Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

How to care for your 🕺Sherlock

John created the group chat 'How to care for your 🕺Sherlock'

John added G. Lestrade, Molly! :3

1:34pm

G. Lestrade: ?

John: This is your crisis hotline for any and all inquiries regarding Sherlock Holmes while I am away for this medical conference. You will need it. Trust me. 

G. Lestrade added Mr.Anderson, Sally from 'Cars'

Sally from 'Cars': Is this what I think it is

Mr.Anderson: Why

G. Lestrade: So that you know I have as much information as you do and stop expecting me to magically handle him somehow. I’m not John. 

G. Lestrade: Also because it will hopefully impose upon you the importance of behaving your fucking selves. You’re literally the two officers charged with handling his involvement with cases, and you whine like children. 

Sally from 'Cars': You’re only saying that because Watson’s here. Coward

G. Lestrade: One day your insubordination will outweigh your competence at your job, and I will finally get to fire you

Mr.Anderson: You love us xoxo

G. Lestrade: ew

Molly! :3: This feels wrong… I don’t want to talk about Sherlock without him here. It feels like going behind his back.

G. Lestrade: Oh, it’s not so bad, Molly…

John: Molly

John: Don’t do it

Molly! :3 added SH

John: shit 

G.Lestrade: shit.

Sally from 'Cars': Christ’s sake

Mr.Anderson: oh, marvellous

SH: John, I do not see the point of this. I have enough interaction with these idiots as is, any more might do my intellect permanent damage. Besides, you already left me the bowl, the jumper, the book, the tea, extra milk and an empty drawer for the human/mammalian jawbones. The list of conditions for your departure is still up on the board. The firearm, harpoon, hydrochloric acid, and syringes are all hidden from me. The flat is papered with reminder sticky-notes. You promised you’d call. You even spoke to Mycroft, if I’m not mistaken, and I’m not. What more could you possibly need to prepare? -SH

G. Lestrade: I thought you preferred to text.

Sally from 'Cars': THAT’S what you got from that??

Molly! :3: Ehm, sorry, what’s the bowl for?

John: s i g h 

John: It’s a bowl of patented Watson advice. He has to take a piece of paper from it whenever he’s in doubt/about to do something. 

SH: I have read them all, but replaced them as requested. I shall endeavour to honour this arrangement. -SH

John: Appreciate it 

Mr.Anderson: I want to hear one of these advices 

SH: ‘Advices’. Good god. Don’t leave me here, John. -SH

G. Lestrade: That’s adorable. Can I hear a slip from the bowl, Sherlock? 

SH: Certainly not. They’re not for you. -SH

John: You can have one from my bowl, Greg.

G. Lestrade: You have one too?

John: Not to be outdone, as soon as he caught on to what I was doing he wrote me my own patented Holmes bowl so I wouldn’t get bored or ‘succumb to soul-sucking mundanity and return to him lesser.’

SH: You can’t have any of those either. I wrote those for John, not you, Geoff. -SH

SH: Guess what I’m playing, John. -SH

John: ‘Betrayal of the Finest’?

SH: In G major. -SH

Sally from 'Cars': Yikes

Molly! :3: I’ve never heard of that song before. 

SH: It’s an original piece. -SH

John: He wrote it for me the first time I threw out his mould cultures.

Mr.Anderson: the FIRST time?? ?

Sally from 'Cars': Every window I get into your life with the freak leaves me horrified 

SH: You are the definition of soul-sucking mundanity. -SH

Molly! :3: Don’t call him names. 

John: Alright, I just read a Holmes slip from the bowl and I’m not repeating that anyway

Mr.Anderson: Ew, keep your weird medeival sexting to yourself

SH: Mediaeval* -SH

John: It’s about the effects of cyanide on stomach acidity, Anderson. 

SH: Did you like it, John? -SH

John: …Sure. 

Molly! :3: That’s so thoughtful! Unconventional, but thoughtful, just like Sherlock! c: 

John: No one correct her. It’s refreshing to see hope. 

Sally from 'Cars': Wow, that’s sad.

Mr.Anderson: Lol

🧣🐝Sher🕺lock 🐝🧣

5:32pm

SH: <photoattachment.png>

SH: John, this pepper shaker contains a blend that matches eight out of about thirty-two recorded shades that I have observed in your hair almost perfectly. That is four more than most pepper blends observed in standard diner supplied pepper shakers. -SH

SH: The ratio is off, though. The slate grey granules are proportionally acceptable to the number of granules that resemble sand in arid eastern climates after a standard-length drought, which I have classified ‘Kandahar’ (as that is where you served for the longest period and is likely where the shade lightened). However, the slightly darker shade of brown granules that I have called ‘Lampropeltis’ (since it matches the scales found on the underbelly of an adult male King Snake almost exactly) are approximately twenty percent over the correct proportional amount. Conversely, the lighter shade that I refer to as ‘Wicker’ and the darker that I refer to as ‘Loam’ are about fifty percent and thirty nine percent under, respectively. -SH

SH: I will attempt to ameliorate this by adding approximately twelve percent from the salt shaker to the mix. -SH

SH: <photoattachment.png>

SH: Now that I have introduced roughly the correct amount of crystalline white salt granules (minimal in variation) to the blend, the contents of the pepper shaker match nine out of your thirty-two recorded shades. Five more than standard. -SH

SH: <photoattachment.png>

SH: I spilled the salt. -SH

Chapter Text

How to care for your 🕺Sherlock

10:32am

Mr.Anderson: Help me settle a debate once and for all 

Sally from 'Cars': Just give up, Phil. There’s no shame in being ridiculously, embarrassingly, mind-bogglingly wrong 

G. Lestrade: This better not be being carried out on polie time 

Mr.Anderson: polie

G. Lestrade: Shut up

Molly! :3: What’s the debate?

Mr.Anderson: Sherlock Holmes is an otter in a flappy coat.

John: Come again?

SH: What? -SH

Mr.Anderson: Sherlock.

Mr.Anderson: Holmes

Mr.Anderson: is

Mr.Anderson: an

Mr.Anderson: otter

Mr.Anderson: in

Mr.Anderson: a

Mr.Anderson: flappy

Mr.Anderson: flappy

Mr.Anderson: coat.

G. Lestrade: It’s not even lunch break and I need a drink

SH: Congratulations, Anderson, it’s official. No human being on this earth has ever made me miss nicotine as much as you have. -SH

John: I’m listening, Anderson. Present your evidence

Sally from 'Cars': oh dont encourage him 

Mr.Anderson: friends, enemies, lovers. May I present unto you…

Sally from 'Cars': call me your lover again and I’ll relocate your coccyx

G. Lestrade: Seconded

Mr.Anderson: ✨~Sherlotter~✨

Mr.Anderson:

G. Lestrade: Oh what the fuck

Molly! :3: HDFVJFEJFJDHJDFTHATS SIO CUTE

SH: Where the hell did you get that picture? -SH

Mr.Anderson: the internet 

SH: Not the one of the otter. -SH

Mr.Anderson: But they’re both otters

G. Lestrade: im nfcryingg

G. Lestrade: that’s so funnyy

Molly! :3: NNNGNGGHHHHH 

Sally from 'Cars': I suspect we;ve lost watson

SH: I guarantee it. -SH

G. Lestrade: I can hear him laughing like an echo in my brain, he might manifest back in london by sheer virtue of that picture

Sally from 'Cars': molly’s in the beyond, theres nothing we can do for her now 

Mr.Anderson: pray

SH: No. -SH

John: Nay. I have merely been considering such an intriguing presentation. So intriguing, in fact, that I will add onto your evidence and present my own.

Molly! :3: P LE ASE

Mr.Anderson: YES JOHN 

SH: I advise you to think carefully about your next move, John Watson. -SH

John: Remember when you melted my favourite pair of trainers last week?

SH: John. -SH

John: 

G. Lestrade: THEY FIT SO WELL HAHAHHAHAHHAHA

Sally from 'Cars': Do I want to know what’s happening in that last one?

