Chapter 1: uncrustable
Summary:
names:
spice - basil
aubs! - aubrey
kels! - kel
superhero - hero
sunny - sunny
morir- mari
Chapter Text
kels! added (5) to a group chat!
kels!: im pissed
superhero: Kel, shouldn't you be in class?
kels!: i got first lunch but that's beside the point
kels!: some bitch just came up to me and stole my uncrustable
spice: oh that is...um...unfortunate?
kels!: JT IS
kels!: now i'll STARVE and SUFFER
aubs!: just come to fifth lunch i'll get you food
kels!: idk if my bio teacher would let me
aubs!: kel you literally skip spanish everyday because, i quote, "i'm the best spanish speaker"
kels!: YEAH PUTA SÉ MÁS QUE EVERYONE IN THAT CLASE
aubs!: im gonna pretend i know what you just said and i say fuck you
superhero: "Yeah bitch I know more than everybody in that class"
aubs!: thank you hero
aubs!: but fr kel just come to fifth lunch
kels!: how about you get me lunch and then give it to me next period
aubs!: fine ill get you want another uncrustable
kels!: fank chu☹️🥺👉👈
aubs!: nvm starve bitch
kels!: NO PLEASE POR FAVOR LO SIENTO
superhero: Don't feed him after that...monstrosity
aubs!: understood
spice: where's mari? she said she'd help me with my geometry homework:(
morir: sorry! i'm here now!
superhero: YOUR NAME??
morir: kel said it meant "happiness" in spanish!
aubs!: LMFAO I GOOGLE TRANSLATED
aubs!: KELSEY DESOTO LMFAOOO
kels!: now listen
superhero: It...doesn't mean that. It means "to die"
morir: oh...
kels!: i need to keep the canon plot relevant okay
sunny: what
spice: ?
aubs!: stop breaking the 4th wall
kels!: stop being impulsive and dying your hair
aubs!: stop failing your english class
kels!: stop eating ponybeads
morir: hey, let's calm down!
morir: kel kel, could you change my name?
kels!: yeah yeah i'll do something cute
kels! changed (1) username!
hero's amor: thank you, kel!
spice: awwww! ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆
kels!: i am the best wingman
sunny: is it really "wingmaning" if they're already together?
kels!: shhhhh sunny d
Chapter 2: hispanic stereotypes
Summary:
names:
spice - basil
aubs! - aubrey
kels! - kel
superhero - hero
sunny - sunny
hero's amor - mari
Notes:
alr y'all before you attack me i'm latina my momma is from honduras and my dad is from venezuela
and im genderfluid
k? k :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
aubs!: hero is a fake hispanic
spice: ...elaborate??
aubs!: he hates spicy food. he can't handle it.
superhero: Aubrey
aubs!: UR A FAKE
superhero: I AM NOT
hero's amor: what's going on?
aubs!: ur boytoy is a fake hispanic
kels!: "BOY TOY" SOBBING
aubs!: AM I WRONG???
sunny: it's 11 pm. it's a school night.
hero's amor: sunny's right, we do have school tomorrow..
kels!: ughhhh mid terms are coming up gonna shoot myself
spice: PLEASE DON'T????
superhero: Kel do I need to watch over you again?
kels!: NO IM FINE I PROMKSE
kels!: back to the hero is a fake hispanic though
kels!: mans name is "hrnry"
aubs!: HORNY????
kels!: HENRY NOT HORNY
kels!: I DONT NEED TP KNOW THAG SHJT
hero's amor: should i be worried?
sunny: for kel's mental stability? yes.
kels!: ANYWAYS HIS NAME IS HENRY. THAT'S THE MOST WHITE SHIT I'VE HEARD.
superhero: Okay "Kelsey"
kels!: I CHOSE THAT MYSELF AT LEAST MOM AND DAD DIDN'T GIVE ME A WHITE ASS DEADNAME UNLIKE YOU AND SALLY
aubs!: you're the chosen one
aubs!: also i was so shocked when i found out kel was trans
aubs!: i was so convinced he was cis until one day during gym he raised his arms and i saw his binder and i was one shocked hoe
spice: oh yeah i remember that
kels!: YEAN PUTAAAA I PASS REAL WELL
sunny: you do pass, very well.
