Archive of Our Own ^beta

A group of four older Trill sat around a table in a tense silence. Two data padds sat in the middle of the table. One contained a list of candidates for becoming a host. The other was the symbiont they were trying to find a host for. They’d been sitting here for about an hour now, talking and arguing and keeping silent to maintain calm. By this time, they’d repeated their points at least three times.

“Well,” one said, a woman with her hair pulled back into a braid that reached to her waist. “I believe that everything that can be said about this has been said. It comes to the decision.”

“I still say no!” a man snapped. He crossed his arms over his chest, his short, spiky hair almost quivering with his indignation.

“Yes, yes, so you keep repeating. At length,” a third person said, shaking their head. Beads on the ends of their several braids clicked together.

“Lucky for us, we don’t need all four of us agreeing,” the last man said, slanting an amused smile at the third person. His eyes twinkled as he ran a hand over his shaved head, brushing away a few drops of sweat. “It only takes three.”

Silence that felt sharp and spiky fell among the table again. The second man glared at each of the others in turn. He huffed when the others met his eyes with mostly patient expressions. Though there was a little frustration in all of them. He turned his glare to the data padds, tapping the one with the list of names.

“We blocked his memories at the request of his parents fourteen years ago,” the man said, repeating his main argument a fourth time. “It was too painful for them, knowing the older brother died no matter what they did. Too painful knowing their youngest wasn’t able to save him even though he was a match for the treatments.”

“Which I never agreed with,” the fourth man said softly. Sorrow touched his voice as he stared at the first name on that list. “It always felt like they were avoiding the pain rather than accepting it.”

“But we did agree,” the woman pointed out, lifting a finger. “Again, it only took three of us.”

“And we keep talking in circles,” the third person sighed, leaning back in their chair. “I think it’s time to make the decision. I vote yes.”

“I vote yes,” the fourth man said immediately, nodding in emphasis.

The woman’s lips thinned as she joined the others in staring at the list. The first name seemed burned into her thoughts but she still read through the entire list again. There were reasons for and against each of the names on that list. Especially the first name. Then her eyes shifted to the second data padd. Forl, the symbiont they were trying to find a host for. Things had been... complicated since the previous accepted host had died.

“We are at risk of losing Forl and all the memories it holds,” the woman finally said slowly and, clearly, reluctantly. “The last two candidates were rejected by the symbiont. One was even a blood relative, though distant. I believe this may be our last chance to save Forl. I vote yes.”

Three sets of eyes swung toward the final person left to speak. The man grimaced and looked down at the table. Silence spread, seconds ticking in the beats of their hearts. For a moment, the man opened his mouth, on the verge of speaking. Then he closed it again and grunted. He tapped the list again in staccato beats.

“No,” the man bit out, breaking the silence like glass. “I will not vote yes for this. Not at all. You overrule me with three votes but I will not make it unanimous.”

“Well, that settles that then,” the fourth man said, rubbing his hand over his head again. “All that’s left is to hope Forl accepts this host.”

“This is a mistake,” the second man growled, standing and hovering over the other three at the table. “Don’t come crying to me when this blows up in your faces.”

He stalked off without another word, every line of his body speaking to his anger. The other three watched him go, bemused expressions on their faces. It had never come to blows before when choosing potential candidates for the symbionts. But it had come very close this time.

“I will send the appropriate messages,” the third person said, standing up as well. They nodded at the other two. “As soon as the candidate arrives, I will alert you.”

They headed off as well, muttering under their breath. A few words loud enough to hear told the remaining two that they were working out exactly how they were going to word the message. This was important for everyone involved. There was no room for error or awkwardness in any of it.

“So, this should be an interesting time,” the woman remarked, sagging in her chair as exhaustion took over.

“Yes, it should,” the final man agreed. Then he smiled. “But I’ve always believed there was something special in him that his parents refused to see.”

“I suppose we’ll find out,” the woman said. “As we’ll find out if Evan Buckley bonding with his dead brother’s symbiont is a good idea.”

~*~*~*~

Evan was ten and he was very sad. Not that he knew why he was sad, exactly, just that he was. Maybe because the emotion seemed to pervade the house. It weighed his parents down, weighed Maddie down, until they all moved as if wounded to the heart. He moved that way himself, feeling a... a lack of something he couldn’t explain. Every once in a while, when he turned his head, he almost expected someone else to be standing there. Someone else in the house with them, making it a home. But of course, it had only ever been the four of them. Philip, Margaret, Maddie, him.

He shook away the feeling yet again as he came into the kitchen and sat at the dinner table. This was their last night here. Almost everything else had been packed up and sent ahead to their new home. All that remained were sleeping bags and the items they were using to make dinner tonight. Fidgeting with one nail, Evan turned his head towards the kitchen doorway, again feeling like there should be someone else walking in. He could almost see the person, almost knew who he was missing.

Then Maddie walked in followed by their mother, who was pale and seemed fragile. Their father walked behind her, one hand on her shoulder as if holding her up by that single touch.
Maddie sat down at the table, slanting a sad smile at him before staring down at the wood grain. Margaret grabbed plates, moving like a sleepwalker, as Philip gathered serving dishes filled with their last meal.

Evan shifted in anticipation, his stomach rumbling hungrily. He hadn’t felt much like eating earlier today. A sort of malaise had gripped him, a fuzzy, floating feeling that made him worry his whole body might wisp away. It had started after an important Trill elder had visited. Though he couldn’t quite remember why they had visited. Or why they’d looked at him with sad eyes. A gasp caught his attention, had his eyes whipping up to take in his mother’s face.

Margaret stood with five plates in her hand. Her face had gone stiff, a rictus of grief painted on her features. Tears glimmered in her eyes, tears that she seemed to refuse to allow to fall. She was frozen as she stared down at the five plates, fingers gripping them so tightly her knuckles stood out white against her skin.

Glancing quickly at Maddie, wondering if she was as confused as he was, Evan grew only more confused when he saw tears tracking down Maddie’s face. She didn’t look at him, barely even seemed to acknowledge there was anyone else in the room. His eyes shifted between his sister and his mother, something pressing and stirring deep in the depths of his mind. Something was wrong and he had no idea what.

After a few frozen heartbeats, Philip moved silently. He put the serving dishes down and gently took the plates from Margaret’s hands. He placed them on the table, fingers lingering for a moment over the top one. Then he put his hand on Margaret’s shoulder. Just that, a single touch and no words. She looked up at him, a couple tears falling from her eyes. A second passed, two, three. Then she took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and passed out the plates. The fifth one, she left where it sat.

It was the first meal eaten in complete silence. It would not be the last.

~*~*~*~

Evan was twelve and he was angry. He was also hurt but that was beside the point. Falling off his bike had been an unfortunate side effect of what he was really doing: trying to get his parents’ attention. In the past couple years, ever since they’d moved really, Evan had felt like a ghost in his own home. Philip and Margaret ignored him, looking past him any time they had to interact with him. They treated him like an interloper they couldn’t get rid of. And it pissed him off.

Stinging on his knee made Evan hiss in a breath. Maddie made soothing noises as she wiped the blood away and studied the wound. She was sixteen now and was leaning towards learning about medicine. She wiped another small trickle of blood away and made a clicking noise with her tongue.

“I don’t think you’ll need stitches,” Maddie pronounced, turning to tear open the bandage packaging. “You’re lucky. That jump is difficult for the older boys. It’s insane for someone your age to try.”

“I had to try,” Evan answered sullenly, crossing his arms as Maddie applied the bandage to his knee. It still stung but not as much as the prickling of anger in his belly. “I had to try something.”

“Why?” Maddie asked simply, cleaning up. “What were you trying to prove? To whom?”

“Mom and Dad,” Evan muttered, looking away. He started playing with the edge of the bandage. “To... to get them to look at me. To see me. Not look through me.”

“Oh, Evan,” Maddie sighed.

But he shook his head, not in the mood for her sympathy. She didn’t get it. Their parents saw her. They acted like she was real, was a person. They never looked through her. It was all he wanted. To know he was loved by his parents. She was loved. She loved him, too, but he desperately wanted his parents’ love.

“I still don’t understand what changed,” Evan muttered, desperation clawing at his belly alongside the anger. He grabbed Maddie’s hand, waiting until she looked into his eyes. “Ever since we moved, it’s like they can’t stand me. I don’t know what I did, Maddie. Can you tell me? Please? Why do they only pay attention to me if I’m hurt? Why am I not enough anymore?”

