Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Merlin woke up against warm cushions in a strange room. Arthur was blocking the exit. His legs couldn't move. The room he was in was draining his magic. The room he was in was draining his magic. He panicked, just barley resting the urge to flail his arms around wildly. No one could know he even had magic to be drained. 

"Breathe", he heard a familiar voice say. "In and out, yes, like that. You can relax. You're not in danger. It's me, Arthur. I know this is a bit sudden, but nothing bad has happened. It's just me."

"Easy for you to say", Merlin bit out. Carelessly, not that he had the energy to care anymore. 

Arthur sighed. "Merlin, which specific part of the room is making you uncomfortable. I can make adjustments."

"Or you could let me leave", Merlin challenged him. He'd need Arthur to help him up, since his legs weren't cooperating, but one thing at a time. 

"I'm not keeping you here as a punishment, Merlin", Arthur said, thereby confirming he was confining Merlin to the room. "I have reason to believe you are a danger to yourself and I'm trying to keep anything bad from happening as a result of that." 

Merlin was tired, and had a headache, and wasn't really in a mood to make sense of the conversation. 

"Water", he managed to choke out. "Please." 

Merlin didn't expect Arthur to make his way towards him and then push the glass to his lips himself, but he'd question that later. He drank, and, after a moment he felt ready to deal with the current situation. 

Arthur moved back in front of the doorway as soon as he could. 

"I don't understand what's going on, Arthur", he admitted. 

Arthur put his arms on the table and leaned forward. 

"I'm worried", he began, "that you're going to"..

He swallowed, deeply uncomfortable by the conversation, then moved on. "..that you're going to kill yourself"

Merlin took note of the room with fresh eyes. The cushions, the fact Arthur didn't let him drink his own water, the absence of his neck scarf, the absence of any kind of sharp object in an otherwise well furnished space- he wouldn't be surprised if Arthur had taken away anything that he could choke on if he tried as well. 

"You've been thorough", he noted. "I'm impressed." 

"Do you need anything", Arthur asked. "Aside from leaving, I mean?"

Faint memories were returning. Mordred's arrival, the panicked certainly that no matter who's fault it would end up being, all he'd hoped for would come crashing down. 

Arthur would die. He die. Mordred would die. 

There was no way Mordred's arrival was a coincidence. 

It was an omen. None of there stories would get a happy ending. That, that was the future Mordred's arrival signified. 

He remembered that single, so very final moment where he'd decided to just give up on his destiny. It was such a relief when that decision was finally made. He'd hoped so much, worked so hard, carried so many burdens with him, and now that the hope was finally gone, the burdens were gone too. 

He remembered the decision to prepare for his death, because even nothing would truly be resolved before he died, he needed Arthur and the others to at least know all he'd done, the good and the bad. There was no way he was going to leave the task of explaining for Gaius.

He'd apperantly not been subtle enough about the prepare for his death part. That explained somethings, but he'd basically written down a confession of all his crimes, the things that shouldn't be crimes, like the magic, and the horrible decisions that had held him back from telling the truth sooner for fear he'd have to talk about those, too. He'd as good as signed his own death sentence. 

"How much do you know?", he asked. 

"I've read your goodbye", Arthur answered. "The whole thing. No one else knows about the magic. I told the others I found you passed out in the hallway, clutching a suicide note. They don't know anything more than that. " 

So, Arthur had put him in this room on purpose. Arthur knew about the magic. 

"Who's 'others'?", He asked. One thing at a time, he told himself. One thing at a time. 

"The knights of the round table. Guinevere. "

"Mordred?"

Arthur shook his head. "You obviously wouldn't want him to know. I am trying to respect your whishes here, even if I refuse to prioritize them over your safety." 

Merlin frowned, mind still a bit hazy. Arthur was trying very hard to keep him alive. After he confessed to several- several crimes that would normally be met with an execution. 

"What's... What's going to happen to me.... 

I have magic... You're... You should be upset about that."

