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Chapter Text

Buck felt numb. Almost detached from his feelings and he did not know how to make it better. Or he knew how to make it better, but he felt like he would explode if it happened like a geyser waiting to explode. The funeral had happened just a week ago and he is expected to go to work next week. There was some department mandated therapy for each of them. Buck had been seeing Dr Copeland again, but it had been a struggle getting his feelings out. His brain is shrouded with so many words, but his brain will not process them so that he can get them out. Dr Copeland is patient with him, but this is a new Buck for her.

Losing Bobby is the first true personal loss he has ever had. He was more his dad than his Captain. A fact they never acknowledged but it was always there in the subtext. It never needed to be said.

He knows that he can burden Dr Copeland with his feelings but this feels like a loss that he does not know how he can come back from. Not as the same person because that would feel like a stain on Bobby’s memory. Should you become a new person when the person that you most looked up to and changed each other as people in all the years that you have worked together has died. Going into literal fires together and having near death experiences that bonded you together through thick and thin.

Just to have him die in such a pointless, painful and stupid way. They are firefighters. They should be dying trying to save someone in a blaze of glory. Bobby should have been able to die of old age with Athena by his side and living a full and happy life. He deserved it for all that he has had to go through in his life.

‘’Buck? Buck?’’ Dr Copeland said. It sounded like she had been trying to get my attention for a while.

“Buck. You are going to have to talk to me eventually or these sessions are not going to work.”

“I am sorry. I really thought I was going to be ready today.” Buck blinked frustrated tears from his eyes. He is wringing his hands together and he feels he will rub his hands raw by the end of this session. “I always feel ready before I come in. The words just do not want to come out of my mouth the way I want them to.”

“I want to get better..to feel better. I just feel like I am climbing a big hill that I never saw coming. I want to be there for people, but I feel like I have to keep everything so close to my chest or that I have to keep up a front to make everyone feel better sharing with me.”

“It’s okay you are feeling this way, Buck. Everyone has their own way of getting through grief and everyone will process in their own way. I just want you to remember to not let it all bottle up until it explodes. That won't be good for you or anyone around you trying to help. I know that you like isolating yourself when you have a traumatic experience. I also know that you are currently living in your co-worker's house so you might not be getting the space that you need to grieve how you want to.”

“I want you to talk about your grief with someone. You shouldn’t explode on the people that matter to you.” Dr Copeland closed her book. “That is all the time that we have today, but I want you to try and exercise and see if it works. If you have a negative feeling or thought, I want you to have a journal to write it down. I find sometimes if you at least write it down then it can help you process it. It does not always work with everyone, but I hope that it can help you get these thoughts out, so you don’t explode on anyone.”

Buck is unpacking groceries in the kitchen when he hears Eddie come in the front door with Christopher.

“Hey guys!” Buck says in the brightest voice he can manage after such a heavy session. “I think that we should just order in tonight, how does that sound? A movie night perhaps?”

“Sounds good” Eddie says ”Just as long as it's not that Spider Boy movie again.”

“Spider MAN, Dad” Christopher exclaimed. “You should really have this down by now. It’s only been 20 years since the first one came out.”

”Yeah, Eddie, get with the program” Buck says. Though he thinks Eddie noticed his lowered levels of enthusiasm.

Buck turns back to the counter to put away the rest of the groceries and avoids Eddie's eyes. They are far too knowing, and he cannot be perceived this way so fast. There has also been a lot of wariness especially with the fight they had last week. They haven’t talked about it. They just keep going and maybe Buck should be the one to bring it about considering he was the one accused of being hard to talk to. They are best friends, and they can’t keep on walking around on eggshells with each other. It won't help the situation, but Buck needs the next couple of days to sort out his feelings. The exercise that Dr Copeland gave him should help. He bought a journal at the grocery store.

“Hey Buck? Pizza sound good?” Buck hadn’t noticed Eddie coming right up beside him.

“Yeah, sounds fantastic.” He answers.

They end up sitting in and watching the new Moana sequel. It was okay. The music didn’t hit quite as good as the first one. It is not because Buck is biased to Lin Manuel Miranda. It is just true. Eddie doesn’t have an opinion on the matter as he hasn’t seen the first one but he said that he still liked the music it was just not as epic as some recent Disney favourites. Christopher ends up being pretty neutral about the entire thing. He thinks that they shouldn’t have made a sequel to begin with. Buck couldn’t necessarily disagree with that.
Buck pulls out the journal once Eddie and Christopher have gone to bed. He wants to give this a fair shot, so he tries to corral his thoughts:

Dear Bobby,

I know that you are dead but who knows maybe you can read this from all the way up there. I am pissed at you right now. I really don’t want to be, but the fact is that you told me that I shouldn’t help you get out of that stupid lab in one piece. The worst part of it all is that you told me to leave … and I listened. Why in the hell did I do that? I am pretty sure that I am the most stubborn person on the planet to you and I didn’t even try to get you out of there and we could have found a solution … somehow. I just don’t know if I can live with all these what ifs that I have in my head. The potential that we could have given you more time in some way or done some weird blood transfusion or done some nifty surgery that gave you more time for us to clear out your airway or something. We just have always been the team with the solutions and I am really mad at myself for letting you get off so easy.