Two years of frustration and anger and hurt burst out into his words. He was shouting by the last question but couldn’t bring himself to stop. He’d tried. For two years he’d tried. Tried to be the perfect son, to be deserving of love, to have their attention. To not feel like he was stuck there, that they wanted him gone but had no choice but to keep him. The only one who seemed to love him anymore was Maddie. Honestly, Evan was pretty sure Maddie was the only thing keeping him sane anymore.

“You are enough, Evan,” Maddie whispered, her voice cracking as tears glimmered in her eyes. She pulled him into a hug and he could feel her tears dripping onto his head. “It’s nothing you did, I promise. Mom and Dad love you. It’s just...”

Maddie trailed off and Evan felt her shudder against him. It was always like this. She would start to say something and cut herself off. No matter how he’d pressed in the past, Maddie refused to say anything else. It felt like she was in on a secret he had no clue about. Part of him wondered if whatever it was Maddie didn’t say was the root of the change in his parents’ behavior. But it made no sense. He couldn't remember anything that would have caused the change. He didn’t think he’d done anything either. One day, they were a family. The next, they’d moved to a completely new place and were... this.

Before he could try to ask more, Margaret came out of the house with a bright smile. There was something false about it, something that put Evan’s back up. But she looked at him. She saw him. And she continued to smile.

“Now that you’re all patched up, why don’t we go out for ice cream?” Margaret asked, her voice full of that same fake, syrupy brightness.

“Ice cream?” Evan asked, cautious hope flickering in his chest. She was still looking at him, though her eyes flicked down to the now-bandaged wound on his knee before flinching away. He let the tone of her voice go. What was important was she was looking at him.

“Of course,” Margaret continued. She made a beckoning motion with one hand, including Maddie in the gesture. “Ice cream. Come on, let’s go.”

Evan bounded to his feet, moving to Margaret’s side. He didn’t try to take her hand, as he might have done even a year ago. Instead, he waited. And he smiled back. Maddie moved slower, gathering up the debris and disappearing inside the house before coming back out. She stared at their mother, something far too adult in her teenage eyes. But she said nothing. Just followed, patting Evan’s shoulder once.

He dared to hope that maybe, this time, his mother would keep seeing him. Wouldn’t look away, wouldn’t stop smiling. That maybe being hurt had shaken her back to realizing she had a son as well as a daughter.

~*~*~*~

Evan was fourteen and he was lost. Also angry but that had become a steady fixture in his life over the past few years. He never stopped being angry. But now, Maddie was leaving. And there was nothing he could do about it. She’d been disappearing more and more often over the past few months. He knew she had a boyfriend. He even knew the guy was a little older. But he didn’t think that Maddie would really leave.

“Doug is going to be a surgeon,” Maddie explained, her eyes lighting up. But there was something dark in them that Evan didn’t quite understand. “I’ll be going to nursing school. It isn’t that far away, really.”

“You’re still leaving,” Evan muttered, closing his mouth tightly to keep his lips from trembling. “You’re leaving me alone with them.”

Maddie didn’t say anything. She just leaned over and hugged him. She trembled too and Evan wondered why. She was leaving, she was escaping their parents, she was leaving him behind. But the question didn’t linger long in his mind. It was subsumed in the anger and the betrayal and being lost.

“I love you, Evan, and I’m just a call away,” Maddie said as she straightened. She held up one hand, pinky extended. “Pinky promise?”

“I love you too,” Evan replied, twining his pinky finger with hers and squeezing. “Pinky promise.”

Of course, life sometimes gets in the way of promises made with the best of intentions.

~*~*~*~

Evan was eighteen and he was free. He was still angry. That emotion almost seemed to not register anymore it was so pervasive. He almost couldn’t remember a time he hadn’t been angry. Over the past couple years since Maddie had left, he’d grown cocky with it. He took risks, made bold decisions, lived outgoing and boisterous. If his parents weren’t going to see him when he tried to be the good son, he would do whatever was needed to get their attention. And it was fun. In a way. Lately, a small part of him had wondered if this was what he wanted his life to be.

But now, he was getting out. While schoolwork and studying weren’t his strong points, he’d applied to a college and been accepted. What he was going to study, he hadn’t decided. For the moment, his plan was to take a range of classes and see if anything spoke to him. Something had to, right? Something had to feel right. Something to devote his life to. Before applying to the college, he’d put his name in to be considered for becoming a host. He’d heard nothing back, though. So college it was.

Margaret and Philip came with him the first day, ostensibly to help him move in. In reality, they acted like they were helping but stood aloof. They carried a few boxes in, leaving Evan to carry the bulk of his possessions. They stood in his dorm room uncomfortably, Margaret dry-washing her hands.

“Good luck, son,” Philip said after all of Evan’s things were moved in.

“Thanks,” Evan replied awkwardly.

They stood in silence for a few moments, no one moving. Philip seemed to waver for a minute, his hand clenching like he was debating whether to offer it for a handshake. Margaret sniffed, still dry-washing her hands. Then she gave Evan a thin smile. As if that were a signal, both of them nodded at Evan and left.

He was alone but, for once, not lonely. Well, not completely. And life was an adventure he was determined to experience.

~*~*~*~

Evan was twenty and he was excited. A newspaper listing had led him to a ranch far away from any of the city centers. The owner had brought in horses from Earth and was attempting to raise them here. So far, the horses had taken splendidly to their new home. It sounded like a fascinating job, being a rancher. And Evan had learned that he loved the outdoors and a job that kept him active.

College hadn’t quite worked out. He’d tried but he’d felt like he was strangling. He’d lasted a semester and a half. Then, in once of his classes, the professor had started an icebreaking game. The question had been why had each student chosen to go to college. And Evan had stopped breathing as he realized that the only reason he went was for his parents. To try to make them proud of him.

He’d lasted another week after that before dropping out and just. Leaving.

His wanderings had taken him across the surface of the planet. He’d met so many people and had so many experiences. He’d laughed and flirted and loved and lived. Though he’d never found someone who stayed. His liaisons had been short, a night here, a weekend there, maybe a few months when he’d worked on remodeling a house from the foundations up.

This job was another in a long line as he searched for the purpose that would fulfill him. He didn’t regret any of his previous jobs. They all taught him something new, gave him something to strive for. But nothing fit. So he traveled and he searched. Deep down, he was convinced that there was something out there that would ease the ache and fill the hole in his chest.

Once he found out that Maddie had finished nursing school and was working at a hospital, he sent postcards to her. It was the only contact he had with her ever since he’d dropped out of college. He’d tried to convince her to come with him. The evidence that Doug was hurting her was getting more and more difficult to hide. After seeing the bruises he left, Evan wanted Maddie to run away with him. Escape Doug, escape a relationship that was beating Maddie down. But, when the moment came, Maddie had backed out. Instead, she’d given him her Jeep and told him to go alone.

He wondered if raising or caring for animals would be the thing that he was searching for. He liked animals, had always liked animals though Margaret and Philip had never allowed pets. At the very least, it should be interesting. Learning something new was always fascinating.

Though lately, he’d been paying more attention to the plants and trees around the ranch.

Part of that was wrapped up in the care of the horses. No one wanted the horses to sicken or die from eating plants that were alien to them. Everything on the ranch had been tested carefully before the horses were moved in. Yet, there was always a chance something had been missed. So each of the ranchhands were being given basic lessons in botany. He fell into them with the same determination he had brought to his other jobs.

~*~*~*~

Evan was twenty two and he was... content. Two years seemed like such a short time but he had found something that felt right. That felt like this was where he’d belonged. Most of the time, he could forget the anger that still simmered deep down. Most of the time, it felt like the anger had worn itself nearly away.

The first clues had been the botany lessons on the ranch. He’d stayed in that job longer than any of his previous ones. Mostly because of the proximity to plants and trees and the attention they had to pay to them. But interacting with the horses became less and less satisfying over time. Not that he did less than his best. Oh no. But he was consistently drawn more and more into the wilds around the ranch. Eventually, he’d moved on and started pursuing botany seriously. Growing and nurturing plants filled him with a warmth and a satisfaction that he’d not known before. Working with his hands, setting seeds in the soil and bringing them to life, creating something beautiful and useful all through his own efforts was almost intoxicating.

Now, two years later, he was proud of what he’d become and done. He had a small plot of land on the outskirts of the town he’d settled in. Most of it was covered in a profusion of plants. Some decorative, some edible, but most were the product of his study. He’d focused on fire-resistant plants and those that could be used to rehabilitate fire-ravaged areas. A few surprising breakthroughs had occurred in that plot of land. A few plants had proved more adept than originally believed at bringing ravaged areas back to health. A few other plants had proved to function as a kind of firebreak. It was successful enough that he’d gotten a grant to plant some of those plants in a wild area prone to wildfires.

