Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s been 5 years since Bobby died. Five years since Buck left the Firehouse. Five years since Eddie went back to Texas for a few years, then came back again. 5 years since Kevin Han was born. 5 Years since Chimney became capitan, and 5 years since Hen and Karen adopted Mara. More than five years since Ravi became part of their little family. 

Eddie always found walking through LA extremely relaxing. Especially since he moved back. It’s sad to say that he didn’t remain in contact with everyone from the 118 during that period. Okay, he did hold a grudge when Buck left, so much so that they went radio silence for more than 3 months. They called once or twice for a year, but then the calls just stopped. He didn’t notice it at the beginning. He only did when Chris asked why Buck wasn’t writing to him as much. But it’s not like he wrote either.

Turns out, everybody had gotten the same treatment. Buck didn't write, call, or visit anyone. Apart from Maddie and her children. Though he specifically asked Maddie not to bring Chimney. 

Eddie tried to get in contact with him, not as many times as he should have, but he did. The answers were always short and simple. Never asking a question back. It’s like he just wanted to push everyone away. And Eddie let him. Everyone let him. Everyone was so tangled up in their own grief and pain, while trying to regain control of their life, that it didn’t seem as important, the no-contact. 

From what he knew, Chris got something out of him sometimes. This is how he knew Buck was still okay. Chris never gave up on him. Eddie should have probably done that too, but he was so caught up in his own selfishness, that he didn’t even bat an eye. He was mad at the beginning. Now, he doesn’t know…

He discovered the hobby of reading, now that he has a more tranquil life. So he always likes to read new books and lets himself inspire by the ones he sees in the shop windows. 

Today isn't any different as he stops in front of the bookshop. That is, until he sees a “NEW” sign. It’s a thin book. Not even a hundred pages, from what it looks like. 

 The book underneath it reads: The Trials and Tribulations of Evan Buckley in 97 acts.

What the fuck?

——————— 

Of course he remembers telling him. He regretted it the moment he said it. So caught up in his own emotions.

He sprials when he’s emotional. He says things he wishes he could keep to himself. Things his brain unhelpfully pushes in front of his mind, until he can’t hold back. Irrational fears he wishes would just go away. They don’t, not really. But he learned to suppress them, at least until they explode, Eddie tries to be alone when they do. 

So when he looks closer at the Book… Well, Eddie never was good at expressing how he felt. Nonetheless, he buys it. He doesn’t even know what the book is about. But his chest tightens in a way it hasn’t for a long time. Buck definitely wrote this. It’s not the Authors name that convinces him, it’s the blurb. 

“This is not an autobiography. You would never hear the end of it I’m afraid. It’s my “letters I’ve never sent”, my “Diary”, my pride and joy at this point, considering how long I’ve been working on it. This is my first and last book. The title was the easiest to find.”

“Asshole.” Eddie mumbles as he makes his way home.

————————————

For some reason, Eddie can’t bring himself to open it once he’s home. He just stares at it, wondering. Should he call, maybe. Telling him something like, “hey, nice book”, or “sorry I’ve been ignoring you for the past 5 years, how are you?. Anyway I saw that you published a book, what is that about”. If he feels brave even “Do you miss the 118? Why did you start to ignore everyone? I’m worried. We all are.” 

Before he loses his courage Eddie opens his messages on his phone and scrolls down, down and then some more down. The last message is from exactly 4 years ago. It reads: 

“What are you going to do then?” 

No answer on Bucks part. 

“Since when are you an author?” 

He types, sends, and shuts his phone. He feels so stupid doing that. Chris did that multiple times when he was nervous about talking to girls. 

There’s a ping, and Eddie has never opened his phone so fast. Honestly, he did not expect Buck to answer at all. 

“You read it yet?” 

Not even a Hello. Well, he didn’t say Hello either.

“Just bought it. Why?” “Are you nervous I won’t like it?” “Is it that bad?”  

“I’m sure it’s good!” 

“I’m afraid you won’t like the last chapter.”

“No spoilers thank you.”

“Sorry.”

It didn't feel like he was saying sorry for spoiling the book. He waits a few minutes, making sure there’s no other messages. He doesn’t understand why he’s disappointed that there aren’t. 

The door opens and Tia Pepa walks in. She has a crutch now, sometimes even a wheelchair, though she refuses to use it. “Mijo?” she calls. Just from her voice Eddie understands that she’s in a good mood, which means she’s feeling well today. 

“Tia Pepa!” He greets her, and hugs her, a bit tighter than usual. “It’s been a while.” she tells him, “how have you been huh?” She immediately walks to the kitchen, opening the fridge. “It’s been 5 days.” Eddie smiles. “Oh, look at that, you don’t have anything in here, I better order some groceries. You see, I have invited myself to dinner. In fact, I may even stay here the night.” she announces. She’s been doing that a lot recently. Inviting herself for dinner, she usually cooks. She claims that Chris needs a healthy diet, instead of ordering out 3 times a week because Eddie burned something. He doesn’t mind.

“Give me your phone.” she demands, sitting on the kitchen chair. He passes her the phone. “Do you want some water?” he asks, getting a glass for himself. “Please.” He opens the fridge and pours some fresh and cold water and then gets a bottle of normal temperature and fills up the second glass. 

“Eddie?” Tia Pepa calls. “You have a message.” Eddie puts the glasses down after taking a sip of the cold one. “From who? I was supposed to call Chimney today, but I already postponed it for tomorrow.” 

“It’s Buck.” Eddie snatches the phone from her. He did indeed write.

“Call me when you finish it.”

“Will do!”

Eddie smiles, then hands his phone back, but not before opening the grocery store app. “Are you two talking again?” Tia Pepa asks. “He published a book today.” Eddie changes the subject. In retrospect that wasn’t the best subject change. 

“He did?” Eddie nods. “Bought it an hour ago.” “Maybe I should buy it too.” She nods. Eddie shrugs. 

For some reason, he doesn’t like that idea. He wants to keep it for himself. 

The door opens again. Perfect!

“Hey Chris!” Eddie calls, thankful for the distraction. “Guess who’s here for dinner?” Chris rounds the corner, into the kitchen. “Hi Tia Pepa!” She smiles at Chris before continuing to order things on Eddies phone.

“How was school?” Eddie asks, “got anything to do?” Chris shakes his head. “No. I did everything in class.” There is silence for a brief moment, then Chris speaks. “Do you know what I found at the bookstore today?” Eddie closes his eyes in frustration. So he already knows. “Yeah,” he answers as Pepa puts the phone down, satisfied and Eddie with 60$ less. “I bought it, it’s on the couch. I wanted to read it today after dinner.” Chris nods. “Could you lend it to me after?” Eddie smiles, ruffles his hair. “Of course.” 

When everyone has gotten to bed, when the house was completely silent, the night lamp being the only source of light, Eddie picks up the book. 

Chapter Text

For Red. 

For we are similar after all. 

Eddie turns the page.

Chapter 1

Red. 

Dear Red. 

You’re dead. You have been for a long time. Long before I actually started this book. You may be the first chapter in this book, but you’re the last I wrote. In the beginning, you weren’t even meant to be here, but I always saw myself in you, so here’s your own chapter. 

I always thought you were brave. Brave for dying alone. But now, after years and years of thinking about it, you weren’t brave. 

You were scared and ashamed. A bit like how I feel right now. I planned everything. Every detail of this book is intentional, which makes me saying it, somehow worse. I think you and I are very much alike. Living life to its fullest, until everything comes crashing down and you can’t do anything but watch, as everything crumbles down in front of your eyes. But it’s not the crumbling that’s the worst part. It’s the aftermath. 

Trying to put everything back together, the big pieces are easy. You fit them together like a puzzle. The little ones are more challenging. It takes more time, more effort and more patience, but after multiple tries, they too have their own place. The dust is the worst. The invisible little pieces that somehow are the most important ones. The ones that stop the water from spilling. The irreplaceable ones. So tiny, yet so important. 

Somehow, some people still manage to repair it to its fullest. To the point where nothing spills out, unless it overflows, that is. What I always wondered though are the visible cracks. They’ll always remain, yet they aren’t ashamed of it. No, they wear the cracks with pride, paint them gold, and show them off. Some cracks remain unrepairable though. No matter how much you try to fix them. At that point, you start to wonder if you should give up. If the problem is the pieces that don't fit together or you, who can’t make the pieces fit. 

Maybe a bit of both. 

I remember how happy you were, when we managed to round up your old firehouse. How everyone still cared, after all that time. I never imagined having a different job from being a Firefighter. I know I tried to put my last 2 weeks more than once, but never had I considered doing another job. I have worked 2 years in a homeless shelter. I tried to stay a firefighter. I really did. I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t the same. It will never be the same, no matter how much I try to replace what I’ve lost. Who, I’ve lost. Too many people I’ve helped have turned out to be good people. People who are struggling to find a job. I have seen far too many veterans who are now homeless. They lost so much, yet they are still losing. But I don’t really want to talk about that now. Later, maybe.

I’ve never been good with words, I don’t know why they’re just flowing out of me right now. It’s overwhelming, but I think this process is healing me. Chapter after chapter. I hope that someday, someone would help me, like I helped Red. I know I should try to help myself, but everything is so overwhelming I can’t stand it anymore. 

I hate that I know how you felt. Especially because I’m half the age you were when we met. But maybe I can fix it. Maybe not everything is lost. I can try to fix it.

Chapter after chapter. 

Thank you for everything, I hope you are doing well, wherever you are. 

Buck. 

Chapter Text

Eddie is very overwhelmed reading the first chapter. It somehow makes him more alert, but it also tires him. Like when he was shot, and all he wanted to do was close his eyes and dream. He refused to do that then, and he refuses to do it now. 

So many things are swimming in his head. “they lost so much but they are still losing”. Eddie has been losing for a long time now. These words hit deep, they threaten to open a wound that he managed to keep closed for a long time. 

He really wants to see Buck. It’s stupid that it’s a book that determines him. He has this sudden hole he has been ignoring for far too long. He needs to fill it, even if just temporarily. He wants to keep reading, but he also wants to call. 

He closes the book. 

“It’s scary how good you wrote the first chapter.” 

He sends it immediately. Eddie needs to stop thinking. 

     I know we have been kind of ignoring each other, but why don’t we meet up and talk. It’s been way too long.” 

Eddie takes a deep breath and hits send. He takes another as he closes his phone and puts it on his nightstand. It’s 11pm. Irrational to think he’s going to answer at this hour. Buck values his sleep a lot. 

Yet, his phone buzzes. 

The first chapter is the one who’s written the best. I wrote it a few months ago.

Well, actually the last chapter is my favourite.

Eddie blinks, as the text bubbles appear and disappear. 

but yeah, I think the sooner the better.

Eddie smiles. 

Are you going to update me and review every chapter?

The smile turns into a smirk as he types. 

I know you would find it useful to obsess over something else. 

      Also, we can meet in a bar or you can come to my place, though Chris or Tia Pepa are almost always there, so privacy is rare. 

a coffee shop would be ideal.

Consider it done then! Tell me a day!

Is the day after tomorrow too early? 

Eddie releases a breath. 

No. Perfect. 

Eddie stares at his phone for a few minutes. Thinking. Then,

Goodnight.

Goodnight!

———————————————

Eddie wakes up with his phone buzzing. He groans as he looks at the clock on his nightstand. 5am. 

He grabs his phone and watches it light up as more messages come in. He shields his eyes from the light. 

When his eyes adjust he opens messages, where the 118 group is going crazy. Eddie blinks a few times. When Bobby died and Buck left, instead of removing them from the group, Chimney decided to create a new one entirely. So it is very weird seeing the 2 groups active at the same time. He opens the new group, called station 118

station 118

(3:30) Ravi: Can someone remind me when my shift starts today?

(3:50) Hen: In 2 hours…

(4:45) Chim: I dare you to be late Ravi

At 4:59 Ravi sends a picture of the bookshop Eddie passed yesterday.

Oh, oh god..

(5:00) Ravi: Am I hallucinating?

(5:00) Hen: ???

(5:01) Chim: You’re late. 

(5:02) Chim. Also, ????

(5:03) Ravi: I can literally see you on your phone from here Chimney.

Eddie stands up now, seeing as he has a shift in 2 hours and he needs to shower. As he does he switches to the other group. They haven’t used it in almost a year. 

9-1-1 squad

(5:05) Ravi: picture attached

Ravi: Sorry huh?

(5:06) Chim: Dude is this a collective hallucination or?…

(5:06) Hen: I think I missed a chapter or two, because I NEED answers now. 

(5:20) Athena: Buck, are you alright? 

(5:21) Athena: Since when are you an author. I’m going to need an authographed copy. 

(5:31) Maddie: Why did that not come up in conversation in the last year? 

(5:33) Maddie: Second that Athena. 

(6:37) Buck: Figured Eddie would have told you by now…

(6:39) AND HE LIVES!!

(6:39): So you did write it! That’s amazing Buck!

(6:41) Maddie: YOU TOLD EDDIE AND NOT ME?

(6:43): I still want my autograph. 

(6:44) Eddie?

(6:45) Eddie? You’re late.

(6:46) Edmundo.

(6:48) DIAZ? HE TOLD YOU?

(6:49) Buck: I didn’t!

(6:49) He didn’t!

(6:50) Oh so NOW you answer. 

(6:50) I was literally driving to work.

(Picture of Chimneys back of the head attached)

As punctual as I can get. 

(6:51) He found it at the bookstore and then send me a message. 

(6:52) And you answered?

(6:52) Ouch. 

“Before you start, I’m not late, Chim.” Eddie smiles at him before throwing on his shirt uniform. “I have surrounded myself with tardiness.” Chimney laments. 

(6:54) How much did you even read?

(6:55) Just the first chapter

(6:58) Wow, you are a slow reader then…

(7:00) I have things to do, thank you very much. 

(7:01) Really, more important then me?

(7:02) OH, he really went there!

(7:02) how can you refuse him Eddie….

(7:03) I hate you all. 

(7:03)No you don’t.

No you don’t.

No you don’t. 

No you don’t. 

Eddie smiles, and closes the chat. 

“Please tell me you bought the Book here.” “Wow Hen, hello to you too.” Hen rolls her eyes. “No I didn’t. I left it at home.” “You left it at home?” Ravi interjects, a glass of water in his hand. “Yes?” “Useless, he is…” “Not you too Chim!” Chimney lifts a finger. “I’m Capitan at work.” Eddie lifts the finger. 

“So what is it about?” Hen asks, curious. “As I already said I only read one chapter. The back says that it’s more like a diary than a book. Kind of.” “Can I order it on amazon?” Ravi asks. Eddie shrugs. “Do you guys remember the old man Buck helped organize a reunion of his old fire station? His name was Red?” 

Hen perks up slightly. “Oh, I remember him! Buck got so worked up about it. Why?” “He dedicated the book to him.” He pauses, then adds, “and the first chapter”.

(7:10) Nope. 

————————

Eddie's shift was pretty quiet. 3 car crashes, fortunately no victims, 2 rescued kittens from the kindergarten near the firehouse, and a woman with a ring stuck on her finger. All and all, a quiet shift. He has seen crazier things. 

Just because he did, doesn’t mean he’s not exhausted. He’s dreading to cook honestly. He can’t invite Tia Pepa today, she's playing Bingo tonight. Ordering out doesn’t sound too bad… 

But, because Chris has a friend for dinner, he will have to cook. They are technically old enough to cook alone, but Eddie barely trusts himself in the kitchen, so the idea of 2 teenagers cooking terrifies him. And he wants to baby Chris a bit more. 

Thankfully Chris went to college in LA so he still comes home every day. Though the nights spent out are getting more common the more time passes. Eddie is not fully ready to let him go. 

What he does trust Chris doing is cleaning the kitchen after dinner. So Eddie can relax. 

