Chapter Text
His eyes fell shut at the feeling of the breeze on his face, his hands pushed into the sand beneath him as he listened to the sounds of the waves hitting against the pier. He had nearly died in this ocean.. countless people did. He had lost Christopher in this ocean. No matter how many times people told him he saved Chris he would never believe it, he may have kept him safe for some time but he lost him. He lost him to the waves. The fire engine they sat upon had shook and when he turned the boy had already crashed through the surface of that water and been dragged away by the harsh currents. He crashed through the surface next, some would have called that move suicide. But he needed to find Chris. He continued to stare at the waves as the sun set that was pushing the golden glow across the water and illuminating the sky with beautiful pinks and purples. It was a beautiful sunset.. it was a nice time to die. He had nothing to be here for anyway. He had ruined everything he had, he was good at that. It was one skill he knew he had, at least his parents would be grateful he finally found something to be good at.Maybe even proud of him for a change.
When he found himself face pushed against the asphalt and the 13 tonne Weight pressing down on top of his leg his world had ended. He just didn't know it yet. After months of torturous Physical therapy that pushed him to every limit and then months of pushing himself further through his training and the fire recertification test on top of that where he had beat the record just to prove to everyone that he was capable of being a firefighter, that he wasn't a failure or a wash out. He ignored all the warning signs from his body that were telling him to quit. Then he threw a clot at Bobby and Athenas. He didn't even remember the blood spilling from his lips, collapsing to the floor as he lost the ability to breathe, the metallic taste was just lost against his lips. By then he was already almost gone. Key word, almost. It seemed that as most things in life he wasn't good at committing. He had been close to death so many times but somehow he escaped it. The reckless acts as a kid that had him in the ER more times than he could count. The date with Abby that led to an emergency tracheostomy due to a piece of bread. The explosion. The Pulmonary embolism. The Tsunami. He shouldn't even be breathing anymore. Why did he matter so much to still be here? Thousands of people died that day. Kids. Parents. People who mattered. Why was he still there?
A sigh fell from his lips as he lifted his hand from the sand and picked up his phone. His lock screen background was a picture of him and Chris, both of them grinning, he could almost hear Christopher's laughter from the image. He wished he could at least say a final goodbye to him. Hear his voice one more time. That kid was his son in every way except for blood. His phone had no notifications. He didn't expect it to. Not after what he had done. He had betrayed them all, his family. The closest thing he had ever gotten to a group that truly cared about him. He hurt them all. He ruined everything.
That damned lawsuit. In a way he couldn't be blamed for his actions, he was in a vulnerable state, he was hurt, he felt like he had been stabbed in the back by the man he looked up to as a father. When he was told that Bobby was the reason he couldn't return, the guttural pain he felt in that moment was unbearable. So when the lawyer offered a solution, a solution that could lead him back to the station, in desperation he took it. That's all he wanted. He wanted his family back. But then it all went wrong, the lawyer twisted his words, turned them into daggers and hurt his family and he had betrayed them all. He won the lawsuit, sure, but it didn't mean anything. Because now they hated him. Eddie had called him exhausting. Buck had to agree with him on that one..
He looked down at his phone screen through the blur of tears and he tried to blink them away. He swiped up and typed in his pass code to his phone before opening his contacts. No one had been answering his calls or messages. He didn't blame them. But at least this way he could say he tried to say his last goodbyes.The call log was filled with declined calls, he had given up on communicating about a week before. He took in a deep breath through his nose before pressing Bobby's contact. He listened to the ringing in silence before reaching Bobby's voice mail 'This is Bobby, sorry I missed ya, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can'
Buck couldn't help but breathe a laugh at that but when the beep indicated he could speak he took another shaky breath as he stared straight ahead "Hi Bobby.. i-im sorry for calling, again.. I just.. I wanted you to hear me say this y'know? I'm sorry, for everything.. I'm sorry I ruined it all.. I'm sorry I hurt you I just.. uhm... Thank you for everything.. I mean it, you.. you were like a father figure to me and uh.. I couldn't have asked for a better captain.. so.. yeah.." he then clicked the end call button, praying that he wouldn't listen to it any time soon, not that it mattered. He'd be gone soon.
