Chapter Text
The Chronicles of Meap
Chapter 98
Meap Me in St. Louis
Meap was flying through space, being chased by a ship.
"This is the Elias Commander!" came a voice from said ship. "You have been ordered to stand down."
But Meap didn't stand down. He pushed his ship's self-destruct button, put on his helmet, and jumped into the escape pod.
Unfortunately, he didn't launch the pod in time. The ship exploded, and he was sent flying onto an asteroid.
Luckily, a space taxi was passing by when the driver saw Meap.
Candace found herself in the Johnson family backyard, which had Bango-ru-themed decorations.
"Well Candace, you're at a birthday party for a little girl who used to despise you," she said to herself. "I just hope no one objects to a giraffe marrying a lemur."
That's when Jeremy came in through the stained-glass gate. "Well, as a matter of fact, I object to this union, but only 'cause it's cuter than my shark-koala."
"So your wife is still in her stained-glass phase?" Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro asked Mr. Johnson.
"I don't want to talk about it," Mr. Johnson replied.
"Thanks for coming, Candace," Jeremy thanked Candace. "Suzy's been waiting for you all day."
"Oh yeah, she looks psyched," Candace said. "Hey, did I see Perry on the invite?"
"No, she invited Jerry the Platypus."
Jeremy pointed behind him. Nearby was a platypus in a fedora that looked nothing like Perry. He was fat, one of his eyes was bigger than the other, and his beak was crooked.
Jerry gave Candace a party hat and shot confetti in her face.
"I'm sorry, Jerry the Platypus?" Candace asked in disbelief.
"A little further," Baljeet urged as he carried a blindfolded Buford into the backyard. "Okay, remove the blindfold."
Buford removed the blindfold. In front of him, the rest of the gang were standing with bright smiles while gesturing to a mixer, cans of soup, and large sacks of bread in front of him.
"If this is an intervention, I don't think you're doing it right," said Buford.
"No," Phineas replied. "We're gonna build a bread bowl hot tub, just like you suggested earlier this summer."
The moment Buford heard that, he beamed with excitement. He grabbed Baljeet, shook him around, kissed him on the forehead, and ran out of the backyard.
Perry woke up and checked his watch. The floor below him flipped over and brought him straight to his lair. For whatever reason, the lair was upside-down for a moment before it became rightside-up again.
"That sure was trippy," Monogram remarked. "Anyway, good morning Agent P. Doofenshmirtz has been spotted doing a variety of non-evil things, maniacally. We have to assume evil intent though because that's what pays the bills around here. Thwart away, Agent P."
Perry saluted and flipped the floor over again, making his lair upside-down again.
"Here we go," said Monogram. "That doesn't make any sense!"
Perry got in his hover car and flew to Doof's building. However, he noticed his owners and his friends running down the streets of downtown.
He enabled the emergency camouflage, which covered his hover car in a polyurethane-coated fabric.
Phineas saw a small blimp in the air that advertised a store called 'Val's VHS Tapes'.
"Wait, VHS tapes?" he asked. "Aren't those extinct?"
Ferb made an 'I don't know' gesture.
"Well, this is nice," Candace admitted. "Just regular folks having a nice time, and Meap." It was only then that she fully processed Meap's presence. "Meap, what are you doing here?"
"Candace, I've come sixteen million lightyears to find you," Meap explained in John Stamos' voice.
"Wait, how can I understand you without your mustache translator?"
"Oh, we got new translators." Meap took a translator remote out of his pocket. "That's why I sound like John Stamos, have mercy."
"Right, of course."
"Candace, Big Mitch is back with a new convoluted evil scheme, but no one believes me. You gotta come with me."
Then Suzy showed up. "Jeremy, Brayden Number Three is dipping his finger into the cake and denying it. I wish I could bust him."
Candace scoffed. "That's child's play. I could bust him with my hands tied behind my back."
"Well, if it's so easy, why don't you show me? Come on."
"We are on an important mission, young lady," Meap urged. "Let us pass."
"I don't think so, short stuff," said Suzy. "I think you and I are about to have a giant matrix-like battle in front of all these Bango-ru toys!"