Love you (too damn much for my own good),

Buck

He puts the notebook inside his work duffel bag just in case he needs to find it tomorrow at work. He also doesn’t want Eddie to find it laying around on his sofa. That would be embarrassing. He will show it to him at one point in 10 years when this is far behind all of them.
The shift today has luckily been pretty quiet today. Buck is grateful that no one has ruined the peace by saying the Q word out loud. He would normally welcome a busy shift where he could shut his brain off and just be distracted by the work. He is just so exhausted. The therapy session yesterday was not helpful in that regard. These sessions always wipe him out whether they are productive or not mostly because it is the closest he’s come to excavating his feelings. Mostly everyone is sleeping right now though Eddie is not in his bunk yet. Probably grabbing some tea. He seems to be on a chamomile kick lately.

Buck goes to the locker room to grab his duffel from his locker to grab his notebook. He goes back to the bunk room with his notebook and sits on the edge of his bunk. Writing down anything that he is feeling into the notebook has helped a lot. Especially when he is feeling angry. He read some of the excerpts that he has already written. It strangely soothes him seeing all his thoughts in writing:
“There has to be something wrong with me if I’m not better now….”

“I always feel so needy….”

“Wouldn’t it be crazy if this was a weird coma dream again….”

“Bobby why the fuck did you tell me that you were dying and tell me that you loved me …. And you didn’t let me say a word.”

‘’Hen invited me and Chimney over for a movie night. I still have a lot of pop culture to catch up on. You would think that I would be caught up by now but apparently there are still some dystopian movies I have to watch… Would it be terrible to say no to watch the Hunger Games movies right now…. “

He opens it to a new page. Starts writing while he has his emotions on a high.

Dear Bobby,

I think I have mostly accepted that you are gone except there is still a part of me hoping that you are alive somewhere getting up to an adventure. But where you can’t contact any of us of course. Cause Bobby I would be so mad at you if you were alive and didn’t tell me. I would be mad at you for probably five seconds though. You know I can’t really be mad at people for longer than at least a day. Even with the lawsuit I wasn’t really mad at you for very long when you held me from coming back. I just really wanted to get my job back and you now know what my childhood was like and my traveling to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was more frustrated with the situation than anything. Firefighting was the first job out of all of them that I really felt a connection and motivation to continue. So to have to go through all the self discovery again sounded so exhausting. It also hurts even more because you guys are my family. I put you as my emergency contact when I started because I didn’t have anyone I could truly count on at the time and I am so glad that I did. You mean so much to me Bobby and I really miss our talks and I feel we didn’t get that a lot before you were gone. Not as much as I would have liked.

Love you so much,

Buckaroo

It’s while finishing his writing that he notices Eddie leaning against the doorway of the bunkroom. Watching him.

“Hey!”

“Hey!” Eddie replied softly, looking at him with concern. “Are you okay? You seemed lost in your words there.”

“Yeah. Yeah” Buck reassured. “You don’t have to worry about me. It’s just an exercise from Dr Copeland that I am trying out. Seems to be helping a little.”

“Well, I’m glad,” Eddie said, looking down at the ground. He looked up while saying “ I am proud of you for going back to Dr Copeland. I know it’s been a while.”
Buck grimaced. “Yeah, well, gotta start somewhere.”

Closing his notebook as he stretches his back from hunching over.

Eddie comes to sit beside him on his bunk.

“I know that it has been rough these past couple months with Bobby and me moving back here and taking over the house again. Thank you for staying by the way. I know Christopher has loved having you around. Nobody helps with his science assignments like you do.” Eddie shoots him a wry grin at the last part.

“I am going to accept that as a compliment because your face is saying differently” Buck said struggling through a laugh. “I also want you to know that I am here for you too. I am in a much better place than I was a week ago. So if you need to talk I’m here. I promise.”

Eddie hangs his head but Buck could see a small smirk even if it was tinged with sadness. “I know, Buck.” Eddie sighs “I know”. Eddie grabs Buck's thigh and squeezes it gently. “Let’s try to get some shut eye huh.”

Eddie gets up and heads to his own bunk. Buck lies down in his bunk to try to get some shut eye. The rest of the shift goes smoothly. There was a call that involved getting a cat out of a tree. “This kitty kinda looks like you, Eds.” Buck said with a huge smile on his face. He was holding a brown and black tabby cat in his arms. Eddie rolled his eyes but Buck saw the side of his face fighting a smile. Buck scratched the cat behind his ears and enjoyed the purr he could feel between his fingers. The kitty was so cute he has been thinking about getting a pet as Eddie’s house allowed pets. It’s fine he doesn’t mind just having just Eddie and Chris around. He just really wants to have a cute cuddly little friend that he can have around to snuggle if he wanted to.
Once they get back to the fire station after finishing multiple calls they are tired on their feet but Buck needs to help get lunch ready. A pretty late lunch it turns out. This is the time that Buck misses Bobby the most. He misses the companionship and the way that Bobby would always trust that he was doing this job right. Thanks to the years that they have been preparing meals together. Thinking about it made him a little watery and he appreciated the solitude to grieve in private. To keep up being happy and being there for everyone is exhausting and this is the only time that is only his. Chopping multiple vegetables for a simple salad because Buck doesn’t think that people will be very hungry for dinner if they have something big. Though if they have other calls that will expend their energy he is nervous it won't be enough. “I think I might put some chicken in the salad. That might help.” Buck mumbles to himself.

