Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bridget sits in her lawn chair, watching her boys run around the yard.

They’re playing soccer but with three players that includes an excitable four and six year old its basically a free for all.

They’ve been struggling lately with Jay having meltdowns because Will’s recent growth spurt means that he’s having more trouble than ever keeping up with his big brother but Will is doing a really good job today of slowing things down enough to give his baby brother a chance.

But she can see Jay tiring and worries she’s going to have to have another talk with him about how he can’t win all the time and Will won’t want to play with him if he cries every time he loses.

Sure enough, it isn’t long before he stops running; turning and trudging over to her with slumped shoulders.

She sighs heavily.

“What’s the matter, kiddo?” She asks as he reaches her.

He doesn’t answer, just crawls into her lap and curls up against her chest.

“Not having fun?” She asks.

“Tired.” He says quietly and she frowns.

“You feeling okay, baby?” She asks, running fingers through his sweaty hair.

“Cold.” He mutters and her frown only deepens.

It’s July in Chicago.

“Are you getting sick?” She asks him, gently shifting him to press a hand to his forehead.

His skin is clammy and alarm bells start to go off.

“Patrick.” She calls across the yard, seeing her husband turn toward her.

He sighs.

They’ve had a few arguments with him accusing her of babying Jay too much in the balance between teaching Will to give his brother a chance and teaching Jay to accept losing sometimes.

He’s probably right.

But that’s not what she’s doing right now.

He walks toward her, Will trailing behind with a slightly indignant look on his face.

“Bridget.” Her husband says, shaking his head. “He’s-”

“Do his hands feel cold to you?” She cuts him off and his face shifts instantly.

He crouches down, carefully taking Jay’s hands in his own.

“Yeah.” He confirms, examining them. “B. His fingernails are blue.”

She can’t breathe.

“Urgent care is still open.” She suggests.

He nods.

“Can you carry him to the car?” She asks. “I’ll grab my purse.”

“I got him.” He promises. “C’mere bud.”

Jay whines a little as he’s pulled away from her but quickly snuggles into his dad’s warmth.

“I got you.” Pat says softly, cradling the back of his tiny head.

“Don’ feel good.” He mumbles into the side of his dad’s neck.

“We’ll get you taken care of.” Pat promises before striding off around the house.

He’s buckling Jay into his car seat when she reaches them, Will standing back with confused eyes.

“Do you want us to come with?” He asks.

“Stay with Will.” She says. “See if you can’t get him to bed on time.”

He nods, kissing her.

She’s not sure what it means that her son has improved quite a bit by the time she signs him in at the urgent care.

His finger nails are no longer blue and his hands are starting to warm up.

He doesn’t cling to her as much while they wait for the doctor to call them back.

She’s torn between embarrassment and lingering concern by the time he’s sitting on the exam bed while she explains why she’d brought him in.

But the doctor doesn’t tell her she shouldn’t have done so, just listens to her list of symptoms, checks over the vitals the nurse had taken and then asks Jay if he can listen to his heart.

Jay looks at her and she nods encouragingly so he shrugs, letting the man place the disc of his stethoscope over his chest.

He listens for a lot longer than she’d expected, a frown twisting his expression that she doesn’t much like.

Finally he sits back, spinning on his stool to face her.

“It’s really good that you brought him in.” He tells her.

“What’s going on?” She asks.

“The symptoms you described, combined with his vitals now and what I’m hearing strongly suggest some kind of congenital heart defect.” He says.

She gasps.

“They’re not uncommon and a lot of kids as they grow, they’re heart sorts itself out. But some kids, as they grow and become more active, we start to see indications that their heart is struggling to keep up.” He explains. “I think Jay falls in that latter category. His resting vitals suggest that his heart is having to work harder to compensate for a reduced efficiency. And when he’s running around, playing, it just can’t keep up with what he’s asking of it.”

She nods shakily.

“What do we do?” She asks.

“I’m afraid that’s a little above the urgent care doc level of wisdom.” He says. “I’m going to get you set up with a referral to pediatric cardiologist.”