He shifted slightly as his feet started to go numb from how long he'd been sitting there, still against the cold evening breeze. He’d actually lost track of the hours that had passed, he was there well before sunset and now all that was left of the sun was a golden sliver against the coastline. The pill bottles in his pockets rattled with the movement. He then clicked the next contact, Hen. Once again he listened to the ringing, then the voicemail 'you've reached Hen, leave me a message' Hen had been the rock keeping him grounded through this all, she was the only one who didn't follow Bobby's lead and at least treated him like a human yet he knew deep down she was hurt. Deep down she was bound to hate him too.
"Hey Hen.." he started, rubbing his eyes lightly, trying to ignore the knot in his throat and the pressure in his head as he fought against the build up of tears. "Just shooting a small message to say I'm sorry for everything, say hi to Denny from me, I miss the little man. And tell Karen I said hi too... but yeah, uh, I just wanted you to hear that.. that I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to go this far.. uhm.. anyway, goodbye.." he clicked the end call button again and took a deep shaky breath. This was exhausting. He was exhausting. He wanted to get it over with but he needed to at least say goodbye. Maybe if they got these voicemails they'd go to the loft and though they wouldn't find him there they'd find the notes, all folded up and placed in little envelopes reading out each person's name. He had one for everyone. Bobby. Hen. Chimney. Maddie. Athena. Carla. Chris. May. Harry. Eddie... Eddie most certainly had the bulkiest envelope.
He repeated the cycle with both Chimney and Athena, apologising for all the pain that he caused and letting them know how thankful he was to have them in his life. He then stared at Maddies contact. This was going to be one of the hardest ones because it was likely there would actually be a voice on the other line. So he phoned. It rang. And again. And then "Buck?"
"Hey Mads"
"Hey, what's going on? It's pretty late"
"Nothing just, uh.. just missing you, wanted to hear your voice"
"Ev.. are you okay?"
He tried to hide the sniffles and fight against the strain in his voice due to his battle against crying "yeah I'm okay.. I love you Maddie, say hi to Chim for me.. I'll uh... I'll let you get on with your night"
"No wait Buck-" click...
He'd feel guilty for hanging up on her but he couldn't stay on that call any longer. Silent tears fell down his cheeks as he stared blankly at the ocean. The ocean that had almost taken his life that tonight he would guarantee it would. And maybe he'd sink to the ocean floor and he wouldn't be found and his family could think he just ran away.. His mind wandered off for a bit, thinking about his struggles that seemed oh so insignificant now.
The way his clothes started to drown him after his weight loss didn't matter now, the way he forced himself to take small bites of his food around the waves of nausea every time he tried to eat. The letter after letter notifying him of more medical bills to pay, he wondered what would happen with that now. If he was gone surely the charges would just be dropped then? He didn't know.. it didn't matter.. he'd be dead he didn't have to deal with it anymore. He just had to make the final call. And then it could happen. Then he could finally go. He drew in a breath and held it as his shaking thumb hovered over the call button on Eddie's contact. He closed his eyes and pressed it. He listened to the ringing and then click. Eddie declined, "shit.." he sighed shakily, staring at it before phoning again, "please don't pick up man.. please.."
Ring...
Ring..
"What is it?"
Shit...
"uh- oh.. s-shit.. wrong contact uhmm.. sorry"
"Wrong contact? Twice? Buck, spit it out."
"I.. uh.. I just wanted to say I'm sorry Ed-Eddie. I'm sorry for everything.. for hurting you. F-for hurting chris"
A sigh was heard from the other line "yeah okay.. is that all?"
"Thank you for being my partner and always having my back"
Alarm bells started ringing in Eddie's head "buck-" the call went dead.
Buck put his phone on ‘do not disturb’ so that he could have his final moments in some sort of peace. He looked up at the sky, stars now making their appearance and the ghost of a smile haunted the edges of his lips as he sat with blank, tired eyes.