His depression seems to come and go. One moment he will be fine and the next he will be hit with a wave of weight on his shoulders. He will feel weighed down and exhausted. Then he will slowly wake up back to the world. He didn’t know what he was feeling when he was younger because his parents never really cared all that much about him in the first place to feed him his proper three meals much less pay attention to his mental health. Thanks to Dr Copeland all those years ago he has become more self aware at least to his mind and his reckless behaviours. Too bad he didn’t go to therapy before the lawsuit because maybe things could have been a little different back then. Maybe he wouldn’t have reacted as impulsively as he had but who knows. This is now a different time and a different place in his life. He has now been with this family for 8 years and has some healthier coping mechanisms. He doesn’t feel the same comfort with cooking as he would have if Bobby was alive. He has to find some joy in something that has nothing to do with Bobby or he is just going to get sucked into this same black hole that he is still struggling to crawl out of.
He loves his family at the 118 with everything that he has but he has to find something outside of this place. He became friends with Ravi this year but he is still part of the 118 crew. It’s not really an outside perspective. Maybe he should reconnect with Taylor. Ha. Should he call Conner and see how he was doing? He hasn't heard from him ever since he and Cameron brought their baby girl home. Buck thinks that he now has come across a new subject to talk about in therapy. There are always new ways to feel abandoned. Especially when Connor and Cameron relied on him a lot during that pregnancy in more ways than one.

“Hey Buckaroo! How is it going up here?” somehow Hen came up here without him noticing.

“ Well you know, just living day to day hoping that I will finally feel a little better than I was yesterday. » Buck says in the most demure way possible.
Buck looks up and Hen is pointedly lifting her eyebrow.

“ What? I’m doing great.” Buck says, with a sly smile. Buck throws a cucumber he is cutting up at Hen when she continues to look at him like he is a bug that she wants to inspect to know all of his biology.

‘’I just know that you were trying to give us grief assessments a couple weeks ago and now you are walking around like a ghost. “ Hen doesn't look at him with judgment, just concern.
Buck grimaces.

“ I don't mean to” he stutters, “I promise that I am trying to get better but everytime that I think that I have moved on an inch I listen to an old voicemail he sent to me by accident and I cry in the bathroom. It just comes at me randomly. I was listening to a song the other day by Smashing Pumpkins and I don’t even know why but the lyrics made me cry on the way to work. It's just getting to a point where I don't know if I can ever be 100 percent better.” Buck could feel the tear tracks coming down his face. He quickly wipes them away. He knows Hen wont judge him for his emotions and he has always been a pretty emotionally driven person. This just feels much more vulnerable than he has been in awhile and it exploded out of him. His emotions might be a little heightened right now.

Hen comes around the counter and offers to help finish off lunch with him and they are able to get the team together for a meal before the next call comes in.

When Eddie and Buck finally get home after their shift they are exhausted. Luckily Buck had made breakfast before they had to leave so he could finally lay down to sleep. Buck doesn’t even care that they are sharing a bed at this moment.

The afternoon comes quickly and Buck is not ready for it. Eddie needs to pick up Chris from school and Buck has some apartment listings to look at. Buck hasn’t found anything that like home yet and if he is being honest with himself probably never will. Not while the Diaz house is standing.
Buck opens the journal again to write to Bobby - who is dead - a letter. Buck doesn’t really know what he wants to write this morning so he is going to fly by the seat of his pants.

Dear Bobby,
The worst part of you being gone is the could have been / should have been and what I wish that I could have said to you. My parents weren’t the best and if I didn’t have Maddie at the time I honestly don’t know how I would have survived. My parents didn't really try until recently to be the parents that I needed. But you Bobby. You taught me so much and I don't know how I can ever pay you back for that. I promise that I am trying to move on. This feels unhealthy but who knows really who knows. Did you know that I have a new partner? Yeah . Not partners with Eddie anymore. It's weird how one change can affect everything huh? I really hope that you are happy up there though. I hope that Bobby Jr and Brooke are happy to see you. Marcy too. Fuck me.
Love you so much,
Buck

Buck lets out a breath and closes his eyes. He always feels so heavy after writing anything in the journal. He knows it's a good thing to write it all down but he really needs to learn to talk about these feelings out loud. He feels exhausted so he slides back down in bed and falls back to sleep.

What Buck did not know was that deep in a lab in downtown LA there was a man who was asleep thanks to the drugs that the government officials had used to keep him knocked out. The man kept on fighting to get out every time he was awake.