He sits on the couch and opns Bucks Book when his phone Buzzes. Shit, he almost forgot about Chimney. He answers immediately. 

“Hey Chim.” “Hey” the voice on the other end sounds tired. “So you have been in contact with Buck?” Straight to the point. Eddie shrugs, even though Chimney can’t see it. “Barely. We exchanged a few messages, and technically we’re meeting in a coffee shop tomorrow.” he remembers. He needs to send Buck a message for the exact place and hour. “Thats great.”. Chimney answers, but his voice is hard. “He still doesn’t want anything to do with you?” “No.” he answers. “I don’t understand what he wants me to do. I blame myself for Bobby every day, I don’t need someone else blaming me too. I know what happened. I was there. He wasn’t. 

The narrative of Buck blaming Chimney still doesn’t sit right to him. “I’ll ask him tomorrow. It still doesn’t seem like Buck to blame you.” Chimney sighs. “Then I don't understand the reason why he won’t talk to me or see me. Maddie says that he asks to change the subject every time she tries to talk about me. I mean, even Kevin has noticed. And he’s 5.” Eddie hums. “Talking about Maddie, she’s furious with you.” 

“What?” Eddie asks, perplexed. He sits up straighter on the couch. “What did I do?” “She’s appalled that Buck wrote to you about the Book. And that you didn’t tell her about it.” “I thought she knew.” “I know, for a moment I even doubted her, and thought she had promised Buck not to tell me.” There is a moment of silence. “Anyway, I called you about — ”

————————

The call with Chimney lasts an hour.

When he hangs up, Eddie goes to write a message to Buck, but finds that he has already received one from him. 

(19:58) Hey, I wanted to ask for tomorrow, what hours you’re free.

Eddie answeres immediately. 

(20:42) Hey sorry I was on the phone. 

I don’t have work tomorrow.

But I have a 48 hour shift the day after and I have to get up at 6am. 

Buck answers immediately, which makes Eddie feel… wierd. 

Yeah no problem, I was thinking at 11 at the coffee shop near Target. Is it still near your house?

Obviously. 

That’s perfect then. 

I’m about to read the second chapter!

That’s a rough one. Wishing you luck…

Should I be worried?

Very much so

…

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

Bobby

Dear Bobby,

You are dead. People around me need to stop dying, I don’t think I can handle any more people leaving. In whatever way they can. 

This is the first chapter that I write, mostly because I need to get everything out on paper, and my therapist says that could help me. 

So basically, this is free, but paid therapy…

Anyway. Returning to the topic of today. You are dead. For me, it has been about three months, but it feels like everything happened yesterday. Most days I wish I had remained trapped in there with everyone. Mostly with you. I don't know what I would have done, and thinking about it now, maybe I would have removed my mask and died. Not on purpose, but maybe just a little bit. 

I don’t remember your last words to me. I know they were something along the lines of “leave me and my wife alone”. Or at least I think they were. I haven’t had the courage to ask Athena yet. Probably never will. But what I do remember is what you wanted your last words to me to be. “I love you, kid.”

Wow, even writing that hurt. 

As you know, my dad was… well he wasn’t a great dad growing up. You know, having been born an organ donor for my now dead brother. 

When I started working at the 118 I was still a child. Mentally. I had not yet found myself and I was a mess. I admit it. But you still took me in, and made me feel part of the family. Immediately. Almost no questions asked. You took me under your wing and I really appreciated that. 

I don’t remember when you started calling me “kid”. I just remember starting to look forward to it. Wanting to go to work, then talk to everyone, to you. You were one of the best people I knew. 

And now you're dead. 

I don’t know what to do about that. You would be disappointed if you knew how I dealt with the situation. I know that. 

Pushing the people I love away is never a good idea. I know that. I know what I did was and is wrong, but I was so frustrated at the time. With everyone. I know it’s stupid, and everybody was grieving. But still, why did it feel like everybody was supporting each other, and I was just standing alone. Trying not to break down every time I arrived for another shift. And nobody noticed. And why should they have. Everyone was grieving. The entire fire house. But I feel so incredibly alone. Do you remember when my sister went missing? I do. And I get that he’s her husband, and they have a kid, and she was pregnant, but why was I alone? Why was I alone, comforting myself? Why am I now comforting myself? 

I know this is selfish, I just need someone to care, and not be indifferent. To understand what I’m feeling. 

You were that person. And now you're dead. What am I supposed to do with that? I’m mad and sad all the time. I’m exhausted and I just wish none of this even happened. Your death was so unnecessary. If you just would have told us, we could have helped you. But you decided to sacrifice yourself. 

You said you didn’t want to die, but why does it feel like a lie. Why did it feel like you wanted to leave us to go back to your family. I know this is selfish. This is so incredibly selfish but I have to write this down or I’ll go crazy. I feel like I’m already going crazy. 

And on top of it all I pushed everyone away. I did do it on purpose, if I’m being honest. I regret it almost every day. Some days though, some days I’m happy I did. Some days I feel like my life is better. Everything reminds me of the people I lost. The people who left. 

And yes, this may be selfish, but why is everyone so keen on leaving me? I feel like it was easier to let people go, to push them away, then remain with them and be a burden. A selfish one. 

See, I’m selfish. 

This letter is titled to you, yet I’m only talking about myself. 

You were the best person I knew. The one that showed me how much of a good person I could be. And you’re dead. You have been for the past 3 months ans I don’t think I’ll be over it for a very long time. I feel sorry for Athena, because she must feel 10 times worse than me. Yet, she’s handling it. It looks like it doesn’t even bother her. I know it does. Of course it does. I wish I could react the same way she did. It would be so much easier. 

But I was never one to make things easy. 

I hope you reunited with your kids and your wife up there. If such a place even exists. I don’t know what I belive. I just want to think you are happy and that you are looking over me. And the 118. They all need it. 

Thank you for being the best capitan someone could ever have and ruining the firefighter experience for me forever. I’ll always be grateful for that. 

I never got to say it, but I love you too. 

Kid. 

Chapter Text

Fuck. 

Fuck, now Eddie is crying. Jesus. That was… Eddie doesn’t have words for it. He feels exposed. And guilty. Because he never noticed. He didn’t even think about it. How could he not have noticed? How…. 

Buck was hurting, and Eddie hurt him more. He knew his words had stung, but he didn’t think he would still think about them 5 years later.

This felt way too personal to put in a book, if Eddie is being honest. But he can also see how this could help other people. Help them grieve, knowing other people are also going through a similar experience. Eddie is sure he would have broken down completely if he read this 5 years ago. He’s glad he didn’t. Well, maybe not entierly….

(21:38)Are you alright?

(21:38)Yes, these days more than usual. 

I guess you read the chapter?

Yeah.

You know, it takes a lot of courage to publish something like this. 

I mean not really. 

I just read through it then send the second chapter to a publicist, who loved it. 

It was beautiful. 

You even managed to make me cry

Shit, sorry. 

Is this a good time to tell you it gets worse?

How? How could this get any worse. Oh my god. 

I guess you’ll see.

Your Book is so mentally draining I need to go to bed. 

At the same time though it's like a lullaby. I don’t know what’s worse…

I don’t know what to say

Goodnight

Night.

See you tomorrow

( Eddie reacted to the message with a thumbs up)

(Eddie reacted to the message with a heart)

——————————————

The next day comes quick. A dreamless, peaceful sleep.Too peaceful in fact. Eddie looks at the clock on his nightstand. 9am. He sighs. 

The second chapter really did drain him. Emotionally mostly. He grabs his phone, intending to scroll through it before having to stand up and get ready to meet Buck. After almost 5 years. 

Eddie groans. And he does that again when he sees that he has an unread message from Maddie. 

Maddie

(7:31) Hey Eddie. 

Buck told he you’re meeting for coffee today. 

(8:58) Hi

Yes, we are. In about 2 hours. Any advice?

(9:18) Mostly to give him a break. 

How much have your read of the book?

The first two chapters. 

Why?

Oh don’t worry. You’ll get there. I already finished it. 

Eddie groans as he sits up, rubbing his face with his free hand. 

The first chapters were so mentally draining. Not in a bad way but…

Yeah. I know. I’m not sure it gets better. 

I gave mine to Chimney today, so he’s reading it too. 

I think he’ll take longer to read it though. 

Less than you though.

Ha ha. 

But really, does it get that much worse?

I don’t think I’m mentally strong enough for more of that. 

…

I think you’ll like the last chapter if that is a consolation.

You better, actually. 

Oh great, now we passed to threats…

Pay respect to your elders Diaz. 

Also, I wanted to organize a day to bring Jee-Hun and Kevin to yours, so they can catch up.

Yeah sure. I’ll have ro check with Chris when he’s free, but he’ll love for them to come over. 

I’ll just text him. 

(Eddie reacted with a thumbs up)

—————————

Okay. It’s 10:58. He is at the coffee shop. Waiting. His leg moves up and down, not wanting to stop. His heart. Well, it’s not behaving normally at the moment.

Why is he so nervous? No idea. I mean. He has barely talked to Buck in the last 5 years and now they’re talking again, which is fantastic, but again, time passed. Eddie’s not sure if they have anything in common now. Anything to tell. For some reason he has never been good at keeping friends when they are far away. He was trying, in Texas, he doesn’t know why he stopped. Or, well, he suspects. 

Buck wrote a Book in the last 5 years. A good one. One that keeps Eddie busy and gives him an insight of what Buck thought. Talking of Book, it’s currently sitting in his front car seat. 

“Hey.” 

Eddie looks up, and-

Nothing. Actually nothing. 

He smiles back and stands up. “Hey, Buck.” He goes for a hug. It’s reciprocated. 

He sits down and his leg has already stopped moving. His heart calmed down significantly and his chest feels lighter. 

“How have you been?”

The conversation starts to flow immediatly. They get coffee, and talk. About everything that happens. It’s Eddies turn to talk first. He tells him how when he moved back to Texas after the funeral he started to hate it there. And so did Christopher. The details of it. How they decided to go back to LA after a few months, and thank god they still had the house. How Chimney immediately offered his position at the 118 back. How something was still missing. (It was more Buck than Bobby, but he did not say that out loud). He talked about some crazy emergencies. Chris’s college, how it’s going. The fact that he is actually going to college. “It”s crazy to think that so much time has passed already. I mean, he was seven when you met him.” And Buck laughs. 

He seems happy. Eddie can see his tired eyes, but they are starting to fade, the more he talks. He doesn’t bring up Bobby. Or the one time a guy came to the firehouse screaming and crying about them not being able to save his husband from a fire. Turns out that the husband died in the building a few minutes later after Buck got struck by lightning. That story stuck for a while. 

But Eddie talks. For about an entire hour he talks. Here and there, there are some remarks, some “You’re kidding me?” and some other phrases people use to fill the short silences between one story and the other. But it’s pleasant. And it’s like no time has passed. 

When it’s Bucks turn to talk, after Eddie had run out of stories that he remebered, the roles reverse. 

Eddie is listening intently how Buck tells him, a bit with less enthusiasm, about the place he moved in when he left. How he has a little garden that reminds him of Bobbys old house, the one that burned down. How he started working at the homeless shelter, how he and his coworkers went out of their way to help anyone they could. Good person or not. Eddie really admires this side of him. 

Buck tells him how he met this coworker, who reminded him of Tommy, and how they absolutely despised each other from day one. Eddie almost spits his coffee. He tells him about a teenager who was kicked out from her parents house the day she turned 18 two years ago, and how they meet up almost once a week. Eddie teases him for practically having adopted a child. Buck smiles and shows him a picture of this girl. Eddie realizes that he went to her house when she was 16 for a “domestic dispute”. He doesn’t tell him that. 

Buck tells him what he has been up to in his free time, which is not much, and how he missed having someone to tell crazy stories to. 

Again. It’s like no time has passed. 

Buck finishes talking on the 2 hour mark, and then they just sip their second coffe in silence for a while. The silence is pleasant. The people around them are talking, moving, but Eddie barely registers that. 

He decided not to bring up the book today. It’s a delicate argument, he understands that. He doesn’t want to ruin the peace yet. 

—————————

He comes home tired but happy. Even though he drank 2 cups of coffee, the only thing he wants to do is lay down and sleep. It’s 2pm, and he and Buck ate at the coffee shop, still talking. Both of them avoiding serious topics of course. He almost forgets to grab the Book when he gets out of the car. He promised Buck he would write to him, reviewing every chapter. He says Eddie became a critic, knowing every detail of Bucks life. Eddie likes that. 

He knows someone’s home when he opens the front door. 

“Dad! Finally, I have been waiting for you!” Chris calls from the couch, turning his head. “Didn’t you have a class half an hour ago?” Eddie laughs. He feels lighter. “No, I finished class half an hour ago.” Chris smiles back, then looks down at Eddie's hands. He grins. “I got it too!” Chris holds up Bucks book, smirking. “Wait, don’t move.” Eddie instructs him, pulling out his phone and taking a picture. “I’m going to read it right now.” Chris states, as he opens the first page of the book. “What’s for dinner?” “Takeout.” Chris laughs. 

Eddie opens his chat with Buck. He sends the picture he took of Chris grinning, while holding up the book. 

 (2:32)Expect to be swarmed by messages! 

Buck answers fast. 

I can’t wait :)

Eddie has to laugh at the little smiley face. 

————————

It has become sort of a routine, reading before bed. Eddie found out that it isn’t true that you can’t stop reading a book after you get to an interesting part. He finds that the more he saves for later, the more he enjoys it. If his expectations are met of course. He doesn’t think they could not be, with this book. 

Chapter Text

Chapter 3

Don’t call

Since I’m saying goodbye to every person I’ve lost, I guess it’s your turn now. I’m not sure what exactly you were to me. 

My first love, maybe, definetly my first heartbreak, and well… too old for me. Sorry, I’ve been writing so many depressing thinks I would just like to crack a joke, here and there. I think you’re the only person I where I actually feel comfortable doing it. I guess that says that I’ve healed. 

Past me would probably wish you could see me, or well, you could have seen me… before everything. I don’t want that. I’ve been over you for a while. A long while. I’m writing this because I’m scared of writing to more important people. Sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. Or maybe I did. Maybe I still resent you a little bit. For leaving. I guess I’m allowed to do that. With you, I don’t feel like I’ve ruined everything. I don’t feel like it’s my fault that you left. 

I know why you did. I always knew. It took me a lot of time to accept that, I guess. But, I think I want to thank you. You know, without you, I don’t think I would be the same person. You indirectly helped my sister find a job, and now she has 2 kids and a husband who would do anything for her. You helped me grow into a decent person. Bobby always insisted I did everything. But I think I should give you a bit of credit for it too. Oh, and guess what?

I dated your ex-fiance. I know, ironic isn’t it. I even laughed writing that. It was a funny story. Still is. If I want to make someone laugh at the shelter, I tell them about this. It is a funny situation, you have to admit that. It didn’t last long. With both of you. I guess I made the same mistake both times. But that’s okay. I think. 

I got over it. 

I hope you’re happy with your now husband. Honestly, I would have appreciated a warning. You know, that you were breaking up with me. I know I assumed it too, but you were the one who stopped anwsering my calls. 

Well, maybe we are a bit similar after all… I think I’m almost the age you were when you met me. Isn’t that funny. 

I understand you now. I have for a while. But that doesn't mean I sometimes still resent you for leaving. I’m allowed to do that. I should have seen it coming. Maybe. People around me did. 

Well, with this book I’ve already established me being the problem… 

Anyway. I hope your the happiest you’ve ever been. Don’t call. :)

Buck. 

Chapter Text

Eddie immediately opens his messages 

 (21:39) YOU WROTE A CHAPTER FOR ABBY?

Out of ALL people, you decide Abby?

BUCK!

