Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first beautiful art that Endingsnotthestory made

Isak was locked in the room again, trying to read an article on mental illness while his mother shouted passages from the Bible to him. "How can God be so merciless?" That's what he kept asking himself. It seemed like each passing day his mother got worse.

He had to leave the apartment he shared with two other students to take care of her since his father got a mistress – and explained that he had to enjoy life, it was his turn now! – and ran away from their house to build a new family, one that was not as fucked up as the previous one.

The days grew longer and longer, and his mother's words became increasingly hurtful. All Isak dreamed of was to have some physical space between them. He longed for the day that he would open the door of the house with a backpack on his back, a giant smile on his face, and just walk forward. Maybe he would meet a boy, maybe he would go back to college, but more importantly, he would be out of that house.

Because of his mother, Isak couldn’t leave the house, he didn't study anymore, and he didn’t even see his friends. He spent the whole day in alert mode, waiting for the next drama, the next bad thing to happen, and he knew he didn't even have to wait long. He hadn’t had a week of peace in those 10 months since he returned home.

At first, his mother said that she would purify the house, remove the negative energies. She went online and bought every possible cleaning product. She climbed into the cabinets and scrubbed those strong products into everything until it started to corrode the skin on her hand. Isak had bandaged it for his mother and then decided to buy some gloves for her at the market on the next street.

Within that five-minute walk, his mother managed to pour alcohol on the furniture, her bandages soaked, and had a lighter in her hand, ready to set everything on fire. Isak realized that leaving her alone, even for just a few minutes, wasn’t a possibility anymore. This time nothing happened, but what if – what if he didn’t return fast enough, what if he didn’t see what she was doing, what if… No, Isak would have to stay put and look after her.

Nothing lasts forever, not good things nor horrible ones; those too shall pass. It only would take some time. And then it happened. After almost a month of constant cleaning, his mom just stopped. Isak put away the products scattered around the house and saw a light at the end of the tunnel.

However, he should have guessed that things would not be that easy, not for Isak, not in this universe.

One day, he woke from his two-hour sleep with the doorbell ringing and went to answer it before the noise made his mother run to the door and out the house. It was the post office with a very heavy box. His mother had bought books on esoterics and spirituality. She discovered she could buy anything on the internet, and since his father still paid for their credit cards, the sky was the limit.

Some of the books were bought to be burned; for those, his mother explained they were the devil's books, while the others she read and reread, “the true words of God.” She told Isak that God listened to everything we thought and that was the reason that we needed to police our brains and never think anything impure or sinful.

So, Isak’s routine changed a little bit. He spent his days putting out fires – sometimes real ones – and talking to his mother. Or rather, he listened to her complain that people didn’t trust God anymore and that was why the world was in chaos, why people divorced or were homosexual.

“But God has a plan for all of us, my son. And the sinners will pay. If someone was born gay it is because they will suffer in this life until they accept Jesus Christ in their heart and have a life of celibacy.”

Sometimes Isak focused on the fact that his mother knew people were born gay or straight or whatever, but most nights he just cried wondering if that would be his punishment for kissing Jonas the day before he locked himself in this house.

In the fourth month, a sewing machine appeared in their home. His mother was undoing some fabric to mend and create pillowcases for the poor; she had called her church, and they would come every 15 days to get them. Isak was actually very happy, that his mother had found a healthy activity and seemed to be pleased with her services.

She patched the old pillowcases, and after that, some sheets were cut in half to make new ones. She then found clothes from when Isak was a baby. When she started rummaging through her and her son's wardrobes, Isak thought it was better to hide his favourite T-shirts; of the old ones, only three were saved.

As long as she was reading or sewing everything was fine. Isak kept researching mental illness, trying to understand what was happening to his mother. He even called some psychologists, but everyone said that because she was legally competent they couldn’t put her in a psychological ward or do anything without her consent.

She sewed, read books, burnt some of them, and found a kind of calm. This made Isak’s heart feel lighter. Maybe after a couple of months, everything would be fine, or so he wished with all of his heart.

The sixth month started with his mother slipping down the stairs.

Isak didn’t know how it actually happened, he just heard the noise. As scared as he was, at least, Isak thought, now she would have to go to the doctor, and then someone would realize that she wasn’t well. Instead, her friend from church came to pray. His mother had called her because she was sure the house was cursed and that was the reason for the accident.

When he was going to the kitchen, he heard his mother saying that she tried to hold Isak, but he fell down the stairs before she could help her son. He didn’t know if she was lying or if her brain had really made up a new reality.

“We are moving. Terje is looking for a house without stairs. It is better for Isak. If something happens to him, I wouldn’t know what I’d do. And it’s good for me too, I’m getting old, I won’t live forever. I have to leave Isak well settled before I die,” she said.

“Marianne, you’re still young, stop saying those things” her friend replied.

“I'm just a servant of God, and when the time comes, I’ll go to his arms, but I need to provide for my son. You know that he doesn't know how to do anything.”

Imagining that he would live in that reality forever made him feel bad for several reasons, but the worst thing was that his final thought was how badly he wanted to be away from his mother. There was always that gigantic guilt to finally knock him down.

In the ninth month, his mother started cooking, burned some food and towels, and her arm. She would put a lot of salt and oil in other experiments, but at least she was having fun. She made lunches in the afternoon for her friends, and Isak wondered if none of them realized that his mother was crazy.

However, during the time he had for rest, Isak decided to create a fake Twitter account to talk to someone, with anyone.

Escobar @_garfunkel · 21:14

So, I’m here, somebody, please

come and give me some company

while I survive my personal hell?

George Costanza @artvandelay · 7 min

Replying to @_ garfunkel

 Hi

But to be honest, Isak hadn’t expected someone would answer him.

Chapter Text

Isak spent some time just watching that tweet. He expected someone would come and talk to him, of course, but he didn't think it would be that fast. He had created the Twitter account that day, and found some people who posted about similar things as him; then that profile appeared, followed him, and answered his cry for help.

With some courage, he stalked that person and found out they posted about songs, movies, and some very sad drawings. Something about those drawings seemed like the person knew as much about despair as Isak, and it made him feel that they would understand him – at least a little, at least for a while.

Escobar @_garfunkel · 21:14

So, I’m here, somebody, please

come and give me some company

while I survive my personal hell?

George Costanza @artvandelay · 7 min

Replying to @_ garfunkel

  Hi

Escobar @_garfunkel · 10. min

Replying to @artvanderlay

Hey

George Costanza @artvandelay · 1 min

Replying to @_ garfunkel

Is everything ok there?

How could Isak answer that? The first thing he thought was “NO, IT'S NOT OK! COME AND RESCUE ME!” But he knew that nobody rescued anybody in real life. No one would save him, not even himself.

Since Isak was a teenager, he thought that all the traumas that a heart held could be healed with love, and so he waited and wished that somebody, in the future, would come and love him until his heart was full again. He would find someone, a person more than special, and that person would love him so much that his nightmares would fear him and simply go away.

But as Isak grew older and life kept tripping him up, he understood that, okay, maybe some people are healed with love, but not him. So, after everything that happened as things kept getting worse, he gave up on love. Love was something special given to normal people, people who weren’t like him. For him, what would be left would be more than he deserved. Isak knew that his heart only served to pump blood, and nothing more.

He didn’t respond to the person on Twitter but then felt stupid for asking someone to come talk to him, just for him to run away. But Isak didn’t run away; he just stared at those words: “Is everything ok there?”

Isak did the only thing he could think of – he put even more walls around himself. He felt claustrophobic inside his head; he couldn't walk away or see better days. It was a closed room, which he wouldn't be leaving anytime soon.

There was a light outside that room which he saw every time he read “Is everything ok there?” But it was dim, and Isak was tired of trying to run without leaving the same place.

In this ninth month of the nightmare, it was already 2:00 in the morning and his mother slept. Isak found himself returning to that person's profile. He kept looking for the whole month; he liked to imagine that person’s life, what they were doing, if they studied or worked, and especially what their life in the outside world was like. He kept telling himself he was just going to look, that was all.

Isak liked to go back and examine the drawings, especially one in particular of the universe and stars. That night, something bigger inside himself made him write, "Do you believe in parallel universes?" He didn’t know what caused this; maybe he’d been locked up at home talking to monsters for so long that his head left him needy for other types of conversation. Isak waited two minutes and then deleted the comment, because as needy as his head made him, it also created images of this person laughing at the question.

George Constanza

@artvanderlay

Halla

Hi

Tell me more about parallel universes

Ah, did you see the comment? 😳

Ofc! Do you think I would miss a comment at 2 am?

I need somebody to talk to me until the sun comes up

So, what is your opinion about parallel universes?

Well, I think too much about the possibility of another Isak existing somewhere,

doing things almost identical to me

Isak? 🤔

It took Isak a few seconds to remember that his name on Twitter was Escobar. He did it to make sure no one would know who he was, and on his first chance, he blew it. But Isak already felt that this person knew who he was and everything wrong that had happened to him.

George Constanza

@artvanderlay

Hmmmmm

yeah, that's my name

Hi, Isak!

My name is Even

So, you aren't George Costanza from the Seinfeld series???

I think I'm going to have to stop following you now, goodbye.

HAHAHAHAAHHA 😝

It wasn't my intention to trick you hahahahah

George is my alter ego

When I'm lost, I think WWGCD?

🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

What would George Constanza do?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

But, then you do it?

You should have chosen Kramer

he, at least, enjoys life

George only lies and feels anxiety about everything

Maybe he and I have a lot of things in common   🤷🏼🤷🏼🤷🏼

I'm loving all of your knowledge of a 90' show, btw

We cannot live without knowing the classics, Mr. Art Vanderlay  

After nine months in that house, talking to Even was like breathing new air; his body filling with something new, he wasn’t sure what it was – but he was happy. His brain was focusing on something that wasn’t his mother, or the church, or God. Isak had made a new friend; maybe it was a little early to say that for sure, but he was talking to someone, and that was good enough. Beggars can’t be choosers.

The two finally drifted off to sleep around 4:00 am. Even had said he had classes at college, and Isak realized he no longer even knew what day of the week it was, they all blended together. He lay in bed after saying goodbye and wondered what Even was like, what he studied, what his routine was in the outside world.

As much as they had talked, both kept the subject as light as possible, talking about different TV series and movies. Isak discovered that Even was passionate about romantic films and watched Romeo and Juliet once a month. Without wanting to impose any kind of stereotype, he wished that Even was gay – but then thought that it wouldn't matter, because he would still be stuck at home, not knowing when this whole situation would end. And even if Even was gay, he wouldn't be interested in Isak.

He was laying down when he felt the first tears falling. It had been a good night, better than the others, but Isak still wasn’t lucky enough to sleep without crying. Maybe in the tenth month.

Isak woke up at 8:00 am the next morning; he must have been asleep at least three hours. When the smell of smoke reached his room, he was sure that his mother had burned the whole house and ran out to see what had happened.

Luckily, it was just the kitchen.

His mother had tried to make eggs for their neighbor. She was embarrassed that the neighbor never said ‘hi’ to her when they passed in front of her house, and wanted to put a stop to it. She thought that it was a good idea to cook enough eggs to last the whole month since they looked poor and probably didn’t have money for food. But between one egg and another, she forgot about the task and went to watch TV.

Of all that Isak had been through, throwing 15 burnt eggs away was easy.

He stayed at the computer while his mother watched TV, and waited for the miracle of Even to show up at that time to talk to him. He even posted something new to see if it would get his attention, but nothing happened. Isak had no choice but to remain present in his nightmare.

A few days passed, and the ninth month was ending. Isak posted some jokes on his Twitter, and found two new friends besides Even; they talked to him about FIFA and 9gag memes. Of course, he preferred to talk to Even, but Even had college every morning except Friday, and seminars Wednesday and Thursday afternoons; Even didn’t seem to go out much on the weekends, and yes, okay, Isak knew his entire schedule!

After a while, he saw some patterns in the times Even was or wasn’t on the internet, but it wasn't creepy! It was just that Isak would prefer to be online when Even was, especially because he seemed to be the only sane person in his life.

Isak didn’t want to think about his feelings, because he knew that talking to someone on the internet was the most volatile thing ever. The term “ghosting” existed because people just didn’t care enough to show up and say that they weren’t interested in someone anymore.

But in those times when Even was online, so was Isak, just in case.

Chapter Text

Isak talked to Even most nights. He had already given up trying to sleep since the fourth month, and now, in the tenth, he knew it wouldn't make any difference. Having Even's company, however, made him happy.

The two of them talked about theories of parallel universes, and about the romantic films Even watched. Isak even tried to tell him about football, but Even said he didn't understand anything about it and that the greatest sport was swimming, which he practiced many years ago.

Even and Isak shared memes, commented on each other's posts, and marked themselves in various publications. Isak was happy, his virtual life was wonderful, and he was having fun. He felt – even if it wasn't entirely true – as if everything was good and normal.

In one of the conversations, he even felt brave enough to ask Even what his course was in college. Even said that he loved to draw; he was attending all possible classes so that he could improve in that area. He thought about making comics and trying to make money from it; he had several ideas in his head about things he was interested in telling. Even also wanted to take cinema and directing classes, but that meant that he had to focus all his time and would end up not being able to draw.

Before Isak could ask to see a drawing, his most feared question came up, and for some reason, he hadn't thought Even could ask him that.

“And you? What do you do?”

There, now was the time when it was all going to end. How was he going to keep the farce that everything was fine and normal if he told Even that he lived with his crazy mother, that they were both trapped under the same roof, each fighting their own personal hell?

Even wouldn't want to continue talking to him if he knew. Who could handle a person as troubled as Isak? Who would give him a second of their day if they knew what was really going on inside his house?

Isak didn't want to tell the truth, but he also wasn’t keen on lying.

“I'm studying things on my own. I found some online courses on biology and I'm doing those.”

Maybe it was a bit of a lie, but it wouldn't be when he actually started his courses. Still, it was very likely that Isak wouldn’t be able to use what he learned anywhere, because the more time he spent at home, the more he was sure that he would live forever in that house with his mother.

However, he couldn't do anything else now that he had told Even he was studying biology.

Even found that super interesting and wanted to know more about it, but as it was late, he had to go to sleep. He made Isak promise to tell him everything the next day, and Isak promised, of course. There was nothing that Even said that Isak would not accept on the spot.

That night, Isak looked for courses, which made him remember the past when he was in college. He had only managed to finish the first year, stopping two months after the second year started. He had stopped going to college when he came to his mother's house.

Isak remembered how giving up on his dreams hurt. He didn't think, of course, that it would be forever, but after a while, he realized it was better to leave it behind instead of trying to revive it just to plummet again each time his mom did something that made it clear going to college and having a normal life would be impossible.

Isak also thought, while looking for something interesting to study, about his last week in the outside world – how he knew what was coming, but never could have imagined it would be as difficult as it was. He remembered the last time he went to eat kebab with Jonas and thought that he should tell the truth, that he should say that he was gay and in love with his best friend.

Jonas and Isak were always best friends. Jonas took care of Isak; he always worried about him when his mother shouted at him too much or when his father left the house and returned two days later at night. Jonas had always been by his side, so Isak thought that if he knew, maybe he would accept Isak and continue to take care of him and his mother.

"But no one is going to save me, no one would really care,” Isak thought, shaking his head as he remembered how naive he’d been to think that Jonas would be the prince who would make his troubles disappear.

After a while, he found a free course that looked interesting. Isak signed up and was going to start watching the first class when he realized it was already morning; his mother had woken up.

He followed her into the kitchen, and she made coffee for the two of them. They then sat down to drink.

Everything seemed normal, but by that tenth month, Isak already knew that normal didn't exist anymore. So, he just waited for things to go wrong. She finished drinking coffee, put it all in the sink, rubbed her son's head, and went up to her room again. After Isak washed the cups, he went after her, finding that silence very suspicious.

 She was lying on the bed with her eyes open looking at nothing.

“Mom, are you okay?”

“Of course, my son. Jesus spoke to me today in my dreams, and He said that today would be the last day of my life. I'm just waiting for Him to take me.”

Isak was tired, sleepy, and very sad. All these things that his mother said hurt him more and more. He didn't know how to solve it, or what to say; he was always extremely sad about everything.

So, this time, Isak just laid down beside her and held her hand. He looked at the ceiling and hoped that God would take them both to a better and easier place, a place where he could, at last, rest for a while.

But nothing happened.

Chapter Text

Isak was locked in his room again, trying to read an article on mental illness while his mother shouted passages from the Bible to him. "How can God be so merciless?" That's what he kept asking himself.

After that day that he’d laid in bed with his mother waiting for death to come, Isak tried harder to find a way out of that situation – or at least, not to get carried away with his mother. The two of them couldn't go crazy together.

He created a little routine for himself: in the morning he would study biology and read articles about mental illness, in the afternoon he would exercise at home and take a nap afterward, and at night he would talk to Even and his other friends on the internet – but mainly Even.

The best idea Isak had inside this house was to have a routine. Now, he was locked up, miserable, and didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. But still, he woke up at 8 a.m., studied something new and cool, exercised his body, talked to Even about everything and nothing – and with that routine, he could pretend that everything was fine. His first week as new Isak with a schedule was going great. But of course, he still had to look after his mother, clean the house, and run from flying books.

George Constanza

@artvanderlay

And then, tell me more about your course.

Even asked the next week, and Isak was delighted to have found something to be able to speak truthfully about to Even.

George Constanza

@artvanderlay

It is something very basic, actually

 but I thought it would be a good idea to have a good basis on the subject

 because when I become a doctor it’ll make a difference.

So, do you mean that you're going to be Doctor Isak in a few years?

Yeah, that was the plan. He spent the entirety of high school striving to be a doctor, but now ... Well, now Isak just wanted to be distracted.

George Constanza

@artvanderlay

That's the plan, but I don't know.

We never know about the future, right?

I'm sure you'll be a great doctor, Isak.

How can you be sure?

What if I'm the worst type?

the one who doesn't read the chart

 and gives a vasectomy instead of taking an appendix?

Isak replied, trying to be funny and change the subject.

He never liked to talk much about himself, but now talking about being a doctor in the future seemed very close to a lie, and he didn't want his friendship with Even to be like that.

George Constanza

@artvanderlay

I doubt you would do that

you are very careful.

Am I?????

I think you're mistaking me for Escobar.

You always listen to me

and want to know about everything that is happening in my life

those are great features for doctors. Believe me, I know.

Maybe I'm just a gossiper

 have you thought about that?

Maybe, but I don't think so

I think you care about others.

Isak wasn’t expecting that. He never thought of himself as a caring person; his head just said ugly things about himself. No, he was not caring; he must have done or said something that fooled Even.

“I don't know, I'm going to sleep now, Even. I'm really tired. Good night.”

Isak turned off the computer before seeing Even's response. He was startled by everything that had happened and wanted to run as far away as possible.

"Of course, I managed to deceive the person with the most beautiful heart that exists. I’m the only one who could do something like that." Isak thought as he laid in bed looking at the ceiling, "I don't deserve someone like him and the best thing I could do is let him go."

That night, Isak stayed up until the alarm went off. He didn’t sleep. He couldn’t look at the computer, so he just got up and made breakfast for himself and his mother. Sometimes he wondered if he was becoming more like his mother with each passing day, if one day he would be as crazy as she was, washing the house to take away the scattered sins.

He sat down on the couch with the hot coffee in his hands; it was good to feel something, even if it was starting to burn his fingers. A few minutes later, his mother came, took a cup of coffee, and turned on the television. While she prayed, Isak thought.

The light at the end of the tunnel.

Isak started to think about this expression some time ago. Maybe the light is not the end of a bad situation, but instead, a fucking train running over you. Every time he saw something, a glimpse of a possibility, a little match getting lit, he used all his willpower to function just for a while longer, just until the end came.

With Even, the same thing happened. Okay, maybe Even wasn’t gay or into Isak, but he was there, he was a sort of friend, and that gave hope to Isak, gave a will to continue, for one more day, one more hour, one more minute.

He didn’t think about the possibility that he was using Even, that he was so extremely narcissistic and egocentric that the only use he had for Even was to make himself happy. And in the middle of all of it, he lied to Even; he pretended to be someone better, someone that Even would be proud to be friends with.

That wasn’t fair, so the only dignified thing Isak could do for Even was to walk away – not literally of course, but he wished he could really walk away from all of it. He unplugged the computer and put it inside the closet, kind of symbolic as if he could be more inside the closet than he already was.

Isak had to stay away, but also find a way to get out of this house. But then it hit him, if he could ever be out there again, what would he do? He couldn’t talk to Jonas or any of his old friends anymore; he also wouldn’t be able to go back to college, almost a year too late; and finally, it didn’t even exist as a possibility for him to go to Even.

What was he dreaming about when he left this awful place? A boyfriend? A friend? A career?

There is no light at the end of this fucking tunnel.

Chapter Text

The only thing that had helped the situation be a little less unbearable was his continuing conversations with Even. Isak liked to tell him what he had done in his day – with certain omissions, of course – and then he would ask about Even's day, after that they couldn’t stop talking to each other.

But, after the lying and the deceiving, Isak didn't have the courage to go on Twitter, he knew he would have messages from Even, or at least he really hoped so, as much as he wanted to see, respond and be friends for the rest of his life, he also couldn't stand the idea of leaving Even talking to himself. So, like always, Isak didn’t do anything.

 That sunshine of a boy didn't deserve to be abandoned by someone like Isak, but at the same time, he knew this was the best decision. Even was the type of person who deserved the best of the best, and Isak was certainly not that, he screwed up everything he put his hand on, and he was absolutely sure of it when he looked at his mother talking to herself around the house.

Isak's mother wasn’t always like that. She had an active life and worked at the best law firm in Oslo until Isak was born. His father told him, from time to time, how the two of them decided his mother should stay at home to take care of the baby, while Terje worked – and now it was Isak’s turn to take care of her.

After she stopped working, her life was just centered on her son. She read child development books instead of big lawsuits from multinationals, she learned to cook and wash baby clothes, leaving the computer and writing behind; and, finally, she gave up on her dreams of traveling when Isak became ill and he had to spend a week in the hospital. In the end, it was nothing to be concerned about, but it was filed in his brain as something traumatic, not more or less than the other traumas, though.

But for his mother, all of that was reason to focus only on Isak.

When Isak was a teenager, he found another piece of the puzzle that was his mother’s life. He was looking for a condom in his parents' closet, because of a dare he lost to Jonas, and he found out that he had a sister, Lea, but she died shortly after being born. Their parents never talked about it, but Isak thought that was the reason for his mother always being so worried and overprotective of him.

If he wasn’t there, for sure, he wouldn’t have screwed up his mother’s life. He turned a successful lawyer into a religious housewife in less than 10 years. And now he was there to pay for his sins.

To think that this could happen to Even, that he would take all of his emotional baggage and drop it on that wonderful boy made his stomach turn and Isak was sure staying away was the best thing to do.

A few days passed, slowly and full of hurt, as they seemed to do.

His routine seemed to disappear, and he just hung around his mother because the thought of being alone in his room without talking to Even was too hard to handle. Marianne, of course, didn’t realize anything different was happening and was just really happy that Isak wanted to learn more about God.

“My son, I’m so glad that you’re watching Lord Jesus Christ with me, He’ll purify your heart, I know.”

Isak just shook his head, maybe he would have his heart cleansed and no longer would worry about all the wrong things he used to do and think, maybe it would be a good idea to accept this life and let God heal him of his homosexuality, maybe it was him, who was ruining his and his mothers’ life. If he tried to be normal and like normal things, maybe his mother would get better and he could get out of this house, marry a woman and have a life. Maybe this also helped him with his impure thoughts about Even.

He prayed to God all week along with his mother and promised not to have any more gay thoughts.

Isak told God that if it made his mother better and helped him leave the house, he would never think of boys like that again. He would apologize to Jonas when he left the house and would never talk to Even again.

Chapter Text

Two weeks passed by. Two weeks and his computer was still in the closet with his sexuality and a lot of his thoughts. Two weeks without Even to make the day a little bit brighter. And two weeks asking for God to heal him.

Isak was fucking tired.

In the meantime, he had become the son his mother always wanted to have. He attended every Mass with her, prayed, and asked for absolution of sins, and wished desperately to leave that house, to have a future out there.

In the first week Isak helped his mother to set some history and science books on fire, he had kept those books mainly because Jonas had written funny messages on them, but it was for the best. The fire would cleanse it.

He also tried to learn how to sew, it didn't work though, he hurt his fingers and the thread came apart the moment he finished sewing. But maybe this was a good thing too, every sacrifice needs a little blood.

Isak thought that God was testing him.

You don’t ask for something and receive it on the spot, there was always a period of evaluation. And that time, of immense sadness, hurtfulness, and numbness, was a test period for him. God wanted to see if Isak would jump on the lap of the first man he saw when the door opened, or if he would be a good boy and look for a girlfriend.

