Chapter Text
Play Phineas and Ferb Theme Song
The wind blows multiple calendar pages into the air, starting on June 3.
There's 104 days of Summer Vacation
Then School comes along just to end it
Phineas and Ferb sit under a tree in their backyard.
So the annual problem for our generation
Is finding a good way to spend it
Cue montage of the boys doing multiple activities.
Like maybe
First, the boys land on the moon. They jump out of the rocket and float forwards.
Second, Phineas climbs on top of Ferb. They try to fight a mummy.
Third, they climb up a certain French tower.
Building a rocket or fighting a mummy
Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower
Fourth, Ferb removed a tarp to show a weird unicorn-turtle hybrid. Phineas takes a picture of it.
Fifth, the boys force a monkey into the shower. Neither of them enjoy this one.
Discovering something that doesn't exist
Or giving a monkey a shower
Sixth, they surf on a large wave.
Seventh, they create tiny robots.
Eighth, they find Frankenstein's monster. The brain is missing from the head. It doesn't take them that long to find.
Ninth, they find a bird.
Tenth, they fly on a helicopter with a large paintbrush over the city. They covered the city in orange paint.
Eleventh, the boys work on a painting. The painting depicts a red-headed girl with a mustache.
Surfing tidal waves, creating nanobots, or locating Frankenstein's brain
Finding a dodo bird, painting a continent, or driving your sister insane
Turns out, this girl isn't actually a painting, but the boys' sister, Candace. She turns to Phineas angrily.
"Phineas!" she shouts.
The boys do multiple things, all the while their sister watches angrily.
Film a movie.
Build a giant robot dog.
Tamper with a car.
Ride a rollercoaster.
As you can see, there's a whole lot of stuff to do before School starts this fall
Candace talks to a friend on the phone. She doesn't notice the boys carrying a live elephant into the backyard until she hears Phineas call out, "Come on, Perry!" That gets her attention.
Later, she's seen playing "Whack-a-Pest". The pests that pop out are her brothers and their pet platypus.
So stick with us, 'cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna do it all
Afterwards, the boys dance around and play guitar as images of the infinite possibilities flash by.
So stick with us, 'cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna do it all
When the boys are done, they pose. Their sister comes in.
"Mom, Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence!" she shouts.
The boys stare at her for a second. They then brush it off and resume their poses.
End Intro
104 Days of Summer Vacation
Day 78
This is Your Backstory
Candace went out to see what the boys were doing.
From the look of it, Phineas and Ferb were just playing a game of Ping-Pong against each other.
But Candace knew better.
"Alright, what is this?" she asked.
"Table Tennis," Phineas replied bluntly.
"Ping-Pong for the Layman," Ferb added.
"Yeah," said Candace. "But is it, like, some way to build up kinetic energy to open a wormhole, or something like that?"
"No, it's just a regular game of Ping-Pong," said Phineas. "Wanna join?"
Seeing she had nothing better to do, Candace decided to go along with it. "Alright, I'll bite. Anyway, where's Perry?"
Perry was already flying into action. That's when his watch went off.
"Monogram to Agent P," Monogram called. "Already airborne, I see. I like that. Doofenshmirtz has recently purchased an inordinate number of chairs. Hundreds of them. Far more than necessary for a person with no friends and one tushie. Take a look, okay? Monogram out."
The moment Perry landed on the balcony, the roof closed.
"Perry the Platypus, over here," came Doof's voice.
Perry saw Doof sitting in one of the many seats in the room.
"Hurry, hurry," Doof urged. "The show's about to start."
Perry sat next to Doof.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Norm announced on stage. "Someone in our studio audience has a date with history!" He shined a light on all the empty seats. "So, come on up, because this is your backstory, Heinz Doofenshmirtz!"
The light shone on Doof.
"It's me!" Doof cheered as he got on stage.
"Let's give him a big round of applause," Norm said as he pulled a lever.
Mechanical arms grabbed Perry's wrists and forced him to clap.
"Tonight, we explore the life of a true evil genius," Norm went on. "And find out just what makes him kick."
"How?" asked Doof.
"I'll show you."
Norm had Doof sit on a special chair. A helmet was strapped onto Doof's head.
"With the help of our exciting, possibly lethal, memory extraction technology," Doof explained. "All of your most deeply repressed memories would appear right on screen. It's like a TV clip show fueled by your own brain. Now, let's start our trip down Memory Strasse on the day of your birth in beautiful Drusselstein."
