Chapter Text
She didn't even remember that it was her birthday. Truthfully, she wasn't sure how Silco knew when her birthday was, but these days she didn't have the mental capacity to question things like that. To her, Silco was practically an all knowing deity, a savior. When Vi left her alone, crying in the rain, he had come and scooped her up, unnecessarily taking on the burden of a child.
Jinx owed him everything.
Sometimes it was still hard to remember that was her name now. The ghosts in her mind hadn't caught on yet, they still whispered Powder in her ear, over and over again, in an infuriating chant.
They never left her alone. Mylo was the loudest, just like he had been when he was alive. He always had something to say, always knew exactly what would mess with her fragile mind.
All day long, he taunted her with all her mistakes, all the ways she was a failure and a disappointment. Many days, she would run to Silco with tears streaming down her cheeks, her head throbbing from the constant, never-ending ache. He would hold her and gently pet her head as he whispered reassurances about how she Jinx was perfect. Some days, it was exactly what she needed to hear, others, it left her reeling even more than before.
They all called her Jinx now, Silco told her Powder was dead, and she mostly believed that, but some days she still felt like Powder. Some days, despite the resentment that bubbled in her veins, she held tight to the stuffed bunny Vi had gifted to her the day everything fell apart. She clutched it so hard her knuckles turned white, and her tears soaked it's poorly stitched fabric.
She wished she had her bunny right now.
Vander had always made sure to celebrate their birthdays, maybe that's how Silco had discovered hers. He always shut down The Last Drop for the day, decorated the dance floor, made whatever their favorite treat was, and put on their favorite songs. It wasn't much, but it was some of her best memories.
She and Vi had a favorite song, one that Silco had since removed from the old jukebox. Vander had told them it had been their mother's favorite, too, and it made them feel a little closer with her, even though her memory faded more and more with every passing day.
While Vi had detailed stories of things they had once done with their parents, Jinx had nothing except fuzzy faces and the occasional scent that would stir something deep inside her and leave her longing for the mother she couldn't remember.
Right now, surrounded by a handful of people that were decades older than her and looked like they would rather be anywhere else, Jinx wished her sister were there. She wished Vi was there to grab her hands and twirl her around as Vander put on their song. She wished Mylo were there to make jokes that were so unfunny you had to laugh, and that Claggor was there to wrap her in a bear hug. At the end of the night, when she had eaten her body weight in sweets and danced herself to exhaustion, Vander would scoop her up and put her to bed. Sometimes, she would pretend to be asleep, just so he would carry her, tuck her in, and plant a soft kiss right on her forehead.
She had spent every day of the last several months haunted by what happened, but none of them felt as miserable as today did. Today was a reminder that she had lived to see another year while the rest of her family hadn't. She was alive, but she was alone, save for Silco.
Silco was the only person she had left. What choice did she have but to cling to him?
Jinx duh her nails into the soft skin of her palm, savoring the brief moment of relief she got from the stinging pain. That was something she had learned early on. The voices only vanished when she was in pain. The worse the pain, the quieter her brain. She bit her cheek as Silco walked out with a small cake covered in pink icing with a single candle on top. Her stomach churned, and just the sight of the sickly sweet pastry made her want to vomit.
That was another side effect of that day: she had completely lost her appetite. She would go days at a time without eating, not because of a lack of food like she had known as a child, but because she simply didn't want to eat. Whenever the gnawing pain in her stomach got too intense, and she finally caved and ate whatever she could stomach, the food was bland and left her gagging. She knew that even cake wouldn't remedy that.
"Happy birthday, child," Silco cooed as he placed the cake in front of her. The single, flickering candle cast a warm, orange glow across the room, reminding Jinx of the sharp glow of Silco's injured eye. Shadows danced on the walls around her, shifting into the images of the monsters that lived inside her.
She saw Mylo and Claggor's shadowy, corpselike forms staring at her with dead eyes. A chill raced down her spine as she stared at them, her heart racing in her chest like a rabbit caught in a trap. Memories flickered in her mind— blood, rubble, the scent of charred flesh, smoke filling her lungs. She had gone back to look for them, and, oh, what a mistake that had been. Claggor was unrecognizable, his body so battered from being crushed by the crumbling building. Mylo was even more haunting. A long pole stuck out from his chest, and his eyes were open and vacant.
Her eyes wildly darted around the room as the ghosts closed in on her, reminding her that it should've been her, not them. She was certain they were going to kill her, but then there was a flash of pink, pushing them back.
