Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There was an Eddie Diaz shaped hole in the 118 which was proving harder to fill than anyone had first thought.
And so, although Buck knew the position as his partner couldn’t stay vacant forever, to say he was surprised when he almost ran headfirst into Tommy Kinnard’s broad chest coming out of the captain’s office, was definitely an understatement.
After their last interaction, Buck had expected Tommy to give him and the 118 as wide a birth as possible. And he wouldn’t have blamed him either. It wasn’t Buck’s finest moment, hooking up with his ex before telling him it didn’t mean he had feelings for him, especially whilst Tommy was in the middle of trying to cook them a fancy reconciliation breakfast.
They both stopped dead in their tracks, and Buck wasn’t sure if Tommy was going to say anything to him or not. He felt his face becoming more flushed and the silence more awkward by the second. But finally, Tommy put Buck out of his misery with a nod and a curt “Evan. You good?” This was followed by yet another pregnant pause before he said, a little more softly this time as if testing the water. “Heard from Eddie recently?”
“Yeah, good thanks. And no, nothing yet.” Buck responded with some trepidation, surprised that Tommy had brought Eddie’s name up so quickly. “I think he probably just needs some time to get used to the change.”
But the forced nonchalance of his response belied Buck’s concern, and if he was honest, growing resentment, about the lack of communication he’d had from his best friend since he left LA.
But Buck had been trying to do what he thought Eddie needed and give him time and space. Although he couldn’t help feeling just a little ego bruised that he’d heard nothing since receiving text a few hours after he left saying he’d stopped for gas and that the cookies Buck baked for the journey were delicious.
Ever since then, Buck had been pulling his phone out of his pocket every few minutes to check his notifications. He’d flick it open and re-read their last text conversation incessantly to see if he could spot any clues at all as to why his best friend of 7 years would just cut him off like that. It had become an automatic response now whenever he had nothing else to do, or sometimes even when he was in the middle of a task, which was driving Hen and Chimney up the wall.
But no matter how many times he’d read the same few sentences; he was never any the wiser; never struck by some thunderbolt of sudden enlightenment. His thumb had hovered over the screen so often, considering how to make that first move. But he never seemed to know what to say. And the more time passed, the more difficult it was becoming, and the less he wanted to rip the band aid off and find out what was underneath.
Because if he was being completely honest with himself, he was scared that it would only confirm what he already suspected. That Eddie didn’t need him anymore. And that was almost too much for him to bare. So, he’d worked hard on convincing himself that no news was good news and tried to take his mind off it by channelling his excessive energy into other things, like instructing Ravi on the importance of proper hose maintenance. But perhaps, he though he might have thrown himself into it a little harder than he intended to, because he’d noticed that there wasn’t a clipboard to be had for love nor money in the whole station.
As if seeing Tommy wasn’t bad enough, next it was Lucy Donato, of all people, who came breezing into the firehouse to throw her hat into the ring. ‘Really?’ thought Buck, the universe is mocking me! Did it really have to be a parade of the ghosts of conquests past? Cos that would be a hell of a lot of candidates for just one position!’
Bobby had made the announcement at morning briefing to a smattering of half-hearted applause, “I’m delighted to welcome firefighter Kinnard back to the 118.” This came as no surprise to Buck however, as Bobby had at least had the foresight to check in with him before making the appointment public.
“I appreciate there’s a history between you two, which is why I wanted to make sure you were ok with this before I gave him the green light”. And although he appreciated Bobby asking for his opinion, Buck didn’t want anyone to feel that this decision was about him. Plus, part of him thought that this might be Bobby’s not so subtle way of telling him he needed to get his head out of his own backside and start to move on from Eddie.
So, he just nodded and smiled, promised he would play nice and left his captains office, checking his phone again on the way out. Because despite what he said his head was still very much stuck at that gas station in the middle of nowhere.
Still nothing.
Tommy appeared to be part of the furniture at the 118 again in no time. He soon had Ravi enthralled with stories of his helicopter antics. Buck couldn’t recall how many times he overheard Ravi asked to be told the story of the cruise ship rescue, or to hear about the famous mouth static.
And Hen and Chimney quickly went back to being as thick as thieves again, spending all their time virtually in each other’s pockets, chatting and laughing at their own private jokes.
But to Buck it felt like he was watching history repeating itself. Just like when Abby left it felt like everything was perpetually spinning around him and all he could do was watch from a distance. Like he was stuck on the ‘life-goes-on’ merry-go-round with no prospect of getting off or even an inkling of how to at least slow it down.
When he was in the engine on the way to a call and felt the familiar bump of a thigh against his, he’d look up expectantly, only to be disappointed to see Tommy’s face looking quizzically back at him. So, he’d just subtly move his leg closer to the door and go back to staring out of the window until he could hear the rest of the crew, joking and laughing or getting the low down on the job they are going to. This made him ears stop burning and the flush in his cheeks die down just a little. But he could still feel Tommy’s questioning eyes boring into him sometimes, although he stubbornly refused to return his gaze.

His sister was the only person Buck felt would vaguely understand or at least be able to interpret what he was feeling, because he couldn’t make any sense of it.
They were sitting in what used to be Eddie’s courtyard garden, now Buck’s new home, drenched in late September sunshine. A tray with a fresh pot of coffee and a plate piled high with Buck’s homemade biscuits balanced on the table between them.
“I’m sure Eddie’s fine Buck.” Maddie told him for what felt like the hundredth time. “He just needs some time that’s all. It’s a big deal to leave everything behind and start again.” She said staring into the middle distance knowingly before refocusing on Buck with a small shiver, like she was shaking off a blanket of sadness weighing down on her shoulders.
Watching Maddie’s body language made Buck feel a rush of instant rage thinking about everything his sister went through when she finally made the decision to escape from Doug, leaving everything behind except what she could carry. But this was followed swiftly by wave of guilt that maybe she was right and that he was being self-centred again.
“I suppose so”. He agreed vaguely. But all the same, he was not convinced that the circumstances were entirely comparable. “But you left somewhere where you had virtually no life apart from someone who was controlling and abusing you. Eddie had a good life here. He has friends who love and care about him. He even has a job to come back to. Cap told me he’d welcome him back any time. I know why he left, but it’s not like there was anything here he needed to escape from”. He said this more to himself than to her, as if he’s trying to convince himself that his behaviour in those last few weeks wasn’t the final straw that proved to Eddie he was right to leave. Sabotaging his house viewings and forcing him to admit he was going to the team before he was ready.
“It just feels like everyone’s far too keen to move on and I’m still stuck here with nothing but questions and ghosts.” He opened his arms, gesturing at the house at large before his shoulders slumped as he leaned forward in his chair, eyes unfocused on the patio slabs in front of him, picking at a chip on the rim of his coffee mug absently with his thumb.
Maddie leaned in close, getting right in his personal space, forcing him look up and into her face. “Everyone knows how much Eddie means to you.” Buck caught a momentary flicker in her eye before she continued. “But you don’t have nothing Evan. You have me and Jee and Chim and the 118. So, I suggest you try to make the most of what you do have and not dwell on what you don’t. Jee certainly appreciates her time with Uncle Buck and I’m sure Chimney would be more than happy to hang out with you more outside work if you asked him.”
“Thank you. I know, you’re right.” he replied, leaning in and giving her a hug. “I just miss him, that’s all”. He sighed into the empty air over her shoulder.

Chapter Text

Sgt Athena Grant had been scanning the misper alerts for a case she was working on when she found herself staring straight into the familiar big brown eyes of Eddie Diaz, looking unblinkingly at her from the screen. Admittedly it was an old photo, probably from his army days, but it was unmistakably him.
She froze instantly, Styrofoam cup stuck halfway to her mouth, where it had stayed for a good 20 seconds before her brain told her arm to lower the now not so hot coffee carefully back onto the table. She’d had to read it 2 or 3 more times just to be sure she wasn’t imagining things.
Unfortunately, she wasn’t. If Athena was anything it was tenacious, and once the bit was firmly between her teeth there was no removing it. All those clichés about cops being like bloodhounds and dogs with bones very much applied to Sgt Grant. So, when she knocked on her door to seek permission to investigate Eddie’s disappearance, Captain Maynard was not at all surprised. But experience had taught her to have a response prepared for such an eventuality.
Resources in the LAPD were, as always, spread as thin as rice paper and she couldn’t justify allocating them to something that far out of area, even if it did concern someone or something as close to Athena’s heart as the 118.
After some considerable pushback, Athena had begrudgingly sworn she would simply watch the case from afar for updates and not get personally involved.
But later that day she’d still made a surreptitious call to a contact in a neighbouring force, where a sergeant she’d once worked with promised to put the feelers out and keep her updated on any developments.

As expected, Buck hadn’t taken the news well at all. After Athena had delivered the devastating verbal blow, he’d sunk into the sofa of the 118 loft like a lead weight and stared in wide-eyed disbelief at the floor, only partially taking in anything else she said after that.
The next few days were a blur for Buck as he struggled to come to terms with the revelation that the radio silence he’d been experiencing had been because Eddie hadn’t been able to contact him, and not because of anything Buck had done to upset him. And this left him with a plethora of emotions. Mainly anxiety and concern for Eddie of course. But also anger and shame towards himself for doubting their friendship and letting his insecurities get the better of him yet again. It also sent Ravi scampering in the opposite direction whenever he saw Buck hove into view.
And although Buck knew deep down that the worst-case scenario was the most likely, he couldn’t quite bring himself to accept it. So, instead of pulling out his phone to check his messages, he took to incessantly scrolling through local news articles and weather apps or going down online rabbit holes with threads about weird occurrences from across the region.
But what made Buck’s stomach dropped even further was whenever he thought about how all this must be affecting Chris. To think of him potentially losing his other parent at his young age was almost too much for Buck to bare. And yet for some reason, he just couldn’t bring himself to initiate that call either.

But, unbeknownst to Buck, in El Paso Chris had been taking matters into his own hands.
Athena had, to put it mildly, been surprised when Bobby handed her his phone with a shrug as they were settling in to watch an episode of The Golden Girls, which was their secret guilty pleasure whenever they had a rare night off together.
“Chris? Hi, what can I do for you young man? I’m so sorry about your dad. I hope you and your grandparents are holding up OK?”
But almost as soon as they’d dispensed with the pleasantries, and after silently indicating to her husband her need for a pen and paper through the universal signal of flapping her hand urgently at him and making vague scribbling motions, she’d spent the next 30 minutes or so listening very carefully to everything Chris had to say. She made copious notes, interspersed with the occasional clarifying question, or simply an “Uh hu” or “I see”.
By the end of the call Athena had established that although his grandparents were thinking the worst, Chris was utterly convinced that Eddie was still alive out there somewhere and that she was the only one who could help find him.
“You mustn’t give that kid false hope Athena.” Bobby said gently but firmly as they were getting ready for bed. “It’s not fair”.
“No, of course not” She’d promised him faithfully. But her brain was going a million miles an hour, mulling over all the possibilities and theoretical seeds that the phone call with Chris had planted. She hoped Bobby hadn’t just seen straight through her platitude. But then, who was she kidding? She knew her husband could read her mind. But she also knew that he knew better than to try and stand in her way on something as important as this. It was one of the infinite reasons why she loved him so much.

A few days after Athena had broken the news, during a quiet period on shift, Tommy, Buck and Chimney were gathered on the sofas in the firehouse loft. Buck was perched precariously close to the edge of the couch, frowning and scrolling furiously on his phone as Tommy sprawled across the opposite sofa, booted feet resting on the arm.
Buck tore himself away from the screen long enough to say “You know it happens all the time. People turn up thousands of miles away with no memory of who they are or where they come from. There was a case in De Moine in 1988 where this woman was sucked up by a tornado and ended up in Omaha with no idea who she was or how she’d got there. And what about the guy in Nebraska who went missing for years and said he was taken to….”
“Evan. You don’t seriously think Eddie was abducted by aliens do you? Tommy interrupted, cutting across Buck’s flow and causing him to stutter before he replied in a sheepish tone directed dejectedly at his phone “Well, no, I…I don’t know…”.
“I’d say you are clutching at some serious straws there buddy.” Added Chimney in a kinder tone, giving him a consolatory pat on the back as he passed behind Buck his way to make some fresh coffee. But when he saw the look on Buck’s face, the slight wobble of his bottom lip, he added even more gently “look Buck, none of us want to even entertain the thought that Eddie is…that he might be… gone” choosing his words very carefully “but maybe you should give the internet deep dives a rest for a few days, if only for your own sanity.” Before Tommy added under his breath “And ours too”. Which only made Buck’s shoulders slump even more before raising his voice, on the verge of tears “You’ve all given up on already, haven’t you? It’s like the well all over again, isn’t it?” before throwing his hands up in despair and disappearing downstairs to take his feelings out on the long-suffering Ravi.
Later in the shift Tommy approached Buck, where he was aggressively wiping down the same spot of chrome on the truck’s back bumper like his life depended on it. “Listen, I’m sorry about earlier Evan. No-one is saying all hope is lost, but Chimney’s right. Maybe it’s time you stop beating yourself up and gave yourself a break. Take a breath, maybe find something else to focus on for a bit? It’s not healthy to get fixated on anything like this.” He continued, softly now, placing a reassuring hand on Buck’s, which was still rubbing frantically at the dumper, before taking a small step further into Buck’s space adding “We are all here for you Evan, you know that right?”
This made the polishing finally come to a stop. But he just continued to look down at Tommy’s hand with big tearful eyes before pulling his own away and walking off towards the locker room without saying another word.
The fallout from the news about Eddie had not gone unnoticed by Bobby either. He started pulling Buck aside to check on him almost on an hourly basis at first and even offered to sign him off for a while if he wanted to get his head sorted. But the last thing Buck wanted was time alone with his spiralling thoughts. He needed to stay busy. And the 118 had always been his safe place, so he reassured Bobby he was fine and tried to throw himself into his work and carry on in the only way he knew how. But he still couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone around him appeared to have given up on Eddie without a fight.
From what Athena had gleaned so far, Eddie’s truck appeared to have simply vanished from the highway somewhere west of Phoenix. There had been reports of storms in that area on that day, and flash flooding could be a problem sometimes when the water running off the mountains hit the dry desert flats.
They’d tracked his phone to a gas station on highway 10 just outside of Blythe. But then the signal got lost as the masts got more sparce, until it simply disappeared and never came back online. And although this narrowed the search considerably, it still left an area around the size of Chicago to cover.
But what was really niggling at her was something her APD colleague had said in passing. In Athena’s experience relatives desperate for information would call at least daily, sometimes more, in the hope of just a crumb of news on their loved one or the investigation. And according to her contact in the department that had been the case, until a few days ago when the Diaz family seemed to have suddenly stopped asking for news. And this happened to coincide with her call from Chris, which was intriguing her too. Some of the things he’d said had got her Spidey senses tingling, particularly about some sudden changes in his grandparent’s attitude to try and convince him the Eddie was gone. But Chris was so utterly convinced that Eddie wasn’t dead but wouldn’t or couldn’t say why. Again, it wasn’t unusual for relatives to behave in this way. Hope was the last thing they had to cling onto. But all the same she got the feeling that the two things were somehow connected, she just couldn’t figure out how.
It was the kind of mystery that really got her juices flowing. She knew she was becoming obsessed and would be a nightmare to live with until it was resolved. Distracted; staying up late working on it in her spare time; surviving on caffeine and take out. But Bobby was used to it. Plus, he had Buck and the 118 to focus on at the moment, and they needed answers just as much as Chris did.

