Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tommy knows in a very abstract way growing up, that his soulmate could be a guy. That's something that's never talked about in his house. His parents said they were fine with it, as long as it wasn't 'shoved in their faces.' As long as they didn't have to look at it, or see it, or think about it.

"Look, whatever they do is fine. As long as they keep it in their own home, ya know?" His dad had taken a drink of beer and gestured at the new neighbor's house down the block. His said two guys lived there, and Tommy didn't really care. He just wanted to ride his bike, but he'd been stuck here listening to his dad.

"If your soulmate happens to be a guy, you'll reject them won't you Tommy?" He said it forcefully, not really a question at all.

Tommy nodded at him dutifully before he was allowed to play with Chase down the street.

The smudge of what would become his words shows up when he's thirteen, right across his breastbone. No one ever knows what their words are until they're said. Tommy just hopes he ends up with someone cool.

He had inklings through his teenage years that he's not quite like his peers, but he pushed it down. Down, down, down. Those kinds of things weren't welcome in his house, and he knew he'd get the back of his dad's hand worse than ever before if he ever even seemed like he was inclined that way.

He pushed himself into football and basketball, in JROTC, through OTS. He pushed himself, always shoving that part of himself down.

He flew choppers in Iraq. His whole unit didn't come home. He took his mandated therapy on the way out, but didn't go beyond the sessions they made him take.

All through Tommy's life, being gay was something to be ashamed of. Treated as less than. First at home, then in school, then the Army where DADT was still the law. He left and joined the LAFD under Gerard. At that point he had still been barely admitting it, even to himself. He wasn't close to the guys he worked with, and there was no way that he could admit to himself, let alone his racist homophobic teammates.

Then Henrietta Wilson came along. An unapologetically out, proud, black woman, who never let them forget just how good she was. He hated her. He admired her.

His hands still shake when he writes the complaint about his Captain.

It still take him years and all the therapy he should have had before. To be proud of himself and what he's accomplished.

He heads to the 217, glad for the fresh start. It's good, and he makes friends with everyone. He comes to terms with himself even more. He works there for while before he transfers to Harbor Station. Getting back in a helicopter on a regular basis takes mental fortitude he didn't even know he had. He's proud of himself.

He rubs the smudged words on his chest more and more he gets older, wondering where his soulmate is. Wondering if they're thinking of him, if they're close. He wonders what they look like, what they sound like. If they've always been out, or if they're hiding, or even if its someone who hasn't figured themselves out yet.

He eventually comes out to his parents.
They don't approve.

He dates around. Nothing ever pans out.

Experts say that seventy-five percent of soulmate couples speak their words within three months of knowing each other. Twenty-four percent in the three months after that. The last one percent is scattered between one and two years. The words aren't the first thing couples say to each other, its some kind of turning point in the relationship. Something important to both of them.
Tommy has hope. Even when he's nearing forty and no soulmate has turned up.

He's surprised when he gets the call from Chimney about some daring helicopter flight through a tropical storm, because their captain might be in danger. He warns him about Hen, and what she's likely to do. They set everything up, Chimney and his two friends.

He meets Evan "Buck" Buckley and Eddie Diaz when they walk up to the helicoptor in their turnouts, helmets held in hand.

He'd heard about Evan and Eddie from Chim during their infrequent talks over the years. He knew they were the best of friends. He knew Eddie's wife died. He knew Evan was the one stuck under the ladder truck during the horrible ladder truck bombing, and that Eddie had been shot in the line of duty.

He'd heard from the grapevine how insular the 118 was now. How they were all like a family. He ached a little sometimes, because he wanted that. He'd been close to it in the Army, but it had never quite fit.

Still, he owed Henrietta Wilson for the man he was today.

"Let's go hijack a helicopter," Tommy muttered to himself.

* * *
Tommy becomes friends with Eddie Diaz. They practice Muay Thai together and work on cars. Eddie complains about his girlfriend and brags about his kid. He talks some about Buck, and how amazing he is. How he came into his life when he needed him the most, and never asked for anything in return.

