Chapter Text
It was snowing in the capital of the Clover Kingdom when Nozel Silva paced in his office, growing more frustrated and worried with each step. He didn’t know how this could be. How could a member of the royal family just disappear? There was nothing— no traces that would point at a kidnapping, but if that was the case, why would she run away with nothing but the clothes on her back?
(-he knew why, but it pained him to acknowledge his incompetency-)
He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself. Feeling tears prickling in his eyes, Nozel rubbed them away. Now was not the time.
‘I am sorry, mother. I have failed you, in the one thing that you asked of me. I am so, so sorry.’
There was a sudden knock on the thick door to his office. Nozel steeled himself, breathing in and pushing away any thoughts of his mother to the back of his mind. He could think about that later. After adjusting his clothes for any nonexistent imperfects, a habit of his, he called the person in. Nebra, in a violet evening gown and with a slight flush to her cheeks, presumably from a previous conversation with a friend, walked in with a fuming Solid in tow.
(-not Noelle, it was never Noelle-)
Inclining his head at their bows and curtsies, as was custom, he turned with his back to them, not wanting them to see the minute trembling of his hands, instead occupying himself with brushing them across the large, wooden desk that came with the title of the head of the prestigious Silva House. Something, anything to distract him from the gaping hole in his chest, the sheer terror eating away at him.
Nozel had to tell them. He had to, but he knew that his younger siblings would take one look at the situation and blame Noelle. That’s what they always did; and they would do it again, even if their youngest sister was in danger, in some unknown place. Nebra and Solid viewed Noelle as something that shouldn’t exist, a terrible replacement for their mother. With all his heart, Nozel hated to continue the lies about Noelle being the cause of Acier’s death, but it was for Noelle’s safety. It was for all of their safety.
(-and now look what that safety did? She hated it so much that she disappeared-)
Gathering the faint dregs of his courage, he addressed his siblings. “Nebra, Solid. This is a matter concerns only the Silva house, and one that you will not discuss with anyone, unless I give you explicit permission otherwise. Should you betray my trust, I will make sure to punish you accordingly. Do you understand?” Both of his siblings nodded. Nebra looked curious, but narrowed her gaze. Solid huffed like the petulant child he was. “I knew it! Everybody is fussing about something, but no one will tell me what! What happened, Brother Nozel? Also, where’s the failure? If you called us here, she should be here too! What a disgrace!” Taking in another deep breath, Nozel stared at the white puffs of snow contrasting the darkness outside, floating silently and moving past where he could no longer see. He didn’t want to say it. If he said it, it was real.
(-he didn’t want it to be real, because then he was to blame-)
“Noelle…is missing. The Magic Knights are still looking for any traces of her, but there is nothing left. A five-year-old child has no way of running away from the royal capital without being seen and leaving any traces of magic or footprints, so we have concluded that she was kidnapped. Because of this, the security has now been bolstered in the capital and there are multiple Magic Knight Squads searching for her-“
“So, it’s just the failure being pathetic again? I say we just leave it be.” Solid was glaring at him, while Nebra had paled, and in the dim lighting, she looked almost like a corpse. Nozel found it difficult to breathe. Solid continued. “Even if they do find her, the only thing that she will bring back with her is shame on our fami-“
There was a resounding slap that echoed through the room. Nebra had backed away as she watched Nozel grip Solid by his collar while he hissed at him. “She is your sister, Solid. I never want to hear those words or their likeness coming from your mouth ever again. Next time, I will not be so lenient.”
Solid shoved him away, glowering at Nozel. “She’s no sister of mine.” The words were spat like poison, and they ate at Nozel’s heart, almost as terribly as when their mother died. The young prince turned and stormed out of the room, leaving Nozel and Nebra in a tense silence. The silver-haired teenager had tears running down her face, not even trying to act dignified. “I- I-…” She ran out of the room as well, most likely following her younger brother. Nozel let her, resting his face in cold hands, a few of his own tears escaping as he sunk into the velvet lined chair behind his desk.