As he sank to the floor, the shock of the hard tiles slamming against his knees took Buck’s breath away for a second.
The pain was short lived however, as his focus shifted, and he started to fumble with the button on a pair of jeans that was now at eye level. Jeans that belonged to Jamie, or was it Jordan? Either way, they were proving tricky to undo in the restrictive space of the stall, that combined with his slightly less than sober state.
He knew very well that Chimney inviting him for a night out was a well-intentioned attempt to take his mind off things, and he should be grateful that his nearest and dearest were checking in on him. So, although he had begrudgingly accepted his brothers-in-law’s offer, he couldn’t help but notice that his mental state was being micromanaged, again, and was sure that it was probably his sister who was masterminding it. And, he thought with a wry smile, this was definitely not what Tommy had meant when he said Buck should start focusing on other things.
But what exactly did they all expect? He’d lost his best friend. He wasn’t going to be a ray of fucking sunshine, was he?
Jonathan or James or whatever, shifted his weight slightly, leaning back and bracing his arms against the walls to give Buck a better angle. As his lips met with the warm salty musk of the other man’s cock, Buck closed his eyes, emptied his mind and let his mouth instinctively respond to the moans and groans of pleasure coming from somewhere above his head.
When he finally emerged from the bathroom Chimney was waiting for him, hovering near the exit looking bored and frustrated. Although Buck was sure Chimney was well aware of the answer to his next question, he went through the rigmarole of asking what took him so long anyway just as Jim/Jake passed behind him heading back towards the bar, offering Buck a half smile and complimentary nod on the way.
The grainy black and white CCTV footage showed the last known stilted, jumpy images of Eddie at the gas station. Anthena could tell it was him standing in line behind a short white woman in her twenties who looked like she’d paid for her gas and cigarettes entirely in quarters.
Eddie could be seen exchanging a few pleasantries before handing over the cash and making his way back to the truck, where he’d stayed for a few minutes, presumably sending the text to Buck before swinging out onto the highway again, the U-Haul bobbing along behind him. It was nothing revolutionary but gave them a bit more in terms of a timeline.
And what with that footage and the weather data, they were finally able to track down where the car had left the road. The scuff marks in the tarmac and debris found there narrowed the search parameters further still.
The call was a pretty standard one as LAFD callouts go. A nasty aftershock had caused subsidence in a 6-story building downtown which needed to be evacuated for the safety of the residents. Tommy, Ravi and Buck were responsible for sweeping the building whilst Hen and Chimney set up a triage station in case anyone had suffered any minor injuries.
They have made it all the way up to the flat roof at the top of the building, with little cause for concern, where they were checking for people who might have gone up rather than down in their panicked state, when suddenly Buck caught something moving away to his left out of the corner of his eye. “Hey, LAFD. Stop” he yelled before diving instinctively after what he thought was the back of someone’s shirt just disappearing around the side of the water tower. Buck had to shake off two set of hands grasping at his turn outs, the shouts of caution muffled in his ears as he stumbled precariously close to the edge of the parapet.
He was so focused on locating whoever it was he was chasing that he’d already lost his footing before he even realised, he was in any danger at all. The flag stones at the edge of the building were old; cement shaken loose by numerous quakes over the years, sending Buck teetering on the precipice before toppling, along with a large slab of masonry towards the street, and the rest of the 118 stationed below.
“Firefighter Buckley. Do you copy?” Bobby yelled frantically into his radio, receiving only static in reply. “Buck, Tommy, Ravi? What the hell’s going on up there?” Still nothing.
The next sensation Buck felt after the stomach drop of falling, was a shooting pain in his left shoulder, where it was almost ripped out of its socket by a pair of strong arms grabbing him at the very last second. He made the mistake of looking down between his swinging feet to see his co-workers and residents scatter like ants as chunks of the building are raining down on them and the fire trucks below.
Suddenly realising his potential fate, Buck started to kick his feet against the building to get purchase on the stones. He grabbed at the outstretched arms with his other hand and allows them to pull him up. And when his head emerged over the parapet again all he could see was Tommy looming over him, every muscle in his body tensed and straining, yelling in Buck’s face. Buck noticed guiltily that he looked really scared.
When he was finally back at ground level and given the all-clear by Hen, it was time for the inevitable dressing down from his Captain. “You disregarded any thought of safety...” Bobby yells as Buck rubs his still tender left shoulder. He can see Bobby’s lips moving, but he’s heard this speech so many times he knows it by heart. “…For you and everyone else…” What comes next? oh yeah, the bit about being stupid and reckless. “You could have been killed…It was stupid and reckless…”
Even though he knew he’d missed up, yet again, and put his crew and the public in harm’s way, and that Bobby was right to send him home for the rest of the shift, Buck was still pissed about it. But what was worrying him more was a singular thought that had flashed across Buck’s mind as he was dangling there helpless; that maybe he didn’t want to be saved this time.

The chains snapped taught, ropes creaking and straining as the winch began taking up the slack. The process of extricating Eddie’s truck was painstakingly slow, but inch by inch the fender emerged from the sludgy depths, leaves and muck sliding off its metallic flanks as it broke through the surface, like a whale coming up for air.
Conversely Athena’s stomach sank further with every turn of the crank, concerned about what they were going to find when the car was finally declared safe enough to be searched.

The kitchen was dark and quiet, and seemed to be filled with oppressive shadows encroaching on him from all four corners as the evening progressed. Buck turned the glass in his unsteady hand slowly whipping up the contents into a whirlpool of amber liquid that sloshed against the sides and threatened to spill over the rim. When he finally set it down on the table with a sharp clink, he watches as a single drop of condensation seemed to pause just before it reached his thumb; forced to split itself in two in order to continue its downward journey. His fingers encircled the glass so tightly that they were completely white wherever they meet the cold, unyielding surfaced. He was surprised that it hasn’t shattered into a thousand tiny pieces beneath the pressure he was exerting. Buck gave this thought an ironic half smile.
When he looked back up with heavy lidded eyes, soft deep brown ones were staring back at him from across the table, a single strand of dark hair falling across one of them.
“I’m sorry.” Was all Buck was able to muster. His voice thin and cracked like the glass crushed in his fist.
A hand reached out, covering Buck’s empty one which he’d subconsciously stretched across the void of table between them.
“Now’s not the time for sorry” Came the gentle response.
“But you have to know I just wanted to do what I thought was right for you? I had to let you go and be where you needed to be.” He wasn’t sure if it was him or the whisky talking now. His focus was becoming a little hazy. “And I never meant to make it about me”.
“But it’s never been about you, has it Buck?”
“No.” he breathed, in a small, childlike voice. And he could feel the surge of emotion bubbling somewhere deep in his chest, moving up through his throat, making his words hitch and echo in the silence of the dark kitchen. The only light coming from above the stove behind Eddie, making his features dim and hard to read.
“That’s why everyone always leaves” he spat. “Even you”. There’s bitterness behind the words now as they start fighting to push past his lips.
“That’s not what I meant”. Eddie said quietly.
But Buck was no longer listening, the emotional damn well and truly breached. “And now all I want is to be where you are.” He was pleading now, “Eddie please, tell me where you are, and I’ll be with you as soon as I can.” He’d removed his hand from the glass and was fiddling desperately with the cap on the smaller of the two bottles in front of him.
But his other hand hadn’t moved an inch, it was still safely sheltered under Eddie’s palm. “Evan.” That one word, when spoken by Eddie, cut through the verbal flood with sufficient authority to stop Buck in his tracks and snap his head up from where it had been trained on the tabletop. “You know I can’t tell you that. You have to figure that out for yourself. But you need to understand that I didn’t choose to leave you.”
The sharp urgent tone of his phone buzzing against the hard surface of the coffee table in the next room reminded Buck that a whole world still existed beyond those eyes, and it caught him so much by surprise that he swore loudly and jumped almost a full inch out of his chair. But by the time he’d sat back down again the one opposite him was empty

Chapter Text

“So, you can keep me,
inside the pocket of your ripped jeans.
Holding me closer ‘til our eyes meet,
wait for me to come home”.

Eddie was half humming along to whatever it was that happened to be on the radio, elbow resting on the window frame, adding his own spin to the misheard lyrics. To be honest he wasn’t sure how he knew any of them in the first place. Maybe it was on one of Chris’s playlists?
Chris! He wasn’t sure how he felt about seeing his son face to face for the first time in months in only a few hours. It was a mix of excitement and intense anxiety, like the feeling moments before jumping from a plane when you have no idea what to expect but just have to trust that your shoot will open and guide you safely to the ground.
He had no idea what he was going to say to him. How to explain that what had happened with Kim wasn’t Chris’s fault. It was just that Eddie missed Shannon terribly and that there was so much unfinished business between them which would probably never be resolved. And it was not just about Chris, there were other things he’d realised needed to be brought into the light and Kim had presented him with an opportunity to literally face the ghosts of his past.
And at that moment he happened to glance down and see Buck’s energy cookies on the passenger seat as if they’d called shotgun for the journey. Eddie took comfort in them, like his best friend was beside him in the truck as the 700-mile journey passed steadily beneath its tyres.
The vastness of the country was awe inspiring, but it made Eddie feel very small and insignificant. Having grown up in suburban Texas he was used to epic landscapes, but somehow this felt different; vaster, lonelier somehow. He seemed to be the only vehicle for miles on this stretch of highway.
Upon entering southwest Arizona, highway 10 snakes its way through grey dust and golden desert sands crisscrossed by the empty washes of long dried creek beds and continues east via rugged mountain ranges before plunging into the outskirts of Phoenix.
Despite the growing humidity Eddie had decided to forego the A/C for a spell and dropped the driver’s window. He’d started to feel a little sleepy for the last few miles, so the rush of air hitting his face was refreshing him for the many more he knew were still ahead.
He’d first noticed the rain miles away to the northeast. It looked like a vast blue sheet of ever-changing hues and colours. Rich greens and deep ocean blues mixed with burnt oranges and reds from the sun glinting through it as the clouds rolled around, obscuring the tops of mountains that lead off towards the Grand Canyon about 200 miles to the north.
The average rainfall in the area was exceedingly low, so at first, Eddie paid it very little heed as it appeared to be heading up country to dowse some unlucky tourists who’d picked the wrong day to visit one of America’s national treasures.
But as he continued on, it became apparent that the storm had had a change of heart and was now very much heading in his direction. The wind coming through the open window was starting to pick up speed, the temperature dropping with every mile the road drew him closer to the storm front. He could smell the scent of water hitting parched earth.
And that’s when things started to change. He knew that he had a choice to make now. Either keep going and hope it passed him by or turn and head back. But even as that realisation dawned it was already looking like either choice might be futile. Eddie had beaten wellsand bullets, but it looked like he wasn’t going to outrun mother nature this time.
Even though he had braced for the impact, it was so much worse than he had expected, the force and power of the rushing water engulfed the road knocking the truck sideways, causing him to hit his head hard against the window, which left his ears ringing and made him black out for a brief moment.
After that everything seemed to happen instantaneously and yet in slow motion at the same time. The air was full of sound. The roar of the water; the ringing clash of breaking glass and the screaming of metal on tarmac as the car was flipped into its side, propelled inexorably towards the ditch at the side of the road, the radio still spewing out pop tunes, a jaunty Juxtaposition to soundtrack the horror that was unfolding in the vehicle.
As the windows shattered the car started to fill with ice cold water full of mud and debris. As it reached the edge of the road it flipped entirely onto its roof before spinning a few times, bouncing off trees, rocks and anything else in its path, making Eddie feel like he was in a tumble dryer which was never going to stop.
But eventually he realised he had come to a halt. Thankfully he was upright but still at a precarious angle, the car wedged against the branch of a tree in the water’s path which was only just clinging on by a few sinews of bark.
A very quick scan of his body told him that he had a significant gash on his forehead and probably a concussion as well as some broken ribs. But as he worked his way down, he realised that his right leg was completely crushed between the steering wheel and the central console.
His next thought was, ‘I’ve got to get out of this car before its consumed completely or washed away again’.
His fight of flight mode was now fully engaged, and he started pulling desperately on his leg trying to free it. But soon the realisation that there was nothing he could do made him stop and take stock of the situation. Surely it would be much easier to just give in and allow nature to win, if he just went to sleep right here it would be over soon, all the pain he was feeling would just go away. Why did he have to keep fighting against everything all the time anyway? No-one needed him, the 118 would find a replacement and move on. Chris was settled with his folks and probably much happier. Just go to sleep Eddie, everything will be fine….
But then medic Eddie remembered that drowsiness was a sign of concussion and possible hypothermia kicking in. Also, it definitely wasn’t the first time he’d had to dig deep in order to survive. It wasn’t even the second, or third for that matter. He hadn’t given up then and he sure as hell wasn’t going to give up now. If it was a choice between fight or fail, he was always going to choose to fight. What was it Bobby said? “We always have a choice, even if it’s only over how we react”.
But the water level was up to his chest now and the car was still being pushed and buffeted by the torrent. Eddie was afraid that another surge might be on its way.
So, he took a deep breath and plunged his head under the freezing water to get closer to his leg. And he pulled and pushed and manipulated the twisted metal and plastic keeping him pinned, working his leg slowly free. He had to come up for air once or twice and noticed that by the second breath the water was at neck height, so he was fast running out of time. But again, he filled his lungs to capacity, dove down and worked to set himself free. And eventually, he discovered he was able to move his leg. But this time there was no oxygen pocket for him to return to.
Eddie slid himself out of the glassless window and once free of the car kicked as hard as he could against the flow of water towards the nearest visible landmark, but it felt like he was swimming though treacle. The pain in his leg and chest becoming unbearable and keeping his head above water almost impossible. He felt his consciousness start to fade, blackness creeping in at the sides of his vision like a TV that had just been switched off, until all he could make out was a central pinprick of light. Then, nothing.

