Chapter Text
It was kind of chilly on Jotunheim and Laufey and Odin were once again fighting over whose dick was bigger.
The rest of the leaders of the Nine realms kind of just had to sit there as they argued.
"I am the AllFather because my army is the biggest in the Nine, much like my penis!" Odin roared.
"That is physically impossible I am like twice your size so my penis is bigger" Laufey retorted.
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yuh-huh!"
Before Odin and Laufey could descend into another hour-long string of "Nuh-uh!"s and "Yuh-huh!"s, Heimdall cut in.
"Why don't you just take a ruler and measure your penis sizes, then compare them to each other?"
"Yeah let's do that, also we're supposed to be discussing the next century's trade agreements", King Surtur agreed.
"UAAUURGGH SHUT UP HEIMDALL!", Odin shouted. ":(", said Heimdall.
Then Odin turned to Laufey and was like, "I DECLARE WAR ON JOTUNHEIM!! MY ARMY IS HUGE, LIKE MY PENIS!!" He then summoned the entire Aesir army to the Jotnar's palace. It looked like the castle (which was fuckin huge because it's Jotunheim) had a really bad ant infestation by the time he was done.
Laufey gave a heavy sigh and was like "Are we fucking serious rn 🙄", then he summoned his guards, all armed with brooms. The guards battled the Assgardian warriors. It went about as well as you'd expect. The leaders of the other realms shrugged and decided to table the meeting until the war ended. Then, they all left the council room and went to their respective homes.
The Aesir warriors were getting kind of annoying. Their weapons were getting caught up in the brooms and messing them up. They were also getting into the royal kitchen and making a beeline for the alcohol. The warriors had even somehow emptied out the refrigerator and were in the process of stealing it. If all that wasn't bad enough, Queen Farbauti had just put Loptr down for a nap, just to discover what had happened to the kitchen. Needless to say, she was pissed. The Jotun Queen got out a bunch of anti-Assgardian Raid (tm) and started spraying the Aesir warriors with it. Some of it even got into Odin's eye.
"UAAUURGGH!! HOW DARE YOU! I AM GOING TO STEAL YOUR OFFSPRING!", Odin shouted at Laufey. Then, he went into the royal nursery and looked at baby Loptr.
"Why is he so small?!"
"Because he's a literal infant you fucking dumbass" said Laufey.
"Whatever I'm stealing him anyway"
Laufey grabbed at Odin to stop him from kidnapping his child, but accidently broke Odin's belt, exposing the AllFather's unwashed ass. He had never washed it or wiped properly because "UAAUURGGH THAT'S GAY", and it smelled like it. The smell was so bad that Laufey died instantly.
The war between Assgard and Jotunheim went like this for 57 "battles" waged during Yggdrasil Council meetings. Sometimes Laufey stole Thor, and sometimes Odin stole Loki (again). Only after their respective wives threatened to take their respective kids and divorce, did Odin and Laufey realize that it didn't matter how big their dicks were. Neither of them could find the clitoris.