Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was Buck's first day back on the job post-lawsuit and he couldn't be more excited! He woke up at 4am and practically threw himself out of bed to shower before getting ready for his day.

Why wake up so early you ask? Well to be honest, he felt like a kid on Christmas morning, practically bursting with anticipation! And once the excitement started in his stomach, it was very difficult to ignore. Going back to sleep for 2 more hours was completely out of the question, so he just decided to start his day earlier than normal.

It also meant he'd be able to drink a coffee on the balcony as he watched the sun rise.

Today was going to be such a good day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Buck arrived at the station an hour early for his shift, unable to stay at home a minute more while waiting for his normal leaving time. Besides, being here an hour early meant he'd be able to help Bobby out with breakfast.

He'd missed helping Bobby in the kitchen so much. Being his Captain's sous chef was probably the highlight of each shift, plus he always loved spending time with Bobby when he had the chance.

He bounced into the locker room, quickly getting changed into his uniform with a content smile plastered on his face, before taking a quick look in the mirror and making his way up to the loft.

"Morning Ca-"

Buck's joyful greeting was interrupted by a sight that immediately shattered his good mood.

Everyone was already sitting around the table... eating.

There were used plates scattered around and stacked up, glass dishes that must have held freshly cooked food now sat empty, and the whole team were chewing their last few bites.

They had breakfast... without him... an hour earlier than they normally would.

What the hell?!

Buck sort of froze, not sure what to do or say.

This was wrong. Had he gotten the time wrong? Was his watch and phone messing up? was it actually an hour later than he thought it was?

He glanced at the clock on the wall in the kitchen.

7:35am.

That's right...

his shift starts at 8:30am, so what was happening right now?

It was also in this moment that he realised not one of his teammates had bothered to greet him, or even look in his direction, since he came up the staircase. Instead, each of them raised from their seats and began helping Bobby clean up the table, taking plates, mugs and glass dishes to the kitchen to be put into the dishwasher.

Something ate at his heart at that. He'd not seen everyone for weeks and what? They're just going to ignore him? Yes, the lawsuit may have been more trouble than it was worth! But he wasn't purposefully trying to upset anyone! He just wanted his job back!

He wanted his family back.

And now here he was, finally, but said family can't even be bothered to look him in the eye or say hello. Not even Eddie. In fact, it looked like Eddie was doing everything in his power to avoid being near Buck all together.

No.

He wasn't going to have this.

So, Buck jumped in to help clean the table too. He stacked up the remaining plates and picked up 4 mugs with one hand, each one's handle hanging from a different finger, and he made his way over to the kitchen where everyone was placing everything.

Once he set it all down, he looked up and noticed he was now completely alone in the loft.

They'd all left. Everyone.

They'd left him to pack up the dishwasher himself. Of course, the task isn't really an issue in itself! Packing a dishwasher is a one man job after all... But normally he and the team would stay in the loft chatting together while the task was being completed by whoever's turn it was that day.

Buck stared at the abandoned plates and cutlery and suddenly felt this rush of anxiety wrap around his heart and lungs.

Today wasn't going to be a good day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

At 8:30, Buck's shift officially started.

He was still in the loft...

Still alone...

Wiping down the kitchen counter and table from all the crumbs and grime from a breakfast he never got to eat.

He was forced to listen to laughter and conversations happening below him as he worked, and it just hurt like nothing else.

He could hear Eddie more than the others.

Eddie was laughing loudly, presumably with Hen and Chimney, enjoying himself while waiting for the first call of the day.

He'd not heard that laugh in weeks.

It was always the one sound that could make Buck feel better no matter what. But right now, it just made him feel worse.

Just as he tossed the now dirty cloth into the kitchen sink, the bell rang.

Great...

He pulled himself into 'firefighter mode', doing his best to ignore the events of the morning for now so he could do his job and save lives without the risk of being distracted.

Once at the bottom the staircase, he made his way to the red lockers, feeling a moment of joy as his eyes feel on the one that still held his name. His turnout coat was hanging inside, under his helmet, like always, and he couldn't help the small smile that found it's way onto his face.

Though, it was quickly ripped away with a single sentence from his Captain.

"Buckley! You're man behind today!"

Of course...

Buck felt his heart crack just a little more as his hands dropped from the shoulders of his hanging turnout.

He wanted to fight back, but he knew it'd get him nowhere.

"Copy that..." He replied sadly, his voice hollow and deprived of every drop of happiness he'd felt early this morning.

Buck watched as the rest of the team grabbed their gear from all around him. Not one of them even spared him a glance as they headed toward the truck. Hen and Chimney were chatting like nothing had changed, Eddie was focused straight ahead, like he didn’t exist, and it took every ounce of his strength to stay rooted in place as he watched the truck make its way out the firehouse...

Leaving him behind.

Chapter Text

He's not sure how long he stayed there, standing in the empty bay, staring at the firehouse doors as he tried to wrap his head around what the fuck just happened.

The silence echoed around him, too loud, too final. His shoulders slumped.

He knew what this meant.

He wasn't going to be 'man behind' for just this call.

It was going to be the rest of the shift.

He was being purposely excluded from the rest of the team.

And deep down, something told him this wasn't going to be just a 'today' thing.

When he was finally able to lift his feet from the spot he was stuck to, he reluctantly made his way to the back of the station, heading for the storage closet.

If he wasn't going to be allowed on calls, he might as well find other ways to busy himself while on his 14 hour shift.

The rest of the morning alone dragged for so long, Buck wondered for a while if he was stuck in some kind of hellish time loop. He spent hours working through a list of chores Bobby always leaves stuck to the fridge for the 'man behind' that day, and reading through each one makes Buck wonder if Bobby intentionally added new ones just to punish him more.

I mean, how many of his colleagues have had to 'collect, wipe down, and fold the chairs on roof' before? Or 'clean out the traps and shower heads in bathroom'?

He's never had to do either of these! Why had they been suddenly added to the list?

But, with a huff, he got on with it. No point in arguing and making the situation potentially worse than it already obviously was.

At least it gave him a chance to think about what he was going to say to his team before they return.

Oh boy, was he looking forward to that?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

He was about 2 tasks away from finishing the list when he heard the garage doors open.

"Here we go..." He whispered to himself, tossing the sponge he was using to clean the glass doors into a bucket, and taking a deep breath to steady himself.

He threw on a fake smile and made his way into the bay, ready to greet the team and hopefully strike up a conversation about the call that he could then use to segue way into the much needed chat about everything that went on with him and the lawsuit.

Hen was the first out the truck.

"Heyyy!" Buck announced, trying to keep his voice playful and light. "How was it? Anything interesting?" He asked.

"I don't think 'interesting' is the term you use for a multi-car pile up, Buck." She replied coldly, moving past him with a small shove when he tried to block her way.

"Oh- oh n- no, no, no, that's not-" Buck stuttered, his anxiety instantly spiking again. "I didn't mean that? I just-"

"Didn't think before speaking?" Chim interrupted, his voice echoing out the firetruck before jumping out himself. "Nothing new there, right?"

Chimney gave him an annoyed look as he also shoved past him, ripping his turnout from his shoulders in the process.

Buck visibly deflated. His shoulder slumped, his head fell, and his arms dropped to his side. This was definitely not going the way he'd hoped.

Eddie was next.

Though Buck wondered for a moment if there was even any point in attempting to talk to him.

It couldn't get any worse though, right?

“Eddie?” He tried, voice low but still a little hopeful. “Can we talk?”

The older man didn’t stop. He stepped down from the truck, and turned toward the lockers, saying nothing. It was like Buck wasn't even there.

Buck swallowed hard. Yep... it can definitely get worse.

He followed a few steps behind, deciding to try again. “Eddie… please.”

That, at least, got Eddie to stop. He didn’t look at Buck right away, just shrugged off his gear and set it on the bench like he was moving in slow motion. Buck waited, his chest tight and his hands shaking slightly at his sides.

Eddie finally looked up. Buck felt the breath leave his lungs at the sight of Eddie's eyes.

They were dull, empty, red rimmed... Like he'd been crying, or about to.

Now he thinks about it, the rest of his team, if he can even still call them that, looked the same way.

The usual warm, soft feeling Buck would get when being met with Eddie's gaze was now nowhere to be found.

"Not today." Eddie said simply, his voice low and broken.

Buck flinched a little, though he tried to hide it by instantly sending his gaze to the ground. He blinked rapidly, doing everything he could to keep the burn in his eyes from spilling over.

He gave a small nod, knowing not to push. Though every part of him wanted to.

"Ok," he whispered. "Yeah. Sure."

He turned, ready to quickly retreat. But before taking a step away, he decided to try something else.

"Eddie?" The older man huffed and lowered his head as he halted in removing his suspenders. Even when they aren't talking, Buck and Eddie can't resist eachother. At least not for long.

"What?" He replied, clearly exhausted, this time refusing to turn around again, like he was hiding his face.

"What happened? Are- I know I- I have no place to ask this right now, but-" Buck hesitated, anxiously scratching his arm as his gaze flew all around the room while trying to get his sentence out. "Are you ok?"