Chapter Text

The rain snaked down the wall of windows in the twenty first floor meeting room, distorting the buildings outside so that they reformed to resembled wild windswept cliffs swallowed by distant clouds, gulls circling in and out of the middle distance, before resolving themselves back into a streaky ever-changing version of the dull grey Manhattan skyline.
A dull thud jerked Eddie sharply out of his malaise. He took a beat to orient himself and he was worried that he might have drifted off.
As he turned towards the noise, he could hear the screech of bone on glass, like the scrape of nails down a blackboard, and was greeted by the sight of a what looked like a gull sliding down the pristine windowpane just behind his chair, leaving a trail of blood and feathers in its wake before disappearing beyond the lip of the sill and into the empty air. Either stunned or dead Eddie couldn’t tell, but it plummeted like a stone to the street below all the same.
Although Eddie knew bird strikes happened frequently in high-rises, this was the first time he’d actually experienced one. The leap in his pulse rate suddenly made him hyper aware of his heart thumping against his ribcage. It was both shocking yet strangely exhilarating at the same time.

As the meeting progressed Eddie went back to being so bored that he started to make bets with himself as to which water droplets would randomly find each other, combine to make mega-drops, and wind their meandering way to the sill first, where they were swiftly absorbed into the fast-growing rivulet accumulating like an infinity pool teetering on the edge of oblivion.
He picked absent-mindedly at a scab on his knuckle, trying desperately to focus on the mid quarter financial review. But the sight of the gathering storm outside and the sound of the rain plinking against the glass was proving too hard for him to ignore.
Kim was convinced that he could make partner in the next 3 years. And whilst Eddie appreciated her faith in him, and part of him wanted the safety and stability that came with a good job, regular hours, health insurance and a decent pension, somehow, he could never get that excited about a future full of spreadsheets and financial projections.

At 5.05pm Eddie slotted himself effortlessly into the rush hour exodus of anonymous commuters, weaving temporarily in and out of each other’s lives on their solitary well-choreographed dance home. This was the routine same every day. And today was no different, except that after a few blocks he peeled off into a side street and made his way down some unremarkable looking basement steps, lined with food wrappers, leaves and other city detritus he didn’t want to think about for too long.
The graffiti-stained door at the bottom ground heavily open onto a cool, damp, windowless corridor lit only by buzzing overhead bulbs shedding circles of light that disappeared into darkness in the far distance. ‘This is how horror movies usually start’, Eddie thought to himself, his brief chuckle echoing off the walls as he made his way into the quite darkness. ‘Well, I’m perfectly safe’ he thought; ‘my life is far too dull to be turned into a movie’.
But despite his confidence that mundanity would be his saving grace, his heart rate still increased exponentially the closer he got to the double doors at the far end. Not because he was afraid of what was behind them, but in anticipation of the adrenaline-soaked adventure which he knew awaited him on the other side.

When he stepped into the ring, made from frayed ropes and faded multi-coloured milk crates, illuminated by a single overhead lamp, as if any extra dramatic effect was required, he immediately started to suss out his adversary, scanning for weaknesses and feeling the unmistakable surge of visceral, primal rage rising in his gullet.
Eddie knows he can channel this feeling to his advantage, but sometimes he worries it might take over and he’ll lose himself completely to these urges. But this is part of the thrill that he gets from shutting off his frontal cortex and relying entirely on the primitive part of his brain which is purely focused on survival in the here and now.
And right here, right now, Eddie’s fight response was working overtime.
The first blow connected with the lefthand side of his rib cage. He felt the flesh and muscle give under the force and knew instinctively that he had about the nanosecond it took the signals from his pain receptors to reach his brain before the scrape and crack of knuckle against rib would knock all the air from his lungs like a set of deflating bagpipes.
But the trust he had in his own body and the adrenaline coursing through his veins made the pain duller, reflexes sharper. This meant he had time to throw himself backwards and to his right, roll away and get back to his feet whilst avoiding the follow up punch before it could land.
His opponents’ pale skin, flushed with crimson patches from the exertion, was slippery with sweat as Eddie tried to get a grip on his waistband and hook his legs out from under him, using all his body weight to pull him to the ground so that he could wrap his limbs around and get a decent hold.
The intensity of the physical contact sent further spikes of adrenaline coursing through him as they wrestled across the stone-cold floor. Bits of dust and chips of concrete and glass adhered to the sweat on the exposed parts of his skin, biting into his flesh. His head came into contact with an elbow, making him gasp as his neck is whipped back sharply. At the same time, he felt a searing pain in his right leg which was pinned under his opponent’s body. But there was no chance of him quitting, they were locked together in a battle for dominance over submission.
The roar of the assembled onlookers and fellow fighters, hidden from view by the narrow scope of the light, reached a crescendo. And that along with the guttural sounds emanating from both parties due to the mammoth battle in progress was what Eddie really lived for.

Eddie and Kim lived in a small apartment downtown. Kim had fallen in love with the high ceilings and ‘post-industrial’ strip lighting. Eddie thought it resembled a doctor’s waiting room, but it was New York, and apartments at a reasonable price and without four or six-legged squatters were hard to come by.
They had moved in a little while ago. Eddie wasn’t quite sure exactly when it had been, he had lost track, what with job hunting, then hunting for a new social circle in a city where everyone seemed to be so busy, although he could never quite work out what they were all so busy doing?

As always Kim looked enchanting as Eddie zipped her into a long dark green figure-hugging maxi dress, holding her tresses of brown hair out of the way of her long slender neck, curls escaping from her fingers, unbrushed bangs messy against her forehead. Eddie pulled her towards him, kissed the back of her neck and told her in the mirror how beautiful she looked. She squirmed away, blushing and protesting that she wasn’t ready yet and needed to do her hair ‘properly’ before their guests arrived for dinner. But Eddie secretly preferred it like that, he thought that her natural beauty was much sexier than the polished version everyone else got to see.
Kim loved to host her ‘soirees’ as she called them. Their guests were mainly made up of friends of hers with a smattering of finance people he knew in passing, although he had some trouble remembering all their names or stuff about them to make small talk with. But he mostly put that down to the wine that Kim would keep topping up for his throughout the evening.
“Owen, how lovely to see you. It’s been too long” Kim cooed as she leant in, planting a superficial air kiss on each side of the handsomely chiselled face of the dark eyed 50-something standing in the doorway in a designer suit, brandishing a bottle of extortionately expensive wine.
The chat that evening was pleasant enough, with a focus on some of the latest trends in fashion or some Insta craze, with the standard ‘kids hey?’ and a smattering of the price-of-everything-being-extortionate-these-days thrown in for good measure.
At one point there was the inevitable question about when they were going to get married and have children, which Eddie was prepared for and sidestepped expertly by joking that he still behaved like a kid himself so wasn’t anywhere near ready for that level of responsibility thank you very much. This brought a murmur of laughter from the assembly who quickly moved on to discussing the perpetual singleness of another member of the group.
Owen Strand stood out to Eddie as by far the most interesting guest that they’d entertained. Eddie was enthralled by his buttery tone, easy confidence and ability to hold the room in his sway whilst making even the dullest of subject matter sound like an epic tale of mystery and intrigue.

Later in the evening, once dinner was done and the guests were naturally breaking off into smaller more intimate groups, Eddie found Owen lounging in an armchair, happily self-contained and observing the buzz of general conversation from a safe distance.
Eddie tipped the bottle in his hand towards him indicating his offer to top up Owen’s empty glass, which was gratefully accepted. After righting the bottle with an uncharacteristically flamboyant twist, Eddie paused for a beat, as if he was about to say something, but quickly became flustered, changed his mind and made to move on. But as if Owen sensed what he needed, he invited Eddie to join him by simply pushing the chair opposite him out slightly with an expensively shod foot.
They sat there in silence for a few seconds, Owen’s head is turned away from Eddie, his eyes clearly on Kim who had just thrown her head back in an attractive peel of laughter that reached them from across the room. “She’s a beauty hu?” He said, still not looking in Eddie’s direction.
Although Eddie completely agreed with Owen’s statement, he thought he should feel jealous that another man, especially one as suave and self-assured as Owen Strand was commenting so blatantly on the attractiveness of his girlfriend. But instead, he found himself doing nothing but nod in agreement, even though Owen still wasn’t looking in his direction.
“Although she looked better when she was blond.” Owen continued softly, as if to himself, still not returning Eddie’s gaze, now fixed on the sharp jaw and strong side profile of his new acquaintance.
“You’ve known each other for a while then?” Eddie asked in what he hoped was a nonchalant tone. “You could say that.” Came the frustratingly cryptic reply as Owen finally turned his attention on his other host.
And that, Eddie thought, seemed to be all he was going to get. So, after that they exchanged some meaningless small talk for a couple of minutes about finance and the state of the economy in general, before Owen leaned in a little closer and whispered conspiratorially in a low seductive rumble “You know, you are wasted here Eddie. Texas is where you need to be now you know.”

After the last of the Ubers had departed Kim grabbed his hand, smiling and biting her bottom lip invitingly over her shoulder before guiding them both towards the bedroom. Eddie had a sneaking suspicion he was being bewitched but he wasn’t complaining, his shoulder bouncing off the door jamb as he wobbled after her powerless to resist in his warm wine-soaked haze.
With a grunt and a shudder Eddie’s elbows gave way, his body weight collapsing onto Kim’s waiting breasts. “You were amazing tonight” she whispered softly into his hair as he breathed in the sweet scent that always lingered in crook of her neck. He stayed there for a few moments before rolling away into his back and staring up at the ceiling, pulling the blankets up under his armpits to cover his rapidly cooling chest. The harshness of the florescent lights shining in his post-orgasmic pupils forced him to raise his forearm to shield them from temporary blindness. ‘I must get those damn bulbs changed’ he tells himself for what he thinks must be the hundredth time, but for some reason he never quite gets around to doing it.

The next morning, Eddie spent much longer than usual staring in the bathroom mirror. He kept replaying his interaction with Owen the night before in his head. But aside from what he’d said about Kim, it was Eddie’s reaction to it that was really bugging him.
There was no question that Owen was right, Kim was beautiful and graceful and kind, and she was always smiling, and she smelled amazing. But Eddie couldn’t recall them ever having an argument or even a cross word about anything. She’d never snapped at him for no apparent reason or blown up at him over something trivial. She’d never really asked him anything of consequence, or for that matter shown even the slightest inkling of curiosity about him, his dreams, fears, worries, ambitions. Their relationship was perfectly pleasant, but it just seemed to be bumbling along, blissful yet somehow unfulfilling.
It wasn’t that he craved turbulence or drama, but Eddie was beginning to have a creeping suspicion, encroaching on the periphery of his mind, like twilight shadows making their inexorable march across the floor, that something just didn’t feel quite right.
But this was where Eddie started second guessing himself. Because why would he want to upset the apple cart? They had a very stable, comfortable, easy life together. After all, he thought, isn’t that what everyone wants?
Staring at himself in the mirror he could suddenly see very clearly a life of comfortable, nice, beige mundanity stretching out ahead of him, with this comfortable, nice, beige woman. And that thought suddenly made his soul shudder.
As his hands gripped the edge of the sink, unaware his knuckles were turning white with the pressure he was exerting, he studied a small bluey-green patch on his right cheekbone, the disappearing evidence of an undogged right hook, and wondered why Kim had never asked him about the road map of bruises and scars that were the evidence of his ‘other life’ on his skin, or why he’d never thought to question her lack of curiosity before now. But also, the fact that he had chosen not to tell her about his extracurricular activities hadn’t gone unnoticed by him either.
And the scars he bore were not just physical, but she had never once asked him about those either.