aubs!: ya do too, sunny boy
aubs!: i really thought all y'all are cis
sunny: thank you.
kels!: THANK YOUUUU
spice: thank you aubreyヾ(≧▽≦*)o
kels!: hero ur whitewashed
superhero: LEAVE ME AND MY SPICE TOLERANCE ALONE
kels!: I LOVE SPICY FOOS
kels!: i <3 hot fries y'all ever had those
hero's amor: i have! they're really good!
kels!: HOWS YOUR GIRLFRIEND MORE HISPANIC THAN YOU CRYING
superhero: STOP IT
kels!: bro im taking your hispanic card and giving it to mari
superhero: NO???
kels!: mari is now an honorary hjspanic congrats
Notes:
i <3 spicy food unlike hero
Chapter 3: rice cooker
Summary:
names:
spice - basil
aubs! - aubrey
kels! - kel
superhero - hero
sunny - sunny
hero's amor - mari
Notes:
🎵AND I LOVE YOU, EVANGÉLINEEEEE🎵
was this the answer to my other fanfic? yeah because i <3 the name and i <3 the princess and the frogalso i forgot how bad the ‘final duet’ hurt and now i’m in tears
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
sunny: mari @hero’s amor you need to come home right now.
kels!: OH SHIT WHAT’D SHE DOOOO
hero’s amor: of course, i’ll be home in 10. but, may i ask what happened, sunny?
sunny: i don’t know how to work the rice cooker and mom will be back in twenty minutes.
aubs!: oh shit have fun wit that
hero’s amor: …make that 5 minutes because i’m sprinting.
superhero: Please be careful, you quite literally damaged your leg permanently and you’re not supposed to do strategic activities
hero’s amor: awwww! i will be, hero! is somebody worried about meee~?
kels!: henry if you respond i will literally vomit in your next meal
spice: UM???
superhero: KEL WHAT
hero’s amor: KELSEY PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT???
aubs!: do it, i wanna see him suffer
superhero: Wow okay I love you too Aubrey
superhero: And yes, I am worried about you, you’re not the most…observant person when it comes to injury, Mari
spice: i think mari is sprinting so she can’t answer
aubs!: so who’s gonna plan the suzuki kids funeral because i sure as hell ain’t
spice: not it, i don’t have money
aubs!: @superhero @kels! y’all get your parents to start the funeral funding
kels!: on it
superhero: They’re not going to die???
aubs!: nah bro they mama terrifying when she’s upset
hero’s amor: the rice is in the cooker! we’ll just have to tell mom it wasn’t working for a little bit, no trouble!
aubs!: damn it nvm kel
kels!: i’ll keep the morgue on speed dial just incase
sunny: good idea, mom tends to get upset at such small things.
aubs!: L my mother doesn’t love me
hero’s amor: oh aubrey:(
aubs!: it’s okay because my dad got visitation rights soon so his ass is taking me out in a few days
superhero: That’s good!
hero’s amor: mhm!!
sunny: our father…
sunny: . never mind.
hero’s amor: hm? what about our father?
sunny: nothing, i’ll tell you later.
kels!: family drama✨
hero’s amor: oh! mom asked if you all wanted to come over for dinner? dinner tonight is kinda rushed and lazy, but we have a lot of it!
aubs!: ofc i love your mom i’ll be over in 15
kels!: hero and i are going cause mom and dad are out with sally
superhero: ^^
spice: of course! :)
Notes:
my sleep schedule is so fucked up oh my god
my finals and mid terms are next week
and to top it all off i have a dentist appointment
Chapter 4: strippers
Summary:
names:
spice - basil
aubs! - aubrey
kels! - kel
superhero - hero
sunny - sunny
hero's amor - mari
Notes:
i <3 the omori fandom because we can take dark humor and we’re not triggered by every little thing so i can write as i please
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
aubs!: i hired a stripper
superhero: WHAT
hero’s amor: you did WHAT???