Eddie stood frozen for a moment, still facing away. Buck watched in silence as the older man reached his hand up to wipe at his face, before turning toward the staircase and walking away without saying a word.

Buck was left alone again.

Buck knew he'd hurt them, and betrayed their trust, but he didn't mean it to go this far. Now here he was... Benched on calls, ignored and dismissed by his team, and forced to be on clean up throughout his whole shift.

When he told Mackey about everything, the last thing he expected was for that same information to be used against the people he was trying so hard to get back to.

He remembered so clearly, the look on Eddie's face, the moment Mackey brought up Shannon...

He'd used Eddie's grief like a weapon. Like some kind of gotcha moment against Bobby and the department, and Buck could see the friendship between himself and Eddie unravelling right in front of his eyes.

How could he let this happen?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day passed in a haze of more chores and silence.

Surprisingly, he was told, or more specifically yelled at, by one of the other firefighters, when Bobby was dishing up food, but chose not to join, saying he wasn't hungry, out of fear of being left out of 'family dinner' and made to sit and eat alone, as well as being made to wash up afterwards.

So instead, he stayed in the gym, working out and cleaning up until it reached that time of day where he could finally get out of there.

At one point, he saw Bobby descending the staircase with a plate of food and a drink in his hands. He knew Bobby was heading for him, but he couldn't take that right now, so instead he headed for the bathrooms and locked himself inside one of the stalls, ignoring Bobby when the older man called out, and left the food on the counter for him.

By the time the sun began to set behind the station, Buck’s heart felt like it had been wrung dry. His earlier joy seemed like a distant memory. Like some kind of joke for the others to laugh at and taunt.

When it finally hit shift change, Buck had never moved so fast.

He tossed all the equipment and tools he'd used back into the storage closet, tore off his uniform so violently it almost ripped, and grabbed all his things together in one swift motion.

He was out the locker room seconds before Hen, Chim and Eddie were making their way towards it.

Part of him wanted to say something, but he decided against it, instead lowering his head when he felt 3 pairs of eyes on him as he walked towards the main doors. He could hear them whispering to eachother as he left, probably about how pathetic he was being.

Just as he was at the threshold of the building, Buck felt a sob suddenly tear it's way through his body, up his throat and out his mouth. He also felt his legs shakily give out and he fell against the doorframe, shooting his arms out to catch himself. It was loud, and he knew there was no way the other's didn't hear it, but he couldn't show any kind of weakness in front of them. Not with how they were already acting with him.

"Buck!"

Yelled a familiar voice from behind him, making his heart drop. There were a stampede of echoed footsteps rushing towards him.

No.

They couldn't see him like this.

He instantly steadied himself and raced out the building, towards his jeep, before the owner of the voice could reach him.

Little did he know, Eddie, Hen and Chim had been watching him from the moment he stepped outside the locker room, and were subtly trying to work up the courage to speak to him before he left. Though... clearly unsuccessfully, also.

Chapter Text

A FEW HOURS EARLIER:

The 118 were on their way back to the firehouse after being called to a multi-car pile up.

There had been casualties.

They had done their best, but there was only so much that could've been done. And unfortunately, a fair few people lost their lives.

Everyone was silent on the drive home, they were all either frozen from shock, numb from dissociation, or just unable to get their body to do or say anything no matter how hard they tried.

This had been the first big loss they'd had in a while, and it was truly hitting like nothing else before.

Hen was thinking about the mother she had tried to save. A woman who was pleading to be freed from under the crushing weight of her collapsed steering wheel and dashboard, while she refused to take her eyes off of her infant daughter held in Bobby's arms as Eddie checked her over. The mother lost her pulse seconds before Hen got her free, and it never returned.

Chimney was thinking about the man he tried to save. The one who had been struck on the sidewalk by one of the cars caught in the pile up. The man's legs were trapped and shredded under the bumper of the car. In the end, he'd just lost too much blood.

Eddie was thinking about a little boy and his father trapped in a car slap bang in the centre of the horrific accident. He could only get a limited view into the vehicle, and did everything he could to make his way inside to save them, but it was no use. The boy had suffered a traumatic head injury on impact, and the father also sustained great blood loss and a broken spine. They both were gone just before Eddie could get to them.

Bobby was thinking about everything. The amount of people who had lost their lives, the amount of blood and shattered glass that was everywhere on the road, sidewalk, and embedded in the victims, and the shattered and unexplainable expressions on his team's faces when they each lost a patient.

He also thought about how different everything could've possibly turned out if they weren't one man down.

Maybe if he hadn't left his strongest man behind out of spite, a lot more lives could've been saved.

When they finally arrived back at the station, each one of them exited the truck with a cloudy haze fogging their mind. They wanted nothing more than to just retreat to their own favourite spots of the firehouse and cool off, but of course, Buck was there to greet them when they arrived.

The way Buck came bouncing over with a smile, fake or not, tore at them. It felt like a slap to the face, and they hadn't prepared for it beforehand.

Eddie was on the brink of tears when he got out the truck.

He had heard what Hen and Chim had said to Buck when they got out, and he could practically feel the sorrow and guilt radiating off the younger man when he finally stepped down.

He couldn't let Buck see how upset he really was. Not now, cause it'd mean Buck would want to help, even if the two of them were at odds right now. And if he did that, it'd mean Eddie would have to face him properly since this whole lawsuit fiasco started. That was something he wasn't ready for yet.

So, he walked away. Eddie pushed past Buck, like he wasn't even there, even as Buck tried to get his attention, and made his way over to the lockers to remove his turnouts.

"Eddie... Please."

Eddie stopped, because he always stopped. He could hear the hurt in Buck's voice.

He shrugged off his gear and turned, immediately feeling his heart crack like glass when he took in the state of the man in front of him.

But he couldn't falter.

Buck would want to know what was wrong.

He's not ready to have a heart to heart with him just yet, especially with everything that had just happened on the call.

"Not today." Eddie replied coldly. Probably a little harsher than intended. He blinked a few times to fight back the burning in his eyes, and watched what was left of Buck's light fizzle out in real time, and it just made him hurt more.

It almost looked like Buck flinched.

The younger man nodded, now refusing to meet Eddie's eyes, like he was also trying to hold back tears.

"Ok... Yeah. Sure." Buck replied in a whisper, looking like he desperately wanted to run for the hills.

Eddie turned back towards the locker, almost thankful that Buck chose to give up so quickly.

If anyone had the capability to get Eddie to spill his guts, it was Buck. Even when they're having a rough patch. If that what you could even call this...

As Eddie moved to take off his suspenders, there was a voice calling him again. The same voice.

Buck was still here.

He sighed and braced himself for whatever may come next.

"What?" Eddie asks after a moment of silence, not wanting to turn and face the other man again out of fear of breaking.

"What happened?"

Oh shit...

The burning, prickly feeling pulled at Eddie's eyes again, and this time he couldn't help the few tears that slipped free.

"Are- I know I- I have no place to ask this right now, but-"

A beat of silence, like Buck's trying to work out whether he should finish his sentence.

"Are you ok?"

That did it.

Eddie's eyes became glassy, tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn't move for a moment, terrified that he'd collapse out of pure despair and exhaustion.

Right now he wanted nothing more than to turn around and yell, to say 'No! I'm not! And if you hadn't started this whole lawsuit mess, maybe I'd still be able to talk to you like before. But I can't. Not after what you did!'

But of course, none of that came out. He still regrets the words he said to Buck in the grocery store, it'd kill him to do something like that again, no matter how he may feel in the moment.

Instead, Eddie wiped his face with a rough hand and walked towards the staircase, leaving Buck standing there.

He didn’t look back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Hours later, once Eddie, Hen, Bobby and Chim had the chance to cool off, they each found their way to eachother in the loft.

Hen was there first, sitting on one of the couches and staring into nothing as she relived that horrible call. She almost didn't register when Chimney arrived, placing a supportive hand on her knee and greeting her with a 'I know. I'm here.' smile as he too took on the same position and blank expression on the other end of the couch.

Eddie joined next, rubbing at his puffy eyes and straighting out his hair. He'd crashed in the bunks a good few hours ago and only just rejoined the land of the living, wanting nothing more than to go home and continue sleeping for a week.

Bobby found the three of them spacing out a few minutes later and announced he'd already taken the 118 off of calls for the rest of shift, hours ago, so that they could all have the chance to rest and recooperate. He'd even given them the option to go home, which Eddie wanted to take, but Hen persuaded him to stay a little longer so that none of them were alone.

Bobby started on some food in the kitchen while he quietly tried to persuade his teammates to get out of their own heads for a bit.

He knew there was one person who always had the supernatural ability to lighten the mood in any room, but he also knew that, now he'd gone and fucked it all up, that person is probably in a similar headspace to the rest of the team.

What had he done?

"I feel really bad for what I said to Buck earlier..." Hen said suddenly, her voice quiet and raspy from exhaustion. "He was just trying to reach out an olive branch, having no idea what we'd just gone through, but I snapped at him like he'd done something wrong."

Chim sighed, running a hand down his face. "Yeah, me too. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I know Buck. I know he had no idea what happened, or meant anything by asking if it was an 'interesting call', cause we know we'd all do the same thing! I just- I just lashed out at him out of spite. And he’s already been walking on eggshells since he got back this morning. It wasn't fair."