A few days later as he pulled the apartment door shut silently behind him, he wondered if he should have left some kind of note; an explanation as to where he was going perhaps? Surely, he owed her that much. But then, he wasn’t exactly sure where he was going himself, or what he intended to do when he got wherever it was, he didn’t know he was going.
And with Owen’s words still ringing in his ears, Eddie closed yet another chapter of his life and melted into the anonymity of the early morning street in the city that never sleeps.

Chapter Text

“Chris? Hey Buddy. What’s u….” Buck began blurrily as he finally located and managed to answer the phone. But Chris didn’t even wait for Buck to finish his greeting before launching into an urgently whispered rant about how he knows for sure that his dad’s not dead, that Athena thinks so too, and that Buck has to help him figure out where he is and what’s happened.
But Buck was too drunk and still reeling from the ghosts in Eddie’s house, so was having a hard time focusing on the words Chris was firing at him from the other end of the line like the monologue of every red string theory cop on TV, dedicated to cracking the case.
“Wait, stop, slow down Buddy.” He said, barging his way like a baby elephant into the spinning jump rope that was Chris’s stream of consciousness.
Not long after he’d hung up there was sharp rap on the front door.
Head still reeling and wondering who on earth could be at his door this late, Buck pushed himself up from the couch, successfully on the second attempt, and snaked his shaky way around to the door. Popping open the peep hole he found Tommy standing silhouetted in the porch light. Buck hesitated for a moment or two before opening the door just enough for him to slide in.
“I just finished the shift and wanted to come and check you were ok as you weren’t answering my texts”. He started before noticing Buck’s unfocused eyes and slight sway as he standing there, still gripping the edge of the door with one hand. “And it looks like I was right to.” He grabbed Buck’s elbow and guided him back towards the couch. “Here, sit down, I’ll get you some water.”
As Tommy emerged from the kitchen, water in hand, the furrows in his brow look deeper than usual. “Evan, did you take something?” He asks firmly, taking hold of Buck’s arms and forcing him to make hazy eye contact.
“What? No. Don’t be stupid. Eddie told me not to, then Chris told me Eddie’s alive, but he’s not in Texas.” Buck says without pausing for breath. “We have to find him Tommy. We need him back. I need him back”.
“Evan. You are not making any sense at all”. Tommy said, looking genuinely concerned now. “Listen, I’m going to stay here with you tonight. We can talk about it all the morning when you’re sober OK?”
“’K Tommy.” Is all Buck could muster as Tommy helped him stand up, and allowed himself to be guided gently but firmly by the shoulders towards the bedroom.
The next morning Buck emerged sheepishly from his room, curls even messier than usual, to find a pile of blankets and pillows neatly folded on his couch, the smell of fresh coffee drifting from the kitchen. He wasn’t sure if that smell was making him feel better or worse. Either way he couldn’t put the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach down to his hangover alone.
As he entered the kitchen, he got a distinct case of De Ja Vu when he saw Tommy pottering around cleaning up and putting things in cupboards. This image did not make him feel any better.
Buck was on a rest day but Tommy insisted on returning later and staying for another night. And even though Buck insisted he was fine now and there was nothing to worry about, he was secretly glad he won’t alone in a house full of ghosts for another night.