kels!: it’s me i’m the stripper
spice: KEL??????
kels!: mom said i needed to get a job because i’m “15” and i’m “responsible” now
kels!: so i became a stripper
aubs!: my personal stripper
sunny: i feel it’s bad i can’t tell if this is satire or if kel is genuinely an underage male stripper.
superhero: I WOULD HOPE HE ISN’T????
hero’s amor: ignoring kel and his stripping business…
hero’s amor: thank you hero for getting me a stuffed animal! i love it so much!! <3
superhero: Of course, Mari<3
aubs!: that’s so cute what
aubs!: whore get me a stuffed animal
kels!: i’m broke aubergine
aubs!: THE FULL NAME IS CRAZY
aubs!: AND THAT’S WHY YOUR MAMAS A HOE
kels!: AT LEAST MY MOM PAYS HER WATER BILL
aubs!: AT LEAST MY DAD LOVES ME
kels!: mari can’t relate
hero’s amor: leave me and my crippling daddy issues alone :(
sunny: 😨
spice: did…sunny just use an emoji?
kels!: HOLY SHITTT
aubs!: WOOOOOOO
hero’s amor: i don’t see why this is such a big deal? he uses emojis with me all the time?
kels!: HE DOES??????
sunny: well, yeah. she’s my sister. plus, how else will she know how i’m feeling?
aubs!: WHATT
superhero: Wow
superhero: I mean, Kel uses hdhswjsidibf
spice: um?
aubs!: mari i think your boyfriend had an aneurism
kels!: henry desoto is no more☺️
hero’s amor: WHAT??
superhero: HE JUST THREW AN OPEN BOTTLE OF HOT SAUCE AT ME
kels!: YOU DAMN HISPANIC DRINK IT
superhero: NO WHAT??
aubs!: DRINK THE HOT SAUCE
sunny: do it.
hero’s amor: guys, let’s not encourage this!!!
superhero: THANK YOU HERMOSA
hero’s amor: …however it would be kind of funny to see him drink it
aubs!: YEAHHHHHH
superhero: WHAT NO
Notes:
i’ve fallen down the 90 day fiancé hole
Chapter 5: whip and nae nae
Summary:
names:
spice - basil
aubs! - aubrey
kels! - kel
superhero - hero
sunny - sunny
hero's amor - mari
Notes:
y’all i did course selections today and i’m doing childcare next year💪 senior year finna hit
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
superhero: Kel won’t stop doing the whip and nae nae
spice: WHAG
kels!: watch me whip watch me nae nae watch me whip whip watch me nae nae
aubs!: i’m going to beat you over the head
kels!: do i get to whip and nae nae as it happens
aubs!: or i’ll just stab you to death whichever is faster
kels!: …watch me whip watch me nae nae watch me whip whip watch me nae nae come on do it
hero’s amor: i’m pretty sure the guy who sang that is in prison
aubs!: HELP WHAT
hero’s amor: apparently he murdered his own cousin! how could you do that to one of your family members? :(
spice: yeah haha right…
spice: um can i say something?
aubs!: yeah what’s up bas?
spice: you all do realize basil isn’t a spice…right?
kels!: bullshit.
aubs!: NO WHAT IT IS???
superhero: They’re right, it’s not a spice
kels!: THEN WHAT IS IT??? LA JODER???
spice: basil is a herb, not a spice! it’s part of the mint family!
kels!: QUÉ MIERDA???
aubs!: i’ve been lied to.
sunny: mari has baby hands.
hero’s amor: sunny please i’m literally just relaxing😭 i thought you were over this :((
aubs!: HELP WHAT HAPPENED
sunny: mari ate the last ramen bowl mom got for us.
hero’s amor: I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE I’M SORRYYYY:((
sunny: mari used to eat leaves.
kels!: i know we did it together
spice: bonding!