(21:42) That reaction is a bit dramatic I have to say….

Trust me, it is not. 

Abby? Really?

I mean, the chapter was wonderful, as always but ABBY? 

Wow, I didn’t think you hated her so much.

Oh I do. 

And I met her ONCE.

I even hate her more than Tommy.

Weren’t you friends with Tommy?…

Stopped the second he broke up with you. 

You were devastated. 

I was dramatic.

Please tell me you didn’t write about Tommy. 

…

Oh are you kidding me?

I told you, I don’t do spoilers. 

Asshole

(21:48) Oh you like me.

(21:57) :)

(22:22) Eddie?

(22:27) I’m back. Phone’s dead. Sorry. 

But no. My point stands. I cannot deal with reading about your exes. 

Also, I want you to know that you had every right to be mad. People make mistakes you know. And I’m not talking about you, you never did anything wrong in your life. Okay, well, maybe the lawsuit was shit, but still, not your fault. She did leave, but she didn’t deserve you anyway. If anything, she is at fault because she came back with a fiance. A FIANCE. Like what was it? 2 years later? That is a shit thing to do no matter what. But seriously. You’re not to blame. 

Thank you

Goodnight! 

Night :)

Despite everything, this was a very light and short chapter. So he decides to read another one.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4 

Blame

I don't blame you, you know. Well, you probably don’t, but that’s okay. It’s not actually. I changed my mind. I should tell you. But you know how after a while, you just get too embarrassed talking to someone again, you sometimes like to pretend they don’t exist anymore? 

I know it’s not fair. I know. And I take full responsibility for it. You raised 2 perfect children. And you’re not even finished raising them. Maddie constantly says how good of a father you are. How good of a capitan you are. I want you to know I never doubted it. Well, maybe I did at some point, but that was before Bobby. When I wanted to prove to myself I was worth something. 

I’m really sorry for how I’ve been treating you, you know… I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole. I hope you know that 118 was never just a number. Never. Not even before I got to the firehouse. You know whats funny. In Italy the number 118 was used to call an ambulance. Like how the 115 was the firehouse, or 112 the police. Now they only use 112 to make it less confusing for people. It’s an interesting fact. 118 was never just a number. And you are part of it. You’re the caitan of it, honestly. 

I wish I could say I wasn’t jealous in the beginning, but let’s be honest. I wouldn’t be me without a little bit of resentment. 

But I don’t blame you. I don’t think I would have coped if you had died. And not only because of Maddie. Bobby did good, saving your life. I hope people told you that. If not, well, there it is. Bobby made the right choice saving you. You have you’re entire life in front of you, a child on the way. You couldn’t have survived any other way. I wish with all my heart that Bobby were still alive, but I think you know more than me that he isn’t. That he is in a better place, with his family, well part of it, like you are with your family right now. You both are where you want to be. I’m sure Bobby doesn’t regret saving your life. I don’t think he ever would. Even if he were alive. 

It was hard to talk to you in the beginning. I needed someone to blame, at least for a while. I needed someone to get mad at, because being mad at the world isn’t right. I needed someone. 

I want you to know that this is not at all an excuse. Far from it actually. 

This is me taking accountability. Or least it should be. 

I want to make sure you know that I don’t blame you for Bobby dying. You had nothing to do with it. Nobody knew. Bobby made sure of that. He didn’t regret it, he is never going to regret saving you. You deserve to be here just as much as him. I want you to know that. I know I hurt you. I’m really sorry for that. As you probably know, I’m impulsive. Very impulsive. I try to explain things that are unexplainable. I’m always one step in front. Too stupid, because your right behind me, exactly where you should be. I crossed the line. As I did so many times in my life. 

I’m sorry for that. I’ll never stop apologizing for that. I want you to know that. 

You are one of my closest friends, and I know I made some big mistakes, but I hope you might forgive me. 

Honestly, this letter made me feel better about myself. Just a little bit. You have every right to be mad at me, but I don’t know what else to say to make you change your mind. And I’m not going to say anything else, because I don’t want to push. I just want you to know these things. Then, everything else is up to you. Only you can decide. No pressure. 

Buck :(

Chapter Text

Well, that clarified some things at least. Eddie should have gone to sleep. He rubs his hands on his face. 

At least Chimney had an answer now. 

(23:00) He’s going to forgive you.

Eddie doesn’t give context. Buck already knows what he’s talking about. And with that, he goes to bed, his chest heavy.

He finds a message from Buck when he wakes up. 

(23:43) Wouldn’t be so sure about that. 

Eddie has to roll his eyes. 

(4:30) I am. 

That’s Chimney for you. 

He can’t stay mad at people for too long.

I’ll talk to him today, if you want. 

(5:01)I don’t think it’s that simple, you know… 

Also, I want this to be his decision.

(5:03) First of all, what are you doing awake already, it’s 5am.

Second, Buck, really. It’s Chimney. 

I know. He scares the shit out of me. 

Eddie laughs, slightly.

You get along with Athena though, Chimney can’t be worse.

This is where you are wrong my friend. Athena loves me.

So does Chimney, idiot. Now talk to him. If he’s not already written to you.

Maddie gave him the book 2 days ago. 

Oh, yay…

Have fun at work. 

I will not…

Talk to you later.

Later!

—————————-

Eddie gets to work at 5:39. He greets the night shift, who is leaving, looking exhausted. “It’s like if someone said the “q word”.” A  woman yawns, holding a mug of coffee, no uniform on. Eddie grimaces. “Hope it gets better.” She nods. 

Hen and Ravi arrive 5 minutes later, and Eddie recounters what the coworker told him. “And I had high expectation for this 48h shift.” Ravi sighs. Eddie shrugs, coffee mug in his hand. “Where is Chimney?” Hen asks, looking at her watch. 6:03. “I saw his car 5 minutes ago?” Ravi furrows his eyebrows. “Probably doing some paperwork.” Eddie shrugs, then grabs another mug with coffee. “I’ll ask if he wants breakfast.” 

He needs to talk to Chimney anyway. He’s not going to tell him what to do. Eddie just wants to see if he read the chapter and needs someone to talk about it. Maybe Hen would be a safer choice. Eddie thinks as he knocks on the office door. “Good morning.” He calls from outside. “Come in.” 

Bucks book is on Chimneys desk. Chimney is just tapping his fingers on the computer, rapidly. “I was right.” he says, then grabs a chair and drags it next to Chimney. 

“I was not expecting that.” Chimney sighs. “You should talk to him.” Eddie suggests. 

“I know. Honestly, I should have done it a long time ago.” Eddie nods, tapping absentmindedly on his coffee mug. “What he wrote about Bobby was… well, it didn’t make me less guilty about what happened, but then the 4th chapter?” Chimney sighs heavily and takes the book from the desk. “I wasn’t expecting it. Not even a little bit. I’m glad he wrote it though. I read the whole thing in 2 days, and I messaged him yesterday. He hasn’t answered yet.” Chimney explains. Eddie smiles, shaking his head. “He’s a coward. I told him to talk to you this morning. He’s been awake since around 5.” Chimney laughs, then smirks. “Honestly, I didn’t expect you to be calm about it.” he says. 

Eddie furrows his eyebrows. “Wait” Chimney gets more serious. “Tell me you read the entire thing?” “No?” Chimney groans. “Seriously? Eddie, can you read faster for the love of god.” “Well, I quite like my reading pace, thank you.” “Well I want to see your reaction.” “My reaction to what?” Chimney smirks again, then stands up. “No spoilers.” “Oh, go to hell.” Eddie laughs, a bit worried. He quickly opens his messages 

(6:14) Buck, anwer to Chimney

What are you, a mind reader??

The fact that you took 1 minute to answer that tells me enough.

…

Rude.

“Eddie, breakfast time!” Hen shouts. 

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

Dear Parents

Going no contact with you was probably the best thing I ever did. The fact that you barely noticed, well, that wasn’t as nice. I had hoped you would notice, at least a bit, so that I could tell myself you loved me for what I am, and not for what I was supposed to be. 

For those who aren’t up to date yet, I had a brother, Daniel. I never actually met him, because he died of cancer months before I was born. I was supposed to save him. That was my sole purpose. That is the reason I was created.  

I don’t mind as much, I really don’t, but I wish they would have treated me the same. Maddie says I look like him. I think my parents think so too. I don’t know what to think. I had a dream once, where I dreamed that Daniel was alive, and in that dream, my parents really loved me. You loved me. But I see that that was a mistake. Because I only exist because of his illness. I’m glad I’m alive, even after everything that happened to me, though I wouldn’t be me without my will to sacrifice myself. 

I needed loving parents. I needed them and you weren’t there. I deserve an apology. But I know it won’t come. I don’t expect it either. Maddie was an anchor for my entire existence. Still is. And I love her to death. But she’s not my mother, she’s my sister. And that is a very important distinction. 

I wish you had loved me more, I wish you had paid attention, but I’m glad you didn’t. 

That may come as a shock to you, but I'm happy doing what I’m doing. I love helping people and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Your love, or well, the lack of it, made me the person I am today. And I love the person I am today. People love the person I am today. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

In the beginning, I said this hoping I could convince myself. Then I joined the 118. I met the most wonderful people and I started to begin believing it. I knew it was true. People still love me for who I am, and that has to count for something. I know it does. 

I admit to have made it a bit more difficult when I left, but that's fine now. Do I have regrets, absolutely, but I’m glad you raised me the way you did. 

I wish you had told me sooner about Daniel. I would have understood. It would have hurt less, knowing. But you decided to hide it from me for years. I guess I can kind of understand that, but the fact that it took you 29 years? No, that was too long. You hid it until you couldn’t lie anymore. You should have told me earlier.

I hope you never read this, and I know this technically defeats the purpose of this chapter, but I don’t really care. 

Not Daniel…

Chapter Text

25 hours into the shift Eddie reads another chapter. He can’t fall asleep, so he might as well do something productive. 

The day was busy. 3 fires, with the number of victims a higher number than his fingers. Including his toes. Then there were some emergencies in the city, but no one died, though they made way too many stops to the hospital than Eddie would have liked. 

  (7:57) I don’t really know what to say about this chapter, Buck.

Eddie writes. His eyes feel heavy from the lack of sleep, and his mind can’t conjure anything meaningful at the moment. He gives up on sleeping and makes his way outside. He gets greeted by way too much sunlight. He groans, then rubs his eyes. He has the quickest shower possible, while he can, and gets dressed in his work clothes. 

He doesn’t know how much time he has before another emergency. It’s been 3 hours since the last one. He suspects Maddie is redirecting to other stations after Chimney had a breakdown after the last call. 

Eddie is pretty sure it wasn’t only because of the 5 year old child who was beaten half to death by his father. He hopes they talked. 

Hen greets him from the table, a mug with coffee in her hand. Eddie notices Buck’s book Chimney lent her hours ago. "Are Chimney and Ravi sleeping?” she asks. “Like a baby.” Eddie smiles as he pours himself some Tea. He has had enough coffee for today. “How is your reading time going?” Hen asks. Eddie shrugs. “I haven’t slept enough to form a deep enough opinion.” Eddie yawns. Hen narrows her eyes. “Where exactly are you?” “Starting Chapter 6.” “Oh you can’t be serious.” “Why does everyone ask me if I read the whole thing?” Eddie rolls his eyes, confused. “I don’t spoil.” Hen smirks. Eddie sighs.  

He opens his chat with Buck, who in the meantime has answered.

(8:19) Well, I wouldn’t know what to say either. 

I suppose this was like a filler chapter, I don’t know. 

(8:36) I hope you know that you didn’t deserve any of that. 

(8:40) I know. 

It’s still nice to hear that though. :)

I’m glad. 

Eddie sits in the kitchen for an unknown amount of time, scrolling on his phone. The firehouse was cleaned from head to toe mere hours ago. They’ll have to do it again, but not now. Ravi wakes up, and they all collectively decide to let Chimney sleep more. 

Then feels his phone vibrate. -Athena- flashes across his screen. He excuses himself.

“Hello?” he answers, sceptically. “Hey Eddie.” Athenas voice is soft. Too soft. “Did someone die?” he asks, doing a mental check on every person he cares about. Athena chuckles. “No, don’t worry. I just wanted to ask you how you’ve been doing.” Eddie furrows his eyebrows. “Uhm.. I’m doing fine, why? I mean, I’m on a 48 hour shift with Chim, Hen and Ravi, and that was pretty busy. Are you doing okay?” Eddie is still not sure if he should be worried or not. 

“Oh, don’t worry, everything and everyone is fine Eddie. Hen tells me you like Buck's book.” Okay, again? “Yes, of course I do. Why does everyone keep asking me that?” There is a moment of silence on the other hand. “Well, I just wanted to see if you read the whole thing.” Eddie sighs. “No, not yet. I like to savour my books, unlike everyone else it appears. I assume you finished it?” Athena laughs. “I did, yes. Well, tell me when you finish it. Or I suppose I will know.” “You are all acting way too mysterious.” “Goodbye Eddie.” she laughs “Bye…” Athena is the one who hangs up.  

(9:28) Buck, out of curiosity what exactly did you write in your Book?

(9:31) ???

Everyone has been very cryptic about the end of your book. Even Athena called. ATHENA.

…

No seriously, I’m getting worried.

I suppose you’ll see?

I’m starting to want spoilers.

Yeah, well, remember to be open minded…

???

I wrote to Chimney!

Way to change the subject but I’ll let it go. 

That’s great, really? What did he say?

I mean, nothing specific, but we are going out for beers tomorrow. 

Well, that’s great.

Yeah, I have the chance to get blackout drunk before he even arrives. This is genuinely great. 

Eddie has to hold back a laugh. Then the alarm sounds. He sighs. 

Saved by the bell! We’ll talk about this later.

Bye!

Stay safe!!

They return and Chimney and Ravi go to sleep. “Eddie” Ravi yawns at 3am. “You sleep now.” he stretches out on the sofa in the kitchen. Eddie nods, removing his jumper as soon as he enters the dormitory. Chim is snoring. He gets Buck’s book and opens it. 

Chapter Text

Chapter 6

First

Ok, I want to start this Chapter by saying that I’m not doing this for therapy anymore. This is now for the world to see. Officially. I had an idea before, but now it’s official. Turns out a lot of people are interested in an autobiographie that talks about how miserable someone else’s life is. I suppose I can understand that. It makes your life less shit. Well, if you’re not the one writing it of course. BUT. This is purely also to say things I never actually had the coursge to say. Which turns out, is a lot. And also, so I can talk shit, especially to some people, as you have seen…

This chapter is not exactly a letter. More like venting. But directed at a specific person. 

God, this is definetly a first. 

And this is how I’m starting this. You know why.

First of all, finding out you’re Bi in your 30s changes… Honestly changes just the people you date. In my life at least. Which I’m so grateful about. But it was wierd. I thought I just started to have my life under control and then BOOM. 

You like men. 

Surprising to say the least. 

Not only was this so confusing at the time, but I misinterpreted SOO much. Jelousy and being attracted to someone. Somehow they switched in my mind when it came to men. This is how I started dating him. 

It’s not that I can’t say his name because I’m still not over it, far from it actually. 

He doesn’t even deserve being given a name here. And also, I want to protect peoples privacy… Don’t know how good I’m doing, but…

I’m just irritated now, but he wasn’t so bad. He was a good person, under, maybe a bit too under (I’m kidding (maybe)). 

As he said. I was his first. Apparently dating men comes with a pamphlet that I didn’t recieve. Because tell me why this man told me that because he was my first boyfriend I would leave him. Did I leave him? No, he left me. I would have left him with time, but he literally broke up with me because I asked him to move in (I got broken up the same way more than once, which, I should ask myself questions about…) and he made this Speech about how in the future we would break up because he was my first boyfriend. Huh?

