Chapter Text
“He wouldn’t even talk about it?” Ana gazed through the camera, looking concerned. Eddie looked down at the table, sighing.
“Total meltdown. I’m letting him cool off before I try and talk to him again.”
Ana bit her lip, “Maybe this is all too fast.”
“What do you mean? Us?”
“Christopher’s been through so much. I don’t want to cause him any more pain.”
Eddie stared at his computer screen for a second, Ana’s words from the other night echoing in his head. “Christopher’s a very sensitive boy.” Eddie knew she wasn’t wrong, not entirely, but. . . she wasn’t right, either. He felt things, deeply, but Eddie had seen him some through better for it every single time. The strongest, most resilient kid Eddie had ever met.
“If we need to take a break, I’ll understand,” she said, looking sincere, but not particularly happy with the idea. Eddie sat up, at her words, a frown on his face.
“Wait, no, that’s not-”
Eddie’s head shot up as he heard the sound of the front door shutting, louder than it usually seemed.
“Hold on,” he glanced towards Ana before fixing his eyes on the doorway, hands on the table ready to push himself up quickly if need be.
“Christopher?” he called out, concern seeping through his voice.
There was a moment’s silence before a familiar figure appeared in the doorway. “Um, no, it’s me actually.
"Buck?" Eddie frowned up at his best friend, confusion filling his face. He pulled the AirPods from his ear, ignoring the question that had begun falling from Ana's lips. "What are you doing here?"
Buck looked sheepish, almost nervous as he stepped further into the dining room, hands stuffed in his jeans pockets.
"Christopher called me."
Eddie blinked. "What?"
"He called me, Eddie. Like 20 minutes ago," there was a hard inflection in Buck's voice, and his previously sheepish look turned almost stony.
"How-" Eddie glanced to the landline phone, still hooked to it's charger, then reached down to his pocket where his cell phone-
Wasn't there.
His pocket was empty. Without much thought other than "where's my phone" , Eddie was quick to shut his laptop, looking around the dining room table for his phone, heart picking up speed. He could have sworn it was in his pocket- No, he'd taken it out when he and Chris went to make dinner and now. . . it wasn't there.
"He took my phone?" Eddie asked meekly. Buck gave a single nod.
"I thought it was you when I answered but then Christopher started talking. Crying, actually. Fuck, man, I thought maybe you got hurt or-" Buck sighed, a harsh sound, and shook his head.
His best friend was pissed at him, Eddie could tell. He wasn't entirely sure why. He didn't even know what to say, he was just sitting at the table, feeling stunned and a little frantic, still glancing around the table like he'd find his cell just sitting there.
"He took my phone and called you?" Eddie knew Christopher was upset with him, that his son needed time and space to cool off. Eddie had planned to wrap up his call with Ana now- he supposed he had, really, when he'd suddenly slammed the laptop shut on her- and then go talk to him.
Buck frowned, "You're lucky he didn't do worse."
"What?"
Buck sighed again.
"No, Buck, what are you talking about?"
Buck opened his mouth, then shut it again as he schooled his features into calmer, more collected. Eddie knew he looked the opposite; his heart rate was sped up, his hands felt fidgety, and he was sure the color had drained from his face with the realization that his nine year old had taken his cell phone from him without Eddie even noticing.
"Look, man- we'll talk about this later, okay? Right now, I'm going to talk to Chris."
Eddie was helpless to do more than nod his head at Buck, watching as his best friend spun on his heel towards the hallway housing Christopher's bedroom. He was barely comprehending what was happening, only snapping his eyes away from the spot Buck had just vacated when he heard the sound of his son’s door opening and shutting. Eddie let out a deep breath, running his hands through his hair.
Eddie didn't go back to his Skype call, didn't text Ana to apologize for the abrupt ending. He barely even remembered that he probably should. He just moved into the living room, pacing back and forth behind the couch. The grave look on Buck's face and his words echoed in Eddie's head.
"You're lucky he didn't do worse."
What was that supposed to mean? What had Chris said when he called Buck? God, he'd called Buck . His nine year old, his baby, had stolen his phone and called Buck. And Eddie hadn't even noticed. How the hell could he not have noticed? He knew he wasn't the best father, he knew that. But over the years, he'd become so attuned to Christopher. He was that parent who always knew where his son was, what he needed before he could ask, how to handle every unexpected outburst thrown his way. You could play Eddie 50 different sounds at once, ranging from heavy metal rock music to the sound of a pin dropping and he'd still be able to pick out the sound of Christopher's crutches.
How the fuck did this even happen? How could he have not noticed? How did he get so caught up in his own shit that he'd been so blindsided by Christopher's reaction?
Christopher was so upset with him that his son didn't even want to talk to him. He wanted to talk to Buck. Eddie couldn't be upset with that, not really. Buck was exactly the person Eddie wanted to talk to when he was upset, too. For someone who always joked he didn't have his life together, the man was superb at giving advice, reassurance, or just listening. A single touch from Buck, or a smile sent his way, was enough to make Eddie feel better. Eddie couldn’t be upset that Christopher had wanted to talk to him; Buck was his rock. He just couldn't stop the ache that maybe somewhere down the road, Eddie had stopped being Christopher's. That his son had stopped talking to him about what he was feeling.