Eddie stayed quiet, his jaw clenched. He could feel Hen and Chim's eyes on him, waiting for him to chime in, but he didn't trust himself to speak yet.

He was still mad at Buck. He probably will be for a while. But he can't get that look out of his mind...

The way Buck's eyes suddenly went dull and lifeless the moment Eddie turned him away. He loves Buck in a way he can't describe, and to be hurt by him the way he was, makes him feel so many foreign, yet familiar, emotions that he doesn't want to put a name to... Because if he did, it'd mean admitting to the fact he's currently feeling the same as he did when Shannon left. And God knows the can of worms that would open up.

Bobby looked over from the kitchen, his face weighed down with guilt. “We all may have said something wrong today, but I don't want any of you blaming yourselves... When this is my fault.” He said, voice soft but firm. He placed the knife he was using down on the chopping board and made his way over to the couches, taking a seat beside Eddie.

The others watched him with confusion for a moment.

“I’m Captain of this house. I'm supposed to take care of each of you and treat you all equally. But I’ve been punishing Buck for something that wasn’t his fault. He wanted to come home to his family and yet I did everything in my power to keep him away... Resulting in this lawsuit, because he felt it was his only remaining option."

The others froze, glancing at each other before Chim chose to speak up.

"What do you mean YOU did everything in your power to keep him away? It was the higher ups. They thought he wasn't fit for duty. Bobby, you shouldn't blame yourself for something that was out of your contr-"

"It was me." Bobby interrupted, lowering his head to stare at the ground.

"I said he wasn't fit for duty. I kept him away... I was scared of something else happening to him. Something that, this time, he may not survive.”

The loft suddenly fell into a suffocating silence. Eddie’s head snapped up, eyes narrowing. Hen’s lips pressed into a thin line, and Chim looked like he was trying to process if he’d even heard Bobby right.

“What?” Eddie asked, voice sharp in a way it rarely was with Bobby.

“I told them he wasn’t ready,” Bobby said, softer now, but still not looking up. “When the department asked for my recommendation, I said no. I kept saying no. Over and over. Because every time I thought about Buck stepping back onto a rig, all I could imagine was him flatlining on a gurney.”

Eddie scoffed in disbelief, unsure of what to say.

Hen’s jaw clenched. “So… This lawsuit, all this mess, it wasn’t because the department had concerns about Buck. It was because you couldn’t let go of your fear.”

Bobby nodded reluctantly, shame radiating off him. “I thought I was protecting him.”

Chim blew out a breath, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Jesus, Cap…”

Eddie stayed quiet, but his fingers curled into fists on his thighs. Because yeah, he had watched Buck fight for his life under that firetruck. He had been the one to take Buck's pulse when he collapsed at Bobby and Athena's. He had stayed with Buck and Christopher all night in that makeshift hospital after the tsunami. And he had found a new way to be terrified every single time, but he also knew Buck.

Buck always bounced back. He always followed his doctor's requests and suggestons so he could get back to work as fast as possible. Eddie could understand where Bobby's fear was coming from, but even their Captain couldn't keep Buck down from getting back to his job no matter how hard he tried.

And now knowing that Bobby HAD in fact tried, made HIM feel betrayed for Buck.

Eddie stood abruptly, pacing a few steps before stopping, hands on his hips. He could feel the others watching him, waiting for him to say what they were all thinking.

“I get it,” he said finally, voice tight. “I get why you did it. But, even as Captain, it wasn’t your choice to make. You should’ve talked to him. You should’ve trusted him.”

Bobby’s shoulders sagged. “I know.”

“No, Bobby,” Hen interjected, her voice sharp but not unkind, “I don’t think you do. Buck almost died three times in the last year. Two of which we all watched happen. And we all felt the same fear you did. But we didn’t take away his right to fight for himself. You did.”

The silence that followed was heavy, suffocating.

Chim let out a humorless scoff. “And we punished him for fighting. For trying to come back to us. God, I feel awful.”

Eddie didn’t need to be reminded. Buck’s face had been haunting him since they jumped out the truck. The hope, the effort, the way it all crumbled so fast.

“Where is he now?” Eddie asked suddenly, whipping around to face Bobby.

"In the gym... He's gone through the chore list and he's down there working out. Has been for about three hours at this point."

Eddie nodded and made a move to go and find him, only to be stopped by Chim. "Hang on, Eddie. Why don't we do this a different way? He may not like us confronting him right now."

"So what are you suggesting?" Hen wondered, leaning forward.

"Let's help Cap finish cooking, and then we can call him up to eat with us. I could see how upset his was this morning when we ate breakfast without him. Means we can also make sure we're all fed before having THAT conversation."

Bobby's lips pressed into a thin line, guilt still etched into every feature, but he nodded. "It's the least we can do. Least I can do..."

Eddie was still tense, his arms crossed tightly over his chest, but after a moment, he nodded too. "Fine. What are we making?"

Chapter Text

Once everything was ready and about to be dished up, Bobby sent one of the other firefighters to fetch Buck from the gym as the others were busy. The firefighter left in a huff, just as they were about to grab a slice of buttered bread from one of the plates, and made their way to the staircase.

When they returned a minute later, it was without Buck, and they just sat down at the table, finally grabbing that slice of bread they went for before.

"Uh... Buck?" Bobby asked them. The firefighter shrugged, unbothered. "Said he wasn't hungry." They replied before biting into their bread.

Bobby’s jaw clenched. He knew exactly why Buck had refused. And it had nothing to do with not being hungry.

Eddie pushed back his chair abruptly, the scrape of it against the floor sharp in the quiet room. “That’s it. I’m going down there.”

Hen reached out, grabbing his wrist gently. “Eddie, as much as I'd want to go down there with you, maybe we should leave him. He knows he's been invited to sit with us, if he doesn't want to, that's his choice. We can't force him."

“He thinks he’s not wanted,” Eddie said, his voice low. “He thinks if he comes up stairs, he’ll be sitting alone. Or left to clean up, just like this morning.” His grip tightened into a fist. “And if I don't go down there, we'll just be knowingly leaving him in that headspace."

"But also, if you go down there, he's gonna think it's purely because we feel guilty, not because we actually want him here with us. You know what Buck is like! If he thinks someone is doing something because they feel guilty, he'll feel forced to forgive and see himself as the problem instead."

Eddie closed his eyes for a moment, breathing through the frustration. He hated how much sense they were making.

“So what?” he said bitterly. “We just leave him down there to think he doesn’t matter?”

“No,” Hen said gently, “we show him he matters without backing him into a corner.”

Bobby looked around at them, gesturing to the empty chair. “We’ll keep his place at the table, and I'll dish him up a plate. If he doesn't come up while we're eating, I'll take it down to him later so he's at least still getting some food in him."

Eddie’s throat strained as he swallowed his protest. Every part of him wanted to go downstairs, to drag Buck up and tie him to the chair. But deep down, he knew they were right. Buck had to see that they wanted him, without strings, without pity.

So Eddie sat back down, though his leg bounced restlessly under the table.

“I don’t like this,” he muttered. “Feels like giving up.”

Hen offered a sad smile. “It’s not giving up. It’s giving him the choice.”

Chim slid a plate in front of Eddie. “He’s stubborn, but he’s not stupid. He’ll see this.”

And so they waited.

And waited.

And waited.

They had been finished for about 10 minutes when Bobby finally let out a defeated sigh.

Buck never came upstairs.

"Well... That's that, I guess..."

"I'll take his food down to him." Bobby said, standing from his chair and reaching out to take the abandoned plate, walking over to the microwave to quickly reheat it.

As the Captain watches the plate spin round and round in the microwave, he contemplates on what he could possibly say to Buck right now that may even begin to fix the relationship he'd broken with the younger man.

Every sentence in his mind comes to a dead end the moment he reaches mentioning his own reasoning and apology. Bobby knows he's needs to apologise. He knows what he did was hurtful to Buck. But he also knows that he did it to keep Buck safe! And that, there, is where the issue of this inevitable conversation will lie.

It took him a second to realise the microwave had finished spinning at this point, and his team were calling to get his attention. Once he snapped out of his thoughts, and cleared his throat, feeling a little embarrassed, he ripped open the microwave door and carefully grabbed the now hot plate inside.

"I'll be back in a minute." He promises before grabbing Buck's drink, and heading towards the staircase.

Once downstairs, Bobby walked into the gym, expecting to find Buck on the weights like usual, but he was nowhere to be found.

Weird... Buck was just down here!

"Buck?? Kid?! Hey!"

He peered around every corner, nothing.

He turned and checked the rest of the floor, nothing.

Buck was obviously here... How could a man so heavy on his feet disappear so silently and so quickly?

That was when Bobby glanced at the bathrooms.

The only logical place Buck could be.

He opened the red door with his shoulder, balancing the glass and plate in his hands, and scanned the room.

"Buck?"

For a second, he thought he may have heard a gasp.

"Buck? If- If you're in here... I've, uh, got a full plate for you! Didn't want you to miss out."

Seconds passed.

Silence.