Molly! :3: NOOOOO IM DJJFDECEASED 

Molly! :3: HE LEP

Mr.Anderson: I KNEW TEXTING YOU WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA 

Mr.Anderson: holy shit those are way better than my photos

Sally from 'Cars': well he actually has a reason to have quality photos of his partner in unmentionable things? Whats your excuse?

Mr.Anderson: you fear what you don’t understand

SH: I will teach you to regret, John. -SH

SH: 

Molly! :3: PLFDJUEHFHDHSJSJohnKKFJJG

G. Lestrade: OH MY FUCKING GOD

Sally from 'Cars': Okay, that’s pretty good. 

G. Lestrade: THE FIRST ONE IM PISSIING

SH: Good taste, Lestrade, the first one is my favourite too. -SH

Sally from 'Cars': Love that none of us even blink at the fact that the freak has pics of watson sleeping

Mr.Anderson: Don’t worry john, we can salvage this 

John: We can?

Mr.Anderson: Don’t tell me you don’t have more photos of Holmes tucked away that resemble otters

John: …

John: Wait i might actually 

Mr.Anderson: YES

SH: This is not a war you will win, John. -SH

SH: This is not Afghanistan. -SH

Sally from 'Cars': Woah, straight for the throat

John: Are you… under the impression that I won that war?

Mr.Anderson: FOCUS JOHN

Mr.Anderson: THE PICTURES

John: SIR YES SIR

SH: Submit, John. -SH

Sally from 'Cars': keep it in yer pants, lads

John: Alright just for that 

John: 

Mr.Anderson: JOHN I LOVE YOU

Molly! :3: JHSHFDHCSHC ME TO O 

Molly! :3:  G O FD

G. Lestrade: HAHAHAHAHHAa JOHN IM BUYING YOU A PINT FOR THAT MATE

John: As well you should. 

John: Your move, Sherlock. 

SH: 

John: oh fuck you

G. Lestrade: YES! The yawn returns!

Sally from 'Cars': #yawnsforjawns2k16

Sally from 'Cars': Watson lowkey lookin fine in summa them damn

SH: Your use of the phrase ‘summa them’ belies your blindness. Your inability to recognise quality until it is hand-fed to you in 480HP and perfect lighting without any context or depth is proof enough that you don’t recognise it for what it is at all, and are entirely unworthy of the thing besides. Stick to incompetent ‘forensic analysts’.

Sally from 'Cars': ohp someone’s jealous 

G. Lestrade: You can tell ‘cause he forgot to sign it 

SH: *-SH

Sally from 'Cars': Oh yes, call more attention to it, that’ll throw em

Mr.Anderson: This chat is the best thing to ever happen to me

John:

Molly! :3: CUTE!!!1!1!!

Sally from 'Cars': Distracting everyone from your intense homoerotic energy doesn’t work if you do it by sending us an intimate picture of Holmes the Untouchable letting down his guard and possibly skinny dipping, bathing suit unconfirmed 

John: shut???? Up??????

G. Lestrade: hehe look at him paddlin

Mr.Anderson: oh i really like that picture

Mr.Anderson: he looks like he’s drowning but he’s too proud to admit it

SH: Shut up, Anderson. -SH

SH:

Molly! :3: Oh my god that’s literally the same picture

G. Lestrade: Wow mate. That’s a look

Mr.Anderson: hahahahha wow

John: who’s side are you on???

Mr.Anderson: oh right

Sally from 'Cars': why do these pictures have the same energy?

SH: Because the subjects are displaying the same insincere expression of cheer. Really, Donovan, sometimes you’re too thick. -SH

Sally from 'Cars': ask me to dinner first jeez

Mr.Anderson: hehehe she is thicck

Sally from 'Cars': Shut up Phil

SH: Shut up, Anderson -SH

John: Shut up mate

G. Lestrade: Shut up Anderson.

Molly! :3: Hush!

Mr.Anderson: Wow okay

John: Last one but it’s too good: 

John:

G. Lestrade: Holy shit 

Sally from 'Cars': W o w 

Mr.Anderson: oh wow

Molly! :3: oh!

Molly! :3: right then

G. Lestrade: since i know he’s fine it’s still inordinately funny

Sally from 'Cars': yeah it is 

John: it does make me giggle like a schoolgirl 

John: I can’t name that expression 

Sally from 'Cars': its beyond words, youre right

G. Lestrade: I drew Sherlotter and Johnhog

Sally from 'Cars': pics or it didnt happen

G. Lestrade:

John: That’s… not bad, actually

G. Lestrade: Thank you

Molly! :3: im sobbing its so beautodiful im making it m yphone backgrougnd <3 <3 <3<3

Sally from 'Cars': You didn’t tell me you were an artist, boss

SH: Nothing about this conversation or that picture suggests that he is, Donovan -SH

John: Idk, I kind of want it framed

Mr.Anderson: Do you think I could commission an artist to draw Sherlotter and Johnhog?

John: Why? No one could do them justice better than greg

Molly! :3: Oh please commission someone

Molly! :3: I will give you all my money

G. Lestrade: Hang on, my daughter does commissions!

John: YES IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY

Mr.Anderson: E X C E L L E N T 

Sally from 'Cars': share share share share

SH: I’d advise you to think carefully about your next move, Lestrade. -SH

G. Lestrade: Christ

G. Lestrade: I’m really getting extorted by my sixteen year old

Sally from 'Cars': Well is she good at art?

G. Lestrade: Yeah

Sally from 'Cars': Pay the woman. It’s hard enough finding work with the wage gap

John: She’s right, Greg, you gotta do it. For women everywhere

John: There is no price on the right thing to do 

G. Lestrade: Fuck’s sake, fine

G. Lestrade: For women i guess

Molly! :3: for that swishy, swishy tail 

G. Lestrade: that too

Mr.Anderson: And the flappy flappy coat, don’t forget the flappy flappy coat that’s important 

SH: Retribution is coming. -SH

5:45pm

G. Lestrade:

Molly! :3: OH MY GOD

Chapter Text

How to care for your 🕺 Sherlock 

9:58am

SH:

SH:

SH: John investigating the Carl Powers case, circa 2016:

SH: Captain John H. Watson, Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers:

Mr.Anderson: Oh, relax, he was a doctor

SH: He had bad days -SH

G. Lestrade: Hahahahhahaha

Sally from 'Cars': hehe they’re even funnier when you caption them look

Sally from 'Cars': 

#jawn #bailmeoutofprisonjawn

#honestlysherlock

G. Lestrade: I should not be condoning this it’s a work day 

Mr.Anderson: look at his little hands tho 

Molly! :3: STOP I SHOULD BE DISSECTING THIS LIVER BUT NOW IM LAUGHING TOO HARD 

Mr.Anderson: Okay, new plan. The freak and his pet have an obscene amount of pictures of each other, clearly, not gonna ask, so im gonna send pictures of hedgehogs and otters and they need to find pictures to match

John: now hang on 

John: 1) not his pet, and he's not a freak

John: 2) i don't have that many 

John: and he definitely doesn't 

SH: Try me. -SH

G. Lestrade: yeah sherlock loves his pictures hes got thousands 

G. Lestrade: and theyre probably all john 

John: oh

Sally from 'Cars': hahahha god what a soap opera couple

John: you take that shit back rn

Mr.Anderson: let the games begin

Mr.Anderson:

SH: 

Sally from 'Cars': THAT WAS INSTANTANEOUS

G. Lestrade: shit he's fast

John: fuck did your fingers even touch the screen????

Molly! :3: LOOK AT HIS LITTLE TONGUE 

Sally from 'Cars': John said mlem

Mr.Anderson: 👁👅👁

G. Lestrade: aww, look at his starstruck little eyes. He’s on a date.

Molly! :3: too cute!!

John: it wasnt a date for fucks sake!!

Sally from 'Cars': HAHAHA IT WAS WITH THE FREAK WASNT IT

Mr.Anderson: course it was, who else does he look at like that 

John: Right, that's quite enough of that.