"I am", Arthur said plainly. "But you're in no way ready for that conversation in your current state." 

"Please, sire",he begged. "What is going to happen to me?"

"I haven't decided yet", Arthur admitted. "But you will not be executed, and I am not going to let you die."

They sat in silence for a while, and then Arthur asked:

"How are your legs?" 

Huh, Arthur knew about that 

"I can move them again", Merlin said. "A bit." 

Moments later, he was in chains. Arthur didn't want him to be able to move his legs, apparently. 

"You can be suprisingly creative, and I cannot afford to have you leave the confines of this room", Arthur said apologetically. 

"I would use Gaius' muscle numbing salve again to spare you the discomfort, but he does need it for his patients." 

Ah. That's what that was. "Then why didn't you do this right away?", Merlin asked. 

"I could at least spare you from waking up like that", Arthur said. "Besides, if I'd found out about your magic and then immediately chained you, it would have sent rather the wrong message. Sorry if the magic draining effect of this place is uncomfortable, but it was the safest why I could think of to keep your powers in check."

"That's the least safe way of doing it, you idiot", Merlin couldn't help but reply. 

"I meant safest for you", Arthur said simply, then left , leaving Merlin alone with his thoughts. 

Chapter Text

When Gwen entered, Merlin bowed his head. "My queen"

Gwen, unlike Arthur, didn't bother keeping her distance, and made her way over to him immediately, putting a hand on his arm. "I'm your friend, Merlin", she said. "I may be friends with a queen, but that doesn't make her less of one", Merlin said lightly. Gwen smiled. "Your support has been an invaluable part of that.I'd hate to lose it." Merlin glared at her. "I know what you're doing" Her smile turned playful, and remind him of old times. "Is it working",she asked. Merlin sighed. "You don't know the things I've done, Gwen" She cut him off. "Arthur told me you would try to convince me you deserved an execution." 

"Traitor", Merlin mumbled. Gwen's happy façade faded just a little. "Why? Because you think you deserve it?"

Merlin didn't respond. Gwen didn't leave. 

"You'll need someone to tend to you" she said eventually. "Bring you food and help you dress and all that." 

"So, what, is Arthur going to spring George on me?", Merlin asked.  

To his suprise, Gwen said yes. 

"My husband has instructed him to go easy on the brass jokes", she added. 

That meant he'd be watched day in out. It worried him. He wouldn't be able to talk about his magic with anyone, perhaps not even Arthur. 

"Thank you for visiting, Gwen", he said. Gwen seemed to take that as her que to leave. 

"Wait!", he said. "Tell Arthur I want to speak with Mordred." 

"I thought you hated him", Gwen said, puzzled.

"I do", Merlin replied. "He reminds me of myself." 

The Queens face fell. "I'll make sure to tell Arthur of your request", she said. 

Merlin shot her a greatfull look. 

"Night, Merlin. Please stay alive" Gwen said, and then she left. 

For the second time, Merlin was alone. He cried. "Please" he begged to the empty air. "Please just let me die"

Chapter Text

When Mordred arrived, Merlin found himself at a loss for what to start with, a million different explanations swatted away be the fact his tongue felt stuck at the roof at his mouth. 

"Why", he asked eventually. "Why did you, did any of you, think I could do this." 

Mordred interrupted him. "The prophecy-" 

"There's a prophecy where I fail ", Merlin said harshly. "What about that prophecy? Why, for fucks sake - Mordred's face grew in horror as he added in some other swears, the kind you learned after dealing with soldiers on a somewhat regular basis- did you think I could just wave my hands and everything about Uther's purge would resolve itself?" 

"My magic may be strong, but there's no magic that can do that" he added, shrill and hysterical. 

"Why?"

"Why in the name of all that is holy was I your people's only plan? Most of what I have achieved could have been done by anyone if they'd just bothered to fucking try"

To his credit, Mordred seriously thought it over for a while. 

"I don't know why", he had to admit eventually. "I never felt it was my place to question what I was taught. But in hindsight..." 

