Chapter Text
WEST PRESBYTERIAN
He’s glad that Buck is still awake when he gets there, but he clocks his friend's mood as soon as he steps inside. Buck glances away from the grey sky peeking through the curtain, then retrains his eyes back out the window.
“Hi.”
“Hey,” Buck replies.
“Maddie told me Chris visited earlier. That went okay?”
“Yeah.” Buck agrees.
They lapse into silence, and after about 10 minutes, Eddie finally clears his throat. “Is everything okay? I feel like you haven’t been yourself in days. Which is, of course, allowed given that your apartment did burn down along with about everything you own.”
“I’m fine, Eds.”
“Don’t pretend with me, Buck. Come on, let me in your head.” I don’t want to die anymore.
Buck opens his mouth as if to speak. He makes a couple of false starts, then throws his hands up in frustration. Tears are bright in his eyes. Eddie reaches for his hand and takes it in his own. Buck seems a little surprised by the gesture; the angry line of his shoulders is softening, and the aura of fury seems to fade. Buck takes a long, shaky breath. “I don’t know how to talk about it.”
“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to,” Eddie replies.
“We can’t keep not talking about anything, Eddie.” Eddie withdraws his hand in surprise.
He arches his eyebrows at Buck; the comment feels very pointed. “Look, we can talk about whatever you want to talk about.”
“I’m angry.”
Eddie almost scoffs but isn’t really in the mood to have a knockdown, drag out argument in the hospital. He thinks about the last time they were in a hospital and Eddie had geared up for a fight that simply hadn’t come. You’re not expendable, Evan. The words feel so tangible and suddenly it hits him. Oh. Oh.
I’m angry. “About?” Eddie asks calmly.
Buck presses his face into his hands with a shaky exhale. “About everything, at the fucking fire, at myself, at…”
“You’re angry at me.” Eddie says it as a statement, not a question.
“No.”
Eddie sits back and crosses his arms. Buck would fill the silence eventually when it became too unbearable.
“I almost died.”
Eddie doesn’t know what his own face does, but whatever it is causes Buck to flinch a little. “Yeah.” His voice is thick and aches as it escapes his throat.
“It made me think about everything I’ve never said. To you. To anyone.”
“This isn’t the first time,” Eddie points out. “We’ve had our fair share of incidents over the years. Maybe you more so.”
“This is the first time since…”
“Since I told you about the Will,” Eddie agrees.
“We always take the easy way out. We never talk about anything.” Buck’s voice is tight and shaky.
“I guess I don’t know what you want me to say. Are you trying to tell me you don’t want to stay with me?” The thought made Eddie a little nauseous; he didn’t really like the idea of Buck staying with someone else where he couldn’t keep an eye on him himself.
“What? No—” Buck looks so endlessly frustrated, and Eddie realizes for the first time that Buck doesn’t really know why he’s angry—just that he is. This isn’t the way Eddie really wants to do things, but now that Buck is off pain medication, it is as good a time as any.
"We always take the easy way out. We never talk about anything."
“I love you, Evan.” Eddie says simply.
It's clearly the exact last thing Buck expects him to say because there’s a solid moment of silence while he processes the comment. Then tears spring into Buck’s eyes and spill down his cheeks.
“Hey, hey,” Eddie gets up and slides his hip onto the bed, cupping the side of Buck’s face in his hand. “Buck.” Buck melts into his shoulder, and he lets out a tiny hiccuping sob. Eddie breathes out a slow, shaky sigh and holds him.
“You almost died,” Buck sobs. “And you asked me if I was hurt. It pisses me off. You were the one who was shot.”
“You were covered in blood, and I was in shock, Buck.” Eddie reminds him, gently rubbing his thumb across Buck’s shoulder blade in a slow, comforting measure.
“You almost left me with an 11 year old, no instructions, and no partner. I was so furious but also so flattered, and it made me realize that day what I was really feeling. Chris is my kid; he’s been my kid, and I don’t know when that shift happened in my brain. Maybe it was after the tsunami. I don’t know.”
“He’s your kid,” Eddie agrees gently.
“It felt like you only gave me Chris because you wanted me to have something to live for if you died.”
"Someday, Buck, we will teach you to learn to live for yourself. You deserve to want to.” Buck’s inhale is sharp and unsteady. “But that’s never why I gave you Chris; just like I said after that day on the pier, there is no one in this world I trust with my son more than you.”
“We’ve been playing this fucked up game of house, and we never talk about it.”
“You’re right; it shouldn’t have taken your home burning down for us to talk about this. I was scared you didn’t feel the same way.”
Buck laughs a little brokenly. “And why is that?”
“Buck, you see yourself as so small, but I never have.” He leans back and takes Buck’s face in both of his hands. “You are sunshine and rainbows; you are freedom, Buck. You are the first thing in so long I let me want for myself. I’ve always followed Chris’ heart, or at least what I thought his heart needed, and never my own. You singlehandedly pulled me out of a hole that felt so dark and deep that I would drown in it. You make me want to live for myself.” Buck looks up at him, slack-jawed. “You make me want to be selfish.”
“And Evan, I have never loved someone so desperately as I have you. I never felt like I deserved to have you.”
“Eddie,” Buck says, giving a little sobbing hiccup. Eddie exhales and presses their foreheads together.
“But my own fucked up self-esteem issues aren’t a problem for you; they’re a problem for Frank.” Buck gives a watery laugh. “I don’t care if we did this whole thing in reverse, but I want you to move in and I want you to stay. And I want you to hear me when I tell you that I am head over heels in love with you, Evan Buckley.”
Buck closes the distance and tenderly presses their mouths together. “I love you too, Eds. So fucking much.”
Eddie thinks that maybe they’re both going to be okay. He also knows he needs to break the unbearable tension.
“I don’t know how much you remember from when you were on morphine, but I hope you know that you called Athena mom to Bobby, so I think the cats are out of the bag or whatever.”
“Fuck you, Eddie.” Buck pulls away, giggling a little, flushed and pink, and it is so good to see that look on his face after the last week.
Eddie feels himself smirk. “I doubt the doctor will clear you for that until your thigh is a little more healed.” Buck looks startled and a little embarrassed.
“Don’t tease me, Eddie. I was mortally wounded.” Buck insists, dramatic as always.
And goddamn, Eddie loves him so much that he thinks he might die.