His shaking hands reached into his pockets and lifted out the bright orange bottles, he traced his fingers across the labels of the bottles. Both of them were opioids he'd been prescribed after the explosion. He was meant to discard them but kept them.. just in case. Maybe that was a crime, he didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He flicked open the cap and downed the bottle, groaning lightly at the taste, casting the bottle aside, feeling guilty for littering. But at least that was something. He did the same with the next bottle, he then rose to his feet, leaving his phone and the two bottles on the sand as he walked towards the water. He hummed at the refreshing feeling of the water against his feet then he went further, his jeans starting to stick to his skin as he reached knee depth, he kept walking, now it was at his hips and his teeth started to clatter in the cold. He continued until he could no longer reach the bottom, he turned to face the pier and the lights of the city, he listened to the sounds of cars driving by for the last time and smiled one last time at the lights as the effect of all the pills he had taken rose up, his face starting to heat up and he started feeling sick, his pupils were utterly blown. He dunked his head underwater and listened to the silence. It wasn't that much longer until his chest heaved and ached needing oxygen but his eyes rolled back and he started to convulse under the water due to the effect of the pills and his body took an instinctive breath in through his nose filling his lungs with water as his body slowly sank.
*******
It wasn't much longer after buck had left the voicemail that Bobby checked his phone he saw the missed call and sighed but a feeling in the pit of his stomach told him not to ignore this, so he dialled the number into his phone to listen to the voicemail. He felt his stomach churn at the broken sound of Buck's voice on the other line. He felt sick as he listened to the words and the severity of the situation sunk in. How could he have not noticed how bad things had gotten? He grabbed hold of his keys and rushed to the door without another word. As soon as he opened the door he was met with Eddie, staring wide eyed and panicking "Bobby its buck-"
"Yeah I know he left a voicemail-"
Eddie cut him off, handing him the stack of envelopes he had gotten from Bucks loft and Bobby nearly collapsed then and there
"Buck?"
Eddie shook his head "I went by the loft and he wasn't there... I.. I don't know where he would be.. and if by the time we find that place it would be too late. Or if it's already too late.."
******
"Chim!?" Maddie called from her spot on the couch, panic and desperation clinging to her voice as she pushed herself up and rushed to the bedroom, finding Chimney sitting teary eyed with his phone against his ear as Bucks voice rang from the other line, he made eye contact with Maddie and their eyes said a thousand words. They'd gotten the same message. Maddies eyes filled with tears as she grabbed hold of her car keys "let's go." She spoke without a moment's hesitation as Chims phone began to ring. He quickly answered and Hens voice could be heard over the line, usually strong, sensible, and calm she sounded frantic
"I- Buck.. he sent me a voicemail. Chim I think he.. oh god I think he's going to-'
"I got it too. So did Maddie. We're gonna go to the loft."
"No- Eddie's already been. He's not there. Eddie found envelopes with all our names.."
Chimney felt his heart sink as a tear rolled down his cheek. Maddie heard this and stood in shock for a moment as she tried to place herself in her brother's shoes "the pier. Everyone meet at the pier." She spoke before rushing out. Hen uttered a quick 'okay' and cut the call. Chim followed Maddie, his heart drumming in his chest as he tried to prepare himself for what they might encounter when they got there.
Hen had made a call to Eddie and the whole crew was by the pier in no time, they split up, Chimney and Hen split off along the pier to ask any bystanders if they'd seen anything, Maddie and Eddie walked side by side along one side of the beach while Bobby and Athena took the other. Desperation clung to Hens' voice as she asked if anyone had seen a man standing at near 6 foot with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, describing the birthmark above his eye, with every solemn shake of the head or soft spoken no and muttered apology she felt her heart sink deeper and deeper. They had done this to him, they had isolated him and cast him aside and now he was gone. Their Buck. He was such a ray of sunshine. She couldn't help the tears that brimmed in her eyes, stinging and begging to be let out but she swallowed them down and kept going.
Eddie trudged through the sand through the nightfall listening to the waves crash against the shore line, his usually steady hands trembling, his chest tight and his throat stinging with the force he was holding back tears. He had walked through active gunfire in a calmer state than this. Guilt. Guilt was filling him, suffocating him, it was the weight pushing down on his chest and crawling up his throat and stabbing the back of his eyes. His own words filled his head hearing them clear as day as if he was back at that grocery wore with the team
'You're exhausting!' 'We all have our own problems but do you hear us whining'
If he had kept his big mouth shut Buck would still be here.