Just a few days later Tommy had picked up a fairly innocuous looking letter from the mailbox and handed it to Buck along with several other envelopes. It wasn’t until he realised Buck hadn’t followed him into the kitchen that he returned to the hallway and discovered Buck frowning over his post before his eyebrows shot up and he turned to stare at Tommy with a very strange look on his face. Tommy took the letter from Buck’s unrelenting hand and scanned the contents before looking sharply back at Buck who was staring wide eyed at his now empty palm.
“Wait, does this mean they’ve found him? That Eddie is….?” Buck didn’t want to finish that sentence. He felt dizzy and sick, and it took all his resolve just to open his mouth in preparation for the one word that he just couldn’t allow himself to push past his lips.
Eddie’s experience in the military and subsequently the LAFD, had clearly made him prepared for every eventuality. A few weeks after being shot by a sniper and his revelation to Buck about making him Chris’s guardian in his Will, he had had the foresight to add a clause which gave Buck guardianship, not only in the event of his death, but also should he be incapacitated for any other reason. And being missing clearly meant he couldn’t exercise his parental responsibilities, meaning Buck’s guardianship of Chris had technically taken effect.
After carefully reading the letter back to Buck several times at his request, Tommy’s view had been that Eddie had made this decision before Chris had gone to live with his grandparents; that right now he was settled in Texas with his family; that Buck wasn’t in any fit state to be caring for anyone else right now and should focus on himself first. And although Buck thought this made sense, he also felt he had already let Eddie down and didn’t want to do the same to Chris, and that meant Buck had to at least try.
Buck touched down at El Paso airport two days later. Tommy had offered to come too but Buck felt that this was something he needed to do on his own.
Buck had spent the first 30 minutes of the flight thinking about nothing else but what he was going to say to them when he got there. He’d played out every possible scenario in his head so many times, jiggling his foot uncontrollably and squirming in his seat so much that the lady next to him had asked him if he was afraid of flying, and did he want a drink to calm his nerves. He’d replied that he wasn’t scared of flying before he’d googled the aviation safety records for this airline, and yes, he very much would like a drink. And after a couple of gins, Buck had regaled her with the entire story from start to finish and asked her what she would do in his situation.
“Well firstly, it’s a shame Eddie’s not here for you to tell him how much he clearly means to you.” She’s turned towards him in her seat, her hand resting gently on his arm, totally invested now “But then, he trusted you with his son over his own family, so he must think very highly of you too, no? Oh, I hate to think that this story might not get to have a happy ending”. She says, patting his arm and sounding genuinely sad.
“But that can wait, you need to decide what you think is best for that child, and if that’s for him to be with you then you go get him.”
He was staying at a hotel in town but had arranged to go straight to Helena and Ramon’s to talk about what this meant for the Diaz family and for Chris.
The Diaz’ single story house sat on a modest sized plot surrounded by shady desert willow and juniper trees with a small brook running across the end of the garden.
The well-kept drive wound around the back of the house before opening out at the front porch. On the way up to the drive Buck could clearly see evidence of construction happening in the back garden. Piles of sand and bedrock showed where they had begun to excavate the pool Eddie had told him they were building for Chris to enable him to swim whenever he wanted. This made the knot in Buck’s stomach tighten another turn. It was clear that Chris was very much a part of their lives now, and they were making longer-term plans for it to stay that way.
Buck wasn’t sure he could offer Chris anything close to the life that he had here, full of open spaces, activities and most of all, time. Helena and Ramon were both retired, so time wasn’t an issue for them. And Buck recalled in heart wrenching detail the crushed look on Chris’s face when he and Eddie had to tell him they were both working on Christmas day.
Maybe Tommy was right, Chris needed to stay with his family, especially now that Eddie was wasn’t around. He was settled here, and Buck didn’t want to rip him away from that and take him back to LA without any real idea of how he was going to cope with being a single carer.
But Eddie’d done it, hadn’t he? He’d moved them both to California and started a new life. Granted, it had been tough for them at first, but he hadn’t had the 118 around from the start to given them what they needed, Stability, security, family.
He was still deep in the throes of this moral dilemma when he realised the cab had come to a halt and that Helena Diaz is descending the front steps towards him.
He wouldn’t say the reception he received was openly hostile, but there was a definite stiff, frosty politeness in the way they greeted him. Ramon extended a hand but withdrew it again quickly after a cursory shake, and Buck got the distinct impression that he wanted to wipe his palm on his trousers afterwards, a slight upturn at the corners of his mouth indicating his subconscious distain.
But he wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, after all he was there to potentially take away the only link they had left to their son, so he didn’t blame them for not extending the red carpet and welcoming him with open arms.
Once inside, he was offered a drink and sat awkwardly with Ramon at the dining room table whilst Helena busied herself in the kitchen arranging the cookies he’d brought as an olive branch on a plate. Chris was apparently out at chess club so they could have the space to talk freely. Buck felt disappointed that he wouldn’t get to see him on this visit. He hadn’t realised how much he’d really missed him until now.
He tried to thaw the ice with some small talk, telling them what a lovely house they had. But only ended up filling the awkward silences by going off on a tangent about the only other time he’d visited Texas, when the 118 were helping the AFD fight wildfires. But he faltered at the part where he and Eddie stole a fire truck and put themselves in mortal danger to go and save Hen, remembering, perhaps a little too late, that he was meant to be trying to make a good impression.
He felt rather like an awkward senior on prom night, being scrutinised by his date’s parents. And things don’t get much better, or less awkward from there.
The conversation continued with clipped and clearly loaded questions, aimed to trip him up, all about Buck’s experience of raising children, particularly ones with additional needs.
He felt satisfied that he tackled this hurdle admirably though, as he recounted the time when Eddie was in hospital and he and Carla managed the routine between them, and how since then he and Eddie had shared school pickups and childcare when the other was not on the same shift. He also demonstrated that he knew about Chris’ medical history, his exercise and physiotherapy routine.
But as the visit progressed Buck started to notice that every time he mentioned Eddie’s work they both subconsciously stiffened up, mouths pinching slightly at the corners. He got the distinct impression that they didn’t approve of Eddie’s choice of career. And it was becoming abundantly clear that they certainly didn’t approve of Eddie’s choice of friends.
As the afternoon shadows moved across the floor, the conversation moved on to Buck’s lifestyle and private life.
“And is there a…special someone in your life at the moment Evan?” Helena asks. Although he knew she was trying to phrase it delicately, Buck could feel the icy undercurrent beneath her saccharine tone seeping through. He was not a hundred percent sure whether Helena and Ramon knew about his past or his relationships with men, but from the emphasis on the word ‘lifestyle’ and tome with which the questions were posed, he suspected that they did know, and that they might not be as openminded as the people he had around him in LA. He was beginning to understand better where some of Eddie’s issues came from.
“Umm, nope, right now my only priority is about doing what’s right for Chris.” He saw their shoulders relax slightly at this. “You know, all I really want is to make sure that whatever happens it’s the right thing for him. I can see he’s got a good life here, and the last thing I want to do is disrupt that for him, especially without his dad being around right now”. He continued, choosing his words with care. And this was clearly the right thing to say. “We are so glad you see it that way too.” Helena replies, smiling at him and looking distinctly relieved. “We’d hate it if things were to get…complicated.”
After he’d said his awkward goodbyes and left them standing on the porch, Buck felt crushed between a rock and a hard place. He didn’t know if he was doing the right thing by Chris, but was plagued by the idea that he was somehow letting Eddie down again if he left without him.
He was slumped down in the back of the taxi, which was just preparing to pull away when the door opposite him flew open and he was almost taken out by a large backpack flung across the backseats followed by a pair of crutches and then Chris who was climbing in behind them. As the door slammed shut, before he’d even acknowledged Buck, Chris turns to the driver and simply said “drive”.
Buck was utterly speechless, and they were almost at the end of the drive before Buck had recovered enough to say “wait, stop. Chris, what the hell…?”
“Hey Buck.” Chris said cheerily at him before adding simply “I’m coming with you.” Followed in response to the perplexed look on Buck’s face by “no one ever asked me! This is what dad wanted and it’s what I want too.” His chin was pushed forward, a look of steely determination on his face, which reminded Buck very much of Eddie.
“But…but what about your grandparents? You can’t just leave without telling them.” Despite the fresh emotional scars from their interaction, Buck was aware that Helena and Ramon were dealing with the loss of their son and didn’t want them to think they’d lost their grandson too. Also, he didn’t fancy the Texas Rangers breaking down his hotel door and arresting him for kidnapping either.
“They’re liars.” Chris snaped sharply and Buck was taken aback by the force of feeling. “They were never going to let me go and live with dad again and they sure as heck weren’t going to let me go anywhere with you.”
Buck paused and though very carefully before asking his next question “Are you sure about this Chris?”
“Buck! I’ve had this bag packed for days.” He sounded exasperated. “I’m sure. Now let’s go”.
Buck made the call as soon as they were back at his hotel. Then, once his hands were steady enough to pick up the phone again, he’d called the airline to add another seat to his LA bound itinerary.
________________________
A forensic analysis of Eddie’s truck had generated more questions than answers. There was still no sign of a body but there was evidence that Eddie had suffered some potentially serious injuries.
There were patches of blood all around the driver’s seat, concentrated in the footwell near the central consol as well as around the window and roof. The CSI Athena spoke to (off the record) had said it looked like he’d been trapped but must have got free somehow and exited the vehicle, but that’s as far as they’d been able to get. What she said next sent chills up and down Athena’s spine. “But I have to be honest Sgt, with that level of blood loss mixed with the volume and temperature of the water, it’s very unlikely he would have survived long. I suspect the body was probably washed away so I’m afraid the chance of recovery is minimal.”
Athena thanked her for her time and hung up feeling distinctly crestfallen.
_____________
Life for Buck changed virtually overnight. Trying to balance being a single carer with a fulltime career was tough. But luckily everyone at the 118 were over the moon to have Chris back in LA and rallied around to help.
From Hen and Karen assisting with school runs, sleepovers and donating what appeared to be Denny’s entire wardrobe; Chim and Maddie making copious pot roasts, and Bobby adjusting his shift pattern to fit around his new parenting duties, Buck felt very well supported. He was also surprised to notice that Athena and Chris had become thick as thieves. He caught them, heads together deep in conversation on a number of occasions and made a mental note to ask Chris what that was about. But his crazy schedule and managing the demands of raising a teenager meant it got pushed ot the back of his already full mind.
Even Tommy had been getting involved in helping Buck. He’d changing his schedule so they could carpool and made sure Buck had a fresh coffee every time he even looked like he was about to yawn during a shift.
Very quickly Buck and Chris settled into a comfortable rhythm together. They talked and laughed and cried and hugged. And Buck didn’t hesitate to run in and comfort Chris when he heard him wake up thrashing and crying out in the night after having a nightmare. And whilst Buck settled down under a blanket on his bedroom carpet, Chris would hang over the side of the bed telling him about all the adventures he thought Eddie must be having and what their first meal will be when his dad finally came home. Until finally Buck would hear Chris start to slur his words and slowly drift off to sleep. And Buck would get up, quietly and turn out the big light before settling down on the floor and trying unsuccessfully to get to sleep himself.
Late one evening Tommy was dropping Buck off after a long and harrowing 48-hours. All Buck wanted to do was check in on Chris, who should be sound asleep by now, have a shower and go to bed. But as he put out his hand to open the door he was blindsided by Tommy, who, seemingly out of nowhere said “You know, you might want to think about getting another place soon Evan.” Buck opened his mouth to respond but Tommy continued “I mean, isn’t Eddie technically still on the tenancy?” At this point he spots Buck’s quizzical face. “Oh, I just wouldn’t want you and Chris ending up with nowhere to live when it’s time to re-sign that’s all”.
“Oh. well that’s very thoughtful of you Tommy. But this is Chris’ home, he needs to be here right now. Plus, Eddie will need somewhere to come back to”. He said breezily, taking note of a little flick at the corner of Tommy’s eyebrow which he quickly gets under control.
“Well, it wouldn’t hurt to think about it.” Tommy persists. “I don’t know how you even afford to keep up the rent on a place like this anyway? And you never know, maybe it would be good for both of you to have a fresh start?”
As Buck shuts the door behind him, Tommy’s words are still playing out in his head. What if they do end up homeless? He’d never even thought about that! Had he made the right decision, bringing Chris here? Was he able to give him what he needs if he can’t even keep a roof over their heads?
But all of these doubts melt away when Chris emerges headfirst from where he’s been ensconced on the sofa and launches himself at Buck, wrapping his arms around his waist in a big warm bear hug. Buck leant down and placed a gentle kiss on the top of Chris’s head. “What was that for Buddy? And shouldn’t you be in bed?” He said shooting a pointed glance at Carla, who was just levered herself up, looking slightly guilty and bleary eyed from the sofa.
“Just cos” Came the sing song reply. And with that, all thought of pursuing the ‘past your bedtime’ route is out of the window and along with it any thought of uprooting him again. No, this was Chris and Eddie’s home and Buck would just have to figure out a way for it to stay that way, no matter what.
___________
Captain Maynard looked exasperated, the vein in her forehead pulsing prominently. But this wasn’t the first time she’s had this conversation with Athena, and she was convinced it wouldn’t be the last. “St Grant, did I not make myself abundantly clear that this is out of the LAPD’s jurisdiction? And yet here I am being cc’d into emails about forensics testing and lifting equipment I knew nothing about”
Athena opens her mouth to protest but then thinks better of it. “I understand that this is close to your heart Athena, but you are not to go anywhere near this case from now on. Do you understand?”
Athena simply nodded, retreated silently from the room, keeping her head down until she was back at her desk where she immediately pulled out her phone to check her personal emails.
______________
The following day Buck and Tommy are entering the firehouse together when Buck stopped dead in his tracks as he noticed the now empty table in the foyer which had been cleared of flowers, cards and tributes to Eddie.
He was so apoplectic with rage that he was almost unable to get any words out. He turned on the rest of the crew, who were standing around in small groups and shouted at the top of his lungs. “What the hell is this? It’s only been a few weeks, and you all just want to pretend like he never existed? I mean I can understand it for you.” He yelled rounding on Tommy “You hardly knew him. But I’d have expected more from you two.” He spits, directing his barbed comments at Hen and Chimney’s backs as they beat a hasty retreat in the wake of his rage.
“That’s not fair Evan.” Tommy interjects from behind him “You’re not the only one who has feelings about this you know. They are just trying to be realistic. You need to accept that Eddie’s not coming back.” Buck physically recoils at this “And Chris needs you to help him understand that too, otherwise you’ll both just be stuck in this limbo forever.”
“But you don’t know that. No-one does. Chris shouldn’t have to just accept it and move on. That’s his dad.” Buck was still spitting with fury “Especially as he hasn’t had the closure he got with his mom. At least we knew that she was…gone. We haven’t even been able to have a funeral yet.” And with that Buck’s anger breaks the floodgate he’s been holding back, and he sinks to the floor taking big gasps, rocking and hugging his own chest.
Tommy squatted down to his level and said quietly in his ear “I’m only thinking about is you here Buck. I’m worried about what all this is doing to you. I know you don’t want to hear this but perhaps it’s time for you to face the truth and set some boundaries, be a bit firmer with Chris. You know, show him some tough love.” As he spoke her was moving further and further into Buck’s space like he was readying himself in for an embrace. But Buck flinched and shied away from the advance and Tommy immediately backed off looking hurt.
Buck, starting to get his emotions in check, took a few deep juddering breaths before he said “Look, Tommy. I appreciate everything you’ve done, and are trying to do for me, and for Chris. But I just don’t think I’m ready to accept that Eddie’s gone, or for… for us. I’m sorry, it’s just… it’s too soon.” Buck could tell Tommy was feeling hurt. And although that was not what he wanted, he also didn’t want to lead him on. And it was becoming more and more obvious that Tommy’s feelings still extend well beyond their working relationship and were bumping up against the boundaries of their friendship. And whilst Buck wasn’t being disingenuous when he said he appreciated Tommy’s help; there was a big part of him that felt, particularly after Tommy’s comments about Eddie being the ‘competition’, that restarting something with Tommy would mean accepting Eddie was gone forever and he was just not prepared to take that step. Yet.
After that, things appeared to be settling into the new normal in the Buckley-Diaz household. They had just said goodbye to Maddie and Chimney and were cleaning up after the mini tornado that is Jee-un Buckley Han. Whilst Buck was in the bathroom and clearly out of earshot, Tommy saw his opportunity to sidle over the Chris whilst he was clearing the table. He proceeded to lean in and whisper menacingly in a low and sinister tone “Hey kid, I wouldn’t get too comfortable here if I were you.”
Chris was blindsided by this. He opened his mouth to ask Tommy what the hell he was talking about, but Tommy continued before he could get a word out. “Buck told me the other day he thinks he made a mistake bringing you back here. That he only did it because he thinks he owes your dad something. But he doesn’t really want you around, getting in his way and cramping his style. I wouldn’t be surprised if he calls your grandparents to come and take you back to Texas soon.”
But before Chris had time to take this in or give any response, Buck emerged from the bathroom and Tommy instantly straightened up, cracked on a smile and said loudly and with a saccharine twist “hey buddy, let me help you with those” as he yanked the dishes forcefully out of Chris hands and followed Buck into the kitchen.
Chris was left reeling in his wake, leaning against the table in the now empty dining room, breathing heavily and staring at his hands where the plates had been moments before. A look of pure devastation spread across his face as he tried to process what Tommy had just said.
After the chores were completed and Chris was getting ready to head off for some well-deserved gaming time, Buck called him into the living room.
“Chris, can I talk to you for a second?” Chris looked nervous as Buck motioned for him to sit down next to him on the coach. Tommy was lurking in the kitchen doorway leaning on the doorframe as if he was unsure what to do with himself.
As Chris sat down, he could tell Buck was nervous as he was fidgeting and kept picking at his cuticles, unable to look Chris in the eye. Finally, turning his body stiffly towards Chris, Buck took a deep breath and spoke. “I know that this has been really hard for you. We both miss your dad loads.” Chris is almost sure he knows where this is going but he lets Buck go on regardless. “The most important thing in the world to me is that you’re happy, but maybe that means it’s time we start to consider the possibility that you dad is not…”
“No.” Chris yelled sharply making Buck jump “Dad’s not dead Buck. Why won’t you listen to me?”
“Chris I…” Buck started before Tommy interjects “I think you need to hear Buck ou…”
But Tommy didn’t even get to finish his sentence before Chris rounded on him yelling vehemently “Shut up! This is none of your business. Why are you always hanging around? Buck doesn’t want you here and neither do I.”
“Chris! You can’t talk to people like that.” Buck said, taken aback by this sudden outburst.
“I can say what I like Buck; It’s dad’s house, not his! And I’m not going anywhere.” He yelled over at Tommy as he pushed himself up from the sofa and headed for his room, Buck following in his wake trying to talk to him, but Chris just slammed the door in Buck’s face.
“Tommy’s only trying to…help”. Buck shouted into the wood in vain before tailing off and retreating to the couch to lick his newly opened parenting wounds.
“I’m so sorry about that Tommy. I didn’t think he would react that way, especially to you”
“It’s OK Buck. Honestly, I get it. He’s just not ready to accept it, and he doesn’t want to share you with anyone either, which is totally understandable.” He replied reaching out and putting a hand on top of Buck’s knee. Buck looked at it for a moment before raising his head and looking Tommy directly in the eye. There was a moment or two of silence between them before he sensed Tommy’s head subtly turning and inclining towards him. Buck’s breath hitched and he caught himself involuntarily leaning in too before sighing deeply and looking away, breaking the tension that had been building for a while. “It’s probably best if you go. I can deal with this. I think Chris just needs some time to cool off”.
But Chris didn’t cool off; he seemed to freeze over, to the point where Buck felt an icy chill settling on the house over the next few days. He hardly left his room and gave monosyllabic responses to any attempt Buck made to chip away at the growing glacier between them.
Buck was despondent. He didn’t know what to do to fix this. He thought that showing some tough love as Tommy had suggested was ultimately going to help Chris, but that appeared to have been the wrong approach. This was when he missed Eddie the most. Eddie would have known exactly what to say and do in this situation. And he was pissed at Eddie for leaving him and at the same time angry at himself for making a mess of things with Chris as well as Tommy.
During his next shift Buck was still feeling totally lost. Chris was still not talking to him, and neither was Tommy. So he decided to get some advice from one of the most experienced parents in the firehouse.
“He’s grieving Buck and a hormonal teenager. That’s the worst combo.” Hen said sagely. “He’s lost so many people already, of course he’s not going to accept that his dad is gone too.” Buck listened intently as if he was making notes in his head. “He’s scared, that’s why he’s pushing you away before you can leave him as well. He just needs time” Hen continued “and to know that you’re not going anywhere, even when he’s pushing buttons you didn’t even know you had in ways you didn’t even know were possible.” Seeing the slightly bemused look on Buck’s face she added “Welcome to the wonderful roller coaster ride that is parenting Buck.” before giving him a less than reassuring pat on the back and walking off in search of Chimney.
Later on, Tommy was rolling the hoses when Buck saw his in, and sidled up asking nonchalantly if Tommy needed any help. Tommy looked up at him, pausing for a second before inclining his hand in silent invitation. After testing the water with some small talk about their last shout, Buck tentatively brought up the subject of Chris.
“I don’t think I handled that very well, did I? Chris is still mad at me. The thing is, I still want to believe he’s right, no matter how unlikely it is, that Eddie is still out there somewhere and not…. I don’t know.” He shook his head, not waiting for a response before ploughing on. “Maybe he would have been better off staying with his grandparents? I mean, what do I know about raising a teenager?
He let out a big sigh before he said, “And I’m sorry that he was so rude to you as well, after all you’ve done for us.”
Buck was clearly spiralling, so Tommy placed a calming hand on his arm and replies, “Honestly Buck, it’s OK.” before adding with a gentle squeeze “But have you considered that maybe he sees you as more of a friend than a parent? Maybe he just needs to understand that it’s not all about him, that you need a life too.”

