Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Once upon a time, in the deepest corners of the Wi-Fi signal where your mom’s Facebook posts meet your 2013 Roblox nostalgia, there lived two men.

One: a legend, a myth, a laggy red c00lkid, the hacker who got banned by Builderman himself, feared by 12 year olds, and who thought typing “:cmds” made them gods.

The other: the man, the myth, the murderer, Purple Guy, straight outta Fazbear’s Pizzeria and into your nightmares. a man whose crimes could fill ten Reddit iceberg charts.

One thing they both had in common, though, they were both completely monochrome and radiated enough chaotic energy to crash an entire Discord server.

The story begins on a lonely Roblox baseplate spawn point, a vast flat void, and nostalgia, a figure then spawned in, c00lkidd himself, ah yes, the Roblox hacker back in 2017, glowing like an outdated script and with cool swag.

“Y0,” he muttered, while still glitching in the game. “Who the hell sp4wned a purple PNG into my serv3r?”

From the void stepped the Purple Guy, ah yes, from the game everyone loves, where if you don’t, you’ll get jumped by 10 black men. Five Nights At Freddy's. His silhouette glowing, “Excuse me?” he said, offended. “I’m not a PNG. I’m a JPEG. Compressed. With springlocks.”

“Skill issue l0l XD,” c00lkid shot back immediately.
“I literally committed arson, you little red twink.” Purple guy hissed back.
“And I literally hacked the Roblox client with a script I found on Newgrounds,” c00lkid replied. “Get on my level, Purple Man.”

“It’s Purple Guy, say it right before I put you in a suit, kid.” He looked at c00lkidd deadpan.

“Bro… you’re like 5 nights p4st bedtime LMAO,” c00lkidd said, laughing.

The air went tense. Somewhere, distant beeping began to play. A single Windows XP error sound echoed through the void.

Just when fists were about to fly and exploit scripts were about to be executed, (TS AIN'T DANGANRONPA), both of them froze.

“W4it,” c00lkidd said slowly, his head tilting. “Hold up. We’re both… like… mon0chromatic.”
Purple Guy blinked. “And crazy evil,” he added.
“And k1nda hot in a morally ambigu0us way…” c00lkid noted.
Purple Guy stared. “Bro.”

And in that strange moment of mutual realization, history changed forever. Two men, one goal: world domination (and maybe, if time allowed, free Robux and children).

“So list3n, bro,” c00lkid began, walking in slow circles. “I run this lil’ group called Team c00lkidd. It’s reallll exclusiv3... You gotta be at le4st forty percent unhinged and 4llergic to sunlight.”
Purple Guy smirked. “Say less. I’ve been dead for years. Sunlight already nerfed me, twin.”
“B3t,” c00lkid said, sticking out his hand. “Welcome to the te4m, Cool Guy!!”
Purple Guy grinned, liking the sound of it. He tore off his suit, tossed it aside, and replaced it with a new shirt that read: “I LOVE YAOI”. “Cool Guy,” he repeated. “Yeah. That fits.”
Their first step to world domination was simple: conquer the online world.
And to do that? Well they have to defeat the gatekeepers of the internet, the 67 Kid and a Discord Mod, duh.
They tracked them down to a place called The Meme House (which really was just a copy of the Bop House) where the air smelled like literal death, and stale Mountain Dew. Inside, the 67 kid was sitting on a beanbag, screaming “SIX SEVEN!” repeatedly at Fortnite gameplay, while the Discord Mod lounged nearby, his face caked in orange Cheeto dust.

“Holy Hell,” Cool Guy muttered, “It smells like Monster and the smell of their mother's disappointment.”

“Bro got che3to dust in 4K” c00lkid said under his breath.

The Discord mod squinted at them, furious, “LISTEN UP NORMIES” he weezed, “I’LL HAVE YOU BANNED FROM MY SERVER BEFORE YOU CAN SEND ANOTHER PORN LINK.”
“Wh4t server??” c00lkid asked. “The Unpaid Mods Of Reddit on3?”

“The mod made a choking noise. “You’re just jealous of my power.” He said, laughing, though he looked like he was going to suffocate by how red his face was.

Cool Guy tilted his head. “This dude’s gonna start a manifesto if someone calls him mid.”