hero’s amor: SUNNY NO
sunny: mari owns a pair of pink fluffy bunny socks.
kels!: sunny dude this blackmail sucks,,,
kels!: hero used to eat raw eggs.
aubs!: WHAT
superhero: KELSEY STOP
sunny: well mari doesn’t have anything that bad on her. besides her baby pictures…
hero’s amor: NO. DO NOT
aubs!: this was a great day
kels!: watch me whip watch me nae nae
Notes:
my goal is to update this at least 5 times a week
Chapter 6: hello kitty
Summary:
names:
spice - basil
aubs! - aubrey
kels! - kel
superhero - hero
sunny - sunny
hero's amor - mari
Notes:
if i were to write a future oneshot with heromari and their daughter,,,,would y’all read it👀
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
kels!: mom and dad are already talking about sally’s quinceañera
aubs!: ain’t she like two
kels!: YES LMFAO
spice: what’s a quinceañera?
kels!: it’s a celebration for latina/hispanic girls/afabs on/around their 15th birthday for like becoming a woman
kels!: idk i never had one but my cousins have and i’ve gone to em
superhero: The foods really good, though
superhero: Also, mom and dad started planning your quince when you were young, but then you came out and trans
kels!: WHY DO THEY PLAN SO EARLY
superhero: I don’t know, you know mom and dad though
kels!: that’s true…💀💀
kels!: mfs started planning thanksgiving this year last year💀💀
aubs!: HE,O ME WHAT
aubs!: also i <3 hello kitty
sunny: she’s a hello kitty girl. run, kel.
kels!: omg i love hello kitty too
sunny: alright, never mind then.
aubs!: omg let’s go find hello kitty shit at walmart
kels!: omg okay
spice: omg can you two shut up
Notes:
i remember my quince….eugh😰
Chapter 8: babies
Notes:
HOLY SHIT.
erm
my bad for randomly disappearing for almost a year????
i’ve been busy with work, i’ve had my own issues, and my 4 year anniversary with my bf is coming up😘
but yeah,,,,i’ll see if i can get back on my grind. idk. maybeeee.
Chapter Text
aubs!: kel got me pregnant
superhero: Excuse me?
sunny: how would that even….work?
aubs!: well when a man and a woman get fucked up
superhero: WHAT???
kels!: omg my baby momma
aubs!: my baby daddy
spice: i…wanna go home.
aubs!: bitch aren’t you already home
spice: i
spice: you know what yes. yes i am.
sunny: wait no i still want to know how that would even happen.
superhero: It could be a science baby?
superhero: Wait why am I encouraging this.
kels!: ew no wtf science babies are either ugly or dumb
aubs!: you must be a science baby cause you are both of those things!
kels!: i’ll slit my wrists!
superhero: Kel do we have to put you back on 24 hour watch
kels!: NO STOP I’LL BEHAVE PLEASE
hero’s amor: what’s happening?
kels!: aubrey is a slut
aubs!: KYS GO AWAY OH MY GOD
aubs!: all i said was kel got me pregnant and now i’m being called a slut by my own baby daddy bro it be your own
superhero: Aren’t you like…fourteen?
aubs!: **FIFTEEN and two months
kels!: why are u so young
aubs!: fuck off im literally a few months younger
kels!: ur 6 months younger than me😘
aubs!: and yet we’re in the same grade dipshit
kels!: stfu
sunny: wait so aubrey did kel and you have a baby…?
aubs!: this fucking idiot NO
kels!: i quite literally do not posses the right organs! and have no money for a science baby! because i’m fifteen!
sunny: damn all i asked was a simple question y’all hating on an asian boy for what
spice: excuse me what
Chapter 10: update?
Chapter Text
helloooo chat.
this is just a small update, but i'm going to say it flat out: i don't think i'll be writing or continue to be writing any longer.
this is because of numerous reasons, but the main being that i became a mother. i had a daughter last month, and ive been extremely busy since.
thank you so much for all the love that's been given to this book/my page🫶🏼
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