The environment shifted to a small room full of giant bango-ru toys.
The two jumped in the air and kicked each other. The kick sent them flying onto the toys.
Meap fired a laser. Suzy jumped out of the way in the nick of time.
"No, no, no," Candace said, breaking up the battle. "I'll just do this."
She took a picture of Brayden Number Three dipping his finger into the cake and sent it to Suzy.
"Oh, thanks Candace," Suzy smiled. "Brayden, you are so busted!"
"That was amazing," Meap complimented. "Exactly why I sought you out. Candace, you are the most focused, determined busting machine I know. Together, we can bring Mitch down."
"Well, it's sorta my wheelhouse," Candace downplayed. "So, you know, sure, I'm in."
"The first thing we gotta do is recruit the rest of the team, the most inventive human minds this side of Nebulous Nebula."
Candace sighed. "You're gonna say Phineas and Ferb, aren't you?"
"Yes, yes I am."
Meap pushed a button, teleporting himself and Candace away.
The kids were still running down the streets of Downtown Danville when Candace appeared out of thin air.
"Oh, hi Candace," Buford said unhappily.
Then Meap appeared right next to Candace.
"Meap!" the kids cheered.
"We need your help with Big Mitch," Meap explained.
"Of course," said Phineas. "We're gonna have to save the bread bowl hot tub for another day."
"NO!" Buford screamed loud enough for the whole world to hear.
"And to make matters worse, my own alliance commandos are after me," Meap added. "I was forced to go rogue in order to prove Mitch is planning to build a vast criminal empire by finding the lost treasure of Zachariah Yore."
"Who?"
"You see, in the times of Yore, there was an intrepid explorer named Zachariah Yore. Young Zachariah was born to AnnaBeth and Isaiah Yore in the outskirts of the small farming settlement called FarmTown…"
"Uh, I don't care that much."
"Well, the treasure's a huge case filled with enough treasure to buy an equally huge case filled with the same amount of treasure."
The kids all smiled with amazement.
"So, where is Mitch, anyway?" asked Candace.
Meap pushed a button on his remote. It projected a large screen playing a video of Mitch.
"Do you need a break from the tedious shame spiral that is your life?" Mitch asked. "I can give it to you at Big Mitch's Ultimate Vacation Destination Tours."
"These fake tours are a ruse to fund Mitch's search for an ancient treasure," Meap explained. "A treasure that I believe is right here."
"Wait, we can set a trap and catch Mitch red-handed trying to steal it," Candace suggested.
"Great idea, but it could put the planet in grave danger. These tourists have trashed every environment they've gone to."
"We can handle a few partying out-of-towners," said Phineas. "Right, Ferb?"
Ferb gave a thumbs-up.
"The question is, how do we turn Earth into the ultimate vacation destination to lure Mitch here?" asked Phineas.
"Wait, I know," said Baljeet. "Stabby Barf Pain."
"I have actually had that before," said Django. "It is the worst!"
"I second that," said Isabella.
"No, not that stabby barf pain," Baljeet clarified. "Stabby Barf Pain is the name of a theoretical fifth season that combines the best aspects of the other four seasons, Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall, into one. Flowers bloom as golden leaves fall from trees. Warm sun shines as beautiful snowflakes fill the air. A fifth season beyond all expectations."
"That sounds cool," said Candace. "But how did it get the name 'Stabby Barf Pain'?"
"It gets its name from the scientist who theorized it, Doctor Sunny Gloriousweather," Phineas explained. "He was bad at naming things. It's theoretical, but what if we actually made it?"
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated
Doof tried walking maniacally with no success.
That's when Perry came in right on cue.
"Ah, Perry the Platypus," Doof greeted. "Look, Balloony's back. Remember him?"
Perry nodded.
"Why is laughing the only thing evil scientists do, you know, maniacally?" Doof asked. "I thought, hey, I should stand out and do something else maniacally. So far, not much luck. Walking maniacally, that ain't happening, you saw."
Perry checked his watch and tapped his foot impatiently.