"I don't really remember much about that time," said Doof. "I was really young and… ooh, I can feel a tingle. Something's coming out."
The screen showed an image of Doof when he was a baby. He was crying while a nurse comforted him.
Neither of the parents were there.
"How cute," Norm remarked. "But where's Mom?"
"She didn't show up for the birth," Doof explained. "How that's possible, I'll never know, but I was somehow born in the hospital even though she wasn't there to give birth."
"Remember this voice?"
"When they are born," said a thick German voice. "We slap their bottoms to start them breathing."
"Here he is," said Norm. "All the way from Gimmelshtump Memorial Hospital, Doctor Mortimer Schlussel."
The curtain opened to reveal the doctor in question.
"Hey, Doctor…" Doof tried to greet.
But Doctor Schlussel just pulled Doof up by his leg, smacked his butt, and left.
"And I'm sure you can guess who this next voice belongs to," Norm continued.
"Heinz, my little habengoosher," said a new voice.
"Aw, when she says it like that, it's easy to forget that it means…" Doof tried to say.
Then his mother came in, smacked his butt, and walked out.
"Yes, your relationship with your mother left something to be desired," Norm said, maintaining his enthusiasm. "But what about Dad?"
"Well, you know, those were hard times," Doof replied, getting back in his chair. "The stress of running a family weighed heavily on him."
The screen showed Doof's parents losing their lawn gnome and forcing him to act as the lawn gnome to protect the garden from witches and whatnot.
Every time Doof tried to move, his father would shout, "Nicht bewegen!"
Doof had spent many days and nights standing in the garden. He couldn't eat, drink, or even move one muscle.
"What a fascinating life!" Norm remarked. "We'll keep track of the level of emotional pain each backstory causes on this colorful Gnome-o-Meter."
The meter in question showed a tiny little gnome steadily rising to the top of a slope.
"Scale those heights, you bearded, Scandinavian cutie!" Norm cheered.
The mechanical arms removed Perry's fedora and scratched his head in a curious way.
"Let me tell you," said Doof. "Transitioning to adulthood was painful, but I guess it is a good indicator of things to come."
The next memory that played was of the time Doof was forced to do the high dive, and never did.
"Whatever," said Doof. "I'm so over it."
Then his father came in and shouted, "Nicht bewegen!"
Doof bolted up and stood straight.
Then Mr. Doof left without saying a word.
"And here's another voice you might recognize," said Norm.
"What exactly am I here for again?" asked the voice.
The curtain opened to reveal none other than the mayor himself, Roger.
The mechanical arms made Perry whistle.
"Alright, enough with the cheering!" Doof snapped. "It's my show, not his!"
"Can I help it if Mommy liked me best?" asked Roger.
"Look at all those burbling memory bubbles," Norm said.
He pointed at the cord on Doof's helmet, which had bubbles emitting out of the brain.
"Tell us all about it, Doctor D!" Norm requested.
"For a time, I was happy," Doof rambled. "It was a short time. A very short time."
The screen showed one memory of Doof playing with a toy carriage.
Then Roger was born, and he became the favorite child for one reason, and one reason only: Kickball.
Play "I Couldn't Kick my Way Right into her Heart"
Doof:
My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickball
And my brother was an expert from the start
But I lacked finesse, so when put to the test
I couldn't kick my way right into her heart
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Doof announced. "Love Handel!"
Love Handel came out from backstage and performed with Doof.
Danny:
He tried playing Rugby, and soccer, and football
He tried kick the can and even martial arts
But even with this dedication
Doof:
I still got no coordination
Danny:
He couldn't kick his way right into her heart
Oh yeah
"Goodnight, Danville!" Danny shouted, ending the concert.
With that, Love Handel left the building.
End "I Couldn't Kick my Way Right into her Heart"
"Wow, you got Love Handel to be a part of this?" Roger asked, genuinely amazed.
"I know people," Doof replied.
Roger made his leave. "Well, I got a city to govern."
"Don't let your ego hit you on the way out!"
Perry was forced to applaud again.
"Although your family life was tough," said Norm. "Your social life was, how should we say, a soul-shattering void."
"A painful but accurate choice of words, Norm," Doof agreed.
The screen changed to depict a five-year-old Doof at the local animatronic pizzeria. No one came to the party.
And, on the way back home, Doof ended up losing the cake to a bunch of Doonkelberry bats.
"Oh, that stings," Norm remarked. "Now, do you recall a young lad named Boris?"
"Oh sure," Doof replied. "Big Black Boots Boris the Bully."