There was only one stall with a closed, bolted, door. Buck HAD to be in there. There was no way he was anywhere else.

Part of Bobby wanted to go over and knock, to ask Buck to come out and talk to him, but he knew it probably wouldn't work. He didn't want to ambush him, and if Buck was purposefully hiding and not responding, Bobby knew better than to try and force him.

So with a sigh, he placed the plate and drink on the counter, next to the mirror, and looked back at the closed stall. "Ok, kid... I'm leaving this here for you, if you want it. I reheated it for you so don't let it go cold, alright? We'll... We'll be upstairs. You're of course welcome to join us if you feel like it."

He left the room with his head hung low, feeling defeated, and made his way back up the staircase. He told the team what happened and was not surprised by Eddie's guilt ridden reaction, though he tried his best to let the younger man know that he'd do everything on his power to make this right.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Shift change snuck up on them so quickly it gave them whiplash.

The team had spent the last remaining hours trying to find the best way to talk to Buck, and they were close to having the perfect answer, but the end of their shift brought an end to their planning and instead threw them into the deep waters of actually doing the thing.

You know that pit in your stomach feeling you get in dreaded anticipation? The one that just takes over your whole body and mind before something big and scary is about to happen? That's the feeling each of the 118 were currently experiencing, and it was making them want to vomit, run, and scream. Though probably not in that order.

Eddie, Hen and Chim decided it may be best to try and catch Buck as he was leaving the locker room. He'd be in more comfortable clothes, and it'd give him the freedom to bolt if he wanted to.

Just as they were heading to the chosen room, their hands shaking like they'd been injected with a life supply of caffeine, they saw Buck making his way out.

Eddie had the urge to call out and stop him, but struggled to find his voice when Buck glanced up. It was just for a millionth of a second, but in that tiny moment, blue met brown, and Eddie felt his world crumble all over again. Buck instantly dropped his gaze to the ground and picked up his pace, tightening his grip on his duffle bag.

"We need to go after him." Chim whispered, biting anxiously at his thumb nail as he kept his eyes on Buck the whole time.

"What if doing this makes it worse?" Hen said back, her voice hushed and uncertain.

They continued to eye Buck as he made his way past the fire trucks, and towards the main doors. They were running out of time, but their boots felt stuck to the ground. But it was in that moment the three of them heard a sound that would be enough to shatter the heart of even the most cold and soulless person.

Buck let out a sob that seemed to echo through, not only the firehouse, but their bodies. It vibrated through their ears and down their spines, making them shudder. Eddie then also caught sight of Buck's legs giving out from underneath him, and that view alone was enough to make Eddie's heart drop.

"Buck!"

The name was out of his mouth before his brain had even processed what'd happened, and the three of them gasped as they watched Buck grab at the wall beside him, trying to regain his balance.

It was now or never.

Eddie, Hen and Chim ran. Their boots thundered loudly against the concrete beneath them as they ran to their teammate. Their friend. Though, it seemed like every step closer was just throwing them further away.

The space between themselves and Buck seemed to grow, rather than shrink, and Eddie could see Buck already finding his footing again and practically bolting for the jeep.

by the time the trio made it outside and only inches from where Buck's jeep was parked, he was already putting it in reverse and pulling out of his parking space.

Eddie had never seen him drive so fast.

"Shit..."

Chapter Text

The drive on the way home was nothing short of hellish. From traffic so backed up you could get a 3 hour nap in before everything started moving, to the sudden heavy rain that seemed to follow Buck everywhere he went like the universe was mocking him.

The tears had stopped by now, purely just because they'd all been used up for today. Sitting in his jeep for what felt like forver was enough for him to let out everything he needed to before arriving home.

How could he let himself be so stupid?!

Of course they'd want nothing to do with him!

Of course his team wouldn't speak to him!

He hurt them and betrayed their trust. Why would they just welcome him back with open arms? He was idiotic to assume such a thing.

Now, back at the loft, there was this cloudy haze covering his mind like saran wrap. He felt like his brain was filled with cotton balls, instantly absorbing every new thought that tried to break through the mist.

Somewhere in the fog, Buck could hear his phone buzzing, but he couldn't find the strength to look, or even care, right now. He practically threw his belongings onto the kitchen counter, and dragged his feet the remaining distance to the couch, where he flopped onto the welcoming cushions and let his mind drift further away.

The memories of his awful day came back in flashes over and over again, making him want to drift even more. Maybe if he floated away high enough, the memories wouldn't reach him.

Maybe, for once, he could ignore Eddie's voice in his head calling him 'exhausting'. He could forget the salt water filling his mouth as he tried to scream Christopher's name. He could push away the look of betrayal and hurt in Bobby's eyes the moment he handed over the lawsuit papers that night.

The phone was buzzing again on the kitchen counter, but it was so far away that Buck wondered if it was even real.

Why would anyone be trying to ring him anyway?

Who would want to talk to him?

The only people with his number right now hate him.

It could be Maddie... But since all this mess started, he'd been shutting her out. It was out of fear that she'd side with Chimney... Cause why wouldn't she? He knew that's what she'd do, so why talk to her when all she'd do is tell him how stupid he was being? He knew all that already.

As Buck squeezed his eyes shut against the rough fabric of his least favourite cushion, he couldn't get Eddie's face out of his head. The way the older man had turned to look at him after getting out the truck, the redness in his eyes, and the puffiness surrounding them... If only Buck hadn't caused all this trouble, maybe Eddie would've let him in.

He hates seeing Eddie cry... He hates being the cause of Eddie crying even more.

It was in that moment that Buck vaguely remembered he had another shift in less than 10 hours.

Maybe he could call in sick?

Ironic after everything he just put himself and his tea- the 118... through to get back to work, but the idea of facing all of them again after today was ripping at his insides like claws, and he couldn't help the new round of tears that slowly made their way down his cheeks.

Guess he hadn't used them all up on the way home after all.

He drifted more, somehow finding the ability to let his muscles relax and go limp against the couch as he practically suffocated himself against the harsh fabric beneath him. If he did suffocate now, would any of them care? He wasn't sure...

Would they noticed if he just disappeared? If he gave up?

As tempting as it was to maybe find out, the idea of actually doing such a thing struck a nerve of terror in him. It'd been years since a thought like that found it's way into his subconscious, with the last time being a few years after moving away from his parents. It'd ended with a, luckily, failed attempt that he'd refused to speak about to anyone, ever, including Maddie.

He was older now, though... He had a lid on this side of his mind, and could definitely recognise if it got too close to a repeated cycle.

But still, the fact a thought like that slithered it's way into the forefront of his mind, and he even considered it for longer than a moment, was still something that caught him off guard. And if it was happening after just one day, he worried about how bad it could potentially get going forward.

Maybe he should just give up... It could prevent causing his fami-... The 118... any more pain. Maybe they'd do better without him hanging off of them all the time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Buck very slowly began coming back to his body, though he wasn't sure how much time had passed since he arrived home. The buzzing had long stopped by now, and his muscles were aching all over.

Had he fallen asleep?

Had he passed out?

Had his brain just shut itself off and he just blacked out for a while without realising?

He squinted his eyes and checked his watch, wincing at the way his arms ached when they moved.

He'd been home for two and a half hours already?

Weird... It felt like he hadn't been there long.

He should probably eat something... Especially seen as he missed out on two meals at the station today. Granted, Bobby had left a plate of food for him in the bathroom, but it was stone cold by the time he went out to get it, and there was no way he was going to risk seeing everyone when heading up to reheat it again.

Though, as he limply sat up, falling to the ground as he lost his balance on the edge of the couch, he realised that any attempt to put food in his stomach right now would probably just end up with a vomiting session within the following 15 minutes.

He'll just have a bigger breakfast in the morning.

Another morning where he'd have to sit alone at his kitchen island, eating his breakfast while staring at the empty stall across from him. The stall where Eddie used to sit during breakfast before a shift, talking about the many new hobbies Christopher had started that week, before the two of them would head off to work together.

even while living alone, his loft has never felt so empty.

Buck slowly rose to his feet, staggering a little as his knees felt weak beneath him, before making his way to the staircase, while grabbing onto every object his hands landed on to keep himself steady.

He walked, with great difficulty, up the mountain of stairs, leaving his phone on the counter with just under 20% left of his battery. He could always charge it in the morning if he needed to, not that he WOULD need to... It's not like anyone would try to contact him anyway.

Once at the top of the stairs, he barely had the strength to take off his uniform shirt before collapsing on the mattress.

He was out the moment he hit the pillow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddie had been trying to get hold of Buck all evening!

Call after call, text after text... Met with nothing in return.

At one point he pondered over heading over there, just to make sure Buck hadn't accidentally cut himself while making food or something, he was still on blood thinners after all.

Eddie chose against it.

Cornering the man in his own home, after such a long and exhausting shift, was not the way to go.

Exhausting...

'You're exhausting'.

Eddie winced at the memory. He regretted those words the second they left his mouth, but was too blinded by his own anger and hurt to take them back. He'd watched in that moment how Buck's eyes lost their light, and how his posture slumped inwards.

He knew all about Buck's insecurities around being unwanted. The younger man had opened up to him so many times over the years about how his parents used to talk down to him like he didn't matter... Like he was a waste of time... Like... Like he was exhausting...