* The 67 Kid And A Discord Mod Appeared!

The 67 Kid's eyes glowed, and he became uncann looking, like some post on 4chan about a new Backrooms entity. He started screaming louder and louder, the air vibrating like a Windows startup jingle in hell. The lights flickered. It was like a low-budget anime fight scene that's worse than Bluelock.

“SIX SEVENNNNNNN!!!” 67 Kid yelled.
C00lkidd clutched his head. “BR0 1 C4N’T HE4R TH3 F1GHT SCEN3 MUS1C 0V3R Y0UR STUP1D NUMB3R!!!”

“Don’t worry, I got this,” Cool Guy said calmly, using “ACT”, grabbing out an old, cracked phone in the Pizzeria.

He dialed a number. “Hello, yes, police? Yeah, we got a Discord Mod here. Uh huh. He’s a danger to minors AND himself.”

“WAIT NO, I'M SORRY, SHE SAID SHE WAS 12,” He was stammering before…

CRASH!!!!!!

The SWAT team burst through the door. Cheeto dust flew into the air, painting the fight scene in bright orange chaos.
“Bro,” c00lkidd said, coughing through the haze. “That’s ins4ne.”
Cool Guy hung up the phone with style. “Nah, dude. That’s justice.”
Before they could do anything, the 67 kid screamed once again.

“SIX SEV-”

“SEX S3V3N Y0U LITTL3 R3T4RD!!” C00lkidd yelled EVEN louder, his voice echoing.

The 67 kid short circuited, his meme energy was dying. He fell to the floor like a corrupted .exe, finally defeated.

* You Won The Battle!
The room went silent except for the faint hum of a dying PC fan with Dorito dust.
Cool guy brushed the dust off his shirt. “So what now?”

C00lkidd crossed his arms. “We move to phase 2 twin…Being the only thing on the internet, we make people go crazy of how much they see us.”

“Okay, cool idea…BUT HOW?” Cool guy asked.

“We h4ck the alg0rithm…”

“TikTok?”

“No, even b1gger, everywher3!! Y0utube, T1ktok, Inst4, the Roblox fr0nt page, and maybe even R34…”

Cool guy smiles. “Oh we are SO back.”

Chapter Text

After their victory at The Meme House, C00lkid and Cool guy stood atop of the mountain of empty cans and half-eaten snacks, the air was still full of chaos, Doritos, and DESTINY!

They have done the impossible, arrested a pedo Discord mod and silenced the 67 kid, but this was only the beginning.

“So,” Cool guy said, his voice echoing like some dramatic villain edit audio you find on TikTok. “What do we go for first?”

“TikTok, we make it filled with us, like a cultural infection.”

“So basically among us in 2020”

First Target: Tiktok

C00lkidd took over the algorithm like some shitty virus online, every scroll, every wipe, every for you page.

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

C00lkidd Memes, Cool guy edits.

Audios like:

“What if I paint myself purple for Halloween this year?”
“POV: you just got banned by C00lkidd IRL”

They spread.

Every comment section was just filled with users screaming: “TEAM C00LKIDD ON TOP!!! 🔥🔥🔥:fire:” “TEAM C00LKIDD JOIN TODAY!!” “COOL GUY EDIT GOES HARD CHAT!!!! 🗣️🗣️”

Hear me out cakes filled with the two.

And when someone makes any rant posts about how they’re afraid they’re being annoying, they get doxxed, hated on, constantly living in misery, and having to deal with all sorts of mental health issues.

One poor user whispers “I can’t escape them, they’re everywhere,” Before deleting the app and moving to Pinterest, where there's already fan art of C00lkidd with the top searches being “C00lkidd pfp” “C00lkid and Cool guy R34.”

“HEY! WHO TF SEARCHED THAT!?” Cool guy yelled.

Anyway…

STEP 2: INSTAGRAM

Next was instagram, Cool guy‘s aesthetic posts filled the explore tab, Every post was purple filters covering the gore of children's remains.

Just murdered 5 people<333 #Imjustagirl  #coolguycore  #aesthetic #gore  And 1.2 million BIJILLION TRIMILLION likes.