And not to mention, after we broke up, we slept toghether once, and he was super sweet when I woke up. He made breakfast and everything, bought Champagne, and we almost got back together, until he said that “the cometition left”. 

What competition? Excuse me? Turns out, he saw somene as competition, and now the “the cometition wasn’t here anymore” we could finally date again. 

Like. 

What do you mean you saw someone as competition, you didn’t tell me, he was another reason you broke up with me, again, DIDN’T TELL ME, and decided we should break up. Like, where is the communication?

Like, I wouldn’t have broken up with him for this.

Well-

Anyway, after he said this I obviously got mad, because, you can’t just drop that in a conversation after sex. 

So I hit him with: “I don’t have to sleep with anyone who I have feelings for and I don’t have to have feeling for everyone I sleep with.” 

I regretted it in the beginning, but now... I know I did the right thing. 

Also, the woman I wrote a letter for, 2 Chapters ago, well, she was my first love practically. 

She was older than me. Like, i was in my late 20s and she was in her 40s. No judgment okay…

Anyway, she had this fiancee, and once I was talking with my boyfriend and he’s telling me that when he found out that he was gay he had to break his engagement with this woman. And he talked about how the woman then dated a, and I quote “Himbo half her age.” 

This woman was my first love. That was ironic. Me and my boyfriend dated the same woman. Funny, haha. 

Yeah no. 

So practically my boyfriend called me a himbo who dates older people. And honestly, ironic, because HE was the old one, in that current situation. So yeah, questionable partner I had. 

And this is now all thankfully over, but I just want to say how much bullshit it is that because someone is your first they can’t be your last. 

If you start with this mentality, you’ll never find the right person. Trust me. 

Ironic how this is probably the longest chapter yet, and I’m just insulting my ex in it. I guess I had a lot to say…

And I swear to god if you call me Evan one more time I’ll punch you. There is a reason why almost nobody calls me that. 

not fucking Evan. :)

Chapter Text

(3:28) I love you and this Chapter.

Eddie sends this without hesitation. He should have had some. 

(3:31)Sorry which chapter are you on again?

(3:31)Tommy’s. 

Amazing

Oh, that.

But I have some questions. 

Should I be worried?

Depends. 

First.

It’s almost 4am. Do you ever sleep??

I do… Just, insomnia, you know…

Oh.

Yeah, every little noise wakes me up, lately.

Wait, do my messages wake you?

Other things wake me more often.

You should have told me. I wouldn’t have written you if I had known.

No.

Please do. It’s much better than waking up because of the ticking of the clock. 

Now I belive you had some questions?

The master at avoiding conversations

I’ll let it slide. 

First question: 

 What do you mean first and last? 

Ok, well…

Before breaking up with me Tommy told me that your first Boyfriend can’t be your last. That is the less complicated version.

I swear I’m this close on going to that fightculb again.

Please don’t.

Now let’s get to the important questions.

…

YOU SLEPT WITH TOMMY AFTER YOU BROKE UP?

And you didn’t tell me? I don’t know if I should be offended or appalled…

Well… I actually didn’t know how to mention that I brought my ex boyfriend in your house and slept with him. 

IN MY HOUSE?

In my defense I was renting it.

IN MY HOUSE?

Oh my god,I need to get that image out of my head. 

In MY BED.

I’m sorry would you have prefeared the couch? Also, the furniture was mine…

Still… I’m scarred for life…

Oh and let’s talk about “competition”. Like what was THAT? 

yeah. that was also questionable.

Very.

You have to tell me who the “competition” was though. 

?? 

You serious?

?

Eddie…

Oh god. 

I wasn’t.

Did he just?

Assume? 

He did. I screamed at him for it, though. 

Jesus.

I’m at a loss for words. 

I mean.

Shit wait.

Did Chris ever tell you my revelation?

Um. I don’t think so?

…

You remember the time I was complaining about how I didn’t want to perform while dating?

Yes. You fixed that issue after, right?

Well, technically yes. 

Turns out the problem was the women, not the woman. 

This is not how Eddie wanted to come out, in all honesty. Especially after realizing the person who he was attracted to for years was Buck. And not only that, Tommy assumed. And apparently Tommy realized, before Eddie. Which is a lot more concerning, if he’s being honest. Buck still hasn’t answered. It’s been two minutes, and Eddie doubts he can sleep without an answer. But nonetheless, he had a very tiring shift, so his eyes automatically close.

That is until his phone vibrates on his stomach. 

(4:19) Congratulations! 

I really don’t know how to act to someone coming out, sorry. I literally googled it. 

Welcome to the club! 

Do the others know, or should I keep this secret?

(4:23) You probably fell asleep. 

Talk to you tomorrow. 

(Google says to tell you that I’m proud of you (I am!))

Eddie smiles and types.

Thank you Buck!

The others know, don’t worry. Hen won the bet.

Oh so you know about the bet…

Yep. You still owe 60$ to Hen.

In my defense I didn’t see it coming.

Likewise asshole…

Hey! 

Sleep Buck. 

Yeah yeah :)

Eddie feels so much lighter now. So much stuff has changed since they met, yet, everything is still the same. Excluding the fact that they don’t work together anymore. That stung. 

Chimney has managed to keep the position open for 5 years. “Nobody is fit for this role”, is what he tells everyone, but Eddie knows. These are just words. Just in case.

Just

In

Case.

3 words, 10 letters. 

These mean as much as 3 words, 8 letters.

Chapter Text

The rest of the shift is quiet. It is never said out loud, but it’s the only word Eddie can think of when describing this part of the 48h shift. In just 1 hour he’s going to have 3 days off, and then come back for a 24h shift. If he’s lucky nobody needs replacement. But that rarely happens anyway. Unless someone dies. It hasn’t happened in a while. Less than 5 years, sadly. 

Everyone is just sitting around, reading, scrolling on their phone, just being busy. Eddie is fidgeting. They’re going to meet for a beer tomorrow night, with Buck, and you can feel the tension rising. On Chimneys part especially. He has Buck tonight.

Ravi sighs and stands up. “I’m going to clean the truck, the last time the B-shift said it was still dirty.” “I’ll help.” Hen stands up too, “the dishwasher is almost finished, can somebody unload it?” Eddie looks up and nods. “I’ll do it no problem.” Hen smiles as she and Ravi make their way downstairs. 

“They know, do they?” Chimney closes his book. “I didn’t tell them anything. But the tension is palpable. Usually you would be doing paperwork now, not reading.”

Chimney sighs loudly. “What am I supposed to tell him?” Eddie shrugs. “I think you should start light, you know. Asking how the years have been.” “Okay, but Maddie already tells me everything.” “It’s not about what you know, Buck definitely knows that Maddie tells you everything, but it’s about what he wants to tell you. And also, just to break the ice a bit. The. tell him what you did in the last years. And then talk about the heavy stuff. He has a 

ot to tell, trust me.”

Chimney rubs his face with his hands. “I know. He’s Buck. He’s literally my brother. In law, but at this point that barely counts.” Eddie chuckles. “I’m so nervous to meet someone I was so close to. It’s irrational.” “Maybe.” Eddie whispers. “Still, it would be worse if you weren’t.” 

“I suppose you are right.” Chim claps his hands on his knees and stands up. He smiles. I can so get drunk before he arrives.” Eddie laughs now. “Great minds think alike. He plans on doing the same thing.” “Not if I get there first. I’ll be in my office. I’m behind on paperwork.” 

“Called it!”

——————————————

It’s at 8pm Eddie receives the call. 

He cooked, and managed not to burn anything, and Chris told him he was very proud of him, which didn’t feel like a compliment. 

Chris told him all about school, and how he forgot how funny Buck was, showing him texts between them. He gesticulated about the book, which he had finished reading the day before. Eddie asked him if he had been neglecting college because of a book, and Chris just sipped on water, not answering him. 

Eddie asked about the ending, and Chris smirked so hard his upper lip split from the fall he had 2 days before. Chris proceeded to ignore the questions Eddie had and telling him to “just read Dad! I thought you liked doing that!”. And Eddie did. He does. 

But this is killing him. He doesn’t dare to spoil himself the book. He knows that since the book came out the instagram of the firehouse 118 and the twitter of the firefighters has been exploding with new followers, and comments. “It has become ridiculous." Joash lamented to him during a call. “All they talk about is the book, and how they loved it, and how they can’t wait.” Wait for what? Eddie never got an answer to that. Apparently people can be very good stalkers (they found out where Buck worked in less than 48h) and then they decided to share it on TickTock and Instagram. 

Chris showed him a review of the book that said. “Thank you so much for showing us your healing journey, and the hope you still have. After all that happened to you, I cannot imagine how brave you are.” and a 5 star review that just said, “FUCK OFF” nothing else. That made Chris crack up. He said, quote: “You’ll get it dad, don’t worry.” and snickered for the rest of the night. 

After dinner, Chris even started talking about how he loved the fact that he could have 2 dads because he would be immune to some of the jokes his classmates make, and Eddie felt way too old at that moment. Nothing prompted that conversation, and that is probably what confuses Eddie the most.

Nonetheless, the call comes at 8. 

“Hello?” 

“I can’t do it.”

“Buck?”  

“Eddie, he’s already inside !” Buck whisper-shouts into the phone. Eddie laughs, a little bit relieved. “Just go inside, everything is going to be fine. I talked to him this morning, he’s feeling exactly what you are.”

“You talked to him? When were you going to mention that!” Buck sounds all panicked, which makes it so much funnier for Eddie. Though he tries to compose himself. 

“Buck, I promise you. Everything is going to be okay. Just hang up the phone and go inside, and talk. Nothing bad is going to happen.” 

“You don’t know that.”

“I do, actually.” 

“Oh god he saw me! He’s waving.” 

“Wave back! And hang up. Call me after!” 

“Oh god, don’t hang up.”

“Alright, but you have to then.”

“I’m going in.”

“good!”

“I’ll call later.”

Buck is the one who hangs up. Eddie shakes his head and smiles. He opens his chat with Chimney and sends a quick message. 

“Don’t do anything you’ll regret. Both of you!” 

Chimney sends back a selfie of them smiling an hour later. 

—————————

“I’m surprised I didn’t get blackout drunk.” Buck tells him hours later. “And thank god for that.” Eddie smiles to himself. “Well, I wanted to, but we got so caught up in talking that none of us even got the chance to. Chim had already had a shot of something when I arrived, but he digested it pretty quickly after that.” Buck laughs and Eddie raises his eyebrows. “You are laughing wierd. Are you feeling the booze?” Buck laughs again. “How can you even tell, this is crazy.” “I was subjected to your rambling for 7 years.” “That you were.” 

There is a minute of silence after that. Both don’t know what to say. 

“So, the reunion is tomorrow.” Eddie starts, and Buck immediately groans. “Don’t remind me. I’m going to have a hangover, and then I’ll be drinking again.”

“Well, lucky you, I’m the designated driver.” Eddie remarks. He can practically hear Buck’s gears turning. “What if you drink and I drive?” Eddie stops to think for a moment. “Well, as long as you’re ready to meet Karen too…” 

“Oh of course!” Buck almost screams into the phone, and Eddie flinches away for a second. 

“I’ve been in contact with her.” It takes a moment for Eddie to process it.

“You have been talking to Karen?” there is a moment of silence on the other side. “Well, she knew a Therapist, and she gave me his number… And well, she asked me how it was going once in a while…” 

“Oh, now I’m furious.” Buck chuckles at his words. 

“You know, I found out you talked to Josh from him, the firefighter we helped back in Texas which I keep forgetting his name, Carlos or something, and now Karen? It’s starting to feel personal.”

“Wait, who told you about-” 

“Josh talks.” 

“My fault?” 

“Yes.”

There is another long pause, then Buck speaks. 

“Which chapter are you on again?” “Just finished the one from Tommy, I’m ready for another one when you hang up.” 

“Don’t.”

“Sorry.” Eddie sits up a little straighter. “Could you read it tomorrow, after we see eachother?” “Is everything okay?” 

“Well, you see… This chapter is kind of about you… so I would pefer if you read it later…”

Eddie blinks, once, twice, “You wrote a chapter about me?” 

“Maybe.” 

“I’ll read it tomorrow night then.”

“Thank you… It’s nothing bad, I swear.”

“Oh you would never write something bad about me.” Eddie tries to lighten the mood. It works. 

“Ha ha.” He can hear his smile from the phone. “I’m literally about to fall asleep,I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” 

“Of course, goodnight.”

“Night”

To put it lightly, Eddie is still processing. What? Everything. From the call to, well everything else. He thinks his heart is about to jump out of his chest? He stares at the book on his lap, really struggling not to open and read it. 

Buck wrote a chapter about him. He doesn’t know how to feel about that. He knows he’s not supposed to think like that, but he can’t really help it. He wrote a chapter to Chimney, to Abby, hell, even Tommy, but him? What did he do to deserve a chapter. He’s not going to be able to sleep like this. Ever. 

Eddie knows he promised, but he just can’t help it. 

He opens the book and looks at the chapter name. 

“Call”

He closes the book with a loud thud. Just the name makes him shiver. It is such a contrast from Abbys chapter, “Don’t call” which gives him hope. Well, hope is not the right words but it makes him ill, in a good way. Because he, accidenatally or not, got compared to who Buck called, “his first love”. And all that talk about Tommy and his “first and last”. 

Oh my god. He’s not going to be able to sleep. But he has to call someone. Anyone. It’s literally 1am, who would be awake at this hour. Then, he remembers. The date. He opens his phone. 

Lesbians and Eddie

(1:24)I have a fucking problem. 

A fucking big one. 

Fuck

Like, emergency. 

It takes, 2 minutes. 

(1:26) Omg Karen, the time has come!

Fucking finally!!

What?

THE BOOK EDDIE

Yeas, thank you, that is a problem. 

*Yes

Oh my he made a grammar mistake, this is SERIOUS. 

It very much is. 

Hen, you read the fucking book.

And Karen, I imagine you did too.

Yep.

I have been WAITING for this moment. 

I need someone to spoil it for me. 

SPOIL?

Edmundo. You did not come to us for SPOILERS. 

DID YOU EVEN FINISH READING IT?

NO

FUCK OFF WHY?

I’m with her for this one. 

Buck asked me not to. He said I should read it tomoorow, or well, after, because of the drink we’ll be getting.

Yes, I know.

ALOS.

Karen, you were in contact with Buck and didn’t tell me??

What?

Well, I can explain. 

Also, second grammar mistake. 

Fuck you.

Let’s get to the point. 

You have a crush on Buck.

Yes, I’ve known for years, that’s not what I’m talking about here. 

You have known for HOW LONG?

…

I don’t know what to say. 

Yeah, me neither. 

HE WROTE A CHAPTER ABOUT ME

YES. WE KNOW

I need you to tell me how bad it is.

1/10

8/10

Excuse me?

HEN

From his perspective it’s BAD.

You can’t say that!

I should have called Athena.

You should have…

Well thank you for nothing!

WAIT I HAVE QUESTIONS

And you’re not getting answers today. 

Bye.

Fuck we lost him. 

Why me…

At least tell me when you realized!

I need to know who won.

STOP MAKING BETS ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE!

Eddie harshly closes his phone and groans. Very dramatically. 

He needs to get his shit together. It’s just 24h. He can do that. 

He can definitely do that.

———————————

He can’t do this. 

3pm in the afternoon, running on 3 hours of sleep. He can’t do it. And to think reading should put him at ease, so he can look forward to it. No. Nope. He does not look forward to this. Eddie knows he fucked up when it came to Buck. Not once, many times. And now, having to see it all on paper. He’s going to die. 

He tried to keep himself busy. 

He woke up at 5am, made breakfast , because he was restless, and forgot Chris is at a friends house (again). He suspects she’s not a friend anymore, but he doesn’t have the mind to dwell about someone else’s love life. He ate breakfast, way too early, then went for a run, and to the gym.

