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Chapter Text

Nolan’s heart caught in his throat as the gunman fired at Gabe and Liam. He snatched the fire extinguisher off the wall as the shots kept coming. Liam was on the ground now, and Gabe– Oh god, Gabe.

Nolan slammed the metal canister against the back of the hunter’s head, and he crashed to the floor. Nolan didn’t look at him; he couldn’t take his eyes off the horrifying sight in front of him. Blood gurgled from Gabe’s lips, and he looked right at Nolan as he fell to his knees, then tumbled face first to the hospital floor.

This couldn’t be happening. It had to be a mistake, a sick joke, a cruel initiation the hunters were putting Nolan through.

Gabe gasped and sputtered as he slid around on his stomach and crawled toward a supply cabinet along the back wall. There was no mistake. No one could make sounds like that unless–

Shards of ice tore through Nolan’s blood vessels and his gut twisted violently as Gabe cried out, sobbing about how much it hurt as he propped himself against the glass and metal cabinet.

Theo stepped forward, following the thick swath of blood smeared across the white tile until he was standing in front of Gabe. Theo could fix this, right? He could heal Gabe. He was a werewolf. They had special powers. Gabe was going to be fine.

Theo held Gabe’s wrist and asked him if it still hurt. Gabe whispered that it didn’t – and Nolan knew. He knew that Theo had helped, but he couldn’t fix this. Gabe was...

Time stopped. Theo walked away, shoulders heavy. Melissa McCall said something to Nolan in a soothing voice. Mason and Corey passed in front of him, eying him with a mix of suspicion and pity. None of it seemed real. Nothing seemed real as Nolan stood in front of Gabe...in front of his body. It was horrific, the most gruesome thing Nolan had ever seen, and he couldn’t look away from it.

“Sshh, come on. I’ll take you home.” Strong hands closed around Nolan’s shoulders, and he realized he had been shaking, that his face was wet and his eyes hurt.

He turned and buried his head against the chest of the person with the strong hands. He didn’t look up as he was guided down the hallway. One of the hands rubbed his back while the other remained on his shoulder, anchoring him to this nightmare. Should he be grateful? He wasn’t. He wanted to slip away. He wanted to wake up.

The elevator chimed, and as he boarded it, Nolan finally raised his head to identify the strong-handed person. Liam.

Nolan let go and backed up. Liam hated him. He wanted to kick Nolan’s ass, and Nolan couldn’t blame him, not after the way that he and Ga– after the way Liam had been jumped at school. Nolan turned his head as a sob racked his body. He clenched his mouth shut, clamping down around the pathetic sound and trying to retain whatever shreds of dignity he had left.

Liam squeezed Nolan’s shoulder and let his forearm rest across Nolan’s back.

Nolan looked at Liam with bleary eyes. He hated himself for it, but everything hurt and he couldn’t resist winding his arms around Liam’s chest and laying his head there. He didn’t understand why Liam was being nice to him, but he had already made the mistake of touching Nolan. He had already broken down too many of Nolan’s fragile walls; it was Liam’s fault Nolan was a blubbering, quaking mess against his chest.

“Nolan, come on, man. It’s gonna be okay.” Liam’s tone was thick with discomfort, and he held his arms rigidly by his sides.

Nolan was about to let go when Liam sighed and patted his back, then rubbed it, and then Nolan was sobbing again and clinging to Liam just as tightly as before.

“Okay, we have to walk through the lobby,” Liam said as the elevator chimed. “Do you wanna pull yourself together?”

Nolan shook his head.

“Ohh-kay. Well I guess crying in a hospital isn’t that weird.”

Nolan closed his eyes and refused to open them as Liam led them through the lobby and out of the building. He finally composed himself as Liam put him in the passenger seat of the car and went around to the driver’s side. He resolved not to cry again until he was at home, alone in his room.

It was an awkward ride to his house. He had embarrassed himself in front of Liam. Only the fact that Liam’s opinion of him couldn’t sink any lower kept him from freaking out about it. That and the fact that Nolan didn’t have any friends Liam could embarrass him by telling.

“Thanks for the ride,” Nolan mumbled as Liam pulled into his driveway.

“Are your parents not home?” Liam asked, eying the dark house and tilting his head as if listening.

Nolan didn’t look up as he unbuckled his seatbelt. “My mom died when I was a kid. My dad’s outta town on a business trip.”

“Wait.” Liam stopped Nolan as he reached for the handle of the door. He took a weary breath. “Do you wanna come to my house?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Nolan thought it over. Normally he would have jumped at the chance to spend time with someone away from school, but tonight he just wanted to be in a familiar place as he tried to get his head around everything that had happened. “I think I better stay here.”

“Okay.” Liam sounded relieved, and Nolan was an asshole because he decided not to let Liam off the hook.

“But you could stay over if you wanted?”

Liam frowned and Nolan was sure he was going to say no. Instead he turned off the car and pulled his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll call my mom and let her know.”

Liam followed Nolan into the house. It was a surreal experience listening to him talk to his mom on the phone. Nolan had never really considered that Liam had a family, a family that cared about him based on the length of the conversation and the way Liam had to reassure his mom that he was okay and that the Anuk-Ite threat was over. Liam’s step-dad even got on the phone for awhile. It made Nolan feel like an even bigger sociopath for trying to kill Liam.

Nolan took a ragged breath and leaned against the wall by the front door as he thought about how devastated Gabe’s family would be when they found out. His parents would be crushed; his little sister would fall apart; his older brother might start doing drugs again. Should Nolan be the one to tell them? If he didn’t, who would? Ms. McCall? A random doctor at the hospital? At least they knew Nolan. Maybe it would be slightly less painful coming from him.

Dread settled in Nolan’s gut and he knew he couldn’t do it. What had happened to Gabe was his fault. If he had knocked that hunter out faster...

No, there was no way Nolan would even be able to look at Gabe’s family. He was going to take the coward’s way out and he knew it. He was going to let some stranger break the news because he didn’t have the courage to be a decent human being and face up to what he had done.

“You okay?” Liam asked as he hung up. His hand once again landed on Nolan’s shoulder.

Nolan shook his head and resisted the urge to hug Liam. It wouldn’t have been fair, not after all the crap he had done to Liam.

“C’mere.” Liam tugged Nolan against his chest and wrapped him up in a tight embrace. It still wasn’t fair, but he didn’t have the will to protest. No one had held him like this in a very long time.

“I’m sorry about everything,” Nolan whispered, turning his face so his words wouldn’t be muffled, although Liam probably could have heard them anyway.

“Yeah, I know.” Liam walked them to the couch and rubbed Nolan’s back as they sat down. “It’s okay. I’m not mad anymore.”

Nolan sat up enough to look at Liam but continued leaning against him. “I thought you wanted to kick my ass?”

“Not anymore.”

“How come?”

“’Cause you did the right thing before it was too late. You, uh...” Liam frowned down at his lap. “You even saved my life tonight. That hunter would have, uhm...I mean after he was done with, uh...He would have turned the gun back on me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, and earlier in the hall when you warned me and Theo about...”

“Right.”

“So thanks.” Liam settled back against the couch and gave Nolan a questioning look as he spread his arms.

Nolan collapsed into Liam’s embrace, his elbow resting on the back cushion of the couch as he draped his arm around Liam’s neck.

“You saved my life too,” Nolan whispered. “You know, by not taking it.”

Liam laughed and squeezed him. “I don’t think it works like that.”

“I thought you were gonna kill me at the zoo, but you were trying so hard not to.”

“You hesitated too. You coulda shot me before I got to you.”

Nolan sat up and looked into Liam’s bright blue eyes. “I never meant for any of this to happen. I never wanted anyone to die. I thought...I thought you guys were monsters, but I was wrong. I made a mistake trusting Monroe and...” Nolan took a trembling breath and forced the words out. “And it got Gabe killed.”

Liam’s jaw twitched, and he answered through tight lips. “Gabe made his own decisions.”

Nolan shook his head. “I introduced him to the hunters. He got involved because of me.”

“He still made his own decisions, Nolan.”

Nolan didn’t want to argue, so he stood. “Let’s get cleaned up. I’ll lend you some clothes.”

They took showers. Nolan spent most of his sitting in the tub crying and hoping Liam couldn’t hear him. When he emerged from his bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, he found Liam sitting on his bed, dressed in the sweatpants and t-shirt Nolan had lent him.

Nolan hesitated with his hands hovering over the towel. He had changed in front of Liam plenty of times for lacrosse, but it felt weird doing it alone with Liam in his bedroom. “I have some extra toothbrushes under the sink if you want to brush your teeth.”

“Yeah thanks.” Liam hopped off the bed and stepped past Nolan, pulling the bathroom door halfway shut behind him.

Nolan quickly dressed in a pair of pajama pants and a loose t-shirt and was sitting in the same spot Liam had occupied by the time Liam came back into the room. “Wanna order a pizza or something?”

Liam smirked at him. “I just brushed my teeth.”

“Oh yeah.” Nolan’s cheeks warmed.

Liam chuckled. “But it looks like you have plenty of toothpaste and brushing again won’t kill me, so sure, let’s get a pizza.”

Nolan nodded, wishing they would stop talking about people getting killed.

They ordered their food on Nolan’s tablet and went back to the living room to wait. Liam flipped through channels while Nolan sat next to him on the couch, trying to fight the rising nausea in his gut. He didn’t want to eat; he had only suggested the pizza because it seemed like he should offer Liam something.

“There’s nothing good on.” Liam said, clicking off the TV.

“Gabe was my boyfriend.” Nolan wasn’t sure why he had blurted out the revelation. It might have been because this was the only chance he would ever get to tell someone.

Liam’s eyes widened, and his lips parted in surprise. “I didn’t know that.”

“It just started. He didn’t want to tell anyone because he thought Monroe and Gerard might use it to manipulate us.”

“Oh.” Liam nodded, his face neutral. “Yeah, good call.”

“I met his family. We were gonna tell ‘em after all this...” Nolan swallowed and looked away. “After everything was over.”

Liam didn’t say anything, just squeezed Nolan’s shoulder.

“We had sex too – twice. He topped.”

“Uhm...cool.”

Nolan rubbed his burning face. “I don’t know why I told you that.”

Liam shrugged. “I think what you’re really telling me is that he mattered. He was important to you.”

Tears burned Nolan’s eyes as he nodded. He turned away from Liam on the couch, embarrassed to be crying in front of him, again. He was about to get up when Liam rubbed his back and whispered that it was okay, and he found himself lying back against Liam’s chest instead.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Nolan asked, staring down at Liam’s hands folded over his stomach. He tentatively squeezed Liam’s hand and snuggled deeper into his embrace. Gabe hadn’t been much of a cuddler.

“I feel sorry for you.”

Nolan cringed. If he had any dignity whatsoever he would get up. He stayed put.

“And ever since the whole Anuk-Ite thing started, I’ve been having trouble controlling myself. Now I’m not, and it feels really good that I can be around” –Liam hesitated and took a breath, his chest expanding against Nolan’s back– “around you and not feel any urge to hurt you. It’s pretty cool that you seem to trust me too.”

Nolan laid his head back against Liam’s shoulder, proving Liam’s point. He felt safe, really safe, safer than he had in months. “I think I was only afraid because of the Anuk-Ite too.”

“Maybe we can be friends.”

“You mean it?” Nolan turned his head and looked at Liam. It was weird that their faces were so close, but Nolan liked it. “No one ever wants to be my friend.” Crap. Nolan needed to stop saying stuff like that. He knew how pathetic it made him sound.

Liam shrugged and tilted his face away.

Nolan’s cheeks burned as he lifted his head and faced forward again. Gabe used to hate the close eye contact thing too.

“I know I’m weird. You don’t have to be my friend.”

Liam laughed and hooked his chin over Nolan’s shoulder. “Dude, Mason is like my only normal friend. Everyone else is either a werewolf, werecoyote, chimera, or banshee. Scott told me we were brothers on the second day I knew him...after he had kidnapped me the night before. Corey used to turn invisible and eavesdrop on my conversations. Lydia sees visions of monsters and dead people. Malia wants to attack anything that moves. And Theo...is Theo. I’m not judging.”

“Wait, so you and Theo are friends?”

“Of course – but don’t tell him.”

Nolan laughed as Liam stroked a soothing line across his stomach with his thumb. It felt so good that Nolan opened his mouth to tell Liam his secret, but the doorbell rang, cutting him off and signaling the arrival of their pizza. Nolan groaned in disappointment before he could stop himself.

“It’s okay,” Liam said softly near Nolan’s ear. “I’m staying all night.”

Liam gave him one more squeeze, and they got up to go get their food.

Chapter Text

Nolan stared up at the shadows on his bedroom ceiling. If he squinted they looked like pools of blood seeping out from his overhead fan the way Gabe’s blood had seeped from his body. He rolled onto his side and stared at a different set of shadows; one looked like a rifle, another like a werewolf hand with its claws out.

He closed his eyes and Gabe’s fist hurtled toward his face. Gabe sneered at him, hateful and angry. Nolan had disappointed him. Nolan had–

The sensation of cold metal in his hands as he knocked out the hunter.

Too slow. Too slow.

Blood on the floor; blood on the ceiling.

Fists, and rifles, and claws.

Pop, pop, pop.

The hospital hallway. Crouching for cover beside Melissa McCall.

Monsters.

Hunters.

Monsters.

Hunters.

Pop, pop, pop.

Gabe. Terrified eyes. Knowing eyes. Knowing he’s going to–

Falling.

Falling.

It hurts!

Blood on tile. Red and white, smudges and wet trails.

It hurts!

Coughing up blood. Agony on his face.

Does it hurt anymore?

No.

Fading. The light in Gabe’s eyes fading.

Does it hurt anymore?

No.

So quiet. Almost gone.

Does it hurt anymore?

No.

Blood. So. Much. Blood.

Does it hurt anymore?

Doesn’t hurt anymore. Doesn’t hurt anymore.

No.

Nolan took a shaky breath and sat up.

It still hurt.

He wiped his eyes. They were sore from crying, but also from Gabe’s fists. His jaw ached too, and a knot throbbed on the back of his head whenever he put pressure on it. He got up and went to the bathroom to examine himself in the mirror. Bruises had formed across his face. Liam hadn’t said anything about them. Had he noticed? Had he cared? Of course not, why would he?

Nolan sat on the edge of his bed in the darkened room, poking and prodding at his injuries to make the pain flare. In a weird way they were all he had left of Gabe. He took a halting breath as tears trickled down his hot, aching cheeks. He’d gladly let Gabe hit him all he wanted if he could just have him back.

After crying for a few minutes, Nolan crept into the living room. His slippers muted his footsteps enough that he was able to sneak up on the sleeping werewolf without rousing him.

Liam was curled up on the couch with his back to Nolan, his breathing slow and heavy. He seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Could monsters even have nightmares?

Nolan frowned at the voices in his head: Monroe, Gerard, Aaron...Gabe. They wanted him to believe Liam and his kind were evil...but were they?

Nolan giggled under his breath. It would be so easy to tiptoe to the kitchen and get a knife. He could plunge it into Liam’s back before he ever woke up. He knew enough about anatomy to know where to aim to pierce his heart. If Nolan did it right, Liam would never wake up.