Meanwhile, C00lkidd starts posting screenshots of games he hacked, Natural Disaster Survival, Work at a Pizza Place, with captions like:

“I have LOCKED IN CHAT, YALL ARE COOKED.”

influencers tried to resist…but no matter what they did, every post they made always had a mysterious tag under it…

#TEAMC00LKIDDJOINTODAY!

One influencer was getting mad and started a live, complaining, just for her chat to be filled with:

“COOL GUY SENT ME!!!! 🔥🔥”
“Shut up vro, L 🥀🥀🥀”
“GET BANNEDDDD”

She never posted again.

STEP 3: YOUTUBE

When they reached YouTube, it was over.

Videos started glitching,  thumbnails replaced with images of Cool Guy smirking and c00lkid holding a Roblox ban hammer.
Every trending video turned into the same 10-hour remix titled:
“COOLKIDD X COOLGUY X THE WORLD 🌍 (FULL 8K HDR AMV)”

the only search left was: “HOW TO STUFF CHILDREN INTO SUITS TUTORIAL”

The like button? Gone.

The comment section? All of them were from the same account called: “@TeamC00lkiddOfficial”

People tried to upload vlogs, tutorials, game walkthroughs, news, all got overwritten by the same clips of Cool guy getting burned alive.

Even YouTube's CEO tried to interfere, he posted a statement video, it began normally until his face started glitching, turning into purple pixels and with a distorted voice saying: “Join us,” “Join team c00lkidd.”

Within weeks, the entire internet was theirs.
Every app, every website, every feed, even porn sites.

TikTokers cried on livestreams, whispering, “I can’t scroll without seeing them.”
Twitter users posted breakdown threads titled, “Why Cool Guy is a symbol of late stage capitalism,” before realizing their tweets autocorrected to “TEAM C00LKIDD 4 LIFE.”
Trying to search for porn of your favorite characters on R34? It’s only Cool guy and C00lkidd Yaoi.

Even Google gave up.
Searching for “weather today” brought up:

COOL GUY IS THE STORM.

The world went insane.
Memes became religion.
Fanpages turned into cults.
Schools banned the internet, but kids drew “c00lkid was here” on the walls.

In a digital fortress made of old memes and code, c00lkid sat on a throne shaped like the Roblox ban button. Cool Guy stood beside him, surrounded by screens that displayed every website on Earth, all looping their faces.

“Look at them, The world’s addicted.” Cool Guy said, grinning.

“Good,” c00lkid said, typing faster than light. “They w4nted content. We gave them us, even the porn.”

“Feels good to be relevant,” Cool Guy muttered.

“Feels good t0 be everything, dude,” c00lkid corrected.

People stopped posting anything else.
No memes, no selfies, no news, only reposts of c00lkid and Cool Guy.

Corporations begged to collab. McDonald’s released the Cool Meal. Netflix dropped a show called “C00L: The Series.”

Then came the glitches.

Too many uploads. Too many TikTok reposts. The internet began to lag. Websites slowed. Servers crashed. Phones overheated.

Reality started to blur,  pixels leaking from screens into the real world. People claimed to see Cool Guy’s purple silhouette in reflections. Children said their Roblox avatars started talking back.

At 3 a.m. one night, the President tried to announce an internet shutdown. But the live feed glitched, his face replaced by c00lkid’s grin.

“Too late HAHAHAHA,” the voice said through the static. “We already are the intern3t!!!”

Then the servers started to fry.
People’s smart fridges started playing Cool Guy AMVs.

TikTok crashed first. Then YouTube. Then Google.
When people tried to refresh their browsers, all they saw was a single white page:

WELCOME TO TEAM C00LKIDD.
“Join.”

And below it, a glowing purple “Join” button.

Everyone clicked it.

There was no internet, only them.

No websites, no posts, no memes except theirs.
Just endless purple skies and distorted Roblox sound effects echoing through cyberspace.

Cool Guy leaned back on his chair made of banned accounts. “We did it. We’re the only thing left online.”

c00lkidd sipped from a digital Bloxy Cola, nodding. “Told y0u, bro. We didn’t need to hack the syst3m. We just became the Wi-Fi.”

The world outside screens began to glitch. NPCs in real life started saying “ts pmo icl”. Someone tried to say “good morning” and accidentally said “skill issue.”

A kid on the street screamed when their shadow turned purple.