From where Eddie sat on his couch, he threw his head into his hands, dropping his phone onto the ground where the screen stared up at him, mocking him.

It was open on his messages to Buck. The ones he'd sent over the last few hours, pleading for him to answer the phone so he could apologise, but every message was left on delivered. He'd left about three voicemails at this point, stuttering over his words and restarting sentences, but each one faded out on his tongue as he tried to find the right words to say.

Maybe it was pride? Guilt? Shame? Embarrassment? All of the above? Eddie wasn't sure. But the second he opened his mouth to explain himself and apologise, all that came out were strained breaths and half-assed attempts at sentences that made little to no sense.

Eddie sat there in the darkness of his living room for a little longer, trying to find the answer to what to do, before grabbing his phone from the ground and opting to messaging the one person who NEEDED to sort this out.

'I've been trying to get hold of Buck for hours but all messages are only delivered and calls are going to voicemail. Should I go over there?'

Eddie typed out and sent his message through, and anxiously waited for a reply as his knee bounced beneath his arms.

The response came within seconds.

'Hi Eddie,

I also have been trying to reach Buck since he finished his shift. I found his plate of food still full and untouched in the bathroom and got worried.

I wondered, also, if I should head over to visit him, and check in on him, but I didn't want to corner him at his home as it could push him further away.

Maybe he's just gotten an early night after a long first day back? - Bobby'

Eddie read through Bobby's message and sighed to himself, running a hand over his face. This is just like Eddie's thoughts talking back to him.

"Not very helpful, Cap..." He muttered quietly to himself as he began typing once again.

'Thanks, Cap. I think you're right with the whole cornering thing so maybe I'll just give him this night and talk to him at work tomorrow.'

Bobby was typing back less than a minute later.

'Sounds like a plan, Eddie.

I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight! - Bobby'

Eddie tossed his phone onto the couch beside him and stretched backwards, pulling off his work hoodie before staring at the dark room around him.

Chris was asleep in the other room, and had been for a few hours now, so there was a small sound of snoring that filled the house, filling Eddie's heart with comfort... Though, at the same time, Eddie had never felt so lonely.

Normally, after hard shifts like today, Buck would be with him. They'd sit on the couch together, cook together, play games together, just exist together, because neither wanted to be alone after experiencing yet another traumatic event on the job.

But here Eddie was... Alone. In the dark. Wanting nothing more than to see Buck's bright blue eyes and watch them sparkle as he tells Eddie all about the new fun facts he'd learnt that week.

Eddie just had to go and fuck it all up.

'Not today'

Why did he say that?! Buck was just trying to help! Buck wanted to know what had happened on the call to make them all so upset... But instead, Eddie just shut him out more. They all did.

Even when everyone was treating him like shit, Buck still wanted to reach out and make sure they were ok.

Buck always wore his heart on his sleeve. It was Eddie's favourite part about him. But it also mean that, unfortunately, his heart was an easy target.

Eddie knew that, and yet, he and the team had used Buck's heart against him.

"Oh, Buck..." He whispered to himself shamefully. He'll see his best friend at work tomorrow and make everything right again.

With that promise to himself, Eddie stood from the couch, hearing his knees crack from the movement, and made his way to the bedroom, ready to collapse in bed and sleep this horrible fucking day away.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Chapter Text

"CHRIS!! CHRIS! STAY THERE!"

Water. Everywhere.

"BUCK!"

Muscles on fire, tearing through saltwater.

"HOLD ON, I'M COMING!"

Eyes stinging, blood drizzling down his face.

"BUCK! I CAN'T HOLD ON!"

Chris, being ripped away.

"CHRIS! NO!

Watching as the young boy was taken out to sea.

"CHRISTOPHER!!!"

Fighting with all his might but not being able to move.

"NO!! NOOO!! CHRISTOPHER!!"

There was nothing he could do.

"TAKE ME INSTEAD!!"

There are hands on him.

There are voices.

Are they saying his name?

The hands are dragging him underwater.

He tries to claw his way back up, Christopher's name on his tongue as he screamed, only bubbles releasing from his mouth.

"Buck!"

He fought.

"Buck!!"

So many hands. All dragging him into the darkness below. Away from Chris.

"Buck, wake up!!"

He had to save Chris!!

"Buck, Please!! Wake up!!"

"CHRISTOPHER!!!"

Buck's voice tore out his throat as he sat up, violently kicking himself away from the hands on him as he backed away, hitting his head on the railing behind him.

It was bright.

All he could see was white

The voices were back, merging into one.

The hands were trying to grab him again.

No.

"Buck, it's me! You're safe!"

Safe?! How is he safe?! He's not safe! Christopher isn't safe! He needed to save Christopher!!

"Buck!! Chris is at home! He's ok!"

What was the voice talking about??

He'd watched Chris be carried away by the murky, debris filled water. He'd heard Chris scream his name, pleading for Buck to come and get him, to save him, before the young voice vanished, leaving Buck with nothing but the sound of his own spluttering and the waves crashing against him.

"I promise you, Buck! Christopher is at home! He's safe! I need you to hear me!"

At that, Buck blinked, rapid and frantic, as if trying to rid the saltwater from his eyes.

His chest heaved with ragged, panicked breaths, every inhale scraping like broken glass in his lungs.

The blinding brightness around him was beginning to register, though only slightly. He could just make out the room, his bedroom, and that the hands trying to grab him were... Familiar?

After a few moments of trying to claw his way back to the present, and out of his head, his eyes finally focused on the owner of the voice.

His panicked, dull, blue eyes, met terrified, sharp, brown ones.

No matter how much time passes, Buck would recognise them anywhere.

Eddie.

"Why- What- Eddie... Why are you here?!" He demanded between heaving breaths, throwing a hand to his chest to feel his heart beating a mile a minute under his skin.

"it's one in the afternoon, Buck! Cap sent me to check on you after being so late for your shift."

WHAT...

"N- No... I- No. It can't be... No I only fell asleep like-" He checked his watch, trying desperately to read the time as his arm shook from fear. It'd been over twelve hours... How is that even possible?

"I don't-... Oh my god, Cap's gonna kill me." Buck mumbled to himself before jumping out of bed so fast his head spun, causing Eddie to catch hold of him to stop him from toppling over.

"Woah, woah, hey!!" Eddie urged, causing Buck to wince as the loud volume vibrated his eardrums.

Did he have a headache?

Probably.

"Get off me." He demanded breathlessly, fighting against Eddie's grip. Though, of course, it was no use.

On a good day, Buck could pick Eddie up and hold him in the air with one hand, but right now? He could barely hold himself up on his own two legs. In fact, Eddie's hold on him was the only thing keeping him on his feet right now.

"Buck, can you look at me?"

No.

"Buck, please?"

The nerve he has to ask Buck for anything.

"Get off me, Eddie." Buck ordered again, harshly pulling away in short bursts of energy, like a dog tearing at a chew toy.

Eventually, Eddie reluctantly let go, and Buck collapsed to the hardwood floor, just catching hold of the railing in time before falling down the staircase.

His breathing was still all over the place, his blood rushing in his ears. Eddie was saying something again but Buck couldn't even begin to tell what any of the words were.

He needed to get out.

He couldn't let Eddie see him like this! He'd already caused so much trouble, God knows what would happen if Eddie told Bobby that he had to wake Buck up from a nightmare, in the middle of the day, during a time where he should've been at work.

"Buck, you're not going anywhere!"

Fuck did he say that out loud?

"Cap was worried about you! That's why he sent me."

Buck's heart pounded harder at Eddie’s words, shame and embarrassment tangling like barbed wire in his chest.

“He didn’t need to be,” Buck snapped, though his voice cracked halfway through. “I’m fine.”

“No. You’re not” Eddie said softly but firmly, crouching beside him, taking a seat on the top step to stop any possibility of Buck falling down the staircase.

“You didn’t show up for work. You weren't answering your phone. You’ve got bags under your eyes and your skin’s pale as hell. Buck... You just had a nightmare so bad I thought you were choking.”

Buck flinched. The memory of water forcing it's way into his lungs flashing in his mind. “Don’t- Don’t say that.”

Eddie blinked. “Buck-”

“No!” Buck shoved himself up to a sitting position, curling into himself as he gripped the back of his neck. “You don’t get to show up like this and act like my knight in shining armour. You don't get to act you care when you couldn’t even look at me. I know I hurt you! I know I hurt all of you... But when I walked into the loft yesterday morning... And saw you all eating without me?... Being left to clear up on my own and then ignored? Forced to do all these dumbass chores and left behind on calls? When I got home last night, I just felt like I wanted to-" Buck stopped, fighting back a sharp breath that caught in his throat as he looked away in shame.

He almost let it slip.

Those thoughts that attacked his mind for hours last night. Ones he'd held inside for years. He almost let them slip out carelessly to Eddie.

"You wanted to what, Buck?" Eddie asked after a moment, and Buck could tell Eddie was anxiously holding his breath.

Should he tell Eddie?

Would Eddie judge him?

He hated Buck, right? So maybe telling him wouldn't cause any problems?

