Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Buck is already awake when the alarm goes off. Not fully, but it doesn’t rip him from sleep.

“Turn that fucking thing off,” Eddie mutters into his neck before snoring again.

Buck smiles at the routine. Even though they go to bed and wake up at the same time every day -- shift permitting -- Eddie starts the day cursing out the marimbas on the nightstand. “I’ll put the coffee on,” he mutters. Not that it matters, Eddie is dead to the world again.

When Eddie finally joins them in the kitchen half an hour later, it’s a riot of laughter. “Buck!” Chris shouts as the SEAL attempts to flip a pancake without a spatula. “You’re going to make a mess!”

“That’s the fun part, Superman.” Buck is so engrossed in breakfast that he doesn’t notice Eddie sneaking up behind him. “Morning Eds.” Eddie thought he was sneaking, at least.

“It’s creepy how good you are at knowing where people are,” he whispers before pouring himself a mug of coffee.

“Don’t act, I know you like it.” Buck turns his head to look at Eddie. Very much keeping the look on his face away from the child’s eyes.

Chris groans dramatically at the display. “You two are gross.”

Eddie laughs at him. “Whatever you say, Mijo.”

They’re all driving to school in silence except for the soft music when Chris speaks up. “Buck, can you help me with my science project tonight?”

Buck smiles in the passenger seat. “We get home pretty late tonight, bud. How about we work on it Saturday?”

Chris thinks about it very seriously. “Saturday is good. I’ll set up the tracks tonight so we’re ready.”

The two glance at each other. “What are the tracks for, Chris?”

“We’re racing balloon rocket cars,” he says with raised eyebrows. “I’ve been talking about it all week.”

Buck shakes his head. “No, because if you were talking about it all week, we would already have a track put together,” Buck seems more excited for the experiment than Chris.

 Buck looks up at the clear sky as more thunder rolls in the distance. “God, those never get less creepy.”

Hen stares at him. “You’ve been in a dry thunderstorm before?”

Buck nods before walking back into the station. “I was stationed in,” he pauses. “I think I can tell you, at least. Sudan, for a while. The silence and darkness, except for the sky. You can’t tell where the thunder is coming from with all the open space,” he shakes his head. “And I fucking. Hate. Sand.” He smiles at Hen. “Let’s do our best to stay inside, yeah?”

They’re not so lucky. Not ten minutes later, the alarm goes off. A woman and her son are trapped in an elevator from a power surge. As they get on scene to the medical complex, the first few drops of rain start to come down.

“Hi Ma’am, how are you doing in there?” Buck asks as Eddie grabs the jaws from the engine.

“Oh, I’ve been better,” she adjusts her toddler on her hip. “But I guess I can’t complain. I’d rather be stuck in here than stuck out there.” Just to prove her point, a giant clap of thunder sounds above them. She levels a glare with them. “Busy day for you guys?”

They glance at each other. “Our house is a little-” Buck starts.

“A lot, superstitious.” Eddie finishes. “But let’s just say, the shift just started.”

Buck reaches down through the doors as the toddler is passed to him. “I got you, buddy.” The boys tightens his grip around Buck’s neck. “Hey, it’s gonna be alright. I bet you and your mom are gonna go home, light some candles, and make a giant pillow fort to hide out in until the storm is done.” 

She gives him a thankful smile as she climbs up onto the floor. “How’s that sound, Elijah? Do you want to make a blanket fort?”

Elijah tilts his head just enough to see his mom. “Can we have hot cocoa too?”

She smiles and nods, as Buck passes him back over. “Yes, hon. We can make hot cocoa,” she looks at Buck. “How old is yours?”

Buck smiles. “Nine,” he glances at Eddie. “He’s roped us into racing balloon rocket cars tonight. I’d much rather drink hot cocoa in a blanket fort.”

“Evan!” Bobby calls from outside. “Level 3 downtown, let’s move!”

He runs after his dad. “Stay safe tonight!” He calls over his shoulder to the mom.

“Eddie, Buck, Chim: I want you on the ladder, make sure everyone is out,” Bobby says over the drowning sound of rain. The engine slows as they approach an apartment building engulfed in flames. 

The three of them race off the engine, Buck already pulling the harness around his turnouts.

“What are you doing? I got this,” Chimney protests.

“You got the last one!” Buck calls behind him, pulling himself steadily up the ladder.

“He keeps track?” Chimney asks.

“Chim, it’s me! I always keep track!”