Cool Guy smiled. “Feels pretty cool.”

c00lkid grinned. “Yeah, bro. Too cool.”

The digital world trembled as their laughter echoed across every device on Earth.
Your phone buzzed. A new notification popped up.

[Team c00lkidd has joined your Wi-Fi network]

Chapter Text

After becoming the only thing on the entire internet, c00lkid and Cool Guy sat upon their throne of global cyber influence. But the more they stared into their glowing screens, the more a dark realization formed in Cool Guy:

“Bro,” he said, “we conquered the internet, but not the actual world.”

c00lkid blinked. Slowly. “W4it… you’re r1ght… we’re kinda ju5t… influ3ncers.”

The horror.
The shame.
The embarrassment of being technically considered content creators.

“We need to fix this,” Cool Guy declared, rising dramatically. “We must conquer the planet.”

“And get verif1ed in real life!!” c00lkidd added. “With a littl3 blue check mark over our he4ds! :D”

The world was mostly easy pickings, except for two countries.
Two impossible, overpowered, final boss nations:

America, which had 400 million people and like 7,000 types of flavored Mountain Dew.
And North Korea, which had Kim Jong Un, who had watched one American movie once and assumed the U.S. military was made entirely out of Chris Evans clones.

Cool Guy paced the neon floor. “These are the final two. The raid bosses.”

He pulled up a map hologram

“America’s got raw power, nukes, three Fortnite streamers in the army, and a surprising amount of gun themed waffle irons.”

“And N0rth Kore4 :(?” c00lkidd asked.

Cool Guy sighed. “They have… Kim Jong Un.”

The two stared at each other in silence, the weight of that sentence settling over them.

Meanwhile…

Somewhere deep in the White House, a strange meeting was happening in the Lincoln Bedroom, now redecorated with pink LED lights and a heart shaped bed.

Kim Jong Un sat on one side, wearing heart patterned sunglasses, and those TikTok Hello Kitty pjs.
Donald Trump sat on the other, brushing his hair with a Kpop brand comb.

“Donnie,” Kim whispered lovingly, “you are the cheeseburger to my heart.”

Trump sighed dramatically. “Kimmy… nobody understands me like you do.”

Kim placed his hand on Trump’s. “Together, our nations will be unstoppable.”

Trump squeezed back. “We will make love… and make history.”

It was tender. It was emotional.
It was interrupted by ICE agents kicking down the door like a new season of Murder drones dropped.

WEEOOO WEEOOO WEEOOO

“IMMIGRATION ENFORCEMENT!” an agent yelled. “WE FOUND AN UNDOCUMENTED KIMMY!”

Kim blinked. “What.”

“This bed,” the agent explained, pointing dramatically, “is in THE UNITED STATES.”

“And???” Kim said, confused.

The agent held up a clipboard. “You overstayed your visitor boyfriend visa.”

Kim gasped. “But… but I was in love!”

“Sir,” one shouted, “KIM JONG UN, YOU ARE IN THE UNITED STATES… ILLEGALLY.”

Kim gasped. “ILLEGALLY?? I HAVE A HEART VISA BECAUSE I LOVE DONALD.”

“That’s not a thing,” the agent said, handcuffing him.

Trump clutched Kim’s hands dramatically. “NOOO, KIMMY! THEY CAN’T TAKE YOU! YOU’RE MY LITTLE NUCLEAR MUFFIN!”

Kim cried, “DONNIE, REMEMBER ME!”

But two ICE agents grabbed Kim under the arms and started dragging him out of the room as Lionel Richie played softly in the background.

“No! Donnie! Donnie, my love!” Kim cried.
“Kimmy! Come back! They don’t understand us!” Trump sobbed.

An ICE agent added quietly, “Also you can’t have foreign leaders living in the Lincoln Bedroom, sir.”

“But he’s so cute when he eats mozzarella sticks!!” Trump shouted.

Kim was hauled away toward the airport, yelling,
“I’ll come back for you, my orange honey bun!!”

Cool Guy and c00lkid were preparing their plan to conquer the U.S. and North Korea when suddenly—

BAM!
A portal opened.
A giant red “DEPORTATION NOTICE” smacked c00lkidd in the face.

“What the— bro?!”

One agent pointed at c00lkid. “HEY! YOU! RED GUY!”