That led to today, Evan wandering in a section of forest that he’d seeded with the firebreak plants. This area had suffered from wildfires for years. Often, they were quickly contained. But there was always damage. Nature suffered each time a wildfire raged here. His plants might help contain those fires and prevent them from spreading. It gave him a warm rush to know he was being helpful.

That rush faded though as the radio he was carrying squawked to life. A warning about a wildfire crackled through. Evan listened closely to the area already on fire, mentally comparing it to the map he held in his head. Then, a spike of fear lodged itself in his belly. The fire was burning in a crescent pattern through the area. And he was almost in the center of the curve. If he tried to run, by the time he reached one of the points of the crescent, the fire would have curled around to meet itself.

He was trapped.

Oddly enough, the reason the fire was burning in a crescent was the plants he’d seeded throughout this area. They were doing their job, functioning as a firebreak. But no plant could stand up to fire forever. They would eventually burn and this small pocket of clear land would disappear. A wry chuckle escaped him as he realized that he would get some very good hands-on information about his plants.

Somehow, he kept his voice even and calm as he radioed in his location and the conclusion he’d come to about the rate of the fire. There was silence on the other end of the radio for a few moments as the person digested what he’d said. Then, another voice crackled over the radio.

“I can be there in about five minutes,” the voice said. It was calm and professional, a pleasant tone that rippled down Evan’s spine. Whoever he was, he sounded competent and unfazed by the fires. “I’m picking up a family now that was camping in the area. Then I’ll be heading your way. Just hang on.”

Evan radioed back an acknowledgement then... waited. It was all he could do. Whether he survived this wildfire depended on the man who owned that calm voice. How was he picking up people and rescuing them from the fire? Some kind of shuttle? As the seconds ticked by, Evan kept a watch on the trees around him for signs of fire. Smoke had started billowing through the small clearing in he was in about thirty seconds after the conversation. He’d wrapped some cloth around his mouth and nose to try and filter it out.

Right about the five minute mark, flickers of fire were starting to show in the trees around the clearing. The temperature was rising and Evan wiped sweat away from his forehead. There was still no sign of any rescue. As tongues of fire started licking into the clearing, Evan resigned himself to his impending death. Time had run out. He maybe had another minute or so before the clearing was filled with flames. At least that family had been rescued. They were lucky to be able to escape this inferno.

He moved to the center of the clearing, seeing flame surrounding him from all sides. The crescent had clearly closed. Or offshoots of the flames had surrounded the clearing. Either way, there was nowhere for him to run. The only thing he could do was stand in the middle and wait. The only regret he had was not sending that final postcard to Maddie. It was still sitting on his kitchen table, waiting for his return.

The fire had started eating into the clearing when Evan heard the sound of his salvation. It was engines, coming from further north. He looked up and saw a shuttle come to a hover over the clearing. A human man was visible through the viewscreen at the front. He wore a red Starfleet uniform and looked to be in his late twenties. Maybe early thirties. His hair was a light brown and worn in curls. Evan saw that one curl had fallen down over his forehead and was just barely touching his eye. Those eyes were a strong blue, currently focused on controlling the shuttle. He glanced down to meet Evan’s eyes and he smiled. It was a relieved smile tinged with satisfaction.

His heart in his throat, Evan waved frantically at the pilot. The flames were rushing closer. He couldn’t see how the pilot was going to land the shuttle. Apparently, the pilot came to the same conclusion as a frown crossed his face. Then he squared his shoulders and nodded at Evan. He could only goggle at the pilot. Was he leaving him here after seeing there was no way to land?

But that wasn’t what he was doing. Instead, he brought the shuttle down, down, down, turning it so the rear was facing towards Evan. A couple feet above the ground, fire starting to lick at the underside, the doors at the back of the shuttle opened. An older Trill man waved at him, gesturing for Evan to jump into the shuttle. An older woman, likely his wife, held out her hand to him to help him climb in.

After a moment of shock and awe, hovering the shuttle just above the flames couldn’t be easy, Evan ran forward and leaped at the shuttle.The couple each grabbed a hand and helped him clamber into the shuttle. A searing heat followed him as flames tried to burn their way after him. Evan tumbled to the floor as the pilot lifted the shuttle away, closing the doors. Three children squealed at the sudden motion. The man helped Evan up and over to one of the benches so that he could sit.

Breathing hard, Evan took a moment to remove the cloth then study the pilot and his rescuer. Up close, the man was large, as tall as Evan himself. He worked the controls of the shuttle with steady hands, each motion precise with no wasted movement. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled again at Evan. Relief was clear in his storm blue eyes. Evan was caught in those eyes for what felt like an eternity, emotions chasing themselves through his belly and over his spine. The man had a cleft in his chin. For some reason, Evan’s eyes focused on the cleft. A strange desire to slot his thumb into that cleft flashed in his belly. It looked like the right size for the pad of his thumb. After a few heartbeats that felt like an eternity, the man turned back to piloting.

Then Evan shook his head and wiped more sweat off his face. What was he thinking? He was overwhelmed with the rescue, dealing with the adrenaline of almost dying. While the man flew them out of the path of the wildfire and back to safety, Evan chatted with the family. Mostly to keep the children calm. The youngest seemed about to burst into tears at any moment. As the shuttle landed, the doors at the back opening to let them out, a voice came over the shuttle’s comms.

“Ensign Kinard, all the people have been rescued from the wildfire. Once you’ve deposited the people you’ve rescued, report back to the Wanderer.”

“Acknowledged, Lieutenant,” the man, Kinard, said. “See you soon.”

He turned around in the chair as they were all filing out of the shuttle and waved companionably. Evan waved back along with the three children. They cheered a little bit, exhaustion clearly overtaking them. Their parents nodded tiredly and thankfully at the pilot. Then, they were out of the shuttle, the doors were closing, and Evan’s rescuer was heading back to his ship.

As soon as Evan got back home, he pulled out another blank postcard and started writing. And if he didn’t know much about the pilot, that was all to the good as there wasn’t much room on the postcard for the whole story anyway. Besides, part of him wanted to keep that moment when their eyes met in the shuttle to himself.

~*~*~*~

Evan was twenty four and he was shocked. He’d given up on the idea a few years back. It had been six years since he’d put his name in to be considered for a host for a symbiont. When he’d chosen botany and gotten serious about it, he’d thought that that was it. That he wasn’t going to be a host. But now, he had gotten a message from Andani Len saying that they’d accepted him. Oddly, it was the same Trill elder Evan could remember visiting when he was ten. Though he still couldn’t quite remember why. As he thought about it, the ghost of an old grief he didn’t understand rose up in him.

With a shake of his head, Evan banished the shadows of grief. Now was the time to be elated and excited! He’d been chosen to be a host! He was expected in two days. It was long enough for him to take care of any affairs and still travel. Part of him wanted to leave right away. Part of him wanted to become a host within the next minute. A big part of the reason he’d applied in the first place was a desire to know what it was like to belong. Just belong. Have a family who cared, people who loved him. People who didn’t look through him or leave him.

Longing burned in his chest as he wondered which symbiont was going to bond with him. What did it know, what memories did it hold? How many people had it bonded with before him? Those questions and more whirled through Evan’s mind. But he wouldn’t get any answers for two days. Two days. It seemed like forever and like no time at all. Well, he should probably get started preparing for the trip.

Two days later found him being greeted by Andani Len and two other elders that he didn’t recognize. Andani gestured to the man to the left of them, introducing him as Darien Hok. Another gesture to the woman and they introduced her as Tessa Fon. They all waited for him, Darien with a warm smile and Tessa and Andani with grave expressions.

“Welcome, Evan,” Darien said as he approached. “We’re pleased to see you.”

“Th-thank you,” Evan replied, flushing a little as he stumbled over his words. “And thank you for the opportunity.”

“This is an important moment,” Tessa said, her voice as grave as her expression. “For you as well as for the symbiont.”

“Oh,” was all Evan could think to say. How did one reply to that?

“Come,” Andani said after a moment. They gestured Evan to follow. “It is time.”

Evan swallowed hard and squared his shoulders. Tension and anxiety fluttered in his belly alongside the excitement. What if he was rejected? It did happen. His heart beat quicker before he took a deep breath to calm himself. Don’t go borrowing trouble before it happened. He would go through the bonding process and then see. Hopefully, he would be deemed acceptable by the symbiont. Following after Andani, with Darien and Tessa on his heels, Evan walked into his future.

~*~*~*~

The memory came slowly, softly. He was floating in a pond, the water cool on his back and the sun warm on his front. It was pleasant and he breathed out in satisfaction. Small ripples announced his little brother swimming over to him. In anticipation, he took a deep breath. Then, as expected, a hand pressed down on his chest and dunked him under the water. He surfaced to a plethora of giggles. His little brother was treading water a few feet away, barely keeping his head above water as he laughed.