“I just… take him home?” She asks.

“They’ll call you Monday to set up an appointment.” He says as he writes. “They usually can get kids in pretty quickly. Until then I would recommend keeping him from exerting himself. He’ll hate it I’m sure but nothing that will elevate his heart rate. If he shows any symptoms under resting conditions or that don’t go away fairly quickly once he sits down, you’ll want to take him to an Emergency Room.”

“O-okay.” She agrees, glancing over at her son.

His feet are swinging back and forth as he glances between them, a frown on his little face like he doesn’t understand what they’re talking about but knows it isn’t good.

She kind of feels like when they’d first brought Will home from the hospital, not sure that she should be trusted with this responsibility.

But she watches the doctor finalize everything and then leave the room, leaving well wishes in his wake, and then lifts her little boy into her arms.

He rests his head on her shoulder, still exhausted from everything.

“Mama?” He whispers as they pass through the waiiting area.

“Yeah baby?” She asks.

“S’my heart brokeded?”

“No sweetheart.” She says, kissing his head. “It just a little hurt and we’re going to make it all better, okay?”

“Okay.” He agrees easily.

I’m going to make it better, sweetheart – she promises silently.

Chapter Text

Jay falls asleep in the car on the ride home.

She pulls into the driveway, putting the car in park and killing the engine but instead of getting out, she turns to watch her little boy sleep.

To listen to him breathe.

It’s faster than it used to be.

She only knows that because the doctor’s office had timed his respirations and they’re faster compared to his last checkup.

Should she have noticed?

Should she have realized that something was wrong before his little body had started screaming that he wasn’t okay in the form of blue-tinged nail beds and clammy skin?

Pat comes out to the car when they don’t come in.

“He okay?” He asks quietly.

“Sort of?” She answers weakly. “Help me get him in bed and then I’ll fill you in?”

He nods, opening the back door and starting to unbuckle the car seat.

Jay stirs but falls back to sleep with a soothing noise from his father.

She watches with a smile as her husband picks him up, carefully tucking his head against his shoulder.

She moves ahead of him as they creep into the boys’ room, moving around without lights.

He lays Jay down on his bed and pulls off his shoes while she finds pajama pants.

Carefully maneuvering the little boy out of his jeans and into the softer pants, they tuck him under the covers and press kisses to a tiny forehead.

“Goodnight love.” She whispers before tiptoeing across the room.

“Mama?” Will whispers sleepily.

“Just me, baby.” She tells him, kissing his forehead too. “Go back to sleep.”

“S’Jay okay?” He asks. “Did I… Did I hurt him?”

“No sweetheart.” She assures him. “You were perfect today. He’s just a little sick. He’ll be alright.”

He frowns but nods.

“Okay.”

“Go to sleep, baby.” She repeats. “I love you.”

“Love you too, mama.” He says with a big yawn, rolling to his side.

She meets her husband in the hallway, watching as he carefully pulls the door mostly closed.

Then they slip down the hall, settling in the kitchen over mugs of tea.

She wishes it was something stronger but that gets saved for special occasions when you have little kids.

And though tonight might qualify, she wants to stay sharp in case Jay has any problems.

In case they end up making that run to the Emergency Room.

“So.” He says after a few minutes. “What’s up?”

“The doctor said… congenital heart defect.” She says, staring into her tea. “He’s getting bigger and it’s not resolving like they sometimes do.”

“Are we talking surgery?” He asks, sounding alarmed.

“I don’t what we’re talking.” She says honestly. “He sent a referral for a pediatric cardiologist. They’ll call Monday to set up an appointment and we’ll get a clearer look at what’s going on then.”

“And just… sent him home in the meantime?” He says.

“The doctor said he should be okay as long as he rests. No running, jumping – anything that would get his heart rate up. He was doing fine by the time we got taken back – other than being tired- and the doctor said that if he starts getting into trouble again and it doesn’t go away fairly quickly once he’s resting we should take him to the Emergency Room.”

She chokes out a sob.

