raised Chris before that. We've been there for you through everything. We are your family and he is not staying with you. He'll find a nice girl and he'll settle down and then where does that leave you?"
Eddie shook his head, frustration welling. "Shannon raised Chris. Yes, you helped but she's his mother not you. And you have not been there for me through everything and you certainly weren't there for her. And Buck's not leaving. He's already settled down with us."
"Eddie," Helena said, sounding dismayed and it hurt Eddie beyond belief. "We have always tried our best with you and playing house with this man is not going to last."
"We're not playing house," Eddie said, running a hand down his face. "This is it for me, Mom. Buck is it for me."
Helena frowned. "Eddie, you're not gay."
"I don't know what I am," Eddie said, finally looking at her, "but I have never known myself as well as I do when I'm with him. I love him."
Helena's face became pinched and anguished. "You don't mean that. You never mean it. All the women you're with and all the times you hurt Christopher and you never mean it!"
She was raising her voice now and Eddie felt like a little kid but he looked over her shoulder and saw Buck and Chris standing there watching them and he knew he was all grown up now.
"Mom, I love you," he said, "and I need you to accept this."
"We can do that," Ramon cut in, getting up from the couch and pressing a hand to Buck's shoulder. "This one is a good one, Helena."
"Thank you, sir," Buck said quietly.
Helena bit her lip, looked to the ceiling and sighed.
"Okay," she said. "I'm not happy about it and I still think it's going to go wrong but okay. I'll try."
That was all Eddie could ask of her.
—
Four years later, Eddie stood in the hospital waiting room with Chris and Buck by his side, tapping his foot against the floor. Buck laid a hand on Eddie's knee.
"It'll be okay," he said.
Eddie looked to Chris, who was eighteen now and off to university in the fall, and Chris smiled back at him.
"What if things are never the same again?" Eddie asked, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.
"They won't be," Buck said. "Isn't that the beauty of it?"
Eddie nodded and took in a deep breath before exhaling slowly.
"Excuse me?" a nurse said. "The Diazes?"
"That's us," Buck said, smiling proudly in the way he always did when reminded that he was officially a Diaz.
"I have great news for you," the nurse said.
"They're okay?" Eddie asked.
"Ms. Caswick is recovering right now," the nurse said. "Would you like to go see her?"
Eddie nodded and they all got up and went to Room 209. In it, a very exhausted and smiling Ms. Jane Caswick was beckoning them in with her free arm.
"Fellas," she said, shifting the baby in her arms to face them. "Meet your kid."