He took a deep breath and held it until the impulse passed. A familiar sense of shame settled within his chest and he relaxed into it. It didn’t feel as good as Liam’s arms around him, but it was his constant companion, and the niggling itch of self-loathing it evoked was reassuring.

“Li-am,” Nolan called in a singsong voice as he stroked Liam’s shoulder.

Liam gasped and rolled over, golden eyes blazing in the darkness.

“Are you comfortable?” Nolan whispered, smiling down at his new friend.

Liam blinked at him, his eyes cooling. He groaned and stretched, a grimace on his face. “M’okay.” He cocked his head at Nolan and scrunched his forehead. “Why ya up?”

Nolan shrugged and bit his lip. Why was he up? What did he expect Liam to do for him?

Liam’s nostrils flared and he frowned. “You’ve been crying some more.”

Nolan shrugged harder and turned away. He should have just stayed in bed.

The couch creaked as Nolan walked toward the hall, and when he looked back he found Liam standing on his toes with his arms over his head, twisting his body and making contented little grunts. Nolan’s cheeks heated at the way the front of Liam’s sweatpants – actually Nolan’s sweatpants – bulged. Was Liam wearing any underwear? Nolan hoped not.

“What are you doing?” Nolan whispered as Liam crossed the room, a soft smile on his sleepy face.

“Being a better person.” Liam patted Nolan’s shoulder and guided him back up the hallway to his room.

Nolan swallowed and climbed in bed, leaving the covers pulled back for Liam.

Liam slid in beside him and their hips and thighs touched through their pants as he settled in and straightened the blankets.

Nolan lasted all of three seconds before he threw himself on top of the other boy and rubbed his face against the soft cotton covering his chest.

Liam laughed and cupped the back of Nolan’s head. That had to be an accident. He must have meant to pat Nolan’s back, which was already so much more than Nolan could ask for.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Nolan whispered, trembling as he thought about the things he had almost done to Liam. He hoped Liam would attack him in the night, not to prove him right, just because he deserved it.

“Stop thinking and go to sleep.” Liam’s voice was stern, but the hand stroking Nolan’s shoulder and back was gentle.

Nolan nodded and released the breath he was holding, letting the tension drain from his muscles as he relaxed against Liam. He even let the shame and self-loathing unwind from his chest for the time being. They would be waiting like old friends for Nolan when he woke up.

Chapter Text

Consciousness seeped into Nolan’s mind like storm water rotting the foundation of a home. He opened his eyes, barely aware of the problem. How could there be anything wrong when he was curled around a warm, muscular body with strong, heavy arms holding him gently in place?

Nolan and Gabe had never slept together before, and in the corner of his mind, Nolan knew this body wasn’t Gabe’s – the chest was a little too broad, and the legs were a little too short. The arms were a little too affectionate, and the hands were a little too strong – but Nolan could pretend that everything was okay, that the floodwaters would drain away and leave his home intact.

A thumb stroked Nolan’s elbow, and he couldn’t pretend anymore. Gabe wouldn’t do that. This was a different home. But maybe it could survive the storm. Maybe Nolan could hold the flood at bay. A chin nuzzled the top of Nolan’s head, and he gave up.

“You’re going to leave.” Nolan trembled as he said it, but his eyes were dry so he counted it as a win.

“What do you mean?” Liam whispered, his stupid, strong arms tightening around Nolan’s body.

“You have to go home don’t you?” Nolan’s lips curled into a bitter smile against Liam’s chest.

“Yeah.” Liam shrugged.

“And I’ll be alone,” Nolan whispered, hating how much it hurt being faced with Liam’s departure. Nolan was pissed at him for being so nice, for making Nolan like him so much.

Liam laughed, cruel and dismissive – he made it sound warm and light so that it would hurt Nolan more. “I think you’re being a little dramatic. We’ll see each other at school on Monday.”

Dramatic.

You’re always so goddamn dramatic about everything. Nolan’s dad had shaken his head and picked up his suitcase, leaving Nolan crying by the door as he left for his business trip.

Stop being such a drama queen. Gabe had yanked his pants up and walked out of the room after their first time, leaving Nolan empty and sore on the bed.

Boy’s too dramatic to be a hunter. We need soldiers not bleeding hearts. Gerard hadn’t even looked at Nolan as he made his assessment to Ms. Monroe, leaving Nolan humiliated in a room full of his new peers.

“Nolan, what is it?” Liam’s voice was filled with malicious kindness designed to make Nolan ashamed of his feelings.

“I’m crazy okay?!” Nolan sat up, folding his arms and glaring at Liam’s handsome, shocked face. “I know you’re just going home, and that if I wasn’t freaking out you’d maybe still wanna be my friend, but” –Nolan let out a small sob and ran a hand through his hair, desperately wishing he could take back the last thirty seconds– “I can’t help it.”

Liam sat up and turned, leaning back against the wall as he looked at Nolan, eyebrows drawn together. “Are you mad at me?”

“Yeah.” Nolan frowned. He was furious, scared, and mortified all at the same time. “But it’s not your fault.” He dropped his eyes to the blankets in his lap and smoothed away the wrinkles. “I really am crazy.”

“You’re not crazy.” Liam rubbed Nolan’s upper arm. The kindness on his face no longer seemed malicious. “You’ve been through a lot. Maybe you should talk to a counselor, not Monroe obviously but–”

“I have a psychologist. I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell her about any of this...” Nolan sighed and gave Liam an apologetic smile. He felt less like sharing his secret now than he had the night before, but now he owed it to Liam to tell him the truth. “I have BPD. It’s–”

“Borderline Personality Disorder. I met people with it when I was in anger management.”

“You were in anger management?” Nolan relaxed a little. He should have been more nervous that Liam had an anger problem, but there was something comforting about knowing Liam could relate at least a little to having emotional problems. “Was it because you’re a werewolf?”

Liam shook his head. “I have IED – Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I was diagnosed before I became a werewolf. I dunno know too much about BPD, just that people with it sometimes get irrationally angry like IED people.”

“Yeah, and we have a lot of a-abandonment issues and mood swings.”

“Are you on any medication?”

“No.” Nolan relaxed a little more and shuffled closer to Liam on the bed until their knees were almost touching. Liam didn’t seem as freaked out about Nolan’s revelation as Gabe had been. “I go to a therapist once a week to talk and learn cognitive and behavioral strategies. I was on some medicine to help with my anxiety and depression for awhile. It helped with the insomnia too, but they don’t like to leave people with BDP on stuff like that for too long. We’re prone to...”

Liam nodded and gave Nolan a patient look.

Nolan didn’t feel angry or scared anymore. He edged closer until his knees were resting on top of Liam’s under the covers.

“We’re prone to suicide and self harm.”

A flash of distress crossed Liam’s face, but he was calm as he squeezed Nolan’s arm and stroked a soothing line over Nolan’s bicep.

“I don’t have that part of it, honest.” Nolan met Liam’s eyes and held his gaze. “I won’t, like, hurt myself if you’re mean to me. You don’t have to worry about that. They just don’t want us to have access to something we could overdose on just in case.”

Liam was silent for a moment before lying down and patting the bed.

Nolan stretched out next to him and snuggled back, letting Liam spoon him from behind.

“Thank you for telling me.” Liam rubbed Nolan’s chest, and pressed their legs together. “I’m a huge dick to my friends sometimes, and it’s no excuse, but I think it helps that they know about my condition.”

Nolan swallowed and risked covering the back of Liam’s hand with his palm. “So you’ll still be my friend?”

“I’m already your friend, Nolan.” Liam spread his fingers and Nolan’s slotted between them.

“Can we go back to sleep for a while before you” –Nolan tried not to choke on the word. He almost believed Liam would come back– “leave?”

“Yeah. What are Sundays for if not sleeping in?”

Nolan closed his eyes and tried to ignore the fears racing through his mind. He had survived his first storm with Liam. That was worth celebrating.

Chapter Text

Nolan rubbed the swollen, bruised skin beneath his eye as he scrolled through pictures of himself and Gabe on his phone. His fingers were wet and his vision blurry. He knew he should stop, but this was the only activity that had been able to occupy his attention for more than thirty seconds since Liam had gone home around noon after their lunch of leftover pizza.

He pulled up the brand new contact in his phone and opened their empty text history. Liam had said Nolan could text or call him whenever he wanted, but he hoped Liam would send the first message. He knew how clingy he had been since last night and how off-putting it was to be so needy. He took a deep breath and held it.

Once the urge to text Liam had passed, Nolan resumed playing with his black eye and staring at pictures of the dead boyfriend who had given it to him. The more he rubbed his eye, the more it hurt, and the more it hurt, the less numb he felt. It was a relief when he finally started outright sobbing. He took a selfie and Snapped it to Gabe. Perhaps he’d turn this into a ritual and do it everyday until Gabe’s account was deactivated or until he got over Gabe’s death...so until Gabe’s account was deactivated.

When Nolan couldn’t cry anymore, he called his dad. Nolan didn’t know where he was – somewhere in Europe or Asia maybe? – but wherever he was, it was probably Sunday and he probably wasn’t working, so maybe he’d answer for a change.

He didn’t.

Nolan knew he shouldn’t leave another emotional voicemail, but...

“Hey. I-I survived last night when I said” –Nolan swallowed and took a trembling breath– “there was d-danger, but um, but” –he ran a hand through his hair and bit his lip– “G-Gabe didn’t...He-he didn’t make it, Dad...and he was um...he was my boyfriend.” Nolan sobbed. He wasn’t trying to be dramatic, but that’s what his dad would think. “Please call me back.”

His dad wasn’t going to believe him – about the danger, about Gabe being dead, about him being Nolan’s boyfriend. He would think Nolan was making it all up to get attention. He’d just have Nolan’s therapist call him to setup an extra appointment that week. Nolan decided to beat him to it and call Dr. Johnson himself.

He got her voicemail. She listed an emergency number he could call...but was he having an emergency?

He hung up and tossed his phone on the bed. No emergency. He wasn’t a danger to himself or anyone else – ironically.

If only Nolan had called Dr. Johnson that fateful night when he had chosen to call Monroe instead. If he had, Gabe wouldn’t have gotten pulled in too and none of this would have happened. Nolan wouldn’t have tried to hurt Liam and his friends. Maybe the Anuk-Ite wouldn’t have come back and all the people that were dead would still be alive. Maybe this whole damn war was all Nolan’s fault, and he should just do everyone a favor and–

Nolan jumped as his phone rang and vibrated on his bed. It had landed face down, and when he picked it up his heart almost stopped. Gabe’s smiling face, complete with his perfect, sexy smile, was lighting up the screen.

“Hel-lo” Nolan sobbed around the word.

“Have you heard?” Gabe’s mother said the words barely above a whisper, but the pain and anger in her voice came through loud and clear.

“Yeah.”

“There are a lot of texts here I don’t understand.” Now her voice was nothing but angry.

“We were, um, dating.”

“That’s not what I meant. That- I don’t know why he didn’t tell me but...” Her voice broke and she dissolved into tears.

Nolan felt like a selfish asshole, but he broke down too.

“I need to know why my son was shot to death.” Her voice was high and shrill, still full of pain but back to furious.

“Oh, um...I–”

“The police said it was a terrorist attack.”

“Well I guess–”

“Nolan, what really happened to him?”

“I loved him,” Nolan whispered.

Her tone softened but only a little. “That’s not what I’m asking.”

“I can’t talk about it, Ms. Martinez.” Nolan took a shuddering breath and hovered his thumb over the end call button. “I’m sorry.”

She called back. He silenced but didn’t reject the call, instead pacing the room while he waited for her to hang up. She left a voicemail that he couldn’t bring himself to listen to or to delete.

It felt good having an unheard voicemail from ‘Gabe.’ Maybe he’d let himself pretend it was real.

He spent the rest of the afternoon staring at his homework without working on it, listening to music without hearing it, and watching a movie without paying attention to it. He relived every conversation he had ever had with Gabe in his head, then with Monroe, then with Liam. The details blurred. In retrospect most of it didn’t make any sense, particularly his own actions.

His heart caught in his throat as his phone vibrated with his first ever text message from Liam.

Liam: I’m with Mason and Corey

Nolan furrowed his brow. Was Liam just texting him to brag about having friends? Before Nolan could respond a second message came through.

Liam: Want some company? We’ll come over

Nolan was terrified and excited. His stomach was twisted in knots and his fingers were cold as he tapped out the most casual message he could come up with.

Nolan: Yeah sounds good

Liam: K otw

Nolan changed his clothes and fixed his hair. Then he tidied up the living room and changed his clothes. He waited by the front door for them to arrive, debating whether or not he should change his clothes. He opened the door as soon as he heard the car pull up. He cringed and shut it. They would know he was listening for them. Wait, what if they had seen him close the door? They might think he didn’t want them to come in. He re-opened the door. Then he shut it. Then he re-opened it. This time Liam and his friends were standing in the doorway gaping at him.

Nolan cleared his throat. “I uh, wanted you to know I was home, but I didn’t wanna let all the cool air outta the house.”

“That makes sense,” Mason said with a soft smile.

“It does?” Corey whispered to him.

Mason swatted the air in Corey’s direction, and Nolan stood back for them to enter.

Liam stopped in the doorway and smirked at Nolan. He pulled him into a hug. “Relax. Just be yourself.”

Nolan clung to Liam like the lifeline he had become over the past twenty-four hours. He appreciated the sentiment behind Liam’s advice even if it was useless. How was Nolan supposed to be himself when he had no idea who he was?

“Careful, the cool air’s gonna get out.” Corey tugged Liam out of the doorway by the elbow as he released Nolan.

Nolan cringed, and Liam rolled his eyes at his friend.

Nolan led them to the living room and everyone settled in. Mason sat in an easy chair, and Corey perched against its arm. Liam took a seat on the couch in the same spot he had sat in the previous night. Nolan automatically plunked down next to him, but then worried he might have been invading Liam’s space and slid over to the opposite end. But then he was too far from the other guys so he slid back. Except maybe that was weird so–

“Is the cool air getting out of the couch too?”

Mason cut Corey a look, and Liam grabbed Nolan’s arm and held him in place by his side.

The group made small talk for a few minutes but it was awkward. Corey and Mason were tense, and guilt stabbed Nolan every time he looked at them, especially Corey.

“Can I have something to drink?” Mason asked. “Maybe a Coke?”

“I’m sorry.” Nolan caught Mason’s gaze and held it for a moment before shifting his attention to Corey. “Really sorry.”

Mason shrugged. “That’s okay. How ‘bout a Pepsi or a Dr. Pepper?”

Liam coughed and shook his head at Mason.

“Oh.”

Liam wrapped an arm around Nolan’s shoulders and squeezed him closer. “It’s fine. You–”

“It’s not fine.” Corey stood and folded his arms. “You frickin’ stabbed me in the hand.”

Nolan looked to Liam for help, but his attention was focused on Corey. So was Mason’s.

“I–”

“And you did it to expose me.” Corey glared at Nolan as Mason rubbed his back. “I’m not a werewolf, Nolan. All I can do is hide. That’s my only defense.”

“I’m sorry.” Nolan dropped his eyes to the floor.