Chapter Text

Eddie wakes up first which isn't unusual. Once he is in a set routine waking up it’s hard to break out of it. Unless the work shift was long and arduous enough.

Eddie gets up to go to the kitchen to start on breakfast because Chistopher still has school and Carla is off today because he and Buck now have a couple days off. Eddie would love for this to be their relaxing day off but Buck always likes getting the errands done on their first day off then relaxing. It is a point of contention in their relationship. One that Eddie knows he will never get the stubborn man to change even if he can be pretty stubborn himself.

Eddie grabs some mushrooms, spinach and the bacon bits for the eggs. He makes sure to add some pepper as the eggs are cooking so that it can mix well.

He wants everyone in this household to know that he has vastly improved as a cook in the last few years.

He starts the mixture for the pancakes. He finds the mixing of the batter relaxing and cathartic. Stirring it as aggressively as possible seems to help get them really fluffy. He adds the blueberry and mixes those in. He has the pancakes recipe perfected as this is a recipe he has perfected since Christopher was five years old. As he puts the pancakes on a platter to bring to the table he thinks about the book that Buck has been carrying around. Frank has never suggested anything like a journal to Eddie to write in so it was a new approach. He just hopes that it is helping Buck. He is trying to give him space to talk and he is glad he got a little out of him at the fire house.

His anxiety is not helping him care any less, Christopher is the next to wake up and comes to sit at the table and puts a pancake on his plate. “Good morning, mijo.” Eddie softly says as he kisses Chistopher on the forehead which he tries to dodge.

“Gross, Dad” Chris exclaims “ Are we finally going to the zoo today? I hear that they have an exhibit on the conservation of animals. It sounds really cool. I think that it is so cool what they do. Do you think that I would make a good zoologist?” Eddie loves hearing Chris talk. He is so much smarter that he gets credit for. He is also the bravest kid he knows. He was really worried about Chris after Bobby died. They weren’t as close as Chris is to Buck but he was a big part of their lives. He saw him at the team's backyard barbecues and Christmas parties through the years. He seems to be doing okay though. Eddie just hopes that he comes to talk to him if he has to talk. The kid has lost a lot in his short life and Eddie wishes he could change that for him. Eddie can’t believe that they have been in LA for seven years already.

“Unfortunately,bud,we have to do some grocery shopping and some other errands. I am really hoping to finally fix that cupboard in the kitchen.” Chris is trying to use the power of his puppy dog eyes to change his mind but he is immune but someone else is not yet and he just woke up and is coming in the kitchen. Buck is stretching awake as he looks at the absolutely delicious breakfast that Eddie made this morning. Or at least Eddie thinks so. Luckily Christopher and Buck wolf down their pancakes and eggs. Eddie makes a coffee because he is not awake until he gets his second cup. It always surprises Eddie how much Chris and Buck look alike when they sit beside each other. It’s uncanny.

“Hey Buck, what’s the plan for today?”Eddie smiles into his coffee.

“We are going to go grocery shopping and we are going to figure out how to fix the latch on the cupboard. It sounds like a screeching woman every time I open it. We also need to find something to hold all our laundry because there are too many people in this household.” Buck says while chewing on the last of his pancake as if it’s the last food that he will ever eat because he is an animal.

“Okay, bud. Why don’t you chew on that before you have to get another tracheotomy.” pointing at Buck with the spatula as he finishes the last of the batter.

They are in the grocery store later when Buck sidles up to him saying they need to get Christopher some dino nuggets because they just ran out of them. Eddie needed some – pretended he needed some – convincing. He did love to see Buck convince him to do things. He has this very crazy look in his eyes and drives Eddie crazy.

“Come on, Eds! They are his favourite and he did really well on that Science project he finished last week. 97%. He is a genius. Our little genius.” Which made Eddie’s stomach do some very weird things. “Come on Eddie,” using his baby blue eyes to their maximum potential.

“Fine!” Eddie relents, very unsuspiciously. “But you are making those chicken avocado sandwiches that you made the other day for lunch.” Eddie was in heaven when he took that first bite last week. They grabbed the dino nuggets and what they will need for the rest of the week. Their food budget has definitely doubled since Chistopher has grown into a teenager. Hen did warn him.

Next stop was the hardware store to get some WD-40 for the hinges. They didn’t have it at the grocery store so unfortunately had to make an extra stop.

When they got home Buck got started on lunch while Eddie started on putting the groceries. Buck has started listening to music while he works in the kitchen. He set up a Google home in the kitchen so he can connect to his Spotify and play whatever album tickles his fancy at the time. Right now it’s Miley Cyrus but he is looking forward to the new Conan Grey album so he can’t wait to hear that in the kitchen soon.

Buck is chopping some tomatoes when he asks almost hesitantly “How have you been doing, Eddie? I know you have a therapy appointment tomorrow but I don't mind talking about anything if you need a listening ear. I don’t want to be selfish any more. Especially with you. So I will try to keep my passive aggressive grocery buying to a minimum.”