“…What have I done? I- Noelle, Noelle, I am sorry, I am sorry, I-“
And for the first time since his mother’s death, Nozel cried.
——
When Noelle woke up, it was cold. Really cold. She shivered in her thin nightgown as she looked around the room, seeing only inky blackness. This…wasn’t her room. How did she get here? She stood up and tried to walk in any direction, something making a clinking sound, but she felt a tugging on her foot as she got to another wall, and she fell back onto the freezing floor. The chains connected to the cuff around her ankle rattled. She tried to steady her breathing. “…Brother Nozel? Sister Nebra? Brother Solid? Is…this another joke? I…I don’t like this. It’s scary. Is someone here? Somebody, anybody!” The tears pooling in her eyes finally fell. “Someone, please help…” She curled into a ball, wiping off the water dripping down her face. It was so quiet; she didn’t like it. Usually, she liked the quiet.
(It meant there were no siblings to torment her.)
Here, she just felt alone. She wanted her favourite rabbit toy for some comfort, but then remembered that Solid had ripped it into pieces anyway. She didn’t want to cry. Her siblings said that proper royals did not cry, and the maids would always look at her with pity and disgust if she did. But proper royals like her siblings were not chained in a dark, cold room made of stone, all by themselves. There were no maids that would look at her.
So she cried anyway.
——
This time, when she woke up, it was to the sound of a metal door opening. Noelle looked up, hoping to see Nozel or Nebra or even Solid, coming to tell her that it was all a joke and that she could come out now. But the door screeched on its hinges as a short person came into the room, carrying a torch, and she felt something in her stomach swim uncomfortably. Where were her siblings? Noelle was scared. Was this the person who had taken her away from her room? Was this some sort of test that all royals had to go through? She’d never heard about anything like it. The person turned after locking the door, and Noelle felt something in the pit of her stomach fall, like a rock in water. The person...woman…terrified her. She didn’t know why. She didn’t look very scary— in fact she was a bit pretty. She had short black hair and a black eyepatch with a strange symbol on it. But her visible eye was red and full of a bright happiness that made Noelle want to curl inside herself. There was…something scary inside her. She could feel it. Whatever made her happy made Noelle really terrified. She tried to shuffle back across the stone floor when the woman stepped forward with a smirk, but the woman caught her chin.
“Ah-ah-ah, no can do. You’ll do as I say, now, hmm?” Noelle nodded shakily. The woman practically sang in her high-pitched voice. “Oooh, you’re going to be such a good toy! I’ll have fun breaking you!~” The woman suddenly leaned forward, her teeth bared in a mad grin. “Now, girly, what’s your name, hmm? I don’t remember what Acier-chan called you, but if I want to break you, I might as well use your name!~” Who was this Acier? Did Noelle know her? Noelle didn’t really understand what was happened, but she knew that if she didn’t do as she was told, then the scary woman would make her hurt. A lot. She didn’t want that.
“…N-Noelle…”
“Noelle-chan, hmm? Now, Noelle-chan, you will always answer me with ‘Lady Vanica’ or I’ll have to punish you for misbehaving. You got that, Noelle-chan?~”
“Y-yes, Lady Vanica.”
Vanica squealed, clapping her hands. “Oh, you learn quickly! That’s good, that means that I won’t have to punish you much! Now, let’s explain some things, shall we?~”
Noelle shivered. Vanica seemed to take that as a yes. “First, you now belong to me. You’re my toy. You will not ask any questions, and you will not speak unless I specifically ask you. You will do exactly what I tell you to do. Understand, Noelle-chan?~” Noelle nodded, trembling, but she suddenly had to bite her lip from yelping in pain. “I asked, do you understand, Noelle-chan?” Vanica’s voice and face were as cold as ice. Carefully not moving her face much, Noelle answered. “Y-yes, Lady Vanica.” The claw that had somehow grown from Vanica’s finger moved away from Noelle’s bloody cheek. Was it magic? She already didn’t like it. “Good! Now, that’s finished, I’m going to go for the day! I’ll check in with you tomorrow, Noelle-chan!~”
Noelle was tossed a thin blanket and a small slice of bread, and the torch was grabbed by Vanica on her way out, leaving Noelle to curl up again in the dark. Wrapping herself in it carefully, she bit her lip to stop it from trembling. She couldn’t stop the tears, though, no matter how much she brushed the salty water away.