People would think the gym would tire you. No. Not today, and not to Eddie. So, after running back to his house he tried to watch a movie. Very unsuccsessful. 

So he cooked. Again. And he didn’t burn anything, which he should be proud of, if it weren’t for the fact that he was so nauseous that he couldn’t even taste the pasta properly. Then he sat on the sofa, leg bouncing up and down, and looked at the closed television screen for 2 hours. Thoughts racing. Thinking. Paniking, mosty. 

So this is how he finds himself on the couch, TV open.  At 3pm, Book next to him, trying not to look. But, of course. He fails. Just a bit. It won’t hurt. 

Of course, he should have known better.

Chapter Text

Chapter 7 

Call

Am I really exhausting?

Well. I know this was a long time ago, and you probably don’t even remember saying that. But I do. I wish I didn’t, most of the time. Because asking you would be so much worse. I often find myself thinking about that. Which is stupid. This is probably one of the only 3 times you hurt me. Hurt is not the right word, but it’s the only one I can think of. 

I guess people are right when they say you are more likely to remember the bad stuff than the good. Lately, the bad stuff is the only thing I can think about. 

I don’t blame you for saying that. I really don’t. It hurt in the moment, but I was being insufferable that day. Or well, exhausting. But it’s fine. Really. I know it’s not an excuse for how I acted, but I still want to explain myself. Not so that you can understand, but just so that you know. Because I want you to know. 

It was hard. Getting my leg crushed by the firetruck was somehow better than not being able to go to work. Which is something not many people can say, I have to admit that. What broke me was the fact that Bobby didn’t think me stable enough to continue working. And I was. I mean, I wasn’t stable enough, but I needed the job to be stable. 

Being a firefighter had become the most important part of myself, and being pushed back broke me. 

So I made one of the stupidest decisions. But, it’s fine. I can’t change what I already did. 

I wish I could tell you so many things. But, I’m personally not ready yet. And the thought of putting it to paper terrifies me. I’ll be able, someday. 

What I can tell you, is how much I appreciate you. I really do. You are the best best friend I could ever have, and I’m so grateful you moved to LA. 

And then you moved to El Paso. 

I’m not going to lie, but that broke me a little bit. You were gone, and then Bobby died, and you returned,  but then you were gone again. One of the reasons I stopped calling was that I simply couldn’t handle it anymore. The thought of losing you for the 6th time was unbearable. I say 6th, because I’m counting all the ways I almost lost you. But I never really did, because we always found each other in the end. So, as the stupid person I was, I decided to be the one who should leave. And I did. 

I think the worst part is that I did it slowly. Less and less, one message per time. I don’t know if I did that because I couldn’t let go, or to make it hurt more. 

But please understand that the hurt wasn’t directed at you. Just at me. I never meant to hurt you in any way. Just as I’m sure you never meant to hurt me. 

It was a dark time, a sad time. And I regret almost everything I’ve done. Almost, because I got to know such wonderful people in the past 4 years. I regert it not doing it with you, with the others. 

So please, forgive me and call. 

Maybe even tell me that you miss me, so that I have the courage to tell you everything. 

Evan.

Chapter Text

Eddie pushes his palms against his eyes, just to stop the wetness from falling. Okay, that was fine. Nothing to worry about. 

He can’t think about the way Buck signed himself “Evan” because his heart is going to get ripped out. 

When he said “just a bit”, well, he should have expected that. But somehow, the chapter was so much worse, yet so much better than what he expected. He knew words could hurt. He experienced that himself, so many times. Yet, when it’s the person you care the most about you’re hurting… Then it’s so much worse. Because it doesn’t hurt you, but the other person too. Especially the other person. 

When he stops spiraling, Eddie gets ready. He’s numb, but he needs to get his shit together. Seriously. He promised Buck he wouldn’t read it today, and now, he’s paying the consequences. So, deep breaths in, and out. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Slow and steady. Just like he learned. Exactly like he’s used to. In and out. 

The rest comes automatic, his limbs moving on its own.

A shower.

In -

Hold breath for 8 seconds and put your head under the stream. 

Remove head

Out through the mouth. 

Five

Water, shower head, sink, towel, hairdryer. 

In and out.

Four

Boxers, socks, trousers, button up. 

In and out.

Three

In and out. 

Phone vibrating, open TV he forgot to close, open hairdryer.

In and out.

Two

His cologne, aftershave

In and out. 

One

In -

Pop a gum in the mouth

Out.

Now, Eddie is calm and relaxed. And, from experience, I’ll last the whole night. 

———————————

He’s not the first one to arrive. Maddie is already there. And Chimney, though he’s already getting drinks, but not in a “I want to get black out drunk” way. Maddie tells him Hen, Karen and Athena are on their way. Buck is still home. He’s nervous, he told Maddie. He also told Eddie, but he hasn’t answered yet. Maddie isn’t drinking. She stopped almost a year ago. She’s in charge of bringing Athena, Ravi and Chim home. Buck is in charge of bringing Eddie, Hen and Karen. Eddie tells her that. Maddie already knows. 

There is a few seconds of silence until Chimney returns. Maddie narrows her eyes, then sends Chimney to get the wallet she forgot in her car. 

“Is there something you want to talk about?” she asks, eyeing him suspiciously. Eddie blinks rapidly, “huh?”

“It seems like you’re thinking pretty hard, and Chimney hasn’t noticed, but the others will. So, what’s up?” Eddie swallows. “Nothing.” Maddie knows. 

“Did you finish it or is it the 7th chapter?” Maddie says “it” like it's something meaningful. Important and allconsuming. So, he gets scared. 

“Fuck.” Eddie curses and hides his head with his arms. “Second” he then mumbles. 

“Understandable reaction.” “Shut up.” he straightens up. 

“I promised Buck I wouldn’t read it today, and then I did, because I was so nervous, and I just couldn’t stop myself, and it was amazing, but it also broke my heart and I don't know what to do with that, not to mention I broke his trust, and I really didn't want to I really didn’t, I just wish things were easier because I can’t deal with it today, and I broke a promise and now I’m a bad person for doing that which is fair but also I really didn't mean to and I didn’t think I would react this way but I did so-”

“Eddie.” Maddie interrupts. “Are you planning on telling him that.” she gets serious. Eddie blinks, startled for a second, “Of course. Just, maybe not tonight. I don’t want to make it weird between us.” Maddie smiles, then, as Eddie has answered the question right. “Now, we can’t talk about it for long, because Chimney is going to come back shortly, but I need you to understand that you can’t do anything irrational, or stupid or whatever, because other people are also affected.” 

Eddie furrows his eyebrows,” why would I do something like that?”

"Because It's not getting better.” 

“Huh?”

“Yeah.” 

“What do you mean it’s not getting better?” He hisses at her. 

“The book. Well, the closer to the end the angsty the chapters are. And you… Well, you are 3 chapters from the end.” 

“Oh Jesus.” Eddie wants to bang his head on the table. This is just great. As much as Eddie appreciates Maddies bluntness, now it’s really not the time. Because he’s gonna die and cry until the end of the world if it gets any worse. Especially if he’s involved. 

“Hey Maddie, I didn’t find the wallet, you sure you don’t have it?” Chimney sits down next to her. “Oh, yeah, I actually found it seconds ago. It’s in my purse.” she smiles and pecks him on the cheek. Chimney sighs.

“Eds, you look really pale, you okay dude?” “Yep.” he pops the p. 

“Chim, I called you from the parking lot!” comes Hens' voice from behind him. Because of course Eddie is seated with his back to the door. He really needs to get it together. Athena's voice chimes in as she sits on one of the only two chairs, the other one occupied by Karen, “It’s really frustrating getting the bus from my apartment.” 

Chimney distributes the dinks while Karen gets herself a cocktail. “How are you doing Eddie?” Athena ask. He smiles. He’s gotten his shit together. “I’m doing well, thank you. I'm a bit tired, but I can't wait to get drunk tonight." She chuckles. “I feel you. I had to assist to 6 car crashes today. Thankfully no one died, but it was a lot of work.” Athena then suddenly smiles gaze catching behind him. “Hey Buck, good to see you!” 

He’s not getting it together fast enough. 

Athena stands and gives Buck a long hug. Eddie, who is recollecting himself smiles at him, finding Buck already smiling back. 

After that, it’s a lot easier than expected. He smiles, talks, keeps conversations going, and so on. Talking with Buck is a little more challenging, but still so… oh so easy. 

So it’s no wonder when Karen, Hen, Maddie and Chimney go to do a karaoke battle, that they start talking in hushed voices, Eddie a bit too drunk, Buck stone sober, but still an almost nonexistent space between them. 

Athena is filming the stage and Ravi, who was fashionably late, is deciding the songs for the Karaoke. It’s a good night. A really good one. And Eddie doesn’t ruin it. 

At some point, Eddie forgets when exactly, because he’s too busy looking at-… Well, whatever, the song “Stay with me” by Sam Smith comes on. It’s not Ravi's doing, but another couple, who apparently got mad at them for hoarding the Karaoke. So now the man is serenading what must be his fiancee, as there is an engagement ring on her finger. Eddie can become very observant when drunk. 

Eddie takes another sip from his, he lost count, beer, and leans back from the table. Buck follows him. It makes him want to giggle. But he’s not on that point yet. 

Why am I so emotional? 

No it’s not a good look, gain some self-control

Deep down I know this never works

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt

Eddie thinks about what Buck wrote and in a sur of the moment, because he’s drunk and so close he whispers.

“Hey, I really missed you, you know that?” he can see Bucks face light up. “Me too. Yeah, me too..”

So close.

But darling, stay with me

As the song ends everyone returns to the table and the moment is broken. But Eddie swears he saw Athena smirking.

——————————

When Eddie gets in Bucks car, after a few more drinks and a shot of something he feels lighter. The alcohol helped, but he knows that’s not the main reason. He’s the passenger princess, which just makes him burst into giggles, because he is at that point now, and when he explains it to Karen, she does the same. Hen just snorts and leans on her wife. Eddie wants-

Well, he just wants lately. 

He notices Buck getting in the car, because of course he does. He looks. He doesn’t stop, even when he gets out of the car for some reason. He blinks and he’s here again, smiling at him and speaking something slong the lines of “Let’s go home.” And Eddie likes this approach. He reaally does. 

What he likes less is having to close the door after Buck leaves him at the door. Buck makes a comment about the wall he removed a few years ago and Eddie laughs, because it was Buck’s idea.

The energy leaves him the second he lays down in the bed. 

———————————

Eddie is not hangover when he wakes up. It’s a strange feeling, considering the many beers he drank, but not unwelcome. So he takes all the time in the world to shower, have breakfast and go grocery shopping. It’s 1 pm when he returns and he ate 2 hours before so he opens messages. 

When he sees the unread messages, he just can’t.

(9:57)Hope you don’t have a hangover today!

Yesterday was a lot of fun!

Eddie has already seen all the pictures that were sent on the group-chat. He smiles nonetheless.

(1:07)I have to tell you something.

Which is probably not the best way to start this conversation.

Is everything okay?

Yes!

I just wanted to apologize because I wasnkt totally honest yesterday. I actually did read the chapter about me. 

I’m sorry. You’re not exhausting. I swear. I was mad and an asshole!

And I never wanted to hurt you in any way. 

Just so that you know it. 

I owe you so many apologies, and I’m still trying to find a way I can make up tonyou. 

The last thing he expect then, is an incoming call from Buck. Oh shit. 

“Hey.” he says, immediately picking up, refusing to think too much about it. “Hey. Um. How are you feeling?” Eddie relaxes slightly, “I’m great, you?” “I’m fine.” There is a long silence until they both speak at the same time “I’m sorry I didn’t te-” and “Why didn’t you te-”.

Then another second of silence and Buck laughs. It’s a nervous laugh. 

“I didn’t tell you yesterday because I was kind of ashamed I broke another promise, and I also didn’t want to make you unconfortable, because you said you weren’t but also I don’t think I would have been able to talk about it in detail with you yesterday.” Eddie explains. He hears shuffling on the other end, then, “Thank you for telling me. I can’t really dictate when you read something, but I didn’t want yesterday to be wierd between us-”

“It wasn’t.” Eddie jumps in. “I know. Thank you for not making it weird." Now, Eddie has to laugh, just a little bit. “Why would that make it wierd though? You just said things that you didn’t have the courage to tell me in person, and I think that’s really brave, but really, it wouldn’t have been wierd.” “Thank you. How have you been?” 

And so, they start talking. At some point they switch to FaceTime, so Eddie can start doing stuff around the house, and he also gets teased for having an apron that says “Kiss the Cook”. If Eddie blushes, it’s no one's business. 

Chris comes home too. He looks a bit surprised seing them on the phone, but this face immediately changes to absolutely extatic. He grabs the phone from Eddie and walks around the house, giving Buck a full tour of how they renovated the house and when he comes back, he adds, smirking, that he read his book. and that he loved it. For some reason, Buck goes red, and starts coughing. Chris just smirks and gives him a thumbs up. Eddie, is very confused. But he doesn’t think much of it. They call for hours, and they hang up when Eddie puts his finished, partially succeeded dinner on the table. 

Buck promises to call, and Eddie does too. 

Chris and him eat, and Chris does the dishes, because doing dishes is better than admitting to your das that you have a crush on someone so Eddie promises that they’ll do a movie night tomorrow, since they haven’t done that in ages (a month) and goes to bed. 

He opens the book and starts reading. 

——————————

Chapter 8

Death

In my life, I have dealt with so much grief I thought it was going to kill me at some point. It almost did, but the key word is almost. I always bounced back, and I have never wished I didn’t. So, 

Dear Daniel.

I don’t know how to start this letter. Because I don’t even know you. I know you from what little Maddie told me and from what my parents didn’t want me to do. I know you had cancer, a red bike, light brown hair, and that you were loved. I’m jealous of that. 

How our parents loved you so easily, but when it came to loving me, it was a chore. I suppose I can understand why. They had lost a son, and gained one they wanted to save the other with. Very messed up, if you ask me. 

I think you’re subconsciously the reason I want to help people for a living, you know. I always felt something was missing at home. Something they weren't telling me. Crazy that it took them 29 years. 

For 29 years no one ever told me that I was supposed to have 2 siblings. An older sister, and an even older brother. No one told me that I was supposed to save you. 

On one note, I’m glad they didn’t tell me, but on the other, the reason why they never told me was selfish. They said it hurt too much. It hurt them too much. Huh. It hurt thinking about him.

The reason was’t because they didn’t want to put this burden onto a child, but because they didn’t want to hurt. 

I hurt a lot in my life. Physically and mentally. But that was a low blow, I’ll tell you that. 

I wished I could have saved you once. I even dreamed of you. When I was in a coma, or when I saw your baby box (because you had one, but I didn’t), I dreamed about my life if I could have managed to save you. I know I would be a completely different person. But I don’t want to be. 

I’m happy being who I am and I wouldn’t change anything if it means I’m here, at this moment. 

But I still grieve you. Every day. Every time I see a child with light brown hair, or a child in a hospital, or a mother with her son, or 3 siblings. I don’t think I’ll ever stop grieving you, even if I never met you. 

Because the fact that I didn’t, is enough. The fact that you’re my brother is enough. Even if you’re dead.

I’m not really the most religious person, but I like to think that you reunite whith everyone you love when you die. And I would like to get to know you. Even if you’ll be this stupid child who just wants to play tag. 

So, I’ll start with this.

Hi, I’m Buck!

———————————

Eddie has to blink a few times, before his vision goes back to normal. He shoots a quick text to Buck.

(22:29) One day you’re going to kill me with your writing I swear. 

Stop making me cry dude. 