Vi.
Even as a ghost, her big sister was always there to protect her. It only made the hole in her heart heart worse. Vi should be there. They should be celebrating together, but instead, Vi was dead. Because of her.
You're a jinx! Mylo was right.
Jinx flinched, and her hand twitched as she fought the urge to reach up and cover her ears. She was still vaguely aware of all the eyes that were settled on her, watching her descent. Plenty of them hated her. They were only there because Silco commanded them to be. If it were up to them, she would be tossed onto the streets and left for dead. The last thing she needed was to show them how weak she was. She needed to prove herself as something strong, something to be feared, and she certainly wasn't doing that by losing it in front of them over a stupid birthday cake.
Ignoring the shrieking voices, Jinx leaned forward and blew out the candle, bathing the room in darkness. Silco gently petted her head, smoothing out the two braids that now adorned her head. For weeks after that day, she refused to let anyone touch her hair. It had gotten so matted, Sevika had been certain they would have to chop it all off, but Silco had listened to her wailing and known it wasn't an option. He sat for hours, scrubbing her hair with soap and condition and working a brush through the knots. After that, every day he brushed through her hair and put it in two, neat braids.
At first, it reminded her of Vi, but now, she used it as a way to forget Vi. She sat perfectly still on Silco's lap as he ran the brush through her hair, giving in to the static that always lurked in her mind until it was over.
Jinx leaned into Silco's touch, the voices momentarily fading to quiet background noise. He placed a small box in front of her, and she smiled robotically. There was no real emotion behind the expression, but she had to put on an act to show her gratitude. She had to be grateful and make herself useful, otherwise Silco would get tired of her and throw her away.
She opened the box, and stared at the small, brass and steel pistol nestled inside.
Her own gun.
Her lips twitched into a genuine smile, her mind empty as she picked it up, her fingers instinctively curling around the trigger. She had always been a good shooter. Nobody could beat her at the shooting range in the old arcade, and she always beat Ekko when they played paintball. Every time he thought he could outrun her bullets, and every time she hit him right in the center of his chest.
Her head spun at the memory of her old friend, and she quickly pushed thoughts of him away. He was gone, too. She wasn't quite sure what had happened to him, but it didn't really matter. She was alone, except for Silco. Now, Silco was the only thing that mattered.
"You're thirteen now, I think you're more than old enough to start helping out on missions," Silco said as he adjusted her grip.
Jinx nodded eagerly. Finally, she would have a chance to prove that she could be useful. Sure, her bombs and weapons had come a long way, and Silco kept her busy with building those, but now, she could prove that she wasn't just a weak little girl anymore.
She set the gun down and hugged Silco, muttering a quiet thanks. Speaking had gotten harder since that day, too. Janna knew she could scream until her throat was raw, but words were scarce and quiet. Everyone knew she could talk, she just chose not to.
Hugging Silco was very different from hugging Vander, Vi, or Claggor. He lacked all the warmth and affection that they had held. His embraces were cold and stiff, but she supposed it was better than nothing.
"Eat your cake, child," Silco instructed as he finally pulled away from her, gesturing toward the untouched cake.
Jinx's stomach churned in protest, but she knew better than to disobey, even over something as silly as this. Reluctantly, she picked up the fork and broke off a small piece. Just as she expected, the frosting was disgustingly sweet, and she could already feel her stomach churning. She forced bite after bite into her mouth though, letting that familiar static in her mind take over while her body ran on autopilot.
When her plate was finally clean, her belly was full and bloated. She felt disgusting. The voices planted terrifying thoughts into her head, urging her to take Silco's knife and carve her stomach open to get rid of the disgusting cake, but she knew that would only cause her more problems.
Before her twitching hands could wander towards dangerous objects, she left, mumbling some excuse to Silco as she ran toward her hideout. She had found the cave about a month after Silco took her in, and she had taken the liberty to make it her own. Sleep was not her friend, but she found it was a little easier to get a few hours of rest in the cave than it was at The Last Drop, surrounded by ghosts and memories.
Tonight, though, the darkness was not her friend. She didn't even get a chance to sit down before the voices attacked her, and menacing demons filled her vision, approaching her from every angle and leaving her cornered.
You're a jinx!
She jinxes every job.
She never does anything right.
You killed us.
Jinx whimpered and covered her ears. Her stomach churned, and her vision blurred as bile rose up her throat, burning her mouth. She leaned over and gagged, expelling whatever remained of the cake from her body. The acrid taste stung her mouth, and her stomach still ached, but at least she didn't feel quite as bloated.