“Maybe we should go,” Mason said quietly as he stood. “I’ll come back later and pick you up,” he said to Liam.

Liam nodded, a frown etched across his face.

“No.” Corey wound his arm around Mason’s waist and kissed him. He was visibly calmer when he looked back at Nolan. “It’s not fine...but I guess we can work towards fine.”

“Thanks.” Nolan gave Corey a small smile before glancing at Mason. “I have some soda and snacks in the kitchen.”

The group went to the kitchen and everyone got drinks and passed around some chips. Nolan hung back at first, leaning against the back counter by himself, but Liam joined him and draped an arm over his shoulders.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispered in Nolan’s ear. “Corey’s definitely gonna forgive you.”

“How do you know?” Nolan whispered.

Liam shrugged the shoulder that wasn’t pressed against Nolan’s side. “I was a dick to him and he forgave me.”

“You think it would help if I told them about my BPD?”

“Maybe.”

Nolan nuzzled against Liam’s muscular body and tried to come up with a plan to win over his friends. He was still thinking about it as the group returned to the living room and Mason spotted Nolan’s Xbox and suggested they play some video games.

Chapter Text

“You did good,” Liam said as he sat beside Nolan on the couch. Corey and Mason were across the room playing a game on Nolan’s Xbox.

“You don’t think they’re weirded out?” Nolan asked. The group had gone out to dinner, and Nolan had told Corey and Mason about his BDP and that he and Gabe had been a couple. “I know it’s a lot for them to take in.”

Liam laughed. “Mason was once possessed by a two-hundred-year-old beast and Corey’s a chameleon chimera who can turn invisible...I think they can come to grips with someone struggling with a mental health issue.” He draped an arm around Nolan’s shoulder and gave it a friendly squeeze. “You’re the most normal person in the room, Nolan.”

Nolan scoffed and shook his head. “I’ve never been the most normal person in any room.”

“There’s a first time for everything.”

Nolan gave Liam a faint smile and leaned against him. When Liam responded by tightening his grip and turning his body toward Nolan, Nolan succumbed to the urge to lay his head against Liam’s chest. “Is it wrong that I miss Gabe so much?” he whispered. “I-I know our relationship wasn’t healthy.”

“It’s not wrong.” Liam rubbed his back. “Someone you cared about died. Everything else about that person takes a backseat when something like that happens.”

Nolan nodded and stared absently at the TV screen as Corey and Mason ran around fighting a fictitious war. It was surreal going back to something like this, sitting safely in a living room while people played a video game about conflict after the very real bloodshed they had endured.

Eventually Liam got up and plopped down next to Mason, insisting he wasn’t playing his character the right way. They argued until Corey suggested they settle the dispute in a game and passed his controller to Liam.

“They’ll be at that all night if we don’t stop them,” Corey remarked, claiming a seat on the opposite end of the couch.

“I don’t mind,” Nolan said with a shrug. It was nice having people in his house for once, even if they weren’t paying attention to him.

Corey didn’t answer, and they lapsed into silence. Nolan knew it was creepy, but he couldn’t stop himself from pulling out his phone and scrolling through pictures of Gabe. They were both in some of the photos; they even looked happy in a few.

“My boyfriend died too,” Corey said quietly.

Nolan raised his head and looked at Mason in disbelief. “Is he a zombie?”

Corey gave Nolan an incredulous look. “A different boyfriend.”

“Oh.”

“His name was Lucas. He was a scorpion chimera.”

“So nothing weird like a zombie.”

The corners of Corey’s mouth twitched, then pulled up into a smile.

“How’d you get over him?” Nolan asked, slipping his phone back into his pocket.

“I became a chimera, got murdered, was resurrected, got incinerated by a hellhound, managed to survive, and then started dating Mason.”

Nolan tilted his head and thought it over. “I don’t know if that would work for me.”

“It’s not for everyone,” Corey agreed with a nod. He grew more serious and caught Nolan’s eye. “The other factor was time and new friends to help me through it.”

“Did you feel like you were drowning and like you’d never be happy again?”

Corey shifted closer on the couch and patted Nolan’s arm. “Yeah, that’s normal.”

“Did you fantasize about taking his body home and sleeping next to it?”

Corey squeezed Nolan’s shoulder. “No, that’s just you.”

Nolan glanced at Liam as he laughed and bumped Mason, trying to break his concentration. “Is it wrong to think about someone else in that way?”

“It’s healthy,” Corey answered, shaking his head, “but you need to take some time first. That’s kind of important.”

“I’m scared to be alone,” Nolan whispered.

“You’re not alone.” Corey smiled and moved fully into the seat next to him. “That’s where the new friends part comes in.”

Nolan sighed and leaned against Corey. “I promise not to stab you again.”

Corey laughed and pressed back against Nolan. “I appreciate that.”

Chapter Text

After Liam and the others left, Nolan listened to relaxing music while taking a long bath and brushing his teeth. Good sleep hygiene is what Dr. Johnson called it. She said establishing a relaxing pre-sleep routine would help with Nolan’s chronic insomnia, and sometimes it did. Tonight wasn’t one of those nights.

Each time Nolan closed his eyes, he flashed back to Gabe crawling across the hospital floor; to the thick trail of crimson smeared across the stark white tiles; to the staccato pop of gunfire ringing in his ears; to Gabe’s flailing body; to his choking sobs...and those were the good images. Worse was the indelible memory of Gabe’s lifeless body propped against the supply cabinet and the sensation of time slowing down as Nolan took fucking forever to knock the gunman out. Why had he been so slow? How could he have let Gabe down like that when his life had literally been on the line. Why the fuck couldn’t Nolan have taken that asshole down ten seconds sooner?

Nolan closed his eyes again. This time Gabe’s agonized face stared back at him as Gabe crumpled to his knees. He knew. Gabe knew he was going to die because Nolan was such a fuck up. Nolan might as well have pulled the trigger himself.

He hadn’t done any better as Gabe lay dying. Theo had comforted Gabe. Theo. But Nolan had been useless. He hadn’t even tried to make Gabe’s final moments easier; he hadn’t even tried to say goodbye.

He opened his eyes and turned on his bedside lamp. He wouldn’t be sleeping tonight.

He occupied himself by going through Gabe’s Facebook page and liking all of his old posts and photos. All of his old posts and photos. He wanted the world to know that he and Gabe had been something, that their connection had been real.

Around two-thirty in the morning he received a text from his dad.

Dad: Deposited money in your account. Will call later in the week. There’s no danger in Beacon Hills and you don’t have a dead boyfriend. Go to your therapist, Nolan.

An excited trill slipped from Nolan’s throat at the attention. He immediately called his dad, but got rejected.

Dad: Sorry, I can’t talk right now.

Nolan frowned at the automated message that his dad often sent him when he was busy. It stung. Dad had said he would call last week too, but he hadn’t.

He took a deep breath and clutched the phone to his chest, trying to resist the urge to call over and over until his dad finally picked up. He would be furious. Wherever he was in the world right now – Asia, Europe, Africa; Nolan had no idea – he was probably preparing for a meeting, or working on a report, or talking to someone he actually liked.

Nolan rubbed at his eyes, telling himself the reason they stung was because of the bruises Gabe had given him.

He couldn’t help it. He needed to talk to someone. He scrolled to Natalie’s name in his contact list, hoping his older sister would take his call.

“Hello.” Her voice was slow and heavy with sleep.

“Hey Nat.”

“Nolan? What do you want?”

He heard the bed squeak as she sat up.

“I can’t sleep, and I think Dad’s avoiding me. Has he said anything to you?”

She let out a frustrated growl. “Seriously? It’s three in the morning.”

“Actually two-forty-four,” Nolan answered, glancing at the clock by his bed.

“Why the hell are you calling me, Nolan?!”

Nolan took a deep breath, determined to get the words out without breaking down. “Last night I lost my–”

“I don’t care what you lost.”

“Nat, it was my boy–”

“I spent all night studying for an organic chem test. I just fell asleep. And you’re bothering me because you misplaced something and your goddamn insomnia’s acting up.”

“Dad–”

“Yeah, that’s right, Nolan. Dad is fucking sick of your shit. We both are. You aren’t a child anymore. You’re sixteen–”

“I’m seventeen.”

“Oh...” She cleared her throat. “Sorry I forgot your birthday. Put something on your Amazon Wish List, and I’ll get it for you.”

“I just want–”

“But that’s my point. You need to take responsibility for yourself. If you can’t sleep, take a fucking Ambien and roll over.”

The line went dead.

Nolan tossed his phone on the bed and punched his pillow. He wanted to get angry. He wanted to fly into one of his uncontrollable rages and feel something other than stomach churning despair. He couldn’t. He didn’t have the energy to be mad.

He opened his bedside drawer and rifled through it. He didn’t have any Ambien or prescription sleep medication, but he had an over-the-counter sleep aid. He took two pills with a sip of tepid water from the glass on his nightstand.

They didn’t help. They gave him a headache and made a muscle in his eye twitch, but they didn’t put him to sleep. He lay in bed for the rest of the night going through Gabe’s other social media pages until the alarm on his phone went off, signaling he could get up for the day.

His stomach flipped as he got a new message from ‘Gabe’ while getting ready.

Gabe: The funeral is tomorrow at 10am. You were important to him. We’d like you to be there.

Nolan stared at the message and chewed on his bottom lip, unsure what he was feeling. Whatever it was it was overwhelming and it made him dizzy. He slid his phone in his pocket and left his half-eaten cereal on the table. He needed to get to school and distract himself.

Everyone was talking about him when he got there. They were all looking at him and then pretending not to be when he turned his head. But he heard them whispering about him, whispering about how he had gotten Gabe killed, how he had chosen to give his loyalty to murderers, how he had tried to kill innocent people. They were all looking at him, but not one of the assholes had the courage to come up and confront him directly.

“Hey Nolan.”

“Stop looking at me!” The combination lock slipped from Nolan’s fingers and clanked against the metal door of his locker as he whipped his head toward a startled Corey.

“Sorry.” Corey held his hands up and backed away.

“No wait.” Nolan’s face burned and he hunched in on himself. Now everyone in the hallway was openly staring. “Everyone’s looking at me.”

“That’s because you’re making a scene,” Corey whispered.

“Where’s Liam?” Nolan wasn’t sure why he asked that. Liam hadn’t been on his mind, at least not consciously.

“Probably at his locker.”

“Will you take me there?”

Corey sighed and nodded.

Nolan grabbed Corey’s arm as they walked through the crowd of students. They were still looking at him. “Can we go there your way?”

“My way?”

Nolan gave him a pointed look and opened his hands with a flourish. “Poof!”

Corey rolled his eyes and tugged Nolan behind a bank of lockers. He glanced around, then slipped his hand into Nolan’s. A cloudy warmth washed over Nolan and with the exception of himself and Corey, the edges of the world became just a little bit blurry.

“Are we invisible?” he whispered into Corey’s ear.

“Yes.” Corey squeezed his hand and tugged him down the hall.

They rounded the corner and dodged and weaved through a stream of people who had finally quit talking about Nolan, until at last Liam and Mason came into view leaning against a row of lockers. Nolan tried to head straight for them, but Corey pulled him against the wall beside the lockers and out of the main path. The world around Nolan sharpened and a cool breeze blew over him as Corey released his hand.

“Surprise!” he declared, bouncing into Liam’s line of sight.

Crap, everyone was looking at him again.

Liam’s head snapped back, and Mason’s eyes widened.

“He wanted to see you,” Corey told Liam as he looped an arm around Mason’s waist. The couple kissed as Nolan pressed himself against the locker next to Liam and tried to act casual.

“Are you okay?” Liam’s hand landed on Nolan’s shoulder. “You don’t look so good, and you smell upset.”

“They won’t stop watching me,” Nolan whispered, eyes flitting back and forth.

“Who?”

“Them.” Nolan inclined his head toward first one group of students, then another.

Liam’s brow furrowed and he glanced around. “No one’s looking at you, Nolan.”

“Yes, they are. They’re just pretending not to be. And they’re all talking about how I let Gabe die.”

Liam cocked his head. “Uh, I can hear their conversations...they’re not.”

“They are.” Nolan stamped his foot. Why wouldn’t Liam believe him?

“I researched BPD last night.” Mason stepped closer, mercifully blocking more of Nolan from view. “Are you maybe having stress-induced paranoid ideation?”

“Maybe.” Nolan dropped his gaze to floor and shrugged. He should have realized that for himself. Dr. Johnson would have been disappointed in him, even if she wouldn’t have said so out loud.

“It’s okay,” Corey said softly, leaning against the locker on Nolan’s other side and shielding more of Nolan from what still felt like the prying eyes of the other students. “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Nolan gave Corey a half smile then turned back to Liam. “Are they really not talking about me?”

Liam shook his head and rubbed Nolan’s shoulder. “They’re really not.”

“Can I have a hug?” Nolan asked, anxiety twisting in his gut.

Liam stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Nolan.

The worst of the stress eased from Nolan’s body as he lay his head on the werewolf’s shoulder. “I got a text from Gabe this morning.”

Liam let out a gasp and rubbed a soothing hand down Nolan’s spine. “You really didn’t.”

Nolan giggled. “No, like, it was his mom I’m sure.”

“What did she say?”

The smile faded from Nolan’s lips as he let go of Liam and pulled back to look at him. “His funeral’s tomorrow morning.”

Liam nodded and pulled Nolan back into the embrace. “It’s okay. I’ll go with you,” he whispered.

Nolan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Thanks.”

Chapter Text

A cold, heavy lump occupied the pit of Nolan’s stomach as he woke from a fitful sleep on the morning of Gabe’s funeral. He had planned to get up early and take his time getting ready, then have breakfast while he waited for Liam to pick him up. He stared at the ceiling for a minute, then rolled over and went back to sleep.

The chime of his doorbell woke him a couple of hours later. He groaned and got out of bed.

“Coming,” he called as he stumbled down the hallway in his pajamas, bleary-eyed and exhausted.

Sunlight blinded him as he opened the door and stepped back for Liam to enter.

“Did you oversleep?” Liam sounded alarmed. He was wearing black slacks and a black button-down shirt with a charcoal tie. His long hair was meticulously styled, his bangs hanging adorably over his eyes.

“Yeah,” Nolan mumbled. “Just give me a minute.”

“Okay, if you hurry I think we’ll still be on time.”

Nolan did hurry, and he didn’t regret oversleeping. The constant motion he needed to maintain to get ready kept him from thinking, and he was almost sorry as he tied the laces of his black dress shoes and realized he was finished. Now Liam was going to drive them to the funeral home; now there would be time for reflection.

“You okay?” Liam squeezed Nolan’s shoulder before starting the car and backing out of the driveway.

Nolan blinked. Was he okay?

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to feel.” Nolan checked his hair in the mirror and smoothed out an unruly patch on the side of his head. “I’ve cried so much since Friday. Now I just feel...numb.”

“That’s normal,” Liam said softly as he checked for on-coming traffic then pulled into a turn.

“Really?” Nolan was behaving normally? Really?

“Yeah.”

Nolan was silent for a few minutes, reflecting on his time with Gabe and their brief relationship.

“Gabe said he would take me ice skating for my birthday.”