Tommy vaguely wishes for someone like that for him. He feels himself rubbing his chest a lot more lately. He yearns.

He meets Eddie's son and hears more about his best friend.

"Buck's the best." He sits down to tell him all about their last trip the interactive science museum. He mentions the tsunami on the pier, and Tommy learns how Evan saves Christopher when they were on the actual pier when the wave hits. The more he learns about Evan, the more he wants to get to know him. He could get his number from Chimney or Eddie. Would it look weird to ask for it? They did meet, and they'd shared that moment on the boat after they'd rescued everyone.

Evan Buckley also had a great smile.

Tommy learns that Eddie doesn't have a soulmate. "I never wanted one," Eddie says with a slight smile on his face. "My own choice has always been more important to me that what fate, or the universe has in store for me."

"You don't believe?"

Eddie shakes his head. "I never said that. I think some people need it. Hell, Buck can talk about it for hours. You know there's some conspiracy theories that it's all the magic that's left in the world? That we used to have magic, but soulmates are all that's left."

Tommy thinks on it for moment before responding. "I've never heard that. But, no one really knows where they come from, right?"

"My parents always said it was a gift from God."

Tommy shrugs. "I'm not really religious. You?"

"Backsliding Catholic." Eddie chuckles as he takes a sip of his beer and sits on his back porch. "I think though, if you want it bad enough, it will come to you."

Tommy rubs his chest, and hopes.

Chapter Text

Evan knew from a young age that his parents didn't care for him. He knows that he wants attention they're just not giving him. He hurts himself, twists himself up in knots trying to get them to care.
They never do.

He has Maddie for a little while. Evan thinks she's the best big sister he could ask for.

She still leaves him. He's not alone, but he feels like it. His days are endless shades of gray.

Maddie's visits for the holidays get shorter and shorter. They fight.

"He's not your soulmate Maddie! He would have said your words by now."

"I don't care, Evan. I'm not going to stand around and wait for someone to say some stupid words. I'm finding my own destiny."

Evan cries when she leaves. He knows Doug is mean. His parents don't like him, but that's not hard. You just have to be too loud, or too colorful or too, too -

Too Evan.

Evan tries harder the more Maddie pulls away. He calls all the time, even takes a bus all by himself down to see her. She's not happy when he shows up on her doorstep at college, but she lets him come in, while she calls their parents.

They never even noticed he was missing.

Maddie sends him home the next morning.

Eventually his smudged words show up on his chest when he's fourteen. He rubs his mark, and he hopes. This is proof that someone will eventually want him.

He goes to school and he does his best. He plays football and he goes on dates with girls. He loses his virginity at sixteen to Ashley Tinsley. He smiles and laughs, but nothing ever seems to fill the void.
He feels like the the universe is screaming at him, that this isn't his place.

He hates the quiet when he gets home. His mom and dad both work long hours. There's always food in the fridge, and he has TV and his friends. There's always someone to hang out with, always a party to go to.

He scrapes by with good enough grades to graduate. Only Maddie comes to his graduation. The spots he reserves for his parents are empty.

He tries college, but it doesn't pan out.

He leaves, and tries to get Maddie to go with him. It doesn't work.

He leaves with his sister's jeep, an envelope full of cash and a broken heart.

Evan travels around. He sees the county, trying out everything he can. He does construction work in Virginia, and ends up in Montana as a ranch hand. He tries out for the SEALs but drops out. The military isn't for him. He felt like he'd be giving up a piece of himself if he continued, and he'd done enough of that in his life.

He makes his way through Mexico and down to Peru. He bartends and parties. He sends his sister postcards even though he never hears anything back.

He ends up in LA at the fire academy. He loves the classes and the work. Evan becomes Buck.

Buck loves being a fire fighter. That empty place inside him doesn't feel so empty at the 118. He feels like he finally found his place. He fucks up a couple times, but he finally gets his head on straight.

Maddie returns, running from her abusive husband. He convinces her to stay, and he feels like he has a piece of himself back.

He makes the best friend he feels like he could ever have. Eddie and Christopher feel like another piece of the puzzle he's been looking for. They feel like family. They feel like the acceptance he's never had.