Chapter Text

Eddie’s parents were what some might refer to as ‘old school’. As second-generation immigrants living in the South, they had fixed ideas about things like work ethics, marriage, gender roles, faith and respectability. Eddie could think of a few other words to describe them, all of which would have earned him a swift clip round the ear for being disrespectful. Even as an adult it was something Eddie thought might not be beyond the realms of possibility. But although the lashes came solely from their tongues, it didn’t mean they were any less painful.
When he’d left Kim and New York behind, without a clear plan, the only place he could think to go back to was his family home in Texas. But now he wasn’t so sure that hadn’t been just another big mistake.
“But don’t you think you could have tried harder with…Kim was it?” The fact that his dad wasn’t sure of his girlfriend’s name came as little surprise to Eddie.
“Yes Edmundo” His mum agreed, tag teaming with his dad to come at him for all angles. He hated it when they used his full name because it always meant he was in some kind of trouble. “We just thought that being the oldest you would be settled down by now.”
‘They really couldn’t help themselves, could they?’ he thought. Always making jabs or taking sideswipes at his choices, or perceived lack thereof. Eddie started to think he preferred the kind of swipes that result in a black eye, at least he’d mostly learnt how to dodge these, rather than get blindsided time and again. But somehow, flying in the face of reason and experience, he always expected things to be different. Spoiler alert, they never were.
“Kim and I were ‘settled’” he responded, emphasising that last word with air quotes. “We just weren’t married that’s all.”
“Well perhaps you would have put in a bit more effort if you had been.” Came the scathing reply. “A marriage requires commitment Edmundo. You make it work. You can’t just quit at the first sign of trouble.”
Later that evening Eddie found himself standing alone in the kitchen. He took a plate from the rack, shaking the excess water off and started drying it with the already damp towel. He had never understood why his parents had never invested in a dishwasher, but his dad always said it was cheaper and used less water to do it by hand. That was rich, Eddie thought, coming from someone who had spent most of his married life on the road and nowhere near the sink.
In the blissful silence, an orchestra of cicadas chirped slightly out of time in the early evening hush, but otherwise the house was eerily quiet.
The feelings of hurt and anger, mixed with the spike of catholic guilt he’d had after their initial encounter were starting to subside a little.
He put down the soggy dishcloth and decided to take a wander around his parent’s home to see if it was still how he remembered it.
As he made his way around the living room it looked virtually unchanged. In fact, if anything it looked like the decor had been frozen at the peak of his childhood in the early 2000’s.
There was a generous helping of both Sweden and Mexico with a sprinkling of Texas thrown in for good measure. All brash colours and patterns with smooth sleek lines, accompanied by the religious icons and the opulent art of Catholicism.
As he moved through the house, he studied some of the family photographs that adorned the walls and found one which depicted his parents with his youngest sister Adriana as a newborn. She was snuggled comfortably in her mum’s arms, who was smiling at the camera whilst Ramon lent in, a little awkwardly, Eddie thought, with a hand placed deliberately on his wife’s shoulder like he didn’t really know what he was meant to do with it.
Eddie was surprised that they had managed to find one which included his dad, given the amount of time he actually spent at home in those days.
As he wandered further through the house finding references to key moments throughout their married life, he started to notice that there were no pictures of him at all. This realisation plucked sharply, like a violinist playing pizzicato, at the subconscious feeling that he was such a disappointment to them that they had all but erased him from their lives.
But he knew that they must have some images of him squirreled away somewhere, especially as a teenager, beaming away whilst gripping one side of a trophy nearly as tall as him, his partner clinging to the other side, all sparkles and white teeth in tanned faces.
He remembered clearly what it was like to compete in dance competitions. How he’d got a thrill from mastering new or complex chorography; the feeling of two bodies moving as one like water across the floor.
He thought it must be akin to the feeling the other boys got from competing in sports competitions. Not that he hadn’t been decent at sports. He’d tried out and been accepted for the basketball team and had even won a few things, but he’d never really achieved the same high from it as he had when he was on the dance floor.
Before he was even consciously aware, he’d closed his eyes and muscle memory had him spinning across the room in hold with an invisible partner, a grin spreading across his face, until his elbow caught the edge of a small, framed photo on the sideboard sending it skittering across the floor, jerking him out of his blissful trance. He righted it hurriedly, hoping the noise hadn’t alerted his parents, observing as he did that it contained a painting of a ship in full sail, rounding an outcrop of rocks on choppy sea set in an ornate gilded frame. It was not one he recalled ever seeing before.
He made a mental note to ask them why that picture should be there and yet none of his were. Although part of him thought bitterly that maybe he won’t much like the answer.
For as long as he could remember Eddie had felt that the expectations of being the eldest and only boy in his family had never seemed to fit him right. It was like a young child trying on his father’s suit for the first time. Baggy in some places, yet in others stiff and restrictive and distinctly out of fashion. The outfits he had chosen himself came with more sequins and spandex than starched collars and ties.
But, like all children, he always thought he would grow into their expectations one day. Ironically, he’d assumed his relationship with Kim would have been part of the wardrobe that his parents would have picked out for him. A steady, respectable life with a beautiful, kind woman. But apparently even that was a source of disappointment to them.
Eddie hadn’t so much openly rebelled at the ‘one-size-fits-all’ mentality that had been passed down to him through the generations, but he had subtly pushed against it in various ways, which had started with the ballroom dancing.
It wasn’t conventional for a boy to take up competitive ballroom, especially in Texas in the 90’s. So, at first the social stigma and shame had been too much for Helena and Ramon. Eddie also experienced his fair share of bullying and rejection, mostly from his male peers, and so the majority of his friends at school had been girls.
But he was so passionate about it, and so naturally talented that they had eventually had to accept that there was about as much chance of talking him out of it as there was of them going to the moon. So, slowly they came around and started to embrace his obvious talent. And after that, it had become all-consuming for them. In their eyes Eddie was so good that he had to win every tournament and competition he ever entered. Which also meant hard work and dedication to extra training sessions over having any kind of fun or a social life.
But eventually this win at all costs mentality had killed the golden goose. The pressure to meet their impossible standards became unbearable for Eddie, to the point where he blew up at them one day, smashed all his trophies off the shelf and quit on the spot. He’d never wanted to look at another sequin ever again.
And this of course turned into yet another source of disappointment for them. He recalled the lectures about how much time, effort and money they had invested in this hobby of his and how ungrateful he was of their sacrifices on his behalf.
But despite all of that, Eddie still loved his parents dearly. He just didn’t understand why they seemed so determined to devour anything that brought even the vaguest hint of joy into his life.
_______________
He was on his way to meet his sisters the following day when it started. At first it felt like a low rumbling hum coming from somewhere beneath his feet, like you got in New York when a subway train passed by underground. But the sensation only continued increasing in intensity, vibrating up his legs then rattling against the inside of his ribs and into his skull, shaking his brain and making his teeth chatter.
It felt alien, yet somehow strangely familiar at the same time. He was desperately trying place it when he began to sway uncontrollably and had to fling his hands out grasping at empty air to keep himself from toppling over in the middle of the street.
And then, just like that, it stopped. He pushed himself up shakily from where he’d sunk to his knees, brushing the sidewalk dust off his pants before straightening up and taking stock.
He was more than a little surprised to see that nothing around him looked to be out of place at all. Everyone appeared to be going about their business like nothing happened. In fact, he was getting some very strange looks from a few people who happened to be passing by.
He deliberately stepped into the path of an oncoming pedestrian and asked her desperately “You felt that right? Tell me you just felt that.” But she only stared at him slightly alarmed and said “felt what honey? You feeling OK? You look a little peaky” He shrugged her off apologising, muttering that he must have imagined it.
He was still feeling distinctly discombobulated when he sat down opposite Adriana and Sophia in the café across the street.
Why had that felt so familiar to him? And why had images of flashing lights and a feeling of panicked, frenzied activity appearing and just as quickly vanishing in his head? The ghost of dust lingering in his lungs making him want to choke and cough.
As soon as he thought he’d snagged the loose thread from the blanket of his memory it seemed to get yanked out of his reach again, like waking from a dream which is just a ghost on the tip of your brain, or walking into a room and instantly forgetting what you went in there for.
Whenever he thought something was on the periphery of his perception, he would forget what it was he’d been thinking about in the first place. Sometimes it was tantalisingly close like he could just reach out and grab it only for it to disappear like smoke through his outstretched fingers.
“Eddie” And as it to prove his point, his thoughts were yet again derailed as he was suddenly enveloped in a huge double sibling hug.
Given their age gap and the prolonged absence of their father during their early years, Eddie had always felt slightly more like a father than a big brother, particularly to Adriana. But generally, he felt very close to both his sisters.
After some small talk about what they had all been up to and where they were going in their lives, the conversation inevitably turned to their favourite subject, their parents, and Eddie started venting about how infuriating they’d both been since his return.
But instead of agreeing with him and having the usual parental bitch fest, he was surprised to find that both appeared to be taking his mum and dad’s side this time.
“It’s just that they expect you to set a good example Eds.” says Sophia, taking a bite out of her enormous, sugar-coated pastry.
“Yeah” Adriana jumps in filling the gap left by her sister’s mouth full. “They finally thought their son was settled and happy for once and then you go and dump another woman for no apparent reason. Again”. Eddie placed his cup down and opened his mouth to protest, but Adriana continued undaunted.
“What did happen this time anyway?” she asked. “This one seemed pretty prefect from where we were standing”.
“Oh Dios. Not you too? I barely survived this line of questioning from mum and dad”. Eddie said, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “I plead the fifth your honour”
So, clearly getting nowhere, Adriana tries a different tack. “But don’t you think they might have a point this time Eds? That you might be throwing the baby out with the bath water?”
Sophia, who was finally done chewing, jumped back into the conversational rally, making Eddie feel like he was at a tennis match, his attention pinging back and forth between the two women sat opposite him. “Yeah Eds, get with the programme! There are actually some advantages to tradition.” Then, seeing his eye brows shoot up at this, continued with “We’re not saying it’s all ‘hail Mary’s’, Latin mass and marry the first woman you see, but maybe you need to take a fresh look from a different angle? Then you might understand better where they are coming from.”
‘How the hell did I get here?’ Eddie thought as he took his seat, sandwiched firmly between his two sisters.
He’d only agreed to this to stop their inescapable onslaught. Their powers combined was a force to be reconned with and after the verbal battering he’d had from his parents already, his resilience reserves were running dangerously low.
But he was determined to approach this with an open mind, if only to have an I told you so moment later on. Yet, already he was starting to feel that appeasement might have been the wrong motivation for finding himself squeezed between his siblings at a modern Megachurch service.
It was an eclectic sea of white, black and Latino faces of all ages, from a babe in arms to an octogenarian Abuela, who Eddie has a sneaking suspicion might suddenly spring from her chair and dance down the aisle, like a re-invigorated adolescent, at any moment.
Beside him Adriana let out a little squeal of excitement a little too close to his ear and at a pitch that would have started the neighbourhood dogs barking. She grabbed and squeezing Eddie’s hand as she bobbed up and down in her seat, like a child about to receive a gift on Christmas day, whilst the preacher made his way onto the stage. Apparently, he had a big following on Insta.
“Praise the Lord.” The preacher yelled emphatically into the mic from the huge stage at the front. This was greeted by a chorus of ‘praise the lord’s’ repeated back to him, with a few loud ‘hallelujahs’ thrown in for good measure.
Despite Christianity being firmly entrenched in his family’s DNA and inexorably bound up with Eddie’s own sense of identity, like the writing through a stick of rock, he’d had niggling doubts about his own faith and what he truly believed in for most of his life. And although he could get on board the whole love thy neighbour and do good deeds part, the concept of sin and intense guilt for seemingly having any feelings or desires whatsoever had always made him more than a little uncomfortable. He was starting to sweat already, and it had nothing to do with the Texas humidity.
As his eyes scanned the room, subconsciously looking for a way out, he caught sight of what he initially thought might be a statue of a bird perched an empty chair at end of the back row. This struck Eddie as a very odd place to leave a statue, until he saw its head swivel unnervingly and stare his direction. But just then his attention was drawn back to the front of the church as the sermon reached a crescendo.
“And I say unto you as it says in Leviticus ‘Thou shall not lie with mankind, as with womankind” The assembled throng went crazy with more ‘amens’ and ‘praise the lords’.
He’d always wondered why God had decided to give people the capacity to choose who and how they loved, only to condemn them for doing exactly that. That somehow didn’t strike Eddie as very loving or fatherly behaviour at all.
Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the bird again, and thought maybe it had got in there by accident, or it was hurt and needs some help finding its way out again. Everyone around him seemed to be far too absorbed in what was going on at the front of the church to have noticed anything out of the ordinary. Adriana and Sophia both seemed so mesmerised by it that they became uncharacteristically irritated and ‘shush’ him loudly when he tried to draw their attention to it.
But his interest had been well and truly peeked, and Eddie felt compelled to get a closer look. So, he shuffled apologetically to the end of his row, determined, despite the tuts and disapproving looks from the rest of the assembled churchgoers, and made his way slowly and carefully towards the back of the vast room, the sound of the sermon providing a verbal backdrop. But before he could reach out a tentative hand to reassure the creature that he meant it no harm, it took flight and disappeared through an open door in the side of the building.
Once outside Eddie thought he’d definitely come out of the wrong door, when he’d found himself in a quiet, shady church yard with yew lined paths winding between rows of well-kept gravestones.
As he took stock of the sudden change in his environment, he realised he had been holding his breath for quite some time. So, slowly and deliberately he inhaled deeply, sucking in the sweet scent of the yew trees and freshly dug earth.
He glanced back at where he’d come from, expecting to see the modern, angular glass building that housed the megachurch, but instead was greeted by the tall imposing grey stonework of a much more traditional church, complete with slate roof and a copper green weather vane swaying gently in the afternoon breeze.
It was then that he noticed the bird once again, perched on a gravestone nearby, eyeing him intently. On closer inspection it turned out to be a small, beautiful owl with white speckles adorning its handsome chestnut plumage. It looked both completely out of place and yet like it belonged there at the same time.
As Eddie approached with some trepidation, it took flight again, wings expanding to reveal more luxurious feathers in deeper browns and burnt oranges. Eddie recoiled instinctively at the sudden movement, but yet again the owl didn’t fly far, alighting the branch of a tree just next to the entrance of the church where it studied him with wise unblinking eyes before turning its head slowly through 180 degrees towards the door he was almost convinced he’d just came out of, which stands invitingly ajar.
______________
Inside it was dark and peacefully quiet, the kind of deep silence that comes from centuries of inner reflection and contemplation. A stark juxtaposition to the exuberance of the service he’d just left behind.
Eddie crossed the cavernous nave, extremely conscious of the click of his shoes echoing on the cold tiled floor. He moved instinctively towards the small wooden confessional chambers on the far side, and as he sank down onto the tiny, narrow, hard bench he looked up to the heavens and crossed himself. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. But all he could see above him was the roof mere inches above his head where a fly was caught in a lonely, abandoned spider web flapping in the breeze coming through the mesh separating the tiny booths. “It’s been…” He stuttered as he couldn’t easily recall the last time he’d set foot in the confines of a confessional. “It’s been… too long since my last confession”. He decided that sounded vague enough to cover all eventualities.
He could distinctly make out the rustle of the priest’s cassock as his unseen body shifted in his seat a few feet away.
Eddie had always found the idea of confession distinctly odd and very awkward. Telling a stranger your innermost secrets, desires and indiscretions always felt so alien to him. So, he had no idea why his feet appeared to have drawn him there or what it was that he so desperately needs to get off his chest.
“God bless you. Please. Go ahead.” Came the soft, surprisingly young sounding response. Eddie’s mind started to drift as he imagined the owner of a voice like that to be a man in his mid-30’s maybe, with kind, gentle eyes and an sharp mind, before a small cough from beside him made him realise that he’d been too distracted by imagining the man attached to the voice that he hadn’t actually acquiesced to its request to begin his confession.
“Oh, yes umm.” He stumbled over his words, trying to think where to begin. “It’s hard to know where to start really. But I guess I feel like I don’t belong here, or anywhere for that matter. I know my family just want what’s best for me but I always seem to end up disappointing them. I’m a failure to them and to God too I suppose?” He paused to ponder this for a moment before continuing “Although I’m not sure how I feel about the latter. No offence father” He added as a quick caveat “But I really don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone anymore.” He falls silent and stares into his hands folded neatly in his lap.
After a long pause the priest said gently with a smile in his tone. “No offence taken. I’m sure it would take a lot more than a bit of healthy scepticism to upset the big man. But please, tell me more”.
“Well, I guess I’ve always tried to be what they wanted me to be, but they expect too much. I’ve never felt ready to settle down and get married, like I’m supposed to. There always seems to be something missing, if you know what mean?” He trails off, not sure he even knows what he means. “Just never found the right woman I suppose?” He mutters, almost inaudibly.
After another short pause and more cassock shifting the priest replies pragmatically “Well, I think that sounds quite sensible to me Eddie. Marry in haste, repent at leisure as the saying goes.”
Eddie’s not sure how he’s meant to respond to this. It wasn’t at all what he’d expected. Clearly sensing Eddie’s surprise the priest continues “I think a parent really should be someone who knows and understands us, even when we don’t know or understand ourselves. They should encourage and nurture our exploration of who we are; what and how we love; anticipate our needs, but also push and challenge us gently when required.”
There was yet another a big pause after this, and although Eddie was starting to get used to them, this one went on so long that he began to wonder how, or even if, he was meant to response. But finally, the priest concluded. “And I think you and I both know someone who fits that bill perfectly, don’t we Eddie?”
On his way back to his parent’s house Eddie was still busy mulling over what the priest had said and what he could have meant when he stopped to get gas. And that’s when he saw her behind the counter.
“Shannon?”