Another week passed, Isak didn’t sleep and didn’t eat anymore, he was more anxious than ever, but he could feel it, the purification of God, the possibility of a new life, it was almost there, it had to be, there was nothing else he could give.

He kept praying and asking for his miracle, every day, hand in hand with his mother, all crazy together. Sometimes he wondered what his mother asked for. A better family? A son with fewer problems? A present husband? Maybe none of that, maybe she was so far gone in her craziness that she didn’t see what was happening. Yeah, that was the most logical answer.

Isak realized that his computer didn’t serve only for his gay acts, it also helped him to do his research regarding mental illness for his mother – and maybe, now for him too – but God would provide for both of them, he just needed to pray a little harder.

In the third week, Isak accompanied his mother to one of the prayer groups happening in his house. And Marianne was the proudest he ever saw her, the whole event she smiled, and even clapped when he said the right psalms and answered the sentences just like it was in the Bible.

The women, then, started to discuss homosexuality, and Isak felt personally tested. It was now, God wanted to see what he was going to say. And Isak, he was a good boy, he remained silent until they all left, "now it is only a matter of time" he thought. Isak was proud of himself and of everything he had achieved that day.

Until the next week came, and he, when participating in the next round of religious events, was asked particularly what his opinion was about homosexuality.

After years of listening to what his mother used to say, he knew the answer to that final test of God. Isak was overjoyed to take his last step towards the salvation of his soul.

“I think that if a person is a homosexual, he should at least give his body to celibacy and ask forgiveness to God for being born that way, and he would be ready to pay for his sins in this world.”

The women praised Isak, clapped for him, and hugged him, saying it was so refreshing to see a young man who knew so much about the Bible, and hoped he would pass the word of God on to the others. He just nodded, finding it difficult to breathe there, in the middle of those people.

He excused himself and went to his room to try to breathe on his own, so as not to disturb anyone else, but that wasn’t exactly what happened.

It wasn’t easy to take the last step, it was even harder to walk inside his room, but eventually, he got there and collapsed on the floor the second he closed the door. “Maybe I should’ve asked God to get me out of this house alive, I wasn’t clear enough for him”, Isak thought.

Was this really how his story was going to end? Was he going to die after he said all those horrible things about gay people? If only he knew this was his last day. But what would he do differently? Maybe find Even, maybe have a proper first kiss with a boy, maybe hug his best friend, maybe eat kebab like it was any other day.

Isak started to cry, and that didn’t help him to breathe better.

And then, all was gone.

Chapter Text

Isak didn’t know Even, not really. He didn't know if Even liked boys; if he was tall or short, blond or brunette; if he wanted to marry and have several children; or if he was one of those bad boys, who just hooked up and broke hearts. Isak only knew about the things Even told him, which could be lies.

Even told Isak that he liked to read Shakespeare, loved romantic literature, drew whenever he could, and when he couldn't too. Even wanted to be an artist, to change the world with colors, to show emotions with just one image.

Sometimes Even said that this world was not for everyone, that some stayed behind and were forgotten, and he was afraid to be one of those people, but Isak knew that it would never happen to Even – and he always told him.

From time to time, Even seemed a little sad, not wanting to talk about his favorite subjects, but they would resort to talking about a TV series, and in those times Even would just tell the plot of something new he saw without really giving his exciting opinion, and Isak also listened.

Isak didn't know Even, not really, but he liked to imagine that he was tall and blond and liked boys. Isak imagined Even coming to him and asking him on a date, they would fall in love, they would get married, then build their first home together and have a lot of children.

On the nights when Isak couldn't take it anymore, he imagined Even telling him that there was a magical cure for his mother's problem. Even would grab for Isak and ask him to leave that house. Isak would hold his hand, walk out the door and never let go.

Isak was lying on the floor of his room thinking of those conversations, looking for a way to breathe air into his lungs before his mother would appear. So, he imagined his favorite scene before passing out, he thought of Even, of reaching out to him.

“Let’s go, babe, let’s get out of here, once and for all.”

“Where to?” Isak would ask, apprehensive about the answer.

“Everywhere.” Even would say smiling the biggest and shiniest smile.

Isak woke up, sometime after he collapsed on the floor. He felt the air slowly returning and Even's face grew stronger in his mind, or the face he imagined whenever he thought of him. He climbed into his bed and closed his eyes, letting that image be the last one inside his heart and not the conversation he had with his mother's friends, “if I’m going to die, let me have this image” he prayed.

At 3:00 in the morning, Isak woke up. It was normal for this to happen; he didn't worry anymore and didn't even try to go back to sleep. He took his usual tour of the house, saw where his mother was sleeping, looked for anything wrong in the house, something on fire or out of place, but it was just his mother sleeping on the kitchen table leaning over several newspapers. Everything seemed in order.

He decided to go on Twitter and just tell Even that he was on his mind, that was all. He should be stronger than that, he should continue his promise to God, but he was afraid of dying again and not having the chance to speak one last time. He was just so exhausted.

When he logged on to Twitter, he came across so many notifications, the vast majority from Even, messages of all kinds, from asking Isak where he was to telling jokes. The last one was a phone number and a request from Even for them to talk.

Isak should have been stronger, but he was not. He was so weak.

Maybe God would punish him for talking to Even. But maybe he wasn’t paying attention to Isak now, maybe there were some little kids in Africa to pay attention to. Thinking about God looking the other way, gave Isak a little bit of courage – or temptation – and he sent a message to a boy.

Let’s be honest, the decision to send the message had already been made when Isak was on the floor of his room, thinking that if this was the end, he would have wanted to say goodbye to Even, at least.

Surely God wouldn’t care if Isak just said goodbye, because it is impolite to leave people talking to themselves and ghosting them, and God was nothing if not a polite guy, he would have been proud of Isak.

Even

Hi, Even!

I'm here, sorry I took so long to answer

things got a little busy around here

and they'll continue like this for some time

so I would like to tell you that maybe I'll be gone for a while

but you were a good friend to me and I'll never forget you

Bye,

Isak

Isak wanted to see Even's picture, or rather, he was desperate to see Even's real face, but there was no picture on WhatsApp and as soon as he sent the message, he deleted the conversation so as not to be tempted to send another message – and a thousand others after that and even a cry for help too.

(xx) xxxxxx

Isak! 🤩🤩🤩

I'm so happy that you finally appeared here!

I thought you had been a mirage on my Twitter 🤐😍😅

Why are things so busy?

What are you doing out there?

Tell me everything! 🧐

once you have time, ofc

You're also a good friend, Isak ❤ ️

I don't want you to say goodbye to me! 😢

Let's keep talking!

Please?

I like your company, Isak

I'll be waiting for your answer, don't break my heart! 🥺

Ok, so maybe Isak wished that God would continue to be occupied with other people for a little while longer.

Chapter Text

Isak saw the message the second it arrived, and with it an image of Even appeared on WhatsApp. He wrote and rewrote a thousand answers. He begged Even to come to him, shouted for help, asked if he was gay, and wanted a boyfriend full of mental problems. But he only managed to send “Hi”.

The plan to stay away was falling apart with each passing minute.

Now, with Even's image to complete Isak's imagination, it seemed that it was even more difficult to put some distance between the two of them. And what did Isak expect from that friendship, if he could call a person a friend if they had never met in real life?

He wanted to keep talking to Even, even if that was a mistake and a sin, another entry on a long list of wrong things. But the truth was that Even was unreachable, and each day that Isak fell even deeper into his head, the farther that beautiful boy was and he was sure of it.

The day he would leave that house, the whole world will be different, and he wouldn’t have the chance to continue his life as he had planned, he wouldn’t have his friends anymore, who have by now forgotten all about him, and he won’t be able to have Even, as he promised to be a good boy and lead a straight life.

So, what was Isak expecting to happen when he talked to Even?

He had no idea.

Isak just said hi and stared at his cell phone. From the noise of his mother's house, she was still asleep, so he had some time to wait for a miracle, but 42 minutes later he still hadn't received anything back. And his paranoid mind thought that Even knew, that wonderful boy had realized that Isak was more trouble than he was worth.

Isak put his cell phone in the closet on top of the computer and left the room. He took only a few steps towards the kitchen until he heard his mother cry. Of course, it was horrible to stay in that house with her, and that he wanted nothing more than the chance to run away, but his heart broke fell to pieces when he heard her cry.

As soon as he entered the room, he saw his mother sitting on the floor, in front of the altar she had made, with Jesus and all his friends watching her. She was crying so hard, and in that instant, Isak thought that somehow her mother knew that he had confronted God and sent a message to Even, maybe Jesus had just told her that her son was a faggot.

Very slowly he entered his mother's room and put his hand on her back, making her jump up in fright.

“It was you!”  She turned and pointed a finger to Isak. “You are the one who is holding me here! I need to leave, Jesus is calling me to the field, but you locked the door, Isak!”

Isak shook his head in frightened denial. Yes, he locked her in the house, but it was for her own good. He didn’t do it to make her or God angry.

“No, mom, I promise, I didn't lock you in here.”

“Why don't you let me out then?” She replied crying as if the last second of anger hadn’t happened.

“Of course, you can leave, the door is open.”

“When your dad arrives, I'll tell him everything! You will be grounded, young man, and he will beat you until you learn to respect your mother.”

“Mom, dad doesn't live with us anymore”

“And now he's lying to me! God sees everything, and he knows you’re a sinner.”  Yeah, Isak was sure of that by now.

Isak's mother pulled him by the arm to the living room, turned on the television, and knelt in front of it, making her son do the same. While the two listened to the priest's sermon, Isak began to think what had made his mother cry like that and be filled with so much anger towards him. Could it be that all these sudden changes of moods were another sign that things were going to get worse?

While Isak was thinking about whether or not it could be another test of God, he remembered the message, the two little letters he sent, and how it had all happened after that. Yes, that was a sign that he had disobeyed God and was now going to pay the consequences.

Isak spent the day with his mother. He made lunch for her, prayed a lot, and obeyed all her requests. In the late afternoon it looked like everything was returning to that horrible new normal he was used to. Before dinner started, his mother called him to attend the 6 pm Mass and Isak went, like a good boy.

“My son, I am so happy that you are here with me. You are a great company, you know?” Isak just nodded and thanked her. “It is so good that we are going to be together forever.”

Just like last night, the air left him and Isak knew he couldn't stay, that he would pass out if he did. He turned from the TV and told his mother he was going to go to the bathroom and ran upstairs, which was a bad idea because he was even more out of breath. Arriving in the room he dragged himself into the closet and took out his cell phone.

Even had written several things for him, but he couldn't focus on the words enough to read them. And for some reason, a very bad reason, he messaged Even and spilled out that he couldn't breathe and was afraid of dying.

A few seconds passed and then his cell phone vibrated. It was him.

“Isak, what are you feeling?”

 Isak didn’t believe that it was true, "I must have passed out already", he thought and was sure that he hadn’t died, because God wasn’t going to gift him with Even's voice.

“Isak! Are you listening to me?”

“Yeah”, he replied very quietly.

“What are you feeling? Do you want me to call an ambulance?”

He thought about it, wondering if it was a good idea, maybe if he went to the hospital, his mother would stay there, but with his luck, they would hospitalize him in the psychiatric ward and his mother would come back home alone.

“No! Don't do it! My mother …” The thick air was only enough for him to say that.

“Isak, are you having a panic attack?”, he started to cry. “Isak, close your eyes for me, okay? Just listen to my voice. Tell me where you are.”

“Inside the closet.”

“Tell me what you're hearing.”

“You.”

“What else?”

“The sound of the clock, the branch of the tree hitting the window …”

Gradually his breathing returned to normal. Even’s soothing voice continued to ask more details of what he was seeing, hearing, and feeling until Isak was well, or at least not as bad as before.

”You had a panic attack, Issy. Does it happen a lot?”

"I don't think so," Isak said, sighing and wondering if it was a lie. “Yesterday and today only.”

“Do you want to get out of the closet and go to bed? I'll stay with you on the phone for a little while longer.”

“No, I need to take care of my mother downstairs.”

“Does your mother have limited mobility?”

“No...”  Isak replied, wondering about the question.

“Then you can lie on the bed and let her settle on her own for a few minutes. I'll keep you company.”

Isak just obeyed, he listened to Even's voice until he fell asleep and only woke up the next morning.

Chapter Text

Isak woke up at 8:00 am with a message from Even, and for the first time in a while, he realized that he had slept all night. He had even dreamed vividly.

In his dream he was inside a locked closet holding a box of bibles that had caught on fire, and he knew that if he didn't let it go, he would die without air, but Isak just couldn't do it, his arms wouldn't move. Outside the closet, he heard pouring rain and Even calling his name. He didn't need to be a renowned psychologist to interpret that dream, he wanted to leave his mother's hand and stay with Even, but even in his dreams, this wasn’t possible.

So, Isak kept that thought in the back of his brain with all the others and went to see what Even had written.

Even 🔑

Good morning, Issy, I hope you are better today, text me, okay?

Hi, Even

yeah, I'm better,

thank you so much for helping me and keeping me company

Sorry for bothering you so much.

Isak remembered that last night he had wasted Even’s time on the phone all night, calming him down and then talking to him until he fell asleep. After running so much from Even, he found himself laying all his emotional baggage onto him. It only took one crisis for Even to become the one Isak wanted to call.

Even 🔑

You weren’t bothering me, Isak

whenever you need me for anything at all just text or call

I'll always, always be here for you.

No, Even was too good, but Isak would never subject him to all of this again.

Even 🔑

Thanks

but I'm not going to disturb you with these little things anymore

I'm going to sort it all by myself.

Isak wondered if he could pray to God to take away the panic attacks and the pain that he felt – the shallow breathing, the sadness –, but his debt was only growing and he didn't know how he would be able to repay if he continued asking for more wishes.

Even 🔑

But they aren’t little things

panic attacks are real and it would be good if you went to a therapist to talk about it.

No, it's nothing

I just need to spend a day working and not staying on the couch

and I'm cured

hahahaha

Isak, you called me crying yesterday

you were clearly scared

It is something,

and when you want to ask for help,

I am here and I know some therapists.

Next time I won’t call you, don't worry.

I need to go now.

Bye, Even.

Isak hated how rude he was and how he kept running from Even, but what other choice did he have? But to Isak's surprise, Even called him. And yes, he shouldn't have answered, but he needed to hear that voice again.

"Isak?"

"Yeah"

"Don’t run away from me, please."

“Why do you care, Even? I'm nobody to you.”

“That’s not true! You’re Isak, and I like you.”

“But why? You don’t even know me”

“Isak, we’ve been talking for so many days, you’re my friend, you’re funny and intelligent and kind of a smart ass.” He laughed, “and I know something’s not right with your situation.”

“No, Even, I’m not who you think I am, I’m horrible, and I lied to you, and I have so many fucking problems. I keep pushing you away, but you just won’t stay away, I’m not good for you, I’m not good for anybody.” Just like that Isak was crying again. He was so weak. “Just stay away!”

Isak turned the cell phone off and went downstairs to look for his mother. He went to the living room, to the kitchen and tried the back garden, and when he didn’t find her anywhere, Isak ran upstairs searching for her.

He looked everywhere in the house and began to panic at the thought of her going out into the world alone. If Isak was barely able to hold her in the house, keeping her safe, he didn't even want to think what could happen if she was out on the street. She could set a whole block on fire, or much worse, she could get hurt.

Isak remembered how selfish he was last night when, instead of taking care of her, he decided to fall asleep listening to Even's voice telling him that everything was fine, that he was safe and nothing bad would happen. Even didn't know about his reality, he couldn't imagine everything that happened inside that house, because Isak didn't know what to expect in the next minute, let alone the next day, and he couldn’t explain that to anybody, let alone Even.

No, that was God showing Isak that he could fool anyone he wanted with his little panic attacks and crying in the middle of the night, but he didn't fool him. If there was someone tracking all of his good and bad deeds, that was God, and he saw Isak asking Even for help, he saw that inside his heart he had no brotherly love, but the worst kind of sin.

But would God hurt his mother to teach Isak a lesson? Instead of waiting to see what would happen, he thought the best thing to do was to ask Even for help and run off looking for smoke.

Even 🔑

Even!

I lost my mother

I don’t know what to do, please help me!

What do you mean?

How did you lose her?

I’m a horrible son that’s how!

She’s not well, mentally, please Even, help me!

Yeah, ok, of course

Send me your location and I’ll be there

we’ll go door to door asking about her, okay?

Don’t worry we’ll find her.

[Location]

I'm going to the left,

you go the other way around when you arrive okay?

Thank you!

Isak walked door to door, knocking on each one, talked to all those neighbors who hated him. Finally, half an hour later he got a call from Even.

"I found her, where are you?"

"I don't know, exactly, where is she?"

“The lady who lives on the next block, Mrs. Astrid, found her this morning walking in the middle of the street and talking to herself. She brought her home and called your father. He is here."

"My father is there?" Isak heard his father complaining and asking for Even's cell phone.

“Isak! I asked you for just one simple thing, and you couldn't even do that! Come here now!”

He didn't even have time to answer and his father had already hung up the phone. He texted Even saying that he wasn't sure where he was. All these days sleeping so little and eating even less was really affecting Isak, and at the worst possible moment. He was dizzy, lost, and scared.

Even asked for his location again and in less than two minutes he arrived, "he arrived", Isak thought when saw that giant blond boy who looked like the sun that would remove the darkness that lived in his head. "He arrived.” Isak didn’t think he would ever see Even in real life, as much as he wished for. He thought that this kind of luck just didn’t happen to a person like Isak, “he arrived”.

"Halla." Even said, and Isak thought again “he arrived”, and it was the last thing he remembered happening. His body couldn't take anymore, and after seeing that bright sun in front of him, he simply let his body rest – or his body demanded the rest – and Isak passed out.

Chapter Text

Isak woke up a few hours later in the hospital, Even by his side, holding his hand and stroking his hair. He looked around and wondered if he was really there, outside of the house, if he had managed, somehow, to break free.

Even continued to look at Isak and smile, waiting while he organized his thoughts about what had happened. Isak, on the other hand, was trying to see if he was really alive and not dead or dreaming. He was holding Even's hand tight, feeling the affection in his grip, in his hair, in his scent. Almost sure he was indeed alive, Isak said:

"Where am I?"

"You're in the hospital, Issy, you passed out."

And then, Isak remembered what had happened, he had been looking for his mother and Even, of course, found her. But what now?

“Where's my mom? Is she okay?" he said, getting up, startled. Even just put a hand on his shoulder and gently pushed him back to lie down again.

"She's okay, your dad is taking care of her, you just need to worry about getting better soon, ok?"

No, that couldn’t be true, how did God give him the easiest way out? There was something wrong with all of this. Maybe the fact that his dad was the one taking care of her. But for now, and only now, he just wanted to enjoy this moment.

"You scared me, Isak." Even said putting his hand back in Isak's hair. The feeling of someone gently running his fingers through his hair felt like the best thing that had ever happened to him, and without really realizing it, Isak closed his eyes and just felt. Until he heard his father's voice.

"What is this, Isak?", the two boys jump scared, as they both weren’t expecting such a drastic shock to the calm bubble Even had created for Isak. "What are you doing lying here with this boy while your mom needs you?"

Isak started to get up again until Even stopped him.

"He can’t go now, he has anemia and his bloodwork shows some vitamin deficiencies. The nurse said that he needs to stay here until he improves." Apparently, his body gave up on him too.

"It's always an excuse with you, isn't it, Isak?" His father asked, pretending that Even wasn’t there.

"It wasn't my fault, dad, I tried to take care of her, I did my best," Isak remembered all the times he sacrificed his mental health and his body so that his mother was always safe and well, but apparently his best was still not enough.

“You just had to take care of your mother, it wasn't too difficult, was it? You're young and I thought you were smart, but you couldn't lock the fucking door so your old mom wouldn't run? Fuck, Isak!” Terje shouted, perhaps angrier than ever.

"Sorry, dad. I slept, and she left. I don't know what happened, but don't worry, I'm going to ask the nurse to let me out of here tomorrow, I won't need more time than that and I'll be right back home.” That sentence made a shiver run through his body, coming home was the last thing he wanted to do. Hadn't God finished torturing him yet?

"No." At the same moment, a relief appeared, even though he knew that his father wasn’t saying this with good intentions. "Who knows what you’ll do next time, your poor mother, she doesn't deserve a child like you, don't worry about going home, there won't be anything there anymore."

"Dad, wait!" but it was too late, his father disappeared as fast as he appeared, it almost looked like a soap opera scene when the villain only appears to give the bad news or disclose his secret plan.

"At least," Isak thought, "I didn't need to go home or have a long conversation with my father.", but the last sentence of his father made Isak think about his stuff. If he was going to start a new life, he needed, at least, some of his clothes.

“Even, please go to my house and get my things! Please! I have nothing else in this world. It is the last thing I’ll ask of you, I promise.”

Even ran out and Isak missed the boy right away.

While waiting for Even to return, Isak fell asleep, all the fatigue, sadness and hunger from the previous days, from the previous months, still plaguing Isak. Once again, he dreamed, only this time he saw an old man in a white dress and a giant beard – but strangely enough, he was a Simpsons character –, who told him it was his turn to fulfill his part of the deal, he should find a girlfriend and stop dreaming about a boy!

Isak woke up scared and saw Even in front of him, with the usual smile and knew what he had to do, he should push Even away from his heart and find a girl instead. And that thought ate at him from the inside. He didn't know if it was that thought more than being trapped inside his house, that made Isak start to cry.

Once again, Isak needed to be rescued by Even, once again he was the poor guy who had too many problems to solve on his own, and once again, he unloaded everything on that sunshine boy.

Even reached over and hugged him, sat on the bed and gathered Isak to him, cuddling him, stroking his back, and kissing his head, saying that everything was fine now, that nothing bad was going to happen to him and that he would always be by his side. Isak was going to walk away from Even, but for now, after almost a year of being locked in his house with his mother going mad, he could close his eyes and receive this affection, even if it was wrong and even if it was a sin and even if the Simpsons looking God would be mad.

Chapter Text

Isak woke up slowly, the next day. Before opening his eyes and starting his day, he lay there, just breathing in the cologne of a man and feeling the warm body next to him. It was then that the memories of the previous day began to appear and as happy as he was to be out of that house, he certainly didn’t want to have to say goodbye to Even now.

He remained motionless, giving himself a few more minutes to just feel something good happening in his life. Even, who had his arms around him, put a hand in his hair and cuddled him, just like yesterday, and it was in that instant that he knew he had made an expensive agreement with God.

Very slowly, Isak opened his eyes and saw Even smiling at him.

"Good morning," he said softly and kissed Isak on the forehead.

Isak, always grumpy Isak, pushed at Even's body a little and immediately sat up on the bed, almost falling off it, causing the other boy to put his hand on his waist to hold him.

“Good morning, Even. Did you sleep here?”

"No, I left after the nurses threw me out," he said, laughing. “But I came back today as soon as I woke up, or almost, I wanted to bring something delicious for you to eat.” He said, lifting a bag from the bakery, “hospital food isn’t always good, and since it’s your job to fill your tummy, I thought it would be a good idea. I asked the nurse if you could have this and she was excited about the idea of eating more to help get out of here sooner.”

As Even finished speaking, Isak wondered where he was going when his mandated stay at the hospital ended. He couldn't go back home anymore, his father made it more than clear that there wouldn’t be any room for him there, besides, it didn't make sense for him to ask God for a chance to be free from that house only to return two days later.

He also knew he couldn't go to his old apartment; they would have already rented his room out, almost a year after Isak left. And for sure, he wasn't going to call Jonas.

Where would he go?

The problem of asking for a big wish this way is that you never imagine what will happen after it comes true. What did Isak think would happen when he finally left the house? He should have looked for a job while he was still inside that house, tried to earn some money, and kept a piggy bank with some savings, but he didn't do any of that.

Isak knew that Even had picked up some of his stuff from home, but what did he bring? Did he find all his clothes hidden in the box, and his computer in the closet? How would he make money without his computer? How would Isak make money without a place to sleep in at night? How would he eat? How the heck would he survive?

Without realizing it was happening, Isak was already well into the middle of another panic attack. When would God get tired of those things?

“Isak, look at me”, Even said holding his face, “it's okay, you're fine and you're here at the hospital, nothing bad can happen, I'm taking care of you. Ok?”

Even brought Isak close to his body and their breathing slowly synchronized. A few minutes later, Isak felt himself returning to his body.

“Stop scaring me like that”, Even said smiling. “Do you want to eat a little? It’s ok if you don’t want to.”

Isak nodded, and the two of them had a picnic right there on the bed. Even kept talking about his classes and the drawings he wanted to do. He also said that Isak was a very cute boy and that one day he wanted to draw him if he could, of course, and in the middle of it all, he made a joke about the Titanic.

While Even had his mouth full of waffles, Isak took the chance to thank him for everything he was doing and promised, yet again, that he would never bother him after this.