Liam gave him a sympathetic look. “I’ll take you if you want. I know it won’t be the same but–”

“My birthday was last week. We didn’t go.”

“Oh.” Liam frowned and returned his eyes to the road.

“It would have been romantic, ice skating with my boyfriend. It would have been like something out of a movie.”

“It sounds nice.”

“But we didn’t go.” Nolan folded his arms and glared at Liam. “Why didn’t he take me?”

Liam coughed and shrugged. “The last couple of weeks have been really intense. Maybe he forgot.”

“I reminded him.”

“Oh.”

“We skipped school that morning...I thought he was going to take me.”

“But he didn’t?” Liam asked softly.

Nolan shook his head. “He pretended he had a gift for me. He said it was in his car. You wanna know what it was?”

“What?”

“His dick.”

Liam’s eyes widened and he giggled.

“I’m serious. He unzipped his pants and told me suck my present.”

“Wow.” Liam drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.

“He didn’t even suck me off when I was done.” Nolan clenched his fists in his lap. “Like how is that fair? It was my birthday.”

“That was...pretty crappy.”

“Yeah. I don’t know why I put up with it.”

Liam didn’t say anything, just gave Nolan another sympathetic smile and kept driving.

“Do we have to go the funeral?”

“Don’t you want to?”

Nolan shook his head. “Can we go ice skating instead?”

“We can go ice skating,” Liam answered, “after the funeral.”

“Auh!” Nolan stared out his window, pouting.

Liam patted Nolan’s arm. “I think you’ll regret it later if you don’t go.”

Nolan sighed. It didn’t feel like he would ever regret it. All he felt when he thought about Gabe was anger at the way he had been treated and relief that their relationship was over, but he’d had enough mood swings to know that even though it felt impossible, his feelings would change at some point in the future. “You’re right.”

They pulled into the parking lot, and Liam turned off the car. “Do you want to talk to his family or hang back?”

“Hang back.”

Liam nodded and they got out.

The funeral home was packed. Nolan didn’t recognize most of the people, but there was a large contingent from school. Liam started to lead them to their classmates, but Nolan shook his head and they settled in across the aisle and further back instead. They had just taken their seats when someone cleared their throat. Nolan looked up to find Theo making his way down the row to join them. He sat on Liam’s other side. Nolan gave Theo a small nod of recognition but didn’t pay attention to his and Liam’s conversation. It was ironic that Liam and Theo were at Gabe’s funeral, yet there was no sign of Monroe or any of the hunters.

Gabe’s parents and little sister were standing with a crowd of people by the coffin at the head of the room. His brother, Jonathan, who was only a year older, was talking to some of the guys from the lacrosse team. His eyes were sunken and his nose was red. Was he back on drugs or simply grieving?

Gabe’s dad spotted Nolan and waved him over. Nolan pretended not to see him and looked away. Gabe’s mom was more persistent. She strode over to them and stood at the end of their row, calling for Nolan. He couldn’t ignore her. Everyone was looking at him, and ignoring the mother of the deceased at a funeral would have pretty much been the most despicable thing Nolan could do. He reluctantly stood.

“I’ll come with you,” Liam said as he climbed to his feet beside Nolan.

“Thanks,” Nolan whispered, leaning his shoulder against Liam’s before making his way down the row to meet Ms. Martinez.

She frowned at Liam and gave Nolan a stern look. “Can I speak with you in private?”

Cold dread pooled in Nolan’s stomach. “Liam’s my, uh, grief partner. I better stay with him.”

“He’ll be here when you get back.” She grabbed Nolan’s arm and tugged him down the aisle to the rear of the building. A single look from her was enough to have the people that had gathered there clearing out to give them their space.

“Ms. Martinez, I don’t–”

“What happened to him?” Her dark eyes were puffy and red, but they burned with determination. “Who killed my son? And don’t give me some cock and bull story about a terrorist. I want the truth.”

“But it was a terrorist. He had a gun. He was shooting at innocent people in the hospital, and–”

“That’s enough!”

The room fell silent. The people who were standing all looked at Nolan and Gabe’s mom, and the people sitting turned in their seats to face them. Gasps filled the room as she gripped Nolan’s arm and dragged him back up the aisle.

“Ms. Martinez, please I don’t–”

“Look!” She waved her free hand at Gabe’s casket. “Look at him! Look at my little boy.”

Nolan did look. His stomach twisted into knots as he took in Gabe’s peaceful, handsome face for what would undoubtedly be the last time.

“What happened to him?” Her voice was as loud as before. She wanted everyone to pay attention and listen to Nolan’s response.

It was all a lie. Gabe’s peaceful face was a lie; he was the true monster, not the people he hunted. The text Ms. Martinez had sent Nolan telling him he was important to Gabe was also a lie. Nolan didn’t matter to Gabe; Nolan had never mattered to Gabe. Even Ms. Martinez’ insistence that she wanted to know the truth was a lie; she couldn’t handle the truth. She didn’t want Nolan to say–

“He was an asshole.”

Surprised murmurs filled the room along with the shock that filled Ms. Martinez’ eyes.

“He took advantage of anyone who was weaker than him, and he resented anyone who was stronger. He was a hateful person who enjoyed hurting other people.”

A gasping sob slipped from Ms. Martinez’ lips.

“How dare you!” Gabe’s dad hustled across the room and grabbed Nolan’s arm.

Nolan yanked himself free and jumped back. “He did this to me!” He waved his hand in front of his bruised face and black eye. “I was his boyfriend, and he fucking attacked me and left me bleeding on the hospital floor!”

Mr. Martinez narrowed his eyes and took a step toward Nolan. “He wouldn’t–”

“He did!” Nolan turned, and as he stared down at Gabe’s body, something broke inside him. “This is my fault. He did all of this because of me. I killed him. I let that guy shoot him.” Nolan dropped to his knees and reached into the coffin to clutch Gabe’s chest. He felt the same. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe... “Come back, Gabe! Oh god, come back!”

“I think we better leave.” Liam whispered, patting Nolan’s back.

“Noooo!” Nolan squeezed Gabe tighter as Liam tried to pull him away. “I don’t wanna leave! I want him back! I need him, Liam! I need him!”

Theo appeared in Nolan’s periphery and gripped Nolan’s hands. It wasn’t fair how strong Theo was.

“I hate you!” Nolan screamed as Theo tore him away from Gabe’s body. “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

Liam wrapped his arms around Nolan and held him against the side of his body.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Theo said to Gabe’s parents as Liam dragged Nolan away.

“The funeral’s not over yet!” Nolan clung to the door as Liam pulled him through it. Once again Theo’s unfair strength broke Nolan’s grip.

“It is for us,” Liam said calmly into Nolan’s ear.

“I don’t wanna say goodbye!”

“Well technically you didn’t,” Theo muttered.

Liam backhanded Theo’s arm, and Nolan tried to break free so he could run back inside, but Liam was unfairly strong too.

“Do you need help with him?” Theo asked.

“Nah, you go ahead and go.”

“I hate him,” Nolan said as Theo walked to his truck, and Liam guided Nolan to the car.

Liam laughed. “Then you’re well on your way to becoming his friend.”

“Can we sit in the car and wait for the funeral procession?” Nolan asked as Liam opened the passenger door for him.

“Yeah,” Liam answered, shutting the door after Nolan had climbed in.

“Can I have a hug?” Nolan asked, once Liam had taken his place behind the wheel.

Liam leaned across the seat and wrapped Nolan up in a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry I’m crazy,” Nolan whispered, trembling in Liam’s arms.

“You’re not,” Liam whispered back. “There are a lot of ways to grieve.”

“And yelling at the dead person’s family is one of them?”

Liam chuckled and shrugged. “Well, it’s not an official stage or anything, but yeah.”

“Will you still take me ice skating this afternoon?”

“Of course.”

Nolan sighed and squeezed Liam one more time before letting go. “Would it be crazy if we put on disguises and snuck back into the funeral?”

“Yes.”

“Damn!”

Chapter Text

“Just shut up.”

Gabe’s words ghosted through Nolan’s ears with perfect, resonate clarity.

“Close your fucking mouth.”

He didn’t just remember Gabe’s words, he heard them in Gabe’s own voice, sharp, critical, demanding – and so beautiful they brought tears to Nolan’s eyes as he stared at a picture on his phone of him and Gabe grinning as they held up rifles, Gabe’s other arm slung loosely around Nolan’s shoulders.

“Can’t you just live in the goddamn moment for once?!”

“You okay?” Liam asked, shifting his attention from the slow line of cars ahead of them to Nolan.

Nolan sniffled and smiled at his new friend. “Perfect.”

“Fine, we can take a damn picture if you’ll stop whining.”

Nolan trailed his fingers lightly across the screen, across Gabe’s face. “Just reliving some happy memories, you know?”

Liam smiled at him and reached across the seat to squeeze his shoulder.

They were pulling into the cemetery now. The plan was to sit in the car with the windows down so Nolan could watch Gabe be laid to rest.

“We were having a good time, but you fucking ruined it. You ruin everything!”

“I’m sorry I screwed up and we can’t sit with everybody,” Nolan said as Liam parked behind a black SUV and turned off the engine.

“I’m sitting with the only person here I care about.” Liam said it quietly.

Nolan’s lips parted in surprise and a hot flush swept over his face. His chest tingled. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Liam looked away, his attention trained on the mourners gathering a few dozen feet away. His ear was red.

Nolan smiled through a shaky breath. Liam was lying to him, but he didn’t care. It was such a nice lie.

“Seriously, stop being so much all the damn time. I just wanna cut loose and have some fun.”

“I’m having a lot of fun!” Nolan blurted out, infusing his tone with as much carefree energy as he could.

Liam turned back to him, his brow furrowed. “Right now?” he glanced back at the mourners. Gabe’s sister was wailing.

“Uh…” Nolan’s cheeks burned. “Well with you. I’m having fun because I’m with you.”

Liam still looked confused.

“Like in a chill way.” Nolan waved his hands casually. “We’re just a couple bros, out having a good time.”

Liam frowned and shook his head. “Nolan, we’re at a funeral. And you’re grieving your boyfriend…it’s not a good time.”

“Oh.” Nolan looked away, the pit in his stomach burning. “Sorry. I just– I wanted you to know…I appreciate you being here.”

Liam smiled softly and cupped the back of Nolan’s neck. “Just say that then.”

“I know I can be a lot,” Nolan said, his skin tingling beneath Liam’s fingers.

“I like you the way you are,” Liam answered, massaging Nolan’s neck, “so don’t worry about it.” His grip was so strong, warm…gentle. “And don’t try to change.”

The pit in Nolan’s stomach shattered and he started shaking. Sobbing. “Gabe never used to say stuff like that to me.”

Liam leaned across the seat and pulled Nolan into a hug.

“That mouth of yours is only good for one thing.”

Nolan fought the urge to offer Liam a blow job as he cried into his chest. It seemed like a really really good idea though. Liam deserved one, and it would distract Nolan. But something told him Liam would think it was weird.

They both flinched at the sudden damp, tinkling thump that announced Gabe’s burial had commenced.

It just made Nolan want to suck Liam off more – to honor Gabe.

“It should be me in that coffin,” Nolan whispered, watching over Liam’s shoulder as Gabe’s father passed the shovel to his brother for him to take his turn.

“No, it shouldn’t,” Liam whispered back, his nose nuzzling Nolan’s ear.

“You want a blowie?”

Liam let go of Nolan and pulled back, gaping at him. “What?!”

Yeah, it was weird. Nolan’s instincts had been right in the first place. He scrunched his face and sniffled. “I need to blow my nose.”

“Oh.” Liam looked relieved. Nolan had been an idiot to think he’d want his lips anywhere on him. “I think there’s a pack of tissues in the glove box.”

Liam leaned over him, his elbow grazing Nolan’s knee as he opened the compartment in front of him and pulled out the package.

“Thanks,” Nolan said as Liam pressed the little plastic-wrapped item into his hand, his eyes lingering on Nolan’s face. “I, um…”

“Oh.” Liam laughed and turned, giving Nolan’s his privacy as he blew his nose, which really had been stuffy from all the crying.

“You’re gonna get us both killed if you don’t man up.”

“You think he was just scared and angry because of the Anuk-Ite?” Nolan asked as they both stared out of Liam’s window at the shovelfuls of dirt being heaved into Gabe’s grave.

“I don’t know. I didn’t know him that well before all of this started.” Liam glanced back at Nolan and shrugged. “But I do know everyone deserves the chance to become a better person…and he didn’t get his.”

Nolan let out a rough sob. “It’s my fault. I could have saved him if I had just been a little bit faster or stronger.”

“No.” Liam gripped Nolan’s shoulder. “You have to let that go. You did everything you could have.”

Nolan shook his head. “There are so many things I could have done better. So many ways I could have stopped any of this from happening.”

“Yeah.” Liam frowned at the car floor between them. “I feel that way too.”

“You feel that way?” Nolan covered Liam’s hand with his own on his shoulder and squeezed his fingers. “But you’re amazing.” He laughed without humor. “Perfect even. We did so much crap to you, and you did everything right.”

“You know my friend Brett?” Liam swallowed, his voice raw in a way Nolan had never heard before. “The werewolf Monroe killed to expose us?”

Nolan nodded, his gut twisting with the shame he now felt for his association with that cold-hearted lunatic.

“If I had just been a little bit” –Liam’s voice shook and his jaw twitched as he clamped it shut around a wave of emotion– “just a little bit faster and I could have saved him. There are so many ways it could have played out differently.”

“That’s not your fault.” Nolan scooted forward and clutched Liam’s upper arms, taking the chance that he would let Nolan comfort him.

Liam shrugged and gave Nolan a wry smile. “Feels that way though.”

“Oh.” Nolan wanted to look away, but it felt like Liam actually needed him for once. “I see what you mean.”

“You think I should keep beating myself up for it?” Liam’s question didn’t come off as rhetorical. It sounded like he really wanted Nolan’s opinion.

“Of course not.”

“You think maybe you should stop beating yourself up too?”

“No,” Nolan answered quietly, dropping his eyes from Liam’s before looking back with a sad shrug. “But I guess I can try.”

“Okay.” Liam tugged Nolan in for an embrace, and for once Nolan wasn’t sure who was hugging whom. “I’ll try too if you will.”

“I don’t think you hate him enough.”

Gabe had said that to him the evening after Nolan and Liam hadn’t killed each other at the abandoned zoo.

“Then I’ll try,” Nolan whispered. Anything to keep Liam from hurting.

“He’s a monster for chrissake. Next time, you fucking shoot him.”

They’d had sex that night. Gabe was perfect. Nolan had never felt so close to anyone before. It felt like they would be together forever, like nothing could ever separate them.

Nolan buried his face in Liam’s neck as they listened to the tap tap of the shovels on the filled grave. It was over. Gabe had been laid to rest for good.

Chapter Text

Nolan’s mood steadily improved after he and Liam left the cemetery.

They didn’t go back to school that day. Instead they went to lunch, then to Liam’s house to change and hang out for a while before they left for the ice skating rink.