“Br0 what,” c00lkid said, offended. “I’m not even from a country. I’m from ROBLOX.”

“Too red…suspicious…” the ice agent said.

“That’s— TH4T’S N0T 3V3N 4 R3AS0N!!”
“Looks pretty suspicious to me,” the agent said. “Could be communist. Could be a tomato. Could be anything.”

Cool Guy watched in betrayal as they grabbed c00lkid.

“No! You can’t take him!” Cool Guy yelled.

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN—”

Before he could finish, three ICE agents tackled him like he owed them Robux.

Cool Guy tried to intervene. “HEY! LET HIM GO! HE—”

Cool Guy panicked. “Wait— NONONONO—”

They dragged c00lkid away as red pixels scattered behind him.

c00lkidd, meanwhile, got thrown into the ICE van…
right next to Kim Jong Un, who was sobbing dramatically.

Kim sniffled. “They took me from Donnie… he was my Big Mac soulmate…”

c00lkid blinked. “Br0 I literally just got arrested for b3ing red.”

Kim wiped his tears. “At least you have your dignity.”

“No,” c00lkid said. “They took th4t too.”

The ICE van sped away, leaving Cool Guy alone on the sidewalk.

Cool Guy was left alone.
Silent.
Traumatized.

Cool Guy dropped to his knees. Pixels fell from his eyes like digital tears.

“What do I do now…” he whispered.

Suddenly, his computer beeped.
A news alert popped up:

BREAKING: KIM JONG UN DEPORTED. IS CURRENTLY AT SAME SECRET FACILITY AS ‘MYSTERIOUS RED BLOCKY MAN.’

Cool Guy’s eyes widened.

Kim Jong Un…
and c00lkid…
were now in the same place.

Cool Guy materialized inside the White House garden, breathing heavily.

“Okay,” he muttered, pacing. “Okay okay okay. My best friend just got deported for being red. North Korea’s leader got deported for being in love. America is unhinged. The world is unhinged. I—”

He looked up at the sky.

“I need a plan.”

He clenched his fists.

“I’m getting them back,” he whispered. “Even if I have to hack the entire planet.”

His eyes glowed purple like he was in fucking blue lock.

Chapter Text

Cool Guy sat alone in his underground gamer-bunker, illuminated only by the glow of three monitors and an RGB keyboard set permanently to “violent rainbow seizure.”
He stared at the screen, fists clenched.

They took him.
ICE took C00lkidd.
For being red.

Cool Guy whispered, voice trembling:
“Bro… they can’t just deport a color.”

He opened a dusty laptop labeled “HACKING FOR DUMMIES (C00LKIDD EDITION)” and slapped it on the desk. When he opened it, it booted straight into a command line that said:

WHAT DO U WANT 2 RUIN TODAY?? :D

Cool Guy exhaled.
“Time to hack up.”

He typed:

FIND MY BOY

The laptop creamed (no, not screamed). Lines of code flew by at light speed. Spotify randomly opened and blasted “Once we get up there.” One monitor caught on fire.

Then a final line appeared:

LOCATION FOUND: SUPER ILLEGAL GOVERNMENT ICE MEGA FACILITY, NEVADA.

Cool Guy cracked his knuckles.
“That’s like… three hours away. Bet.”

Meanwhile...

C00lkidd sat in a metal cell wearing a prison jumpsuit that struggled to contain his red glow. He judged the fluorescent lights and their endless humming noise harshly.

“Bro th3se lights make me look like 4 tomato,” he muttered.

In the next cell, Kim Jong Un sniffled dramatically.
“I miss Donnie…”
His tears glistened as he clutched a half-eaten Big Mac like a locket.

Trump, outside the cell across from him, pressed his hands against the bars.
“Kimmy, I’m right here. ICE can deport our bodies… but not our hearts.”

“Donnie… your words are like a warm McDouble on a cold day…”

They both sighed romantically while patriotic bald eagles cried in the distance.

C00lkidd gagged loudly.
“Can y’all keep it PG-13? I’m trying to th1nk of ways to escape.”

Trump turned to him, offended.
“We are expressing American freedom.”

Kim nodded seriously.
“Yes. This is cultural.”

C00lkidd facepalmed.