John: Give me one

Mr.Anderson:

G. Lestrade: Terrible quality 

Sally from 'Cars': Phil stalwartly defends his title as reigning disappointment 

Mr.Anderson: Shut up 

Molly! :3: John? You alright?

John: IM LOOKING ITNS HARD 

Sally from 'Cars': thats sad

G. Lestrade: Terrible showing

SH: The inevitable outcome, really. -SH

John: FOUNF

John: 

Sally from 'Cars': HAHAHA IT DOES FIT THO

G. Lestrade: Watson may take a minute, but he always pulls through

G. Lestrade: in equally terrible quality 

John: im dedicated what can i say 

Mr.Anderson: Holmes, think fast 

Mr.Anderson:

G. Lestrade:  Once again, terrible quality 

Sally from 'Cars': i think its on purpose this time 

John: to spite us?

Sally from 'Cars': yeah thats in character

SH:

Sally from 'Cars': shit that was insanely fast too 

Mr.Anderson: Chilling 

Sally from 'Cars': That one’s definitely terrible on purpose

SH: If the pictures aren’t of similar quality, they aren’t alike, are they? -SH

G. Lestrade: I had to lock my office because i’m giggling like a girl 

G. Lestrade: It’s the fact that he definitely edited it to make it of equally bad quality and still sent it in under a minute

G. Lestrade: Damn you Sherlock Holmes

Mr.Anderson: Okay but he’ll never get this one:

SH: 

G. Lestrade: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

G. Lestrade: WHEN 

G. Lestrade: WHY

G. Lestrade: HOW

Molly! :3: SO MANY QUESTIONS

Mr.Anderson: Please John was dying in the street and Sherlock was like 'lemme snap this'

Mr.Anderson: He clearly crouched down in the middle of the road to get that photo

Sally from 'Cars': Oh god that’s funny 

John: I don’t even remember that, when the fuck did that happen?

John: what am i doing??

John: fuck as soon as i sent that i felt his smug smirk

Sally from 'Cars': against yer skin?

John: What? No

Sally from 'Cars': Shame

G. Lestrade: What animal do you think Mycroft is, Sherlock?

SH: Sadly, no pictures exist of my brother, officially or unofficially. He systematically dismantles and destroys my phone whenever I attempt to ameliorate this. -SH

John: You really like photos, huh Sherlock?

John: Why didn’t I know this?

SH: While they offer a reduced image of less dimension than a physical examination, photographs have the advantage in that they do not move or change. One can study a photograph forever. It isn’t hiding anything. It is a moment immortalised just the way it happened, the way it will never happen again, and you can keep it even though it’s gone by in this reduced state. You are never proven right or wrong in your deductions about a photograph, even if you comb through it for days and weeks and years until you know every pixel like your own mind. It will never change its nature, never deceive you and never surrender to you. All you have is the still picture and every little detail of it, nothing more and nothing less.

G. Lestrade: That was beautiful but I scrolled up and saw the picture of John dead on the ground and snorted coffee everywhere

Sally from 'Cars': Shit

Mr.Anderson: BAHAHAHAHA

Molly! :3: im cryying but im laughing ? ??

🧣🐝Sher🕺lock 🐝🧣

10:42am

John: Sherlock

SH: John. -SH

John: Can I have a picture of you?

SH: You have many pictures of me, John. -SH

John: No, just, another one. Of what you’re doing now. 

John: Don’t pose or change or anything, just 

John: Set a timer and go back to whatever you were doing, yeah? Please.

SH: Very well. -SH

SH: But I would like one in exchange. -SH

John: I guess that’s fair. 

John: I’ll go first or I won’t want to do it after yours 

SH: Why wouldn’t you want to? -SH

John: Sod off, you bloody model 

John:

John: There

SH: Acceptable. -SH

John: You’re welcome 

SH: 

John: Figures you’re good at that too 

John: You and that purple bloody shirt

SH: You’re welcome. -SH

Chapter Text

How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

1:34pm

G. Lestrade: John for fucks sake will you teach him to make the tea he likes so he stops threatening regicide

John: regicide? Why regicide?

John : how regicide?

G. Lestrade: he’s gotten progressively creative 

SH: As usual, Giles, you’ve missed the point entirely. -SH

G. Lestrade: tell me, o insufferable one. What have I misunderstood

John: there’s no point in me telling him how Greg 

G. Lestrade: fucks sake, why not??

John: he won’t make it himself.

Mr.Anderson: ILL make it if it shuts him up 

SH: I don’t want your poison, slug -SH

Mr.Anderson: YOUVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS BLOODY TEA FOR SIX BLOODY HOURS

Sally from ‘Cars’: I’ll make his stupid tea

SH: No, you imbecile, it has to be John. -SH

Molly!! :3: I’ll make- oh

G. Lestrade: oh my god, really?

John: Sherlock, if I got a train back right now and walked straight into NSY and made you a cup of tea you wouldn’t drink it. 

SH: You don’t know that. -SH

John: I do.

SH: That’s not the point. I want you to make me tea, John. You always make tea but you haven’t for three days. -SH

John: I’ve been in Oxford!

Sally from ‘Cars’: Have you really? 

John: Yes??

G. Lestrade:  that doesn’t mean he went to Oxford, Donovan. 

SH: Technically it does. -SH

Sally from ‘Cars’: I know but it sure makes him sound specky

John: Why does no one believe that I’m a good bloody doctor?

Mr.Anderson: Because you wear combat boots and cream puff jumpers, mate

SH: 1) Ex-army doctor. 2)John. -SH

G. Lestrade: Is it weird that that makes sense to me?

Sally from ‘Cars’: ex-army?? I didn’t know???

Molly!! :3: !!! Me neither. Thank you for your service John!!!

SH: That’s Captain John Watson of Her Majesty’s Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers to you. -SH

Sally from ‘Cars’: cApTAiN??? ¿?¿ ?

G. Lestrade: why is this such a big deal to everyone

John: ^^???

Sally from ‘Cars’: cuz he’s short

Mr.Anderson: Ngl I was present one(1) time Watson went ape shit and I’ve tried to forget it every day since 

John: w h

G. Lestrade: what’s Ngl?

Sally from ‘Cars’: Jesus grampa

Molly!! :3: @G. Lestrade ‘not gonna lie’!!

G. Lestrade: Thank you. That’s all you had to say 

Molly!! :3: Np!

G. Lestrade: oh for fucks sake

Sally from ‘Cars’: lol

Sally from ‘Cars’: I mean I knew Watson was either a badass, dumb, or a closet freak to deal with freak #1 for this long and I don’t think he’s dumb 

John: I’m not a freak and neither is Sherlock.

Sally from ‘Cars’: not really helping your case bub 

SH: You must admit, John, we are… extraordinary. -SH

John: extraordinary is not the same as freaky. 

SH: We’re that too. -SH

John: We’re not!

SH: August 5th, 2018. -SH

John: oh.

John: hm.

John: okay, point 

Molly!! :3: ?????!!!!

Mr.Anderson: I have so many questions

G. Lestrade: what happened August 5th?

John: anyway Greg how’d the game go I didn’t catch it 

G. Lestrade: Uh… good

Mr.Anderson: HDHDHDHSBFYCKCKX PELASE

Sally from ‘Cars’: this is where we differ, Phil. You would give anything in this world to understand 1 freak 2 freak (red freak blue freak). I decided long ago that I never, ever want to know.

SH: Which is why you bore me, Donovan. -SH

Sally from ‘Cars’: Thank you.

Molly!! :3: I’m glad you two have found your peace. 

G. Lestrade: So is my therapist.

SH: Tell him he missed the latent trauma regarding your father my disregard for your authority has recently brought up. -SH

G. Lestrade: sigh

G. Lestrade: okay.

Chapter Text

How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

1:23am

John: it just occurred to me that we don’t have a king. 