Also, I don’t really know what to say, other than I’m proud of the person you are.

(22:31) Thank you, I really appreciate that!

Please, you deserve that and more.

Also, I wanted to ask you if we could hang out the day after my 24h shift that starts the day after tomorrow!

I want to properly catch up.

Absolutely!

I’ll text you the hours I’m free on Monday okay?

Thank you! 

I’ll talk to you tomorrow! 

Sleep, insomniac.

Haha yes!

Night! :)

Good night Buck!

And so, the next days pass in a blur. Tia Pepa visits and invites herself for lunch and dinner, they have movie night, which is great, but Eddie could feel Chris and Pepa conspiring against him and snickering. Then he goes back to work and everyone, Eddie’s not even joking but everyone asks how his reading is going, which is getting on his nerves, he messes up a call and someone dies because of it, so he calls Buck and they talk for what feels like minutes but it’s actually 2 hours. Two hours where he was supposed to sleep but he didn’t, and he doesn’t regret one second of it. 

Anyway, he finished the shift and goes home, has dinner, alone, because Chris is away and reads.

Chapter Text

chapter 9

my ninetyseven tribulations

*insert throat clearing for dramatic effect

We have come to an almost end of this very short, but very meaningful (at least for me) book. If you thought the title did not refear to any chapter in particular, you were wrong. Because now you’re forced to read the worst moments of my life until now, and I can bitch about it for pages. 

To summarize, you think your life was tragic? Read this and you’ll change your mind. Unless your one of my friends. Then, this is not going to be much news for you….

I have to be in a telenovela at this point…

Let’s start simple:

1. falling in love
2. Grief
3. Loneliness
4. Regret
5. Failing someone
6. estrangement 
7. misunderstanding
8. fear of death
9. guilt
10. isolation
11. impostor syndrome
12. difficulty of letting go
13. regret of wasted time
14. unfulfillment
15. watching friends drift apart
16. realizing your replaceable
17. comparing yourself
18. realizing you’ve hurt people unintentionally
19. unfulfilled promises
20. self-sabotage
21. forgiveness
22. facing him
23. facing them
24. my sexuality
25. my attitude
26. the bickering

These are the things that I don’t really have to explain in detail, and I’m glad about that. Now we get to the complicated stuff. 

27. my first love left me, promising to return-she never did.

28. my sister left

29. my first love left me

30. my best friend left mel

31. my boyfriend left me??

32. father figure died (this is so unfair)

33. developed depression due to prolonged recovery

34. realized my parents truly don't care about me.

"35. Love me anyway"

36. was in a coma

37. whatever the fuck my coma dream was about

38. found out my boyfriend was engaged to my ex-girlfriend (TRAUMATIZING)

39. had to carry my father's casket

40. i slept with my therapist (HOW IS THIS REAL?)

41. I couldn't protect my sister from her kidnappeer

42. Again, just this time the kidnapper was a serial killer (Nobody would believe me if I said that in public oh my god)

43. my leg got crushed under a firetruck

44. a pulmonary embolism (really how much worse can this get? A lot)

45. I sued the city (sorry)

46. survived a fucking tsunami

47. thought my best friends kid died in my care (wtf?)

48. "You're exhausting"

49. I was struck by lightning (HOW?)

50. a fucking well collapsed on the person I love (seriously why?)

51. my ex girlfriend got engaged without breaking up with me... (again, very telenovela-like)

52. my best got shot and was bleeding out in front of me... (jesus christ)

53. cursed by a corpse (seriously?)

54. literally manhandled a mummy (yeah....)

55. I lived in my best friends house until my father figure died

56. I believed one of my best friends was going to die alone in a lab and I couldn't do anything (why did I become a firefighter again?)

57. my family doesn't love me (blunt, I know)

58. I left my other family

59. having gay crisis in your 30s

60. confusing feeling of hate with crushes (I am not okay)

61. depression (again...)

62. depression (I know, again...)

63. why is everyone happier than me?

64. dreamed brother I never met was alive and he was kinda bad?

65. finding out I had a brother (Telenovela)

66. finding out I was created to save my brother (Telenovela pt2)

67. he still died (rude)

68. keeping this a secret for 30 years

69.1 was NOT. a teacher in another life

70. 2 years in isolation in a cramped up apartment

71. being too ashamed to stay in contact with the people I love

72. I had to date my first boyfriend (I regret that so bad but also not really)

73. I had to call my ex boyfriend multiple times for help after we broke up, because I'm dependent

74. dependent from others

75. attachment issues (basicallv the same but it's not

76. having to write this list (my life is better than 1 thought)

77. leaving my job

78. leaving my job (I almost did that once, then the second time I actually did)

79. still not being able to fully be myself

80. annoying according to some

81. did a super dramatic scene at a basketball court and it was so embarrassing

82. got kissed without warning by a man for the first time

83. finding out you're in love

84. found my friend bleeding out on my sisters porch (how are we alive?)

85. I was kidnapped in an ambulance (and then set free?)

86. I thought my best friend got shot. AGAIN. (seriously how is my life not a TV-Show)

87. I helped give birth to the woman I gave my sperm to (I'm not even joking)

88. TRAUMA

89. choked on a piece of bread on my first date and they had to call an ambulance (this is getting way too embarrassing here)

90. was suicidal (not my proudest moment)

91. VERY emotional person

92. lived in my ex-girlfriends house when she left me (see the pattern?)

93. cheated death so many times (jesus christ)

94. almost died in a fire because I "gave up" (I mentioned I'm in therapy right?)

95. had to see my father figure die and not being able to talk about it

96. suddenly being able to turn off my emotions

97. falling for you

So much stuff has happened in my life, things I couldn’t even imagine when they were happening. 

Yet, my biggest tribulation has always to do with love. The love for myself, my friends, my lovers, my family. Everything that happened happened because I loved. For years I thought of just giving up loving people, and I distanced myself. But humans need to be loved, they need to love. It’s written in our DNA. Without love we go crazy, literally. 

We surround ourselves with people we think are worthy, and sometimes they are, sometimes they aren’t. But really, loving someone is never the wrong thing to do. 

I love to think about the red string theory. Everyone’s soul is connected with someone, the perfect match, a person that they can love and cherish forever, made just for them. I used to wish something like that existed, but then, where would be all the fun?

Always looking for your person instead of finding yourself first. 

I’m happy to have loved as much as I have, which is a lot, since people tell me that I love too easily. But I think that’s the beauty of it. 

I’m not going to explain the stories I put in the list, because they are my and my friends stories, and I think I summarized them pretty well, especially considering almost every single one landed in a news article. 

I have to tell you, writing this list made me understand a lot about my life. The very high number, the person who said this quote, gave me, made me realize that at some point I didn’t even know what to put in there. Because I always thought my life was tragic, that I was a bad luck charm, but eventually, everyone runs out of bad luck. 

So, thank you for giving me this high of a number, but also, fuck you for giving me this high of a number. You know how many hours it took me to write this shit? Too many, dude, too many.  

Thank you very much for listening to my rant, and I’ll see you in the last chapter!

Buck!

Chapter Text

Eddie has to take many steps back right now. He rereads the chapter, but stops on the 3 points written in Bold. They are scattered during the chapter, but they make his breath catch nonetheless. 

Of course falling in love is one of the problems Buck would claim to have, but it’s clear he's talking about a specific person. And that scares the shit out of him, but also, it makes his insides crawl. He wouldn’t call it butterflies, because butterflies in the stomach are supposed to feel good. This just feels like a mixture of hope and regret. Or this is as good as he can describe it. 

“Falling for you” bounces in his head like a ringing in his ears he can’t get rid of. He wishes it could just disappear, but it’s persistent, and Eddie can’t imagine his day without it. 

Not to mention that he quoted him, twice. And the quote was probably the worst thing Eddie said about Buck. The other quote, is the literal title of the book. 

Eddie groans. 

What also rings, but this time in his heart, because either he’s having a panic attack, or he’s just very in love, is seeing the word “love” in context to him. Well, Eddie doesn’t have words for it. 

“on the person I love”. Very clear and simple sentence structure, yet Eddie wants to make Buck clarify every single detail. Break it down in letters and meanings while they stand close, no personal space in sight, because it has always been like this and Eddie misses it. 

He misses it so much he sometimes forgets to breathe, and he curses himself for when he took it for granted. 

He opens the messsages between him and Buck and just looks at them for a moment. He really doesn’t know what to write, and he can’t cross a boundary, not now, not ever. 

He wants to ask Buck if he’s happy, like compleately, to ask if he has a boyfriend, because the thought of him having a girlfriend is in the very back if his mind. He wants to know if he still bakes, if he still goes to Nashville to visit Bobbys grave, if he’s still in touch with the teen (or not so teen anymore) he always brings up in every conversation. He wants to see if his favourite food, movie, place, actor, hell, even book has changed. He wants to know everything about him, and he has so many questions that Eddie is forced to forge an answer too, someday. He’s not going to ask. He’s too much of a coward to do so. Way too much. 

What he decides to write, and even typing that out takes him half an hour, is this. 

(0:00) Hey dude, don’t know if you’re asleep yet, but I just read Chapter 9 and I just wanted to tell you what I think about it, since I do not know where to put whatever I’m feeling right now. 

Also, I can’t stress this enough, you are a wonderful writer and I might have to take you up on the offer of signing the book next time we see each other. 

I think every person's life is a series of ups and downs (a lot more downs for us but you get the point.)

I’m not going to say that it’s going to get better, because in our line of work, it doesn’t, but I kind of find this fact comforting. We knoew what to expect and we don’t usually take the time we have with other people for granted. 

I think everyone (especially you) should start to enjoy life at it’s fullest. Take risks and make mistakes, then learn from them. 

I don’t really have words to describe howI feel about this chapter. It is probably one of the best things I read, and it just makes me feel.

Eddie doesn’t finish this sentence on purpose. He doesn’t know what to fill the space with. 

You should be really proud of this.

Also, next time we fight I’ll give you a lover number for your next Book!

*lower

He finishes it on a sarcastic note, because talking about feelings is hard . No one can blame him. He just can’t put them to words. He like actions better. Buck has now proven to be very good with words. 

If Eddie is honest, he could write something, but it would probably take him forever, before he can for,ulate it right. 

For him, words don’t feel right. They don’t feel like enough. Maybe it’s because his parents like to talk without acting, so Eddie is trying to compensate. 

He thinks about what Buck told him about his family. That they were always ignoring him, never talking, always hiding stuff. It would make sense for Buck to write, to explain, instead of silence. 

It’s like a coping mechanism. Eddie still has to decide if it’s a healthy one. 

He’s thinking is interrupted by an incoming call. 

He doesn’t even have to look at the name on the phone. He ignores the fact that he changed his ringing specifically a long time ago. 

“Hey, sorry, phone was buzzing and I saw it was you, is everything alright?” Comes Buck’s groggy voice. 

“Did I wake you?” it’s the first thing Eddie musters, now blaming himself, because Buck told him that he could be woken up by just the phone buzzing, but he still sent the messages. 

“Nah, don’t worry. I’m just too tired to read, and I can’t sleep, so…”  Eddie knows Buck  is lying. He sounds tired, and his voice is deeper. 

“I just sent the review for Chapter 9.” Eddie tries to joke, but he knows it doesn’t work when the shuffling on the other side starts. It doesn’t last long, but long enough to be noticeable. 

“I’m awake… -er.” Buck says, sounding, in fact, more awake. 

No one speaks for too long. Eddie doesn’t know what to say. So he just listens to the breathing on the other end of the phone. It’s a bit irregular. 

“Oh” he hears on the other end, then, more silence. 

It stretches on and on and on. 

Eddie knows he should feel uncomfortable, and he does, just a bit. But that is the problem, right? Just a bit. As the silence grows longer, his heart calms down, returning to an almost normal pace, as well as Buck's breathing, which becomes slower after a while. Still irregular, but slower, calmer. 

That makes Eddie calmer too. 

There is suddenly some more shuffling, then Buck is speaking. Two simple words. Words Eddie is very tired of hearing.

“I’m sorry.” Something breaks on the other end of the phone. Maybe it’s the voice, the breathing or the tone, but something does. But they sound so sincere and raw, that Eddie takes a moment to absorb them.

“For what?” he asks, or well, actually he whispers it, but he’s barely aware of anything that regards himself. 

More silence on the other hand. 

“Let’s just say that I don’t know if you want to go for a coffee the day after tomorrow.” It comes out painful. Like Buck is vomiting the words out. And vomiting usually means very fast, but this just feels unconfortable, painful and sick. 

Sick of what? Eddie doesn’t know. 

Eddie knows Buck isn’t finished. “I wrote some stuff that you may not like.” “Impossible” comes the immediate reply. Because it is. Eddie could never actually hate something Buck made. 

He hears a huff of laughter on the other end of the phone. Eddie smiles. Small. 

There’s no more talking after that. A mutual understanding that one of them, maybe both, aren’t ready to furthen this conversation. 

Eddie crawls under the covers, staring right at the ceiling, while he listens to shuffling and breathing and yawning on the other side. 

In the end, he falls asleep. 

———————————

When Eddie wakes up again, his phone is dead, and there are some missed calls from Chris, but he’s not too worried. That day, he skips his “reading time” concentrating on thinking. 

Mostly about Buck. Only about Buck. 

But he feels a bit lighter. He certainly smiles more, for some reason. 

He then goes back to work, and is harassed by Ravi, who apparently cannot mind his business for the life of him, as he starts talking Eddie's ear off about the girl he’s been seeing, saying weird things like, “she was my best friend for so long” or, “we were inseparable for many years” or “we even raised her cat together practically”. The last statement feels very concearning. 

Actually, the whole conversation feels very weird, especially after Hen listens to one minute of it and starts wheezing . 

Eddie feels like he is missing the joke. 

Right after the shift, at 12am, Eddie can’t sleep, so he opens the last Chapter. 

The best mistake of his life. 

Because he’s going to have time to sleep about it, but also stay awake all night, his heart beating as fast as a racecar. 

Chapter Text

Chapter 10

Last

I want to start this chapter by saying that my Editorial house is pushing me to write this chapter, because they have to start editing everything if I want to publish it on the according date. But I think I’m ready. Ready to write everything I’ve been meaning to say. 

Please don’t judge me. :)

This chapter is dedicated to one person, and one person only. No name, because after everything, the shame is still there, under my ribs. 

This is the chapter in which I open myself bare. Where I say everything that I’ve always wanted to say. 

It’s for you, but more importantly,it’s for me. To put my feeling out there, and make my chest just a bit lighter. Maybe we’ll talk after this. Maybe not, it doesn’t matter. 

The truth is simple. What I feel for you also is, surprisingly. My parents told me that falling in love is a whirlwind of emotions, a bit like the five stages of gief. It’s a storm they said, a tsunami if you will.

And maybe it’s because their love was different, laced with grief, but for me falling was gradual.

No giant wave, no storm. Just quiet. 

I too, compare falling in love to the ocean. But mine is calm. In the sommer, warm weather, breeze through your hair, laying down and absorbing the warmth. The low sound of waves against the sand. 

So basically, the calm before the storm. It’s still unclear if the storm will ever come. It still hasn’t, and it’s been over 10 years. 

Ten years is a long time, especially for an unrequited love. But hey, I have no control over that. I don’t wish I did. Choosing who you love removes the fun of it. 

But before I talk too much. What I feel for you is love. Maybe devotion too, if you squint. Or maybe you don’t even need to squint, that’s what my sister says. But she’s my sister, so it doesn’t count. 

People weren’t lying when they said that love lies in the eyes. It does. You can’t help it. You can’t help but look. Most people look for a form of reciprocation, a form of love, hoping for romantic, imagining romantic, even if sometimes it’s just platonic. Sometimes, the eyes you admire so much don’t even look back. But it’s too late, because you have memoriezed the shape and colors, the number of eyelashes, if you can get close enough. I could. Get close, that is. I could get close, and I get to see these eyes look back at me. I saw the love in them, just not the one I so desperately craved for. 