Eddie laughs as he clips the support rope to Buck, “Go get ‘em, cowboy.”

Buck throws a dramatic air kiss over his shoulder, causing Chimney to groan. “Are you two always going to be like this?”

Eddie smiles. “Well, Buck moved in, and it hasn’t stopped yet.”

They watch as Buck gets to the top of the ladder, using the hose to add even more water to the night sky. “I’m sure Chris loves that.”

“He loves his Buck, he doesn’t love ‘the way we look at each other,’” Eddie makes air quotes the best he can in his gloves. Buck’s water jet points down, and he stares at the sky. “What the hell is he doing?”

Before Chimney can react, they’re both being thrown backwards with a flash of light. He’s slow to drag himself from the ground; his whole body feels like lead. “Buck!” Eddie screams, his limp body hanging above him.

The panicked sound of his voice makes Bobby squint against the rain. His heart sinks. “Evan,” he whispers as he stands up. 

“Everyone, clear the area!” Hen shouts as she practically pushes someone out of the way. “Bring him down, I’m backing her up!”

Bobby keys up on autopilot. “Mayday mayday mayday. This is Captain Bobby Nash with the 118. We have a firefighter down at the McArthur Park apartment fire. Need an additional task force and rescue immediately.”

Eddie is still flying up the ladder. Pulling his heavy body with all his force to get to Buck faster. “Buck!” He screams again, knowing that he won’t get a response. Won’t see that flash of bright blue as he laughs that he’s okay. He tries in vain to lift him to the ladder, but the dead weight of the SEAL is like trying to lift the MV off of Buck by hand.

“I’m bringing him down!” Chimney yells as he starts to loosen the rope. His limp body is slowly-- too slowly -- lowered to the ground. Lowered to Bobby.

“Come on, kid,” Bobby whispers as he grabs his son’s legs on the way down. “I got you,” he mutters quietly. Bobby isn’t sure if he’s saying it for his son’s benefit or his own. “Chim, get that gurney over here!”

“Move!” Hen pulls the gurney under Buck.

“Someone, get the Lifepak off!” Chimney yells, yanking at his turnout coat.

“No pulse,” Hen whispers over him. 

“Then get the Lifepak ready!”

“No, he’s in full cardiac arrest; it doesn’t make sense to shock him again.”

Chimney looks at Eddie climbing down the ladder before looking back at Hen. “Starting compressions,” he jumps on top of the gurney without landing on Buck. “Come on, Buck.”

“Chim, we gotta move,” Bobby pulls at Chimney. “Get him in there, Eddie, you’re driving.” The two race to the front seat, and Chimney crawls back on top of Buck inside the ambulance. 

“Dispatch, this is Captain 118. We have a firefighter down. Struck by lightning, unresponsive, three minutes out,” Eddie can hear the catch in his voice when they climb into the silence of the car.

“Bobby,” he tries.

“Just drive,” he says in a cold voice. Because he can’t cry. He can’t be weak. Not now, not in front of everyone who is racing desperately to save his son’s life behind him.

And Eddie drives like he hasn’t since Afghanistan. Keeping it as steady as possible on the road, while still dodging the idiots who don’t move out of the way. “How long do you think he was down for?”

Bobby hesitates. “Three minutes, maybe four?” His voice is still clipped of all emotions. “I don’t think long enough for,” he doesn’t finish.

“Yeah,” he agrees quietly. Willing the ambulance to move faster.

Bobby is out of the car before Eddie puts it in park. “Thirty-year-old, struck by lightning. Full cardiac arrest, he was down about three minutes before we started compressions.”

“Lightning went through his hands down his midline,” Hen says as she runs next to them. “Could be damage to his internal organs.”

“Got it,” the nurse says, ripping the gurney away from them.

“He’s not currently on any medications, but he has a history of blood clots from a crush injury to the leg, and he’s allergic to Naproxen,” Bobby yells after his son, who is being torn away from him.

“We’ll do our best,” she shouts before the doors slam behind them.

The silence suddenly surrounding them after so much noise is deafening. Eddie wants to scream. Wants to yell at the nurses to do more than their best. Because they don’t know what he’s already lived through. Eddie can hear his own heartbeat thudding in his head. A cruel joke, what he couldn’t hear in Buck.

Eddie can’t move. He can barely breathe. He feels an arm around him, and Bobby is pulling him into a hug. Hen and Chimney crowd around his other side. “I,” his voice catches. “I can’t do this without him.”