Sharing a meal alone with Liam was different from when the two of them had had dinner with Corey and Mason a few nights earlier. That night, the group had joked around a lot, telling Nolan funny stories about their pack and people Nolan had either never met or barely knew. It had been fun, and it felt good the way they’d stopped to explain inside jokes and references he didn’t understand, but his lunch with Liam wasn’t like that at all. They didn’t talk about Liam’s pack, or the hunters, or anyone else; instead, they talked about themselves and their pasts. This time the stories were about their childhoods, personal preferences, and interests. They laughed and joked around more than Nolan would have thought beforehand, but more than that, there was a distinct learning-about-each-other vibe that was new and disorienting in the best possible way.

Being welcomed into Liam’s home was even more strange and wonderful. His mom had the day off that day, and they sat and chatted with her in the living room when they arrived. She wanted to know about Nolan too, and she had even more stories about Liam! These stories Liam didn’t seem as excited about Nolan hearing, but he accepted it with little more than a grumble and actually seemed okay with Nolan getting to know his mom. Nolan had met Gabe’s family too of course, but only briefly when Gabe was hustling him in or out of the house. Gabe had always found a reason to rush, a reason why he and Nolan couldn’t stay and talk to his family – and Nolan had been fine with that; he’d wanted all the alone time with Gabe he could get. He wanted more alone time with Liam too, but there didn’t seem to be a rush. They were going to be hanging out for the rest of the evening, and Liam even casually mentioned to his mom that he might spend the night at Nolan’s house and go straight to school from there. That was news to Nolan, and it made his stomach flutter so much he missed half of what Liam’s mom started telling him next. Eventually, Jenna Geyer announced that she had to run some errands, and after she left, Liam suggested they get changed and leave for the ice rink.

Nolan frowned for the first time since entering the Geyer home as he followed Liam upstairs to his room. Their afternoon ice skating plans had been a spur of the moment decision made in the car that morning. He hadn’t known he would need clothes to change into. Would Liam call the whole thing off if he asked if they could go by his house to get something? It was too much of a risk.

“I can just wear this.”

Liam turned as they reached the upstairs landing and ran his eyes up and down Nolan’s body. “Will you be comfortable? And able to move around enough?”

“Uh, it’ll be fine.” Nolan didn’t want to come off like a weirdo, eager to wear funeral clothes all day, so he continued, “I didn’t bring anything else.”

“Oh, I know.” Liam laughed and shoved at Nolan’s shoulder. “I was thinking you could borrow something.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Liam rolled his eyes at Nolan before turning and walking up the hallway. “That reminds me. I still have your pajama pants and t-shirt from the other night.”

“Oh.” Nolan’s tongue flicked over his lips as he remembered the way Liam had looked in his clothes. “Well I can wear that then.”

Liam stopped at a closed door and gave Nolan a teasing smirk. “You want to wear pajamas to the ice rink?”

“Well, uh…”

“Dude, it’s fine. I’ll lend you something.”

“Okay,” Nolan said softly as he followed Liam into the room and looked around. Liam’s room was really cool. The top three quarters of it were painted a teal blue, while the bottom quarter was a cream color. Large windows lined the walls, allowing in an abundance of sunlight. Moonlight too he supposed. He giggled as he pictured Liam crouched on his bed howling at the windows.

“You can pick out a shirt,” Liam said, snapping Nolan from his reverie as he opened his closet. “My pants might be a little short on you, but it should be okay.”

Nolan selected a navy shirt with white stripes around the collar and middle chest and held it out from the closet for Liam to see.

Liam hummed an assent and took the shirt, placing it on the bed before stepping back into Nolan’s space to reach around him and rifle through an assortment of pants.

“How about these?” he asked, his arm flexing against Nolan’s side as he grabbed a pair of light brown chinos.

Nolan relaxed into the pseudo-embrace, his back against Liam’s chest and Liam’s chin against his shoulder…He would have moved out of the way if Liam had given him the chance, but he didn’t have any complaints about the configuration they’d ended up in.

“Yeah, those look great,” Nolan answered, his arm resting on Liam’s as he pretended to look them over, finding it difficult to pay attention to anything except Liam’s warm skin on his forearm and wrist.

“Good.” Liam surprised him by letting go of the pants and winding his arms around Nolan’s torso, giving him a brief hug from behind before stepping out of the closet.

Nolan took the selected pants and laid them on the bed with the shirt as he watched Liam make his own selections – a warm-looking, three-quarter-length-sleeve army green shirt and a pair of gray pants, which he placed in a heap atop the nearby dresser before unbuttoning the collar of his black dress shirt.

Nolan’s breath hitched as more of Liam’s muscular, hairy chest came into view with each button he opened. Realizing he was in danger of coming off like a creep if he kept standing there staring, Nolan fumbled with the buttons of his own shirt, undoing two before becoming impatient and opting to tug the shirt over his head. What he didn’t count on was the tightly buttoned sleeves refusing to budge from his wrists, leaving him with the shirt tangled around his head.

“Dude!” Liam chuckled, and Nolan’s cheeks burned against the cool, soft cotton of his shirt. “Hold still.”

Nolan’s lips parted and he automatically flexed his upper body as Liam took hold of his arm and guided it against his own chest so that he could unbutton the sleeve. Nolan immediately jerked his arm free, intending to resolve the rest of his entanglement himself, but Liam was already working on his second arm. When he was done, Nolan tugged his arm loose as Liam pulled the shirt the rest of the way over his head.

He was grinning and snickering at Nolan as his face finally came into view. He was also shirtless in just his black slacks.

“Uh, thanks,” Nolan mumbled as he smoothed his tousled hair and tried not to look at–

Liam glanced at Nolan’s chest and stomach before taking a few steps back toward the dresser where his clothes were. At least, Nolan was pretty sure Liam had looked, but his eyes had steadily dropped to his own waist as he unbuckled his belt.

Nolan mirrored Liam, unbuckling his belt and opening his fly.

“Don’t forget to take your shoes off,” Liam said, shooting Nolan a smirk as he toed his black loafers off his feet.

Nolan stopped with his slacks halfway down his thighs…he had forgotten. And his mind raced with the possibilities of how Liam would have helped him resolve that entanglement.

“Thanks,” he said softly, careful not to trip as he removed his shoes. It didn’t help his coordination that Liam was now standing in front of him in only a pair of black socks and black boxer briefs…bulging black boxer briefs that clung to his muscular thighs and bunched around his–

Nolan swallowed and focused on himself, finally shucking off his slacks and turning to grab the chinos Liam was lending him. It was probably wishful thinking, but he thought he saw Liam’s head tilt toward him from the corner of his eye.

Liam’s gaze, imagined or not, was warm on his legs and ass as he opened the chinos and gathered up the pant legs so he could get them on easier. When he turned back, Liam was zipping his fly, and just sort of casually facing Nolan.

Their eyes met for a moment, and it should have been awkward, would have been in the locker room, but Liam gave him a reassuring smile, and Nolan relaxed as he pulled the new pants up and slowly closed them, taking an extra second or two to let them frame his own bulging package.

All too soon, Liam was slipping the green shirt over his head, and Nolan could only imagine all those muscles and sinews he’d been enjoying through the contours of the shirt.

On an impulse, Nolan decided to take his time putting on the shirt Liam had given him. “You have some shoes I could borrow?” he asked, holding the garment under one arm.

“Yeah,” Liam answered, half-turning back toward the closet. “C’mere.”

Nolan kept his abs flexed and his posture straight as he stepped up beside Liam and surveyed the shoes along the bottom of his closet. “Anything’s fine.”

“How ‘bout these?” Liam stooped to grab a pair of sneakers while looking back up at Nolan, face-level with his stomach.

“You think that’ll look okay?” Nolan asked, careful to keep his expression neutral and innocent as he held the shirt up to the shoes.

“Yeah, you’ll look great,” Liam answered with another soft smile as he slowly righted himself and held the shoes out to Nolan.

Nolan tossed the shirt over his shoulder and took a shoe in each hand. Deciding to double down on what he was doing, he opted to put the shoes on first, pointedly not paying attention to Liam as he did so. He couldn’t bear to have his hopes crushed if Liam was looking at his phone or something.

Only once Nolan was fully dressed from the waist down did he finally put on the shirt and look back up at Liam.

Liam cleared his throat and turned back to his closet, this time withdrawing a duffel bag. “It’s cool about me staying over tonight, right?” he asked as he opened one of his drawers and packed a spare t-shirt. “I was thinking you wouldn’t want to be alone tonight with the funeral and stuff this morning.”

“Yeah.” Nolan’s stomach fluttered all over again in excitement at the prospect of Liam sleeping at his house, possibly even in his bed, again. “You’re right. Thanks.”

“Cool.” Liam gave him a quick smile before opening another drawer and grabbing a pair of sleep pants. “You can put your stuff in here too if you want.”

“Okay,” Nolan answered, gathering up his funeral clothes. Liam leaned against the wall by the closet while he folded them up and put them away. He added his pajamas from the other night that Liam was returning and zipped the bag. “Now what?”

Liam laughed and pushed off the wall. His shoulder brushed Nolan’s as he hefted the duffel. “We go ice skating, dude. Remember?”

“Right.” Nolan’s cheeks burned again.

The ride to the ice rink was brief and animated with Nolan’s excitement getting the better of him. “We used to go here a lot when I was little.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Nolan bounced in his seat, his face breaking into a proud smile. “My mom was a figure skater…at the Olympics.”

“No shit?!” Liam’s eyes went wide, his mouth slightly ajar before he refocused his attention on the road.

“Yep, that’s how my parents met.”

“Your dad’s a figure skater too?!”

Nolan burst out laughing at the notion. “No! It was some fancy party for the Olympic team. My dad’s company was a sponsor or something.”

“That’s so cool.” Liam grinned at him as they slowed down to turn.

“Yeah, so of course she had me and my sister out on the ice pretty much as soon as we could walk.”

“You must be a really good skater then.” Liam’s brow furrowed and his fingers closed around the steering wheel.

Nolan shrugged but nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“You still go pretty often?”

“No.” Nolan’s enthusiasm waned but only for a moment before he pushed through the swirl of dark feelings that threatened to encircle him. He wanted to focus on the fact that he was going today. With Liam. “I used to go with my sister sometimes, but now she’s at college so…”

“Oh.”

“But it’s cool. We’re here now, right?” Nolan asked as they turned into the parking lot. He was proud of the way he was regulating his emotions. They were going to have a good time dammit.

“Yeah, exactly!” Liam bumped his knuckles against the back of Nolan’s arm as he pulled into a parking space near the back of the lot.

Nolan frowned, wanting to ignore the little voice in the back of his mind that warned him he had just laid a trap for himself. He usually did ignore it…but he wasn’t supposed to.

“Liam wait,” Nolan said as Liam turned off the car and reached for the door handle. “I have to tell you something.”

“What?”

“My mom was a real estate agent.”

“You mean after she retired from being an Olympic figure skater?”

“No, like, instead of…” Nolan gave Liam an apologetic look. “I made that up.”

Liam’s face dropped.

“I’m sorry! I just wanted to impress you. Plus she really did love to skate. I have all these happy memories of her taking us…I guess I thought you’d understand more how much it meant to me if I said all that about the Olympics.”

Liam was silent for a moment, his jaw tight. Crap. Nolan had just ruined their friendship. He should have ignored the voice that told him to fess up.

“Nolan, you don’t need to lie to impress me or for me to understand that you have special memories of your mom.”

“Really?” Nolan looked Liam over carefully, trying to get a read on what he was thinking. He mostly seemed disappointed. Nolan couldn’t have that. “If it makes you feel any better my parents really did meet at a fancy party. But it was a state dinner in Argentina.”

Liam narrowed his eyes. “Really?”

Damn. The voice was back. Nolan cringed and shook his head. “They had Argentinian food at a restaurant in Vegas.”

Liam stared at him.

Nolan sighed. “Fine, it was a Chili’s on the outskirts of Reno.”

“Is that your final answer?”

Nolan smirked at him and shrugged. “To be honest, I don’t even know where they met for real. I just thought we were doing a thing…”

Liam laughed and lightly punched Nolan’s upper arm before opening his door. Nolan got out too and rounded the car to meet him.

“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to lie. It was just automatic.”

Liam frowned at him as they walked through the parking lot toward the entrance of the ice rink. “I’m gonna need you to not just casually lie to me all the time, Nolan. We’re friends. I need to be able to trust you when you tell me something.”

“You can trust me!” Nolan answered, stopping in his tracks and grabbing Liam’s arm. “I promise! I promise to…to be honest when I’m lying!”

Liam tilted his head.

“Like I’ll come clean about it. Especially if you promise not to get mad at me.”

“Could you just not lie to me at all?”

Nolan’s stomach twisted. This was really important to Liam. “Yeah, of course. I’ll just not lie to you at all.”

Liam looked pleased. He turned to keep walking but Nolan held onto his arm.

“Wait…I’m doing it now.”

“What?”

“I’m lying about being able to not lie to you. It’s gonna happen.”

“Why?” Liam asked. “Is this part of your BPD?”

Nolan thought it over before shaking his head. “I think I’m just a liar.”

Liam let out a sharp laugh. “Well at least you’re honest about it, I guess.”

“Yeah!” Nolan gave Liam a bright smile. “I’ll try not to do it, but if it happens sometimes, I’ll admit it.”

"Okay, and just so you know, I’m a werewolf–”

“I knew that!”

“–so I can tell when you’re lying if I’m looking for it,” Liam said as they stepped onto the sidewalk in front of the ice rink.

“What do you mean?”

“People’s heart rates change when they lie…well except Theo’s.” Liam pressed his lips together as he grabbed the handle of the door and held it open for Nolan.

“Why not Theo’s?” Nolan asked, stepping past Liam to enter the pleasantly cool building.

“He’s a really good liar.”

“I’m a really good liar,” Nolan admitted with a shrug. They stepped back to make room for anyone else who might enter, but lingered in the ice rink’s outer atrium as they continued their conversation.

Liam furrowed his brow and stared at Nolan for a few seconds. “Okay, do the two truths and a lie thing. I wanna see if I can tell.”

Nolan grinned. He liked that game. “My dad is the founder and CEO of a multinational company. We used to live in Palm Springs before we moved to Beacon Hills. I have no idea what country he’s in right now.”

Liam tilted his head, a frown forming on his lips. “I can’t tell…But I’m guessing the CEO thing?”

Nolan shook his head. “I’ve never lived in Palm Springs.”

“Weird.”

Nolan gave a slow nod. “Yeah, I hear it’s nice.”

“Try again.”

“Really nice.”

“With the two truths and a lie.”

“Oh.” Nolan thought for a bit. “I’m afraid of the ocean. I’m afraid of cops. I’m afraid of snakes.”

Liam’s frown deepened. “Damn. I can’t tell at all. But I bet you’re not afraid of the ocean.”

“No, I am,” Nolan answered softly. “I have this recurring dream where I’m drowning, but I can’t move. I can’t even try to swim. Then I realize it’s because I was already dead to begin with, and they were just dumping my body overboard.”

“Who?”

“It varies. Most of the people in my life have dumped me in the ocean at some point in my dreams.”

“Have I?” Liam asked, leaning with one shoulder against the wall.

