Chapter Text
Play Phineas and Ferb Theme Song
The wind blows multiple calendar pages into the air, starting on June 3.
There's 104 days of Summer Vacation
Then School comes along just to end it
Phineas and Ferb sit under a tree in their backyard.
So the annual problem for our generation
Is finding a good way to spend it
Cue montage of the boys doing multiple activities.
Like maybe
First, the boys land on the moon. They jump out of the rocket and float forwards.
Second, Phineas climbs on top of Ferb. They try to fight a mummy.
Third, they climb up a certain French tower.
Building a rocket or fighting a mummy
Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower
Fourth, Ferb removed a tarp to show a weird unicorn-turtle hybrid. Phineas takes a picture of it.
Fifth, the boys force a monkey into the shower. Neither of them enjoy this one.
Discovering something that doesn't exist
Or giving a monkey a shower
Sixth, they surf on a large wave.
Seventh, they create tiny robots.
Eighth, they find Frankenstein's monster. The brain is missing from the head. It doesn't take them that long to find.
Ninth, they find a bird.
Tenth, they fly on a helicopter with a large paintbrush over the city. They covered the city in orange paint.
Eleventh, the boys work on a painting. The painting depicts a red-headed girl with a mustache.
Surfing tidal waves, creating nanobots, or locating Frankenstein's brain
Finding a dodo bird, painting a continent, or driving your sister insane
Turns out, this girl isn't actually a painting, but the boys' sister, Candace. She turns to Phineas angrily.
"Phineas!" she shouts.
The boys do multiple things, all the while their sister watches angrily.
Film a movie.
Build a giant robot dog.
Tamper with a car.
Ride a rollercoaster.
As you can see, there's a whole lot of stuff to do before School starts this fall
Candace talks to a friend on the phone. She doesn't notice the boys carrying a live elephant into the backyard until she hears Phineas call out, "Come on, Perry!" That gets her attention.
Later, she's seen playing "Whack-a-Pest". The pests that pop out are her brothers and their pet platypus.
So stick with us, 'cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna do it all
Afterwards, the boys dance around and play guitar as images of the infinite possibilities flash by.
So stick with us, 'cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna do it all
When the boys are done, they pose. Their sister comes in.
"Mom, Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence!" she shouts.
The boys stare at her for a second. They then brush it off and resume their poses.
End Intro
104 Days of Summer Vacation
Day 97
Lost in Danville
Phineas and Ferb were sitting under the tree.
"It's a mystery, Ferb," said Phineas. "A riddle whispering to an enigma while driving down a lost highway in an Escher painting. How do they get the toothpaste in the tube?"
"Sometimes, if you're lost, it's best to just go along for the ride," said Ferb.
Candace passed by listening to music on her phone. "New Paisley Sideburn Brothers album. Don't make me bust."
Phineas rolled his eyes before going back to the previous subject. "And how do they get the red and blue toothpaste to swirl?"
The moment Candace went back inside, Phineas and Ferb heard a loud thud right next to them.
They turned around and saw a large capsule had appeared out of nowhere.
"It must've fallen out of the sky," Phineas assumed.
Ferb opened up an umbrella and held it over their heads.
The two waited for a moment for anything else to fall down. Nothing came.
"I guess that's the only one," Phineas concluded. "Let's open it and see what's inside."
Ferb tried to pull the hatch open. It wouldn't budge.
"Wow, today's a day full of questions," Phineas remarked. "First the toothpaste, now this."
"And, of course, where's Perry?" Ferb added.
"Yeah, see what I mean? We're up to our armpits in enigmas."
Perry was already in his lair.
"Ah, Agent P, glad you're here," Monogram greeted. "Doofenshmirtz has been incommunicado for far too long. Either he's up to something big, or he's met with some sort of foul play."
Perry's eyes widened and he rushed out of the lair.
"Well, that was rather abrupt," Monogram remarked. "You know, sometimes I feel like he just comes here to get his assignments."