He knows Eddie may tell Bobby... But was there really anything more Bobby could take from him? It's not like he was being allowed to work the way he wanted, maybe he could risk it all. Maybe Eddie was so angry with him that he'd tell him to go through with it. At least that way Buck didn't have to make the decision himself.

"I wanted to... Not... Be here... Anymore."

There it was.

The truth was out there now and there was no taking it back.

Buck felt Eddie tense beside him, and immediately turned his body away to stop the temptation of meeting the older man's eyes. All it would do was hurt more anyway.

The silence was deafening.

He wanted to scream. To beg Eddie to say something. But instead he just froze, like a deer in headlights.

"Buck..." Eddie's voice sounded strained, like he was holding back a tidal wave of emotions that were bubbling at the surface. "Please tell me you don't mean that. That- That you don't mean what I think you mean."

Buck shrugged, still facing away from his ex best friend, lowering his head to stare at his ground floor through the cracks in the staircase.

"It's not like it'd make any difference for you guys. You're all already pretending I'm not there. I'm exhausting, remember? Might as well make it easier for everyo-"

Buck's words were cut off but a sudden warm embrace around his torso. A pair of arms were wrapped around him, holding him in place, as the older man beside him rested his head against Buck's shoulder.

Taken by surprise, Buck flinched, and tried to free himself, but it was no use. Eddie's hold on him was too tight, and not even the strongest man in the world could remove this steel grip.

It was in that moment that Buck heard sniffling against his shoulder, and could almost feel a wet patch forming on his shirt.

Eddie was crying.

"I'm sorry. I'm so- Buck, I'm so sorry."

The brunette was sobbing into Buck's shirt right now, but all Buck could do was freeze in place.

He hates seeing Eddie cry... He hates being the cause of Eddie crying even more.

Also, why was Eddie apologising?

Buck felt that drifting feeling start to sink in again, filling his mind like steam building up under a closed saucepan lid.

Maybe that's what this was.

Eddie wasn't really here.

Buck was still asleep, dreaming of his ex best friend holding him close and crying on his shoulder, telling him things he's wanted to hear for weeks.

Wow... his subconscious was cruel as fuck!

"Buck?"

Why couldn't he get a fucking break?!

"Buck, hey!"

Buck's head snapped up from the sudden loud voice.

He met Eddie's eyes.

Fake Eddie's eyes.

He was sat in front of Buck now, his eyes red and glassy, his hands shaking on Buck's shoulder and arm.

When did Eddie move?

God, his brain really was messing with him.

"Buck... Are you hearing me?"

Buck blinked hard, like he was trying to wake himself up from this... Nightmare?

Through the fog, he could feel his heart hammering in his chest, pounding harshly against his ribcage as he struggled to piece together what was real and what wasn’t.

Eddie’s hands were warm. That felt real. But it couldn't be, right?

"Buck?"

Oh right... 'Eddie' had asked him a question.

“I don’t…” Buck’s voice cracked, feeling foreign on his tongue as he stared into 'Eddie's' eyes with confusion. “I don’t know?"

"Ok," 'Eddie' sighed, sniffling and clearing his throat before he reached down to take Buck's hands into his own.

Warm.

Solid.

They felt real.

"Buck, I'm here. It's Eddie. I'm sat here, in front of you, at the top of your staircase, in your loft. It's 1:25pm, Wednesday the 7th of June, you're safe, I promise."

"No..." Buck muttered, shaking his head from side to side and trying to rip his hands from Eddie's grip. "No, you're not here. I'm- I'm asleep. D- Dreaming... You- Eddie wants nothing to do with me."

"No, Buck, please just liste-" Fake Eddie was interrupted by a sudden loud ringing.

The sound made Buck feel like his head was going to explode. He tore his hands away from 'Eddie' and threw them to his ears, clamping over them and squeezed his eyes shut.

The ringing stopped quickly after, only to be replaced by a hushed voice, muffled by Buck's hands.

"Yeah, Cap, I'm here with him," 'Eddie' whispered. "No, he isn't. He, um, it's not good, Bobby. I know, but I don't want to leave him like this."

Buck tried to listen in, wondering what Fake Bobby was saying to Fake Eddie.

"He's said some things that's terrified me, Bobby... No, no, you don't understand... Cap, he's not with it right now. He thinks I'm not real... Cap, with all due respect, I don't think hearing your voice will help the situation right now."

Fake Bobby wanted to talk to him?

Well that obviously shows that this isn't real.

Real Bobby wouldn't want to talk to him after what he did! He hates Buck after the lawsuit. He only puts up with him out of obligation as his Captain.

"Are you sure?" Fake Eddie's voice started filtering in again. "Yeah, that'd be fine! I can bring him in... I just... Cap, he isn't himself right now, it's- Yeah... Yeah, you're right. Ok, we'll see you in an hour or so."

Wait what? Fake Eddie was taking him somewhere?

Buck watched as Fake Eddie said goodbye and repocketed his phone, before taking his spot in front of Buck again.

"Hey, bud... Listen, I'm going to take you with me to the station, ok? Everyone misses you and wants to see you. Is that ok?"

Was that ok?

Buck wasn't sure.

This was a dream after all, maybe seeing the fake versions of Hen, Chim and Bobby would help? At least they'd talk to him, unlike their real versions.

Buck nodded hesitantly, and took Fake Eddie's hands as he reached out to help him up.

Buck hoped his alarm wouldn't go off any time soon. He really wanted to go through the rest of this dream without the risk of waking up too soon.

Chapter Text

This dream was unlike any others Buck's had before. It felt so real. But it couldn't be... There was no way.

Fake Eddie got him downstairs to the truck, buckled him in, jumped in the driver's seat, and started their journey to the station with one hand resting on him somewhere at all times.

Shoulder.

Arm.

Knee.

Even once on his neck, like Fake Eddie was checking his pulse.

This is something Real Eddie did all the time!

On the way to the hospital after the truck bombing,

driving Buck home from the hospital after the truck bombing,

sitting with Buck in the hospital after the embolism,

driving Buck home from the hospital after the embolism,

sitting with Buck in the hospital after the tsunami,

driving Buck home from the hospital after the tsunami...

As well as an occasional few times here and there when Real Eddie could almost sense that Buck needed calming down.

At the time, Buck took it for granted. He put it down to Eddie fussing over him. But he knows the truth now, as he feels Fake Eddie's hand on him. All he can think about is how much he misses Real Eddie's touch, and how calm it made him in those moments of exhaustion and uncertainty.

Eddie always knew.

So it'd make sense for Fake Eddie to know too.

Of course, Fake Eddie had nothing on Real Eddie, but with how much Real Eddie hated him right now, Fake Eddie would have to do.

"Almost there, bud," Fake Eddie assured him. "Hen's gonna make you some of that cinnamon hot cocoa you like, Chim's grabbing your favourite weighted blanket from the bunk room, and Cap is already working on a hot meal for you, because I know you've not eaten for over 24 hours."

Buck liked this dream. He liked this dream a lot.

"You're not dreaming, Buck. This is real. I'm real!"

Sure... as if the real versions of all of them would be doing all this for him right now.

"Dios..." Fake Eddie muttered, and Buck vaguely registered the hand in his knee squeezing tightly, like a grounding technique. Though was it to ground Buck? Or himself?

Buck let himself melt into the touch as he drifted further away. This was nice. Having Eddie there with him, talking to him, caring about him... He'd missed this so much.

Shame it was all in his head.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The pair arrived at the station within the next 10 minutes, and Eddie was relieved to see Hen, Chim and Bobby waiting for them at the main entrance.

He jumped out and sped around to the passenger door, helping Chim get Buck out of the truck.

"Hey buddy, Eddie tells us you're not feeling too great? Let's get you inside and sat down, yeah?"

"No I- I feel amazing, Chim," Buck replied with a dopey smile, his eyes glazed over and hazy. "Best dream I've had in a while."

"Dream?" Hen whispered to Eddie as she walked with him behind Chim and Bobby, who had Buck in their arms.

"He thinks we're not real... He's been dissociative and occasionally unresponsive for the last 40 minutes or so and I can't snap him out of it."

Hen sighed beside him and ran a hand anxiously over the back of her neck, before the two of them picked up the pace to help Bobby and Chimney get Buck up the staircase to the loft.

Once Buck was situated on the couch, Chim went and grabbed the weighted blanket, and Hen brought over the hot cocoa, taking a seat beside him and taking his hands into her own while she spoke to him, trying to bring him back to the present. Bobby pulled Eddie aside to quietly ask for details.

"You told me on the phone that some of the things Buck said to you was 'terrifying'? Can I ask what they were?"

Eddie wiped at his face, realising that his eyes had started watering again without permission. He looked up at Bobby and struggled to get the words out as he recalled what Buck had said.

"He wanted to-" Eddie sucked in a breath through his nose, fighting a sob making its way out his mouth. "He told me he thought about... leaving... last night."

"Leaving? Leaving how? The department? The city?"

"No, Cap... Leaving like..."

Eddie couldn't get it out, it was on the tip of his tongue but he just couldn't do it. The words tasted like acid.