"He's not dead Eddie." Maddie spoke, her voice determined, her face stoic, as if trying to convince herself of the same words she just spoke. Eddie returned her words with a simple nod, he couldn't trust his voice not to shake and crumble the second they left his lips.
Athena was driven, in full work mode. She pushed the personal connection aside and kept walking through the sand, the waves sounded too peaceful for a moment like this, the whole world should be breaking apart because.. because Buck was a pure soul, he was full of life.. she was livid, Bobby had filled her in on how the 118 had been treating Buck and where she could understand that they were reasonably upset with the man they had no right to treat him the way they were but she didn't have time for lectures and she was sure she wouldn't need to let them out as this experience would be quite enough. Bobby was silent as he walked beside her, looking for any sign of Buck, he then heard something crunch beneath his feet and glanced down, removing his foot from the bright orange pill bottle and his heart shattered as he kneeled down, recognising the phone that sat beside the two orange bottles. He lifted one of them up and read the label and couldn't help the quiet sob that left his lips
'Evan Buckley'
Athena straightened up and looked around then towards the ocean, she cast her jacket aside, kicked off her shoes and ran into the water without so much as a second thought, that man was like a son to her. He was another one of her babies and she couldn't do this again, this was all too familiar, damn pills, she couldn't look at those stupid obnoxiously bright orange bottles, she felt like they were tauntingly screaming at her each time she entered a room that had them within. Bobby didn't waste a second to phone up Maddie letting her know where they were and what they found, he then notified Hen before jumping into the water after Athena.
This was not as peaceful as he had pictured it, his whole body hurt, he was conscious, just barely, his lungs begged for oxygen but he was drowning, it wouldn't be all that much longer till his body fully shut down. Despite being surrounded by water it felt like there was fire coursing through his veins, burning every inch of his body. He wanted to go back, he'd made a mistake, he wanted to go back but he couldn't move, everything started to go fuzzy, feeling the static sensation of pins and needles crawl from his fingertips further up his arms, the same following from his toes further up his leg but just as his vision faded to black he felt a pair of strong hands hoisting him upwards from under his arms. Was this what dying felt like? Was he truly gone?
Panic. That was the only feeling anyone in the group was presenting. Maddie gasped and covered her mouth at the sight, Eddie's jaw clenched, Chimney's shoulders went tense, Hens Eyebrows drew together in concern as Athena and Bobby dragged the limp body towards the shore, laying him down on the sand. Without missing a beat Hen and Chimney were on their knees as Maddie lifted her phone and called 911. "No pulse." Chimney stated as if this were just a normal call and someone he called a brother wasn't lying cold and dead beneath him "starting compressions." Hen stated and placed one palm over the other, pushing the heel of her hand directly in the middle of Bucks chest and starting compressions "come on Buckley, open those baby blues for me." She spoke, letting the desperation and fear get the better of her voice.
Athena watched in silence momentarily before stepping aside and phoning some of her coworkers to come by. She didn't know how this was going to go, she was aware that Maddie was on the phone to 911 but she'd probably only request an ambulance, Athena was preparing for any scenario. Bobby stood helplessly watching, looking around to ensure no one was around or close enough in order to preserve Bucks dignity. And Eddie.. just stared, silent, watching Bucks chest as Hen continued compressions, watching the exact moment he saw one of Bucks ribs break under the pressure. His chest remained tight, just staring, how long had Buck been dead? Was there even a chance he could survive this?
It burned. Everything burned, his chest was agony. He tried to breathe but before he had the chance he felt like he was choking, he could hear voices but couldn't make out where they were saying, was he still underwater? What was going on? He felt his body being pushed over to one side and he started to throw up, his chest heaving. Water leaving his lungs and the drugs he consumed being forced out of his system. "Come on Buck,let me see those blues.." Hen spoke but frowned as she didn't get a response, she directed Chimney into lying Evan back onto his back, she coursed her fingers through his hair once he was lying back, watching out for any sign that he would need to puke once again.