Phineas and Ferb rounded up Isabella, Baljeet, and Django. They used whatever tools they could to get the capsule opened, but none of them worked.
"Aw, that's the third battle axe I've broken on this thing," Phineas said as he turned to the nearby dwarf. "Sorry Dumpy."
"My name's Dumpanir," the dwarf corrected.
"Wow, the fact we cannot open it makes discovering the contents that much more tantalizing," said Baljeet.
"I know," Phineas agreed. "Ferb's working on a special Z-ray machine that can see through any substance on the periodic table. It's highly experimental, so you might want to encase yourself in this lead body armor."
The kids put on the armor, and Ferb activated the ray. A polaroid picture printed out, and Ferb took it out.
"Well, we can't see into the capsule," he said. "But your second molar has a cavity, and it looks like Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro is making raploch tortillas."
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated
Perry kicked the door open to see an empty apartment.
The first thing he saw was the desk. The mouse was dangling off of it, and the computer showed a half-finished social media blog.
Then he saw an inator with the self-destruct button dangling on a wire.
As if that wasn't enough evidence, Perry saw a trail of footprints leading out the door.
Next to those footprints was a half-eaten sandwich just laying there.
Perry took out a magnifying glass and started examining the footprints.
Ferb tried dropping a bunch of pianos on the capsule. They didn't even leave a dent.
"I think I'm running out of ideas here," said Phineas.
"And pianos," Isabella added.
"Shall I get a pipe organ?" asked Baljeet.
That's when Buford came in.
"I know how to open that hatch," he declared.
"You do?" asked Baljeet.
"I do. You see, for generations, the Van Stomm family has been the guardians of the secret knowledge and the protectors of the Mystery Capsule. We make the 13th century Templars look like a bunch of wusses, and throughout the ages, our family has pledged to conceal our lives from the unenlightened, and in doing so, we were entrusted with the only key that could unlock the capsule's secrets."
He revealed that he had the key with him. Everyone stared at Buford in awe.
"I'm just kidding," Buford revealed. "I found it on the other side of the fence. I saw it fall out of the lock when the capsule dropped from the sky."
"Well, it's worth a try," said Phineas.
After waiting for a while, Perry got a call from Monogram. He answered.
"Nice work Agent P," said Monogram. "Carl is analyzing the footprint sample as we speak."
Perry got another call on his other watch, this one from Carl.
"We've analyzed the mud and there seems to be a large number of caffeine molecules in there, along with some rain water," Carl explained.
"So, our only leads are coffee and a rainy climate," said Monogram. "That could be anywhere."
But Perry had an idea where Doof was.
Seattle, WA
Doof was tied up and blindfolded.
"Hello?" he called. "Anyone there? Marco…"
No answer.
"You're supposed to say 'polo'."
Still nothing.
"There better be a satisfying explanation for this or I'm gonna be merciless on my blog," Doof said.
Phineas inserted the key into the hole. It fit.
"Yeah, baby," Phineas smiled.
"What mysteries does it contain?" Baljeet asked excitedly. "Perhaps dozens of stray Schrodinger's cats."
"Well, I ain't cleaning their litter box," said Buford.
The hatch opened and smoke emerged from the capsule. The kids stood in anticipation as the smoke cleared.
Out came a bald, wrinkly old man with a long white beard.
"You don't understand what you've done!" he shouted.
"Who are you?" asked Phineas.
"I'm you from the future!"
The kids gasped.
After a long while, the blindfold was finally removed. Doof looked around and saw Peter the Panda in front of him.
"Peter the Panda?" he gasped before noticing all the torn up and crossed out pictures of him. "Aw, those were all good shots of me."
"Hello Doofenshmirtz," came a voice he didn't recognize.
Doof turned around and saw nothing but a silhouette, with only the eyes being visible.
"Hello inky shape hovering in the darkness," said Doof. "What gives?"
"It is I, Professor Mystery," the silhouette replied.