“Of course,” Nolan answered, settling in across from him. “I used to be super scared of you and your pack. In those dreams I’m not just dead when you drop me in the ocean – I’m all shredded and clawed up.”

Liam leaned closer, their eyes meeting. “I hope you won’t have those dreams anymore, any of them, but especially the ones with me doing it.”

“I’m sure I won’t.” Nolan smiled back at him. He was sure of no such thing, but it seemed a small enough lie. “Anyway, on the bright side, I’m not afraid of snakes. Gabe has, er, had a snake, and she was, or, is cool…it’s weird that his snake outlived him.”

“Yeah.” Liam patted Nolan’s shoulder, leaving his hand in place. “Let’s try one more time with the truths and a lie. But this time…” He stood up straight, his hand sliding down Nolan’s arm to take his hand.

Nolan’s lips went dry and his stomach flipped. The effect was only amplified as Liam took his other hand too, holding them both with his thumbs pressed gently against Nolan’s wrists.

“I wanna see if I can tell this way.”

“Okay.”

“So” –Liam smiled at him from beneath his messy bangs– “Tell me something.”

Nolan swallowed, struggling to think of anything as he lost himself in Liam’s bright blue eyes. “Uhm, I-I never held hands with Gabe like this. Your hands are…very warm. And, uh, I think I’d be okay with us just standing here all day, even if we didn’t go in and skate.”

Liam’s thumbs traced a slow circuit over the veins in Nolan’s wrists. His mouth quirked into an amused smirk. “That time it seemed like everything you said was a lie.”

“Really?” Nolan whispered, his brow drawing together in confusion.

“Yeah,” Liam whispered back, leaning closer and tilting his head to one side. “Your heart rate’s going crazy.”

“Oh.” Nolan could practically hear his heart thumping in his own ears now that Liam had mentioned it. “Actually, I, uh…”

“Hmm?” Liam’s tongue flicked across his lips.

“I forgot to tell a lie at all that time.”

Liam hummed with amusement and gave Nolan’s hands a quick squeeze before he let go and stepped back, propping himself once more against the wall. “Well I think it’s safe to say, I can’t tell when you’re lying.”

Nolan’s hands tingled as he stuffed them into his pockets. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to,” he said with a grin after recovering from the moment.

“That’s not a good thing,” Liam answered, a slight pout forming on his lips.

“It’s kinda cool,” Nolan answered, trying and failing not to stare at Liam’s mouth, “but don’t worry. I won’t use my power for evil…Again. ”

“I know,” Liam answered, turning and motioning for them to take their place behind the small group of people queued at the front desk. He pulled out his wallet, but Nolan stopped him.

“It’s on me,” he answered, holding up his credit card.

“Nah, you paid for lunch. I’ll get this.”

Nolan shrugged. “CEO dad remember? It’s fine. He doesn’t pay any attention to me – or what I spend money on. So why not?”

Liam shook his head. “Because if you keep paying for everything, after a while it’ll start to feel like we’re only hanging out because of your money.” He brushed his shoulder against Nolan’s as he retrieved a card from his own wallet. “And that’s not what this is.”

“Okay,” he answered, his lips tugging into a smile as a warm flush rolled over him from head to toe. “Hey Liam?”

“Huh?”

“What is this?” Nolan couldn’t help the intense, demanding expression that formed across his face as he stared at Liam. He wanted to be casual; he didn’t want to scare him…but he couldn’t help it. He had to know now that the question was out there.

Liam’s lips parted and he turned his head only halfway, giving Nolan a look from beneath his hair before shuffling forward as the line advanced. They were almost to the front. He could stall and not answer. Nolan would hate that. It would play on a loop in his head and keep him up that night…but he’d accept it.

“This is…” He shook his head slightly. “Two friends spending the day together and getting to know each other better.”

“Oh.” Nolan felt the answer like a stab to his chest.

Liam surprised him by winding an arm around his back. “It couldn’t really be more than that.”

“Ri-ight.” Nolan croaked the word more than said it, the urge to shove Liam’s arm away warring with an even stronger impulse to bury his face against Liam’s chest and cry now that he knew the reality of their situation. “Because you’re straight.” He shrugged a little and risked looking back at Liam. “And I’m crazy.”

Liam’s face was a mask of sympathy, concern, and kindness. And something else burning in his eyes that Nolan couldn’t quite interpret.

“No, um, just because today was Gabe’s funeral.” His arm was heavy and reassuring as he squeezed Nolan against the side of his body and looked straight into his eyes. “I don’t think this can be anything else…today.”

“Today?”

“Yeah, I mean, tomorrow’s a whole different day. We’ll have to see where we are then.” Liam cleared his throat and let go of Nolan as the guy in front of them moved away and the young woman behind the desk turned her attention to them. “Two please.”

Chapter Text

After getting their skates, Nolan led Liam to the bench he’d always seemed to use when he’d come to the ice rink with his family. The soft padded floor scrunched and sunk beneath their feet as they walked. It was awkward and unsatisfying, and yet it filled him with anticipation. He couldn’t wait to get his skates on and get out on the ice!

“I had a birthday party here once when I was a kid,” Nolan said, turning to Liam as he plopped onto the bench. “My whole class came.”

“Really? Too bad we didn’t go to the same elementary school,” Liam said as he took his place beside Nolan and drew his foot up onto the bench to begin taking off his shoes.

“Nah, no one from that long ago likes me anymore, so I’m kinda glad we didn’t meet until high school.”

“Right, ‘cause we got off to such a great start then,” Liam answered with an eye roll.

Nolan’s heart sank, but then Liam’s shoulder and knee pressed against his body, heavy and warm, as he shifted his weight and raised his other leg to the bench, and it clicked that the comment had been meant as playful and not and as a stinging rebuke of the past.

“Me and Mason have been best friends since second grade,” Liam continued in the casual, informative tone they’d been using all day as they traded biographical facts.

“That’s amazing.” Nolan couldn’t imagine having a friend for that long, but as he leaned into Liam, enjoying the closeness, it didn’t feel like it mattered.

Liam flashed him a smile as he slipped his foot into the skate.

“Corey went to my school and was in the grade below me. But I didn’t know him,” Nolan said, refocusing on the task at hand as he laced up his first skate.

“See, and now you’re friends,” Liam said, ending the contact as he picked up his other skate and leaned the opposite direction to put it on.

“Well…” Nolan mentally ran through his recent interactions with Corey while sliding his foot into his own second skate. “I guess maybe. I don’t think he hates me as much anymore.”

“Of course he doesn’t.” Liam laughed as he wrangled his second skate on without loosening it first. “I’ll make some plans for us with him and Mason and Theo this weekend. You just need to hang out with them a few more times, but they’re your friends now.”

Nolan remained silent, enjoying the snug, secure sensation of the skates around his ankles as he pondered having a friend group for the first time – well a friend group without rifles and crossbows and a loose command structure.

“It’s weird that we’re graduating at the end of this year,” Liam continued, sliding his shoes under the bench and sitting up straight as he finished. “Me and Mason and Corey should still have another year left.”

“I’m really glad you’re in my class though,” Nolan answered, pressing his shoulder against Liam’s again as he pretended to inspect his skate. “And you guys are so smart. It makes sense for you to graduate early.”

Liam laughed. “Well, that’s not why they skipped us, but thanks.”

Nolan smiled at him as he got up. “Ready?”

“Yeah.” Liam smiled back at him, stood, and–

Nolan lunged forward, grabbing Liam’s arms and bracing him as he toppled sideways. “What happened?!”

“Nothing!” Liam answered, pulling away from Nolan and taking a couple tentative steps before rolling his ankle and pitching sideways.

Nolan caught him again and this time didn’t let go as the werewolf continued clomping toward the ice, swaying and stumbling as he went.

“Liam, you’ve never worn ice skates before, have you?” Nolan asked as he tugged Liam to a stop – and caught him again as he fell off one of his skates.

“I have not,” Liam answered, his cheeks flushing an adorable rosy color. “But I’ll get the hang of it.”

“Yeah, of course,” Nolan answered, nudging Liam toward the nearest bench, “but let me check the fit of your skates first.”

“They feel okay.” Liam let out a subtle sigh of relief and gripped the edge of the new bench as he sat down.

Nolan hunched over Liam and slid his finger between the laces and the tongue of the skate. “No, they’re too loose. That’s why you keep rolling your ankles.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll fix ‘em. Hold still.” Nolan sank to his knees in front of Liam and untied his skate, loosening it and giving himself plenty of slack before beginning to meticulously re-tighten each strap from the bottom up.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“No really, it does helps,” Nolan answered, smiling up at him.

“I mean, I can do it.” Liam raised his other skate to the bench and began untying it.

“Okay, I’ll work on this one.” Nolan gave Liam’s calf a squeeze.

Once Nolan was done with the skate he was working on, he inspected the one Liam was doing. He frowned.

“What?” There was an edge of defensiveness to Liam’s tone that made Nolan reluctant to answer, but he did anyway for the sake of Liam’s comfort.

“I think you made it too tight this time, especially down here.” He tapped at the laces across the top of Liam’s foot. “Your foot’s gonna fall asleep or at least get sore.”

Liam let out a grumble in the back of his throat that was just shy of a growl. Nolan thought he was going to snap at him or maybe even call the whole thing off, but instead he took a couple of deep breaths. “Okay, I’ll try again.”

“I can do it,” Nolan offered looking up at Liam hopefully. He kind of liked tying his skates. It made him feel useful, especially since it was one of the only things Liam wasn’t good at.

Liam looked like he was going to argue, but after a moment nodded. “Okay, thanks.” He squeezed Nolan’s shoulder.

Nolan grinned and set to work re-lacing the skate. When at last he was done and fully satisfied, he stood and held out his hands. “Okay, hold on to me until you get used to walking.”

Liam looked around the sitting area at the handful of people not on the ice.

“Don’t worry. Lots of people don’t know how to skate or need help.”

Liam frowned but nodded as he took Nolan’s hands and stood.

Once again Nolan’s skin tingled and a flurry of warmth lit his stomach. He cleared his throat, shifting his focus to monitoring Liam’s balance as he took a few heavy, awkward steps.

“I think I’m getting it,” he said as Nolan took several big steps back to give him space to continue advancing.

“Yeah, you got it!” Nolan answered, his thumbs stroking the sides of Liam’s hands. “You want to try letting go?”

Liam nodded and released Nolan’s hands. He faltered slightly on his first step but righted himself and continued advancing until they reached the edge of the rink.

“Think you’re ready for the ice?” Nolan asked.

Liam took a breath and nodded.

“Okay, stay right there. I’ll go out first and then you can hold my hands again,” Nolan said as he stepped onto the ice. His feet had felt incomplete in the skates on the padded floor, but as they contacted the hard, slick surface it felt like they were finally whole. The muscles in his legs twitched and his chest coursed with excitement. “Gimme a second!”

He grinned at Liam before spinning around and sprinting forward, gathering up speed and momentum as he whizzed around kids and slower skaters until he didn’t think he could go any faster. Then he jumped into a turn and spun, rotating in the air and landing smoothly on the ice facing the opposite direction. A burst of pride surged through him as the skaters around him ooh’d in surprise, and some even clapped.

Liam looked on, a dumbfound expression on his face as Nolan raced back to him. He couldn’t resist showing off just a little more, turning his ankle and launching a spray of ice into the air as he skidded to a stop in front of Liam.

“Wow, Nolan, that was incredible!”

Nolan shrugged, scrapping his skate against the ice and trying to hide the grin on his face. “I just needed to burn off some energy,” he said as casually as he could before looking up. “You ready?”

Liam glanced at the path up the ice Nolan had taken, then back at him, his eyes slightly wide as he clung to the top of the low wall beside the opening of the rink. “We’re not gonna…?”

“Oh no!” Nolan laughed and shook his head as he spun to face Liam fully, his back to the rest of the rink. “That’s more of a second time you skate kinda thing.”

Liam blinked at him.

Nolan laughed and held out his hands. “I promise, we won’t go fast.”

Liam nodded and let go of the side of the wall so he could take Nolan’s hands in each of his own. “Here we go.” He stepped off the padded floor and onto the ice.

“Yeah, you got this! Just focus on keeping your balance for right now. Don’t even move your feet,” Nolan said as he gently tugged Liam forward and began slowly skating backward.

“I’m staying up!” Liam declared, pride evident in his voice as he grinned down at his feet.

“I knew you could! You’re really athletic! Plus you’re a…” Nolan glanced at a family of skaters nearby. “Uh, you know.”

“Right. That probably helps too.” Liam raised his grin up from the ice to Nolan. “So how would I move if I didn’t have an expert skater pulling me along?”

Nolan chuckled and looked away, enjoying the compliment and trying to resist the urge show off. “Have you ever rollerbladed?”

Liam shook his head.

“Really?” Nolan was genuinely surprised.

“It was never my thing.”

“Okay, well, um basically you just push with your feet like this” –Nolan let go of one of Liam’s hands and turned so that they were side-by-side– “and you–”

Liam hissed through his teeth and grabbed Nolan’s arm with his free hand as he started to fall.

Nolan held him up as his skates slipped and slidded under him. “Hold still. It’s okay.”

Liam grunted as he let go of Nolan’s hand and arm in favor of clutching the front of his body as he lurched lower and lower toward the ice, his skates frantically sliding around beneath him as he tried and failed to find purchase.

“I gotcha.” Nolan gripped Liam’s sides and hefted the werewolf back up, then carefully guided them back the few feet necessary for Liam to make contact with the wall.

Liam took a couple of quick breaths as he regained his balance and was able to stand once more on his skates without moving. “That was close!”

Nolan couldn’t help the burst of laughter that tumbled from his mouth as he stared into Liam’s wide blue eyes. “It would have been okay if you’d had to go down. It’s just ice, and we were barely moving.”

“Right, I-I guess so.” Liam’s cheeks were rosy and flushed.

Nolan smiled at him and wound his arms the rest of the way around him, giving Liam a quick, tight hug and patting his back as he pressed him against the wall, doing his best to make Liam feel safe.

“Okay, hold onto the wall and watch me,” Nolan said as he skated back a couple feet.

Liam nodded at him, both hands clutching the wall as he turned sideways to face Nolan.

“Watch my feet.” Nolan held one up and very slowly lowered it back to the ice. “See, you kinda push off at an angle.” He repeated the move with his other foot and let himself glide back to Liam. “You don’t need a lot of force unless you wanna go fast. It’s just a gentle slide and push.”

Liam nodded. “Okay.”

"You wanna try?”

Liam gave a decisive nod and carefully let go of the wall, positioning himself so that he was standing up straight a few feet away from Nolan and facing him.

“You’re doing great with your balance.”

“Thanks.” Liam said, frowning as his skates then proceeded to drift apart and he had to reach back and tug himself closer to the wall again.

“Okay, remember, a gentle slide and push.” Nolan showed him again, gliding up to Liam as slowly as he could, then skating back again and holding up his arms. “Come here.”

Liam’s eyes narrowed with determination. He carefully raised one foot and pushed off, his eyes widening again as he glided forward. His angle had him drifting off to one side, but he pushed off with his other foot and righted course.

“I don’t know how to stop,” he said with a laugh as he grabbed Nolan’s forearms and their bodies gently collided.