He paused for a moment, then dipped his head. "You are right, my lord. People have asked far too much of you, I can see that. So instead of asking for yet more, I will say this: if you need anything, if there's anything I can do to make destiny less of a burden, ask for it. "

If he was feeling less tried and cynical Merlin might have appreciated the show off support and left it at that. He was feeling very tired and cynical, however, so he decided to test the words. It might turn out moderately helpful, if he was lucky. 

"I need you to tell Arthur about your magic", he said flatly. 

"Arthur won't talk about mine, because apparently I'm to fragile for that conversation."

He scoffed at himself. "Asshole is right about that this time, too"

Mordred nodded. "I can do that, my lord." He hesitated. "Do you need me to stay here, or?" 

"Stay", Merlin begged, surprised by his own answer. "Until George gets here. I'd hate to be alone." 

Mordred didn't seem to understand what was up with George, but thankfully didn't ask. 

"Would you like me to..", he said hesitantly. "my people do have legends that aren't about Emrys, you know. " 

Merlin waved a hand. "I wouldn't mind a story", he said. He was so, so tired. The idea of just sitting here, not needing to do anything, was blissful. 

And thankfully, the reality held up, an for the first time in years, he peacefully fell asleep. 

Chapter Text

"Oh",Merlin said, relaxing in the cushions instead of sitting in rapt attention like he had been. "I thought you were Gaius"

"I can understand why you'd think that", Leon said. "But he's not a mindhealer, you know" 

Merlin scowled. "And you are?"

To his suprise, Leon smiled and nodded. 

"We all go through a lot", he said. "You included, even though no one intended for you to be right in the middle of danger. This kind of situation is awful, but not completely unexpected." 

"I want to get better", Merlin said. It was kind of new feeling. "You all would be really upset anything happened to me. I didn't.. you didn't make it obvious, before"

"That's a good start", Leon said, not addressing the later part of that statement. "Could you give me a status rapport? Tell me how you're doing?" 

Well, that was obvious. "Bad", Merlin said, trying to keep his annoyance from showing. 

"Is there anything that makes things worse? Or better? Has your condition been changing, and do you know why?", Leon asked.

Put like that, the question made a lot more sense. 

"It's gets really bad when I'm left alone", Merlin said. "I'll go from feeling fine, comfortable, even, to just.."

He paused. "To wanting to die. Feeling like I need to. Like it's urgent."

He rubbed the beginning of tears out of his eyes. 

"That didn't happen, before"

Leon looked thoughtful. "It's possible that keeping yourself busy has been the main thing prevent these thoughts from spiraling. So when you can't even talk to someone.."

Merlin sighed. "I'm twelve layers of fucked up. It's not worth the effort, helping me" 

"That's not true. You're more important than you realize, Merlin, and besides, it's my job." 

It was clear to Leon that Merlin didn't believe him. 

"We should have talked to you sooner", he said. "But just to be clear, the things I said, with the Lamia, other times, I never meant them. You were never 'just a servant.' You're the most important servant in Camelot, one of the most important parts of the royal household, and that's not taking into account everything else you're doing on top of it." 

"And most importantly, you're my friend, and I've seen enough friends die to not want that, especially if I can prevent it"

Merlin flinched. "Sorry"

"You're sick", Leon said simply. "You don't have to apologize for that. But I need you to know how much your worth, Merlin. I want you to live. We all want you to live"

"There's things that could change that", Merlin muttered. "You think I'm just beating myself up over nothing, but I'm not! I've earned myself several executions at this point. Some of it was stuff I won't ever be sorry for, but the rest?" 

He shuddered. "I'm not a good person, Leon. I don't deserve to live." 

The knights leaned forward. "Execution aren't about guilt" 

"Really?", Merlin said, tilting his head. 

"They aren't only about guilt", Leon corrected. "That's not the most important thing. The thing is, people need to be safe, and if there's a serial killer running around, an execution is the easiest way to be rid of them. I don't know what you've done, Merlin, but you've never hurt me. Or threatend my friends, or tried to attack Camelot. You're not a threat, and you're not an enemy, and I refuse to treat you as such, because you certainly don't deserve that, and that's final." 