“You’re not going to,” Hen whispers into their huddle. “It’s Buck. He’ll be fine. He has to be.”

Chapter Text

Buck is slow to blink his eyes open, the dim lights still too bright. Before he can ask, a plastic straw is being brought to his lips. “Easy,” the voice says.

Buck drinks, more confused than anything else. “What happened?”

“You fell from the second story after your harness snapped,” Bobby says, sitting next to him.

But that doesn’t sound right. Buck remembers rain? But maybe the rain caused equipment failure. “How long was I out for?”

“About two hours,” Bobby says, unconcerned.

“Evan, hey,” Maddie walks into the room. “How are you feeling?”

Buck shrugs. “A bit off, but I feel fine,” he looks her up and down with a smile. “How are my charts looking?”

Maddie scrunches up her face. “Um, I don’t know,” she grabs the clipboard off the end of his bed. 

“You are a nurse, aren’t you?”

She flips through the papers. “I mean, technically. Not in this state, so I can’t give you any advice. But,” she nods. “Looks fine to me. Just get some rest.”

Buck is even more confused than before. “But - whatever,” he looks back at Bobby. “Any clue as to when I can get out of here?”

“Soon, I’ll go get your discharge papers figured out,” Bobby pats him on the shoulder and leaves the room. 

Buck looks back at Maddie after he’s gone. “Are you working today?”

“No, I had the day off to take Jee to this birthday party. But then someone had to hit their head, and here we are.”

Buck frowns. “You mean there was a possibility of waking up to my favorite person, and it didn’t happen?”

“She had so much sugar. She would have vibrated you awake.”

“Alright, kid. I got some papers for you to sign, and then I’ll drop you off at home.”

Buck takes the clipboard. “Can’t I just hang out at the loft until the end of shift?”

Bobby cocks his head. “Why would you want to do that?”

“Well, I don’t want to keep you away from work longer than you need to. I’ll just go home with Eddie after his shift.”

“Did you carpool? It’s no issue, I’ll drop you off on the way back.”

Buck squints at his dad. “Why wouldn’t we carpool?”

Bobby shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. I’m dropping you off, end of discussion.”

“Yes, Dad,” he says quietly as he signs his papers. He misses how both Bobby and Maddie roll their eyes at his dramatics.

“Okay, here are your keys,” Bobby hands him a carabiner that is barely holding everything together. When he grabs it, he pauses. All his keys are there, but something is off. His gold loft key, the one he turned into his landlord two months ago, is sitting at the front of his ring. Where the key to his and Eddie’s house is missing. “You okay, kid?”

“Yeah,” he says quickly. “I just need to get another key ring pretty soon.”

“I know. I’ve been telling you for months you’re going to lose your house key. And how embarrassing for you when you have to call the fire department for them to break down the door for you?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he waves him off. Did he lose his house key? But then why would he still have the key to his loft… no, he probably just forgot that he hadn’t turned it in yet.

Buck doesn’t pay attention to the roads as Bobby drives him home. He keeps staring at his key ring. He isn’t sure why the difference of one key is making him freak out.

“Alright,” Bobby puts the car in park in front of the building. “I trust you can get up the stairs okay?”

Buck finally looks up out of the window. His old apartment building is towering in front of him. “Yeah,” he says out of reflex. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

Buck looks back at Bobby. “Yeah. I’m just going to take a nap. I’ll let you know if I still feel off when I wake up.”

“Okay, just let me know if you need tomorrow off.”

“Will do, Pops,” he says as he slams the door. Buck misses Bobby’s confused calling after him.

He walks the familiar path to his apartment, even if he hasn’t done it in months now. Even before he could finally get out of his lease, Buck had been staying with Eddie and Chris long before he officially moved in.

But, everything is the same. His LAFD coffee mug is in the sink since the morning, and his aloe plant is thriving next to his window. Well, everything is almost the same. “Where the fuck is my couch?” he says as he falls into his armchair. “Did someone steal just my fucking couch?”

Looking at his TV stand, he freezes. It’s not just his couch that’s missing. The photos that decorate his entire home are gone. His group photo of the 118 at his Probie graduation. His group photo of his SEAL team sitting on an MV. The MV that landed on his leg, if he remembers the numbers correctly. And, the most cruel thing to take; his individual picture of Dusty with his gold chain.

His Dusty. His brother. The one who took a bullet for Buck. The only reason he made it long enough for Eddie to save his life.