Maddie watched in utter silence, waiting for any kind of response from her baby brother. She had already buried one brother she didn't think she could bare to lose another. She stared at his chest and watched it rise and fall, shallow and slow, she stepped over and pulled Bucks hand into her own, two fingers sliding down just below his thumb as she felt for his radial pulse, she could barely feel it against the tips of her fingers. But his heart was beating, slowly, weakly, but it was beating. "Buck?" She asked quietly, her lip quivering as she received no response, the blonde just laid against the sand, his whole body soaking, breathing shallowly through his nose. Hen used the sleeve of her jacket to wipe the edges of Bucks mouth, silent as she watched him and waited on whatever crew was responding to this call. The 911 dispatcher was still on the line on Maddies phone but now on speaker. "Maddie can you tell me what's going on?" But when she didn't respond Chimney spoke up
"Patient is breathing, shallow and slow, pulse is weak but there, he's thrown up what looks to be water and whatever substances he had taken."
******
Maddie sat with her hand clasped around Bucks, nothing but the sound of rhythmic beeps to keep her company in the cold plain room, she glanced across her brothers body, a cannula inserted just above the bend of his left elbow pushing fluids into his body in order to expel whatever remaining drugs were in his system, a few scans had been taken when they got to the hospital to assess any damage to his lungs, the break of his rib and to see if there was any brain damage they could detect but they wouldn't know anything for sure until he had woke up, if he woke up- when he wakes up.
The rest of the crew were sat outside keeping each other company but sitting in stunned silence, Eddie had brought the notes with him and had handed them out, no one opened them. No one dared to be the first and therefore no one followed. Eddie just stared down at his own letter as his thumb traced over his own name written neatly across the front. It always surprised him that Evan had such neat handwriting. He was such a wild sporadic person that you'd expect his handwriting to emulate that, loud and energetic, however it was concise and neat, the curves of certain letters being put into loops almost made it look elegant, like some invitation he would receive to some important event. But this was no invitation. No this was a testament to his best friend's pain. A pain he had helped cause.
He'd had enough and finally gained the courage to gently unfold the envelope. He wasn't entirely sure what the rules would be about this situation, Buck wasn't dead. He was meant to be but they got to him in time and now his body was fighting to stay alive with the help of machines in a single room in the ICU. But he was alive. And these letters were only meant to be read after he had died so should they really open it and see what Buck had to say? Or should they wait, wait for him to wake up and say it himself? He didn't know. He couldn't find it in himself to care, maybe if he looked through the letter he could find some clarity to what was going on, maybe he'd read the delicate words that filled the mysterious letter below and wake up from whatever fatigue induced nightmare this was because his brain couldn't possibly conjure up words that could compete with Bucks.
Maybe he'd wake up in his bed, sheets strewn onto the floor and chest heaving as salty tears sat against his cheeks yet relief could wash over him as it was a dream, and Buck was okay, and breathing and he could fix this. He could apologise for pushing him away and not forgiving him for his decision, he could apologise for the vile words he spoke and the cold interactions, he could begin to mend the bridge and walk back to his Buck. But that wasn't what was happening. No, his Buck was in a hospital bed unconscious and kept alive by machines because he attempted to take his own life and he succeeded. He was clinically dead and what drove Eddie even more insane is that he didn't know how long for. He didn't know what hope they had that Buck was going to wake up without any damage or even wake up at all. It was hard to tell how long through the man's body temperature as it was freezing due to the cold water he had decided would be his final destination.