He still searches. For the missing piece of his soul.

None of his girlfriends ever say his words. He hopes he's not part of the population that has the smudged words indicating a possible bond, but never meets them. He yearns for it, deep down.

He does a deep dive into soulmate theories and history more than once. Learning as much as he can has always been his go to. The words aren't always said at the same time. People's emotions aren't always on the same level. There doesn't seem to be any quantifiable metric to tell when someone will meet their other half. Partners usually say them within the first three months of knowing each other, sometimes at the same time, sometimes weeks apart.

Eddie indulges him when he wants to say his thoughts out loud.

"I just- I feel like I'm ready."

Eddie nods at him from across his kitchen table. They always seem to have all their best talks here. "I can see why you'd want it. Especially after-"

Eddie doesn't finish, but Buck doesn't need him to. After Daniel. After finding out he was just a spare parts baby that didn't serve his purpose. After finding out why his parents didn't want him.
Buck understands why Eddie doesn't want a soulmate. He'd been pushed into marrying Shannon because she was pregnant, lost his career in the military when he helicopter had been shot down. Eddie didn't talk about his parents much, but when he did, controlling was the least of the adjectives Buck would call them.

We are all shaped by our parents in some way. Not all of it good.

"Yeah," Buck gets out, his voice catching. He'd been through the therapy and he knew his parents were never going to be the kind of parents that he wanted, even if they had been there for the lightning strike. He felt like they loved him, but in a distant sort of way. They'd detached themselves from him when he was young, and Buck didn't think there would ever be any way to bridge that gap.

"There's someone out there for you. I know it. I can't wait to watch you fall head over heels and make a fool of yourself."

Buck laughs, because he knows his luck.

"I don't think a death doula was the right choice for you."

Buck groans. "I know, don't remind me. She was just so interesting. And interested. I should have seen it coming."

"Yeah, probably." Eddie huffed. "Don't ever feel bad about putting yourself out there. You've got a lot of love to give, Evan."

Buck felt his face heat and his eyes fill with tears. Eddie was always right about him.

Eddie got up with his empty beer bottle that he'd been peeling the label off of and stopped to drop his hand on Buck's shoulder. "You'll always have us. We're your family."

Buck nodded, his throat to tight to speak. Eddie gave him one final squeeze before heading into the kitchen.

Chapter Text

Buck is nervous as he waits for Tommy to show up. He feels really horrible about messing up his date with him. He's not sure why, but he feels strongly that this relationship with Tommy matters. He doesn't think just because its the first time that he's let himself be attracted to a man. There's just something about Tommy that is drawing him in. He is someone that he wanted to get to know instantly. He should have asked for his number while they were still on the boat, but he'd been so relieved to have Bobby and Athena back, he'd pushed it away.

He looked around nervously, waiting for Tommy to show up. He'd picked a coffee shop that was open and spread out. He'd picked a table that was right in the middle, with the sun shining down on it. He didn't want Tommy to think he wanted to hide him. He wanted to show that he was open to this, even if he had trouble conveying it.

Tommy shows up a minute later and he apologizes even though Tommy doesn't really accept it.

"Still, the way I reacted, it was not my proudest moment."

"Noted."

"So you said before," he clears his throat, "that you don't think I'm ready. And the truth is, I don't know what I'm ready for. But I am ready for something, and I-I think that something, could be with you."

Tommy pauses for a long moment. "You already know that I'm interested."

"Come with me to my sister's wedding."

Tommy laughs, like he's joking, but he's actually really serious. Maddie had already given him the go ahead to bring a date. She'd planned for him to bring Natalia, because she made the seating arrangement while they were still dating, and had just taken her off the guest list and never filled her chair, so she didn't even have to swap people around. She'd teased him when he'd asked her, but said she'd put his name down if Tommy accepted.

"What?"

"I want you to be my date to my sister's wedding."

"Evan."

Buck can't help but smile a little at the way Tommy says his name. He'd always hated the way it had been spoken by his parents before and he'd been happy to shed the name when he'd joined the fire academy.