He stands up from his chair fast, too fast. He races to his closet as he fights the black spots filling his vision. He digs past all his clothes to find the box in the back. But when he opens it, it’s almost empty. It has his passport, thank God that wasn’t stolen. The few childhood photos he has, but that’s it. Not his dog tags, not his enlistment papers, none of his mission logs. All of it is gone.

“What the fuck,” he whispers again. “Just go to sleep, Buck. You’re freaking yourself out,” he strips out of his work clothes to put on sweats when he freezes.

His leg is - normal.

Which is not normal. Over 4 tons of metal landing on your limb does some damage. And none of it is there. The jagged scars where Eddie pulled toxic metal out of his calf. The circles of new flesh where his screws are. Buck grabs his leg with both hands, expecting to feel the tops of the pins around his knee. But it’s just bone.

Buck fully strips down in front of the bathroom mirror. He’s missing the bullet scar on his left arm. The tiny imprint of a knife blade on the bottom of his chin. His blood rushes cold when he turns around. 

His back is clear. His bone frog tattoo with Dusty’s birth and death dates has been wiped clean off his body. He chokes back a sob. 

“No, no no no,” he mutters over and over as he gets into the freezing cold shower. “Wake up, Evan. It’s a dream, wake up.”

~

“He’s shivering,” Eddie says quietly. Eddie looks down at his hand holding Buck’s slowly vibrating with the tremors. “Why is he shivering?”

Bobby puts a hand up to his forehead. “He’s freezing,” he pulls the blanket up closer to his chest. “I’ll go find his nurse.”,” Bobby leaves Eddie rubbing at Buck’s arm.

“Oh, Cariño,” he says softly. “We’ll get you warmed up.”

Bobby comes back in with the nurse carrying three blankets. “We’ll see if this does the trick before we move to warm saline.”

“Why is he so cold?” Eddie asks the nurse.

“It’s really common in coma patients. Especially with the lightning strike essentially restarting his system, his hypothalamus is having a hard time regulating his body temperature on its own.”

 ~

When Buck wakes up, he’s more confused than before. He’s still dreaming, even though he just woke up. 

New Message From Bobby Nash: You feeling okay today, kid? You had me worried when I dropped you off last night.

Buck’s heart stops. Because why would his dad’s contact be Bobby Nash? It has been “Pops” since Evan finally convinced his dad to get him a phone at 14.

New Message To Bobby Nash: Yup! Just needed some sleep, I’ll be in soon.

With everything going wrong, he still knows how to get ready for a shift at the firehouse. He gets into his jeep, flinging his bag into the passenger seat. The drive is familiar enough to calm his nerves enough to stop him from turning around and going back to bed.

He still feels off when he gets to the station. He doesn’t fully remember the drive, but he’s pretty sure he has a mild concussion at least. Even if Maddie says he’s fine. The station feels…off. Everything is the same, but everything feels wrong. But, Buck tells himself he’s probably the only thing wrong.

“Oh hey, Buck. Didn’t see you get here,” Eddie says casually. “Are you feeling better today?” Buck stops in his tracks, looking at the love of his life. Who is looking back at him with a blank expression. Not uninterested, but not the usual care that fills his honey brown eyes. His eyes are hollow. “Buck?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m fine, just feel a little off still.”

He gives him a sideways glance as he walks past him. “Alright, take it easy today, man.” Eddie claps him on the shoulder as he passes.

Buck freezes and spins to watch Eddie walk away. “What did I do to deserve that?” He’s brought back to reality when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

New Message From Mom: Hi Honey! Maddie filled us in about what happened. She said it wasn’t anything serious, but we want to hear from you! Call us when you can.

With caution, Buck opens his contacts. Clicking on his favorites, his breath catches.

Eddie Diaz

Maddie Buckley

Bobby Nash

Chimney Han

Hen Wilson

Mom 

Dad

The funniest thing about this favorite’s list is that Buck doesn’t have a mom. And his dad is listed twice. Unless…

The contact under ‘Dad’ has a strange number, with a Pennsylvania area code. “What the fuck,” he says to himself for the 10th time. 

Before he can talk himself out of it, he clicks on Maddie’s number.

“Buck? What’s up, are you feeling okay today?”

Buck walks back out of the station, not wanting to say this in front of everyone. “Tell me about what happened after Daniel died.”

He can hear Maddie freeze in place. “Why do you want to know?”

“Let’s just say hitting my head jostled some old memories to the front of the filing cabinet,” he starts biting his nails. He hasn’t done that since before bootcamp.