Bobby glanced over at the sound of rustling paper and noticed that Eddie was carefully trying to unwrap the envelope, his hands methodical and gentle, slow as if trying to deactivate a bomb that would blow the whole place to smithereens if he made a single wrong move. Everyone remained silent and Eddie didn't seem to notice the silent glances or the way some people shifted to watch him. He was focused on the letter, he slowly slipped the lined paper out of its white envelope and unfolded it, the first thing he noticed was the spread of black ink against frail bits of paper shaped in circles. His chest hurt, Buck had been crying even writing this. His eyes slowly began to glide across the page
‘Hey Eddie,
I don't really know how to start this or where to, I was never really good at talking about feelings, and I know that you aren't either, so I'll try and avoid this getting too long and sappy but no promises. Eds, you were the greatest thing to ever walk into my life, well maybe second best after Christopher’ A quiet huff of a laugh left Eddies lips as he read that part, swallowing against the build up of tears, feeling that familiar pain in the base of his throat and the pressure that built against the bridge of his nose. ‘I know I was an asshole when we first met but truthfully I was just jealous and I was scared. You waltzed inside the station all muscles and good looks and you belonged. You fit straight in, everyone was already talking about you or to you as a friend and I felt like I was gonna be cast aside and forgotten about because the station would have someone so much better than me to replace me with. Because I know that I'm expendable, I know that I'm a nuisance and I'm loud and annoying and you'd be a much better fit, then I found out you were in the army and I mean, how the hell was I supposed to compete with that? But by the end of the day I couldn't pretend I didn't see what everyone else did, you were incredible, you have so much talent and you are so precise and smart I couldn't just shove you aside because i was jealous and scared so I swallowed my pride and I tried to ignore every voice in my head that screamed at me to compete with you so that I could be better and the team could see that I didn't need to be replaced because I could do everything that you could. And you quickly became my best friend, we bounced off each other and fit together like two unique pieces on a puzzle, our team all did, but you were special Eddie. You are special to me, you're my best friend, I've never had that before, I've had people to look up to, distant friends where I was just a side character in their main story but with you? I felt like so much more than just an extra, I felt like I was honestly and truly a part of your story, you always had my back, you looked out for me and you trusted me. You trusted your son with me even after I lost him to the rough currents of the tsunami. I lost him and you preached to me that I saved him, that I protected him and kept him safe and you dropped him off at my place again the next day like it never happened. And I spent so long grappling with why, how you could ever trust me to look after him again after he could have died under my watch. But I finally realised what you were playing at, as soon as the beach was open again you took Chris there, you let him see that it wasn't always dangerous, you didn't let the fear that had brewed from that day fester and grow, you turned that fire out the second you had the chance and you did the same with me, you knew i was terrified of doing anything to harm chris, i didn't trust myself to be around him because i was terrified that he would get hurt again, that i would lose him and that id never be enough but you put him back under my watch and you fully trusted me, you fully believed that i would be able to look after him without any trouble. And I think that's the moment I realised that I love you. Like I truly love you not just as a best friend or a brother. Eddie you are the love of my life’ Eddie's breath caught in his throat at that moment as he stared down at the paper and tears filled his eyes, unable to hold it in any longer. He forced himself to keep reading ‘ I know it's a bit late for a confession and it's probably weird as hell because I'm your team mate and just a friend to you, well there was a time that I was, that time is long gone. Eddie i am so so sorry for the way this has all ended, I never meant for it to get like this, all I wanted was to come back home. I wanted to come back to the one place that felt like home, that made me feel like I could finally belong somewhere and do something meaningful with my life. I was devastated when I found out that it was Bobby holding me back and I know it was for my own good and that it was probably the right decision. It just hurt and i didnt think. I never do, I never do. So I went back to that stupid lawyer and I told him everything. I let my broken heart bleed and he twisted every word I said, turned my pain into yours, and destroyed everything. And thats all my fault, i knew it was truly over in that damned office when i saw you all standing in the elevator and watched as you shut the doors on me’ most o the ink splotches were on this part of the page making it harder for eddie to read it all, he was trying not to add more to the page with tears of his own. ‘I wish i could take it all back, everything i said in that office was to give a background on you guys, i know you'll probably never believe it but everything i said to him was to praise you but he twisted it all, took all the bad parts and made it seem like i was being