On screen, Boris always kicked sand in Doof's face no matter where he was at.
In the sandbox.
His first date.
Balancing the checkbook.
At the beach… surprisingly Boris didn't show up then, but there was always that feeling of dread.
"Well, Boris owns a car dealership now, and declined to appear on the show," Norm revealed.
"Good, because he'd likely kick sand in my eyes again," Doof said with relief.
"Well, there was one friend."
Doof perked up. "Balloony!"
The next thing the screen showed was kids being scared off by Doof's odor.
Why did he smell like pork of all things? Well, that's another story for another day.
One day, the carnival came to town and Doof needed money because…
Basically his parents disowned him and he was raised by ocelots.
The point is, Doof had to get a job at the carnival, but the only job was the Dunking Booth, as the person that's thrown against the target.
Which is yet another separate story, but either way, Doof got himself a balloon. He drew a face on it, sprayed it with long-lasting spray, and named him Balloony.
Balloony became Doof's best friend, but one night, while he was protecting the garden, Balloony floated away, never to be seen again.
Until the Chronicles of Meap, that is.
And now, Doof and Balloony were finally back together…
POP!
"Balloony!" Doof cried.
The Gnome-o-Meter started to increase at a faster speed.
"Now, if you've finished weeping," said Norm. "Let's continue. In another misguided attempt to engage in life, you entered one of your inventions in the science fair."
"You're right," said Doof. "It was my first inator."
Just as he was about to demonstrate his invention to the judges, a kid with a baking soda volcano stole the show.
The next year, Doof tried again, only to lose his thunder to a baking soda volcano again.
He then decided to devote his life to poetry, yet he still lost to a baking soda volcano.
"The worst part is, its poetry lacked any subtext!" Doof ranted before he noticed Perry was out of his seat. "Hey, where's Perry?"
Perry got on stage and peaked behind the curtain.
"Okay, playtime's over," Doof declared. "Norm?"
Norm opened the curtain to reveal a container filled with a strange bubbly liquid.
The tentacles grabbed Perry and hung him in the air.
"Behold, the Backstoryinator!" Doof presented. "You see, evil is born from pain and loss, but reliving one story at a time was getting me nowhere. Now, with this, I can collect the liquid essence of all my pain and suffering. Once it's full, I can reinject it into myself, making me the most evil person that has ever lived, thus nothing will stop me from taking over the Tri-State Area!"
Then an ocelot pounced on Doof.
"Oh, there's Mama Ocelot," said Norm.
"Ironically, she's still more nurturing than my own mother," Doof remarked.
Once the ocelot was gone, Doof got back in his chair and the show continued like normal.
The Gnome-o-Meter was almost at the top.
"Let's see, what should my last backstory be?" Doof pondered.
That's when Vanessa came in.
"Hey Dad, can I have the keys to the car?" she asked.
"Oh sure, they're in the…" Doof replied before he realized what he was doing. "No, good memories! Can't stop pleasant reminisces!"
The screen showed plenty of moments between Doof and Vanessa.
Play "Not so Bad a Dad" (Shortened Version)
The recital where Doof cheered way too loud.
Vanessa's flawless first attempt at driving.
Well, almost flawless.
Vanessa:
You were a substandard dad, but the only one I had
I grew up hearing your evil scheming down the hall
And of course, the day Doof finally got Vanessa the Mary McGuffin doll she wanted when she was seven.
But this piece of plastic in my hand makes me finally understand
Maybe you're not so bad a dad, not so bad a dad after all
End "Not so Bad a Dad"
The Gnome-o-Meter plummeted all the way down to the bottom.
"Okay, Dad," said Vanessa. "If you want to hold your head and quiver some more, that's fine with me, but can I have the keys?"
"Oh right," Doof got the keys out of his pocket. "Here you go."
Doof tossed the keys to Vanessa, and she left without saying another word.
"Ah, look at the Gnome-o-Meter," Doof whined. "We've practically started over."
"That's okay, sir," Norm assured. "You have lots of painful history to explore. Tell us, how did you come to America?"
"Well, it was when I was sixteen, or thereabouts. I had stopped celebrating my birthday by that point for, you know, obvious reasons."
The screen showed Doof going to the schtor to get some doozenkraut for his parents.
He always had trouble telling the difference between an actual schtor and a painting of a schtor.
Either way, it started him off on the greatest adventure of his life. He decided to seize the day with both hands… and a mop.
He was taken to a golden land of opportunity. A land with a pioneering spirit which welcomed misfits like him.