Eddie ran his hands over his face, straining to focus on the sounds coming from the hall. He couldn't hear Christopher; his son's voice had always been soft spoken, especially when he was tired and upset. But Eddie could hear the murmur of Buck's low voice drifting out of his son's room, and even though he couldn't understand the words, he could just make out the comforting, almost sad tone of his best friend's voice.
He wasn’t sure how long he paced there until he heard Christopher’s door open, Buck coming out into the living room with wet eyes. Eddie looked at him, raking his eyes over him with concern before glancing down the hallway to see if Christopher had followed him out.
“I, uh, I got Chris set up with his tablet and some Minecraft video on YouTube. He still needs some time to cool off, so I told him I’d come talk to you and then send you in.”
Eddie doesn’t miss just how much like a parent Buck sounds in that moment, but he doesn’t comment on it, just nodding his head. Buck nodded his head towards the couch in front of Eddie, who gave in easily to the suggestion and sat down. Buck took the other end, more space between them than Eddie was used to. It was clear neither of them knew how to start this conversation. After a few minutes of awkward, heavy silence, Buck spoke up.
“He told me he blew up at you, about you dating again.”
Eddie nodded his head, looking down at his hands. “Yeah, he was- it’s been a long time since he’s had a meltdown like that. He broke that stupid salad bowl my sister gave me- that super heavy one? I think there’s probably still vegetables on the kitchen floor.”
“Yeah, well. . .” Buck trailed off with a huff, and it was clear to Eddie that Buck was upset with him.
“What did you mean? Earlier? When you said I was lucky Chris didn’t do worse than call you?”
Buck pursed his lips, glaring at the couch cushions. “He called me because he couldn’t figure out how to use the Uber app on your phone. He was gonna order a car to my apartment.”
Eddie’s blood ran cold at that thought. He hadn’t even realized that Christopher had taken his phone- If Chris had been able to order the car, he might not have even realized that Christopher had left the house. Imagining his nine year old getting into some stranger’s car at night, trying to get away from him, was enough to make Eddie want to cry. Elbows on his knees, Eddie dropped his head into his hands.
"God, I'm such an idiot," Eddie let out, the sound muffled into his hands.
"You're not," Buck replied instantly, like a reflex. "You're just. . ."
Eddie didn't say anything, didn't lift his head back up as Buck trailed off.
After a moment or two, Buck spoke again, voice harder and more sure. "No, you're right. You're an idiot."
Eddie let out a harsh laugh, out of surprise more than anything.
"God, Eddie, I mean- what were you even thinking? Telling Chris you have a girlfriend?"
Eddie did look up at that, fixing his best friend with a glare. "I don't lie to my kid, Buck. He kept asking where I was going, so-"
"You didn't have to tell him! What good did that do, huh? Now you've just got a pissed off, sad kid and-"
"So you're saying I should have lied to him? To Christopher?"
"Yes!" Buck burst out, running his hand through his hair harshly. "I'm all for treating Chris like an equal, you know that, but in this case- telling him you've been dating this woman he doesn't know-"
"She was his teacher!"
"That is not the same thing as being your girlfriend and you know it."
The words stung deep, and Eddie stood up from the couch, turning away from Buck. He glared at the floor, crossing his arms over his chest. He’d been repeating to himself over and over again that Chris would love Ana. She’d been his favorite teacher. Christopher would like seeing her again, would like having her around. They would get along now, just like they had at school. He kept repeating it to himself, ignoring any doubt that could seep in. To have Buck just outright say what Eddie had been trying to block out- that maybe Chris wouldn’t be as comfortable with Ana as Eddie hoped- causes a pang in his chest that Eddie isn’t willing to explore any further.
"You don't get to tell me how to parent my son, Buck," he meant it to be a jab, meant to let his anger fill it out, but instead his voice came out quiet, hurt sounding.
"I do when he calls me at 8:30 at night, crying because he's terrified of losing more people."
Eddie sucked in a breath, turning back around. His limbs felt heavy, his eyes stinging as he looked at Buck. Just like himself, the fight seemed to have left his best friend, and he was gazing up at Eddie with a sad look on his face.
"He said that?"
Buck took a deep breath, then nodded. "It's a pandemic, Eddie. He pretty much hasn't seen anyone but you and me in months. It's been you, me, and sometimes the Wilsons. He misses Carla, he misses Isabel and Pepa, and he misses his friends. Christopher understands a lot, Eddie, but right now he's just a nine year old kid who doesn't know why he can't see the people he loves. He's not worried about you dating, not really- he just doesn't want you to bring in a new person just to watch them leave him later. I had to reassure him that I wasn’t going anywhere, Eddie, and I’m here all the fucking time. Christopher is scared, Eddie."