“I’m terrified to let him out of my sight, Pat.” She admits. “What if he… what if something happens?”

“We can set the baby monitors back up.” He offers. “Keep an ear on him.”

She nods shakily.

He rounds the counter, wrapping an arm around her and pressing a kiss to her temple.

“He’ll be okay.” He promises. “Provided he doesn’t lose his mind with all the restrictions.”

She chuckles wetly.

“It feels like my fault.” She says quietly. “Like I must have done something wrong when I was pregnant with him that kept his heart from growing the way it should.”

“B.” He whispers.

“I know that’s probably not the case.” She says immediately, shaking her head. “But he’s my baby and I – I can’t protect him from this.”

“But you’ll make it better.” He tells her. “You’ll get him in to see that specialist and figure out exactly what’s going on and then come up with a plan of attack. And whatever he needs; surgery, meds, whatever – we’ll make it happen.”

She sniffles but nods.

“You must be exhausted.” He tells her. “Why don’t you go watch them sleep for a minute while I dig out the baby monitors and then we’ll head to bed?”

She nods, wanting to cry again because her husband is so wonderful and she’s not sure what she did to deserve him.

But as he heads down to the basement, she does go stand in the hallway, cracking the door open to stare in at her little miracles.

Watching tiny chests rise and fall as they sleep.

Listening to them breathe.

Pat sets the baby monitor on Jay’s dresser and they retreat to their room.

Change into their pajamas and climb into bed.

But both of them lie awake, listening to the gentle sounds of Jay breathing, for a long time before they fall asleep.

Chapter Text

Wednesday.

It’s the soonest they can get him in and she knows that for an appointment scheduled on Monday, Wednesday is pretty fast.

But if there’s something wrong with her baby’s heart, she wants to know what it i.

Now.

Not on Wednesday.

And the boys are driving her nuts.

Have you ever tried telling a four year old that he can’t run, jump, skip, climb trees, or even wrestle with his brother?

Yeah, it hadn’t gone well.

And Will isn’t happy about the loss of his favorite playmate either.

With a four and six year old that she has to try to keep entertained with board games, books, craft projects and yeah, more television than usual, Bridget is at her wits end.

It’s Tuesday morning.

“Just go play in your room.” She finally snaps a little bit after lunch. “But no-”

“No wrestling.” they say together, their voices sounding as done with this as she feels.

They troop off down the hall, arguing about what to play and she sinks onto the couch, rubbing at her temples.

She already couldn’t wait for school to start up again.

Except… shit.

What is the start of the new school year going to look like for Jay?

He’s supposed to be starting preschool but with a heart defect, with the seemingly likely possibility of heart surgery hanging over him…

Don’t get ahead of yourself, Bridget – she scolds – Make it through Wednesday’s appointment and figure out what you’re looking at before you start worrying about calling the school.

Her book is sitting on the end table and she reaches over to pick it up, finding her spot and attempting to lose herself in the pages for at least a little bit.

She’s actually made decent progress by the time she’s ripped from it’s pages by a frantic scream.

“Mama!” Will screams and she realizes with a jolt that it’s coming from outside, not down the hall.

“Mama help!” He repeats a second later and she flies into motion, sprinting toward the back door.

He’s kneeling in the middle of the lawn over his prone brother and she runs faster, reaching them with a slide that would make a baseball player proud.

Jay’s lips are blue this time, his breaths coming terrifyingly fast as he fights to get enough oxygen to his struggling body.

“I told you boys not to play outside.” she snaps as she gathers him into her arms.

Both boys are sobbing and she quickly tamps down her anger.

“Easy, baby.” She soothes, ghosting her hand over his hair. “You’re okay. It’s okay, just try to relax.”

She rises to her feet, motioning for Will to follow as she walks back into the house.

Settles on the couch, rocking Jay back and forth like she hasn’t since he turned two and started insisting he ‘wasn’t a baby no more’.

Reaches out for Will and tugs him down next to her as well.

“It’s okay.” She says gently. “He’s going to be okay, sweetheart.”