Chapter Text

As soon as Eddie’s eyes locked with Shannon’s everything else seemed to pale into insignificance. He experienced a swooping sensation in his gut like he was freefalling. It was thrilling and terrifying at the same time.
Shannon was Eddie’s first love. They’d met in Junior High and became friends almost instantaneously, and from then on, they had been virtually inseparable. So, when they finally told their family and friends they were dating, no one had been the least bit surprised. Although Eddie’s parents hadn’t been over the moon about it. They blamed Shannon for being a bad influence on Eddie, distracting him for his studies and influencing him to give up dancing.
So, when he told them that she might be pregnant when they were in their senior year, they went crazy and forbade him from ever seeing her again.
It turned out to be a false alarm, but the damage was already done, and they hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since leaving school.
Over the next few weeks Eddie spent every moment with Shannon, in fact he struggled to remember what his life was even like before. Vague memories surfaced every now and again of high rises, churches, bare knuckle boxing and confessionals, but these images were fleeting and fuzzy, whereas Shannon was the only thing that felt real and solid.
They slipped back into the easy rhythm of their childhood friendship, as if the intervening years never existed. It started with coffee dates, then escalated to afternoon or evening walks around the lake, until eventually he realised, they were dating again.
And it was different from what he’d had with Kim; they talked and talked and cried and laughed about anything and everything.
But despite all of it, Eddie still couldn’t shake that peripheral feeling that something wasn’t right; that this was still not where he was meant to be and that he should be focusing on something else, even though it was everything he thought he wanted.
And Shannon knew it too.
One day they were sitting in comfortable silence on their favourite bench, looking out across the lake, shadows lengthening in front of them, when Shannon turned to look up at him and said, “You know I was so mad at you for leaving me without a word, like nothing happened.”
Eddie reached his hand out to cover hers resting in her lap. “I didn’t leave you Shannon. I had no choice. We were just kids ourselves. You know I would have stayed if you had been pregnant.”
“You’re right, it would have been different, and I know that you would have done everything you could to do the right thing.” She said bringing a hand up to stroke his face. Eddie closed his eyes, leaning into the soft touch like a man finding an oasis after weeks in the desert. “But you and I both know that I could never make you happy, not really.” She dropped her hand back into her lap. Eddie’s face tried to follow it, feeling cold and bereft after the warmth of her touch was withdrawn. “Eddie, I don’t want you to stay here out of a sense of guilt or obligation about some unfinished business between us. I want to be your choice.”
He opened his eyes, looking deep into hers and knew she was right, he couldn’t give her what she wanted. Him.
“It’s OK Eddie” she reassured him, sensing what he couldn’t verbalise. “You’re not leaving me this time. I’m letting you go.”
Eddie sighed deeply and closed his eyes again.
_________
Seeing the warmth of the mid-afternoon sun as a red glow on his eyelids, Eddie blinked a couple of times before things came into focus. He instinctively slipped both hands around the solid mug of coffee he found on the table immediately in front of him, as if to ground himself, blowing on the hot contents before sipping it carefully. It tasted just like he always has it, strong and sweet.
As he put it down on the table in front of him, he noticed that the mug had a beautiful painting of an owl in flight emblazoned on it. He also noticed that person sitting quietly opposite him when he looked up from the mug was not Shannon.
His host seemed to be keenly observing Eddie, who began casting a curious eye around the unfamiliar environment before he spoke “Please, feel free to take a look around. I’d like to know what you think of my choice of décor.”
Much like Eddie’s childhood home, the house he’d found himself in appeared to be an eclectic mix of styles, colours and eras. But unlike his parent’s house, which he’d always found stuffy and restrictive, this house felt much more light and airy.
As he continued scanning the room he noticed that every wall appeared to be adorned with paintings, photos or some kind of religious art. Several of the paintings looked remarkably like the one he’d observed of the ship crashing through the waves that his parents had on the dresser in El Paso. But these were more landscapes than seascapes, painted in vibrate colours and hues. Rich earthy greens and chestnut browns sweeping up to meet blue skies, with clouds so realistic Eddie could have sworn he saw them scudding across the sky casting intermittent shadows across the rolling hills below.
Curiosity got the better of him and he felt compelled to get up from his seat at the table taking the mug of hot coffee with him and, tentatively at first, move around the room examining the decoration and imagery in closer detail.
“I can see that you are a man of faith.” Eddie said indicating the religious iconography dotted throughout the house, including a very prominent crucifix adorning one wall.
“Well, it’s certainly something that’s important to me for sure, although I wouldn’t say it’s always been easy. But faith, like any relationship takes hard work and dedication to maintain as well as a bit of soul searching, and some luck every now and then. But I wouldn’t say it’s the most important thing in my life. There are other things which are equally as dear to me” Eddie can feel intense eyes drilling into his back. But there’s a lot there to unpack already and he’s still sussing things out, so he doesn’t give a response yet, but instead moves on, his eyes alighting next on a picture of a small boy, maybe 9 or 10 beaming proudly, a shiny medal glinting from his chest. He’s standing next to a tall, smart, upstanding man dressed in full firefighting gear and they are holding a presentation frame between them, but Eddie can’t quite make out what it says due to the size of the photo.
“Is this you?” he asked over his shoulder “The boy I mean?”
“Yes” came the reply “and the man is my father. br /> “Do you think he’s proud of you?” The words had spilled out of Eddie’s mouth before he’d even thought about how personal and direct a question that was.
“Hard to say.” came the enigmatic response. “Sometimes kids choose their own path regardless of what their parents want for them.”
“Do you think that’s why mine hate me so much?” Eddie asks bitterly, staring into the bottom of his mug as if he expected to see the answer written there amongst the rapidly cooling coffee dregs. “Because I always chose things they don’t want for me?”
“They don’t hate you Eddie; they hate what you represent. Change, challenge, evolution, confrontation of feelings they don’t want to have, but can’t ignore.”
“Hey, that’s me!” He was suddenly distracted. “Why do you have a picture of me on your wall?”
“Take a closer look.” Was the only response he gets.
The picture in question contained a large group of people, gathered in some kind of loft space. It must be Christmas time as there were Santa hats and decorations adorning heads and beams.
Near the centre of the image Eddie could see himself, beaming at the camera. Then he zooms out to take a closer look at some of the other faces. Next to him he recognizes his host with his arm around Eddie’s aunt Pepa’s shoulder and on Eddie’s other side a tall, young, white man with a wide adorable grin. A Santa hat perched at a jaunty angle sits on his blond curls. Eddie felt a slight flush of heat and butterflies emanate from his chest as he studied the image of himself surrounded by people looking so happy.
Both Eddie and the other man have a hand each on the shoulder of a boy of around 7 or 8, who Eddie felt instantly proud and protective of at the same time, even though he’s adamant that he’s never seen him before.
“Eddie, the choices you’ve had to make haven’t always been easy ones. But you never were one to shy away from commitment”. His host says breaking the silence that’s descended on the room.
The photo, the use of his name and the things he’d been saying have Eddie convinced that the man must know him somehow. So, he plucked up the courage to ask the question.
“How is it that you know so much about me if we’ve never met before?” It had been playing on his mind for as long as he’d been there, although he was not entirely sure how long that had been. He was totally convinced this was the right place, but seemed to have no memories of the man in front of him at all. This, combined with the fact that he couldn’t seem to remember how he’d even got there in the first place was making him seriously question his mental state at the very least, if not his entire reality. “You know how I take my coffee; that we share a religion; what my parents are like and probably other things about me which we haven’t even got to yet.”
His host simply smiled at him, giving no indication that he was going to provide a direct answer to any of Eddie’s questions and seemed content simply to continue the comfortable silence. So, Eddie turns back to the picture again to see if he could find any answers there.
“Who is that, next to me?” He asked looking again into the face of the smiling firefighter.
“That’s Buck”
“And who is Buck to me?”
“I’m not sure either of you have figured that out yet.” Eddie sensed affection and some mild amusement behind that answer.
“And that’s my son between us, isn’t it?” His host nodded. “But he doesn’t exist here, does he?” A head shake ‘no’. “So” He continued, trying to pull on the threads as he goes. “Both those things can’t be true at the same time. Therefore, I must be dead. Or at least asleep. This is a dream, right?”
“Keep going Eddie, you’re almost there”.
He’d figured he had somehow wound up in Minesota, but he also felt like Dorothy must have when Kansas suddenly went ‘bye bye’.
“Then why can’t I remember anything about that life? And which one is the ‘real’ one anyway?” Eddie is exasperated, sinking back into his chair. His head is starting to hurt.
“Ahh, now that is something I can help you with.” And with that his host disappeared into the back of the house and Eddie could hear some scraping and muttering as he’s clearly trying to find something back there.
With a triumphant “there you are” he returned and placed a large brown cardboard box on the table in front of Eddie, then simply sat back down opposite him and watched out of curious side eyes as Eddie stood up and removed the lid.
Eddie really had no idea what could possibly be in the box, and judging by the way today was going he thought it could be anything.
As he peeled back the lid and tentatively peered down at the contents, he was not initially sure what it was he was looking at. But as he reached down, fingers touching the shiny, cold metal and plastic, a shock of memories seemed to shoot up his arms like electricity. Visions of epic rescues, of hours of cleaning trucks and equipment; the feeling of growing nervous energy and anticipation on the way to a call. But it’s more than that. It’s family dinners with colleagues who are also friends. It’s the reassuring feeling of his thigh brushing against someone else’s in the back of the truck, shoulders bumping together momentarily as they walk. It’s knowing that the people he trusts to have his back can equally trust him to have theirs, no matter what happens. It’s family.
And Eddie knew now exactly what this was and what it means to him.
As he looked up again, he saw Captain Bobby Nash, eyes shining, like he was on the verge of tears and suddenly noticed the dark blue shirt and pants, matching the ones he had on in the photo that, now he comes to think of it, he’d been wearing the whole time.
Between them on the table was an LAFD fire fighters’ helmet with 118 emblazoned proudly in big red letters across the metal plate on the front.
“Tell me everything” was all Eddie could say as he sank back into his abandoned chair.