“Let's make a deal,” Even said seriously after swallowing the food. “You ask me for help, and the day I feel bothered, if that happens, I’ll tell you and you stop.”

“How am I supposed to know you're telling me the truth?”

“I’ll never lie to you.” He answers proud of himself, and that made Isak feel bad again for the lies he had already told him, and all the half-truths.

“Even, I'm not a good friend, you shouldn't stay here with me.”

“Yes, you are, you're just going through some bad days.” Isak shook his head.

“No, it's not true. Everything bad is happening to me because I’m not a good person. I deserve it.” Isak said, holding back the tears. “And I would prefer it if you left.”

“Okay” Even said after being silent for a few seconds thinking, and before Isak's heart evaporated, he completed the sentence. “I’ll go to class now and come back later, don't run away from me before then!” He said giving Isak a kiss on the cheek.

Isak ate one more croissant and the nurse brought him milk. Before he could get stressed again over his near future homelessness and poverty, he slept. He dreamed he was back in Even's arms, a hand slowly caressing his back, while Isak sat there grumpy about having been in the hospital for too long.

When Isak woke, it was already night and Even wasn’t by his side. He immediately felt lonely. He reached for his cell phone to send a message asking where he was, but his phone was dead. Isak struggled to reach his backpack without getting out of bed, but he couldn't hold the strap and just lay back on the bed staring at the ceiling, just like he did with his mother, waiting for something to happen.

Isak knew he had to distance himself from Even, but he didn't think Even would do it for him. Some tears started to fall down his cheek and then, all the tears of the past month came flooding out. He thought of Even, of his mother inside that house, of his father cursing at him, of the way Jonas looked at him the last time they hung out, and lastly, he thought of himself, his dreams and desires all left behind, and how they would never come to pass.

Was it a good idea to stay out of that house, if his life would be as limited inside as it was outside? Isak had no idea, but he knew he just wanted Even to be by his side, stroking his hair. He was a sinner, and he knew God already heard what he thought, but for now, while he was too afraid to face the future, he needed Even by his side.

Add cowardice to his list of sins.

Chapter Text

“Good morning sleepy head.” Isak heard Even's voice waking him up and very slowly he opened his eyes, afraid that it was just a dream.

“Why didn't you come back yesterday?” Isak whispered, looking much needier than he wanted to show.

He regretted it as soon as he said it. It wasn’t something straight people said, and also Isak wasn’t the least bit polite to the guy who had saved his life a thousand times so far. If Even wanted to disappear and never speak to Isak again, it was his right to do so, but Isak hoped he wouldn't.

“I came back, but you slept all afternoon. I was even tempted to wake you up, but I didn't think it would be very helpful for you in your recovery. And then, when visiting hours were over, the nurse threw me out again” he shook his head, and smiled at Isak. “I didn't think you were going to wake up in the middle of the night, I should have left a note. In fact, I kind of wrote something.” Even said.

And then he shook his backpack out on the bed and dropped several small drawings, which Isak picked up to admire. If he could, he would kept them in the most special place in the world. Even's drawings were, apparently all of Isak, Isak sleeping, Isak angry, Isak eating, and Isak smiling, even though the boy didn’t see himself as Even had drawn him, he liked to think that this was a happy Isak from a parallel universe.

“Did you spend the afternoon here?” Isak asked after making a pile with the drawings and placing them under his cell phone.

“Of course.”

“You can't do this Even, you have your things to do, you can't waste the whole day here with me.”

“First you complain that I wasn’t here, and then you complain that I stayed here?” Even said putting his hands on his hips and pretending to be angry.

“It's because I don't understand you, we hardly know each other, how are you here taking care of me as if I was someone for you? You need to go live your life and leave me behind, Even!” Even bent down and gave Isak a little kiss on the head.

“Let’s go, babe, let’s get out of here, once and for all,” he said extending his hand and that phrase made Isak's eyes widen, and he was so tempted to just hold on to Even’s hand and follow him anywhere, to run away from God, to be one hundred percent gay and love Even.

“What did you say?” Isak had to be sure that his head wasn’t tricking him.

“The nurse said that you can go now. Let’s go!”

“But I have nowhere to go to!” Isak shook his head slowly, sitting up.

“Let's go to my house, and then we figure something out, what do you think about that plan?” This was a test, Even wasn’t just giving his hand to Isak to hold, this was the opposite of running away, it was being put under a microscope for God to see them – or Isak.

“No! I can't go! I’ll think of something.”

“Issy stop, you don't have to solve this yourself. Come on, we could go somewhere and have breakfast, what do you think? You're not going to make me have breakfast alone, are you?” He said pouting and Isak smiled.

“I'll just stay at your house today!” Of course Isak didn't think this was the right thing to do, and of course, he knew he should distance himself from that wonderful boy, but saying no to him was impossible.

Even didn’t say anything, just held out his hand to Isak and smiled. The older boy put his backpack on his back, gathered all the hospital paperwork and the two walked out of there hand in hand. "God is not going to like this at all", Isak thought.

They walked to a nice diner and while Isak was analyzing the prices and thinking about what he could buy, Even had already ordered waffles and milkshakes, as well as other treats, for both of them, making Isak's eyes widen when all that food arrived.

“Even, what is all this for? We will never be able to finish.” Even just shrugged and smiled at Isak.

They spent an hour talking in that diner. Isak talked about his school days and the things he used to do with Jonas. And he talked a little bit about college and his desire to be a doctor, but how his plans had to change when his mother became too sick to stay alone. Shyly he explained to Even that how he had, in fact, lied when he said that he was going to be a doctor, that it wasn’t possible anymore, that he lied about still attending school. It was all lies.

Even just shook his head and smiled, explaining that he could still be a doctor, yes, that he could return to college, it wouldn’t be too difficult to pick it back up.

“No, I think that being a doctor is not for me anymore, maybe in another universe” Isak replied smiling and pretending it didn't hurt.

And he changed the subject to the jobs he could apply for, maybe he could be a waiter or work as a cleaner somewhere, but none of that would give him enough money to find a place to live fast enough. And thinking about that made him pull out his computer to look if anyone was hiring nearby.

Even put his hand on the top of the computer and closed it slowly.

“Now, we are going to have breakfast, then we worry about the future.”

“Even, with this much food, we’ll never leave here”, Isak said smiling.

“So, we stay here forever”, and Even smiled too.

When the two were full, Even paid the bill, even after Isak complained that it wasn't fair for him to pay for everything. After that, they walked hand in hand to Even's apartment.

On the way, Isak looked at the sky and thought about what God was planning. He just couldn’t let go of the hand of the boy who saved him again and again, it would be impolite. He couldn't refuse a place to sleep, in fact, he wasn’t in a place to refuse anything.

As soon as they arrived, Even told Isak that he lived with a friend, Mikael, but he was sure he wouldn't mind Isak sleeping there for a few nights.

“Didn't you ask him if I could stay here?” Isak spoke with wide eyes and Even just shrugged.

“I'm sure he'll love you, Issy!”

Isak sat on the sofa and he finally could see what Even had put in his backpack. To his relief he managed to get the most important things, and even some pictures, that Isak had hidden, of Jonas and his other friends. He spent a few minutes looking at them and wondering if he would ever get to see them again – “probably not”, he thought sadly.

Later for lunch, while Even was making lasagna and Isak was researching different ways to make money, Mikael arrived and Isak was ready to lose his place to sleep.

“Hey!” Mikael said with a beautiful smile.

It stands to reason that a boy as handsome as Even would have beautiful friends like him. Isak knew this was God, that he was testing Isak every time Even held his hand and kissed him, to see if it would turn to something even more sinful. And to increase that temptation, God revealed Mikael to Isak.

“Hi, I'm Isak, Even's friend,” he said, giving his most straight smile.

“What's up, Isak? Is Even in the kitchen?” Isak nodded his head and Mikael went there without saying anything else.

Isak gathered his things, putting everything in his backpack, and stood waiting for the moment he was going to be expelled from that house. He should have specified to God not only that he didn’t want to stay at his mother's house, but that he intended to live somewhere else.

“Issy!” Even shouted from the kitchen and Isak just waited, until he put his head out the door “what are you doing? Come here, let's have lunch.”

After everyone had eaten, Even said he told Mikael that Isak would stay there for a while, but by the expression on Mikael's face, this news hadn’t been well received.

“Just for today, I'm already looking for a job, and tomorrow I won't be here anymore!” Isak said quickly, looking at Mikael and before he could say anything Even interrupted.

“You’ll stay as long as you need it, and we will help you, won't we, Mikael?”

“Even, I think we need to talk about this a little bit more,” Mikael said.

“No, we don't need to, Isak is my friend and he needs a place to stay, everything is already settled.”

“Okay, I just hope that nothing wrong happens again.” And with that cryptic message Mikael got up and left.

Chapter Text

That night, Isak slept or tried to sleep, on the couch, even after Even had explained to him that they could share a bed. Isak knew that God thought about the idea of two men sleeping together was disgusting. Given that he still couldn't distance himself from Even as he had promised, he thought it would be better not to make God angrier.

Also, not kissing Even was a constant job. It would be even harder to not kiss him lying next to him all night.

However, he didn't sleep at all, he had several horrible nightmares and at 5:00 in the morning he decided to give up sleeping and tidied up the room. Silently, he washed the dishes from the previous night's dinner, and even swept throughout the apartment, trying to be helpful so that Mikael wouldn't throw him out too quickly.

When Even appeared at 7:00 am from his bedroom, Isak was already sitting with his computer on his lap.

“Good Morning!” Even said with his eternal giant smile, and sat next to Isak giving him a kiss on his head. “Did you sleep well?”, he asked and Isak just nodded.

“I'm going to look for a job today, and then I can leave!” Isak replied, getting up and putting some distance between the two of them.

“Is everything ok?” Even asked confused.

Isak knew that now was the time to start putting some space between them, but the thought of saying these things to Even, hurt his heart. "It’s not right for you to treat me like that all the time, Even."

“Like what?”

“Hugging and kissing me. I am a boy!”

“I know you're a boy” Even laughed a little. “So what? I like hugs and kisses, don't you?”

“Not from another guy, it’s so gay.”

Isak thought that he had a magical power to destroy people, he did it with his mother, and now, with Even, when his smile gradually faded away. It would be easier to leave if Even hated him, but his heart, which was already crumbling, couldn’t take it.

“Sorry, Even, I just don't like you touching me all the time, okay?” Even just nodded and got up.

“I’m going to make some coffee if you want to, and then I need to go to college, you can stay as long as you want, ok?” Even asked while he was standing up next to the kitchen's door, and Isak just nodded.

Isak stayed seated, and after Even picked up his backpack, he told him that he would return in the afternoon, giving him a copy of the key. Leaving Isak in that apartment almost alone.

Because he knew that he couldn’t afford to refuse any food, he went to the kitchen and started eating breakfast, but stopped everything when Mikael appeared. He was ready to leave to make space for Mikael, when he said, “Isak, I’m sorry if I was a little rude yesterday. I'm sure you are a nice person, but I can't let Even bring every lost puppy he finds on the street back here to our home, you can understand that, right?”

“Of course, I'm leaving now. I didn't mean to disturb you.” He said taking one big sip of coffee.

“Sorry, Isak.”

Isak just shook his head and gave a small smile, trying to pretend that everything was fine. He gathered his things wondering where he was going to go at night and returned the key to Mikael. Even though the plan was to leave Even's house today, deep down he thought that maybe he could stay another night, just until he had a bit of money in hand.

Apparently, his plans were going to change, again.

When Isak was at his mother's house, he had to make and remake his life’s plan, always making them smaller, expecting less and less for his future. The fact that he didn’t have somewhere to sleep tonight wasn’t so unexpected.

He could find a shelter for homeless people, somewhere in Oslo, but he didn't know where to go. Maybe sleeping in the square today wouldn’t be such a bad idea, he could wear all of his clothes, and God would be happy with one more sacrifice.

Yeah, a night alone on the street was a great idea to appease God after holding hands with Even all those times. And just one night wouldn't kill Isak, even though it was cold.

However, none of this was important now, the more he thought about the night the more he felt a panic attack coming. What would happen at night would only happen after he finished his day, and the plan now was getting a job to reduce the number of nights slept on the street. Having a panic attack would only delay things further, so he focused on what he needed to do and pushed the panic away.

Isak went into all the cafes asking if they had any job openings, doing absolutely anything. He had no experience, but he was very smart and could learn anything. Apparently, that wasn’t enough, they were more interested in people who could actually make decorative kittens from coffee foam.

After several failed attempts, Isak went to schools and hospitals, asking if they had any jobs available for cleaning. He almost went to his old school, but he thought that, at least for today, he could avoid remembering all the good times in his life, with Jonas and Magnus, in high school.

The night and the cold arrived and with each passing minute, Isak thought that his idea of sleeping in the square wasn’t his best. He put one jacket on top of the other, closed them all as best as he could, and curled up on the bench, waiting for the next test of God.

Isak knew he didn't have to worry though, God wouldn't kill him while he still carried such a big debt, his life wasn't going to be that simple. And so he settled into his new home for the evening.

Until his phone rang.

Chapter Text

 “Isak, this is Mikael, where are you?”

“On the street, why?”

“Can you come back here, please?”

It was all Isak wanted, but he learned how God tests people, and Isak always did well on the tests. No, he wouldn’t go to Even's house, he would continue to sit quietly in the cold until he paid the debt on this installment of his prayer.

“Actually, I can't. I need to hang up, Mikael ...”

“Even needs you.”

That caught Isak's attention, but he knew he couldn't, it was God tempting him again, what else could it be? Even had a house, a friend, and the whole world by his side, why would he need Isak?

“I can't, Mikael, I have things to do.”

“Where are you? I'll pick you up. I know you have nothing to do on a Tuesday night. Come on, Even helped you when you needed him, the least you can do now is be by his side.”

“But you’re there, why does he need me?”

“I don’t know, but he needs you, he doesn’t stop calling for you. Come here already, Isak!” And with that Mikael hung up the phone.

Isak walked to Even's house, always looking up to the sky, looking for God to judge him. He went slower than he would prefer, but he thought that this would give God enough time to see him and send a signal, a shower of meteorites or a lightning bolt to his head.

As soon as he arrived at the building, he rang the bell, and in seconds, the door was open for him. Isak went up the stairs and into the apartment. Being there again made his heart calmer, even though he didn't know exactly what had happened.

Isak took off his shoes and placed the backpack close to the exit.

“Mikael, I'm here.” He spoke without moving from beside the open door.

A head appeared out from the kitchen, it was Mikael, and he was clearly very angry with the situation.

“Go to his room and show him that you're alive and not mad at him, hurry up.”

Isak just nodded his head and closed the door, walking slowly to Even's room, not knowing what to expect. Even always seemed happy and kind of balanced – of course, sometimes he would get really excited about stuff, and he definitely bought too much food or would sometimes be kind of down about the world, but those things were normal, right?

The boy tried to think what could have happened that was so serious that Even needed someone like him. He had Mikael beside him, and from his face, he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to Even.

 When Isak entered the room, he saw Even under a pile of covers. In fact, he only realized that someone was there because he noticed the covers moving up and down slowly.

“Even?” He sat on the edge of the bed. “Are you okay?”

Isak pulled the covers down a little, searching for his face. When he touched Even with his cold fingers, he felt him warm – always warm. Even moved and looked at Isak with eyes filled with tears.

“Hi, Even.” Isak spoke softly. “What happened?”

“You went away.”

“I did, that was the deal, remember? I was only going to stay one night.”

“You were angry with me because I hug you all the time, right? It also happened to Mikael when we met, or almost. But I’ll never touch you again, Isak. I’m sorry. Stay here.”

“I can’t. But I'm not mad, it's okay. We're friends, right?” He spoke and a felt a pain in his heart. Isak didn’t want to be friends with Even, he wanted to lie on that bed and hold him tight until all this sadness left his heart.

“Right. Stay here today then. I don't want to sleep alone; I promise I won't touch you.”

Isak sat there a few minutes thinking about what Mikael said, but it wasn’t easy to reject a warm bed with a wonderful boy in it. Perhaps this was another test, sleeping in bed with Even, but not touching him, not having impure thoughts, and not wanting to stay there for the rest of his life.

“Issy, please stay with me.” Isak didn’t have a chance in hell when Even said Issy. Actually, he had a spot in hell for every time Even called him like that, and made his heart jump for the other boy. His other parts were interested as well.

"I’ll stay," he said, gently stroking Even's face.

“You are freezing cold, go take a shower and come back here to tell me about your day, please?”

“Ok, I’ll be right back.”, he said smiling.

Isak walked to the kitchen and told Mikael that Even had asked him to stay in the apartment for the night. He wondered whether or not he would accept Isak's presence there.

“I don't think I have much of a choice, do I?”

“I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning, Mikael, I promise.”

“No, Isak, you can stay as long as Even wants you around. I worry about him and I just want him to be okay, sometimes his brain doesn't leave him alone.”

Isak didn't know exactly what Mikael was talking about, but he was too tired and too hungry to try to analyze anything. And the possibility of a hot shower and a bed with Even on it, made him stop wondering about what Mikael said. So he just nodded and thanked him.

After the shower, he went back to Even's room and lay under the covers. For a few seconds, he thought Even was already asleep, but as soon as Isak settled down and stopped moving, the other boy turned his body to face him.

“What did you do today?” He asked very quietly.

“I looked for a job.”

“Did you find anything?” Isak shook his head no. Even raised his hand to put it in his hair, but stopped halfway and brought it back to his body “Sorry, I’ll get used to it.”

“That’s all right. I was a little rude before, I’m sorry too. I wanted to make it clear that I don't like boys, that's all.”

"I like them" Even said quietly and Isak's eyes widened.

He dreamed of that day, being in bed with a handsome, gay boy, but everything that night was looking like a test, which was getting harder with every minute that passed.

“I guess I shouldn't be lying here if you're gay.”

“It would calm you down if I say I'm not gay?” Isak's eyes widened even more.

“No?”

“No, I'm pan.” Isak's confused face made Even laugh a little. “I like the person regardless of their gender.”

“I am hetero!” Isak didn't know why he said that, in such a strong tone of voice. Perhaps he was trying to make him, Even and God – who was certainly listening to the conversation – believe in him.

For some reason, however, it made Even laugh even more. Even though he was away from Even just for one afternoon, Isak already missed that sound.

“Okay, Issy, I don't care that you're straight, do you mind that I'm pan?” Slowly, Isak shook his head no.

“Can we sleep in the same bed though?”

“If you don't feel comfortable with me, you can go to the living room, but I would never touch you without your consent, being pan doesn't change that.”

“Okay, I trust you.” As he spoke, he realized how true that statement was. “Let’s sleep then? Tomorrow I need to keep looking for a job.” Isak said with a little smile.

“Yeah, maybe I can help you?” Isak nodded his head. “Good night, Isak.” Even replied.

Isak waited a few minutes with his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep, and then opened them, to look at Even. He wanted to memorize his face, so that when life was difficult again – tomorrow probably – he would have this moment.

Even opened his eyes and caught Isak looking at him, “Go to sleep, Issy.” He said with a smile, “I’ll be here tomorrow for you to look at.”

Isak wanted to say something back, to explain that he wouldn’t ever look at a guy – even if that wasn’t true –, but he just felt happy in his heart about the possibility of tomorrow. And a few minutes later, tiredness took over his body and he slept.

Chapter Text

The next day Isak woke up again in Even's arms and each time that happened the surer he was that this was the best place in the world. He had nowhere to go, and in that second, he wanted to take advantage of his life being upside down, and remained awake and silent, in that embrace.

Even was a mystery to him. Isak didn't understand what had happened last night, he didn't know why he was in bed and crying just because Isak was gone, he also didn't understand why Mikael said Even's brain didn't give him peace. Isak wanted to take care of that sunshine of a boy and remove all the sadness that could enter his heart, that he was sure of.

But how could he do that without seeming gay?

That didn't matter in that second, all that mattered was feeling as much of Even as possible, letting that hug and that boy heal his heart, even if it was just for an instant. As much as he tried to distance himself, his heart couldn’t deny any affection directed at it, it was too greedy to push it away.

Isak saw the sun come up on another day in Norway's winter and knew it must be around 9:00 in the morning. He heard Mikael coming out of the room, smelled coffee, and heard him taking a shower. But with Even not moving, Isak wasn’t ready to move either.

However, the sound of the door closing woke Even. Isak closed his eyes, pretending he hadn't spent hours awake filling himself with love. When Even realized that he was holding Isak, he carefully removed his arm from around his back and placed him on the bed, turning his back towards Isak.

A few minutes later Isak pretended that he was waking up, and said good morning to Even, who curled up even more in the covers.

“Are you all right, Even?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Do you want something to eat? I can bring it here for you.”

“No, I'm sleepy, you can eat whatever you want, but I'm not leaving here.” He spoke while hiding his head under the covers.

Isak got up, changed his clothes, packed his backpack, drank coffee, and went back to Even's room, looking for him under all of those blankets.

“Even, what's going on with you?”

“Nothing, I'm just tired. Have you never been tired enough to sleep all day?”

"No?" Isak said after thinking about it. “Are you sick?” he said, reaching for Even's forehead and touching it, but he couldn't have anything physical, because Isak was literally on top of him seconds ago and he didn't feel anything strange.

“Isak, for someone who doesn't want to be touched, you touch me too much.” With that said Isak withdrew his hand quickly.

“Sorry, I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

“I am, I would just prefer to stay here today. If you want to keep me company, you can.”

“I can't actually, I need to get a job, I told you yesterday, remember?”

“I remember” Even was a little quiet and Isak didn't know if he should still be there or not, as soon as he got to the bedroom door he heard Even talking, “I said I was going to help you. Go get the computer and we can look for a job together.”

“Are you sure?” He waited for an answer that never came and then he leaned on the bed and tried again. "How are you going to do that?" He had to ask, so curious.

“Go get the computer.” Even said emerging from under the covers.

Isak took out his computer and thought it would be a good idea to bring something for Even to eat. He went to the fridge and after picking up some yogurt, he saw a note from Mikael, reminding Even, “don’t forget your meds!”.

"Even" he said, putting the computer and the yogurt on the bed. “Where are your meds?” as Even emerged from the middle of the covers.

“Did Mikael tell you?”

“There is a note in the fridge for you to take your meds. I can get it for you, where are they?”

“You don’t need to! I already took it.” Even said, much too defensive for Isak to believe him.

“Even” Isa moved closer to Even, starting to realize that certain behaviors of his weren't normal, like being happy one day and sad the next, and wondered what was happening. “I think you're lying.”

"Did I ruin someone else?" Isak thought, “I didn't stay long enough to ruin his life, did I? Did I cause so much chaos in his life that in a matter of days he became as crazy as my mother? Or is it God showing his power to me?”

“Even, you need to tell me where your meds are!” Isak used a strong tone that hurt his heart.

“It's in the cabinet above the fridge.”

Isak went back into the kitchen, climbed into the chair, and picked up a box full of labeled meds.

“Do you know which ones you have to take?” Even just shook his head yes, ashamed of the whole scene. “Are you telling me the truth?” He nodded again.

Even took some medicine and asked Isak for a glass of water, as soon as he finished taking it, Isak picked up everything and returned the box to the cupboard. When he went to Even's room the door was locked and his things were outside.

Isak didn't know exactly what to do, he knocked a few times, but he didn't hear any noise. So, he sat on the couch and stayed there until Mikael arrived.

When he came home from classes, at noon, Isak explained that Even had taken the medication. He told him that he had to leave now, and thanked Mikael for letting Isak stay there last night.

And so, Isak was once again on the street, but this time he knew what to do, get a job and a girlfriend so that God would stop punishing Even for sins that Isak committed.

Chapter Text

Isak spent the whole day wandering around the city until he was brave enough to go to UiO. When he entered the college, he remembered his first days there, his dreams of everything that could happen, all the possibilities and an easier life.

He stood at the college door for a while, just watching, and thinking about the Isak from last year, full of dreams and desires, and eager to start his happy and gay life. This Isak no longer existed, he left the day his mother's door closed, and it was very likely that he would never return.

The huge problem about making a deal with God is that the price is too expensive. He couldn't date a girl for a month, or a year even, and then go back to the path he had chosen. He couldn't be gay, ever. Dating a girl would surely turn into a marriage, and then children, God loves reproduction of the species. And then, Isak would live to 80 years old and not one of those years he would experience as gay.

It didn't matter now, to get to his 80s, he had to get a job and a house before the cold and hunger got to him.

Isak wanted to push back these thoughts and walk inside the building before he was overwhelmed about everything he wished for in that place. But he knew that the good times he spent at UiO would continue to plague every step he took. And for that reason, he knew the job would be his, what an easy way for God to hurt Isak's even more, by making him work at a university that he could never study at again.

He first tried the cleaning department, he thought it would be an easy way to get a job, and after staying with his mother, Isak was sure he knew how to do that job well. However, the news that he needed a job spread quickly through college, and before he could actually talk to someone in the cleaning department, the girls in the library summoned him there.