But he ended up in America instead.
He knew it was home, mainly because it was familiar.
Once he was in America, he began the human rite of passage known as high school.
And despite his serious lack of coolness, he still managed to date a future pop star.
Though it was only one date.
As Perry watched the scene play out in full, one glaring detail caught his eye.
The date in question was strangely familiar. The long, orange hair was the biggest giveaway.
No way, he thought to himself. Is that… Mom?
Doof and Mom had their back-and-forth, which ended with Mom suggesting Doof not go straight to taking over the whole world, but instead starting out small with the Tri-State Area.
That date ended poorly, but it was only the beginning of Doof's love life.
There was Elizabeth, who ditched Doof for a whale.
And there was also Sheena, who initially returned Doof's feelings before she was struck by Doof's own inator.
"And do you remember this voice?" asked Norm.
Charlene entered the apartment through the main door.
"Hello, Heinz," she greeted. "I have your alimony check."
Doof chuckled nervously. "Charlene."
"Delivered in person, like you asked." Charlene gave Doof the check, then she finally saw the whole set. "What is this? A game show? Is this what you spend the money on?"
"Well, also groceries."
"Well, at least it's not in my garage." Charlene left, but not before saying one last thing. "Nice tux, Norm."
"She's fantastic!" Norm yelled.
"Norm, let's bring out the big guns," Doof requested. "Failed inators!"
The screen depicted a montage of all of Doof's inators blowing up in his face.
Figuratively and literally.
"Well, it's a good thing they have blowing-up insurance," Doof remarked. "Otherwise, I wouldn't even be here right now."
Perry noticed that the ceiling fan was on. This gave him an idea.
"One more good trauma should send Arthur over the top," said Norm.
"Hit me with your best shot," Doof ordered.
"That's just it, sir. The rest are more comical than tragic."
"What? How are we supposed to…?"
Perry swung himself towards the fan. The fan cut the tentacles, releasing him.
That's when the devil appeared on his shoulder.
"Now's your chance," it told him. "Get him while you can."
Perry kicked Doof off his chair.
"Oh, curse you, Perry the Platypus," Doof cursed. "And by that I mean thank you. By tackling me, you've provided me with the last tragic backstory I need to put this baby over the top."
Doof put the helmet back on and replayed the memory of when Perry 'foiled' him. That was just the push needed to get the Gnome-o-Meter over the top.
What have I done? Perry asked himself.
"See, this is why you shouldn't just jump into action," his angel scolded.
Oh, shut it!
Doof pulled a lever, and all the bad memories went back into his brain at lightning speed.
"I can feel myself getting more evil!" he declared as his teeth sharpened and his voice distorted.
Doof laughed as he transformed into a giant demon. He grabbed Perry and pulled him closer.
Perry reached into his pocket and pulled out a collection of photos. They all depicted him and Doof just being happy together.
"NO!" Doof screamed.
Play "My Nemesis" (Short Version)
The screen changed to show all of Doof and Perry's happy moments.
My neme neme, oh, my neme neme neme
When the two had tea the day Doof turned himself into a platypus.
I used to sit alone doing evil all day
But now I think that someone's gonna get in my way
Yeah, there's someone in my life that doesn't want me to exist
Then there was the time Perry joined Doof for his little exercise routine.
Now, I hate him and he hates me
What a wonderful animosity
Besides his hat he wears no clothes
Now I have someone to oppose
Yes, I have a nemesis
And, of course, there was the day the two were lost in the desert and worked together to get back home.
End "My Nemesis"
Doof screamed as he tried to resist the joy. He unintentionally hit the inator, breaking it.
He then reverted back to normal.
Unfortunately, his shirt was torn, exposing his… not-so-good-to-look-at parts.
Perry looked away in disgust.
"Curse you, Perry the Platypus," Doof said before hugging Perry. "And again, by that I mean thank you for reminding me my life isn't all doom and gloom."
Perry gladly returned the hug.
He then jumped off the balcony and flew away on his hang glider.
Phineas and Candace were neck and neck with each other. Each time one hit the ball, the other was already two steps ahead.
Ferb could only watch with anticipation as the ball bounced back and forth between them.
Eventually, though, Phineas swung his paddle, and missed by an inch. It was still enough for him to miss the ball and lose the game.
"Whoo!" Phineas said, panting a little. "That was fun, but also tiring."
"Same here," Candace agreed. "Want to get a snack?"
"Sure."
With that, Phineas, Ferb, and Candace walked inside, just three siblings that enjoyed each other's company.