——
She lost track of time. She had no idea if it had been months or years. There was no way to tell how days passed when she was in a stone room with no window, and Vanica came randomly. Noelle quickly grew used to Vanica’s abrupt entrances. She grew used to seeing and feeling Vanica’s Blood Magic. She grew used to wiping away her useless tears. She grew used to guards sometimes tossing her food. She grew used to seeing her own blood on her skin, always shrinking clothes, and blanket. She grew used to the smell of the bucket in the corner. She grew used to being cold and hungry, with only bread to eat and a small bottle to drink water from. She grew used to feeling a shiver go down her spine whenever Vanica was in the room.
She had grown used to the fact that no one would come and save her, like in the stories that she didn’t remember reading, but still remembered knowing.
(It still hurt.)
——
Sometimes, Vanica would enter in a terrible mood. She would bring a whip, and she would thrash Noelle until she screamed.
(It never took long.)
Sometimes, Noelle would drift off during Vanica’s playtime. She saw people. She didn’t remember who they were. She only remembered Vanica now. Only Vanica and the cold room where she screamed and cried and bled and slept.
She saw a tall man with long hair and purple eyes. He had feathers on his clothes. He would look down at her like she was worthless.
(Maybe she was.)
She saw a little, clumsy girl with orange hair. She had bright green eyes. She brought Noelle comfort. She looked at her kindly.
(She didn’t deserve anyone like her.)
She saw a beautiful woman with silver hair tied into a ponytail. Her eyes were filled with tears even as she smiled.
(No one looked at her that way anymore.)
But in the end, she would wake up, and she would only remember Vanica.
Vanica, who cooed at her while she cut into Noelle’s skin.
Vanica, who raged and beat her when she was not good enough.
Vanica, who had a monster underneath her happy mask.
Vanica, who was gleeful when Noelle suffered.
Vanica, who made her into a doll that she could break and rip.
(Like her rabbit was.)
It hurt, but Noelle knew not to say that. She knew that it would only be worse.
(-it would only hurt more-)
So, she kept quiet.
——
She was huddled in her blanket, as far as she could from the bucket, when Vanica came in. She dropped the small sphere of water she had created, but not quick enough. Vanica had seen. There was just the slightest bit of shock on her face, but it slowly changed into a blank look. Noelle knew what that meant. The blank look meant that Vanica was really angry. Noelle made sure that her face was not showing how scared she was, and tried to shift closer to the wall, though she knew it was useless. Vanica said not to play with magic. She had said!
“Hey Noelle-chan, whatcha doing there?” The words were sung, but Vanica’s voice was icy. Noelle flinched, wincing at the burn of a cut on her arm against the stone wall.
“I-I- It w-wasn’t-“
Vanica grabbed a fistful of Noelle’s dirty, matted hair. Her voice was a hissed whisper. “I asked you, what were you doing, Noelle-chan, hmm?”
“M-ma-magic, L-Lady Vanica.”
“And what did I tell you about magic, Noelle-chan?”
“N-not to u-use it, Lady V-Vanica.”
Vanica’s voice slithered over her, the woman’s remaining red eye alight in rage. “So why were you doing magic, hmm, Noelle-chan?”