Chapter Text

Athena knew she was taking a huge risk, that her entire career could hinge on the next few hours. But she also knew she was so close to the truth she could almost taste it. Still, her heart felt like it was in her mouth as she knocked on the door of the Diaz house.
Helena opened it, and Athena recognised a look of shock with a hint of panic cross her face before she swung the door wide and invited her to come in.
“It’s nothing to worry about Mrs Diaz” She reassured her. “Just some routine follow up questions that’s all. It shouldn’t take up too much of your time.”
“Oh, no, that’s ok. Anything we can do to help. I’m sorry, what did you say your name was Sargent?” Asked Helena and she gestured for Athena to sit at the dining room table.
“Prince, Sgt Penny Prince.” Athena replied, flashing her badge quickly before tucking it carefully back in her pocket.
“Can I get you something to drink Sgt Prince?”
“That would be lovely Mrs Diaz, thank you. But may I impose on you and use your bathroom before we start? It’s a been a long drive to get here.”
“Please, go ahead.” Helena pointed her in the direction of the bathroom before turning her back and making her way into the kitchen where Athena could hear her bustling around making coffee.
As she headed towards the bathroom, she was scanning the house for anything that might provide some kind of a lead. And she thought she might have hit the jackpot with a pile of letters on a side table near the front door. Checking that Helena is otherwise occupied she snuck the top few into her left hand and continued on to the bathroom to study her bounty.
And she wasn’t disappointed. Athena had struck gold. Sandwiched between some bills and reminders to renew their car insurance was an envelope with an Arizona post mark. When she pulled out the paper from inside, with slightly shaky hands her jaw almost hit the floor, and she sank onto the edge of the bath.
Inside the envelope was a letter from an insurance company dated a few weeks ago with a medical bill for MRI’s and continued medical sedation relating to a patient named Mr E Diaz.
Once she had made a note of the details and returned the letters to their original spot, she took her seat at the table and asked a few standard questions before making her excuses and leaving as quickly as she could without arousing Helena’s suspicions. The steam still rising from the mug of coffee untouched on the table between them.
As soon as she was clear of the drive, Athena was straight on the phone.
“Bobby, they’ve known Eddie was alive this whole time. I think they kept it to themselves, thinking that as long as everyone thought he was still missing they could keep Chris with them indefinitely. You know it can take 7 years to declare someone dead without a body, right? That would give them plenty time to build a case against Buck, contest the Will and file for permanent custody. But they didn’t factor in the strength of the bond between Chris and Buck. They underestimated their grandson, just like they have done with their son his whole life. He’s a smart kid, they both are.”
At the Pheonix hospital Athena had given the same false name to the woman on the nurse’s station. One, so it wouldn’t alert the higher ups of her presence and two because she wanted to make sure that if Eddie did wake up and didn’t know who she was, she could simply melt away and no-one would be any the wiser.
It was dimly lit in the small side room and so quiet, apart from the metronomic beep of the monitors. The bed was surrounded by such a jumble of wires, pumps and machinery, it was hard to even recognise there was a person at the centre of it all, never mind who that person was.
Once she’d got close enough to penetrate the undergrowth of wires, Eddie looked pale, yet peaceful. His dark hair pushed back from his face and spread out across the pillow behind his head. Unfortunately, Athena was becoming all to accustomed to having these one-way conversations and so no longer felt awkward about making her presence known.
“Well, you’ve given us all quite the run around haven’t you, Mr Diaz?” She said taking his hand and squeezing it like she had with Bobby when he was in this very same predicament. It was hard for her not to feel those same emotions bubbling up; helplessness; hope; despair all at the same time.
“You should be super proud of that son of yours. You’ve raised a good ’un there. He’s got a very sensible head on his shoulders, which I know he gets from you.” She leaned in a little closer and whispers conspiratorially “It’s where he gets his tenacity from too, I suspect”.
As she moved back upright again, she continued “Buck’s doing an amazing job with him by the way. See, you got that right too.” Another hand squeeze “Although, I think he could do with your input in some other areas of his life. I know they would both very much like to see you soon. So, I think it’s time you start making your way back to us now, young man, don’t you?”
_______________
After Chris returned to LA with Buck, Helena and Ramon had initially sent some official looking letters talking about solicitors and legal custody, so it was no surprise that despite his obvious joy at the news about Eddie, Buck’s heart jumped in his chest when he saw a letter with a Texas post mark in his mailbox. His anxiety turned to elation however, once he’d read and digested its contents.
As Eddie’s next of kin, Helena and Ramon had the ultimate say in his medical care. But since the discovery of Eddie’s survival had been revealed, along with the revelation that they had kept it a secret, they’d had to accept that any trust Chris had in them was irrevocably damaged and that he definitely wasn’t going to change his mind about where he wanted to live now. So, they had requested that Eddie be transferred to a specialist medical facility in LA so that he could get the best treatment possible, but also, according to the letter, so that he could be closer to his son.
As Buck reversed the Jeep out of the driveway, he wasn’t sure he could name all the feelings he was experiencing, which appeared to be emanating from somewhere in the pit of his stomach.
Despite the incredible news that Eddie had, against all odds, survived, an awkward silence still hung heavy and unresolved between him and Chris.
It was Chris who broke it first. “Hey Buck? I’m sorry I was such a jerk to you before.”
“No, hey Chris. You’ve got nothing to be sorry about.” Buck replied emphatically “You were right. If anything, I should be the one apologising to you. I understand why you were so angry, and I’m sorry I almost gave up hope. I should have known your dad better than that by now” a grim laugh left his lips. “But this is all so new and weird for us both, and let’s be honest, Eddie is so much better at this parenting stuff than me. God, I’ve missed him so much”.
“Yeah, me too. But I was still a jerk though. I know how hard you’ve been trying. You really have been so awesome and so…” He tailed off looking for the right words before settling on “so, Buck”.
Buck chuckled and the silence lengthened again. But this time it was a lot more comfortable.
“You know” Chris said quietly turning towards Buck after a few minutes “Dad told me about his Will ages ago. He sat me down and asked me if something ever happened to him who I’d want to live with. I chose you too.”
Buck had to concentrate hard on the road ahead, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles and choking back tears before he could response simply with “I Love you kid”.
“I love you too Buck.”
________________

BLIP, BLIP, BLIP
“Hey dad. It’s Chris. I know you can hear me; Athena told me. See, we never gave up. We found you.”
BLIP, BLIP, BLIP.
“I’m doing good. And Buck is doing a great job. I’m glad we chose him. He still snores though”
BLIP, BLIP, BLIP.
“But he’s so wrong about Tommy Dad. He thinks Tommy’s being nice, but he’s not. He’s mean and I know he doesn’t want me there. He just wants Buck all to himself, but Buck can’t see it”.
BLIP, BLIP, BLIP
“You have to tell him dad.”
BLIP, BLIP, BLIP
“I miss you so much. Not like I miss mom, cos I knew you were still here. But Buck and I need you back. It’s not the same without you.”
BLIP, BLIP, BLIP
“It’s just like when Buck was sick after the lightening. I told him to come back, and he did. So now it’s your turn, OK?”
BLIP, BLIP, BLIP
“Please Dad, I know you can hear me. Just open your eyes. Please”
BLIP, BLIP, BLIP
_____________
The call they had been hoping for came from the hospital came a few days later.
By the time Buck and Chris arrived, the rest of the team were already there along with Athena.
“Well, Mr Diaz is clearly a very popular man.” said the Doctor who had just finished checking his chart. “You can go in but make sure you don’t overexert him, he’s still quite fragile.”
“Oh, you clearly don’t know our Eddie, do you?” Said Athena, making everyone laugh.
Upon entering Eddie’s room though the laugher tailed off and slowly died away into sombre silence. Eddie was lying perfectly still on his back in the bed, looking pale, sheets pulled up under his arms with his eyes closed.
“Hey, dad?” Chris ventured, tentatively moving to the head of the bed, tears welling in his eyes. At this Eddie blinked open his eyes, turned his head and immediately reached up to embrace his son, the biggest smile spreading to all four corners of his face, bringing it back to life. He held on to him like he never wanted to let go.
“Dad, you’re squashing me” This forced Eddie to finally release him from the hug, but he continued to hold on to Chris’ shoulders, wiping the tears from his sons face and said, thick with emotion “Hey, it’s OK, I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Chris.”
“I love you too dad”. Chris replied through tears of pure joy.
Then at last Eddie became aware of the others who are crowded in the doorway and at the foot of his bed, beaming, dabbing their eyes and comforting each other.
He acknowledged them all individually before finally turning towards Buck, who’d been hanging back slightly from the rest of the group. “Hey Buck”.
“Hey Eddie”.
“Thank you for taking such good care of Chris for me.”
Buck was blushing, deep crimson patches spreading across his cheeks and up to his ears. He was flustered and looked like he doesn’t know what to say. So, he just spluttered and replied stiltedly “Sure, no problem, anytime.”
After that everyone settled into easy chatter. Eddie wanted to know what had been going on with everyone else whilst he’d been “away”, as he put it.
When the assembled visitors inevitably broke off and started talking amongst themselves, Buck finally plucked up the courage to pull up a chair and began asking Eddie probing questions about what he remembered from his coma dream and whether he was in it. Whilst they were deep in conversation, Tommy sidled up behind Buck and very deliberately placed a hand on his shoulder, stroking it with his thumb. Buck’s train of thought was immediately derailed, and he looked down at the hand then back up at Eddie like he was momentarily conflicted.
Eddie could sense Buck’s unease, so he looked at him, smiled and said gently “Hey Buck, it’s OK. I’m not judging you. I understand you needed people when I wasn’t around. I never want to get in the way of your happiness. If you’re got someone who treats you well, then you’ll always have my friendship and full support.” Buck looked instantly relieved, his shoulders relaxing and opens his mouth to take up where he left off.
But almost immediately after he’d finished speaking to Buck, Eddie turned towards Tommy, a look of pure rage taking over and distorting the soft contours of the face that had been focused on Buck. Tommy dropped his hand from Buck shoulder as if it had been burned and shrank away a few paces.
“But that’s not you, is it Kinard?” Eddie raised his voice, almost spitting the last word of the sentence in Tommy’s face. The chatter in the room came to an abrupt and jarring halt as attention was diverted towards the bed. “You’ve never treated Buck well, have you? You wanted him to give up on me and choose you instead. You thought you could take my place and erase everything about me from his life, including my son.” Tommy took a step forward and opened his mouth, but Eddie was on a furious roll now. He pushed himself up on his elbows and swung his legs around so he could stand up, batting Bobby’s hand off his shoulder after he reached over from the other side of the bed to try and stop him.
“I had to watch from the sidelines when you first got together and saw you chipping away at his self-esteem and confidence day after day. It broke my heart to see it.” He was advancing on Tommy with every word.
There was barely a hairs breath between them now. Like two caged animals, squaring up for a fight, puffing out their chests and sizing each other up. “You almost broke the man I love and I won’t let you do it again.”
Tommy’s eyebrows shoot up and there is an audible gasp from the rest of the assembly at this, and Buck’s eyes, already the size of dinner plates, expanded impossibly larger still.
Just as it looked like it was going to come to blows, an authoritative voice cut through the tension like a blade.
“Enough!” Athena stepped into the fray and parked herself between the two men, a hand on each of their chests like a tiny, yet mighty referee between two heavy weights baying for blood.
“Eddie, I think you’ve made your position perfectly clear” she said in a loud, calm voice whilst shooing away a couple of nurses who had come running in to see what the noise was about. “There’s only one person in this room I think we need to hear from right now”. As she said this she turned away from Tommy, who was so taken aback that his mouth flapped open and shut like a dying fish. And as if as one, all eyes in the room slowly swivelled in Buck’s direction.
The silence felt like it stretched on for an eternity and Buck went beet red again, looking like he was trying to digest the whole of war and peace in his head in one go, eyes flicking wildly between Eddie and Tommy, then Chris, then back to Eddie where they finally come to rest.
“Is that true Eddie?” He said, so quietly it was almost a whisper. “The part about the man you love I mean?”
“Of course it’s true.” Eddie looked like he’d completely forgotten about Tommy now as he closed the gap between them. “I love you, Buck.”
Eddie took Buck’s hands in his, huge grins spreading across both their faces as Buck slowly stood up. They never broke eye contact and were so focused on each other it was like no one else in the room even existed anymore.
If they’d had any attention to spare, they would have noticed Tommy turn and virtually sprint from the room, tail between his legs like a scolded dog.
If they had had eyes for anyone else, they would have seen Chris and Athena grinning at each other whilst exchanging a triumphant high five; or the happy tears streaming down Bobby’s face; or Chimney rolling his eyes as Hen gestured for him to finally pay up.
But instead, Buck breathed though softly parted lips that were now dangerously close to Eddie’s “Well, in that case, I think you should know that I’m only doing this for the cheap rent!”
“Liar.” Came the laughing reply “Well, I’m only doing it for the sex”.
“Dick”.
And with that their lips finally meet. And at last, everything fell into place as Eddie, on his tip toes, twisted his fingers into Buck’s curls and Buck caressed Eddie’s face with one hand whilst passing a thumb gently over the healing scar on his forehead, the other nestled in the small of Eddie’s back pulling him closer still.
“Uck! Dads! Get a room”. The laughter that rippled out from Chris burst their blissful bubble, making Buck and Eddie giggle into each other’s mouths as they finally break apart and both rush Chris at the same time. But Eddie got there first, picking him up and twirling him around, ignoring the twinge of pain in his ribs and the look of concern that crossed Buck’s face.
“Let’s get married and live happily ever after” Eddie said flippantly over the top of Chris’s head, opening his arms towards Buck.
“I thought you’d never ask” Buck replied enveloping them both in a massive bear hug. “Although I recon happily ever after for us will be a lot more interesting than any of those old stories make it out to be.”