Bobby must have realised just by how Eddie was reacting. Maybe he was crying again? He wasn't sure.

"Oh..." Bobby muttered, his head instantly snapping over to look at Buck, who was staring at the mug of cocoa on the table. Even with Hen talking beside him, trying to get him to listen, it was like he wasn't even there! Mentally, anyway.

"My god..." The Captain whispered, his own eyes watering. "What have I done?"

Chimney pulled the pair from their thoughts as he brushed past Eddie with the blanket. "Right now we need you two to not get stuck in your heads as well. Buck is the priority. He needs us, let's not let him down more than we already have."

They nodded and made their way over, hearing Hen try desperately to get through to Buck.

"-tell me how you're feeling right now, sweetheart?" She asked lovingly, rubbing her hands over Buck's knuckles.

"Happy... So happy... I've missed you guys so much." Buck replied, that same grin still on his face. Everyone would've smiled under difference circumstances, well, if they weren't filled with overwhelming guilt that is... But seeing how lifeless Buck's eyes were above the smile, was enough to pull at every string of anxiety coursing through them.

"That's- That's great, Buck, but... How- How does your body feel? Can you tell me if you're feeling ok physically?"

Even with the smile plastered on his face, one that was a little off putting to be honest, Buck looked a little confused at that question.

"I don't- yeah, I mean... Does it matter? This isn't my real body right? That's why- Why I don't feel anything? Floaty... Numb... Dream bodies aren't real bodies."

Hen met Eddie's gaze with a concerned expression, looking almost lost as to how to deal with this.

"Ok, I'm gonna wrap this around you, alright?" Chim said softly, reaching out towards Buck with the weighted blanket. "I want you to tell me if you can feel it, ok? It's the one you love from the bunk room, the one you said helps when you're feeling overstimulated after calls. So hopefully it'll help you now with that floaty feeling? Make it go away so you're back with us."

The team watched Buck clumsily fight against the blanket, pushing it away from his shoulders as his breathing began to pick up.

"No I- I don't want it gone... Don't wanna wake up. I need you- I can't- I can't be left behind anymore."

In that moment all four of them felt like monsters.

Buck was their family!

Hen and Chim's little brother,

Bobby's pseudo son,

Eddie's...

Eddie's everything.

And yet they had treated him like the dirt on the bottom of their boots for so long, just because he was fighting, so hard, to get back to them. He used the only option he had left! And instead of trying to understand it from his perspective, they shut him out and abandoned him instead.

Now here he was, wanting to stay in this dissociative state, believing that they were a dream because they were being nice to him.

Eddie hasn't been religious in many years, but in this moment, he silently prayed and repented for everything he did to Buck. All the pain he'd caused out of spite.

Keeping Christopher from him,

ignoring him,

calling him names,

everything...

Eddie Diaz and his team had hurt Buck so bad that last night he considered ending his own life.

That is something that'd haunt Eddie for the rest of his days.

He felt his knees buckle and hit the ground, frantically reaching out for any part of Buck his hands landed on.

"I'm so sorry- Oh my god, Buck. I'm so sorry!"

'As if sorry could fix this' Eddie thought to himself as he spoke. He'd done this earlier and it made Buck retreat into his own head so much he now thinks he's dreaming.

He looked up to see Buck staring at him with that same confused expression. The blonde must be so far back in his mind that he didn't have a clue what was really going on around him.

Bobby slowly made his way over, kneeling in front of Buck on the ground. He glanced at the others and gave a reassuring nod.

"I want to try something." He muttered. Eddie moved to sit beside Buck on the couch, keeping one hand on him at all times, like the younger man would disappear at any moment... Maybe he already had.

"Ok Buck, We're gonna play a little game, alright? I'm gonna list objects around the room and I want you to tell me what you think they'd feel like, smell like, and taste like. Can you do that?"

Buck looked hesitant, but nodded.

Bobby gave a soft but sad smile and knealt back on his heels, before pointing behind himself at the cabinet around the TV.

"That candle over there, with the blue lid, how do you think that would feel, smell, and taste?"

There was a beat of silence where Buck's gaze tried to find what it was Bobby was point it, before smiling.

"Eddie bought that," Buck whispered, his mouth responding weakly like he was trying to regain the use of it. "It's vanilla scented. It smells like Eddie's house. It feels smooth but hard, and I imagine the taste would be like eating a crayon."

Everyone let out a soft giggle at that.

"You ever eat crayons, kid?" Bobby replied jokingly, trying to stay lighthearted as he stared into Buck's vacant eyes.

Buck nodded a little. "Maddie used to have to put them up on a high shelf because I'd chew on them."

At the childhood memory, the team noticed a little life return to Buck's features, like it was grounding him.

Bobby hoped his plan was working.

"Ok, next object. The spatula in the top drawer with the green and gold handle."

Once again, a moment of silence, like Buck was racking his brain to remember the object Bobby was talking about.

"I bought that. For your birthday, last year." He replied quietly. "You said it's your good luck charm with every meal you make."

"Its true! Best spatula I've ever owned. Now can you answer the three questions about it? What does it feel like? What does it smell like? What does it taste like?"

Before Buck even began answering, more light returned ever so slowly to his eyes. The team could see he was starting to come back.

"It feels rubbery on the handle, but metal on the actual spatula part. I think it probably smells like rubber, or maybe the last meal you used it for. It'd taste like that too."

"Good," Bobby replied, sending a look of relief at the trio around him. "You're doing great, Buck."

"Am I winning the game?"

"Yeah, of course you are! Let's do one more, ok?"

Buck nodded, looking almost excited now. A smile appeared on his face again and this time it looked genuine. Eddie shed a tear at the sight.

"How about that over there?" Bobby gestured to his left, towards the stand next to Hen. He wondered if he could get Buck to identify the object without specifying what it was.

Buck glanced over, his eyes landing on a lavender plant inside a clay plant pot that was the shape of a firetruck.

"Chris..." Buck muttered, the smile on his face growing.

Christopher had grown that lavender plant himself, at school, and then created a firetruck shaped plant pot in art class to put it in. He wanted to give the 118 a gift for all their hard work during the tsunami.

Buck had helped him paint it.

"Yeah... What does it feel like?"

"Smooth. Shiny. Chris did a great job with the texture."

Chim, Hen and Eddie shared a loving look.

"He did indeed! What about smell?"

"Lavender. I love lavender... Reminds me of Maddie."

Chim chuckled. "Me too. She always buys lavender scented shampoo. Makes the house smell amazing." He agreed, running his thumb comfortingly over Buck's shoulder.

Final question. Bobby's gonna switch it up.

"How does it make you feel?"

"Loved."

Buck had answered without hesitation. It came out like an automated response, like it just slotted into place without thought.

And it was in that moment that Buck's mind finally broke free of its hazy, floating prison.

He blinked slowly, coming back to reality as his eyes met each of his family's gaze.

"You are loved, Buck. So much! And we're all so sorry that we made you feel like you weren't." Hen told him, reaching out for his shoulder as tears gathered in his eyes.

"I'm not-... I'm not dreaming am I?"

Hen squeezed him gently in response, and Eddie took his hand into his own.

"No, bud. This is real."

The levee broke.

Tears were streaming,

breaths were hitching,

hands were shaking.

Chapter Text

Minutes passed before anyone attempted to say anything. All eyes were on Buck's trembling body, watching him closely and refusing to make any sudden movement.

"I'm sorry..." Buck muttered, his voice broken and raspy. "I- All I've done is cause you grief and... now I'm even doing it without even realising." He tried to jump to his feet, wanting nothing more than to escape from the situation he's caused, but was immediately grabbed by Eddie.

"You are not going anywhere. Not after all of this, Buck. Sit down... Please."

Buck froze at Eddie’s words. Not because of the command, but because of the way he said it. He was desperate, shaking, like the thought of Buck walking away would shatter him.

Buck and Eddie could hate eachother, and Buck still would never say no to him. He couldn't. So, slowly, hesitantly, he sank back onto the couch, Eddie’s hand still gripping his wrist tightly like a lifeline neither of them were really ready to let go of.

"Look, guys, you don't need to do this," Buck started again, lowering his head to stare at the ground. "I don't- I don't know what happened- I can't really remember, but... You don't need to feel bad, ok? I get it... I don't need your guilt, I'll just-"

"Buck." Hen interrupted, placing a hand on the younger man's knee. "We caused you so much pain your brain made you believe that us being nice to you was a dream. Please just... Let us do this? We've hurt you so much and you deserved none of it."

Buck's glassy eyes met Hen's for a moment before giving a small nod.

The group glanced at eachother, silently deciding who to go first.

Bobby took the stand.

"Buck," He started, leaning forward to make sure he was at the other man's eye level. "I don't think any amount of words could ever do justice for how sorry I am. You have been treated terribly since this lawsuit started, and that is completely on me. I took your choice away, your ability to make your own decisions as a grown man, because I was scared of losing you... But that was wrong. And when you tried to fight for those rights back, I punished you for it instead."

Bobby took one of Buck's shaking hands into his own and squeezed it, though unable to ignore the slight pull back in Buck's reaction. The blonde was doing everything he could to avoid Bobby's gaze, his blue eyes pooling with tears as he listened to what Bobby had to say.