🧣🐝Sher🕺🏻lock🐝🧣

1:26am

SH : [voicerecording.file]

-~o~-

John opens it. It’s a recording of Sherlock playing a lullaby on the violin. It’s familiar from the nights John had the worst nightmares, the ones that left him not wanting to go back to sleep but not wanting to stay awake either. Sherlock always knew. They never said anything, but Sherlock would play something soft that lilted down the hall and settled him without fail. The first time he played ‘Dream a Little Dream of Me’ John had almost cried while he laughed, because it was such a typical song. Something Sherlock would never play, not by choice. It was for John.

John feels his muscles soften with the first strain, a stupid smile pulling his face. His fingers move to type ‘how did you know’, but he ends up deleting it and just staring at the screen while the song plays. It’s beautiful. He’s missed it. No wonder he hasn’t been sleeping well.

John doesn’t have anything beautiful for Sherlock, so he just sends him a voice recording of him saying ‘thank you’. It’s as good a lullaby as John can return. 

-~o~-

How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

8:34am

Mr.Anderson: why were you up at 1:30 in the blooming morning 

Sherlock: 1:23* -SH

Mr.Anderson: and why were you thinking about our hypothetical king

John: well Sherlock threatened regicide. We don’t have a king. Who was he threatening to kill

Molly!! :3: kill??

Sally from ‘Cars’: gonna be real with you chief, no idea what regicide means 

SH: You are a disappointment to the human race, redeemed only by the fact that you are only it’s second most embarrassing member. -SH

Mr.Anderson: behind me, right? 

SH: Correct. -SH

SH: John, Grimes only said that I threatened regicide, not that I specified a particular country’s king. -SH

John: well. Could be anyone, then. 

John: Could even be Anderson.

Mr.Anderson: What? Why?

SH: Ah yes, king of mind-melting idiocy. Good catch, John. -SH

Mr.Anderson: there it is 

Mr.Anderson: hey fuck you 

SH: Come back, John. I have to explain everything to these fools. -SH

Sally from ‘Cars’: sometimes he calls me John and when he realizes I’m a mixed-race straight woman instead he deflates

Sally from ‘Cars’: it’s very funny

Mr.Anderson: my favourite is when he waits for John to finish his sentence or hand him something and no one does cuz we’re not fucking psychic and he looks up and remembers and does the facial equivalent of wailing

Molly!! :3: I think it’s adorable and you should all stop picking on him. You’ll scare him and he’ll stop doing it!!

Molly!! :3: Sherlock please keep coming to my lab to sulk!!

John: HAHAHA

SH: Funny, John? -SH

SH: Big talk for someone who turned down two job interviews and a date last night because they were ‘tired’ only to leave alone and stare at their chipped hotel room ceiling for seven and a half hours considering buying an early ticket home. -SH 

Molly!! :3: Awwww John!! 💖

John: I would say I told you that in confidence, but I didn’t tell you any of that 

John: Also, shut up 

Sally from ‘Cars’: damn so watson got game 

Sally from ‘Cars’: sorry, CAPTAIN Watson

Sally from ‘Cars’: I’m learning all sorts of things about our dear doctor this week

SH: Do you usually need people to give you a numbered list of their accolades before you assign them any value, or are you just feeling especially shallow today? -SH

G. Lestrade: HA

SH: I’ve never met someone so capable of rational independent thought who was simultaneously so dependent on the perceptions of others to inform their own as you, Donovan. It frequently boggles my mind that you, despite having every tool at your disposal to form your own reasonable opinion, let ignoramuses like Anderson infect your perfectly competent brain. You choose ignorance, and you are lesser for it. -SH

Mr.Anderson: HEY!

Lestrade: Woah 

Molly!! :3: oh my gosh…

Sally from ‘Cars’: so. A lot to unpack there

Sally from ‘Cars’: thank you?

Sally from ‘Cars’: Thank you.

John: Sherlock, well done. That was very good. 

Mr.Anderson: what????

SH: Was it? -SH

Mr.Anderson: NO!!!

John: It was. 

John: in fact, I think that was worthy of a night at Angelo’s when I get back. 

Mr.Anderson: DONT IGNORE ME 

SH: Will you give me my present then? -SH

John: How did you know I was

John: nevermind 

John: yes, you can have your present then.

John: you don’t know what it is, do you?

SH: …Admittedly no. -SH

John: brilliant. 

12:03pm

Sally from ‘Cars’: help

Mr.Anderson: you’re on your own, traitor

Molly!! :3: what’s up, Sergeant Donovan?

SH: Lestrade mistakenly gathered from our brief and only positive exchange that we would get along if he pushed it hard enough. He has sent us to ‘grab lunch’. We were each threatened, and so we are both still here. -SH

SH: It is horrible. -SH

SH: I will never be nice to you again. -SH

Sally from ‘Cars’: Seconded

John: How’s the pepper there, sherlock? 

SH: Barely passable. Two out of thirty-two. -SH

G. Lestrade: that is such a specific measurement 

SH: and it’s not even good pepper -SH

Sally from 'Cars': wait, what? 

Mr.Anderson: what were you measuring out of 32 if not the quality?

John: So many questions, for what?

Sally from ‘Cars’: [a picture of Sherlock pouring salt into the pepper shaker with laser focus.png]

Sally from ‘Cars’: It’s mental illness innit

Mr.Anderson: SALLY YOU HAVE MY WHOLE HEART FOREVER

Sally from 'Cars': keep it. I’ve seen it, and I’m not impressed

John: HAHAHAHAHAHA

John: Greg can I just ask

John: what possessed you

G. Lestrade: Desperation 

Sally from ‘Cars’: I’m not coming back to work 

Sally from ‘Cars’: watching this shitshow in person is rather mesmerizing 

Sally from ‘Cars’: he’s mumbling to himself about Kandahar??

John: Do you need a picture, Sherlock? 

SH: Don’t be stupid, I have all the information saved. A photograph from your phone would completely offset the hues. -SH

SH: I have a theory though. Honey. -SH

John: yes dear? 

SH: Honey. I need some honey. If I add honey to the mixture the result might be even more favourable. Get some honey. -SH

John: oh 

John: sure

Molly!! :3:

G. Lestrade: so

Mr.Anderson: are we just not gonna talk about that or 

Sally from ‘Cars’: screenshotted

John: I was joking, you understand that, right? 

Sally from ‘Cars’: mhmmm… sure

Molly!! :3: don’t be embarrassed John, I thought it was very cute! 😸

Mr.Anderson: so did I 😌

John: christs sake

G. Lestrade: mate I can’t help you here you walked into that one

John : sigh  

John: I know

Chapter Text

🧣🐝 Sherlock 🐝🧣

11:34am

SH: The human stomach can dissolve razor blades. Human stomach acid is typically 1.0 to 2.0 in terms of pH. The thickened back of a single-edged blade will dissolve after two hours of immersion in stomach acid. -SH

John: Sherlock did you eat a razor blade 

SH: Not recently, no, but if you were listening you’d know it wouldn’t matter. I thought you might be out of facts from the bowl by now. -SH

John: Oh, that’s thoughtful of you. I’ve been saving them, actually, split em up so I go through an even amount each day 

SH: Rationing. Good thinking, John. -SH

SH: Though you can always text me if you want more. -SH

John: Yeah? That bad, huh?

SH: Everyone sucks so badly John oh my god

SH: -SH

John: Pfffft 

John: if it makes you feel any better one of the academics from Wellers found out I’m a vet and now she talks to me real slow and quiet like a spooked rabbit and it takes her like 12 years to impart any actual information to me 

SH: Ugh. Correct her. -SH

John: Why bother? 

SH: You have more self respect than that. This is about self care. -SH

John: And what would you know about self care? 

John: She doesn’t matter. This place doesn’t matter. I don’t care what they think of me. This isn’t home. 

SH: I am unsure if that would classify as healthy or unhealthy. -SH

John: You’ve never cared for either. 

SH: True. 

SH: But I care for you. 

SH: -SH

John: Feeling sentimental, are we? 

John: Honestly, Sherlock, I find no point in manufacturing the enthusiasm required for that level of self-care when you aren’t in the picture. 

John: Guess I’m feeling sentimental too.