She sighed and laid on the cool, metal ground beside the puddle of vomit, careful to keep her hair away from it. The voices had been dimmed to a whisper, for now, but she knew it wouldn't last long. She just wanted a moment to rest. Her mind and body were spent from the events of the last several hours, and she could barely find the energy to move.
Just as she had started to doze off, a sound jolted her awake. It wasn't unusual for there to be strange sounds that disturbed her. There was a colony of bats that lived in the cave, and sometimes they could get quite disruptive. This was different, though. It sounded like footsteps.
She knew Silco's footsteps like the back of her hand, and these weren't his. They were quieter, lighter, like someone was trying, and failing, to sneak in. She sat up, her vision blurring dangerously as she reached for her pistol. She had never been so glad for a birthday present before. She had no idea if the gun was loaded or if she even knew how to use a real gun, but she hoped the threat of it would be enough to ward off whoever was foolish enough to sneak into her space.
Her finger rested on the trigger, and she aimed in the direction of the sound, her finger twitching, ready to press down as she saw someone emerge.
"Powder?"
The name sliced through her like she had become a piece of cake. This time, it wasn't just the ghosts in her mind taunting her with it, this voice was real.
Her eyes focused just enough to make out his wide, nervous eyes, and his comfortingly familiar white hair. Immediately, the gun dropped from her hand.
"Ekko?" she whispered, her voice trembling.
Was this real? Was he real? Or was this just another cruel figment of her broken imagination?
Before she could process anything, Ekko was running toward her. Instinctively, she flinched, only to melt as he pulled her into his arms. Hugging him was everything that hugs with Silco weren't. It was warm and so full of emotion it made her feel like she was going to explode.
"Gods, I've been looking everywhere for you, Powder. I missed you so much," Ekko muttered as he held her as tightly as he could. Just like her, he had lost everyone that night, and he had been so scared that he had lost her, too. For weeks, he had assumed that she died alongside the rest of her siblings until he heard the rumors that Silco had taken in a little blue-haired girl. He had looked everywhere for her, and finally, he managed to find her.
He was going to save her.
There was so much he wanted to tell her, and most of all, he couldn't wait to show her the tree he had found and decided to call home. He figured there would be plenty of time for that later, though. Soon enough, it would be her home, too. At least that's what he had thought.
"Missed you too, Little Man," Jinx choked out, her voice raspy from disuse.
When Ekko finally let go of her, she took a moment to look at him. He was growing up fast. Already, his face and muscles were more defined than she remembered them being the last time she had seen him. He was still Little Man, there was no doubt about that, but soon enough, he would lose what little remained of his baby fat and his mischievous, boyish energy.
Ekko watched as Powder scanned him, and he looked over her. Initially, he had seen that flash of blue hair, and his relief that he had finally found her blinded him. Nothing else mattered, except it did. She looked awful. Her eyes were dull and sunken, and he wondered how long it had been since she last slept. Aside from that, she wore a baggy crop top, clearly it had been cut from what she had used to wear. Her pale stomach was on display, and he could see the ribs poking through her flesh. She looked skeletal, and it made his heart race with concern. Had she been eating?
Did Silco do this to her?
He had a million questions, but he bit his tongue, and opted to pull out the small, paper package in his pocket instead. His heart skipped a beat as he held it out to her, waiting for her to take it.
Jinx furrowed her brows and hesitantly took the package from him. She had no doubt that he knew exactly what today was. They had celebrated every birthday together for as long as she could remember. She couldn't remember a life without Ekko in it. He had always been there, always been her best friend. Things were different now, though. She wasn't Powder anymore.
She opened the package anyway, pulling out a small, mechanical Firelight. It was amazing, and something she knew that only Ekko could build. For a moment, her mind shut off, shifting into hyperfocus as she examined the workmanship and mechanics. They had always been each other's inventive partners. He was a genius when it came to building things, and the small toy was no exception. Carefully, she turned the small lever to wind up the toy, and she released it, watched as the small bulb on its back came to life with green light, and its metallic wings fluttered through the air.
It was mesmerizing to watch.
"I remember you used to like going down to the tunnels to watch the firelights there," Ekko said shyly, watching the green light reflect in her cloudy blue eyes.
"It's amazing, Ekko," she replied, a warm and fuzzy feeling blooming in her chest.
"Happy birthday, Powder," he whispered as he gently grabbed her hand.