Not many people talk about the transition to looking from their eyes, to their mouth. Another kind of devotion. Hanging by the lips of the person you love, and it’s not just attraction. 

It’s hanging by every word of the other person. It’s memorizing the shape of every word, feeling the shape in your heart, how every word they say matters more than anyone elses. It’s why it hurts so bad sometimes. 

But nonetheless, the love doesn’t dissapear. Or at least not so easely. It’s the reason why people stay in relationship even when they shouldn’t. They memorized the shape of their lips, eyes and mind. They crave for something they once had, and they hang by it, squeeze every memory until they can’t convince themselves anymore. 

But hanging from the right lips is not frightening. It’s liberating. It’s sharing different thoughts that bring the same outcomes, it’s sharing words of love and devotion, as well as criticism and truth. Looking at the familiar smile and frown brings an unknown comfort. Yes, the fact that you are atrracted to them is also something that you can’t ignore, and it certainly helps, but the sheer yearning you have at this stage of love is frightening. 

When I got to this stage, I ran. Because at some point, the eyes looking back with something so different, yet so similar isn’t enough anymore. You can’t stand it. Some people run, some people break, some just continue to hope, continue to wait for the change. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. 

I ran. 

Of course I did. 

I often run from my problems. But no matter how far I run, these features rest carved in my bones. The carving didn’t hurt. Not one bit. 

They say that love is blind. And it is. In every way imaginable. In every beautiful and painful and frightening and liberating yet jailing way. 

You overcome the best and the worst thing a person has ever done, and you still love them. Because love is blind. Sometimes no matter how much they hurt you, you still can’t leave. At some point, you just can’t handle it anymore. Love may be blind, but you aren’t. You still see the rational side, love doesn’t. 

I find this terrefying. 

It’s easier to speak about “someone” instead of admitting to everyone else you are the person who I’m talking about. I’ve seen all the bad and all the good, all the mistakes and how we patched them like drywall. All the beautiful in you and all the things you’re ashamed of. I love every single one of them. 

Even if you find this exausting. But I know you don’t. I may not know what you truly feel, but I know that. 

You are special in a way no one is, and no one ever will be, with how everything is going. You are one of the only people I don’t actually mind calling me Evan. Not because I idolize you, but because you see me. Actually see me. All the bad and all the good. I’ve shown it all to you, and you still didn’t leave. You never use it, and I’m thankful for that, because it is still a touchy subject, but it feels like a term of endearment. The first time you sait it. 

The second time, you were the one who the title is quoting. But the first time you said my name still won’t leave me head. My name never meant much to me, but that was until you said it. It sounds increadibly sappy, and it is. With you, I feel seen. And that is all that matters. 

So, to your question

“What are you going to do then?”

Easy. Lay myself bare in front of you. Tell you everthing that I’m feeling with little hope that you feel it back. 

You have the power to shatter my heart, and I know you won’t do it on purpose. 

God, I wasted so much time. 

So much time being stupid and scared of something that can’t phisically hurt me. Emotionally, is another story, but I can handle emotionally. With a few therapy sessions. (Or a lot, it depends on how you perceive this). 

I almost lost you so many times. Each of them more terrifying than the other. I clung to you desperately as you were dying in my arms, as you asked if I was alright before passing out, seeing me drenched in your own blood. 

I almost broke right then and there. The only reason I didn’t was your hand squeezing mine. That made the whole situation bearable. 

Leaving time and time again, not knowing if you would ever stay. 

I know you’re my last. I am as much ashamed of it as I am proud. Which is a lot. 

You probably didn’t even notice, but the date that I’m publishing this is very much on purpose. By now I think you realized why I chose this date specifically.

I really hope you won’t have a Girlfriend when this comes out, bacuse that would be very akward… And embarassing. 

Because even if we don’t talk to eachother anymore, as much as I wish we still did, I know you’re oing to read this. 

If all the clues I gave you weren’t enough, yes I’m talking about you. The person who I already dedicated a chapter to, but needed to write another, just to get it out of my sistem. The person who ispired this book, who gave me so many ideas, not even on purpose. My best friend. 

It’s a chlicé. A queer person falling for their best friend. It happens all the time. It’s a ritual of some sort. 

I can’t say it here, can’t write it down. I’m way too much if a coward to do so. But I know you know. Now, you know, and that is what makes my shoulders relax and my breathing even. 

It’s too personal to write it down for everyone to read. 

But we can talk. We can figure it all out. Together in any way you’ll have me. I just hope you’ll have me. Even if it’s as nothing. 

Take care. 

Evan Buckley :)

Chapter Text

Eddie barely registers the drive. He needs to go somewhere. To someone. It’s urgent. Because they all knew. Every single person knew. And oh, they weren’t subtle about it. Not one bit. But of course, Eddie didn’t pick up on it. 

Apparently he can’t even pick up on the reciprocated gazes. 

Fuck.

He doesn’t knock. 

He’s not stupid, it’s late. Late enough for children to sleep, but early enough for adults to stay awake. 

He calls. 

“Hey Eddie. How are you?” Karen’s voice comes from the other side of the phone. “I’m outside your door. We need to talk. You know about what.”

He can’t voice it. All of it. Any of it. 

The door opens a few moments later, with Eddie standing in front of it, book clutched in his hand, the other holding his phone on his ear. 

It takes less than a second. 

“ Oh.” Eddie just blinks. “This is bad. Okay, come inside. I’ll make you some tea.” 

Eddie blinks and he’s sitting down on the table, book on the table, hands on the table, Karen and Hen on the chairs in front of the table. Worried. 

Eddie is surprised he didn’t have a panick attack yet. 

“So…” Hen starts, looking at Eddie, then the book. “You finished I take it.” 

Eddie nods.

“So, what do you think?” Asks Karen, her voice careful. 

“What the fuck.” is all Eddie gets out, before his brain shuts off again. He registers Hen chuckle. 

“I think that officially broke him.” Karen nods along. 

“What am I supposed to do now?” Eddie lets his face fall into his hands. His nose jabs painfully in his palm. It’s grounding. 

“What do you want to do?” asks Karen. Eddie shrugs. “Everyone knows. Why does everyone know? Like, Athena called, Chimney told me a week ago, Ravi, he’s been dropping hints since it came out, and even Maddie warned me and you. You know. And then I’m pretty sure Chris and Tia Pepa know if the glances they have been exchanging are something to pay attention to. Oh my god.” 

Hen bites her lip to hold back a laugh. “Eddie, we have known. ” she explains. Eddie looks at her, brows furrowed. “We have known since you two started practically raising Chris together, and from all the time you two talk about each other, whether you're present or not. Ravi even confessed to Chim he thought you two were married. And I can’t even blame him.” she continues. “Every time one of you is in the hospital the other is just sulking the whole time and saying how different the firehouse is. God, Eddie, you have been sulking ever since you moved back here.” she says all this while smiling, and Eddie can barely keep up. 

“You had a calendar together where you planned where to take Christopher on the weekends and literally planned meals with your family . And god Eddie, when you were in the hospital, Buck was the one who took care of Chris.” 

“That is because it’s in my will.” Eddie whines, trying to explain. Maybe that wasn’t the best idea, because Karen gasps and claps her hand over her mouth. “You put him in your will? Over your family?” she asks, appalled. 

Eddie lowers his head. “Yes, after the well fell on me.” 

“That long ago!” Karen practically screams, “you had been friends for a little over a year !” Eddie hums, dismissively. 

Hen just stares, then sighs. 

“We’ll get to this later, because you have a lot of explaining to do, but the point is. You guys weren’t and still aren’t subtle. You know, the eyes. ” Eddie groans again. 

“Now you have to tell him what you feel too.” Karen takes a sip of tea, all tiredness now gone from her face. 

“I know.” it comes out whispering. “I’m not good with words.” 

“We know.” Karen and Hen speak in unison. “That’s why you have the chance to write it. Or, even better, show it.”

“I’m supposed to meet him in a bar tomorrow.”

“Oh absolutely no bar.” comes Karens voice. “I agree. Do your house. It’s more private. Better for giving speeches. And you can't run away.” Hen supplies. 

Eddie groans. “Why is my love life so complicated?” 

“I’m afraid that’s all your fault.” 

“Now, why don’t you go home and get some sleep. Just rest and tell Buck to meet at your house.” Karen yawns. 

“He’s gonna know.” “That’s kind if the point.” Hen shrugs, “give the poor man time to prepare too.” 

Eddie sighs, thanks them and drives home. 

He naps, doesn’t sleep, becuase sleeping means that you stay asleep for at least 2 hours. But he thinks. 

About all the things he missed. All the glances, all the conversations, god, all the flirting they did. He’s fucked. Like, really fucked. 

He writes down some questions to ask Buck, and so, ever so slowly comes 8am. 

At that point, he has enough. 

(8:02) Hey. I was thinking we could meet at my place today, instead of a bar. 

I want us to talk.

The answer doesn’t come immediately. Eddie doesn’t know if it's because Buck is simply sleeping, or because he knows and doesn’t know what to answer. He really hopes it’s the first. He sighs, and makes his way to the living room, where he finds Chris playing videogames. 

“Hey buddy. Did you even go to sleep?” 

“Morning! I woke up an hour ago.” Chris laughs at something. He has headphones on, Eddie notes. “I’m going out with some friends today in the afternoon. I’m sleeping there is that alright?” Eddie smiles and says yes. He finds it sweet that Chris sometimes still asks of he can hang out with his friends. He’s 19, he can decide for himself now. Though Eddie is never going to say that out loud. 

“Do you need a ride?” he asks, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “No, I already have one. She’s picking me up at 2.” 

“Oh she, huh?” Eddie asks from the other room. “Shut up! Work on your love life.” Eddie just laughs. It is, apparently, a mistake, because not even 5 minutes later Chris sits down in front of him, arms crossed, 

“Do you want to tell me something?” he asks. Eddie is taken aback for a moment, and takes a bit too long to answer. “Work on your love life.” he echoes. “I’m having someone over for a few hours today.” It comes out sounding, well… weird, and Chris looks almost disappointed. “Someone?” it’s not the teasing tone you would expect. 

Eddie sighs and stands up, turning away from him before answering. “It’s just Buck.”

“Finally!” screams Chris, and the conversation finishes like that, because Eddie almost runs back to his room. Worse than a teenage girl….

He finds a message waiting for him. 

(8:21) Yeah sure! 

Would at 3pm be alright?” 

(8:26) Yes, perfect.

Is there a reason for the change of plans?

Oh god. Oh no. What is he supposed to do now. 

I mean, not particularly, I just finished your book yesterday, and you know…

We should talk

I’m sorry

Eddie is kind of taken aback by this response. That is until he remember that he doesn!t know. Eddie is the one that has both perspectives. That must be absolutely terrifying. 

You have nothing to apologise for. 

We’ll talk better later!

Thank you. 

——————————————

3pm comes fast. It sneaks up on Eddie. But it’s fine. For some reason, he doesn’t feel too anxious. He does feel nervous and he doesn’t deny it, but he feels much calmer than he ever thought he would be. 

The first thing he does when the doorbell rings after opening the door is smile. 

“Stress baking?” he asks. Buck blinks a few times and gives him a questioning look. “You have flour in your hair.” he points. 

“What? Oh, shit.” Buck starts furiously combing through his hair and Eddie feels all the tension leave his shoulders. “Just come in, please.” he laughs. “Sorry, yes. Should we, um…” “Why don’t we sit down first. Do you want something to drink?” Eddie asks, already going to the kitchen. “Alcohol.” Eddie laughs. “How about we leave that for after?” Buck hums. “yeah, I say stupid shit when I’m drunk.” “Don’t we all.” 

In the end, they sit on the couch, 2 glasses of water on the table. 

“So…” Eddie starts, and he doesn’t know how to continue. Again. Words. Those little shits. 

“I shouldn’t have written it, you know.” “what?” “the, um, the last chapter. I just kinda wrote it for myself, and then publishing it was stupid. But, you know, they insisted, because my book wasn’t long enough, so in the end I gave them this, which probably wasn’t the best idea…” 

“You were brave for doing that.” Eddie supplies. He’s not getting anywhere. “More like reckless.” Eddie shrugs. “It depends on how you see it, really.” 

There is a moment of silence before Buck speaks again.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. I’m thankful you even want me here at this point.” 

“What? No, Jesus, Buck, please, you're my best friend, of course I want you here. And you didn’t make me uncomfortable. I promise. I’m fine.” Best friend. Best. friend. Is he stupid?  

“You’re picking on your hands. You’re uncomfortable.” Eddie is indeed picking. He stops. 

“There is a thin line between uncomfortable and nervous, Buck.” Eddie hasn’t been looking at Buck this entire conversation. He’s already struggling. He can tell Buck is looking at him. He swallows. 

“I didn’t know you saw me like that.” Is what Eddie ends up saying. “Romantic?” 

“No- I mean, yes, that too but, in general. The way you described me. The- yeah. It was beautiful. You’re a very good writer.” now, Eddie is looking at him. 

“Thank you…”

More silence. “The Eddie puts his head in his hands and groans. “I can’t do this. “ he whispers, apparently not quiet enough, because he sees Bucks face fall from his pheripheral vision. 

“Look, I can go, it’s-” 

“No, don’t. It’s not what I meant. Really, I’m… very bad at,-” Eddie makes gestures with his hands, “expressing… things.” 

Buck cracks a smile. But it doesn’t quite reach his eyes “I know.” 

“You know. In the past week I’ve had everyone tease me about the ending. I couldn’t even pick up on it. Your sister wrote, Ravi kept… well, being Ravi, just more confusing. Chimney and Hen they were just, honestly,” he turns to look at him again “they were making bets again. And Athena called.” 

“Athena?” 

“Yeah, like, you know, a worried mother.” At this, Buck smiles. It’s genuine, thank god. Then, he furrows his eyebrows. “Wait, what do you mean bets?” 

“How long it took us, I guess.” 

More silence. “To what?”

“How long it would take us to get our shit together. Or just… together.” 

“Oh.” Buck grabs his glass and sips on it. 

“From what I suspect, Karen won.” Eddie finishes. 

“She’s the only one who said we wouldn’t?” Buck asks, kind of perplexed, putting the glass back down.

“She said a day after I finished the book.” Eddie forces himself to look as Buck goes through every possible emotion. 

“Sorry?” 

“Us not… not getting together wasn’t even an option.” 

“No, go back, what?” 

Eddie leans back on the couch. It’s not how he thought it would come out, but…

“I’ve had a crush on you for… years. God, I sound like a teenager.” He’s still looking at Buck, who is looking back like Eddie grew a second head. “What?” 

“You clearly aren’t very good at noticing when somebody is looking back.” he smiles. Buck just looks… “You’re serious?” “I would never joke about something like this, Buck. I did put you in my will, for gods sake.” 

“ Oh”  

Buck too, leans back, but they’re closer now. Shoulders touching. Knees touching. 

“So what now?” he asks. 

Eddie shrugs, feeling the contact. 

“Would you want to go on a date?” “Yes.” “Dinner here?” “Now?” “Yes.” “Yes.”

Then, Buck laughs. It’s a mixture of nervous and excited and scared. Eddie joins him a few seconds later. 

“What are we even doing?” Buck presses closer. 

“I don’t know man, I’m no expert in this.” Eddie then adds “I wanted to cook you something, but I can’t cook. I think you officially broke me.” 

“I’ll cook.” Buck offers, immediately. “But it’s not even 4. So, we have some time to talk, if you’d like?” 

“Very. Just, not so sure how much I’ll be able to convey in words.” 