John: Anyway, it doesn’t mean I’m unhealthy. It just means I’ll be happy to come home. 

SH: Where things are easier and people matter. 

John: Exactly.

SH: Home is waiting for you. My present better be something good.

John: Oh, it’s good. 

SH: I’ll be the judge of that. 

John: Do you take pictures often? 

SH: When it’s warranted. 

John: You should share some, sometimes.

John: With me I mean

John: if you want.

SH: Hm.

SH: Maybe. 

Harry 🧡

6:45pm

Harry: I still don’t believe hou

John: WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT MY FLATMATE IS YOKED

Harry: There’s no fuckin way Johnny 

Harry: He’s too smart 

John: A man can’t be smart and buff? 

Harry: no he can’t 

John: I resent that 

Harry: you’re smart Johnny but you’re dumb 

Harry: his kinda smart does not a jacked chad make 

Harry: he’s a fucking academic 

John: He chased a cartel member off the roof of a train the other night. 

Harry: without you!??

John: no I was on speaker, obviously 

John: I don’t know why you’re arguing this I am his flatmate and I am telling you. He’s jacked

Harry: you’ve seen him shirtless? 

John: I’ve seen him naked!!

Harry: haha nice 

Harry: how’s his dick

John: No.

Harry: He trans? That’s cool 

John: You know that’s not what I meant you ducking menace

Harry: me what?

John: FUCKING  

John: FUCK uou 

Harry: sure buddy 

Harry: still not buff tho

John: I AM TELLING YOU HE IS 

Harry: Pics or it didn’t happen 

How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

6:55 pm

John: I DONT HAVE NAKED PICTURES OF MY BLOODY FLATMATE AND IF I DID I WOULDNT SEND THEM TO YOU, STOP ASKING 

Molly! :3: I DIDNTK ASK 

mr.anderson: BAHAHAHHA WH A T

Sally from Cars: p a r d o n ? 

SH: This is interesting. -SH

G. Lestrade: John…

Harry 🧡

6:57pm

John: [ screenshot.png ]

John: LOOK WHATT UO UFU CIIJF DID 

Harry: HAHAHAHAHA 

How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

6:58 pm

John: You know what? No 

John: I may have texted the wrong chat but I stand by that statement

G. Lestrade: uh yeah I should hope so 

Molly! :3: STILL NOT ASKING

mr.anderson: who were you fucking texting watson drop the @

SH: I’m curious as well. -SH

John: It’s nothing bad Sherlock my sister doesn’t believe you’re 

John: You know 

Molly! :3: JFFAKSKKSSKSSSSSHWSLSK

G. Lestrade: I am not listening to this conversation 

SH: Technically no, you’re not. -SH

mr.anderson: HAHAHAHA THIS KEEPS GETTING BETTER

Sally from Cars: So. From what I understand. Either A) Sherlock Holmes is hung like a horse. John knows this and refuses to prove it to his sister. Or B) John is lying to his sister about Sherlock Holmes being hung like a horse.

Molly! :3: PL DEAS E SNSNTOP P 

John: OH MY HOD NO 

John: NO ITS HIS MYSCLES 

John: I SONT KNOW WHAT HIS PENIS LOOKS LIKE 

SH: Yes you do, John. -SH

John: I’m coming home early just to wring your fucking neck

SH: Good luck reaching it. -SH

mr.anderson: IM IN FUCKING PEICES 

Sally from Cars: you’re so lucky my date stood me up because I just snorted zucchini out of my nose

mr.anderson: date!! D:

Sally from Cars: ye get over it lol

G. Lestrade: John I hate to ask

G. Lestrade: But what else could you have POSSIBLY meant by that 

John: HIS MUSCLES GREG 

John: HARRY DOESN’T BELIEVE HE’S JACKED 

mr.anderson: well at least we know she’s not blind, then

SH: Is that why you asked me to send you pictures of me, John? -SH

mr.Anderson: SAY WAHT

Molly! :3: I feelk faaint 

John: NOT NAKED ONES YOU CFUCKING BERK KD 

John: AND THOSE WERE FOR ME NOT HER 

Sally from Cars: Getting steadily gayer Watson 

mr.anderson: FUCKCING C HRISTT

John: NO NO LISTEN SHE JUST DOESNT BELIEBE HES BUFF THATS IT SERIOUSLY 

SH: She’s playing you, John. -SH

John: NO AHES JUST ATUPID AHERLOCK 

mr.anderson: she’s literally not though hes a fucking twig

Sally from Cars: Don’t be fooled by the twunk energy, he just dresses like that 

mr.anderson: what!!! Shut up, he’s not buff, are you serious??

G. Lestrade: Is he? 

John: YES 

Molly! :3: He dresses to hide it but he is solidly built!!

Molly! :3: i mean I think 

Molly! :3: not that I’m looking

Sally from Cars: pretty sure he’s yoked actually 

G. Lestrade: If John says so I believe it 

John: THANK YOU 

SH: Do I get a say in this? -SH

mr.anderson: no

John: sure 

mr.anderson: you’re not fucking yoked

Sally from Cars: whats the verdict, twunk? U beefed?

SH: Oh I don’t want a say, I was just curious if I would be granted one. -SH

Sally from Cars: Answers to twunk, check

SH: Why are you so heated about this, John? -SH

John: IMM NOT HEATED

John: She just didn’t believe me, said you were too smart to be strong or some dumb shit 

SH: Men can be strong and smart. -SH

SH: She’s your sister, she should know this. -SH

John: THNK YOU 

John: Oh

John: Thank you 

Sally from Cars: *gagging noises*

G. Lestrade: It’s hardly implausible for Sherlock to have some muscle. He’s at a much healthier weight now and a great deal of his job is physical. John makes sure he eats.

Sally from Cars: how do you not know this, phil? You’ve seen him take a perp down.

mr.anderson: I thought that was crackhead strength 

SH: Once again, Anderson, your at best limited and at worst nonexistent understanding of the nature of things that frequently crop up in your work is as baffling as it is horrifying. -SH

SH: John, if you would like photo evidence either way, you need only ask. -SH

John: I know what your body looks like Sherlock and I’m not showing my sister so we can compare notes 

SH: Well, just let me know if you change your mind. -SH

Molly! :3: That was so cordial 

SH: Certainly. It’s not an unreasonable request, and it’s coming from John. -SH

John: no it’s not, no requests, keep your abs in your shirt

mr.anderson : FUCK OFF HE DOESNT HAVE ABS 

SH: It must be exhausting being so insecure, and yet I still can’t imagine how you sleep at night. -SH

Sally from Cars: on the couch lol

mr.anderson: oh piss off!

🧣🐝 Sherlock 🐝🧣
7:56pm

SH: John.

John: Yea Sherlock

SH: Do you not want a photo today? 

John: What? Course I do, if you’ve got one.

SH: But I don’t have a shirt on. 

John: Oh

John: That’s fine 

SH: No. You said that made you uncomfortable. Which is it? 

John: I mostly said that because it was a group chat. You couldn’t do anything to make me uncomfortable at this point.

John: That was not a challenge 

John: Just 

John: It looks bad that I want to see you exactly how you are all the time 

SH: Not to me.

John: I know. 

SH: 

John: So that’s where my dog tags went.

John: you’re ridiculously good at the photos thing, you’ll have to teach me. Mine suck

SH: The framing and execution of photography is just as informative as the end result. Your pictures tell me more than enough. 

John: I’ll bet they do 

John: Wait

John: Sherlock 

John: Are those 

John: Are you holding a tab in each hand? 

SH: Dual-wielding cigarettes saves time.

John: N o 

Chapter Text

🧣🐝Sherlock🐝🧣

4:34pm

John: they’re onto us.

SH: What?

John: well if they didn’t think we were dating before, they do now.

SH: What would you consider ‘dating’? We might qualify. 

John: We’re not dating, Sherlock.

SH: Aren’t we? 

John: no??

John: what do you think dating is?

John: no, scratch that, how do you feel about me? 

SH: This is a trick question.