Luckily no one from school went there so he didn't have to worry about running into Jonas or Magnus. But Emma, one of the engineering students who worked at the library, was the first to greet Isak. As he didn’t expect to be back there, he hadn’t come up with a good excuse for why he left college without telling anyone, or for being there looking for a job right now.

“Isak! I miss you; I can't believe you're here!” she said, hugging him, and quickly Isak wondered if he should ask her out on a date so that God would stop testing him with Even.

"Hi, Emma, it's been a while since I saw you," he said, giving her his nicest smile. "How are things going?"

He knew this was the best thing to do, to get her talking about herself and he wouldn’t have to worry about saying anything.

When the head of the library department arrived, Emma finally stopped talking and the two went into the office to talk. 15 minutes later Isak left with a smile on his face and a lot of work to do.

The job was easy, Isak just needed to reshelve books, putting them back in place after the students left them out on tables, checking out books, and helping students to find a particular book. For anyone who was ready to wash the college bathroom, this job was much more than he could have dared to ask God for – if he had the courage to do it again.

Of course, it didn't pay enough for Isak to get a decent place to sleep quickly, but at noon he could have lunch in the college cafeteria, another perk.

Well, it wasn't close to a dream job, but it was so much better than the job that Isak deserved. God must have been happy that he didn't touch Even last night, he probably didn’t hear Isak thinking all night about it, though.

He stayed and worked all day. He carried books back and forth, talked to some students he had never seen before, and ran away from Emma so he wouldn't have to tell her why he had left last year. He even managed to hide some bread in his backpack for later.

When it was time for him to leave, the same old problem reappeared. He should have hit on Emma and tried to sleep with her to have a place to stay the night! "Does God believe in sex before marriage, if it was straight?" Isak thought.

Before he left he said goodbye to his co-workers and waited for Emma to say something. If she hit on him then it would be a sign that he could go to bed with her without adding to his list of sins. But she simply hugged him and said that the next day they needed to talk again.

Well, that was tomorrow’s problem, today's Isak needed a bed.

Isak walked through the streets, was early in the evening, and there were people still outside. He saw little children with their parents, boyfriends holding hands, and serious men glued to the phone. He just watched those scenes, wondering which category he would fit into if nothing bad had ever happened to him.

Going back all the time to the past and imagining different realities was breaking Isak's heart, but at least he knew that somewhere in the universe there was an Isak who was happy, holding his Even’s hand and laughing at his cheesy jokes.

Chapter Text

Isak sat on the same bench as last night, holding his backpack with all his belongings in the world, and waited for the hours to pass. He didn't even realize that he had dozed off when he dreamed of his mother shouting his name, and just as it happened in his house, he woke up scared and ready to go after his mother to see what had happened.

However, the only thing he saw was a man approaching him, trying to grab his backpack. As soon as Isak got up and showed the man how much bigger and taller he was, the man turned and walked away. Isak thought that maybe sleeping in the square wasn’t the best idea he ever had.

So, he needed to fix his second lousy plan and decided to walk all night instead.

Isak started step by step without really thinking about where he was going, just wondering if he could do it all night and still work the next day. While he was inside his head, he didn’t notice that his feet had taken him to the door of Even's building.

He sat there and wondered if he could sneak in behind someone and sleep somewhere inside, but if Mikael found out he would definitely call the police. Then he thought that maybe he could sell his computer and stay in a motel for a few nights, and that seemed like a good idea. Isak got up and started walking to a pawn shop, but after only three steps, he heard Mikael calling him.

“Hi, Isak. Didn't Even open the door for you?” Mikael asked and Isak just looked at him without knowing exactly what to answer. "He must be sleeping again, come on," he said, making Isak follow him.

Isak thought about what that meant, he thought that God must be having fun watching Isak walking around and stressing out about absolutely everything.

"Even will need a few days to get better, I don't know if he told you about all of this?" Isak just shook his head and Mikael was silent for a while as the two went up the stairs. "I just wanted to let you know, if he stays in his room sleeping, you don't have to worry."

"Ok." It was the only thing Isak thought of answering.

The two entered the apartment and Mikael said that he could spend the night on the sofa if Even didn’t want him in his room again. And Isak, trying to be more polite than usual, thanked him many times. He didn’t know exactly why he had gotten a place off the street to sleep, but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

So, he just told Mikael that the sofa was fine for him and that he didn't need to bother Even with that.

Mikael stuck his head inside Even's room asking if everything was okay and telling him that Isak was there again. Isak was sure he would complain and ask him to leave, especially after everything that had happened this morning, but whatever he said, Isak seem to still have a warm place to sleep.

Isak and Mikael had dinner together in silence and after the brunette went to his room, Isak thought it would be polite if he cleaned the house as repayment for everything they were doing for Isak. He then showered and charged his cell phone and computer, not knowing exactly when he could do it again. He went to the laundry room and even though he thought it might be too much, he needed to wash and dry all his clothes.

At two in the morning, he returned to the apartment ready to try to sleep and wishing that he wouldn’t dream about his mother.

As soon as he opened the apartment door, he saw Even leaving his room. The two looked at each other and Isak gave him a little smile, but received nothing in return. While Even walked into the bathroom, Isak started to arrange the sofa for him to sleep on it, and when he was already lying down, Even appeared again causing Isak to sit up to see him. Even in the darkness of that apartment, he found Even, every time.

The taller boy stood looking at Isak for a few seconds until he entered his room, leaving the door open. If a locked door meant that Isak should go, maybe an open door was a sign that Even wanted them to sleep together again.

Isak got up slowly and walked until he reached the door. Even was lying on his back so Isak could watch him for a few moments. Everything was so quiet in that house, and especially in that room. He knew Even was going through something, but even so, he only saw peace there. Or maybe he was so used to all of his mother's confusion that whatever Even had wasn’t enough to make the room tense.

Despite the silence and the peace, he saw outside, the noise inside his head was louder than ever. Everything he wanted most was just a few steps away, but Isak knew he couldn't close the space between them without hurting everyone along the way.

Isak would like to be able to lie with Even again on the bed and hug him until all the bad things went away until his brain gave him peace. Isak would like to be able to lie with Even again in the bed and be hugged all night long.

"How long are you going to keep looking at me?" Even asked.

He wanted to look at Even forever, but he couldn't. "Sorry, I'm leaving."

"No." He heard Even saying, "Stay here with me."

Isak walked slowly and entered under the cover covering his head, just like Even. "I wish nobody would see us here" Isak spoke more to himself than to Even, but the boy heard him.

Even turned his body to Isak, and asked, "What do you want to hide from?"

Isak thought about Even's question, he wanted to hide from everything, from himself, from his desire, and from his brain. He also wanted to hide from God and what he would do if he knew where Isak was, but he mostly wanted to hide with Even.

“Nobody can see us here, under the blanket, Issy. You can say what you want and feel what you want. Here you are safe.” Isak continued to look at Even.

Very slowly he put his hand on his face, and got closer to him, when he saw Even closing his eyes, he thought he could have his first real kiss with a boy. He pressed his thin lips against Even's full ones, but he didn't have the courage to do anything else, but he felt as if his heart was being healed with all the love in that touch, while that little kiss lasted.

But it had to end.

Isak didn't have the courage to look at Even. He apologized, got up, closed the door, and lay on the sofa, waiting for sleep and nightmares to come, but that didn't happen, Isak stayed up most of the night.

Chapter Text

The other day Isak was already awake when Mikael appeared.

"Good morning, Isak," Mikael said with a big smile. "Do you want to eat something for breakfast?" As soon as he finished speaking, Isak's belly answered for him and Mikael laughed. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Isn’t Even going to have coffee with us?" Isak asked a little worried about the repercussions of what he had done yesterday.

"When he is like this, he eats a lot less, if you want to take something for him, you'll save me a try", he replied smiling.

Isak's shift would only start at 10:00, so he had some time to be tempted by Even's beauty and the huge desire to kiss him again and again and again and forever.

So, he gathered the coffee, toast, and jelly and went to Even's room, after he had already eaten. Isak knocked and waited for an answer until Mikael passed by, before leaving, and just opened the door for Isak and said that he could enter.

"Even, I brought you breakfast," he said, placing everything on the table next to the bed and putting his hand where the coffee mug had burned his fingers.

"You don't have to take care of me like I’m a child," he said without moving.

Isak didn’t expect this, in fact, Isak no longer had the slightest idea of what to expect from his life, “I’m not, I just brought you something delicious to eat. Mikael's coffee is really good!” he said in a weak attempt to make something happen.

Even turned his body to Isak, who smiled.

"Did you find a job?" Even asked.

"Yeah!" Isak said proud of himself, and then faded his smile thinking whether pride was a sin or not, he couldn't spend any of his sins on little things, "I'm going to work in the UiO library."

"Soon you’ll be able to get out of here then," he said with absolutely no feeling.

It shouldn't hurt that much, but it did. Isak would like to remain there with his new friends, or maybe not friends, but people who endured him. Would Even still want to be his friend after he left? Probably not, since he was kicking Isak out.

"I’ll..." Isak paused. "Now I'm officially bothering you," he said with a forced chuckle, "and you didn't even warn me, do you see how much better it would be if I could have asked?", he smiled pretending that the whole situation wasn't hurting him.

Even just looked at him for a few seconds, making Isak nervous.

"But don't worry, I'm going to ask for an advance today and I'm sure I won't be here tonight."

Isak was standing on the side of the bed, waiting, dreaming, hoping that Even would say, 'no, no problem, stay forever, lie on my bed and let's get under the covers and kiss until it's time for your shift'. He shouldn't have thought that, he knew God wouldn’t like it, but he never imagined that he would be wanted by anyone, he didn’t even think sexually, just in an affectionate way. He didn’t think that someone would wish to have his company.

Even lifted his body a little, still without saying anything, and took the coffee and toast while Isak was watching him.

"My coffee is better than Mikael's," Even said after he took a sip, "Tomorrow I'll make it for you, what do you think?"

Maybe he had won an olive branch, whatever it was. It made Isak sit on the bed and smile at Even – and, of course, he hoped that God was occupied with something else now.

"Yeah, ok."

"Tell me about your job." Even asked and Isak just shrugged.

“It's nice to be back in college, even if it's far from the classrooms. And being close to books is always a plus”, Isak said, laughing a little.

“Were you studying at UiO?” Isak just shook his head. "You should know people there, don't you?"

"Not really, I studied there for a year, and now it's already been two years since I enrolled, but the girl who works there still remembered me," Isak said smiling

"It's hard to forget you, Isak." Even said nonchalantly and Isak just shook his head. "Why did you stop studying?"

And there it was, the question he never wanted to answer, the past he never wanted to bring up again, the fact so big that its consequences have been following him until now.

"It was because of my mother." He spoke softly and lowered his eyes.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" Even asked, placing his hand on top of Isak's. He wasn't expecting that tenderness and got scared, jumping out of bed quickly. "Sorry, I forgot that you don't like boys touching you." Even said, as if nothing had happened yesterday.

“No, that's not it, I just wasn’t expecting it. Can we talk more when I get back from work? I think I’ll go early, maybe they’ll like me and give me more hours or a raise.” Isak spoke with a little smile and tried to understand why he was trying to be funny now.

Even just nodded his head, and before Isak could leave the room he called him.

"Isak, you're going to be back tonight, right?"

"That was the plan unless you don't want me to come back."

"I want you to come back," he said smiling, " and if you want, you can leave the backpack here, you don't have to carry everything like a little turtle."

Isak just smiled and nodded, going to work with almost no weight on his back.

Nothing exciting happened during his shift and he liked the quiet pace, it was good to have monotonous days. He helped students who showed up, put away books left on tables, and even went to the area of books on biology. He thought it would hurt too much to open a book and remind himself of some of the stuff he studied, but he stayed there just looking.

He had lunch in the college cafeteria and when it was time to leave, he had somewhere to go, even if it was temporary. Isak rang Even's bell, and in a few moments, he was inside the apartment, sitting on his sofa/bed just enjoying a day where nothing bad happened.

Chapter Text

The week passed and Isak was happy. Isak was happy. When was the last time he felt this way? Maybe every time he talked to Even on Twitter. But now it was different, he was happy even when he was away from Even. He really liked his job and his colleagues.

He was happy to wake up and look around, knowing that he was in this room with Even close by, with Mikael close by, and with a steady job waiting for him. He still didn’t sleep all night or managed to have an entire night without nightmares. It was clear that that kiss still appeared in his mind from time to time, but he struggled to suppress and continue his heterosexual life.

Even Even looked like he was getting better. Whatever he had, it seemed to have passed. After the day Isak brought him breakfast in bed and the two talked, he could see changes in Even's behavior. He was leaving the room more and eating with Mikael and Isak.

It really had been a good week.

 When the weekend came, Isak, as usual, got up before everyone else and left the room as clean as possible, like he hadn't spent the night there. He still didn't have the courage to make food in the kitchen, but he helped in every other way he could, always more than grateful to be able to stay there.

After everything was fixed, Isak decided to read a literature book that he had taken from the library. He didn't have the courage to turn on the television and risk making noise, the more invisible he was, the longer he could stay there. That was what Isak always thought. But reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe was a good way to pass the time until Monday.

A few hours later, Even came out of his room with a smile much bigger than the one from the last few days.

"Halla." he said, sitting next to Isak. "What are you reading?" Isak just lifted the book and showed him the cover, which made him smile. "Do you know what this book is about?"

“Not really, I did the first thing we learn not to do and I judged the book by its cover,” he said laughing and shrugging, “I thought it was beautiful and I took it.”

"It's a good book, tell me later if you like it." Isak just nodded his head. "I'm going to make coffee; do you want some?"

"Can I help you?" It wasn't a good idea to stay close to Even’s side like that, but it was the crumbs of love that Isak let his heart accept.

"Of course!" Even replied happily.

The two made coffee and toasted some bread to eat. Isak asked if it was better to wait for Mikael but Even said he never wakes up before noon on weekends.

After Isak washed the dishes, Even asked him to go to the market with him. He wanted to buy something nice for lunch, and if Isak wanted he could help Even cook.

Isak wasn’t used to so much attention and as much as he was afraid of getting addicted to that feeling and then losing it, it was impossible to just walk away from that sunshine of a boy.

They walked on the street all morning, buying different vegetables and spices that Isak had never heard of. His mother wasn’t a good cook, she did enough to keep them from going hungry, but spending time in the kitchen wasn’t an event at Isak's house, in fact, nothing was.

His mother, however, liked to make tea. She bought different types and tried them all by telling Isak which ones were better. At that moment Isak wondered where his mother was, and if his father had made enough tea to make her happy.

When they arrived at the apartment, Mikael was lying on the couch eating and had made a mess of crumbs, but Isak knew he had no right to complain, so he just said hi and the two boys went to the kitchen.

They made ratatouille and Even got a chicken that they cooked using a special recipe from Even’s mother. It was hard not to think about Even's family and how he probably had grown up with so much love and delicious food there. That made him into this boy full of love in his heart, and impossible to resist.

After lunch and a lot of complaining from Mikael, they ended up watching Romeo + Julliet in the living room. Isak and Even sat on the floor, while Mikael dozed on the sofa. They made popcorn and continued making a mess of everything that Isak had cleaned in the morning. But he wasn’t really mad, because a few minutes after the movie started, Even took the bedcover from his room and threw it over them. Isak snuggled close to Even – thinking that under the covers, no one could see them. He was even brave enough to hold Even's hand.

It was a great Saturday.

When it was almost 10 pm Mikael decided to go out with some friends from his class and asked Isak and Even if they wanted to go. Isak was absolutely sure that he couldn’t go to a bar with people drinking and sinning without making God take notice and get angry, so he politely declined the invitation. And, Even, said he still didn't feel like going to a bar.

So, the two stayed home alone. Isak had already learned how to be a good boy, and he wouldn’t do anything that the Bible said was a sin. He started to tidy up the room so he could read and sleep until he felt Even's hand holding his arm.

"You know you don't have to clean up the house every day, right?"

"I wanted to repay you somehow, I thought it would be a good idea to clean up, but I shouldn't do it without asking beforehand, sorry."

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. You don’t need to apologize. You are our guest; you don't have to worry about repaying anything or cleaning.”

"I am very grateful for what you are doing for me." again, Even went to put his hand on Isak’s hair and had to stop halfway. "And I also need a place to sleep," he said laughing. “It’s a mess in here!”

"Come to my bed, tomorrow we'll clean it." Yes! It was all Isak wanted, but after spending an entire afternoon holding Even's hand and glued to his body, Isak thought it might not be the best idea to share a bed with the other boy.

"Even, you know I don't think that’s right."

“But we slept together the other day,” Even said, frowning, “I promised I wouldn't touch you and I kept my promise.”

Isak knew he hadn't touched him, because it was Isak who couldn't help himself the last time and had sinned with Even.

"I know, but you know what the Bible says, don't you?" Even just shook his head and Isak was going to start quoting the bible, but he thought it would be too cruel, it was enough that he feared God and his book, nobody else should. "It says that we shouldn't do that."

"But we didn't do anything wrong, Isak, come on, let's go." Even said walking to the bedroom door and stopping in front of it, waiting for Isak.

Isak shouldn't go, he knew what was going to happen, but, again, his feet took him to Even. They went in and Isak, without thinking too much about it, closed the door and lay on the bed.

"You shouldn't be so tense with the things the Bible says, Isak, you are a good person, God isn’t going to punish you for everything." Even said, also lying on the bed.

 "I don't know if I want to bet on it, I have too much to lose," Isak said thinking about what God could do to his mother and even to Even, if he didn’t comply with his side of the agreement.

"What do you have to lose?" Even wouldn't understand, even if he explained.

Isak was aware that what he was doing wasn’t the most rational thing in the world, but somewhere in his brain, he was sure that he had been allowed to leave that house because he had agreed to live a good life. God wanted him to be straight and if he didn't follow the agreement, he might return to that hell? No, Isak preferred to remain a good boy or, at least, try very hard.

"Nothing. I shouldn't have said anything”, Isak didn't want Even to think he was as crazy as his mother, he just wanted to stay there and finish out this nice day.

"Do you think you're going to hell?" Even asked, putting the blanket over them.

"Yeah, that too. I'm more afraid of what God can do to me while I'm still alive, and to the people I care about.” Isak spoke with courage after being so hidden from the world.

"What do you think he is going to do?"

"Do I really need to talk about this?" Isak asked quietly.

"Perhaps." Again, Even went to touch Isak's face and gave up. “Sometimes the things we learn in the church and in the Bible make us sad about who we are and it’s not fair. I don't believe that God really wouldn’t be concerned about sending you to hell or punishing you for anything, you are such a good person, Isak. You try so hard to do everything right. God is not so merciless.”

This made Isak cry.

He wanted, with all his strength, to believe in everything Even was telling him, but he knew the truth, he knew the contract he made and everything that happened inside that house. Isak knew that he should continue on the right path so that nothing more horrible could happen.

He closed his eyes and stayed there with Even, until he felt the other boy putting his hand on Isak’s face – which made him cry more. Even dried his tears, stroked his hair and pulled his body closer to him slowly until Isak was lying on top of his chest, and hid them completely under the blanket.

Even was holding Isak's entire body, every little part of him was feeling the warmth of the other boy, and that gradually made him relax and his tears dried up. It was addictive to have Even curled around him, so close to him. The closer he was, the more Isak wanted, and maybe, because of that, or because Isak was so tired of controlling himself every day of his life, he lifted his body a little bit and looked into Even’s eyes.

The other boy just looked back, not moving, waiting for Isak to take the next step, and unfortunately, that's what he did. He lifted his body a little more, until he was close to Even's face, and kissed him. He started with a small kiss, just to quench his thirst, but then he couldn't stop, he pressed another kiss into his lips and another, and then finally decided to open his mouth and deepen the kiss.

As soon as he felt Even's tongue, however, he thought he was losing all control of the situation and pulled back, apologizing again. He tried to put some distance between them, but the other boy just held him.

"Another sleepless night." Isak thought, but the truth was that after a few minutes, the sound of Even’s breathing and the pleasant heat from his body enveloped Isak and he slept.

Chapter Text

On Sunday, Isak woke up much later than usual. He was still wrapped in the arms of Even, who was watching some video on his cell phone. As soon as he realized where he was, he jumped away from him.

“Sorry, Even! I didn't realize that I was lying on top of you.” He spoke quickly, sitting up and blushing at the whole situation.

"That’s ok." Even said as he smiled and turned his body to Isak. "I don’t want to get out of bed today, how about we stay here?"

"What would Mikael think?" This made Even laugh.

“Nothing, I don't even think he’s home. Whenever he leaves, he ends up sleeping at someone else's house.” Isak's eyes widened. “There is no slut-shaming in this house, Isak!”

Isak shook his head no, "Sorry, I just didn't expect that."

"How were you in college and still find casual sex weird?" Even asked. "Or, do you don’t accept it because of the Bible?"

"I don't care if other people don't follow what the Bible says." He said with a shrug.

Until recently not even Isak cared much about all the commandments and the innumerable rules, but after spending all that time with his mother repeating those horrible words and, furthermore, with his contracts with God, Isak had begun to respect the rules much more.

"I don't think I'm used to seeing people disrespect the Bible, that's all," Isak said. “I'm not used to seeing many people, I spent a lot of time at home with my mom.”

“How long did you stay with your mom after leaving college?” Isak didn’t like to remember those months, he wanted to suppress everything that happened at his mother's house.

"Almost a year." He said feeling his body slump on Even’s side.

"Why did you have to stop going to college to stay with her?" Even asked very quietly.

After a long sigh, Isak decided that it was enough information that he had given Even, "can we talk about something else?"

"Of course, but if you want to talk about it, it might help lift some of the weight so it would not be so heavy on your heart." Even spoke while running his hand through Isak’s hair, a habit that seemed too difficult for Even to stop, and even more for Isak to keep asking him not to do it.

"I don't know if there’s anything I can say that will improve the situation."

"Your mother’s or yours?"

Isak thought about the question for a few moments, “Both, I think. My mom ... she has something.”

“What do you mean?” Isak could no longer look at Even while he said those things so he kept his gaze on the other boy's pajama top and was desperate to touch him and receive affection.

"I don't really know, but I think she has a mental issue."

Isak watched Even's body move away from him a little and had to look at his face, Even seemed surprised by the information.

"Yeah, sorry, I am more work than I'm worth, I know," Isak said with a little laugh trying to lighten everything with humor. He shouldn't have told him anything. “I shouldn't have told you anything. She's not violent or anything, moreover, she doesn't know that I'm here and it won't be a problem for you and Mikael, don't worry. Also, I bet I can find a place to stay tomorrow, I was thinking of selling my computer, I don't do anything with it anymore, and with the job I’ll have a monthly income, everything is ok, Even. Nobody wants to be friends with people who have as many problems like me, I understand. I'm going to the living room, okay? Is it okay if I stay here another day?”

When Isak finished his speech, Even grabbed him by the arm until he hugged his entire body.

"I'm glad you told me," Even said quietly close to Isak's ear, "you're a great person, Isak, and I'm sure you’re a great son" Isak shook his head remembering the times his mother was hurt or when she ran away. "You are." Even gave Isak a peck on his head.

Whenever Isak received those affections from Even, his heart got scared and he wanted to cry. Perhaps going so long without hugging anyone had a lot of downsides and this time, for some reason, Isak chose not to hold back crying.

“You may have some issues to be solved, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to have friends and that everyone will abandon you when they hear about your life. I’m here, I want to know you and share my life with you too, ok?" Even asked and Isak just nodded his head, very shy of the whole situation. "Now, you have to stop treating yourself as disposable, you are not a bother and you’ll stay here for as long as you need to, so stop trying to leave my house and my heart!" He gave more little kisses on Isak’s head.

"I don't understand why you put up with me," Isak said so quietly that if he wasn’t glued to Even's body, he wouldn't have realized that something had been said.

“Because, for me, you are very special. I knew it from the beginning, from when I found you on Twitter. There is something inside your heart, Isak, that I want to know, if you let me.”

Isak looked at Even's face for a few seconds. He saw his blue eyes, his plump lips, and the little smile that was always there. He really wanted to kiss that boy. Isak put his hand on Even's face and did the same caress that he was starting to get used to receive from Even, and he just closed his eyes and accepted.

If Isak was younger, if he hadn’t been through so much, if his promise to God wasn’t holding him back, he would try to kiss him now. A real kiss and not a hidden one. Instead, he removed his hand from Even's face a few moments later, and said very quietly, afraid of the possibility that God may hear him, "Can we stay in bed all day?"

"We can," Even replied with a kiss on his head.

Chapter Text

After spending the most sinful Sunday in the world, Isak decided to go to work earlier that day, ready to ask Emma out and start the last chapter of his life, to be officially heterosexual.