"Neither is brushing my teeth maniacally, or asking for a shoe in size ten maniacally," Doof went on as he crossed those off of his whiteboard. "Going to the bathroom maniacally, that was a failure of epic proportions. You don't wanna know."
Perry started to walk out.
"Wait, where are you going?" asked Doof. "I could use a non-latex second opinion, please. Please?"
Perry sighed, but relented.
On a planet with raining crustaceans, all the tourists were completely bored.
"It's time to continue our quest for the galaxy's…" Mitch started.
"Ultimate vacation destination," the tourists finished, rolling their eyes.
Mitch then beamed himself onto his ship.
"We need to find a real vacation destination before these losers see through my ruse," Mitch said to his robots. "Keep scanning."
The gang gathered in the backyard and set up a corkboard to go over Operation Snitch on Mitch.
"These weather altering machines will spread Stabby Bard Pain across Danville, attracting anyone out there scanning for vacation destinations," Phineas explained.
"Candace and I will use my intel to locate the treasure," said Meap. "I just wish I had my ship."
"You mean the ride from outer space? Ferb?"
Ferb pushed a button and a spaceship emerged from the ground.
So that was him, Django thought.
"But my ride was destroyed," said Meap. "Did you make this for me?"
"Nah, he made it for us because it was too cool not to have," said Phineas. "But you can have it. We're done."
Ferb tossed Meap the remote.
Meap sighed with relief. "Oh, thank you." He pushed the button on the remote. "There, locked and armed."
Then the ship exploded.
"Oh, whoops," Ferb said, chuckling in embarrassment. "That was the self-destruct button. The alarm is on the other side."
He tossed Meap another remote. The damaged ship was lowered back into the ground while another ship emerged in its place.
"Okay, maybe we made two in case someone accidentally exploded the other one," said Phineas. "I mean, the remote is ambiguous."
"Wait, if the alliance is after you, doesn't that mean they can track you here?" asked Candace.
"Yes, yes they can," Meap replied, staring into the distance.
There was a moment of awkward silence.
"Uh, if you're done staring into space, we've got a lot of work to do," said Buford.
Play "Stabby Barf Pain"
After they finished building the generators, the kids started a concert in the park.
Fireside Girls:
Stabby Barf Pain, it's the best of all four seasons
Stabby Barf Pain, we're gonna tell you all of the reasons
Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall
All roll together in a big ol' ball
Sunshine, snow, wind, and rain
That's what you call it, Stabby Bard Pain
Phineas pushed a button on his remote, activating the generators. Flowers bloomed all around the park, leaves changed their colors and fell off the trees, and snow fell out of the sky.
Stabby Barf Pain, I never felt so hot and cold
Stabby Bard Pain, this fabulous feeling will never get old
Phineas and Ferb took Baljeet water skiing.
"Pay attention up there!" Baljeet shouted.
It's S'winter and Spr'all, or Wummer and Fring
Whichever combo has a better ring
The kids then sledded down a snowy hill and landed in a warm lake.
It's all of the best parts and none of the bad
It's the best season that you ever had
Buford skied into a pile of leaves while Isabella sledded and tanned at the same time.
Stabby Barf Pain
Ferb and Django flew kites while ice skating.
Stabby Barf Pain
Phineas activated the intergalactic satellite and broadcasted the song to the entire galaxy.
Stabby Barf Pain
End "Stabby Barf Pain"
"We have intercepted a message from Earth," one of Mitch's robots informed.
"Stabby Barf Pain?" Mitch asked. "I thought that was theoretical. I have found the perfect vacation destination."
He looked out the window and saw the tourists were getting riled up. They held up signs and marched around in protest.
He activated the projector so everyone would see his face.
"As promised, I have found the ultimate vacation destination: Stabby Barf Pain," he assured them.
The tourists threw away their signs and cheered.
Mitch turned to his robot. "Set a course for Earth." He then started laughing. "That should take care of these insufferable ingrates."
"You know we can still hear you!" one tourist shouted.
Mitch quickly shut off the projector.
Doof walked down the city, confused at what he was seeing.
Kids played in the snow for a bit. Once they were out of the snow, they tore off their winter clothes to reveal their swimsuits underneath.