“Gotcha!” Erani crowed, barely able to speak through the giggling. “I gotcha!”

“You did,” he agreed, wiping water out of his eyes. “But I’m gonna get you next!”

He lunged at Erani, tickling his ribs. Erani burst into shrieking giggles and tried batting his hands away. Not seriously. It was clear he was enjoying being tickled. After a few moments, they turned the game in a chase, back forth through the pond. By the end, they were both breathing heavily and dripping water. They paddled to the shore, sitting half in the water with their arms slung over each other’s shoulders. The sun warmed their chilled skin as a breeze ruffled strands of their soaked hair.

“Last day before your first day of school,” he said, squeezing Erani’s shoulders. “You excited?”

“Excited,” Erani agreed. Then he bit his lip and looked away. One hand made circles in the water. “Kinda scared too. What if the other kids don’t like me?”

“I won’t say it won’t happen, because it might. You know I don’t lie,” he said, waiting until Erani nodded slowly. “But you just have to be you. I’m sure you’ll make friends.”

“But what if I don’t?” Erani asked quietly.

“Well, you’ve got me,” he replied, hugging Erani. “I’ll always be here for you.”

“Thanks,” Erani said, leaning into the hug for several heartbeats.

They sat in silence as the sun traveled overhead, enjoying the warmth. Their hair slowly dried in the breeze. As they sat, their conversation jumped from topic to topic. Laughter rang out, a few groans at embarrassing memories, and jokes that brought rolled eyes. The golden day continued until their parents called them in for dinner.

As they sat around the table, his eyes moved over the faces of his family. Love swelled in his chest as did pride for Erani’s first day of school. Jitters were normal; he’d felt the same way before his first day of school. But he had no doubts that Erani would do perfectly fine. He was a bright, outgoing, funny kid. Surely he would have no problems making friends.

“And Lendin, perhaps you can walk Erani to school tomorrow,” their mother, Asha, suggested. Their father, Cam, nodded in approval. “A little bit of familiarity before something new.”

“Of course,” he agreed after slanting a glance at Erani and seeing him nod.

Hearing his name broke Evan away from the memory. It still played in the back of his mind. Walking his little brother to school the next day, hearing all about his first day of school after, knowing that he had made friends the very first day. Feeling love for his family and knowing he was loved in return. It was wonderful, sitting at that dinner table after spending the day horsing around in the pond.

Just as softly, just as slowly, the entire life of Lendin Forl, the first host for Forl, unscrolled in his mind. He could remember growing up with Enari, how proud he was when Enari graduated, helping him move into his first home. He remembered dinners and vacations and celebrations with their parents and extended family. He was filled with love and warmth and happiness. Meeting the woman who would become the love of his life, introducing her to his family, being happy when they welcomed and loved her just as he did. Building a family with her.

He remembered holding her hand when she took her last breath. Heather, the woman he’d loved for forty years. Their children and significant others gathering at the funeral, all the family he’d had and made over the years. It was a full, wonderful, satisfied life. The last memory was of Lendin saying goodbye to Forl, of that last moment they were together. It was bittersweet. A tear slipped from the corner of Evan’s eye as he surfaced from the memories.

That day, he spent most of his time in his gardens. It was soothing and helped him deal with the weight of a lifetime’s worth of memories. It was wonderful and terrifying, being privy to everything Lendin knew. And now, Evan wasn’t sure if he was worthy of the weight.

But he’d try. He’d try.

~*~*~*~

It was a spontaneous purchase when he went into town for some supplies. Food for him and food for his plants, a few odds and ends for the house. And a harp. For some reason, as he passed the music store and saw it in the window, it called to him. He could almost feel the strings under his fingers, the wood pressed against his shoulder and cheek. The vibrating of the music in his chest as he played.

Without thinking too hard about it, he walked inside and pointed out the harp. About twenty minutes later, he walked out with a receipt and the knowledge that the harp would be shipped to his home in its case. The rest of his shopping went by in a haze, most of his mind on the harp that would be waiting for him.

After getting home and putting all his purchases away, Evan carefully picked up the case and carted it into his living room. He unpacked the harp with a care bordering on reverence. As soon as it was free, he ran his fingers over the strings. It was detuned, which made sense due to the travel. Better to loosen the tension on the strings than to have them snap. Inside the case was a pack of replacement strings in case there had been snappings during travel. He ran his fingers over the strings again and slowly tuned the instrument.

Then he rested the harp against his shoulder as if he’d been playing for years. Then he started to play.

The music was simple at first. Random chords, runs on the strings, plucked notes here and there. More to get the feel of this specific instrument rather than an intent to play a song. As his fingers warmed up and harpsong filled his living room, Evan closed his eyes. Muscle memory took over and a song started to form. Then he slipped into the memory.

She was singing quietly to the little bundle in her arms. Black hair peeked above a crocheted blanket in cheerful stripes of pale greens and yellows. A small, round, beloved face scrunched in a yawn as she rocked in time to the song. A tiny hand was latched onto her finger. The strength in that tiny hand still amazed her. How could someone this small, this new to the world, hold on so strongly? How could she love someone this much?

Footsteps in the doorway of the nursery caught her attention. She looked up to smile fondly at her husband, Jiran. He was watching them with a stunned expression that spoke to the happiness fizzing in her chest. A glance down at their baby made the love grow even more. They had made her. They were the reason this little miracle was here.

“How is she sleeping, Roya?” Jiran whispered, moving closer to place a gentle hand on their daughter’s head.

“Like she doesn’t have a care in the world,” Roya replied, stroking her thumb over the back of her daughter’s hand.

Jiran covered her and their daughter’s hands with his, linking the three of them together. Roya looked up into his eyes, her smile widening even as her chest felt like it was too small to contain all the love she had. Jiran, Roya, and now little Serra. It was perfect. She hummed the song again, basking in this perfect moment. She wished it would never end.

But nothing is forever.

The next memory attached to the song was sad. Heartachingly, numbingly sad. Roya hummed the song as she stood next to Jiran. He held her hand tightly, that single contact the only thing keeping her tethered to herself and the world. They stood before a tiny coffin, the scent of flowers almost overwhelming. For years after, Roya refused to be anywhere near lilies or the scent of lilies.

Four short years. That’s all they’d had with Serra, in their little perfect family, before an accident had taken her before her time. Though everything that could have been done had been, there’d just been too much damage to poor little Serra’s body. She fought, valiantly, trying to stay and live the life she should have had. But they were mortal, delicate flesh and blood and bone. And finally, Serra couldn’t fight anymore. Two days after the accident, she’d passed with her mother and father bracketing her in her hospital bed.

Now, at the final moments before Serra will be laid to her final rest, Roya can’t help but hum the song she’d spent so much time humming and rocking Serra to sleep to. One last time, one last memory with her beloved daughter. Tears stream down her face though Roya doesn’t even notice them. But she can hear the sobs Jiran is stifling, feel him shaking through their joined hands. In this final moment, they mourn together.

Distantly, in his own body, tears start to stream down Evan’s face. Though his hands moved surely and steadily over the harpstrings.

The final memory attached to that song is as bittersweet as Lendin’s. Roya hummed the song, her fingers moving over imaginary strings in front of her. She’d taken up playing the harp not long after Serra had died. She and Jiran both had found something to concentrate on, something to keep them focused on life. It had taken a long time but they’d both grieved and healed. They remained in love, the loss of their daughter and the effort of healing bonding them even tighter. Over the years, they’d become closer to Jiran’s family. They were secondary parents to Jiran’s sister’s kids, their home just as much their home as Jiran’s sisters. While their home wasn’t filled with the laughter of their daughter, it was filled with laughter and love. At times, Roya imagined Serra with her cousins, playing and laughing and running.

Even now, Jiran was at her side. At the end, when her body had reached its limit. They both knew what removing Forl would do, that it would be the end of her. But she didn’t have much time left and she didn’t want to risk the life of the symbiont for a little longer with her family. She and Jiran had talked about it, extensively, and both agreed it was the right move. Besides, Roya had whispered, holding onto Jiran’s arm tightly, Serra lived on in Forl’s memories. Future hosts would know her, remember her, and know how much she was loved. She suspected that that was what had convinced Jiran in the end.

His voice joined hers in the song, humming in a rough harmony. She squeezed his hand, nodding at him in reassurance. For all that her life was coming to an end, she wasn’t frightened. She hadn’t been, ever since she’d first received the news the end was coming. There wasn’t reason to be frightened because...

“She’s waiting for me,” Roya whispered, breaking the song. “We’ll wait for you, for your time. I love you, Jiran.”