He got up from Even’s bed and gave him a kiss on the head – just a last kiss before he started kissing girls – and told him that he would go to work early, but would be back home in the afternoon.

As soon as he left Even's room, Isak found Mikael leaving his room. "I think it would be easier for you to take your things to Even's room and clear the living room for us, you live there anyway," Mikael said laughing.

"I'm not gay, Mikael!" Isak replied angrily, frowning at the brunette.

"Calm down, Isak, you don't have to be so defensive, I don't care if you are. I’m bi."

"But I'm not! And I don't like that you keep saying that I am! I'm straight and I like girls!”

"Okay, you can be anything you want to, no one inside this house cares," Mikael said with a little smile.

"I care and I don't want you to say that about me!"

Isak didn't understand how everyone there could be so calm about being publicly out of the closet, and that seemed more like a God test. Each day was a different test, God should have something more on his agenda than torturing Isak.

He went to work angry, without having breakfast, which greatly worsened the situation. As soon as he got to college, Emma appeared all excited by his side, and Isak's first thought was "who looks like this on a Monday?" and then he wondered what it would be like to date her.

The rest of the day Isak analyzed Emma. She was, aesthetically, beautiful, with dark eyes and short black hair. She was shorter and thinner than Isak. It was a good choice as she would look good by his side, besides her short hair was a plus, she wouldn't look so feminine if he closed his eyes.

As soon as Isak thought about that, he knew that God had listened, he couldn't be with a girl thinking about a boy. But since she was quite the opposite of Even, maybe he had a chance to make God happy.

Before he returned home, Isak asked Emma if she would like to go out with him on Friday, to some very cheap place, because he hadn’t received a paycheck yet. For some reason, she thought it was funny what he said and laughed before accepting and hugging Isak.

Isak was already regretting it, but as it seemed like something difficult to do, it would be the right choice for God, and that was all he wanted. He would go out with her on Friday and maybe this meant that he could stay with Even a little while longer without any divine intervention.

Back at Even’s, he realized that for the first time he was alone inside the apartment. Even had given Isak a key and this time he accepted it, thankfully, because he didn't want to have to wait outside with fear of never being able to enter again.

But being there alone was a little strange.

Isak walked around the house, filled with curiosity to go inside Mikael's room, but gave up. He did, however, enter Even's room. He looked at the walls filled with drawings, some happy and colorful, others sad, he even found the drawing he liked to see on Twitter. Isak knew he couldn't do that, but he opened the closet and just looked at what Even kept there. And there was nothing outside the ordinary, just his drawing supplies.

As soon as he closed the door, he thought about what he had expected to find in the closet. Perhaps because Even wasn’t straight, Isak was curious to see the life of those kinds of people, but it was exactly like Isak's, or almost, if he had a closet.

Isak did something worse and opened Even's dresser drawers, in the first drawer there were several wires and headphones; some pens and books scattered; and legless glasses. In the other drawer, there was only an almost finished perfume.

The LGBT world looked too much like his own.

After looking into the life of the person who only helped him, Isak decided to leave the room and take a shower, enjoying that there was nobody in the house and he wouldn’t have to worry about taking a fast shower or dressing in the bathroom and wetting the hem of his pants.

In the middle of the shower, Isak decided to use Even's shampoo; until then he had used the soap that the boys had given him, but today, he had been a little more daring, he had gone through everything else already, using his shampoo was no big deal at this point.

What Isak didn't imagine – or what he thought about all these days and maybe unconsciously knew it was going to happen – was that having the smell of Even so close to him would make him more excited in the shower than he should be.

Isak was a normal boy, and as a normal boy he had masturbated before, of course. Not always thinking about girls, or maybe just once, Fiona from Shameless, but quickly her image disappeared and it was just her boyfriend from the first season. However, after having spent that hellish season stuck at his mother's house, he hadn’t done it again.

And now, he felt his entire body heating up even more because of images of Even appearing, from his lips to those giant hands and his chest that Isak always felt when he was lying on top of him.

Isak imagined kissing Even, just like Saturday, but without stopping when the kiss deepened. He thought about wrapping his arms around his neck and standing on the tip of his toes to reach his mouth, and then, what would Even do? He would hold Isak, making the two bodies as close as possible, and Isak would feel his dick getting hard, just from the kiss, and Even would lay him on the bed and speak beautiful words to him while he undressed and ... Isak came on the bathroom floor.

He finished the shower and cleaned everything, but his brain was still full of Even and he decided to do the last wrong thing of the week, “what a long day”, he thought, before lying in Even's bed while looking at the drawings he had given it to Isak in the hospital.

Chapter Text

"Hi, goldilocks" Even said in Isak's ear when he saw him in his bed.

Isak was lying face down on the bed and opened just one eye to see what was going on and he saw the sun. Even was smiling with his eyes shining and his canines showing. It made Isak smile too.

"Are you okay?" Even asked quietly and Isak just shook his head a little, not wanting to move much.

"I'm sleepy." He said and closed his eyes again.

Isak felt Even's hands on his cheek, passing his brow and finally his hair, and all the while he was smiling.

“Just one more nap and then you have to have dinner, you can't get skinny again, ok?” Isak just hummed and remained motionless.

A little while later, the smell of lasagna filtered through to the room, waking him up with a growling belly.

"I thought I was going to have to drag you out of bed, Isak!" Even said laughing, when he arrived in the kitchen.

"I'm sorry I slept in your bed, I'm sorry I got in there, actually." He said embarrassed, running his hand over his neck. And in response, Even only gave the dishes in his hand so that he could place them on the table.

“Stop apologizing,” he said, giving Isak a kiss on his forehead, which made his eyes widen. The deal – which he had done with himself – was that this morning's kiss would be the last. Even couldn’t keep tempting him like that.

"I thought it didn’t matter anymore, since you did the same thing this morning." Even looked at Isak in confusion.

“I shouldn't have done it. Can we go back to how we were before? No hugs and kisses?”

"No hugs and kisses?" Even repeated and Isak just nodded. Even though Even seemed to hate the idea, he agreed and took the lasagna to the table calling Mikael.

"So, what did you do today to make you so tired?" Even asked and Mikael was attentive to the conversation.

"Nothing much." Isak said with a shrug, "I don't think I'm used to working yet." He spoke, laughing.

“And how are things at work? Even told me that you are in the UiO, is there someone nice to talk to?” Mikael asked.

Isak didn't know exactly how Even felt about him. Of course, he wanted a love just like the movies to happen between them, but it wasn't going to happen. He wanted to feel less awkward every time he looked at Even, and with absolute certainty, he didn't want to masturbate thinking about him. But he didn't know what Even's feelings were.

Even hugged him, helped him, and always said nice things to him, but he was the kind of guy who did those things to everyone. Isak didn’t think he was special for having Even's love, he just thought Even was the biggest sun in the galaxy.

For one thing, in a place deep in his brain, he wished God didn’t see, he wanted Even to be jealous of the fact that he was going out with a girl. Isak knew it didn't make any sense. He wanted Even, but he was going to date a girl because of God, and regardless, he wanted Even to be jealous and show him his real feelings.

Of course, that was the most selfish thing in the world. Even if Even wanted him, Isak couldn't want him back, he would have to choose a girl, no matter if it was Emma or not, it would have to be another, any other, God wasn’t too picky about it, just a heterosexual relationship would save his soul.

"I have," Isak said, smiling, "a friend of mine from the time I was studying there, Emma." Isak took another bite of lasagna, building up the courage to continue and see Even's reaction, "I asked her out on Friday." Even said nothing, just kept eating, while Mikael was excited about the news.

"Seriously? And where are you going to take her?” Mikael asked.

"I don't know, I have almost no money and ... maybe I didn't think it through when I asked her out," Isak said with a shrug and waited for Even to say something.

"Are you in love, Isak?" Mikael said laughing "You couldn't even wait for the first paycheck to arrive?"

"Yeah, something like that," Isak said, looking at Even. "What do you think, Even?"

"About what?" he replied seriously.

"About where I should take Emma." Isak was waiting for a reaction, but Even just shrugged.

"I haven't dated a girl in a while." Even said getting up and placing the plate on the sink. "If you want, you can bring her here ..." he said with a shrug "it's cheap." Isak just nodded slowly and saw Even disappear into his room and closed the door.

He wanted to know what that was, what had happened but, Isak thought, it was very likely that he just wanted to have his bed for himself to sleep in peace, without Isak getting in the way.

Chapter Text

And I present to you: Rosalita, the kitty! it's impossible not to love her hahahahahaha

This is another beautiful, beautiful art that Elliot did for my story! I was sooooo happy when he chose to draw her

The week went by a little strange since he talked about Emma, Isak felt that Even was distancing himself from him.

During that week, he slept on the couch every night and just saw Even during breakfast. He didn't like it at all. It felt like another part of his heart had broken and was now bleeding everywhere he went.

However, Isak knew that he had no right to demand attention, so he just continued about his days. Every morning he woke up, had coffee with Even and sometimes Mikael, worked until 17:00, and he would return home and talk to Mikael, at least the boy was becoming more amiable towards Isak.

During that week, Isak realized that a kitten was keeping him company, every time he left the house, there it was, and then when he returned home the cat was already at the door. It was a black kitten, but Isak thought it was a good omen nonetheless.

On Friday he borrowed some money from Mikael so he could take Emma to dinner and have a kebab with her. It sure wasn't romantic, and the idea of borrowing money made Isak uncomfortable, but truth be told it was the only thing he could do, so he tried not to overanalyze what was going on and just went out with her.

Isak hated everything.

He hated that he took a girl he didn't even know to a place that was just his and Jonas's, hated that he had to kiss her at the end of the night and almost went into her house when she invited him. He hated that he was following God's plan and going out with a girl, hated that she seemed to have a lot of fun with him and hated, mainly, the fact that they had just had their first date.

He felt defeated coming back home, walking slowly and thinking about Jonas and Even. God must have heard it because it started raining, and Isak had to run to the building. The kitten, which Isak named Rosalita, wasn’t at the door, waiting to greet Isak, and for some reason, this made him even sadder.

Inside the apartment, he was alone with his thoughts.

Isak didn't think it was easy for him to be around other people, he never knew if he was acting straight enough, or if anyone was going to ask about his personal life. But being alone inside Even's apartment was even worse right now.

He started to remember the immense loneliness he felt when he was at his mother's house and decided to hide in Even's bedroom again, after taking a quick shower to warm up. In a few minutes, Even's scent embraced his body and he fell asleep, but not for long.

Isak woke up some time later when he heard the door slam and the laughter of Even and someone else. Not knowing exactly what to do, he remained static until Even entered his room, kissing a boy. And as soon as Isak sat on the bed, Even saw him.

"Isak, what are you doing here?" he asked, startled. "Didn't you have a date today?" Isak nodded.

"Is he your boyfriend?" the boy asked.

“No, this is Isak, he lives here too. Isak this is Haakon.” The two shook their heads awkwardly.

"Sorry, I shouldn't be here," Isak said, getting up fast and leaving the room, watching Even close the door.

The thought that Even was with another boy on the other side of the door made him uncomfortable in every way. He wanted to be there, he wanted to be Haakon, and he wanted to be a girl so he could be with Even.

He walked around the apartment a little, not knowing exactly what to do; he tried to read a book, but the few sighs he heard every now and then made him horny and sad, and that was the worst mix of feelings in the world.

It was too late for him to leave, and since the night he almost slept outside the house he started to be afraid of leaving and not being able to come back. Yet, he had to do something and opened the window, letting the cold in and changing the air of the apartment. As he looked down, he saw Rosalita there, meowing, so he took some milk and went to sit at the door of the building with her.

The life of a cat should be easier than the life of a human being, they just walk all day, and if they find someone who want to take care of them, they brush in their legs, look needy and cute until they received affection and the moment they didn’t want that human anymore, the cat would just leave.

Isak's life wasn’t easy even on his best days. He was always thinking about how to act and how to talk to people. To have no choice whether if he should leave or not, that choice was always made for the others sake. He always felt like he didn’t matter. "When are you leaving me, Rosalita?" he asked while stroking the cat's head. But she just jumped on his lap and laid down.

The two stayed there until the cold was bothering Isak too much, so he said goodbye to Rosalita and, he didn’t wish but really wanted, that Even and Haakon had already finished having sex.

When Isak laid on the couch, he heard them both whispering and sometimes laughing. It was easier to pretend that no sex had happened, so he just flipped with his back to the room and tried, unsuccessfully, to sleep.

Chapter Text

The boy Even brought home that night continued to show up for the entire month. Sometimes they stayed with Isak and Mikael in the living room and sometimes they went straight to the bedroom. Isak didn't know what he preferred, maybe neither.

As Isak knew that Haakon would always be there, he preferred to spend more time with Emma and Rosalita. He walked Emma to her house every night after work and, at first, Isak had to make excuses for not entering her house, but as time went by, she stopped inviting him.

Even though he managed to escape from Emma's house and what she would like to do there, he still had to kiss her and realized how much Emma liked to be kissed. When Isak arrived at work, it was a kiss followed along with a ‘hi’, then at lunch more kisses until it was time to go back to work, and more when he took her home.

Almost always, Even and his lips appeared in his mind and he tried more than anything to keep him out of there, to just think and feel Emma, a girl, who liked Isak and was there in front of him, he shouldn’t need anyone else. In a few years, he would get married and that was that, his job on earth would be done, but until then he had his suspicions that his heart would continue hurting.

However, his job on earth wasn’t done yet; and he had to keep kissing Emma and running away from Even and his new boyfriend.

With the start of the new month, Emma had made it more than clear that she was ready to have sex. Isak, on the other hand, knew that he would never be ready for that.

“I don't care about taking it slow, Isak. But it's weird that we haven’t done anything yet, don't you think?” She asked from time to time and Isak shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, not really sure what was the right answer. "I think it's cute that you don't pressure me about it," she said, giving more kisses, "but it's time".

After trying his best to get out of the situation, he knew there was no way out. And then, after a month of dating – although Isak didn’t remember asking her to be his girlfriend – he was going to lose his virginity to a girl, and he was really annoyed about it.

He couldn't talk to Even about it, of course, and he even tried to ask Mikael, but he was afraid he would laugh at Isak's inexperience. He really wished for Jonas to be around, to ask him what to do, how to do it and all the other details he needed to complete this last task God had asked from him.

He wanted to have more friends to talk to, in high school he was always surrounded by people, but, truth be told, he never spoke to anyone about real things, he just drank and played video games. It still felt nice. Isak missed who he used to be, he missed it every day.

None of that mattered much now. What mattered was that Isak needed tips to have sex, and apparently, the only person who would listen to him was Rosalita, the cat.

During that month, in addition to spending a lot of time with Emma, he started spending a lot of time sitting on the door of the building, with the kitten. After researching some videos, he discovered that she was still a baby cat and Isak felt even closer to her. Two children left to survive alone, even though Isak thought that Rosalita was doing a better job than he was.

Sometimes, Mikael sat beside Isak to pet the cat, but Even only saw them when he went in or out of the building.

At first, this made Isak sad, but that was the right thing to do, Even would marry Haakon and Isak would marry Emma, and that was it. As he didn’t distanced from Even himself, the older boy did it first, he took it as a sign that God made Even move away from him, it was fair, and Isak preferred like that, as it hurt only his heart. It was better this way.

And then, the dreaded Friday came, the day that Isak would no longer be a virgin and finally be straight.

He tried imagined having sex with a girl once. All he knew about it was what he watched in movies, and even that was too little information. He could research as he did to all the other things he needed to learn, but what was he going to ask? Sex 101? He would try his best, and if it was awful and she broke up with him, well, then he could move on to the next girl with a little more experience.

He didn't like to think of Emma as someone disposable, but the problem was that the more time he spent with her and the more things they both did, the more he hated her. He didn't want to, but that was what was happening.

So, at 8:00 pm, he arrived at Emma's house and this time he entered. She offered him wine and he drank two glasses in less than 10 minutes, which made her laugh.

She came close to him and ran her fingers over his lip saying that they would turn purple if he kept drinking like that. Then she kissed him. Isak liked that he never had to take the first step with Emma, she always did everything, maybe because she realized that he wouldn’t do it himself.

After she had kissed him a proper amount of time, she made him follow her into the bedroom, laid on the bed and pulled Isak’s hand with her

It was now, Isak had to do something. Maybe take off his pants and try to get hard, the rest, Emma would solve it by herself. Except, who would have imagined that getting hard would be so difficult? Isak’s body was laying on top of Emma, kissing her for a while, trying to get hard, but nothing happened.

Emma flipped them, making him lie on the bed and began to run her hand over his body and over his dick, while Isak closed his eyes and struggled. Even would appear in his thoughts sometimes, Mikael said ‘hi’ too and when Jonas appeared, he started to think that he wouldn’t be able to do this without thinking of a boy. After a humiliating amount of time passed, Isak just asked her to stop.

Chapter Text

Isak sat on the bed feeling terrible.

Having sex was going to be proof that he was straight, getting hard because of a girl. There is nothing in the world that would prove it more to God than that moment and Isak had screwed it up. Of course, he would.

He felt like he was going to have another panic attack, and that was the worst thing that could happen now, so, regardless if God was watching or not – and of course he was –, Isak began remembering how Even calmed him down and even with Emma around talking over and over, in his head, he managed to listen the boy's words saying that everything was okay, that he was safe – maybe that last part wasn't all true, but he calmed down nonetheless.

"Did you hear me, Isak?" Suddenly Isak was back in the world, breathing normally and feeling a horrible shame for not being able to carry on with the sex part – or even start it.

"No, I’m sorry, what did you ask?" Isak asked Emma tiredly.

“I didn't ask for anything, honey. I just said that these things happen and you don't have to worry. It may be stress.”

Yes, it must be it.

Isak nodded, “You’re right, I need to get out of the apartment I’m staying at, you know? I've been thinking about it a lot, but I don't know how to find another place to live, I have almost nothing saved up. Maybe all of this has interfered with what we were trying to do.” He spoke, gesturing to the bed.

"You don't have to worry; you can live with me."

Isak was sitting on the edge of the bed with his feet on the floor, while Emma was behind him talking and patting him on the back, but when she said that, he felt like he was going to fall into another abyss. Living with Emma inside that house, having sex in that bed, waking up every day and looking at her face and then having to go to work with her, for the rest of his life.

Isak turned his body over to face her, "Are you sure about this?"

"Of course, I know we have been together for a short time, but I love you and I am your girlfriend."

Isak had never said the L word to anyone, only to his mother, but maybe she didn’t count. And when Emma spoke, with so much love in her eyes, Isak didn't know how to respond. Or ok, he knew what to say, but it wouldn’t be an appropriate response for that moment.

“Thanks for letting me stay here, Emma. I don't know if it’s a good idea, I’ll bother you and you must like the freedom of living alone, don't you?”

"Not really, it would be nice to have a man with me, to keep me company and cuddle while I sleep." She spoke laughing and Isak, for the first time, agreed with her, he also liked to sleep with a man. He then smiled at his thought and nodded with his head.

Emma clapped her hands and hopped over to pick up the rest of the wine to celebrate.

"Tomorrow, then, you bring your things here and you will be officially living with your girlfriend." She said giving a kiss and cheered while holding the wine classes.

After, Emma and Isak tried to have sex again, Emma said that now that everything was settled it would be easier.

They lay on the bed and while Emma took off Isak's pants again and tried to suck him, he was just looking at the room, thinking that this wasn’t how he imagined his first time. Even though he didn't want to admit it, he wanted something very romantic, with candles, music and someone of the right gender.

But nothing happened again.

Emma finally gave up and the two of them cuddled on the bed until Emma fell asleep. She had her head on Isak's chest and her arms on his stomach, she even wrapped her legs around his, and Isak couldn't stop thinking about Even and how he wanted to be like this with him.

 Spending a sleepless night for Isak was no big deal. The problem that night in particular, was that Even was constantly appearing in his thoughts, Isak saw his smile, felt his kisses on his forehead, on his cheek and mouth, and imagined his arms holding him.

He wanted Even, and he was more than tired of denying it, despite that, perhaps because tiredness was coming and leaving him unbalanced, it would be a good idea to live with a girl and ward off temptations. Isak thought that if he stayed away, living with a girl, having sex and everything else that straight couples did, God would disappear.

At dawn, Emma turned her body to the other side, and Isak ran out and hid in the bathroom. He felt that if he would stay in that place for a long time, it would be good to get used to it.

Isak looked in the mirror and tried to remember what 15-year-old Isak thought would happen 5 years later; would his younger self recognize this Isak? Sometimes it seemed like he didn't even recognize himself when he looked in the mirror, he was just a fraction of what he once was.

Isak.

Issy.

It didn’t matter.

Isak sat on the floor and leaned his back against the locked door, and ended up falling asleep there. He only woke up when Emma started knocking on the door, startling him.

"Hi, Emma."

“Is everything okay, Isak? You’ve been there for a long time.” Maybe he wouldn't be able to hide there after all.

"It is," Isak said, opening the door and giving her his best smile. "I'm going to Even's house to get my things and I'll be back later," Isak said, smiling and pretending that he hadn't slept in the bathroom to get away from his girlfriend.

Isak couldn't take it anymore, he needed space and peace, more than anything, he wanted to see Even for one last time before locking himself in another house.

"But, honey, it is 10:00 am, you can go later!" Emma said laughing, while Isak was already putting on his clothes.

"No, it is better I go now, the sooner I’m gone, the sooner I’m back!" He said smiling and giving Emma a kiss before running out.

Apparently, last night had been very cold, the ground was full of snow, and Isak thought about his Rosalita and ran home, finding only a little head in the snow.

This was the last thing he needed for his world to end. He lost another friend. He sat on the step and held the kitten in his hands trying to warm it up, but he wasn’t sure what he was doing.

Some tears wanted to fall, but he was trying to hold them back. He was just petting Rosalita in the back and asking her to get better. After a few moments, he heard the door open and Haakon appeared with Even following him.

Isak nodded his head at the two and when Even gave Haakon a long hug, Isak just turned his face away. He didn’t want to see the two of them kissing and didn't want to see Even walking away from him.

However, Even sat next to him.

"What happened?"

"I think Rosalita is dead," Isak replied very quietly, holding back the tears.

Chapter Text

"Are you sure?" Even asked, looking at Isak after spending weeks ignoring him.

"She's freezing cold, what should I do, Evy?" His eyes were already filled with tears, but he would not let them fall.

"Let's go in." Even said putting his hands on top of Isak's hand holding Rosalita.

Even withdrew one hand to place on Isak's back and gave him some comfort. As soon as they reached the apartment, Even helped Isak take off his coat and set them on the floor next to the heater.

"Stay here, I will be back to help you warm up Rosalita." The only thing Isak was able to do was to look at him and he let the tears finally fall.

Isak was a little surprised by how lucky he was to have met Even, in a world with 7 billion people, he had managed to find him; but at the same time, he felt that it was God who liked to show him what he would never truly have.

While waiting for Even to return, Isak continued petting Rosalita and calling out to her, asking her to wake up. Isak didn’t know if it had been 5 minutes or half an hour since Even had left but ever since he saw Rosalita in the snow, it seemed that the world was going a little slower and much darker.

Even came back with a towel, wrapped her and left again. A few moments later he came back with the pan that he used to make lasagna and more towels and socks filled with rice heated in the microwave. He slowly took Rosalita from Isak's hands and placed her in the warm cocoon he had made.

"She’ll be better soon enough, Isak." As beautiful as Even's smile was, Isak wasn’t so optimistic that it was the truth, and that the cat wouldn’t die, so he shook his head no.

"She’s not going to get better; she’s going to die." He said looking at the kitten. "Everything I find I manage to ruin, I did it to you, to my mother, and now, even to a street cat." His world was ending, and God wanted to take everything from him. He wouldn’t have Even and he wouldn't have Rosalita anymore either.

"Isak." Even put his hand on Isak's back and tried to get him to lean on his body, but it didn't work. "You didn't ruin me, I'm here." He said smiling when Isak looked at him.

“But we’re no longer friends. And it's okay, I came here just to get my things, I'm going to live with my girlfriend.” When Isak said that more tears came out, maybe he was no longer a good liar, God must have taken away his ability to do so just to make him more helpless.

"We are friends, I ... well, I shouldn't have stayed away from you all this time, I’m sorry." As he spoke, he gave Isak a kiss on the head, and because of the fact that Even was with another man, it didn’t make him feel as before. "I thought it was the right thing to do."

"No need to apologize." Isak spoke, finally leaning against Even, feeling eternally defeated, for him and his life, for the friendship they had, and now, for Rosalita. “I should have left her on the street, now she’s going to die here inside your house. I never think about things before I do them.” Isak patted Rosalita on the head and stood up.

"What are you doing?" Even asked concerned while Isak gathered his things.

"I told Emma I would be back soon, I'm just here to collect my things."

"What about Rosalita?"

Isak shook his head no, “I don't know why I thought I was going to be able to save her, when I leave, I’ll return her where I found, it’s better for her to die outside. Maybe another kitten finds her and takes care of her.”