Doof just glared at Professor Mystery. "Okay?"
"Peter the Panda never mentioned me?"
"No, but he doesn't, you know, talk. So, you gonna explain why you kidnapped me?"
Mystery didn't answer.
"Uh, I know you're still there," said Doof. "I can see your eyeballs. What's with the silence? It's off putting."
"Mystery is my allure."
"Oh, this is gonna be a fun conversation."
"Wait, if you're me from the future, what happened to my nose?" asked Phineas.
"Never mind about that!" the man yelled. "Listen to that!"
The kids looked into the capsule. The main things they could make out were a hamster running in a wheel and a black hole in a cosmic container.
"If my hamster stops running, the black hole will break containment," the man explained. "Now, you've exposed my hamster to atmosphere. It's only a matter of time."
"Wait, you have a hamster that's allergic to air?" asked Baljeet.
"You must believe me!" the man begged.
"Why?"
"Because I'm you from the future!"
"Wait, I'm not Indian in the future?"
"Okay." The man pointed at Django. "I'm you from the future!"
"Okay, now you're just desperate," said Django.
"Stop telling people you're them!" came another voice, this one more feminine.
"Who's that?" Phineas asked, turning back to the capsule.
"That's just Denise, ignore her," said the man. "She isn't any of you from the future."
"I heard that!" the woman, Denise, shouted as she peaked her head out of the capsule. "Hi kids, sorry for the intrusion."
"There's no time to lose!" the man urged.
"Settle down, Bernie. Remember your blood pressure."
"What did I tell you? It's happening. He's slowing down."
"Oh, let him. I'm so tired of that hamster running our lives!"
Then an alarm blared.
"That can't be good," said Baljeet.
"Well, we did hit it with a lot of pianos," Buford mentioned.
"Seriously, what's with the kidnapping?" Doof demanded as Mystery carried him to another room. "And what's with your Peter the Panda shrine?"
"Peter the Panda is my nemesis," Mystery explained.
Doof gasped.
"You're surprised?" Mystery asked.
"Well, of course," Doof replied. "Come on, if I knew he has a nemesis, I would never want to be 'the other evil scientist'." He noticed the large device in the room he was brought into. "Ooh, an inator. What does it do?"
"I can't divulge that because mystery…"
"Is your allure, I know. So, do you tell Peter the Panda your plans before or after you trap him? I just… I'm always interested in the process."
"I don't tell him at all, because it ruins the mystery."
"But he's your nemesis! He's got to know what he's thwarting! That's just common courtesy. Do you expect him to infer it just from your complicated backstories?"
Mystery didn't answer.
"Oh, don't tell me you haven't told him your backstory," said Doof. "Well, there's your problem: lack of communication. Give me a beat."
Play "Talk to Him"
A beat started from out of nowhere, much to Mystery's confusion. Even weirder was that a group of women in white dresses just waltzed into the room.
Two of the ladies moved across the room while the rest danced along to the song.
Doof:
You can can it with the mystery
You don't have to be so vague
Backups:
So vague
Doof:
Give your nemesis some history
All the reasons you're a
Doof and Backups:
Rotten egg
Doof:
It's not enough just to show him your device
You got to tell him what it does
I think you'll be surprised at his attention span
He's the only one who's gonna understand
You gotta tell him all of your evil plans because…
You've got to talk to him
Tell him every twisted scheme that's in your head
Talk to him
You've gotta give him some specifics he can dread
Talk to him
Don't just stand there like a rock
He's got two furry ears, so use them
Backups:
Use them
Doof:
I know you really want to bruise him
Backups:
Bruise him
Doof:
But I think you're gonna lose him
If you don't talk
Backups:
If you don't talk
Doof:
Communication is the key
If you'd just open up, you'll see
And maybe he'll stop thwarting me
If you just talk
The women then walked out. The moment the last one shut the door, the music stopped.
End "Talk to Him"
"How did you get chorus girls in here?" asked Mystery.