Buck just smiles. 

“I have written down some questions I wanted to ask you.” Eddie takes out a piece of paper from his jeans pocket. 

“I’m all ears.” 

Eddie opens, the closes his mouth. “You know what? I think we could use some beer now.” Buck laughs. 

“Is it really that bad?” he calls from the couch, Eddie already in front of the fridge. “It’s embarrassing, okay?” 

Buck laughs again. “I did not think the day would be like this, I’ll tell you that.” Eddie passes him a beer and sits down again. Still close. “Is it really that surprising?” he asks, a little bit serious. Buck shrugs. “I mean, until a week ago we weren’t talking and I wasn’t even aware that you liked men. So yeah, it is that surprising.” 

“If you would have told me everything I know today a week ago, I would have laughed in your face.” “I find this statement completely fair. Me too.”

“You know maybe drinking with an empty stomach isn’t the best idea.” Eddie puts the beer back down. 

Buck hums. “So, questions.” 

“Right! Um…” Eddie looks at the piece of paper. He has it memorized, but still. “Okay, this is… Well, how long have you known. About…. Well, um….”

“I’ll save you from this.” Buck laughs. “I realized when we were looking for a house for you in El Paso. I was on the couch, and you were putting away the basket I baked and I was like. -Well, this feels worse that with Abby.- And then, -wait? what? shit- I was compleatly frozen for a few seconds. But I knew there was something different after the well collapsed. It was… well, awful and Bobby had to literally pry me away from digging to get you. It was confirmed after you got shot.”

“I don’t actually remember much of when I got shot.” Eddie confesses. “Just trying to stay awake and somebody talking. What did happen?” 

Buck sighs, then starts talking, looking away.

“When you got shot you just fell over to one side of the firetruck, while a guy tackled me to the other. You were bleeding out and we couldn’t get to you without making sure the area was safe. We didn’t know the shooter was targeting firefighters at the time. So, I may have crawled under the firetruck to get you to the other side where we got you into a-”

“You crawled under a firetruck?” “Um. Yes?” “I mean, this was after you got pinned by a firetruck.” “Obviously. I couldn’t just leave you there. Also, it was almost a year after so it wasn’t as terrifying." 

Eddie cannot imagine Buck doing that for him. Crawling under the thing that almost killed you a year prior just to get to someone? To him?

“Anyway, we got you into the ambulance and I got in with you of course and… well, you were very out of it and you know I was squeezing your hand and well, at some point you asked me if I was hurt, because I was covered in your blood, which was very sweet, but also very concerning because you were bleeding out. You almost died, and they said at the hospital that a few minutes and you would have been gone.”

Eddie blinks, gathering the information. “Wait, you said something similar in your book. I thought it was a metaphor or something!” Buck chuckles. “I wish.” 

“Wow. God, that must have been awful.” 

“Yeah…” Buck smiles nervously, then asks, “When did you know?” 

Eddie has to laugh at that. Because he knows perfectly when he realized, but he was in denial for so long. 

“Well, I realized when you got struck by lightning. It was terrifying to see, I can’t imagine what you must have felt. I mean. I knew because it wasn’t normal that I counted the exact seconds your heart stopped and Bobby had to distract me so I wouldn’t go ballistic. But, well, I was in denial for way too long. I knew there was something different with you when I decided to put you in my will. 

I had thought about my will many times, because of the army, and I always told myself that Chris would be fine with my parents, even before Sharon died. Until I remembered how messed up I grew up. I didn’t want Chris to suffer. And after the whole thing with the tsunami, you know… You protected him in ways only I would have, which is why I immediately thought of you. Took me way too long to tell you though…” Eddie swallows. “I don’t know when it happend exactly, but when I let myself accept it it… well, it was a lot of memories that I had to go through.” 

Buck is smiling at him.

“Well, I think we did pretty great.” 

“We sure did.” 

“Wait, that does bring me to my second question.” Eddie straightens up. “You never to,d me you had a coma dream?” 

“Oh that…” Buck says dismissively. Eddie grabs his forearm and shakes it. “Oh that? Oh, that? That is very important information that you didn’t tell me!” 

Buck laughs. “Alright I’ll tell you about it. But, well, it’s a bit egotistical, I have to warn you.”

And Buck does tell him. Every single detail. Eddie is a bit worried about how good he remembers it. He wonders how many things they have kept from each other. But now they have time. And Eddie is going to demand every single tiny, unimportant secret Buck is willing to tell him. They have time.

When Buck finishes, Eddie has his mouth open. 

“That was a bit egotistical.” He mumbles. Buck laughs, and it's beautiful. “But, also. Bobby was your literal grim reaper almost.” 

“I mean, I never thought about it like that. I think he was the connection between life and death.” Buck answers him. Eddie doesn’t really want to notice that he’s still holding Bucks arm. 

“Well, I think you needed to hear it. That you played an important part in all of our lifes. And I beg you to never tell this story to Hen, because she will make fun of you for the rest of your life.” 

Buck laughs. “Noted.” 

They talk about other things, then. Meaningless. Favourite movies, songs, artists, and colors. A rew things have changed, but not made a drastic 180. 

Between them, nothing has changed. Eddie loves that. He was afraid he was going to have to “perform”, but it turns out, women really were the problem. Embarrassing. 

At some point, they get hungry, so Buck starts rummaging through his kitchen. 

“Alright, your ingredients are all over the place, but I can think I can make some pasta with pesto if your willing to help.” “Of course I’m willing ti help, I literally asked you out.” 

“Yeah, but then you told me that you can’t cook!”

“Oh, you already knew I can’t cook!” Eddie throws Buck an apron. It happens to be the apron. When Buck notices he gasps. “Oh my god, I told Maddie about this apron, I have to send her a picture. Take a picture!” he instructs Eddie, who just laughs as he takes the picture with Bucks phone.

He walks next to Buck and shows it to him. “Satisfied?” Buck nods and sends the message. Eddie is going to do something very stupid. Or brave, depends on how you see it. 

“You know, there is a reason I bought this apron, a few years back.” Buck turns to him. “Oh yeah?” “Yep… It does say "kiss the cook” for a reason.” 

The face Buck makes, makes Eddie want to laugh. He only smiles. The silence streches on, comfortable. 

“Oh.” 

More silence. 

“Am I allowed to kiss the cook?” 

“Absolutely.” 

Eddie takes Buck's face in his hands and kisses him. Buck smiles into it. 

It’s short, just a peck, but it’s still one of the best kisses he ever gave. “Yep, women were definitely the problem.” he mumbles, still close, still holding. 

Buck laughs.

He’s laughing a lot today. Eddie loves it. 

“Alright lover boy, dinner!” 

“Never call me lover boy again, Buck.” another laugh. 

————————————

After dinner they sit on the couch, beer in hand, watching a movie. Still close. 

“Thank god Chris isn’t here today.” Eddie sighs, getting comfortable on the couch. “ Where is he, by the way?” Buck asks. 

“With a girl. He says it’s nothing, but he’s a liar. This morning, when I asked, he said to me, and I quote “Work on your love life, dad!” That little shit.” 

“In his defense you did work on it.” Buck shrugs. 

“Yeah, which is why he needs to work on it too and tell me! He’s been hanging out with girl for months. You’ll see the way he lights up when he talks about her. And he rarely does. It’s just when she’s picking him up, or they’re going out studying together. They are almost attached to the hip by how often they hang out. And I haven’t even met her!” 

Buck is smirking when Eddie looks. “What are you smirking at?”

“Well, let’s just say, I’m Chris’s favourite apparently. He did tell me about this girl. I even know her name.” 

Eddie gasps. “You do not!” “I do…” 

“Oh my god! This is ridiculous!” 

“Give him time Eddie, give him time.” Buck laughs. 

Buck leaves a few hours later, and they kiss again, which is… wow. 

Anyway, they’ve organized another date in 2 days, for lunch, and to talk better on how to tell their friends. And Chris. Buck is really nervous about telling Chris. Eddie has reassured him for almost half an hour, but it didn’t really work. 

They don’t feel like it’s too soon. It’s strange, but it’s exciting for Eddie to not feel like he’s moving too fast, and maybe they are, but he couldn’t care less. Also, the fact that they started dating would be very very difficult to hide, knowing their friends. 

————————————

“So, how was your date?” Chris laughs as he walks in, seeing his dad in the kitchen making eggs, successfully, he may add. 

“Good, how was yours?” Eddie says, rolling his eyes at him. “It wasn’t a date, dad!” Christopher shrieks sitting down on the table and crossing his arms, letting his crutches fall against the table. Eddie laughs. 

“Do you want some eggs?” 

“Wait, did you just say good?” Chris leans forward, as Eddie turns around confused. “Sorry?” 

Chris is already smirking when he starts talking. “I asked you how your date went and you said good!” “No I did not.” comes Eddie’s immediate response, which is a problem, because the answer was too fast, too clipped, and too panicked. 

Chris laughs, “Yes you did! I knew it! I knew it! Finally! This is the best day of my life!”

Eddie could faint from relief. "Aren't you exaggerating, kiddo?” 

“You’re kidding me, right? Do you know how many years I’ve watched you two dance around each other! You literally planned dates with other people, then came home to debrief with one another and used the excuse of babysitting me!”

“Alright buddy, I think that’s enough embarrassing for today.” Eddie kisses Chris on the forehead and gives him a quick side hug. “Never. I’m going to text Buck now!”

Eddie laughs, then grimaces. He burnt the eggs. 

————————————

“Chimney did what now?” Eddie asks, incredulously on a Wednesday. He managed to get Karen and Hen off his back, Buck told him Maddie practically tore it out from him, and now she knows they’re dating, but she promised not to tell Chimney. 

Oh, and that was after Eddie received the shovel talk. While he was at work. He had to get away from lunch with the others because Maddie started screaming the second he picked up the phone. It was the excited kind of screaming.Thank god. 

Now, everyone knows he finished the book. Hen told Chimney, who told Ravi, who somehow told Athena. So they all know. But so far, nobody has mentioned it. From what Eddie knows they are trying not to be too pushy. 

He has to hold back laughter every time Ravi drops a hint, clearly trying to find out if they talked. Eddie fakes not knowing what he’s talking about. 

This is the most entertaining week in a long time.

So, he’s definitely surprised when he finds Buck at the fire station, looking around, talking to Hen. 

“Somehow, this place hasn’t changed a bit.” he says, looking around. He meets Eddie's eyes, and the latter points an accusatory finger. “What are you doing here?” because they talked yesterday, hell they talked every day and Buck never mentioned coming to the firehouse. 

Buck smirks. “Hello to you too. I’m here to talk to Chimney, actually.” Hen is looking at Eddie, then at Buck. Even Ravi now looks interested, while he continues washing the mud off the firetruck. 

Right on cue, Chimney gets out of the office. He looks a bit startled seeing everyone there, but his eyes jump from Eddie to Buck. 

“I’m very happy you agreed!” he says as he pats Buck on the shoulder. 

“Are we missing something?” Ravi asks, now standing next to them. 

Chimney smirks. “Well, Buck has decided to join the 118 again.” Eddie's eyes jump to Buck, who’s smiling so wide. Hen gasps, and Ravi cheers. “Oh my god, yes! We’ve missed you so much!” Hen hugs him followed by Ravi. “I’ve known for a few days I’m just here to finalize the paperwork.” Buck explains. 

“A few days!” Eddie exclaims. “You asshole, why didn’t you tell me anything?” he goes for a hug too, which lingers just a bit too long. “I mean, I officially found out yesterday evening, nothing was sure until then. 

“This is amazing! I can’t wait to have some help, these guys are lazy!” cheers Ravi. 

Hen starts to argue with Ravi and drags Chimney in there, so Buck and Eddie are left standing next to each other. “You know, there’s going to be a lot of paperwork now. Us working together.” Eddie whispers. Buck takes a few seconds, “Oh, shit. I forgot. Well, we kinda have to tell them now.” he whispers back.” Eddie massages his temples. “I’m not looking forward to the paperwork.” Buck laughs. 

“I’m sorry, have you two talked?” Eddie looks to Chimney, who just spoke. They aren’t "arguing" anymore. 

“Sorry?” asks Buck. 

“I mean have you talked about-” Chimney shrieks as Hen stomps on his foot. Eddie snorts. He becomes aware of how close Buck and him are standing. Ravi narrows his eyes. 

“Well, let’s just say we have a lot of paperwork to fill out.” Buck shrugs, and Eddie rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling.

“Eh, it's not too bad.” Chimney shrugs. 

There is a few moments of silence, where Eddie wonders if they should tell them explicitly. 

Ravi suddenly claps his hand over his mouth. “No!” his scream is muffled by the hand. 

Buck bursts out laughing. “Wow, did not expect Ravi to get it first.” Eddie remarks. 

“What?” Chimney and Hen say at the same time, which makes Buck laugh some more. 

“How long have you been dating!” Ravi exclaims.

“A few weeks.” 

“WHAT?” Chimney and Hen speak at the same time. Buck is almost on the floor, rolling. Almost. Eddie pats his back. 

There is a lot of hugging after that. A lot of congratulations, and after, a lot of paperwork. But it’s perfect. 

Oh, and Karen now has 250$ more than she did the day before. 

———————————

They didn’t plan on telling Athena that way. 

Poor Athena, who finds them a week later on a date. Very romantic place. Eddie recieved flowers, which he did not expect. They are both dressed nicely, but then the guy on the table next to them tries to literally rob the place, pulling out a gun and everything. What idiot even robs a restaurant? Another guy, on the far left of the restaurant, has a heart attack. 

Buck and Eddie handle it just fine. They manage to get the guy's heart back up, as well as tackle the guy with the gun to the floor. Buck got a few punches thrown at him, but he’s fine. So, they got stuck waiting for the police, Eddie handling Buck's bleeding head and the black eye that’s certainly going to appear tomorrow. 

“Well, it’s nice seeing you here boys.” Athena is standing, hands on hips, behind Eddie. “Athena!” Buck stands up, accidentally hitting Eddie's nose with his arm. He groans. “Shit, sorry.”

“Any particular reason you two find yourselves in this restaurant,, with flowers, may I add.” “Um… We were planning on telling you?” Buck laughs nervously. Eddie finds this very amusing. “Well, next time plan better. Buck, you better get the head checked out. Also, hurt each other, and I’ll arrest you both.” Then, she walks to the guy who’s hands are tied to the table with a napkin and puts him in handcuffs. 

“Did we both just get the shovel talk at the same time?” Eddie wonders. “It appears so.” Buck smiles. 

“Alright, let’s get this head checked up at the hospital.” 

Later, at the hospital, while Buck gets his head checked by a lady who is clearly flirting with him, Buck is oblivious, Eddie gets a long message from Athena, telling him how proud she is and that she’s very happy for them as well as offended that she was the last one to know. She invites them to dinner. Eddie suspects Buck has received something similar. 

The nurse is still flirting with Buck, which Eddie finds hilarious. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t mind. He suspects that maybe it’s because Buck doesn’t know, but this isn’t the first time it happens and Eddie experienced what he today knows is jealousy. But then Buck turns to include him in the conversation and Eddie cares even less about the nurse. 

“You should really stop throwing yourself in front of people with a gun, Buck.” Eddie tells him after they find out that Buck is just going to have a black eye. Buck laughs. Eddie doesn’t remember a time where Buck has laughed so much. He is extremely proud of that. 

“I mean, at least he didn’t shoot?” Buck shrugs, Eddie sighs. “Buck, I love you, but for the love of god please stop throwing yourself into these kinds of situations.” 

“And I love you.” 

He wouldn’t realize until later that they both said “I love you” for the first time. After all, Eddie has been thinking that for a long time. He’s sure Buck has too. 

THE END

A few weeks later they fly to Nashville, and tell Bobby the good news.