“I love you, too, Roya,” Jiran replied, brushing away a tear before leaning down to press a kiss to her lips. “Tell Serra I love her too. I’ll see you both again.”

Roya smiled fondly at her husband then allowed the elders to wheel her away from Jiran. He would wait to receive her body, once Forl was safely removed. While tears gathered in her eyes, and flowed down Jiran’s cheeks, she still felt no fear. It was time. She was at peace.

As Evan’s hands stilled on the strings, more tears tracked down his cheeks. More of Roya’s memories joined those first three. Serra was like a bright, golden light in those memories. She was so happy, so sweet, so full of joy and curiosity. His chest ached as he watched her grow through Roya’s eyes. He delighted with Roya as she and Jiran raised and loved their daughter. As they built their lives. And he grieved with them as Serra died. As they slowly learned to live a life without their daughter and healed from the loss.

More bright spots in the memories as family filled in the gaps in their lives. Though they weren’t as golden as the memories of Serra. There was always a hole but they learned to exist around that hole. They were fulfilled even if their brightest joy was gone. Yet, they still loved and passed on their experience and wisdom. And they were together, up until the end.

One last time, the last memory of Roya Forl played through his mind. She was the fourth host for Forl and Evan got the sense there was a long gap between Roya and the fifth host. When the memory was finished, Evan rested his cheek against the wood grain of the harp and let himself sob out the last of his tears.

That was the last time he played the harp for a long time. Though, eventually, he was drawn back. Not every memory of Roya’s was sad. There was light and beauty and love. Besides, he could give Roya her last wish and remember Serra. And it was comforting playing the harp, even if he’d had no desire to learn before becoming Forl’s host.

~*~*~*~

It began as a dream. They were about five or so and visiting an uncle who lived nearly on the other side of the planet. It wasn’t often that Uncle Theo was home, honestly. His job kept him busy and, often, off-planet.

“What’s an amba, ambesor, amba person do?” they asked their father as their mother checked the directions again.

“Ambassador, Jet,” their father, Nic, corrected gently. “Theo works with the Federation as a representative of Trill and our people. Each planet in the Federation has their own ambassador, or group of ambassadors, involved in the Federation.”

“Is Uncle Theo the only Trill ambas... ambassador?” they asked, carefully pronouncing the word that still sounded weird. It made them a little sad to think Uncle Theo might be all alone. No family, no friends, surrounded by all those strangers. “Or are there more?”

“There are two other ambassadors that work with Theo,” their mother, Layla, broke in. “Theo is good friends with one but maintains professional relations with their other. Something about their personalities rubbing the wrong way.”

Layla chuckled and Nic joined in, though Jet was confused. If they didn’t get along, why did they have to work together? That didn’t sound like a good thing. But before they could ask, the shuttle arrived and Layla was chivvying the whole group on board. And by the time they got to Uncle Theo’s house, other questions took over.

That moment started Jet on the path that would define their life. They became an ambassador, taking Theo’s place when he retired. Indeed, for the past several years, Jet had worked as an aide and junior ambassador with Theo. Their schooling focused on history, politics, diplomacy, and interspecies relations. It was exhilarating and fulfilling work. It was everything Jet had wanted out of their life.

Though they didn’t have a family, and to be quite honest never wanted one, they considered all of Trill their family. That lack of desire for a family of their own didn’t stop them from interacting and loving their blood relations. But from a distance. Work kept them busy and their own temperament kept them somewhat distant. There was love but it wasn’t all-consuming.
And the day Theo retired and handed over the lead ambassador position was a memory that was ingrained in Jet’s mind. Along with the proud smile Theo wore.

Evan woke up in the middle of the stream of memories. It was an odd and somewhat cold recitation of a life. Not that it was bad. Far from it. Jet Forl, the second host for Forl, was quite happy with who they were and what they accomplished. It was just that they felt almost like an isolated island in the middle of a group of islands. They liked it that way. Interaction when it was wanted and isolation when it was wanted. Evan wondered at the memories, so completely different from what he’d wanted growing up.

Then the stream of memories came to the last one. Jet was on a shuttle, piloted by a fellow Trill who was a member of Starfleet. He was taking Jet to the ship that was waiting in orbit around the planet. He, and the other two ambassadors already aboard, were heading to a Federation meeting. Things were going well, the pilot flying with confident hands. Then, all in a heartbeat, everything went wrong.

Something hit the front of the shuttle, exploding in a shower of sparks. As they were out of the atmosphere, the pilot had turned off the shields to save power. Whatever it was damaged the front of the shuttle, throwing them around in their seats as the entire thing bucked. Then, something pierced the cabin. Whatever it was screamed into the small space and slammed into Jet’s chest. Alarms went off, screaming shrilly in the small space. They lost some of the air before shields activated in the small hole. The pilot was swearing, his hands flying over the buttons in front of him.

Odd, Jet hadn’t even asked his name. Just nodded politely before settling into the seat.

They should have asked his name.

Looking down at their chest, Jet saw the hole whatever it was had caused. It was small, maybe about 3 centimeters in diameter. Luckily, it had missed Forl entirely where the symbiont curled up in their torso. It had also missed their heart, which was why they were still able to assess the wound. But a silvery burning pain in their chest and a sudden rasping that made it hard to breathe told Jet that the object had hit their lung. Each breath felt like it had to force its way through an immense gravity, coming shallower and shallower. Darkness started to bleed in on the edges of their vision. There was no more time and there was Forl to consider.

Jet reached out slowly, forcing their arm to move. It felt like an eternity before their fingers reached the pilot’s arm. The pilot cut off in mid-swear, turning to look at Jet with wide eyes. He glanced down at the wound in Jet’s chest and grimaced.

“Just hold on, Ambassador, we’ll have you on the ship in no time. The doctor’ll fix you right up,” the man said, patting Jet’s arm reassuringly. “We’re almost there.”

“No... time,” Jet gasped around the weight on their lungs. They pressed a hand to their abdomen, meeting the pilot’s eyes with as much urgency as they could. “Forl... must live. Please... help me. Help... Forl.”

For a few long seconds, the pilot was silent. His eyes dropped away from Jet’s and his mouth moved in silent words. Jet waited him out, seeing the struggle on his face. Not every Trill wanted to be a host. Some wanted nothing to do with the symbionts. It was possible this pilot was one who never wanted to be a host and never thought he would be. But every Trill was raised with the same reverence for the symbionts. Every Trill understood their importance, the need to keep them safe. They saw the moment the pilot made the decision.

“All right,” he nodded and exhaled heavily. “We’ll save Forl.”

The memory fragmented then though there was a clear thread of relief. Forl wouldn’t die with Jet. Forl would live on. The last thing Jet remembered was murmuring to the pilot to tell their family goodbye. Then, as they felt Forl leave them, they sighed quietly. And sank into the darkness.

Without pause, the next stream of memories started. It began with a little pain. Of course there was pain. Jet had been hurt, was dying. Had died. Forl mourned and Beller mourned with it. Though he’d only known the ambassador for minutes, maybe twenty at most, Forl had been with the ambassador for years. He could feel memories trembling under the pain, memories that would be his soon. Two other lives, two other people who had hosted Forl and shared their own memories with the symbiont. And now, he was the third.

Beller Forl.

Oh, Kezzler was going to love this.

Beller shook his head at the level of sarcasm even in his own mind. It had taken a surprisingly short time to extricate Forl and transplant the symbiont into himself. Though it was long enough that the ship was sending near-constant messages to the shuttle. They’d seen whatever had hit them, saw the damage, knew that Beller hadn’t replied to their hails. They could see that Beller had put the shuttle into a stop while Ambassador Jet had died.

While he had no idea how hosts learned the memories when they received their symbiont, he knew he had no time to be distracted. So he pushed those trembling memories to the back of his mind and focused on his job. First, answer the hails. Next, stop at sickbay to make sure Forl was okay and for the ambassador’s body to be properly dealt with. After that, figure out how to tell Kezzler what had happened.

As Beller answered the hails, starting to answer the barrage of questions, the memory slowly faded. There was darkness for a short time that gave Evan time to catch his breath. He still wasn’t used to seeing the last moments of the previous hosts. Tears burned in his eyes and he swiped them away. It helped that Jet didn’t feel angry or regretful or unfulfilled. They had lived as they wanted to and faced death with the same equanimity with which they’d faced their life. Indeed, all their worry had been for Forl and making sure the symbiont survived. It was a stroke of luck that the pilot had been a Trill as well and willing to become a host.

