Chapter Text
“This story starts, as the best stories do, on a precocious day. Grey clouds warily hung from the sky above, illuminating the family and friends below -”
“Oh shut it, you're making this sound so boring! We are at an IKEA for Primes' sake! And how do you even know the word precocious???” Joe cawed back, rolling his eyes at his friend, after all, Joe knew that Jim was pretty much illiterate.
“Well excuuuuussssse me for trying to make it sound poetic!” Jim tiredly responded, hopping on his one leg closer to the one-eyed crow, glaring the whole time, “how about you tell it then.”
“No,” Joe cawed simply, “you're better at telling stories…” The two crows cawed and bickered back and for a moment longer before one crow gave in and continued. With a deep sigh, Jim resumed his story, and it's a wonderful story, you know.
“As I was saying, this particular story starts following all the saviors you've grown to love and the villains you fear. Welcome to the one place they all live in harmony; the Immortal Kings Ebullient Agency, or IKEA for short.”
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It was too cold outside, even despite the tweed suit he wore, that was much too itchy. He even had the stupid gloves on that Canadians wore! Though Wilbur thought that was to be expected, even in April, as they were crossing the Arctic Circle because his family is just so awesome like that. There is no better family in Will's opinion. For his tenth birthday, they were on the state of the art ship, the Titanic. It was 1912, though! This was the ship of the Century!
It seemed like a good idea in theory, but Wilbur very quickly got just a bit too seasick for his liking, and he was freezing. Feeling like a frog on a wobbly lotus was definitely not on his plans for his special day, and neither was becoming a human popsicle. So, as his father's solution, he was curled up in his dad's lap, watching the icebergs pass them by while he listened to the stories of their family, although some of those icebergs looked awfully close...
Philza was much warmer than him, especially with his large black wings wrapped around them both, and it helped stave off the cold. Wilbur couldn't even fathom how the Canadians could handle all those big numbers in winter. Phil said when there was a little line in front of big numbers, it meant it was realllllly cold. Apparently, the temperature was in a really big word called Celsius! Listen to Wilbur, speaking such big, new words! He even used FATHOM earlier!
Wilbur nodded in response to his own thoughts, he was just simply better than all these peasants.
“This all happened a long time ago, mate, our family, the IKEA, our royalty, you must understand that we aren't exactly like the people around us. You've heard me talk about the good old fourteen hundreds mate. That's all because of your mother, you know.” Phil paused for a moment, getting that strange sappy look he always got talking about her. It was sweet in a way, but only being born in 1872, Wilbur hadn't grown to appreciate anything like love. In Wilbur's mind, girls still had cooties, which was gross! But his mum didn't, no. Mumza was just simply too good!
Before Phil could open his mouth to continue, Technoblade came running onto the balcony with a tied up sheet on a stick in hand that seemed to be practically spilling with gold and jewels. Of course, he would manage to find something pretty, he's Techno! He's a dork in Will's opinion, always stuck in a book or running his hands over anything he considers even remotely shiny.
For a moment, Phil just stared, blinking slowly before finally reacting. He tilted his head and looked at the shiny things in Technoblade’s hands with that cool bird-like stare. Wilbur thought it made his Dad look like such an old person, though sometimes.
“Whatcha got there, mate?” Phil asked, clearly surprised, but Wilbur could tell he was secretly pleased. Techno huffed, putting down the treasures in front of all three of them.
“Shinies…” His older brother's pupils were tripled in size, reminding Wilbur that no matter how dorky, or as Phil calls him mature for his age, Techno was still a hybrid. Just like the rest of their weird and odd little family. And that he had just robbed the wealthy aboard this ship, but neither he nor Phil said anything about that.
In classic Wilbur style (as he calls it because he's soooooo classy), he simply turned back to look at the dark sea, his stomach threatening to jump out of his throat as the boat rocked more viciously. He was done with this supposedly grand adventure. It was stupid. And he wanted to go home. Back to the soft, comfy, wonderful… NEST that his father made. Hybrid instincts, they make his father go soooooooo bird-brained.
As he looked out at the sea, he realized that they were right beside a massive iceberg! Actually… that was the same thing he had been looking at twenty minutes earlier. And he hadn't felt as motion sick in a minute… had they stopped moving? Is that why there was a big earthquake like a shake a few minutes ago?
Wilbur shook his head to clear his mind and buried his head back in his father's chest. Yes! Wilbur is ten today! But that doesn't mean he can't cuddle with his father!
Of course, in the seemingly perfect timing she always had, Mumza came trailing in only a few moments later after Techno had set all of his items down (Which included a massive glass chandelier that Wilbur has no idea how he nabbed), adjusting her opera gloves.
Wilbur loved his mom, she made him feel so safe! He knew if he felt bad, she would always comfort him in her special way. Warm hugs, soft whispers, she always seemed to engulf him in her arms, even more so with the long flowy black dress she always wore, and black sun hat.
She wandered into the room like the glorious damsel she is, but his mom is not a damsel in distress! Absolutely not! She's just that beautiful. She rivaled the sun in Wilbur’s eyes.
“Alrightly, guys! I think it's time to go now.” Even if his little brain didn't exactly understand why, Wilbur was ready to get off this boat immediately, so he hopped off Phil's lap and grabbed Kristen's hand as soon as she said so. Looking back, his father nodded before trying to reach for Techno’s hand, who was just laying in his new collection of crystals and shiny items.
And not two seconds later they were off, flying high up in the skies, Phil flapping his wings with Techno in his arms, while Wilbur was held by mumza, the family getting further and further from the ship that was… now sinking. And quickly. Huh. When did that happen?