"Buck, the thought of losing you, especially after the three close calls you've had recently, is something I never want to think about again. And that isn't an excuse, but it is the reason why I did what I did. You mean too much to me, kid... I can't lose another chil-"

"I'm not your child, Bobby." Buck said abruptly, pulling his hand away from his Captain's grip to wipe away the tears in his eyes. He regretted the word the moment they left his mouth, he didn't believe them either, but his anger wasn't going to let him back down now.

"Yes, you're like a second father to me... without a doubt a better father than the one I was given at birth! But that does not give you the right to make these kinds of decisions for me when I am my own person. You didn't do it for Chim, you didn't do it for Eddie, therefore you cannot treat me differently just because you see me as some kind of adopted, dumbass kid that you decided to take under your wing."

"No, Buck I know, but-"

"You said you're worried about losing me? When last night you may have been one of the reasons I decided to..."

Hen couldn't help the sob that broke through her.

"Look," Buck sighed, trying again. "F- forget that... I, um, I appreciate what you're trying to do... and maybe if I was still trapped in that headspace where I thought this was all a hallucination or whatever, I'd have no problem in forgiving you, all of you, but you're too late."

It wasn't true. Not at all. But they didn't need to know that right now. Not until Buck had said his piece.

"I have been trying for WEEKS to get back to you all. Before I came back to work yesterday, I was trying to reach out to all of you to make amends and you wanted none of it. I was so excited to get in yesterday morning and hopefully have things finally go back to normal, but it was YOU who didn't want to try. You cannot come crawling back to me now just because Eddie told you I wanted to kill myself-"

"Buck-"

"No, Eddie!" He snapped back at the brunette. All the sadness and guilt from before was gone, replaced by hurt and anger that seemed to radiate through his body like electric pulses. "All I wanted was my family back! But I was turned away... left to do chores... ignored... When you all got back from that call, I didn't see a single one of you for hours!"

"It was a hard one, Buck. You weren't there-" Chim countered weakly, trying to defend himself.

"EXACTLY!" Buck interrupted, turning to face Chim with fire in his eyes. "I wasn't there, but I should've been!! Maybe I could've helped with whatever happened. But no. Instead, I was benched. I was told to do chores! And when I tried to ask you all what happened and if you were ok, all I got were sarcastic comments and the cold shoulder."

"You're right..." Bobby whispered after a beat of silence. "The second we arrived at that call, and I saw the damage, my first instinct was to call on you... But you weren't there. Then several innocent people lost their lives because I chose to be spiteful to the one person who didn't deserve it."

That made something in Buck snap back to the red side of his inner guilt-to-metre. All the betrayal and anger from a moment ago vanished in the blink of an eye as he thought over Bobby's words.

People had died yesterday. They died because he wasn't there to help.

He began picturing the snowball effect from this gigantic fuck up.

He got hurt,

which lead to him becoming impatient,

which lead to the lawsuit.

The lawsuit then ruined his relationship with the team,

and broke their trust,

which lead to Bobby benching him...

Which mean Buck was the reason innocent people were dead.

"Buck!"

The blonde jolted at the sound loud noise, his eyes flying to the source of the voice.

Blue met brown.

"We're not going to let you fall back into your own head. Not again." Eddie assured him, rubbing a thumb over Buck's shoulder.

"It's my fault..." Buck muttered.

Eddie shook his head firmly, the grip on Buck’s shoulder tightening ever so slightly. “No. It’s not your fault. None of this is on you.”

Buck laughed bitterly, a sound that made Hen flinch and Chim look away. “Really? Because it feels like it is. I mean, Bobby just said people died because I wasn't there!”

"That's not what I meant, Kid." Bobby argued, though softly. The Captain had a lot of experience with the inner workings of Buck's mind at this point... The good, the bad, the joy, the guilt, all of it. Which is also why he hates himself right now for purposefully hurting Buck out if spite and anger. He knew how this would effect Buck and he still did it anyway.

"I know you feel guilty right now... But you have nothing to be guilty for." Bobby continued. "I benched you to be cruel, because I thought you needed to be punished for the lawsuit, but that was incredibly wrong of me to do and you've done nothing to deserve being punished for."

Buck huffed and threw his hands into his hair. "But if I hadn't of gone through with that stupid lawsuit, I would've been there!! And those people wouldn't have died!"

"Buck," Bobby tried again. "You wouldn't have been there. Because if you hadn't of filed the lawsuit, I still would've been keeping you off work out of my own fear. Going through this has made me realise how wrong I was... Beacaue you're right! I was treating you differently, and it wasn't fair. At least you going through with the lawsuit meant you still got what you wanted in the first place, being back at work. Because I know I would've fought to keep you off for as long as possible."

Buck scoffed. "Yeah... and a lot of good it got me... Think I would've rather be kept off work all together than be benched and put through the shit you all have done. Wish I could've seen the future before stepping into that damn office."

Everyone fell silent, unsure of what to say next, also because the guilt was wrapping tightly around their vocal cords.

"All I've wanted, since that truck crushed my leg, was to be standing right here, in my uniform, with all of you, like it always has been. But now I'm not even sure if that's something that can happen again after this... I-" Buck stopped and bit his bottom lip, sucking in a sharp breath as he stared at the ground.

"I forgive you," He whispered. "Because I don't have it in my heart to stay mad at you. I probably should...But I can't. You're my family, or at least you're supposed to be anyway. So, I forgive you. But it's going to take a hell of a lot for me to forget this... That's if I even can. It hurt. I can't even put into words how much this has hurt, but I'm just glad it's coming to an end now."

Everyone nodded. Eddie couldn't help the tears in his eyes as he listened. Knowing he caused Buck so much pain brought a type of self hatred into his heart he couldn't even describe.

The fact Buck found the ability to forgive them after all of this clenched Eddie's chest so tight he could barely breathe. He didn't deserve Buck's forgiveness, not even a little, none of them did, but, again, Buck has always worn his heart on his sleeve, and said heart is so big and full of love, it's incapable of holding anger and grudges for long, if at all.

Buck inhaled again and raised his head, making direct eye contact with Bobby as he opened his mouth to speak again.

"I'm gonna go home, and I'll be back for my next shift, because I know I'm late for my one today, and I don't think I'm in the right mind to work right now. On my next shift, I will be going back on calls, I won't be condemned to only doing chores, and I'll have my seat back at the table when we eat. That is all I ask."

Bobby swallowed and nodded. "You have my word, Buck. And for what it's worth, your seat at the table has always been available... even when it felt like it wasn't."

Buck didn't reply, but nodded back, unsure if he believes it. He starts heading for the stairs when Eddie calls his name.

His heart stops, preparing for whatever his ex best friend had to day.

"I'm working tomorrow evening and need someone to watch Christopher. Carla's out of town. Would you like to do it?" Eddie asked, not quite able to meet Buck's eyes for more than a second.

Eddie expected him to say no. He expected him to scoff, shake his head, and make a comment about how Eddie couldn't just use Christopher to get out of every wrong thing he'd done. He expected this because Buck would've been right in doing so.

But instead...

"I'd like that... Bring him over for 7ish."

Eddie felt like his head had just come up for air in the first time in hours. All he could do was nod due to his sudden loss of words, and Buck turned back to the stairs.

"Buck."

Bobby this time.

God, first they don't want him around, and now they don't want him to leave.

He faces his Captain.

"If I let you leave now, are you going to be safe?"

Ah... Oh yeah... Buck had forgotten about the suicidal revelation the team had heard today.

"Yes. I promise." He said, and he hoped his voice was enough to convince them. Because for the first time since he started getting those thoughts, he truly did feel safe.

The worst was over for now, and though he didn't feel 100%, and probably wouldn't for a while, he was confident in assuring his team that he'd definitely be alive the next time they saw him.

"I get to spend tomorrow evening with my favourite kid. I'm not going anywhere." He said with a ghost of a smile.

"Good. But as your Captain, I want you to at least consider speaking with a therapist. Please. And as your friend, I want you to know you can always come to me if you need me. That's never changed and it never will."

"Same here" Chim added.

"Always, Buck." Hen said, nodding.

"My door is open to you whenever and if ever you need it." Eddie promised.

Hearing those words made the ghostly smile on Buck's face turn into a little more visible one, and he nodded once again. A silent thank you. Before making his way down the staircase and out of the station.

As he stood on the sidewalk waiting for his uber he'd just ordered, he thought back on everything that had just happened.

He felt better. Not completely, but better than he was.

He felt satisfied. With how he dealt with the situation, as well as with telling everyone about how they made him feel.

He felt pride. In himself for how he carried himself through it, and for making sure he got his point across without everything turning into a screaming match.

When the uber finally arrived, Buck felt a genuine smile on his face for the first time in so long! And even sent a message to Maddie to ask if she wanted to meet up tomorrow morning for breakfast, something they've not done for weeks.

She messaged back instantly sounding incredibly happy to hear from her baby brother and agreed immediately.

Breakfast with his sister in the morning?

Taking care of Christopher tomorrow evening?

Sounds like the best day Buck has had in a while.

Tomorrow was, absolutely, going to be such a good day.