"They're a union," Doof explained. "They'll travel."
The hamster was on the brink of stopping. A strong gust of wind started to blow.
"There's only one way to stop this!" Bernie shouted when a bird flew out of his beard. "Hey Denise, I found your bird! It was in my beard!" He turned back to Phineas. "Anyway, there's only one way to stop this!"
Before he could explain, though, he got sucked into the black hole.
"NO!" the kids shouted.
"Everyone, grab hold of the tree!" Phineas ordered
The kids climbed onto and kept a firm hold on the tree.
"Now what?" asked Isabella.
"The one time an object has not disappeared from the backyard!" Django shouted.
"Yeah, that's an annoying break in the pattern," Buford remarked.
"Wait a minute," said Baljeet. "That is not the pattern. The pattern is that they disappear after…"
He did not need to finish that sentence as everyone else's eyes widened in realization.
"CANDACE!" they all called.
Candace heard the call from her room. She looked out the window and saw firsthand what was happening.
She didn't need to be told anything else. She ran downstairs to get Linda.
"You're the last person I'm gonna take advice from, you nemesis stealer!" Mystery yelled.
"Even with musical accompaniment, you just don't get it," Doof groaned. "It's not my fault that you and Peter are having problems. It's yours."
"We'll see whose fault it is once I activate my True-Purpose-Shrouded-In-An-Enigma-inator, because in just a few moments, you will be zapped and my vengeance will be complete!"
Doof faked a yawn. "I'd be so much more concerned if I knew what the stakes were!"
That's when a hole burned through the wall, revealing none other than Peter the Panda.
"Wow, I never thought I'd be so glad to see you," Doof smiled.
"Don't act like that!" Mystery snapped. "Peter the Panda is not your nemesis!"
"You're right. He's more of a thwarty call."
"Don't diminish him like that…"
Peter tackled Mystery.
"See, he's thwarting me!" Mystery grinned. "You mean nothing to him, Doofenshmirtz!"
Peter continued punching Mystery.
"See, this is good," said Mystery. "What did he give you that I couldn't?"
"An evil monologue for one thing," Doof mentioned.
"What?"
"COMMUNICATION! For crying out loud, at least tell him what your inator does!"
"Oh yes. It's an un-existinator."
"What? Well, now I'm actually worried! See, communication works!"
That's when Perry showed up and hit the inator, making it fire into the sky.
The kids were on the brink of letting go.
"The one time my Tuff Shoo Laysizz are in the wash," Buford remarked.
Then they all let go of the branch. They closed their eyes and braced themselves…
Then the black hole disappeared. Buford hit the ground, and the rest landed on top of him.
"That did not hurt as much as I expected," said Baljeet.
"Yep, you're welcome," Buford replied.
Right on time, Candace came out with Linda in tow.
"And there's nothing there," Linda said, unfazed.
"Exactly," Candace smirked. "You can go back to what you were doing now."
Linda gave Candace a look, then walked inside.
Peter and Mystery had coffee together.
"So my parents accidentally created the black hole and became obsessed with containing it, eventually firing themselves into orbit for fear that they would jeopardize the planet," Mystery explained to Peter. "But they abandoned me in the process. That is what motivated me to turn evil, and eventually build my un-existinator which you destroyed tonight. Wow, it really feels great to tell someone this."
That's when he felt two hands touch his shoulder. He turned around and saw his parents standing there, smiling at him. Mystery teared up and hugged them.
"I want you to introduce my nemesis, Peter the Panda," he introduced.
"Wait, you have a nemesis?" asked Bernie.
"Our boy's all grown up!" Denise cried.
"Why is he a panda bear?"
Denise elbowed Bernie. "Bernie!"
"What? I was just asking."
Doof and Perry saw the whole ordeal from the window.
"I think it's time to go home," Doof decided. "Perry the Platypus, I talk to you enough, right?"
Perry nodded.
"Yeah, you're right. Maybe too much."