Chapter Text
Direct Messages between Peter the Panda and Perry the Platypus
Perry: Sometimes I seriously question how Dr. D and I ended up being friends.
Peter: My guess is that it’s because he’s fun and caring. Also, I’m pretty sure you secretly enjoy his chaos.
Perry: Well, I certainly don’t enjoy it today.
Peter: What happened? Is everyone okay?
Perry: Everyone’s fine. It wasn’t anything dangerous. At least not as dangerous as sometimes. I just cannot wrap my head around what part of him thought it was a good idea for class.
Peter: And his idea was?
Perry: He was trying to demonstrate something about chemistry. Honestly, I can’t remember what the point was. Anyway, long story short, there was a flood of ice cream through the school.
Peter: Come on, Perry, that sounds like so much fun.
Perry: It was not fun. It turns out that swimming through ice cream is just about impossible, and getting ice cream out of my fur is even more impossible. Not to mention that Principal Lang got involved this time, and now Dr. D’s on thin ice, which makes my job a lot more difficult. Especially since he refuses to just have normal class for a while.
Peter: Probably because he can’t comprehend the fact that most classes don’t tend to have exciting, somewhat dangerous, demonstrations.
Perry: I know. It just gets so exhausting trying to hold things together sometimes.
Peter: That’s the catch-22 of being the best at your job. You have a lot to deal with. Seriously, though, I’m sure things will work out. The kids like Dr. D, right?
Perry: Yes…
Peter: And they’re learning?
Perry: I think so. They definitely know a lot more about lab safety at least.
Peter: Then Dr. D’s not getting fired.
Perry: He is if he burns down the school.
Peter: Surely you can prevent that from happening.
Perry: Hopefully.
Peter: Look, there’s no point in worrying. You’re doing your best, Dr. D’s doing his best, the students are okay. There’s not much more you can do.
Perry: I suppose.
Peter: What flavor of ice cream was it?
Perry: Seriously?
Peter: I’m sorry, but I’m still not completely convinced that it wouldn’t be fun to experience a flood of ice cream.
Perry: It was vanilla. Dr. D thought that would be “the least controversial flavor.”
Peter: See, that shows some forethought, right?
Perry: Right, because if it had been chocolate ice cream, that would have made things so much worse. My hat is an absolute mess!
Peter: Yeah, okay. I’ll accept that it wasn't a good experience for you.
Perry: Thank you. It would be one thing if this was an isolated event, but this has been happening more and more lately. I’ll point out some sort of problem with his lesson plan, and he’ll just ignore me.
Peter: Have you tried to talk to him about that?
Peter: Perry? You there?
Perry: Sorry, there’s yelling coming from upstairs.
Peter: What kind of yelling?
Perry: I’m not sure. There’s a lot of yelling at my house as a general rule. It’s hard to avoid, what with three energetic kids who have tons of friends. Still, something feels off. I think I’m going to go check up on what’s going on.
Peter: All right. I hope everything’s okay.
Direct Messages between Perry the Platypus and Stacy Hirano
Perry: Hey, do you want to talk, Stacy?
Stacy: What do you think?
Perry: I honestly have no idea. I’m not you, and honestly, I’m not even sure what happened.
Stacy: Fine. The answer is no.
Perry: Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.
Direct Messages between Perry the Platypus and Stacy Hirano
Perry: Stacy, did you really tell Candace she’s delusional?
Stacy: Oh, come on! She is!
Perry: About what?
Stacy: Everything!
Perry: I don’t even know what that means.
Stacy: Just that she’s a horrible friend, and I don’t want to talk to her. Not now, and maybe not ever!
Perry: What’s going on with you? Do you know how upset Candace is right now?
Stacy: Of course you take her side! If you weren’t there, then why are you only listening to her side of the story?
Perry: I’m trying to ask you what happened! You’re the one attacking my kid.
Stacy: Right. You’re such a great friend until someone dares to suggest that one of your kids isn’t this perfect prodigy who can do no wrong.
Perry: Stacy, you know that isn’t true. Look, all I want to know is what you think happened.
Stacy: It’s none of your business what happened, okay?
Perry: I’m not angry at you, Stacy. I know Candace can overreact sometimes. I truly just want to understand what happened between you two. Then maybe I can help.
Stacy: Yeah, well, maybe I don’t want your help! You don’t need to know all the details about our relationship!
Perry: You do realize I already have access to a lot of details, right? Candace tells me pretty much everything.
Stacy: Because you’re a liar who pretends you can’t understand a word she’s saying?
Perry: No, because she trusts me not to tell anyone.
Stacy: She wouldn’t trust you if she knew the truth.
Perry: Stacy, I know you’re upset. If you need some time, that’s fine. If you have anything you want to tell me, I’ll be here.
Stacy: I don’t need time, and I certainly don’t need to talk to a guy who spies on his own family. Has it ever occurred to you that the only reason Candace tells you anything is because she doesn’t see a difference between you and her stuffed animals?
Perry: Okay. Goodbye, Stacy.