One man tanned in a spot where the sun shined more. Some kid threw a snowball at his nose. Instead of getting annoyed, the man felt refreshed.
A girl skated down an icy trail that only took up part of the road.
A man raked up a bunch of autumn leaves into a pile. His kids jumped in said pile, ruining all the hard work.
"Stabby Barf Pain?" Doof realized. "Just when we were sure we only had four seasons, suddenly there's a fifth. Anyway, we'll have to take a bus because maniacal parallel parking turned out pretty much as expected."
Nearby, Norm, who was in his truck form, was being extinguished by some firefighters.
"I made a dinner date with the jaws of life," he said.
Candace and Meap were in the town library.
"We need to hurry before the alliance finds me," Meap urged.
Candace looked up the lost treasure of Zachariah Yore. "Tracking the treasure case's trajectory, it ended up in Missouri sometime around 1933."
"That case is supposed to be huge. How could they keep something like that hidden?"
"Let's see. In 1933, St. Louis created a monument to Western Expansion in America. This thing."
Candace showed Meap a picture of the Gateway Arch.
"Candace, that's it!" Meap smiled.
Mitch reached Earth and scanned the planet.
"Stabby Barf Pain is spreading in this area," he said as he looked through images of Danville. "I'll send our obnoxious tourists down there while we continue our search for the treasure. Colin Junior could head up the landing party. Speaking of which, where is Colin Junior?"
Colin Junior was caught on the ceiling fan. Two robots struggled to get him back down.
Doof and Perry rode the bus home.
"You know, Perry the Platypus," said Doof. "Maybe I'm being too narrow with my definition of 'maniacal'. I can just sing maniacally on the bus." He then started to sing. "I'm just a guy who's a sucker for the sounds of mass transit."
"It really is Stabby Barf Pain, I can't believe…" Mitch smiled before noticing a familiar face in one image. "Wait, it's Colin, the real Colin! I don't need you anymore."
He popped Colin Junior.
Doof got off the bus and saw everyone look up at the sky worriedly.
"What's this about?" he asked as he himself looked up.
Up in the sky was an alien ship.
"Oh, that's understandable," Doof admitted.
Then a robot pushed him to the ground and grabbed Balloony.
"Balloony!" Doof shouted.
Perry summoned his hover car and got on it.
"Seriously, you had this the whole time?" Doof asked. "Why were we taking the bus?" He shook his head. "Whatever."
He joined Perry on the hover car, and they flew towards the ship.
The alien tourists landed in Danville. They started trashing up the town.
"We've gotta find a way to wrangle these visitors," Phineas said before seeing Buford joining the aliens in the chaos. "Buford!"
"It's pillaging weather!" Buford argued.
Candace and Meap made it onto Mitch's ship.
"Remember, we gotta get to Mitch before the alliance finds us," Meap reminded as he tried to lock the ship.
Candace snatched the remote. "Uh-uh, remember, it's the other button."
She pushed said button, and the ship beeped.
The two saw some robots go down the hallway. Candace tried to head the other way, but there was one robot falling behind.
"Intruder!" it shouted. "Identify yourself!"
Candace laughed. "Right, come on, come on. You gotta see what the other bots are doing." She grabbed the robot's hand and carried him off. "Come on, hurry!"
Meap grabbed a frying pan and destroyed the robot.
"Nice work, Candace," he complimented.
"That's just busting 101," said Candace. "I got this."
Then a bunch of other robots surrounded them.
"Or maybe I don't," Candace sighed.
The two were cuffed and brought to the cockpit.
"Look who's here, Colin," Mitch smiled. "My old nemesis, Meap." He then noticed Candace. "And, who are you?"
"I'm the person who brought you down twice," Candace replied.
"Me?" Mitch reacted. "But I'm just a totally innocent and legitimate business owner who has already paid his debt to society."
"'Totally innocent and legitimate business owner who has already paid his debt to society' my fuzzy white butt," Meap retorted.
"Yeah," Candace agreed. "You're only here because you know the lost treasure of Zachariah Yore is here."
Meap climbed onto Candace and covered her mouth, but it was too late. Mitch heard it.