"Look you already know half the people that are going to be there," Buck says. "There's gonna be free food and-and I need someone to dance with."

Tommy stays silent for moment. "Okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Buck can't help the giant smile that crosses his face, and he puts his hand on top of the one Tommy left on the table, not even caring this time if anyone is looking at them. Tommy puts his other hand on top of his.

"So do you have anything going on after this?"

"Not until tomorrow."

"Would you want to go get some food? I could buy you a coffee that you'll actually drink."

"I'd like that Evan."

Buck can't help the blush that creeps up his face. He really likes it when Tommy says his name.

"Did you want me to call you Buck instead of Evan?"

"No! No, I-I like it when you call me Evan." He really does. The way Tommy says it with affection, makes him feel all warm inside.

He stood up, Tommy following him. "There's a little diner around the corner that has really good waffles, if you're up for breakfast."

They walk the short distance to the diner in silence, and Buck tries not to let it get to him. He'd been working on being okay with silence. Every silence doesn't have to be filled with talk. He can just be okay with existing in someone else's space. He doesn't have to entertain them. He repeated those things to himself, as they were seated and given menus.

The waitress comes back and takes their orders, and Tommy breaks the silence. "So how did you get 'Buck' as a nickname?"

"There were three Evan's at the academy. So they started calling me Buckley, and that eventually got shortened to Buck."

Historically, he hadn't really liked himself much when he'd been going by Evan. The traveling part had been nice, and he didn't think he'd ever give up those experiences. He'd been so unmoored and listless. He'd felt like he'd shed that when he'd finally found his place at the 118 and in his brain, Evan had been connected to a part of his life he wanted to forget. Tommy made him feel like he could be Evan again. Like the two sides of himself could merge somehow and be the same person. He didn't need to go through an upgrade to be his authentic self. He was just was.

They traded questions back and forth Do you have any siblings? and How many jobs have you had Evan?

Buck smiled because this was the type of conversation he wanted to have. They traded stories over waffles and coffee, and tried to skirt around the issues they weren't ready to discuss. He could tell when someone was deflecting away, because he had to do it too. He wasn't ready to air his family's dirty laundry about his dead brother and him being a savior baby. It was a little to soon in the relationship to be dumping that kind of trauma on him. He shared the highs of his travels, about how he'd drove his sister's Jeep all over the country then down through Mexico and Peru.

They stayed long past it was time for them to leave, after the waitress had cleared away their plates and refilled their coffees more than once.

"Evan, the waitress is giving us the stink eye. I think we should probably get out of here."

Buck feels himself heave out a sigh of disappointment, but they have been there for a couple hours now, and they had been hoarding the table.

He nods at him. Buck pays quickly up at the front, making sure to leave a hefty tip and Tommy meets him outside.

"I can walk you back to your car?"

Tommy smiles at him, and Buck can't help but be slightly mesmerized by the crinkles at the corners of his eyes. "I'd like that Evan."

He walks him back in silence and when their fingers brush as they're walking he takes Tommy's hand in his. He can feel his face flush and he ducks his head. "Is-is this okay?"

Tommy is smiling at him. "You're adorable. Yes, its okay."

His hand felt warm in Buck's and he hoped his palm wasn't sweaty. He tried his best not to overthink it as he they walked to where Tommy parked. His Jeep wasn't far from here.

"This is me."

Buck turned to face him. He really wanted to kiss Tommy again, and he knew he would have to be the one to initiate something. He slowly leaned in, giving Tommy time to move away, but he didn't. He angled his head correctly so their lips met.

Buck felt the jolt of pure want go through him, but he kept the kiss chaste, no matter how much he wanted to go further. He stepped back a little, and he knew his face was flushed again. He couldn't help but stare at Tommy's lips for a second, just like he had after their first kiss.

"I'd-I'd like to do this again. Um, before the wedding."

"I'd like that too. We have a couple of weeks, right?"

Buck nods at him. "Text me your schedule? And we can figure out when to meet up?"

"I'd like that." Tommy reaches up and grabs his chin again, pulling him in for another kiss. It's soft and sweet enough to make him ache for more.