“Well, mom and dad were in a really rough place for a while. I was the one taking care of you for the first few months. They finally snapped out of it when they found me up with you crying from colic at four in the morning.”

“Did you ever hear them talking about, I don’t know. Giving me up? “

Maddie pauses. “Like, to the State?”

“Yeah. Leaving me in a little basket on the steps of a fire station.”

“Evan. Why the fuck would they give away a son after just losing one to cancer?”

My thoughts exactly. “I don’t know. They had me to save him. I failed. You raised me. You can’t say it never crossed their minds?”

“Are you doing okay? Mentally, I mean?”

“I think so. I’ve just been thinking about that for a bit. Hitting my head made it feel more real, somehow.”

“Call mom and dad. Please, for my sake. You’re scaring me.”

~ 

“Bobby,” Chimney says quietly.

He jerks awake in the chair he’s slumped in. “Hm,” he questions.

“Go get some sleep, you haven’t left in two days.”

Bobby shakes his head. “I can’t leave him.”

“You’re not doing him any good straining your neck sitting in that chair. We’ll call you if anything happens.”

Bobby groans as he stands up. He kisses his birthmark before leaving the room.

Chimney takes the seat over. “You’ve got everyone really worried, you know.”

Buck’s chest rises and falls in response. 

“I’m pretty sure Chris is planning on scaling the building via rope. We’ve explained he’s your kid, adoption papers or not. But they won’t budge. So, you’ve got to wake up for him, okay?” 

Chimney sits in company with the heart monitor. As odd as it is, he finds it comforting. After he felt his chest cavity still under his hands.

~

“Buck! You’re missing shift change updates, come on!” Bobby calls out into the parking lot.

“Yeah, sorry,” he puts his phone away, already deciding he will not be calling the contact listed under mom. “Did I miss anything important?”

“The weather forecast calls for lots of rain, so they’re warning about the possibility of flash flooding.”

Buck hums in acknowledgement. “Rain in LA, call in the coastguard.” Bobby chuckles softly at the joke. “Do you want me to get started on lunch?”

Bobby stares at him with confusion, even Chimney leans back in his chair to watch the conversation. “Are you sure you can handle that on your own?”

“Yes? Are we still doing the enchilada casserole, or did we switch up the schedule?”

“I can be up in twenty minutes to help. Just, start on the vegetables.”

“What, I hit my head and suddenly I can’t cook without burning down the loft?” Everyone stares at him with various levels of disbelief. “Oh my god, you all think I’m going to burn down the loft.”

“It’s not that!” Hen yells. “It’s just, the last time you tried to start lunch,” she grimaces.

“You used a whole bottle of paprika in the lasagna,” Chimney finishes.

Buck raises his eyebrows. “Well, I promise I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to spices.” Everyone is staring at Buck with mild caution and awe as he dices the peppers and onions perfectly. “Do we have any fresh garlic or are we using pre-minced?”

Bobby blinks at him. “I think we have a clove in here somewhere,” he starts digging through the fridge.

Buck is taking the peppers off of the stove when the alarm sounds. He groans and puts them to the side. “Perfect timing as always.”

“Heavy rainfall caused a sink hole downtown,” Bobby says over headset as they pull out of the station. “A car with two adults and a toddler got sucked in. Dispatch says everyone is presently okay, but the dirt is unstable and could cause more rubble to collapse on top of the car.”

Buck sighs. Sink holes are always fun. You never know when the dirt will give way on top of everyone inside. “What’s that plan?”

“One man rope rescue. Any more than that, we risk the ground falling more,” everyone nods. In what seems like less than a minute, the engine pulls up to the sinkhole.

Buck hops out, first as always. Buck grabs the harness off the side when he feels someone walk up behind him.

“Where do you think you’re going, Buck?” Eddie asks him, grabbing his arm to stop him.

Buck squints at him. “Down?” He points at the hole. “Give me my harness back.”

Eddie shakes his head and puts it out of Buck’s reach. “You don’t do rope rescues, Buck. Just feed the cable.” Eddie turns around, somehow already wearing his harness. 

And that hurts. Not being told to back off a rescue, but the lack of trust in his eyes when saying it.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Buck asks softly.

Eddie levels a glare at him. “Don’t be difficult. I know you’re not used to having someone hold your life in their hands, just trying to help you out.

Buck finally snaps. “You did, Eddie!” He shouts. “You held my life in your hands. You are the fucking reason I am alive, and I am sick of how you have been treating me like I’m made of fucking glass!” Hen and Chimney both look at him with concern.