He seemed genuinely surprised. "The treasure is on the same planet as Colin and Stabby Barf Pain? What are the odds?"
"Well, you'll never get to St. Louis before…"
Meap shushed Candace.
"I'll stop talking now," said Candace.
Not that that would have mattered, as Mitch's robots had already set a course for St. Louis.
"Okay, Perry the Platypus, I got an idea," Doof said as he and Perry hid behind a corner.
Out came two robots that looked exactly like Doof and Perry.
"Okay, first things first," said Doof. "We have to take down these robots that look like us."
The two made quick work of the robots.
"It's weird they would have robots that look just like us," Doof remarked before brushing it off. "Come on, let's go save Balloony."
The two continued onward.
Phineas, Ferb, and co. got on the stage. Phineas played a riff of his electric guitar, getting all the aliens' attention.
"Hello, alien tourists!" he greeted. "Put down that city property and make your way to the dance floor!"
The aliens cheered and got on the 'dance floor'.
Play "Do The Tidy-Up"
Phineas and Isabella:
You've been partying hard on the ultimate vacation
But there's a new craze that's been sweeping the nation
Phineas:
You think you're bad enough if you want to take a chance
Then get ready for this brand-new dance
Phineas and Isabella:
Everybody just sweep to the left, sweep sweep to the right
Phineas:
Actually pick up a broom and just sweep it out of sight
Pick up that clutter, clear out that gutter
Do the laundry and the dishes or I'm gonna tell your mother
Phineas and Ferb tossed brooms into the audience. The aliens blindly started cleaning up the mess they made.
Phineas and Isabella:
Mop, wipe, wash, and scrub
Do the tidy-up
Buford, Baljeet, and Django got on giant vacuum vehicles and vacuumed up the larger messes.
Buford, Baljeet, and Django:
Do the tidy-up
Do, do the tidy-up
Ferb:
Do the tidy-up
All:
Do the tidy-up
Do, do the tidy-up
Phineas:
Pick up a vacuum, pick up a brush
When you go to the bathroom, please remember to flush
Isabella:
Feed your iguana, hose down your best friend
You've gotta sparkle if you wanna do this hot new trend
All:
Mop, wipe, wash, and scrub
Do the tidy-up
Do the tidy up
Do, do the tidy-up
Ferb:
Do the tidy-up
All:
Do the tidy-up
Do, do the tidy-up
Ferb:
Do the tidy-up
All:
Do the tidy-up
Do, do the tidy-up
"Cleaning is fun!" Baljeet shouted.
"Okay, now you ruined it," said Buford.
End "Do The Tidy-Up"
Mitch arrived at St. Louis.
"So, where could that treasure be?" he wondered before seeing the Gateway Arch. "That's it! Once I get that treasure, I'm gonna use the money to fund my own army to destroy the alliance, or maybe Earth first. I don't know the exact order, but there's going to be a lot of destruction. Ready the wench!"
The ship hovered above the Gateway Arch and released a giant mechanical red hand. It grabbed the Arch and pulled it off of the ground, revealing a giant case that read, 'The Lost Treasure of Zachariah Yore'.
"The lost treasure case!" Mitch declared. "Well, maybe it's more of a valise, but I found… maybe it's more of a briefcase, but it belongs to me!"
Then the alarms blared. Alliance ships surrounded Mitch's.
"This is the Outer Worlds' Commando Alliance," came the voice of the commander.
"Wow, good timing," Candace remarked. "Guess I leaked the St. Louis info at just the right time."
"What are you talking about?" asked Mitch.
"You are so busted."
The commander's face appeared on screen. "Wait a minute, Mitch, have we literally caught you red-handed, stealing the lost treasure of Yore, exactly as Meap warned us?"
"Well, when you say it like that," said Mitch.
"You fell for the oldest trick in the book," Candace smirked.
"Well, well, well, you… Colin, cover my escape!"
Mitch pushed the self-destruct button and made a run for it.
Meap quickly took down the bots holding him and Candace and got his cuffs removed. He then ran after Mitch.