He took several deep breaths, keeping his mind open and blank. After the memories of Lendin had nearly knocked him off his feet, Evan had contacted Andani. Their advice had been to put himself into an almost meditative state, to allow the memories to come but remember that they weren’t him. Almost like he was watching them on a screen. The distance had helped, allowed him not to be lost in the lives of the others. Though there were moments he often thought about. For now, as Beller had when he’d first become a host, Evan held the memories at bay so they wouldn’t overwhelm him.

When his heart slowed to a more reasonable rate, he allowed Beller’s memories to continue. It was a little odd, moving into another host’s memories directly after a different one. But he supposed it made sense. For all that Jet was accepting of their death, it was still a traumatic moment. For all of them. It made sense that Beller’s memories would be so attached to Jet’s.

The next memory started in a large room. There was a low rumbling vibration that Beller could feel in his heels. It was comforting, familiar. Outside the large, round window, stars streaked by as the ship traveled. He’d spent a long time in the infirmary. Countless tests had been run on him and Forl by the doctor, an Andorian with a brusque manner who was meticulous at her job. Jet’s body had been prepared and sent back to Trill. Beller had handwritten a letter to Jet’s family, fulfilling his promise to tell them goodbye.

Now, he was back in the quarters he shared with his husband, Kezzler Smith. Kezzler was the ship’s astrophysicist, was half human and half Betazoid, was in Starfleet Academy at the same time as Bezzler, and was currently pacing their quarters running his fingers through his short black hair. His brown eyes were skipping everywhere, landing on anything but Beller. He was also the man Beller had fallen in love with at first sight. He could remember that first moment, the first day at the Academy. He and Kezzler had been walking to the same class. Kezzler had smiled at him and Beller was gone.

Oh Evan thought distantly, a flash of blue eyes competing with the memory.

“And you’re.... What?” Kezzler asked, sounding angry and scared. So very scared underneath the words. He was trying to hide it but Beller knew him. Knew him down to his bones. “Beller but now you’re other people?”

“Yes and no,” Beller replied slowly. He ached to wrap Kezzler in his arms, to press his hands to Kezzler’s heart to slow its no doubt frenzied beating. But he also knew that touch was the last thing Kezzler wanted right now. “I’m still me. Being a host doesn’t change that. The symbiont doesn’t... doesn’t take me over or make me into someone else.”

“But you have the memories, right? That’s how it works?” Kezzler persisted. He stopped pacing and pointed at Beller before tapping a finger on his own temple. “The symbiont’s previous hosts. They’re in there.”

“Yes, I have their memories,” Beller nodded. Then he tilted his head a little to the side as he narrowed his eyes in thought. “Lendin and Jet. I’m the third host for Forl.”

Kezzler marched up to him, stopping a bare step away. He caught Beller’s eyes and stared up at him intensely. For his part, Beller just let his husband look. Let him see everything that Beller was and everything that he’d now become. That he was still himself though he now had others’ memories inside him. Had Forl inside him, was now home to a symbiont.

“Is it still you?” Kezzler asked quietly, reaching up as if to cup Beller’s jaw but stopping just before he touched him. “The memories won’t make you... someone else? Won’t take you away from me?”

“What do you feel, my love?” Beller whispered, leaning just enough so that Kezzler’s hand touched his skin. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. Love filled him, love and home and Kezzler. “What do you feel from me?”

There was silence for a long heartbeat. He could imagine Kezzler’s face, could imagine the concentration as he drew on his Betazoid side to feel Beller’s emotions. There was a quiet gasp, almost sob, then Kezzler was wrapping his arms around him. Lips touched his and Beller could feel tears sliding down his husband’s cheeks.

“It’s still you,” Kezzler whispered, his lips moving against Beller’s.

“It’s always going to be me,” Beller replied, kissing him gently. “I promise you, it’s always me.”

The memory fizzed out filled with warmth and tenderness. There was the knowledge that, while it was an adjustment for them both and there were still rough patches, they adapted to their new normal. Evan pressed a hand to his chest as more of Beller’s memories followed. He loved his husband, so very much. They loved each other. They were home and everything to each other. It was everything he’d wished for when he’d sought out lovers. That tenderness and comfort and belonging. It hadn’t been in those moments but now, now he understood it. Now he ached for it, wished desperately to find the same for himself.

Though he was happy Beller and Kezzler had found that in each other.

They worked together on that ship for the rest of their careers in Starfleet. Through adventures and danger and fights and peace, through crew changing and some medical issues. They were together and it was enough. By the time silver had taken over both of their hair and wrinkles crinkled at the corners of their eyes and mouths, they were ready to retire. They decided to settle on Betazed to live out their remaining years. They gardened, participated in the local community, and told stories of their time in Starfleet.

It was a comfortable life well-lived. They had few regrets, mostly that they wouldn’t be able to see what other wonders were out there. Eventually, knowing his end was coming, Beller and Kezzler traveled to Trill. There, they spent time exploring Beller’s home planet, being together, and spending time with Beller’s family. Beller also spoke with the Trill elders in charge of choosing hosts and helped pick the next host for Forl. Her name was Roya and she’d submitted her name to be a host a few years ago. She was newly married to her husband Jiran and they were both teachers.

The end came softly. Kezzler was there with him until the last, their hands clasped together. There were tears but there was also joy for the life they’d had together. When it was time, Kezzler kissed him for the final time.

“Wait for me, okay?” Kezzler murmured as he pressed his cheek to Beller’s. “I’ll be along soon.”

“I’ll wait forever, my love,” Beller promised, running his fingers through Kezzler’s silver hair. It had grown longer since they’d been here on Trill. He liked the look on him. “Don’t rush on my account.”

The last memory Beller had was of Kezzler’s face. He blew one last kiss as the light faded. A smile tugged at his lips as Beller stretched his hand towards Kezzler in a final goodbye. Then the memories let him go.

Evan kept his hand pressed to his chest as he laid back down. Sleep eluded him for the rest of the night though he was fine with that. The memories Beller had made with his husband were so lovely. Now, he fully understood the importance of the symbionts down to his bones. It had started with the memories of Serra but now fully crystallized. The symbionts were the receptacles of memories, were history and learning and wisdom. They kept their hosts alive in their memories and shared with future hosts.

They were a living link to Trill of the past and into the future.

~*~*~*~

The fifth host was not a host for years, like many of the others. She was only a host for about a decade. Her name was Ullan and she was so excited to become a host. In her memories, Evan saw that Ullan realized there was a large gap between the last host, Roya, and her. The losses Roya had suffered, the hope her daughter would be remembered, had affected Forl deeply. It took time for the symbiont to be ready to bond again.

Ullan felt honored that she had been chosen when Forl was ready again. Part of her wondered if it was her zest for life that had weighted the choice in her favor. She wanted to experience everything. She lived for trying new things, going new places, learning new information. And everything she did or learned or experienced was translated into her art.

Art had consumed Ullan for as long as she could remember. Ever since she was a toddler, she saw the world in colors. Blocks and slashes and blobs of color that made up everything around her. Her parents gave her fingerpaints when she was about four and Ullan found her passion. She painted whenever she had free time. Canvasses littered her room and most of her clothing was paint-speckled. Though, her parents helped her keep some clothes paint-free and in good condition.

Becoming a host had been another experience Ullan wanted to have. Being a vessel for one of the symbionts, holding the memories of previous hosts, and adding to the memories the symbiont had sounded fascinating. The day she gained Forl as her symbiont was one of the best days of her life. Seeing the memories of those who had come before her filled her with awe.

For ten years, Ullan lived. She painted whatever came into her mind, whatever inspired her in the moment. Several of those paintings ended up being gifted to friends and family. She traveled and played and loved. There was no one specific person but Ullan was happy with her temporary relationships. Everyone taught her something. Life was wonderful and she was in love with every second of it.

It was a lovely, warm, breezy day when the accident happened. Ullan was swimming with a group of friends. The water was a little choppy but no danger to any of them. They were all strong, experienced swimmers. There shouldn’t have been a problem.

It happened when Ullan dove about eight or so feet down to look at a crevice in the rocky bottom. Something glittered inside it. It didn’t look natural, like an animal or shell. Curiosity drove her and she reached inside the crevice. Something smooth met her fingers and Ullan grinned to herself as she grabbed it. Then, she felt something sting the back of her hand. Clenching her teeth around the gasp that threatened to bubble out of her mouth, Ullan dropped the object and pulled her hand out.

Stuck to the back of her hand was what she recognized as a sea urchin. It was a purpley-red color that reminded her of flowers. Ullan shook her hand gently to dislodge the urchin. The sting spread over her hand as nausea started to roil in her belly. A flicker of panic roiled alongside the nausea as Ullan shot towards the surface. Or tried to. She felt like a weight was holding her down, keeping her from moving as quickly as she could. Her arms and legs felt like they were filled with lead.