“Hey, Buck, it's okay.” Eddie tried his hardest to put a sincere smile on his face. “Bobby’s death is hitting hard on all of us. I know how much he meant to you and how he looked at you as a son. He was the dad that you deserved and you lost him. I lost one of the only people that I felt truly saw all of me. We were similar in some ways. Coming to LA for a restart on life. I think he also saw a lot of himself in you as well. The 118, we all created a family that we never had, at least for a while. It will be new but we will make it work.”

“Yeah, I know I just really miss him , Ed’s. Not that you don’t miss him too.” Buck closes his eyes and is looking like he is contemplating every thought and regret he has ever had.

“Buck it’s okay. I know what you meant. We can’t keep tip-toeing around the subject.”

“I know... I know.“ Buck smiles up at him. A bitter smile but it’s better than the grimace he had on his face.

“Let’s finish these sandwiches and see what Christopher is up to.”

After an hour of being roped into building a new lego set with Chirstopher, Buck and Eddie are finally ready to collapse on the couch - or in Bucks case the floor - and have a nap…after they fix the cupboard.

“Ughhhhhhh….. I wish that I could stay on the floor and just sleep here.” Buck whined.

“I don't think that is a great idea in our old age.” Eddie says as he gets up and reaches a hand out to Buck to help him up.

Buck grinned at him. His smile was like sunshine. Always has been. What?

Eddie shakes his head to get that thought out and turns toward the kitchen. “Let’s just get this done.”

Buck always takes him to his therapy sessions if he can and if not Eddie usually takes an Uber. He always seems to come out exhausted after his sessions.

He is sitting in a chair in Frank’s room hoping to even start the conversation that has been roaming around in his head since last night.

“I don’t know how to start the conversation so I am going to need you to help me here.” Frank says while his impassive face says nothing. Eddie is trying to get Frank to just ask him some direct questions.

“My anxiety has gotten better .. and worse. Just for different reasons. As you might know, Buck, my best friend, has been living with me and my son since we moved back to LA.”

“Yes” Frank replies

“Well… I just don't know. Everything feels different now. Especially after we had that fight.”

“Have you guys talked about the fight since it’s happened?” Frank prods.

“No, not directly.” Eddie sighs “He will bring it up and I will say it’s water under the bridge. It’s always more complicated than that but those are my general feelings. I know that we both were on two shitty sides of the situation. Buck had to be there for some of his last words. I also know it was killing him not to be able to save them and I can’t imagine how that would feel. Then I had to learn about it over a phone call. I had to hear it through a phone call because I messed up my relationship with my son so bad that I had to go to Texas. Bobby has been there for me so many times and when he was trying to be there for me I was a complete asshole to him. But you know it’s all water under the bridge. I couldn’t even pay him back for everything he has done for me.”

“How do you know you haven’t?” Frank asks.

“What?” Eddie exclaims.

“How do you know that you didn’t help him in any way?” Frank questions. “ We sometimes help each other in small ways. It doesn’t always have to be big ways. Sometimes it’s just being there. Sometimes it’s words. I am sure that you have helped Bobby in some way over the years. You have always said that you guys aren’t just a team but you’re family. So don’t be so hard on yourself about what you can't do.”

“Do you think badly of Buck because he wasn’t able to save your captain?”

“No! No, that is not what I think. He did everything he could” Eddie says quietly.

“So stop blaming yourself for things that you can’t control.” Frank says with a face that was made to try to get through his stubborn skull. “Okay so what I want you to do is try to talk to Buck about your argument. Or how about this? Try to talk to someone else about your feelings. Okay?”

Eddie is apprehensive but he says “Okay.”

“I am proud of you for coming in today. I know how much you love people digging into your brain. Get yourself a treat okay.”

Eddie walks out of his appointment exhausted to his core but Buck is waiting there to pick him up as always. He takes a breath and lets it out and climbs into the passenger seat of the Jeep.
They get home and just relax for a bit. They watch a movie with Chris until it is time for him to fall asleep. Chris is leaning into Eddie’s shoulder and he just has to watch him for a minute. He has grown up so much. Eddie has to wake him up so that he can go to bed. Chris gets up begrudgingly and moves to his room with his crutches. He listens to the clack clack as he moves down the hall.

Buck is still sitting on the couch enjoying the documentary about ancient myths that still had another two hours to go.

Eddie pulls out his phone and texts Hen if he could come over sometime in the morning. She answers with Yes pretty quickly.

“Let’s get to bed, Buck, Don’t want us to end up sleeping on the couch. The mattress is definitely the best for both of us.”

They get ready for bed, take turns in the bathroom and they go to their sides of the bed because this is not the first time that this has happened. They slept together on the same bed after Eddie got shot and Buck got struck by lightning not wanting to be alone so that he can come back to reality easier.

“Goodnight, Eddie”

“Goodnight, Buck”

Before Eddie goes to Hen’s place he makes sure that Chris is going to get his homework done but gets a grumble of unappreciation. So Eddie leaves before he has to deal with Chris's teenage angst.