If that doesn't just break Eddie's heart. He lets out a meek, hurt sounding whine, collapsing back onto the couch next to Buck. His best friend doesn't say anything, just sits there quietly, watching Eddie. The anger he'd look at Eddie with earlier- when he'd first gotten to the house and just minutes earlier when yelling at him- has evaporated. He looked like he wanted to reach out and wrap Eddie in a hug. If he tried it, Eddie knew he wouldn’t stop him. Shrinking himself into the comfort of Buck’s warm, sunshine-y hugs sounded fantastic right now. But Buck didn’t reach out, and Eddie didn’t move in. Instead he just stared blankly at the wall behind the television.
“What the hell am I gonna do?” he whispers out, knowing that despite his low volume, Buck will have heard it anyway.
Buck takes a deep breath. “Look, I’m not telling you to break up with Ana or anything like that. I know you like her.”
Eddie frowns at Buck’s words; there’s a strange, underlying. . . something to his tone that doesn’t sit quite right.
“But, man, you have to take this slow. Christopher knows you have a girlfriend now, you can’t back out from that, but you don’t have to- Don’t do something dumb like try to introduce them or something. Not yet.”
Eddie felt his face flush at that. He hadn’t been planning on doing that, not yet, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been thinking about it. He liked Ana, a lot. She was picture perfect; a teacher who was great with kids, funny, kind, smart, and a gorgeous Latina. She was so many things Eddie’s parents had always complained that Shannon wasn’t. Ana would be the perfect girl to take home to them, to see approval shine in their eyes. In his mind’s eye, Eddie could picture his father talking with Ana in rapid Spanish, could see her and his mother lounging on the porch with wine glasses in their hands as they laughed. Ana was everything he and Christopher could want, wasn’t she?
Right?
“He’s scared of losing someone else, so if you’re not completely serious about this, if you don’t know if Ana is gonna be around for a long time, then you can’t do that to him,” Buck continued, as if he could pick Eddie’s insecurities straight from his mind. “If nothing else, there’s still a pandemic. And we’ve kept Chris’ bubble real fucking small, Eddie.”
Eddie turned his gaze on Buck, who was watching him with a calculating, soft look in his eyes. Eddie felt like he’d spent the entire night not knowing what to say, and now wasn’t any different. Buck had come in tonight not for Eddie, not for himself, but entirely for Christopher. The only other person in their lives that Eddie knew was just as in tune with Christopher’s wants and needs as he was. Right now, he might be even more so.
Eddie hated himself for it, but the pandemic hadn’t even properly crossed his mind when it came to Ana. He’s been so careful with Christopher. It had taken him almost four months to even feel comfortable stepping foot into his own house, terrified that he’d pick something up at work and pass it onto Christopher. It had taken even longer before he let Buck come over to see Christopher, too. And that had been it. The two of them were the only people who had properly seen Christopher since the initial lockdown. There had been a brief time that Chris had stayed with Isabel, but she wasn’t at an age where she could properly care for a nine year old boy with cerebral palsy for any length of time. Christopher’s interactions with Isabel, Pepa, and Carla had all been limited to Skype sessions and phone calls. The thought of introducing Christopher to Ana- who’s school had gone back to in-person classes last month- sounded like a disaster waiting to happen.
“Thank you,” Eddie mumbled out.
Buck frowned, “Huh?”
“For being here for Chris all the time. And for me. You- I know you do a lot for us, Buck. Christopher especially. And you’re right. I haven’t been- I haven’t been thinking this through. I have no clue what I’m doing here. I haven’t dated anyone since Shannon, and I don’t know how to be a dad and how to date someone.”
Buck’s lips were pursed, ever so slightly that if Eddie couldn’t read Buck’s expressions like his favorite book, he never would have noticed it. He looked away from Eddie, staring at his lap.
“You’ll figure it out,” Buck said quietly, though his tone wasn’t as reassuring. “I should, uh, I should go. It’s been a long evening.”
Eddie felt like he’d gotten whiplash with how quickly Buck had stood up from the couch, his entire demeanor switching to looking out of place in the house. Eddie frowned, trying to figure out what in the past few seconds had hit a wrong chord with his best friend. Without even waiting for a response from Eddie, Buck began moving back towards the door. That kicked Eddie into gear, causing him to launch himself up off the couch in hopes of stopping Buck’s sudden departure.
“Hey, Buck, wait-”
Buck stopped with his hand on the doorknob, looking back at Eddie. He looked almost sad, and Eddie felt a surge of concern, wanting to do anything to get that look off his face.
“Are you okay?”
Buck smiled softly at him, glancing down. “Yeah, man, I’m fine. Just a long day.”
It was then that Eddie remembered Buck mentioning something about Albert, dinner, and how awkward it would be. “Do you want to talk about it? I got that beer you like.”
Eddie wasn’t sure why he was suddenly so desperate for Buck to stay. But the other firefighter shook his head, opening the door.
“Nah, it’s okay. You should go talk to Christopher. I’ll, uh, I’ll tell you about it tomorrow. I’m sure Albert told Chim and he’ll ask about it at work anyway.”
Eddie didn’t know what else to do but nod, watching as Buck walked out the front door without saying goodbye. The sight stuck with Eddie like a pain in his side as he turned, making his way down the hallway, knocking on his son’s door.