It was an agonizingly long wait before she finally breached the surface. Luckily, she came up near her friends. Unable to speak, barely able to draw a breath, Ullan held up her hand to her nearest friend. Darkness started to fill her eyes as all the strength left her limbs. The last thing she heard was raised voices as she was towed towards the shore.

The next memories seemed to be mainly Forl’s, from inside Ullan. She was brought to a medical center and treated but the venom from the urchin proved too much for her body. While she still breathed and, technically, lived, she had no neural function. Through Ullan’s ears, Forl heard the decision to transfer it out of her and let her go.

It mourned at the loss of such a bright and cheerful person.

~*~*~*~

Evan mourned with Forl as he surfaced from the final memory of Ullan Forl. It was an unaccountable tragedy that she’d died from an accident when she should have had so much more time. Her thirst for life mirrored Evan’s, her desire to experience new things reminded him so much of himself. She never traveled off Trill, always finding something new here on their home planet, but might have had she more time.

With her memories now his as well, Evan had experienced five of the previous six hosts. All that remained was the final host. He was thankful the memories didn’t start immediately, like they had with Beller. Again, he got the feeling that there was a small gap between Ullan and whoever the sixth host was.

As he thought about it, something solid trembled in the back of his mind.

A month after receiving Ullan’s memories, Evan still hadn’t experienced the memories of the final host. He’d contacted the Elders a week ago and spoken with Darien Hok. Though he’d been somewhat vague, he’d reassured Evan that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. That the memories would come when they did and he merely had to be patient. It reassured him that it wasn’t him but was still frustrating that he needed to wait.

Oddly enough, it was a letter from his mother that triggered the memories. In the middle of the week, when he headed into town to pick up some supplies and a few more seeds for his experiments, he found the letter waiting for him. The sight of his mother’s neat handwriting sparked something in the back of his mind. It almost made him feel floaty and as if the shadow of sorrow was hidden somewhere deep.

Unnerved, Evan waited until he got back home to open the letter. He sat on the couch, making himself comfortable before he could bring himself to read the words. In it, Margaret and Philip congratulated him on becoming a host for a symbiont. The letter was formal, without any warmth, and nearly impersonal. It was as if his parents were writing to a stranger they barely new. Which, if Evan were being honest, they didn’t really know him. They never saw him.

It was her signature that brought the flood. Suddenly, he saw Margaret and Philip. They were younger and were holding a baby wrapped in a pink and white blanket. She had brown hair and brown eyes, looking curiously around from the safety of Margaret’s arms. She held the bundle out a little, so that he could see.

“This is Maddie,” Margaret said as Philip smiled down at the baby. “Say hello to your sister, Daniel.”

Daniel? Evan repeated as the memory continued.

“Hi Maddie,” he said, reaching out to touch her cheek with a gentle finger. Her skin was warm and she gurgled at the touch. “Nice to meet you.”

He was eight and he had a little sister. It was exciting. He couldn’t wait to play with her, to be her older brother. In a series of quick moments, Evan watched as Maddie grew up and Daniel grew into a big brother. They were a happy family, Margaret and Philip loving and involved. Then, when Maddie was four, tragedy struck.

Daniel was stricken with an aggressive form of cancer.

None of the three of them were a match for the transplant Daniel needed. So Margaret and Philip made the decision to have another baby in the hope that the baby would be a match. Could save Daniel. So they waited until the baby was born. They named him Evan. And he was a match.

Daniel was saved by his little brother. At twelve, he had the rest of his life ahead of him. The whole family was relieved and, though he didn’t understand at the time, Evan was celebrated. They were whole and together and everything was going to be okay.

Confusion filled him as the memories continued. Confusion and a growing anger. Himself growing up now with his siblings. They were close, despite the difference in age. He loved Maddie and Daniel with the passion and focus only children could have. They were family. They were his world, his siblings and his parents.

For ten years, they lived and grew and thrived. When he was eighteen, Daniel submitted his name to become a host. He was accepted six months later. He was chosen for Forl and joined the ranks of hosts. By now, he’d decided that he wanted to go into medicine, inspired by the time he’d been dealing with cancer.

When he was twenty one, Daniel came home with terrible news. Nine year old Evan was the first one to see him walk inside and he lit up to see his older brother. Until he saw the expression on his brother’s face and his heart dropped. Daniel saw the sudden fear in his brother and pulled him into a hug. Tears glimmered in his eyes though he refused to let them fall. That was how Margaret found them. One look at Daniel’s face and she knew. It was back.

He fought for as long as he could. And always with one eye on Forl’s health as well. But this time, even though Evan provided another transplant, the cancer was just too much. About a year later, not long after he turned twenty two, Daniel lost the fight. He said goodbye to his family, trying to reassure a crying Maddie and an Evan that looked shellshocked. He kissed both their foreheads and promised that they would be okay. He hugged his parents and gave his final goodbye. Then he went with the elders so that they could save Forl from the illness that was going to kill him.

Evan jerked forward, nearly falling off the couch as he gasped. It was odd, seeing the memories from outside himself. Seeing himself from another perspective. COnfusion still had its grip on him but now rage was staring to boil. He had a brother. He’d had a brother and no one had told him. He’d grown up with him, had known what it was like to have a loving family, and now he couldn’t remember. Why couldn’t he remember?

He prodded at the memories, feeling something deep in his mind that the memories pressed up against. He pushed harder and suddenly, a block that he hadn’t been aware of faded. It released a wave of memories, much the same as the other memories he’d received from Forl. But this time, they were his own.

Ten years of memories of his brother, of his family, of his life before everything had changed. Before his parents had grown distant and stopped seeing him. Before he;d felt like a failure and an intruder in his own home. Now, he could remember growing up with Daniel and Maddie from his own perspective, as himself. Now, he could remember the love he’d had for his brother. And the sorrow at losing him.

And he could remember overhearing his parents making the decision to wipe his memories.

“Fuck,” Evan whispered as the stream of memories eased. But not the anger. “They took him from me. They took family from me.”

His teeth clenched as he thought of and discarded several options for dealing with the knowledge he now had. Nothing seemed right. Not for the level of betrayal that left an itch under his skin. Wrung out, Evan turned in early for the night. He would give himself a little time and then decide what he wanted to do.

~*~*~*~

Three years later, Evan was excited and nervous. He’d graduated Starfleet Academy and was being assigned to a starship as a botanist. He didn’t know which one yet. But he hoped that it was a place he could fit in. While he’d loved his time at Starfleet Academy, it wasn’t home. Nor was Trill. Not anymore. While he would always love his home planet, he needed the distance from his parents. When he’d made the decision to leave, he’d written a letter to Maddie. Not his parents. In it, he’d explained the memories he’d gotten from Forl, the memories that had been unlocked. And he told her he was leaving.

He’d left before getting a reply.

“Forl,” a stern voice called, pulling him out of his memories. “Forl, Evan.”

“That’s me,” Evan said as he stepped up next to an older human man in a red Starfleet uniform.

“Let’s see, first assignment,” the man said, consulting the padd in his hand. “Ah, yes. U.S.S. Wanderer, under Captain Nash. Good luck.”

“Thanks,” Evan nodded then headed towards the shuttle the man pointed to.

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. The Wanderer. Who would have thought? He wondered if the man who’d rescued him, Ensign Kinard, was still assigned to the ship. Maybe not. It had been five years, after all. When he got in the shuttle, he couldn’t help hoping that it would be Ensign Kinard piloting it. He didn’t recognize the human man seated in the pilot’s chair. He looked to be in his twenties with brown skin, black hair, and brown eyes.

“Welcome,” the man said, holding out a hand for Evan to shake. “Ensign Pannikar. Ravi. Nice to meet you.”

“Evan Forl,” Evan replied, shaking his hand. “Uh, Ensign Forl. Nice ot meet you too.”

They made small talk as Ravi piloted the shuttle to the ship. Evan listened as Ravi talked about friends aboard and other crewmembers. His heart rose into his throat as he watched the Wanderer grow bigger and bigger in the viewscreen. Then Ravi was deftly piloting the shuttle into the bay and setting down. The door in the back and Ravi waved for Evan to precede him.

There, he saw the man he’d been hoping to see in the pilot seat.

Ensign Kinard.

Lieutenant now, to go by the pips on his collar. He smiled at Evan, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He held out his hand for Evan to shake, much like Ravi had. Evan took the hand so that he wouldn’t dip the pads of his fingers in those crinkles.

“Nice to meet you,” Lieutenant Kinard said, shaking Evan’s hand twice before releasing it. “Welcome to the Wanderer. I’m Tommy.”