He steps back, finally letting go of Tommy's hand. They say a their good-bye's and he finally gets in his car. Buck heads over to his Jeep a smile on his face. He waves to Tommy as he pulls out.

He really isn't sure what he's ready for. But he has hope.
* * *
Tommy pulls into the driveway of his house on autopilot. He'd been numb as he drove all the way to his house, but he finally let it out as he pulled down the top of his shirt to see the words that solidified during his meeting with Buck.

The truth is, I don't know what I'm ready for. But I am ready for something. And I-I think maybe, that something could be with you.

He was so fucked.

Chapter Text

He wasn't sure why he didn't say anything, except this was all so new to Evan. He didn't have any type of experience with men, and he really didn't want to pressure him. Soulmates were a lot of damn pressure.

Tommy hadn't expected the words. Before this, he and Evan hadn't known each other very long, and what they did know, had been fraught with jealousy. He'd been so surprised when Evan had said he'd been trying to get Tommy's attention. He'd had to shift a little, when he realized that Evan was actually flirting with him. He'd been so damn cute after he'd kissed him for the first time.

He'd been hoping for a long time that he would eventually meet his soulmate, but he didn't expect it. He'd been on a research binge since he'd gotten home the day before, trying to find out as much about soulmates as he could. The need to be near Evan all the time was overwhelming. They'd been texting back and forth since yesterday. He'd sent his schedule over and they were planning another date for the day after tomorrow.

He honestly couldn't wait to see Evan's face.

Tommy walked into Harbor Station, anxious and ready for the day to be over with before it even started. He didn't want to admit, to anyone, that he'd already looked at the schedule to see if anyone would be willing to permanently switch with him so he had days off that aligned with Evan's. He couldn't do it yet because, that would be a little creepy if Evan found out, since he didn't know about the soulmate situation yet.

"Hey Kinard!"

Tommy groaned under his breath as Lucy Donato came jogging up from the other side of the station. She was usually on B shift, instead of C, but she had been covering for a Johansen's vacation for a couple weeks. He actually liked working with her usually, but she had an uncanny ability to sniff out his bullshit. Also, she was probably the closest thing he had to a friend at work.

"How'd that date go?"

Tommy forgot he told her he'd had a date. He hadn't told her who it was with, just that he'd had a date he was excited about.

Tommy groaned as he went to put his things up in his locker. "It was - interesting."

Her eyebrows practically flew into her hairline. "Interesting?"

"It went well for a little while. We ate, we talked. He seemed really nervous. Then he told me I was his first 'date with a dude.' I remember what it was like though. Then his friend showed up."

Lucy groaned. "That doesn't sound like it went well."

"No, it did not." Tommy closed his locker. "He wasn't ready, so I cut the date short. It was probably a dick move, because I kind of left him there, but I just couldn't."

Lucy put her hand on his arm. "You have to watch out for yourself as well, Tommy."

"I know, but he did call and ask to meet for coffee." Speaking of coffee, Tommy definitely needed as large a cup as he could manage. They headed into their small kitchen area where there was a pot already brewing. He pulled out two of the coffee cups out and set them down. He knew Lucy would want a cup as well.

"So did coffee go well?"

"Uh, yeah." Tommy took a deep breath and looked around. There wasn't anyone around them, and he definitely needed to tell someone. The only other person he thought he could talk to about this was Eddie, and he wasn't sure that would go well. "He said my words."

Lucy's mouth dropped open for a minute before she closed it with an audible clacking sound. "Damn, Tommy. What did he say?"

"I didn't tell him."

"You didn't tell him?" Her screech could probably be heard all the way across the city.

"Lower your voice. No, I didn't tell him. Did you miss the part where I was his first date with a guy? I don't want to pressure him."

"There's not pressuring someone, and then there's keeping pertinent information to yourself Kinard! Are you planning on telling him?"

"Yeah, I kind of haven't figured that out yet."

Lucy rolled her eyes at him and went to grab the pot of coffee before it was done percolating all the way. "Are you just waiting until you say his?"