Nolan chuckled and pushed forward, guiding Liam back until he was against the wall again with Nolan’s hands resting on the low wall behind him and Liam clutching Nolan’s sides.

“That was so cool!” Liam said with a wide grin, their faces only inches apart.

“Yeah, and you nailed it!” Nolan answered, patting Liam’s back.

“You’re a good teacher,” Liam answered, still smiling into the narrow space between them. “I wanna try again, but further this time.”

“Perfect!” Nolan let go of Liam and skated backward, mindful of a pair of girls circling past them. He and Liam had picked a good day for this. There weren’t a lot of people on the ice. “C’mon!” he called out, holding his arms out again and ready for another embrace with Liam.

Liam grinned, raised his foot, and–

“Errrr!” He fell over sideways and hit the ice, landing splayed out on his side.

Nolan had already reached him by the time he had gotten to his knees. He gently gripped Liam’s forearm and tugged him up, unbothered as Liam scrabbled against him. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just…embarrassed.” Liam’s cheeks were flushed red again, and he was avoiding Nolan’s eyes.

“It’s okay. Everyone falls. Don’t think about it too much. Just try again.”

As soon as Liam had a hand on the wall, Nolan let go and skated away. He didn’t want to give Liam time to get in his head about his fall and psych himself out before his next attempt.

“Okay, come meet me.” Nolan held still, his hands outstretched again.

Liam looked more hesitant this time but pushed off from the wall. Another push, and glide, and push, and he was grabbing Nolan’s hands and skating up against him again. “I did it!”

“Yep!” Nolan grinned and gave Liam a little hug before skating them back to the wall. “You wanna do it again or try to make a full loop around the rink?”

“Uh, let me try that one more time.”

Nolan skated into position, adding another half dozen feet between them. The determination was back on Liam’s face as he skated across the ice and grabbed Nolan. This time he seemed more in control of his trajectory and even added a little more force to reach him faster.

“You’re so good at this!” Nolan said, winding one arm around Liam’s waist as they returned to the edge of the rink. “C’mon, let’s make a full loop. I’ll hold your hand.”

“Okay.” Liam smiled and laced his fingers with Nolan’s.

For a moment it felt like Nolan’s heart stopped. There’d been plenty of hand-to-hand contact since they’d arrived at the rink, but no finger lacing and it felt way more intimate.

Liam squeezed Nolan’s fingers and smiled at him as they started skating. Right. He could hear and sense Nolan’s reactions…but maybe that was a good thing. If it had bothered him he would have let go and shoved Nolan away, right?

Liam’s words from earlier rang in his ears as they reached the midpoint of this first stretch of the rink. Tomorrow’s a whole different day. We’ll have to see where we are then. That was good, right? Not just something he’d said to placate Nolan? It didn’t matter. Nolan was very placated – and excited!

“This is really fun,” Liam said.

“Yeah!” Nolan all but shouted, releasing the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

Liam grinned at him and Nolan grinned back, and as they completed the second half of the stretch and reached the first curve, Nolan focused on being in the moment the way his therapist had taught him, enjoying Liam’s fingers enmeshed with his own, the way they were skating almost in unison – Liam’s rhythm was still a little bit erratic, but it was close – and the attentive enjoyment that seemed to be radiating between them. Nolan usually felt like the other person or people he was with were annoyed or outright angry with him, or else ignoring him. The past week with Liam had been an exception, and as with that morning at Gabe’s funeral, it had felt like Liam was paying attention to him to help him manage his emotions. That was kind and incredible, but this was even better. Liam was paying attention to him and having fun with him. The closest recent point of reference Nolan had to something like this was when he’d had sex with Gabe. Gabe was definitely having fun, and his attention, his hands and eyes, were all over Nolan’s body – it was amazing and the best it had ever felt between them – but Liam’s attention, even in this non-intimate act, was so much more…attentive somehow. Nolan couldn’t quite figure out the difference, only that, the sex and lust aside, this might actually feel better.

“What now?” Liam asked, a tinge of nerves in his voice as they reached the bend and needed to start turning.

Nolan let out a laugh, a manic burst of happiness surging through him, and instead of turning to his left and following the path of the rink, he turned to his right and pinned Liam against the wall, giving him a quick, tight hug and remaining close as he released him.

Liam’s deep blue eyes were wide and curious, and they shifted to happy and curious as he squeezed Nolan’s hips and a gust of amused laughter accompanied the smile that lit his face. “This is certainly different.”

Nolan tilted his head. Hugs weren’t really unusual for them at this point.

Liam shrugged. “I like, flashed back to that time in the classroom…”

Nolan’s lips parted and his stomach crashed through his feet as he flashed back too, his knuckles twitching with the phantom burning sensation of colliding with Liam’s face. He saw the blood covering his mouth all over again, remembered the pain and fear in his eyes, his blue, human eyes as he’d refused to shift and kick their asses.

“I’m so sorry.” Nolan could hardly get the words out. It was as if a thousand pounds of sand were resting on his chest. “I should know better than to pin you against a wall.”

Nolan moved to pull away, but Liam held him in place, one hand still on his hip and the other coming around to encircle his back. He looked into Nolan’s eyes, his face nothing but kind and gentle. “I’m not scared.”

In an instant their positions were reversed as Liam spun them around and Nolan was the one pinned to the wall. Liam’s hand moved from Nolan’s back, rising into the air in front of his face. And for a moment Nolan was back at the abandoned zoo, Liam’s eyes glowing and his fangs out as he punched the wall beside Nolan’s head.

“Are you?” he whispered, caressing Nolan’s cheek with his thumb.

“No,” Nolan whispered back as all the fear and pain and guilt drained away from him. He turned his face, nuzzling into Liam’s touch. “I can’t believe I was ever afraid of you.”

“Yeah,” Liam whispered, leaning closer, their noses almost touching. “I can’t believe I ever wanted to hurt you.”

He started to pull back, and it was Nolan’s turn to stop him, cupping the side of his face, mirroring him. “It’s gotta be tomorrow somewhere right?”

A smile quirked Liam’s lips, and Nolan took it as a green light. He held his breath as he pressed his lips to Liam’s. And then breathed into his mouth. Liam let out a humming sigh that sounded enough like a moan that Nolan felt it in his groin.

Liam’s thumb was warm and affectionate on Nolan’s cheekbone as he broke the kiss, his forehead pressed to Nolan’s through their hair. “Real tomorrow can’t come fast enough.”

Nolan let out a strangled gasp and Liam surprised him by pecking his mouth one more time before letting go completely.

Chapter Text

“Nolan.” Dr. Johnson smiled as she ushered him into her office. “How are you today?”

“Better,” He answered as he sank into his usual chair. “I slept well last night. How are you?”

“I’m fine.” She grabbed her notepad off the side table and sat across from him. “I’m pleased to hear you haven’t been having nightmares or flashbacks. They’re very common after a traumatic experience.”

“Liam stayed over again last night,” Nolan answered, raising his eyes to her face to study her reaction.

She frowned, but just for a moment before she continued in a neutral tone. “I see.”

It was Friday, tomorrow would be a week since Gabe had been killed and the Anuk-Ite and the hunters had been defeated. The hunters. Nolan’s perspective had shifted. He didn’t see himself as one of them anymore. Liam, Corey, Mason, even Theo – they were Nolan’s friends. He was one of them, not a hunter like Monroe and Gabe.

“How many nights has Liam stayed over?”

Nolan shrugged but counted it out on his fingers. “Saturday night after Gabe died, Tuesday after his funeral and our ice skating day, and last night just for fun. So only three.”

“In less than a week.”

Nolan smiled to himself. It sounded good when she put it like that.

“Do you think you might be moving a little fast with Liam?”

“No.” He clenched his jaw and glared at her, beyond sick of her attitude about Liam. Things weren’t moving fast enough with Liam, and it was all her fault. Liam was the most amazing person he had ever met, and he made Nolan feel so happy and full he felt like bouncing in his seat. And Liam liked him, actually liked him. Nolan desperately wanted to lock things down as fast as he could, but instead– “I can’t believe I let you talk me out of asking him to be my boyfriend.”

It had happened Wednesday during the special session he had booked to talk about Gabe’s death. He hadn’t even needed to go anymore and he wished he had just canceled. But it was the morning after Liam stayed over after ice skating, and he had wanted to drive Nolan to his appointment on his way to school. Liam was considerate like that, wanting to be sure Nolan had the support and resources he needed. Little had either of them known that Nolan’s own therapist was going to be the one standing in the way of his happiness.

“Nolan, it’s still only been three days since Gabe’s funeral. Don’t you think you should take some time to process your feelings before you start seeing someone else?”

“Absolutely not.” Nolan folded his arms and stared her down, close to losing his temper completely. “Why won’t you believe me when I tell you I’m over Gabe? That jerk did nothing but make me hate myself.”

“You’re angry about what happened,” she said calmly, patronizingly, “and that’s understandable but–”

“But you think my feelings are going to change because I have BPD?”

“No.” She gave him a soft smile. “I think your feelings are going to change because you’re human. Grieving is a process and–”

“And I’m done.” He arched his brow at her. “You never liked Gabe anyway. I don’t know why you’re suddenly all Team Gabe.”

“I never said I didn’t like him.”

Nolan shrugged. “Not outright, but you basically did. And you were right. Gabe was a dick. But Liam’s awesome! He gives the most amazing hugs, and he like actually gives them instead of pushing me away and making me feel worthless like Gabe used to.” He frowned at the floor. “Well, Gabe and everyone else.”

“You know, a symptom of your BPD–”

“Is devaluing some people and over-valuing others. I know.” Nolan smirked at her as her reaction let him know that was exactly what she had been about to say. “And I know BPD people have a tendency to rush into relationships, but I’m more than just my mental illness – Liam told me that on Wednesday after I left our session – And I’m not gonna miss out on someone like him just because I happen to have just lost an asshole boyfriend.”

“What makes you think you’d miss out on a relationship with Liam if you took a month or so to take care of your mental health before you start something new?”

“A month?! It would be Christmas break already.” Nolan waved his arms. He couldn’t believe what she was suggesting. “Someone like Liam isn’t going to just sit around being single all that time.”

“He’s single now,” Dr. Johnson answered. “What makes you think he won’t be single in a month?”

“He’s only single ‘cause he and his ex-girlfriend broke up at the end of summer.”

“I see.” She folded her hands and gave him a shrewd smile. “So he’s been taking some time to get over her before he rushes into something new?”

Nolan scowled. “He has more options than I do. He’s really hot. Besides, he was in love with Hayden. I wasn’t in love with Gabe.”

“You told me you were.”

“I was wrong.”

“Nolan–”

“Can I just be done?”

She frowned. “You still have most of your session left.”

“Not just with the session. With my BPD.”

She didn’t react as much as Nolan was expecting, instead simply leaning forward and catching his eyes. “You want to be done with your BPD?”

“Yeah.”

“You know it doesn’t work that way.”

Nolan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I feel better. I have Liam, and– Well I didn’t tell you this on Wednesday because you were making such a big deal about slowing down, but we made out on Tuesday. So I know he’s really serious about me. Plus I have new friends. Liam says they like me and everything! We’re all gonna hang out tomorrow. He has it all planned out.”

“Nolan–”

“And, and I’m free of a lot of toxic people in my life. You hate toxic people.” In retrospect Gabe, Monroe, Gerard, and the hunters had been nothing but poison. “So thanks for all your help, Dr. Johnson, but I’m okay now. I think I’m ready to be done with…well with this whole thing. I got it from here.”

“Nolan, this is a very impulsive decision.” Her voice was calm but a flash of distress flitted across her face.

“Feeling good is an impulsive decision?” He tilted his head and folded his hands, channeling her energy.

“Quitting therapy because you think you’ll feel good forever is an impulsive decision.” She set her notepad on the table. “What if you and Liam have a fight?”

“We’ll make up. He’s very mature. And I have a lot of, uh, tools to understand myself.”

“I see.” She was silent for a few moments, her gaze unblinking. “I can’t make you stay and do the work, Nolan.”

A surge of triumph coursed through him, but a moment later he groaned in defeat as he realized that– “Yes, you can. My dad will make me keep coming.”

“I can’t make you stay and do the work,” she repeated, arching her brow. “We’re both wasting our time if you only remain a patient because you have no other choice. And I do have a choice. So if this is what you want, I’ll let your father know I can no longer be your therapist.”

Nolan’s stomach lurched and a wave of panic crashed over him. “Wait, are you breaking up with me?!”

“No, I–”

“Don’t do it! Don’t make me leave. Give me another chance, Dr. Johnson! Please.”

“Will you do the work?”

“Of course!” He’d do anything he needed to do not to lose her.

“Okay. Let’s talk about these new friends you mentioned.”

A flood of relief washed over him, but it was quickly followed by confusion and then anger as he replayed the last couple of minutes in his head. “Hold on. Did you just use my fear of abandonment to manipulate me?”

“No,” she answered calmly. “I set my own boundaries and you made a decision based on that. That’s how it works. I can’t control your actions, but I can control my response to them.”

“But I can’t!” He glared at her. “I wanted to quit therapy and now I’m still going to be coming. Why can’t I control my actions and responses?”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Seriously?” He folded his arms.

“Yes, seriously, Nolan. Helping you gain that type of insight is exactly the work we’re doing here. Why do you think you decided so impulsively to quit therapy and then not to?”

“I was gonna quit because you don’t like Liam. And now I’m gonna stay because I don’t wanna be a screw up who gets kicked out of therapy.”

“I have no personal feelings about Liam. And I’m glad we’re going to continue our sessions, but only if you want to be here.”

“You don’t want me to date him,” Nolan answered, focusing on the most important part. “You probably don’t even want me to make out with him. Admit it. You don’t want me to make out with him.”

“I don’t want you to date and make out with him yet without carefully evaluating whether you’re ready to begin another emotionally intense relationship so soon after losing Gabe and with so much other turmoil in your recent past.”

“But that’s the thing. Liam helps with all that. He, like, fixed all my problems and made me feel good about myself.”

“That is the thing, Nolan.” She leaned forward, holding eye contact. “Because it’s not his job to fix your problems, and it’s dangerous to tie your sense of self worth and emotional well being to someone else.”

“But I couldn’t have gotten through the past week without him.”

“It’s good to have support, and it’s important to lean on people you can trust when you’re having a crisis.”

“That’s the opposite of what you just said!”

“It’s not. You want someone who can support you and help you work through your own problems, not magically fix them for you. You want someone who makes you feel like it’s safe to be yourself and like their caring isn’t contingent on your doing everything they want.”

“That’s…complicated.”

“Extremely,” she agreed with a nod, “but it’s something you can do, Nolan. I know you, and I know it is.”

“So, are you saying it’s okay that Liam makes me happy, or that it’s not?”

“I’m saying it’s nuanced. You should absolutely surround yourself with people who make you happy. The problem is when you’re relying on them for your happiness.”

“I just…I don’t see the difference.”

“That’s okay. It’s a big topic. You can work through it bit by bit.”

“But I can’t date Liam while I’m doing it?”

“I don’t know. That’s up to you to figure out.”

Chapter Text

“Wow, I would freeze my ass off!” Nolan said with a chuckle as he lay on his couch with Liam, spooning him from behind.