discriminated against. I never saw it that way, I just wanted to come back and I was going to do everything to have my family back. To have you all by my side again, truly by my side. I got back to the 118 but it wasn't the same. You guys hate me and I understand why, I would hate me too- I hate me too. I wish I could have told you all this face to face, I wish I could look in your eyes and tell you every part of yourself that I love, but I'm not that strong. I am not strong enough to stand there and look in your eyes that once looked at me with some form of compassion but now I see nothing in your eyes when you look at me, a cold disregard, and hurt, and I could never blame you for that. I wish I could take that pain away from you Eddie, I wish I could take away all of your pain, and let you be the best version of yourself, a happy version full of life like you should be. I want to fix all those little broken parts and show you that you're worth it, i want to hold you and spend the rest of my life by your side but life isn't some fairytale, and i wish my last words to you werent some stupid love confession that you're probably going to find so strange. Hell i don't even know if this letter is ever going to reach your hands, maybe that's part of the reason i can actually confidently write all this, because maybe you'll never read it and i can get it off my chest and you'll never have to know and you can just live your life without knowing all of this, without knowing that your best friend is madly, head over heels in love with you. But if you are reading this, if I did actually go through with this and you still have the key to my loft and got in, and you found all the letters, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry you saw the state of the place, i'm sorry if this causes you more pain but at least after this I can never hurt you again, you can live your life, find the woman of your dreams who will treat you and Christopher like kings, the way that you deserve. I don't know what else to write here man, i feel like half of this doesn't even make sense, it's just endless nonsense, i'm not even going to read back on this, its just being folded up and put in the letter, and im crying and maybe a little drunk, so i doubt most of this makes sense in any way shape or form, but i needed to let this out, i needed to express it even if no one ever reads it, no one even knows it, at least i faced it and i acknowledged it and its there for the world to see, I love you Eddie, so much, You are my everything.
All of my love.
Evan’
Eddies breath hitched and he placed the note aside and rushed out of the waiting room, tears rolling down his cheeks as his mind spiralled, he wiped at his eyes quickly as he tried to regain his composure, he locked himself in the bathroom, sliding down the wall onto his knees as broken sobs left his lips, his chest heaving, back hitting against the wall with every hitched breath. What was he meant to do? Buck- he loved him. Buck loved him. His Buck. “Shit..” he whispered, the word whistling against his teeth and broken sobs continuing to leave his lips, leaving his throat raw and dry, his whole world was crumbling and reading that note made everything so much more real. Buck had died. Buck killed himself. Buck. His Buck. His Buck had died. Oh my god. What was he supposed to do? What if Buck never woke up? What if he had to bury the love of his life? What was he supposed to do then? And Chris? How was he supposed to tell Chris that his superhero was dying, was dead, and it was all his dads fault. How could he tell Chris that they could have had the perfect life, that Chris could have stability and two parents that would do everything they could to ensure his safety but it was all torn away because his dad couldn't keep his big mouth shut, couldn't push away his pride and ego and instead pushed the one person that mattered to them more than anything other than each other. He had done this. If they all had to bury Buck, if his name decorated a gravestone in the near future it was all going to be Eddie's fault and he felt the guilt consume him, he felt like it was going to destroy him. He just sat there, knees pressed against the cold tiled floor, head leaned against the door, unable to draw in a solid breath, unable to calm down, unable to do anything but jus sit there and cry, he wasn't an emotional person. He hated crying but he couldn't help it, he was terrified, terrified that he was going to lose the love of his life- How could he be so stupid? How could he have never realised how much he loved Buck, how could he not have noticed the way his heart fluttered at the sight of him and butterflies exploded in his stomach when he saw him and Chris together, acting like father and son, how could he be so blind?
He regained composure after about fire more minutes, he rose to his feet and washed his shaking hands, looking at himself in the mirror and taking note of the blood shot eyes, the way his cheeks and nose turned red, he splashed his face with water and waited a little bit longer to ensure that it didn't look like he had just spent the last few minutes crumpled on the floor sobbing. He then walked out but he didn't walk back to the waiting room, he walked into the ICU and into Bucks room, Maddie looked up and wordlessly left her seat, she placed a hand on eddies shoulder and squeezed before walking out and eddie took her seat, sliding his hand into Bucks limp cold one and that alone was enough to get him crying again but he held it back.
“Come back to me Buck” he spoke slowly and softly through the rough strain of tears “Buck, please. I love you…”