John: No, Sherlock, there’s a right answer and a wrong one but not for us. I’ll still be here no matter what you say. Just tell me how you feel. 

SH: Hm.

SH: I just want you to be here always. As long as you never leave me, I want you in any form you come in. 

SH: How does that quantify

John: I don’t know. I couldn’t leave you if I wanted to, though, and I don’t. I am with you forever at this point.

SH: I don’t want anyone else wasting your time and squandering your mental attention. No one would suit, John. I do wish you’d let go of these frivolous dates and whatever notion possesses you to pursue them. They never make you happy. 

John: No, Sherlock, you do that. 

John: I haven’t been going on dates recently. 

SH: No you haven’t. It’s been greatly preferable.

John: You wouldn’t mind, then? 

John: If we were 

John: That 

SH: We are that, John. Whatever you want to call it. 

John: I guess I am sort of yours. And I guess I’d like to think you’re mine, right?

SH: Before anything else. 

John: Right. 

John: Good.

John: Right.

John: Fine. Yes. That’s good. 

John: Good

SH: Bet you’re missing your tea now

John: s o  ba d

6:38pm

John: what about terms of endearment? 

SH: ‘John’ is a term of endearment. 

John: it’s not but when you put it like that it might be 

SH: Mm.

SH: We’ll see, John.

John: okay now I’m hearing it like that and it’s actually really sweet 

SH: My goal is to be unable to say your name, even in unrelated circumstances, without inspiring a flush in your face. You go all pink, John, it’s hilarious. 

John: I don’t!! Not when you say my name!

SH: Not every time. But you will now.

John: damn you

John: conniving little bastard 

SH: I’m a head taller than you.

John: ohh, big man, are we? 

SH: Quite. 

John: You’re horrible. 

SH: “ohh, big man, are we?”

John: I DIDNT MEAN FOR IT TO SOUND LIKE THAT 

SH: And yet it did. The subconscious is a powerful thing, John. 

John: I MNOTT 

John: AHU T UP

SH: Profound. You know what drew me to you first, John? Your way with words.

John: Y UR A COXK

SH: We’re back on the topic, then? Tsk tsk, you and your one track mind. Insatiable. 

John: yo unknow what ?? I AM worth self care and self care is muting yuo 

SH: Well now you’ve got yourself all hot and bothered, it makes sense you want to have some time alone with yourself. Tend to your self-care, John. Don’t let me keep you.

John: I hatte you

SH: I’m quaking in my boots 

John: you wouldn’t know boots if they kicked you in the ass. I would know, I have. With my boots

SH: Isn’t there something you should be tending to, John?

John: I’m starting to think you’re projecting, Sherl

SH: I do have some toes to defrost

SH: Talk later. 

John: mhm. 

How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

7:32pm

Molly! :3: Hi guys! 

Molly! :3: Um, this might be a silly question, but It’s really been bothering me since I’ve never heard the term ‘twunk’ before

Molly! :3: I looked it up but I don’t think I really get it 

Molly! :3: If anyone’s uncomfortable with the question you don’t have to answer and we can just pretend this never happened!!

G.Lestrade: Molly, please just ask. You’re scaring me

Sally from ‘Cars’: What POSSIBLE question could she be alluding to here 

Mr. Anderson: actually on the edge of my seat 

Molly! :3: Um, if Sherlock is a self-admitted ‘twunk’, what is John?

Sally from ‘Cars’: So glad you asked, Mollywobbles

Molly! :3: Molly what?

Sally from ‘Cars’: John is, first and foremost, vanilla. Plain, run of the mill, bread and butter stuff. But he does it well. John is the epitome of classic (or average, take your pick) in every aspect from his name down to his shampoo. If you’re into that sort of thing, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who does it better than him. 

Sally from ‘Cars’: He’s so traditionally cut that he’s sort of like the Superman of middle aged alcoholics. A strong muscley white man with a good helping of patriotism in him who’s done the whole ‘daddy sent me off to war’ thing and probably crushed it. Sense of duty and all that. How he landed Sherlock Holmes, of all people in this world, when by all rights he should’ve been destined for an equally vanilla white woman and two kids in the suburbs, will baffle scientists for centuries. It’s really quite amazing that he manages to maintain such staunch typicality in the face of constant exposure to Sherlock. That’s his strength of character. And in the end it doesn’t matter what kind of man you are, as long as you are that man with conviction. There is no doubt John is that

Sally from ‘Cars’: In summary: Not my type, but John is unequivocally a hunk. 

Molly! :3: Oh my! That is… quite an in-depth analysis, Sally! 

Sally from ‘Cars’: You asked

Mr. Anderson: I hate it here

G. Lestrade: I tried to stop reading that crock of shite two sentences in but I couldn’t look away

G. Lestrade: It was horrible, but sort of mesmerising

SH: Like a car crash? -SH

G. Lestrade: yes exactly 

SH: I concur. -SH

Sally from ‘Cars’: Haters gonna hate, but I’m not wrong

SH: You’re not, and you are. I’m pleased to see you scraping up proof of that brain of yours again, Detective, I thought it might have given out from misuse by now. And yet, you still grasp so little of the whole picture it’s adorable. -SH

SH: You’re like a little goldfish that’s memorised its bowl and thinks it knows the whole world by heart. -SH

SH: There is nothing typical about John. -SH

G. Lestrade: Don’t you start.

Sally from ‘Cars’: Let the man speak

SH: Approaching him at face value, he is indeed the picture of vanilla you paint him as. But if you look at an uncut diamond at face value, it’s a rock. John has more dimensions than any person I have ever known. He resembles less a man than a kaleidoscope. He is reflective. If he is a plain colour, it is because you have held him up to a blank canvas, as you dunderheads frequently do. But there are endless potential inputs in the world that you haven’t considered, all of which he will refract differently. John’s makeup will never actually change, but the fractals he makes of the input, the way one’s purported ‘light’ shines through him, will be different each and every time. -SH

G.Lestrade: Sounds like someone you could never get bored of.

SH: Quite. It is amazing what even the slightest shift in input does to the end result, and what, in turn, the end result does to John, and that is without even approaching the question of what John will do with it. Despite remaining stubbornly loyal to his foundations, John remains a well of endless fascination. Even if he likes to pretend he’s boring to the point of convincing himself, and by extension being genuinely boring. The man is his own greatest obstacle. He needs a range of input of real quality to remember that he isn’t the blank canvas you paint him into. -SH

SH: John’s muscles also equal his astounding conviction, so he would indeed classify as a hunk. -SH

Mr.Anderson: I know, in theory, that Watson’s jacked, but if i ever got confronted by the fact I don’t think I’d ever be the same

SH: Oh goody, let’s all get in a circle and braid our hair and talk about John’s muscles, what a superb use of the time we have left on this earth. Once again, Anderson, you prove yourself the shallowest girl at the sleepover, as well as the dumbest. -SH

SH: How can you not process information you already have? You KNOW John could bench press you. If you’d like, I will confirm that he could outmanoeuvre you in any arena, physical or mental, and still have time for tea. If you fought him, as you seem to be imagining you might, you would be snapped cleanly in two in less time than it takes to break a wishbone. I’ve seen him do it to better men. Now, you have that information, you KNOW all of this. Logically, you should understand all the consequences and implications of it. What are you missing? Why is that information not registering? -SH

Mr.Anderson: HES FIVE FOOT FUCK ALL

SH: You are the stupidest organism I’ve ever met and I hate you -SH

John: Just got out of the conference, my phones been blowing up?? What have I missed???

G. Lestrade: We lost the World Cup to France. 

John: FUCK

Chapter Text

🧣🐝 Sherlock 🐝🧣

9:36am

SH: Can we wait until March to tell anyone about our relationship?

John: sure, but why March? 

SH: that’s when Lestrade’s bet is on 

John: you know what

John: absolutely we can wait til march

John: I think it might be fun, actually, keeping it secret 

SH: It will hardly be a challenge. Scotland Yard’s finest are some of the most unobservant fools it’s possible to find.