“I’d keep you warm,” Liam answered, squeezing Nolan’s hand where it rested against his chest.

“I’d need like three werewolves to do that!” Nolan insisted, laughing harder and pressing his face against Liam’s hair. It was soft, and it smelled like mint.

“Hmm, maybe I could get Scott and Theo to go with us.”

Nolan didn’t answer, just laced his fingers with Liam’s and tried to refocus on the video they were watching on his TV.

It was late Friday afternoon, and Liam had driven him home after school. Once they’d had a snack, they’d sprawled out on the couch and begun scrolling through YouTube for random things to watch. Currently that random thing was a video of a couple staying at an ice hotel in Sweden and sleeping on a literal bed of ice. It was ridiculous and hysterical, and Nolan half-wished they were serious about going some day.

“So how was therapy?”

Nolan groaned in the back of his throat as he played with Liam’s fingers.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Nah, it was just something stupid my therapist said. But she was wrong.”

“Hmm.” Liam paused the video and tilted his head all the way back so he could look up at Nolan. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Yeah,” Nolan answered softly, smiling back at Liam and tightening his arms around him. He didn’t care if Dr. Johnson thought they were moving too fast. There was no way he was giving this up. There was something else on his mind though. “But uh, if we’re talking about stuff…”

“Yeah?” Liam rolled over onto his back. They were still pressed together, and Nolan could still rub Liam’s chest and stomach, but it wasn’t as much fun as their previous, spooning position.

“Remember Tuesday?”

“Yeah.”

“And we…kissed.”

Liam smirked at him. “Yeah.”

Nolan chewed at his bottom lip, unsure if he should risk bringing this up and ruining everything. He felt safe with Liam though, and he really wanted to find out what was going on, so he went for it. “Well, I just noticed we, uh, hadn’t again since then…”

“Oh.”

Nolan frowned. He might have brought up his confusion with Dr. Johnson if he hadn’t felt like she was already judging them. He’d might as well let her think they had been kissing since Tuesday rather than having kissed only on Tuesday.

“Anyway, uhm, I thought it was nice,” Nolan continued, looking away from Liam’s steady gaze and trying to keep his composure. “But if you don’t wanna do it again, that’s cool.”

Liam sat up on the couch. “Nolan–”

“No, I get it,” Nolan said quickly as he sat up too. “I was just gonna offer, um… Like there’s other stuff and even if you don’t want to kiss…”

Liam’s brow furrowed.

Nolan took a sharp breath and laid it all out there. “You can use my holes! No kissing necessary.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, ass or mouth, whatever you prefer.” Nolan gave Liam a solemn nod so he would know he meant it. “And you can fantasize about someone else if you want. Or we can turn on porn. You know, whatever. It’s chill.”

Liam blinked at him, his lips parted. “What are you even talking about?!”

Nolan bit his lip, fighting back the sudden rush of tears that threatened to overwhelm him. “I just wanna give you something, and make all this worth your while.”

“Oh Nolan.” Liam gripped his upper arms and pulled him in for a hug.

“You don’t have to” –Nolan let out a sob– “do anything back. I just want” –another sob– “to make you feel good.” He took a halting breath and buried his face against Liam’s neck. “And show you I care,” he finished in a trembling whisper.

“Nolan, you don’t have to have sex with me to prove you care.” Liam rubbed slow, soothing hands up and down his back. “And hanging out with you is worth my while without anything else happening.”

“So you don’t want to fuck me?” Nolan cried harder. He knew Liam was trying to make him feel better, but all he could hear was that Liam didn’t want him that way, that they would never be anything but friends. Dammit, Dr Johnson had been right to warn him to slow down. She probably knew Liam was going to reject him – of course Liam was going to reject him. Nolan was a worthless piece of–

“I do want to…fuck you actually.”

“You do?!” Nolan yanked his head back to look at Liam, a ray of hope blooming in his chest. He sniffled wetly and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “Alright! Let’s do this.” He jumped off the couch and started opening his pants.

“Whoa, Nolan!” Liam grabbed his hands and tugged him back into his seat. “Can you take a beat?”

“Oh, uh, if you’re not ready” –he licked his lips and glanced meaningfully at Liam’s crotch– “I can help you get ready.”

“I’m not ready– We’re not ready, in a larger sense.”

“Larger?”

“Yeah.”

“How big?”

Liam laughed and tugged Nolan against him as they lay back down on the couch, this time with Liam spooning him.

“I’m sorry.” Nolan sighed. His thoughts and emotions were racing, and he knew he was having an episode. He needed to get himself under control.

“It’s okay.” Liam slipped his hand under Nolan’s shirt and rubbed his stomach. “I want sex too, and for the record, I also want to kiss you.”

“So why haven’t you?” Nolan asked, trailing his fingers over the back of Liam’s arm. “I even tried to kiss you a couple times and you moved or turned your head.” The rejection stung in the pit of Nolan’s stomach, and even Liam’s warm hand did little to ease the ache.

“I think that we should slow down.”

“What…?” In an instant Nolan’s lungs were crushed. Why would Liam think they should slow down? Fuck. Fuck! FUCK! Had Dr Johnson called him? Was this all her doing? Her fault?! He was so done with her after this. He was going to go to his next appointment just so he could scream at her and tell her how much he hated her.

“I know it feels like everything has to happen now, but it doesn’t,” Liam answered, the fingers of his other hand carding through Nolan’s hair.

“It does though,” Nolan whispered. “Monsters and hunters are real, Liam. And they’re everywhere.”

“We can still wait a couple weeks.”

“A couple weeks?!” Nolan turned his head enough to look back at Liam. “Two weeks ago, I didn’t think Gabe was gonna be dead.”

Liam started to speak, and Nolan hated himself but he had to make his point.

“Did you think Brett was gonna be dead two weeks ago?”

Hurt flashed across Liam’s face and he shut his mouth.

“We don’t have time to just” –Nolan waved his hand at the paused video on the screen– “sit around watching YouTube. If we wanna do something, we have to do it.”

Liam opened his mouth again but all that came out was a frustrated sigh.

“I don’t wanna lose you and have all these regrets about the things we never did.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Liam whispered.

Nolan turned around again and settled back in against him. He couldn’t bear to see the patient compassion written across his face, and even though he had meant everything he'd said as he was saying it, he knew he was manipulating Liam by bringing up Gabe and Brett. Because his real biggest fear was–

“If we don’t start having sex, or at least making out, you’re gonna get tired of me.”

Liam laughed. And it fucking hurt that Nolan was trying so hard to be honest, and Liam was laughing at him.

“I’m not gonna get tired of you. I like you.”

“Right now.” Nolan shrugged his shoulder against Liam’s chest. “I know my emotional outbursts, lies, and manipulation are gonna get old, Liam.”

“But you think I’ll look past all that if I’m fucking you?”

“I dunno, for a little longer I guess.”

“I like you,” Liam repeated, giving Nolan a tight squeeze, “and I know you’re gonna mess up. So am I. But what we have right now is going really well so far, and I just wanna take the time to get it right.”

“Okay,” Nolan answered softly as he grabbed the discarded remote off the floor. He didn’t feel any better, but he had just enough rationality to see that continuing to argue with Liam wasn’t going to help. He would just piss him off and make him leave faster.

“Is it?” Liam asked, speaking over the video as Nolan resumed it. “Are you okay?”

“Yep!” Nolan answered cheerfully as he patted Liam’s hand. “What you said makes a lot of sense, and I appreciate it. Let’s take the time to do this right.”

Nolan’s veins felt as cold as the ice bed he was looking at. He knew without a doubt that Liam would be done with him by the end of the weekend.

Chapter Text

“Okay,” Nolan answered softly as he grabbed the discarded remote off the floor.

“Is it?” Liam asked, speaking over the video as Nolan resumed it. “Are you okay?”

Nolan was anything but okay.

“Yep!” he answered cheerfully as he patted Liam’s hand. “What you said makes a lot of sense, and I appreciate it. Let’s take the time to do this right.”

Nolan’s veins felt as cold as the ice bed he was looking at. He knew without a doubt that Liam would be done with him by the end of the weekend.

The ache of that certainty cut through his chest like a cold dagger, leaving nothing but a frosty, numb pain in its wake. Everything was over. Liam was going to leave him and Nolan would be alone again – only now Gabe was dead, he had burned every bridge with the hunters, and all of Beacon Hills High had seen what a loser, maniac psychopath he was. No one was ever going to talk to him again unless it was to ridicule him.

He quaked with pain as this new realization layered on top of the first one and the tight, hot desperation that accompanied it burned away some of the stinging coldness.

Everything burned. His life was going up in flames.

“Nolan?” Liam’s fingers were slow and steady on his chest.

Nolan fucking hated him. Liam could fix everything if he wanted to. They could be together. Liam could be his boyfriend. Liam’s friends would put up with him if he was Liam’s boyfriend. People would respect him. Nolan wouldn’t be alone. His life wouldn’t be over. He’d even be able to control his fucking emotions if he had the security of a relationship to cling to.

“What can I do?”

Shut up! Just fucking shut your damn mouth and leave me the hell alone! This is all your fault! How dare you turn my life upside down and then fucking run out on me like everyone else!

Nolan took a shallow breath and shook his head. Liam seriously needed to shut the fuck up and give him a minute. Or just fuck him. That was all Nolan wanted. All he needed. If Liam fucked him it would buy them at least another week. Nolan could get his shit together then. He could be normal, and calm, and not such a garbage person, and maybe Liam would stay another week after that. And another. And–

“I know you’re freaking out. Talk to me about it.”

Aaaaahhhhh!

Nolan clenched his jaw. Refusing to scream at Liam. Or cry. Or jump off the couch and storm out of the room. His feelings weren’t real. He wasn’t being reasonable. They weren’t in a serious fight – yet. If he could just get himself under control maybe he could keep his life from imploding around him.

He took another shaky breath and let it out slowly. “Can we just lay here for a minute?”

“Okay.” Liam squeezed his chest and nuzzled his chin against the top of Nolan’s head. Then he fell silent as they watched the couple on the TV soaking in an arctic hot spring. It looked the perfect mix of cold and hot, balanced, pleasant – nothing like the fiery pain and iciness numbness somehow consuming Nolan at the same time.

Everything fucking hurt. He just wanted to scream at Liam to let all this be real. To make their relationship official so they could lie around cuddling on Nolan’s couch whenever they wanted without an expiration date, without the crippling ambiguity that made Nolan question everything about their current reality and where things were going.

He took another breath. The burning, hot-cold numbness he felt was real. But so were Liam’s arms wrapped around him. So was Liam’s chest pressed against his back.

Another breath.

Nolan’s feelings were real. His anger and his fear of abandonment were real. But feelings weren’t destiny. He had learned that in therapy. He could be scared and angry and hurt without it meaning his world was definitely going to collapse for real.

Nolan was crazy! It was a comforting thought. It meant he could have all kinds of irrational thoughts and feelings about a future that might never come to pass.

And this was real. This moment. Liam’s hand on his chest. Liam caring about him and being with him. Liam hadn’t done anything wrong. Not really. It was all in Nolan’s head, his crazy, fucked up head that always tried to ruin his relationships and drive people away.

But- But Nolan hadn’t done anything wrong yet either. He hadn’t screamed at Liam. He hadn’t wrecked their friendship. They were still okay.

Nolan was fucking scared…and that was okay. He could be scared. It was okay to be upset.

He closed his eyes and let the alternating blasts of fire and ice buffet his body and surge through his mind, daring to believe he could feel them without bursting into flames or freezing into detachment.

“I’m sorry I was weird,” Nolan said quietly about a half hour later once the icy inferno had passed and he knew he could trust himself to speak without screaming or freaking out. “I know I shouldn’t have just randomly blurted all that stuff out.”

Liam paused the current video and stroked Nolan’s side with slow, steady fingers. “It’s cool.”

“I feel better now,” Nolan said, lying back against Liam’s chest and tilting his head up to look at him. Liam was so frickin’ cute. He didn’t deserve all the irrational rage and guilt Nolan had narrowly avoided spewing all over him. “What you said before makes a lot of sense. I want to take the time to get this right too.”

Liam hummed and arched his brow. “You mean it this time? Because it didn’t take a werewolf to know you were lying before.”

“Yeah.” Nolan shrugged his shoulder against Liam’s chest. “I mean it now. I was just trying to avoid an argument before. ”

Liam frowned but nodded. “Okay…you know, you can tell me how you feel. We can talk about it.”

“I was gonna yell about how I felt.” Nolan laughed. “It’s cool though. I’m better now…and sorry about earlier. I wasn’t trying to rush you with the kissing and sex – Or, well I guess I was, but now I see I shouldn’t have.”

Liam smiled at him and rubbed his chest. “You know I really do wanna do that stuff, right? It’s not that I don’t. I just feel like we both need some time to get our heads straight after all the crap with the Anuk-ite, and Monroe, and–”

“And hating each each other until like a week ago?”

Liam laughed. “Right. And like you said…we watched people we knew and cared about die. We need to process that.”

“Yeah, okay.” Nolan nodded and rolled over so that he was fully facing Liam. He might have fallen off the couch if Liam hadn’t held him in place. “I guess that’s what Dr. Johnson was trying to tell me.”

“Exactly, and that’s what Ma– uhm…”

“Hmm?”

“Uhm, what mah head says we should do too.”

“Okay.” Nolan thought it over some more before looking back up at Liam. “So, are you thinking like another week, maybe ten days, and then we start fucking?”

Liam laughed and squeezed Nolan closer. “I think we should see how things go.”

Nolan wanted to try to nail down a firmer timeline, but they were interrupted as Liam’s phone buzzed on the table beside them. He leaned up to grab it and check the message.

“What’s up?” Nolan asked, fighting the urge to crane his neck and try to read the screen for himself.

“Mason’s asking if we wanna eat before we hang out tomorrow night?”

“Yeah definitely!” Nolan grinned and bobbed his head, unable to hide his excitement about the group hang they were planning for the next evening. “Are you gonna invite Theo too?”

“Yeah, I’ll text him now,” Liam answered with a smile of his own as he tapped away on his phone.

“And Mason’s bringing Corey?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Cool!”

Liam’s texts sent, they settled back in for more cuddling and mindless travel vlogs. Everything was calm and relaxed until Liam’s hands suddenly tightened against Nolan’s chest and he froze.

“Someone’s in your driveway.”

“What?” Nolan sat up.

Liam did too, his head tilted. “Two heartbeats. They just parked.”

Nolan heard a car door slam a moment later. Then another.

He jumped off the couch, fearing shooting down his spine. Was it Monroe and the remnants of the hunters come to exact revenge on him for betraying them?

Liam was on his feet too, and he crowded into place in front of Nolan, placing himself between Nolan and the door and extending one arm back protectively. Nolan was still frightened, but a rush of emotion warmed his core as he realized what Liam was doing.

“I don’t think they’re hostile,” Liam whispered as muffled but familiar voices finally reached Nolan’s ears at the same moment a key was inserted into the lock.

Nolan was still trying to process his surprise as he recognized the voices when, moments later, the alarm began beeping as his father stepped into the house, Nolan’s sister Natalie visible over his shoulder.