The Wilson house has been becoming very familiar to Eddie these last few weeks. Having friends that are also parents to a teenager is great. Especially when they have been through huge traumas.

Eddie rings the doorbell and Hen answers immediately with her usual heartwarming grin.

“What do you like in your tea?” Hen asks.

“Just some cream is fine, thanks.” Eddie smiles towards Hen.

“So what did you want to come over to talk about?”

“How did you know that I wanted to talk about something?”

“Come on, Eddie!” Hen scoffs “ Everytime that you come over you need to talk about something to do with Buck. It wasn’t a huge leap.”

“Well this time it's not completely about Buck.But a good chunk of it is. You know that we got into that fight a couple days after I talked with you. I told him about getting the call in El Paso and we both weren’t our best selves during the fight. Buck and his survivors guilt and me and my guilt about not being able to be there to help Bobby. The whole fight started because apparently Buck had heard through the grapevine that I was offered the job for the El Paso fire department”

Hen makes a grimace at that.

“Yeah” Eddie sighs. “I flew Chris and Pepa from Texas to help cheer Buck. I thought that he could use some family around.”

Hen raised her eyebrows “ You brought your own family to cheer Buck up? I really have to tell Karen this when she gets home. Okay and what's the problem now?”

“We haven't really talked about the fight. I know that my apologies are usually grand gestures but this fight also felt so different. I feel there should be more of a conversation.”

“I don’t know, Eddie. I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking space after having a big fight. Especially with the kind of relationship that you have with each other. If Buck has forgiven you and you forgive him then I really don’t think there is anything left to say. Was there anything else that you wanted to talk about?”

“What? No?!?! What else would I have to talk about?” Eddie exclaimed.

“I don't know, Eddie. You tell me.” Hen raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t have anything to talk about” Liar. Eddie closes his eyes to get rid of the thought.

“Okay. You know I am here if you need to talk.” Hen reaches out to cover Eddie’s hand.

“I know, Hen. I appreciate you.”

“Why don’t we talk about something lighter. How is Christopher doing?”

Eddie could talk about Christopher all day so that is easy. They cover various subjects like their kids being in high school which is absolutely ridiculous. It’s hard to believe that these kids grow up so fast. .

Eddie eventually says goodbye to Hen. He also gets a chance to quickly catch up with Karen as he leaves.

When he comes back home he can hear the infectious laughter of his son coming in from the living room. He is playing some Fornite with some of his friends.

He searches the living room and the kitchen and the living room for any sign of Buck. He goes to their bedroom. He sees Buck sitting on the bed with the journal he has been carrying around and writing in. He closes it as Eddie comes in and just watches as Eddie comes into the room.

“Hey. How was your night?” Eddie asks as he gets ready for the night and just strips down to his boxers. He gets into bed and turns to Buck.

Buck seems to be caught in a trance. “ Sorry, what did you say?”

Eddie laughs as he asks again. “ What did you do with Chris tonight?”

“Oh, we just baked some cookies. Some peanut butter and snickerdoodles.” Buck smiles. “ Then we debated about the ethics of human cloning.” Buck was smiling like he had the time of his life.

“I’m glad that you two have each other. I don’t think that I could keep up with you guys at all.”

“Eddie, don't sell yourself short. You are the best dad and that kid is lucky to have you. Everyone is lucky to have you.”

Eddie doesn’t know how Buck knows exactly what he needs to hear. Their relationship has had many ups and downs but Buck has still been one of the most consistent people in his life, He has been the most consistent.

Eddie just hopes that nothing will change if Eddie ever tells Buck about how he feels about him.

They have been them for so long that changing it into something new, something bigger that Eddie is really scared of starting because Buck is the most consistent thing in his life. He doesn’t want anything to change if he can help it.

Eddie pulls a romance book that he has been reading off his side table. Buck gave him a lot of shit for it because it was one of those romances with a man's shirt torn up on the cover. It was like reading one of his Abuela telenovelas so he is always entertained. The drama. The angst. Eddie loves it, okay?

Eddie ends up reading the book until he falls asleep.

Chapter Text

Bobby is waking up and starts his routine. He checks his surroundings and maps out where all the machines and people are. He is currently all alone but that doesn't mean that nobody is watching. He knows that they are watching him somehow but he can’t see any cameras.

He wanted to go home the moment that he woke up the first time but they kept telling him that he was still contagious and that he is a danger to his family if he is let out of the room.

He believed them… for a while. Then they kept on coming up with excuses to keep him here. “You could help other people if we could study your symptoms.” “ You look a little peaky, we better keep you here for a few days.” When Bobby tried to fight back they threatened the US government against him or his family. He knows that they have been following the people that he cares about. He knows because the fifth time that he tried to fight back he got shown pictures of Athena , May, Harry , Buck, Eddie, Hen, everyone that he has been known to care about.