John: we’ll see. I can be very hard to ignore, Sherlock.

SH: I know.

How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

11:21am

Mr. Anderson: JoooOOOooohn~

John: Oh god

Sally from ‘Cars’: the worst way to start a conversation

Mr. Anderson: I am so sick of everyone expecting the worst of me. I have honestly had enough of being the go-to punching bag when I’ve done nothing to anyone here but disagree with Sherlock. I am trying to open up a pleasant conversation with no ulterior motives, can I not do that here??

Sally from ‘Cars’: no

Molly!! :3: I’m sorry Phillip!!

Lestrade: Alright, alright, our bad. Out with it. 

Mr. Anderson: Thank you!

Mr. Anderson: Now John 

Mr. Anderson: Have you ever worked at an office?

John: w

John: you didn’t

Sally from ‘Cars’: and the other shoe drops

SH: Anderson what did you do -SH

Mr. Anderson: I fOUnd something

John: OH MY GOD

Molly!! :3: ???

SH: What are you talking about what have you found -SH

John: Anderson don’t you fucking dare

Mr. Anderson: It’s happening, John. Better a controlled descent.

John: Do i have to???

SH: You don’t have to do anything, Anderson knows better than to threaten you. Don’t you, Anderson? -SH

Mr. Anderson: I do not

John: its not 

John: ugh

John: you know what? This was gonna come out sooner or later.

Mr. Anderson: You wanna tell em, or should I?

Sally from ‘Cars’: I am on the >edge of my seat

Molly!! :3: John??

John: At one point in my life, I briefly worked for a paper company that was shooting a sort of documentary about office life at the time.

Lestrade: You what?

John: There is footage.

Mr. Anderson:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlFkHTNiycU  

Sally from ‘Cars’: HAHAHAHHAHA

John: GARRETH

John: Oh my god I miss him

Lestrade: He worked with you?? Where the hell did they find him?

John: The front lines of this great nation

Mr. Anderson: Really?

John: No

Lestrade: Wow mate. What a find

Mr. Anderson: It’s fucking hysterical but please don’t let it detract from that trim

Sally from ‘Cars’: What are you on about, it’s about two whole pixels in that video, howre you gonna comment on his trim

Molly!! :3: I can't believe that’s John!!

SH: I can. -SH

Mr. Anderson: So John, mate, a military man like you 

Sally from ‘Cars’: A soldier

Mr. Anderson: Could you give a man a lethal blow

John: This from a man who was just petitioning to be taken more seriously 

Mr. Anderson: It’s a serious question

Lestrade: I found one!!

Sally from ‘Cars’: WHAT 

Lestrade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZXfBmwALBE

John: HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE THAT GUY 

Sally from ‘Cars’: AHAHAHA ME TOO

Molly!! :3: You should laugh more, John, it’s lovely!! I never hear you laugh like that!

John: it’s not you molly it’s the depression

Molly!! :3: Oh

Sally from ‘Cars’: WATSON’S FUNNY YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS

SH: Do you still have that suit? -SH

John: No, it didn’t fit me after training

Mr. Anderson: Fuck you mean, you’re drowning in that thing?

John: I’m a lot bigger than I was. 

Sally from ‘Cars’: I thought you were supposed to lose weight in training, not gain it

John: Well how much use are you gonna be if you can’t carry your gear?

Sally from ‘Cars’: wait

Sally from ‘Cars’: YOU MEAN MUSCLE??

Sally from ‘Cars’: YOU GREW OUT OF THAT SUIT WITH JUST MUSCLE???

John: w

John: Yes???

Mr. Anderson: STOP

SH: I have tried to explain to them countless times that you are in capital shape, John, but it seems that if a person wears jumpers such a thing is inconceivable to the likes of Scotland Yard. -SH

John: Why are you running around talking about my muscles with the bloody muppet crew over here??

Mr. Anderson: WHY DO YOU HAVE MUSCLES

John: I WAS A SOLDIER

Lestrade: Plenty of vets with pot bellies, mate

SH: John IS a soldier, you dunces. He will always be a soldier. It’s who he is. -SH

Sally from ‘Cars’: short king, rise up

John: Anyway, Sherlock, why do you ask?

SH: No reason. -SH

John: Is that a real no reason or a reason no reason

SH: Don’t worry about it. -SH

Mr. Anderson: MORE I FOUND MORE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1PHpkdvNOs  

Sally from ‘Cars’: JOHN IS SO FUNNY WTF This is surreal

Molly!! :3: OMG the stapler!!! I can’t stop laughing

Mr. Anderson: He was just eating it out of the box

SH: Well executed, John. Very amusing. -SH

Lestrade: Did you really throw his stapler out the window?

John: Course I did, he was being a knob

John: Did you find the one with the dildo?

Mr. Anderson: the what

Mr. Anderson: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE ONE WITH THE DILDO

Lestrade: The one with- it’s an OFFICE!! 

SH: It’s John in an office, Lestrade. -SH

Lestrade: Oh and John’s particularly known for his dildoes is he? Why did you say that like it cleared everything up??

SH: Wherever John goes, he brings a delightful breath of chaos with him. It’s good to see that was always the case. -SH

Molly!! :3: aww.

John: I found it I found the dildo one

John: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOHf9uncBD0  

Mr. Anderson: My god you were down bad for blondie

SH: Which one? -SH

Molly!! :3: sjdjhjsdhjfjksjka sherlock

Sally from ‘Cars’ : no joke tho that was really slick watson

SH: He is indispensable on undercover operations. -SH

Lestrade: im mcry ing 

Lestrade: how is ur life like this

John: If you think you’ve even scratched the surface of my batshit insane life think again

John: sherlock is honestly the latest and greatest of a long and unbelievable list of things that have happened to me- although I will admit he’s been my favourite

Molly!! :3: AWW!!

Sally from ‘Cars’: cute

Mr. Anderson: Sally do you ship Gareth and John or Sherlock and John more

Sally from ‘Cars’: As usual you’re thinkin too small, phil. John has two hands. Any day now John’s long lost lover will return from the war to find John is with Sherlock now, and they will have to navigate a strange and passionate love triangle while dealing with their respective trauma

Mr. Anderson: Love it

Molly!! :3: That sounds like a book I’d read!

SH: Of course it does. -SH

Lestrade: Not to ruin the mood, but what do you mean ‘ship’

Molly!! :3: …Greg, maybe I’d better dm you for this one.

John: Godspeed, soldier.

Sally from ‘Cars’: She’s the bravest of us all

How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

12:32am

G. Lestrade: I ship Johnlock.

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How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

2:45pm

Sally from 'Cars' : I’m adding someone

mr anderson : ??

G. Lestrade : who

Sally from 'Cars' : guy I’m seeing. figured we should get the red flags out of the way before we waste each other’s time. This group chat is my biggest one. 

Molly!! :3 : That’s very brave. 

John : I was going to say masochistic. 

Sally from 'Cars' : tomato tomahto

Sally from 'Cars' added Ben Robinson 

John : …okay, it’s been forty seconds and Sherlock hasn’t listed this guy’s search history, so he must approve

Ben : hello

Ben : what does that mean

Molly!! :3 : it means you’re probably alright! 

Ben : um… thanks 

mr anderson : Sal and I talked so I guess you can stay 

Sally from 'Cars' : thank heavens. i can rest easy knowing mr Anderson from the matrix approves of the guy im seeing

John : you make a lot of film references, Sally 

Sally from 'Cars' : i like film. 

Ben : it’s why we hit it off, we’re movie buffs 

SH : Please, tell me more. Your over sharing in regards to your romantic life in no way makes me want to shove a pencil in my ear. -SH 

Lestrade : Aaaaaand there he is 

John: Sherlock, be nice. 

SH: What for? -SH

John: For me? 

SH: Hm, no. -SH

John: damn.

mr anderson : HAHHAHA EAT SHIT WATSON 

John: what did I ever do to you

Sally from 'Cars': ignore him. He feeds off of targeted bullying 

SH: Is that why you get along? -SH

Lestrade: this is actually perfect ive been meaning to try this 

John: Whats that, greg?