"Is that such a bad idea?" He grabbed the sugar and stirred in just a little before taking his first sip of the cup Lucy poured him.

Lucy huffed. "When are you going to see him again?"

"We have a day date planned for the day after tomorrow. I might tell him then? I'm not sure. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it."

Lucy smiled at him. "This is actually a happy occasion you know. You met your actual soulmate."

Tommy smiled, because damn he had. His soulmate was Evan Buckley, adorable golden retriever. He'd get to be Evan's first and his last 'date with a dude.' He hoped at least.

"There's the smile."

Tommy's phone pinged and he couldn't help but blush because he knew it was Evan.

Did you know that octopuses have three hearts?

Tommy's smile got wider. He loved Evan's little facts he liked to share. He'd been sending him things since yesterday, and they'd even had a discussion about helicopters and what kind he'd actually flown them in.

New research?

Yes! I saw this documentary. Octopus are really smart too. There have been stories about octopus in aquariums sneaking out of their tanks to steal food and then sneaking back in before they're caught.

I sense another aquarium visit for you and Christopher.

Lucy poked him with her elbow, a smirk on her face. "Is that him?"

"Yeah he does these research binges and he loves to share random facts."

Lucy laughed at him. "You are smitten Kinard."

He smiled, because yeah he definitely was.

* * *

Tommy made it through his shift, and his first day off, texting back and forth with Evan. They both had hours in between texts, sometimes taken up by calls or sleeping or chores. He was so ready to see him again. The text and a few calls hadn't been enough, but it had been nice to just talk, and get to know him.

Tommy wasn't able to contain the giddy feeling in his chest at seeing Evan again. He was picking him up at his loft, and they were going to spend the whole day together. Evan had planned everything, and Tommy was just along for the ride.

He had been looking forward to this day with eager anticipation, and he'd even texted Lucy to help him choose between two shirts. She'd helped him, but then absolutely roasted him. He still hadn't told her who his soulmate was. He wasn't sure Evan wanted to be outed yet. Evan had said that he'd told Eddie, and his sister, and that was enough for now.

He knocked on Evan's door, and it was opened a minute later.

Evan smiled wide at him as he opened the door. Tommy felt like Evan was literal sunshine personified.

"Hey Tommy," he said softly.

"Evan." He stepped inside as the door was closed behind him. He couldn't help but lean in for a soft kiss, Evan seeming all to happy to oblige him.

Tommy pulled back with a smile on his face. "So are you going to tell me what we're doing today?"

"Well, how do you feel about horses?"

"Horses?" Tommy had never once in his life ever been around a horse.

"Yeah, I figure I could actually teach you something." Evan smiled at him, a touch cocky.

"You know how to ride a horse?"

"Yeah, I did say that I worked on a ranch for a few months, right?"

Evan had said that. "You did."

"Well there's this ranch a little ways outside of the city. I took Christopher there once because they have a program for children with special needs, but they also have a space for adults to get horses as well."

Tommy wasn't sure how he felt about riding a horse, but Evan looked really excited, and he couldn't help but smile back at him.

"All right. What time?"

"It's not until this afternoon, so we can grab some food."

"After you then."

* * *

Tommy made it through the entire date with Evan acting incredibly sweet. They'd had a long brunch at a cafe Evan knew, and then horseback riding. He had never in his life been around horses, but Evan had been calmly confident through the whole thing, showing him everything he needed to know about riding a horse for the first time.

This cool, confident side of Evan was something he hadn't really seen since he'd kissed him. Shy, sweet, stumbling over his words Evan, who was incredibly adorable, was all he'd seen; but this side of Evan was - sexy. He'd seen it some when they'd went to rescue Captain Nash and his wife, when he was doing his job. This afternoon showed him a larger picture of who Evan was, and he was so glad to see he was getting more comfortable around him.

Evan had suggested a movie at his place, so they'd went to the loft. Evan had offered to let him borrow clothes and they'd both taken turns in his shower. They hadn't even gotten the movie started when Evan's phone had rang.