Bobby is becoming exhausted. He just wants to get home and cuddle with his wife and hug his children. His firehouse family will be worried about him. He has been gone for so long and the lab told him that they knew he was alive. They were sent proof of life just like he was.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Bobby has been in the lab for weeks when he finally tries his escape plan. He knows that the guards have a shift exchange at 10 am and luckily they left a clock in here so that he could time their shift change. They leave the door unattended for 10 minutes. He doesn’t need a key, he just needs to get out of this room and hope for the best. Luckily he has been able to get out of bed so he has been able to keep up at least a slight exercise regimen so he couldn’t become weak.

He snatches out his IV as quickly and painlessly as possible. Then pulls off the pads for the ECG. Then he listens to make sure that nobody is coming now that the telltale sound of beeping stopping hasn't raised any alarms. Luckily Bobby also knows how to shut the machine off or to quiet it down from too many hospital visits. He doubts that there is anyone that really cares about his health in this place. Not with the way they are treating him like a science experiment. Bobby slides against the wall until he gets to the door and sees nobody is there. Bobby has to be prepared to take a run for it. He takes a breath and opens the door and runs like his life depends on it. Bobby has always been able to count on his instincts and he really needs them right now.

He doesn’t run into any problems until he gets to the elevator where there are three workers standing outside chatting with others about a new project they are doing. Bobby looks around to see if there is another way to get up to the top floors. He sees a door to the stairs but it is right by the people who are chatting. He would be suspicious if he tries to get past them in just sweats and a T-shirt. They have got to know about their illegal test subjects. This is the only opportunity he has though. The elevator will be too slow anyways so this is his best option.

He takes a deep breath and turns the corner and he calmly walks to the staircase to not draw attention to himself. He is able to almost make it to the staircase but hears a “What the hell?” Behind him as his sign to make a run for it once again. He is running up the staircase and passes the signs for B1, B2, B3 and finally gets to the main floor. Bobby is exhausted but he has made it this far. Thank goodness he had the forethought to keep in decent shape. He can’t imagine he would have made it up those stairs. He is almost at the end though. He just needs to make it out of this place. He just needs to find the exit. He follows the sound of people. He is not as suspicious of the people on the main floor. Most of them probably didn’t know he was here.

This is what he is hoping because he needs every bit of luck he can get. He just needs to get through this last bit of the building and he is home free. Just a turn of the corner here. Straight on here for a bit then another turn with some twisted hallways that you should never see in a building. He can see the exit of double doors. He is feeling such relief and joy at finally getting out of here he barely is able to catch the sounds of pounding footsteps chasing after him. He goes back into a state of panic. Luckily his many years as a first responder taught him to deal with the adrenaline and anxiety. He runs and runs and runs and he can feel them running closer to him but he is closer to the entrance. Hopefully there is a large group of people outside of the building that he can use to blend in. He pushes the door open with two hands and sees there is a decent amount of people but not enough people that he will not be seen. Bobby does something that he will - maybe - regret later. He steals a cap off someone's head that he passes and he tries to blend in with the crowd. As much as you can when you can feel the blood running down your arm from the pulled IV. Luckily he is near a government building so there should be a phone available somewhere close. He keeps searching trying to find one. It’s his only chance at a smooth getaway.

He needs to find one a little further away so that he has a chance of a smooth runaway. He is trying to keep the panic from exploding but it is slowly starting to seep back into his body. He finally sees a corner store. He goes into the store and asks the store clerk if he can borrow his phone. The store clerk looks surprised but lets him use his phone.

He dials the first number that pops into his head. He really hopes that she picks up. When he hears the “Hello” after the second ring he nearly bursts into tears. He needs to be calm for now though, he can fall apart later.

“Athena.”

“Bobby. Is that you?” He can hear the sob in Athena’s throat through the phone.

“ Yes ..” he clears his throat. “Yes it is. I promise I will explain everything when I see you. I just need some help right now. Is there any way that you can meet me anywhere?”

Athena stays silent for a moment. “How do I know this is real?”
“What do you mean? I was told that you knew that I was alive. I was told that you got updates every day. That’s the only reason that I didn’t try to get out of there earlier. Y-you thought I was dead this whole time. A-Athena I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve that. Is there a place that we can meet safely. I don’t have much time before they find me.”

The store clerk is looking at him like he is a crazy person. He must not see a lot of escaped people that have escaped from labs.

“I-I think that I know a place. Can you make it to the Griffith Observatory? I don’t trust the police department right now with you. Meet me there at the Tesla Coil exhibit. Is there someone that you can borrow some money from?” Bobby’s eyes move to the cashier.

“I will see what I can do.” He hangs up but not before saying “I love you”.

“Is there any way that I can borrow a couple dollars?” Bobby inquires.

Once Bobby gets a couple dollars from the money jar the cashier keeps behind the counter. He heads to the metro station to find his way to Griffith Observatory.

Chapter Text

Athena calls the 118 to tell them about Bobby. She calls them each individually but could also probably call Eddie and Buck together. This was going to be a long night and she needs all the support she can get.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“ Hey Hen, I’m going to tell you something crazy and you are going to have to believe me.”

“Athena . We saw a man eating human flesh. I am sure that there is very little that I wouldn’t believe.”

“Bobby’s alive, Hen” Hen is silent on the other end. Athena can't even hear her breathing.