Lestrade: My daughter’s been obsessed with this thing called a ‘tag urself’

Lestrade: she insists it’s with a U not a you it’s urself

Molly!! :3: Oooooh i love these!!

Ben: sorry, would you be Detective Inspector Lestrade? Sally’s boss?

Lestrade: you’re about to find out arent ya 

John: was that meant to come out as ominous as it did

SH: Undoubtedly. He’s very protective of his own. I would watch my back, Ben Robinson.

mr anderson: Yeah!

John: Don’t ruin it, anderson.

Molly!! :3: Back on topic, tag urselfs (urselves?) are a great way to get to know people! Did your daughter send you one, Greg? 

Molly!! :3: Ooh, wait, she’s an artist! Did she MAKE one??

Lestrade: …not quite

mr anderson: what that mean chief

Sally from 'Cars': i am feeling threatened

Lestrade: shut up. She gave me her tablet 

Lestrade: fuckin a, i bought her the damn thing 

Lestrade: but i had to trade for it! She said i could have it for an hour if i bought her funions, can you believe??

Sally from 'Cars': Love that girl. She’s an entrepreneur 

Lestrade: she knows shes not allowed funions!! 

SH: you’re not going to lose custody of her over junk food, Geremy. 

John: noooo, greg, mate, you can’t give in!! You do it once, you’ve shown weakness, and she’ll prey on that in the future!

Ben: Do you have children too, John?

John: worse. i have a sherlock

Ben: The… the consulting detective? Sherlock Holmes?

mr anderson: coughFREAKcough

John: Call him that one more time, Anderson, see what fucking happens. 

Lestrade:

Lestrade: Oh, bad time?

Sally from 'Cars': Jesus Christ, what am i looking at

Molly!! :3: AWWW GREGFGHUDHFJDJS

Molly!! :3: THATS SO CUUTE@!!! <3 <3 <3

mr anderson: you couldnt have screenshotted it and sent it properly?

John: Can’t argue with any of that, honestly

John: great drawings, greg

Lestrade: thank you! I’m getting better!

SH: You are not. -SH

SH: What the hell does ‘deceptively fluffy’ mean? Am I a dog? -SH

John: sometimes i wonder

SH: Oh, please, you’re practically the human embodiment of a German Shepherd.

John: I thought I was a hedgehog?

Ben: I thought you were a bloke

SH: Don’t worry, Ben. We won’t leave you out.

John: Sherlock…

Sally from 'Cars': I sense danger

John: Whatever he’s about to say, I’m sorry, please don’t leave sally 

Ben: Why would I leave Sally over something Sherlock Holmes says?

SH:

Ben: Oh

John: Sherlock.

Sally from 'Cars': OI HOLMES 

Ben: How did you get that picture of me? How do you know this stuff??

mr anderson: It’s what he does.

Lestrade: Sorry mate

Ben <3

2:56pm

Sal: Alright, I knew this would happen. 

Ben: You knew I would get stalked???

Sal: …It is what he does 

Ben: Sal that

Ben: thats illegal, i think! And super fucked up, what the fuck?? I haven’t told anyone some of that shit, how could he know that?!

Sal: Like I said, it’s what he does. He sees everything. It’s insane, he just pulls information from thin air. He can tell what you ate by the scuffs on your shoes and shit like that. He’s genuinely that good

Sal: do you see what i meant now? 

Ben: duh!!

Sal: Look, Ben. You don’t have to stay. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t expect you to. That’s why I said I wasn’t looking for anything serious, because this is my life and I’m not going to change it, not for Sherlock Holmes, and not for you. I don’t even usually let people get this far. I added you to that chat because I need to know up front if you can’t take it, because… I don’t know. Maybe I really like you. I thought it might be worth a shot, with you. If you’re not up for it, tell me now. We can break it off, no hard feelings.

Ben: What?

Ben: No just

Ben: give me a second

Ben: I don’t want to stop seeing you, Sal, I really like you too

Ben: I kinda found it weird how much emphasis you put on the unconventional nature of your job before, but I get it now. And I wouldn’t ask you to change, either, this is your life

Ben: i know that 

Ben: and i can’t really say anything against it. I mean, he’s kinda right about me being nothing special. I have no direction. My life is boring. I’m boring. I can’t hold it against you that you’re not. 

Ben: If im being honest, i have no idea what youre doing with someone like me 

Sal: Woah, what’s with the sad sack shit? 

Ben: Haha, i know, I’m usually more confident

Ben: If youre gonna be honest with me though, i should be honest with you. And honestly, i know I’m not all that. But you kinda make me feel like I could be.

Sal: so we’re good?

Ben: We’re good. 

Sal: Do me one favour, Ben. 

Ben: what?

Sal: Don’t take his shit lying down. Don’t take my shit lying down. Don’t take anyone’s shit lying down. I’m not into doormats.

Sal: And for the record… I think you are all that.

Ben: Aww <3

Sal: Don’t push it.

How to care for your 🕺🏻Sherlock

3:48pm

Lestrade: That was almost sweet if it werent so mean

mr anderson: How in the FUCK was that sweet

SH: Yes, George, enlighten us. -SH

Lestrade: He was looking out for her, in his own insufferable way. weeding out the scrubs

SH: What have you been smoking? -SH

John: It’s ok sherl you don’t need to admit it 

mr anderson: CAN HE DO NOTHING WRONG

John: oh, dont get me wrong, im pissed

John: though she was sorta asking for it adding him to this chat

Molly!! :3: she must really like him.

Ben: I have it on good authority that she does

Molly!! :3: Ben!

John: Hey, mate. We didn’t scare you off?

Sally from 'Cars': not for lack of trying

SH: Right? God, what’s it going to take for you to ascertain that you’re not welcome here? -SH

Ben: i think you’re just mad that you look like an otter in a flappy coat.

John: HAHAHAHA

Lestrade: HAHAHAHHA

mr anderson: FJHDFHKSH OK HE CAN STAY

Sally from 'Cars': Ben?

Ben: ya?

Sally from 'Cars': that was hot.

mr anderson: Thin ice

Lestrade: I like him!

John: Fr tho. What kinda bollocks u gotta have to add him to this chat donovan 

John: seriously what were u thinking

Sally from 'Cars': not all of us can get away with bringing our dates to crime scenes

SH: John is crucial to the cases. -SH

Sally from 'Cars': he wasnt that first time when you rocked up with some PTSD-riddled invalid you pinched off the street to flirt with over a body

Ben: w h a t 

John: you found out i was a vet like a week ago, calm down

John: not all vets have ptsd

SH: You do though. -SH

John: shut up.

Sally from 'Cars': Nah nah nah, you cant tell me you dont have ptsd watson, the limp was psychosomatic wasnt it

SH: Very good, Donovan. -SH

Sally from 'Cars': you really think ur the only one with a brain huh

Lestrade: see she really is a good detective under all the snark and unsolicited cleopatra worship

Sally from 'Cars': she was a goddess among men

Ben: So what, I’m the only one who got the stalker treatment? I get stalked, and John gets access to crime scenes? how is that fair?

SH: John is superior to you in every conceivable way. -SH

John: believe me, u got the better deal

Ben: the body was that bad?

John: I was subject to a kidnapping, a car chase, and a whole ordeal with a serial killer that night. Shots were fired

Ben: WTF?!?!

mr anderson: ‘shots were fired’ stop tryna sound cool you weren’t even there for that it was an unidentified assailant

Sally from 'Cars': …wait

John: Donovan…

Sally from 'Cars': OH MY GODD

SH: Are you seriously only putting that together now? God, I’ll have to take back everything I said about you improving intellectually that is abysmal -SH

Lestrade: I will not be looking at the chat until the subject is changed for personal reasons

Molly!! :3: I’m just not even gonna ask

mr anderson: What the fuck is everyone talking about?

mr anderson: am I missing something???

SH: Always, Anderson. -SH

John: Always .

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