Bobby finally walks over and stands in between the two of them. “Eddie, go down. Chimney, take the ropes.”

“Cap-”

“Buckley. Take a walk,” Bobby places a hand on his shoulder and both of them move to the ambulance. “What is going on with you?”

“Cap, something's wrong,” Buck stands up before Bobby pulls him back down to sit.

“You’re damn right something is wrong!” Bobby yells. “I cannot believe that you would do something like that, on a call!”

Buck shrinks into himself. Buck has pushed Bobby in several ways over the years. But Buck cannot remember the last time he was honest to God yelled at by his dad. He shakes his head, feeling his heart beat echo through his chest. “No. Eddie can’t be down there. Something’s gonna happen,” he grabs at his chest. “I can’t,” his chest stutters again.

“Buck?” Bobby’s face goes from anger to concern in a matter of seconds. “What- slow breaths,” Bobby places a hand on his back to try and calm his system down.

Eddie jerks awake when Buck’s monitors start screaming. “Nurse!” He yells after hitting the call button. “Buck, love. Please breathe for me, Cariño.”

“Even with the ventilator, he’s not getting enough oxygen. I’m not hearing any movement. I’m going to take him off and bag him.”

“Buck, come on, kid.”

Buck’s chest stutters before stopping. He takes a deep breath. “Sorry, I don’t know what happened. My lungs just stopped working.”

“And now?” Bobby asks.

“No, yeah. I feel fine.”

Bobby blinks at him. “I think we need to take you back for some more tests.”

“I feel like I’m going crazy,” he admits quietly. “I don’t belong here.”

“Buck,” Bobby puts both his hands on Buck’s shoulders. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you belong here. You are an amazing firefighter.”

“No, not here,” he nods to the engine. “Here,” he gestures all around him. “Ever since I woke up in the hospital. I’m going to sound crazy. I already sound crazy.”

Bobby shuts the door to the ambulance. “What’s going on?”

Buck decides to just go for it. “Can you tell me about what happened before you moved to LA? When you got sober?”

Bobby’s face pales two shades. “Are you worried that you have a drinking problem?”

Buck’s eyes widen. “Shit, I should’ve worded that better. No, I mean. Literally what happened, what caused you to move?”

Bobby lets out a deep breath. “Um, I wasn’t sober when I got here. Not really. I wasn’t drinking everyday, but I might as well have been. But it’s been seven years now. If you don’t count those LSD brownies. And as much as I want to count them, my sponsor says it’s not healthy to dwell on things that weren’t my fault.”

Good to know we still got drugged in this world. “Wait. When did you get to LA?”

“Almost two years before you got to the 118. Why are you bringing this up?”

“Well, let’s lean into the crazy. 22 years ago, did you respond to a fire at a boys group home in Minnesota? Possibly on June 21st?”

Bobby leans back in his chair. “I don’t know the exact date, but yeah. How do you know that?”

“Because I started that fire. I - I don’t know what’s going on. But something happened. Because you and I met at that group home, and you adopted me a year later, and we moved to LA. And now everything is wrong,” he stands up and paces around the ambulance. As much as he can pace, anyways. “Because my leg is fine, and my dogtags are gone, and Eddie won’t even look at me, and I don’t know what’s going on,” he turns back to Bobby. “And now you think I’ve gone insane, and you’re going to have me committed.”

Bobby stands and pulls him into a hug. “Kid, I don’t know what’s going on. But we’ll figure it out, okay?”

Chimney flings to doors open. “What the hell is going on in here? Give me my gurney!” He yanks the bed out from behind them. “Now, if Buck is done being dramatic, can I put a patient in here?”

Buck smiles. “Glad to see you’re the same. She’s all yours,” Buck pats the door as he hops out. “God, my leg hasn’t felt this good since I was in high school,” he smiles to himself.

Bobby slowly steps down out of the ambulance. “I wish my legs still worked like yours,” he grumbles. “What happened to yours?”

“A 2 ton MV crashed on top of my leg,” he shrugs. “Eddie saved my life. Pulled all the metal out before infection could set in.”

Bobby stops walking. “I’d say I can’t believe you, but the thing is I can.”

~

“What happened?” Bobby asks as he rushes back into the room.

Eddie is staring blankly at Buck. “They put him on ECMO, so his lungs can heal.”

Bobby sits in the other chair and pulls out his rosary beads. “I thought they were worried about his heart.”