Direct Messages between Peter the Panda and Perry the Platypus
Perry: Hey.
Peter: Hi, Perry. Did you figure out what the shouting was about?
Perry: Yes. Candace and Stacy got into a fight.
Peter: That’s not good. What happened?
Perry: I don’t know. Candace is really upset, so she isn’t communicating super clearly. Not that it matters. I’m used to connecting the dots when she’s talking to me.
Peter: What about Stace? How’s she doing?
Perry: Candace must have done something to make her really angry. She didn’t want to talk.
Peter: Do you know anything?
Perry: I do know that Stacy called Candace delusional. I’m trying to stay neutral, but it’s really hard not to be angry at her for that.
Peter: Any specific reason?
Perry: Candace’s own mother thinks she’s imagining every single invention the boys make. She spends so much time feeling unbelieved, and now her best friend, who knows she’s telling the truth, is saying she’s imagining things too. Stacy knows how much that hurts.
Peter: That does sound bad, but there must be some sort of explanation. Stacy’s not the kind of person to just randomly decide to be mean. She really doesn’t want to have a conversation with you? Surely she would appreciate having someone to listen to her?
Perry: She’s really upset about things. When I tried to ask her about it, she kind of lashed out at me.
Peter: What did she say?
Perry: It doesn’t matter.
Peter: Then just tell me.
Perry: Why?
Peter: Perry, stop overthinking things and talk to me.
Perry: She said something about how I’m lying to Candace and the rest of my family. It’s fine.
Peter: I’m fairly certain that’s a lie.
Perry: Look, I shouldn’t be upset about this. It’s true. I do lie to them. All the time.
Peter: Buddy, you only do it because you care about them so much. When they found out that one time, they understood, right?
Perry: That doesn’t count. There was so much going on. The kids didn’t have a chance to fully unpack how they were feeling. They were given a choice between letting me be relocated and forgetting everything, and they made a decision.
Peter: Where they all chose to have their memories erased so that you could stay with them! They knew you were a secret agent then, and they still didn’t want to lose you.
Perry: That doesn’t make it right to hide everything from them.
Peter: It’s not your choice, though. If you were allowed to tell them, you would. This is the best option you have.
Perry: I know. It still hurts.
Peter: Of course it does. That’s okay. Just know that they will love you no matter what.
Perry: I can think of several counter-examples to that.
Peter: Oh, buddy. I wish I could convince you. Look, do you want me to talk to Stace? Would that help?
Perry: No. Either she and Candace will make up on their own, or I’ll reach out to Stacy after enough time has passed to dull the anger.
Peter: All right. Love you, buddy.
Perry: Love you too.
Direct Messages between Perry the Platypus and Ferb Fletcher
Ferb: Perry, where are you? I haven’t seen you since this morning.
Perry: Hey, kiddo. I’m with your sister right now.
Ferb: Ah. Do you know why she’s locked herself in her bedroom?
Perry: Yes.
Ferb: Why?
Perry: I can’t tell you that, Ferb.
Ferb: Is it a secret?
Perry: For now.
Ferb: I see.
Perry: Hey, while we’re messaging, can I ask you something?
Ferb: Certainly.
Perry: What are your thoughts about my relationship with you guys?
Ferb: How do you mean?
Perry: You’re the only member of the family who knows I’m not a normal platypus. The rest of the family doesn’t have any idea.
Ferb: That’s because O.W.C.A. won’t let you tell us.
Perry: I know, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilty about it. I’m lying to my own family.
Ferb: Never explicitly.
Perry: That’s not the point. I let them assume I’m a mindless animal, Ferb. Candace tells me all sorts of things because she thinks I don’t understand her.
Ferb: I’m not sure about that. I’ve overheard Candace talking to you a few times, and she always talks to you as though you were a person.
Perry: She talks to her stuffed animals the same way. I’m pretty sure I perform the same function as an inanimate object.
Ferb: Then why would she ever talk to you?
Perry: Because she doesn’t know I’m a secret agent!
Ferb: That wasn’t my point. If you fill the same space as her teddy bear, why would she seek you out to talk to you?
Perry: I don’t know. Does it matter?
Ferb: I think she knows that you understand her at least a little. I think everyone does, deep down. I certainly did even before I knew about your secret.
Perry: Really? How?
Ferb: You’re a fine secret agent, but even you can’t completely feign ambivalence. We all know you respond to us. At least to our emotions.
Perry: I suppose that makes sense.
Ferb: I understand why you aren’t completely open with us, and so would the others.
Perry: Okay. Thank you.
Ferb: Are you feeling better now?
Perry: A bit. I still need to figure out how to cheer Candace up.
Ferb: I don’t recommend hiring a clown to do her makeup.
Perry: I wasn’t planning on it, but thanks for the tip. My current idea is to spend the night with her so she can have some company.
Ferb: Fair enough. Do you want me to bring your food upstairs?
Perry: No. Don’t worry about it.
Ferb: All right. I’ll see you tomorrow then.
Perry: Yep. Have a good night.