One word. Her own name was all it took to shatter the illusion. She was thrown back into her cruel, lonely reality. She wasn't Powder anymore, she was Jinx, now.
"That's not my name anymore," she said firmly, abruptly pulling her hand away from him.
"What are you—" Ekko didn't get the chance to finish his question before she interrupted him with his answer.
"My name is Jinx."
Ekko flinched. He knew the weight that name held. He had heard Mylo call her that name time and time again to bother her. He never believed it for a second. In fact, he was always in awe of how intelligent and creative Powder was, but Mylo didn't understand her like he did.
"Pow, you're not—"
"That's not my name!" Jinx snapped, her eyes flashing with anger.
Didn't he get that Powder died alongside her siblings? She wasn't the innocent little girl he had known. She was a monster. Did he know what she had done? Did he know that she was the reason they were dead? Her stomach churned and she tried to swallow the bile the burned her throat, but she couldn't stop herself from retching.
Ekko watched with wide eyes as she fell to her knees, and he quickly pulled back her bangs and braids, holding them out of her face as she puked. He had noticed the other puddle of vomit, but he hadn't had a money to mention it yet. Clearly, she was sick. He needed to get her out, and get her help.
When she was done, sweat beaded her forehead, and tears stung her eyes. She struggled to sit up, another wave of exhaustion wracking through her. She supposed this was what she got for not eating or sleeping consistently.
"Hey, it's okay, I'm gonna get you some help," Ekko fretted as he held her in his arms.
"I'm gonna get you out of here," he mumbled as he went to pick her up.
The words registered in Jinx's hazy mind, and she ripped away from his grasp. She wasn't a damsel in distress. She didn't need help.
"I'm not going anywhere. I don't need your help," Jinx huffed as she backed away from him.
"Powder, Silco's not here. You don't have to stay here. I have a place we can go! I've found some new friends, we're starting a group called the Firelights. We're gonna help people and stop Silco," Ekko chattered excitedly, fully believing that his words would convince her to join him.
Jinx laughed, the sound sharp and bitter, so different from the laugh Ekko had once known so well.
"Silco isn't keeping me here. He takes care of me. He loves me," she replied firmly, though she was trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince Ekko.
"Powder—"
"I told you, that's not my name!" she snarled, the noise in her mind flaring at her outburst.
Ekko froze, uncertain of how to proceed. This wasn't how he thought things would go.
"Jinx," he mumbled, the word foreign in his mouth. It felt like the final nail in the coffin. Despite her stubborn insistence, the moment he said the word, he regretted it. He felt the energy between them shift and he knew there was no going back to what they had been before.
"There you go, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Jinx replied snarkily, her lips twisted into a mocking grin.
Ekko's stomach churned. This wasn't the girl he knew. He knew what grief did to a person, he could understand the dark, hollow eyes, afterall, he still saw Benzo's death in his dreams every night. This was different, though. It was like all the kindness and sweetness had been sucked out of Powder, leaving behind a rotten, twisted shell. Even then, he didn't want to leave her.
He had no doubt that this was Silco's doing. Silco had messed with her mind and warped her into something almost unrecognizable, but if he just got her away from him…
Without another thought, Ekko grabbed her wrist and attempted to drag her away. Surely, if he could just get her out and show her everything he had been build— things he had been building for her— then she would listen, right?
They only made it a few steps before her hand stung his face with a harsh slap, making him stumble back in shock. He had never seen Powder hit anyone before, but she had just hit him.
"I don't need to be saved," Jinx growled, her hand trembling.
She only processed what she had done after it was too late to stop herself. Now, she had a minute, at most, before her mind fell into chaos. Already, she could feel the heat rushing to her cheeks, and the phantom stinging pain of the slap that had changed her life forever. She was no better than Vi. No, she was far worse than Vi. She was a murderer. For so long, she had been angry with Vi, but now, she wished Vi had hurt her more. She wished Vi had just killed her and spared her from this misery.
Ekko was speechless. There were no words left for him to say, he just stared at her with a wounded gaze.
"Get out of here, Boy Savior," she spat mockingly, staining him with a new, cruel nickname.
The words hurt worse than the slap. Not only was she pushing him away, she had the audacity to insult him for caring about her, for trying to help.
Boy Savior.
Little did he know those two words would follow him and haunt him for years to come. He wasn't a savior. Not to her. The one person he cared about most, he couldn't save.