"Isak, you’re not going to do that."

“Of course, I will, I can't take care of her, nor can I take care of myself. I won’t leave this problem here for you.” He said, fiddling with his wallet. “Even, I have 200 kroners. I know it's not much, but it's all that I have to give to you.” He said putting the money on the table and feeling kind of weird for doing that. "I know I ought to pay you more, but if you give me a few months I would be able to do it."

While this was going on, Isak continued crying, the tears just wouldn't stop, and he thought the easiest thing to do was to pretend they weren't running down his face. The worst part was the pain that he was feeling in his heart with each passing moment.

"I need to go, let me take the cat." Isak reached out to take it but Even grabbed his arm, causing Isak to look at him.

“Isak, stop! What are you doing?" Even asked with wide eyes.

"Nothing, I'm just trying to leave."

“But are you going to leave like this? It looks like you're going to someone's funeral, and it can't be just because of Rosalita, she'll be fine, she just needs to warm her little body up.”

"It would have been better if she died," Isak said and regretted it instantly.

“Isak! How do you say that? You love that cat!” Even yelled.

“I'm just being rational, she’s a street cat, nobody is going to take care of her and nobody is going to love her. It would be easier." He spoke with a shrug and felt his heart break in half.

Even looked at him for a few seconds and then said calmly, "Isak, you know you're not a stray cat, right?"

"What?"

"You are loved!" Even said, holding Isak's face, wiping away the tears that wouldn't stop running. "I’ll take care of you for as long as you need and then, I will take care of you a little more." Even gave a smile. "You just need to let me in your heart so I can understand what is broken."

"Everything," Isak spoke softly and Even asked him to repeat because he hadn’t heard. “Everything is broken. I have no solution for anything anymore, Even, just let me go and go live my fucking life with that girl!” Isak shouted.

When he tried to leave, Even wrapped Isak in his arms tightly, and this time Isak fell apart. Even hugged him using all of his strength and Isak's legs just gave in, falling to the floor. He was tired of fighting with himself, and now, right there in Even's embrace, he felt he could rest for a while.

Isak cried until his throat hurt.

Even had sat on the floor with Isak, close to Rosalita and the three just stayed there for a while.

When he stopped crying and managed to speak, he looked at Even and told him that he didn’t want to go live in Emma's house, but was afraid of what could happen if he remained here.

"What do you mean, Isak, what do you think is going to happen here?"

"I think ..." Isak's heart screamed to say that he wanted to kiss Even, that he wanted to be his, but his brain was holding him back. "I don't know, but I don't think god would like it."

“I can't take it anymore, Isak! Nothing will happen!” And with that Even held his face and stole a kiss, which deepened and became more and more intense.

"See, the world is not over, everything is fine, we’re still here!", Even said when the two parted, breathless.

Isak's heart was racing, he wanted one more kiss, he wanted a thousand more kisses, but he still wasn't sure that his world wasn't over. And suddenly a little cry startled them. Rosalita had woken up and started to cry causing them to turn their full attention on her.

Chapter Text

Isak started petting Rosalita and listen to her meowing.

"I think we need to get her something to eat, Isak." Even said petting her and holding Isak’s hand.

"I used to give her milk," he replied softly, "I don't know if I could use some of yours, but I took just a little bit."

Even left Isak talking to himself and brought some milk from the kitchen and set it near her makeshift cocoon. "How did you get her to eat?" Even asked after nothing happened.

Isak just shrugged, "I don't know, she just did," Isak picked her up. He wanted to talk to Rosalita as he used to do when they were at the door, but he was embarrassed by what Even might think.

He hugged her, pet her, and then set her standing in front of the milk bowl and slowly she started to fill her tummy.

Even just watched that cute scene from the side, meanwhile Isak was a little calmer, more than he was when he arrived with Rosalita and the news of moving in with Emma.

When Rosalita finished eating she walked over to Isak's lap again. "What do you think about us giving her a bath?" Even asked.

“We have just warmed her up, do you think it's a good idea?”

"I think so, then we put her on my bed so she can be more comfortable than in a lasagna pan." Even said laughing, but Isak just remained silent.

"Sorry. I’ll buy you another one.”

“That's not what I said, Isak. I don't care about that, I care about you and Rosalita, okay?” Isak just looked at Even. "Stay there and I'll find out how we can bathe her."

Isak had always wanted to have a dog since he was a little boy. He remembers crying and begging to his mother and father to have a puppy. Remembering that now, holding Rosalita didn't feel right, but it was the truth. His father said that Isak would end up killing the animal and that was why he wouldn’t get one, his mother didn’t say much, when asked, she answered that he would have to ask his father.

When Isak saw Rosalita for the first time on the street, he remembered his imaginary dog, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to take care of her, even more because he had nowhere to live. Isak wouldn’t be able to provide for both of them.

But that didn’t mean they couldn’t talk. So, after a while, Isak started opening up and telling her what was bothering him. He paid her for all the inconvenience with a lot of affection and milk, it seemed like a perfect deal.

Holding Rosalita now in his hands, inside the house with Even close by researching on how it was the best way to bath her, made Isak's brain stop thinking that he was always bothering and doing something wrong, it wasn’t that he no longer thought he was a bother, it was just that at that moment, his only focus was on Rosalita.

"Isak." Even called him and he and Rosalita turned to look at Even. "I know how we can bathe her; I am going to go to the market and I'll be right back, okay?" Isak just nodded his head and when Even left the house he leaned against the wall near the heater. After a moment, Rosalita fell asleep on his lap and Isak's eyes started to get heavy so he fell asleep too.

He heard Even called him, but as he was used to waking up to his mother's screams in his dream, he didn't bother to move, until he felt a hand on his face, which made him lean on it. "Isak", maybe now it wasn't a dream.

"Hi," he said softly, trying to shake off the sleep.

“Let’s give Rosalita a bath? Or do you want me to do that?”

"No!" Isak answered quicky, getting up and walking with the cat, "explain to me how to do that, I’ll bathe her."

After wetting the entire sink and making Rosalita very angry, Isak managed to clean her up. Even took the two of them to his bed and handed Mikael's hairdryer to Isak.

"Haakon won't mind that I'm here?" Isak asked, trying not to get too comfortable.

"No," Even said, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching the two, "he broke up with me." That certainly amazed Isak, he wanted to ask how someone could be stupid enough to have Even and choose to break up with him, but there wasn’t a straight way to say it, so Isak just shook his head and said that he was sorry.

When Rosalita was dry, Even took the hairdryer, gathered all the towels that were around the house, and tidied up the bathroom a little, when he returned, he saw Isak and Rosalita lying in bed asleep.

"Isak, can I order food for us?" Even asked quietly, not wanting to wake Isak completely.

“You can.”

At lunchtime, Isak was woken up when Even called him. He wanted to complain that Even kept spending money on him, but he was too sleepy to do so.

He ate with Rosalita on his lap, worried that she would get lost around the apartment.

"Why did you choose that name for her?" Even asked when Isak started laughing at the faces she was making while he ate.

"I don't know," he shrugged, "she looks like a Rosalita, doesn't she?" He raised the kitten for Even to look at.

"Yeah, she does. How did you find out that she was a girl?"

“I didn't, she can be a boy called Rosalita, can't she? As long as she has that happy face, I don't think it makes much difference.”

"Rosalita, the gender-fluid cat." Even laughed a little and Isak smiled with a shrug. "I don't understand you sometimes."

"Why?"

"Because you don't care that I'm pan, that Mikael is bi and that Rosalita is questioning her gender, but you have a huge problem with being gay."

Isak's eyes widened and he got up from the table, “I'm not gay, Even! You can't say that to me!”

“Isak, I'm sorry to tell you, but you're not straight. We kissed, we just kissed!”

Isak just shook his head. “No, I’m not ... you kissed me! And ... I have a girlfriend; no gay man has a girlfriend.”

“Some do, until they accept who they are, and talking about your girlfriend. I'm sorry, Isak, but you clearly don't like her.”

“How do you know that? you haven't spent any time with me since I asked her out last month? You don't know anything about my life!” Isak screamed and the stupid tears started to fall

Isak was horrified by Even's words, he thought the deal was not to talk about the kisses under the covers. He should have left the first opportunity he had, now God would find out everything, he really couldn't do anything right.

"Issy ..."

"Don't call me that," he said, wiping away his tears and placing Rosalita on top of the chair. "I'm leaving, I can't stand being here anymore with everyone calling me a fag, I'm going to live with my girlfriend who loves me, and we're going to get married and you'll never think I'm gay again!"

“Isak! Stop it!"

It rarely happened, but when Even raised his voice, it always scared him and always made him standstill.

“Isak, stop running away, sit here, finish your lunch, and let's talk about it. Aren't you tired of feeling disposable like that? I won't judge you for anything you say, but you need to talk to someone before all the anger and fear in your heart explodes.”

Isak wasn't sure what to do, he put his hand on the chair, and Rosalita watched him. He looked at his backpack lying on the floor from when he tried to leave earlier, and then, all the kisses appeared in his mind. Every time Even let him be kissed, the two kisses Even had recently stolen and the time Isak slept on his chest, the scenes sprang up and Isak didn't want to run away from that anymore.

That was the only place he felt happy and safe in, and yes, he was tired of feeling like he was worthless, especially when Even made it seem like he was the most important person in the world.

He sat on the chair again, set Rosalita on his lap, gave a big sigh and said very quietly "God isn’t going to like this at all."

Chapter Text

"What did you say, Isak?"

"I don't think god is going to like that I chose to stay here with you." He said, taking a bite of noodles Even bought.

"Why? He doesn’t like me?"

Even was so nice and patient with Isak. He knew that these conversations about God weren’t very normal, especially after spending time with his mother. He knew as well, that Isak's God, who had so much hatred in his heart just like Isak did, shouldn’t be the same God as Even’s, but even so, he was willing to talk about it with him

"He doesn’t like me," Isak replied without having the courage to look into Even's eyes.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I know it.  I saw what he did to my mom and what he did to me."

"Isak, I really think that we should talk about this." As Isak said nothing, Even continued. “You know that your mother's mental illness is not God punishing you, right? I also have a mental illness,” this caught the attention of Isak, who raised his head and looked at Even, “and I’m absolutely sure that God didn’t make me like this just to punish me because I’m pan.”

"What's wrong with you?" Isak asked quietly, afraid of the answer.

“I’m bipolar. I can handle it a lot better now. I almost always notice when an episode is coming and I know what to do before it gets really bad. Of course, sometimes I get lost inside my head, like when I stayed in bed last month.”

"It was my fault, wasn't it?"

"Of course not, it was my brain that got out of balance" Even said laughing a little, "I know I shouldn't have been angry when you asked me about my meds, I'm still learning to accept it but not for a second, I thought it was your fault, and it wasn't.”

"I thought it was god punishing me," Isak spoke softly ashamed of how he made absolutely everything about him.

"Why would he?"

"Because ... Well, I made a promise with God." This was the first time Isak said it and it sounded like the craziest thing to say. He was waiting for Even to laugh or call him crazy, but he just stood there waiting for Isak to continue. “I spent a lot of time inside my mom’s house, Even, and I thought I would never be able to leave.” Even nodded. “And that was it. I left."

Telling a piece of the big problem eased Isak's heart, but he wasn't ready to say that God didn't like him because he was gay and that was why his promise specifically meant to stay away from Even and date Emma, or some other girl.

"And what was the promise?" Even asked and it was as if Rosalita realized that the conversation was getting tougher, she rubbed her little head on Isak's belly.

"I don't know if I want to tell you," Isak spoke softly, looking at the cat.

"Okay, you don't have to tell me, do you want to tell me about your mom then?" Isak shook his head. "Then, explain to me why you are going to live with Emma."

“I need to get out of here and she wants my company there, not to mention that she’s my girlfriend. We would move in together after we got married but it would be better to start now.”

"You don't have to leave, I’ve told you, you can stay here until you're ready for your next step."

"Well, I'm ready now," he said as he got up and went to get his cell phone that kept on beeping "and Emma is too, she has sent several messages for me to go back there." He spoke, showing his cell phone to Even.

"Is that what you really want to do, Isak?" Even said, standing in front of Isak, and no, that wasn’t what Isak wanted to do, but it was what had to be done.

"It is what has to be done."

"Because of your promise?" Isak just nodded, hating the way it all made Isak look as crazy as his mother.

"I don't care about you or Mikael hooking up with guys," he shrugged. "But I can't be like that." He spoke quietly, "which is why I need to go to Emma, she’s the right next step."

“So, this is what you promised God? A straight life?” Isak nodded slowly. "And if you don't keep your part of the agreement, what will happen?"

“I don't know, but I think God is going to hurt me and the people I love. I cannot take that risk.” Even dragged Isak and Rosalita into his room, "what are you doing?" Isak asked.

"I want to show you that God won’t care if you stay here with me." Isak's eyes widened at that sentence.

"What are you going to do with me? Are we going to have sex?”

Even couldn't help himself and laughed at Isak a little, “of course not! We will stay in bed, cuddling, as long as you feel comfortable. You can ask me to let you go whenever you want.”

"And what do I do with Emma?" Isak asked, waving his cell phone.

"You tell her that you promised to help me with a super important project that I have and you need to stay here for at least the whole weekend."

Isak looked at Even for a few more seconds and then handed Rosalita over to him and started typing the message. Meanwhile, Even made the bed for the three of them, changed into comfortable sweatpants and handed Isak a second pair.

"Here we have a dress code." He spoke with a smile.

Isak changed clothes quickly and laid down on the bed. He had been in this bed several times with Even, but now, he felt like they were trying to make God angry on purpose to see what could happen and that made Isak very nervous.

Even lay down on the bed and Rosalita jumped over his chest, after watching the scene for a few seconds, Isak approached Even on the bed and laid next to him with the excuse to pet Rosalita, slowly getting closer and closer to Even, who opened his arm for Isak to fit in there and pulled the cover over them.

"Are you comfortable?" Even asked.

"I am, being a sinner has never felt this good." He spoke and chuckled.

Even kissed his head and said, "You were never a sinner, Isak."

Chapter Text

The three of them took a nap until Rosalita woke them up meowing, asking for more food. Isak got out of the embrace and went to the kitchen to get milk and found a lot of cat food that Even bought when he left earlier.

When Isak returned to the room, Even was seated talking to Rosalita.

“Should I bring the food over there, Even? Wouldn’t you prefer that I take her to the living room or somewhere else?”

Even opened his arm and called Isak back to the bed, "no, we're going to stay here." He spoke with a smile. "Did you notice that nothing bad happened?" Even asked Isak giving him a kiss on the head.

"It is still early." He spoke softly.

"What do I need to do for you to believe that everything will be fine?" Even asked.

"I don't know, I wanted my heart to believe you once and for all, but things are not that easy for me."

“Well, Rosalita and I are going to make you believe it. Isn't that right Rosalita?” The cat meowed and the two boys laughed at her.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with her when I go to Emma's, I can't take her, and I can't leave her here either."

"Are you still thinking about going there?" Isak looked at Even's face for a moment as he pondered on his answer.

"I should go there, shouldn't I?"

“No, I don't think so, Isak. I think you should stay here.”

Isak chuckled and shook his head. "I can't sleep on the couch forever without paying any rent."

"We're not going to charge you for sleeping on the couch, and really, you need a room to put your things in."

“I have nothing, Even. Only the computer and the drawings you made for me.”

"You deserve a room of your own." Isak shook his head, finding this idea absurd, he didn’t deserve anything, and Even was giving him the whole world already. “Yes, you deserve it, what if you found a place to live? A place other than your girlfriend’s house. I can help you.”

"But I have no money, Even!" He said frustrated.

Isak couldn't stand being so poor. He had exactly 205,00 kroner, and 200,00 he gave to Even. At the rate things were going he would never get a place of his own, the best idea still was to live with Emma and pay with manly jobs, which he would find out later what they were.

"But if you stayed with Emma, how would you pay her?"

"I try not to think too much about what she would ask in exchange, to tell you the truth," Isak said, finally leaning against the headboard and holding his legs. He knew he was going to have to try and have sex with Emma again, or actually for the first time, but he was mortified about the possibility.

"I don't want you to go there." Even said, leaning against the headboard, he pulled Isak closer to him and gave him a little kiss on his forehead.

"Why?"

“Because, from what I understand, you asked God for freedom. It isn’t fair for you to suffer so much, for so long and continue to suffer, to be stuck with someone you don't like. And don't even tell me that you like her, Isak. We have to pinpoint some facts, number one you don’t like her, number two you’re gay. So, it makes no sense for you to live there.”

"I'm not gay," he said very quietly.

"But you don't like her, do you?" Even asked and Isak looked at his face.

"It's not that I don't like her, it's just ... Well, I don’t want to be her boyfriend, I have no problem with us being friends."

“We’re already heading in the right direction!” Even said, kissing him on the head.

Whenever Even kissed him, Isak remembered their last kiss. It was almost something from a Disney movie, like when the prince kissed Snow White. When Even kissed Isak and Princess Rosalita woke up, that should have meant something, shouldn't it? Isak looked at him while Even smiled and rubbed his face. He wanted to be brave enough to kiss Even, right now.

"What is it, Issy?" Even asked, maybe Isak took more time than he realized looking at him.

He felt ashamed for starring and at the same time, the pet name made things a little bit easier but, because he didn’t have the courage to kiss him, Isak just copied Rosalita and rubbed his head on Even's neck. "Are you all right?" Even asked laughing a little amused.

"Yeah." He said moving just enough to look at Even. “How can I find a place to live then, Even? What am I going to say to Emma?”

"Do you mean that I convinced you? That fast?" he said with a laugh.

"No! I didn't say that I'm going to do anything, I just asked how to do those things, I didn't say I would do them! You still have a lot of convincing to do.” He spoke, crossing his arms.

"I’ll do it, I’ll convince you and Rosalita, and you both will love me." He winked at Isak.

Isak didn't need to be convinced to love Even, in fact, loving him was the easiest thing to do and as much as he tried to run from him, he was beginning to suspect that he didn’t want to run anymore.

Even stretched his whole body to get the computer without getting out of bed. “Okay, what I wanted to do, from the start, I might add, was to sign up for one of these sites where you can teach the subjects you know. You can work in the library and teach classes, what do you think?”

"I think that would be a good idea," Isak said with a giant smile. But what about God? Isak thought. "Even, and what about God?"

"Well, for now, he is fine, don't you think?" Even said, "we are hugging each other and nothing has happened so far."

Even got up and opened the window looking at the sky, "everything looks fine here." He spoke smiling at Isak. "Let's keep an eye on him for a few more days, how about that?" Isak nodded and Even went back to bed putting Rosalita on Isak’s lap.

"Come on, we have money to earn, Rosalita deserves a queen's life!" Even said taking the computer and putting his arm behind Isak's back.

Chapter Text

While they find a place for Isak to live, they agreed that Isak would sleep with Even on his bed, and after much discussion, Isak took his backpack to the room and began using the drawers next to the bed, where he stored his clothes and Even's drawings, placing his computer on the table top.

Regardless of how small that was, Isak felt much better for having a place for him to store his things. It was a strange feeling, something very much like belonging. And in lieu of that, he liked to open the drawers and just stare at his things in there. Sometimes Rosalita kept him company while he was looking at his T-shirts in a drawer.

 That was the end of their Saturday, too much time spend looking at full drawers and playing with Rosalita.

After a million messages from Emma, Isak decided to just turn off his cell phone and worry about the outside world on Monday. For the time being, he had enough problems with God to worry about something else.

Even continued to hug him and kiss him on the face, and when Isak started to get used to it, a flash from the past appeared in his head, he saw his mother screaming, throwing books, or setting everything on fire causing him to tense up again. He tried to stay chill next to Even when that happened, to pretend that everything was fine, but Isak had his suspicions that Even knew that something inside his heart wasn’t right, so the other boy gave him some space, calling Rosalita to play.

On Sunday, Even woke up earlier than Isak and brought cereal with milk for him and Rosalita to the bed.

"Good morning, kittens!" Even spoke by placing the tray on the bed and giving Isak a kiss on the cheek.

"Even, what are you doing?" Isak said sitting on the bed, "I was going to have breakfast in the kitchen, you don't need to do that." It was difficult for him to get used to all the thoughtful details that Even did, it was one thing to try to convince Isak that God had no problem if he spent time with Even, and it was another thing completely different to convince Isak that he deserved it all.

All the nightmares about his mother and father's words still lurked in his head. He had left his mother and didn't know what had happened to her after that day, but as much as he missed her, he was afraid to go back and get stuck there again. A good son doesn’t do that, and a person like Isak felt he didn't deserve these beautiful things coming from Even.

"Sunday is a day for people to not get out of bed." Even said, laughing and giving Rosalita milk, as she was on her way to steal Isak's food.

The three of them ate in comfortable silence. Even put Ben Mazué on the phone and they just spent a nice time together, without God getting in the middle, without all of Isak's paranoia and without sadness pulling him down. It was just Even, Isak and Rosalita in bed.

While Isak ate, he leaned his body against Even's and put his head on the boy's shoulder. "I like it here." He spoke softly and Even gave him a kiss on the head.

"I also like it when you're here."

"Do you really?" He asked, doubting the phrase.

“Of course, Isak! I like you." Even spoke and Isak just shook his head, without the courage to say that he also liked the other boy.

"Even ..." he paused and moved back a little to look at Even. "Why do you like me?" As soon as Isak asked, he instantly regretted it.

A boy like Even couldn’t like Isak, he would prefer guys like Haakon, yeah, that was a choice that made the most sense. Isak shook his head no and chuckled, “I was being very needy now,” he laughed more “sorry, no need to answer. I know, you are my friend and you like me as a friend.”

Even said nothing, but placed both hands on his face, caressing his jaw slowly, while staring at Isak, making his body heat up quickly. Isak had no idea what was going to happen, he no longer tried to imagine the future, because it always made him nervous, so, he just let himself feel it.

Eventually, Even came closer to his face, and kissed his forehead, as usual, and then on his cheek, which was also normal, and then he said “Isak, I liked you from the start, you’re funny and interesting, it’s so hard not to fall in love with you!” they stayed silent for a while, Isak didn’t know what to answer, then Even added, “I wanted to kiss you, give you a real kiss since the moment I met you.” He kept looking at Isak's face, perhaps waiting for an answer, but Isak didn't know what to say to that either. “What kind of boy would think about kissing me?” He thought.

"Can I?" Even asked.

When Isak kissed Even under the covers, it was like it hadn’t happen, it was something hidden and not commented on. Although the kisses were very good. Isak didn’t regret kissing a handsome guy, but something strange happened in his heart afterwards, it was as if what they did had been shameful and should be kept hidden.

The last kiss Isak got from Even, was just to provoke God, wasn't it? That didn't seem like a good reason to be kissed, no matter how good it was.

But now, he would finally receive the first true and reciprocal kiss from his gay life. And yes, Isak was terrified, but was only able to keep starring at Even’s face, making him repeat the question.

"Can I kiss you, Issy?" he said patiently and smiled.

Isak, slowly, nodded his head while swallowing all his fear.

Even continued to look at Isak as he approached his face, when they were already cross-eyed to look so close, and then in the last possible second, Even closed his eyes and Isak just copied him and their lips touched. He started giving him small kisses with his mouth practically closed, these kisses alone were already wonderful. Isak, little by little, began raising his hands and setting them on Even's chest going up to grab his neck and didn't have the courage to put them in his hair, but as soon as he stopped moving, Even deepened the kiss by putting his tongue inside Isak’s mouth, and like the last time, that moment was intense.

Even moved a hand from his face and placed it on Isak’s back, trying to pull them closer and closer together while he kissed and nibbled on his lip. Isak wished he had a little more experience, but he didn't, and after the first bite he was panting and moaning occasionally.

"Even," Isak said when the two parted to breathe, "go look out the window and see if the world is ending." He spoke with a smile. Even smiled back and kissed him again.

Chapter Text

After spending a wonderful day with Even, Rosalita, and Mikael; Isak wasn’t ready to leave his refuge to face Monday. He knew that God was still wandering around him, why wouldn't he? He was also absolutely sure that Emma would show up to work to question him about what happened over the weekend and about him moving in with her.

Isak didn't have the courage to talk about living at Emma's house again to Even, he wanted to wait to make sure that God wouldn't punish him for being gay, and then he would refuse or not Emma's invitation. He couldn't afford to be homeless again, but he also didn't like the idea of being locked up in another house where he didn’t want to be.

So, Sunday ended up being a day for Isak to enjoy being in bed with Even and Rosalita. That night the boys watched a movie with Mikael, who of course, was already in love with the kitten. Everything was fine and his world was not over yet, Isak was very happy.

Monday morning, Even told him, he would take him to work and then go to his class, and as much as Isak said he didn't need to, he was happy to have his company for a few more minutes. Isak was beginning to understand that life was too ephemeral for him to waste a second of peace and calm thinking about non-Even related things, “we never know about tomorrow” he thought every time his brain told him to leave, but his heart kept him there.