“Well, now they’re worried about his lungs,” Eddie lies his head on Buck’s hand. “The lightning caused a pulmonary contusion.”

“Did they say how long he’s staying on it?”

“A few days, at least. They’re hoping his oxygen levels rise enough that they can take him off sedation.”

Bobby lowers his head. “I can’t leave him again.”

Eddie’s face falls. “Bobby,” he grabs his hand across Buck’s torso. “This would have happened if you were here or not.”

Bobby just shakes his head without looking up. “He came home. He was supposed to be safe, now that he’s home. And then this happens.”

“This was a literal freak of nature. Nothing could have stopped this.”

“I could’ve gone up that ladder!” He nearly shouts. “It should’ve been me, not him. Never him.”

Chapter Text

Bobby and Buck are driving the ambulance to the hospital in near silence when Bobby finally speaks up. “So,” he starts slowly. “You and Eddie?”

Buck smiles. “Yeah. We just moved in together two months ago. We’re not together here?” Wherever here actually is.

“Eddie is straight here.”

Buck’s eyes shoot out of his head. “Oh, the Catholic guilt still has him in a chokehold here.”

“The last girlfriend he broke up with used to be a nun in training.”

Buck laughs for the first time since waking up in this hell. “Oh. My God,” he wheezes out. “That is hysterical!” 

Bobby eyes him with concern. “Please don’t stop breathing on me again.”

Buck shakes his head. “I don’t know what’s going on, dad.”

Bobby glances over at him sadly. “I’m sorry that I can’t be the dad you know.”

Buck shakes his head. “It’s weird. I don’t know if this is my twisted version of paradise, or if I’m in hell for all the shit I had to do overseas.”

“Explain that to me.”

“I’ve always wondered what my life would be if I was never given up for adoption. And apparently, I wouldn’t have joined the SEALs, which makes no sense to me. If this is my brain making up a dream, it’s doing a really shitty job of it.”

Before Bobby can respond, they’re pulling into the hospital. “Think of it this way: you’re a firefighter here too. That has to mean something.”

Buck shrugs. “I guess,” he looks out the window. “You know, you tried to talk me out of joining the fire academy.”

Bobby squints his eyebrows. “Why would I do that? You’re an amazing firefighter.”

Buck chews on his nails. “You were just worried. I had been home from overseas for about two years, I had just been officially medically discharged from the Navy. I felt like my whole lifes purpose was gone and,” he shakes his head. “I was in a really, really bad place.”

“So your thought was fire academy?” He sounds skeptical.

“I can never work a desk job. And I didn’t want to feel useless, like I came back defective or-”

Bobby grabs his hand before Buck gets too choked up. “You’re meant to be here, Buck.”

“But I’m not.”

Bobby sighs. “Okay, but you’re meant to be a firefighter,” Bobby parks the car in front of the emergency department doors. “Just, do some deep breathes or something until we get back to the station.”

~

Buck is trying to salvage the peppers enough to put into the casserole when he feels a familiar frame box him in. “Hey, Eddie,” he mutters, still focused on lunch.

He pauses, hesitant to even talk to Buck. “Can we talk?” His voice is clipped.

Buck nods. “Of course, what’s up?” Before he gets a response, he feels the warmth walking away from him. “Eds?” He turns around, just in time to see Eddie walking upstairs to the roof.

The door is barely closed behind him before Eddie turns on him. “What the hell was that?”

Buck backs against the door, Eddie’s frame towering over him. “What,” Buck is slow to answer in his confusion.

“The sinkhole? Or did you already forget?” He snaps. “Shouting nonsense about me holding your life in my hands? You scared the shit out of everyone.” He steps away from Buck, hands flying into his hair.

Buck shakes his head. “It’s not nonsense, Eddie. You saved my life, I-”

“When?” Eddie is shouting now. “We haven’t been partners for even a year. I think I would remember you almost dying on a call!”

“No that’s- that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean? Because from where I was standing, it looked like you were having some kind of breakdown. You scared the hell out of me.”

Buck opens his mouth. Closes it. His chest feels too tight. “I’m not having,” he groans. “I’m trying to explain that something is wrong. With all of this.” He gestures around helplessly. “This isn’t, it’s not right, Eds.”

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie snaps immediately.

Buck flinches like he’s been slapped.