She’s just starting to wonder if that’s true, or if she’s going to have to make that run to the Emergency Room, when Jay’s breathing starts to ease.

Keeps rocking him slightly but frees one arm to wrap around Will.

“I should have explained better.” She tells him gently. “It’s okay.”

She waits until Jay is breathing normally, at least the faster rate that is his current normal, and then starts to explain.

“Jay’s heart didn’t finish growing like it was supposed to before he was born.” She tells them. “It did well enough that we didn’t notice at first but now that he’s more active, it’s not keeping up very well.”

“Is that why I’m so slow?” Jay asks, head resting against her shoulder.

“It’s part of it.” She admits.

“But you’re gonna fix it, right?” Will says. “Make him better?”

“We have an appointment tomorrow.” She tells them. “With a doctor who can tell us what needs to be fixed. But it’s probably going to take a while before its all better. Fixing hearts is kind of tricky.”

“But I’ll get to run again?” Jay presses.

“Yeah, baby.” She says, kissing the top of his head. “You will.”

He nods and then yawns.

“I think someone needs a nap.” She says gently.

He makes a face but doesn’t argue.

She stands up, carrying him down to his room and then setting him on his feet while she pulls the blankets back.

“Don’t be mad at Will, Mama.” He whispers as he climbs into bed. “It was my idea to go play.”

“I wasn’t mad.” She says, tucking the blankets up. “Just scared. But it was wrong to yell at him. I’ll talk to him.”

He nods, letting his head drop to the pillow and yawning again.

“Sleep tight, sweetheart.” She says, kissing his forehead.

Will is still sitting on the couch when she returns to the living room and she tugs him into a hug.

“It’s okay, baby.” She tells him. “I know you were just trying to make your brother happy, I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him.” He whimpers. “I just wanted him to stop being so sad.”

“I know.” She tells him. “I’m sorry this has been so hard for both of you.”

“Is Jay going to die?” He whispers. “Like Mrs. Gargarin’s cat?”

Her heart clenches.

“No.” She tells him.

“But what if the doctor tomorrow finds a problem they can’t fix?” He asks.

She swallows hard.

It’s a possibility that’s occurred to her.

She hopes that any problem small enough that he’d made it four years before symptoms had started will be fixable.

But she’s scared too.

“I don’t want Jay to die.” He says when she doesn’t answer him. “He’s annoying sometimes but I love him.”

She laughs weakly.

“I don’t want him to die either.” She says. “I love him too. Let’s not go borrowing trouble from tomorrow, okay? There’s a very good chance that whatever is going on, they’ll be able to fix it. And if they can’t, there are other options.”

He doesn’t look convinced but he nods, tucking himself against her side.

Chapter Text

The house is quiet when Pat gets home from work.

Will is curled up on the couch, pressed so closely to his mama’s side that it looks like he’s trying to be swallowed up by her.

He can smell dinner and it almost smells good enough to make him miss the fact that there’s no sign of his youngest.

Bridget glances up, pressing a kiss to the top of Will’s head and then starting to untangle herself.

“Can you wash up and then set the table, baby?” she asks softly.

Will glances at him and then scurries away.

“Where’s Jay?” he asks once his son is out of the room.

“Napping.” she says and he raises an eyebrow.

Jay is a kid who’d started chaffing at the idea of taking naps before he’d been able to pronounce the word.

“We are not yelling at either one of them.” she says sternly. “They learned their lesson and it won’t happen again.”

“What did they do?” he asks.

“They snuck out to play in the backyard.” she says. “Jay got into trouble again and it was bad. But they didn’t understand. They thought we were.. I don’t know… punishing Jay for the other day.”

“He okay?” he asks.

“I got him settled and his heart caught up.” she says. “But he was exhausted. Didn’t even fight me on the nap and he was out the second his head hit the pillow.”

“Will doing alright?” he asks, glancing at where his oldest is putting plates on the table.

“He was terrified.” she says. “Still is. Thinks he’s gonna lose his baby brother.”

“You reassure him?” he asks.