They went hand in hand until they were close to college and Isak had to let go. "I don't want Emma to see us together like this." He explained when Even's smile got smaller.

"Are you going to break up with her?" Even asked a little apprehensively, and the truth was, he didn't know yet. He wanted to never have started dating, but he wasn't sure yet if he should break his promise with God. And, because he didn't know how to respond, he just looked at Even's face.

"Issy…" Even said, stroking his face, but Isak took a step back.

"Can we talk at home?" Even just nodded and said goodbye.

As he had predicted, Emma was by his side from the second he arrived, asking where his things were and if he was still going to move in with her, moreover she asked him what happened over the weekend that Even needed him so badly, she also asked why he never introduced her to Even along with the fact that she wanted to meet all of his friends.

After all the peace that Isak had felt over the weekend, it was a complete shock to see Emma and deal with her million questions. Of course, Even put a lot of pressure on Saturday to know what was going on, but it seemed different, he wanted to open up to the boy, and was afraid to admit that with Emma he just wanted space.

At noon, he left a little earlier and decided to eat kebab at his and Jonas’ old spot. He had only taken Emma there once, and after that, he didn't think it was right to go back there with her.

He ordered and walked towards the bench he always used to sit with Jonas. As he was approaching the bench, he heard Magnus calling him, Isak looked at the food and the bench, he didn’t think that he could run into the boys there. Why didn't Isak think they would continue to come to this place that it used to be theirs? He took Emma there himself, and it had been a fluke that he didn't see the boys there, and just now he realized that.

Since Isak shut himself up at his mother's house, he never read the boys' messages or answered any of their calls again in addition to leaving all possible social networks. He was terrified about the consequences of the kiss with Jonas and not knowing how to explain exactly why he had to live with his mother, he just found it easier to distance himself from everyone.

One mistake after another.

Now he was about to turn around and face his past and everything he had done wrong.

"Isak, wait up" he heard Magnus screaming again and stopped moving. "Hey, Isak, what’s up?"

"Hi, Mags." He replied with a small smile, thinking how much of a bad idea it had been to come there.

"Where have you been? It's been a long time since anyone has seen you, Isak.” Magnus asked, hugging him.

"I’ve been around." He said smiling, he couldn’t tell the truth to Mags, but he knew how to make him change the subject, “And what about you? Did you finally hook up with that blond chick?”

Magnus' eyes even sparkled when Isak talked about the girl. One of the last times they had gone out, Mags tried to kiss a girl, and kept saying he was in love. "I can't believe you don't know anything about us, Isak!" he said excitedly, “we are dating, can you believe it? Can you believe that a pretty girl like her wanted to date me?”

Isak just smiled and nodded his head, Magnus might not be as handsome as Even, but he was as sweet at heart and he knew that any girl who gave him a chance wouldn’t regret it.

“Dude, you missed out on so much! We need to hang out again, Jonas will go crazy when he finds out that I’ve seen you!” he said, setting his hand on his cell phone, probably to send Jonas a message.

Isak started to think about Jonas, about their last day together and the whole scene appeared in his mind, making it more difficult to breathe with each passing moment. Surely God was in the corner watching Isak struggle with his thoughts.

Chapter Text

A little over a year ago, Isak and Jonas had gone to buy a kebab. Isak knew he had to go to his mother’s house, but he thought it would be just for a while. He found himself already looking forward to going back to the real world, even before he entered that house. He thought that as soon as he got out of the house, he was going to find some new classes to attend, he was going to go out with the boys more and he was going to tell Jonas that he was gay.

He was so looking forward to everything that could happen next. Looking forward to the future, because in the future he would have more courage to do the things that seemed gigantic now, he would be able to be strong enough and face everything. But that was the future.

In that instant however, when they were both eating and laughing, Isak thought that certain things couldn’t wait any longer, like his first kiss with a boy.

He wanted Jonas now, he wanted to be able to think of someone when he was inside his mother’s house, he wanted to dream about his boyfriend and receive visits and kisses in the afternoon, and because of that, maybe because of the despair his heart had to be locked up with his mother or maybe for a love that failed to materialize, he said:

"Hum, Jonas?" he waited for his friend to pay attention to him, "I don't know how to tell you this, I have thought about it a few times, but I don’t know how it would be the best way to say it."

"Say what?" Jonas asked, turning his attention back to the kebab.

"Jonas, I like you." Isak blurred it out.

Jonas laughed and patted him on the back, “you are so dramatic, I like you too, you are my best friend. Just don't tell Mags, otherwise, he’ll be sad.” He laughed some more.

“No, no Jonas, I really like you, I’ve always had!” that phrase changed the mood of the afternoon, the two looked at each other for a few seconds, and Isak needed to ask what Jonas felt, he couldn't go to his mother's house without knowing, “do you like me back, like for real?” Isak asked and Jonas just opened and closed his mouth.

Now that his whole heart was in Jonas' hands, he thought it would be the right time to take the last step and moved his body forward giving Jonas a kiss, just a peck.

What he didn’t think was that Jonas would push him.

"Isak, what are you doing, man? I'm not gay!" No, of course not, why would he be like Isak? It felt like Jonas had thrown Isak’s heart on the ground and Isak couldn’t stay there anymore, not without his heart.

He had kissed a person who didn’t want his kiss, who didn’t want his love and who wasn’t gay, and that was how all of the cases of homophobia started, wasn’t it? Someone gay showing himself as gay, that was all he thought, that was enough, Isak knew, he had seen the news. Jonas had broken his heart and it already hurt too much, he didn't even want to imagine what would happen if Jonas spoke those horrible words, they use to make gay people feel bad, or worse, if Jonas wanted to hit Isak.

No, he couldn't take it.

Isak got up slowly, looking at Jonas while holding back the tears he threw the kebab in the trash and left.

When Isak returned to the present, he was having yet another panic attack. These scenes started to repeat over and over in his mind, he kept seeing himself walking away from Jonas in fear of his best friend rejecting him again and leaving his heart on the floor.

"Isak, are you okay?" he heard Magnus asking, but he couldn't answer.

He wanted to get away from Magnus and get his first kiss experience out of his head, he wanted to go back to bed with Even and Rosalita and never leave there again, that place was the only safe place for him.

With great difficulty he started walking away from Magnus, he smiled a little or thought he did and was trying to think of Even and the beautiful words he spoke to him, but at that moment the only thing inside his head was “Isak, what are you doing, man? I'm not gay!” over and over again.

He couldn't faint in the middle of the street, Isak knew that, he also couldn't walk much longer without air, he needed to sit somewhere real fast, and clear his mind of Jonas and let just Even there. It was that simple, it just needed to be done in the next few seconds.

Without thinking about where he was going, he entered the first open door he saw and laid down on the first bench he found. Isak closed his eyes, trying to regulate his breathing. He thought about Rosalita with her little smile, thought of Even stroking his back and saying that everything was fine, he thought of the time Even said he was loved, and lastly when he said he really liked Isak.

When he was a little calmer, he heard Magnus' voice again breaking the silence he had created, "Isak, what happened?" as he didn’t expect it, his heartbeat accelerated again and his breathing unregulated. "Are you okay?" he said sitting near his head.

"I am. Don't call Jonas, please.” He replied with the remnant of air that was inside him.

"Okay," Magnus said, and Isak thought he would leave, but even with his eyes closed he still felt Mags there.

It took Isak another five minutes, just breathing and thinking about beautiful things to calm himself down, and when he was almost ready, he sat down slowly and opened his eyes.

Of all the places he could have entered, he saw he had chosen a church.

Chapter Text

"You scared me, Isak!" Magnus spoke when Isak sat down.

"Sorry." He said.

It had been years since he had entered a church. After his father left the house for the first time, his mother stopped trying to convince him to go to church. At the moment Isak thought it was great, but over time he saw that she was getting sadder and sadder going alone.

Isak got up and went to the altar to be closer to the figure of Jesus. he heard Magnus following him. He wanted to say that he could leave, but to tell the truth, he was afraid that God would kill him there and hide his body. It was good to have a witness close by.

He looked at the image that always scared him, the one that always had the most painful words to say when Isak was afraid of hell and afraid of his own feelings for other people, mostly about boys.

Standing there, looking at Jesus on the cross and the Bible a few meters from him, Isak, unintentionally, imagined him throwing everything on the ground and setting fire to that place. It wasn’t a rational thought, and he quickly regretted it, not because of the act itself but because he knew that God had already heard it in his mind.

Isak then turned his back on Jesus and looked at Mags who was still there, looking back at him.

"Are you okay?" he asked with a small smile.

"Do you believe in God?" Isak said without even realizing it.

"I think so." He said after thinking for a while, "It's good to know that someone is always looking out for us, isn't it?"

"If you are not a sinner, if you are he doesn’t care."

“I think there is a passage in the bible that says that God likes the sinner and not sin, right?” Magnus asked and Isak nodded his head, he knew almost all the passages in the bible now. "Why are you asking this?"

"Because I don’t want to believe in God." He said and started walking out of there, not wanting Jesus to drop his cross on him.

"Why, Isak?" Mags asked as he stepped up to accompany his friend, but Isak didn’t say anything, he wanted to leave for Even's house. "Isak," Magnus took his arm. "What happened?"

How was Isak going to explain to him everything that happened? Isak wasn't sure why he got a panic attack, he didn't know why God chose to torture Isak in a world that has people much worse than him, was it because they are straight? Isak didn’t know the secrets of the universe and was tired of suffering from misinterpreting them.

"Nothing, I didn’t feel well, but now everything is fine." He spoke with a smile. "I need to go." He said goodbye and started walking.

“Isak! Are you crazy?" Magnus asked as he went after him, and that made Isak's eyes widen.

"Why do you ask that? Of course, I'm not crazy, I'm normal!” he spoke more defensively than he wished.

“Isak, what's going on with you? You disappeared from us. One day we were hanging out and the next one no one knew where to find you; we went to the university, went to your apartment, looked on social networks, what happened?” Mags was almost shouting in the street and Isak had never seen him like that. “We missed you, Jonas looked for you for months, we couldn’t believe you were gone, we thought something bad had happened. And now, you are here, in front of me and you’re acting weird! What happened?"

Jonas looked for you for months.

Isak opened his mouth to say something, but it seemed too late to explain now after what happened.

Jonas looked for you for months.

He wanted everything to go back to normal, that the consequences of those months were over, that he could just be himself and that his friends liked him, even if he was gay and sinful.

Jonas looked for you for months.

Well, at least he could accept that he was gay, without trying to pretend and shout that he was straight, maybe that was a small victory? But that was certainly not good news for his girlfriend.

Jonas looked for you for months.

That’s when he remembered his girlfriend and his job, all waiting for him but Isak just wanted to go lay down on the bed and rest for the rest of the week.

Jonas looked for you for months.

While all of this was going through his head, Mags, who has always been a good friend, was there, looking straight at his face, and waiting for some kind of response. Isak felt tired of running from the past and avoiding the present.

"A lot has happened." He finally spoke. “Mags, I don't want to stay here anymore, do you want to come with me to my place? We can talk there.”

"Of course!" Magnus said, fiddling with his cell phone again and Isak just put his hand on top holding it.

"Don't call Jonas, please," Isak said pleading, looking into his friend's eyes.

“I wasn't going to call him; I was going to call an uber for us.” He responded with a loving smile, and Isak really missed his friend.

Within minutes, they were home and Rosalita greeted them at the door, causing Isak to bend down to pick her up. The two were alone there and Isak thought it would be easier to tell Magnus what happened. He messaged Even to let him know that he was home and called his job saying he wasn’t able to go there today.

The two sat down on the couch, Rosalita was a little taken aback by Mags which made Isak laugh.

"Why did you disappear?" Magnus eventually asked, when he realized that Isak wouldn’t say anything on his own.

"I had to leave," he said, looking more at Rosalita than at Mags.

"To go where?"

And then, after a big sigh, Isak told everything that happened, inside that house or practically everything.

"I don’t understand why you thought you had to distance yourself from us, Isak." He spoke after Isak finished.

"Didn't Jonas tell you anything?" Isak asked, afraid of the answer, and Magnus just shook his head with a frown.

"He spent a long time looking for you, Isak, he was so scared, and he’s still a little sad that you disappeared, that's why I wanted to text him. What happened between you two?"

Isak was more than tired, he didn't want to tell, he wanted someone to save him from continuing explaining and when he opened his mouth to make an excuse and Even, his guardian angel, opened the door.

Chapter Text

"Halla!" Even said approaching Magnus and greeting him, "I’m Even".

"Hey! I'm Magnus, Isak's friend.” He said as Even walked over to Isak's side, sitting down and giving him a kiss on the cheek, Rosalita jumping on his lap. Isak wasn’t expecting Even to do that, and he would have felt very angry if he didn't feel so comfortable inside the apartment, with Even beside him.

Even though he was afraid of Magnus' reaction, he knew that nothing would happen while Even was around.

"Do you work together?" Even asked.

"No, we studied together at school," Magnus spoke excitedly as if he was proud to have known Isak for so long. "I didn't know you had a job, Isak," he asked as if another man hadn't just kissed his friend on the cheek and the only thing he managed to do was to nod his head.

“Isak is working at the UiO library, can you believe it? The best place for a nerd like him.” Even said, laughing.

"I didn't know you were back to college; you didn't say anything."

"I’m not back, I’m just working there to earn some money," he said, taking the cat back to have something else to focus on.

"Isn't your dad paying for your things?" he asked and Isak just shook his head no. “And how are you going to go back to university?”

"I won’t."

"What do you mean?" he asked a little louder, and Even had to pat Isak's back.

"I don't have the money to go back to university, I can barely afford to stay here with Even."

"It’s that why your father stopped paying for your things?" Magnus asked, pointing at Even and Isak.

"That what?" Isak looked up to understand Magnus's question.

"Because you two are dating?" he spoke in such a normal way that kind of scared Isak.

"Why do you think we're dating?" ok, Even kissed and hugged him, had his hands on Isak, but really, it was an Even thing, he also hugged Mikael, and if Mags thought he was gay just because of Even’s actions towards him, he should have to pay more attention to everything that Even did too, and that seemed like a horrible and tiring thing to do.

But, in the midst of his thoughts, he noticed how Magnus was treating it like a normal thing, as if Isak’s feelings towards boys was something normal and before he could answer, Isak said, “Don't you care? I mean, if I were ... if we ... if me and Even or me and any boy were together, if that happened, wouldn't you care? "

“Of course not, Isak, if in 2021 I get bothered about LGBTQIA + people, I would be stupid or prejudiced, which is the same, isn’t it? And my mom didn't raise me to be either,” he said, lifting his face to show himself proud of what his mom taught him and chuckled.

"Even is not my boyfriend," Isak said quietly, a little ashamed now not to be Even's boyfriend – what a strange day "but maybe, I'm not straight."

"I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me that," Magnus said, placing his hand on top of Isak's, which was on Rosalita, who jumped into Even's lap. "The day you feel ready to talk to Jonas, I'm sure he won't mind either, he misses you, and he just wants to have you back in his life." Isak shook his head no.

"Didn't he tell you what happened?" Isak asked again, and Mags shook his head no, and then Isak looked at Even who was playing with Rosalita, wondering whether or not he should say what happened, but when Even looked at Isak and smiled, a lot of his fears went away, “I kissed Jonas,” he said looking at Magnus. "But he didn't kiss me back, of course, and so I left." He said leaning against Even.

“He never told me any of it, Isak. I don't think he cared as much as you think.”

It was scary to speak the truth. Isak almost slept on the streets twice but telling the truth to someone, opening his heart, telling what he was feeling, was scary and tiring.

"When you're ready, I'm sure he'll be happy to see you, Isak," Mags said with a smile, and Isak could only return it.

“I'm tired” he whispered in Even’s ear, who just nodded.

"Mags, how about we eat something while Isak takes a shower?" The two boys went to the kitchen while Isak went to the bathroom, and when he left, Even was alone at home.

"Where did he go?" Isak asked, pulling on the hem of the pants that were wet.

"He left," Even said, giving him a kiss on the head and pulling him to the bed, but Isak just sat on the edge waiting for his pants to dry. "What are you doing?"

"If I lie down now, your bed will get wet." Even took the same sweatpants from last night and gave them to Isak. "I need to buy a pair just for you." He spoke smiling, and Isak was too tired to say he didn't need to, so he changed and laid on the bed, closing his eyes.

Even followed him and ran a hand through his hair, kissed his face, and brought his body as close to Isak, “I’m proud of you.” He spoke in his ear.

"Why?" he asked without bothering to open his eyes.

“Because you opened your heart and you did great! The more you do it, the less scary it is.”

"I hope so, it was horrible."

"I promise you." He spoke, kissing Isak's face.

"Even ..."

"Yeah?"

"Could you give me just one kiss?" Isak asked, opening his eyes.

“Of course,” Even said, smiling, “all the kisses you want!”

“Just one for now I want to sleep,” he said with a little smile appearing on his lips.

"Ok" Even said laughing, he got closer to Isak, and he kissed him once, twice, three times just little kisses, but perfect nevertheless. “Take a nap until dinner time, what do you think? Rosalita will keep you company.”

"What about you?" Isak said, opening his eyes instantly.

"I'm going to buy groceries to make something very tasty for you." Even said with one last kiss. Isak closed his eyes and fell asleep.

Chapter Text

For the rest of the week Isak remained very tired, he hardly spoke to Even about what happened, and this time for some reason, Even didn’t pressure him to talk. He just wanted to sleep and be with the cat; and that was what he did. However, when Even was away from Isak for a long time, he would go over to where he was and just hold him, staying that way for a while.

On Wednesday night he taught his first class. He signed up on the website and a 12-year-old girl asked for a private biology class. Even helped him organize everything and he stayed in Even's room teaching the class while the other boy watched. And Isak was so happy there, talking about a subject that he liked so much.

He didn't want to get close to that subject again since he had left college, but he forced himself to think about the ultimate goal of making money. Maybe not being a doctor would be difficult, but being a teacher seemed like a pretty wonderful job to have. He explained the subject that the student asked for, she told him that in two days she had a test, and then she would send a message to Isak telling him how it went.

"Can you believe it?" Isak asked Even. “That girl said I helped her!”

"You did help her, I saw it, you were great!" Isak shook his head in shame and lay in Even's arms with a giant smile on his lips.

“Do you think I’ll have more students?”

“I know you will,” Even said, kissing his head and caressing his back, after some time in silence, Even said: “Isak, what happened Monday?” He pressured Isak to talk a little bit about it.

"What do you mean?" Isak said hiding more in Even's body.

"Why did you come back home in the middle of the day?"

"Hum," Isak sometimes managed to make himself so small in Even's arms, as if he could fit completely in there, "I had another panic attack when I thought Mags was going to call Jonas."

Even gave him several kisses on his head and face, and Isak raised his chin a little to get a kiss on the mouth.

 He didn't know what the two of them really were. Isak wanted to be Even's boyfriend, if God let him, and he also wanted to break up with Emma soon, if only he figured out exactly how to do that. But above all that, Isak wanted to be loved by Even, without being afraid of anything, maybe that would take a while to happen, moreover because Isak didn't really have the courage to start talking about the possibility of dating only Even.

So, for now, he just moved his lips close to Even's and that was that.

"Did Magnus help you get well?"

"Actually, no. I ran from him.” Isak said with a chuckle. "You helped me."

“Yeah? How?”

"I thought about the things you said to me and I got better little by little," Isak said. "But you won’t believe where I went." He raised his body to speak to Even. At the time he was totally scared of everything, but now that some days had passed, he was starting to find it funny that from all the places in the world he could go, he chose a church. “I didn't know where I was going, and I just wanted to get out of the street,” Isak explained and Even nodded, “And then, when I was better, I realized that I was inside a church, can you believe it?"

“Maybe… I don’t know, but maybe it was a sign from God?” Even asked.

"What do you mean?" did Even think that it was God who pushed him to the church to make him more scared? Was Even beginning to believe everything Isak thought about God?

"You needed somewhere safe, right?" Even asked and Isak nodded, “And you said that God is always looking over you. So, maybe, He was there, to show you that He’s not as bad as you think.”

"I don’t know," Isak said, getting out of the hug and turning his back to Even.

He spent so much time this year thinking that God hated him and wanted him to be straight. He thought that he couldn't be gay, that all the fury of God and the bible would fall on his head. He imagined God, at the top of a mountain, sitting with his arms crossed watching Isak thinking of boys, while he imagined a thousand ways to punish him.

Did Isak make it all up, because he wasn’t ready to accept his sexuality? No, it should be God himself.

 He felt Even's hand on his waist, moving up his chest, and then felt the boy's chest on his back. They never laid like that and the thought that Even was so close to him, in that position made all the thinking about God disappear in the same instant.

“I'm sorry,” Even said, and Isak needed a few seconds to refocus. "I didn't want you to be upset with me, I just wanted you to see that God doesn't want to make you sad." He said holding Isak more tightly in his arms. "We have been here in bed since Saturday, and apart from your panic attack, nothing happened, right?"

It was true, it was all, theoretically, fine, but why couldn't Isak let go of this fear that God would ruin everything he loved?

"Yeah" he said softly, intertwining his fingers with Even's.

"Do you care if you're gay?" Even asked.

“I’m not… I mean, how can you be sure that I’m gay?” Isak asked.

“I'm not sure, you're the only one that can be sure. What do you feel about me? And what do you feel about your girlfriend?” Isak was quiet, thinking about the answer. "Do you like it when I kiss you?" Even tried again, and Isak nodded ever so slightly his head, “and do you like it when she kisses you?”

“Even,” he whispered.

"Yeah?"

“I don’t like kissing girls.”

"That’s ok.”

“I do like kissing you. And, it felt good kissing Jonas, before everything went horribly wrong.”

"Ok."

"I don’t want to be gay though," he said sad.

"Why not?"

"It seems too hard."

“Isak, I swear to you, that there is nothing harder than being sad. Just be your gay self, and be happy again, be fully happy about who you are, okay?” Isak turned the other way and hugged Even.

“What will God think?”

“We’ll go there Sunday, and we’ll talk to him, okay?”

"Would you do that for me?"

“Of course, Issy! Anything to make you happy.”

“What about breaking up with Emma for me?” Isak said with a smile on his face.

“Almost anything” Even laughed.

Chapter Text

 Isak tried to break up with Emma on Thursday and Friday, but he was not successful in his task. Whenever he started talking about not wanting to have a relationship with her anymore, Isak was afraid that God would send a rain of grasshoppers on his head and then he would always give up.

However, during the week, he left her confused enough with all his half conversations, his disappearance on Monday, and the way he didn't want to talk about living together. He started to hope that she would just break up with him and then he would be free to love Even since his straight relationship hadn’t worked out.

On Friday, Even asked Isak for a date, apparently he has always wanted to take Isak to a romantic place for their first date and after Even explained that God wouldn't be mad, the two went hand in hand to a restaurant near their house.

Isak borrowed a shirt from Even, that was white with small dark blue polka dots and a dark coat. Even looked wonderful, Isak couldn't stop looking at him. He had worn a black blazer with a black shirt underneath, which contrasted very well with his white skin. Isak stumbled twice because he couldn't stop looking at the boy.

They had a great date, of course, it was Isak's first date after accepting – more or less – himself, but still, he thought it was the best date ever! The two talked about Rosalita, Even's classes, and his drawings. Isak wanted to know what Even thought about when he was making them, and the other boy asked about his online classes. Isak already had 2 students.

 Isak didn’t believe the luck he had to have found Even, and maybe he would never understand how Even chose him, but he preferred not to think about it too much and just accept the love that filled his heart.

The two walked back to the house, laughing a lot because of the wine and the company, and when they arrived at the door of the building, Isak pulled Even a little before they entered.

"What is it?"

"Evy, if ... if we didn’t live together, you would take me home, right?" Even just nodded, “and… would you kiss me?”

"Yeah, of course, if you wanted to." Even said, putting his hands in Isak’s face, and by the look of apprehension on Even’s face, Isak saw that he didn’t quite understand.

“I mean, you would kiss me goodbye at the door, right?” He reformulated again, and then he got it.

"Do you want me to kiss you here?" he said smiling, and Isak just nodded.

Even ran his fingers over his cheekbones, and got close enough to touch his nose to Isak's, who had his hands on the other boy's neck. Even put his lips slowly on Isak's, who immediately opened his mouth a little. Even kissed him slowly, without deepening the kiss just tasting Isak's thin lips, then, he licked his lips as if asking for permission to enter, and the moment Isak opened his mouth even more, he kissed him like he had been wishing on doing since what seems like forever.

When Even ended the kiss, he pulled back a little, touching Isak's nose with his "Was this how you imagined it?" Even asked without distancing himself from Isak, who still couldn’t say anything, he wanted more from Even, much more.