A vent cover popped off the ceiling and Cool Guy dropped down like Batman if Batman drank four Monster Energies and children's blood beforehand.

“DUDE,” C00lkidd yelled, eyes glowing. “Y0U CAME.”

“Obviously,” Cool Guy said, brushing dust off himself. “I just googled ‘how to break into ICE.’ There were YouTube tutorials.”

“How’d you get past the guards?” Trump asked, impressed.

Cool Guy grinned.
“I told them I was delivering their DoorDash order.”

Kim gasped. “What did you say was in the order?”

Cool Guy: “Thirty iced coffees and a dozen mozzarella stick.”

Kim nodded. “Reasonable.”

C00lkidd pointed at the security door. “Okay, gen1us, now how are we leaving? The doors lock3d.”

Cool Guy smirked and pulled out a USB.

Not just any USB.
The USB.
The one C00lkid taught him how to use.
The one labeled:

“HACK ANYTHING (pls don’t use on microwaves again)”

Cool Guy stabbed it into the control panel.

The entire building creamed again. Alarms glitched into playing Minecraft music. All the doors unlocked at once. Every ICE agent suddenly became logged out of their payroll system.

The doors to their cells burst open.

C00lkidd yelled “BRO. LEGEND.”

Kim grabbed Trump’s hand as they reunited, crying in slow motion like a K-drama except with worse haircuts.

“Donnie…”
“Kimmy…”
They ran to each other.

Then immediately started making out like some porn on Ao3.

C00lkidd covered his eyes “Ew,” not caring about their feelings.
Cool Guy looked politely at the ceiling.

Trump paused just long enough to say, breathlessly,
“You boys go ahead… we’ll catch up…”

They went right back to aggressively smooching.

Cool Guy grabbed C00lkid’s wrist. “Bro, we gotta dip before they finish… whatever that is.”

C00lkidd nodded. “Right… I don’t w4nt that burned into my GPU.”

They sprinted down the hallway toward the exit—
—while Kim and Trump stayed behind in their dramatic reunion, hands clasped, flags waving somewhere in the distance.

Cool Guy and C00lkidd burst outside under the desert sun.

“Th4t was to0o easy,” C00lkidd panted.

“…Yeah,” Cool Guy said slowly. “Almost like the plot needed us to escape for the next part.”

They clapped hands.

“WORLD DOMINATI0N T1ME?” C00lkid asked.

“WORLD DOMINATION TIME,” Cool Guy confirmed.

Behind them, Trump and Kim finally stepped outside, still tangled together like two otters holding hands.

Trump wiped a tear.
“Kimmy… promise me we’ll never let politics tear us apart again.”

Kim held his cheeks.
“Donnie… I would defect anywhere for you.”

They leaned in.

They kissed.

It was dramatic.
Romantic.
Weirdly wet.

And then,

C00lkidd tossed a suspiciously large bomb over his shoulder.

Cool Guy pressed the remote detonator.

click

A gigantic KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM rang across the desert like God slapping a frying pan.

The explosion vaporized:

Trump, Kim Jong Un, the entire ICE facility, North Korea (don’t ask how or why), about 70% of America, one unlucky cactus...

Cool Guy and C00lkidd walked away in slow motion, sunglasses on, not looking back like action heroes who just committed several war crimes.

C00lkidd smiled, “O0ops.”
Cool Guy gritted his teeth. “They’ll be fine.”
“They explod3d.”
“Yeah but like… emotionally they’re fine.”

With their biggest threats gone, Cool Guy and C00lkidd climbed atop a massive pile of servers, routers, and the last remaining working McDonald’s ice cream machine.

C00lkid shouted to the world:

“BOW T0 U5, R3T4RDS!”

Cool Guy raised a flag made of children's remains and Roblox codes.

Every phone vibrated.
Every computer rebooted.
Every fridge with WiFi turned on.

A message appeared:

NEW RULERS DETECTED!! PLEASE BOW.
(or press “ESC” to ignore. ESC does nothing.)

The world collectively knelt.

The internet had new overlords.
No, the world did.

C00lkidd and Cool Guy.
The red menace and the blue (wait don’t you mean purple??) genius.
Rulers of Earth.
Destroyers of nations.

They fist-bumped as fireworks exploded behind them.

The world trembled.

And submitted.