“Listen, man. Maybe you hit your head harder than you thought. You’ve been acting off ever since you came in today.” Buck searches his face for any scrap of his Eddie. And he just sees, dull brown eyes. The face of someone more worried about how Buck being off his game will effect the whole team, more than his worry about Buck.

“Yeah, maybe,” he can feel his eyes threaten to spill over. 

Eddie softens. “Go get checked out. Seriously. Let the doctors clear you before you come back.”

Before Buck can agree, the alarm is sounding below.

Eddie groans. “Maybe after this call,” he pulls the door open next to Buck’s still frame. Buck isn’t quick enough to follow him. “Hurry up, Buckley.”

Buck stands frozen as Eddie jogs inside.

That name. That tone. That distance.

It feels like a knife.

When he finally moves off the wall, his breath catches in a jagged cough that burns down his chest. He steadies himself on a railing as black dots flicker at the edges of his vision.

He chalks it up to stress.

He doesn’t know it’s his body losing oxygen.

Bobby takes one look at Buck’s face just shakes his head. “Kid, you’re as white as a sheet. You’re done. Hospital. Now.”

Buck hardly has the breath to agree, he just sits in the ambulance seat trying not to lose consciousness. Bobby tries to force him in a wheelchair, but he insists on walking. Even if his lungs feel like they’re on fire, he’s gone through worse. He’s so close to falling to the floor he thinks that head of distinct red hair is a mirage. 

“Dusty?” Buck calls after the head of man turning a corner.

“Buck?” Chimney calls after him but Buck waves him off.

Buck turns down the hallway in time to see him duck into one of the patient rooms. He stumbles the door, holding himself up on the handle. The sight of the 6 year dead man in front of him makes his heart lurche uncomfortably. It’s Dusty. But he’s, off. His coily hair is shaved close to his head. His face is a blank white, all of his freckles are gone.

He looks up from his chair. “Hey, little Casper.”

“Am I dead?” He asks. Buck has been trying to convince himself that he’s just dreaming, but every passing minute it becomes harder to believe.

Dusty chuckles at him. “Why would you think that?” Dusty rakes his eyes up and down Buck’s slumped form. “But from the looks of you, you aren’t too far off now.”

“Because you’re here, and I’m here, and everything’s wrong.”

“Wrong?” He cocks his head. “Me being alive is wrong to you? Your leg not hurting is wrong to you?”

“It’s not my life!” The outburst has his vision dotting in front of him. He drags himself over to the bed and nearly falls into it.

“Because everything in your life is so perfect? Where your parents abandoned you after you failed to save their son?”

“Why are you saying this to me?” Because it’s his Dusty. Buck would never hear his big brother tear him down this way.

“Because here, I never died saving your dumbass. Because no one else was stupid enough to stand in open fire mid day.”

“I never asked you to save me,” Buck feels the tears pool in his eyes.

“And you didn’t have to. Because you just expected someone to be there for you. Because you take, and you take, Evan. It’s all you’ve ever done.”

Buck blinks and he’s strapped to the bed. Bloodied ropes dig into his wrists, but also IVs and wires and coming off of every piece of available skin. Erratic beeps fill the room, and no one comes in to check. “I’m dying, aren’t I.”

“Hmm,” Dusty glances over the top of his magazine. “Not quite there, but I imagine it’s coming pretty soon, Ghost,” he chuckles to himself. “Ghost will finally be a ghost, after all these years.”

“How do I get out of here?”

Dusty finally drops the magazine. “And why the fuck would I help you? You want to leave me? Again?”

Buck shakes his head, tears threatening to fall. “Don’t do this to me, man. Don’t make me feel bad for having a life.”

Dusty looks at the shrieking monitors and then back at Buck. “I can’t save you, Ghost. That’s all on you, brother,” he stands and places a hand on his shoulder. “Better head out soon, you’re not getting enough oxygen in here,” he whispers.

And Buck can feel the air getting thinner. The walls closing in on him. “Dust,” he croaks.

“Deep breaths, little Casper,” he shuts the door behind him.

And Buck is alone, choking on nothing. The cold empty room surrounding him. He jumps when he feels something grab his hand. And he’s grabbing his hand. He’s looking down on himself now, violently shaking as wires tangle him up. 

He’s about to give into the cool numbness surrounding him when he hears a whisper behind his ear. Love, please, Eddie cries weakly into his ear. 

“No,” he croaks. “Eds,” he manages to pull his weak body out of the ropes holding him down. “Eds,” he grasps out wildly, feeling his cold hands brush up against warm ones. And then the world goes dark.