After a few seconds, he opened his eyes and nodded his head.

The two went up the stairs in silence, and when they entered the apartment Isak pulled him into the room, closing the door and pulling Even for another kiss. While Isak kissed him, he started unbuttoning Even's shirt. He took it off and laid him on the bed. Isak stood on top noticing that Even was starting to get hard. He ran his hand over his bare chest and lowered it down to his jeans, opening them quickly.

When the two were only in their underwear, Isak returned to kiss him more and more intensely and aroused. He felt Even's hands hugging him, but he needed more, he needed to feel Even closer pressing against him.

He laid on his back and pulled Even on top of him, who followed him. He pressed Even's ass so he could feel the other boy against him, who was just as hard as he was, and Isak couldn’t believe he was going to have sex with Even now.

Even kissed his mouth, his jaw, and his neck, while Isak was totally out of breath and not knowing what to do. Once in a while Even spoke in his ear about how beautiful he was and how good it felt to have Isak like that, meanwhile, Even kept moving his hips slowly, creating friction between the two.

The moment Even started to bite and suck Isak's skin, he couldn't take it anymore and came, holding Even in his arms and moaning his name.

Isak hated having zero experience.

"I'm sorry," he said embarrassingly after he got his breathing under control.

"That’s ok" Even said kissing him again.

“You are still hard, aren’t you?”

"I am," he said, giving one last big kiss and lying on the bed next to him.

"Why did you move away?" Isak asked, turning quickly to Even.

“Because I’m still hard,” he said laughing “I need a little time for it to go down”

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I don’t know… for not having enough experience for us to have sex?"

"You were perfect, Isak." He said moving his body to give him another kiss. “You are perfect.”

Isak looked up and down at Even’s body. He put his hands on Even’s chest, kissed his neck, and started to lower his body, while Even just let him do whatever he wanted. He touched and gave him little bites everywhere, kissed his nipples and watched how his body reacted to all this.

He always thought that being with a boy was the most sinful thing to do, but right now, he just saw trust and love.

As Isak lowered his hand, even more, he finally touched Even’s cock, and the sound coming out of his mouth was the best thing he had ever heard. Isak laid down again on the bed, while stroking his cock, and kissed Even until he came too.

After they showered together, the two boys went to sleep. Even said in Isak's ear that the world wasn’t over and that God didn’t do anything, even though he had come because of a boy. Isak was starting to realize that maybe God didn't care so much about his sexuality.

Chapter Text

On Sunday they went to church, Isak got to choose which one, unless he did a horrible job and choose some really homophobic church, to which Even would veto it, but, he didn’t, he thought that maybe, going back to the church where he had his panic attack would be a good sign. If he went there and everything remained fine, then he could continue living his life with the plans he had created, which were minimal, of course, like continue with Even, break up with Emma and get a place to live. And, in case everything went wrong, he would return to Emma.

All of the options had been discussed with Even, who was very positive about the outcome, and this encouraged Isak, not a lot of course, but just enough to get there. Even was there, beside him, holding his hand, and Mikael accompanied them with Rosalita. Isak felt that his chosen family was by his side.

When the two entered, Mikael said that he would wait outside, sitting down to play with Rosalita. And right before they got in, Isak asked in Even's ear, "If I get scared, I can go?"

"Of course, but you won’t, you know why?" Even asked, and Isak just shook his head, “because you’re not alone with your fears anymore, I’m here, and Mikael is just outside, and we are with you, okay?”

"Ok, but I can leave, right?"

"Right!" he said laughing.

The boys sat on the last bench, near the door, and Isak didn’t let go of Even's hand during the entire mass. The priest talked about forgiveness and he started thinking that he should ask God to forgive him, for everything he has done, until he heard Even saying, that maybe it was God who was asking for forgiveness.

"Do you really think so?" he whispered.

"Yeah, He made you sad, but I’m sure He didn’t mean to."

"How are you sure?"

“Because you never meant to be sad, Issy. I already said it before, but I’ll say it again, whenever you need it to hear, you’re a wonderful person, and you deserve to be happy forever!”

Isak rested his head on Even's shoulder and the two finished attending Mass.

When they left the church, Mikael was at the door waiting, "How did it go?"

"I think it was fine, what did you think, Isak?" Even asked as he just nodded.

"Let’s go eat somewhere?" Mikael asked.

"There is a kebab place near here, we could go there." Isak said, “what do you guys think?”

It was different to take Even and Mikael there, not as horrible as it was to take Emma. It was as if Isak was introducing more people to the place that was his and the boys, and just as the thought came to him, he thought about wanting it to call Magnus.

"I should have asked for Mags’ number," he told Even, while they were walking to the place.

"I have his number" Even said, handing the cell phone to Isak

 "How do you have it?" Isak asked, looking at the number.

"That day he was at our place, he wanted you to have it and so I saved it, but I ended up forgetting to tell you, sorry, Issy."

Isak was too happy to worry. He texted him instantly.

Mags 🧸

Hi, Mags

It’s me, Isak

We’re at the kebab place

I know it’s kind of early

But I would love it if you could come here

Even is here too

And another friend of ours

It’s ok if you can’t

Issy!!!!

I'll be right there

Hmmm

Is it ok if Jonas tags along?

Isak starred at that message for a while, he had no idea how to respond. He wanted to see Jonas again, but he was scared of what could happen, not to mention that he had already done something very difficult today, he went to church without knowing whether or not he would receive God’s wrath.

"Is everything ok?" Even asked.

“I don’t know. Jonas wants to come.”

“Okay, you don’t want him to come? If not, say that you rather be just us and Mags, however If you want to say he can, then you should.”

"What if ... what if he hates me because I kissed him?"

"Nobody in the world would be mad because of a kiss from you." Even said, laughing.

“Even, I’m serious, he’s not gay, I shouldn’t have kissed him, what if he’s mad.”

“He’s not. You heard Mags, he was worried and he searched for you. That’s ok if you don’t want to see him, but if it’s just because you think he’s mad, he’s not.” Even said and tried to calm Isak by placing his hand on his back, “...and Mikael and I will be by your side, and if something goes wrong, we’ll let our little wild beast attack him” Even spoke by passing his hand over Rosalita, who was in Isak's hands.

Mags 🧸

Yeah

Sure

Isak sat with the boys at one of the tables outside the place. He didn't want to be on the bench, he thought it would look like he was rubbing the kiss on Jonas' face. He was tense and he kept looking everywhere as he waited for the other two boys to join them. Finally, 10 minutes later they showed up.

Magnus hugged everyone as always, said hi, and made jokes, while Jonas was behind him. He greeted Even first, then Mikael, going backwards at the table he even tried to caress Rosalita, but she hissed at him, and then he was in front of Isak.

"Hi."

"Hi."

The two boys stared at each other for a few seconds, while the others were talking among themselves, choosing what they would eat.

"I'm really happy to see you, Issy," Jonas spoke very softly.

"You are?" Isak asked incredulously.

“Of course, I am! Are you ok that I am here?” He asked, embarrassed, and Isak just nodded his head.

"I'm sorry ... for what happened ... last time," Isak said, wanting to get into a hole in the ground so he wouldn't have to go through this conversation.

"That’s ok, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I am."

Isak smiled and looked at his friends and his cat, the future would still be unknown and full of doubts and uncertainties, but it wasn’t that scary anymore. He had Even, Mikael and Magnus beside him, and soon enough, he would also have Jonas. Not to mention that apparently, God had asked for his forgiveness.

He never thought he would be here. When he moved to his mother's house, he never thought his life would be good again and that he would end up happy, and now that things were coming together piece by piece, he couldn't wait to know more about what could happen in the future.

Chapter Text

After that Sunday Isak felt that he could move forward, very slowly and still a little wary, onto his new life with Even. The first thing to do now was break up with Emma. He was sure it wouldn't be easy, and on Wednesday, he couldn’t wait any longer, and asked her to talk after their shift ended.

Afraid that everything would go wrong and he would end up asking the girl to marry him for fear of breaking up, he asked Even to pick him up. Emma and Isak sat on the bench and the boy looked at her face, wondering how he could say that he didn't want to date her anymore.

When he was at school, he just stopped answering the girls’ messages and stopped taking them out. Eventually, they would break up with him, but Isak didn't think his strategy would work with Emma.

He took her hands and looked at her straight at the face. "Emma," he said, still looking for the best way to end it. "You deserve someone much better than me." He said, thinking that was a good start, "you are a wonderful, intelligent and beautiful, and you need someone on your side who will give you all the attention in the world"

"I know, Isak, that's why I like you" Quickly Isak shook his head, afraid of where this conversation was going. "Even if you disappear sometimes,” she continued letting go of his hands and crossing her arms pretending that she was angry. “I still like you."

“No, Emma. I'm not the guy for you, I have a lot of problems, I have nowhere to live ...”

"You’ll move in with me!" she said, interrupting him.

“No, I can't live with you. This isn’t my only problem; I have no money ...”

"Isak, I don't care about that, I already told you, you’ll live with me and we’ll support each other until you get another job." She interrupted him again. "Let’s go to your friend's apartment to get your things."

She spoke and stood up, Isak asked her to sit down again.

"Emma, that's not what I'm saying, I can't live with you."

"But why? Everything is settled already. You’ll live with me and we’ll be together” she said, hugging Isak, making him much, much more nervous about everything.

"This is not what I want." He spoke softly. "Emma, I think you should find someone else."

“Stop being silly, why would I do that? We’re so good together, I love you and you love me, I would never choose another person. “

Isak looked Emma in the face, thinking that there was only one thing he could say that would make his girlfriend understand that this relationship wouldn’t work, but he really didn’t want to say it.

“Isak, I don't understand, everything is fine with us, we'll be together forever, I don't need to look for someone else, there's no reason."

"Yes, there is." He spoke quietly hoping that she would just accept it.

"Explain to me then, what is the reason for me to find a new boyfriend?"

"Emma, I'm gay!" and there it was. The first time he had come to terms with his sexuality had been shouting to his, hopeful, ex-girlfriend.

"What?" she spoke softly.

"I'm gay." Isak said feeling a giant relief in his chest, but just in case he decided to look at the sky looking for God. When he looked away from Emma, he found Even's face and couldn't help smiling. “I'm sorry to tell you like that, but it's the truth. Neither of us would be happy in that relationship. We better end it.”

Emma opened her eyes wide and started cursing Isak. She said several ugly and unpleasant things, but Isak was so relieved that they were over that he didn't care much about what she was saying. When she stopped talking, she gave Isak a shove and walked away.

He watched her as she walked away and wondered whether or not he should go after her, but one of the girls on the night shift came to meet her and hugged her, going back into the library.

"Halla!" Isak heard.

“Hi, Evy! I'm single!” he spoke happily, standing up and hugging Even.

“That’s a relief, I didn't like being the other woman.” Isak laughed at Even and shook his head.

The boys returned home hand in hand and kissed a lot until they went to sleep in each other's arms.

Since he started teaching, Isak had gotten two more students, and he had online classes almost every day of the week. He was excited to start making more money, and as much as he enjoyed living with Even, he thought he would soon be able to rent a room just for him.

Life was good and easy.

He kept talking to Magnus by message all week and arranged to go out with him on Saturday night, to meet his girlfriend. Even was also invited, of course, and Mags asked if he could call Jonas or not, but Isak pretended he didn't see the message and didn't respond.

Isak knew that theoretically everything was fine, but he wasn’t ready to see Jonas again, he wanted a couples outing, no stress, just to have a little fun, without having to worry about everything, but he didn’t feel very good about that until Even said that it wasn’t a bad thing to take a break from solving all his problems, he deserved a chill day.

So, they went to dinner.

Mags' girlfriend was a blonde, smiling girl named Vilde. They kept hugging and kissing, and Isak felt sheepish by that scene.

“We should kiss too,” Even said in his ear, “to show them who's couple is the cutest!”

"We’re not a couple, are we?" Isak asked.

"We are."

"But you never asked me to be your boyfriend." He said it shyly.

"Issy, I didn’t know you were a romantic guy." Even whispers in his ear putting his hand on Isak’s back.

"I'm not, but this is new to me, how do I know how gay people act?" This made Even laugh out loud, and Vilde and Mags turned their attention back to the other couple.

“We all act the same” Even said, “You don’t need to do anything different, just because you’re my future boyfriend.”

"Am I your future boyfriend?" Even just nodded.

“Stop flirting and talk to us!” Magnus said.

The rest of the night was great, but Isak couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of being Even’s real boyfriend.

“Even” He said when they were in bed, “when am I going to be your boyfriend?”

"When you’re ready."

"When will I be ready?"

Even laugh “I don’t know, you’re the one who has to know.”

"Now?" Isak lifted his body a little bit and looked at Even.

"Maybe not now."

"Why?"

“Because you just shouted to a girl that you're gay, and that was the first time you have said it. Maybe you need a little bit more time to accept yourself.”

"Did you hear that?" Even nodded. "...But I don’t want to lose you."

“You won’t, I’ll be here, waiting for you. And I know you’ll be ready soon.”

"How do you know?"

“Because every day I see you taking small steps in the right direction.”

"Yeah?"

"Yes, Issy."

Isak lay on Even’s chest and started kissing him in an innocent way until they were too sleepy to do anything more.

Chapter Text

The following week, Even went with Isak to see a room that was for rent. It was in an apartment near the college and had three bedrooms. The room they were looking at even had its own bathroom. Isak thought it would be too expensive because of that, but Even said he deserved that treat and the chance to not wet the hem of his pants every time he went for a shower.

When they got there, they were greeted by Eskild, who had chatted with Isak on Instagram. He showed the apartment and introduced him to Linn, who was hiding under the covers and just waved her hand out.

Isak remembered when he found Even under the covers and how horrible it was to see him like that, and wondered if it was a good idea to leave him alone and come to live here. "Evy ..." he said when the two were alone looking at the room.

Even analyzed the walls to paint something beautiful to be the background of Isak’s classes. "Yeah, Issy?" He spoke, paying attention to the other boy.

“Will you be okay without me? What if you get sad again, what if something happens to you?” Even came over to Isak and took his face in his hands.

“Stop worrying about everybody else, now is your turn to take care of yourself, and I think this should start right now, with this room, what do you think?”

Isak nodded his head a little and hugged Even. "But if you ever get sad, will you let me know?"

"I will! I will ask you for help, and you can ask me for help too. Do you know what happens after you save me?”

"I save you right back, yeah I saw Pretty Woman enough times to know."

After they signed the contract with Eskild, Even bought paint, a table, and a chair for Isak; while Isak had gone to Even's house to get his and Rosalita’s things for the new place. When Isak arrived, Even was already painting the wall.

"Rosalita had more stuff than I do." He said putting everything on the bed.

"We need to buy you more clothes, Issy."

“Stop spending money on me. Speaking of which, what is it all that, Even?”

"You said I could paint the wall."

"But what about these other things?"

“You're going to have a place to teach, Issy. To get rich soon and be able to take me on dates.” Even said kissing him.

After an afternoon of organizing everything and trying to disperse the smell of paint out of the room, the two boys were tired. Isak asked Even to take a shower with him, now that he had a bathroom all to himself.

Isak felt freer and freer from the bonds he had made himself, and the better his heart got, the more things he wanted to do with Even. He held Even's hand on the street, he kissed his face, and he touched his body. But now, being in the shower, he wanted even more.

Even was washing Isak's hair with the new shampoo they had chosen, and Isak wrapped his hands on Even's back, causing them to get closer and closer. He stood on tiptoe and kissed his neck and pulled him into a kiss under the shower.

All that water running through his body and Even's hands on him, made him feel good on his own skin and extremely aroused.

He felt Even’s hands on his ass, making him moan in the other boy’s mouth. Isak put his hand on Even's cock, which was already hard, and started to stroke it. He listened to Even moaning and kissing his body, and a few seconds later he felt Even’s finger more firmly on Isak, "You can tell me to stop if you want to, okay?" Even asked, but Isak just wanted more.

With the water falling on his body and Even in front of him, Isak felt good, just good, of course filled with lust and no desire to do anything or think anything until the feeling reached its climax. Of all the times he imagined this would happen, he never felt like that afterward, he always felt guilty and ashamed, but those feelings have never been so far from him as they were now.

And perhaps that’s why he wanted to go a little further. He kissed Even with purpose, he wanted to have sex, and he wanted Even to notice without him having to say it. When Even finally put his finger inside Isak, he thought Even got the hint, but Isak didn’t expect that the feeling would be so intense, and his legs softened, making Even have to hold his body quickly.

After a while, the feeling started to come back to his body, Even took his finger out, and before Isak could complain, Even was pushing two fingers inside Isak. It was a stretch, but Isak was feeling so good, and he vocalized a little bit too much of what he was feeling.

"Let’s get out of here?" he asked laughing, and Isak could only shake his head yes.

Isak ran to the bed, thankful that Rosalita was sleeping and Eskild had left. They shared a thin wall, and it wouldn’t be a good idea to make so much noise on his first night there.

Instead of Even running to the bed, he started fiddling with the bags that were still on the floor, "what are you doing?" Isak asked, "come to bed."

Even took three candles and put them on Isak's table, lighting them up. Then, he turned on his computer and chose a nice playlist, and finally took a condom and a sachet of lube from his wallet. "Now I’m ready." He spoke with a smile.

"Why did you do all this?" Isak asked looking at the candles

"Because you deserve it." He replied and kissed him.

It was a kiss after another until they were both breathless. Even ran a hand over Isak's chest, down to his belly, until he touched his cock and started stroking it, but Isak stopped him. "I'm not going to last anything if you do this," he said with embarrassment.

Even just kissed him and put his finger inside Isak again, watching him fall apart in his hands. He took a sachet of lubricant and continued prepping Isak, slowly analyzing his face, seeing him become a complete mess. "You are so beautiful like that, Issy." Isak only listened, unable to form a sentence other than Even and more.

And then, after a few more minutes, Even put on the condom and asked if Isak was ready, kissing him on the cheek.

"Evy,"

"Issy?"

"I’m ready to let you love me."

Even smiled and kissed Isak on the mouth, "I always have loved you." He put the tip of his cock on Isak’s rim. Little by little, he was inside him, and when Isak was full he crossed his legs behind Even’s back.

He kissed Isak as he got used to have Even inside, he moved slowly and heard Isak groaning, so he repeated the movement. When he was sure that Isak was fine with what was happening, he started to move with more certainty.

Isak kept saying Even's name and watching everything he did, holding his eyes open when Even hit Isak's spot. Isak didn't want to miss anything that was happening, he wanted to see Even loving him, he wanted to see how his body moved, how he bit his lips and how he kissed Isak the moment he needed it.

After some time, as much as he held it, Isak told Even that he was going to come and after three stockings, they both came.

They were lying there trying to catch their breath when Even gave Isak a kiss and said “this was the best thing we could have done to christen the place.” Isak just laughed and gave him a little push with the little strength he had left.

Chapter Text

Another beautiful drawing of Elliot, the new family all together ❤️

Isak had a routine, a home, a cat, two jobs, and an almost-boyfriend. He didn't need anything else in his life, it’s just that ... there was someone missing.

He wanted to talk to Jonas again. Since the day he saw him at the kebab’s place, he no longer had the courage to do anything afraid of every repercussion, but now, Isak felt a little braver, a little more in control of his life.

  And it was with that thought, and that thought alone, that Isak picked up the phone and asked Mags for Jonas’ number, who sent it without asking any questions.

Jonas

Hi

Hi

Who is this?

It’s Isak

Oh

Hi, Isak

Is everything ok there?

Yeah, ofc

I just thought

I don’t know

Maybe

If you were up to it

We could

do something?

Of course!

Where?

Where indeed? Isak thought of nothing more than saying hi to Jonas, the rest of this conversation hadn’t been pre-planned in his brain.

Jonas

I don’t know.

Do you want to go eat something?

Or maybe you could come here?

Going to Jonas' place seemed like a strange thing to do now, he has spent so many days on Jonas's couch looking at his face while he and Mags played FIFA. Going back there now, was like he was going to the past and to the Isak from the past. Maybe going there wouldn’t be a good idea.

Jonas

I don't wanna go there.

He replied hoping he didn't sound like a five-year-old. And while he thought and waited for Jonas to respond, he kept petting Rosalita, who bit Isak's finger. She normally didn't do this, but she had taken up this habit - Isak had seen on YouTube that the way to solve this was to buy other toys for Rosalita.

Jonas

Do you want to go buy a toy for Rosalita

With me?

I need to go

Maybe you could come too?

If it’s ok

It may not seem like a normal thing to do

But

I don’t know

What do you think

?

Of course, Issy

Isak *

Where shall we go?

After searching a little bit Isak found a place that was kind of close to the two of them and he sent the location to Jonas.

"Hi," Isak said, waving his hand to Jonas.

"Oh, did you bring her?"

"Of course, she needs to choose her toy." As soon as Isak said he was a little embarrassed, “Why? Do you think I shouldn't have?”

"No, of course not, it's just that she hates me, right?" Jonas said with a little smile.

"She doesn't hate you; she just doesn't know you," Isak said looking at Jonas's face.

"So, we have to change that, don't we?" Jonas raised his hand slowly to pet Rosalita's head, who tried to bite him. "Yeah, maybe if I buy her a present, she'll start to like me more." Isak laughed and the two went to look for something for her.

Half an hour later they left the store with a bag of various toys and Jonas suggested that they should get ice cream.

"So" Jonas started talking after they were sitting down to eat their ice cream and Rosalita drank water. The conversation so far had been centered on Rosalita and what she would like. "How are you?"

“I’m fine.” Isak smiled, happy to know that he was telling the truth.

“I’ve missed you.” He spoke looking at the ice cream.

"I thought ... I thought you were mad at me ... because of what I did," he said, looking up a little to see Jonas.

“I was just surprised. I didn’t know what to say when you kissed me, I’m sorry, I should have said something different, anything else, actually, but I didn’t, I was defensive and I hurt you. But I never ever thought that you were going to disappear, or that you were afraid of me. I'm really sorry, Issy. Isak.”

"You can call me Issy."

“Issy. I am sorry. I want you to know that it doesn’t make any difference to me if you like boys, or girls, or anything, or nothing. You are my friend, and I love you. I'm sorry if it didn't seem like that. I wish I could go back in time and change what I said.”

“Yeah, me too. I had to go to my mom’s place thinking that you hated me, because of the kiss.” Isak said, realizing that he hadn't thought about those days in a few weeks. "It was kind of horrible, Jonas." He said, relieving his heart a little.

"What happened there?" Jonas asked, placing his hand on top of Isak's, which made Rosalita go over there to try to bite Jonas.

"A lot," Isak told him about all the months and fears there, cried a little, explained how he met Even and talked about the panic attacks, he even told him about the promise he had made with God, and cried more. When he finished, Isak felt like he was empty of bad things.

“I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that alone, I should have been there, but if you let me, I’ll be here by your side now.” Isak just nodded. "Do you know how your mom is doing now?"

"No, I didn't have the courage to find out what happened afterward." He said with embarrassment, "I am a terrible son, right?"

"No, you are not! You’re just a person, Issy. Do you want me to go with you to see her and find out what happened?”

“Will you think I’m awful if I say I don't want to find out yet? I'm afraid I won't be able to be happy again and I want to enjoy that feeling a little more.”

“You are not horrible, and you never were! You don't have to go now, only when you are ready, if you’re ever ready and even if you go to see her, nothing that happens there will make you sad forever, you were born to be happy, Isak, everyone was born to be happy.”

Isak nodded. “When ... If ... I would like your company the day I’ll go visit her, wherever she is.”

"Of course, Issy," Jonas responded by placing his hand in Isak's and trying to caress Rosalita with the other before she bit him again, but she let him pet her just for a while and then pushed him with her little paw and left.

Even ❤️

Hey, kittens

Can I go to yours?

Yeah, ofc

I’m eating ice cream with Jonas,

but we’ll be back there soon

"Even texted me, he's going to my house, do you want to come with me there?"

"Yeah." He spoke, getting up and gathering Rosalita's bag and water, who hissed again to him, "do you think that one day she will ever like me?"

"You have to be patient with her."

"I will. Tell her that I'm not going anywhere." He said smiling.

As Isak went back to home to meet his almost-boyfriend, with his best friend by his side, he realized that the more and more he opened up and asked for help, the more his life became easier and the idea of the evil God he had created started to distance from his mind.

Now Isak thought beautiful things about him and his sexuality, he heard words of love from Even and from Jonas; and even if there were still one or another ugly word in his head, he knew that they were not locked in his head. Isak knew that he could ask for help and love from Even and that the more patience he had with himself, the more the ugly things would go away altogether.

He still had a lot to work on, but he had a bright future with Even ahead, his Sunshine boy; he started to believe that Jonas would also be part of his future and that meant that whatever happened to his dream to become a doctor or to his mother who still had a mental illness, didn't seem that scary anymore, as long as he didn’t put up any more walls around him, the future was unknown but he knew everything would work itself out.