There was nothing left for him to say. He turned away from her and left, shattering what had remained of their friendship on the way out.
He heard the crunch of metal beneath his foot— the firelight he had gifted her. Maybe, if he wasn't so angry and hurt, he would be upset about all his hard work crumbling just like that, but he was glad to leave the broken pieces behind as a reminder for her.
Just as he reached the entrance, he paused for a moment. He knew he should just walk away and leave it alone, but he couldn't.
"You know you're nothing except a prize to him, right? He doesn't care about you, he's using you. If you want to stay here, though, be my guest," Ekko spat, sparing one last glance at her before he turned his back to her for good. He would regret it. He knew he would, but the anger burned inside him, and he needed to let it out. He needed her to know the truth, though he had a feeling, at least to some degree, she already knew it.
Jinx gritted her teeth so hard, she thought they would break. The moment he was out of sight, and she could no longer hear the echoes of his footsteps, the dam broke, and she crumbled.
You ruin everything.
He hates you.
You never deserved him.
Nobody will ever love you.
Jinx shrieked and covered her ears, letting her nails dig into her scalp. Memories of orange flames and rain washing away her tears and begging screams resurfaced, and she felt like she was going to drown.
Violet, please!
I need you!
Tears streamed down Jinx's face, and she dragged her nails along her cheek, leaving angry red marks in the same spot that Vi had hit her that night— the same spot she had hit Ekko only moments ago.
Nobody was coming for her. She didn't deserve anyone.
She cowered as Mylo's sinister face loomed over her, his laughter like nails on a chalkboard. In the corner of her vision, she saw a glimpse of pink hair, and her heart skipped a beat.
"Vi?" she whispered, a dangerous flicker of hope in her voice.
Vi's ghost turned around, but her fists were raised and stained with blood. Her eyes were narrowed and burning with rage.
You did this.
"No, no… I'm sorry!" Jinx sobbed, flinching violently as the ghost lunged toward her. She curled into herself, pressing her forehead against the floor and squeezing her eyes shut in hopes of blocking the cruel images that filled her vision. Her breath was quick and shallow, and her hands were held firmly over her head, blocking out as much of the noise and violence as she could.
"It was an accident… it was an accident," she muttered the words over and over again like they were a sacred prayer. She wasn't the one that needed to be convinced, though. Accident or not, she was the reason they were dead, and she knew they had every right to be venegeful. As terrifying as it was, she knew she deserved the torment.
Eventually, the episode came to an end. It could've been minutes or hours, she wasn't sure, but she was relieved when the scattered, scribbled lines that surrounded her ghosts faded away, allowing her vision to clear, and the voices dulled to soft whispers. She stayed in her position for a moment longer, trying to get her breath to return to a normal, steady rate.
Every muscle in her body ached, but she forced herself to stand anyway. She walked over to where the little firelight lay broken on the floor. She knelt down, scooping it into her hands, but she knew it was beyond repair. Tears spilled down her eyes as she cradled the broken gift close to her chest.
She missed him. That hadn't been a lie. They couldn't be friends anymore, though. The moment he found out what she had done— that she was the reason they were all dead— he would hate her. He would leave her, just like Vi did. It was like Silco always told her, everyone else betrays them. She couldn't handle the heartbreak of another betrayal, so this time, she had to gaurd her heart and push him away. It was better this way.
Why did it feel like she was being ripped apart, then?
With the broken mechanical bug still clutched tightly in her hand, she staggered toward the patchwork sofa she had dragged all the way from the basement of The Last Drop. It was the only spot she could ever get even a brief moment of sleep. She collapsed onto the couch and curled up, laying the pieces on the fabric beside her. She wanted to keep the final remnant of Ekko close, but right now, she needed her sister.
She reached for the stuffed bunny, and wrapped herself around it, burying her face in the threadbare fabric.
"Dear friend, across the river…" Jinx began to sing the lullaby, her voice cracking in between her sobs. Their mother had taught them the song, but it was Vi's voice she remembered most. Vi would hum along while she sang the words, and then Vi would tuck her into bed. They used it the most after a nightmare. Vi had always told her to sing the song when she was scared and then things would be okay. Back then she had believed every word her big sister told her, but now, it was nothing more than a habit.
Her voice trailed off as her eyes fluttered, and finally fell closed. Sleep would not be kind to her, it never was. Despite her tight grip, the bunny fell out of her arms, tumbling toward the cold ground, and knocking the broken firelight down with it. The final pieces of Powder falling away for good.