Breath in, Breath out. 

"There was something", Merlin said, trying to figure out how much to say, "that I was going to do. Something really important. And now I've failed."

Breath in, breath out. 

"It was going to make everything worth it!"

Breath in, breath out

"The mistakes, the sacrifices, I always told myself it'd get replayed somehow"

Breath in, breath out. One thing at a time, Merlin thought, one thing at a time. 

"I've lost everything, and for what? "

Breath in, breath out 

"I don't know how to live like this, Leon. Everything that mattered to me is"

Breath in, breath out

"Gone"

He looked at his friend, tears in his eyes. 

"Is it so hard to believe I want to go with it?"

Chapter Text

He'd need to tell Gwen soon. Arthur hated keeping secrets from his own wife. But he needed to think on things. Alone. What he'd found was troubling. To think that it was possible to be born with magic. To think he had not one, but two people in his court for who that was the case. And giving out a full pardon for Merlin's laundry list of crimes, he didn't know if he could afford to do that. 

And he really, really didn't want his closest friend to die. Besides, in his current state of mind, he might think of it as a reward, instead of a punishment. 

He groaned. Being king was drastically overrated. Right now, he'd give everything to just be a nobody with absolutely zero political influence to his name. 

He didn't want to handle this like a criminal case, but what choice did he have? 

Two criminal cases to be precise. 

He should probably handle Mordred first, so he called the druid to his chambers.

"Is there anything special about druid magic?", he asked. Mordred seemed somewhat offended by the question, but wasted no time in answering. 

'It depends', wasn't that useful an answer, but, well, Mordred had done what he asked.

The utility of the other answers he got out of Mordred was slightly better. 

"Stay here", he commanded, when he realized something. There was no reason to neglect informing his wife of this, after all. 

And, from what he'd been able to gauge, Mordred wasn't that powerful, so he could offered a test of loyalty. 

"I must speak with the Queen before I decide your fate", he said. 

Faintly trembling, Mordred bowed. "My lord", he acknowledged, watching Arthur leave the room. 

Chapter Text

"I could smuggle you some alcohol", Gwaine offered, wondering why he could ever let his friend get to the point he was at now. Merlin's face split into a wide grin. "George, could you fetch me and Gwaine a beer?", he said, raising a challenging eyebrow. Gwaine smiled back at him. "Careful, or I'll get jealous", he said, teasing. "I brought a game" 

Merlin groaned. "It's not chess, is it? I've played enough chess for a lifetime, at this point"

Gwaine laughed. "I know"

He curiously eyed the game Gwaine did set up. He'd never really seen it, before. 

Little soldier pieces were set up on a map. Merlin suspected that they were sometimes used to represent real world conflicts, but that didn't seem to be what Gwaine had in mind. 

He tried to keep his mind focused on the game, but though it made a pleasant distraction, it was hard, and he gave up half an hour in. 

"You're weren't doing well the first time I met you", Merlin pointed out,  hoping Gwaine would realize where he was going with this. 

"Sometimes I did get close to ending it", Gwaine bluntly admitted. "It's been better, since I've been friends with you." 

He couldn't put into words how thankful he was that Merlin hadn't given up on him. 

"I'll always be your friend. Nothing could change that" 

"Promise",Merlin said hoarsely, closing his eyes. 

Gwaine did so, putting into words what otherwise would've remained unspoken.

"I was jealous, you know?", Gwaine admitted. "Of Lancelot. And now he's gone, and I regret not talking to him more. Anything you want to do, when you've still got the chance?" 

"There's a girl ", Merlin said. "She died, and then turned into a spirit of some kind. We were going to marry-" 

Gwaine couldn't help the startled noise that escaped him, but waited for Merlin to finish. 

"I still want to, but it seems silly, now that's she's dead. Or undead, but..."