“Evan,” Evan replied, taking a deep breath and grabbing hold of himself. “And we’ve met before. You saved my life.”

“I did?” Tommy said, his eyes narrowing as he studied Evan’s face. “I don’t.... Wait. About five or six years ago, right? That wildfire on Trill?”

“Exactly,” Evan nodded then smiled. It was a flirty smile as well as warm but he couldn’t stop himself. “I never said thanks. So thanks. Your flying was amazing.”

“Thanks and you’re welcome,” Tommy replied, rubbing the back of his neck. He looked bashful, a little shy. “I’m just glad Wanderer was in the area and I was already flying.”

There was an awkward pause for a moment as they stood staring at each other. Evan felt the same rush in his belly he’d felt so long ago. The same warmth. And now, having Beller’s memories and knowing the love for his husband, he knew exactly what he was feeling.

“Well, we should get going,” Tommy broke the silence and clapped his hands once. “Gotta stop by sickbay and then Cap wants to meet you.”

“Me? Really? Why?” Evan stammered a little bit. The Captain wanted to meet him right away? Had he already done something wrong?

“He likes to meet all the new crewmembers. It’s nothing worrying,” Tommy said reassuringly, patting Evan’s shoulder. “Captain Nash is a good man. The Wanderer is a wonderful place to serve.”

Like in the shuttle, Evan let Tommy do most of the talking as they walked through the corridors towards sickbay. He learned a bit about some of the command staff, a few small personal anecdotes. But mostly, he just let himself enjoy being in Tommy’s presence. Even five years later, he still felt that tug of attraction. And now, might have the chance to do something about it.

“Hen,” Tommy called out as they entered sickbay. “Got a new patient for you.”

A Vulcan woman with dark skin and a shaved head turned towards them. She wore a blue uniform that almost had the look of scrubs. She nodded to Tommy then turned her attention to Evan. She studied him through glasses with clear frames. Whatever she saw must have satisfied her because she nodded at him.

“Welcome to the Wanderer,” she said, gesturing towards one of the empty biobeds. “Standard procedure, everyone gets an exam when they board the ship.”

“Oh, okay,” Evan nodded and hopped up onto the bed. He’d been in perfect health the entire time he’d been at Starfleet Academy. He wasn’t worried. While Hen ran the scan, he let his eyes roam the room.

Two nurses were taking care of two other patients in the room. The nurses were both male and both human. One was taller, with dark hair that swooped over his forehead and dark eyes. The other was shorter, with black hair cut into a spiky brush and brown eyes. They were treating two women, one human and one Klingon. They both had dark skin and dark eyes, the human with black hair shading to amber in a multitude of braids and the Klingon with short black hair.

“You’re never going rock climbing again with me on the holodeck, are you Athena?” the human woman asked, a laughingly wry tone in her voice.

“I’d prefer not to be injured in a fall,” the Klingon woman, Athena, replied. She grimaced as the shorter nurse probed at her forearm. “It’s the last thing I need when the Wanderer is taking Bobby away again for six months.”

“The ship will be back before you know it,” the other nurse interrupted. “Besides, it’s not like Bobby can’t talk to you the entire time we’re gone.”

“It’s not the same, Eddie, and you know it,” Athena retorted, growling a bit. Though, to Evan’s ear, the growl sounded more fond than angry. “What’s it like talking to Christopher when you’re not in person?”

“Oh, she’s got you, dude,” the shorter nurse said. He turned to Athena and continued, “It’s not broken, just tender. I’d ice it and elevate it. Try not to do anything too strenuous with that arm for a couple days.”

“Thanks, Howie,” Athena said, flexing her arm slowly. “What about you, Karen? How’s your injury?”

“Well, Eddie isn’t making his worried face, so I think I’m going to survive,” Karen laughed. “I don’t think I broke anything either.”

“You did not,” Eddie confirmed. “Just a sprain in your left ankle and wrist. Same advice as Athena, try to keep off your feet for a couple days.”

“Well, it’s a good thing my wife is a doctor,” Karen said, blowing a kiss towards Hen as she completed the scan on Evan. “She’ll make sure I’m following all the rules.”

“Absolutely,” Hen replied, shooting a look at her wife that was very fond for a Vulcan. Then she turned to Evan. “You are perfectly healthy as is your symbiont. If I understand Trill naming conventions, your symbiont’s name is Forl?”

“Yes,” Evan nodded. “Every host takes their symbiont’s name as their last name. So our name is both of us.”

“Interesting,” Hen nodded. She gestured for Evan to get up and he did so gratefully. She headed over to Karen and put a hand on her shoulder. “You’re cleared for duty aboard the Wanderer. If you’re ever feeling poor, don’t hesitate to stop by.”

Evan smiled and thanked her. He waved at the two nurses, Eddie and Howie, and at the two women, Karen and Athena, before following Tommy out of sickbay. As he was leaving, he heard Athena complain, “At least you get to stay on board with your wife. I have to go back to the space station as head of security.”

He walked with Tommy, heart in his throat again. Now that he’d been cleared by the doctor, he was going to meet the captain. He wasn’t quite sure if he was ready for it. As they got in the turbolift to head to the bridge, Evan swallowed heavily. Tommy caught the motion and nudged his shoulder with his.

“Hey, you got nothing to worry about,” Tommy said. “Cap doesn’t bite.”

Before Evan could reply, the doors opened onto the bridge. His eyes locked onto the human man in the captain’s chair. He was tall and somewhat lanky, with medium brown hair that had threads of silver in it. When he turned, Evan was struck by how kind his eyes were. He had a fatherly air but there was a touch of deep sorrow there.

“You must be our new botanist,” the man Evan assumed was Captain Nash said. “Welcome aboard. I’m Captain Bobby Nash.”

Evan stepped out of the turbolift, nudged along by a quick touch on the small of his back from Tommy. He moved towards Captain Nash and held out a hand. Part of him was proud that his hand didn’t shake with his nerves.

“Evan Forl, nice to meet you Captain,” Evan said, “I’m excited to be part of the crew.”

Taking a quick look around the bridge, Evan saw Ravi at one of the navigator’s seats. He didn’t recognize any of the other people scattered at their stations around the bridge. But they were all watching with friendly, open faces. No one seemed hostile. And Captain Nash was still smiling in welcome.

“We’re happy to have you aboard, son,” the captain said. “Why don’t you have Tommy show you to your lab and then to your quarters so you can settle in? Shifts don’t officially start until Wanderer is on its way.”

“Thank you, I appreciate that,” Evan replied, his heart pounding at being called son. A part of him drank it in thirstily, like a man finding a puddle in the desert.

They spoke for a minute or so more, mostly platitudes and welcomes. Then Evan was back in the turbolift with Tommy, heading towards the science lab that would be his for the duration of his time on Wanderer. When they exited again, the lab was close by. A minute walk and they were through the doors. It was an amazing place. Evan turned in a circle as he took in his new work space. Everything he could have wanted, and several things he couldn’t have imagined, were all here in this space. And it was all his.

“Well, you look like a kid taking his first trip into a candy shop,” Tommy said, amusement in his voice as he watched Evan. “Is it to your liking?”

“To my liking?” Evan repeated incredulously. He lifted his arms up as he spun in a circle again, laughing. “It’s perfect. I love it! I cannot wait to get started in here.”

“Great,” Tommy chuckled. “Looks like you’re going to settle just fine in here. Why don’t I show you where your quarters are and let you relax?”

Evan took one more last, longing look around the lab then followed Tommy again. His quarters were a good distance away from the labs. But it wasn’t a long walk after taking the turbolift to the correct level. Outside his door, Evan stopped and looked at Tommy. The clutch of attraction he felt hadn’t abated in the slightest. Indeed, standing here and looking at the man beside him, it was only growing. And now, Evan knew exactly what he was feeling.

“Hey, what are you doing later?” Evan asked suddenly.

“Uh, what do you mean?” Tommy asked, looking confused.

“I mean, you saved my life and I want to buy you a drink,” Evan replied, giving Tommy his best smile. “I owe you one. So what do you say? You busy later?”

“Um, no, no I am not,” Tommy smiled back, slow and warm. He rested a hand on Evan’s shoulder again, pressing slightly with his fingers. “I’m free later. How about you buy the drinks and I’ll buy dinner?”

“You’re on,” Evan rested his hand over Tommy’s. Their skin warmed, a flush creeping over both of their cheeks. “See you later.”

“See you, Evan.”

As Tommy turned to walk away, Evan shamelessly watched him leave. Then he headed into his quarters and his new life, excited for what was to come. A small, growing part of himself knew he’d found his home, his family, his place to belong. He whistled as the door closed behind him, already planning for dinner with Tommy later.