“I-it was just an a-accident, L-Lady Vanica. I didn’t mean to, I-“
She was thrown headfirst into the wall, and she yelped. Her ears rung and her head felt like it was about to explode. She was grabbed by the hair again, and this time, she was lifted off the ground. She knew not to struggle, because that would rip out more hair and Vanica would get mad, but it hurt it hurt it hurt. Vanica seethed. “Just an accident? That was no accident. You didn’t listen to me. And for that, you will be punished, Noelle-chan.” She saw a flash of red coming towards her face, and she ducked her head. The claw completely cut through her hair, and she fell to the ground in a bruised and bleeding heap, still dizzy from the hit against the wall, her head burning like the fire that Vanica sometimes made her play with. Her dirty, silver locks fluttered down around her. Noelle gulped. Vanica crouched down, claws trailing the lines of Noelle’s face. She could feel blood dripping from the cuts. When she didn’t move, Vanica snarled, her visible eye narrowed. Then, she smiled, and Noelle blanched. This was the terrible smile. The one that Vanica had when she talked about the things she loved doing.
“Turn around, Noelle-chan. And take off your shirt.”
Noelle did as she ordered, hands shaking, though she didn’t dare fidget. Vanica thought for a minute, then slowly started carving into the flesh of Noelle’s back. She did it slowly, so everything burned, and Noelle hurt so much she wanted to scream and cry. But she didn’t. She bit her lip so hard it bled all over her chin instead. She couldn’t cry while Vanica was here. Vanica continued cutting into her back, humming a cheerful tune, ignoring Noelle’s whimpers and trembling. After what felt like an eternity in agony, Vanica finally finished what she was doing, giggling. She leaned down to whisper to Noelle with a smile.
“Hey, Noelle-chan, next time, I won’t be so nice. So make sure that there isn’t a next time. Got it?~”
Noelle nodded, and for once, that was enough for Vanica.
She was left alone once more when Vanica left the cold room, torch in hand. She already knew that she wouldn’t receive any food for several days now. She had really messed up. She didn’t want to do anything that made Vanica pleased, but she knew that she would survive if she did as she was told.
And the worst thing was that Vanica never hurt her too much. Vanica would not let her die. She was her plaything, so she couldn’t die, because then who would Vanica play with, hmm, Noelle-chan?~
Sometimes she wished she was dead.
(-it would be a lot easier than living-)
But Noelle carefully shuffled over to her blanket and lay on her side, taking care not to touch her back to anything. It hurt less that way. Only after that did she allow herself to shed her stupid tears.
——
She had a dream, that night, of a boy and a girl that looked a bit like her. They towered over her, laughing in the same way that Vanica did. Shadow hands grabbed at her, pulling her down, down, down into the dark; but when she finally fell down, she landed in a pool of blood.
When she looked down at her wet, red hands in panic, she saw a face smiling at her from the blood, teeth bared in a snarl. She stumbled back with a yelp, only to trip and fall into the pool. The shadow hands grabbed at her, tugging and pulling and ignoring her whimpers. She tried to get up, tried to get them off her, but she kept sinking lower and lower, and suddenly she was drowning, submerged in thick, stinging liquid. She tried to breathe and reach out, but she-
Waking up with a gasp, she curled into herself further, breathing in fresh air. Her body trembled, sweat making her clothes stick. She breathed and breathed and made sure that she didn’t cry.
She didn’t remember anything the next day.
——
Sometimes, when she sat tracing old scars, Noelle would whisper to herself that she was fine. She was used to it now. She was used to it.
(If she lied to herself, maybe someday she’d believe it.)
——
One day, someone other than Vanica entered the room. They were tall, wearing a dark hood and cape, shadows curling around them comfortably. They looked different from Vanica, but there was still something about them that was similar; maybe it was something about their presence. She flinched as they came closer, huddling against the wall, familiar with each individual stone’s shape against her back. They paused, which was strange. Vanica never did that. Did normal people just…stop? Why would the person in front of her do that?