"It's my mom, I better take this." He'd run up to my his loft before answering the phone.

After a few minutes, Tommy could hear Evan's voice, slightly raised and strained. He was going to give it another minute before he went to check on him. He was just getting up when he heard footsteps on the stairs coming down. His face was slightly flushed and there was a crushed look on his face.

"Evan. What happened?"

"I - uh, told my parents. About bringing you to the wedding as-as my date."

Tommy didn't say anything, merely went to him and pulled him into his arms. "You didn't have to do that, Evan. You could have just introduced me as your friend. We haven't been seeing each other that long."

"I-I know. But I really want that dance." Evan looked up at him from beneath his lashes. "I told Maddie and Eddie, which was the hard part. I thought it would be good to tell them before the wedding, so there wasn't any surprises on the day." He blew a breath out. "They said I was just confused, and was trying to make Maddie's big day all about me."

Tommy scowled. "That's bullshit."

Evan chuckled. "That's how they see me though. A disappointment."

"You're not." Tommy pulls him close again. "I don't know the whole story about what happened while you were growing up. You can tell me the story when you're ready."

Tommy slowly guided them both over to the couch, sat them down and then pulled Evan against him. He just melted, taking comfort in their closeness, and Tommy couldn't help but feel touched that Evan trusted him like this so soon. Evan might be his soulmate, but he didn't know it yet.

Evan started talking. "I always thought that maybe I was a surprise baby, that they had only wanted Maddie, and I came along by accident. I mean, there's quite a few years between us for siblings."

Tommy nodded and started rubbing his hand up and down Evan's back. He wouldn't be the first child to be resented by their parents because they didn't want them.

"It wasn't just that," he continued. "I was planned. Very meticulously."

Tommy could feel the confusion weighing him down. "Wait. What are you saying?"

"I had an older brother. His name was Daniel, and he had leukemia. I was a savior baby. Ex-except I didn't save him. I'm pretty sure my parents blamed me for not saving him. So they ignored me, and when they didn't, they always sounded so disappointed in me."

"I can't imagine what they went through to have an entire baby to save their child. That doesn't excuse how they treated you." He put his hand under Evan's chin to pull his head up until he could look him in the eyes. "I can see that you're special, Evan. You're special to everyone around you, and you're special to me. You matter."

Evan's eyes filled with tears before he flinched, and then froze, his eyes going wide.

He sat up abruptly and pulled the collar of his shirt down, where words, Tommy's words, sat, right above his heart.

"Evan."

He stared at Tommy, his eyes still shock-wide. "We-we haven't even known each other that long."

Tommy sat up a little as well, and also pulled the collar of his shirt down, where his words sat. Evan reached out, his fingers grazing across the words. "I guess it doesn't take much for the two of us."

"You didn't say anything."

Tommy reached up and grabbed his hand, pressing it against the words. "I knew we'd get here, Evan. I didn't want to pressure you if it didn't happen right away."

Evan was suddenly surging forward, clumsily pressing his lips against his. Tommy gladly reciprocated, getting lost in the moment. Evan pulled back after a minute, only to climb into Tommy's lap. His hands snaked under the borrowed shirt, and started mapping out the planes of his chest and stomach. He continued kissing him, sometimes going down the side of his jaw, or his neck, only to return to his lips.

Evan pulled back again, his lips red from kisses. "Do you want to take this upstairs?"

Tommy looked at his face for minute, not seeing any doubt, but he had to ask. "Are you sure?"

"Definitely." He ground down against him for a minute, putting his position to good use. Tommy couldn't help the groan that came out, and he caught sight of the smirk on Evan's face.

Evan stood up, and Tommy went along behind him. They lost clothes along the way, and finally made it to the bed. They got lost in each other for what felt like hours, exploring with hands and mouths with a shyness and boldness that made Tommy's blood run hot.

Afterwards, when they were sweaty and sated, Evan lay his head against his chest again, fingertips dancing along the words on Tommy's chest. "I never thought I'd get to have this."

Tommy ran his fingers through Evan's hair, where it had curled after his shower earlier. "I didn't either. I hoped, though."