"Wait, I'm still…" Candace tried to say. "UGH!"
She ran after Meap.
Perry and Doof made it into the cockpit. Doof saw Balloony right there, safe and sound.
The reunion was cut short, though, when an automated voice said, "Warning: in case you forgot, self-destruct is still activated."
"Perry the Platypus, the ship is gonna…" Doof tried to say before seeing Perry still in battle with the robots. "Uh, I'll leave you to it. I guess I just have to press this blue button."
Then he saw two robots surround Balloony. Luckily, Balloony got out of the way just in time, making the robots hit each other.
"I know that's just the air currents, but that's still special," Doof said.
Unfortunately, he was swarmed by a bunch of other robots. As he looked around, he saw that Balloony and Perry got surrounded too.
"Okay, clown bots," Doof said. "Let's try fighting to save my friends, maniacally."
He flailed his body around like a crazy person, getting the bots off him. He then took down the bots that surrounded Perry and Balloony.
With that over with, Doof pushed the blue button in the nick of time, canceling the self-destruct.
"I guess in retrospect, I should've done that first," he admitted.
Mitch found Meap's ship.
"I hope he won't mind me borrowing his silly toy ship," he said to himself.
But Meap kicked him in the face. The two engaged in physical combat. Unfortunately, Mitch got the upper hand and pinned Meap to the ground.
"Get away from him, you Mitch!" Candace shouted before he could finish the job.
Mitch rose his hands in the air, only to see Candace standing there with her hands still tied behind her back.
"Oh, hilarious," he remarked. "I truly expected to turn around and see you pointing some huge atomic neuralizer at me or something, but you've got nothing."
"Not nothing. I have the key fob to that ship, so you can't escape."
Mitch just took the remote from behind Candace's back.
"No, Candace!" Meap shouted. "The moment he pushes that red turbo button, we'll never be able to catch him."
"See ya," said Mitch. "Wouldn't wanna be ya."
He took off and pressed the red button.
The ship exploded, and Mitch was sent plummeting to the ground.
Candace laughed. "Red turbo button."
"I learned from the best," Meap replied. "Wanna say it together?"
"Busted!" the two said in unison.
"And with my hands actually tied behind my back," Candace added.
Doof, Perry, and Balloony waited for Perry's hover car to show up. Once it did, the three got on.
"I'm glad to have you back, Balloony," said Doof. "But watch your back, Perry the Platypus. I've got maniacal fighting skills now. You saw."
Perry rolled his eyes and flew off.
"Wait, we're in St. Louis?" asked Doof. "When did that happen?"
The aliens were still in the middle of cleaning up the mess. They tried singing the song to make it more fun, but they were already getting bored.
"You know what?" asked one. "This isn't as much fun anymore. It feels like work."
Nearby, the commander gave Meap a medal of honor.
"You're a true hero, and I should've believed you," she admitted. "Though actual evidence would've helped."
"Thanks," Meap thanked. "But the true hero here is Candace. It was her plan to bust Big Mitch that saved the day."
The commander gave Candace her own medal. "Then I officially make Candace Flynn an unofficial agent of the alliance."
Candace saluted. "Thank you, chief."
The commander turned back to Meap. "So what time you coming home tonight, baby?"
"I don't know, honey," Meap replied. "Six, seven-ish?"
"Cool, just remember that my mama is coming for dinner tonight."
"Oh, so that's your wife?" asked Phineas.
"Yeah," Meap nodded. "No one ruthlessly hunts you across the galaxy like my Brenda."
"Hey, you know, we didn't get to enjoy this fifth season," said Brenda. "So would you mind if we borrowed your Stabby Barf Pain generator?"
"Not at all," Phineas replied. "It's all yours."
Brenda got on her ship, took off, took the generator with her, and left the planet.
"Thank you kids," said Meap. "Especially you, Candace."
"I guess some good has come out of my busting obsession," Candace remarked.
"I don't think it's really a busting obsession. It's a justice obsession, and the day you realize that might be the day your dreams start coming true."
Candace grinned and hugged Meap.
"Nah, it's definitely a busting obsession," said Phineas.
Ferb elbowed him.