Chapter Text
How to care for your 🕺Sherlock
John created the group chat 'How to care for your 🕺Sherlock'
John added G. Lestrade, Molly! :3
1:34pm
G. Lestrade: ?
John: This is your crisis hotline for any and all inquiries regarding Sherlock Holmes while I am away for this medical conference. You will need it. Trust me.
G. Lestrade added Mr.Anderson, Sally from 'Cars'
Sally from 'Cars': Is this what I think it is
Mr.Anderson: Why
G. Lestrade: So that you know I have as much information as you do and stop expecting me to magically handle him somehow. I’m not John.
G. Lestrade: Also because it will hopefully impose upon you the importance of behaving your fucking selves. You’re literally the two officers charged with handling his involvement with cases, and you whine like children.
Sally from 'Cars': You’re only saying that because Watson’s here. Coward
G. Lestrade: One day your insubordination will outweigh your competence at your job, and I will finally get to fire you
Mr.Anderson: You love us xoxo
G. Lestrade: ew
Molly! :3: This feels wrong… I don’t want to talk about Sherlock without him here. It feels like going behind his back.
G. Lestrade: Oh, it’s not so bad, Molly…
John: Molly
John: Don’t do it
Molly! :3 added SH
John: shit
G.Lestrade: shit.
Sally from 'Cars': Christ’s sake
Mr.Anderson: oh, marvellous
SH: John, I do not see the point of this. I have enough interaction with these idiots as is, any more might do my intellect permanent damage. Besides, you already left me the bowl, the jumper, the book, the tea, extra milk and an empty drawer for the human/mammalian jawbones. The list of conditions for your departure is still up on the board. The firearm, harpoon, hydrochloric acid, and syringes are all hidden from me. The flat is papered with reminder sticky-notes. You promised you’d call. You even spoke to Mycroft, if I’m not mistaken, and I’m not. What more could you possibly need to prepare? -SH
G. Lestrade: I thought you preferred to text.
Sally from 'Cars': THAT’S what you got from that??
Molly! :3: Ehm, sorry, what’s the bowl for?
John: s i g h
John: It’s a bowl of patented Watson advice. He has to take a piece of paper from it whenever he’s in doubt/about to do something.
SH: I have read them all, but replaced them as requested. I shall endeavour to honour this arrangement. -SH
John: Appreciate it
Mr.Anderson: I want to hear one of these advices
SH: ‘Advices’. Good god. Don’t leave me here, John. -SH
G. Lestrade: That’s adorable. Can I hear a slip from the bowl, Sherlock?
SH: Certainly not. They’re not for you. -SH
John: You can have one from my bowl, Greg.
G. Lestrade: You have one too?
John: Not to be outdone, as soon as he caught on to what I was doing he wrote me my own patented Holmes bowl so I wouldn’t get bored or ‘succumb to soul-sucking mundanity and return to him lesser.’
SH: You can’t have any of those either. I wrote those for John, not you, Geoff. -SH
SH: Guess what I’m playing, John. -SH
John: ‘Betrayal of the Finest’?
SH: In G major. -SH
Sally from 'Cars': Yikes
Molly! :3: I’ve never heard of that song before.
SH: It’s an original piece. -SH
John: He wrote it for me the first time I threw out his mould cultures.
Mr.Anderson: the FIRST time?? ?
Sally from 'Cars': Every window I get into your life with the freak leaves me horrified
SH: You are the definition of soul-sucking mundanity. -SH
Molly! :3: Don’t call him names.
John: Alright, I just read a Holmes slip from the bowl and I’m not repeating that anyway
Mr.Anderson: Ew, keep your weird medeival sexting to yourself
SH: Mediaeval* -SH
John: It’s about the effects of cyanide on stomach acidity, Anderson.
SH: Did you like it, John? -SH
John: …Sure.
Molly! :3: That’s so thoughtful! Unconventional, but thoughtful, just like Sherlock! c:
John: No one correct her. It’s refreshing to see hope.
Sally from 'Cars': Wow, that’s sad.
Mr.Anderson: Lol
🧣🐝Sher🕺lock 🐝🧣
5:32pm
SH: <photoattachment.png>
SH: John, this pepper shaker contains a blend that matches eight out of about thirty-two recorded shades that I have observed in your hair almost perfectly. That is four more than most pepper blends observed in standard diner supplied pepper shakers. -SH
SH: The ratio is off, though. The slate grey granules are proportionally acceptable to the number of granules that resemble sand in arid eastern climates after a standard-length drought, which I have classified ‘Kandahar’ (as that is where you served for the longest period and is likely where the shade lightened). However, the slightly darker shade of brown granules that I have called ‘Lampropeltis’ (since it matches the scales found on the underbelly of an adult male King Snake almost exactly) are approximately twenty percent over the correct proportional amount. Conversely, the lighter shade that I refer to as ‘Wicker’ and the darker that I refer to as ‘Loam’ are about fifty percent and thirty nine percent under, respectively. -SH
SH: I will attempt to ameliorate this by adding approximately twelve percent from the salt shaker to the mix. -SH
SH: <photoattachment.png>
SH: Now that I have introduced roughly the correct amount of crystalline white salt granules (minimal in variation) to the blend, the contents of the pepper shaker match nine out of your thirty-two recorded shades. Five more than standard. -SH
SH: <photoattachment.png>
SH: I spilled the salt. -SH