“That can’t be possible. We just had a funeral a couple weeks ago. W-what? You aren’t trying to prank me are you?”

“Do you really think that I would pull a prank about this, Henrietta?”

“No. No, I don’t think that you would. I’m sorry Athena. This is just so crazy. You know how this happened?

“No, but you bet that I am going to find out”

Hen didn’t even need to see her face to know that she meant it.

“Meet me at the Tesla Coil exhibit in the Griffith Observatory. Okay?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Hey Maddie.. I need to tell you and Chimney something that is going to be hard to hear?”

“Did something happen? Did something happen to Buck?”

“ No Maddie I promise nothing happened to Buck but this might affect him though…. And Chimney. Do you think that you can get him for me?”

“ Yeah, just a second. He is just putting Jee to bed.”

“Athena. Maddie wouldn’t tell me what you were calling for. Are you okay?”

“Chimney. Maddie. I am going to need you to sit down for this.”

“Today a man called from a phone in the downtown area. He said that he was Bobby and he was held in a lab. I know that this is hard to believe but I really think that it is Bobby. I told him to meet us at the Griffith Observatory as I think that we need a very public place. I think that these people are going to come after him. How soon do you think you can get there?”

Chimney nor Maddie say anything for a couple minutes. Chimney finally says “Ummmm …. I could probably get there in 40 minutes but Athena… are you sure about this? I want him to still be alive just as much as the next person. I know we didn't physically see the body and you know when there's no body shown that means it was all a fake operation. It just all seems too good to be true.” Athena can hear Chimney start choking out sobs.

“I promise Chimney I wouldn't have called unless I was sure.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Buck. Hey! I need to talk to you and Eddie right away. Is there any way that you can grab him?”

“No .. yeah … we were just making dinner. I will just go catch him in the kitchen. Is everything okay.?”

“Yeah don’t worry, Buck. This is good news. I promise.”

It feels like the only time they talk is during emergency situations lately. She really should join her children and Buck in their Bachelor nights. Make sure there are more family dinners. Eddie and Chirstopher would also both be welcome. A big barbecue for the team in the backyard. Athena might need it after tonight anyway. She needs her whole family around her. They have been through so much.

Buck comes back on the line again with “I’ve got Eddie. What do you need, Athena?”

“I am going to need you to put down any knives or sharp utensils before I tell you this so let me know when you have done so.”

Athena can hear in the background the sound of a knife dropping onto a cutting board.

“Okay, Athena . We are all clear.”

“ Bobby is alive.”

“No”

“Buck … “ Eddie said in the background.

All of a sudden the phone was disconnected.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Athena is surprised that Buck hung up but at the same time it really shouldn’t. She had heard through Hen how Buck had not been dealing with Bobby’s death in the best way. How it seems he hasn’t really been able to move forward. Hasn’t been talking about his feelings as much as he normally would.

She makes sure to text the location of where to meet them and when . She is sure that he will show up. Even if Eddie has to drag him out. Or his natural curiosity will get the better of him.
Athena is sure that one of them will also tell Ravi the news. It will probably be better to come from one of them than her anyway.

Athena now needs to tell her kids which will probably be her last straw. She gets into her car so she can drive to May’s apartment which she knows Harry has been staying at as well.

She takes a deep breath as she pulls into her daughter's apartment parking lot. She gets out before she can herself out. She has felt she had to always keep herself together. She will admit that she is always a perfect mother. She has taken things too far and regrets a lot of the decisions she made. Some of them out of desperation and trauma. It doesn't excuse them though.

She knocks on her daughter’s apartment door hoping that she is home from school. The door opens a second later to Harry with May coming up right behind him.

“Mom.” May sounds surprised but that shouldn't be surprising. It's not often that Athena shows up in the middle of the afternoon.

“Hey, babies. I need to talk to you about something and then we need to get somewhere quickly. Why don't we sit down? Trust me you are going to want to sit down for this.”

They move into May’s small living room. They are all able to just fit comfortably. Athena taking the small power seat and Harry and May taking the couch. May starts holding Harry’s hand. She has always been pretty good at reading a situation.

“Okay, so I got called by an unknown number. When they answered I recognized it right away. It was Bobby”

“Mom–”

“May, I know how this sounds but I promise that I am not going crazy or hallucinating in my grief. I would not be telling you any of this if I was certain that it was true. I know how much I have put you guys through these last couple of weeks. I told him that we would meet him at the Griffith Observatory. I thought that it would be good to meet him in a public place. That way the people who are trying to find him from that lab ….. Might have a harder time trying to find him.”

“We believe you, Mom. Let’s get out of here so that we can get there as soon as possible. Let’s bring Bobby home.” Harry said encouragingly.

“I do need to ask one favour of you, May. Would he be able to stay at your apartment for the night? Just until we can get a better solution for where to hole him up.”

“Yes, Mom, of course. Anything you need. Let’s get out of here.”

Athena was so proud of her kids. They were the best parts of her and Michael and she can't wait to get the whole family together again.