But suddenly she felt them right in front of her, so fast that she couldn’t see them move, and then Noelle knew nothing for a time.
——
She was dreaming. She knew that there was no way that she wasn’t dreaming. She was…clean; wearing soft clothes and wrapped in warm, fluffy blankets that made her feel like…like something, but she couldn’t describe it, and there was something underneath her that made her think of a cloud. But that was silly. Why would she be on a cloud?
…She didn’t remember what a cloudy sky looked like.
It was that thought that made her unravel out of her cocoon, wondering where the dream would take her next. This was the nicest dream she’d had in a while, so she wanted it to last. Slowly opening her eyes, she sighed as she touched the wonderful, brown fabric covering her. She wondered at the clean bandages covering her skin- since when had she ever gotten anything clean? Even her head felt lighter, and when she lifted a hand, she found her hair clean and short, only brushing her jaw instead of her shoulders. It felt so real she felt tears spring to her eyes. It was so nice.
She changed her mind; she didn’t want to stay in this dream. It would just make her cry harder when she woke up back in the room, knowing that she would never have anything but her stained and ripped clothes and worn, small blanket. Wiping at her watering eyes, she admired at the detail of the dream. She could feel her twin scars, each of them running down from below her eyes to her jaw in straight lines. She remembered that those had taken a while to heal, because her tears had kept making the pain flare when they flowed down the wounds. It was very realistic, and Noelle didn’t know whether that relieved her or scared her.
And then, a pretty lady that Noelle had never seen before came into the small room, carrying a steaming bowl of something that smelled really nice. She gently placed the bowl on a- a table? Yes, a table. Sitting down on a wooden stool beside the fabric pile Noelle was on, the woman turned to her, and her eyes widened when she saw Noelle was awake. Noelle flinched when the pretty lady reached out to her, but just like the shadow figure that she had seen in another dream, she stopped, and moved her hand back to rest in her lap. So…was that normal? Or was it just another thing she made up in her head? It wasn’t like she could see real people, other than Vanica. The guards that sometimes gave her food never stayed for long, so she didn’t know about them.
Noelle pushed the thought away, focusing on the dream. Right now, she was in a small room made of dark, brown wood. There was a lamp, if she remembered right, light flickering every so often. There was even this really pretty fabric in the shape of a rectangle on the ground. Was it for sleeping on? It looked comfy. Noelle shook her head, growing more and more worried as the dream didn’t move on or change. She didn’t want to stay in a room full of nice things, only to wake up by herself, with almost nothing.
(-it only made it worse to think of nicer things she’d never have-)
“I see you’re awake, now. How do you feel?”
Noelle quickly turned her head towards the pretty lady, thinking of how beautiful her voice was, then scrunched her brows. She wasn’t awake, she was dreaming, wasn’t she?
…Wasn’t she?
She shook her head lightly. It was a dream. A dream, so she could play along all with the pretty lady she wanted.
“…It’s comfy.”
The pretty lady smiled, but it wasn’t like Vanica’s. It- it was so soft, if that could describe it. Noelle didn’t feel like it did, but then again, she didn’t know a lot of words. “Well, that’s good. I brought some soup for you, in case you were hungry.”
She was always hungry, but that never got her anything from Vanica. And she couldn’t eat in a dream, that was impossible. So even as her stomach clenched in hunger, Noelle shook her head. The pretty lady looked disappointed, but didn’t argue. Her blue eyes were the prettiest colour Noelle had ever seen, but that was a strange thing to say. At least she thought. Who are you? Noelle opened her mouth to ask, but each time, the words got stuck in her throat. It was a dream, only a dream, she reminded herself. She could go along with it or get trapped in it. That was how all her dreams went. Clenching her hands into fists, she straightened up, ignoring the part of her that cried to curl back into the blankets.
“Who are you?”
The pretty lady’s eyes sparkled, and her smile grew wider and…warmer. It filled Noelle with a bubbly feeling.
“My name is Ciel.”