“I did what I could.” she says. “But I… I didn’t want to make promises I may not be able to keep to a six year old.”

He reaches out and squeezes her shoulder.

“He’ll be okay.” he tells her. “Because we won’t accept anything else.”

“What if we can’t control that?” she asks. “What if we can’t fix this, Pat?”

“We will.” he tells her. “We have to.”

She releases a slow breath and then nods.

“Dinner’s ready.” she tells him. “You wanna go wake up your son?”

He nods, dipping down to kiss her.

The door opens with a quiet squeak but his son doesn’t stir where’s he’s lying facing toward the wall.

“Hey kiddo.” he says softly, rubbing his shoulder.

Jay’s head swivels back toward him, eyes blinking up sleepily at him.

“Daddy?” he mumbles.

“How’s my favorite green-eyed short stack?” he asks.

“‘m yer only green-eyed short stack.” Jay says, cocking a grin his way.

“Oh.” he says. “So you are. How you feeling, little dude?”

“‘m okay.” Jay says, sitting up.

“You ready for dinner?” Pat asks.

“It’s dinner time?” Jay asks, eyes going wide.

“Some nap you had there, huh?” Pat says, ruffling his messy hair.

“I’m too big for naps.” Jay protests.

“Sure.” Pat agrees. “Special circumstances only. I hear you.”

Jay frowns.

“Daddy?” he asks.

“Yeah kiddo?”

“Am I gonna die?” Jay asks. “Like Snowball?”

Pat always hated that damn cat.

Bridget had said that at least it had provided an easy, relatively low impact way to explain death to their boys.

At the time, he’d agreed.

Now he’s wishing that his boys could have gone a little longer without understanding.

Because now he’s got two little boys who have put together Jay’s symptoms with what had happened to the neighbor’s cat and come up with four.

“You’re not gonna die, little dude.” he tells him, ruffling his hair again and then pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Not like Snowball, not at all.”

“But mama said my heart isn’t working right.” Jay says. “That the doctors have ta fix it and that’s… tricky.”

“It can be.” Pat agrees. “But that’s why we’re taking you to see an expert. He knows everything there is to know about hearts, especially ones belonging to little kids. He can handle tricky.”

Jay tilts his head.

“Will it hurt?” he asks quietly.

And he suddenly understands what Bridget had been saying about not knowing how to make promises he’s not sure he can keep.

“Tomorrow?” he asks, dodging the question.

Jay shrugs.

“You know when they give you your shots?” Pat asks. “Draw blood?”

Jay makes a face but nods.

“That’s the worst you’re going to see tomorrow.” Pat promises. “They’ll start an IV, take some blood but the rest of what they need to do is to take some really fancy pictures.”

“And after tomorrow?” Jay asks.

Pat sighs.

He wishes he felt confident in saying that they could resolve this without surgery, without cutting into his little boy.

Without leaving him in pain for weeks.

He puts two fingers against his son’s chest.

“Your heart is right there.” he tells him. “But to get to it, to fix it up, they have to get through muscle, tissue, skin and bone.”

Jay frowns.

“That sounds bad.” he says.

“You’ll be asleep for that part.” Pat promises. “Won’t feel a thing. But it will take time for it all to heal afterwards.”

Jay grimaces.

“They’ll give you some medicine that will help with a lot of it.” Pat tells him. “But they won’t be able to stop all of it.”

“So it will hurt?” Jay asks.

“If they have to fix it that way, yeah.” Pat admits. “But they might not have to. There might be another way.”

Jay studies him, tilting his head to the side.

“But you don’t think so.” he says shrewdly and Pat sighs.

“No.” he agrees. “I don’t.”

Jay’s lower lip wobbles but he looks away.

“Hey.” Pat says. “No tough guy from you. It’s okay to be scared.”

“I don’t want it to hurt.” Jay whimpers.

“I know, baby.” Pat says, tugging him into a hug. “But mama and I aren’t gonna leave you alone for a second, okay? We love you so much and we’re all going to get through this together, alright?”

“Okay.” he whispers.