Breath in, breath out

"But even barring that..."

Breath in, breath out

"She had magic. Druid magic"

Breath in, breath out.

"If I'd worn so much as an engagement ring, if there'd been any evidence of our relationship.." 

Breath in, breath out

"When it became safe to talk about, she was already gone"

Breath in, breath out

"I'm mad at her sometimes. For leaving me" 

Breath in, breath out

"She was the one connection I had that wasn't somehow work"  

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you", Gwaine replied. "Really, really sorry" 

Sorry he couldn't be that connection, as well, but they're didn't seem to be a point in voicing that sentiment. 

"I think it'd help if you'd get a momento", he said. You'd have something to remember her by, but it'd feel a lot less monumental then getting married" 

"I miss her magic", Merlin said, looking at Gwaine and fearing his reaction. 

Breath in, breath out. 

"I'm not sure there's a single thing about her I don't miss, to be honest. "

"I'm not exactly comfortable with magic, even if it's druid magic", Gwaine said, unwilling to lie to his friend. "But I could visit a druid camp with you, if it'd help?" 

Merlin shook his head. Gwaine was trying, but his presence would still put him on edge. Best not to push it. 

"If I'm going to do this..", he said, making a decision.

Breath in, breath out. 

"I don't want to get a momento just for her" 

Breath in, breath out. 

"I've lost lots of people" 

Gwaine winced in sympathy. "If you'll tell me what you need, I'll make sure it gets done", he promised. 

Chapter Text

Things often had to get worse before they got better, but that didn't mean seeing Merlin so broken down wasn't shocking. "You could just kill me and be done with this", he offered. "Giving you exactly what you want is hardly a punishment, Merlin", Arthur said- Merlin was very convinced he deserved to be punished, and at this point trying to redirect him from thinking about it in terms of death was the only way to gain some ground. "Everyone else is dead", Merlin said. "Might as well join them." 

Arthur was dumbstruck. "I'll call for Leon", he said with a sigh, standing up.

"No, stay!", Merlin said, so he sat back down. 

"You want me to live" 

"That should be obvious by now", Arthur said, trying to keep his cool. The message wasn't landing, but snapping at Merlin would hardly help. 

"They should have lived", Merlin said, eyes bright with tears. "They should have lived"

He awkwardly stared at breakfast, the same way he'd done for the better part of an hour when he'd woken up. 

"I never asked anyone to die for me!", Merlin snapped. "They, they weren't helping. It was stupid, so fucking stupid of them" 

He eyed Arthur wearily. "Why do you want me to live? I know why I wanted them to live, but why?, why me? Why do you care?" 

It was that exact moment Arthur realized Merlin didn't know. Merlin genuinely didn't know why Arthur'd care about him. 

"You do realize", Arthur said, "that you were the first person to care about me? You were the first person to make jokes with me- often at my expenses, but, hey, that almost made it better! I wasn't dealing with thousands of impossible expectations, for once. You are my first friend, my best friend, and at times, my only friend, I don't want lose that!"

He hesitated for a moment, then added quiet "Please. Please be alright. I don't know what I'd do without you. And apperantly you have magic and a guilty conscience and you don't know what to do anymore, but we'll figure out. And you've made mistakes, we all have, and I've forgiven you, and maybe you'll make them again and I'll just have to keep forgiving you. We'll figure something out. This friendship has been held together with patchwork and string since the beginning anyway, I think we can manage the awkwardness of the king hanging out with a convicted criminal" 

"I was afraid is was going to lose you to", Merlin said, reaching out a hand and grabbing Arthur's arm, the tears finally falling. "With Mordred...and.." 

Breath in, breath out

"And you were going to die before you could even know about my magic, because I couldn't tell you, because then I would die, but.."

Breath in, breath out

"You know about my magic, and we're still friends. That means everything to me. I think I can die happy now." 

Arthur was about to protest Merlin's phrasing, when 

"I think I can live happy now", Merlin added, almost reverently.